From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I may have to take up drinking. Date: 05 Jun 2000 00:00:00 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From Michael B. Quinion's wonderfully witty "World Wide Words" Web site: > > [http://www.quinion.com/words/weirdwords/ww-dwi1.htm] > > When summer comes or charity fund-raising is involved, English pub games > often veer from mere eccentricity towards total lunacy. These are the days > of marrow dangling, passing the splod, Portuguese sardine racing, > conger cuddling, rhubarb thrashing, and dwile flonking. Those are six great expressions we should all be working into our everyday conversations, _especially_ if we don't know what they mean. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to pass a splod before I splode. -- K. The question is, is "dwile flonking" related to alt.sci.physics.new-theories's favorit sport, "wile plonking"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: News From Bob Hope's Colon Date: Tue, 6 Jun 2000 06:46:02 GMT X-Complaints-To: Bob Hope Organization: http://www.kibo.com The Associated Press is keeping us informed of important events: > > Subject: Bob Hope Gets a Treat From Doctor > > RANCHO MIRAGE, Calif. (AP) -- A hospitalized Bob Hope had eggs > for breakfast Monday and then got a treat from his doctor -- > butterscotch candies. > ``The doctor got wind that he liked butterscotch candies and > he's enjoying those,'' "He's allowed to look at them as often as he likes." > said Lea Goodsell, spokeswoman for Eisenhower Regional Medical Center, > where the entertainer was listed in good condition while recovering > from gastrointestinal bleeding. ...caused by sharp, spiky butterscotch candies. > The physician, Dr. Gary Annunziata, felt the 97-year-old Hope > was responding more favorably to the female nurses than to him. Especially the gummikrankenschwester. > ``I told him to be sure to understand those are from me,'' > Annunziata said. And the Jar Jar Binks Monster Mouth Candy Tongue, that's from me. > Annunziata said the entertainer rested comfortably overnight and > should be released from the hospital sometime this week. At which point the news media will only go back to telling us when Bob Hope is eating candy if really important. -- K. ...you know, they'll tell us if he discovers the Golf Ball Atom Totality by eating coconut haystacks. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Tounge Of Frog Recalled? Date: Wed, 7 Jun 2000 05:01:09 GMT X-Complaints-To: Bob Hope Organization: http://www.kibo.com United Press International informed me of some important product recalls: > > WASHINGTON, June 6 (UPI) - The Consumer Product Safety Commission > Tuesday announced a series of recalls, including 105,000 Bug Zapper toys > that could pose a choking hazard to young children. > Promotional Resources Group of Companies Inc. of Topeka, Kan., > issued the voluntary recall for the balloon tongue toy after receiving > one report of the tongue detaching. A 3-year-old boy inhaled the tongue > into his sinus cavity and required medical treatment. "Doctor, I have a frog in my throat! And my son has one up his nose!" > The toy comes in two styles - a frog and a lizard. When the > toy is squeezed, the tongue rolls out about two inches. The toys were > distributed by fast-food, drive-in and small franchise restaurants > between November 1998 and April 2000. Well, it's the manufacturer's own fault for not putting "DO NOT PUT EXPANDING FROG TONGUE UP YOUR NOSE" on the frogs they included in Happy Meals. They could have at least labelled the _rubber_ ones. > Consumers are urged to return the toys to the restaurants > where they were purchased for a free replacement or to call > 800-467-4712 for more information. Just think of all the phone calls they're getting from people who talk funny because they have a rubber frog tongue up their nose. And then there are the people with the butt-frog problem... > Jordache Ltd. of New York voluntarily recalled about 5,400 > FUBU brand sweatshirts because they fail to meet federal flammability > standards and could ignite easily. No injuries have been reported but > consumers are advised to return them to point of purchase for > full refund or to call 800-655-3080 for more information. And not to notice that FUBU is actually a division of Jordache, the whitest company in the world. -- K. Except for WWF management. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Die die die die die Date: Fri, 9 Jun 2000 05:46:19 GMT X-Complaints-To: Bob Hope Organization: http://www.kibo.com Sarah Cherlin (scherlin@pacbell.net) wrote: > > Guess what lovely, lovely surprise Pacific Bell had up this morning. > > "Due to catastrophic malfunction on the primary storage array. All > news spools had to be rebuilt. Therefore all groups will only have > content from today forward." Waah! It's mean of them to demand that alt.religion.kibology will have to have content from now on! SO, HOW ABOUT THAT POLITICS AND STUFF? -- K. I'M VOTING FOR ELIçN GONZçLEZ! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Today's Bob Hope updates Summary: He's still not dead Date: Fri, 9 Jun 2000 06:07:37 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com from the Associated Press, early today: > > RANCHO MIRAGE, Calif. (AP) -- Bob Hope is likely to be out of the > hospital and headed home by Thursday. > The 97-year-old entertainer ``responded with a resounding, > 'Yes!''' when asked if he would like to go home, Dr. Gary > Annunziata said Tuesday. He said Hope likely would be released > within 48 hours. Then Hope coughed up another series of ''''''' and was placed under observation. from the Associated Press, later today: > > Subject: Bob Hope Released From Hospital > > RANCHO MIRAGE, Calif. (AP) -- A week after he was hospitalized > for intestinal bleeding, a frail but smiling Bob Hope stood and > waved to cameras Wednesday and then was sent home. > The 97-year-old entertainer's appearance outside Eisenhower > Medical Center had been planned, but not his discharge. EWWWWWWW!!! > Hope decided Wednesday that as long as he was up and dressed > that he would go home, and his doctor agreed, hospital spokeswoman > Lea Goodsell said. > Hope's hand shook and he leaned on a rail for support, but he > attempted a grin. His wife, Dolores, and Dr. Gary Annunziata stood > close by as he waved. > Hope didn't say anything as he left the hospital, but hospital > officials had reported earlier that he was eating well and flirting > with his nurse. > ``If he knew how old his nurse was (26-year-old Cheree Combs) > he'd say he has golf balls older than she is. I see, so (a) Bob Hope can't tell that a 26-year-old is younger than 97, and (b) Bob Hope doesn't know the Green Golfball Joke. from United Press International: > > Subject: Bob Hope released from hospital > > RANCHO MIRAGE, June 7 (UPI) -- Bob Hope was released from the hospital > late Wednesday, nearly a week after he was admitted to be treated of > gastrointestinal bleeding. > A spokeswoman for Eisenhower Medical Center said the 97-year-old Hope > waved to well-wishers in the lobby of the Rancho Mirage hospital about 5 > p.m. , and then said to his wife, Delores, "As long as we're dressed, we > may as well go home." Then he and his team of eight gagwriters checked out of the hospital. -- K. Paging Dr. DeBartolo, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: God bless this city Date: Sat, 10 Jun 2000 05:24:13 GMT X-Complaints-To: Bob Hope Organization: http://www.kibo.com Simon de Vet (sdevet@istar.ca) wrote: > > Today, in Halifax, on the corner of Spring Garden and South Park, I saw > two bagpipe players punching each other for no apparant reason. > > *sniff* > > I love this city! Whaddaya mean, "no apparent reason"? Everyone wants to punch bagpipers! Even other bagpipers! -- K. I wonder if the two of them were related to the two violin-playing dwarves I once saw fighting at Government Center. Or was that on "Twin Peaks"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Queen not amused as cannabis plant found at palace Date: Sun, 11 Jun 2000 03:53:30 GMT X-Complaints-To: Bob Hope Organization: http://www.kibo.com l'AFP wrote: > > LONDON, June 10 (AFP) - Staff at Buckingham Palace were being > questioned Saturday after a cannabis plant was found growing in > Queen Elizabeth II's kitchen, police said. > Police raided the palace in the early hours of Saturday. > "A very small quantity of a cannabis plant was discovered and > has been taken away by police for examination. The amount involved > is minute and probably not useable," a police spokesman said. > "There have been no arrests and it is uncertain whether there > will be any further action taken." > A member of the palace staff alerted security personnel, > according to a report in the weekly News of the World. > It reported a palace source as saying the queen was furious and > had demanded a full inquiry. "NOBODY grows weed in the palace but me!" she screamed, and then ordered the kitchen staff beheaded at the Tower. -- Sincerely, Lyndon LaKibo. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lorentz's Circle Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2000 03:36:49 GMT X-Complaints-To: Bob Hope Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium > In sci.physics, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > > > I'll say it again smart ass; > > Get off the thread. > > You're off topic and posting harassment. > > > > > > X-Complaints-To: > > wrenabuse@remarq.com > > > > > > Look for a mark somewhere else Frankie, this one will > > take you to court and kick your ass for you > > if you start following me around on the Internet > > and harrassing me. But that's the wrong address, Cubey. Your very own headers say > > X-Complaints-To: abuse@mediaone.net ...your Internet service provider says to complain to "abuse@mediaone.net", and this means that if you complain to any other address, the Internet Police could put you in Internet Jail! Along with all those people who ever listened to Napster! And that guy who once quoted a ClariNet article! So, stop not complaining to abuse@mediaone.net! "FrankR" responded: > > George, I'm asking you about a topic YOU posted, in the same > newsgroup you started the discussion on, in the same subject you > mentioned your "psychology research," by which you supposedly > mean your "discovery of God," which YOU proclaimed on this very > newsgroup. > > My service provider says you were a no-show at the appointment I > set up for you. You said you wanted to file an "in PERSON" > complaint, why didn't you? > > Now you're going to sue me? Two weeks ago you were going to > call the cops. Which is it? I can hardly wait for the next > threat -- maybe you're calling to call the President and have > him send a few nukes my way? Dear George Hammond, Please stop stealing Archie Plutonium's shtick. Also the fonts on your imaginary lawsuits aren't as nice as the fonts on his imaginary lawsuits. Of course, I haven't actually seen any of his, but he told us what the typography would have looked like if we had special plutonium-powered brains that could read invisible ink printed on edible invisible paper. Nobody will take you seriously unless you make your imaginary lawsuits as pretty as Archie's! -- K. Znlor jura Trbetr fnvq ur jnf svyvat na "va CREFBA" pbzcynvag uvf svatre fyvccrq naq uvg "C" vafgrnq bs "F", "R" vafgrnq bs "N", "E" vafgrnq bs "A", naq "FBA" vafgrnq bs "R". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Space Kibo Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2000 04:24:39 GMT X-Complaints-To: Bob Hope Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Fantod" (fantod@geocities.com) pointed out this informative news story on the SpaceViews Web site: > > Company to Fly First Web Server in Space > Published: 2000 June 11 > 2:09 pm ET (1809 UT) > > A startup satellite company announced Saturday it is partnering with one > of the world's leading computer companies to put what it claims to be the > first Web server in orbit. Oh, good. It was always boring for those astronauts who were flying around in space without any pornography to look at. > SkyCorp said it will fly an Apple Macintosh G4 computer in an experimental > satellite it is planning to deploy from the space shuttle during a flight > next year. The announcement was made Saturday at the Silicon Valley Space > Enterprise Symposium in San Jose, a conference sponsored by the Space > Frontier Foundation that brought together space entrepreneurs and > potential investors. In fact, Bill Gates announced he is donating several billion dollars to launch EVERY Macintosh into space. > "This Web server will utilize standard computer technology, modified for > space," said Dennis Wingo, CEO of SkyCorp. "Apple Computer has agreed to > provide hardware and technical support to SkyCorp for this venture." Wait... Apple Computer provides technical support to someone now? > Users would be able to access the server using wireless networking > protocols, including a SkyCorp-developed variant of Apple's existing > AirPort wireless networking technology, as the satellite passed overhead. > The server would largely contain technology and hardware test data. Like about the results of tests to determine whether AirPort has a range of 100 or 150 feet. > Wingo, a veteran of various space projects, flew Macintosh II computers on > three shuttle missions, STS-46, -57, and -63, in the early 1990s. He says > that, to the best of his knowledge, these are the only Macs to have flown > in space. Sure, some of the astronauts have carried laptop computers running Mac OS, but everyone knows that laptops aren't REAL computers! Especially Mac laptops! Macs aren't REAL computers because Macs can't display color! > In 1998 NASA and SPACEHAB did implement a system that allowed researchers > to get "Web-like" access to data from their experiments on the shuttle. I plan to work that cutesy euphemism into conversation several times a day. "Where's the waiter with our food? I've been waiting forever! This restaurant is too Web-like!" "I can hardly make out the nipples in this centerfold. This pornography is so badly printed that it's Web-like!" "Wow! Tony Danza's got a Web-like new sitcom!" > However, that system used routers on the shuttle and the ground to > transfer data which could then be accessed by FTP, rather than a Web > server on the shuttle itself. Never mind that, when are they launching a Napster server? > However, the primary purpose of the satellite mission is not to place a > Web server in orbit but to waste money while happening to place a Web server in orbit. > test SkyCorp's satellite assembly technology. HINT: GLUE WORKS BETTER THAN RUBBER BANDS. There, I just saved them millions of dollars in research money. > The company is developing technologies to assemble satellites in orbit > that would be as fully-functional as existing satellites, but at a small > fraction of the mass and cost. ...and cost? But I thought they said it was a Macintosh. > The difference is that satellites today must be able to handle the high > vibrations and accelerations of launch itself, even though the satellite > will never again feel those forces once in orbit. "About 70-90 percent of > satellite costs go into launch ruggedization," said Wingo. "Launch Ruggedization." The thrilling new all-marionette TV series from Gerry & Sylvia Anderson! "Prepare to activate stage seven ruggedization!" yelled spunky Scott Scrunch as he moved his lips. Then the robotic arm lifted the satellite onto the roller coaster which took it to the hovercraft which moved it into position so the robotic leg could kick the tires on the satellite, which then exploded for fifteen minutes. Then there was a closeup of a puppet shaped like Martin Landau and children everywhere had nightmares for the rest of their lives. The End. > SkyCorp, based in Huntsville, Alabama, is currently negotiating a > memorandum of understanding with NASA to fly components of a satellite on > a shuttle mission next year. The satellite, containing the Web server, > would be assembled in orbit by the shuttle crew and then deployed out the > shuttle. > > If that test flight is a success, it opens the way to building large > constellations of such satellites, which could be assembled by crews on > the shuttle, International Space Station, and Mir. And they'd come in five different fruit flavors: raspberry, black raspberry, boysenberry, loganberry, and purple. > In the case of ISS, for example, Wingo notes that the satellites > could be assembled within the station and then deployed out the > airlock of Kibo, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! > the Japanese research module, which features a robotic arm that could > remove the satellite from the airlock without the need for a > spacewalking astronaut. Yeah, there's no need to send _people_ into space. But there's a crying need for Web servers up there. > By building inexpensive, superlightweight satellites in orbit, Wingo > believes it would be possible to build a satellite constellation of the > type proposed by satellite communications firm Teledesic for less than 10 > percent of Teledesic's cost, which has been estimated to be at least $9 > billion. ...but that doesn't count the cost of sending an astronaut up to push the reset button when they mysteriously lock up every 23 hours. -- K. They should also send up some Windows computers so that they could defend the free world with their Blue Screen Of Death Rays, which cause things that worked yesterday to never work right again. "The country 'RUSSIA' has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down..." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibology. The last great mystery of mankind. Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2000 04:32:32 GMT X-Complaints-To: Bob Hope Organization: http://www.kibo.com Jessica Lavarnway (jal@lavarnway.mv.com) wrote: > > I've followed this newsgroup for a long time (although I feel lost > enough that I haven't posted in two and a half, maybe three years > now). I want to know which is the most kibological: > > A. A three year old that puts Hershey's chocolate syrup all over the > carpet at three in the morning and then goes back to bed? > > B. A hamster that is the size of a Chihuahua? > > C. A turtle who is vegetarian? A. That's not chocolate! B. Depends. Is it the size of a hamster-size Chihuahua or a big one? C. They sell artificial cockroach flavor you can put on veggies to make them more palatable to fussy reptiles that don't like vegetables. However, I don't think anyone sells any sort of vegetable juice you're allowed to put on cockroaches to make them taste better. It's against the law for cockroaches to taste better. -- K. I finally got rid of the bottle of Mouse Maker brand mouse flavor that had been sitting around here for a year or two. It didn't really have any flavor. Frankly, I think they watered down the mouse juice. Couldn't they have at least diluted it with something that tasted like mouse juice, like Yoo-Hoo?