Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy, disturbing thing Date: Sat, 24 Jun 2000 01:51:58 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (www.kibo.com has a few of those on the front page, > > to make search engines see a more descriptive and > > less wacky front page than natural persons see.) > > Now all of the paranoid people on a.r.k. will wonder if you have > special directives on your site JUST FOR THEM, so that > they don't get to see the REAL kibology content the rest of us see. The whole site's in a special variant of ROT13 where it's encrypted to LOOK like a wacky vanity site but if you decrypt it correctly it turns into a recipe for making a nuclear bomb from red playing cards. Also the part that says "FREE BEER" really does have free beer inside it. -- K. I get so many hits from people typing "FREE BEER" into search engines. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Computers are so demanding. Date: Sat, 24 Jun 2000 02:01:10 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Dan Bateman (batemand@buck.com) wrote: > > Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > Gee Kibo, you offended that nerd pretty quick. Let's offend > > some other nerds! LEEE SHELTON BUMGARNER!! > > Let's try this: "I was surfing the information superhighway the other > day on my IMac running Windows 97 with 4.3 GB of memory, when a box thingy > popped up saying I had done something illegal. I panicked because I don't > want to go to jail, so I hit Control-Alt-Desq-Fruit-@ and got booted back > to \usr\bin\system32." Hey! You didn't say whether you meant the Open Fruit Key or the Closed Fruit key! All Macs have one of each! (They would have made them red and green for WordPerfect, the best wordprocessor ever, but Apple's computers stopped being able to do color when they introduced the first Mac, the Classic. I can't believe they make the computers in different colors of plastic just to hide the fact that they have black and white displays!) Also, Nick, your Atari 800 IS JUST A GAME MACHINE!!! -- K. ...hoping I don't accidentally turn this group into comp.kibology.advocacy by treading the fine line between meta-trolling (in which "meta-" modifies the REAL meaning of "trolling") and what bozos think of as the meaning of "trolling". PEOPLE WHO POST FLAMEBAIT ARE ALL MORONS!!! AND FAT!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Deja killfiles the past Date: Sat, 24 Jun 2000 02:17:53 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp "Crgre Jvyyneq" (petew@drizzle.com) wrote: > > In the new NTK: > > So the new look, new stupid, Deja decided to killfile > five years of Usenet archiving to concentrate on its > comparison-shopping core incompentency ("only 10% of > our traffic is to postings older than a year", says > the company, neatly decimating their user base in one > swoop). > > More at www.ntk.net C'est Need To Know! I understand that there's not much market for old Usenet articles in random newsgroups, but surely 10% of Deja's traffic is an awfully big number of people. (Probably less than 10% of their user base is generating that 10% of traffic, but still, they must get a number of hits in the hundreds of thousands to millions per day.) I wonder how much money they were losing with those big servers. (It's not like they could just plug a huge hard disk into a PC -- with zillions of people hitting the thing at once, they'd need to have the database distributed across lots of disks and CPUs, and then there would be all the extra processing needed to index everything so that it wouldn't have to read through the entire database every time you did a search... just the size of the index files must be enormous.) I wonder what sort of equipment they have/had. I can't say as I blame 'em for cutting out their useful free services if they're not getting enough advertising revenue to support them, but I wish they'd come forward and be honest and say what everyone's figured out, "WE'RE TAKING THIS STUFF AWAY BECAUSE IT LOSES US MONEY WHENEVER ANYONE USES IT. ALSO WE CAN MAKE MORE MONEY ON TRICKING PEOPLE INTO DOING ALL THEIR COMPARISON- SHOPPING THROUGH OUR SITE SO THAT WE CAN COLLECT HIDEOUSLY DETAILED INFORMATION ON THEIR LIFESTYLE AND SELL THAT AND THEN USE THAT REVENUE TO FINANCE RESEARCH INTO NEW WAYS TO MAKE USENET HARD TO READ." I've also always wondered why some newsgroups had older archived articles available than other ones. Was Deja giving more attention to the newsgroups that generated the most click-throughs for the ad banners? Or to the ones that had the most advertising-worthy demographics for the people in question? Or did they just have more articles in some newsgroups because they thought the group was more important, or because it had less traffic and easier to archive? I never liked the way they wouldn't just put up a sign on each newsgroup saying exactly which months and years were available. I think that's a primary requisite of any historical archive... Anyway, expect to see some sort of announcement sometime soon about an exciting new way to access alt.religion.kibology if you're (for some reason) unable to run a real newsreader program on your PC and want a way to access a.r.k which is considerably less evil (and completely ad-free!) compared to DejaNews and Remarq. -- K. X-Face support, too. Public beta testing opens pretty darn soon. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: HOW EARTHQUAKES ARE TRIGGERED - The Race Has Begun, June 23, 2000 Date: Sat, 24 Jun 2000 09:54:34 GMT X-Complaints-To: Bob Hope Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.physics, "E.D.G." (edgrsprj@ix.netcom.com) wrote: > > TO: WORLD GOVERNMENTS > TO: INTERNATIONAL DISASTER RESPONSE GROUP PERSONNEL > TO: GEOPHYSICISTS, GEOLOGISTS, OTHER INTERESTED PARTIES > > From: E.D.G. Scientific Consultant edgrsprj@ix.netcom.com > Web Site: http://home.netcom.com/~edgrsprj/index.html > Date: June 23, 2000 > Posted to: sci.geo.earthquakes, Other Newsgroups > Also circulated by e-mail > > TABLE OF CONTENTS > > (1) A PROPOSED EARTHQUAKE TRIGGERING PROCESS COMPUTER PROGRAM Cool! I can't wait to buy my copy of that! Do I have to attach a subwoofer to my computer to use it? > [...much blather elided...] > > (3) A RECOMMENDATION FOR NEWSGROUP READERS > > If you and your loved ones live near an active earthquake > fault zone then I recommend that you make copies of this report > and send them to your local government officials, scientific > groups, and news services for review. If you do not, and you > someday discover yourself sitting in a small, dark air pocket > waiting for Search and Rescue team personnel to dig through tons > of earthquake related collapsed building rubble to find you, who > should you blame? But... sci.physics _is_ a small, dark air pocket. The difference is that I'm waiting for the Search And Destroy personnel to come and find _you_. > The information presented in this report represents expressions > of personal opinion. Its contents are protected by applicable > U.S. and foreign copyright laws. What about _alien_ copyright laws, huh? YOU FORGOT TO COPYRIGHT YOUR RANTINGS ON MARS, YOU BOZO! I'm gonna set up a Napster server on Mars just to deprive you of all the royalties you would otherwise get when other people read your screed! Also I'm gonna let Kevin Costner have the movie rights. And it'll feature Corey Haim as Terl! Plus a special cameo by Ronald McDonald as himself... breakdancing! And a surprise appearance by Naked Bob Hope! Every ten seconds! > It would be appreciated if Newsgroup responses to this notice > were posted to only the sci.geo.earthquakes Newsgroup. Thanks. It would be appreciated if you gave me all the candy in the world, in the form of a giant orbital Pez dispenser. Please put the licorice near the bottom end so I don't have to eat it to get to the Twizzlers. > (4) THE EARTHQUAKE TRIGGERING EQUATION > > S(t) = aA + bB + cC + dD + eE + ... GENIUS! You've finally discovered an equation which is printed on a cardboard strip above the top of the chalkboard in every kindergarten in the world! > S(t) is the accumulated strain needed to trigger an earthquake in > a particular fault zone. > > A B C D E ... are forces, or phenomena which cause strain to > accumulate in fault zones. > > a b c d e ... are factors which indicate how important a > particular strain generating force or phenomenon is for a given > earthquake. So, there are 26 factors which trigger earthquakes in the United States, but more in Japan? > The first and most important term "aA" would of course represent the last word spoken by a guy stepping off the edge of a tectonic plate into the magma. > the movement of tectonic plates relative to one another etc. > Those processes contribute most of the strain to a fault zone. > > bB cC dD eE ... would represent forces or phenomena such as the > gravitational pulls of the sun and the moon, ocean tides, and the > solid earth tide which might temporarily or permanently add > enough additional strain to a fault zone to trigger an > earthquake. Oh, yes. The solid earth tide. Cause by the Earth pulling on itself. FROM ITS HIDING POINT ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE MOON WHERE WE CAN'T SEE IT! THE EARTH GOES THERE WHILE WE SLEEP! STUPID SNEAKY EARTH! > [...much more bozo blather about how the Moon drags tectonic plates > back and forth snipped away...] I apologize for deleting most of this brilliant theory, but I had to because the article was so massive that it was about to cause an earthquake. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go Moon-proof my windows so that the lunar gravity won't rearrange my furniture. -- K. It's like "Space: 1999" only BACKWARDS. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Ted Turner Recycles His Money Date: Sat, 24 Jun 2000 10:18:01 GMT X-Complaints-To: Bob Hope Organization: http://www.kibo.com The Associated press posted: > > BUTTE, Mont. (AP) -- It's easy being green, media mogul Ted Turner says. Oh no! He colorized himself! I wondered why this can of peas showed the Jolly Green Giant with a mustache. > ``When I pass away, 90 percent of my money will go in the > (Turner) Foundation. I'm recycling my money,'' Just like Howard Hughes did. No, wait, that was urine. Never mind. Unless Ted Turner keeps his money in jars of urine. (Hmm, it might be a good idea to let Andre Serrano take over TBS for a week. Instead of sixteen hours of "The Beastmaster II", we'd see the master negative of "The Beastmaster II" soaking in a jar of urine for sixteen hours. That's a cable channel I'd pay for! Plus it would give me a chance to play with the tint on my TV set. "Look! I turned urine into Gatorade!" > the 61-year-old multibillionaire told the Butte Press Club on Thursday. ...when they elected the butt-head Head Butte of The Butte Club. > The foundation provides grants for research on ecology and > population issues. > The planet is in bad shape, but ``it's not over till it's > over,'' said Turner, whose holdings include the Atlanta Braves. ``A > lot of games turn around in the eighth and ninth inning.'' > The Atlanta businessman, who has donated $6.5 million to Montana > causes, called himself ``a halfway Montanan.'' > ``Montana's the last great place, and people are flooding in > here because they can't take it (elsewhere) anymore,'' he said. Then he complained about having to ride his private subway from Atlanta to Montana sitting next to a gay black Jewish Puerto Rican with purple hair and no green skin. -- K. Does anyone else think an exciting new "reality show" for TBS would be to lock John Rocker in a windowless, doorless, airtight house containing NO video cameras? P.S. I hope I'm not the only one here who remembers Andre Serrano. Anyway, don't fret if I've just reactivated your long-dormant Andre Serrano brain cell. It'll feel much worse when, in ten years, I'll say "John Rocker" and hibernating parts of your brain will light up faster than Carl Sagan finding one last doobie in his beanbag chair. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: King and Kween of the Kibologists Kaption Kompetition (Cone Alert) Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2000 05:43:32 GMT X-Complaints-To: Bob Hope Organization: http://www.kibo.com cyberscream@my-deja.com wrote: > > Look at this image > > http://hazard.co.uk/products/images/clot3.jpeg > > Its kibological nature cannot be called into kwestion and it is dying > out for a funny kaption from Kerrazy yet inKredible Kibologists. Kum up > with a kaption. If you win. you become King and or Kween. I think the photo itself is more amusing than any caption I could write. "Mom said you have to stay on your side of the limbo set." "I'm sorry, Dan, your vest's the right color, but you still can't fool me into thinking you're a talking cone." "I said, I'll pull your finger after I set up the flatulence cones!" And besides, I prefer http://www.hazard.co.uk/products/images/cone3.jpeg ...because of the following description of a product nobody asked for: --> Conetrack --> --> Keeps all the cones firmly in their place. Each 750mm high traffic cone --> locks into position at any point along the Heavy Duty Rubber Base. --> --> The cones can be positioned shoulder to shoulder at a much greater --> density than Free-Standing 750mm cones. The solid unbroken code of --> the rubber base makes the cone track system form a most solid looking --> wall of cones. Wooooo. A cone organizer caddy which makes A SOLID UNBROKEN CODE meaning "Hey! Cones can be used like Duplo blocks!" WATCH OUT! IT'S A WALL OF CONES! AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T FISHTAIL INTO THAT ENORMOUS STACK OF EMPTY CARDBOARD BOXES OR TIP OVER THAT FRUIT CART OR KNOCK THE SOCIETY MATRON INTO THE POOL! -- K. Not to be confused with "Conetrek", the show where the spaceship patrolled The Barricade Tape Zone to keep the Romulans from writing their names in our wet cement. And then someone pushed Harold Lloyd into the cement so they had to build a Chinese theater there! And he fell into wet cement again at every Planet Hollywood at age 130! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Duh of the week. Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2000 06:58:56 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Madonna has apparently been talking about how being pregnant has been giving her food cravings which she's been satisfying... cravings for eggs... cravings for olives... and cravings for beer. That's right, Madonna has been telling people that she's been going out of her way to drink while pregnant. If I may use the power of digital stick-figure technology to extrapolate what her unborn child's face will look like: ____________________________________ / \ / (@) (@) \ (| ^ |) \ \___/ / \____________________________________/ "Mommy, I don't like Cabbage Patch dolls because they don't look like me -- buy me a dolly whose eyes are farther apart!" Sheesh, if Madonna wants to give her kid Fetal Alchohol Syndrome, at least she could have kept the news to herself so it would be a big surprise when she gave birth to a kid who looks like a Jack Kirby character. Her public-relations manager issued a statement saying... (I SWEAR I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP) ...that it's okay for Madonna to drink while pregant... because... "SHE DOESN'T SWALLOW." Now, even if Clinton had never said "I didn't inhale it." several years ago, that would still have been one of the funniest bozo lies ever told. Imagine, Madonna, not swallowing! As a result of this scandal, my faith in Madonna's intelligence has been shattered, and I'm going to return her book to the library from which I stole it. -- K. I read this in one of the more presigious newspapers, one of the ones which can afford color on EVERY page. Also their expert copy- editors never, ever put the annoying line "CONTINUED ON PAGE 48J" at the bottom of the page because none of the articles is more than three paragraphs long. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: curses Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2000 07:16:27 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Oh dear, it's one of those threads of conversation where all articles in it are only one line long, just like this one I'm writing: In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > > > I think some curses can attack a person who is good Matthew Edd (at no E-mail address) wrote: > > Explain curses Kurt. Rock curses scissors! -- K. "Watch out, Barbara Bain! It might be The Pottymouth Rock!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Today's thrilling supermarket tale of eggs which may be plants! Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2000 07:39:51 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I was at the supermarket today to buy some ground beef, because I had all these things like block of concentrated Japanese curry to use up, and because the oven was being quiescently cleaned by scrubbing bubbles that try to dissolve my lungs so I couldn't eat frozen food for the next several hours. While I was at the supermarket (the Prudential Star), I saw, much to my amazement, that they actually had some worthwhile-looking eggplants at this produce-impaired mid-big-city market. Okay, the full-size Italian eggplants were kind of ragged, but next to them they had a bin with several perfect, blemish-free, wrinkle-free, hole-free little baby Italian eggplants! And next to that, some Chinese eggplants, and next to that, some Japanese eggplants (which always look like they've been horribly beat up), and further down, lo and behold, a beautiful long thin white eggplant of a species I'd never seen before! It claimed to be Thai eggplant at five bucks a pound. (The regular bruised Italian ones are 89c a pound.) I claimed the amazing new Thai eggplant and two of the perfect baby eggplants. After looking at the eggplants, I saw that the deli counter had a nice assortment of tubs of the various kinds of salads which do not involve any sort of green stuff, namely, macaroni salad, potato salad, egg salad, "seafood" salad, etc. I picked up the frontmost tub of yellow goo and looked at the sticker on the bottom to ensure it was actually egg salad and not some vile new invention such as cheez whiz salad. The bottom of the tub said $2.23 and EGG SALAD BULK. (Mmm! Salad bulk!) I wanted some, but, because it's never wise to buy the frontmost item from one of these open refrigerated racks (it's half a degree warmer than the rest and therefore potentially half a degree rancider) I reached back and grabbed the one behind it. Then I checked the price. It was a fifty-dollar tub of egg salad. $49.99, to be exact. The sticker said TURKEY DINNER. So, I hunted around for some egg salad that wasn't exposed to light and wasn't overpriced by a factor of twenty. I eventually found some and was happy. At the checkout, the clerk was confused by my eggplants (which didn't have ID number stickers on them) and hunted around on the laminated Eggplant And Other Vegetable Identification Chart for their code number. I told him the big one was a super-expensive Thai eggplant, and he didn't believe me and thought it was a cheaper white eggplant, because everyone knows there are many kinds of purple eggplant but only one kind of white eggplant. But I set the record straight, demanding that he charge me full price for my choice of eggplant. The most wonderful- looking eggplant ever! When I got home, I cut up two of my three eggplants (saving one of the babies for a later snack) and added them to half a gallon of water, a pound of 85% ground beef (don't ask what the other 15% is), a brick of frozen chopped spinach, and two pucks of S&B brand "Roasted Curry". Roasted Curry turned out to be an interestingly brown variety of yellow curry that tasted like a drop of mesquite smoke had been stirred in. Of course, the curried eggplant/spinach/hamburger was wonderful, because those are the two best vegetables you could possibly curry, and because I knew how to deal with the ground beef in such a way that it disintegrated into millions of little dots and not big chewy clumps. I ate three bowls of it and put the rest away. A few hours later, I ate my egg salad. It didn't taste like it wold have been worth fifty dollars, but at least it tasted like it was worth two dollars. It was a little grainy, but I was happy that it wasn't secretly a form of eggshell salad like the stuff from Sage's in Harvard Square. -- K. They have cartons of a pre-separated liquid egg product named "No Yolks". I think these would sell better, especially in Mississippi, if they stopped emphasizing what they _aren't_ and just said what they _are_: "Whites Only". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hatchets, baby phones recalled Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2000 08:04:04 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > [on dumb new Subway policies that waste his valuable time and keep > him from posting to alt.religion.kibology while he's making sandwiches, > to trick Subway customers into thinking they're getting more personalized > attention because the exact same sandwiches now take longer to make] > > We have two kinds o'bread now? White and wheat? Four, if you count the stale ones separately! > And earlier this year they said "Oh, by the way, instead of stretching the > bread once it's thawed enough to become Limp and then popping it in the > oven for Timmy & me? Now you have to take this special tool, and slash the > bread four times per stick, so that once it's baked it looks French. Yeah, > French, that's it."? You can learn more about Subway's exciting new bread at http:////www.subway.com. > And this added, oh forty seconds or so per tray of bread? Or two-three > minutes per ovenload? So, don't do any ovenloads! Just stop cooking the dough before you give it to customers! Geez, can't you even think of obvious solutions like that without me telling you how to run your business I never eat at? > Now they're expanding to five kinds of bread. Except three of them are the > old two, each rolled in a different special powdery concoction. (One's > parmesan and oregano mixed together. One's made from oats. I forget what > the other one will be.) The first two mixed together! Here's what I would suggest for the three powders: 1. Bacon bits. 2. Blue Lik-M-Aid Fun Dip. 3. The mysterious white powder they add to Orange Julius drinks to make them taste like eggshells. > And you have to roll them -after- you stretch them, but before you > slash them. This means they'll have to fire all their employees and get skilled labor! Don't forget wrapping the sandwich up before leaning on it really hard when you slice it and using a really rusty knife which leaves little shreds of wax paper which your hand is mashing into the center of the sandwich where you'll never find them and they stay in your stomach forever because digestive juices can't dissolve wax paper. > Oh, and I just -bet- we'll have to make up new trays of the powdery > concoctions for each time we bake bread, and throw away the old ones... Or call Mark Blankfield to come suck them up through a straw. It would be almost as funny as a Cheech & Chong movie! > And! Also! Now we're gonna have to assemble -all- our sandwich meats by > hand? What, and take your feet off the baloney? > While making the sandwich? Instead of being able to make 'setups' > in the morning, pop them into bins, and then when the happy customer says > "I want a #6 please" popping a setup out of the bin labelled "#6" so the > new people know where to look and flipping it over onto the sandwich? So > now making a club sandwich, one of our most popular, takes an extra > forty seconds? Which doesn't sound like much but multiply that by fifty > a day? So just don't sell as many. Geez, you guys really need to hire me as an efficiency expert! I have low salary requirements, although I will need an expense account so I can have lunch at a REAL restaurant. > And consider that -before- this, we were using those thirty, forty > seconds between one customer being done rung up and the next walking in > the door to do stuff like, oh, say, post a fifty-line complaint to the Internet about how Subway wasted thirty valuable seconds of your time and you don't get paid for that because you get paid by the hour and so you only get paid if you make a sandwich which takes more than an hour? > go get more tomatoes because we're Out Up Here Guys? And now it > won't be there? I view this as an improvement, because I don't like tomatoes. > [...] > > Dave "These changes are CLEARLY suggested by people who have never, ever, > actually worked behind the counter. Furthermore, the memos being sent > around say they've been fully tested at test Subways and save record amounts > of time there -and- all the customers love them to death; clearly a case of > 'they sent -another- form to fill out about the new programs? We don't have > time to -do- this, here give it to the new guy to fill out and mail back'..." > DeLaney Do the Test Subway outlets have Test Customers, or do you trick real customers into eating Experimental Food? If the sandwich explodes, do we get reimbursed for hospital costs and/or dry-cleaning, depending on whether it exploded on the inside or the outside of our pants? Is Subway's sandwich-testing program ISO-9000 certified? -- K. If you take one from each letter in ISO, you get HAL! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Headline of the Day Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2000 08:29:24 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Carlos May (froggy@starbase.neosoft.com) wrote: > > WORLD'S OLDEST LIVING WOMAN IS DEAD That would have been a better headline if it had said: WORLD'S OLDEST LIVING BOB HOPE IS DEAD or especially: WORLD'S SECOND-OLDEST LIVING BOB HOPE IS DEAD IN SHOCKING AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIA ACCIDENT AT THE CLONING FACTORY. ALSO, FREE CANDY -- K. If you people are good I'll tell you one of Bob Hope's jokes. If you're bad, I'll tell you all of Bob Hope's jokes. This article is ugly. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Dumb dream #20000625a. Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2000 08:52:50 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Last night I dreamed I was in a barbershop and I was having an argument with the barber about whether I'd be allowed to get dreadlocks. (The weird part of that is that I haven't been in a barbershop in ten years.) Anyway, the result of the dumb dream about the mean uncool barber is that I decided I'd really like to have dreadlocks even if he said I can't. Except that my hair is too short and too straight and I need to be able to wash it every day. After some reasearch, I determined that dreadlocks are not an option for me, and this is a crying shame. So from now on, can you people please just treat me as if I have dreadlocks? -- K. Not BLOND ones, mind you, I just want to be one of those white guys with dreads, not a guy with blond dreads! Blond dreads would make people think I'm Japanese! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.bio.botany,sci.agriculture,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: inform sour cherry seeds 22JUN00 Physics Prairie Home Companion Date: Mon, 26 Jun 2000 00:11:35 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.bio.botany and sci.agriculture, "Archimedes Plutonium" (plutonium_archimedes@yahoo.com and/or plutoniu@willinet.net, depending on which header you're reading) wrote: > > [...] > > [...] > > [...] > > I like linoleum because it is the cleanest of floors. > But I am the King of Science and so all of these work projects > take second fiddle to any science. +---------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | ATTENTION, PEOPLE OF EARTH. | | | | THE KING OF SCIENCE LIKES LINOLEUM. | | | | THAT IS ALL. | | | +---------------------------------------------------------------+ > Recently something happened to my computer mouse and > wondering if others experienced the same thing, probably > not the solution that I took, though. Anyway, when I > started to use my new Apple computer about 2 months > later the ball in my mouse started acting up and would not > go where I wanted it to go. Cleaning prolonged it only for > a few more days. So I bought a new mouse of Kensington > brand. And would you not know it, but 2 months later this > ball went bad. And I as angry because when you are trying > to get things done on the computer and the mouse ball is > giving you grief it is easy to stir your temper. And I said > to myself, I am not going to go buy a new mouse every > 2 months. What I wished was the solution is the set up on > my iBook where my finger on a plate directs the pointer > and no friction mouse ball. Well, gee, Arch, are you going to jump ahead and invent trackpads for desktop computers before you finish inventing that thing you came up with last year, a digital camera? Maybe when you finish inventing the digital camera and trackpads that can be bought at computer stores you could also invent some sort of optical mouse that doesn't have a ball. > And I wished that I could buy some gadget like the iBook, something > that will last for years, not just 2 months. Wait... iBooks last for years now? Did you mistakenly get one that had travelled back through time to before they were first sold six months ago? By the way, you still haven't told us whether you got the boy's or the girl's model. > And then I realized that the mouse with the ball removed > is the same set up as the iBook except more onerous. MORE ONEROUS THAN AN iBOOK? THERE'S NO SUCH THING! > So, my solution for this problem of a 2 month mouse ball lifetime Geez, even Brett Somers could fill in a punchline here! Arch, you're TOO EASY. > is that I will do without a mouse ball altogether and use my > fingers to rotate the 2 pointer guides. It takes longer to > get around on the screen, but the dependability is what I > want. And with constant use, I train myself to go faster. I just want to know more about how you wore your ball down to a nub. No, wait, actually, I don't. Nobody does. Please keep your deformed balls to yourself! > Sour Cherries: > > I love to grow trees, especially trees that give me fruit. > Sour cherries are one of my most favorite fruits. Hazelnuts > are another one of my favorites and also pinenuts. So, Archie, in your special little world, hazelNUTS are FRUITS, grapeFRUITS are NUTS, and you're a grapefruit! > But those like acid soils, and I have base ph soil. So I have > to be happy with black walnuts instead of hazelnuts. I have > tried growing pinenuts but pine trees do not like base-ph > soil either. Some pine trees will grow here in eastern South > Dakota but only with care. I have tried to start Korean pine > for its pinenut and it is almost July and still the seeds have > not sprouted. Some of my Ponderosa Pine are dying, and > I am guessing that it is the wind. Oh, yeah, trees don't like air. > And my Juneberries, about half of them are dying. All the leaves > shrivel up and become leafless. The other half are giving me > fruit in this first year of planting. I water them every day. I hope the > > remaining ones make it. > > But some very good news this week. I found 2 sour cherry trees > in the neighborhood and full of cherries. And am allowed to get > as many seed as I want. The kind and generous owner of these > two sour cherries told me that if I put the seed into a can of water > that the seed will sprout just in the water and then go and plant > the sprout. However, I do not know if sour cherry needs a > winterization cold treatment first? Does anyone know? Be sure to pay extra for the undercoating. > Or, can I expect some of these seeds to sprout this summer? I am thinking > of replacing every dead or dying plant in my orchard with sour > cherry. And because these 2 trees are doing excellent in the soil > nearby means that they will do excellent in my orchard. > > My black walnut trees-- 15 of them are all doing well. They are in > Tubex which is really a good device to protect them from rabbits > and wind and when I water them it holds the water in place. > I like the appearance of black walnut trees. I have commented before > that I think black walnut trees look like an geologic ancient tree. > Their compound leaves and yellowish green > in appearance and blackish bark gives them the appearance and induces > a mood in onlookers of a long past geological time period. Not that > black walnut trees were around when the dinosaurs were around, but > that black walnut trees have the appearance to transport someone > way back in time. So, Archie, tell us more about what they had when dinosaurs were around. Also, the the black walnuts that the dinosaurs didn't have count as fruits or nuts? > I wonder if cherry trees do well close to black walnuts considering > their > juglan herbicide they emit? I tried emitting a Jungian herbicide on my lawn, but it didn't work as well as a strict Freudian weedkiller. > I suspect they are compatible with each > other > because I see chokecherry growing well in the vicinity of black walnuts. > > And I have a chokecherry that is all purple leaves. I am guessing that > all > purple leaves chokecherry is somewhat common? > > Question about my apricot trees. I see them growing well, but on windy > days their leaves are all shrivelled up. When the wind dies down the > leaves > sort of uncurl. Are my apricots in danger of dying from those winds? You could always heal your apricot trees by injecting them with the wonder drug laetrile... assuming you have some of whatever raw material is used to manufacture laetrile. -- K. If you like lineoleum, I highly recommend a Solarama Bedboard. I have no idea if it can regrow lost _tree_ limbs or just regular ones. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: My trips to Canada... Date: Mon, 26 Jun 2000 08:05:32 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com This July, I'll be spending a little time in: MontrŽal -- 2.5 days. Toronto -- 3.25 hours. Edmonton -- 4 days. Vancouver -- 90 minutes. While I won't have enough time in Vancouver to leave the airport, I should have enough time to see _something_ in Toronto and lots of stuff in Montreal and Edmonton. As I've mentioned before, I'm going to Edmonton just to see the Alberta Telephone Museum. Well, okay, I'm going up to see the West Edmonton Mall and other assorted local sights, like the silly little subway. And in MontrŽal this time, I'll try not to miss the McGill University building which they refuse to formally rechristen The William Shatner Building because he only donates fifty dollars (Canadian, I think) a year. Also this time I will hopefully have a chance to go into that Biosphere that they burned down just for that "Battlestar: Galactica" episode. Although I think I'm too late in the year to get delicious fried bumblebees at the Insectarium. Otherwise, what do I need to see, photograph, and/or do in these four Canadian cities? After all this travelling's over hopefully I'll have time to finish slapping together the big update to my Web site (which has now been in progress for two years) featuring lots of photos of Las Vegas, Washington DC, Minneapolis, New York City, canned chilis, and disgusting Asian supermarket discoveries. -- K. I HOPE JULY WON'T BE TOO HOT IN EDMONTON! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My trips to Canada... Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2000 04:37:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Arkaroo" (from ualberta.ca) wrote: > > Well, since no fellow Edmontonians seem to have replied to Kibo's > query, I'll try and share some details about the more interesting > areas/objects/events that I've encountered here. > > [...] > > The City of Edmonton > -------------------- > > The most popular event in July, as everybody is no doubt aware of, is > Klondike Days. Klondike Days is entertaining, but only in small doses; > once you've eaten your fifth bag of those little-tiny-sugar-donuts, > heard Gowan sing "Criminal Mind" while browsing the Ukrainian Sausage > Exhibition, and hopped over innumerable puddles of vomit ejected from > "The Rainbow" at high velocity, you begin to long for respite, however > temporary, from the Rabelaisian nightmare that is Klondike Days. I went out of my way to schedule my trip during Klondike Days. I figured that since I wanted to spend a few days in Edmonton, and I'd get sick of the West Edmonton Mall and Telephone Museum really fast, the Klondike Days festival should give me about another afternoon's worth of stuff to do. Even though I hate maple sugar candy. Ewwww. > While not being quite as cow-oriented as Calgary, Edmonton is the home > of one of the wonders of the world -- The Largest Cowboy Boot in > Canada can be found outside the Western Boot Factory (10007 - 167 > Street). I've pencilled in the Bata Shoe Museum for my Toronto trip, if time permits. If I go there I can tease them about not having the tallest cowboy boot in Canada while standing in the shadow of the tallest building in the world (according to the CN Tower's Web site which lists the heights of all the tall buildings in the world except for that Giant H they built in Maylaysia, because it's taller.) > Speaking of wonders, the High-Level bridge that connects the effete > south and gritty north of Edmonton is also the home of The Great > Divide Waterfall. I'm not sure when it goes off (I think it has > something to do with venting excess waste water), and I've never seen > it in action, but hey! It's 7.3 metres (24 feet) higher than Niagara > Falls (http://www.connect.ab.ca/~lrebus/about.html), which > automatically makes it worthwhile. But only if Margot Kidder falls into it with a weird glowing blue outline all around her. > While you're walking across the High-Level bridge, trying to figure > out how the The Great Divide Waterfall works, you'll have the perfect > opportunity to see the North Saskatchewan river beneath you. It is > brown. And, to quote an Edmonton Journal article of a few years back, > "Those Aren't Muskrats" you see bobbing along in the river's current. In Minneapolis, I got to see one of the northernmost pieces of the Mississippi River. It was the color of spirulina mixed with creamed spinach. There were geese trying to swim in it as their little legs dissolved. There was also a dead tree caught at the top of a dam, which looked like it had been dead so long that it might have floated down from Edmonton. > And speaking of the wonders of Mother Nature, The Muttart Conservatory > (9626 96A Street) is also a sight to behold. It's a quartet (maybe a > trio, I forget) of glass pyramids, each pyramid having its own unique > ecosystem; one is full of desert plants, one full of jungle foliage, > &c, &c. The best part is that you can imagine you're Bruce Dern in > "Silent Running" as you wander along the pathways within the pyramids. Please. That's my MontrŽal trip where I stand in the Biosphere and say "Woo-hoo! I'm standing in a location actually used on 'Battlestar: Galactica', just like the sets of 'Silent Running'!" Also, they can hardly be _unique_ ecosystems if they have real plants in them and not strange made-up plants! > If you have the time, I recommend taking a brief venture out of > Edmonton to nearby Vegreville, because it has both the world's largest > Pysanky (one of those complicated little Ukranian Easter eggs) AND the > world's largest Pyrohy (AKA Perogy). The Pyrohy, which is speared on a > giant fork, isn't a real dough-and-cheese Perogy. Okay, so they have the world's largest pierogi. Where can I got to see the world's largest pilmeni? > Everybody loves science! Everybody loves the CanadArm! So, naturally > enough, everybody loves the Space and Science Center (11211 - 142 > Street). Inside, it's a fun collection of interactive exhibits, [...] Nothing which is _truly_ fun needs to have the word "interactive" slapped in front of it! > And speaking of Winstons: if one were to explore the wonders of the > LRT, then one should definitely explore Jasper Avenue and its > environs. Disembarking the LRT at Churchill Station will drop you off > right beside the Stanley Milner library, the largest public library in > Edmonton, where they have bronze busts of Joseph Conrad and Dante on > display. Conrad had a wad of gum jammed in his nostril for over a > decade. Yes, but what about the statue? > [...] > > The City Hall is on the other side of Churchill square. It is ugly. > Oh, and a warning: if you're going to go to Winston Churchill square, > don't wander the streets during July 7th-16th or you'll be thronged by > mimes -- it's the "Street Performer's Festival", which is doubletalk > for mimes, mimes, and MORE GODDAMNED MIMES. Carry pepper-spray > accordingly. The mimes in MontrŽal are scarier. They're _Francophone_ guys who don't talk! > West Edmonton Mall > ------------------ > > If there is one thing that most everbody knows about Edmonton, it is > that we have a really, really, really big shopping mall. That much is > true. However, the mall is not a static, unchanging entity; WEM > changes its themes on a regular basis. Yet whenever they decide to > take a new direction, the remnants of the previous theme aren't > destroyed, but are instead shoved into an less-travelled area of the > mall to slowly decay. For instance, at some point in the olden days > there was a big emphasis on animals in WEM: fish and birds and > dolphins and sharks and bears and penguins and more could all be found > inside the mall. The last of the zoo-like displays, a plexiglass > enclosure full of shrieking peacocks, was sadly removed just a few > years back. There is still a tank of full-sized piranhas extant, I > believe on the second floor overlooking the Ice Palace. And there are > still penguins somewhere, but you have to pay to see them. That reminds me, we need to get a penguin at the office. > The end result of all this is a lot of odd, seemingly incongruous > stuff scattered throughout WEM, which waits to award the diligent > explorer. Anyways, here's some of the more notable sights of the Mall: > > 1) A big metal statue of a Right Whale. You can go into it, entering > through the mouth, and once inside you can almost imagine that you've > been swallowed by a whale whose gullet is only 5 feet deep and lit by > a little red lightbulb. This seems to be the highlight of the Mall for > Japanese tourists. I think I want to open a place named The Mall For Japanese Tourists and sell nothing but weird kinds of Fuji film ("New! Head-shaped film! Don't waste any film taking pictures of the stuff behind your wife's head!") and, of course, Hello Kitty paraphernalia. And there would be a barber shop that did nothing but bleached-blonde dreadlocks. > 2) Monstrously Huge Cockroaches. If you can arrange to be at the mall > long, long after the stores are closed, you may have the chance to see > these majestic creatures as they venture out to forage. The bigger a tank you have, the bigger your piranhas will grow. The bigger a mall you have, the bigger the roaches will grow. > 3) Hooker statues. At the inside entrance to Bourbon Street, you can > find a brace of prostitute statues, caught forever in the act of being > arrested by a statue of a policeman. "Help! Statuary rape!" Sorry. > 4) The Water-Park. Eh. There's indoor bungy jumping, but other than > the fact that the GIANT COCKROACHES breed there, and a scuba-diver got > caught in the wave-machine mechanism and died, it's pretty ho-hum. I'm told they let you scuba-dive in the submarine raceway, but only when it's closed, and only accompanied by a mall diver, and it's the world's easiest dive because it's well-lit and straight and escorted and there's nothing to stop and look at. I think it would be a lot more exciting if they'd just let a few of the piranhas loose once in a while. > 5) Galaxyland. Back before Disney sued, when it was called > Fantasyland, the big indoor roller-coaster (The MindBender) went off > its rails and smushed several people into a concrete pillar Allllllriiiiight! The MindSmusher! > 6) The Ball Machine. I think this is still in the mall. It was a bunch > of Rube Goldbergesque mechanisms that kept billiard balls rolling and > clattering around unceasingly. I could stare at that thing for hours, > and often did. AUGH!!!!!!!!!!! We have THREE of those in Boston. Two at the airport, one at the Museum of Science. Well, actually, the one at the Museum of Science is actually three separate machines stacked up, the balls obviously don't go through the panes of glass between them. I forget the name of the guy who makes 'em. The things that make balls roll around all have names like "Archimedean Excogitation". > University of Alberta: > ---------------------------- > > If you go to the Telephone Museum, then you're just a few blocks east > of the U of A campus. While the University lacks the full-scale > oddness of the Mall, it's still a big place with some odd touches. > > Strangest of the buildings is the Biological Sciences building -- > legend has it that it was designed simultaneously by three or four > architects who never actually communicated or even looked at the > other's work. While that's rather apocryphal, there are some > architectural peculiarities: there is a laboratory that was walled up > and only discovered in the late 1960s; there is a lecture hall that is > only accessible through the back of a display case; there is a > gopher-farm on the top of some of the lower outcroppings that can be > seen from the higher windows. Fun fact: I've never seen a gopher! (Last time I was in MontrŽal, I saw a beaver wandering around, though, and I saw a rabbit in Minneapolis. Around Boston I just see jellyfish.) > In the hall near the Department of Science office, still in the > Bio-Sci building, there are a few display cases worth observing. One > contains a collection of old biology samples, including a set of > stuffed and labelled mice arrayed in a leather case like so many > fur-covered darts, with little tufts of cotton peeping out from their > eye-sockets. If someone were to steal those for me, I'd be very happy. You're the person who's been advertising those videotapes with the mice and the high heels and the transvestites using duct tape in two different ways at once, aren't you? > Elsewhere on campus, the Law building has a sculpture in front of it > that resembles A Giant Screw. No more needs to be said. I'll try to lick it to see if it's a Screw Of Archimedes, in which case it'll taste like candy, microwaved spaghetti, and/or exploding cod. > And, of course, the University has a actual, functioning nuclear > reactor somewhere on campus (deep, deep below the Physics building, I > believe, behind a door covered with radiation symbols). If you're > lucky, you might get to see a vessel excursion, albeit a very slow one > (it's a Slowpoke reactor). Eh. We have a little reactor in my hometown of Schenectady. It belongs to a college thirty miles away that didn't want to get vaporized. > That's the end of my travelogue -- I hope that I have succeeded in > providing some useful useless information about my fair burg. Thanks so much for all your help! Unless you made all that stuff up. In which case, NO DEAD MICE FOR YOU! -- K. True story: Someone once gave me a taxidermied mouse from the University of Michigan, but I threw it out after I discovered that dead mice can grow live lice. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibological moment at NASA Date: Tue, 27 Jun 2000 04:36:16 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "ZippoNiner" (zippo.niner@robotron.org) wrote: > > Today I had to make little cubical bags to use for bulk-modulus > testing foam samples in a hydraulic pressure chamber. It wasn't until > I was on my fifth one that I realized that I was making OBVIOUS BAGS! Or little scale models of George Hammond, the world's foremost cubical airhead. -- K. WOO! I JUST SAID SOMETHING REALLY OBVIOUS! WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: My kingdom for a "MetMan"! Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2000 06:02:53 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com The NY Mets have a little comic book called "MetMan" which they pass out to kids (you have to be 14 or under to be allowed to have one) at ball games, showing this scary bald blue guy beating up guys from other baseball teams, all of whom are really short and run around in their underwear (unlike MetMan, who wears asymmetrical spandex.) The Atlanta Braves are playing the Mets at Shea Stadium Thursday through Sunday, and I think a lot of people are expecting massive "battery with batteries" as Mets fans hurl everything they can think of at racist a-hole John Rocker (especially AAA, AA, C, D, and DieHard batteries.) This is assuming that Rocker survives the ride he promised to take on the 7 subway (and also assuming he will keep that promise.) Anyway, at Saturday's game they're passing out a comic book in which an evil jerk tries to BLOW UP THE 7 TRAIN but the Mets beat him to a bloody pulp with a baseball bat. Can anyone obtain of one of these so that I -- and by "I" I mean "we" -- can see this thrilling morality drama which teaches nonviolent conflict resolution? -- K. Also, there should be a "Davey & Goliath" episode about John Rocker. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 1999 Dictionary Due Out Next Month Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2000 06:12:17 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com The Associated Press says: > > NEW YORK (AP) -- Unless you've been living on a desert island for > the past decade, you know what it is. But how do you spell it? > ``Dot-com'' is preferred, according to the new edition of the > Random House Webster's New College Dictionary. Or it can be > ``dot.com,'' but certainly not ``dotcom'' or ''.com.'' Oh, no! You can't spell ".com" ".com"! You have to spell out the period! And then stick in a hyphen! Because "dot" means "dash"! You can read more on Random House's Web site, "randomhousedot-com". > According to Random House, the preferred terms are also > ``antiglare'' (a type of headlight), ``sky surfing'' (aerial > skateboarding), ``slamming'' (change of long-distance service > without customer's permission) and ``zettabyte'' (one sextillion > bytes). > Those are among the hundreds of words appearing for the first > time among 207,000 definitions in the 1999 edition of the > dictionary due out next month. Yeah, and they couldn't just change the number printed on the cover because the dictionary is completely different every year and people would notice if there were any 1999 words in the 2000 edition. > ``It's very media-heavy,'' said Wendalyn Nichols, editorial > director for Random House References. ``We just try to stay on top > of current issues. Like... which year it is. > Slang is the sexiest, but we also keep up with the latest > political leaders.'' Wow! They not only know what year it was just last year, they've figured out who's President! > The dictionary will have competition from the other college > dictionaries, including Merriam-Webster's, American Heritage and > Webster's New World. > Random House's new words include ''24-7,'' ``energy bar,'' > ``megaplex,'' ``fashionistas,'' ``Gen Y'ers'' and ``e-tailing.'' > Only time will tell how they weather the era. > Also included are ``gaydar'' (a homosexual's ability to spot > another), ``eye candy'' (attractive person of limited merit) and > ``senior moment'' (brief lapse or moment of confusion). > Some of the slang phrases included are ``dead-cat bounce'' (a > temporary recovery in stock prices after a steep decline) and ``my > bad!'' (whoops). And remember, the moment slang gets into the dictionary it becomes very, very, very passŽ. (NOTE: MY NAME IS NOT SLANG.) > In the 1940s, says Random House, the list included apartheid, > atom bomb, baby-sit, barf, cheeseburger and gobbledygook. In the > 1950s came aerospace, brainstorming, car wash, do-it-yourself and > meter maid. > The 1960s brought area code, biohazard, Brownie point, doofus, > disco, glitch, Op-Ed and sexism. The 1970s? Airhead, bean counter, > deadbeat dad, junk food and gentrify. > Words for the 1980s included AIDS, caller ID, channel surf, dis, > trophy wife and wannabe. The last decade added anatomically > correct, bad hair day, carjacking, soccer mom, step aerobics and > World Wide Web. > Which brings us back to -- dot-com. Hey! You can't put a period in there! It's supposed to be Which brings us back to -- dot-com-dot -- K-dot ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Wow! Sign me up for that! Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2000 06:15:18 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I was shopping for little cases to enclose CompactFlash memory cards (those digital camera storage media slightly smaller than matchbooks) when I came across this honest description of a case which holds two, no, four, no, ten cards: > It holds 2 cards safely, with room for more too. IT HOLDS ONE VERY SAFELY! TWO SAFELY! THREE ONLY SOMEWHAT UNSAFELY! FOUR BECOME LIFE-THREATENING, WITH SOME RISK OF EXPLOSION! IT HOLDS A HUNDRED IF YOU GRIND THEM UP AND THROW 99% OF THE MATTER AWAY! I think I want to buy two of these and put one inside the other... ...and vice versa. Also in terms of digital camera excitement, I had a question about a weird, non-intutive feature of my camera. I would have asked my question on the manufacturer's technical support forum on their Web site, but it said: > Nikon Digital Imaging- Please Switch Frames On > Posting service will resume on June 29th. > > Please note that support for users outside of the USA is not assured. > If you do not provide platform and OS information in your support request > your message will not be released > > Nikon Inc will take legal action against any individual that attempts > to disable or impede the operation of this service, or harass users who > post an email addresses along with the support request. Please report > any harassing e-mail you receive as a result of participating in this > forum to the Webmaster of NikonTechUSA.com > > Please note that your IP number is logged when you post a message in > this forum. > > Please do not send support requests to the Webmaster, you will be > redirected to this area for internet support services > > D1 Postings > All postings for D1 must include the serial number of the camera. Failure > to include the number will result in the question not being posted and > no response to your query. All other products please do not include > serial numbers or service order numbers unless requested. > > Forum Quick Links > > Posting an identical question in multiple threads is considered spamming, > and may result in the deletion of ALL posted messages from the offending > users and removal of the user account. Please be considerate of other > forum users. We make best efforts to respond to messages within 24 hours > from Monday through Friday > > Image attachment service is no longer available > > Your patience is most appreciated as always.-Webmaster > > The Webmaster cannot respond to any technical support inquires. > > [...list of messages...] > > When the number of forum messages is large, posting may be restricted > until all pending questions are replied to. Please do NOT post the > same question multiple times, or in multiple forums. Please check our > TOS for acceptable posts. When the number of forum messages is large, > posting may be restricted until all pending questions are replied to. > Please do NOT post the same question multiple times, or in multiple > forums. Please check our TOS for acceptable posts. I'd like to announce that from now on, these will be the official policies for alt.religion.kibology. You can't post any of the following: (stuff, things, other.) Or pictures. And you can't post your E-mail address. You must include your serial number but not your E-mail address. Also posting is completely disabled too. Please be considerate of other alt.religion.kibology members while you're not allowed to say anything to them. Your patience is assumed to be most appreciated as always because you're not allowed to write to me, nyah. Please do not send mail with questions about this policy because you will be redirected to post your question here where you're not allowed to. Thank you again for your imaginary patience. -- K. All I wanted to do was to ask how to turn off the nonexistent invisible flashgun that is attached to my camera somewhere in the fourth dimension. Apparently turning on "Continuous" mode in "M-REC" switches on the external flash I don't have because the internal one can't keep up with "M-REC/Continuous". I love this camera, but sometimes trying to figure out how to operate it is like winning "System's Twilight", only hard. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Blind Golfer Out of Special Olympics Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2000 06:45:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com For the Associated Press, Jeff Wilson wrote: > > WESTLAKE VILLAGE, Calif. (AP) -- A legally blind golfer was > barred from competing in a state Special Olympics earlier this > month because he uses a golf cart to cover long distances. Then the head of the Special Olympics said, "If we allowed him, then next year we'd have to permit _cripples_ to compete in the Special Olympics!" > Michael Russell, 37, said the brain tumor that damaged his sight > also affects his endurance and balance. > ``I was quite angry about it. I thought it was quite unfair,'' > Russell said Tuesday from his home about 40 miles north of Los > Angeles. ``It's supposed to be the handicapped Olympics. They act > like we're some kind of All-America, top-shape people.'' > Russell didn't get to compete in the Special Olympics Southern > California games June 18-20 in Long Beach because the organization > doesn't allow golf carts. > ``He plays better than people with two eyes and he's only got > half of one,'' coach and golf partner Bob Sherburne said. If they ever make a feature film out of "Harrison Bergeron", I want there to be a scene where Diana Moon Glampers realizes that some people are completely and totally blind just to turn it into the scariest film ever for Harlan Ellison, who is seriously squeamish about the concept of having his eyes poked out. (What a baby!) And the catchy title Hollywood would slap on it would be "Eyepoker!" (The posters would show some eyeballs playing poker.) And they'd let Jerry Lewis rewrite Kurt Vonnegut, and play all the parts, except that there would be a cameo by L. Ron Hubbard as the guy writing Rodney Dangerfield's term paper on Kurt Vonnegut. > The Special Olympics abides by Professional Golf Association and > United States Golf Association rules banning carts. They maintain > walking is an integral part of the game and carts give players an > unfair advantage. Yeah, the same way that people who drive cars to K-Mart get through the checkout line ten times faster than those of us who walk. Are all golf-related events run by insane idiots? > The rule has been challenged before. The 9th U.S. Circuit Court > in San Francisco in March upheld a lower court ruling that allowed > professional golfer Casey Martin to ride a cart on the PGA Tour. > Martin has a circulatory disorder in his right leg that makes it > painful for him to walk long distances. > Russell would like the same exception. > ``He can walk but he can't walk long distances. He can't walk > nine holes. He just wears out,'' said Pat Russell, Michael's > mother. > Russell began playing the game as a boy and was good enough to > make the Arizona State University golf team. Doctors then > discovered the brain tumor, and he was left nearly sightless after > six surgeries. > James Schmutz, golf manager at Special Olympics Inc. in > Washington, said he didn't know the specifics of the Russell case, > but as a rule such requests are reviewed on a case-by-case basis. ...and then all are denied, on a case-by-case basis. It would sure ruin the Special Olympics if they showed any consideration for people with special needs! I imagine this "golf manager" saying, "You're blind, you have brain cancer, and you have great difficulty walking. It would be cruel to the other players to let you sit down between holes, blindie! Hey, didja let your dog pick out those pants?" ...only with less sensitivity. (What do you have to do to be a "golf manager", other than tell people they aren't allowed to play golf?) > Each region operates according to rules requiring players to > walk, Schmutz said, but it's not unusual for competitors in some > states to use carts. > ``We do want to challenge our athletes to play the sport the way > it was meant to be played. "Like the way we force people to get out of their wheelchairs to run the marathon. We gotta stop coddling these damn handicapped!" > But each case needs to be treated individually,'' Schmutz said. > ``We don't want to encourage people to use carts as a fallback situation.'' "We won't allow falling back on the cart, the gimpy guy has to fall on the _ground_ like nature intended. I'm gonna go push him over right now to check for compliance. And I'll throw things at him to make sure he's really blind." Then he went on to talk about how Christopher Reeve is faking it just for the sympathy. -- K. (THE OBNOXIOUS GUY DID THAT, NOT ME!) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: God Bless America! Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2000 07:10:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Everyone's favorite French news service, l'AFP, wrote: > > Subject: William is not fair game, Britain's media warned > > LONDON, June 28 (AFP) - Britain's press watchdog on Wednesday > warned journalists that Prince William, 18, must not be considered > "fair game" now that he no longer enjoys the legal protection given > to minors. And is now only protected by a thin layer of aluminum foil he wraps around himself under his underpants every morning before he labels last night's jar of urine and stores it under his bed. > "He must absolutely not be fair game," Lord Wakeham, head of the > Press Complaints Commission, said, in a declaration laying out the > ground rules for the media now that the prince has legally become an > adult. What? You mean we can't write about his crack habit or the time he was caught freebasing naked in the listening booth of an Old Navy store? Are we at least allowed to mention his incredibly fake-looking toupee? > "Before anyone suggests otherwise, I am a realist. I do not > believe it possible or desirable to prohibit newspapers entirely > from speculation and reports about young ladies that might > eventually become a more permanent feature of his life," Lord > Wakeham said. Even the young ladies of ages three to seven that he keeps having sex with while rolling around in a big pile of money he made by selling homeless people to dog food factories? > "But I would say this: endless intrusion of the sort we have not > seen for five years and the constant, powerful headlamps of > unwarranted publicity would make his life a misery," he added. Life's hard enough for him what with the fact that everyone he touches gets King's Evil plus what the Elephant Man had plus implosive diarrhea. And the fact that he eats nothing but baby food... by choice. > Wakeham said this sort of treatment would "make his friends' > lives a misery and make it much more difficult for him to forge > proper and meaningful relationships." Such as his whirlwind romance with Bob Hope. We're not even allowed to mention their upcoming secret wedding or take pictures of them mushing the cake into each other's faces. Or the "throw a lawn dart at a commoner" tourney at the reception. > He declared that newspapers should check their facts more > thoroughly and consider the impact that inaccurate stories might > have on the prince. ...who is severely impacted by all defective stories, for instance, after seeing the movie "Battlefield: Earth" ninety-five times he started dressing up as Terl all day. > "He should not have to read about how he is part of a so-called > 'set' that is involved with drugs when he has never been involved > with that 'set'," Wakeham said. We must have pity on poor William while he's addicted to goofballs. (Why do you think they call him His Royal HIGHness?) Remember, nobody mention Prince William's REALLY OBVIOUS GOOFBALL HABIT or you'll go to gaol! > "He should not have to read about family arguments that he is > purported to have had when he has not had them. He should not have > to read about how he is having a relationship with a girl that he > has never met." Wouldn't an easier solution be to pass a law saying that the Prince is no longer REQUIRED TO READ ALL THE TABLOIDS? -- K. Then William could spend more time watching his videotapes of white mice being crushed against an accelerator pedal. P.S. SPECIAL THANKS JOEL HODGSON AND THE AUTHORS OF THE 1ST AMMEDNMINT ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hello! Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2000 07:58:59 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium in alt.sci.physics.new-theories, "ChinaEinstein" wrote: > > I will back and have re viced my idea. Please tell me now you think what? > > Ying and yang are not objects. These are things. > > Things are like things as cat, dope, running shoe. > Ying and yang obvious are not like running shoe. > Therefore ying and yang are not objects. > > Ying and yang are opposites by defnition. > Defnition is a thing. > > THEREFORE, Ying and yang CANNOT exist!!!! > > I completely am opposite from where I once was. GOD doesn't exist therefore. > > Thank you very indeed. > > Xi xi. > Zhong Gua. > > ChinaEinstein > -------------------------- > The new Einstein of China. I wholeheartedly agree with your theory that yin is dope and yang is wack. -- K. But what is sil? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: A sudden realization. Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2000 08:12:34 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I just realized that because I am eating fluorescent orange pudding with a square spoon, I am now living in the distant future. And I will be kind enough to send this message back through time to let you know what your future will be like. Pudding won't improve much throughout the centuries. Also the same stuff will still be on TV, just in a different order. That is all. -- K. It says it's passionfruit pudding but I don't feel any different. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Ideal job Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2000 08:43:48 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > I think I would like a job in one of those consumer testing > organisations. That would be fun. > > "We dropped this iron down the stairs twelve times, and then > it didn't work any more. Poor reliability." But the stairs got a big thumbs-up. > "We hit these porcelain figurines with an eight-pound > sledgehammer. None survived. They are probably too > delicate." But the hammer got a big thumbs-up with a star-shaped smiley. > "To simulate possible party loads, we put 500kg of > sandbags on top of each plastic garden chair. Three > snapped under the load, and the others were all > squashed. We do not recommend you buy any of these > chairs." The sand merely rated as "adequate" because some of the chairs did not shatter into little bits. > "None of the test vehicles were servicable after being > driven into a concrete wall at 100 km/h." However, they passed the test of being driven into a whipped cream wall, a cotton candy wall, and the Wall Of Muppets from "The Blues Brothers". Hey, anyone remember the commercial from about 1983 where they drove a sports car through a mound of shaving cream, then they slowly lowered a fashion model and a scuba diver into it? I STILL WANT TO BE THAT SCUBA DIVER. Unless the fashion model's gotten really old since 1983. > "We poured a variety of liquids into the notebook computers, > such as tomato juice, beer, human blood, fresh water, goat > blood, milk, salt water, molten steel, and cat urine. The > molten steel made the most satisfying sparky explosions. > If you wanted a notebook that you could use inside the > crucible of a steel mill, we don't think it's been invented > yet." > > I would like to be in the "Testing to Destruction Department", > please. A friend (who was the first and as far as I know the only serious Kibologist to have been killed in a major airline disaster) once said that the perfect occupation for me would be owner of a college food service, because I could make money by making people unhappy. He said this while we were eating dinner, in college. I think it was Salisbury Puck night. I just don't want to wind up being one of those guys with eight pounds of Vitalis in his white hair running a pornography store. -- K. But otherwise it would be fun to run a pornography store. "Yeah, I raised the price of that bizarre pervert magazine you like to fifty bucks. And we're the only store that carries it. So pay up or your life will become even more hollow and unfulfilling, schmucko!*" * Not an actual quote.