Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Wow! Sign me up for that! Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2000 06:15:18 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I was shopping for little cases to enclose CompactFlash memory cards (those digital camera storage media slightly smaller than matchbooks) when I came across this honest description of a case which holds two, no, four, no, ten cards: > It holds 2 cards safely, with room for more too. IT HOLDS ONE VERY SAFELY! TWO SAFELY! THREE ONLY SOMEWHAT UNSAFELY! FOUR BECOME LIFE-THREATENING, WITH SOME RISK OF EXPLOSION! IT HOLDS A HUNDRED IF YOU GRIND THEM UP AND THROW 99% OF THE MATTER AWAY! I think I want to buy two of these and put one inside the other... ...and vice versa. Also in terms of digital camera excitement, I had a question about a weird, non-intutive feature of my camera. I would have asked my question on the manufacturer's technical support forum on their Web site, but it said: > Nikon Digital Imaging- Please Switch Frames On > Posting service will resume on June 29th. > > Please note that support for users outside of the USA is not assured. > If you do not provide platform and OS information in your support request > your message will not be released > > Nikon Inc will take legal action against any individual that attempts > to disable or impede the operation of this service, or harass users who > post an email addresses along with the support request. Please report > any harassing e-mail you receive as a result of participating in this > forum to the Webmaster of NikonTechUSA.com > > Please note that your IP number is logged when you post a message in > this forum. > > Please do not send support requests to the Webmaster, you will be > redirected to this area for internet support services > > D1 Postings > All postings for D1 must include the serial number of the camera. Failure > to include the number will result in the question not being posted and > no response to your query. All other products please do not include > serial numbers or service order numbers unless requested. > > Forum Quick Links > > Posting an identical question in multiple threads is considered spamming, > and may result in the deletion of ALL posted messages from the offending > users and removal of the user account. Please be considerate of other > forum users. We make best efforts to respond to messages within 24 hours > from Monday through Friday > > Image attachment service is no longer available > > Your patience is most appreciated as always.-Webmaster > > The Webmaster cannot respond to any technical support inquires. > > [...list of messages...] > > When the number of forum messages is large, posting may be restricted > until all pending questions are replied to. Please do NOT post the > same question multiple times, or in multiple forums. Please check our > TOS for acceptable posts. When the number of forum messages is large, > posting may be restricted until all pending questions are replied to. > Please do NOT post the same question multiple times, or in multiple > forums. Please check our TOS for acceptable posts. I'd like to announce that from now on, these will be the official policies for alt.religion.kibology. You can't post any of the following: (stuff, things, other.) Or pictures. And you can't post your E-mail address. You must include your serial number but not your E-mail address. Also posting is completely disabled too. Please be considerate of other alt.religion.kibology members while you're not allowed to say anything to them. Your patience is assumed to be most appreciated as always because you're not allowed to write to me, nyah. Please do not send mail with questions about this policy because you will be redirected to post your question here where you're not allowed to. Thank you again for your imaginary patience. -- K. All I wanted to do was to ask how to turn off the nonexistent invisible flashgun that is attached to my camera somewhere in the fourth dimension. Apparently turning on "Continuous" mode in "M-REC" switches on the external flash I don't have because the internal one can't keep up with "M-REC/Continuous". I love this camera, but sometimes trying to figure out how to operate it is like winning "System's Twilight", only hard. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Blind Golfer Out of Special Olympics Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2000 06:45:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com For the Associated Press, Jeff Wilson wrote: > > WESTLAKE VILLAGE, Calif. (AP) -- A legally blind golfer was > barred from competing in a state Special Olympics earlier this > month because he uses a golf cart to cover long distances. Then the head of the Special Olympics said, "If we allowed him, then next year we'd have to permit _cripples_ to compete in the Special Olympics!" > Michael Russell, 37, said the brain tumor that damaged his sight > also affects his endurance and balance. > ``I was quite angry about it. I thought it was quite unfair,'' > Russell said Tuesday from his home about 40 miles north of Los > Angeles. ``It's supposed to be the handicapped Olympics. They act > like we're some kind of All-America, top-shape people.'' > Russell didn't get to compete in the Special Olympics Southern > California games June 18-20 in Long Beach because the organization > doesn't allow golf carts. > ``He plays better than people with two eyes and he's only got > half of one,'' coach and golf partner Bob Sherburne said. If they ever make a feature film out of "Harrison Bergeron", I want there to be a scene where Diana Moon Glampers realizes that some people are completely and totally blind just to turn it into the scariest film ever for Harlan Ellison, who is seriously squeamish about the concept of having his eyes poked out. (What a baby!) And the catchy title Hollywood would slap on it would be "Eyepoker!" (The posters would show some eyeballs playing poker.) And they'd let Jerry Lewis rewrite Kurt Vonnegut, and play all the parts, except that there would be a cameo by L. Ron Hubbard as the guy writing Rodney Dangerfield's term paper on Kurt Vonnegut. > The Special Olympics abides by Professional Golf Association and > United States Golf Association rules banning carts. They maintain > walking is an integral part of the game and carts give players an > unfair advantage. Yeah, the same way that people who drive cars to K-Mart get through the checkout line ten times faster than those of us who walk. Are all golf-related events run by insane idiots? > The rule has been challenged before. The 9th U.S. Circuit Court > in San Francisco in March upheld a lower court ruling that allowed > professional golfer Casey Martin to ride a cart on the PGA Tour. > Martin has a circulatory disorder in his right leg that makes it > painful for him to walk long distances. > Russell would like the same exception. > ``He can walk but he can't walk long distances. He can't walk > nine holes. He just wears out,'' said Pat Russell, Michael's > mother. > Russell began playing the game as a boy and was good enough to > make the Arizona State University golf team. Doctors then > discovered the brain tumor, and he was left nearly sightless after > six surgeries. > James Schmutz, golf manager at Special Olympics Inc. in > Washington, said he didn't know the specifics of the Russell case, > but as a rule such requests are reviewed on a case-by-case basis. ...and then all are denied, on a case-by-case basis. It would sure ruin the Special Olympics if they showed any consideration for people with special needs! I imagine this "golf manager" saying, "You're blind, you have brain cancer, and you have great difficulty walking. It would be cruel to the other players to let you sit down between holes, blindie! Hey, didja let your dog pick out those pants?" ...only with less sensitivity. (What do you have to do to be a "golf manager", other than tell people they aren't allowed to play golf?) > Each region operates according to rules requiring players to > walk, Schmutz said, but it's not unusual for competitors in some > states to use carts. > ``We do want to challenge our athletes to play the sport the way > it was meant to be played. "Like the way we force people to get out of their wheelchairs to run the marathon. We gotta stop coddling these damn handicapped!" > But each case needs to be treated individually,'' Schmutz said. > ``We don't want to encourage people to use carts as a fallback situation.'' "We won't allow falling back on the cart, the gimpy guy has to fall on the _ground_ like nature intended. I'm gonna go push him over right now to check for compliance. And I'll throw things at him to make sure he's really blind." Then he went on to talk about how Christopher Reeve is faking it just for the sympathy. -- K. (THE OBNOXIOUS GUY DID THAT, NOT ME!) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: God Bless America! Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2000 07:10:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Everyone's favorite French news service, l'AFP, wrote: > > Subject: William is not fair game, Britain's media warned > > LONDON, June 28 (AFP) - Britain's press watchdog on Wednesday > warned journalists that Prince William, 18, must not be considered > "fair game" now that he no longer enjoys the legal protection given > to minors. And is now only protected by a thin layer of aluminum foil he wraps around himself under his underpants every morning before he labels last night's jar of urine and stores it under his bed. > "He must absolutely not be fair game," Lord Wakeham, head of the > Press Complaints Commission, said, in a declaration laying out the > ground rules for the media now that the prince has legally become an > adult. What? You mean we can't write about his crack habit or the time he was caught freebasing naked in the listening booth of an Old Navy store? Are we at least allowed to mention his incredibly fake-looking toupee? > "Before anyone suggests otherwise, I am a realist. I do not > believe it possible or desirable to prohibit newspapers entirely > from speculation and reports about young ladies that might > eventually become a more permanent feature of his life," Lord > Wakeham said. Even the young ladies of ages three to seven that he keeps having sex with while rolling around in a big pile of money he made by selling homeless people to dog food factories? > "But I would say this: endless intrusion of the sort we have not > seen for five years and the constant, powerful headlamps of > unwarranted publicity would make his life a misery," he added. Life's hard enough for him what with the fact that everyone he touches gets King's Evil plus what the Elephant Man had plus implosive diarrhea. And the fact that he eats nothing but baby food... by choice. > Wakeham said this sort of treatment would "make his friends' > lives a misery and make it much more difficult for him to forge > proper and meaningful relationships." Such as his whirlwind romance with Bob Hope. We're not even allowed to mention their upcoming secret wedding or take pictures of them mushing the cake into each other's faces. Or the "throw a lawn dart at a commoner" tourney at the reception. > He declared that newspapers should check their facts more > thoroughly and consider the impact that inaccurate stories might > have on the prince. ...who is severely impacted by all defective stories, for instance, after seeing the movie "Battlefield: Earth" ninety-five times he started dressing up as Terl all day. > "He should not have to read about how he is part of a so-called > 'set' that is involved with drugs when he has never been involved > with that 'set'," Wakeham said. We must have pity on poor William while he's addicted to goofballs. (Why do you think they call him His Royal HIGHness?) Remember, nobody mention Prince William's REALLY OBVIOUS GOOFBALL HABIT or you'll go to gaol! > "He should not have to read about family arguments that he is > purported to have had when he has not had them. He should not have > to read about how he is having a relationship with a girl that he > has never met." Wouldn't an easier solution be to pass a law saying that the Prince is no longer REQUIRED TO READ ALL THE TABLOIDS? -- K. Then William could spend more time watching his videotapes of white mice being crushed against an accelerator pedal. P.S. SPECIAL THANKS JOEL HODGSON AND THE AUTHORS OF THE 1ST AMMEDNMINT ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hello! Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2000 07:58:59 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium in alt.sci.physics.new-theories, "ChinaEinstein" wrote: > > I will back and have re viced my idea. Please tell me now you think what? > > Ying and yang are not objects. These are things. > > Things are like things as cat, dope, running shoe. > Ying and yang obvious are not like running shoe. > Therefore ying and yang are not objects. > > Ying and yang are opposites by defnition. > Defnition is a thing. > > THEREFORE, Ying and yang CANNOT exist!!!! > > I completely am opposite from where I once was. GOD doesn't exist therefore. > > Thank you very indeed. > > Xi xi. > Zhong Gua. > > ChinaEinstein > -------------------------- > The new Einstein of China. I wholeheartedly agree with your theory that yin is dope and yang is wack. -- K. But what is sil? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: A sudden realization. Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2000 08:12:34 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I just realized that because I am eating fluorescent orange pudding with a square spoon, I am now living in the distant future. And I will be kind enough to send this message back through time to let you know what your future will be like. Pudding won't improve much throughout the centuries. Also the same stuff will still be on TV, just in a different order. That is all. -- K. It says it's passionfruit pudding but I don't feel any different. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Yay! My sinkhole is still alive! Date: Sun, 2 Jul 2000 01:23:24 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com They tried to kill it by paving over it only two months after it opened up, but I'm happy to report that the patch they put over my beloved local sinkhole is sagging and has a three-inch-wide hole in it through which I see bottomless blackness. Apparently they repaired the pit by putting a ready-made pie crust over it and then lightly sprinkling that with asphalt, not by filling in the depth of the hole with a few cubic yards of asphalt or anything. So, stay tuned for important reports as to when it is expected to swallow its first car, and which sorts of orange cones or barrels appear next to it to indicate that the road crews are planning not to repair it again any time soon. -- K. Also, today the Arboretum is filled with little white butterflies which haven't yet soaked up much soot from the air. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My trips to Canada... Date: Mon, 3 Jul 2000 06:42:30 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Carlos May (froggy@starbase.neosoft.com) wrote: > > > > When HappyNet is implemented, you'll be able to click on > > "Ewww." and instantly get a mouth-full of asafoetida. > > What will a "Zoicks!" taste like? An eleventeen-decker double-faced peanut butter and pickle pizza sandwich, which you'll be able to eat by the light of the guy whose whole body is covered with phosphorescent powder which also allows him to fly with the aid of a hologram taped to the front of a flashlight. -- K. Notice I didn't make the obvious remark about an assful of mouthafetida. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: think different Date: Mon, 3 Jul 2000 06:54:27 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > I was looking forward to my trip to the supermarket this afternoon, > hoping for some interesting anecdotes. Alas, it was not to be. > > Well, there was this one guy with an Apple "think different" T-shirt > on, who was pushing his groceries around in a little kiddie shopping > cart. Everyone was trying to avoid looking at him funny. I don't know > why. Seems that he was successfully making everyone around him > uncomfortable. Me, I just wish I had my camera. Now we'll never know what Don Saklad looks like. Unless you were talking about Archimedes Plutonium, in which case we already know what he looks like, just not where he gets his imaginary sources of income. -- K. Was he carrying his iBook? If so, was it the orange kind, the teal kind, or the atoms-drawn-on-it-in- magic-marker kind? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: another item crossed off my things-to-see list. Date: Wed, 5 Jul 2000 06:01:29 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Today I got to see a stealth bomber fly directly over my head. /\ / \ It was 1955 hours local time (that's eight / \ o'clock in your primitive Earth units) and \ \ it had been hot earlier, but now a gentle \ \ fog was lowering. The fog gradient made \ \ the huge delta-winged craft appear a silky / \ gray as it passed overhead, disturbingly /= ( \ quietly for such an enormous weapon of \= ( \ mass destruction. I estimate from its / \\ \ appearance in the fog and its size relative \ // / to the buildings that it was an an altitude /= ( / of one thousand feet, possibly a little \= ( / higher, flying as low and slowly as it \ / could to impress us with its mighty / / silhouette, saying, "I am B-2, the / / mightiest plane of all, bow down before me, / / not before Keith Lockhart and the sissy Pops!" \ / \ / I would love to own one of those planes, \/ with OR without the nuclear payload. -- K. It was heading west, hopefully to nuke Springfield. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: another item crossed off my things-to-see list. Date: Wed, 5 Jul 2000 09:15:28 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Crgre Jvyyneq" (petew@drizzle.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Today I got to see a stealth bomber fly directly over my head. > > TV pitchers do not do justice to how freakin' freaky those > things are in real-life. Fun facts about the B-2: 1. Its tail waggles up and down 100 times a second to keep it stable. (Does YOURS?) 2. Some idiots think it incorporates secret anti-gravity propulsion that we stole from one of those round circular non-angular flying saucers. -> Further commentary, revealing that the government eventually plans -> to release antigravity technology publicly, is provided by Colonel Ware. -> "Apparently this highly controlled military program was used to gain -> experience with 4th-density technology that may transform civil aviation -> after all national leaders choose peace." 3. The F-117A stealth fighter is all angles and flat surfaces -- it's a polyhedron so that radar only bounces back from very, very specific angles. The B2, while it has a polygonal silhouette when seen from above, has a surface which is actually all complex curves which constantly vary in radius, so that radar waves will only be reflected back at you from one tiny spot no matter which side you're facing. 4. Each B-2 costs well over a billion dollars. If I ever get two billion dollars, I will face a hard decision: One B-2 or four billion White Castle burgers. Mmm. I wouldn't mind being the world's first White Castle Billionaire, but I think I'd rather buy the plane and spend my change on just a few million burgers. -- K. Anyone else remember the old propeller-driven "Flying Wing" bomber prototype which showed up (as stock footage) in "War Of The Worlds"? And the remarkably prescient vision of it in "Things To Come"? (In the future, we will have super-powerful airplanes with DOZENS of propellors!) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New weird and dumb dream involving the FBI and lacrosse balls Date: Wed, 5 Jul 2000 07:47:15 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Shiro Akaishi (akaishi@unity.edu) wrote: > > I had a dream where I was standing outside and I saw the space shuttle > painted black shoot down the ship from Terminal Velocity painted white and > then I got chased by an FBI guy and I ended up with my weirdo friends that > I had never met before who are all UFO and spiritual and conspiracy people > and to prove to the FBI guy that I hadn't seen anything I had to prove my > amazing pahswysic powers so I had to hold a lacrosse ball with my navel > while doing weird fakety fake pahswysic sounds and movements and stuff and > then I woke up. > > Okay bye. Night before last I dreamed I went to Japan and I lost my Nikon camera. But fortunately I found it in one of the giant clown pockets in my perfectly normal gray pants. (My favorite pair of slacks are gray at exactly 50% value, so I can wear them with absolutely anything. Yay! I am The Man In The Universal Pants!) But today was the day I saw a stealth bomber (which is invisible to radar because it's painted 110% black) which is 390% cooler than a space shuttle with either white or black on it. Or Matt McIrvin's space shuttle _Performa_ which is translucent teaberry with potato-chip-style ridges for textural enhancement and has a control panel made entirely from melted candy. -- K. Stay tuned for _Speed 6_: Can action hero Anthony Michael Hall wake up from a dream where he'll die if he drops below 50 REM per minute? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New weird and dumb dream involving the FBI and lacrosse balls Date: Wed, 5 Jul 2000 07:51:40 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > I had a dream last night which involved the usual walking-around-in-oddly- > architected-buildings, but which ended -quite- abruptly when I encountered > three men on top of one staircase who were apparently COPS, when one of > them said to me "Wher's yer -car-, boy?". At which I apparently had my > internal temperature drop several degrees, because I immediately opened my > eyes and was -very- warm but was still entangled in sleep paralysis for > several moments afterwards. Well, that's what you get for trying to walk up the Crazy Steps instead of driving on them like everyone else does. The only other route to the top is to ride M.C.Escher's Wonkavator, and you don't want to do that because it features scary midgets with green hair who do cartwheels which end with them going up their own butts. Also they keep singing about Dutch rolling papers. Then they begin beating you up while yelling, "EVERY HIT IS A DOMMELSCH!" (Degree of difficulty: 9.9 McIrvins) -- K. This has nothing to do with the Oranjeboom ads they used to run in that magazine that doesn't have Oprah's picture on the cover of every issue. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: evil public-service announcements (was: Re: !!) Date: Wed, 5 Jul 2000 08:43:13 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > I don't know how to say this without sounding > insensitive. The Game Show Network OW! THAT IS SO INSENSITIVE TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE GAME SHOWS! > keeps showing this public service announcement opposing domestic > violence. It shows a little kid sitting on the > steps listening to his (off-screen) parents having > a shouting match, and the father slaps the mother > and you hear glass breaking. Hey, you got the channel wrong, dude! That one shows during "Gilligan's Island" on Nick At Nite and the 4:05 am "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" reruns from three days ago. (Said reruns also feature an exciting commercial for Eckankar, a cult so bozotic that even Ivan Stang recommends against joining them.) The "don't beat up your wife in front of your horrified toddler" ad plays approximately eight times an hour all night on my channels. So maybe it's possible that they're also showing it on The Game Show Network, but every time _I_ tune in at that time of night they're showing infomercials instead of exciting reruns of "The Price Is Right" from 1975 (does that car's price start with "4" or "5"?) so either The Game Show Network must start pushing that commercial earlier than The Conan Channel or else the infomercials are only on my TV, just to punish me for that time I swiped a crayon from kindergarten. > I'm just sitting there enjoying myself and all of a sudden > this PSA comes on that brings back all those Unhappy Child Chemicals > in my brane that remind me of being a little kid hearing my parents > yelling at each other in the other room. What it always makes me wonder is, how many times did they have to shoot the commercial to get just the right look of Permanent Trauma And Serious Emotional Scarrage on the face of the toddler who is watching Daddy push Mommy's face through the glass of the microwave because all they're having for dinner is pizza and not food men like? He sure flinches and starts breathing rapidly when we hear Daddy whack Mommy with what sounds like the back of his hand. Shouldn't there be a law against making toddlers look terrified just for TV? I don't care what they did to make the kid react (I hope they didn't just have the other two actors beating each other in front of him, I assume they just fired a cap gun in his ear or something) but anything that makes a toddler look fearful is not something that should be done just for an advertisement. (I almost said "propaganda" but then I remembered that here in the United States we don't have state-produced propaganda, we have "public service announcements" for the benefit of humanity.) Who the hell directed this commercial which abused a child to keep me from beating my wife, John B. Watson? (Watson was the guy who trained a baby named "Little Albert" to burst into tears at the sight of men with beards, and then released him to his mommy. He and a co-experimenter tortured the kid for about two months. Excerpts from the 1920 research paper by Watson and Rayner, with my translations into English for those of you who don't speak Sadistwegian:) -> Experimental work had been done so far on only one child, Albert B. "OUR PLANS INVOLVE MAKING ALL THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD SCARED OF EVERYTHING!" -> [...] -> -> At approximately nine months of age we ran him through the -> emotional tests that have become a part of our regular routine -> in determining whether fear reactions can be called out by other -> stimuli than sharp noises and the sudden removal of support. -> [...] In brief, the infant was confronted suddenly and for the -> first time successively with a white rat, a rabbit, a dog, a monkey, -> with masks with and without hair, cotton wool, burning newspapers, etc. "etc." means "flaming upside-down Santa Claus faces that make loud screaming noises". -> [...] -> -> One of the two experimenters caused the child to turn its head -> and fixate her moving hand ; the other stationed back of the child, -> struck the steel bar a sharp blow. The child started violently, -> his breathing was checked and the arms were raised in a characteristic -> manner. On the second stimulation the same thing occurred, and in -> addition the lips began to pucker and tremble. On the third stimulation -> the child broke into a sudden crying fit. This is the first time an -> emotional situation in the laboratory has produced any fear or even -> crying in Albert. "EUREKA! I HAVE DISCOVERED HOW TO MAKE BABIES CRY!" -> [...detailed list of all the times they made him cry...] -> -> 1 Year 21 Days -> -> 1. Santa Claus mask. Withdrawal, gurgling, then slapped at it -> without touching. When his hand was forced to touch it, he whimpered -> and cried. His hand was forced to touch it two more times. He whimpered -> and cried on both tests. He finally cried at the mere visual stimulus -> of the mask. "YOU VILL TOUCH THE DISEMBODIED HEAD OF SANTA CLAUS! THEN YOU VILL READ A BURNING NEWSPAPER!" -> [...and now a bizarre dig at the other psychological paradigm -> which was dominant in those days:] -> -> The Freudians twenty years from now, unless their hypotheses change, -> when they come to analyze Albert's fear of a seal skin coat - assuming -> that he comes to analysis at that age - will probably tease from him -> the recital of a dream which upon their analysis will show that Albert -> at three years of age attempted to play with the pubic hair of the -> mother and was scolded violently for it. "SURE, WE SCREWED THIS KID UP FOR LIFE! BUT NOBODY WILL OTHER KNOW BECAUSE ALL THE OTHER PSYCHIATRISTS IN THE WORLD ARE IDIOTS! THEY'LL JUST THINK HE'S INSANE FOR NO REASON AT ALL, LIKE US!" -- K. ...and then the man in the white coat told me to turn the knob from "Little Albert and the fluffy bunny" past "Zimbardo's prisoner experiment" and "Milgram's obedience experiment" to "XXX SUPER-LETHAL XXX" and Fred Sanford pretended to have a heart attack, but he made it up to me after my nervous breakdown by explaining to me that Fred Sanford was only pretending, and then the experimenter said, "JUST KIDDING! HE WAS ACTUALLY PRETENDING THAT HE WAS ONLY PRETENDING! YOU REALLY DID KILL FRED SANFORD!" and then they made me put on glasses that reversed left and right and told me to drive home. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: evil public-service announcements (was: Re: !!) Date: Wed, 5 Jul 2000 22:54:37 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Bob Flaminio (bob@flaminio.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And Serious Emotional Scarrage on the face of the toddler who is > > watching Daddy push Mommy's face through the glass of the microwave > > because all they're having for dinner is pizza and not food men > like? > > This is where the commercial loses me. If I came home late, and there > was a pizza waiting for me, I'd be, like, "Cool. Pizza." Since our > protagonist does not react in this manner, I have to assume their in > some sort of bizzaro universe, and therefore, it's not real. Yeah, I know. Apparently the angry drunken lout (who is presumed to be shirtless) doesn't want pizza, he wants his wife to cook him a gourmet French repast or something. I don't know. I just don't get it. Also, the wife-beater in the commercial stutters. Just another one of those ways TV helps reveal the shocking truth that ALL PEOPLE WHO HAVE SPEECH IMPEDIMENTS ARE INHERENTLY EVIL!!!! Except for Max Headroom. He's Chaotic Neutral, not Inherent Evil. -- K. "I tried to go up the steps, but I couldn't find them because they were behind some sort of impediment." Does anyone else think that the science museums of our nation should replace their musical staircases with speech impediments? As the kids trod on them they'd say, "ouch Ouch OUCH Ouch ouch" (you can interpret that to mean the kids, if you're the sort of person who likes abusing kids and hates pizza.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: evil public-service announcements (was: Re: !!) Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 02:53:07 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Darla (Darla4695@hfx.eastlink.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Bob Flaminio (bob@flaminio.com) wrote: > > > > > > If I came home late, and there was a pizza waiting for me, I'd be, > > > like, "Cool. Pizza." > > > > Apparently the angry drunken lout doesn't want pizza, he wants his wife > > to cook him a gourmet French repast or something. I don't know. > > I just don't get it. > > That is because neither one of you is married. I am TOO married, you WOMAN!!! I have been married to Juliet Landau for some number of years or decades or something, ask her, she keeps track of the dates and stuff. > At some point in the wedding service, (which point has never actually > been identified, though it seems to cut across all types of services > from standard/church to underwater/bungee jump) a change at the > molecular level is affected in the male. This change renders him > incapable of ever again considering pizza (or take-out Chinese) a > "real" dinner. Of course it isn't! Pizza has CHEESE! Cheese is evil! > Instead, he begins to demand things like pot roast, > and lasagne, served on china plates accompanied by cloth napkins. > *Ironed* cloth napkins. The number and variety of things considered to > be "real" dinners seems to be directly proportional to the culinary > specialties of his sainted mother. Tangent changes include an > inability to pick up and launder clothing, an aversion to attending > social functions at which heavy equipment and/or various types of > balls are not necessary, and complete memory loss as regards the finer > points of foreplay. Fore... play? You mean golf? Now hurry up and cook my dinner! YOU BETTER HAVE A POT ROAST READY BY THE TIME I GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM! -- K. Cheese is for WOMEN! Just like all movies that don't have exploding heads! Except for the ones that have exploding heads filled with CHEESE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Euro 2000 commentators Date: Wed, 5 Jul 2000 09:36:13 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > Heard last night during the Euro 2000 football final game (France > 2 Italy 1 in case you care) > > "It's inevitable that, given the quality of play that these two > teams have demonstrated tonight, one of them will walk away the > winner." > > "If Italy can keep the one-nil lead, they stand a good chance of > winning this game." > > {spoken as a running commentary as a play deteriorated) > "Oh what a BEAUTIFUL pass... that would have been had it worked > out, but unfortunately it was not to be." You also need to compile a list of Dumb Things Said During The Eurovision Song Contest. This morning Channel 5 had an interview with the guy who was organizing this year's July 4th fireworks in Boston. They've switched companies from Grucci (which does 99.9999% of the fireworks in the world) to some other company, and he had a great quote about how what with the proliferation of cable channels and the Internet people are turning to fireworks as the most entertaining form of entertainment, but I didn't get it on tape so I can't quote it for you. This year's big deal was that the fireworks were set to music (which consisted of a tape recorder playing the theme from "Mr. Holland's Opus" and some Dixie Chicks song) which was the first-ever time Boston's fireworks had been set to music. In the past they've just been accompanied by the Boston Pops actually _performing_ music live, which isn't nearly as cool as hearing a tape recorder playing songs from five-year-old movies. And for some reason, the pinhead conducting the orchestra that was performing with New York City's fireworks thought that the classical music needed more Shatnerian pauses in the middle of every crescendo to make it much more dramatic. Really, the guy was sticking in big fat rests in the middle of other people's sheet music. DAMMIT, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO DO THOSE FIREWORKS THE WAY BEETHOVEN SCRIPTED THEM! -- K. In Boston, I like how people cheered at random points during the 1812 Overture because they were rooting for both the French and the Russians. PEOPLE CHEERED THE COMMIES!!! Someday someone else will write another song with cannons in it and they'll play it at every fireworks show. I hope the Spice Girls never get a cannon. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Euro 2000 commentators Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 22:51:35 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > At one of the many Town Day concerts where Samantha plays French horn-- > I think it might have been Malden, Massachusetts; it's all a blur to me > now-- they had fireworks set to a recording of some female pop singer's > version of "The Star Spangled Banner" which had extra verses. > > Not the extra verses written by Francis Scott Key that nobody ever sings. > These were NEW extra verses. They were really painful. Fortunately you > couldn't make them out all that well through the fireworks and the extreme > distortion from the overcranked amps. I think it is alt.religion.kibology's sacred duty to come up with every possible extra verse for our national anthem and copyright them all so that nobody will ever sing them, or at least we'll get some money if they do. Also, we need to come up with every possible "Match Game '76" question to ensure they never make any more episodes of "Match Game '76". It is vital that we prevent people from reviving any more TV shows from the sixties and seventies. I'll start on the "Match Game '76" project by calling dibs on these questions: __________ RAYBURN A ________________ DURIANS ARE DELICIOUS BECAUSE ________________ Note that I am placing those questions in the public domain, but the answers are copyrighted. -- K. "Copyrighted... but STUPID!" -- Farte Johnson, star of "Match-In" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 250,000 bees on the loose in Nova Scotia Date: Wed, 5 Jul 2000 10:13:39 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Simon de Vet (sdevet@istar.ca) found this news story: > > 250,000 bees on the loose in Nova Scotia > > Canadian Press > > Antigonish, N.S. -- An early morning accident along a rural route outside > Antigonish has released thousands of honeybees. > > RCMP say as many as 250,000 bees were set free when the tractor trailer > transporting them Tuesday struck a bridge near Antigonish. > > Police have since closed the stretch of the road near the accident and > are asking residents to stay away. > > They're also urging residents not to panic, because the bees are just > garden-variety and shouldn't pose a threat to anyone. > > Bee experts have been brought to the scene in an attempt to round-up the > wayward insects. Hey! Nova Scotia, stop stealing the plot of my unfinished masterpiece, a slapstick musical comedy farce, modestly titled "BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! THE MOVIE!"! At least wait until I finish filming all six hours of it! It's about twenty-eight big celebrities who take two cars cross-country with thousands of bees that slowly escape from their crates because Humphrey Bogart said they would split two thousand dollars if they delivered the bees to the exact center of the world's largest trapezoid in Santa Vaca. BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! THE MOVIE! STARRING in ALPHABETICAL ORDER Bob Hope Dean Martin Jackie Gleason Charlie Callas Andy Dick Dick van Dyke Orson Welles !!! THE !!! MARX !!! BROTHERS !!! Johnny Carson Rip Taylor ALSO STARRING in ALPHABETICAL ORDER Danny Thomas David Garroway William Holden Ernie Kovacs Lenny Bruce Art Carney Peter Sellers Tennessee Ernie Ford Andy Griffith Harvey Lembeck Earl Holliman Cesar Romero Emil Sitka Ernest Borgnine Joey Adams Harry Langdon Burgess Meredith Trygve Lund Soupy Sales Truman Bradley Se–or Wences Lou Costello Stepin Fetchit with SPECIAL APPEARANCES in ALPHABETICAL ORDER Harold Lloyd Lord Mountbatten Charles Van Doren Ronald Reagan William Frawley Doodles Weaver AND as the WOMEN Judy Garland Shelly Winters Katharine Hepburn Imogene Coca Mae West Spring Buyington and ALSO APPEARING in ALPHABETICAL ORDER Humphrey Bogart I swear on a stack of bee-filled Bibles that you will flee the theater while singing the theme song, which is used in the movie whenever comedy happens! And just wait 'til you see the wacky animated title sequence which is even funnier than the movie! Just imagine how funny this will look: [lyrics to "THEME FROM BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! THE MOVIE!" copyright (C) 2000 James "Kibo" Parry Music Licensing Ltd.] BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! THE MOVIE! BEES! There are BEES! BEES BEES BEES! There are BEES BEES BEES BEES *BOOM* BEES!!! (kazoo solo) BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! You can BEE a FLOWER you can BEE a COWARD You can BEE a HERO or BEE Emp'ror NERO You can BEE a POWER or BEE a lawn-MOWER You can BEE a WEIRDO or BEE Joan MIRO It's a hundred-course dessert for YOU with BEES and PI-ES and BEES and FRI-ES and BEES and PE-AS and BEES and DIS-EASE for YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU! You can BEE a ROBOT you can BEE a HOT SHOT You can BEE a WEEVIL or BEE tot'lly EVIL You can BEE a PARROT you can BEE a CARROT You can BEE a WEINER or BEE a window CLEANER We've a smorgasbord of comedy for YOU with BEES and BE-ANS and BEES and GRE-ENS and BEES and SA-UCE and BEES and FL-OSS BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! You can BEE a PICKLE or BEE a wooden NICKEL You can BEE a GIRAFFE or BEE a fine CARAFE You can BEE a SICKLE or BEE a mere TRICKLE You can BEE a SERAPH or BEE another GIRAFFE We're serving this souffle of BEES with BEES and BA-CON and BEES and POP-CORN and BEES and CHE-EESE and BEES and GRE-EASE BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! THE MOVIE! And this joyous little ditty is played during each of the intermissions: [lyrics to "INTERMISSION FROM BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! THE MOVIE!" copyright (C) 2000 James "Kibo" Parry Music Licensing Ltd.] Now GO to the LOBBY to DO your HOBBY or GO to the POTTY pet YOUR dog SPOTTY BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! THE MOVIE! THE INTERMISSION! (ten-minute kazoo solo) The movie really shifts into high gear once the first bee escapes from the crate, about ninety minutes into it. And wait'll you see what happens when TWO bees get loose! It all builds up to the greatest mayhem ever shown on the silver screen as hundreds of celebrities drive around the desert in a flaming car FILLED WITH BEES! BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES, BEES! THE MOVIE! NOT FOR STEALING! -- K. You can BEE in Nova SCOTIA or BEE in a big exPLOSION Don't MESS with my MOVIE or I'll KILL you in a DOOZY with my BOMB, BOMB, BOMB, BOMB! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: are you prepared for iological warfare? Date: Wed, 5 Jul 2000 21:58:46 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp From "Guidelines for Mass Casualty Decontamination During a Terrorist Chemical Agent Incident", and I swear this is how it looks on my screen: > > Effective physical and medical approaches were identified y review of > over 200 research papers, ooks, articles, manuals, and Internet sites. > Through review and the experience of the MCDRT team mem ers, several > asic decontamination principles were identified. Using these principles > as a asis, decontamination processes were developed to effectively > address operational decontamination of large num ers of people. > > The general principles identified to guide emergency responder policies, > procedures, and actions after a chemical agent incident were: > > * Expect at least a 5:1 ratio of unaffected to affected casualties > * Decontaminate victims as soon as possi le > * Disro ing is decontamination; head to toe, more removal is etter > * Water flushing generally is the est mass decontamination method > * After a known exposure to liquid chemical agent, emergency responders > should e decontaminated as soon as possi le to avoid serious effects. > > To acquire a final consensus for the general principles identified, the > MCDRT conducted several meetings to discuss the findings and resolve any > technical or operational concerns. A panel of experts from the chemical > defense and emergency response communities studied each principle > identified to ensure that they represented the est recommendations that > provide the most enefit to the largest num er of victims in the > shortest possi le time. Oh no! The evil terrorists have used chemical weapons to wipe out all the lowercase bees in the world! Now how will we make honey for our Super Golden Crisp? I should point out that the above document does not contain any military secrets, because on the front page it says > > Approved for Pu[]lic Release; distri[]ution is unlimited with little check-boxes where letters used to b. -- K. "A disadvantage of soap is the need to have an adequate supply on hand." -- section 4.2 "Side effects of inadvertent use of Atropine includes inhi[]ition of sweating, dilation of pupils, dry mouth, decreased secretions, mild sedation, and increased heart rate. The side effects of the inadvertent use of 2-PAM Cl include dizziness, []lurred vision, nausea, and vomiting. These effects are insignificant in a nerve agent casualty." -- appendix B ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: may be fair Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 03:08:44 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Girls and boys who are good the internet is a mess. Why so cranky -- didja get a lump of coal in your download folder? > May be that is good. > > Quinn Inuit does not have the right to talk to me. Quinn Inuit is a bad > person. He is associated with James Parry. Yes, but at least *I* don't associate with James Parry. By the way, Kurt, anyone who mentions "James Parry" in most of his articles is associated with James Parry. And I'm going to charge you royalty fees if you don't stop associating with me against my will. > They abuse people. I would like to know why slime like Quinn Inuit > think they have the right to talk to me. He is more repulsive than > food from dogs. "food FROM dogs"? Dear Archimedes Plutonium, Please stop posting your articles about dogs eating their own poop under a silly pseudonym. > These slimes are dumb. A crockroach knows more than RC. I would like to > know how his IQ could get more low. He is just a dirty little slime who > will fail. 1 virus associated with aids is more important than RC. The > universe would be better with out the dirty little slime. > > I can not stand these repulsive little slimes. They are bad. They are > dumb. They are fools. They make the universe bad. Dirt on the ground > helps the universe. But... Kurt... that dirt on the ground... IS the Universe. > Girls and boys who are good God made these physics groups bad. Most of the > people who write articles are slime. They insult people. They answer > people who insult people. The information is bad. Most of the people > associated with the physics faq are slimes. Most of the people in charge > of sci.physics.research are slimes. Ooh! Ooh! You gotta tell us which people in sci.physics.research aren't slimes! I challenge you to prove that at least one of them is not a slime! > I guess there is some justice. If people want to be dishonest God will > make things go bad for them. People got what they asked for. No we didn't. I don't see any Cherry Pez under my pillow. > 1 law of God is that people get what they ask for. > > There are a lot of weird people associated with these physics groups. They > get more weird because they use the internet to much. They do not talk to > people around them. They need to talk to people on the internet less. It > would probably take them a lot of time to get less weird. You misspelled "wired". > Girls and boys who are good I would like to know why fools tell me I am > wrong about physics. These fools know they are fools. They like being > fools in front of a lot of people. I have 14 year old kids who fail all > classes tell me I do not know what I am talking about. DANCING, SPARKLING, TWIRLING, EXPLODING CLUE BEARS ARE PARACHUTING FROM THE SKY! > I have people who have not ever taken 1 physics class tell me I do not > know what I am talking about. AND THEY'RE WIELDING A NINETY-FOOT-LONG OCCAM'S RAZOR! > The universe would be better with out these fools. > > I can not stand these slimes. I would like to know why God does not kill > these slimes and send them to hell. Maybe God can't take them away while people keep mentioning their names on Usenet. Maybe there's some nut in alt.sci.physics.new-theories who keeps talking about them obsessively so God has to let them live so as not to ruin the continuity of the nut's rantings. -- K. I'm not saying you're a nut. I'm saying you're THE nut. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: spark gap radio Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 03:12:02 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > I am trying to build a spark gap radio for am and fm. I am having trouble > changing waves to send information that a normal radio made these days will > be able to see. That's because your radio is BLIND!!! > A normal radio does not see what I am trying to send. Thank you for any > answers. Once you get your radio to start seeing, don't forget to invent a Xerox machine that listens to paper. -- K. Have you tried making a spark gap radio by eating wintergreen Life Savers while chewing aluminum foil and standing in a puddle of water while rubbing the cat's fur backwards and sticking your tongue into a light socket? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.new-theories From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: spark gap radio Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 23:30:33 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Greg Neill (gneill@netcom.ca) wrote: > > In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, > Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > > > Greg you are a bad person. I think you have a page that is good. If you > > have a page you need to tell people about it. It is important to tell > > people about a page a lot. It is important to tell people what is on a > > page. People can write an article using some of their page. > > I am a bad person. I have a page that is good, but I beat him all the > time. I just *hate it* when he tries to show me up by being good. "He > just asks for it," that's what I say. > > I make my page wear liquid paper instead of clothes. Suddenly I get the feeling you wear a green wool hat while not playing your own instrument! Then you refuse to reunite with the other three guys because you're jealous that all the girls and Gene Roddenberry have the hots for that guy who replaced Charles Manson at the last minute, This has been James Burke for VH-1. Up next, Geraldo opens Davy Jones' locker. > That's what's on my page, liquid paper. Ssh, don't let Kurt catch on that if he ever wants to retract what he wrote, he can just cover his computer screen with a layer of Liquid Paper. > Oh, and Uncle Ben's Converted Rice. I'm still waiting for Uncle Ben's Converted Durians, which would be passed off as blueberries... ...EVIL blueberries! They'd turn back to durians right after you swallowed them whole! Also, the box would show both Uncle Ben and Jar Jar. > I hope this clears things up for you, Kurt. If not, he could cover his whole body with alternating layers of pimple cream and Liquid Paper. And then put on a baggy Tyvek clean-room suit, and a tight Spandex Spider-man suit over that, and then one of the outfits from that "Gilligan's Island" episode where they dip all their clothes in lead to protect themselves from the "piece of meteor" which makes everything age, and then he could roll around in some lard and then some sesame seeds and then cover his whole body with some more layers of pimple cream, Liquid Paper, and beeswax. After first inhaling a jar of Buddy Ebsen's makeup from "The Wizard Of Oz". -- K. Do not cover your ENTIRE body with Liquid Paper. There are certain parts it must NEVER come near. DO NOT PUT LIQUID PAPER WHERE YOUR BATHING SUIT COVERS. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Duh Of The Week Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 04:17:41 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Simon Clark 2000 (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > I spoke to my parents on the phone today. They had just been to > Maplin Electronics to get a cable for some speakers. In a Bargain > Bin they saw a Millennium Countdown Clock! > > Thus ends my Duh Of The Week. Not until someone buys the clock, it doesn't. Maybe it's more work than it's worth for them to throw these things out. For instance, that's the explanation I'm usually offered when I suggest that the Salvation Army store should flush that shelf of "YOUR 1977 AQUARIUS HOROSCOPE" books. Except that in this case they clearly moved it from the coveted by-the-cash-register-impulse-purchase-you're-forced- to-trip-over spot to the Bargain Bin, so they can clearly afford to spend just as much time throwing it out, unless moving it to the Bargain Bin involved making _more_ money -- maybe they raised the price when it went into the Special Bin. Hint: Nothing in the Bargain Bin is a bargain. Also, anything on "special" isn't. And whatever you do, don't buy anything which is "new and improved" until they figure out which of the two it is. -- K. As of Mac OS 9.0, they've added a 64-bit time format which won't break in 2039, because everyone knows people will still be using Mac OS 9.0 in 2039 AD. Note that 64-bit time will work until the year 584,942,419,259 AD, by which time we will have evolved into glowing knots of pure gravity, unless we are all killed by the explosions of those 584-million-year-old Macs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Boston singled out as "well planned" by Austrian Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 04:32:23 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com John Burrage (burrage@iinet.net.munge.au) wrote: > > I meant to send this in ages ago, but anyway, the president of the > Queensland chapter of the Royal Austrian Institute of Architects was > being interviewed on Radio National a couple of months ago. He was > talking about city planning, and then he singled out Boston as an > example of a city with really good design; especially good around the > harbour. I thought "Bloody hell! That's where Kibo lives! And I > thought the entire city had been demolished to make way for a big > tunnel, or something!" > > So, can this be true?? Is Boston a shining example of sound planning? FNO! <-- (pronounced "EFF NO!") Ben Franklin used to complain that the city was laid out by the cows, although I think it was actually laid out by people walking around massive piles of cow flop. The downtown area doesn't have a single right angle in it. Get a piece of safety glass and whack it with a ball-peen hammer. Then study all the little irregular trapezoids that are jammed together. Congratulations! You've just made a map of downtown! Now thread a major highway through it, being sure to make lots of extra zigzags, and add some places where it narrows to one and a half lanes. And it's the only way to get from one side of the glass to the other. Not to mention the rail lines go to either North Station or South Station because they can't figure out how to build a railroad track between two places two miles apart because cows can fit through places trains can't. And then there's the Back Bay, which is a nice regular grid, except that it's built on landfill where squishy water used to be, said squishy water now being a few inches under the nice firm soil on which the incredibly heavy buildings are standing. (Some of them are almost straight. Incidentally, the new Subway around the corner from me is in the first floor of a four-story apartment building which is tilted two degrees to the left.) Also, all the streets have the same six names over and over. Especially the ones which intersect themselves. So anyway, the traffic pattern downtown is messy and congested and irregular and confusing and just plain rotten, but because downtown is jammed into this little peninsula they're having to bulldoze all of it so that they can rebuild it properly (it's like when you have to mess up the well-organized half of your Rubik's Cube to be able to solve the rest of it, except that no part of Boston is well-organized) because the only conceivable purpose of all these twisty little streets is to confound invading armies, as if anyone would ever want to invade a city shaped like a negative image of cow flop. As far as the harbor goes, there's a pyramid standing in the middle of it, with giant link sausages floating around it. Plus some jellyfish slowly dissolving in the oil spill. The best architectural detail in Boston is all the perpetually-flaming gas street lamps on Beacon Hill, which are just there so that the whole neighborhood will catch fire simultaneously when the settling of the Back Bay triggers an earthquake. -- K. I like the city, but I don't see why Australian architects would, unless Australian architects are bigger bozos than REGULAR architects! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Strange Doin's (Was: Happy 50th Birthday A. Plutonium!) Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 04:44:43 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) sent Archie Plutonium a birthday card: > > > > > > Happy birthday, from all of us to all of Pu! ATOM! > > > > > > Joe Manfre Gary Williams > > > Mark Hill Stephen Will Tanner > > > Schwa Love Carlos "Froggy" May > > > Ricky Morse Simon Clark 2000 > > > The Avocado Avenger Quinn Inuit > > > Beable van Polasm Chris Day > > > Mortis Michael Slone > > > Luke Breinig Peter Willard > > > Glenn Knickerbocker b r e t t > > > William "Passenger Pigeon" Burke Jorn Barger > > > Ben Wolfson Andrew C . Bul+hac?k The Avocado Avenger (stacia123@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > I was going to say you forgot to label this ragtag bunch of > > Kibologists appropriately (as "The Not Ready For Prime Time Usenet > > Players" or something), until I realized that there is only one ARKchyk > > on this list. And I think it's me! How are we going to get a decent > > SNL parody out of this bunch? > > What a strange list. I think a few more oldbies could have gotten off > > their high horses and wished Archie a happy birthday! Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > What really happened is not that Stacia thought that > it was mean that some of the old-timers didn't join the > list. Instead, she was mad that she was the only person > on the list who is COOL and not a NERD! > > It's kind of like, she sits at the COOL TABLE in the > ARK Cafeteria most of the time, and this time she > accidentally sat down at the NERDS TABLE, so she had to > try to save face by bad-mouthing all the NERDS OF ARK. > > Now that I have explained this all away, I'm sure everyone > will sleep easier! I should point out that the reason I didn't put my name on Archie's birthday card is that I want to see if he begins raving about how KIBO MUST BE BEHIND THIS BECAUSE HIS NAME ISN'T ON IT!!!! -- K. Also, my .signature didn't fit on the card. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.bio.botany,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: inform sour cherry seeds 22JUN00 Physics Prairie Home Companion Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 05:30:17 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In sci.bio.botany and sci.agriculture, Archimedes Plutonium (plutonium_archimedes@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > > > Would someone inform me as to whether sour cherry seeds need a > > > winterization period before they sprout or will they sprout as they > > > come off of the tree as I put them in a can of water?? > > > Someone please tell me the best way to sprout sour cherry seed. Jerry D. Hodo (ECHOSYN@webtv.net) wrote: > > > > #1 Cut out the crappy off-topic hyperbole. > > #2 Eat the seeds. > > #3 Pass the seeds. > > #4 Plant the seeds. Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Sour cherry seeds will not sprout unless passed through a animal > stomach? No, they won't sprout unless passed through a lunatic's stomach. It's always great to see that the King Of Science is not above allowing himself to act like a total bozo while not noticing he's being zinged. Jerry, I'm awarding you Double Bonus Points for this exchange. However, I think you need to draw Archie a diagram... -- K. I'm going to mail this article to WebTV Inc. and suggest that they show it in their advertising of how the WebTV can be used to entertain millions of people. WEBTV. THE POWER TO ZING ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: England's most important State Secret revealed at last! Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 06:17:35 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com MI5 has a Web site. I think it's even in one of those parts of the Internet that the Commies are allowed to look at (with their steam-powered computers.) It contains this security leak: -> The colour of the carpet -> -> Members and former members of the Security Service are prohibited by -> section 1 of the Official Secrets Act 1989 from disclosing without lawful -> authority information relating to security or intelligence which came into -> their possession while in the Service. -> -> It is clearly important that security and intelligence information is -> protected from unauthorised disclosure. But section 1 is sometimes -> criticised as prohibiting disclosures even about such matters as the -> colour of the Thames House carpets and the menu in the staff restaurant. -> These criticisms are misguided: such matters do not fall within the scope -> of the Act. It is therefore not an offence for a member of the Service to -> disclose that the Thames House carpets are blue, or that the staff -> restaurant serves a particularly good Chicken Madras! However, the U.S. Senate cafeteria's "famous" bean soup tastes a lot like Campbell's canned reboiled beige bean soup. -- K. ...although it is actually a competing brand which costs more. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lots42's Second First Day At Blockbuster Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 23:13:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [Lots42 has fallen off the wagon and taken ANOTHER job at Blockbuster.] "And knowing is half the battle." (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > My day at Blockbuster: > > The Good Bits. > 1) I knew most of this training stuff already. So it wasn't as if I had > to pay that much attention. Blockbuster employees are trained now? "This is how you button the dorky blue shirt... if you become aware people have been teasing you by dropping things into the pocket on the small of your back for six hours, it means you put it on backwards." > 2) The producers of the training videos really tried to make them > entertaining. And that's what makes them painful to watch. > 3) The four other new people I was with were really fun to hang around with. > Only one is going to my store (we train at a different store). > And she's a babe. (Groan, I know). So let her know how you feel. Point to a copy of "Babe" and yell, "THIS IS YOU!" Just be sure it's a copy of "Babe" with the rubber pig and not "The Babe" with John Goodman because you don't want her to think you're calling her FAT. > 4) They have gobs of cool previously viewed tapes for sale. I've said it before, I'll say it again: The only good thing about Blockbuster is that they take over lots of video stores that predate enormous chains video stores, little ones that have lots of those weird tapes that were released in the mid-'80s (in longboxes) and were never minted again because after about 1985 people decided to only mass-produce tapes they thought normal people would want, but when Blockbuster absorbs one of these stores they have to ditch all these cool old weird tapes because Blockbuster is only allowed to rent certain items which are approved by corporate management. So they're allowed to _sell_ "Video Wars" and "Phenomenal And The Curse Of Tutankhamun" and "For The Love Of It" with Jeff Conaway, just not rent them, and this is how I got the majority of my collection of really bad movies nobody ever even tried to watch. > 5) One can actually drink out of the waterfountain. The one out in the little garden? > 6) The two hour-long tapes full of ads that run on the store's TVs > are kept low. I like that they have two hours of ads because they know that the average consumer spends at LEAST ninety minutes in the store whenever they come in. (All the movies in the store are 93 minutes, but the ads are 120?) > 7) Both stores carry a cool selection of entertainment-themed magazines. Those are ones which don't contain ACTUAL entertainment, just an entertainment THEME. > 8) They did not fault for me for number 1 of the next section. Well, of course not, you haven't posted it yet! > The Bad Bits: > 1) Wendys. I went there for break. Bad idea. I spent fifteen minutes > in the bathroom. Then I was barely able to stand for the last hour. > Then I spent the night (at home) bazooka barfing into the sink. > Adam, one of the trainees, was a manager at Wendys, though, and I > discussed what I had to eat with him. He didn't find anything wrong... > I think I just had ended up with the flu. Maybe you should stop drinking out of that birdba^H^H^H^H^H^Hfountain. > 2) The bathrooms are kept locked. Fortunately the training manager kept > the key with her at all times. Even while you're in there? You mean they lock you IN? What is this, The Backwards Werner Erhard Zone? > The Ugly Bits: > 1) The training was much more extensive and such than what I got at the > other store. I didn't even know we had a customer accident policy. > (Call 911, stay with the customer, don't move them, don't admit guilt). That policy is a bad idea if you allow elderly people into the store: OH! OH! I JUST READ THE BACK OF THE BOX OF "BABY GENIUSES"! IT MADE ME HAVE AN ACCIDENT! IN MY PANTS! NOW YOU HAVE TO STAY WITH ME AND NOT MOVE ME! LET ME SHOW YOU THESE HUNDREDS OF PHOTOS OF MY GRANDCHILDREN! Fortunately, I don't think Blockbuster allows elderly people in. I mean, *I* got kicked out of a Blockbuster for complaining that they ripped me off, so imagine how they feel about elderly people, who complain all day. And show you pictures of their grandchildren. THEY NEVER HAVE CHILDREN! JUST GRANDCHILDREN! -- K. So does your new Blockbuster have the usual dispute-resolution policy, involving the guy in the fake cop uniform, and the manager who explains that it's your fault for not filing a change-of- address form with Blockbuster AFTER you returned the tape and moved out of the area? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.plutonium From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ¯W MY BRAN3!!!111!!1 Date: Fri, 7 Jul 2000 01:52:16 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > On a related note, I just learned from "Hollywood Squares" > that 4% of American women do not wear underpants. Now > *that* is gross!! I bet one of them is that CHYK that > birthday boy Archimedes Plutonium saw when he was in college, > the one with the icky brown stain visible through the seat > of her tight white pants. > > Kibo will now pull up the relevant quote from Archie's > autobiography and post it so I don't have to bother. I didn't remember the one about him staring at someone else's poop, just the one where he ate his own poop, and the one where he watched dogs eat their poop and asked whether people eat their own poop, and the one where he peed the bed during sex. So I searched for quotes involving poo-poo, pee-pee, and/or sex-sex. Which are rather interchangeable in Archie's twisted little mind. Little did I know that the one you were referring to, about him looking at the heinie of a poopy woman, segued right from poop to _durians_! (While reading these, remember that he uses his own calendar, in which he's 1940 years behind us.) /////// the wit and wisdom of Archimedes Plutonium on sex and poop /////// > Malaysia was a totally different experience to me. Everything > of my habits had to change. I guess that is why I later liked > traveling so much. That so many of my previous habits were called into > question. The first habit which I had to change was my toilet habits > for I quickly discovered that in Malay custom there is no toilet paper > and so one of the hands is used with water. Thus it is very bad to use > the hand-for-the-toilet for other purposes such as shaking hands or > eating food from. And I thought what a strange custom, but is it in > any way better then my custom of Western culture in the use of toilet > paper. And I came to the conclusion that yes in a way it was better > for how can dry toilet paper really clean well? So from that day > forward I combined the best of two cultures and have since used the > most superior method of toileting. I use toilet paper but I alternate > with wet toilet paper and dry toilet paper so that I am really clean. > I had remembered back to my days at UC a fine shapely female wearing > tight white slacks but then I saw something repulsive, that because the > slacks were white and so tight fitting that there was a large brown > spot and it was highly visible. > In Malaysia, I remember eating sacks of peanuts which were so much > better than anything at home. They were smaller peanuts and after about > eating 30 of them I would get this one peanut that was so strong and > rich in flavor that these were the greatest peanuts in the world. I > would eat these peanuts at every chance to find that one out of 30. I > loved the eating shops in Malaysia with lime water and curry rice and > spicy rice, and chapati. Tangerines and pineapples were great. > I remember other volunteers tried to get me to eat durian. They saw > what kind of a fruit lover I was. I never even bothered to try durian, > for I was not going to spend good money on some experimental fruit > tasting. By then I had figured that I had already found the best foods > in the world and I was not going to spend good money on experimental > foods. That the probability of durian tasting better than a tangerine > was slim, for I figured all the best foods were the ones most readily > available and known and if durian was so good than I would have already > discovered it before then. I believe I have never sampled durian, even > now into 0052. -- "Ludwig Plutonium: The Chosen One", pages 152-153 > If you construct a tough plastic shell with the butt area cut out to > poop, but the leg ankles such that it is hard to get free unless you > cut off the feet, then this straight-jacket will hold the individual. > And if the prisoner does not have own family to take care of him/her > drop them off on an island, tropical island and go make a living. -- Archimedes Plutonium, February 1998 > On the 4th of July in Hanover, we had a horse drawn carriage parade and > the horses left a-lot of poop in the middle of the road. Two fraternity > dogs came over and started smelling and then eating. They took their > time about it and several cars had to stop and honk to get them to > move. Several coeds were disgusted of the dogs. > > Has anyone done a biological research on the eating of poop by > various animals? > > Does anyone know if humans ever, or still do, ate the poop of any > other living creature, knowingly and willingly? -- Archimedes Plutonium, July 1998 > A TRIBUTE TO MY MOTHER, JOHANNA POEHLMANN: I remember vivid scenes of > my past with my mother, the first recollection of my mother, and the > first conscious recollection that I was alive was in the crib, I was > hungry and wanted something to eat and so I was eating this soft stuff > and I could hear my mothers voice differently, a harsh tone now, and I > saw her arms flinging around and she was making a fuss and later in my > youth I asked her about this scene and she confirmed to me that I had > eaten my own poop. -- first paragraph of "Ludwig Plutonium: The Chosen One" > So, if my theory is true, would mean some bucks to me in the ways of > patenting a sex barometer thermometer measuring devices. -- Archimedes Plutonium, June 1998 > I should check into this some more. I believe I will have to research > hormones. And whether there are any hormonal fluids exchanged during > sex. Of course there is male ejection into female. But is there any > female ejection into male during coitus? I would think very much so > because I hear of these sex transmitted diseases from female into male. -- Archimedes Plutonium, June 1998 > At the age of 15, I realized my sex drive for females. And I would > have this pleasurable sensation with my organs when in bed under the > feather blanket. The hormones flowed and in school when I > eyed a girl who I liked, the moment she eyed back or if any girl was > overly friendly to me suggesting that she liked me-- in that very > instant of time I liked her for sex purposes. But I disliked her and > would make sure I would not be near her, especially at recess or > lunchtime. -- "Ludwig Plutonium: The Chosen One", pages 84-85 > One day I went over to paint an apartment for S&H Investments and was > painting the bedroom of a tenant. She was very attractive and about 5 > years older than me. Her husband was probably not showing her enough > attention. She wanted her apartment painted, and I was on a stepladder > in the bedroom when she came in to get something under the bed. I > guessed it was her slippers. She was wearing a short skirt and when she > scooted herself out from under the bed it pulled her skirt all the way > up that she was stark naked in front of my eyes. The sight of her was > beautiful, the sight of a nude women, but the biggest thing that raced > through my mind was that I would be in big trouble, rape, and her > husband would come through the door any moment. Or that, she and her > husband were setting me up. I pretended I saw nothing. I was scared it > was a frame-up because she and her husband knew my father owned the > apartments. As the years went by I said to myself I should have, seeing > the image of this naked woman, but I quickly came back to the same > feeling that I am glad I did not. Pleasure sex is meaningless, there > is nothing of good to show for it afterwards. Pleasure sex has no more > permanence then which direction the wind is blowing. Later, while > going to Utah State University out West, I often told people that the > girls on the East coast were more aggressive, all because of these > incidents. I think in a sense it is true because on the East coast > there are more people per unit area and so the females feel that they > need to be more aggressive. -- "Ludwig Plutonium: The Chosen One", page 136 > My mind was on her, not the movie, as I was touching her, exploring > her body. She allowed me and encouraged me, and kissing her. And after > the movie I went with her to her cabin outside of town and I slept > with her. My first sex; it was fun. > But to this day I do not know if I, the dog, or her, were to blame for > an accident. For the next morning the middle of the bed smelled wet > with piss. Someone had pissed in the middle of the bed. I was trying > to think if I had ever bed wetted before. Did her big dog jump onto > the bed out of jealousy and urinate between us to mark out his > territory? Or did she bed wet? Maybe I did? What a mystery, perhaps I > had done it? Maybe it was me, because this was my first sex experience. > It does not matter much now, it is all past history. -- "Ludwig Plutonium: The Chosen One", page 138 > I concluded that a relationship was only worth it if she is good > enough to marry. Otherwise do not even bother to start anything. Only > if I think she would make a good wife do I even care to start anything. > And only if she is wife potential do I even want to ask her out for a > date. Pleasure sex is a waste of time. Procreation sex, marriage sex > is worthwhile. Pleasure sex is virtually meaningless. It has no more > lasting meaning then relieving oneself of feces, and that is a > pleasurable relieve also, especially if it keeps you from falling > asleep. Rolling around in bed, do I really have to go to the > toilet? Sleeping with a girl who I do not love is worst than trying to > get to sleep but I can not because I have the "feeling of defecating". > At Signal my opinion of women changed for the worse, a callous, harsh > view. -- "Ludwig Plutonium: The Chosen One", pages 226-227 > I reckoned that a female who charged > a male $100. a night to sleep, was a $100. whore. > A female who charged nothing was > a zero dollar whore. > With the comical wish that her man will be honorable after the many > free sex acts. > At least the $100. variety had $100. worth of brains upstairs. The > penniless variety had no brains upstairs > but had it all between her legs. -- "Ludwig Plutonium: The Chosen One", page 227 > I could not dream of a better world then if all men were gay except me, > leaving all the females to me. -- Ludwig Plutonium, January 1994 /////// end wit and wisdom of Archimedes Plutonium on sex and poop /////// So you see, Archie (aka Ludwig) has thought seriously about poo-poo and wee-wee and sex and how they interrelate. He has thought about these matters often, usually while typing at us. Also he hates all women but wants them all to himself. Even the one who pooped herself while he was busy not eating durians. -- K. Now you know why he abbreviates his name "Pu". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Alternative final episode of "The Bob Newhart Show" Date: Fri, 7 Jul 2000 02:02:02 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > I don't know whether there really was one, mind you. What I _do_ know > is I dreamed of one the other night. It might be summarized, TV Guide > fashion, kinda like this: > > > "Bob (Bob Newhart) defies the wishes of Emily (Suzanne Pleshette) and > breaks out his model train set, then begins to make mysterious > modifications to it. When Howard (Bill Daily) tries to lend a hand, > Bob reels off a slew of profanities at him. At last Bob finishes his work, > which includes installing a small seat on top of the locomotive capable > of supporting his weight. Ignoring an urgent phone call from Jerry > (Peter Bonerz), Bob pushes the transformer switch to the right until > it reads 'full power,' and in the final shot we see him riding the train > at top speed toward his living room wall. Mr. Peterson: John Fiedler. > Mr. Carlin: Jack C. Riley. Funny janitor: Roger C. Carmel." > > > Sadly, there was apparently no role in this episode for Carol > (Marcia Wallace), Dr. Tupperman (Larry Gelman) or Mrs. Bakerman > (Florida Friebus). It's a good thing that your dream -- about the Freudian psychoanalyst riding a little train while Mister Bonerz watches -- reveals nothing whatsoever about your inner life. Also you got sloppy, you let one of the three women sneak into your dream world. -- K. The he got hit on the head with a golf ball but it didn't kill him, it just made his cheeks develop weird swollen purple bulges.