Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: evil public-service announcements (was: Re: !!) Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 02:53:07 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Darla (Darla4695@hfx.eastlink.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Bob Flaminio (bob@flaminio.com) wrote: > > > > > > If I came home late, and there was a pizza waiting for me, I'd be, > > > like, "Cool. Pizza." > > > > Apparently the angry drunken lout doesn't want pizza, he wants his wife > > to cook him a gourmet French repast or something. I don't know. > > I just don't get it. > > That is because neither one of you is married. I am TOO married, you WOMAN!!! I have been married to Juliet Landau for some number of years or decades or something, ask her, she keeps track of the dates and stuff. > At some point in the wedding service, (which point has never actually > been identified, though it seems to cut across all types of services > from standard/church to underwater/bungee jump) a change at the > molecular level is affected in the male. This change renders him > incapable of ever again considering pizza (or take-out Chinese) a > "real" dinner. Of course it isn't! Pizza has CHEESE! Cheese is evil! > Instead, he begins to demand things like pot roast, > and lasagne, served on china plates accompanied by cloth napkins. > *Ironed* cloth napkins. The number and variety of things considered to > be "real" dinners seems to be directly proportional to the culinary > specialties of his sainted mother. Tangent changes include an > inability to pick up and launder clothing, an aversion to attending > social functions at which heavy equipment and/or various types of > balls are not necessary, and complete memory loss as regards the finer > points of foreplay. Fore... play? You mean golf? Now hurry up and cook my dinner! YOU BETTER HAVE A POT ROAST READY BY THE TIME I GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM! -- K. Cheese is for WOMEN! Just like all movies that don't have exploding heads! Except for the ones that have exploding heads filled with CHEESE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: may be fair Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 03:08:44 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Girls and boys who are good the internet is a mess. Why so cranky -- didja get a lump of coal in your download folder? > May be that is good. > > Quinn Inuit does not have the right to talk to me. Quinn Inuit is a bad > person. He is associated with James Parry. Yes, but at least *I* don't associate with James Parry. By the way, Kurt, anyone who mentions "James Parry" in most of his articles is associated with James Parry. And I'm going to charge you royalty fees if you don't stop associating with me against my will. > They abuse people. I would like to know why slime like Quinn Inuit > think they have the right to talk to me. He is more repulsive than > food from dogs. "food FROM dogs"? Dear Archimedes Plutonium, Please stop posting your articles about dogs eating their own poop under a silly pseudonym. > These slimes are dumb. A crockroach knows more than RC. I would like to > know how his IQ could get more low. He is just a dirty little slime who > will fail. 1 virus associated with aids is more important than RC. The > universe would be better with out the dirty little slime. > > I can not stand these repulsive little slimes. They are bad. They are > dumb. They are fools. They make the universe bad. Dirt on the ground > helps the universe. But... Kurt... that dirt on the ground... IS the Universe. > Girls and boys who are good God made these physics groups bad. Most of the > people who write articles are slime. They insult people. They answer > people who insult people. The information is bad. Most of the people > associated with the physics faq are slimes. Most of the people in charge > of sci.physics.research are slimes. Ooh! Ooh! You gotta tell us which people in sci.physics.research aren't slimes! I challenge you to prove that at least one of them is not a slime! > I guess there is some justice. If people want to be dishonest God will > make things go bad for them. People got what they asked for. No we didn't. I don't see any Cherry Pez under my pillow. > 1 law of God is that people get what they ask for. > > There are a lot of weird people associated with these physics groups. They > get more weird because they use the internet to much. They do not talk to > people around them. They need to talk to people on the internet less. It > would probably take them a lot of time to get less weird. You misspelled "wired". > Girls and boys who are good I would like to know why fools tell me I am > wrong about physics. These fools know they are fools. They like being > fools in front of a lot of people. I have 14 year old kids who fail all > classes tell me I do not know what I am talking about. DANCING, SPARKLING, TWIRLING, EXPLODING CLUE BEARS ARE PARACHUTING FROM THE SKY! > I have people who have not ever taken 1 physics class tell me I do not > know what I am talking about. AND THEY'RE WIELDING A NINETY-FOOT-LONG OCCAM'S RAZOR! > The universe would be better with out these fools. > > I can not stand these slimes. I would like to know why God does not kill > these slimes and send them to hell. Maybe God can't take them away while people keep mentioning their names on Usenet. Maybe there's some nut in alt.sci.physics.new-theories who keeps talking about them obsessively so God has to let them live so as not to ruin the continuity of the nut's rantings. -- K. I'm not saying you're a nut. I'm saying you're THE nut. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: spark gap radio Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 03:12:02 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > I am trying to build a spark gap radio for am and fm. I am having trouble > changing waves to send information that a normal radio made these days will > be able to see. That's because your radio is BLIND!!! > A normal radio does not see what I am trying to send. Thank you for any > answers. Once you get your radio to start seeing, don't forget to invent a Xerox machine that listens to paper. -- K. Have you tried making a spark gap radio by eating wintergreen Life Savers while chewing aluminum foil and standing in a puddle of water while rubbing the cat's fur backwards and sticking your tongue into a light socket? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.new-theories From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: spark gap radio Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 23:30:33 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Greg Neill (gneill@netcom.ca) wrote: > > In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, > Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > > > Greg you are a bad person. I think you have a page that is good. If you > > have a page you need to tell people about it. It is important to tell > > people about a page a lot. It is important to tell people what is on a > > page. People can write an article using some of their page. > > I am a bad person. I have a page that is good, but I beat him all the > time. I just *hate it* when he tries to show me up by being good. "He > just asks for it," that's what I say. > > I make my page wear liquid paper instead of clothes. Suddenly I get the feeling you wear a green wool hat while not playing your own instrument! Then you refuse to reunite with the other three guys because you're jealous that all the girls and Gene Roddenberry have the hots for that guy who replaced Charles Manson at the last minute, This has been James Burke for VH-1. Up next, Geraldo opens Davy Jones' locker. > That's what's on my page, liquid paper. Ssh, don't let Kurt catch on that if he ever wants to retract what he wrote, he can just cover his computer screen with a layer of Liquid Paper. > Oh, and Uncle Ben's Converted Rice. I'm still waiting for Uncle Ben's Converted Durians, which would be passed off as blueberries... ...EVIL blueberries! They'd turn back to durians right after you swallowed them whole! Also, the box would show both Uncle Ben and Jar Jar. > I hope this clears things up for you, Kurt. If not, he could cover his whole body with alternating layers of pimple cream and Liquid Paper. And then put on a baggy Tyvek clean-room suit, and a tight Spandex Spider-man suit over that, and then one of the outfits from that "Gilligan's Island" episode where they dip all their clothes in lead to protect themselves from the "piece of meteor" which makes everything age, and then he could roll around in some lard and then some sesame seeds and then cover his whole body with some more layers of pimple cream, Liquid Paper, and beeswax. After first inhaling a jar of Buddy Ebsen's makeup from "The Wizard Of Oz". -- K. Do not cover your ENTIRE body with Liquid Paper. There are certain parts it must NEVER come near. DO NOT PUT LIQUID PAPER WHERE YOUR BATHING SUIT COVERS. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: spark gap radio Date: Mon, 10 Jul 2000 20:22:16 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Greg if I had a time machine I would be happy. I would go back and fix all > my mistakes. I have always been kind of nice but I have made many > mistakes. I was not fair to some people. Those things will haunt me > forever even if some of them or all of them were small. God sends > punishment to me all the time. > > I would change all the dumb things I have done. I can not even tell girls > and boys a lot of the dumb things I have done. I would be happy to change > those things. > > I would not ever take a physics class. I would not ever learn any thing > about physics. > > These are just some of the things I would change. > > IT WOULD TAKE ME AN ALMOST INFINITE AMOUNT OF TIME TO TELL ABOUT ALL THE > DUMB THINGS I HAVE DONE CUT TO: John Williams conducting a 1,024-piece orchestra playing the Clue Music. -- K. FADE TO STUPID. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Duh Of The Week Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 04:17:41 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Simon Clark 2000 (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > I spoke to my parents on the phone today. They had just been to > Maplin Electronics to get a cable for some speakers. In a Bargain > Bin they saw a Millennium Countdown Clock! > > Thus ends my Duh Of The Week. Not until someone buys the clock, it doesn't. Maybe it's more work than it's worth for them to throw these things out. For instance, that's the explanation I'm usually offered when I suggest that the Salvation Army store should flush that shelf of "YOUR 1977 AQUARIUS HOROSCOPE" books. Except that in this case they clearly moved it from the coveted by-the-cash-register-impulse-purchase-you're-forced- to-trip-over spot to the Bargain Bin, so they can clearly afford to spend just as much time throwing it out, unless moving it to the Bargain Bin involved making _more_ money -- maybe they raised the price when it went into the Special Bin. Hint: Nothing in the Bargain Bin is a bargain. Also, anything on "special" isn't. And whatever you do, don't buy anything which is "new and improved" until they figure out which of the two it is. -- K. As of Mac OS 9.0, they've added a 64-bit time format which won't break in 2039, because everyone knows people will still be using Mac OS 9.0 in 2039 AD. Note that 64-bit time will work until the year 584,942,419,259 AD, by which time we will have evolved into glowing knots of pure gravity, unless we are all killed by the explosions of those 584-million-year-old Macs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Boston singled out as "well planned" by Austrian Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 04:32:23 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com John Burrage (burrage@iinet.net.munge.au) wrote: > > I meant to send this in ages ago, but anyway, the president of the > Queensland chapter of the Royal Austrian Institute of Architects was > being interviewed on Radio National a couple of months ago. He was > talking about city planning, and then he singled out Boston as an > example of a city with really good design; especially good around the > harbour. I thought "Bloody hell! That's where Kibo lives! And I > thought the entire city had been demolished to make way for a big > tunnel, or something!" > > So, can this be true?? Is Boston a shining example of sound planning? FNO! <-- (pronounced "EFF NO!") Ben Franklin used to complain that the city was laid out by the cows, although I think it was actually laid out by people walking around massive piles of cow flop. The downtown area doesn't have a single right angle in it. Get a piece of safety glass and whack it with a ball-peen hammer. Then study all the little irregular trapezoids that are jammed together. Congratulations! You've just made a map of downtown! Now thread a major highway through it, being sure to make lots of extra zigzags, and add some places where it narrows to one and a half lanes. And it's the only way to get from one side of the glass to the other. Not to mention the rail lines go to either North Station or South Station because they can't figure out how to build a railroad track between two places two miles apart because cows can fit through places trains can't. And then there's the Back Bay, which is a nice regular grid, except that it's built on landfill where squishy water used to be, said squishy water now being a few inches under the nice firm soil on which the incredibly heavy buildings are standing. (Some of them are almost straight. Incidentally, the new Subway around the corner from me is in the first floor of a four-story apartment building which is tilted two degrees to the left.) Also, all the streets have the same six names over and over. Especially the ones which intersect themselves. So anyway, the traffic pattern downtown is messy and congested and irregular and confusing and just plain rotten, but because downtown is jammed into this little peninsula they're having to bulldoze all of it so that they can rebuild it properly (it's like when you have to mess up the well-organized half of your Rubik's Cube to be able to solve the rest of it, except that no part of Boston is well-organized) because the only conceivable purpose of all these twisty little streets is to confound invading armies, as if anyone would ever want to invade a city shaped like a negative image of cow flop. As far as the harbor goes, there's a pyramid standing in the middle of it, with giant link sausages floating around it. Plus some jellyfish slowly dissolving in the oil spill. The best architectural detail in Boston is all the perpetually-flaming gas street lamps on Beacon Hill, which are just there so that the whole neighborhood will catch fire simultaneously when the settling of the Back Bay triggers an earthquake. -- K. I like the city, but I don't see why Australian architects would, unless Australian architects are bigger bozos than REGULAR architects! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Strange Doin's (Was: Happy 50th Birthday A. Plutonium!) Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 04:44:43 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) sent Archie Plutonium a birthday card: > > > > > > Happy birthday, from all of us to all of Pu! ATOM! > > > > > > Joe Manfre Gary Williams > > > Mark Hill Stephen Will Tanner > > > Schwa Love Carlos "Froggy" May > > > Ricky Morse Simon Clark 2000 > > > The Avocado Avenger Quinn Inuit > > > Beable van Polasm Chris Day > > > Mortis Michael Slone > > > Luke Breinig Peter Willard > > > Glenn Knickerbocker b r e t t > > > William "Passenger Pigeon" Burke Jorn Barger > > > Ben Wolfson Andrew C . Bul+hac?k The Avocado Avenger (stacia123@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > I was going to say you forgot to label this ragtag bunch of > > Kibologists appropriately (as "The Not Ready For Prime Time Usenet > > Players" or something), until I realized that there is only one ARKchyk > > on this list. And I think it's me! How are we going to get a decent > > SNL parody out of this bunch? > > What a strange list. I think a few more oldbies could have gotten off > > their high horses and wished Archie a happy birthday! Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > What really happened is not that Stacia thought that > it was mean that some of the old-timers didn't join the > list. Instead, she was mad that she was the only person > on the list who is COOL and not a NERD! > > It's kind of like, she sits at the COOL TABLE in the > ARK Cafeteria most of the time, and this time she > accidentally sat down at the NERDS TABLE, so she had to > try to save face by bad-mouthing all the NERDS OF ARK. > > Now that I have explained this all away, I'm sure everyone > will sleep easier! I should point out that the reason I didn't put my name on Archie's birthday card is that I want to see if he begins raving about how KIBO MUST BE BEHIND THIS BECAUSE HIS NAME ISN'T ON IT!!!! -- K. Also, my .signature didn't fit on the card. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.bio.botany,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: inform sour cherry seeds 22JUN00 Physics Prairie Home Companion Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 05:30:17 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In sci.bio.botany and sci.agriculture, Archimedes Plutonium (plutonium_archimedes@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > > > Would someone inform me as to whether sour cherry seeds need a > > > winterization period before they sprout or will they sprout as they > > > come off of the tree as I put them in a can of water?? > > > Someone please tell me the best way to sprout sour cherry seed. Jerry D. Hodo (ECHOSYN@webtv.net) wrote: > > > > #1 Cut out the crappy off-topic hyperbole. > > #2 Eat the seeds. > > #3 Pass the seeds. > > #4 Plant the seeds. Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Sour cherry seeds will not sprout unless passed through a animal > stomach? No, they won't sprout unless passed through a lunatic's stomach. It's always great to see that the King Of Science is not above allowing himself to act like a total bozo while not noticing he's being zinged. Jerry, I'm awarding you Double Bonus Points for this exchange. However, I think you need to draw Archie a diagram... -- K. I'm going to mail this article to WebTV Inc. and suggest that they show it in their advertising of how the WebTV can be used to entertain millions of people. WEBTV. THE POWER TO ZING ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: England's most important State Secret revealed at last! Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 06:17:35 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com MI5 has a Web site. I think it's even in one of those parts of the Internet that the Commies are allowed to look at (with their steam-powered computers.) It contains this security leak: -> The colour of the carpet -> -> Members and former members of the Security Service are prohibited by -> section 1 of the Official Secrets Act 1989 from disclosing without lawful -> authority information relating to security or intelligence which came into -> their possession while in the Service. -> -> It is clearly important that security and intelligence information is -> protected from unauthorised disclosure. But section 1 is sometimes -> criticised as prohibiting disclosures even about such matters as the -> colour of the Thames House carpets and the menu in the staff restaurant. -> These criticisms are misguided: such matters do not fall within the scope -> of the Act. It is therefore not an offence for a member of the Service to -> disclose that the Thames House carpets are blue, or that the staff -> restaurant serves a particularly good Chicken Madras! However, the U.S. Senate cafeteria's "famous" bean soup tastes a lot like Campbell's canned reboiled beige bean soup. -- K. ...although it is actually a competing brand which costs more. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Euro 2000 commentators Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 22:51:35 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > At one of the many Town Day concerts where Samantha plays French horn-- > I think it might have been Malden, Massachusetts; it's all a blur to me > now-- they had fireworks set to a recording of some female pop singer's > version of "The Star Spangled Banner" which had extra verses. > > Not the extra verses written by Francis Scott Key that nobody ever sings. > These were NEW extra verses. They were really painful. Fortunately you > couldn't make them out all that well through the fireworks and the extreme > distortion from the overcranked amps. I think it is alt.religion.kibology's sacred duty to come up with every possible extra verse for our national anthem and copyright them all so that nobody will ever sing them, or at least we'll get some money if they do. Also, we need to come up with every possible "Match Game '76" question to ensure they never make any more episodes of "Match Game '76". It is vital that we prevent people from reviving any more TV shows from the sixties and seventies. I'll start on the "Match Game '76" project by calling dibs on these questions: __________ RAYBURN A ________________ DURIANS ARE DELICIOUS BECAUSE ________________ Note that I am placing those questions in the public domain, but the answers are copyrighted. -- K. "Copyrighted... but STUPID!" -- Farte Johnson, star of "Match-In" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lots42's Second First Day At Blockbuster Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 23:13:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [Lots42 has fallen off the wagon and taken ANOTHER job at Blockbuster.] "And knowing is half the battle." (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > My day at Blockbuster: > > The Good Bits. > 1) I knew most of this training stuff already. So it wasn't as if I had > to pay that much attention. Blockbuster employees are trained now? "This is how you button the dorky blue shirt... if you become aware people have been teasing you by dropping things into the pocket on the small of your back for six hours, it means you put it on backwards." > 2) The producers of the training videos really tried to make them > entertaining. And that's what makes them painful to watch. > 3) The four other new people I was with were really fun to hang around with. > Only one is going to my store (we train at a different store). > And she's a babe. (Groan, I know). So let her know how you feel. Point to a copy of "Babe" and yell, "THIS IS YOU!" Just be sure it's a copy of "Babe" with the rubber pig and not "The Babe" with John Goodman because you don't want her to think you're calling her FAT. > 4) They have gobs of cool previously viewed tapes for sale. I've said it before, I'll say it again: The only good thing about Blockbuster is that they take over lots of video stores that predate enormous chains video stores, little ones that have lots of those weird tapes that were released in the mid-'80s (in longboxes) and were never minted again because after about 1985 people decided to only mass-produce tapes they thought normal people would want, but when Blockbuster absorbs one of these stores they have to ditch all these cool old weird tapes because Blockbuster is only allowed to rent certain items which are approved by corporate management. So they're allowed to _sell_ "Video Wars" and "Phenomenal And The Curse Of Tutankhamun" and "For The Love Of It" with Jeff Conaway, just not rent them, and this is how I got the majority of my collection of really bad movies nobody ever even tried to watch. > 5) One can actually drink out of the waterfountain. The one out in the little garden? > 6) The two hour-long tapes full of ads that run on the store's TVs > are kept low. I like that they have two hours of ads because they know that the average consumer spends at LEAST ninety minutes in the store whenever they come in. (All the movies in the store are 93 minutes, but the ads are 120?) > 7) Both stores carry a cool selection of entertainment-themed magazines. Those are ones which don't contain ACTUAL entertainment, just an entertainment THEME. > 8) They did not fault for me for number 1 of the next section. Well, of course not, you haven't posted it yet! > The Bad Bits: > 1) Wendys. I went there for break. Bad idea. I spent fifteen minutes > in the bathroom. Then I was barely able to stand for the last hour. > Then I spent the night (at home) bazooka barfing into the sink. > Adam, one of the trainees, was a manager at Wendys, though, and I > discussed what I had to eat with him. He didn't find anything wrong... > I think I just had ended up with the flu. Maybe you should stop drinking out of that birdba^H^H^H^H^H^Hfountain. > 2) The bathrooms are kept locked. Fortunately the training manager kept > the key with her at all times. Even while you're in there? You mean they lock you IN? What is this, The Backwards Werner Erhard Zone? > The Ugly Bits: > 1) The training was much more extensive and such than what I got at the > other store. I didn't even know we had a customer accident policy. > (Call 911, stay with the customer, don't move them, don't admit guilt). That policy is a bad idea if you allow elderly people into the store: OH! OH! I JUST READ THE BACK OF THE BOX OF "BABY GENIUSES"! IT MADE ME HAVE AN ACCIDENT! IN MY PANTS! NOW YOU HAVE TO STAY WITH ME AND NOT MOVE ME! LET ME SHOW YOU THESE HUNDREDS OF PHOTOS OF MY GRANDCHILDREN! Fortunately, I don't think Blockbuster allows elderly people in. I mean, *I* got kicked out of a Blockbuster for complaining that they ripped me off, so imagine how they feel about elderly people, who complain all day. And show you pictures of their grandchildren. THEY NEVER HAVE CHILDREN! JUST GRANDCHILDREN! -- K. So does your new Blockbuster have the usual dispute-resolution policy, involving the guy in the fake cop uniform, and the manager who explains that it's your fault for not filing a change-of- address form with Blockbuster AFTER you returned the tape and moved out of the area? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lots42's Second First Day At Blockbuster Date: Tue, 11 Jul 2000 18:54:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com The Avocado Avenger (stacia123@my-deja.com.guacamole) wrote: > > > "And knowing is half the battle." (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > > > > The Ugly Bits: > > > > > > 1) The training was much more extensive and such than what I got at the > > > other store. I didn't even know we had a customer accident policy. > > > (Call 911, stay with the customer, don't move them, don't admit guilt). > > Did I ever mention that my last experience in a Blockbuster involved a > lady projectile vomiting, while apparently aiming at the small display of > Jar Jar Binks Tongue Candies? No. Does this mean I have to repeat my story of the time I saw a guy throwing up to the tune of Neil Diamond's "Turn On Your Heart Light" at the local drugstore? By the way, the tiny Calumet Super Market in front of that drugstore -- which I had referred to as the second smelliest supermarket I've ever been in -- has gone out of business. Now I don't know where I'll go to buy mushy "frozen" food. (That market was the one that had the sign on the underpowered freezers saying, "DOOR DONT CLOSE RIGHT -- PLEASE CHECK AT _ALL_ TIMES". How the hell can I keep checking it 24 hours a day if they're out of business?) Their "Going Out Of Business Sale" consisted of putting up a sign saying "Going Out Of Business Sale" and waiting until they ran out of inventory at full price. > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That policy is a bad idea if you allow elderly people into the store: > > > > OH! OH! I JUST READ THE BACK OF THE BOX OF "BABY GENIUSES"! > > IT MADE ME HAVE AN ACCIDENT! IN MY PANTS! > > You said all this and didn't even use the phrase "Diaper Gravy"? > WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO KIBO??? I thought the diaper gravy was implied, because diaper gravy is funnier when it's left unsaid. After all, nobody wants to hear "diaper gravy" come out of my mouth. Although I'm sure I would tell you people if it ever did. > > I mean, *I* got kicked out of a Blockbuster for complaining that they > > ripped me off, so imagine how they feel about elderly people, > > who complain all day. > > Blockbusters tend to dislike anyone who is not a sober college > student. Sober, because they vomit less, and college student, be- > cause they don't know enough to expect decent customer service. I still want to know why if you look up the chain's name in the dictionary it tells you that it means "Bombs". > > So does your new Blockbuster have the usual dispute-resolution > > policy, involving the guy in the fake cop uniform, and the manager > > who explains that it's your fault for not filing a change-of- > > address form with Blockbuster AFTER you returned the tape and > > moved out of the area? > > Our Blockbuster required a credit card number and credit > application just to check out tapes, until a huge hullaballoo > about it revealed that Blockbuster was breaking at least 497 > civil and federal laws. Then someone drove their car through > Blockbuster's plate glass window, and someone else stole > their copy of "The French Connection". I like to think all > of this is interconnected somehow. Ah. You have discovered another arm of the International Conspiracy Involving Roy Scheider And Possibly Also A Talking Dolphin (ICIRSAPAATD). Check to see if "Blue Thunder" or "All That Jazz" were also stolen and burned, and whether there were smears of reddish-brown greasepaint left at the scene of the pointless crime. Does Blockbuster have any "seaQuest DSV" videotapes? No? THAT PROVES MY CONSPIRACY!!! -- K. The only thing worse than diaper gravy is diapest gravy. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.plutonium From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ¯W MY BRAN3!!!111!!1 Date: Fri, 7 Jul 2000 01:52:16 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > On a related note, I just learned from "Hollywood Squares" > that 4% of American women do not wear underpants. Now > *that* is gross!! I bet one of them is that CHYK that > birthday boy Archimedes Plutonium saw when he was in college, > the one with the icky brown stain visible through the seat > of her tight white pants. > > Kibo will now pull up the relevant quote from Archie's > autobiography and post it so I don't have to bother. I didn't remember the one about him staring at someone else's poop, just the one where he ate his own poop, and the one where he watched dogs eat their poop and asked whether people eat their own poop, and the one where he peed the bed during sex. So I searched for quotes involving poo-poo, pee-pee, and/or sex-sex. Which are rather interchangeable in Archie's twisted little mind. Little did I know that the one you were referring to, about him looking at the heinie of a poopy woman, segued right from poop to _durians_! (While reading these, remember that he uses his own calendar, in which he's 1940 years behind us.) /////// the wit and wisdom of Archimedes Plutonium on sex and poop /////// > Malaysia was a totally different experience to me. Everything > of my habits had to change. I guess that is why I later liked > traveling so much. That so many of my previous habits were called into > question. The first habit which I had to change was my toilet habits > for I quickly discovered that in Malay custom there is no toilet paper > and so one of the hands is used with water. Thus it is very bad to use > the hand-for-the-toilet for other purposes such as shaking hands or > eating food from. And I thought what a strange custom, but is it in > any way better then my custom of Western culture in the use of toilet > paper. And I came to the conclusion that yes in a way it was better > for how can dry toilet paper really clean well? So from that day > forward I combined the best of two cultures and have since used the > most superior method of toileting. I use toilet paper but I alternate > with wet toilet paper and dry toilet paper so that I am really clean. > I had remembered back to my days at UC a fine shapely female wearing > tight white slacks but then I saw something repulsive, that because the > slacks were white and so tight fitting that there was a large brown > spot and it was highly visible. > In Malaysia, I remember eating sacks of peanuts which were so much > better than anything at home. They were smaller peanuts and after about > eating 30 of them I would get this one peanut that was so strong and > rich in flavor that these were the greatest peanuts in the world. I > would eat these peanuts at every chance to find that one out of 30. I > loved the eating shops in Malaysia with lime water and curry rice and > spicy rice, and chapati. Tangerines and pineapples were great. > I remember other volunteers tried to get me to eat durian. They saw > what kind of a fruit lover I was. I never even bothered to try durian, > for I was not going to spend good money on some experimental fruit > tasting. By then I had figured that I had already found the best foods > in the world and I was not going to spend good money on experimental > foods. That the probability of durian tasting better than a tangerine > was slim, for I figured all the best foods were the ones most readily > available and known and if durian was so good than I would have already > discovered it before then. I believe I have never sampled durian, even > now into 0052. -- "Ludwig Plutonium: The Chosen One", pages 152-153 > If you construct a tough plastic shell with the butt area cut out to > poop, but the leg ankles such that it is hard to get free unless you > cut off the feet, then this straight-jacket will hold the individual. > And if the prisoner does not have own family to take care of him/her > drop them off on an island, tropical island and go make a living. -- Archimedes Plutonium, February 1998 > On the 4th of July in Hanover, we had a horse drawn carriage parade and > the horses left a-lot of poop in the middle of the road. Two fraternity > dogs came over and started smelling and then eating. They took their > time about it and several cars had to stop and honk to get them to > move. Several coeds were disgusted of the dogs. > > Has anyone done a biological research on the eating of poop by > various animals? > > Does anyone know if humans ever, or still do, ate the poop of any > other living creature, knowingly and willingly? -- Archimedes Plutonium, July 1998 > A TRIBUTE TO MY MOTHER, JOHANNA POEHLMANN: I remember vivid scenes of > my past with my mother, the first recollection of my mother, and the > first conscious recollection that I was alive was in the crib, I was > hungry and wanted something to eat and so I was eating this soft stuff > and I could hear my mothers voice differently, a harsh tone now, and I > saw her arms flinging around and she was making a fuss and later in my > youth I asked her about this scene and she confirmed to me that I had > eaten my own poop. -- first paragraph of "Ludwig Plutonium: The Chosen One" > So, if my theory is true, would mean some bucks to me in the ways of > patenting a sex barometer thermometer measuring devices. -- Archimedes Plutonium, June 1998 > I should check into this some more. I believe I will have to research > hormones. And whether there are any hormonal fluids exchanged during > sex. Of course there is male ejection into female. But is there any > female ejection into male during coitus? I would think very much so > because I hear of these sex transmitted diseases from female into male. -- Archimedes Plutonium, June 1998 > At the age of 15, I realized my sex drive for females. And I would > have this pleasurable sensation with my organs when in bed under the > feather blanket. The hormones flowed and in school when I > eyed a girl who I liked, the moment she eyed back or if any girl was > overly friendly to me suggesting that she liked me-- in that very > instant of time I liked her for sex purposes. But I disliked her and > would make sure I would not be near her, especially at recess or > lunchtime. -- "Ludwig Plutonium: The Chosen One", pages 84-85 > One day I went over to paint an apartment for S&H Investments and was > painting the bedroom of a tenant. She was very attractive and about 5 > years older than me. Her husband was probably not showing her enough > attention. She wanted her apartment painted, and I was on a stepladder > in the bedroom when she came in to get something under the bed. I > guessed it was her slippers. She was wearing a short skirt and when she > scooted herself out from under the bed it pulled her skirt all the way > up that she was stark naked in front of my eyes. The sight of her was > beautiful, the sight of a nude women, but the biggest thing that raced > through my mind was that I would be in big trouble, rape, and her > husband would come through the door any moment. Or that, she and her > husband were setting me up. I pretended I saw nothing. I was scared it > was a frame-up because she and her husband knew my father owned the > apartments. As the years went by I said to myself I should have, seeing > the image of this naked woman, but I quickly came back to the same > feeling that I am glad I did not. Pleasure sex is meaningless, there > is nothing of good to show for it afterwards. Pleasure sex has no more > permanence then which direction the wind is blowing. Later, while > going to Utah State University out West, I often told people that the > girls on the East coast were more aggressive, all because of these > incidents. I think in a sense it is true because on the East coast > there are more people per unit area and so the females feel that they > need to be more aggressive. -- "Ludwig Plutonium: The Chosen One", page 136 > My mind was on her, not the movie, as I was touching her, exploring > her body. She allowed me and encouraged me, and kissing her. And after > the movie I went with her to her cabin outside of town and I slept > with her. My first sex; it was fun. > But to this day I do not know if I, the dog, or her, were to blame for > an accident. For the next morning the middle of the bed smelled wet > with piss. Someone had pissed in the middle of the bed. I was trying > to think if I had ever bed wetted before. Did her big dog jump onto > the bed out of jealousy and urinate between us to mark out his > territory? Or did she bed wet? Maybe I did? What a mystery, perhaps I > had done it? Maybe it was me, because this was my first sex experience. > It does not matter much now, it is all past history. -- "Ludwig Plutonium: The Chosen One", page 138 > I concluded that a relationship was only worth it if she is good > enough to marry. Otherwise do not even bother to start anything. Only > if I think she would make a good wife do I even care to start anything. > And only if she is wife potential do I even want to ask her out for a > date. Pleasure sex is a waste of time. Procreation sex, marriage sex > is worthwhile. Pleasure sex is virtually meaningless. It has no more > lasting meaning then relieving oneself of feces, and that is a > pleasurable relieve also, especially if it keeps you from falling > asleep. Rolling around in bed, do I really have to go to the > toilet? Sleeping with a girl who I do not love is worst than trying to > get to sleep but I can not because I have the "feeling of defecating". > At Signal my opinion of women changed for the worse, a callous, harsh > view. -- "Ludwig Plutonium: The Chosen One", pages 226-227 > I reckoned that a female who charged > a male $100. a night to sleep, was a $100. whore. > A female who charged nothing was > a zero dollar whore. > With the comical wish that her man will be honorable after the many > free sex acts. > At least the $100. variety had $100. worth of brains upstairs. The > penniless variety had no brains upstairs > but had it all between her legs. -- "Ludwig Plutonium: The Chosen One", page 227 > I could not dream of a better world then if all men were gay except me, > leaving all the females to me. -- Ludwig Plutonium, January 1994 /////// end wit and wisdom of Archimedes Plutonium on sex and poop /////// So you see, Archie (aka Ludwig) has thought seriously about poo-poo and wee-wee and sex and how they interrelate. He has thought about these matters often, usually while typing at us. Also he hates all women but wants them all to himself. Even the one who pooped herself while he was busy not eating durians. -- K. Now you know why he abbreviates his name "Pu". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Alternative final episode of "The Bob Newhart Show" Date: Fri, 7 Jul 2000 02:02:02 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > I don't know whether there really was one, mind you. What I _do_ know > is I dreamed of one the other night. It might be summarized, TV Guide > fashion, kinda like this: > > > "Bob (Bob Newhart) defies the wishes of Emily (Suzanne Pleshette) and > breaks out his model train set, then begins to make mysterious > modifications to it. When Howard (Bill Daily) tries to lend a hand, > Bob reels off a slew of profanities at him. At last Bob finishes his work, > which includes installing a small seat on top of the locomotive capable > of supporting his weight. Ignoring an urgent phone call from Jerry > (Peter Bonerz), Bob pushes the transformer switch to the right until > it reads 'full power,' and in the final shot we see him riding the train > at top speed toward his living room wall. Mr. Peterson: John Fiedler. > Mr. Carlin: Jack C. Riley. Funny janitor: Roger C. Carmel." > > > Sadly, there was apparently no role in this episode for Carol > (Marcia Wallace), Dr. Tupperman (Larry Gelman) or Mrs. Bakerman > (Florida Friebus). It's a good thing that your dream -- about the Freudian psychoanalyst riding a little train while Mister Bonerz watches -- reveals nothing whatsoever about your inner life. Also you got sloppy, you let one of the three women sneak into your dream world. -- K. The he got hit on the head with a golf ball but it didn't kill him, it just made his cheeks develop weird swollen purple bulges. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Important ARKPLE ettiquette question Date: Fri, 7 Jul 2000 02:32:56 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > Sian Massey (massey@altricm.demon.co.uk) wrote: > > > > [...] do you call them by their alias or their newly learnt real name? > > Because I would never remember the real name, which would lead to > > conversations being punctuated by embarrassing six-second pauses. > > But I would feel pretty stupid shouting out "Hey, Poot Rootbeer!" > > or "Hey, Beable van Polasm!" in a restaurant or bar. > > > > Apologies to Beable or Poot if those are their real names. > > My real name is Leah Verre but I'd prefer it if you called me ASSPANTS > in person. Everyone calls me "Kibo". Except for mad scientists who either call me "James Kibo" or "Kibo Parry". I've seriously considered legally changing my name to Kibo, but (a) this would cause problems with filling out stupid Web forms ("You MUST supply a first name, a middle initial, a last name, you may NOT have an apartment number, and you MUST have an American ZIP code!") and (b) I'd still want to be "James Parry" so I could make incognito "serious" business transactions but this would lead to me needing business cards which said "Ki'James Parry'bo". So I'm sticking with being "James 'Kibo' Parry" in print and "Kibo" aloud and "James W. Parry" when I fill out forms. Except on jury duty, when I put down "James 'Kibo' Parry, Internet Legend". So you're supposed to call me "Kibo" in real life because if you say "James" I will ignore you because you must be either a telemarketer or a mad scientist. However, I'd prefer it if, when mentioning me here, you would say my name in Futura Extra Extra Extra Bold Doubly-Capitalized Capitals in 3-D. And not in purple. Thank you. -- K. Also I would like you to call everyone but me ASSPANTS. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Important ARKPLE ettiquette question Date: Tue, 11 Jul 2000 18:15:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [about my SECRET real name which is "James W. Parry" according to my GOLD debit card which is somehow better than a NORMAL debit card] Darla (Darla4695@hfx.eastlink.ca) wrote: > > > > > > > > "W.?" James "W." Parry? And for what sobriquet does this suspicious > > > > "W" stand? > > > > > > > > "Walter?" "Weedwhacker?" "Westie?" "Wux?" "Winkleman?" "Woo?" > > > > "Wallaby?" "Wunderman?" "Widget?" "Will?" "Won't?" "red" (moldau@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > > > My money's on William, but if it's Walter, I will freak, because one > > > of my best friends from college was James Walter Frusetta, and he is > > > eccentric and funny like Kibo. But he has red hair. > > > > > > And he was a lot funnier before the PhD program ate his brane. Darla (Darla4695@hfx.eastlink.ca) wrote: > > > > Great. Kibo emailed me the SooperSekrit answer to this question--- but > > because I thought it was just the email half of a "Posted and emailed" > > thing, I DELETED THE EMAIL!!! And now I don't remember what he said > > the W stands for. Waaah. Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > You're right. It's Waaah. I'll let you choose from one of these four fine W's: (1) Wiverlort (2) Woxwox (3) Waffle-Based Styrofoam Pants (4) Wurlap Please pick one of those and then I'll tell you it's not that one. -- K. The "W." also does not stand for "Wedgiemaster", that's just my professional name as a rapper. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The People Lots Trains With Date: Fri, 7 Jul 2000 03:29:33 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [Lots42 has apparently survived his first day at the new Blockbuster.] "And knowing is half the battle." (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I'm going to be stuck with these goofalls for the next week, training. > But that is ok. They are cool. We spend way too much time gabbing in > the back when we are supposed to be doing our workbooks in the back. Workbooks? Like in second grade? I can just imagine Blockbuster's training program: CIRCLE THE ONE OF THESE FOUR WHICH IS NOT A GOOD MOVIE: "Baby Geniuses" "The Road To Wellville" "The Postman" "The Unborn II" > Adam is the only other dude. He has the build of Chris Farley and the mental > attitude of a repressed Mormon. He claims he faints when he sees naked tits. Ah, so I take it there's no chance of him reading alt.religion.kibology or anything else on the Internet. > He also claims to have gone to school in Ringling Bros. and does voice > overs for Disney films. Plus, he sings in the Disneyworld acts. I'm shocked and depressed to find out that graduates from Clown College are forced to work menial jobs at Blockbuster just like ordinary BOZOS! > Tonya, Tobi, something starting with T. She's the only one of these people > who is going to be working at my store. She's mostly quiet but she can snap > out dirty wisecracks with the best of them. I think she's planning to be > a teacher. Those are the two prerequisites -- to be able to zing the kids when they say something stupid, and to know whether "Baby Geniuses" is a laugh-a-minute riotous romp to be popped into the VCR to entertain the kids, or a severe form of punishment. > Michelle 1 is quieter. She's married and just listens to our off color > banter. She cheats out of the answer book. She sometimes joins in. > > Michelle 2. Goth bi-chick. Talks up a storm. Very insightful. Me, kind of, > if I had boobs. And a 'coochie'. Adam doesn't like the word 'coochie'. > So we tormented him with it. Quick, put a Charo tape into the VCR. > Michelle 2 also smokes dope, does all sorts of illegal things. She'd > like to smoke a doobie with me. See what I'm like when I'm high. > I'd take her up on it if the chance ever came. Quick, someone, find a "Dragnet" tape so that Jack Webb can tell Lots42 that he will "blow his mind" if he smokes "reefer". Some day you'll get so "far out" you'll never come back, Junior! WHY DO YOU THINK I CALL IT "DOPE"? I like how after delivering a killer line like that he immediately turns and leaves without saying goodbye. Every single scene in "Dragnet" ended with Jack Webb getting the last word and then stomping out rudely. THAT'S WHAT MADE IT GOOD! -- K. P.S. Lots, in which category does your store display Terry Gilliam's "Brazil"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: porn on car televisions Date: Fri, 7 Jul 2000 05:17:30 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In misc.legal, someone with no name wrote: > > Over the weekend I saw someone in traffic at night who was playing porn on > their car tv set! The screen was very visable, even through tinted > windows. Out of curiosity, what are the legal issues involved here? I think it's highly unlikely that you'll be busted under most states' peeping-tom laws. What kind of porn was it, and how long was the tape? -- K. And are you sure it was a real TV and not just a WebTV? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: porn on car televisions Date: Mon, 10 Jul 2000 19:49:54 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com A few days ago, I wrote: > > In misc.legal, someone with no name wrote: > > > > Over the weekend I saw someone in traffic at night who was playing porn on > > their car tv set! The screen was very visable, even through tinted > > windows. Out of curiosity, what are the legal issues involved here? > > I think it's highly unlikely that you'll be busted under most states' > peeping-tom laws. > > What kind of porn was it, and how long was the tape? This weekend I found out that U.S. Customs officials don't seem to care if you're on a bus where all the blurry little video screens are showing steamy girl-on-girl sex scenes. I also found out that MIT students like steamy girl-on-girl sex scenes. Oh, and Canadan customs officials (which have jumpsuits instead of guns) REALLY don't like it when someone casually asks why they need to see our passport when we're not leaving the U.S., we're just going to Canada. Quick rule of US-Canada border crossings: Put a big sign saying "M.I.T." on the front of your bus and let some college students ride on it to make it look realistic. They won't look in the bathroom, in the luggage compartment, in the overhead racks, or ask if you have anything to declare, because you must all be uninteresting nerds, because the bus says "M.I.T." on it and no MIT student could possibly have Cuban cigars under their seat while they watched porn. And everyone on a bus that says "M.I.T." must be an MIT student because buses NEVER have inaccurate signage! -- K. Now that I've apparently become an MIT student by association, I should also point out that I've eaten at a McDonalds just outside Hanover on the same trip, so now I'm also a Dartmouth student... just like Archie Plutonium! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I have now seen the world's scariest thing. Date: Mon, 10 Jul 2000 19:10:04 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Scary things I can think of right now: 1.) Elvis impersonators. 2.) Street mimes. 3.) Skin suffocation. 4.) French speakers. This weekend I saw the scariest thing ever -- all four wrapped into one: A street mime dressed as Elvis but with his whole body painted gold... in MontrŽal. YIIIIIIIIIIKES! I'm not sure what the point of a mime dressed like Elvis is ("LOOK! IT'S EXACTLY AS IF ELVIS LOOKED LIKE ELVIS BUT DIDN'T SING OR DO ANYTHING!") and I'm even more not sure what the point of a gold Elvis mime is ("LOOK! HE'S DOING AN IMPRESSION OF THAT TIME ELVIS STARRED IN 'GOLDFINGER'!") but you can rest assured that if this fake Elvis did talk, he'd talk in some strange version of French where they don't have to go to jail if they say "le week-end." And now, my impression of gold-dipped Elvis singing the dinner menu: "blah blah blah poutine blah blah blah sugar pie blah blah blah yellow pea soup blah blah blah smoked meat sandwich blah blah blah pogo blah blah blah croustilles avec saveur de ketchup blah blah blah MERCI BEAUCOUP!" -- K. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, EXTRA-CREEPY ELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I have now seen the world's scariest thing. Date: Tue, 11 Jul 2000 18:42:28 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > This weekend I saw the scariest thing ever -- all four wrapped into one: > > A street mime dressed as Elvis but with his whole body painted gold... > > in MontrŽal. > > Uh, so, um, do we want to know how you know he was a francophone? Because... he... was... a... MIME... dammit. Do you really think the English-speaking minority in MontrŽal spends their time pretending to stand still for tourists? MIMES ARE INHERENTLY FRENCH!!! I like how the French-speakers are a minority in Canada but a majority in MontrŽal, which leads to wacky fun ironic political tensions. And xenophobic graffiti with accent marks on it -- I found a pay phone where someone had written "IMIGRANTES RƒPUGNANTES". Of course, I don't think the graffiti-writer was well-educated, because they didn't know that French-language signage in MontrŽal normally has all the capital "I"s dotted: . . IMIGRANTES RƒPUGNANTES ...which makes it look like Turkish, except that I saw one sign where they had actually dotted a capital "L", which made me worry that I had wondered into that country where they filmed the ninth season of "Mission: Impossible". There were some wonderful Franglais signs saying things like "Les Week-Ends X-Large" and "O'Blitz Resto-Pub" (which manages to nail Irish, German, Italian, and British roots together below to a picture of two green hockey players swiping their sticks at an eight-foot-diameter swirly green ball. You know you hired the wrong signpainter when they can't even draw a _puck_.) I also saw a flashing red sign that said "WILLIAM SHATNER", but that was because I was in his building. This was at McGill University, where roving gangs of Anglophones (McGill is an enclave of English- speakers) had modified the "Rue UniversitŽ" street signs by sticking "y"s over the "Ž"s. I liked the one where the "y" was backwards. I enjoyed the cases where signs had been made bilingual with the minimal effort, such as McGill's "Pavillion Bishop Mountain Hall" and another which contained the word a AUDIO-VISUeL (imagine the two vowels are half-size) Anyhow, I didn't talk to the scary mime, but I guarantee you that he'd be as French as Marcel Marceaux, Etienne Decroux, and Jacques Clouseau. -- K. Not to mention Jerry Lewis. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Oprah Magazine Gets New Editor Date: Tue, 11 Jul 2000 16:16:34 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com For the Associated Press, Seth Sutel wrote: > > NEW YORK (AP) -- Hearst Corp. named a new editor-in-chief for > Oprah Winfrey's hugely popular magazine Monday, one month after the > first editor stepped down. > The appointment of Amy Gross, an experienced magazine writer and > one of the founding editors of Mirabella, fills a large gap left at > the top of O, The Oprah Magazine by the sudden departure in early > June of Ellen Kunes. > Kunes, who cited ``work/family issues'' for her decision, left > after just one issue went on sale. [...] Matt McIrvin will now post the story outline for the worst movie ever, in which Corbin Bernsen takes a job at "O" magazine but nobody tells him until after the first issue that it's _Oprah's_ "O" magazine and not a sperm bank. And then Matthew Broderick gets four hundred enemas and some toddler with a midget's legs yells "Diaper gravy!" While Matt's doing that, I'd just like to say that this weekend in MontrŽal I can close to buying a cassette of the French version of "Baby Geniuses" just to find out how they translated the scene where the dog shouted "Diaper gravy!" But I decided against trying to acquire "Les petits gŽnies" because it was in a box with child pornography on the cover. (In the USA, the poster and box for the movie show an evil-looking grinning toddler in a gray sweatshirt. The French version has the same picture, but without the clothes!) "Ils sont mignons, angŽliques... et plus malins que vous!" Also it cost $18.99, which is a lot to pay for a bad movie even in little Canadian dollars. So, would someone who is fluent in French please tell me how to say "Diaper gravy!" in French so that I could avoid ever saying it? I wouldn't want to say it by accident... -- K. POUTINE!!!! whoops. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: fungal cultures and cellophane Date: Tue, 11 Jul 2000 16:40:19 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In sci.bio.botany, michaelo@rhs.org.uk wrote: > > Does anyone know a source for cellophane for fungal cultures. We are > growing cultures on plates with cellophane between the culture and the > agar so the mycelium is easy to harvest. It has to be pure cellophane > and so far we had free samples from UCB. Unfortunately, they can't > supply in small amounts (only tonnes!) and I'm looking for alternatives? I would just like to say that the first sentence is the single greatest moldy-food-related straight line I've ever heard, and I'm going to save it for the next time I need to make fun of the Super 88 Super Market. -- K. One time I was in there recently, the tank of rock crabs had a big _mound_ of mottled chocolate-brown foam sticking up from it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: WebTV-related quote of the day! Date: Tue, 11 Jul 2000 16:47:24 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.online-service.webtv, "Notorious J" (JDP22@webtv.net) wrote: > > Subject: DON'T BUY WEBTV!!!! > > Sorry for the caps, but I wanted to make sure anyone that was thinking > of buying a webtv doesn't. I'm dropping that into my folder which contains the sum total of all wit and wisdom from WebTV. -- K. Just out of curiosity, does anyone else remember Accelerator Boy? We should track him down and get him a WebTV to get him back on the net. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.archaeology,sci.bio.technology,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: LaSalle to DNA testing Jesus+Barabbas ; new movie HISTORICAL JESUS FROM SCIENCE Date: Tue, 11 Jul 2000 17:01:05 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.archaeology, sci.bio.technology, and talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > One thing, candidate Jesus bones would evince crucifixion. So if we locate a > Jesus family gravesite and find bones of a crucified person it is likely to > be Jesus. Well, you should be able to look up the Jesus family gravesite somewhere. He was probably buried right next to his father. > Only a probability though, because in Jesus's family, he had many > brothers and sisters, James being one of the brothers and it is highly likely > > that Jesus's other brothers were also crucified, because the Jesus family > occupation was Essene military fighters. > > [...] > > The Jesus story is the grandest Sherlock Holmes story. > Instead of naming my movie HISTORICAL JESUS FROM > SCIENCE, I could have named it SHERLOCK HOLMES ON JESUS. I think that title is likely to sell better, especially after it gets shelved in the "ALL-MALE" section of the video store. > I used Occam's Razor to derive the likely occupation > of Jesus as Essene military fighter. I wonder if any > Sherlock Holmes story ever mentions "Occam's Razor". Well, THAT would prove your theory about Jesus. > [...] > > God is Science, and Science is God. So you're the King Of God now? -- K. I still wonder why he chose to be King Of Science and not king of something more fun, like King Of Mud Wrestling. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Green Ketchup Date: Tue, 11 Jul 2000 17:56:19 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "red" wrote: > > "Let's make Ketchup the color of spinach! Because kids LOVE spinach! > Also, they can paint with it!!!" > > I haven't even seen it, and I think I already hate it. I've seen it, at least on TV. I know TV doesn't do greens very well, but it was still the brightest green I've ever seen on my TV. For those who don't know, Heinz has found a clever new way to market of ketchup by making it in both traditional red and new fluorescent green. This will DOUBLE their sales... ...ON PLANET STUPID! I think the rationale is that now every household will have to have one crusty old bottle of red ketchup for the grownups and a slimy new bottle of green ketchup for the kids, and so everyone will have twice as much ketchup slowly going rancid in their fridge. Also I bet it only comes in seventy-two ounce bottles. Does anyone else remember when they asked a focus group if they would buy more ketchup if it came in widemouth jars so that they could spoon it out to use lots of it in their meat loaf, and so they started selling ketchup in mustard jars, and nobody ever bought it? I think this is the same phenomenon. "Here's a gift of twenty dollars for participating in our focus group. Now, do you think you would buy green ketchup?" -- K. I'm holding out for blue bacon bits on my clear hot dog. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Okay, all of you can make fun of me for the next day and a half. Date: Tue, 11 Jul 2000 19:20:57 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I just replaced my beat-up old mattress with an inflatable one. I did this for four reasons: 1.) The mattress HAD to go. I could see through it. 2.) I'd rather spend as much money as possible on computer gadgets and as little as possible on big expensive pads to nap on. 3.) I like soft squishy things. 4.) I figured Nick Bensema deserved the chance to laugh at me after I teased him about his silly South Park inflatable chair. Also, it has a fuzzy velveteen surface and a delightful new car smell. So, you're allowed to make fun of my inflatable mattress for the next 36 hours, at which point I go back to making fun of everyone else. -- K. Except for Wild E. Cyote "PHD", who I haven't made fun of since he turned off his WebTV and couldn't figure out how to turn it back on. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dream time! Date: Tue, 11 Jul 2000 20:19:29 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > Tonight, I dreamt that I ate durian bread. PLEASE tell me such a thing > does not exist! I'm sorry, but it MUST exist. It would be imporrible to prevent stupid people from doing stupid things with stupid fruit. And besides, I've drank bitter gourd tea. So stop whining and eat your durian Danish. > Someone suggested that it should be eaten with lots of garlic, to cover > up the taste. Naah. Lots of asafetida, bitter gourd, and Citroma. -- K. Never had a durian dream. Never will. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Idea: for stealing. Date: Tue, 11 Jul 2000 20:22:14 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ben Wolfson (rumjuggler@cryptarchy.org) wrote: > > Crumblebees. Know how car windows are designed to crumble into bits instead of shattering upon impact? Well, from now on, they won't crumble into little round bee-sized bits of glass, but they will crumble into live bees made of glass. These invisibees will not have any particular area of their body designated as a stinger, because they'll be sharp all over. Also, instead of buzzing, they'll make that noise you get when Ben Franklin rubs his finger around the rim of a wet wineglass. -- K. Or was that Fatty Arbuckle? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: god is a devil Date: Tue, 11 Jul 2000 21:07:14 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.religion.bobby-hodad, "ESzewc" (eszewc@aol.com) wrote: > > Subject: god is a devil > > on7/3 2000 he stopped me from masturabating In alt.religion.monica, "ESzewc" (eszewc@aol.com) wrote: > > Subject: god is a devil > > on 7 / 4 2000 the devil stopped me from masturbating In alt.religion.monica, "ESzewc" (eszewc@aol.com) wrote: > > Subject: giod is a devil > > on 7/ 5 2000 god the devil stopoped me from masturbating Doesn't posting to the Internet about masturbation over and over count as masturbation? In alt.religion.kibology, "ESzewc" (eszewc@aol.com) wrote: > > Subject: god is satan > > I will not love god because he hates me. (will I not die.) It would be so great if he'd read these newsgroups before posting his weiner to them. Can you imagine the comments he'd have on alt.religion.kibology if only he could figure out how to look at our articles so he could misunderstand them? -- K. But who stops God from masturbating? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Psst... wanna see a secret project I'm involved with? Date: Wed, 12 Jul 2000 02:54:17 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Okay, it's not secret, but I haven't advertised it here yet just because I wanted to see what number of visitors it would draw before you folks stampeded to see it. Want to read some notes on my trip to MontrŽal this weekend? See http://www.The-Election.com/rants/ and click on #9. Or cliquez-vous on one of the other eight to see the other ones I've tossed together in a royal hurry, I've been assembling two of these each week in a mad slapdash race to the deadline. Ironically, I've been planning a "rants" section for www.Kibo.com for a year or so (with the emphasis on a different kind of rant) but I haven't had time to start it yet because nobody's paying me to run www.Kibo.com. The ones for "Kibo's Mostly Rants" on www.The-Election.com are political (mostly) rants (approximately 5% political content, 95% the usual crud) while the ones for my own Web site will be about technology. (The title of that section is secret, but suffice it to say it's a better title than "Kibo's Mostly Rants".) And yes, there's a version of the "Kibo's Mostly Rants" logo where the right leg of the "R" vanishes once in a while. -- K. I promise you there will be lots of typographical errors for you to hunt down at http://www.The-Election.com/rants/ and you can complain to the management at feedback@The-Election.com ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Psst... wanna see a secret project I'm involved with? Date: Thu, 13 Jul 2000 00:47:13 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp "Garamir" (garamir@jps.net) wrote: > > In rant #3, Kibo wrote: > > > > There's also no network specifically for prison inmates. > > I can't say I've ever actually seen The Prison Network, but on > at least one of my friends' cable coverage, the last channel > (89? 99? I can't recall) has what appears to be a security > camera display. The scenery isn't much to talk about, and I > can't really tell whether it's an actual prison, since I've > never seen any real people there. It might just be the same > shot, frozen since the dawn of prison time. Maybe your friend should go downstairs sometime and see if his apartment building's lobby looks like that. Many apartments have a camera in the lobby which shows up on some channel or other. Of course, the TV is never within twenty feet of the intercom and buzzer, and that's assuming they gave you a free TV with the apartment. I hate those lousy TVs! > I'd call the cable company up and ask them what it is, but I'm > afraid they'd take it off when they realized it was there: > > Me: Hi, I was wondering why you're showing prison security > cameras on channel x9? > Guy: Wha? Lemme check. Oh, that's not the prison. That's our > brach off-- hang on a sec. > [Channel x9 is replaced with the Batttle of The Ants And > Termites Network feed from broadcast] > Guy: Nope... I don't see anything unusual. Are you sure your > cable box is working correctly? I used to have a cable system which had a channel showing a picture of an oscilloscope showing the waveform of the signal being transmitted on the channel that showed the oscilloscope. IT WAS THE MOST BORING INFINITE REGRESS EVER! Then eventually they went to a four-way split-screen showing three oscilloscopes and one solid gray quadrant, but I moved away before I found out if they were ever going to add Bob McGrath singing "One of these things is not like the others..." It never got up to the level of excitement of, oh, Genesis StoryTime, the channel where you could watch stick figures being drawn at 1200 baud while right-wing radio talk shows came out of the TV speaker. Now at least I get The Game Show Network on both the "A" and "B" cable systems (I'm in one of those places that has two coaxes with a different set of channels on each one) so that I can see it on either 58A or 28B depending on whether I want to see the "Match Game '76" contestants pick "A" or "B". Of course, they always pick "B", which is why I always vote for "A". -- K. DUMB DORA was so DUMB... (HOW DUMB WAS SHE?) DUMB DORA was so DUMB, she picked A! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Why I hate spellchecking my articles. Date: Wed, 12 Jul 2000 23:07:42 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Output of running the "spell" program on all alt.religion.kibology articles I wrote last year: [...] A&E A&E's A&W a6d5 AA aa AA's AA0000X AA88 AA888 AaA AAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNN AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGHHH Aaaaaaaaaghhhh AAAAAAAAAH AAAAAAAGH AAAAAAAND Aaaaaah Aaaaaahhhhhhhh Aaaaaaiiiiiieeeee AAAAAATTT AAAAAAY AAAAAGH Aaaaaiieee AAAAAIIIEEE Aaaaaiiiieeee AAAAAT AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGHHH AAAACK Aaaah AAAAHHHH AAAAHHHHHHRRRRRRRR AAAAHHHRON AAAANCING Aaaare Aaaiieeeeeee AAAIIIEEE AAARRGGGHHH Aaas aaasne AAAUGH Aah Aahhh AAMD AAMR AAPR AARGH aargh aaron aarticle AAs AATTT AB Ab ab ababian Abacub Abanse Abatas Abba Abbie abbott abbrev ABBY Abby abby ABC's ABCDEFGIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ ABCDEFHIJKLMNOP abductors Abednego Abee ABEMARF Abemarf abg ABIAN Abian aBIaN abian Abian's abians [...] I will spare you the horror that is the P's. -- K. Stay tuned for more core-dump format entertainment in my next article! It's like reading the phone book, without the annoying book part! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: How people REALLY use the Web. Date: Wed, 12 Jul 2000 23:16:42 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp I just did my periodic sweep of my log files to see whay query terms people had been keying into Web search engines to arrive at www.kibo.com. The results show that about half the people using the Web are trying to find fetish pornography by going to www.google.com and typing "BATMAN IN DIAPER". (Because my site is so full of large text files covering so many kinds of stuff -- that is, those big files with all my archived articles from the past few years -- people searching for random things often come to visit me... and hopefully they leave perplexed rather than just disappointed.) This list shows all keywords extracted from any search engine queries that reached www.kibo.com in the past week (yes, this is just from one week, my site gets visited a lot): "Hiroshi Araki" +Aum "Paula Poundstone show" "Porn Kids" "banner switching" "donnie & marie" "dumb toys" "female reporter"+"eyepatch" "gunge" "his stump" "housewives at play" "peanut butter" AND hollywood AND brand AND carbohydrate AND grams "santa ho ho ho" "sniffing panties" "swish pan" "to wet his pants" "truman bradley" "virtual reality" +"saturday night live" +clip +"super market" +"virtual reality", +museum, +Boston +bodypaint +nude -teen -porn -xxx +video +fonts+futura download free +gumby +cones +metalic +web +color +metallic +web +color +pockemon +pics +q-bert +dvd +cracks +rat +cuisine Add URL to Newsgroups Animal 57 BARBARA FELDON Bohr and "urban legend" Boy Scout Tortures Computers and InternetCommunications and NetworkingEmailSignature Files Gay batman IWPTA Iowa bands/The Dingleberries James Kibo Parry KIBO Kibo Kibo orange cones Kibology LITTLE GIRLS IN BIKINIS Man receives latter posted 50 years ago | PANTY SHOW PARRY D Picture of the big dig completed Puf n Stuff movie Sega Dreamcast Web Browser She-Hulk Wallaby Web Design What is Kibology? algerian scientist in america alt. newsgroups binary animal 57 asiaheat bad spelling barbara feldon barmeno batman +gay ben stiller show download big diaper big dig big dig tour big spiders bigdig pictures bondage hood butt head astronomer cat cheez whiz picture coke+bottles+for+sale colloseum rome consumerism,as harmful crackpot math creepy+geeks+net cylon, voice dead of einstein debauchery diaper astronaut diaper movies dipers dish smart card dopey clip art download fonts desin dreamcast jpegs eat dirt einstein horror bomb einstein pepsi tv commercial electric football fills diapers fire extinguisher sound fx frog urine fun dares furby gay batman guns gif animations guy in a diaper gwar quicktime h.r. puf n stuf happyweb i love to wear diapers idle parry slogan imperious leader inflatable duck inflatable sheep buy england james james kibo parry jaw brace jury duty kibo kibo's homepage kibology limbic system little panty macigame man wearing diapers me in spandex leotard medical bag men and diapers mission impossible sunglasses naughty gals naughty nurse uniform newsgroup nude bear nude bodypaint orange barrels orange cones safety road work orbitz pagon clip art panty patrick macnee pee pant boys philco predicta pinchback pockemon porn+kids pornography store powercolor puf n stuf little enough revolving globe image richard hatch robotic arms pictures science fiction,terminator site:www.kibo.com rosie o'donnell ruth buzzi say club say-club sniffing panties spaace video clip spam AND hormel stars+stripes+forever+popeye+bluto sticky letters sticky signs still+in+diapers stomach acid bacon coke experiment strange store signs sweater bondage teen agent faq truman bradley virtual reality virtual reality tour pics wanted to wear diapers wearing a diaper wearing diapers wet pants wet pants embarrasing wet pants shoes what is kibo what will happen to our limbic system when one is in love who is kibo? woman wearing diapers www.panty.com yerkish -- K. It's hard to pick a favorite from all of those, but I think I like "diaper astronaut" the best. PREPARE TO LAUNCH THE DIAPER ASTRONAUT! Oh dear, now this article will attract MORE diaper fetishists. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: How people REALLY use the Web. Date: Thu, 13 Jul 2000 00:35:43 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I just did my periodic sweep of my log files to see whay query terms > > people had been keying into Web search engines to arrive at www.kibo.com. > > > > [...] > > > > "Paula Poundstone show" > > Why were they searching the Web for that, when they can see > the same Paula Poundstone comedy concert every week on Comedy > Central? (The one where the people in the audience give her > free Pop-Tarts.) I think they were searching for the one that ran for one and a half episodes (around the time NBC's "seaQuest DSV" premiered) and not only bombed, but also set off a chain reaction which would eventually get "Mystery Science Theater 3000" cancelled. Speaking of which, I have "Mystery 2000" flavor Squeezits(tm) here. I keep waiting for them to make witty remarks about my other snack foods but they seem to be broken or something. Even the one with the hair made from an old lacrosse mask didn't bother to say anything when I made it watch "Baby Geniuses". Waah! I hate it when my junk food doesn't dislike the same movies I do! > > "female reporter"+"eyepatch" > > See, most of the time you can look at search terms and see > what the person was thinking of. But I really want specifics > on this one. That was someone who went to HotBot and was probably profoundly saddened to see that Hotbot can find only one page which mentions both "female reporter" and "eyepatch". And it's one of mine. Apparently I am the world's only source of entertainment for people who like female reporters with eyepatches as they do their female reporting and eyepatching. reporter,reporters,newscaster,newscasters,anchorwoman,anchorwomen, correspondent,correspondents,eyepatch,eye patch,eye,patch,eyepatches, eyepatchs,eye patches,eyes patches,poke,ow my eye,larn dart,hathaway There, that should get my site some more visitors. Okay, some more of the SAME visitor. > > "peanut butter" AND hollywood AND brand AND carbohydrate AND grams > > "santa ho ho ho" > > "sniffing panties" > > I bet some video producer in Southern California is already > working on a new project combining these three. "Look! It's the Green Giant!" "Ho ho ho! MERRY CHRISTMAS!" "You got your PEANUT BUTTER in my PANTIES!" > > "swish pan" > > "to wet his pants" > > "truman bradley" > > "virtual reality" > > But these are more likely being combined into some awesome > new computer software. SWISH-PAN TO: TRUMAN BRADLEY (wearing a colander on his head) With this new virtual reality helmet I feel like I have actually wet my pants. Now if you'll follow me to my laboratory table, we'll do an experiment with peanut butter and panties. ONE-EYED WOMAN But could these imaginary wet pants pose a danger to the public? Channel Thirteen Action Wet Pants News is the first to break the story! We go live to the scene of the action: CUT TO: (Scratchy black-and-white stock footage of two mice running around on a 78 RPM record turntable) > > James Kibo Parry > > KIBO > > Kibo > > Kibo orange cones > > Kibology > > LITTLE GIRLS IN BIKINIS > > That sudden change in subject matter just about gave > me whiplash! Google sez: -> Your search - +"little girls in bikinis" +"whip" +"lash" - did not -> match any documents. -> -> * Make sure all words are spelled correctly. -> * Try using fewer words. -> * Try using more general keywords. -> * Try different keywords. Waah! But if I use DIFFERENT keywords I won't find the particular kind of perversion I NEED to find! For my school assignment! > I'm not surprised that all the diaper stuff points to > Kibo's site, but I never would have guessed there were > that many people in the world looking for Gay Batman. > > > > JM > > p.s. He's here at my house. I always thought "gay Batman" was redundant. Straight superheroes are the exception, not the rule. The only one who ever kisses women is Superman, and even he has peanut butter in his red panties, if you know what I mean. -- K. This is now the most popular Internet article ever. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The only two Web sites which truly understand me. Date: Thu, 13 Jul 2000 00:09:55 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp From http://www.glassdog.com/the_experience/word_of_mouth.html : > > There are very, very, very, very, very few non-celebrities (meaning people > without TV, film, radio, magazine or other old media coverage) who can > claim to have their own Usenet group, but James "Kibo" Parry is among > them. Why? Well, longevity for one thing. Before there even was a web, > Kibo was posting his ravings and stories out there in the newsgroups to be > swallowed whole by an unsuspecting but hungry public. Most of those > ramblings are grouped here, and if you can't find something to set off > your funny bone in this collection, there's something really wrong with you. Okay, so they accidentally typed "can't" for "can", but otherwise this is a remarkably perceptive analysis of the whole "Why is Kibo so incredibly beloved by everyone for no particular reason?" phenomenon. From http://www.quebec64.com/forum/NonCGI/Forum18/HTML/000020.html : > > Quel est le site que vous avez trouvez le plus stupide et dr™le ˆ la fois ? > > Ok, moi j'en ai 2: > www.jesusdance.com ...: Allez voir une centaine de JŽsus dancŽ sur de la > bonne musique! > http://www.kibo.com/photos/cones_1/ ...: Un site dŽdiŽ au cones oranges ! > Plein de photo de cones, dont certains ˆ des places bizzares, et d'autres > qui se sont faite dŽtruire... Sigh. I only have the second most bozotique site on the Web. Wait'll I get around to posting my second batch of cone pictures (which involves hundreds of photos) including many from QuŽbec. Just this weekend I found a store in MontrŽal which sells not only "CONES DEMARC. ORANGE" but also "MARQ. CONIQUES" in its sporting-goods department. So now I know that French has two words for "CONE" while English just has one. (Of course, in France, you can go to jail if you say the wrong one.) The above site in QuŽbec is not to be confused with this other one: http://www.generation.net/~passerby/montreal/montreal.htm ...which properly celebrates the glory of Panty Cat. > Yep. That is a cute computer game kitty with a bra on his head. Oh those > silly japanese game makers! Don't ask me what Panty Cat has to do with MontrŽal, but I wouldn't be surprised if there's at least one scary street mine dressed as Panty Cat outside one of the local resto-bars. -- K. Either that, or Panty Cat could be the mascot of some Japanese baseball team that would keep losing to the Expos.