Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Bleah. Date: Tue, 1 Aug 2000 05:36:45 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I never thought I'd say something like this, but yes, watching C-SPAN is more entertaining than something. ...namely, watching the wheels of legislature turning in person... ...until after midnight... ...in Massachusetts, where every floor vote comes out the same way every time. I should point out that while I was attending the last three hours of line-item veto overrides in this year's state legislature, I was eating sausage (pepperoni, to be precise) and afterwards I still like sausage, although I'm starting to hate Otto von Bismarck. -- K. And that sleazy Mark Twain who stole his quote so he could have something to type on the typewriter he just invented. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Former Monkee uses Liquid Paper legacy to fund idea-fest Date: Wed, 2 Aug 2000 06:20:50 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com The Avocado Avenger (stacia123@my-deja.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [wire-service article:] > > > > > > Nesmith and partner Victoria Kennedy live nearby. He keeps as a > > > museum the small trailer that was his mother's backyard workshop, > > > still stocked with mixers, bowls and other kitchen implements used > > > to mix the first batch of Liquid Paper. > > > > Exactly how hard is it to invent white paint? > > She didn't just invent white paint! She invented white paint with > some sort of icky chemical which gives off highly toxic fumes and > makes the watered-down white paint dry more quickly. In fact, she > must have condensed the fumes from normal white paint, because it > won't curl your shingles like Liquid Paper will. Then she put it in > small bottles teeny little brushes that will gunk up before you're > out of the Liquid Paper so you have to buy more than you really should. > Genius! Then she legally changed her name to "Whitefinger" and Davy Jones was found dead, and the coroner ruled that it was skin suffocation because he scribbled all over Davy's body with a ballpoint pen, and it wrote smoothly on every part of him, including the spot at the base of the spine. This was in that same James Bond movie where someone enlarged Arthur Fiedler to ten times normal size and then pushed him into a bread-slicing machine. -- K. And then the surving Monkees got revenge by forcing Neil Diamond to perform only tunes written by Peter Tork, Mickey Dolenz, and Charles Manson. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: new consumer product Date: Wed, 2 Aug 2000 06:31:54 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > well, old consumer product. i have a toaster stored away in a box > in the kitchen. > > the box claims that the product has two special features: > > Bread Brain(R) feature > > and it's > > Factory Toast-Tested > > ewwwwww. bread brains Well, see, they test-toasted the tested-toaster with toast made from bread which grew on the Brain Tree southeast of Boston, and not regular bread which grew on a boring tree. I still like that the Super 88 Supermaket [their spelling] has all those rice-cookers with "fuzzy logic" but they still have a big sign advertising "fussy squash". "Waah! You're not cooking me right so I'm going to scream like a dying rabbit for the next six hours!" -- K. I almost decided to buy a fuzzy-logic machine, but I'm not sure if I want to. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo: New Game List. Date: Wed, 2 Aug 2000 06:58:00 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "SWT" (dumplechan@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [suggestions for videogames to play at an A.R.K party, if there ever is > such an event] > > - Battle Girl, Mad Planets, and Strawberry Shortcake on the Atari 2600 I vote for the arcade games "Cameltry" and "ARK Area". Cameltry is like "Marble Madness" except you finally can cheat by turning the machine upside down when you need the marble to roll upwards. "ARK Area" is a lame game but, hey, sexy name. This reminds me, I need to update my list where I made fun of all the funny-name Japanese games supported by MAME. I wrote it back when MAME could only play 1000 games, and now it's up to 2000. And some of them have names even weirder than "Cameltry". On the 2600, "Spider Fighter" and "Yar's Revenge", 'cuz I can sing the jingles. "bouncin' divin' multiplyin' SPIDAFIGHTA!" And, of course, then there's Activision's "SeaQuest", the first video game to have a _bad_ TV show based on it. The only other 2600 game really worth mentioning in the Kibological sense is 2600 "Pac-Man", because five of us could stand up at the front of the room and perform an interpretive dance, "FLICKER FLICKER FLICKER BONK BONK BONK FLICKER FLICKER FLICKER EJECT!" On the Atari 800, "Busy Baby", because it's like "Moon Patrol" except with a crying baby instead of space stuff. On the Mac, "Panty Cat" and the final level of "System's Twilight". On either Windows or a Mac, any "Blue's Clues" game with a bee in a balloon, the "Spy Fox" game with Leah Verre doing her impression of Benny Hill's impression of Shirley Bassey, and that freeware pinball game that is full of subliminal ads for Dutch beer. On the Pet 2001, "Roto Raiders". With the secret final level which contains that POKE which makes your computer burst into flame when you lose. And that teletype version of that "Battlestar Galactica" game that made the guidance-office secretary yell, "The guidance department computer is not for computery stuff!" when I played it in high school. -- K. Also, Jeff Minter's unreleased "Tempest 4000", which is eight- dimensional and all onscreen objects move faster than light while erasing your brain retroactively, and displays colors that re-animate corpses and/or cause a laxative effect. Unfortunately, I think this game will flop because of the stupid marketing campaign, "Remember Tempest for the 2600? This is 1400 better!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sign Date: Wed, 2 Aug 2000 07:05:33 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Bill Newcomb (nuke@best.com) wrote: > > Tonight I was eating a sheet of sushinori (no rice, no other nonsense, > just delicious sheets of dark green goodness), when I noticed that as > a result of my random tearings of the sheet, I was left with a piece > of nori exactly the shape of Africa (in the Lambert conformal conic > projection). > > I'm not sure what this means, but I know it means something. It means you're one of those disgusting little fish that sticks to the inside of dirty aquarium glass because IT LIKES EATING SEAWEED, you prevert. I'm just glad you specified which projection so that I don't have to type, "Oh, but every shape looks exactly like Africa in *some* projection!" -- K. The GAF Viewmaster Projector makes all 21 images on the "Star Trek: The Omega Glory" reel look like Africa. You know, the part of Africa that was written by Gene Roddenberry while he was on the goofballs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Faster than Light Cold Fusion in the Phlogiston Date: Wed, 2 Aug 2000 08:57:33 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ADJUST YOUR TELEVISION. WE ARE CONTROLLING IT. WE WILL CONTROL THE HORIZONTAL. WE WILL CONTROL THE VERTICAL. IF WE WISH TO ADJUST THE SETTINGS SO AS TO MAKE DANNY DeVITO LOOK SHORT, WE WILL DO SO. IF WE WISH TO MAKE TED NUGENT LOOK STUPID, WE WILL DO SO. FOR THE NEXT HOUR, SIT QUIETLY AND WE WILL CONTROL ALL THAT YOU SEE AND HEAR. YOU ARE ABOUT TO TAKE A WONDROUS JOURNEY OF IMAGINATION THAT STRETCHES FROM THE WIDEST DEPTHS OF THE INNER CORE OF THE UNIMAGINABLE DIMENSIONS OF THE MIND OF A MIXED METAPHOR TO THE OUTER LIMITS. Responding to a challenge to produce the waviest text, Andrew J. Zimolzak (zimolzak@msu.edu) wrote: > > an lo it' > m ok . s > y y wa > e a v a > H t a a > w a ! > m l a e > y l a e > p a a ee > os s aa e > t it' vveee > > Will that do? It may look crooked, but trust me, it's a real sine curve. No it isn't! It's just a PICTURE of one! And it doesn't even have the rest of the oscilloscope around it! Also it's supposed to say "I AM LOOKING AT MY VOICE ON AN OSCILLOSCOPE. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Also, after Flexitroning your message, you should have rotated it ninety degrees and then Flexitroned it again and then dub in some Moog music and you'd have all the special effects you'd need to make a seventies sci-fi TV show, namely, ONE special effect. "Look, Logan! They're creating an evil twin of Jessica-5 with their awesome power of Flexitronics! Now let's go play with that Grass Valley Video Switcher which makes an earthquake destroy civilization so that the white supremacists can take over with their fleet of zeppelins!" Oh dear, Matt McIrvin needs to explain that segue. OR FACE PUNISHMENT IN THE "PONG" BOOTH FROM "MAN FROM ATLANTIS"! -- K. Really, they tortured Patrick Duffy by locking him in a glass box with a little white square that bounced around. I swear on my alpha copy of Copland that I am not making that up. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ANNOUNCEMENT: I am in love. Date: Wed, 2 Aug 2000 23:55:19 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > > > Anyway, I'm not just writing this article to tell you all about my new > > love interest. I am also writing about the various ways that > > Web sites can show you which Web browsers they want you to use. > > I read on some Web site a little while ago that if you want a > nice example of karmic justice, you can go to the search engine > of your choice and search for the words "frames-capable browser." > You will find out who those people are who keep complaining that > they don't get the search engine hits. > > I tried searching for that page again, but somehow it didn't work. I've designed a few frame-nazi sites myself lately, but only in cases where it was assumed that people would need "mainstream" browsers anyway to see certain other types of content. (I'd rather fall back on assuming the people have frames for navigation purposes than use JavaScript. I *hate* JavaScript.) However, I still refuse to use frames on www.kibo.com except on the one special page: --> http://www.kibo.com/frames <-- For some sites, I've designed separate graphical and text-only versions of pages which are automatically swapped when the server sees someone using Lynx. Although I'm not sure how many people still own an Atari Lynx. Whatever. I'd like a show of hands right now of how many of you people, upon seeing some random GeoCities porn page which said "THIS PAGE LOOKS BEST WHEN VIEWED WITH INTERNET EXPLORER 5.5 FOR MICROSOFT WINDOWS 98 SECOND EDITION ON A 1600x1200 MONITOR", went out and bought a new computer with a big monitor and installed a different operating system and Web browser just so you could look at the page, which turns out to have looked just as crappy with whatever tools the bozo used to design it. I'm stall waiting for some site to say "YOU ARE REQUIRED TO BE ME TO VIEW THIS PAGE BECAUSE I HAVE LOTS OF LINKS TO 'C:\' AND THEY ALL LOOK FINE TO ME, IF YOU CAN'T SEE THEM IT'S YOUR PROBLEM." I see a hell of a lot of sites where the guy left the pictures on his own hard drive and only checked his site with his own computer. > > But my beloved Tricon Global has a very subtle, yet effective, way of > > communicating its browser preference right on its front page at > > http://www.triconglobal.com; on the page, in the middle of an > > extremely ugly montage of photos and brand logos and stuff (remember, > > beauty's only skin-deep), is a little picture of a Microsoft Internet > > Explorer window! > > So I took my Choco Taco and smeared it all over the screen! > TAKE THAT, TRICON GLOBAL! I did it for the little guy! Choco Tacos don't smear so much as squirt when you squeeze them. Also when I was in Taco Bell yesterday the counter was ALREADY all sticky, so to protest I bought some food, poured my Dr Pepper over my own head, wiped my butt with my burrito, laughed, and left. Then I went back and did that another fifty times the same day. And they never once recognized me because I am the master of disguise! They kept thinking I was some OTHER person with burrito filling all over the seat of his pants! I'm a genius! -- K. And then I released the Animal 57s into the wild. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ANNOUNCEMENT: I am in love. Date: Thu, 3 Aug 2000 06:59:39 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [on the company which runs Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, and KFC, and denies it is controlled by Pepsi/Joan Crawford/Nixon:] Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > - Tricon Global has a riotously funny orientation statement, which > rather obviously originated when a bunch of directors at a > retreat in Aspen started brainstorming as some overcaffeinated > professional corporate-retreat-conducting-guy wrote their wondrous > thoughts down in abbreviated format on a large flip-chart-style > pad of ruled paper using a smelly, squeaky Marks-A-Lot brand > marker. Here are my two favorite points in the orientation > statement: > > Restaurant Careers..continuity versus > musical chairs > > Restaurant Results Orientation..sustainability > versus boom splat I urge everyone to write letters to the President Of Tricon Global, asking "Hey! I ate one of your new Animal 57 Chalupas, and then I had a major boom splat!" and demand that they wash the enclosed underwear and return it to you or else you'll spill your EXTRA-LARGE Diet Dr Pepper all over the counter at one of their outlets chosen at random by an idiot. -- K. I only miss Mike O. because I haven't read anything by him lately. I'm sure if he were to come back for just one day I'd never again miss him. (Can someone please explain the "Mike O." meme to the new people?) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: [Article] I wonder if this has something to with Hit-man Date: Thu, 3 Aug 2000 01:07:19 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Followup-To: alt.startrek.vs.starwars In alt.startrek.vs.starwars, "Chuck" (CSONN@prodigy.net) wrote: > > As always, with anything that might even be approaching secret information, > I stand by my position: I don't know, and I don't wanna know. Please, DON'T > tell me your secrets. PSST: TED DANSON WEARS A HAIRPIECE. PASS IT ON. -- K. Also, I heard a rumor that they might make another "Star Wars" film. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Today's news of the Very Interesting Date: Thu, 3 Aug 2000 06:49:28 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com l'AFP brought us this news: > > Subject: Cool pants: Japanese underwear tackles groin heat > > PARIS, Aug 2 (AFP) - Japanese scientists have come up with a > novel approach to feeling fresh on a hot summer's day: underwear > that cools the groin. > Icetouch, invented by Japanese sportswear maker Mizuno Corp., is > made of a mixture of cotton and polyethylene vinyl alcohol, the > British weekly New Scientist reports in next Saturday's issue. > The material keeps the groin about one degree Celsius (2.12 > degrees Fahrenheit) cooler than conventional cotton underwear, > Mizuno claims. ...yes, dipping your hoohoodilly in rubbing alchohol will keep you one degree cooler and IN INCREDIBLE PAIN. You'll say "Hey! I feel almost a whole degree cooler, now please kill me!" And l'AFP also posted: > > Subject: Migration mystery of giant Asian bee may be solved BEWARE! THE GIANT ASIAN BEE MIGHT BE COMING TO WASHINGTON, D.C. TO CRUSH OUR BUILDINGS AND FILL THE PENTAGON WITH GIANT FIVE-SIDED HONEYCOMB! Meanwhile, the Associated Press warned us that Dennis Miller is too brainy to be a good football commentator: > > Subject: Miller Has Up-and-Down Opening Act > > [...] > And he did produce what might have been expected from him and no > other person with a football broadcasting job -- before the end of > the first quarter, Miller's commentary already included references > to the pope, male genitalia, and the Tigris and Euphrates rivers. > There were later remarks about the Socratic method, the Rosetta > stone, and Sergio Leone films. I hear the Pope dips his male genitalia in the Tigris and Euphrates to wash off the rubbing alchohol and beeswax before using the Rosetta stone to translate some of Sergio Leone's tiny cartoons in the margins of "Mad" magazine, which he likes better than "Cracked" except for their issue devoted to a zany parody of the Socratic Method, "Socracked". -- K. HA HA I SAID THE POPE HAS MALE GENITALIA! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.new-theories From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: OK, Which One of you Slimes Cursed Me? Date: Thu, 3 Aug 2000 07:08:15 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Crgre Jvyyneq" (petew+usenet@drizzle.com) wrote: > > Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > I know I have been cursed by slime because my car broke down > > on the way home from work today. The engine light came on AND > > THEN SMOKE CAME OUT. > > Cars are slime and slime is lower than food from dogs! I am not > talking about dogs! I think may be it happened because some > certain of your theories may have been posted to an FAQ on some > certain HTTP-WEBS sites. May be slime drive cars now. Cars may be driven by slime. Slime tries to obey traffic laws but laws are also made by slime so slime do not need to stop for me. My shins hurt from where the car ran over hit me again on purpose. I think some one was driving it. Good junk yards do not mash up the bodies of dead cars between giant steel mashy things. Some times I wish I were a car or had one. I am going to order God to put a curse on any one who drives with a theory in their car. Per haps that will not be sufficient to help me. May be I am stupid. May be slime have cursed me to make me stupid. Per haps a car has cursed me be cause my shins hurt its bum per. I am a bo zo. -- K. BOZE NOSE BOOKS ONTOLOGY RECAPITULATES PHYLOGENY KLODS FOR KLODS ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo - Who hell he? Date: Thu, 3 Aug 2000 07:13:37 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com James Frost (snowman@ice-zone.co.uk) wrote: > > Subject: Kibo - Who hell he? YOU WON'T HE'S THERE! ALL OVER YOU SCREEN! > Who is Kibo? Kibo is he who never answers the question "Who is Kibo?" -- K. Kibo is the god who shaves all barbers who don't shave the queen. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The terrifying future face of computing. Date: Thu, 3 Aug 2000 07:50:59 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I have gazed upon the terrifying future face of computing. You thought it would be HAL's glowing red eye staring at your from the bathroom wall, or one of Big Brother's telescreens mounted on your bedroom ceiling. But, no, the most terrifying computer ever to invade your home is now on sale at J. C. Penny. It's an inside-out iMac that ENGULFS CHILDREN like a white blood cell eating Donald Pleasence! http://www.littletikes.com/jcpenney/products.asp?sku=653-0550 http://www.littletikes.com/toyfinder/ProductsFull.asp?sku=653-0550&category=8 I'm sure that toddler really appreciates that it has a 466 MHz processor so that he can play "Quake III: Arena" with smoothly-flowing blood. What I find particularly amazing is that it's made by IBM. The same company that once declared that there was no need for the peons to have computers, only five people in the world would ever use them, and they would come only in yellowed-tooth-ivory-beige sheet steel boxes with carefully sharpened right angles that give your eyeballs paper cuts when you look at them. Now, suddenly, IBM is making a computer that looks like a "Star Trek" Bridge carved from a giant marshmallow. And knowing how infrequently the vast unwashed masses buy new computers, don't you think that this kid will take his hefty computer with him when he goes to live in the college dorm? Just think, he could install Linux on it. And use it to trade pirated Eminem lite rap songs via Napster. That is, until the FBI comes to confiscate it. Which they wouldn't do because they'd be too busy pointing and giggling. I need to find a J. C. Penny so that I can sit at one of these Little Tikes fried-shrimp-chip-eating-a-child-shaped computers and post to the Internet so everyone will think I'm a two-year-old Internet wizard. -- K. Little Tikes is owned by Rubbermaid, chief competitor to Playtex and Gummikrankenschwester For Kids. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The terrifying future face of computing. Date: Fri, 4 Aug 2000 02:20:16 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "inpheaux skifyre" (inpheaux@no-spam.skizzers.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You thought it would be HAL's glowing red eye staring at your from > > the bathroom wall, or one of Big Brother's telescreens mounted on > > your bedroom ceiling. But, no, the most terrifying computer ever > > to invade your home is now on sale at J. C. Penny. It's an inside-out > > iMac that ENGULFS CHILDREN like a white blood cell eating Donald > > Pleasence! > > ye gods. its this thing again.. "MAW! PAW DONE SHOT UP THE GIANT ROUNDED PLASTIC TODDLER AY-OH-AYEL AGAYUN!" -- Ben Stiller Jr. > i set one of these up last summer.. it was donated to the lower-school > department of my former middleschool.. it didnt want to go together at all, > and i'm rather sure it insulted the intelligence of most of the pre-k kids > who were going to be using it. nothing that could be loaded on it needed > half of the power of the machine. and most of it wasnt even educational. it > was just mindless stuff. I wonder what the software bundle includes. "ChexQuest Limited Edition"? You're right, preschoolers don't need a 466 MHz computer (even if it's just a Celeron.) NOBODY needs that much computing power unless they're tracing rays, cracking codes, or doing some crackpot physics theory involving matrices of matrices of quaternions. (Games want a lot of power, but not that much, and are mainly limited by the speed of the graphics/3D card these days.) Of course, Windows or Mac OS will slow a 466 MHz Pentium or PowerPC to a crawl most of the time. At least the toddler computer comes with Windows 98 and not Windows 2000. > i also quite liked how the section where the full tower computer hides in > the back is so tightly packed together, that if one of the cables shorts, > or something in the system overheats, theres no way in hell you're going to > beable to open it, so the result is a large molten pile of multicoloured > plastic. I've been assuming it's just a plain old off-the-shelf IBM Aptiva consumer PC, with a big colorful plastic shell around the normal beige plastic shell. Much like when you find when you pull the front panel off the big box that houses your $50,000 raster image processor to find a 486. > it was also violently easy to get into windows, from which you could > concievably install napster and/or linux, but since it doesnt have any > semblance of a modem or nic, you'd just be sharing music with yourself. so > then metallica could sue you in particular for illegally making their music > available to no-one. > > the keyboard, however, ruled. the one that came in the package that i > installed wasnt some cheezy *real* keyboard like in the pictures provided. > the one i set up was a giant flat thing that was like a bite-size nintendo > power-pad, with "keys" that were round and about double the size of a > silver dollar. but if you alternately slammed on them really fast the > track-n-field guy didnt accelerate to the speed of light. furthermore, they > were spread out so that it would take really really big hands to beable to > do a hot-boot, but only if you coloured in the space where there should > have been a control key, since they felt the machine would never have to be > rebooted ever. > > right. i need to stop thinking about this thing. right now. or i'll start > having nightmares about it again. I need to think about it lots more. It raises lots of interesting points: 1. Although most people consider computers to be useless once they're a few years old, with MOST computers you can either donate them to charity (from which you'll at least get a sarcastic thank-you) or leave them on the curb for some enterprising nerd to claim for his collection. With THIS thing, there's no way anyone over the age of four would be willing to use it, and it's too big to flush down the toilet, so how would you get rid of this $2000 toddler toy? 2. Toy computers for toddlers -- that is, ones that aren't actually computers -- have exactly the same styling as computers for toddlers. The only difference is that the toy ones cost $20 and never crash, and usually have a convenient mirror in the middle of the screen so you can see the baby trapped inside the fake computer. I think this is a much better value than paying $2000 for the same thing with the mirror replaced by Microsoft Windows. 3. J.C. Penney wants so bad to be the ONLY place where you can get that special J.C. Penny combo pack of that computer desk and accessories. Think about this. It's a computer which is only sold at A CLOTHING STORE. (But not one of those clothing stores which is 50% clothing, 50% porno videos. That chain eventually became all porn.) -- K. I wonder what the big plastic toddler computer would look like if it was exposed to high temperatures for a few hours. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The terrifying future face of computing. Date: Fri, 4 Aug 2000 02:01:33 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "pete" (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I have gazed upon the terrifying future face of computing. > > WOW, a 14" monitor in $2000 system! Hey, stop mocking Archimedes Plutonium's iMac Special Edition. I'm sure it would be a perfectly good computer if it didn't have an idiot attached to it. > Is the keyboard resistant to urine and feces ? It's not a keyboard. It's a peeboard. You select letters by peeing on them. "Look, Mom, I'm writing my name all over the Internet!" -- K. I went to Toys R Us today to look for this, but didn't find it before store security got all suspicious and stuff. Also, the $7 Jar Jar Binks Monster Mouth Candy Tongues were marked down from $3 to $1, so I bought ALL of them to keep them out of the hands of innocent children. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The terrifying future face of computing. Date: Thu, 3 Aug 2000 09:41:48 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Here's another scary idea in personal computing unveiled today -- and by "scary" I mean "DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH GEEZ IS THAT A DUMB IDEA" -- -> New Palm model: Simply Schiffer -> By Stephanie Miles -> Staff Writer, CNET News.com -> -> For all the hype the technology world generates, there are few truly -> revolutionary products anymore. But someone came very close today: -> Get ready for the first handheld computer named for a supermodel. -> -> Palm and Claudia Schiffer today launched the Palm Vx Claudia Schiffer -> Edition. The handheld computer resembles a typical Palm V but sports a -> blue brushed-metal case instead of the regular silver color. WOW! I HOPE IT DOESN'T COST TOO MANY HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS EXTRA! I HOPE IT'S AS GOOD AS THE HEATHER LOCKLEAR CELERON OR THE BRITNEY SPEARS iMAC! -> Starting this fall, Schiffer will sell the device exclusively through -> her Web site. The model and aspiring actress is "personally selecting -> her favorite add-on software applications to include on a CD that -> customers can use to install the programs," Palm said in a statement. "I'm tired of picking what software I want to use! I want a supermodel to choose for me!" Kibo said in a really stupid statement. -> [...] -> -> "Our goal is to become as essential in pop culture as we are in tech -> culture," Satjiv Chahil, chief marketing officer at Palm, said in a -> statement today. "We are delighted that as an avid Palm user, the -> multitalented Claudia Schiffer recognizes the opportunity to market an -> elegant, powerful and simple-to-use technology to the fashion-conscious -> public." "multitalented" is always press-release-speak for "we can't figure out WHAT the hell she's good at." In other words, when someone says "the multitalented Kibo" they're really saying "Why the hell is this bozo famous?" -> Palm did not release the price tag for the Schiffer Palm Vx or the -> financial details of its partnership with Schiffer, who recently broke -> off her engagement to magician David Copperfield. He's multitalented, too. -- K. And he WISHES he were a goth. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I scream for ice cream! Date: Thu, 3 Aug 2000 08:22:09 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > Bill Newcomb (nuke@best.com) wrote: > > > > > > I'm not brilliant, but I'll offer that the root beer warms up a bit > > > while it's sitting out. Cold tends to mask taste, which is why melted > > > ice cream seems much sweeter than frozen, and warm Coors Light seems > > > to taste so much worse. The more of a smell component the flavor has, > > > the more effect a change in temperature has, so I might postulate that > > > the flavors in root beer depend strongly on aroma components. > > > > So, according to YOUR theory, Chunderdamp should be drinking > > BOILING HOT root beer? Because then it would taste the best > > it could possibly taste. > > Yep. You can test this, sciencefictionally, by leaving a bottle of Dr. Pepper > on the front seat of your car all day! When you emerge from your place of > work (or play, we don't know -what- you do all day in Austria any more > beable, at least in Nippon there were webcams everywhere we could track you > by, anyway) it will be More Deliciouser Than Ever! Like how hot buttered rum > is much better than -cold- buttered rum! Absolutely. Dr Pepper is a dish best served NOT COLD. And not in a dish. > > And as a CORROLLARY to your theory, > > TEA tastes better than BEER! > > Hot tea does. Iced tea: no. > > > And MOLTEN LEAD tastes better than ICE CREAM! > > Well, if it's got chocolate stripes in it, sure! Why split the difference? Baskin-Robbins sells leaded ice cream. If you eat enough of it, you will never die of radiation poisoning! That's why the astronauts are always eating that astronaut ice cream with the texture of a wad of ashes from a factory-reject Gutenberg Bible burned by the Pope. It protects the astronauts' tender little tummies from the deadly radiation that comes out of the Van Allen Belt that keeps their pants up. And also from the deadly Irwin Allen radiation that comes out of their TV screen whenever they watch "The Time Tunnel" in outer space. Also the astronauts need to consume as much lead as possible so that they won't float away when they get above those clouds that stop the Earth's gravity. "Houston, we've had a problem. We're venting something into space... it looks like a cloud of chocolate jimmies. I can't tell if they're drifting, or if that's just a side-effect of this rotating polarizer. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to find the manometer." (Matt, PLEASE explain that to the Peanut Gallery so they won't think I'm insane.) -- K. "WARNING: ICE CREAM CONTAINS ICE, SO EATING IT MAKES YOU LEGALLY INSANE!!!" -- Kibo, 1999 ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I scream for ice cream! Date: Fri, 4 Aug 2000 03:37:32 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That's why the astronauts are always eating that astronaut ice cream > > with the texture of a wad of ashes from a factory-reject Gutenberg Bible > > burned by the Pope. > > [...] Jordan's Furniture has taken the next step beyond astronaut ice > cream. (This is a New England furniture store chain that, like many large > furniture store chains today, attempts to turn its stores into > destinations, with on-site cafes and "M.O.M. -- the Motion Odyssey Movie," > a sort of down-market ride film; but mostly with lots and lots of > moderately clever TV advertising, of which the best was a dead-on parody > of the Blue Man Group ads.) > > Jordan's now also sells a peculiar variety of ice cream that, they > explain, has been through some sort of low-temperature centrifuge-like > mechanism, concentrating it into homogenized packing-material-like frozen > pellets that they call "Spaceballs." Spaceballs are "The Ice Cream > of the Future." > > They're OK, I guess. They didn't provide much explanation for why > they were the MOST FUTURE ice cream, though. WOW! I wasn't going to go buy one of those two-thousand-dollar red plastic Sit'N'Doodle Activity Desks with an IBM PC inside from anyone, least of all people who advertise on local TV, but the fact that they sell ASTRONAUT ICE CREAM FRAGMENTS AND FURNITURE IN THE SAME BUILDING IS JUST TOO EXCITING TO RESIST! SIGN ME UP FOR A HUNDRED TODDLER COMPUTER WORKSTATIONS FILLED WITH DELICIOUS FAKE ICE CREAM MADE FROM DRYER LINT MADE FROM DIRTY SWEATSOCKS! I AM NOT BEING ***S*A*R*C*A*S*T*I*C*** AT ALL!!! <-- LOOK AT THE ASTERISKS! > >"Houston, we've had a problem. We're venting something into space... > > it looks like a cloud of chocolate jimmies. I can't tell if they're > > drifting, or if that's just a side-effect of this rotating polarizer. > > Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to find the manometer." > > > > (Matt, PLEASE explain that to the Peanut Gallery so they won't > > think I'm insane.) > > Kibo has just gone to the Museum of Science again. No I haven't. Last science museum I went to was the one that had the corpse of a Canadian lowlife lying in a pool of fake blood. (The Challenger Space & Science Discovery Centre in Edmonton, Alberta, has a lot of lame exhibits on space exploration, a working Atari Lunar Lander game, and a very nice exhibit on police forensics.) > LET THE BABY HAVE HIS EXPLANATION OF JOKE: > > Stylized diagrams of industrial processes, like you find in the Random > House Encyclopedia or Diagram Group books, often represent things like > radioactive steam or molten steel or petroleum fractions with patterns > that look like chocolate jimmies. In the Museum of Science "interactive" > versions, these same things are represented with polarized light tricks > that make the jimmies shimmer and boil. > > "Find the Manometer" is in the "Fluidica" exhibit, where you can also > learn that a beach ball can be made to levitate mysteriously by means > of a string. You forgot the part about standing in front of the case filled with streams of blue liquid and yelling "I HAVTA GO TO THE BAFROOM!" You also forgot to explain that "Houston, we've had a problem" was an obvious misquote from "Apollo 13". I don't know how you missed that gaffe! I bet you couldn't even land the 800 megabuck lander in the Atari game right in front of the actual spaceship from the 23rd century with "lightspeed-cubed" drive, said exhibit proving that in the future all spaceships will be made out of recycled household objects from the 1990s! -- K. Also, you missed the chance to avoid explaining everything by simply claiming I really AM insane. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: [News] AOL'er Discovers 'Real' Internet, WWW Date: Thu, 3 Aug 2000 09:06:25 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "And knowing is half the battle." (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > In Phoghkeepsie, Ohio, 19 year old Andrew Johnson made an error in the > URL box and discovered 'the real internet'. Hey, don't make fun of any President who was impeached where Altoids weren't involved! Only make fun of impeached Presidents who like to deny they had sex because there was a mouthful of mints between him and her! > [...] > > Andrew then displayed what he meant. Theonion.com, which is to AOL users, > a humor site, was really a hard core pornographic site. Whitehouse.gov > is filled with images of Jerry Lewis licking a tomator. And IRC is filled > with scientists discussing the Fermat's Last Theorem. YOU WILL LICK THE TOMATOR FROM PLANET ZERO OR BE SUBJECT TO RETROACTIVE DISINTEGRATION, PUNY EARTH HUMANS FROM THE SOLAR SYSTEM YOU CALL "THE SOLAR SYSTEM". YOU HAVE ONE EARTH HOUR OR POINT SEVEN THREE EARTH BLEEMS TO LICK THE TOMATOR. RESISTANCE IS USELESS. CAPACITANCE IS ONLY SLIGHTLY USEFUL. LICK THE TOMATOR OR FACE IMMEDIATE AND TOTAL ANNIHLATION AND TORTURE. -- K. TOBOR IS TOMATOR SPELLED SIDEWAYS TOBOR IS TOMATOR SPELLED SIDEWAYS TOBOR IS TOMATOR SPELLED SIDEWAYS TOBOR IS TOMATOR SPELLED SIDEWAYS TOBOR IS TOMATOR SPELLED SIDEWAYS ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dead lizard triggers mass recall of Japanese canned corn Date: Fri, 4 Aug 2000 02:58:37 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com l'AFP wrote: > > TOKYO, Aug 3 (AFP) - A dead Thai wall lizard has triggered a > mass recall of 26,000 cans of baby corn in Japan, officials said > here Thursday. > The four-centimeter (1.5 inch) reptile crept into a can of corn > packed by Thai Pan Asia Co. Ltd. and died before its discovery by a > shocked housewife in the central Japanese city of Suzuka. Damn! It wasn't supposed to die until AFTER! > "She opened it on July 5 only to find a dead wall lizard in the > can," said regional Shizuoka prefecture health official Hidenori Ishii. "only"? What, did it eat all the corn? > The housewife then phoned the Japanese importer, food firm > Shimizu Shokuhin Kaisha (SSK), to complain, he said. > "But an official at the company's customer center just asked her > whether the lizard was alive or dead. She got furious and reported > the case to a local health center." I wonder what their customer relations department's book of scripts says to tell the customers who say the lizard is still alive. > The Japanese firm was recalling 26,000 cans distributed to > supermarkets in the area, said SSK customer center official Shuntaro > Sujaku. > SSK sent staff to Thailand to investigate, he added. > "For us, it was unheard of," Sujaku said. > "We have pinned down the cause and submitted a report to the > authorities saying that this will never happen again." > An automatic can sealer at the Thai plant had to be halted for > mechanical repairs, he said. > "We understand the wall lizard sneaked into the can while the > machine was shut down." > The company apologised for the incident, Sujaku said. "We will > do our best to restore our credibility. We have no excuse. " I don't know about you, but I'm going to the Chinese supermarket as soon as possible, before the canned lizards are all dead. -- K. You like Del Monte Creamed Corn, you'll love Del Monte Lizarded Corn! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Your Criminals At Work. Date: Mon, 7 Aug 2000 21:55:00 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Seen on the APBNews Web site: -> -> Stolen Items Were Eyeballs, Not Lobsters -> Thief Allegedly Thought He Swiped Seafood -> -> Aug. 7, 2000 -> -> MASHANTUCKET, Connecticut (AP) -- A Massachusetts man is charged with -> stealing two human corneas that were donated to be transplanted. -> -> Charles Dellaria, 37, was arrested inside the Foxwoods Resort Casino with -> the corneas, which belonged to the New England Eye and Tissue Transplant -> Bank in Boston. Police said they had been stolen from a bus station in -> Boston along with the donor's medical records, which also were recovered. -> -> Dellaria told state police that he thought the plastic foam package -> holding the corneas on ice was filled with lobsters, State police -> Detective Jeff Megin said. The package was about the size of a 12-pack -> beer container. Yeah, you can get a whole ten dollars' worth of live lobsters into one of those. -> "I think that it was just a crime of opportunity. I don't believe he's -> involved in any type of stolen human body part ring," Megin said. "He -> thought they were lobsters." Maybe they were LOBSTER CORNEAS! -> Dellaria was charged Friday with larceny and possession of cocaine, heroin -> and drug paraphernalia and was scheduled to appear in court today. Which surprises me less... ...that they would ship parts of corpses through the local bus station... ...that people would be dealing drugs in the local bus station... ...or that the guy through the best place to fence dead eyeball parts would be in a casino? -- K. I forgot to make fun of the name "Mashantucket", which sounds like something transvestites would do. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Horrifying concept I should exploit. Date: Mon, 7 Aug 2000 22:15:18 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp I recently saw a nightclub whose sign said EROTIC HYPNOTIC SAT Just think how many Number Two pencils I will sell to the youth of America when I introduce my Erotic Hypnotic S.A.T. -- K. And I'd get Charles Nelson Reilly to write all the questions. "blank is to BLANK as blank is to BLANKETY-BLANK!!!"