Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Totally serious most absolutely important question ever. Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2000 20:47:15 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | | | Does anyone here know any living person who likes the taste of Moxie? | | | | | | If so, please ask them why. | | | | | +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ -- K. If you've never had Moxie, mix equal parts Listerine, Angostura bitters, and hydrogen peroxide, then try to drink it and fail miserably, then run around screaming and then scrub out the inside of your mouth with a wire-bristle brush. It's THAT bad. I just tried drinking some in Maine while standing next to the rotting carcass of a harbor seal, and I think the seal smelled better than the Moxie tasted. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.philosophy.debate,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: "Dumbded Down" scientific model of God Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2000 21:48:32 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In alt.philosophy.debate, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > Subject: "Dumbded Down" scientific model of God Cubey, if anyone's going to dumb down science, you're the best qualified. BY THE WAY, IN CASE YOU CAN'DT TELL, I JUST CALLED YOU DUMBD, YOU BOZDO. > Mycos wrote: > > > > George, Can't you at least give us a "dumbed down" sketchy outline of > > God. No, I didn't mean a stickman or something but, well, you know > > what I mean. > > OK, Mycos... I'm trusting you here... you sound like a sincere > intelligent person who is actually interested.. rather than an > argumentative kook... so I'll respond to your request. > Of course there is a simple or "dumbded down.. stick model" > type explanation of this theory.. but only an intelligent, > constructive person can benefit from it.. it's not going to work > in a crowd of hecklers, which is what I'm up against generally. I like how you were careful to show off your new spelling of "dumbed down" TWICE even after Mycos demonstrated how it's spelled by sane people. > [...skipping some blather...] > > OK, what are these two curves? The "Secular Trend" is the well known > increase in human height, weight, strength, brain growth, intelligence, > etc. that has been documented over the past 100 years. You forgot age. A lot of people got older over the past 100 years. > Legend has it that it was first discovered when people noticed in museums > that no modern man could fit into a Mediaeval suit of armor, because we > are too big. So they were all shorter than Billy Barty? > [...] > > Now, as far as "God" is concerned... the important thing about curve > 2 is that it shows clearly that NO ONE'S BRAIN IS FULLY GROWN...!!! Actually, yours is OVERgrown. Have you considered mowing the crabgrass? > [...] > > How does it cause God? That's simple. If 15% of your brain is > missing.. obviously you can only "see" 85% of REALITY. That's assuming that there's only 100% of reality! MY theory says that we see 100% of reality but that's only A THIRD of it! God lives in the other 200%, which smells like bacon. NOBODY WITHOUT A TRIPLE-SIZE CUBICAL BRAIN CAN TRULY SMELL BACON! > [...] > > As you can see, this discovery proves that "God is real" and that > "God is a definite measurable physical force" and it also proves that > the philosophical notion that "God is an idea" is absolutely provably > flat out WRONG. Maybe you should just cut to the chase and prove that there's no such thing as wrongness and then people would stop making fun of your bozo ideas, or better yet, prove there's no such thing as ideas and then you'd be able to say, "Ha ha! You're trying to make fun of my stupid ideas even though my stupid ideas don't exist!" -- K. If you have trouble understanding the parts where I insinuated that you were dumb I can go back and repost this with more D's. Idf you have troudble underdstanding the pardts where I insinuadted thadt you were dumbd I can go badck and repodst thids width modre D's.d ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.philosophy.debate,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: "Dumbded Down" scientific model of God Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2000 07:19:33 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.philosophy.debit George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > Julian Jaynes (jjaynes@psych.princeton.edu) wrote: > > > > George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > > > > > That's the operating assumption. It looks like I may win the > > > election for dumbmeister of the scientific proof of God by default. > > > At lest no one is interested in running against me from the look of it. > > > > I can whip your sorry ass and I've been dead for three years. > > You're so stupid you couldn't imitate Benny Hill Hey, George, is it true that you used to like Benny Hill until someone told you he was only PRETENDING to break wind? However, I'm glad to know you're so smart that you can imitate Benny Hill. -- K. And I know that Chaplin, Laurel and Hardy, and Buster Keaton were also smart, because they kept doing Benny Hill's comedy routines. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.philosophy.debate,alt.philosophy,alt.psychology.personality,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: "Dumbded Down" scientific model of God Date: Mon, 21 Aug 2000 03:11:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: sci.cubey In alt.philosophy.debate, alt.philosophy, alt.psychology.personality, and sci.physics, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > [...] > > I'm asking you formally Herr Austrianatheist, I want to talk to > German Science about this... I'm a physicist and half my college > professors were Weimar German scientist refugees from Gottingen. > The Gaussian school of science should have something of relevance > to say about this. How about acting as ambassodor? I think you should talk to Archimedes Plutonium about that proposition. (I don't know about the amb, but he sure has the assodor.) You and he should get along fine. Just lend him your ear for some of his biology experiments. > PS: My German is very bad... they will have to speak English to me. > I only talk to people publicly, no private conversations.. ask them > to post to me on this News Group. You want everyone in the world to post their opinion of you here where we can all see it, because you can't bear to be insulted in private...? Once again, your logic astounds me. Or would if it were logic. The crispness of your logic is like a Rice Krispies Treat made with Jell-O instead of Rice Krispies. > I'm not shy.. tell them to take any line of approach they see fit. > As discoverer of the world's first scientific proof of God, > I haven't met a man that could insult me yet. That's because you don't have private conversations, pinhead. -- K. Hey, are you that guy who keeps writing to Dear Dotti? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 'Survivor' Spin-Off May Involve Mir Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2000 23:07:41 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Attention, Kibologists from NASA -- The Associated Press reported: > > > > > > The reality-TV game show rage may climax with the winning contestant > > > in a similar series [to "Survivor"] blasting off for a stay aboard > > > Russia's Mir space station. > > This is disappointing. I was hoping for a Survivor-like show where they > shove 15 people into Mir, and every week they vote for who gets pushed > out through the airlock. We all knew that someday there would have to be a TV show which would exploit the hip catchphrase "Space the breeding males!" But I always figured it would be on Lifetime or one of the all-gay channels, like Pax. I forget what piece of bad sci-fi "Space the breeding males!" came from. Can anyone identify the catch phrase? (Cathphrase identification is an important skill in our modern society. And if you don't like shouting meaningless catchphrases, then SIT ON IT!) > It could have lots of "real" footage of the people living there, > mainly consisting of people kicking each other in the face by mistake > because they haven't gotten any zero-g training. And they'd all break their wrists twenty times a day whenever they tried to stop themselves from crashing into the rapidly rotating wall. > And they could have all sort of competitions, like fighting for space > suits during decompression, and putting out fires in the power cables. And "Who can use the least oxygen for the next 72 hours?" I just hope nobody rips off my idea and just changes the Russian space station to a Russian nuclear submarine. > THIS is a good idea. > > > BAD IDEA. VERY BAD IDEA. That's a badder idea than letting > > Roger Corman make a sequel to "Citizen Kane". It's a badder idea > > than McDonalds announcing that from now on their hamburgers will > > contain _live_ banana slugs. It's even a badder idea than Steve Jobs > > naming a new computer "iHitler". > > Unlike MY idea, which is totatlly space-o-riffic. Your idea is Hitleriffic. -- K. SPACE THE A3 DEER! SO MUCH CATCHPHRASE IT IS ALL OVER YOU SCREEN! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Baffled Cones Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2000 23:23:26 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David Bromage (dbromage@fang.omni.com.au) wrote: > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > [on lab equipment with kinky names] > > > > All phrases starting with "rubber" sound better in German. > > My favourite word from The Longest Day: Gummipuppen. There's a nice FAQ at www.gummipuppen.de which explains: -> Was ist der Unterschied zwischen einer Lustmuschie und einer Puppe ? -> -> Eine Lustmuschie, wie wir sie nennen, besteht aus einem "wabbeligen" -> Gummi und sieht in jeder Hinsicht sehr naturgetreu aus. Wir bieten -> Lustmuschies, die original nach den Vorlagen berŸhmter Pornostars -> gefertigt wurden. Dies bedeutet, da§ tatsŠchlich ein Abdruck vom -> entsprechenden Star gemacht wurde. Eine Lustmuschie mu§ nicht -> aufgeblasen werden. Eine Puppe, mu§ hingegen aufgeblasen werden. I think "Lustmuschie" is an even better word. Especially when you consider that the brat on "Battlestar Galactica" was always nattering about how much he loved "mushies". (He even trained his robotic chimp in the rubber puppy suit to smell them out in the second of the two completely different scripts titled "Fire In Space".) So, if we could just nail "Battlestar Galactica" vocabulary to German sex-shop lingo, we'd have something even cooler than if Fonzie spoke Orkan. "Ayyy! Gummishazbot!" -- K. "Eine Lustmuschie mu§ nicht aufgeblasen werden." is something Jack Benny said in that movie where he played Hitler. (Then Churchill blew up Hitler's Lustmuschie.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Baffled Cones Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2000 23:39:48 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [on the word "gummipuppen"] James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > There's a nice FAQ at www.gummipuppen.de which explains: > > -> Eine Lustmuschie mu§ nicht aufgeblasen werden. > -> Eine Puppe, mu§ hingegen aufgeblasen werden. Another worthwhile quote, from gummipuppen.web1000.com: -> Achtung!!! Die Puppe "Brigitte Sex Doll" (eigentlich meine aktuelle -> "Lieblingspuppe") wird vom Vertreiber (ZBF) teilweise mit neuem" -> Inhalt geliefert! Die QualitŠt dieser "neuen", aus China stammenden -> Puppe ist wesentlich schlechter als die bisherige Puppe (von TAC SHING -> aus Hong Kong)!! Man kann es erkennen ohne die Puppe aus der -> Plastik-Verpackung zu nehmen: die normalerweise aufgedruckten Schamhaare -> sind als "Tatoo-Aufkleber" in einem TŸtchen in der TŸte beigelegt. -> Au§erdem sind die Titten knochenhart und die Puppe ist "orangener". It also says the same thing in English: -> Warning! The "Brigitte Sex Doll" is currently shipped with an -> other doll inside! The original product from TAC SHING, HONG KONG -> is replaced with a doll from china with a much lower quality -> (with her boobs you can almost bring nails into the wall) -- -> If your local shop allows to look inside the box (without opening -> the plastic bag that contains the doll) you can easily find out -> what the deal is like: if there is a "hair tatoo sticker" packed -> in a tiny plastic bag inside the bag -- and the body of the doll -> is more orange then pink -- you know it is the "new" product. I'm baffled the fact that in China they think that sexy people are the color of traffic cones AND THE THREAD HAS NOW COME FULL CIRCLE! I WIN! -- K. Other people's sex toys are funny! Not mine, though. There is nothing funny about my spanking machine shaped like Ronald McDonald! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: royalty Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 00:05:47 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > Just who exactly is the King of Nectarines, and why is he putting little > numbered stickers all over my fruit? Apricot Asparagusium, The King Of Nectarines And Jujubes But Not The Candy Kind, is touring the country leaving little stickers wherever he goes, and also on nectarines. The King Of Nectarines is married to Queen Nectarine who only got the job because her name rhymed, at least once she learned how to pronounce "Nectarine" correctly, because before they she pronounced "nectarine" so it rhymed with "urine" and nobody likes fruit to rhyme with that. The King Of Nectarines is a sort of modern-day Johnny Appleseed, only instead of making trees sprout in the middle of your lawn to ruin it forever he just puts stickers on other people's fruit, and the stickers are stuck on with a horse-derived glue that tastes horsier than most other glues. As to the reason the stickers are numbered, this is because some people like to eat their fruit in the correct order. Next question? -- K. I forgot to work the word "phloem" into this article, so I'll just mention that it rhymes with "meow" spelled backwards. Write that down! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Windows boot up screens at airports Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 00:21:27 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "michael holmes" (jmichael38@nospam.earthlink.net) wrote: > > "And knowing is half the battle." (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > > I've heard more then a few times how airport droids expect a Windows > > bootup screen on your laptop or you ain't going nowhere. Anyone know > > of any stories where an unsuspecting Linux fan had to explain the > > reality of computers to airport people? I wanna know. > > This isn't exactly what you asked, but I was flying out of the planet > Houston once, [...] > This was the same airport (Hobby) where my hiking boots once set off > the metal detector. I turned around and said, "I think it's my boots," > and the guy said, "OK, bye." Sweet jeezoid, I have never tried to wear my boots through the metal detector without getting a thorough patting-down and an over-the-clothes pass with the Violet Wand. Sometimes they even squeeze my boots (while I'm in 'em) to make sure I don't have any tiny machine guns hidden inside my socks, although they would miss any really _soft_ tiny machine guns. They also don't let me take off my boots before going through the detector, because that would save valuable time as well as ruining all their fun. (Most airport guards took the job because they like touching people all over, and especially squeezing their feet.) I still haven't told you guys what happened to me trying to go through customs in Toronto, but that'll get posted sometime. As far as computers go, the only time I've had to actually show them that my computer is a computer and not a very expensive bomb (although in the case of certain Powerbooks that's a moot point) was going into the Department Of State's regional office. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten to leave any interesting pictures on the screen before I put the computer to sleep on the way over, so they just looked at my plain white windows on a light blue background and waved me through. I really want to go back with an extreme closeup of Ronald McDonald's face with blood dripping from his fangs, or something, to see the reaction. -- K. Or maybe I'll let Mike O. want to do that instead. It's not like it matters which one of us doesn't actually go through with it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Windows boot up screens at airports Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 00:29:06 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Richard E. Nickle (rick@trystero.com) wrote: > > > > In fact, the SECURITY ALERT at all of the airports in the United States > > seems to use the mouldering pretext of the DANGEROUS SITUATION AT LAGOS > > NIGERIA in order to maintain a martial atmosphere at the airports so > > that fascist behavior is tolerable from anybody in a uniform, including > > baggage handlers and possibly organ grinders. > > The last time I was in the Boise airport, the woman at the security > checkpoint kept telling me to stop dumping all of my metallic possessions > into the little box because it was a waste of my time. "You don't have to > do that HERE!" > > I was used to the situation at Boston, where about half the time I can't > even get through the detector that way, because of my belt buckle. Well, yeah. This is because they know that all people with huge belt buckles are dangerous inbred cracker hicks who go around stereotyping people! > But even in Boise, they keep swabbing my bag. I think they do that > everywhere in the US now. Matt gets his bag swabbed on every streetcorner. > "ATTENTION IN THE TERMINAL. ATTENTION IN THE TERMINAL. > A NEWSPAPER HAS BEEN LEFT AT THE SECURITY CHECKPOINT." > > - Actual announcement that I have heard at the Boise > airport on TWO separate occasions. I wonder what they would have said if it had been _USA Today_ instead of a newspaper. -- K. Also, why does _The Christian Science Monitor_ still have a reputation for being a real newspaper? It's three pages of super-sketchy TV news-style headlines, plus one page about how you can tell Jesus to make your severed arm grow back. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Judge Issues Prison Cell Key Order Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 01:02:52 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com The Associated Press reported: > > SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- Lawyers for a woman who tried to > assassinate President Gerald Ford in 1975 persuaded a federal judge > to block a prison warden from taking away inmates' cell keys. > The Federal Correctional Institution in Dublin, the low-level > security prison where Sara Jane Moore is serving a life sentence, > is the nation's only federal women's prison that allows inmates to > lock their own cells. > Inmates are prevented from escaping by an outer perimeter, and > officials have keys to enter the cells. > Attorneys for Moore, 72, who shot at but missed President Ford, > said taking the keys away would leave her susceptible to theft and > attacks from other inmates. Yes, because if she can't lock her own door then obviously the guards won't lock it for her. Duhhhh!!! Also, why do they allow these people to have anything worth stealing to begin with? -- K. Also, is the "outer perimeter" far from either the central perimeter or the external core? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: USDA Testing Pork Safety Program Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 01:10:11 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com For the Associated Press, Philip Brasher wrote: > > WASHINGTON (AP) -- The days of the chewy pork chop may soon be over. WAAH! > Americans for years have been overcooking pork out of fear of > trichinosis -- unaware that improved production practices virtually > have eliminated the disease-causing worm from U.S. hogs. > The Agriculture Department is now testing a program for > certifying pigs as trichinae-free that could be a model for > controlling other parasites and food-borne pathogens such as E. > coli and salmonella. > [...] > The next certification program is likely to target toxoplasma, a > parasite that cats can spread to hogs, said Gamble, the USDA > scientist. Toxoplasma is the reason pregnant women are advised not > to empty litter boxes. So, by the time the kid is born, the cat's made a nine-month-high pile of poo? THAT'S JUST GROSS! I'M GONNA WRITE TO THE INTERNET'S OWNER AND HAVE THE ASSOCIATED PRESS'S ACCOUNT SHUT OFF! > [...] > Pork should still be cooked to 160 degrees to guard against > harmful microbes, according to the government, but it does not have > to be well-done. > Pork is best when some pink is left in the center EWW! NO! CRUNCHY! CRUNCHY! THINK ABOUT THE BACON! > and will still have its natural juices at 160 degrees, according to the > pork council. What if we don't WANT "natural juices" spraying from our meat in all directions as we bite into a squishy piece of magenta meat? Properly-cooked pork should be the color of a White Castle patty and the texture of beef jerky. And the flavor of burnt pork. -- K. Bacon should shatter, not stretch. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Bingo huh? Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 01:28:16 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > You have not seen truly scary until you have seen the "bingo minder," > which will happily play 300 cards at once for you, and signal you with > a musical tune when you win. And by playing 300 one-dollar cards, you increase your chances of winning that $200 prize! > I was recently in a federal courtroom in San Francisco, arguing against a > team of government attorneys about the appropriate federal definition of > bingo. (Yes, Virginia, there is a federal definition of bingo. See > 25 U.S.C. 2703(7)(A)(i).) I am now the nation's leading authority under > the age of 35 on the subject of federal regulation of bingo. I agree, Bingo The Ground Round Clown must be punished for his perverted actions, including that stunt he did where he cut the hole in the bottom of the basket of stale popcorn. Now you know why they put one of those baskets on each table, and why you really don't want to reach into one. -- K. At Ground Round, kids pay what they weigh... nude! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Liverwort! Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 02:32:47 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I'd just like you all to know that I have found an actual live specimen of liverwort and have successfully transplanted it into my bedroom. It looks roughly like someone ran a brussel sprout through a blender and then dropped a spoonful of sprout pureŽ onto a baking sheet from a height of a million miles, and then ran over it with a steamroller. In other words, it looks quite healthy as liverwort goes. I wonder if it's edible? -- K. And how much liver is in it? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Where the HELL is my Remarq! Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 02:54:05 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com rob_lomax@my-deja.com wrote: > > When I turned on my computer this morning and attempted to open my > (more or less) trusty Remarq reader, I discovered that it has been > Assimilated by some goitbag company who want to charge me for reading > a.r.k.!!!!! Oh, jeez. Okay, we can stop complaining about Remarq putting adds for other people's products in the middle of every sentence we type, now that Remarq has (a) just ceased to exist as a brand name and (b) now costs money to look at. > I WANT MY REMARQ BACK! I'M AS MAD AS HELL AND IF I COULD FIGURE OUT A > WAY OF NOT TAKING IT ANY MORE I WOULDN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE! You know, there are people willing to pay for *good* Usenet access. Of course, "good" does not mean "through a Web browser", but here in the US there are a lot of Internet providers that have pretty good Usenet feeds for about $20-$25 per month (I don't know how the prices compare in Australia. You are in Australia, right?) Or you could take a job at an Internet service provider. Then you'd even get to decide which groups to get and for how long the articles would stick around. (A good way to compare the quality of different Usenet providers, by the way, is to look at how old the oldest a.r.k article there is -- that tells you how many days they keep them for -- and also compute how many articles per day they've been receiving, to see if they get as many or fewer than other sites. I get about 238 articles per day, and they stick around for seven days.) > As my kibological bretheren can see, I'm posting using dejanews, which > I'm finding clunky and awkward. I do not, as you can see, handle change well. That's what the customers at the McDonalds keep telling me. They're tired of fishing their change out of their hot coffee, and the way you keep saying, "I didn't put it on a tray because you said 'for HERE', not 'for the tables over there'!" > Can anyone recommend any good readers that aren't likely to become > Assimilated in the near future? Deja's olive green and electric purple > colour scheme hurts my eyes and clashes vilely with my office decor. And DejaNews still can't decide how many hours per month they're going to switch on their computer that does Usenet. I'll do my best to get my Web-based interface to a.r.k deployed (in "read-only" state because I haven't done the posting parts yet) within the week. It's a little bare (and like I said, you can't post through it _yet_) but with just a few quick touch-ups it'll be ready for you guys to play with -- it works so far as far as "show me the list of all recent a.r.k articles sorted by date/subject/author", "show me this article", "show me the next article", etc. Also it doesn't remember which articles you've read, it ain't threaded, and the filtering's turned off but I know I'll need to implement .newsrcs for each visitor before I can start adding the fancy features that will eventually turn it from a fairly basic way to look at a.r.k into as close as I can get a Web-based thing to being a really powerful newsreader (i.e. one with really elaborate and _fancy_ filtering.) So, I'll drop the other stuff I'm working on in my spare time (except for a certain Spot story I need to finish this week due to a different time constraint) and try to get my thingy where you can use it. Also don't forget that I post weekly batches of all my most recent ramblings at http://www.kibo.com/rawdata ...which reminds me, I have to go upload this week's batch now. Anyway, stay tuned for announcements later this week. -- K. I wish I had a staff. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Where the HELL is my Remarq! Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2000 06:15:39 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I wish I had a staff. > > Wouldn't that be cool. You could use it to hit your disciples when > they're not enlightened enough, and it would give you more of a presence, > so to speak. "Bring me my smiting staff!" "We're all out! You broke the last one over the head of Lorne Michaels!" "Well, then, get thee to the smiting store!" "They're closed because you declared that there were eight Sabbaths a week." "DAMMIT! Now I'll have to plug in the smiting machine!" ...and then the apprentice was enlightened, and videotapes of the incident were sold on eBay. > The staff should preferably be made from some sort of ancient tree > branch, so it's twisted and weathered enough. And it should have a little plastic seagull with a pin as its only leg stuck in one end, and a tiny plastic lobster glued to the other end, and a lampshade covering the part that's been turned into a pretty lamp. -- K. Couldn't I just smite people with manna custard pies? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Where the HELL is my Remarq! Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 22:41:36 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, we can stop complaining about Remarq putting adds for > > other people's products in the middle of every sentence we type, now > > that Remarq has (a) just ceased to exist as a brand name and > > (b) now costs money to look at. > > And if you like having links inserted into everything you > read, you're going to LOOOOOVE the service touted in this > press release I saw last week: > > http://biz.yahoo.com/prnews/000807/ca_nbci_pa.html > > Note that the service is called "flyswat." What a perfect > name for a continual annoyance. Flyswat is a new service related to Snap.com which are both owned by NBC which is owned by General Electric. This gadget called Flyswat is a program you install in Microsoft Windows and then it draws yellow underlines under every noun on your screen. I don't mean just when you're reading pages from Remarq.com. I mean when you're reading ANY Web page. Or your word processor. Or looking at your checkbook. It's an implementation of the Remarq-style "sponsored links" concept at the SYSTEM level, so it's always there piddling out its little yellow underlines all over everything you see. They even have a PATENT on the concept of turning other people's words into ads for someone other company's Web site. Their on-line demo mockup explains that the underlines are called "flycons" and are yellow. But the rest of their Web site says they're yellow-green. It also says: -> Note: flyswat works in all browsers (Netscape, IE, Neoplanet, etc) -> when you alt-click on any word. This is because everyone has Microsoft Windows, a mouse, and an Alt key. Even the people using Lynx or WebTV. They don't seem to have figured out a way to explain to us why we might ever WANT to install a piece of software which fills our screen with ads all the time. It doesn't do anything except put links to on-line catalogs around every noun you will ever read again. They call themselves "the world's first word-activated infomediary." Of course, "infomediary" wasn't underlined because IT'S NOT A WORD! And, of course, as it's retrieving information from the Flyswat.com server about where to insert the links into whatever page you're viewing, this means that if you're looking at a page which says "I like blennies", it's sending a message to Flyswat's headquarters saying "WHAT LINKS SHOULD I SHOW FOR THIS GUY WHO IS LOOKING AT A PAGE WHICH SAYS 'I LIKE BLENNIES'?" So, just think of the junk mail you're going to get after you accidentally look at a porno site. There's a lot of baloney on the site about how they only identify each Flyswat user by a random number and so that mountain of data about what sites person #8964760954 visited can't be used for evil purposes because there's no way they can figure out who #8964760954 is, but it's obvious to me that it would be trivial to do so, given that the thing reads the same stuff you do. In other words, if you're looking at a whole lot of Hotmail.com pages which say "To: potsie@world.std.com" at the top, they'll know exactly who you are! The whole concept is that if you're reading a Web site, they assert that you'd obviously rather (a) tell Flyswat what you're looking at and (b) be able to click on links generated by the advertising company that didn't have anything to do with creating that page instead of just USING THE LINKS THE PERSON WHO MADE THE PAGE PUT ON THAT PAGE. In short, I think there is nothing good, useful, or even trustworthy about Flyswat in any way. There is no way in hell that I would allow this thing to sink its hooks into my operating system (so that it could put those "flycons" in all text windows) given that it would probably mess up the computer, would spy on me, and its purpose in life is something I would never want to begin with. Why should I bend over backwards to let them advertise to me and deface other people's Web pages? My favorite sentence on the Flyswat Web site: -> We would like to assure you there is no virus in flyswat -> and no threat to your computer. THERE IS NO CAUSE FOR ALARM! FLYSWAT IS YOUR FRIEND! FLYSWAT IS NOT THERE TO CREATE DISORDER, FLYSWAT IS THERE TO PRESERVE DISORDER! Here's what I said about Flyswat's parent corporation (Snap.com, aka NBC) two years ago when they first began their advertising blitz, back when I was reviewing Web sites for The World's newsletter: => ====================================================================== => Today on The World Vol. 4 #245 Wednesday, October 7, 1998 => ====================================================================== => => URL: Snap (NBC's Web index) => => http://www.snap.com => => I've started seeing commercials for this new Web "search engine" => offered by NBC. => => First, it's not a Web search engine. It's a human-compiled Web => index, like Yahoo!, with sites broken down into categories => (exactly like Yahoo!) with short descriptions typed in by someone. => (There are links at the bottom of the pages to AltaVista, Excite, => InfoSeek, Lycos, etc., which shows you what they expect you to => think of www.snap.com as a searcher.) => => Second, they don't have much yet (because people presumably have => to type in descriptions of everything on the Web -- it took Yahoo! => years to become as comprehensive as it is. Presumably Snap's => categories will get deeper and broader over the next few years. => At the moment, for instance, "News Services" has 15 entries, => "Internet Humor" has 34, "Government: Military: US" has 12 (not => counting sub-categories), etc., a fraction of what Yahoo! offers. => => Third, the query language for searching their categories isn't => very well-implemented. For instance, entering a search for "the" => or "a" yields 25 pages of random results. "the cat", "a cat", and => "cat" yield different results. => => And most importantly, why do all the categories about entertainment => always float to the top of the results returned by NBC's site? => (Does AltaVista list DEC first? Does WebCrawler list AOL first?) => I'm not saying that Snap.Com always lists NBC's sites first, but => when there are a large number of results it appears to bias towards => putting all the "Entertainment"-categorized sites at the top. => => Snap is very fast (probably because it's new enough not to get as => many hits as AltaVista, etc., or maybe because its database is => still small). It also has local links -- type in your ZIP code to => get weather, lottery results, movie listings, etc. It only knows => about one Boston radio station (guess whether or not it's the NBC => one), and had only two links under "Boston City Government". The => link for TV listings sent me to a non-existent page at Gist.Com. => (Most of the locally-oriented links redirect you to other sites.) => Note that, when you enter your ZIP code for local items, you will => get different results with different local ZIP codes -- shouldn't => 02120 and 02116 get the same listings under the assumption that => city ZIP codes are small enough that you might be willing to go => more than three or four blocks in any direction? Also, it claims => The World (02446) is in a non-existent ZIP code. => => I don't expect Snap's web directory to be as comprehensive as => Yahoo!'s from the moment of inception, but I'm not sure how long => it'll take to earn my trust given that it's owned by a content => provider. => => (kibo) I should really start a "WEB SITES I HATE, AND WHY" column. -- K. Do any of you guys run a newspaper with a blank page in every issue? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dreams, dreams, dreams. Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 03:42:46 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > So what exactly does a nightmare about an evil presence that makes Post- > it notes disappear mean? It was fukken scary, too, but the only thing > that happened was that I was somewhere were evil made Post-it notes > vanish, or at least not stick to things. Wait... Post-It notes can stick to things? You must be in some weird climate that hasn't invented humidity yet... and you don't have any gravity. It must be weird up there where you live! > I had some dream about going to a party and meeting Stephen Will Tanner, > but that was kinda pointless. I swear that I mis-read that as "but that was about panties", so I thought that meant you dreamed that the evil presence made Stephen Will Tanner's panties disappear. I am now assuming that Stephen Will Tanner's disappearing panties went "BOINGGGG!!!" like whenever James Darren's spacesuit disappeared at the end of an episode of "The Time Tunnel". THE!!! TIME!!!! TUNNEL!!!! ____ ____ \ / "Stephen Will Tanner is lost \ / >< in a shifting maze of past and >< /__\ future ages without underwear!" /__\ I N C O L O R -- K. My brain makes up more interesting sentences than I can. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dead lizard triggers mass recall of Japanese potato chips Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 04:05:31 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com A week ago, I told you that l'AFP reported: -> -> Subject: Dead lizard triggers mass recall of Japanese canned corn Well, now they've written a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT article: > > Subject: Dead lizard triggers mass recall of Japanese potato chips See? It's completely different. It's not like they said "corn chips" or "canned potatoes". Canned corn and potato chips are as completely different as two lizard-infested Japanese grocery items can be. I wonder if the chips are the the Calbee brand ones I like. > TOKYO, Aug 12 (AFP) - A dead lizard has triggered a mass recall of > 62,000 bags of potato chips in Japan, an official said Saturday. > The lizard was discovered on August 9 by a woman in Tokyo when she > opened her bag of garlic butter flavored potato chips made by > Calbee Foods Co. Ltd., said Calbee spokesman Hirofumi Noine. DING DING DING DING! I haven't seen that particular flavor, though. Maybe after work tomorrow I'll have time to go to Yoshinoya or the Super 88 before they get rid of the ones with the free lizard. At the moment the closest substitute I have here is a bag of Beano, which are green curly puffs made from deep-fried peas and about ten pounds of MSG. They have so much MSG they make your hair hurt. "Green peas are the product of young, immature peas." -- the Beano bag > "She called us that day to let us know there was the dead lizard in the > potato chips. We could not believe it at first," Noine said. > The lizard was 15 centimeters (six inches) long, the Kyodo News agency > said. The spokesman could not confirm the report. > "In addition to the lizard, she told us there were three feces by the > lizard in the bag. We confirmed that too," the spokesman said. How does one confirm which particular lizard made which feces? Are feces barcoded? I bet they do that in Japan. > "We suspected the lizard had been alive for a while in the bag." Unless lizards can poop after they're DEAD! I think Godzilla can. > Calbee started recalling 62,000 bags of the same potato chips > manufacturered on July 11 at its plant in Saitama, 50 kilometers (30 miles) > west of Tokyo, the spokesman said. I'm glad they're recallering the stuff they manufacturererered before they get lawsuitered. > The 62,000 bags were distributed to Tokyo and its three neighboring > prefectures. The company also shut down the Saitama plant. > "We have yet to determine how the lizard crept into the bag," > the spokesman said. Probably while it was open. > "We are very sorry for having created inconvenience to our customers." > Calbee is a well known brand name, noted for its potato chips. Their mascot is a very embarassed potato who has just been elected mayor. He has scribbly blush marks on his cheeks, a sash, and a straw had. Oh, and he's waving a finger in the air as he silently lectures you about the merits of living in a potatocracy. -- K. I hear that Calbee merged with Calpis and their new honey drink is Beepis. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dead lizard triggers mass recall of Japanese potato chips Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 20:50:32 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [a news service wrote:] > > > > > > The 62,000 bags were distributed to Tokyo and its three neighboring > > > prefectures. The company also shut down the Saitama plant. > > > "We have yet to determine how the lizard crept into the bag," > > > the spokesman said. > > > > Probably while it was open. > > Not necessarily; it could've been an Escher lizard, which got confused about > which side of the surface it was on before it rethreedimensionalized. I prefer Escher's planaria, which swim through endless three-dimensional Simplified T Mazes made from the tesselation of alternating tetrahedra and octahedra. (Regular octahedra, not the kind shaped like Canadian canned meatballs.) However, Escher doesn't seem to have known that you could slice up planaria with razor blades to make them regenerate tails and even _heads_, or slice their head down the middle to make a two-headed planarian. If he had known that planaria could be resculpted into even sillier shapes than they already are, he would have done some engravings of ones shaped like Mšbius strips swimming around inside a Klein bottle. He also never realized that he should have drawn some dirty pictures, with an infinite number of naked people having group sex in a finite hyperbolic space. But he never knew the erotic possibilities of curved space. He didn't know just how warped it was! But the planaria, yeah, Escher's planaria are cool. "Hey, Conan, Conan The Planarian! Where's your claimed ability to learn through cannibalism? Where's your Simplified T Maze?" -- K. The drivers on the #66 bus route would have trouble navigating a Simplified (T) Maze. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Chimps don chef hats, pulping fruits to change their texture Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 21:34:18 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Daniel Buettner (buettner@cse.unl.edu) wrote: > > > PARIS, Aug 16 (AFP) - Chimpanzees may not be able to make a > > fruit salad yet, but they have for the first time learned how to > > puree vegetables and fruit to change their taste and texture, the > > British magazine New Scientist is to report Saturday. > > I'll just beat Kibo to the punch and whet your appetite for -- > the rest... of the story. Okay, I'll go over to clari.living.bizarre and we'll all pretend I just found this article lying on the floor there with none of Daniel's sticky chocolate fingerprints all over it... [Kibo presses the "Open All References" key, then the "Followup" key, then "Cut" and then "Paste Quoted" to make it extra-indented, then he types this sentence at the top complaining about how much work he had to do when he discovered this article all by himself:] > > > > PARIS, Aug 16 (AFP) - Chimpanzees may not be able to make a > > fruit salad yet, but they have for the first time learned how to > > puree vegetables and fruit to change their taste and texture, the > > British magazine New Scientist is to report Saturday. No wonder Archimedes Plutonium lost his job in the Hanover Inn's kitchen. I'm sure chimps are willing to work as cheaply as him, and bite fewer people. > > Spanish primatologists observed a female chimp, who was brought > > to the Madrid university zoo in 1992 after the previous owner had > > her teeth removed to avoid being bitten. Ah, yes, monkeys are so much like us. Now let's rip out parts of their body for our convenience. After all, it's all right for us to mutilate our pets if they're going to try to get even with us for mistreating them. > > After one year, the zoo noticed that so she could eat apples, > > the toothless chimp rubbed the fruits against a sharp corner on her cage. So then they took away the sharp corner. The End. > > She then licked the puree off the wall. Hey! They plagiarized that sentence from alt.sex.stories! > > Six other chimpanzees began to imitate her, and today, the > > entire group, with the exception of the alpha male, female and an > > infant, are doing the same thing. Oh no! They're up to six! Just ninety-four more to go before the mysterious invisible undetectable nonexistent psychic waves cause all the chimps in the world to start mashing up all the apples in the world! > > Primatologist Samuel Fernandez-Carriba and two of his colleagues > > have watched the chimps for more than 450 hours pulping carrots, > > apples, lemons and oranges. That's not something I'd be bragging about in a newspaper. Of course, this isn't a real newspaper, it's l'AFP. > > Because the primates copied the action in a stereotypical > > manner, the scientists concluded that it was a "culturally > > transmitted ritual", Fernandez-Carriba said in New Scientist. A _culturally_ transmitted ritual as opposed to those rituals that are transmitted by mosquitoes. Doesn't "ritual" imply "culture"? Also, why did they have to watch the smelly chimps peeling fruit for FOUR HUNDRED FIFTY HOURS before realizing that monkeys can ape other monkeys? > > Scientists have known for years about primates' abilities to > > pass knowledge on to each other. For example, chimps use clever > > techniques to obtain food, such as fishing termites out of mounds > > with sticks. > > But Fernandez-Carriba said "these are not cases of > > transformation of food in a human way. So be wary of ads that brag "Our food is untouched by human hands!" You know, I keep hearing references to that advertising concept (presumably from the 1950s) but I've never seen an actual use in the wild. Maybe I should have been born earlier so that I could have made fun of the 1950s firsthand. I would have liked to have ridiculed the concept of television. "Nobody will ever watch television! I predict there is a world market for five television sets!" > > Transformation involves things like grinding and heating." I only perform affine transformations on my food. For instance, I turn those diamond-shaped pieces of baklava back into squares before I eat them. > > The rubbing transforms the texture and flavour of the food. "Mmm! Now it tastes like chimp sweat!" > > Since the chimps take time to prepare each dish, he said, they may > > get greater enjoyment from the result. > > It is unclear whether food transformation exists in the wild, he said. "The Food Transformers" was the worst children's cartoon show ever. Boys just didn't want to watch a show about a robot who could turn into a big pink blender. -- K. My electric hair clippers have an attachment labelled "BLENDER" which I refuse to try. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I saw the butt, Bob. Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 23:00:12 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > You know how, lately, the urban-legends community was in a furor > over the revelation that the "That'd be the butt, Bob" story related > to "The Newlywed Game" might actually have some basis in fact? > It has long been cited as one of the most oft-repeated > untrue stories about television shows -- right up there > with the story about Johnny Carson telling Zsa Zsa > Gabor that he'd pet her if she'd just move that > darned cat off her lap. They don't seem to have paid much attention to Larry Harmon (the original Bozo) telling _TV Guide_ that a kid actually did say "Cram it, clown!" on Boston's "Bozo" show (with Frank Avruch.) Alas, I've never seen that episode, although I've watched a lot of old black-and-white episodes of Boston's "Bozo" (they used to show it back-to-back with "Jabberwocky" and "Insight".) > The story, of course, goes that host Bob Eubanks asked > a couple on "The Newlywed Game" to name the weirdest > place they'd ever made whoopee, and the wife blurted out, > "That'd be the butt, Bob!" (Or, in some cases, "It be > the butt," or some such ethnic dialect variant.) > > After urban folklorists and others spent years refuting > this story, it came to light that there was once an > exchange on "The Newlywed Game" that was similar to what > is described in the story. You can read about it on the > Snopes urban legend site here: > > http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/newlywed.htm > > Well, anyway, without even warning me ahead of time, the > Game Show Network today reran that very episode, and I > can vouch for the story the Snopes site tells. While > the audio is cut, you can definitely read her lips well > enough to see her saying, "Is it in the ass???" right > before her husband and the audience start roaring with > laughter. And all this time I assume they were just laughing at the fact that the Olga's husband was wearing a pink shirt with a brown polyester leisure suit. > So there!! I've seen it! Email me for info on how you > can get to touch me now. What I find insteresting about this was that I've actually seen a presentation of the (allegedly) funniest and most (allegedly) risquŽ moments from the entire run of "The Newlywed Game", because their old producer now produces the live "Wheel Of Fortune" show I attended in Las Vegas. (They show Game Show Network clip tapes like that between rounds -- Games Show Network equals Sony Pictures, which produces Wheel Of Fortune.) In this clip-tape of "Newlywed Game" bozos there were people who talked about having "made whoopee" before being married, and the woman who estimated that she and her husband had "made whoopee" six thousand times since they were married a month ago, but, shockingly, there was NO MENTION WHATSOEVER of this other Benny-Hill-esque mildly naughty moment! I've always found it odd that they've been denying the existence of this clip because it is clearly the perfect moment that they were _striving_ for on "The Newlywed Game". I mean, when Bob Eubanks asked, "What's the weeeeeirdest place you've made whoopee?" they clearly expected, even desired, some sort of answer that would make twelve-year-olds giggle and the audience yell "WOOOOOOOOOO!" If the story weren't true, they should still permit it to float around, because it implies that the producers of "The Newlywed Game" managed to troll someone into saying something fiendishly dirty-dirty on TV, but having denied the story for so long, you're left with the impression that even the people who made "The Newlywed Game" are embarassed by the juvenile zaniness of their own program. -- K. Coming up next: What did Charles Nelson Reilly really put in Gene Rayburn's BLANK? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Evil Lowlifes Name Baby After Web Site Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 23:15:43 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp The Associated Press reported: > > Subject: Couple Names Baby After Web Site > > NEW YORK (AP) -- As participants in an Internet marketing > gimmick, a Kansas couple won $5,000 for naming their baby after a > Web site called the Internet Underground Music Archive. > Actually, the baby was named after the acronym for the Web site. > Iuma Dylan-Lucas weighed in at 8 pounds, 8 ounces, when he was born > in Hutchinson, Kan., to Jessica and Travis Thornhill last Friday. > Travis plays bass for a band that promotes itself on the Web site. Bitchin'! > ``My wife liked the idea because the child's grandma said this > baby would bring prosperity, Yeah, babies are worth a lot if you find the right buyer. > and this contest could be what she was talking about,'' he said. > ``Plus, the kid will have a cool story when he grows up.'' He'll be able to tell it to lots of psychiatrists. > Travis said he plans to put half of his winnings away for his > children's future (Iuma is their second son) and will use the other > half to pay off bills as he and his wife look to buy a home. Don't forget the kid's sex-change operation, given that "Iuma" is a GIRL'S name! > The company said there were three other entries into the > contest, but their names had not yet been confirmed. The Redwood > City, Calif., company will give prizes to up to ten babies named Iuma. > ``We're hoping that his name will one day be synonymous with > other odd-named rockstars, like Ringo Starr,'' said IUMA's Corky > Gainsford. Ha! I just named my baby "Iamabozoduhlookatmeiamstupidalsothisistheworstpossiblenameforarockstarduh", so when he grows up he'll be the oddest-named rock megastar ever! I win! Unless the rugrat doesn't become a famous heavy-metal guitarist. In which case, I'm going to add a few more "duh"s to his name as punishment! -- K. It's not child abuse, they were paid GOOD MONEY to give their child a random stupid-sounding name picked by a heartless Internet corporation which will be out of business before he's potty-trained! "Hooray! We just screwed up our baby's life for the price of a used car!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Evil Lowlifes Name Baby After Web Site Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2000 20:38:52 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Mike Dahmus (mdahmus@io.com) wrote: > > Plorkwort (asweinbe@midway.uchicago.edu) wrote: > > > > my name is fairly uncommon, albeit being used in a major motion picture > > several years back in a sickeningly cute manner. It comes from a play, a > > performance of which I attended a few weeks ago, and kept jumping > > everytime one of the actors adressed the character with my name. > > Jar-Jar? You know, the sad part is that there probably is some poor toddler named Jar Jar right now. After all, several rabid "Babylon 5" fans (the most common kind) named their daughters "Delenn", and think of the conversations they'll get to have with their kids: "See, honey, we named you after that bald, cross-eyed woman with a glowing triangle on her forehead, an artificially deepened voice, a Slavic accent." "Waah! Mommy, change my name to something less silly, like 'Babaloo'!" A dozen rabid "Babylon 5" fans will now post followups saying that Delenn's voice was only artificially masculinized in the first episode, and she was only bald for the first 23 episodes, before she became female. Given that there are people running around right now named "Babaloo", "Delenn", "Moon Unit" (although I think Moon dropped the "Unit") and other wonderfully TV-inspired names, I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere there's some kid named "Jar Jar Chakotay Yahoo Serious Potsie KITT" or worse, "Jar Jar Jar Jar Jar Jar Jar Jar Jar Jar Potsie Jar Jar Jar Jar". -- K. And remember when the hip teens in the 1940s used to dance on Hitler's face? I bet a lot of parents named ugly babies "Hitler" just to hurt the real Hitler's feelings. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Evil Lowlifes Name Baby After Web Site Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2000 06:07:42 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "red" (moldau@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Jesus, what a stupid name. Okay, he may have been a bozo -- he kept walking into the ocean, and he kept ruining people's Cup-A-Soup when he turned the water into wine -- but that's no reason to call his name stupid. I think that someday someone will realize that Jesus is a perfectly good name and name their child Jesus. And then he'll get special treatment all his life because he will be the only person anywhere in the world who is named Jesus, unless James J. Kirk's middle initial stands for "Jesus", which it might because they never told us his middle name in any of the 52 episodes. -- K. In "The Book Of Lists #3", they asked a few zillion schoolkids to rate each other's names so they could make ten of them feel bad when they printed a list of the least liked names. The least-loved name was "Altair", which I think is a fine name ESPECIALLY because kids don't like it. (It's Arabic for "eagle" or Internet-speak for "alternative air".) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Evil Lowlifes Name Baby After Web Site Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2000 07:33:22 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ben Wolfson (rumjuggler@cryptarchy.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "red" (moldau@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > > > Jesus, what a stupid name. > > > > I think that someday someone will realize that Jesus is a perfectly > > good name and name their child Jesus. And then he'll get special > > treatment all his life because he will be the only person anywhere > > in the world who is named Jesus, > > Kibo thus proves that he doesn't know many Hispanic-type folks. Sure I do. Most of them even understand this new thing called "sarcasm". > (The fact that "hayzoos" doesn't sound like the English pronunciation of > "jesus" doesn't count.) Really, tell me more, Dr. Chomsky. Are there any other words which sound different from other words? -- K. Would that this article sound better if I read the invisible smileys aloud? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Woody Allen attacks Lieberman as Democrat's VP choice Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 23:22:43 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp l'AFP reported: > > PARIS, Aug 16 (AFP) - Woody Allen, a longtime Democrat and a New > York Jew, said he was dissatisfied with Joseph Lieberman as vice > presidential candidate on the Democratic ticket. > It was distressing that in the United States "in the year 2000, > everyone marvels that a Jew is a candidate for vice president," the > actor and director said in an interview in the Thursday edition of > France's Le Monde newspaper. > "I would say the same thing if it was a woman, a black, or a gay." > "If we are the democracy that we pretend to be, than we should > have already had a president who is Jewish, black, or gay," he > continued. I see, so, we should never consider voting for a Jewish candidate because it's too late? Woody, shut your anti-Semitic pie hole and try to make a funny movie again sometime. > He said it was an embarrassment that the United States had put > forward a decision like this. Yeah, it's ALMOST as embarassing as marrying your adopted daughter. > He also criticized party strategists, who said the Democrats > would not lose any votes since voters opposed to a Jew on the ticket > would vote for Republican candidate George W. Bush anyway. > Such an attitude, he said, was tantamount to accepting "racism > as a given, instead of making it a target, an enemy worth fighting > against." > Allen was also very critical about Lieberman as a person. > "I hold it against him that he was the leading Democrat > attacking (US President Bill) Clinton during the Lewinsky affair. At > the time, there was a group of extremely vicious Republicans who > wanted the president's scalp because of something that seemed to be > a non-issue: a sexual affair." Yes (INCEST) Woody, (INCEST) you (INCEST) make (INCEST) a (INCEST) valid (INCEST) point (INCEST) about (INCEST) why (INCEST) we (INCEST) should (INCEST) forget (INCEST) about (INCEST) famous (INCEST) people's (INCEST) sexual (INCEST) perversions. Also about how their movies stopped being funny a while ago. > "I hated Lieberman's attitude back then. To this day ... the > people who launched the campaign against Bill Clinton represent the > worst aspects of this country." Yeah! Oral sex is what made this country great! -- K. And, Woody, I hate to tell you, but we've already had at least two gay presidents. (Teddy and Franklin Roosevelt were secretly married.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Casting Call (Was Re: Looking for a genius) Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2000 06:30:04 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com rob_lomax@my-deja.com wrote: > > [suggestion for casting an alt.religion.kibology movie] > > Lawrence Fishburne as Kibo > since we ordinary mortals don't know what he looks like and > therefore just need someone who can provide the necessary > gravitas. Okay, but only if he wears his Cowboy Curtis costume and gets to say The Secret Word every few minutes. Also, all reaction shots of Pee-wee should be filmed by a porno theater's security camera, and Phil Hartman has to reprise his role as the guy with the ship and the bright red skin, what was his name... oh, yeah, Exeter. DIFFICULTY OF SUB-REFERENCE A: 0.60 McIrvins DIFFICULTY OF SUB-REFERENCE B: 0.70 McIrvins DIFFICULTY OF GETTING FROM A TO B: 0.88 McIrvins according to the difficulty cross product, Da x Db = 1 - ([1-Da] * [1-Db]) -- K. And then Exeter's spaceship got possessed by the Devil and it filled with blood and everyone had to run around in ketchup-stained underpants with Bubble Tape hanging from their mouths. D sub Exeter: 0.70 McI D sub "Event Horizon": 0.50 McI D sub Bubble Tape allusion: 1.00 McI ...you do the math. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.culture.gard-trask From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Casting Call (Was Re: Looking for a genius) Date: Sun, 20 Aug 2000 06:00:19 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [a discussion of Bubble Tape, one of those candies marketed to kids with commercials that simply showed stodgy old grown-ups talking about how awful it was] rob_lomax@my-deja.com wrote: > > > > > > > > [suggestion for casting an alt.religion.kibology movie] > > > > > > > > Lawrence Fishburne as Kibo since we ordinary mortals don't know > > > > what he looks like and therefore just need someone who can > > > > provide the necessary gravitas. James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Okay, but only if he wears his Cowboy Curtis costume and gets to say > > > The Secret Word every few minutes. Also, all reaction shots of Pee-wee > > > should be filmed by a porno theater's security camera, and Phil Hartman > > > has to reprise his role as the guy with the ship and the bright red skin, > > > what was his name... oh, yeah, Exeter. > > > > > > And then Exeter's spaceship got possessed by the Devil > > > and it filled with blood and everyone had to run around in > > > ketchup-stained underpants with Bubble Tape hanging from their mouths. I better explain this, myself, because Matt McIrvin's still on vacation in Boise, Idaho. In the fantabulously retardoriffic movie "Event Horizon", in which a spaceship shaped like a Gothic cathedral but powered by a Bumble Ball goes too fast so it passes through Hell and gets possessed by Satan (played by Sam Neill, as usual), Satan does really scary things like making red Kool-Aid come out of the elevators (and everyone runs around screaming because they know that scenes ripped off from Stanley Kubrick indicate the presence of badness) and at one point he shows us a vision of the eternal tortures being suffered by people in Hell -- It consists of some guys in their underpants dancing around, smeared with tomato-soup-colored-stuff which is worse fake blood than Coke would be, with long pink strips of something hanging from their mouths. I'm not sure what the point was, I guess they were supposed to be having their intestines pulled out through their mouths while they were in a disco or something. Anyway, Matt identified the noxious intestine-like substance used in the film as either Bubble Tape or really fake intestines made of Bubble Tape. Oh, and the spaceship (which looks just like the _Cygnus_ in "The Black Hole" and went through Hell just like the _Cygnus_ in "The Black Hole" and is powered by a Bumble Ball containing a black hole just like... oh, hell with it) has a little rollercoaster going around the outside of it (just like etc. etc.) which Captain Lawrence Fishburn rides around on at one point. Mr. Fishburn is best known in Hollywood as "the we-couldn't-get-Samuel-L.-Jackson guy" but around where I live, he's best known as Cowboy Curtis from "Pee-wee's Playhouse", a show which also starred Phil Hartman (co-writer of Pee-wee's first movie) as Captain Carl, who always had a bright red face. This is bridged to a reference to the movie "This Island Earth", in which nobody ever realizes that Exeter (who has bright red skin, a weirdly-shaped head, and talk exactly like Phil Hartman) is from another planet, despite the fact that he keeps saying things like "Tell me more about this small-headed human you Earth people call 'Mozart' here on your Earth planet." And now you know how I got from A to B! I'll explain the parts about C through Z sometime, except for W, which was easy -- W is for waffles. The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > > > It was only six months ago that I realized they don't make Bubble Tape > > anymore (or it's at least not distributed in Kansas.) Gardner S Trask III (gardtrask@gt3.com) wrote: > > Bubble Tape was discontinued after Don Saklad tried to sabotage the remodeling > of the Boston Public Library third floor reading room by replacing the > carpenters tape measures with marked Bubble Tape. The results were > spectacularly Escher-like, but Don complained the books kept getting stacked > upside down on the mobius bookshelves. This reminds me that as a child, I had a record with three, count 'em, three, of those tiny "read along with the crappy record" "Star Trek" comic books. Except that it didn't have the three comic books. It was some sort of repackaged thing where instead of three 45's with little comic books, it was one LP with _no_ comic books. So I had to use my imagination while listening to William Shatner making a quick twenty bucks for five minutes' work. One of the three stories was titled "In Vino Veritas", where a wacky alien gnome gets everyone drunk, including Spock, and it's a special kind of drunk that makes them tell the truth, sort of like "The Naked Time" only without any of the interest value. (Why did Spock get drunk even though on the TV show he established that Vulcans never drink? On the record, when Kirk asked Spock why he drank the evil alien wine, he said, "Protocol demanded it." (I learned the word "protocol" from that sentence. See, cheap junk for kids is educational!) I don't remember the titles of the other two stories. The second one was about a creature made of pure sound effects (really cheap ones, at that) running amok in the spaceship. Fortunately, some redshirt living in the bowels of the _Enterprise_ was an aspiring musician who had built this special musical instrument with a Mšbius-strip-shaped keyboard (at least, that's how Kirk described it in the audio comic book. I bet it wouldn't have been drawn right.) The third story was a retelling of the legend of Pandora's Box, but for some reason the woman who had the box of all the evil ghosts in the world was an Enterprise crew member, and she opened the box and the Enterprise filled with ghosts (no Bubble Tape was mentioned.) The odd part is that the space Pandora was named... YEOMAN DORRIE TRASK. So from the moment I saw Gardner Trask's first article, I've been thinking of that lousy invisible comic book whenever his name has haunted my screen, and now that he's mentioned Mšbius strips it confirms my theory that HE'S A CHARACTER FROM A COMIC BOOK THAT WASN'T INCLUDED!!! Folks, I implore you not to stop by his house for drinks. Especially if you're Vulcan. -- K. Or "Vulcanian", as Spock was for several episodes. That was before Kirk's middle name was revealed to be "Herbert". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.philosophy.debate,alt.philosophy,alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The first 2 pages of my book Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2000 06:47:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.alt.philosophy.debate,alt.alt.philosophy,alt.alt.sci.physics.new-theories In alt.philosophy.debate, alt.philosophy, and alt.sci.physics.new-theories, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > I am wriiting a 250 pp (non fiction) book entitled: > > The > Scientific > Proof of God Wow. It'll take you several whole paragraphs to fill up 250 pages at one to three words per line. > I have written a first draft and am editing it for publication > this fall. > I am adding a fictional firts chapter to dramatize the event > and make understanding of the following scientific exposition easier. Are you going to include a spellchecker with the book so that people can fiix your wriiting? Or will that just be included as a bonus if there's ever a sceond edtion? > The first two pages may be seen at: > > [...url elided...] I like the way you used "linoleum" in a sentence. Please try to use the other words in your book in sentences. -- K. Will the book be cubical? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.philosophy.debate,alt.sci.physics.new-theories,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The first 2 pages of my book Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2000 21:08:50 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In alt.philosophy.debate, alt.philosophy, alt.sci.physics.new-theories, and sci.physics, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > [about his "book", and I use the term loosely] > > I'm 58 years old, single, have been unemployed for 30 > years, have no kids, am living on welfare, have false > teeth, grey hair and roaring diabetes. What the > fuck good would a million dollars do me? You could buy some hair dye. And hire a ghostwriter. > I'm simply doing this for revenge. You're insulting yourself for revenge against whom, exactly? -- K. Do the welfare people know you're spending all this money on getting Internet service through cable TV? I thought that people on welfare were only allowed to buy cheese and pornography. Can you prove you use your Internet connection primarily for cheese and pornography? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.philosophy.debate,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The use of "KOOK CUTTERS" on Usenet Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2000 06:55:30 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh In six, count 'em, six newsgroups, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > I am a graduate Physicist (MS N.U. Boston 1967, Physics). I have > Been attempting to engage in discussion concerning a new physics > theory for a year on alt.sci.physics.new-theories. I'm sorry, George, you're just not engaging. > I have had of course many length and productive conversations > with scientist from many disciplines including Physics, Psychology, > Mathematics etc. However, I have discovered that NT is crawling > with kooks You should upgrade from NT to Windows 2000. It's got more bugs than kooks. > who are NOT physicists, have little or no scientific credentials, and > are anti-scientific hecklers. There is a core group of these on > NT and of course many interlopers brought in by them as the need > arises from the far reaches of the Internet. When additional kooks > are needed to harass a legitimate (read graduate) scientist.. > these regulars will start posting to the scientist's thread and > adding headers such as alt.religion.kibology, alt.kooks.plutonium, > alt.pizza.delivery, alt.kooks.usenet etc. etc. to summon a > cohort of kooks to harass the legitimate scientist minding his own > business and attempting to carry on bona fide scientific discussion. > Their modus operendi is to flood the thread with dozens of "one liner > OT/ad hominem kook postings"... examples of which are: > > ...you're a bag of shit > .. go take your meds > ..turn yourself into the F.B.I. > .. you need a psychiatrist > .. did somebody touch your private parts > .. you're a Bozdo > ... this guy's a Troll > ... pisspot > ... sod off wanker > ... etc. etc. etc. You're a bag of shit, go take your meds, turn yourself into the F.B.I., you need a psychiatrist, did somebody touch your private parts, you're a Bozdo, this guy's a Troll, pisspot, sod off wanker, etc., etc., etc. I don't know, Cubey, no matter how hard I try it just won't fit on one line. > The PURPOSE of this is not so much insult.. but to flood and > chop up the thread so that no serious discussant can ever find > a message actually dealing with the topic or follow any > coherent discussion that is taking place. It is HARASSMENT, > it is a violation of Usenet etiquette, etc. etc. > What to do about it when you are faced with this kind of > harassment? The first rule of course, is NEVER ANSWER A KOOK. It's a good thing you ignore everyone you dislike instead of talking about them on the Internet constantly. You're a GENIUS! > Because, the only thing a criminal harasser is trying to PROVE > is that he can forcibly get you're attention.. which means > de facto, that he can CRIMINALLY ABUSE YOU. > OK.. given this description of the problem, through long > experience, I have discovered the "KOOK CUTTER". A kook cutter > is a short (low bandwidth) message designed to allow serious > discussants happening into the midst of this flood of kook > messages, to LOCATE the original thread and carry on with the > serious scientific discussion at hand. An example of a > "kook cutter" is as follows: > [SNIP] Wow, it worked like a charm. A hundred lines of kookiness gone with one easy application of the trusty orange-handled Fiskars. -- K. Why do they call them pinking shears if they have orange handles? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why G Hammond is in fact brilliant Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2000 07:08:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In five newsgroups, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > EL... as an American I find myself embarrassed for my own people. Your own people? You mean your imaginary friends? > Nowhere in any of your critical postings of my scientific work > have I ever found anything that I could consider as showing signs > of viciousness, heresy, or bad faith. Yet, from my American > detractors I find a constant stream of poor faith, and the vilest > of corrupt minded and motivated commentary. That's a shocking lie, nobody has every posted anything in response to your scientific work. They might if you ever _started_ posting scientific work. Maybe the people who think you're a nitwit would stop calling you a nitwit if you actually talked about sciencey stuff rather than just running around screaming about how we're not taking your nonexistent scientific research seriously. > It is a sad data base that I have accumulated over the past > 10 months. +-----------------------------------------------+ | MICROSOFT EXCEL | |-----------------------------------------------| | :-( | :-( | :-( | :-( | )-: | :-( | :-( | :-( | |-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----| | :-( | :-( | :( | :-( | :-( | :-( | :-( | :-( | |-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----| | :-( | )-: | :-( | :-( | :-( | :-( | )-: | :-( | |-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----| | :-( | :-( | :-( | :-( | :-( | :( | :-( | :-( | |-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----| | :-( | :( | :-( | :-( | :-( | | | | +-----------------------------------------------+ How do you index your frowneys for later retrieval when you need one? > As you know, there is a dispute between the advanced > Industrial world and the undeveloped Third world about WHO is to > blame for the desperate condition of billions of people (according > to the UN 1/4 of the world is starving). > [...some blather elided...] > > It is a sad judgement from my side, and I am sure that it is > sad news on your side. God have mercy on us all. Hey! For a moment, you sounded just like Criswell! Only less believable! -- K. P.S. I elided your populist blather because I'm an elidist. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why G Hammond is in fact brilliant Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2000 20:52:55 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Shiro Akaishi (akaishi@unity.edu) wrote: > > "teddles" (ted@faroc.com.au) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > > > > > > > It is a sad data base that I have accumulated over the past > > > > 10 months. > > > > > > +-----------------------------------------------+ > > > | MICROSOFT EXCEL | > > > |-----------------------------------------------| > > > | :-( | :-( | :-( | :-( | )-: | :-( | :-( | :-( | > > > |-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----| > > > | :-( | :-( | :( | :-( | :-( | :-( | :-( | :-( | > > > |-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----| > > > | :-( | )-: | :-( | :-( | :-( | :-( | )-: | :-( | > > > |-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----| > > > | :-( | :-( | :-( | :-( | :-( | :( | :-( | :-( | > > > |-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----| > > > | :-( | :( | :-( | :-( | :-( | | | | > > > +-----------------------------------------------+ > > > > rofl! > > That's actually pretty cheap humor comming from Kibo, but it sure is > effective. Kibo is your best value in entertainment. And remember, Kibo's pledge to you is to never, ever, EVER use a smiley on the Internet unless he doesn't mean it. Frowneys are okay, but Kibo does not smile at people he likes. (Kibo may use smileys in E-mail, but only if he wants to hurt your feelings.) Also, if Matt McIrvin weren't in Boise, Idaho for the laser-printer-and-potato festival, he'd turn the above into a Sesame street reference: +-----------------------------------------------+ | 30-YEAR-OLD FILLER | |-----------------------------------------------| | :-( | :-( | :-( | :-( | )-: | :-( | :-( | :-( | dootdoot doot doot doot doot |-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----| | :-( | :-( | :( | :-( | :-( | :-( | :-( | :-( | dootdoot doot doot doot doot |-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----| | :-( | )-: | :-( | :-( | :-( | :-( | )-: | :-( | dootdoot doot doot doot doot |-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----| | :-( | :-( | :-( | :-( | :-( | :( | :-( | :-( | dootdoot doot doot doot doot |-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+-----| | :-( | :( | :-( | :-( | :-( | :-( | :-( | :-P | dootdootDOOTdootdoot BLORCH! +-----------------------------------------------+ ...and then they'd start playing one of those fake Peter Max cartoons with the ball going through a giant LSD-filled pinball machine in outer space, solely to make all the kids ask, "Mommy, what was 'pinball'?" so that she could say, "Hush, Junior, I'm sure pinball will recover through the valiant efforts of Stern to manufacture a pinball machine even after all the other companies went out of business simultaneously." -- K. Sorry, game over. I shall mourn for the pinball industry as I would for a dear friend who owed me several thousand dollars in quarters. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.philosophy.debate,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: been to your website post to G Hammond Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2000 07:25:03 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: lets.see.if.cubey.has.figured.out.how.to.read.headers.in.the.dark In alt.philosophy.debate, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > In case you aren't aware of it, the lower classes deliberately > use incorrect grammer for psychological effect... No comment. (It would be beneath me to mock those who are poor, especially if they got that way because they're nuts who think their brains are cubes.) > [...] > > James Joyce's _Finnegan's Wake_ is considered historic literature, > and yet it's grammer is so bad few people can even read a single > sentence out of the entire book. I can read it backwards in the > dark. I trust this is also how you read science textbooks? -- K. And that's a terrible thing to say about Joyce. She's even gooder at grammer than Ann Rand! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Looking for a genius Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2000 07:37:26 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Zixia" (chiba@btinternet.com) wrote: > > John Burrage (burrage@iinet.net.munge.au) wrote: > > > > [in response to George Hammond] > > > > Well, really! How rude! > > I used to say "how rude!" quite a lot, but then Jar Jar Binks appeared > and it made me sound like him. I used to wear a homemade "Rhoda"-style kicky suede pantsuit, but then Jar Jar Binks appeared and it made me look like him. Also I used to have a lobotomy but now thanks to seeing Jar Jar Binks I've stopped acting stupid. -- K. I guess George hasn't seen that movie yet. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Anybody know from shoes? Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2000 21:01:34 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp "michael holmes" (jmichael38@mapson.earthlink.net) wrote: > > I've got this squeak in my right shoe that's driving me crazy. May be your shoe is cursed. May be the shoe has the skin of dead animals and cows under its tongue. Girls are not supposed to allow boys with out shoes into Mc Donalds. May be everyone on these physics newsgroups is crazy but you. Your shoes squeak. > First I tried digging out all the little foreign objects that were > embedded in the sole, then I tried just waiting it out, thinking it > would go away, but still: squeak squeak squeak. The shoes are a > perfectly fine pair of Timberland boots that I am loath to discard. > What should I do? Try wearing silencers over them. Just wrap each foot in a big ball of foam rubber. And wear those while walking on your hands. And carry a huge boom box playing an instrumental rap song consisting entirely of loud squeaking noises so that nobody will think anything's coming from your shoes. And wear a T-shirt saying "NOTHING IS COMING FROM ANY PART OF MY BODY." > As you could probably guess, it's next to impossible to eavesdrop on > conversations or bludgeon someone to death when they can hear you > coming from a mile away. Well, then, you're just not a very good bludgeoner. I'd just buy a mile-and-a-half-long bludgeon if I were you. Same goes for eavesdropping. Just get bigger ears. If you wore a huge pair of rubber Spock ears, you'd be able to hear LOTS of people talking about you behind your back! -- K. Rubber Spock ears not for use with rubber devil costume. Gummikrankenspock sold separately. May cause irritation, especially in other people. Do not allow babies to place rubber ears over nose and mouth, because that would look creepy. Rubber Spock ears are not sold for the prevention or treatment of venereal disease, just for the prevention of sex. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I have been informed this is NOT TO BE IGNORED!! Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2000 21:47:18 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Oh, I love spam with catchphrase-worthy titles like "NOT TO BE IGNORED!!" Well, okay, I don't love spam, but I think this one qualifies to be mocked here and now: -> From: pizzolattorebecca@msn.com Mmm! Pizza latte, new from Rebecca's CafŽ! -> Subject: NOT TO BE IGNORED!! IS NOT FOR MOCKING!! IS TOP-QUALITY SPAM!! -> STOP - - Okay. THE END! Wait, there's more... -> URGENT MESSAGE - - -> -> -> -> | | -> -> | Please proceed if you | -> -> | are not happy with your:| | formatting | -> | | -> -> | Income!| -> -> | Job/Career!| -> -> |Daily Commute!| -> -> |Time Away From Your Family!| -> -> |Kids Being Raised By Someone Else!| I get it, this is the trash compactor scene from "Star Wars" played backwards. Who can forget the moment when Han told Chewbacca, :-C :-H --I don't care how it smells, just get in there! ...at the very end, after R2-D2 turned on the trash compactor and the walls slowly spread apart, stretching everyone, and then the trash monster dried off Luke. -> Please read this message to its fullest! I urge you to make a sound -> decision upon reading this message. First of all, this is not a get rich -> quick scheme. It is a sound, reliable and viable business. 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We'll never achieve orbit when we're this bottom-heavy with 'em!" -> Step 2 Call our 24-hour hotline at 206-888-6168 to get started. Since -> we are working from home with our business, we have put together a -> decision package. [...] Now, because we work from our home, -> this decision package costs us money, there is a $39.95 price for the -> entire package including shipping and handling. -> -> -> This eliminates the people that are not serious and allows us to work with -> those of you who are. Sending me this spam indicates you do a GOOD job of finding SERIOUS people. ^^^^ |||| ##### # ###### ##### # ##### ## ## ## ## ### ## ## ## ## ### ## ## ### ### ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## #### #### ##### ## ## ###### ## ## ## ##### ## ### ## ## ####### ## ## ## ####### ## ## # ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ##### ## ## ## ## ##### ## ## ##### ## ## -> [...] -> -> Now, we don't mean to offend anyone... And I never mean to offend anyone who's not an idiot. -> but here is a list of Common, Pitiful Excuses we have heard as to -> why this program just COULDN'T work for him or her. You want to -> see them... Okay... but don't get mad! -> -> 1) It's too good to be true. -> -> 2) It HAS to be a scam. -> -> 3) There HAS to be a catch. -> -> 4) It must be a lie. -> -> 5) This could NEVER happen to me. -> -> 6) I'm not good enough. -> -> 7) I'm not smart enough. -> -> 8) I'm too young. -> -> 9) I'm too old. -> -> 10) I'm too ugly (we just threw this in!) -> -> -> Okay... see how ridiculous it sounds? Golly, this "Our spam is ridiculous, and also you're ugly" hard-sell approach is working great... ...ON THE PLANET DUH!!! -> But we can relate... because at some point, we thought them too. But now you realize you're not too ugly to spam people. How touching. And ugly. -> We are obligated to tell you that your... -> -> -> Age... -> -> -> Skills... -> -> Background... -> -> Experience... -> -> or -> -> Education... -> -> -> DOES NOT MATTER! What about my collection of rare antimatter? Does it matter? -> This business will groom you to improve yourself with... -> -> more money, more time, more excitement about life... -> -> and more reasons to look forward to your future! -> -> So... are you going to make EXCUSES? -> -> Or... are you going to make CHANGES? -> -> It's your choice. -> -> BUT... remember what the people in our business have in common? -> -> 1) They saw an opportunity. -> -> 2) They were teachable. -> -> 3) They applied what they learned. LEARN TO DOUBLE-SPACE IN TEN EASY BUT EXPENSIVE LESSONS. -> Do you fit the profile? Are we talking about YOU? Someone very wise told -> us something we've never forgotten... -> -> Successful people do what -> -> Unsuccessful people won't. -> -> Which are you? I'm the guy who is telling you stupid things that you think are really profound. -> What if this really IS the opportunity you've been looking for? Yeah! Then I could be one of those people who keeps appearing on the cover of _BusinessWeek_ captioned "He became an Internet billionaire just by reading unsolicited E-mail!" -> What do you have to lose by thoroughly checking it out before making a -> decision that it's not for you? -> -> ************************************* -> -> If you're still interested, then take the steps -> -> listed above. -> -> ************************************** The line of asterisks grows a little whenever they tell a lie. -> And remember... knowledge ISN'T power. ACTION IS!! AGENT ACTION!!!! THE FIRST MOVIE TO BE DISTRIBUTED ENTIRELY AS E-MAIL SPAM! -> I look forward to helping you get started with your new home business, and -> talking with you very soon! And don't forget... opportunity is usually -> disguised behind what most of us call HARD WORK!!! -> -> "When you know what you want, and you want it bad enough, you will find a -> way to get it." Jim Rohn. I want spammers to turn into a big pink fluffy puppy who never existed. -> If you wish to be removed from this mailing and all future mailings -> please respond with "remove" in the subject line to bizzinfo@hongkong.com -> ___________________________________________________________ -> This Message was Composed by a user of Extractor Pro '98 Bulk E- Mail -> Software. If -> you wish to be removed from this advertiser's future mailings, please reply -> with the subject "Remove" and this software will automatically block you -> from their future mailings. Or better yet, just tell your mail program to delete all mail which contains the phrase "This Message was Composed by a user of Extractor Pro". Unless you're reading alt.religion.kibology by mail, in which case tell it to delete all mail FROM SOMEONE OTHER THAN KIBO which says that. Better yet, just delete all mail FROM SOMEONE OTHER THAN KIBO. -- K. "And then... I'm going to give the box... to someone... WHOM YOU DON'T KNOW!" -- lamest color "Twilight Zone" twist ending ever ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I have been informed this is NOT TO BE IGNORED!! Date: Sun, 20 Aug 2000 06:09:26 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Marc Etienne Lachance (st_fnordius@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I want spammers to turn into a big pink fluffy puppy who never existed. > > You must be responsible for that silly o.tel.o commercial in German TV, > where a little girl orders a 6-meter-tall fluffy dog through the > Internet, and the mutt arrives on a flatbed. But was he pink? With hair you could comb? If you couldn't comb his hair, I don't want him. (I'd hate to have to comb the dog myself.) I have no idea what "o.tel.o" is except that it's round at both ends and has half a Teletubby in the middle. OH NO! I MENTIONED TELETUBBIES IN THE SAME ARTICLE AS BIG PINK FLUFFY IMAGINARY PUPPIES! WE'VE ACHIEVED CRITICAL MASS OF CUTENESS AND THERE WILL NOW BE A REALLY CUTE NUCLEAR EXPLOSION! RAYS OF DEADLY CUTENESS WILL KILL EVERYONE, BUT LEAVE THE BUILDINGS STANDING, WITH SMILEY FACES ON THE GROUND REPRESENTING WHERE PEOPLE WERE VAPORIZED! AND INSTEAD OF "BOOM!!!" IT'LL GO "WHEE!!!" Situations like this call not for a fallout shelter, but for a throwup shelter. -- K. Why did you call him a mutt? Was he only half-pink and half-dachshund? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.chem,sci.bio.technology,sci.archaeology,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: human urine good to clean out human ear wax??? Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2000 23:39:22 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.chem, sci.bio.technology, and sci.archaeology, "Archimedes Plutonium" (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Subject: human urine good to clean out human ear wax??? Quick question. Is this ear wax in your ear, or ear wax in your urethra? > Quite a number of my posts to Internet are questions that would quickly > send a rush of laughter to its readers. So why do I post them? Because you wuv us? > One, I am naturally curious. Second, I am a genius and needs to have > my thoughts recorded to the future generations to see how a genius > mind works. Yes, you needs to have that. You is a genius. However, we already know how your genius mind works. (It's fueled by urine entering through the left ear.) > Third, humans who laugh, mock or despise me have never really bothered > me much; what is worse than them are those that ignore. I'd say they both bother you a bunch because you spend a lot of time talking about how little they bother you. For instance, you have never once mentioned Martin Landau, so I assume he doesn't bother you at all. But you're now insisting that people who think you're a bozo for putting urine in your ear aren't bothering you, so clearly it bothers you that you expect people to think you're a bozo just because you like dipping your head in pee-pee. (And that is such a flimsy reason to think you're a bozo. People should be able to find lots of OTHER reasons to think you're a bozo.) > Fourth, in a world of Superdeterminism, asking simple questions often > leads to major insights or discoveries. Such as the discovery that the King Of Science wants to be able to pee in his own ear? > For the past 20 or 30 years of my life I have been very conscious > of ear wax. Does it talk to you? > I remember whilst at UC in my undergraduate days, in winter > time having to go to the UC medical to warm water bathe flush my > ear out of wax. Ever since I have taken long hot showers starting off > with a bathe into the ears to keep the wax low. BATHE IN TO EARS, ARCHIE! BATHE INTO THE EARS POSTHASTE! > Because of this bathing routine I have not had any ear wax buildup. > > Last night however, I have noticed a slight impairment and suspect > wax buildup in my right ear. To solve it I will spend a good hour or > more > on warm water bathe into my ear until it becomes better. I see, so, you now want to leave pee in your ear for a good hour or more. Although I'd hardly call that a GOOD hour. > [...] > > In particular to urine, human urine in detail, is that it is a great > food for plants. Arch, it's not a good for for ANYONE. > Just as orange juice is designed perfectly for a > human, and human urine designed perfectly for an orange tree > plant to take in as food and nutrient. In Superdeterminism, these > interrelationships mesh perfectly, as does a jigsaw puzzle, where > its pieces have a purpose and fit perfectly into other pieces. > > Now, in the history of humanity, much of humanity did not have > warm water readily available at most times to get rid of earwax > buildup. Nor did many of our ancients realize that by flushing the > ear with water would help to solve the buildup. I suppose many of > our ancients just used a stick or something to get out the ear > wax and many suffered ear injury in the process. That was before pinky fingers were invented. > Recently I saw a NOVA program on the Vikings and they found > some hygiene device in a Viking Ireland dig. A silver type tool > to clean out the ear. Sort of dangerous to use. Arch, you could learn a lot more by watching "Late Night With Conan O'Brien". While telling the monologue, he unconsciously jabs his right pinky into his right ear and starts cleaning it out while he thinks people are laughing at his joke, when really they're laughing at the fact that he doesn't remember that most TV professionals don't pick their ears on TV. So, you should tune in to learn how to pick your ear. Just don't pick it on my TV. > Earwax is designed, I believe to take care of itself in climates that > are > hot and warm. Not in northern climates such as Europe where earwax > buildup needs special attention. > > Some stores carry a mild acidic solution to help cleanout ear wax > buildup. > > I wonder if human urine is a good solution for ear wax buildup? If so, > I wonder if any of our ancients realized that urine would solve their > ear wax buildup? Or how they would come upon that discovery? If > human urine is a perfect solution for dissolving ear wax, then it > is another example of Superdeterminism at work and not Darwin > evolution. This is an easy research test also. To see if human > urine dissolves human ear wax and if it is somehow specially > formulated that it does the job well. In the news today, a horrible tragedy happened when the King Of Science discovered that his entire head dissolved in urine. > And if so, are there any animals in the animal kingdom, especially > apes or monkeys that are seen to be urinating in the ears of their > members? I wouldn't touch that straight line with my ten-foot member. > I suppose our earlier humans did not live long after 20 years of age > and so they may never have encountered ear wax buildup that would > have hampered and endangered their life further. And that earwax > buildup becomes a human problem only when humans began to live > much longer than 20 years. And those who developed acute earwax > buildup had a shortened life because of their handicap. Perhaps only > when human civilization started do we begin to look for solutions to > earwax buildup. > > Perhaps cold salt water also gets rid of earwax buildup and thus > people were guided to swimming in salt water to solve their problem. I can't wait to hear Archie's theory on how God created the Sony Walkman to prevent airborne ear wax spores from drifting into our ears. -- K. Well, why ELSE could God have created the Walkman? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Coma Clowns! Date: Sat, 19 Aug 2000 05:51:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > On the radio this afternoon, on my quarter-mile drive from lunch to > dessert, I heard the most alarming little human interest story. It was a > bunch of clowns with English accents, talking about waking people up from > comas. Talk about waking up to your worst nightmare! One man said to a > little girl, "Now, I'm going to blow bubbles over your legs, and I'll be > very cross if you don't tell me you can feel them." Wow! Just think of the billions of dollars we could save on medicine once word gets out that all physical maladies can be cured by being berated by clowns! "Stop being blind and tell me what colors my hair is, or Bingo will be mad-o!" "Get out of that wheelchair, dammit, or I'll make my pants fall down again!" HOSPITAL CLOWNS ARE SICK! -- K. Remember that movie where Robin Williams played the doctor who woke people up from comas and then became a wacky clown and then mistook his wife for a hat? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.bio.technology,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: naked dna Date: Sun, 20 Aug 2000 04:32:09 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Hey, look, everyone, Kurt Stocklmeir learned two new words that sound great together! In sci.bio.technology, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Is it dangerous to use naked dna and rna. > > How long does naked dna work. > > Does any thing destroy naked dna and rna. > > Can naked dna become part of dna associated with a cell. Does it happen a > lot. > > Is it simple for naked rna to create naked dna and the naked dna becomes part > of dna associated with a cell. > > Can naked dna have only a gene. Does it need dna in front of a gene to let > it create proteins. What goes in front of a gene. Can the same dna that > lets a gene work be used for differetn genes. > > How simple is it for a cell to absorb naked dna and rna. > > How long does a loop of naked dna work. > > Can any thing destroy a loop of naked dna. > > Can a loop of naked dna use only genes or does it need dna in front of genes > to let genes work. > > If a cell that has a loop of naked dna reproduces does new cells have copies > of loop of naked dna. > > Thank you for any answers. > > I tell girls I do not want to kiss any girl who has the blood of animals in > her mouth and the bodies of animals between her teeth. > > God created a curse against people associated with Old Dominion University in > Norfolk Va. because dishonest people running the school hurt innocent > people. And they went around exposing their nude DNA to everyone. -- K. P.S.: Can naked dna and naked dna make naked dna that helps naked dna nakedify the naked dna that nakeds the dnas that nake the naked dna's dna naked dna naked dna naked dna and dna naked dekan naked any naked help dna is naked appreci dna ated between my naked teeth and their dna. Ha! I said it more times! I win! (I am better at this than Kurt. May be I have naked dna adjacent to my teeth. I tell girls I will not kiss their dna if it is naked. God has big fat dna.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics,sci.bio.technology,sci.electronics.design,sci.electronics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Public Right to Know--Latest Threat to Human Freedom Date: Sun, 20 Aug 2000 04:55:31 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.sci.physics, sci.bio.technology, sci.electronics.design, and sci.electronics, Carol Paliwoda (capaliwoda@hotmail.com) wrote: > > THREAT OF GLOBAL DOMINATION BY AMORAL TECHNOCRACY > WITH ELECTRONIC MIND CONTROL: THE PUBLIC RIGHT TO KNOW > > Get the unvarnished truth about mind control involving clear lacquers which can read our mind, and Paul Verhoeven's poorly- > directed-energy weapons and usage in the Cleveland, Ohio, Indians, which enable them to win almost half of all games in their > area of the United States (and elsewhere)--so far out are my theories that even Dan Aykroyd doesn't buy them. He's > apparently censored by Internet search engines, so that I have to watch "Coneheads: The Movie" to see him. For that movie, I > have to do my own publicizing. Even the Internet seems to insert stupid things between every two lines of text I write, and > involve a certain amount of censorship. Criminals who want to turn themselves in should turn themselves into candy 'cuz I like it. Now > to control the social structure unhindered by any legal -size pads which are only big enough for 3 words of my crayon writing. My > restraints would rather relegate this report to an obscure planet orbiting a dying star in a galaxy filled with Jell-O. Jell-O is good because I cannot hurt myself on it like I do on the sharp > corner of the Internet. They have been operating avowedly without the tweezers touching the metal bits that make my nose buzz. I'll be > totally amoral for several decades now. Hardened criminals encased in layers of varnish make crinkling noises when they > flaunt their amorality mockingly in front of victims, knowing secrets about my sex life which involve rutabagas. The rutabaga > police will not respond to complaints. They operate at close of business at Beadworks, armed w/ rutabagas, beads, & chicken which is free > range with no serious police interference. The cost of beads remains constant but now it takes more beads to make macrame, which like > secrecy is high in human suffering. The criminals being fond of varnished rutabagas dislike my cling pears in Rustoleum. If > sought do nothing but manufacture radiation weapons for the first-time buyers who want ones with colorful tailfins, plus one-button > torture and destruction of humanity. As far as they are from the porno store, they get there before me so I never get the best rutabaga porn, just tapes of "Coneheads: The Movie." As far as that bomb is > concerned, these weapons are for them primarily brain damage, brain damage, brain damage, and, uh, I forget. I like mittens, > torture, and extortion weapons for use in combat situations along with the "Call A Friend" and "Audience Vote" lifelines during game shows > and wars of conquest--as instruments of social control in fashionable shades of purple. My pet volvox has complete > disregard of any Bill of Rights. Positive applications are rejected because I forget to varnish the forms in triplicate, then they get > lost. The objects of this "combat" are currently innocent, most being common household objects such as rutabagas and the rantings of > unarmed American civilians in their homes, and preparations A through G were suppressed by the hemorrhoid cartels. By now Preparation I > could be underway to subject victims the world over to a massive flood of rutabaga porn from all kitchen faucets, and > further atrocities. > > > YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW!!!! > > What you don't know could literally kill you or leave you > vulnerable to total enslavement. > > [...much blather...] > > As one local cop put it when I complained, "There ain't no crime against > ESP." That's why Montgomery Ward always tries to push those extended service plans you don't really need. Last week they tried to sell me a six-year ESP on a book of matches. -- K. And then I ate a hamburger in their cafe, which was $2.99 plus $658 for the warranty. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: uh oh. Date: Sun, 20 Aug 2000 04:58:11 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com While I was trying to read alt.religion.kibology, my computer just informed me that AN ASYNCHRONOUS EVENT OCURRED AT THIS ENDPOINT! Will you people please stop holding your events in my endpoint without inviting me? I mean, I don't mind impromptu parties, but you're supposed to bring me big piles of gifts and stuff. And not inviting me is not an excuse to not give me a gift at the events I'm not at! Small gifts are okay, if they're in very big piles. -- K. "big" relative to the size of the Earth. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Images. How to use a bidet. Date: Sun, 20 Aug 2000 07:02:17 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.med, Don Saklad (dsaklad@zurich.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > As opposed to images of the bidets and regardless of the > original intent imagined for the image whether health and > grooming related or not, what images are there around and > about the net showing examples of how to use a bidet or of > people using a bidet whatever the type of bidet model?... Don, you clearly haven't had time to catch up on the latest bathroom research from the King Of Science, so I summarize -- Archie Plutonium has declared bidets passŽ. From now on, let's just say that he has proposed a replacement for all bathroom fixtures. It sounds unusual. In fact, it sounds just like urine hitting your eardrum: In sci.chem, sci.bio.technology, and sci.archaeology, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: -> -> Subject: human urine good to clean out human ear wax??? I hope I don't have to draw you a diagram, and I also hope he doesn't sprinkle further wisdom all over the Internet. Whatever you do, don't give him the idea of seeding clouds with pyrite to create golden showers. We now return to people asking the sci newsgroups for pictures of men washing their weenies, and people asking the sex newsgroups about quaternions. -- K. Don, have you considered asking your local public library? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: If I'm not stupid, I will live. Date: Mon, 21 Aug 2000 04:15:45 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [Re Nick's story about cooking his food in bug spray sauce] Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > P tobler (ptobler@aol.com) wrote: > > > > Helpful hint of the day. Nick, this is the kind of story NOT to tell > > to a woman you are interested in/flirting with/ever want to see again/ > > don't want to throw up all over you. > > Well, I won't. This is the kind of story that is fun to read on ARK. Yeah. Why would anyone want to score with the sort of broad what don't like the stories we guys tell here on a.r.k? I wouldn't make it with a chick that wasn't intellectual enough to appreciate my stories about kitchen filth, even if she weren't a skank! Here's my own confession of recent food-related ineptitude: I buy frozen scallion pies (big disks of onion flavored-dough, popular as appetizers in Chinese restaurants) in bags of six. The bags come with greasy squares of plastic wrap interpolated between the pucks. So, cooking these first entails trying to peel very flimsy yet very slippery plastic from in between every two pucks. I typically make three at a time, so I wanted to kill off the bottom half of a set by cooking all three. I fumbled with the slippery plastic clinging to the last of the three for quite a while, and finally managed to remove it. I threw the trash in my convenient local trash bag, washed the grease off my hands, and turned on the oven. Then I noticed there were only two pucks in the oven. After carefully separating the wrapper from the puck, I had thrown both in the trash. Needless to say, I cried for hours. <-- OBVIOUS EMBELLISHMENT! IT ADDS AN EMOTIONAL EFFECT TO A SCENE! While we're on the subject of missing food, when I returned from my trip to Edmonton, Alberta (via Vancouver, British Columbia) I brought with me a Safeway grocery bag with various weird Canadian flavors of canned chili to review for my forthcoming taste-test of all the canned chilis in the world. Some of these were double-size cans, because Canadians like their chili big. Except in the French-speaking part of Canada, where they don't eat chili, just canned meatballs. My receipt says STAGG VEGGIE CHILI 2.49 PURITAN CHILI 2.99 STAG CLASSIC CHILI 2.49 (the can actually says "Classique Chili") SAFEWAY CHILI HOT 1.99 NALLEYS CHILI 3.99 STAGG STKHSE CHILI 2.49 STAGG CHILI 2.49 ...and various non-chili items which I ate and/or read before leaving Edmonton. Did you know Canada gets the same edition of the _National Enquirer_ as the United States? That seems wrong. Incidentally, while going through customs in Vancouver, on the declaration form I checked the box for bringing "food, live animals, or insects" into the United States, but they just waved me through without inspecting my chili. (Unlike the jerk processing arrivals in Toronto. She threatened me with jail time because I wanted to visit the CN Tower and said "um" before answering one of her cryptic questions.) When I arrived at the Boston airport, I was walking through Terminal E when I heard a clunk, and saw a can of chili rolling away. One had escaped from a chili-sized hole in the bottom of the bag. I caught up with it and took the subway home. When I got home, I noticed I only had six cans of chili, not seven. The double-size $2.99 (Canadian) can of Puritan Chili had vanished, possibly in one of the taxis, airplanes, subways, or public restrooms I'd been in during that long trip. So, if any of you people are ever in Canada, if you see a can of chili on the ground, it's mine and I claim it. For convenience, you can just drop it off at the nearest American embassy with instructions to deliver it to me otherwise I'll blow up the CN tower, making sure it falls on that evil customs agent. Also, I need to fill out my Canadian GST refund form to get back the sales tax I paid on the can of chili that stayed in Canada. -- K. Also I want a refund on the cost of all the mosquito lotion I had to use in Edmonton. (What sort of bozos decided to build the city next to a _river_?) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Nice Thing About Chickpeas Date: Mon, 21 Aug 2000 04:22:25 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > Ranjit Bhatnagar (ranjit+ark@moonmilk.com) wrote: > > > > In that case, I won't tell you about the nanotech dream I > > had years ago, the premise being that nanotech had escaped > > from the lab and become a pestilence like mold or kudzu. > > The only scene I remember vividly was of a person in the > > dentist's chair having complicated metallic growths scraped > > off of his braces. > > I'd like to have nightmares about nanotech. The most high-tech nightmares > I have are usually nuclear-based, that that gets old pretty fast. I propose that we ban all nanotechnology forever because if some absent-minded scientist ever leaves the screen door open it will escape and reduce the whole world to an endless sea of gray goo with an IQ of 3... you know, just like the Internet. -- K. Except without the pornography, unless nanobots excrete pornography. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hath this newsgroup no shame? Date: Tue, 22 Aug 2000 06:55:46 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > [on the topic of s-x] > > > > BUT REMEMBER FOLKS!! (Especially VIRGINS!!) One in a thousand people > > are KILLED or SERIOUSLY INJURED by their first time!! DON'T TAKE THE > > RISK!!!1!!! IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT! > > If sex were a toy, it would have been recalled because, after a hundred > thousand were distributed, one idiot choked to death on it. "Today we are recalling all the soft-gel texture-ribbed Anal Penetrators in the world because kids have been using them as dive sticks. Also, ben-wa balls are being taken off the market because some baby put a PokŽmon doll inside one. Please return your sex toys to the place of purchase to receive your choice of one copy of Panty Salesman's Privilege or Panty Cat And The Special Waterbed." -- K. Does the government require those warning labels on sex toys that say "MAY CAUSE GANGRENE OF THE PENIS", or are they just saying that to distract you from noticing that it's just a ten-cent rubber O-ring from Home Depot? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Whoosh! Kontext-Away Fails, Leaving An Entire Page Intact! Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2000 02:32:40 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com From a Web page titled "An Embarassment Of Buggers": -> -> Dan Bailey's shop (800/356-4052; www.dan-bailey.com) in Livingston, -> Montana, has some of the freshest new offerings in the bugger world. The -> Rubber Leg Bugger, a traditional bugger with attached rubber legs that -> make it more lively, comes in black, brown and olive ($1.85) and is -> nasty on trout. For stillwater trout (and even bass), they offer the -> Krystal Bugger ($1.85), tied with light-reflecting flash, in black, -> olive and purple. And don't forget the stillwater favorites, the -> odd-looking Craw Bugger and the odder-still Conehead Bitch Bugger ($1.95 -> a piece). For steelhead and Pacific salmon, there's the Egghead Crystal -> Bugger (a descendent of the egg-sucking leech) in black and purple and -> the Egghead Rabbit Bugger (a cross between and bunny fly and a bugger) -> in black and purple. -> -> The Fly Shop (800/669-3474; www.theflyshop.com) in Redding, California, -> has some of the most creatively tied (and named) buggers, starting with -> the Dragon Bugger, which is actually a stillwater nymph made to imitate -> a dragonfly. Then there's the G.B. Rubberbugger ($2.25), a combo of -> marabou, bead head and rubber legs, and the bottom-dragging Dredger -> Bugger in motor oil black. But by far my favorite two flies they offer -> are the Darth Bugger ($2.25), a Pacific salmon and steelhead fly that is -> dark and scary, like its namesake, and Mercer's Chumbugger $1.95), a -> Chum salmon fly so vibrant it makes your eyes water. -> -> Orvis (www.orvis.com; 800/541-3541) is known for its tradition-good -> rods, good flies and good service. And like everyone else, it has -> the wooly bugger and the popular beadhead and the conehead versions. -> But Orvis also has two progressive and original bugger patterns. The -> high-winged Girdle Bugger ($1.95) takes some getting used to, but -> once you catch your first couple of fish with it, you'll be a -> convert, too. The Bead Head Lite Brite Bugger ($1.95), a black-bodied -> bugger with sparse white, high-visibility hackle tied around it, -> is easy on the eye and deadly in the water--the answer to the Darth Bugger. Words... are... failing... me... help... me... Spock. I swear I was not searching the Web for the phrases "Conehead bitch", "high-winged girdle", or "Lite Brite" when I found this. -- K. I have a sneaking suspicion that that Web page is an elaborate hoax perpetrated by our pal Ranjit Batmanbugger. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Scratch The Earthquake. Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2000 02:57:40 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: Scratch The Earthquake. Aug. 18, 2000. > > Hold the phone. > Stop the presses. > > I just received some news from my friend Charlotte, that the > possible earthquake down in Southern, Caif. will probably not happen. > Here is what she says and I do have confidence in her because she > does have a good track record in predicting earthquakes in the past. But if she's good at predicting earthquakes, that means she's bad at NOT predicting earthquakes, so I don't believe her about how there WON'T be one. I'm building my earthquake shelter right now. So that it won't be damaged, I'm going to build it as far above the ground as possible! Also, can goldfish sense earthquakes? If so, I'll never buy any goldfish, because I don't want them acting wacky every time there's a little earthquake. -- K. I'm also worried that each earthquake will be accompanied by an earthquisp. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: A crunchy, sugary blast from the past. Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2000 03:06:18 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com There's a new commercial for some sugar cereal (Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I think) in which this guy thinks he's all grown up now that he's living in a dorm room but this giant Hand Of God comes down from the dorm ceiling and forces him to sit in a red stereo chair and makes him play video games so that he'll realize he's still just a kid inside so he'll continue buying Cinnamon Toast Crunch. The worrisome part of this is that the videogame he's playing is... "ChexQuest". Not only has the world not forgotten "ChexQuest", but now "ChexQuest" is being used to advertise COMPETING cereals! Okay, so they're not really competitors -- Chex and Cinnamon Toast Crunch are both stamped out by greasy machines at General Mills (the company with a backwards G-clef as its logo.) But still, it's the principle of the thing! -- K. The worst thing about "ChexQuest" is that it's way too easy. It's almost as easy as "Coke Wins". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A crunchy, sugary blast from the past. Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2000 06:31:32 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Tom Kraemer (tkraemer@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > There's a new commercial for some sugar cereal > > (Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I think) > > One of my cousins named their daughter "Cinnamon". When she went to > grade school her nickname immediately became "Cinnamon, TOAST Crunch!" > (sing it, you know the melody!). Apparently it was quite traumatic, > either that or she didn't get a good grounding in the martial arts > before being sent to school. If she had, her nickname might very well > have been "Cinnamon Stick", or "girl who kicked me in the nuts when I > made fun of her name". "Cinnamon Stick" sounds meaner, and has all sorts > of potential for an action-movie heroine. I'm definitely going to start calling my mother-in-law "Cinnamon Stick" from now on. Or, if I really want to insult her, "Jane Badler". > I think she eventually started using her middle name, which didn't come > from the spice rack, or from the Spice Girls thank god. One thing I always liked about the original "Mission: Impossible" (before Lynda Day George or Jane Badler) was that the IMF's dossier on Cinnamon Carter always contained some photos of her on the cover of a fashion magazine named "Fashion" magazine. This makes me assume that in all those imaginary countries in which they masterminded juntas, they could have gone to a local newsstand and found fashion magazines with names like "Fazhion" and "FŠshi¿n". Except in the first season, when they actually acknowledged that Central American banana republics spoke Spanish. That was before they started hanging around all those Slavic countries that spoke English but with extra dots over all the vowels, and way before they decided to spend the rest of their lives protecting one hardware store from getting heisted by mobsters. Also, if they bought back the show now, how would they continue the logical progression of Barbara Bain -> Lynda Day George -> Jane Badler? The only person who could outdo Jane Badler's woodenness would be Ralph Nader, but he's probably not capable of that over-the-top sort of faux sultry. -- K. After all, Lucille Ball circa 1985 isn't available. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kook music Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2000 03:19:50 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [on odd obsessions, odd compulsions, and odd vegetables] Darla S VladsChyk (Darla4695@sprint.spoiler.ca) wrote: > > Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > > > Ok, mine is that I can't buy stuff at the grocery store in odd numbers. > > Ahh, see--- and I can buy in odd numbers IFF the objet in question is > a fruit or a veggie. Three bananas. Five apples. Seven zucchini. > Like that. Canned goods etc are purchased in even numbers. Meat is > purchased in a Fibonnaci Sequence. > > I currently have 236 wieners in my freezers. You freeze your icy wieners? Why? I mean, it's harder to jam them into the toaster to cook them if they're frozen stiff. Unless, of course, you get those new bagel-shaped "O" hot dogs. Where do they get those natural casings which don't have any loose ends? And why? Why why why? -- K. I buy two of every frozen food I like because I assume that if I like it I might want to eat another one someday, and the stupid supermarket will discontinue it before then. P.S. 236 isn't a Fibonacci number, you weiner-miscounter. Either you have three extra weiners or else you left at least 141 of them on the floor of the taxi. 1 1 2 3 5 8 13 21 34 55 89 144 233 377 610 987 1597 2584 4181 6765 10946 17711 28657 46368 75025 121393 196418 317811 514229 832040 1346269 2178309 3524578 5702887 9227465 14930352 24157817 39088169 63245986 102334155 165580141 267914296 433494437 701408733 1134903170 1836311903 2971215073 4807526976 7778742049 12586269025 20365011074 32951280099 AND SO ON!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kook music Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2000 04:21:22 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Peter Seebach (seebs@plethora.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. 236 isn't a Fibonacci number, you weiner-miscounter. Either you > > have three extra weiners or else you left at least 141 of them > > on the floor of the taxi. > > Not true at all! Start with "2 10". Not all Fibonacci series start with > "1 1". The only REAL Fibonacci series does. You're confusing a general category of recurrence relations with THE Fibonacci sequence, which is a specific series, just as the Lucas sequence is. ("1 3 4 7 11 18 ...") There are various other named sequences of summed numbers which are not Fibonacci sequences, although they follow a similar recurrence rule. Now, Fibonacci polynomials, according to my references, include both the standard Fibonacci sequence and the Lucas numbers. The Fibonacci polynomials consist of the series starting with "1" followed by any positive integer. But your "2 10 ..." doesn't. Besides, you STOLE it from the one which begins "8 2 ..."! I've seen one reference which calls any series related by F(n)=F(n-1)+F(n-2) "a Fibonacci-like series" and another which calls it a "generalized Fibonacci series" but in general usage "the Fibonacci numbers" refers only to the series "1 1 2 3 5 8 ...". (Some people consider it to start with zero.) For instance, anyone who would refer to the Lucas series ("1 3 4 ...") as "Fibonacci numbers" would get laughed at, at least in any of the math classes I taught, if I taught math classes. Any actual math professors on alt.religion.kibology are welcome to differ, bearing in mind that their opinions will be disregarded because any math professor who subscribed to alt.religion.kibology must be a complete bozo, and because Kibo is never wrong about anything he looked up on the Web. The Fibonacci numbers can be used to compute the golden mean, so I'm golden right and you're golden wrong. So there sothere theresothere sotheretheresothere theresotheresotheretheresothere sotheretheresotheretheresotheresotheretheresothere!!! -- Kibonacci discoverer of the Kibo sequence, "1 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 ..." WHAT MYSTICAL PROPERTIES CAUSE IT TO HAVE NO TWO? AND NO OTHER EVEN PRIMES? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: the MARTY thread Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2000 03:34:45 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [we're making fun of people with obsessive-compulsive disorder, except for Howie Mandel, who we would never laugh at] Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > > > My friend, Marty, has a wicked case of OCD. I've known the guy for years > > and it still baffles me. A quick list of the things that bug him (or > > torment him, I should say): > > > > - Marty cannot sit down in any public place due to fear of > > Scrotal Skin Cell (let's just call it SSC) contamination. > > > > - Marty has NEVER sat down in my home because of his fear of CAT > > scrotal skin cells (even though my cats have been neutered and > > probably don't have much of scrotums to write home about!) > > > > - Marty doesn't have furniture. Nothing. He has his whole condo wrapped in > > PLASTIC. Yep. Plastic bags stuck to the floor everywhere. Wall-to-wall. > > He sleeps on the floor using a 12-pack toilet paper thingy as a pillow. > > I remember Kibo posting about a woman he met in a grocery line who seemed > very similar in description. YOUR SUBTLE HINT IS MY COMMAND! Look below and you shall see a repost of that exciting encounter! > This is why I'm compelled to break every rule I have at least once. > Just to prove that I can break it. But that's a rule. So now you have to NOT break one of your rules (other than that one) otherwise you'll be trapped in a logical paradox just like on every seventh episode of "Doctor Who". Except on Tuesdays, when it was every eleventh episode, but then you have to say "fizzbin" whenever the Doctor takes a drink. YOU'RE WEIRD! /////// it's an encore presentation of a classic episode, i.e. a rerun /////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Why Do I Keep Going To This Supermarket? Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 28 Dec 1998 06:33:17 GMT Okay, I thought that rant I wrote earlier today about the tomato soup commercial was going to be the most rant-like thing I wrote today, saving me from becoming The Secret Square in the Nolan Rant Graph: UNIMPORTANT IMPORTANT +-----------------+----------------+ | | | FUNNY | Dennis Miller | Lenny Bruce | | | | +-----------------+----------------+ | | | NOT FUNNY | Dennis Leary | Adolf Hitler | | | | +-----------------+----------------+ ...but then I went to the Prudential Star Market (not to buy tomato soup) and something rantworthy happened. Let's wind up to the stupid event with a side trip down memory lane. I arrived at the supermarket around 11:25 P.M. on Sunday night, which is always a mistake. When I tried to pass through the little magazine aisle, there were two people standing there reading the magazines leisurely. (Apparently people are desperate enough for entertainment that they go to the supermarket to read magazines around midnight on Sundays.) According to the laws of bozo distribution, one of these two people was standing directly in front of the middle of the magazine rack, while the other was careful to stand on the opposite side of the aisle from the magazine rack, i.e. directly behind the other bozo, blocking the aisle completely. As I forced my cart between these people (because most of the good food is behind the magazines, which occupy the joint in the L-shaped supermarket) I made a mental note that I would have to stop shopping just before midnight on Sundays because that's the time of the week when the supermarket is the least crowded except that all the people who are there are complete and total morons. Then I realized that I was also there, but this didn't really apply to me because I was smart enough to call the other people bozos here. Anyway, it made me remember the horrible experiences I've had waiting in line (at the only checkout counter of twelve which stays open at midnight on Sundays), such as the time I was behind the francophone jerk. You may recall that about two months ago I wrote about the cardboard "DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR"s at the Prudential Star Market and how the French-Canadian bozeau pushed the divider away from his groceries and towards mine so that he might claim a larger buffer zone between his groceries and the buffer between his groceries and my groceries. Another experience I had waiting in that line at that time of night was to have the unfortunate luck to be directly behind the guy who I thought had to be the worst-smelling person in Boston. (I never told you about him because I have since learned I was wrong about him.) Anyway, I progressed past the extremely minor irritation of the people blocking the magazine aisle and did my shopping. Two skinny gals who spent the entire time arguing over the number of servings in a tub of yogurt kept appearing everywhere I wanted to be, unsure of which way they wanted to go (did they want to cut in front of me to make a left turn? No, they wanted to cut in front of me to make a three-point U-turn. Twice.) And the market smelled like cheesy vomit because apparently they were cooking stinky cheese around midnight. Nevertheless, I managed to finish my shopping, and got in the only functioning checkout line around 11:40 P.M. The two gals (who were still bickering) were being checked out, and there was a middle-aged woman behind them, and I was behind her. She turned around and stared at the contents of my grocery basket for a full thirty seconds before going back to facing the right way. Then a little while later she turned to me and said with a smile, "It's gonna be a long wait. Have patience." I gave her a noncommital smile (one Berne-style stroke returned, a single quantum of attention) and she turned back towards her cart. Little did I know the import of her warning. I assumed she was with the yogurt people because she didn't put any groceries on the conveyor belt and was pushing a cart which appeared to be empty, except for some wadded-up empty plastic bags in the back (you know, the rumble seat where the toddlers won't stay.) She also had one of those boxes containing a roll of plastic bags, presumably swiped from a previous trip through the checkout line. So since I assumed she was with the people ahead of her who had visible groceries, I put my stuff on the belt. I don't like to wash dishes, so I was buying some paper plates and some disposable plastic bowls, which I set on top of the paper plates. (I pay extra to get the plastic ones because none of the plastic-laminated-paper ones are even remotely soup-proof.) The woman ahead of me turns and stares at my groceries again. "Are those plastic?" she asked. "Yeah," I replied wittily. She went back to facing front. Then she turned around again. "They look like paper." she said of the blood-red plastic bowls sparkling in the bright lights of the night-time supermarket. "Yeah," I rejoindered. She faced front again. She turned around again. "The ones under 'em, they're paper, right?" "Yeah," I volunteered. With that, our conversation thankfully self-terminated. It is always awkward when strangers (or clerks) make conversation about your groceries (and even worse when the next time you bump into them they remember your previous groceries and ask why you're not buying XYZ Egg Rolls this week) and stupid questions along the general lines of "ARE THOSE SHINY RED PLASTIC BOWLS PLASTIC OR TISSUE PAPER?" don't help. The yogurt twins had been checked out, and the clerk ran the conveyor belt forward to bring my groceries up to the line of scrimmage. But it turned out that the mystery woman did indeed have groceries to ring up, pointing out to the confused clerk who was trying to ring up my food that she had a candy bar. She held out the candy bar (a one-pound Cadbury With Almonds) and quietly said, "You can keep this one, but I need the others back." An interesting demonstration of the power of human bozosity followed. After the clerk scanned the Cadbury bar and put it in a bag, Mystery Woman proceeded to hand the clerk a series of other items, which had been individually wrapped in clear plastic bags. The clerk was required to scan them and then hand them back. None of the food was allowed to touch the belt or the clerk. I noticed that Mystery Woman was wearing disposable rubber gloves. Aha, you're saying to yourself, I know the type. She's slightly crazy in a harmless little way -- obsessed with personal cleanliness. Sorry, that scores as a buzzer. The real punchline is: This woman smelled far, far, far worse than any other odor I have ever smelled! She smelled worse than it was physically possible for her to smell. Even if he had had long fingernails, Superman could not have clawed through the tightly-knit web of squiggly stink lines to save Lois Lane's baby from Hitler. If I had filmed this woman, a close study of the footage would have revealed her to be emitting three to five glowing, tightly collimated beams of coherent smell in different directions in every frame like a "Star Trek" photon torpedo made of concentrated smell. You could have cut her Odor Cloud with a knife provided the knife was made of noncorrosive polyethylene. Her aroma was beyond all human concepts of smell, a smell so strong that it warped the space-time continuum. This woman was stinky-poo and I don't just mean stinky-cheese or stinky-asafetida but stinky-POO. In fact, near her, I couldn't even smell the barfy cheese smell that permeated the market. Being near her made me want to start frantically rubbing my entire body with scented toilet paper. It was like being in a jail cell made entirely of poo. Summoning all my stamina, I prevented myself from flushing the giant invisible toilet this woman lived in as the clerk asked her if she had a Star Advantage Card. "I thought about bringing it," said Stinky-Poo, "...but I didn't." I noticed that her disposable rubber gloves were filthy. The clerk pushed the buttons that correspond to the imaginary Star Advantage Card number which is used for anyone who says they have a card but doesn't (everyone gets the discount, except for people who say "What's a card?") and the woman paid, then the clerk tried to hand her the bag she'd put the Cadbury bar into. "I don't want it," said Stink-O, "That was just for you to scan, I've got another one here." This explains why the candy bar was the only thing not shrouded in plastic bags from her personal stash: she had gotten a duplicate for the clerk to touch. Because grocery clerks obviously have more germs than Filthy Disgusting Odor Woman. It was the longest, stinkiest wait I've ever had in a line that short. Anyway, I need to stop shopping for groceries late at night on weekends. And the next time I'm in that market, I'm going to bring along my stamp pad and put big black fingerprints all over all the candy bars. -- K. Incidentally, I'm still wondering what would happen if Zeno showed up next to the francophone bozeau and started putting "DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR" bars between his groceries and the other "DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR" bar. /////////////////////////////////// end of rerun /////////////////////////// I should be at that supermarket RIGHT NOW, but I'm busy catching up with the insane rantings of you people. I also haven't had time to set up my all-orange-cones or all-DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR Web sites because I like you people too much. I hate you. Why do I hang around with you maladjusted people? -- K. Look! Everything lines up right here! THE END. (NOT "ENB", THAT WOULD BE WRONG.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Writing about poltics is hard! Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2000 06:15:25 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I finally got last week's installment of Kibo's Mostly Rants mostly written: http://www.The-Election.com/rants ...writing about politics is HARD! It makes me LEARN STUFF, or at least look it up! I had to read biographies of Buchanan and Hagelin and Reagan! I had to learn to stop spelling Ezola Foster's first name with a "b"! I had to complain about the normal media complaining too much about all the same stuff I was complaining about! I had to explain what a Nolan Graph is! I WANT A RAISE! So, from now on, I'm going to do like Stephen King, only retroactively -- every one of you who has read any of the 13 previous installements of Kibo's Mostly Rants now owes me a dollar for each time you read each installment. You can read the full payment schedule at http://www.The-Election.com/rants although I'm not sure which document it's in, you'd better just read them all and then send me a big check. Those of you who find stupid typos or errors of fact will NOT receive discounted rates, unless you swear on a stack of Bibles that you support all my positions: (a) Bush sucks, (b) Gore sucks, (c) Nader sucks, (d) Buchanan sucks, (e) Hagelin sucks, (f) whoever the Libertarian candidate is undoubtedly sucks, (g) Desi was more talented than Lucy, and (h) I deserve a raise. If I don't receive payments from 75% of all the people on the Internet, I will go back to my old job, ghostwriting those Harry Potter novels. (What, you thought Harry Potter wrote them himself? I enjoyed working for Harry Potter, he used to tell me all sorts of fun stories about working with Alan Alda and Loretta Swit.) -- K. I'm going to see if I can negotiate a new contract where The-Election.com will pay me based on how many "hits" the Rants page gets.