Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Whoosh! Kontext-Away Fails, Leaving An Entire Page Intact! Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2000 02:32:40 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com From a Web page titled "An Embarassment Of Buggers": -> -> Dan Bailey's shop (800/356-4052; www.dan-bailey.com) in Livingston, -> Montana, has some of the freshest new offerings in the bugger world. The -> Rubber Leg Bugger, a traditional bugger with attached rubber legs that -> make it more lively, comes in black, brown and olive ($1.85) and is -> nasty on trout. For stillwater trout (and even bass), they offer the -> Krystal Bugger ($1.85), tied with light-reflecting flash, in black, -> olive and purple. And don't forget the stillwater favorites, the -> odd-looking Craw Bugger and the odder-still Conehead Bitch Bugger ($1.95 -> a piece). For steelhead and Pacific salmon, there's the Egghead Crystal -> Bugger (a descendent of the egg-sucking leech) in black and purple and -> the Egghead Rabbit Bugger (a cross between and bunny fly and a bugger) -> in black and purple. -> -> The Fly Shop (800/669-3474; www.theflyshop.com) in Redding, California, -> has some of the most creatively tied (and named) buggers, starting with -> the Dragon Bugger, which is actually a stillwater nymph made to imitate -> a dragonfly. Then there's the G.B. Rubberbugger ($2.25), a combo of -> marabou, bead head and rubber legs, and the bottom-dragging Dredger -> Bugger in motor oil black. But by far my favorite two flies they offer -> are the Darth Bugger ($2.25), a Pacific salmon and steelhead fly that is -> dark and scary, like its namesake, and Mercer's Chumbugger $1.95), a -> Chum salmon fly so vibrant it makes your eyes water. -> -> Orvis (www.orvis.com; 800/541-3541) is known for its tradition-good -> rods, good flies and good service. And like everyone else, it has -> the wooly bugger and the popular beadhead and the conehead versions. -> But Orvis also has two progressive and original bugger patterns. The -> high-winged Girdle Bugger ($1.95) takes some getting used to, but -> once you catch your first couple of fish with it, you'll be a -> convert, too. The Bead Head Lite Brite Bugger ($1.95), a black-bodied -> bugger with sparse white, high-visibility hackle tied around it, -> is easy on the eye and deadly in the water--the answer to the Darth Bugger. Words... are... failing... me... help... me... Spock. I swear I was not searching the Web for the phrases "Conehead bitch", "high-winged girdle", or "Lite Brite" when I found this. -- K. I have a sneaking suspicion that that Web page is an elaborate hoax perpetrated by our pal Ranjit Batmanbugger. ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Scratch The Earthquake. Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2000 02:57:40 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: Scratch The Earthquake. Aug. 18, 2000. > > Hold the phone. > Stop the presses. > > I just received some news from my friend Charlotte, that the > possible earthquake down in Southern, Caif. will probably not happen. > Here is what she says and I do have confidence in her because she > does have a good track record in predicting earthquakes in the past. But if she's good at predicting earthquakes, that means she's bad at NOT predicting earthquakes, so I don't believe her about how there WON'T be one. I'm building my earthquake shelter right now. So that it won't be damaged, I'm going to build it as far above the ground as possible! Also, can goldfish sense earthquakes? If so, I'll never buy any goldfish, because I don't want them acting wacky every time there's a little earthquake. -- K. I'm also worried that each earthquake will be accompanied by an earthquisp. ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: A crunchy, sugary blast from the past. Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2000 03:06:18 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com There's a new commercial for some sugar cereal (Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I think) in which this guy thinks he's all grown up now that he's living in a dorm room but this giant Hand Of God comes down from the dorm ceiling and forces him to sit in a red stereo chair and makes him play video games so that he'll realize he's still just a kid inside so he'll continue buying Cinnamon Toast Crunch. The worrisome part of this is that the videogame he's playing is... "ChexQuest". Not only has the world not forgotten "ChexQuest", but now "ChexQuest" is being used to advertise COMPETING cereals! Okay, so they're not really competitors -- Chex and Cinnamon Toast Crunch are both stamped out by greasy machines at General Mills (the company with a backwards G-clef as its logo.) But still, it's the principle of the thing! -- K. The worst thing about "ChexQuest" is that it's way too easy. It's almost as easy as "Coke Wins". ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A crunchy, sugary blast from the past. Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2000 06:31:32 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Tom Kraemer (tkraemer@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > There's a new commercial for some sugar cereal > > (Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I think) > > One of my cousins named their daughter "Cinnamon". When she went to > grade school her nickname immediately became "Cinnamon, TOAST Crunch!" > (sing it, you know the melody!). Apparently it was quite traumatic, > either that or she didn't get a good grounding in the martial arts > before being sent to school. If she had, her nickname might very well > have been "Cinnamon Stick", or "girl who kicked me in the nuts when I > made fun of her name". "Cinnamon Stick" sounds meaner, and has all sorts > of potential for an action-movie heroine. I'm definitely going to start calling my mother-in-law "Cinnamon Stick" from now on. Or, if I really want to insult her, "Jane Badler". > I think she eventually started using her middle name, which didn't come > from the spice rack, or from the Spice Girls thank god. One thing I always liked about the original "Mission: Impossible" (before Lynda Day George or Jane Badler) was that the IMF's dossier on Cinnamon Carter always contained some photos of her on the cover of a fashion magazine named "Fashion" magazine. This makes me assume that in all those imaginary countries in which they masterminded juntas, they could have gone to a local newsstand and found fashion magazines with names like "Fazhion" and "FŠshiżn". Except in the first season, when they actually acknowledged that Central American banana republics spoke Spanish. That was before they started hanging around all those Slavic countries that spoke English but with extra dots over all the vowels, and way before they decided to spend the rest of their lives protecting one hardware store from getting heisted by mobsters. Also, if they bought back the show now, how would they continue the logical progression of Barbara Bain -> Lynda Day George -> Jane Badler? The only person who could outdo Jane Badler's woodenness would be Ralph Nader, but he's probably not capable of that over-the-top sort of faux sultry. -- K. After all, Lucille Ball circa 1985 isn't available. ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kook music Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2000 03:19:50 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [on odd obsessions, odd compulsions, and odd vegetables] Darla S VladsChyk (Darla4695@sprint.spoiler.ca) wrote: > > Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > > > Ok, mine is that I can't buy stuff at the grocery store in odd numbers. > > Ahh, see--- and I can buy in odd numbers IFF the objet in question is > a fruit or a veggie. Three bananas. Five apples. Seven zucchini. > Like that. Canned goods etc are purchased in even numbers. Meat is > purchased in a Fibonnaci Sequence. > > I currently have 236 wieners in my freezers. You freeze your icy wieners? Why? I mean, it's harder to jam them into the toaster to cook them if they're frozen stiff. Unless, of course, you get those new bagel-shaped "O" hot dogs. Where do they get those natural casings which don't have any loose ends? And why? Why why why? -- K. I buy two of every frozen food I like because I assume that if I like it I might want to eat another one someday, and the stupid supermarket will discontinue it before then. P.S. 236 isn't a Fibonacci number, you weiner-miscounter. Either you have three extra weiners or else you left at least 141 of them on the floor of the taxi. 1 1 2 3 5 8 13 21 34 55 89 144 233 377 610 987 1597 2584 4181 6765 10946 17711 28657 46368 75025 121393 196418 317811 514229 832040 1346269 2178309 3524578 5702887 9227465 14930352 24157817 39088169 63245986 102334155 165580141 267914296 433494437 701408733 1134903170 1836311903 2971215073 4807526976 7778742049 12586269025 20365011074 32951280099 AND SO ON!!! ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kook music Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2000 04:21:22 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Peter Seebach (seebs@plethora.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. 236 isn't a Fibonacci number, you weiner-miscounter. Either you > > have three extra weiners or else you left at least 141 of them > > on the floor of the taxi. > > Not true at all! Start with "2 10". Not all Fibonacci series start with > "1 1". The only REAL Fibonacci series does. You're confusing a general category of recurrence relations with THE Fibonacci sequence, which is a specific series, just as the Lucas sequence is. ("1 3 4 7 11 18 ...") There are various other named sequences of summed numbers which are not Fibonacci sequences, although they follow a similar recurrence rule. Now, Fibonacci polynomials, according to my references, include both the standard Fibonacci sequence and the Lucas numbers. The Fibonacci polynomials consist of the series starting with "1" followed by any positive integer. But your "2 10 ..." doesn't. Besides, you STOLE it from the one which begins "8 2 ..."! I've seen one reference which calls any series related by F(n)=F(n-1)+F(n-2) "a Fibonacci-like series" and another which calls it a "generalized Fibonacci series" but in general usage "the Fibonacci numbers" refers only to the series "1 1 2 3 5 8 ...". (Some people consider it to start with zero.) For instance, anyone who would refer to the Lucas series ("1 3 4 ...") as "Fibonacci numbers" would get laughed at, at least in any of the math classes I taught, if I taught math classes. Any actual math professors on alt.religion.kibology are welcome to differ, bearing in mind that their opinions will be disregarded because any math professor who subscribed to alt.religion.kibology must be a complete bozo, and because Kibo is never wrong about anything he looked up on the Web. The Fibonacci numbers can be used to compute the golden mean, so I'm golden right and you're golden wrong. So there sothere theresothere sotheretheresothere theresotheresotheretheresothere sotheretheresotheretheresotheresotheretheresothere!!! -- Kibonacci discoverer of the Kibo sequence, "1 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 ..." WHAT MYSTICAL PROPERTIES CAUSE IT TO HAVE NO TWO? AND NO OTHER EVEN PRIMES? ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: the MARTY thread Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2000 03:34:45 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [we're making fun of people with obsessive-compulsive disorder, except for Howie Mandel, who we would never laugh at] Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > > > My friend, Marty, has a wicked case of OCD. I've known the guy for years > > and it still baffles me. A quick list of the things that bug him (or > > torment him, I should say): > > > > - Marty cannot sit down in any public place due to fear of > > Scrotal Skin Cell (let's just call it SSC) contamination. > > > > - Marty has NEVER sat down in my home because of his fear of CAT > > scrotal skin cells (even though my cats have been neutered and > > probably don't have much of scrotums to write home about!) > > > > - Marty doesn't have furniture. Nothing. He has his whole condo wrapped in > > PLASTIC. Yep. Plastic bags stuck to the floor everywhere. Wall-to-wall. > > He sleeps on the floor using a 12-pack toilet paper thingy as a pillow. > > I remember Kibo posting about a woman he met in a grocery line who seemed > very similar in description. YOUR SUBTLE HINT IS MY COMMAND! Look below and you shall see a repost of that exciting encounter! > This is why I'm compelled to break every rule I have at least once. > Just to prove that I can break it. But that's a rule. So now you have to NOT break one of your rules (other than that one) otherwise you'll be trapped in a logical paradox just like on every seventh episode of "Doctor Who". Except on Tuesdays, when it was every eleventh episode, but then you have to say "fizzbin" whenever the Doctor takes a drink. YOU'RE WEIRD! /////// it's an encore presentation of a classic episode, i.e. a rerun /////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Why Do I Keep Going To This Supermarket? Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 28 Dec 1998 06:33:17 GMT Okay, I thought that rant I wrote earlier today about the tomato soup commercial was going to be the most rant-like thing I wrote today, saving me from becoming The Secret Square in the Nolan Rant Graph: UNIMPORTANT IMPORTANT +-----------------+----------------+ | | | FUNNY | Dennis Miller | Lenny Bruce | | | | +-----------------+----------------+ | | | NOT FUNNY | Dennis Leary | Adolf Hitler | | | | +-----------------+----------------+ ...but then I went to the Prudential Star Market (not to buy tomato soup) and something rantworthy happened. Let's wind up to the stupid event with a side trip down memory lane. I arrived at the supermarket around 11:25 P.M. on Sunday night, which is always a mistake. When I tried to pass through the little magazine aisle, there were two people standing there reading the magazines leisurely. (Apparently people are desperate enough for entertainment that they go to the supermarket to read magazines around midnight on Sundays.) According to the laws of bozo distribution, one of these two people was standing directly in front of the middle of the magazine rack, while the other was careful to stand on the opposite side of the aisle from the magazine rack, i.e. directly behind the other bozo, blocking the aisle completely. As I forced my cart between these people (because most of the good food is behind the magazines, which occupy the joint in the L-shaped supermarket) I made a mental note that I would have to stop shopping just before midnight on Sundays because that's the time of the week when the supermarket is the least crowded except that all the people who are there are complete and total morons. Then I realized that I was also there, but this didn't really apply to me because I was smart enough to call the other people bozos here. Anyway, it made me remember the horrible experiences I've had waiting in line (at the only checkout counter of twelve which stays open at midnight on Sundays), such as the time I was behind the francophone jerk. You may recall that about two months ago I wrote about the cardboard "DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR"s at the Prudential Star Market and how the French-Canadian bozeau pushed the divider away from his groceries and towards mine so that he might claim a larger buffer zone between his groceries and the buffer between his groceries and my groceries. Another experience I had waiting in that line at that time of night was to have the unfortunate luck to be directly behind the guy who I thought had to be the worst-smelling person in Boston. (I never told you about him because I have since learned I was wrong about him.) Anyway, I progressed past the extremely minor irritation of the people blocking the magazine aisle and did my shopping. Two skinny gals who spent the entire time arguing over the number of servings in a tub of yogurt kept appearing everywhere I wanted to be, unsure of which way they wanted to go (did they want to cut in front of me to make a left turn? No, they wanted to cut in front of me to make a three-point U-turn. Twice.) And the market smelled like cheesy vomit because apparently they were cooking stinky cheese around midnight. Nevertheless, I managed to finish my shopping, and got in the only functioning checkout line around 11:40 P.M. The two gals (who were still bickering) were being checked out, and there was a middle-aged woman behind them, and I was behind her. She turned around and stared at the contents of my grocery basket for a full thirty seconds before going back to facing the right way. Then a little while later she turned to me and said with a smile, "It's gonna be a long wait. Have patience." I gave her a noncommital smile (one Berne-style stroke returned, a single quantum of attention) and she turned back towards her cart. Little did I know the import of her warning. I assumed she was with the yogurt people because she didn't put any groceries on the conveyor belt and was pushing a cart which appeared to be empty, except for some wadded-up empty plastic bags in the back (you know, the rumble seat where the toddlers won't stay.) She also had one of those boxes containing a roll of plastic bags, presumably swiped from a previous trip through the checkout line. So since I assumed she was with the people ahead of her who had visible groceries, I put my stuff on the belt. I don't like to wash dishes, so I was buying some paper plates and some disposable plastic bowls, which I set on top of the paper plates. (I pay extra to get the plastic ones because none of the plastic-laminated-paper ones are even remotely soup-proof.) The woman ahead of me turns and stares at my groceries again. "Are those plastic?" she asked. "Yeah," I replied wittily. She went back to facing front. Then she turned around again. "They look like paper." she said of the blood-red plastic bowls sparkling in the bright lights of the night-time supermarket. "Yeah," I rejoindered. She faced front again. She turned around again. "The ones under 'em, they're paper, right?" "Yeah," I volunteered. With that, our conversation thankfully self-terminated. It is always awkward when strangers (or clerks) make conversation about your groceries (and even worse when the next time you bump into them they remember your previous groceries and ask why you're not buying XYZ Egg Rolls this week) and stupid questions along the general lines of "ARE THOSE SHINY RED PLASTIC BOWLS PLASTIC OR TISSUE PAPER?" don't help. The yogurt twins had been checked out, and the clerk ran the conveyor belt forward to bring my groceries up to the line of scrimmage. But it turned out that the mystery woman did indeed have groceries to ring up, pointing out to the confused clerk who was trying to ring up my food that she had a candy bar. She held out the candy bar (a one-pound Cadbury With Almonds) and quietly said, "You can keep this one, but I need the others back." An interesting demonstration of the power of human bozosity followed. After the clerk scanned the Cadbury bar and put it in a bag, Mystery Woman proceeded to hand the clerk a series of other items, which had been individually wrapped in clear plastic bags. The clerk was required to scan them and then hand them back. None of the food was allowed to touch the belt or the clerk. I noticed that Mystery Woman was wearing disposable rubber gloves. Aha, you're saying to yourself, I know the type. She's slightly crazy in a harmless little way -- obsessed with personal cleanliness. Sorry, that scores as a buzzer. The real punchline is: This woman smelled far, far, far worse than any other odor I have ever smelled! She smelled worse than it was physically possible for her to smell. Even if he had had long fingernails, Superman could not have clawed through the tightly-knit web of squiggly stink lines to save Lois Lane's baby from Hitler. If I had filmed this woman, a close study of the footage would have revealed her to be emitting three to five glowing, tightly collimated beams of coherent smell in different directions in every frame like a "Star Trek" photon torpedo made of concentrated smell. You could have cut her Odor Cloud with a knife provided the knife was made of noncorrosive polyethylene. Her aroma was beyond all human concepts of smell, a smell so strong that it warped the space-time continuum. This woman was stinky-poo and I don't just mean stinky-cheese or stinky-asafetida but stinky-POO. In fact, near her, I couldn't even smell the barfy cheese smell that permeated the market. Being near her made me want to start frantically rubbing my entire body with scented toilet paper. It was like being in a jail cell made entirely of poo. Summoning all my stamina, I prevented myself from flushing the giant invisible toilet this woman lived in as the clerk asked her if she had a Star Advantage Card. "I thought about bringing it," said Stinky-Poo, "...but I didn't." I noticed that her disposable rubber gloves were filthy. The clerk pushed the buttons that correspond to the imaginary Star Advantage Card number which is used for anyone who says they have a card but doesn't (everyone gets the discount, except for people who say "What's a card?") and the woman paid, then the clerk tried to hand her the bag she'd put the Cadbury bar into. "I don't want it," said Stink-O, "That was just for you to scan, I've got another one here." This explains why the candy bar was the only thing not shrouded in plastic bags from her personal stash: she had gotten a duplicate for the clerk to touch. Because grocery clerks obviously have more germs than Filthy Disgusting Odor Woman. It was the longest, stinkiest wait I've ever had in a line that short. Anyway, I need to stop shopping for groceries late at night on weekends. And the next time I'm in that market, I'm going to bring along my stamp pad and put big black fingerprints all over all the candy bars. -- K. Incidentally, I'm still wondering what would happen if Zeno showed up next to the francophone bozeau and started putting "DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR" bars between his groceries and the other "DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR" bar. /////////////////////////////////// end of rerun /////////////////////////// I should be at that supermarket RIGHT NOW, but I'm busy catching up with the insane rantings of you people. I also haven't had time to set up my all-orange-cones or all-DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR Web sites because I like you people too much. I hate you. Why do I hang around with you maladjusted people? -- K. Look! Everything lines up right here! THE END. (NOT "ENB", THAT WOULD BE WRONG.) ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: the MARTY thread Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2000 08:40:59 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Crgre Jvyyneq wrote: > > > > Yayy! Now I get to tell everyone about how my sinuses are killing me, > > thanks to the Worst Forest Fires in Recent Memory In Nearby Montana! > > > > [...] > > > > So, anyway, I discovered that it is helpful to inhale warm water > > with a little salt and a little bicarbonate of soda in it. I like > > effervescence that much more. > > My god! You've invented Snuff Pops! That's one of those trademarks Kellogg's has been squatting on in case one of these years it's legal to sell snuff to kids. They keep these trademarks in a big file folder with all the names of the marijuana cigarettes they can produce within hours of it becoming legal, and various other trademarks held in reserve, such as "Baby's First LSD", "Coca-Enema", "Ritalingerie, The Pantyhose Hyperactive Toddlers Love To Lick", and "Rape In A Drum". Fortunately, the government doesn't let them make products which are bad for you, bad for other people, or bad for kids, except in the case of carbonated sugar water spiked with caffeine and brown dye. And sugar-free chocolate cigarettes with saccharin. And those hot dogs with the alleged chili inside which is actually just a concentrated form of red tide scum. But other than that, the government has so far kept Kellogg's Snuff Pops off the market, a decision that only hurts one person: The actor who would play the Snuff Pops mascot. -- K. (LINDA HUNT) ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Clock Reset in French Yahoo Nazi Sales Battle Date: Thu, 24 Aug 2000 10:39:45 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "robert lindsay" (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > On of my wargames has a counter for Hitler's Brane. It has a movement > allowance of 0, and looks kind of yucky. Hey, there, lowercase robert lindsay from capital N capital A capital S other A. Well, of course the counter looks yucky, if Hitler's brain has been dripping all over it next to the breadbox and Banana Hanger. But it's probably not as yucky as Alice's counter on "The Brady Bunch". I mean, she was always cooking strawberry preserves and stuff, it was probaby really sticky. Plus it was orange like an evil pumpkin! I'm not saying Alice on "The Brady Bunch" was worse than Hitler, just worse than his brain. After all, Ann B. Davis was born in Schenectady! YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT! Now here's something even grosser than Hitler's brain getting its brain juice all over your boomerang-step-and-repeat-print formica countertop: Opaque Sprite! From CNN's Web site: -> -> Coke's Senegal output scaled back after mold found -> -> ATLANTA (Reuters) -- Coca-Cola Co., hard hit last year by a -> contamination scare that left hundreds of Europeans complaining of -> illnesses, said on Wednesday it had suspended production of -> one-liter bottles of Sprite and Coca-Cola in Senegal after being -> alerted to the discovery of a mold-like substance in two items. What substances are like mold but not mold? I can only think of Astronaut Ice Cream. (In fact, I am the only one who can EVER think of Astronaut Ice Cream. I have super powers to think of things that are too uninteresting for normal people to consider.) -> Atlanta-based Coca-Cola, the world's largest soft drink company, -> said it was informed of the discovery during a meeting last week -> with Senegalese Trade Minister Koureichi Thiam and other officials -> in the West African nation. -> -> "We were called to the Ministry of Commerce and we were shown two -> bottles of one-liter Sprite and one-liter Coca-Cola which had a -> mold-like substance," said Robert Lindsay, spokesman for Coca-Cola's -> African and Middle East operations. Mr. Lindsay, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME, does NASA know you're moonlighting? I suspect they do, as we all know that NASA is behind the global conspiracy to addict Africa to caffeine so they will spend all their money on Coke and not on AIDS drugs. And also NASA covers up the fact that Coke causes AIDS and Pepsi cures AIDS and Moxie causes brain damage in anyone who buys it. Before they open it. Plus NASA cancelled "Battlestar Galactica" after only one and a half seasons to keep the public in the dark about the Cylons. ROBERT LINDSAY, I HEREBY DEMAND THAT YOU STOP POLLUTING OUR PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS WITH WARM, FUZZY COKE AND TV SHOWS WHICH ARE NOT "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA"! -> [...] -> -> Copyright 2000 Reuters. All rights reserved. This material may not -> be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. This means CNN's going to jail for publishing it! SHAME ON CNN! -- K. In other news of famous people with the same name as non-famous people, in the final episode of "Survivor", the million-dollar winner was the guy who played Apollo on "Battlestar Galactica". Now that Richard Hatch has a million dollars, he can afford to make THREE big-budget "Galactica" movies! Although then he wouldn't have any money left over to buy the legal rights from the people who made the show, not just stood around inside it. Sure, Richard Hatch has the MORAL rights to "Battlestar Galactica", but let's face it, I doubt he'd be able to get a movie off the ground even if he owned all the rights because (a) Baltar passed away a few months ago, and (b) he wouldn't be able to lure Ensign Greenbean back unless all the Vipers ran off clean electricity instead of spraying the Universe with freon from their tail ends, and I for one refuse to see any "Battlestar Galactica" movie where Ensign Greenbean doesn't get a role at least half as big as his role in the TV series. However, I'd rather see even a "Galactica 1980" movie featuring The Super Scouts than a "Survivor" movie. TV news reports about "Survivor" are all, like, totally "blah blah blah everyone loves 'Survivor' it's great and we think we're cool and stuff" but alt.religion.kibology is going all, like, "blah blah blah we're not talking about 'Survivor' even though it sucks and stuff" and so I'm grateful for the relatively high level of discourse here on alt.religion.kibology, and stuff. Please stop reading this article now. You'll hurt your eyes if you read past here. The opposite of a taste treat: "Astronaut Moxie Blocks, Now With Fizzy Fuzz" ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: BAD IDEA! An idea so bad that _TV Guide_ LIKES it! Date: Thu, 24 Aug 2000 11:28:00 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com _TV Guide_'s "Cheers and Jeers" page is always the fourth most bozotic part of that magazine, after (1) the letters to the editor ("How dare you say N'Sync is a boy band! I am a girl and I like them too! You should stop insulting your readers because I am only 13 but I know how to write letters!", (2) the astrology-and-rigged-crossword backfiller, and (3) Phil Mushnick's sports column, which is always about how he heard a dirty word on some sitcom once, THOSE DAMN KIDS! GET OFFA MY LAWN! IN MY DAY PEOPLE DIDN'T MUSS UP SPORTS BY SAYING "WANK" ONLY THREE CHANNELS AWAY! NO WIRE HANGERS EVERRRR!!! Anyway, this week "Cheers and Jeers" describes one of the worst ideas in the history of television... and they awarded it a "Cheer". You know those commercials with the talking baby advertising one of those free-Internet-access scams? (Not the one with the little boy selling cheap computers, or the one with the little boy as the president of Blimpie's, but the one with the baby with the dubbed voice.) Well... people like those commercials so much... that CBS is giving him his own sitcom. Ay yi yi. What's next, the Taco Bell chihuahua on "Whose Line Is It Anyway"? "Maytag Repairman Confessions"? "Ronald McDonald's Gay Dance Party"? Here's what _TV Guide_ said, plus my zany zingers: -> CHEERS to giving the kid a break. Baby Bob, the 7-month-old spokesinfant -> for freeinternet.com, could soon graduate from commercials to a TV series. It's happened before. Remember the "hair in a can" commercial? "T. J. Hooker". -> CBS is developing a sitcom for little Bob (in reality, little Hunter, -> a girl whose baby talk comes courtesy of digital magic and actor -> Ken Campbell) I always figured it was Brian Doyle-Murray. It sure sounds like him. But I guess they found a guy cheaper than him to be the voice of the little drooling girl. -> The show would follow the premise of the ads, I wonder who the sponsor would be? -> in which Bob interviews stars such as Shaquille O'Neal. WOW! WHAT A BRILLIANT CONCEPT FOR A CAVALCADE OF COMEDY! Think of a guy with a ponytail pitching it: "People will never get tired of a sitcom where every zany mix-up ends with a dubbed, transgendered baby interviewing spots stars! The comedy writes itself! It's just like that movie, 'Baby Geniuses', only without all that expensive stuff happening! And it'll be real cheap, since the star won't need a limo -- I'll just get my old cat-carrier out of the attic! And if the show EVER goes off the air, we'll just donate the baby to Planet Hollywood as a tax write-off!" -> But could a long-running success make Bob literally too big for -> his britches? That is, of course, a hypothetical question. Should this show last more than two episodes, the President would issue an executive order to drop atomic bombs on all TV stations in the world so that future generations be spared the horror of "Baby Geniuses: The Interview Show: The Sitcom: Year Two." All those here who think this show could last more than one year, raise your hand. All those who think the second year would be even better than the first, raise your IQ. Supposing some loophole in the laws of physics caused this series to run as long as "Happy Days" or "Murphy Brown" -- in what manner would it deteriorate year after year? (Remember when Fonzie adopted the little girl and convinced everyone that classical music was better than rock'n'roll? Just think how simperingly S*P*E*C*I*A*L every episode of "Talking Baby Computer Salesman Sports Interview Sitcom, Year Twelve" would be.) -> No, says producer Hugh Wilson ("WKRP in Cincinnati"): Bob will -> stay forever young, though that would mean periodic recasting. -> Sorry, kid, but that's showbiz. So let me get this straight: That's not the baby's real voice, that's not the baby's real gender, and soon it won't even be the real baby? They should do it like "Doctor Who" and have some Daleks come in and zap him every year, and then his face would turn to a bunch of blurry psychedelic swirls until the show came back from hiatus, if ever, and by then they could just switch him with The New Baby and people would have forgotten what the old one looked like, especially since all babies look alike anyhow, especially ones with grownup lips floating in front of the lower half of their face to help them advertise discount Internet access. And he could fly around the Universe fighting monsters while travelling through time with the power of his magic diaper, which is drier inside than out. Or another way they could replace the baby smoothly would be to just strap him into the face-cutting-off machine that John Travolta used in "Face/Off". People love seeing babies getting plastic surgery! No matter how they switch the disposable babies, I just hope they remember to make Bob black or Hispanic some weeks so as not to offend anyone. -- K. A better story idea: Make the baby a tough New York City cop investigating the murder of a different close friend every week. And his partner is a talking hemorrhoid pillow! No, wait! Sci-fi! The baby lives in an all-too-plausible world of the distant future year 2005 where the world is so overpopulated that the Ultimate Law Computer requires everyone to commit suicide by age three! Hold the presses, here's the ultimate idea! The baby runs a major TV network and week after week makes the stupidest decisions ever! And every week a giant robotic claw dips him in a different color of paint and uses him to write "DUH!" on the wall! ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: weird airline facts Date: Thu, 24 Aug 2000 11:30:14 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > from the bottom of an airline itinerary i just saw > > CLASS: > > F, A - First > Y, H, B, T - Coach > S - Standard > K - Economy Feel Allowed! You Have Been Trolled. Stupid Kibo! -- K. When I was a kid, first class was always gym. ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.philosophy.debate,alt.philosophy,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why God is a 3rd rank tensor Date: Fri, 25 Aug 2000 06:49:54 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In alt.philosophy.debate, alt.philosophy, and sci.physics, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > I've got two size 13 Keds ready to plant on your back and drive > the rest of you head up your ass so your mouth won't work any > longer if you don't get off this thread jerko. I didn't know that kids' sizes went up to 13. So, Michael Jordan wears Nikes, and Cubey wears Keds. Seems fitting somehow. -- K. "I'm Buster Brown, this is my dog Tige, and we live in a mad scientist's shoe." ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.philosophy.debate,alt.philosophy,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why God is a 3rd rank tensor Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2000 07:48:10 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In alt.philosophy.debate, alt.philosophy, and sci.physics, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > [...] > > NEVER MIND ANY ADDITIONAL "KOOK HARASSMENT" POSTS BTW. > (Kooks usually turn nasty when they find out they are talking to someone > who is over their head; simply because "kooks" think they are the > intellectual equal of "everybody"...... "hi everybody"... is their > favorite salutation. Yeah, the really smart people would never say "hi" to all people everywhere. They'd say "Hi, everybody but that crazy guy who insists his brain is a cube!" -- K. And God bless Mommy and Daddy and my teacher and Bert and Ernie and Grover and Big Bird and that cockroach I found in my cole slaw and everyone else in the whole wide world except damn Cubey. ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.fusion,soc.history.science,talk.politics.misc,sci.math,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: the only big question to ask a fusion physicist or fusion politician Date: Fri, 25 Aug 2000 07:08:58 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.physics.fusion, soc.history.science, talk.politics.misc, and sci.math, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [...] There is a beautiful set of theorems in > geometry that if you embed a sphere inside a cylinder > or vice versa a cylinder inside a sphere looking at > two parameters (1) surface area and (2) volume > that the upper limit is 2/3. Often it is the case that > theoretical physics can be reduced to a simple > mathematical or geometrical idea. When you nest > cylinders inside of spheres or spheres nested inside > cylinders, think of a two hydrogen atoms, one of > which is a sphere and the other a cylinder, and both > trying to fuse into a helium atom. That the cost-in > energy to get them to fuse is a full unit of 1, but > the energy to be released or come out is less than > 1 or a mere 2/3. The story behind the cylinder in a > sphere is a possible mathematical explanation for > a 2/3 barrier law upper limit. But, Arch, why don't you just use your super-genius brainpower to pick out two of the *round* atoms to fuse, instead of playing around with the flat-ended atoms which have been squished into cylinder shapes from having been jammed into Campbell's Soup cans for years? How do you tell a round hydrogen atom from a cylindrical hydrogen atom, anyway? Do they taste different? I know the round ones taste sour, do the cylindrical ones taste like soup? Also, your theory says nothing about square atoms, pointy atoms, doughnut-shaped atoms, or atom-shaped atoms. -- K. Round atoms, cylindrical atoms... Are you sure you're not confusing Tinkertoys with atomic models again? ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Aging Plastic Dolls May Be Hazard Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2000 07:41:27 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com For the Associated Press, Paul Recer wrote: > > Subject: Aging Plastic Dolls May Be Hazard Your special-edition Geriatric Chasey Lain Inflatable Playmate might be making you SICK! > WASHINGTON (AP) -- A sticky chemical that oozes from the plastic > used in very old Barbie dolls and some other toys poses a potential > health risk, according to an expert in the science of preservation. > Yvonne Shashoua of the National Museum of Denmark said Wednesday > that some dolls and other toys made in the 1950s with polyvinyl > chloride are deteriorating rapidly and forming a sticky film on > their plastic surfaces. > In a presentation at the national meeting of the American > Chemical Society, Shashoua said that about 15 years after they are > made, some PVC toys tend to weep a chemical used in the plastic > molding process. DON'T TOUCH THE JESUS STATUE! HE MIGHT BE CRYING POISONOUS PLASTIC TEARS! PLASTIC MAKES BABY JESUS CRY! > ``The outside of toys, such as Barbie dolls, get sticky,'' she said. Well, DUH, given that children exude melted Fudgsicle gel from their pores. > Studies in Europe show that the chemical can mimic estrogen and > disrupt development in the very young, she said. Some studies have > blamed estrogen mimics in the environment for malformation of male organs. So don't let your little boy play with Barbie dolls or he might become less manly! > The use of the troublesome plasticizer has been generally banned > and a new formula now used in PVC products does not pose a health > risk, she said. > Officials of Mattel Inc., manufacturer of the Barbie doll, did > not immediately return calls seeking comment. > Shashoua said that young children, when they pick up a sticky > doll, tend to poke their fingers into their mouths, transferring > the chemical into their bodies. > Old dolls can be made safer by wrapping them in kitchen plastic > wrap and not touching the plastic bodies directly, she said. > Preserving the dolls is a serious problem for museums, where > archived Barbies and Kens are prime cultural treasures. ...but only in the USA. Over in Europe they have things called "paintings". > Shashoua and other preservation scientists are scrambling to find ways > to keep the PVC items from turning to dust. She said she hopes to > develop a plastic spray that will stabilize the plastic toys and > permit them to be enjoyed by many generations of museum visitors. Yeah, it's not like it's easy to replace solid-colored plastic Barbie parts by just making casts of them to so you could clone Barbie from NEW plastic. > In the meantime, she advised, Barbie and her old plastic friends > need some tender loving care. > ``Keep then out of light and store them in dark cool places,'' > said Shashoua. ``They shouldn't be wrapped in plastic bags (like > those from a grocery store) and they shouldn't be cleaned.'' And whatever you do, DON'T FEED BARBIE AFTER MIDNIGHT! -- K. Remind me never to play with Evel Knievel again. ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Aging Plastic Dolls May Be Hazard Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2000 09:26:09 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Hi Kasreyn -- "Kasreyn" (kasreyn@bloomington.in.us) wrote: > > [in response to my article about Toxic Barbie] > > I hate to look like a total ignoramus, but seeing as how I *am* one on this > topic, I might as well be. Congratulations! You have discovered that you are one of us! Welcome to alt.religion.kibology! > I found a link to this newsgroup and was wondering: > > What is this about? Is it a religion? It seems to me like a collection of > funny anecdotes and short stories. You forgot to mention the filler. Of course, everything on the Internet has lots of filler, but's that no excuse to not talk about filler constantly! alt.religion.kibology is 50% filler, 50% people complaining about the filler. alt.religion.kibology may also contain up to 2% of a solution of hydrolyzed soy protein marinated in amyl acetate. > I'm replying to you since you share the same name as "Kibology" > so maybe you're in the know. Wait, I think I can find someone who has a _lot_ of newsgroups named after him -- hang on while I hunt for him. I know I saw Greg Alt around here a year or two ago... > This looks like my sort of place (I have a distinct liking for cynical, > off-the-wall humor), but I don't understand why it's on alt.religion. alt.sex.fetish.startrek was already taken. > Can you please enlighten me? I'm sorry, but it is only in my power to enlighten those who do not wish to be enlightened. Also you have failed to consider that the single lotus flower is like half a bicycle riding a duck past the spot where Linda Hunt once kissed Clint Howard while Cherry Pez were readily available in stores. -- K. I'd just like to take a moment to brag that I have five rolls of store-bought Cherry Pez right here where I can look at them whenever I need to cheer myself up by reminding myself that I have Cherry Pez. "The master said something really wise, and the novice was englightened." -- from the book "Kermit Schaefer presents THE WORLD'S WORST ZEN!" ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.philosophy.debate,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Is "gravity" a 2nd or a 3rd rank tensor? Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2000 08:03:24 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.physics.relativity and alt.philosophy.debate, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > __ > The Christoffel symbol | = The "power" of God in any > situation in which there is a > visible (miraculous) change > in the Metric. Apparently Gamma > was LARGE at the time of Calvary, > whereas it might be quite modest > in a routine faith healing. But, George, you've neglected to factor in the Christoffifay symbol, =$- . It represents the creamy nougaty center of God combined with a strange plastic-like texture. And don't forget the Christthishammondguyisafreakingbozo symbol. -- K. P.S. In actual math, a Christoffel symbol (there are two kinds of them) has three indices after it, not a bunch of blather about miracles. ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: a psychodramatacular cavalcade of psychodrama! Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2000 08:24:06 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com A PSYCHODRAMA OF KIBOLOGY an original play produced for radio CAST OF CHARACTERS: NARRATOR (Harry Morgan) THE FONZ (Henry Winkler) DIRTY FRANK (rotting hand puppet) DARWIN (talking dolphin) BABY BALOK (Clint Howard) ACT ONE. SCENE ONE. NARRATOR Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight, we present four characters in search of an emotional catharsis. Oh, and lest I forget to mention -- this play takes place inside Kibo's head. Thank you. THE FONZ Ayyyy! Cool it! I'm here to tell you the skinny on this old guy named Bill Shakespeare! He wrote a lot of cool poems and was pretty cool for a guy who wore a dress! Whoa! NARRATOR Fonzie, this isn't a Shakespeare play. It's a psychodrama taking place inside Kibo's skull. THE FONZ I knew that. So what's the deal with this Kebbo guy? DIRTY FRANK Hey, hey, hey! Don't you go bad-mouthin' my friend Kibo or sayin' his name wrong or nothin'! He gave me the spacious cardboard box in which I live! Hey, Fonzie, I got me two hot dogs here, you wanna hot dog? THE FONZ The Fonz does not eat food cooked by nerds! DIRTY FRANK Hey, that's okay, I didn't cook 'em, dey're all raw and stuff. THE FONZ Okay, cold dogs are cool. Give me one with double chili, but if it drips on my jacket your face is going to make medical history! DIRTY FRANK Here's your hot dog. Now, to bite into mine... hey, wait, dis is just an empty bun! Someone stole my hot dog from between my bun! I bet it was dat freaky Fonzie beatnik! THE FONZ WHOA! The Fonz does not steal processed meat without good reason! Maybe you better think about that before I send your teeth into orbit! DARWIN Darwin hear hot dog hit floor! Hot dog splat real loud! Big meat noise! Big meat noise! DIRTY FRANK Hiya, my dolphin buddy, yes, yer right, mebbe I just dropped it here on da floor. Everybody, stop what you're doin' and help me find my weiner! THE FONZ Your weiner can stay where it is! I ain't touching your weiner! STUDIO AUDIENCE (on tape) WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! DARWIN Weiner mean cold dog of hot. Weiner mean cold dog of hot! THE FONZ I knew that. DIRTY FRANK I think maybe it's under dis pile of disembodied Barbie heads I've been savin' for a rainy day. No, wait, it's half a kazoo. And not the good half. THE FONZ Did you know that Shakespeare wrote over forty plays which are acclaimed as the greatest works of art of all time? DARWIN Darwin recite Shakespeare now. Be. Not be. Is question. Eat many fish better than bite single hook... Darwin sad. Darwin not talk like Shakespeare. THE FONZ Don't cry, my little whale, Shakespeare would have been thrilled to hear that dolphins were bringing his words to life. So your performance was a little creepy. So what? The important thing is that you gave it your best shot, and trying hard is cool. DIRTY FRANK Hey, is this about my hot dog or some dead guy who thought he could write stuff before there was tee-vee? Wait, lookit this, I found my hot dog, but it's got gunk all over it and it's kinda moldy. What should I do with it? THE FONZ SIT ON IT! STUDIO AUDIENCE (on tape) WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! DARWIN Many people laugh to make it funny. People are smart about funny. Darwin not know funny. Darwin eat cream pie, not throw. DIRTY FRANK I always thought cream pies were meant for sittin' in. THE FONZ That's 'cause you're a NERD! STUDIO AUDIENCE (on tape) WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! DARWIN Darwin like fake happy people. Darwin think they real. THE FONZ I think you're real too, Darwin. DIRTY FRANK Aww, you two are so cute when you hug like dat and get all lovey-dovey. And dis moldy hot dog don't taste half bad! BABY BALOK Hello, I am Clint Howard. NARRATOR We hope you have enjoyed today's psychodrama. Tonight's performance will be repeated at 6:00, 7:30, and 9:15, but it will be completely different. Dirty Frank appeared courtesy of The Retirement Home For Unloved Puppets. Clint Howard will not be paid for his appearance. This Psychodrama Of Kibology has been a live presentation of a major radio network. And now, teen dance music. (begins playing half a kazoo) -- K. (Curtain falls silently, then someone yells "THE CURTAIN JUST CAME DOWN!") ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: a psychodramatacular cavalcade of psychodrama! Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2000 06:43:58 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Jonathan Matthew (jmatthew@hmph.uq.net.au) wrote: > > Theresa /The Voice of Reason/ Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > [...about putting on a musical in Kibo's barn, to save the world...] > > > > Well, I could do the costumes, as long as folks are willing to accept > > that "stapled" is equal to "sewn". > > Stapling is sewing with pointy metal thread. Love is never kissing someone with your pointy metal foot. YAY! I MADE A DEFORMED CALLBACK! I AM THE DEFORMED CALLBACK KING! -- K. This callback has been deformed by the addition of tiny particles called activated deformitrons. Scientists activate the deformitrons by kissing them with their nuclear bombs. ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Is this wrong? Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2000 08:52:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > About a half hour ago I was hungry and went down and paid a > little under $3 for ten big strips of (cooked and hot) bacon > at the employee cafeteria downstairs. That was all I bought, > just a big plate of bacon, and I brought it back up to the > office and ate it at my desk. It was crispy, but not burnt; > i.e., just the way I like it. > > Is that wrong? Wrong? Hell no! You should get down on your knobby little knees and thank the Lord that you only had to pay $3 to get ten big strips -- almost a whole serving -- of nature's most perfect food, bacon cooked until it becomes brittle! Bacon is three of the four food groups! And bacon that's properly cooked -- that is, overcooked -- is the very bestest kind of all! It's the one kind of bacon you'd want to be stranded on a desert island with if you were ever stranded on a desert island with your choice of only one kind of bacon! Crispy bacon is light and airy AND dark and greasy all at once! Plus it's a tongue depressor made of meat! Now if you'll excuse me I have to go expose some microwavable pork rinds to hard gamma rays to see if I can make them crispier. > Also, this is Friday, the day that our company has bagels > and doughnuts and other pastries delivered to the office for > the employees. So I'm looking forward to that, too. > > I guess there are perks to working in an office, but what > I really want to do is direct. Don't forget to find out what your officemates are allergic to and then eat that every single day. That will teach them you are genetically superior, and impervious to guns that shoot peanut vapor. -- K. I wish I knew someone who was allergic to bacon. ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: HeTried To Kill Tha Limpix !1! Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2000 09:30:00 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Darla VladsChyk" (Darla4695@sprint.spoiler.ca) wrote: > > From the "There are Arseholes Everywhere" file comes the news today > that some moron Ozymandian teenager ran at Tha Limpic Flayme with a > fire extinguisher, trying to put it out. He failed, as so many of > these vandalistes do, but still. > > I am calling for the extinction of teenagers everywhere, now. > > They are a world menace, and damned annoying to boot. HA HA only an OLD person would say "to boot" instead of "like, you know"! YOU'RE SUCH A OLD FOGEY THAT YOUR VOCABULARY PROBABLY INCLUDES "OLD FOGEY" TOO! > Darla > --- PS: Can someone splain to me the difference between "rap" and "hip > hop?" I need it for a school assignment. "rap" is a style of music. "hip hop" is how your boss wants you to redesign your company's Web site. -- K. You'd think that was funny if Dilbert said it. They should turn that TV show into a comic strip. ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I was SWT's first Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2000 09:40:45 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "red" (moldau@86THISearthlink.net) wrote: > > [...stuff about sleeping with Stephen Will Tanner...] > > Then we watched the news, and they had a story on some Hippie > Magic Bus guy that SWT's dad wrote a book about. Yaaaaay! The name you're not trying to think of is "Abby Hoffman". He used to write an advice column which was just like the one written by his sister, Ann Rand. He disappeared a while ago after he tried to clean up the Teamsters. -- K. Short shameful confession: I _paid_ for my copy of "Steal This Book" because I was rebelling against the hippies. This is because previously I had bought a different book with a different title and different author credit but exactly the same text and I was mad that Abbie Hoffman's "Steal This Book" was being stolen at the corporate level before I could even get a chance to even consider wanting to steal it! So I refuse to ever steal anything ever again, because I question the authority of hippies. Also, whenever I see one wearing a "DO YOUR OWN THING" shirt, I start doing _their_ thing just to harsh their buzz. ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: On mummies Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2000 10:31:30 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Lleah" (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > I'd like to discuss the subject of mummies with all of you. > Specifically those that can now be found in a breakfast cereal we're > all familiar with: Kellogg's Froot Loops. I was familiar with it back when it only came in three colors (pink/orange/yellow), not unlike the original Trix (pink/orange/yellow) and Fruity Pebbles (pink/orange/yellow) before they discovered that kids like eating blue dye. (Back then, only Kaboom had blue debris in it. And Lucky Charms had the original four marshmallows -- pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers, and no freakin' blue diamonds, purple horseshoes, or swirly diseased-looking whales.) > So Toucan Sam is lost in the ... jungles .. of Egypt. Or something. > Judging by the cartoon advertisement, Toucan Sam is lost and > frightened and he's visiting a bunch of big and dark tombs. The > violent airbrushing on Sam's nose has gotten out of control, btw. Hajime Sorayama at home: "Kids, don't forget to airbrush your teeth!" > SO ANYHOW ... he soon realises that the tombs are filled with MUMMIES! > > So he puts them in his breakfast cereal. > > ???? Well, they wouldn't fit in his crack pipe! DUH! > Shall I ask the obvious questions here, just to make sure you're with > me? > > 1. Why is Toucan Sam in Egypt? Who says he's in Egypt? Maybe he found all those mummies in the big glass pyramid at the Louvre. > 2. Why mummies? 'cause when they film a low-budget TV commercial they say to themselves "Hey! We don't have any budget to buy anything to use as a simulation of a costume! What do we have lying around here... well... there's half a roll of toilet paper..." > 3. Do Froot Loops remind people of mummies? Noo, Froot Loops doo noot remoond moo oof moomies. Hoowever, thooy doo remoond moo oof Moomenschanz. (I'm thinking specifically of the bit where these three androgynous Swiss mimes jam themselves into an old inner tube and then slowly get soggy in milk.) > 4. Do mummies remind people of Froot Loops? Mummies remind me of lots of things. This is why I wear ear plugs when I need to get some sleep, what with all the mummies telling me not to forget to wear my galoshes, and not to forget to take off my galoshes, and not to leave my galoshes at school, and not to wrinkle the Wonder Bread wrappers that line my galoshes. (*I* never had to wear bread bags as winter socks when I was a kid, but there sure were a lot of kids -- I think at least two -- in my elementary school who did. Even in first grade, I though that was trŽs declassŽ.) > 5. What giant underground tomb was Sam visiting where they have loose > mummies stacked against walls? It was one of those Dungeons & Dragons dungeons where some mad billionaire says, "Hey! I'm going to build this really elaborate abandoned underground city and fill it with gold and jewels and stuff and lots of really half-assed poorly-concealed lethal traps, because otherwise they wouldn't be able to have a game later! SOMEONE has to build the dungeons that are just left lying around full of treasure!" > 6. What giant underground tomb was Sam visiting where they have loose > mummies who eventually jump into your breakfast cereal? You've heard of the Well Of Souls? Well, this was the Bowl Of Corpses... now a tasty treat that's part of this completely Satanic breakfast! > So forgetting the sheer boggle of misunderstanding that ensued upon > watching this ad due to the above questions, we will now move on to > the actual marshmallow "mummies". > > They don't look like mummies. Tom and I decided that they sort of > resemble gym socks. Never mind how they taste, what do they look like? > And they're all white, not the usual pastel assortment you're likely > to see in oversugared cereals. Apple's new iMacs are going to be in Lucky Charms marshmallow colors. There will be a tiny shrivelled-up pink one, a tiny shrivelled-up orange one, and at the bottom of the warehouse, a pile of multicolored dust. > So what happened? Did the guy who designs the machine that poots out > marshmallow shapes try and make something actually RELATED to fruit > and instead came up with white oblong blobs? And then, say, he had > wasted all the company's time and money, so he had to figure out a way > to pitch the marshmallow shapes! > > DESIGNER: Hey, guys, check this out! I've got a great pitch for > you!!! Are you ready? > ....MUMMIES! ... > > MONEYBAGS: I'm sorry, did you say "mummies"? > > DESIGNER: Yeah! Check out these marshmallow mummies! > > MONEYBAGS: Say, these ARE quality mummies! But what do they have to > do with Froot Loops? > > DESIGNER: Doesn't matter! LOOK!!! MUMMIES!!!! > > MONEYBAGS: You're right! Let's DO IT! > > And so ... the happy mummies and the little crunchy fruit rings lived > happily ever after. Please stop plagiarizing Shel Silverstein's pornographic children's book, "Mr. Skinny Swizzle Stick Meets Miss Froot Loop. PENETRATION ON PAGE SEVEN." -- K. This will lead to a reminiscence about Yummy Mummy, Fruit Brute, Count Chocula, Frankenberry, Booberry, and Hotsie Potsie cereals, five of which actually existed. ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Violence among the elderly Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2000 10:45:02 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > In the future, there will probably be a retronym for what we call > "video games" today. > > Probably something like "non-full-sensory non-porn sim games". > Because all of us know that once the full-body, full-sensory porn > games appear, the human race will die out within a single > generation. Please stop ripping off the brilliantly predictive science fiction of NBC's "seaQuest DSV". I saw that episode where giant robots took over the world because people stopped having sex because they had virtual reality games in their living rooms and the world was run by a big computer in a shopping mall and it fell in love with the hunky teenage boy who wasn't Wil Wheaton and we learn that time is shaped like a Mšbius strip which is why you can't change the future because then you'll come out upside down or something. It was the first of about four episodes in which they made the submarine travel through time underwater. > The only nod to previous forms of gaming will be > crossovers like "Chasey Laine's Pac-Man". The only strategy > games will be those in which you take control over a planet by > breeding with all the locals, until your genetic material is > present in over 80% of the population: the first, and most > popular of these games will be the Greco-Roman sim "Vici, Vidi, > Veni" ("I saw, I conquered, I came"). I believe the retronym you're looking for is in this scene from "Back To The Future II", where Marty McFly tries to impress the kids in the year 2015 by playing the videogame from 1985: "You mean you have to use your HANDS? That's like a BABY'S GAME!" That movie is a brilliant work of satire, until the plot starts. Then I keep thinking it needs a time-travelling submarine to prevent giant robots from taking over the world after Michael J. Fox accidentally gets his parents addicted to virtual reality video games so that he's never conceived. And then Matthew Broderick becomes the star of "Family Ties" and Sylvester Stallone is in "Terminator 2" and all the women on Deep Space 9 become lesbians. -- K. I'm still sad thinking how in about two years little kids will ask, "Daddy, what was 'pinball'?" ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Violence among the elderly Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2000 10:50:14 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > [...re some discussion I haven't been able to follow because people > have been talking about it too much...] > > If you let the people you live with read ARK, you deserve what you get. > We have all kinds of stupid ideas. How about a lollipop shaped like a suit of armor you can wear? It would be seamless and cover your whole body completely because to take it off you could just eat your way out. In fact it would be COMPLETELY seamless and airtight so that you could have a good excuse for ruining your dinner: "Mom, I _had_ to eat ten pounds of sugar, because you would cry if I had suffocated in there." Of course consuming that much lollymatter might give you a stomach ache and then you'd be rushed to the hospital where the doctor would write "autoerotic dyspepsia" on your permanent record and I don't know how they'd get you into the lollipop shell to begin with but we'll assume that nobody can read doctors' handwriting and aliens were somehow involved right before you woke up trapped inside a lollipop shaped like you. -- K. Now back to the STUPID ideas. ----------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Today's headlines from the world of Printed Soundbites! Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2000 05:07:34 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Captions for exciting news photos I just saw on excite.com: > Gore Grabs Baby Out of Crowd at Eugene Airport > > Democratic presidential nominee Vice President Al Gore picks up a baby out > of a crowd of supporters who gathered to meet him August 29, 2000 as he > arrived at Eugene/Mahlon Sweet Airport. Gore is traveling through Oregon > by bus before heading on to Washington State./Jim Bourg (Reuters) That just doesn't live up to its headline. Let me fix it: Gore Grabs Baby Out of Crowd at Eugene Airport "Rarrrrrr!" growled a horribly mutated Al Gore as he snatched a baby with his scaly claws, and then bit it. George W. Bush responded by trying to do the same thing, but the baby bit him. (Afterwards, the baby tested positive for cocaine.) After Gore's rampage, Ralph Nader gave a press conference where he called for "suppression of these illogical human emotions," adding that he did not like babies because "sometimes their mouths are curved upwards or downwards at the ends." > A bottle of giant cockroaches is viewed by actor Larry... > > A bottle of giant cockroaches is viewed by actor Larry Hagman during a > news conference at the Capitol in Sacramento, Tuesday Aug. 29, 2000. > Hagman was supporting an Assembly bill requiring notification of parents > of the use pesticide in schools. Hagman also supports the use of > alternatives to pesticides, such as baking bugs and rodents with intense > heat. Photo by Bob Galbraith (AP) This is why Gutenberg invented all that stuff. So that newspapers could print articles about aging TV stars looking at bottles of bugs. And it was even accompanied by a photo of an old guy looking at a thing! I didn't believe the guy really looked at the thing until they showed me! Now I know all I will ever need to know about current events and can stop reading the news forever. -- K. REALLY! HE LOOKED AT BUGS! SEVERAL BUGS, ALL AT ONCE! ONLY FORMER "I DREAM OF JEANNIE" CO-STARS ARE TALENTED ENOUGH TO LOOK AT MORE THAN ONE BUG AT A TIME!