Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:310218 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Today's headlines from the world of Printed Soundbites! Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2000 05:07:34 GMT X-Face-Colors: dk_blue lt_gray lt_blue Nntp-Posting-Host: world.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Internet Text-Based Content Deployment System 1.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.8 Lines: 45 Captions for exciting news photos I just saw on excite.com: > Gore Grabs Baby Out of Crowd at Eugene Airport > > Democratic presidential nominee Vice President Al Gore picks up a baby out > of a crowd of supporters who gathered to meet him August 29, 2000 as he > arrived at Eugene/Mahlon Sweet Airport. Gore is traveling through Oregon > by bus before heading on to Washington State./Jim Bourg (Reuters) That just doesn't live up to its headline. Let me fix it: Gore Grabs Baby Out of Crowd at Eugene Airport "Rarrrrrr!" growled a horribly mutated Al Gore as he snatched a baby with his scaly claws, and then bit it. George W. Bush responded by trying to do the same thing, but the baby bit him. (Afterwards, the baby tested positive for cocaine.) After Gore's rampage, Ralph Nader gave a press conference where he called for "suppression of these illogical human emotions," adding that he did not like babies because "sometimes their mouths are curved upwards or downwards at the ends." > A bottle of giant cockroaches is viewed by actor Larry... > > A bottle of giant cockroaches is viewed by actor Larry Hagman during a > news conference at the Capitol in Sacramento, Tuesday Aug. 29, 2000. > Hagman was supporting an Assembly bill requiring notification of parents > of the use pesticide in schools. Hagman also supports the use of > alternatives to pesticides, such as baking bugs and rodents with intense > heat. Photo by Bob Galbraith (AP) This is why Gutenberg invented all that stuff. So that newspapers could print articles about aging TV stars looking at bottles of bugs. And it was even accompanied by a photo of an old guy looking at a thing! I didn't believe the guy really looked at the thing until they showed me! Now I know all I will ever need to know about current events and can stop reading the news forever. -- K. REALLY! HE LOOKED AT BUGS! SEVERAL BUGS, ALL AT ONCE! ONLY FORMER "I DREAM OF JEANNIE" CO-STARS ARE TALENTED ENOUGH TO LOOK AT MORE THAN ONE BUG AT A TIME! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:310234 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: a psychodramatacular cavalcade of psychodrama! Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2000 06:43:58 GMT X-Face-Colors: dk_blue lt_gray lt_blue References: <8F9EF0752dumplechanhotmailcom@207.126.101.100> <8F9F86358ktakki@216.206.190.193> <39abea94.94862274@news.sprint.ca> <8ogrsj$njb$1@nnrp1.deja.com> <8FA061F56dontreadthis@130.102.2.1> Nntp-Posting-Host: world.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Internet Text-Based Content Deployment System 1.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.8 Lines: 24 Jonathan Matthew (jmatthew@hmph.uq.net.au) wrote: > > Theresa /The Voice of Reason/ Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > [...about putting on a musical in Kibo's barn, to save the world...] > > > > Well, I could do the costumes, as long as folks are willing to accept > > that "stapled" is equal to "sewn". > > Stapling is sewing with pointy metal thread. Love is never kissing someone with your pointy metal foot. YAY! I MADE A DEFORMED CALLBACK! I AM THE DEFORMED CALLBACK KING! -- K. This callback has been deformed by the addition of tiny particles called activated deformitrons. Scientists activate the deformitrons by kissing them with their nuclear bombs. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:311154 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Y2K: Nine Months Later (part 1 of 2) Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Sun, 3 Sep 2000 09:16:20 GMT X-Face-Colors: dk_blue lt_gray lt_blue Nntp-Posting-Host: world.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Internet Text-Based Content Deployment System 1.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.8 Lines: 523 Well, The Y2K Bug seems to have blown over without blowing up the world. The End Of The World As We Know It was pretty boring. However, I notice that most corporations and government agencies still have their "We're working hard to get ready for Y2K!" Web pages sitting there. There are a number of sites still offering advice on what sort of chemical toilet we should stock in our fallout shelters. And of the .gov sites which have been updated since Y2K, most seem to have developed a trite "Lessons Learned" section which allows them to remind themselves how to solve the Y2K problem when it comes back in the year 2100. (I wonder if the "Lessons Learned" sections of .gov Web sites or the often wildly inappropriate "For Kids" sections were mandated by Al Gore, or whether they all just imitate each other.) So, over the past week, I researched Web pages about Y2K to look for stale ones, silly ones, trite ones, and generally bozotic ones. The quotes that follow are excerpts from actual, living, breathing Web pages which are being displayed to the general public as of September, 2000. (Exceptions: One is from a dead site, and one is from a printed catalog, but those two are clearly marked. All the other quotes are from incredibly outdated Web pages nobody's bothered to remove.) --------------------------------- Quotable Y2K quotes (part 1 of 2) --------------------------------- National Y2K Clearinghose (www.y2k.gov): > > The National Y2K Clearinghouse web site is in the process > of being finalized. State of Alabama's Y2K FAQ: (this is the entire document) > > FAQ > > This section is under development. University of Colorado (Boulder) General Y2K FAQs: (this is the entire document) > > General Y2K FAQs > > Q: A couple of years ago, my great-grandma got a truancy notice > because she didn't show up to kindergarten. Is this a Y2K problem? > > A: Actually, this is a Y1.9K problem, but it's similar. The > computers that calculated your great-grandmother's age couldn't > perform date calculations across centuries. The same thing is > happening now around the globe (or will be in just a short while), > but on a much larger scale. National Y2K Information Coordination Center's "Lessons Learned": > > The ICC is about people and extraordinary success. Everything2000.com's "Y2K Party Tips": > > The 1999's New Year's Eve Party will be, without a doubt, > the party of our lifetime. > > [...] > > Activities and entertainment planned specially for guests > will vary with the size of the group, the venue and the budget. The Cassandra Project's Y2K FAQ: > > Q. Is the Y2K problem for real? Or is it a lot of hype? > > A. The problem definitely exists, and programmers have known > about it for decades. We first experienced year 2000 date problems > in 1970 when mortgage companies tried to calculate 30 year mortgages. > The federal government learned about it first hand when they tried > to calculate military benefits in the year 2000. Year 2000 problems > have cropped up recently and incidents are on the increase as we > approach the century mark. We will see more and more problems and > more serious effects as we get nearer 2000. (...like making Web sites get staler and staler.) Millcreek MIS's Y2K FAQ: > > Will my hardware and OS be allright in the year 2000? > > In a word, "probably". We've been stymied in our efforts to obtain > information from the respective vendors on which models are Y2K compliant. (...all of the ones being sold now?) South Point (Ohio) Local School District's Y2K FAQ: > > What is the Y2K problem? > > People see TIME as an endless continuum. (...wow, that's a heavy concept. It continues:) > [...] > > Without the century digits the last day of this millennium > will be 99-12-31, and after the stroke of midnight many computers > will see January 1, 2000, as 00-01-01 - a SMALLER number than > the day before - time will appear to have REVERSED. > > OLD will seem YOUNG, a FEW moments will seem like an ENTIRE century, > FUTURE events will have ALREADY occurred. (...and everything that ever happened on "Doctor Who" will become real!) Further puzzlers for the philosophers: Compusupport.com's Y2K FAQ: > > What is the 1999 problem? > > The date September 9, 1999 (9/9/99) was popular back in the 1980's as > an expiration date for archived data that was to have no expiration date. Western Michigan University Y2K FAQ: > > What is COBOL and why does it exist? Mississippi State University Extension Program Y2K FAQ: > > 3. How can I tell whether things I own contain small computers > or embedded chips? > > The truth is, you can't. But there is a chance that products that > require some kind of time-tracking to make them work might have a > chip or small computer that could affect performance. The > manufacturers of the products you own and use should be able to > tell you if they will still function without adjusting for Y2K. > > 4. What's a "chip", and where is it embedded? > > Some common appliances, machines, and tools, are "embedded" within > the things we use every day, and contain all the information that > tells these objects when and how to perform. Chips are programmed > at the factory, and, to be frank, no one knows if they will stop > working when the clock passes midnight on December 31, 1999. (...that's right! Toasters are inherently unpredictable and do not obey the laws of Man and God!) Touch Systems (Canada) Y2K FAQ: > > The Year 2000 problem got its start in the early 1960s, > when RAM and external storage devices were expensive and > data entry was labor-intensive. (...but before Kennedy was shot, RAM was plentiful and data-entry was FUN!) U.S. Nuclear Regulatory Commission, "15 October 1999 Y2K Exercise Lessons Learned": > > The Y2K Early Warning System (YEWS), developed by NRC, was used > successfully during the exercise by the NRC and its regulatory > counterparts in twelve other countries. This was the first time > the system was used extensively in an exercise environment. > Consequently, a number of constructive suggestions have been made > for how the system can be improved. For example, a modified report > entry is shown as a separate report, which can cause confusion. > > [...] > > The NRC established a mock White House Information Coordination Center > (ICC) cell in the NRC auditorium and conducted briefings to graduate > journalism students playing the role of the media. Last item in the "WE'RE Y2K READY FAQ" from www.1shoponline.com: > > Q. Does your web site include information on your Year 2000 readiness? > > A. Yes. www.1shoponline.com Internet Legal Resource Guide's "Sample Y2K Contract Language": > > [...] > > 1.1 Licensor represents and warrants that the Software is > designed to be used prior to, during, and after the calendar year > 2000 A.D., and that the Software will operate during each such > time period without error relating to date data, specifically > including any error relating to, or the product of, date data which > represents or references different centuries or more than one century. "Wired" magazine, April 1999: > > Whatever the Y2K crisis turns out to be, it is already unprecedented: > We have never before anticipated the simultaneous breakdown of > a significant fraction of the world's machinery. > > [...] > > Across the spectrum of Y2K mavens, from debunkers to doomsayers, > a rare point of agreement is that the electricity system is > at the core of the problem. InformationWeek magazine: > > Speaking of the IT industry in general, Elliott says, > "without Y2K, there would not have been the market that > drove the development of software such as search engines, > parsers, and testing tools." Red Hat Linux Y2K-readiness disclosure: > > We are continuing to investigate the compliance status of > current and upcoming Red Hat Linux versions. We are committed > to ensuring that ongoing testing will take place into the new year > and we will release compliance fixes as the need arises in a > timely fashion. > > Our Year 2000 team will be pleased to provide all information > as it is discovered. Canon (Europe) Y2K-readiness disclosure: > > [...] > > 3. Your target date for completing Y2K readiness? > Our target date to be ready is July 1999. > > [...] > > For Canon it is practically impossible to set up contingency plans > that will cover all aspects of our business. This is because the > very high grade of automation. Williams Pinball Y2K-readiness disclosure: > > We are pleased to announce that we have reviewed our Pinball products > and we believe that operation of our Pinball products should not be > affected by the Year 2000 problem. Obviously, we are not making any > representations about your facility infrastructure or other systems > or software to which our products may be connected. Baker & Taylor Corporation's Y2K-readiness disclosure: > > This web site is hereby designated a Year 2000 Internet Web site > under the Year 2000 Information and Readiness Disclosure Act. > Baker & Taylor may use this Web site as a means of providing certain > Year 2000 information to its customers and suppliers. All past, > present and future pages on this web site regarding the Year 2000 > are hereby designated as "Year 2000 Readiness Disclosures" under > the Year 2000 Information and Readiness Disclosure Act. "Y2K Readiness in Oman - Action Plan": > > 1. What is the Y2K problem? > > The Y2K problem is very simple to explain. [...] U.S. National Institute of Standards and Technology Y2K FAQ: > > Q. Is there a February 30 in addition to February 29 in 2000? > > A. No. There is only one leap day in 2000, February 29. The Hindustan Times, January 3, 1999: > > Have you heard the latest? The second month of the great year > 2000, that is February, will have 30 days! No, it is not a > misprint, February 2000 will actually have 30 days. This is a > phenomena that occurs only once in 400 years and is called the > 'leap of leap' year. In simpler terms, this would mean that a baby > born on the fateful day, that is the 30th of February, 2000, will > have to wait for three centuries to celebrate his next birthday! > The millennium is now going to have an entirely new threat if this > turns out be true. > > Consider, for a moment, the implications of this situation. Since > none of the digital calendars in our computers are programmed to > deal with the addition of that extra day in February, everything > is going to go for a toss. And that means - no money, no water, no > power. The mere possibility of the disruption of basic and > essential services in our industrialised and techno-oriented > society is scary. But it is a possibility. Surprisingly then, most > residents of the industrialised as well as the developing nations > in the 20th and the 21st century are ill-prepared for this. > > [...] > > Says Ankur Bhatia, Director, Amedus India, "Software modifications > will then become an urgent necessity to adjust the 30 days in February. > It will be a very big risk with all calculations going topsy turvy." > > "There has been no verification at at the global level on this issue yet. > So, as of now there is no problem, there is no point working on > its solution," adds Arun Dang, Vice President, HCL Corporation. > > In fact, this is what everybody seems to be waiting for - this confirmation > at international level before they decide to act upon the problem. > But by then it might have been too late. The Indian Express, January 1, 1999: > > Now, the Feb bug: In 2000, the month may have 30 days > > UNITED NEWS OF INDIA > > MUMBAI, JAN 1: Will February 2000 have 30 days? It is definitely > a million-dollar question. With the computer-buffs already struggling > hard combating the January 1, 2000, better known as Y2K problem, > they are not taking chances and have taken the reports on > February 30, 2000 bug seriously. > > [...] > > Director of Nehru Planetarium and Director of Astronomical Research > at the Nehru Science Centre Dr J J Raval believes in the possibility. > "I am working out the details and making various calculations to > find it out," he said. DataQuest India magazine, "February 30' 2000, Only in the Rumor Mill": > > The publication of the February 30' 2000 rumor in several different > places is a worrying indication of the level of true year 2000 awareness. Image Sensing Systems, "Autoscope(tm) 2003 Y2K Compliance": > > Autoscope(tm) 2003 Machine Vision Processor with version 3.29 > and Supervisor Software 4.04 will accept programming of non-days > (i.e.; February 30, April 31). If programmed correctly, it > operates correctly. Gary North's Y2K Links and Forums -- "Category: Martial_Law": > > No cyberterrorist or hacker could dream of doing what y2k > has been programmed to do. > > Plans to impose martial law have been in effect since late 1997. > The training is the same, so the public will not be alarmed. > The Army has created special emergency response divisions made up of > National Guard units and Reserve units. But the plans seem to have begun > with an Executive Order signed by President Clinton in July, 1996, > which set up the Presidential Commission on Critical Infrastructure > Protection (PCCIP). "The Y2K Computer Bug -- May 1999", by Ben Best: > > I am risking that social order (even if only martial law) will be > restored within a couple of weeks and that there is a reasonable chance > I may be able to return to work. WorldNetDaily, "Y2K and Martial Law", December 8, 1998: > > For those suspecting the federal government is making Y2K > millennium bug contingency plans that include the suspension of > civil liberties, fears were not allayed by the nation's Y2K czar > at his first summit last week. > > In answer to a question about electrical-power failures caused by > embedded chip problems and other millennium bug breakdowns, John > Koskinen, the chairman of President Clinton's Y2K council, said: > "In a crisis and emergency situation, the free market may not be > the best way to distribute resources. ... If there's a point in > time where we have to take resources and make a judgment on an > emergency basis, we will be prepared to do that." Message titled "Y2K: martial law" posted on a Canadian message board, March 2, 1999: > > The US military is training for martial law next year. They're using > live ammo. They're giving adjacent civilians NO warning about it. > > [...] > > What does this tell us? > > There WILL be food shortages; it's inevitable. Data Communications magazine article, "Martial Lore", March 7, 1999: > > The Air Force says it will be 40 percent Y2K-compliant by 2003. from ABCnews.com, "No Fooling Your PC": > > In Evansville, Ind., for example, the traffic lights > are controlled by a computer system that has a Y2K problem. > Rather than replacing the Y2K-afflicted system, the city simply > turned back the clock to 1972, the last year that has a calendar > identical to 2000. cNet article "Software Pirates' Worst Enemy: Y2K", March 4, 1999: > > Not all is lost for those using pirated software and > facing the Year 2000 challenge. In fact, users of PC > pirated software may have it easier than they think. from www.y2kwomen.com ("Y2KWomen: Especially For Women"), "What's the Big Deal About Y2K?: The Year 2000 Problem: What Every Woman Needs to Know and How to Keep Herself and Her Family Safe": > > [...] > > 7. Having all these emergency supplies around the house sounds > good in theory, but I don't have much extra space. Where am I > going to store all this stuff? > > With the exception of most kinds of food, which you need to > secure against bugs and rodents, you can store other items > almost anywhere. Just use your imagination. U.S. Indian Health Service Y2K FAQ: > > How do I know if I have a Year 2000 problem? > > You should assume that you have a problem unless you can prove otherwise. Computer Professionals for Social Responsibility (CPSR): > > We are pleased to announce the CPSR Winter Newsletter > devoted to Y2K. It features articles from prominent scientists > and fiction from Arthur C. Clarke. HAL Computer Systems, Inc., Y2K-readiness disclosure: > > HAL Computer Systems, Inc. warrants that all products are > certified as Year 2000 compliant. (they don't go insane until a year later.) ...also from the CPSR Newsletter: "OOPS 2000: The Y2K Bug and the Threat of Catastrophic Chemical Releases, by Lenny Siegel" > > [...] > > There is no longer time to prevent all potential Y2K system > breakdowns, but there is time to get ready for them. Public interest > groups, emergency responders, and environmental organizations, > hopefully backed by state agencies, the federal government, and > private foundations, can mobilize to demand the right to know about, > prepare for, and prevent toxic Y2K catastrophes. (...especially catastrophic chemical releases by Lenny Siegel.) --------------------------------- continued in part 2 --------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:311155 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Y2K: Nine Months Later (part 2 of 2) Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Sun, 3 Sep 2000 09:20:15 GMT X-Face-Colors: dk_blue lt_gray lt_blue References: Nntp-Posting-Host: world.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Internet Text-Based Content Deployment System 1.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.8 Lines: 524 Here's the rest of my collection of quotable yet stale Y2K quotes. --------------------------------- Quotable Y2K quotes (part 2 of 2) --------------------------------- from survival-center.com, "Captain Dave's Y2K FAQ": > > Whether you want to learn more about Y2K for yourself, > or so you an answer questions from a non-believer, > we hope this FAQ will be helpful. > > [...] > > There are also a number of things that you may wish to avoid doing > in early 2000, or at least until the systems in question have > proven themselves reliable. These include: > > 1. Fly on an airplane. > > 2. Schedule any medical tests or surgery. > > 3. Make a long distance phone call that spans 12/31/99 > into the new year - you wouldn't want to get billed for > a 99-year phone call. > > 4. Send a package in 1999 that won't arrive until 2000. > > 5. Make an ATM deposit. (Watch out for #4! You wouldn't want your cousin's birthday gift to arrive way back in the year 1900 before they were even born!) Web page titled "Y2K -- Disaster Handbook Purchase": > > The Comprehensive Disaster Preparedness > and > Recovery Educational Module > > Community leaders and emergency agency officials charged with > the safety and well-being of farm animals and human citizens before, > during, and after disasters can count on the accuracy and completeness > of information in this educational package. > > The module includes: > > * 1,000-page (2 volume) Disaster Handbook, > * CD-ROM, > * "Are You Ready" video > > based on a disaster preparedness satellite video conference held at > the University of Florida's Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences. American Red Cross "Y2K Supplies Suggestions": > > Were you among the many who assembled supplies in case of Y2K, > but found that no problems occurred requiring their use? > That's okay. . . . You should be pleased that you and your loved ones > will be ready to deal with a future natural or technological hazard > that could disrupt your lives. Microsoft Year 2000 Readiness Disclosure and Resource Center: > > The products represented in this guide constitute an incomplete > list of Microsoft products. Microsoft will continually update > this guide with the most current Year 2000 test information. The Small Business Adminstration's Y2K loan program: > > The Y2K Action Loan Program: > > * Loan applications can now be accepted; PC Year 2000 Alliance Web site: > > Have you already assessed the year 2000 status of your PC hardware > according to the manufacturer's guidance? > > If yes---You probably do not need to retest. CERT (Computer Emergency Response Team) Y2K FAQ: > > [...] > > What are the dates that I should be concerned about? > > * September 9, 1999 > > There was concern that the date 9/9/99 would be interpreted > as an error code in older programs. The CERT/CC did not receive > any reports of problems caused by the date of September 9, 1999. Oberlin College online newsletter article "Today is 9-9-99 -- Are We Worried?": > > [...] > > Everett Doner, associate computer systems manager, > calls the 9-9-99 problem "fascinating." Newsbytes, September 10, 1999: > > September 9, or '9999', is a key date in older computers > that poses a similar problem to Y2K. The date 9/9/99 was used > by programmers to indicate the last record on file in older > mainframe systems. There was concern that systems reading this > end of file marker may shut down. > > Australia's Ministry of Communications and Information Technology reported > only one incident. A TAFE (tertiary and further education) institution > in Tasmania sent in a problem with a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet. Associazione Osservatorio 2000 (Italy) press release, September 7, 1999: > > IL 9/9/99 > non e la prova del 9 del Bug del Millennio > > [...] > > La posizione di Osservatorio 2000 sulla questione e di stupore, > stupore per l'attenzione esagerata e soprattutto ingiustificata > che il problema ha suscitato. Reuters article "9/9/99: Bug or Dud?", September 7, 1999: > > Stand by for another dud millennium computer bug warning. Reuters article "Will 9/9/99 create Y2K-like havoc?", September 9, 1999: > > [...] > > Four nines in the date field could also trigger a grand total > or a sorting operation, said Jim Kelton, president of Software Unlimited, > an Irvine, California, software consulting firm specialized in > networks and Y2K. The New American article "Y2K is Here!", April 26, 1999: > > The most obvious date upon which these computers should have > encountered this situation was January 1, 1999. Data Dimensions explained: > "This systemic failure due to 'the nines' is potentially very damaging. > It is no major exaggeration to say that every date processing program > is potentially vulnerable to this error.... Unless immediate action is taken > to address and solve the 1999 date problem, computer failure is inevitable." U.S. Department of Energy's "Y2K Fast Facts" Web page includes this Reuters article (headline unknown), October 20, 1999: > > WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The Federal Bureau of Investigation said Wednesday > it was warning local police about the danger of apocalyptic violence > by white supremacist groups spurred by the dawn of the year 2000. > > [...] > > The report also cited a Year 2000-related threat from those who fear > the United Nations "will initiated an armed takeover of the United States." USA Today article "Analysts' new fear: Y2K the movie", October 26, 1999: > > Worries about a War of the Worlds reaction on Y2K > > By Richard Wolf, USA TODAY > > The experts preparing against technological mayhem in 2000 are > worried. > > Not about the mayhem. They're fretting about a movie. > > NBC will air next month Y2K, a made-for-TV film that forebodes > disaster at the turn of the third millennium. Power failures sweep > the Eastern Seaboard. Commercial jet instruments fail. A nuclear > power plant teeters on the brink of a meltdown. > > Not only that: ATMs won't spit out any cash. > > Variety magazine calls it "a disaster picture that imagines > near-apocalyptic results." > > The New York Times bills it as "a movie for the chronically > panic-stricken." > > This is not what Y2K wonks expect to happen in the wee hours of > Jan. 1, and they're worried viewers will react to Y2K the way > listeners did to Orson Welles' infamous radio depiction of Martian > landings in The War of the Worlds. > > "I'm hoping it doesn't become something like crying 'Fire!' in a > theater," says Mike Benzen, president of the National Association > of State Information Resource Executives. "Nuclear plants aren't > going to melt down. Airplanes aren't going to fall out of the sky. > We don't want to see people greatly altering behavior." "Statement of Senator Chris Dodd on Initial Y2K Transition Results": > > [...] > > The resources dedicated to reprogramming millions of lines of code, > testing and retesting equipment, developing contingency plans, > and educating the public were well placed. Had these steps not been > taken, yesterday's achievement might have been today's fiasco instead. U.S. Senate Special Committee on the Year 2000 Technology Problem site: > > BEWARE OF SCAMS. Con artists are already actively exploiting > people's Y2K fears. Be wary of goods and services touted as > Y2K guaranteed. Beware of anyone attempting to sell you unnecessary > products such as massive food supplies, water treatment kits or > other Y2K personal preparedness items. From the same site, a document titled "Senate Y2K Cmte Report: Investigating the Year 2000 Problem" > > [...] > > An interruption in the food supply so severe as to threaten the > well-being and basic comfort of the American public is unlikely. U.S. Chemical Safety and Hazard Investigation Board: > > Do you have your Y2K compliant wallet calendar? > > Order Y2000 cards (It has the URL of www.chemsafety.gov on one side and a tiny 2000 calendar on the other. No actual Y2K information.) Federal Communications Commission's "Suggestions on How to Prepare for the Year 2000": > > What is Y2K? Although it may have many names -- Y2K, > the Millennium Bug, the year 2000 problem -- they all mean > the same thing. > > [...] > > It goes without saying that the communications industry > will play a vital role in [italicized] _other_people's_ > contingency planning. Center For Y2K & Society's "Potential Y2K Gotchas": > > Potential Y2K Gotchas > > 1. You use Apple Macintosh computers. [...] elsewhere on their site, "Will Embedded Systems Fail on Christmas?" > > [...] > > Y2K could be the last Christmas present of 1999. Although > it will be the early evening of December 25 in the United States, > it will be the morning of Sunday December 26, 1999 on the > west side of the International Date Line. from consumer.gov, "U.S. Consumer Gateway": > > [...] > > Important Records: Keep copies of important records -- > particularly your bank and financial statements, medical records > and prescription drug information -- in the few months before and > after January 1, 2000. (You don't have to keep them until April 15th. Just burn them in February.) "Apocalypse Not: Few Y2K Computer Problems", Reuters article, January 1: > > The long-awaited, much-feared Y2K computer bug finally arrived > as the new millennium rolled across the globe -- but apparently > triggered few minor problems as Russian and U.S. nuclear missiles > stayed in their silos and the global aviation industry passed a > key test with flying colors. > Though the Y2K computer bug failed to bite hard at midnight, > experts warn business and governments not to drop their guard. Sam Donaldson's last Y2K report for ABCnews.com, January 1: > > "At this point, we are not aware of anything that is broken > because of Y2K," said federal millennium czar John Koskinen. John Koskinen's Feburary 29, 2000 press briefing: > > The U.S. Coast Guard reports a Leap Year rollover software > problem in the Standard Semi-Automated Message Processing System > archiver module. > > [...] > > We have reports that some "Caller ID" boxes have been affected > by the leap year date. These boxes are customer-owned. > > [...] > > The Dutch Meteorological Institute was unable to transfer weather > forecasts to the news media. There were no problems with the contents > of the forecasts, only the transmission to the media. International Y2K Coordination Center: > > Through six conference calls over two days with national and > regional Y2K coordinators from every continent, the IY2KCC > monitored the leap year date change. Less than two dozen problems > were reported, all of them minor. Problems included incorrect date > displays on cellular phones (Morocco), on caller-ID boxes (US), > and on airline baggage tags (US); temporary interruptions in > service at a few automatic teller machines (Japan) and in > transmitting weather data to the media (Netherlands); inability to > schedule doctors appointments in a handful of doctors' offices (UK); > inability of a few merchants to verify credit card data (New Zealand); > and, inability to enter correct expiration dates on new passports > (Bulgaria). All problems were corrected within hours. From accountantsledger.com, "What are the Y2K lessons we learned?" (site was down but I retrieved this from Google's cache): > > So, the question on many people's mind is, was the Y2K problem real > or was it a massive scam by the computer industry? > > In this case, the computer industry was probably the victim of > its own success. Posted to the "intelforum" discussion list on January 11, 2000: > > I would STRONGLY suggest that anyone interested in real-world intelligence > grabs every piece of information on Y2K and analyzes them carefully, for > valuable lessons. Already 80% of doomsayer predictions and warnings of > ultimate calamity etc. have been removed from the web. "Did You Know...?" flyer still available on Maryland's Web site: > > If you think the Year 2000 Problem will not affect you, think again. ...and another Maryland flyer, "What Every Citizen Should Know About Y2K": > > [...] > > Don't forget your pets. Public shelters don't allow animals. National Fire Data Center's "Fire Y2K Lessons Learned" page: > > Y2K was a situation requiring planning and preparation at every level. > Clearly fire and emergency service providers across the nation > identified the needs of their communities and met the challenge. > The lack of any credible incident attributed to Y2K at the basic > street delivery of services, is concrete evidence of their efforts. (That's right, it was only because of Y2K-remediation efforts that random buildings didn't burst into flames on January 1.) ...also on the same site: > > The community of Greentown, Ohio prepared for Y2K related problems. > Area churches led the way by establishing a task force. ("Oh no! The computer might crash! Quick, call a priest!") NASA's "Lessons Learned During Y2K Testing at the Space Science Data Operations Office": > > [...] > > 9. When printing web pages for documentation purposes from > Macs or PCs, Internet Explorer works better than Netscape. > Internet Explorer prints forms with entries filled in; Netscape > leaves entries blank! > 10. Testers should work from a location other than their office > to minimize interruptions. > 11. Balloons and refreshments lead to more successful testing! Virginia Century Date Change Initiative (CDCI) Lessons Learned: (this isn't any particular page, it's the entire Web site:) > > Proxy Reports: > 10061 Connection refused > > An error occurred while trying to retrieve your URL. > > This error could have been caused by: > > * Bad / misspelled URL > * Your access permissions > * Your network connection and/or transient conditions on the Internet > * An error on the source web server > > Microsoft Proxy Server v2.0 From theinternetfoundation.org, "Lessons Learned from Army, Navy, Air Force Y2K Projects": > > Y2K testing is a major risk reducer of Y2K failures on January 1, 2000 U.S. Marine Corps "Y2K Time Machine Lessons Learned": > > MONDAY, 2 NOVEMBER 98 > > 0650 Read Mr. Hermanowski's Messages and attempted to run the job > myself. As a result, I received a "Catalog not Found" error. > > 0800 Called DMC and tried to get with MSgt Crabtree; however, he > was unavailable. I left a message describing the problem. I > continued to try and contact him throughout the morning. > > 1230 Finally got hold of MSgt Crabtree and he said he was looking > into the problem. > > [...continues in this exciting vein all afternoon...] Office of Treasury Reinvention Year 2000 Lessons Learned: > > Processes or "Shareable Actions" as a result of the Year 2000 > effort include: > > [...] (From now on, I'm going to call everything I do a "shareable action.") Not strictly Y2K-related, but seen in the Department of Energy "Lessons Learned" database: > > Identifier: 2000-ALO-WID-0008 > Date: 8/16/00 > > Title: Pressurized Pain Can Lid Blows Off > > Summary: Do not attempt to open containers that show signs > of pressure build-up. ...and elsewhere on the same site: > > For DOE facilities, the OE Summary should be processed as a a DOE-Wide > information source as described in DOE-STD-7501- 99, The DOE Corporate > Lessosn Learned Program I are learned a a Lessosson about opening up a a can of pain, Mister Doe. And lastly, from a home-furnishings catalog printed on actual paper: > > We call it the millennium ottoman because it's filled with recycled foam. I think from all of this we've learned what we will need to know to survive the next Y2K crisis. -- K. Y2K was just like the Bicentennial, but with different-colored balloons. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:311549 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Y2K: Nine Months Later (part 1 of 2) Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Tue, 5 Sep 2000 02:53:11 GMT X-Face-Colors: dk_blue lt_gray lt_blue References: Nntp-Posting-Host: world.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Internet Text-Based Content Deployment System 1.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.8 Lines: 21 Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Subject: Y2K: Nine Months Later > > I was certain this was going to be about all the children that were born > because of that major blackout in 48 states that occured as Y2K caused all > of the computers to crash. And because of The Millennium, they'll all have super powers, just like in that Salman Rushdie book that Matt McIrvin likes. (Not the Satanic one, the regular Matt McIrvin.) -- K. Salman Rushdie's zany sci-fi novels zip along at a breakneck pace not unlike, oh, D.H. Lawrence writing an instruction manual for building your own oscilloscope. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:311236 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Alert! They're on to you! Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 04:58:27 GMT X-Face-Colors: dk_blue lt_gray lt_blue References: <8oejlj$6vp$1@saltmine.radix.net> Nntp-Posting-Host: world.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Internet Text-Based Content Deployment System 1.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.8 Lines: 32 Ted -- Run for the hills! The authorities are on to you! > Suspected Emulex hoaxster traded at Mandalay Bay > > The suspected mastermind behind the hoax press release that sent shares of > network equipment maker Emulex (EMLX) plummeting Aug. 24 will face > criminal securities-fraud charges in U.S. District Court in Los Angeles, > The Wall Street Journal reported today. Mark S. Jakob, who was taken into > custody by the FBI Thursday, also faces similar civil charges from the > Securities and Exchange Commission. > > If convicted, Jakob could face up to 15 years in prison and be ordered to > repay all profits he made from the hoax plus an undisclosed amount of > civil penalties. > > While Emulex's value dropped more than $2.5 billion during panic trading > last Friday, Jakob was lounging at the Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas, a city he > regularly visited, the Journal reported. While visiting Sin City, Jakob > managed to buy 3,000 shares of Emulex stock at about $63 a share from a > computer at the Mandalay Bay Hotel. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ They know where you live, Mark "Ted" Jakob "Frank" -- IF ONE OF THOSE FOUR IS INDEED YOUR REAL FIRST NAME!!! -- K. I still prefer the Strat. Too bad Debbie Reynolds closed her hotel, eh? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:311280 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: On mummies Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 06:25:12 GMT X-Face-Colors: dk_blue lt_gray lt_blue References: <39a3e89d.2238803@news.seanet.com> <280820000819549452%etp@The-Institute.firm> <8F9E689E7doidyhead@209.30.0.14> Nntp-Posting-Host: world.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Internet Text-Based Content Deployment System 1.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.8 Lines: 50 Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > E Teflon Piano (rgriffiths@ubmail.ubalt.edu) wrote: > > > > [on the hidden fortresses of James Bond's archenemies] > > > > So, even if a nutty rich guy wanted to build an underground Disneyland, > > he'd have to build it and maintain it until all the electricians who > > wired up the death traps died off; the suppliers of the death trap > > components went out of business and people just generally stopped > > thinking about all the jobs that went away since the construction > > finished. Fifty years, at a minimum. That's a lot of overhead to > > maintain a hideout that isn't very hidden and so can't even be used for > > its intended purpose. > > > Yeah. > > AND WHAT ABOUT ALL THE INDEPENDENT CONTRACTORS WORKING ON > THE UNFINISHED DEATH STAR?? DID THEY JUST ALL DIE WHEN > LANDO BLEW IT UP? > > HUH? > > DID THEY? There used to be a scene showing all the independent contractors and and Boba Fett (with missile-firing backpack) and Jabba The Hutt (played by Orson Welles) getting blowed up but George Lucas took it out when he personally refilmed every scene for "The Special Edition" and I don't know why he took out all those scenes of Luke and Han and replaced them with Jar Jar and that annoying kid. Was he just in the film because he's related to someone? Also, did James Earl Jones ever get hot when he personally wore the Darth Vader costume, and did they let him keep it after filming? If so, do you know whether he washes it at the laundromat or has it dry-cleaned? I need to know for a book I'm writing about all celebrities who ever lived. Also you're confusing Lando, the guy with high hair on "Babylon 5", with Starbuck, the guy who invented coffee. The only good thing about "Babylon 5" was that they let that sixties radical who used to run the White Panthers be the captain until he quit the show to sell M. C. Hammer albums. Oh, and I almost forgot, he was on that crappy Jim Henson show, "Dinosaurs". And Shari Lewis wrote a "Star Trek" episode. -- K. She didn't even give Lamb Chop credit for ghostwriting the stupid parts! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.culture.gard-trask:4997 alt.religion.kibology:311295 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.culture.gard-trask Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Short Shameful confession. Was: Re: Troll???? I'm confused. Omi: "assjack" (September 4, 2000) Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 06:40:51 GMT X-Face-Colors: dk_blue lt_gray lt_blue References: <4c0r5.3090$V67.132588@newshog.newsread.com> <39B0F4AE.5CA1E45E@gt3.com> Nntp-Posting-Host: world.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Internet Text-Based Content Deployment System 1.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.8 Lines: 44 Gardner S Trask III (gardtrask@gt3.com) wrote: > > True story time. > > Recently I ran for Town Meeting Member. (I won.) > > During the campaign I blasted a local Political Action Committee for > holding and advertised 'open' candidates night, but excluding certain > candidates. The local paper picked up the story (Danvers Herald, April 27, > 2000) and detailed the 'open invitation issue' It also quoted me, and then > tried to reach the PAC chairperson who said, and I quote the paper; > > "Reached for phone comment, Ruotolo said 'What a jerk'." > > There you have it friends and neighbors. I am 'officially' a jerk. No, you're just ALLEGEDLY a jerk. It's not like the newspaper actually CALLED you a jerk, they just said that one person or some people, possibly all people everywhere throughout the Universe, think you're a jerk. You won't have truly arrived until you get Congress to pass a resolution saying that you're a jerk. And trust me, that's harder than it looks! I even made fun of Senator Liberman's idiotic plan to create "dot-sex" on the Internet and he still hasn't called me a jerk, nitwit, a-hole, b-hole, assjack, peahead, pinbrain, nimrod, Potsie, twit, doofus, Goofus, megabozo, dweeb, weenie, weinie, weiner, wiener, cube-brain, lunkhead, lunkass, WebTV owner, dolt, dingus, or clod. He and the rest of Congress are just too busy mistakenly eulogizing Bob Hope once a month. I CAN'T EVEN GET BOB HOPE TO CALL ME A JERK! -- K. He did once call me up to complain that there were too many buttons on phones these days, then he said Maypo wasn't as good as it used to be because it's too crunchy now, and then he asked me if I thought Mamie Eisenhower would go out with him. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:311302 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I ain't got time in my life for this... Message-ID: Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 07:05:30 GMT References: Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Lines: 1011 Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > [...on how everyone was once a newbie, even the legendarily cool Kibo...] > > Kibo has mentioned that his first .sig involved a big sword. > Used without irony of any kind. > > Or that's what he *wants* us to think. Hey! UNINTENTIONAL irony is a kind of irony! -- K. The big sword got smaller over the years. A REALLY NEAT .SIGNATURE FOLLOWS, PRESS "NO" IF YOU DONT WANT TO SEE IT !!!111 ^ L .SIGNATURE UNDER CONSTRUCTION....... LAST REVISED 5/12/1990 11:02:32 PM AND ALSO LAST REVISED 5/22/90 11:27:59 PM AND 8/22/1990 10:03:16 PM TOO AND 8/25/90 01:57:08 PM AND 11/11/90 12:35:53 AM <-- LAST TIME!! (WOW, FOUR 1'S IN A ROW!!!!) AND 7/8/91 2:06:03 AM <-- LATE NIGHT!! AND 9/6/91 2:51:26AM <--- LATER!!! AND 2/9/91^H^H92 4:25:43AM <--- WOW!!!! AND 7/8/92 1:58:59AM <-- CALL IT 2!!! AND 7/31/92 1:27:49AM <-- JUST FOR ONE NEW LINE!!!! NOT COUNTING THE ABOVE ONE OF COURSE!!!!!!!! AND 12:58:53 9/11/92 FOR ONE MORE!!! NOW IT'S DONE!!!! AND 9/25/92 1:24:33AM <-- AGAIN!!! AND 9.29.92 2L37L48AM AND 10/6/92 3:18:31AM <-- LATE BEDTIME HUH !!!! AND 3/8/93 2:23:38AM <--- LAST TIME REALLY!!!!! AND 4/5/94 9:00:58AM ! I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT FIXING ALL THE TYPOS !!!! AND 9/8/94 3:57AM FOR ONE LAST TYPO COPYRIGHT (C) COPYR.1988,1990,1989,1992,1993,1994 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED TODOS LOS DERECHOS RESERVADOS!!! THIS POSTING MAY NOT BE REPORDUCED IN ANY FORM WITHOUT MY WRITTEN PERMISSION OR SOLD FOR MONETARY FINANCIAL PROFIT. AND 6/13/92 3:45:26PM <-- FRI THE 13TH !!! & 5/5/94 4:52AM <-- CINCO DE MAY-O !!!! I WROTE IT ALL BY MYSELF BUT THANKS TO MARK AND JASON DOMINUS, AND TO MATHEW WHOSE LAST NAME I FORGOT!!! AND ALL THOSE AUSSIES NAMED "IAIN"!!! I DIDN'T MAKE ANY SPELLING ERRERS SO YOU CAN'T POST THIS SIGNATURE TO ALT.FAN.WARLORD!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ^L THIS IS YOUR BRAIN. ___ /(()\ \__\| THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON THE INTERNET. ___ +-----+ /(()\ | VAX | \__\|===+_____+ ^L ____ / \__ |\ / @ \ \ \_______| \ .:|> "Dogs aren't ALLOWED? WAAAAAAH!" \ ##| | \__/ | ####\__/ \ -- Spot / / ## \| / /__________\ \ "On Usenet nobody knows you're a god!" L_JJ \__JJ -- Jerry Garcia S C R A T C H A N D S N I F F to enjoy the aromatic aroma of beautiful downtown schenectady !!!! _____________________________________________________________________________ james "kibo" parry, at an undisclosed location in a major city (not schenectady. kibo@prodigy.ibm.COM _________________________________________________ kibo@world.COM@uunet.COM / Kibology / Anything I say is my opinion, kibo@world.BITNET@bitnet.COM is better! / and is the opposite of Xibo's. __________________________/_____________/_____________________________________ "All colors are arbitrary." --Carl Sagan / Bozos use anything but emacs! __________________________________________/___________________________________ Wacky, wild, Kibo style! / You're allowed. (Unless you don't want to be... ________________________/_ you are also allowed to not be allowed.) _________ I never said I wasn't a bozo. /____________________________________/_Hi mom!_ _____________________________/ Life is silly but should be taken seriously. Some days you / Klods * / TV is evil and should be destroyed. Really. just can't get / for /__________________________________________________ rid of a bomb. / klods / Moisten needle before inserting Taiwan. / 298R ______________/_________/__________________________________________/_________ * Note: "Klods for Klods" is the motto of Lego(tm) blocks in Lego's native Denmark, where they speak Danish. It means "Block by block". Neat, huh???? _____________________________________________________________________________ You're reading my .signature file. / COMMODORE 64S RULE THE WORLD !!!!!!!!! ___________________________________/_________________________________________ "I'm Bozo, the world's most famous clown!" -- the world's most famous clown _____________________________________________________________________________ M E N S A M E M B E R # 1 6 3 0 9 Look for the white pin _____________________________________________________________________________ I've read all of Kurt Vonnegut Junior's books and my favorite is "Breakfast Of Champions", my second favorite is "Chariots Of The Gods". I love them all. My other favorite author is Philip K. Dick who wrote "Do Androids Dream Of Sheep?", "Clams Of The Alphane Moon", "OBIK", "Man In The Castle", and "Total Recall"! Oh, and Stephen King is absolutely the best too! And Derrida! Read "The Fountain Head" by Ann Rand--it could change your career! _____________________________________________________________________________ If it doesn't say PURINA, / / Bart Simpson and Charlie bury it in the yard! / BYTE ME! / Brown are both GIRLS! ________________________/_____________________/______________________________ THIS ENTIRE MESSAGE IS COPYRIGHTED (C)1989/90 MCMLXXXIX/MCMLXL BY JAMES "KIBO" PARRY AND MAY NOT BE REPRODUCED, SOLD, READ, PRINTED, OR REPLIED TO WITHOUT MY EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION. HE IS SERIOUS AND WILL SUE YOUR PANTS OFF. _____________________________________________________________________________D || _______________________________________________________________________ ||I || || || ||S || ||------> I'M NOT BIFF !!!!!! HE'S NOT ME !!!!!!! <------|| ||C ++-++-------------------------------------------------------------------++-+|L || ||------> BIFF IS TOO OBNOXIOUS TO BE ME !!!!!!!! <------|| ||A || ||------> ALSO HIS .SIGNATURE IS LONGER !!!!!!!!! <------|| ||I || ||___________________________________________________________________|| ||M ||_________________________________________________________________________||E _____________________________________________________________________________R "BOZE NOSE BOOKS!" -- Bozo, The World's Most Famous Clown / QUAIL SUCKS __________________________________________________________/__________________ / Orwell was an optimist. / "There is infinite hope, but not for us." - Kafka ________________________/____________________________________________________ Join the Kibo Fan Club! Send lots of money to the address above, RIGHT NOW! _____________________________________________________________________________ All generalizations stink. / Kibology is *NOT* Satanism! / Ollie for prez ___________________________/_______________________________/_________________ DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY! / What's fahefergnugen? / QUAIL STILL SUCKS! ! ! _______________________/__________________________/__________________________ "The secret word is... SIL! Now you all know what to do whenever anybody says the secret word, right? SCREAM REAL LOUD!" -- Pee Wee Herman _____________________________________________________________________________ If I said anything to offend anyone in this message, I'm sorry and didn't mean to hurt your feelings. ________________________________________________ ____________________________/ "Losing our marbles for the last 23 years" I hope you're enjoying / I'm gonna be 24 soon! My birthday is July 13, reading this posting... / send presents! The day before Bastille Day! _________________________/___________________________________________________ If Lambada is the forbidden dance, why did they make a movie about it? _____________________________________________________________________________ Hi Tale@Rpi.Edu! / You are here X / What's Peewee Herman's favorite _________________/___________________/ baseball team? THE EXPOS! Garrison Keillor is my hero / (rec.humor.funny) ___________________________________/_________________________________________ "Beam me up Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!" -- STAR TREK _____________________________________________________________________________ "SIL!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" _____________________________________________________________________________ There's a mouse in my apartment right now while I'm typing this. Isn't that an incredible coincidence! Have you ever been using this bboard while a mouse was in your room. Now I have.........? _____________________________________________________________________________ Anyone who thinks anyone else should be shot should be shot; the NRA is a bunch of bozos just like the Democrats AND Republicans AND Williard Scott. Kill the Fascists and Communists and all the other nuts too. Kill 'em all! _____________________________________________________________________________ "I'm Batman!" -- BATMAN THE MOVIE / This space intentionally left blank. (THE BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD!!!!) / __________________________________/__________________________________________ Elvis lives. / "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay..." --MONTY PYTHON / Hug me _____________/_____________________________________________________/_________ Did I spell anything wrong? If so, please tell me so I can post a correction. _____________________________________________________________________________ |\ My favorite PostScript font is Chicago! Times Roman is just a cheap --- \ ripoff of the real New York. And you don't even have to be in Chicago ___ / to use Chicago! I printed my whole resume in 36pt Chicago Bold Shadow! __|/_________________________________________________________________________ | "Beauty and the Beast" may be cancelled, but it lives on forever in our | | hearts and minds and hearts! It will live forever even though it's dead!| |___________________________________________________________________________| Can I have a cookie? / The Kibology Center is a non-non-profit arm of the _____________________/ National Association for Kibological Awareness(NAKA). I'M 100% FLAMEPROOF /________________________________________________________ %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Harry Graber, age 11, is dying of a fatal disease which will eventually kill him. Before he dies, he would like to be in the "Guinness" Book of "Records" for receiving the most postcards in the mail. Please send him lots of postcards at the below address: Kibo, PO Box 722, Boston MA 02116-0722 (USA) Although he is very ill and only barely clinging to life, he gets thousands of postcards a day from people like you. He writes back, personally, to each and every single one. Amazingly, everyone who writes to Harry recieves a year of good luck afterwards! Mrs. Bertha Briggs of Poughkeepsie, NY recently wrote to Harry and then won the lottery the very next day--AND her dog was cured of cancer! Plus, if you write now, Harry will send you his miracle POSTCARD DIET which will allow you to lose 100 pounds a week! THIS IS NOT A SCAM! This service is FREE! Please enclose $14.95 for postage and handling. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% HANDY "TWIN PEEKS" CHART [murder]<-->[LAURA]<--/-->[Bob]<--["Bob"] | ^ | ^ This is fun to read even if you haven't v v v | seen the series. I like my chart, and [David [That FBI guy] ["J.R."] I've never seen the show! Lynch] ^ ^ / | | v [donuts] [Bobby in [the log lady]<->[flouridation]-->["Eraserheads"] = the shower] ^ ^ [sex] | | | /->[Monty Python's Flying Circles] v [bag [lumber- /->[Ted Bundy] ladies] jacks]<--["RoboJox"]<->[VW]<->[FOX]-->[Al&Peg Bundy] ^ | ^ \->[Children] | v | [the dog-faced boy]-->[Laura's<-/->[the Simpsons]<--[Life in Hell]<--[UseNet] evil twin] | v And remember, the name of the show is a breast metaphor. [alt.tv.twin.peeks] ^ ^ | ^ / | v | [Mike Douglas]=[Douglas firs]-->[breasts] [drumsticks] [rmgroups] /->[logs] | \______________________________________/ ^ v | [Albert]<--/-->[furry white rats]-->[green rats]-->[traffic [the log lady] ^ lights] (here too!) | [walk with fire me]---> ^ ^ [Layland]<-->[Pinky Lee] | | | [Herve Villachaise]<--[tattoos] ["Bob"] [Dilbert]-->[Dogbert] | | \ v v >[neckties]->[sexual arousal]<------>[e-meters]<-------[L. Ron Howard] _____________________________________________________________________________ My favroite sci-fi/fantasy short story is / VOTE NIXON / The SubGenius "The Eye of Argon" by L. Ron Hubbard! / IN 1992 / must wear slacks! _________________________________________/______________/____________________ Best Skeleton Joke Ever: "What do you call fish bones?" "Skele-tuna!" :-) _____________________________________________________________________________ I spell things the way I want, since William Safire is too wimpy to stop me! _____________________________________________________________________________ "The medium is the message!" -- Marshall Mike Luhan / I'm a lumberjack... _____________________________________________________/_______________________ I know the Green Golfball Joke! I'd post it here but BitNet doesn't allow R-rated jokes to be posted here so I won't post it! That's a violation of your unconstitutional rights and you should complain to your sysop! _____________________________________________________________________________ MY TETRIS HIGH SCORE ON MY NINTENDO IS 999,990 -- THAT'S A WORLD RECORD! I HAVE PHOTOS OF THE TV SCREEN TO PROVE IT! THEY DIDN'T COME OUT THOUGH. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- \\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\\\\\\\\\ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\ AMIGA ONLY! \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\\\\\\\\\ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\\\\\\\\\ ___ \\\\\\\\\\ /. .\ \\\\\\\\\\ |\_/| \\\\\\\\\\ \___/ \\\\\\\\\\ /####\ /######\ ### /##### /######\ \\\\\\\\\\ ## ## ## ## ## ### ## ## ## \\\\\\\\\\ ## ## ## ## ## ### ## ### ## ## \\\\\\\\\\ ////////###### ## ## ## ### ## ### ######## \\\\\\\\\\ //////// ## ## ## ## ## ### \##### ## ## \\\\\\\\\\ //////// \\\\\\\\\\ //////// /##### ### ### #####\ ### ### \\\\\\\\\//////// ## ## ## ## ## ## ## GRAFIX \\\\\\\//////// ## ### ## ## ######\ ## ## \\\\\//////// ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## WIZARD \\\//////// \##### \#######/ ## ## \#####/ _____________________________________________________________________________ _______________ | __ _ ____ / \ |\/\/\/| r | |\\ | | \ / ,__\ AIR SUPPLY | "Have a cow, |__ | @ @ | a | ||\\ | |_/ \ | _ _ | | man!" / | ' | d | || \\ | | \ \\ | | |\ |\ | \ / \_______________/ | \___/ i | ||__\\ \ \\ | | |/ |/ | | | | c d | ||___\\ \ \\ \_/ | | |__ | a u | || \\ \\__// | | | as seen on BART l d | \__/ FOX! SIMPSON e | THE MOST AWESOME HEAVY METAL BAND !!! _____________________________________|_______________________________________ ^L ^L # # #### # # # ##### ###### # # # ,, # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ##### # #\__/# # # ##### # # # # # # # # # # #### #### # # ###### ## # # #### # # ###### #### ## # # # # # oo # # # # # # ## # # # # # # # # ##### # # ## ###### # # #\__/# # ## # # # # ## # # # # # # ## ## # # # # # ###### ###### #### # # ###### #### ## HAVE A NICE DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PLEASE POST YOUR REPLIES TO THIS BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY NET ADDRESS IS! ALSO PLEASE CROSS-POST TO LOTS OF GROUPS SINCE IT MIGHT NOT BE A GROUP I READ! []---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[] This blank region of empty space is a hollow void that adds lines to the length of this .signature's physical size. I cant think of anything more to add! []---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[] ***** ___ ___ _________ * / \ / \ | _______ | * | V | | | * * | | HELP ME NAME MY * \ / | |_____| | APPLE SE/30 WITH * \ / | === | 40MB MEGABYTE DRIVE * \ / |_________| ***** v ||||||||| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- Aren't these cute? :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- I was the one who :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- invented them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |\ ---*-- | \ TED FRANK IS A VIRTUAL LAWYER!!! -""" \__| \ / : Qld : TAS \ / :........ \ ' SA : AA :.......*| x = Schenectady NY USA \ : * :NSW / \* :/""""""\`..x */ ----' VIC\ *`./ """" \"""/ NT\*/ Dan Quayle is Howdy Doody! (And Susan Sontag is the Bride of Frankenstein!) +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | S T O P C A S T I N G P O R O S I T Y | +____________________________________________________________________________+ Did you know that in German, Usenet bboards are called Gruppenareabrettecholistennetzs? ============================================================================= I've been to Cheers(TM) in downtown Boston and I have a T-Shirt that says Cheers(TM) and the official Cheers(TM) Plastic Souvenir Shopping Bag! Hey, is Ted Danson really as bald as they say? He couldn't be, his hair's fluffy, and wigs can't be fluffy! William Shatner wears a toupee though, I bet you didn't know that! I hope I never go bald. I'd lose my sex appeal. _____________________________________________________________________________ Fats Loves Madelyn. / Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." ___________________/_________________________________________________________ "We're like gerbils. We're in a cage running around and around." -- Tom Brokaw _____________________________________________________________________________ "OH WHAT A ZINGER!!!" -- CHRIS ELIOT / "Married With Children" is the best GET A LIFE / TV show ever! Ted is the greatest! _____________________________________/_______________________________________ Fly KLM! / Did you hear that PeeWee Herman was arrested for masterbating? __________/____ Really!______________________________________________________ Dana Hersey is Willie Whistle in addition to hosting The Movie Loft (channel 6) _____________________________________________________________________________ Read alt.exploding.kibo, the group about exploding kibo! / NO FATE ________________________________________________________/ I put microwave coffee in the Tater Twister and almost / KNOW FUTURE went back in time! -- Steven Wright (Emerson alumnus)/ _____________________________________________________/ NO DOGS ALLOWED "NOT!" -- WAYNE'S WORLD / "The Stevemeisterooski!" / ________________________/__________________________/_________POOR SPOT______ "If I had MY OWN NETWORK, it would be on ALL the TIME. It would be EDUCATIONAL, like COSMOS and NOVA, but not so DRY. It would best be seen on HIGH-definition TELEVISION. And every DAY we'd READ from the BOOK of CHER, because when you READ from the BOOK of CHER, it doesn't MATTER if you UNDERSTAND... it's the ACT that MATTERS. MY network would be METAphysical, paraNORMAL, and EXTRAORDINARILY ORDINARY. It would COMPEL you to RELAX and read `MADAME BOVARY', LOOK into the MOUTHS of VOLCANOES and LEARN to make RISOTTO... It would have a LINEAR BUILD and ARISTOTELIAN LINES... MY network would be both JARRING and AVANT-GARDE... with just a TOUCH of BRIAN DENNEHY. MY network would not promote WAR, WASTE, DOUBT or ANXIETY, and would pose the question... What was MICHELLE PFEIFFER doing in `Grease 2'?" -- Sean E. Coates, the "E!" poster child **************************(.signature continued)******************************* HOW MANY POSTS A DAY I MADE LAST WEEK *************************************************************************** * * * * * * * * * * ** W*T T*W*T T*WT ** * W*T*F M*T* *F * F M* *F M * * T* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * M * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * ** * M S*S SS S*S S*S * * * * * S * * ^Labor Day ^Sep 14 ^Sep 28 * * * * * * * * 240 -x- 280 0 -y- 15000*************************************************** WATCH MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 2000 ON THE COMEDY CHANNEL !!! ******************************************************************************* MY TEN FAVORITE QUOTES: Broad-mindedness, n.: The result of flattening high- mindedness out. There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion. All the good ones are taken. "Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks." Murphy was an optimist. Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. You are here ------> * But you're not all there. Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through any of its streets. Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. A clairvoyant is a person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so you won't have to watch commercials. Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy. The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants. The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. -- La Rouchefoucauld Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on his exam. Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich." -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. -- Voltaire The First Rule of Program Optimization: Don't do it. The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): Don't do it yet. -- Michael Jackson Goldenstern's Rules: (1) Always hire a rich attorney (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape at about 30 miles/second. -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming Peanut Blossoms 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour 8 eggs 4 tsp. soda 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot. Gyroscope, n.: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary. In fifteen minutes, everyone will be famous. -- Andy Warhol _______________________________________________________________________________ THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT II WAS EVEN MORE TERRIFYING THAN THE FIRST MOVIE EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T REAL LIKE THE FIRST ONE! PHILLY EX 2 IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER!!! .--------------. .---' o . `---. .-' . O . . `-. .-' @@@@@@ . `-. .'@@ @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ . `. .'@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ `. /@@@ o @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ O \ / @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @ @@@@@@@@@ @@ . \ /@ o @@@@@@@@@@@ . @@ @@@@@@@@@@@ @@ \ /@@@ . @@@@@@ o @ @@@@@.@@.@@@@ o @@@@ \ /@@@@@ @ . @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@ \ |@@@@@ O `.-./ . . @@@@\__/@@@@@ @@@ | / @@@@@ --`-' o @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@ . \ Full Moon + |@ @@@@ . @ @ ` @ @@ . @@@@@@ | 0 5:15:36 | @@ o @@ . @@@@@@ | Last Quarter - | . @ @ @ o @@ o @@@@@@. | 7 3:55:27 \ @ @ @ .-. @@@@ @@@ / | @ @ @ `-' . @@@@ . . | \ . o @ @@@@ . @@ . . / \ @@@ @@@@@@ . o / \ @@@@@ @@\@@ / O . / \ o @@@ \ \ / __ . . .--. / \ . . \.-.--- `--' / `. `-' . .' `. o / | ` O . .' `-. / | o .-' `-. . . .-' `---. . .---' `--------------' I AM NOT A BOZO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^L ____|||||/// / |||||//// TERMINATOR TWO: BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD !!!!!11 / __ || //// | L| : === "Hasta la vista, baby!" -- ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER | | __ : ___ =|= (a personal friend) | (_) :/__) | |/ | \| <--- THE TERMINATOR | .\ | \ \ \ : / I HOPE TERMINATOR THREE DOESN'T SUCK DEAD BUNNIES | HHH--- | THRU A STRAW LIKE BATMAN TWO !!!!!11 \____:___/ "THERE IS NO BATHROOM" -- MY PAL ARNOLD, KINDERGARTEN COP "HELP HELP! STAPLER MISFIRE!" -- DILBERT "THIS IS A CHAIN LETTER" ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::;;;;::::;:::::::::::::: My son Herbie, age 7, needs a computer for school and I can't afford one, would anyone like to give us one? It would be a tax deduction for you! Herbie wants a Mac IIfx with a Color PostScript printer. He needs this by next week! All the other kids in his class have them already!!! /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\/\/\ \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ STAR TREK RULEZ!!! ________^_______ ============= - - - - - - - - - \______ _____/\ / / - - - - - - - Write-in to Paramount V \ \_____/__/_ - - - - WHOOSH! - - - to keep them from killing Spock )|US ENTERPRISE/ - - - - - - - in their next movie!!!! |____________/ - - - - - - - - - - TOP TEN STAR TREK QUOTES 10) "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic." 9) "Dammit Jim!" 8) "Spit it out, man!" 7) "I kinna do it Captain, I have not th' power!" 6) "Where's the beef?" 5) "They're BORN pregnant!" 4) "His BRAIN is missing!" "Oh... you noticed." ** send mail if you want the rest ** Majel Barett was only on STAR TREK because she was married to William Shatner. The new STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION new series that they're making now is too full of Yuppie bozos. And the special effects are too good. SHATNER COULDN'T DIRECT HIS WAY OUT OF THE BATHROOM WITH BOTH HANDS AND A MAP! ------------------------------------=----------------------------------------- I have discovered a truly wonderful proof of Fermat's Last Theorem, but unfortunately this .signature is too small to contain it. -----------------------------------=---------------------------------------------- There exist no legitimate audio tapes of me admitting to being an alien, a government agent, a sexual pervert, or the camp-follower of little grey men from Zeta Reticuli. /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ I watch Nick at Nite all day! Xibo watches stupid soap operas! /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ MY .SIGNATURE IS MORE POSTMODERN THAN YOURS! (It's even autographed by William S. Burroughs. See--->?) / \/\/. \. Burroughs / I wish he hadn't stopped writing those Tarzan books though!!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I have an out-of-date copy of each of the following MTS manuals: Vol. 1, 2, 5, 7, 11, 14, 15, 16, and 24. If you want a copy, I'm selling 'em, $1 each. I also have lots of plastic bags for five cents each! /\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\ _________ / \ | | \__\ /__/ --| |-- -| |- /| |\ /////\\\\\\ NUKE THE DAMN BUNNY ALREADY!!!! | _ \ / UU __ ==/ \ /\__o | *|__\__/ /_ \_ "boomp boomp boomp boomp boomp..." "BOOM!!!!!!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ***** ***** ***** **************** ****************** ***** ***** ***** ***************** ******************** ***** ***** ***** ****************** ********************** ***** ***** ***** ***** ****** ****** ****** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** My ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** name ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** is ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** short ***** *************** ***** *************** ***** 'cause ***** **************** ***** **************** ***** it's ***** ***************** ***** ***************** ***** only ***** ***** ****** ***** ***** ****** ***** four ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** letters! ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ****** ****** ****** ***** ***** ***** ****************** ********************** ***** ***** ***** ***************** ******************** ***** ***** ***** **************** ****************** AND THIS IS THE PART OF THE .SIG THAT BROKE MIKE JITTLOV'S AMIGA!!! V guvax guvf dhbgr ol Qnir Oneel, zl snibevgr jevgre, rkcynvaf jul V bsgra jrne zl haqrejrne ba zl urnq jura V tb gb jbex: Nyy lbh unir gb qb gb frr gur npphenpl bs zl gurfvf vf ybbx nebhaq lbh. Ybbx, va cnegvphyne, ng gur crbcyr jub, yvxr lbh, ner znxvat nirentr vapbzrf sbe qbvat nirentr wbof -- onax ivpr cerfvqragf, vafhenapr fnyrfzna, nhqvgbef, frpergnevrf bs qrsrafr -- naq lbh'yy ernyvmr gurl nyy qerff gur fnzr jnl, rffragvnyyl gur jnl gur znaardhvaf va gur Frnef zrafjrne qrcnegzrag qerff. Abj ybbx ng gur erny fhpprffrf, gur crbcyr jub znxr n ybg zber zbarl guna lbh -- Rygba Wbua, Pncgnva Xnatnebb, nalobql sebz Fnhqv Nenovn, Ovt Oveq, naq fb ba. Gurl nyy qerff shaal -- naq gurl nyy fhpprrq. Ner lbh pngpuvat ba? -- Qnir Oneel, "Ubj gb Qerff sbe Erny Fhpprff" TO DECODE THE FUNNIST JOKE IN THE UNIVERSE JUST PIPE THAT THROUGH "UUDECODE(1)" _____________________________________________________________________________ R-RATED GIF FOLLOWS, PRESS N NOW! ^L O (.|.) ).( TIFFANY BRISSETE HAS A GREAT BOD! WOO WOO!!!! HUBBA HUBBA! YOW! ( | ) \|/ ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. _____________________________________________________________________________ "100% gist-free!" -- Amy S. Brockman on Kibo's .signature. Compliment... or CONSPIRACY? ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// My favorite painters are Pollock, Rothko, Warhol, Dali', Miro', Tanguy, Rockwell, Warhol, and myself. I'm almost as good as Dali' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My least favorite musical composer is Salieri, since he was a bozo. ____________________ / \ / \ ^______________/ __ __ \______________^ \ | / \ / \ | / \ | | o | | o | | / \ | \__/__ \__/ | / \ | / \ | / \ | \__/ | / BO- \____| __________ |____/ -ZO | / ________ \ | \ | / ______ \ | / \ |/_/ \_\| / \____________________/ | | \ | / \----+-----/ | | | /\ / \ / \ _____________/ \____________ (clown shoes) ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Ich bin ein .signature Virus. Mach' mit und kopiere mich in Deine .signature. Don't ask what it means, just put it in your .signature, okay? _____________________________________________________________________________ THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN THIS POSTING ARE SOLELY THE AUTHORS' AND DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THOSE OF DIGITAL EQUIPMENT CORPORATION, RENSSELAER POLY- POLYTECHNIC INSTITUTE, PENN STATE, IBM, NASA, HARVARD UNIVERSITY, SCIENTOLOGY, ATARI CORP., STANFORD UNIVERSITY, BITNET INC., SOFTWARE TOOL & DIE, INFOCOM, PRODIGY, RALSTON PURINA INC., JAPAN, LYNDON LaROUCHE, THE SYSOP OF USENET, GEORGE BUSH, THE LONDON TIMES, ORACLE CORPORATION, WILLIE WHISTLE, STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATION, THE HOME SHOPPING CLUB, THE HAIR CHANNEL FOR MEN, OR THE CITY OF NEW YORK. HOWEVER YOU CAN'T SUE ME FOR SAYING ANY OF THIS BECAUSE IF YOU SUE ME YOU'D HAVE TO QUOTE ME IN COURT AND THEN I'D SUE YOU FOR QUOTING THIS COPYRIGHTED (C) MESSAGE!!! MY COUSINS ARE ALL LAWYERS !!!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ****************************************************************************** * NEW drawing! * * of a RADIK00L sword thats even BIGGER then the USS ENTERPRISE wow! * * * * ___ * * /\/ / ====@==== ///////// --------- * / _/ ``________// * * / / `------' ------------- * / / * * __===__ / / * */ \/----+---------------------------------------\______ * *| | XCALIBER THE DECAPITATER!!!! \______________* *| | /~~~~~~~~ * *\__====_/\---+----------------------------------------/~~~~~~ * * \ \ * * \ \ * * \ \ * * \ \_ * * \ \ NOTE: This isnt a hyperdermic needel !!!!!! * * \ \ * * \/\_\ * * ITS SO GOOD I FRAMED IT !!!!* ****************************************************************************** aibophobia (ay' bo fo beeya): n. The fear of palindromes. kibophobia (ki' bo fo beeya): n. The fear of Kibo. kibophobik (ki' bo fo bik): n. The fear of Kibo's palindromes. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'M STILL 100% FLAMEPROOF! / I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP! / HI MARK! ____________________________/____________________________________/___________ If you type "rm *" right now I'll give you a million dollars!!! _____________________________________________________________________________ Arsenio Hall is the black Johnny Carson but Byron Allen is the black Pat Sajak! But at least Byron Allen is funnier than Skip Stephenson or John Barbour! Conan O'Brien sucks because he has big hair and Monty Python isn't funny because it doesn't make any sense!!! JAY LENO ROCKS!!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- IBM's "AIX" operating system is better than "real" "UNIX" systems because "AIX" has "man" pages that show "pictures" of each "command"! Here's an "example", isn't this "cute"? RM, DELETE(1,C) AIX Commands Reference RM, DELETE(1,C) PURPOSE Removes files or directories. SYNTAX one of +--------+ +------------+ | rm |---| +----+ |--- file ---| | delete | +---| -f |---+ ^ | +--------+ ^ | -i | | +--------+ | | -r | | | | -- | | | | -s | | | +----+ | +--------+ ____________________________________________________ \o clip and save _______ /O <--those are scissors .------------ .--' o . . `-- .-' . O . . ` .-'@ @@@@@@@ . @@@@@ /@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ .<--- Crater Parry -- I paid $15 for it ./ o @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ at the Boston Science Museum! /@@ o @@@@@@@@@@@. @@@@@@@ O /@@@@ . @@@@@@@o @@@@@@@@@@ @ |@@@@@ . @@@@@@@@@@@@@ o @@ /@@@@@ O `.-./ . @@@@@@@@@@@@ @ Full Moon + | @@@@ --`-' o @@@@@@@@ @@@@ 2 17:08:58 |@ @@@ ` o . @@ . @@@@@@ Last Quarter - | @@ @ .-. @@@ @@@@@@ 4 16:02:05 \ . @ @@@ `-' . @@@@ @@@@ | @@ @@@@@ . @@ . \ @@@@ @\@@ / . O . o \ o @@ \ \ / . . `\ . .\.-.___ . . .- \ `-' `- `-. o / | o O . `-. / . . . `--. . .-- `------------ If this posting offends you, then you're a WEENERBRAIN!!! @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@@@@ @@@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ .....Dedicated to the memory of DeForest Kelley..... @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ -------\__/ | * / |_____-/ BOSTON, MASSACHUSSETTS <-- SITE OF WORLD.COM PUBLIC ACCESS UNIX ONLY A DOLLAR A MINUTE PLUS CONNECT TIME! AND NO I DON'T KNOW MICHAEL DUKAKIS PERSONALLY! ^L 12345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890XXXXX DON'T GO INTO THE X'S !!!!! ^L ^L ^L ^D ^D ^D . exit stop bye ^C ^Z !sh !ed /exit quit q /quit ~x help help stop !help logout $signoff write sysop "how do i stop this ???" psot post ^P^O^S^T this line intentionally left blank so that the following line will be #350. THIS IS THE THREE HUNDRED FIFTIETH LINE OF MY .SIGNATURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the edn P.S.: ---------- From mathew@mantis.co.uk Tue Jul 2 11:28:05 1991 To: James 'Kibo' Parry Subject: Re: Call for creation of alt.evolutionary.acceleration From: Industrial Poet Comments: Civilization is a momentary failure of entropy Date: Tue, 02 Jul 91 10:55:39 BST Organization: Mantis Consultants, Cambridge. UK. Might I suggest adding the following quote to your .signature: "It seems like it's time to retire the length-of-sig-wasted-bandwidth flame. The point really is, News is BIG and .signatures, even long ones, are small." - Mark-Jason Dominus mathew ---------- -- -- From stev0@sti.com Sat May 9 01:19:46 1992 Date: Fri, 8 May 92 22:19:07 PDT From: stev0@sti.com (Steve Berlin) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: your .sig Hi there. Thanks for your nifty .sig. I already got a copy from alt.fan.warlord, but with such a wonderful work of art, you can never have too many copies, can you? Well, of course you can! I mean, "Mona Lisa" is a damn good painting, but am I going to hang it in every room in my apartment? No! But I digress. Anyway, to make your .sig a bit more "user-friendly", here is an index for it. The numbers, of course, refer to line numbers. I'll let someone ELSE do a table of contents. Suggestions for index: 1) Append it to the end of the .sig 2) Include it as a seperate file 3) Just delete the damn thing, log off, and watch Ren and Stimpy or (my favorite): append it to the end of your sig, THEN log off and watch Ren and Stimpy. - Stev0 13, Rot - 610-623 Address - 55-58 Autograph, Burroughs, William S. - 527-533 Child, Dying - 155-174 Copyright - 86-88 Credits - 19,20 Dedication - 781-783 Disclaimers - 22-25, 89-98, 142, 153, 216, 276, 474, 677-686, 772, 790 Drawings, ASCII: Bozo - 644-670 Brain - 28-37 Bunny, Energizer, Being Nuked - 540-556 Check, Amiga - 223-243 Dog - 40-48 Enterprise - 501-506, 692-695 Simpson, Bart, Minimalist - 245-253 Sword - 692-709 Terminator - 478-489 unknown (command flow?) 736-744 unknown (computer?) 293-300 End, The - 775-780, 831 Favorites: Author - 77-81 Font - 144-146 Heavy Metal Band - 245-253 Movie - 137-138 Movie - 478-489 Painters - 641-643 Quotes - 388-440 Quotes, Star Trek - 507-511 SF Short Story - 207-208 Skeleton Joke - 210 Feh, Fee Fi Fo - 638 Font, BUA - 257-273 Font, Biggest UA - 559-609 GIF, R-Rated - 626-635 History - 2-16 Line 350 - 828 Manuals, MTS - 535-537 Map, Australia - 308-320 Map, Massachusetts - 785-788 Map, Moon 442-473, 748-771 Network, Sean Coates' - 350-362 Peeks, Twin - 176-205 Phobias - 712-716 Posts Made, Number of - 364-386 Quitting Attempts - 794-825 Quotes, Random - 57-75, 83, 84, 99-135, 140-152, 212-214, 321-348, 490-497, 514-525, 723-734 Scissors - 745-746 Score, Tetris - 220 Smilies - 303-305 Space, Blank - 280-291 Virus, .Sig, German - 672-674 ==== GEEK CODE: +++ ++ - ++++ - --- --- - + - +++ -- ++++ -- + --- + +++++ +++ - ++ nil nil nil Alt.alien.visitors elected me OFFICIAL Spokesman For The Planet Earth! --------- In article <13bvonINN6il@darkstar.UCSC.EDU> carolo@cse.ucsc.edu signed: >-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= >Carol Osterbrock * Life is too short for 4 line .sigs >carolo@cse.ucsc.edu * -- well, if Kibo didn't say it, he should have >============================================================================== ---------- UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED. RMS told me to plug the League For Programmed Freedom in my .signature so I did. Join the LPF! RMS is cool. SEE BATMAN 2 !!!! -- I HAVE A BLACK BELT ! IN NUCLEAR PHYSICS -- ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:311305 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I ain't got time in my life for this... Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 07:18:19 GMT X-Face-Colors: dk_blue lt_gray lt_blue References: <20000830200625.15199.00001592@ng-fv1.aol.com> <5uur5.573$Ld.10759@newscontent-01.sprint.ca> <8on01k$dei$1@slb1.atl.mindspring.net> Nntp-Posting-Host: world.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Internet Text-Based Content Deployment System 1.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.8 Lines: 64 Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > "Mikal 606" (mikal606@ix.netcom.com) wrote: > > > > Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > > > > > [...on time she spent spying on us before introducing herself politely...] > > > > > > I took a lot of time to do a whole bunch of homework on everyone. > > > > Then tell me why this is called the UNITY MATRIX > > > > 1 . . > > > > I = . 1 . > > > > . . 1 > > You forgot the Iguana iguana powersurgius. > > If you move the mouse pointer around really > quickly, you can make it fly right off the flagpole and > drift away, just like Dr. Gil Amelio. > > > > > I = 1 . > . > . 1 > . > . . > 1 I always liked how you could make the detachable flag drift deep into the ground without it being obscured by the ground. Things in the real world should be like that. "Damn it! I can't get any sleep, because I can see that glowing drive-in movie screen half a mile away -- if only there weren't several buildings in front of it to make it visible! I hate this crazy mixed-up world in which things are only occluded if they have nothing in front of them! Oh well, time to glue a packet of whiskers to my face so my body can absorb them before I go stalk Captain Kangaroo!" But then the producers of "Home Improvement" sued Apple over that flag and they had to replace it with a different secret suprise. I hear that the new one is that there is some page somewhere on www.mac.com that says that Steve Jobs has fleas. -- K. Its address is http://homepage.mac.com/kibo/steve-jobs-has-fleas.html and it only violates about 43 of the rules in Apple's Terms Of Service, which make Walt Disney look more relaxed than Tommy Chong getting Jerry Lewis's prescription by mistake. P.S. I'll explain how Tom Arnold got into this article for $3. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:311328 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: The most important real news story ever! Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 08:45:36 GMT X-Face-Colors: dk_blue lt_gray lt_blue References: Nntp-Posting-Host: world.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Internet Text-Based Content Deployment System 1.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.8 Lines: 47 According to l'AFP: > > Subject: "Posh Spice" has meningitis: British newspaper > > LONDON, Sept 2 (AFP) - Victoria Beckham, one half of Britain's > best-known celebrity couple, has been struck down with the > meningitis bug, a British newspaper reported on Saturday. > The singer "Posh Spice" has contracted viral meningitis -- less > serious than the potentially fatal bacterial form of the illness -- > the tabloid Mirror newspaper said. > The viral form of the illness can cause fever, vomiting, > headache and diarrhoea. Beckham is resting at home, the newspaper said. STOP THE PRESSES! ONE OF THE SPICE GIRLS MIGHT HAVE DIARRHEA! OH, FORGET ABOUT COVERING AMERICA DROPPING BOMBS ON IRAQ, WE NEED TO DEVOTE MORE SPACE TO THE BATHROOM HABITS OF ONE OR MORE SPICE GIRLS! GOSH I HOPE IT'S NOT THE TALENTED ONE!!! > [...] > > Beckham recently suffered the indignity of having her first solo > record miss out on the number one spot in the British music charts. OH NO! AND DIARRHEA TOO! > She and her husband were this week in court seeking an injuction > to prevent their former bodyguard revealing details about their > private life in a forthcoming book. YEAH! LIKE ANYONE WOULD WANT TO KNOW PERSONAL DETAILS ABOUT A WOMAN WHO HAS DIARRHEA! > The celebrity couple reached an out-of-court settlement with the > book's publishers. I'M GOING TO KEEP TYPING IN CAPITALS UNTIL THE QUESTION OF WHETHER OR NOT A SPICE GIRL MIGHT HAVE DIARRHEA IS RESOLVED! -- K. I always thought of the Spice Girls as being immune to diarrhea because they were _carriers_. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:311927 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The most important real news story ever! Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 04:27:14 GMT X-Face-Colors: dk_blue lt_gray lt_blue References: <43s9rsk14sq18q34ak83ttvaq7v248sf61@4ax.com> Nntp-Posting-Host: world.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Internet Text-Based Content Deployment System 1.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.8 Lines: 27 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I always thought of the Spice Girls as being immune to diarrhea because > > they were _carriers_. > > TRUE STORY: > In Seldovia, Alaska, we saw a sign over the only jukebox in town saying > DO NOT PLAY #107 YOU WILL BE WASTING YOUR MONEY I WILL PULL THE PLUG > and I was very proud of myself when I saw that it was that "Wanna Be" > song that I had only heard references to and never actually heard yet. The ironic thing is that it actually sounds like a plug being pulled out of the wall followed by several minutes of silence, punctuated by the sound of gross slobs belching while sled dogs bark outside. (I am assuming the only juke box in town was at a truck-stop diner, because you wouldn't put the only juke box in town in the public library, not even in a town like Seldovia, Alaska.) -- K. A true Kibologist would have put some money in and picked #107 after stripping away the electrical insulation from the cord. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:311329 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Zimbabwe war veteran leader accepts govt apology for crackdown Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 08:55:09 GMT X-Face-Colors: dk_blue lt_gray lt_blue References: Nntp-Posting-Host: world.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Internet Text-Based Content Deployment System 1.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.8 Lines: 20 l'AFP floated this onto their little wire service: > > HARARE, Aug 25 (AFP) - The leader of Zimbabwe's militant war > veterans, who have led the forcible invasions of 1,600 white-owned > farms, said Friday he accepted the government's apology for a > short-lived crackdown on his supporters. > "We accept the government apology whole heartedly and accept the > fact that people who lost property are going to be fully > compensated," Chenjerai "Hitler" Hunzvi told the state-run ZIANA > news agency. Yeah, the government should be ashamed that they called Chenjerai "Hitler" Hunzvi worse than Hitler. -- K. The big question is, when Adolf Hitler was new, who did they say he was worse than? Kaiser Wilhelm? Attila the Hun? Bob Hope? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:311330 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Mmm, Onion Bacon. Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 09:31:49 GMT X-Face-Colors: dk_blue lt_gray lt_blue Nntp-Posting-Host: world.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Internet Text-Based Content Deployment System 1.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.8 Lines: 66 Okay, I have a package of little cookies from Taiwan here. The only English on the front of the package says "ONION BACON". And there's a picture of a big plate of wadded-up, bright red stips of bacon with one or two white rings of onion on top, plus some parsley. Inset in a little rectangle is a picture of the cookies, which are squares appearing to be common sugar wafers (the styrofoamy ones sold at drugstores in pink, yellow, and brown). I have no clue whether these will be sweet cookies or salty crackers or both, I just know that they want me to think they have bacon in them, and so I bought them even though they don't ACTUALLY have any bacon in them -- I'd rather eat imaginary bacon than eat something without bacon. INGREDIENTS: Vegetable oil, Flour, Whey powder, Lactose, Maltodextrine, Flavours, Dry onion, Lecithin, Salt, Taste blenders, Soybean powder, Sodium bicarbonate (leavening agent) And the answer is... "Taste blenders." And the question, which has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar, is... "How do stupid people get their tongues shredded?" HI-YO!!! (Sorry, Johnny Carson was just on my TV making fun of Billy Carter. Apparently Jerry Lewis is new raising money for his telethon by showing us 25-year-old topical monologues by other comedians.) So, what ARE "taste blenders"? Some sort of powerful acid where they don't have to stir the other ingredients together because they all dissolve and then congeal into a uniform gel which tastes like crispy bacon? I'm opening the package now... Well, these cookies do smell like Bac*Os. (Bac*Os have an asterisk in their name to indicate they're artificial, like the laugh track in M*A*S*H.) In other words, they smell like liquid smoke. The taste is... kind of bacony... kind of greasy... kind of plywoody. But the texture... is alternating layers of crispy wafer cookie... with slimy lard layers in between the shattery crisp laminae. Imagine if you bought a package of sugar wafers (50 cents per pound) from your local drugstore, separated the layers, rinsed away all the interstitial frosting with a powerful acid, and then spread the contents of your kitchen's old coffee can full of congealed bacon pan drippings from last month on the wafers before reassembling them. Oh, and also, you have to have only cooked ARTIFICIAL bacon in your frying pan for the past month. These aren't terrible, but as bacon-flavored cookies go, they could be better. They're not as good as those beef-flavored elephant's-ear cookies I keep buying which taste like beef soup with a cookie crunch. (Those also come in squid flavor, which I don't buy. I seldom buy things that have wacky smiling cartoon cephalopods on the package.) -- K. This lard-based candy is made on the same machine as Moishe's Glatt Kosher Celery Chews and Anton LaVey's Satanic Swirls. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:312011 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Mmm, Onion Bacon. Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 11:04:28 GMT X-Face-Colors: dk_blue lt_gray lt_blue References: <1egia7s.1kimdg91nomocaN@m-dialin-307.addcom.de> Nntp-Posting-Host: world.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Internet Text-Based Content Deployment System 1.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.8 Lines: 76 Marc Etienne Lachance (lachance@addcom.de) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, I have a package of little cookies from Taiwan here. > > > > The only English on the front of the package says "ONION BACON". > > Sounds like the sort of snack I see all the time here in Germany. Waah! I hate you because you're in Germany and I'm not and the Wusthaus went out of business. Make some of Germany move to the United States so I can buy stuff. I demand that Germany invade North America so I can get better schnitzel! Wiener or otherwise! > The wwird thing is, cheap American-style bacon is even more expensive > than gourmet Tyrolean mountain-cured ham. Bac*Os are non-existant. > > (Sigh...) Go figger. Don't worry about the Bac*Os. Here's how to make your own: 1.) Go to the pet store. 2.) Go to the aquarium aisle. 3.) Go to the aquarium gravel shelf. 4.) Rip open a bag of fluorescent magenta gravel. 5.) Dump it into your mouth. 6.) While smoking a cigar filled with smelly hickory wood shavings. 7.) Break all your teeth eating smoky pink gravel. 8.) The End. Although Bac*Os have been improved a few times since their introduction moments after World War II (like all the worst elements of American pop culture -- "Yay! We won the war! Now we can act like idiots because we can kick the butt of any country that thinks their culture is better than ours!") the basic concept has never changed -- large, sharp-edged crystals of some sort of smoke-flavored igneous rock. They have little in common with ordinary fake bacon bits made out of textured soy protein -- Bac*Os seem as if they TRIED to eliminate all texture, they are solidly compressed masses of material harder than the average rock candy. And they are a pink color which more resembles Barbie's favorite color of dried Play-Doh than any organic substance. Bac*Os are The Color From Out Of Space. Next month Steve Jobs will introduce a Bac*O-colored iMac. Relatively recently (about ten years ago) they expanded the product line to include "Bac*Os Bits", which are smaller and fluffier and browner and generally more like the ordinary fake bacon bits enjoyed at lousy salad bars everywhere. The original tooth-shattering Bac*Os are now called "Bac*Os Chips", and are still flat and polygonal and gamma rays still bounce off them. They still taste like bone fragments soaked in smoky liquid carcinogens. Bac*Os are to bacon as lemon Pez are to lemon meringue pie. (I know which two of those four I'd be willing to get hit in the face with.) -- K. Bac*Os are only third on the list of All Things In The Universe Sorted By How Much Unlike Bacon They Are. The worst fake bacon I know would be either the Beggin' Strips ("Dogs don't know it's not bacon!") which taste like molasses-soaked cardboard, or the vegetarian bacon made from soy protein and dairy whey which went rancid in my fridge before I tried to taste it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:311558 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I heart Unlambda Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Tue, 5 Sep 2000 03:05:12 GMT X-Face-Colors: dk_blue lt_gray lt_blue References: <_byp5.520595$MB.7907292@news6.giganews.com> <8F9E5B909dontreadthis@130.102.2.1> <8F9FCD2E2doidyhead@209.30.0.14> <8FA0313B3browse0tron@209.155.56.81> <8FA057E13doidyhead@209.30.0.14> <8oj6h1$99p$1@unlnews.unl.edu> <8FA4AC315ktakki@216.206.190.193> Nntp-Posting-Host: world.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Internet Text-Based Content Deployment System 1.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.8 Lines: 48 Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > When I was about five years old, I saw letters being used as variables > somewhere. It wasn't in a computer programming context, since the notion > of a programming language, while familiar to specialists (such as my dad), > had not yet entered the public vernacular by that time. Somebody was > talking about algebra on TV or somewhere, and used the letter X to represent > a number. > > I asked my mother what number X was. > > MOM: Well, suppose you write 2 + 2 = X. > > MATT: Yeah? Well, what is the X? > > MOM: Well, 2 and 2 make 4, so then X has to be 4. > > MATT: Oh, so when people say X it just means 4. > > MOM: No, not necessarily. > > MATT: But you said it was 4! > > No matter how she explained it, I remained confused, which I guess is some > sort of validation of Piaget. If you were smarter you would've said "But if X is four... why is there still '4'? And if people evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys, and why can't I have a pet monkey? I promise he wouldn't bite you much. Plus can you raise my allowance by X?" For those who don't know, here are the four stages Piaget identified in every toddler's intellectual development: 1. Learning that milk in a tall glass is better than milk in a wide glass because it's easier to spill. 2. Learning that "encore presentation of a classic episode" means "rerun". 3. Learning that blue raspberry and red raspberry come from the same fruit, which doesn't exist. 4. Learning that the square peg does too fit into the round hole if you apply a sufficient amount of plastic explosive. -- K. MOMMY, I MADE A KA-BOOM-BOOM! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:311576 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Puzzling commercial #20000904a. Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Tue, 5 Sep 2000 03:39:25 GMT X-Face-Colors: dk_blue lt_gray lt_blue Nntp-Posting-Host: world.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Internet Text-Based Content Deployment System 1.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.8 Lines: 32 This is a local commercial which has been saturating the airwaves near Boston. (Bad commercial? You're soaking in it!) They show a sad-looking donkey (as in the ass kind) chewing on a doorknob. The announcer yells: "KRAMER THE MAGICAL DONKEY OPENS THE DOOR TO HUGE TOYOTA SAVINGS!" and then they cut to some guy selling cars. I think we can all envision the creative meeting that produced this ad: "Hey, one of our customers has a brother who knows a friend of this guy who knows how to train a donkey to eat peanut butter if we smear some on a doorknob." "Would that be cheaper than hiring an ad agency?" "Of course!" "Wait, I just realized that donkeys chewing on doorknobs have nothing whatsoever to do with making people want to buy Japanese cars... Unless... it's some kind of... MAGICAL DONKEY!" "It makes perfect sense! And know what I like about it? It's BELIEVABLE!" "So, let's get started... BRING ME THE ASS!" -- K. Anxiously awaiting to see the Jordan's Furniture guys make fun of Kramer, The Non-Sequitur Donkey. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:311923 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Puzzling commercial #20000904a. Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 04:20:23 GMT X-Face-Colors: dk_blue lt_gray lt_blue References: <39b51945.72658074@news.sprint.ca> Nntp-Posting-Host: world.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Internet Text-Based Content Deployment System 1.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.8 Lines: 73 Steve Lord (slord@wpi.edu) wrote: > > Darla VladsChyk (Darla4695@sprint.delete.ca) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Anxiously awaiting to see the Jordan's Furniture guys make fun > > > of Kramer, The Non-Sequitur Donkey. > > > > Is there some way you could arrange for these Jordan guys to be blowed > > up real good? Or at least not be on tee vee anymore? > > They're not that bad. They don't need to be blowed up as much as anyone > involved in any way with those stupid Old Navy commercials. Hi Steve! How are things over there in Wensselaer? The Jordan's commercials where they aren't parodying anything in particular (e.g. the one where they show the open field for a while and then one of them asks the other what the point was) are uninteresting, but at least not as obnoxious as most other commercials. The ones where they put an amazing amount of effort into doing beautiful pastiches of other people's commercials that we're sick of (that VW one where everything happens in time to the music, the Blue Man group ads, the one with Jonathan Pryce's stunt double doing the backflip, and the ones where "they're doing that ball-bearing thing" have all been inspirations for some incredible pastiches) and frankly I'd rather see a hundred parodies of a Blue Man Group commercial than see another Blue Man Group commercial. Barry and Eliot Tatelman are now major celebrities in the Boston area, to the point where they're now doing commercials for _other_ people (they have one where they plug Blue Cross, while mostly talking about how well-known they are.) The commercials where Barry and Eliot just talk into the camera about how they're super-big celebrities now are EXCRUCIATING, much like the ones they did years ago before getting clever where they just showed people screaming "WOO! AWESOME!" because they had just ridden M.O.M. (Motion Odyssey Movie) in the parking lot of one of their stores. (Yes, that used to be their big draw. They had a virtual-reality ridefilm outside one of their stores.) But their commercial parodies are still great fun. Those of you in the other parts of the country (if there are any others that matter besides the northeast) don't get to see Barry and Eliot mimicking Blue Man group acting silly, or driving through the furniture store as people scratch themselves in time to techno music, or rolling ball bearings along the grooves in their sofas. I wrote them a letter asking them to please make fun of that local Toyota dealer's commercial with Kramer, The Irrelevant Donkey, and I'll let you guys know if they write back. Unless of course they're too big to answer their mail now that they're almost as famous as I am. Incidentally, their furniture company was just purchased by a much bigger company, so their Web site is closed for renovations. It says (in boldface), "Furniture pictures are not available at this time." Waah! They took away the furniture porn! -- K. Anyone else remember the NYNEX "Furniture Stripping" commercial? If so, we could segue into a discussion of their "Spot Welding"