Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Y2K: Nine Months Later (part 1 of 2) Date: Sun, 3 Sep 2000 09:16:20 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Well, The Y2K Bug seems to have blown over without blowing up the world. The End Of The World As We Know It was pretty boring. However, I notice that most corporations and government agencies still have their "We're working hard to get ready for Y2K!" Web pages sitting there. There are a number of sites still offering advice on what sort of chemical toilet we should stock in our fallout shelters. And of the .gov sites which have been updated since Y2K, most seem to have developed a trite "Lessons Learned" section which allows them to remind themselves how to solve the Y2K problem when it comes back in the year 2100. (I wonder if the "Lessons Learned" sections of .gov Web sites or the often wildly inappropriate "For Kids" sections were mandated by Al Gore, or whether they all just imitate each other.) So, over the past week, I researched Web pages about Y2K to look for stale ones, silly ones, trite ones, and generally bozotic ones. The quotes that follow are excerpts from actual, living, breathing Web pages which are being displayed to the general public as of September, 2000. (Exceptions: One is from a dead site, and one is from a printed catalog, but those two are clearly marked. All the other quotes are from incredibly outdated Web pages nobody's bothered to remove.) --------------------------------- Quotable Y2K quotes (part 1 of 2) --------------------------------- National Y2K Clearinghose (www.y2k.gov): > > The National Y2K Clearinghouse web site is in the process > of being finalized. State of Alabama's Y2K FAQ: (this is the entire document) > > FAQ > > This section is under development. University of Colorado (Boulder) General Y2K FAQs: (this is the entire document) > > General Y2K FAQs > > Q: A couple of years ago, my great-grandma got a truancy notice > because she didn't show up to kindergarten. Is this a Y2K problem? > > A: Actually, this is a Y1.9K problem, but it's similar. The > computers that calculated your great-grandmother's age couldn't > perform date calculations across centuries. The same thing is > happening now around the globe (or will be in just a short while), > but on a much larger scale. National Y2K Information Coordination Center's "Lessons Learned": > > The ICC is about people and extraordinary success. Everything2000.com's "Y2K Party Tips": > > The 1999's New Year's Eve Party will be, without a doubt, > the party of our lifetime. > > [...] > > Activities and entertainment planned specially for guests > will vary with the size of the group, the venue and the budget. The Cassandra Project's Y2K FAQ: > > Q. Is the Y2K problem for real? Or is it a lot of hype? > > A. The problem definitely exists, and programmers have known > about it for decades. We first experienced year 2000 date problems > in 1970 when mortgage companies tried to calculate 30 year mortgages. > The federal government learned about it first hand when they tried > to calculate military benefits in the year 2000. Year 2000 problems > have cropped up recently and incidents are on the increase as we > approach the century mark. We will see more and more problems and > more serious effects as we get nearer 2000. (...like making Web sites get staler and staler.) Millcreek MIS's Y2K FAQ: > > Will my hardware and OS be allright in the year 2000? > > In a word, "probably". We've been stymied in our efforts to obtain > information from the respective vendors on which models are Y2K compliant. (...all of the ones being sold now?) South Point (Ohio) Local School District's Y2K FAQ: > > What is the Y2K problem? > > People see TIME as an endless continuum. (...wow, that's a heavy concept. It continues:) > [...] > > Without the century digits the last day of this millennium > will be 99-12-31, and after the stroke of midnight many computers > will see January 1, 2000, as 00-01-01 - a SMALLER number than > the day before - time will appear to have REVERSED. > > OLD will seem YOUNG, a FEW moments will seem like an ENTIRE century, > FUTURE events will have ALREADY occurred. (...and everything that ever happened on "Doctor Who" will become real!) Further puzzlers for the philosophers: Compusupport.com's Y2K FAQ: > > What is the 1999 problem? > > The date September 9, 1999 (9/9/99) was popular back in the 1980's as > an expiration date for archived data that was to have no expiration date. Western Michigan University Y2K FAQ: > > What is COBOL and why does it exist? Mississippi State University Extension Program Y2K FAQ: > > 3. How can I tell whether things I own contain small computers > or embedded chips? > > The truth is, you can't. But there is a chance that products that > require some kind of time-tracking to make them work might have a > chip or small computer that could affect performance. The > manufacturers of the products you own and use should be able to > tell you if they will still function without adjusting for Y2K. > > 4. What's a "chip", and where is it embedded? > > Some common appliances, machines, and tools, are "embedded" within > the things we use every day, and contain all the information that > tells these objects when and how to perform. Chips are programmed > at the factory, and, to be frank, no one knows if they will stop > working when the clock passes midnight on December 31, 1999. (...that's right! Toasters are inherently unpredictable and do not obey the laws of Man and God!) Touch Systems (Canada) Y2K FAQ: > > The Year 2000 problem got its start in the early 1960s, > when RAM and external storage devices were expensive and > data entry was labor-intensive. (...but before Kennedy was shot, RAM was plentiful and data-entry was FUN!) U.S. Nuclear Regulatory Commission, "15 October 1999 Y2K Exercise Lessons Learned": > > The Y2K Early Warning System (YEWS), developed by NRC, was used > successfully during the exercise by the NRC and its regulatory > counterparts in twelve other countries. This was the first time > the system was used extensively in an exercise environment. > Consequently, a number of constructive suggestions have been made > for how the system can be improved. For example, a modified report > entry is shown as a separate report, which can cause confusion. > > [...] > > The NRC established a mock White House Information Coordination Center > (ICC) cell in the NRC auditorium and conducted briefings to graduate > journalism students playing the role of the media. Last item in the "WE'RE Y2K READY FAQ" from www.1shoponline.com: > > Q. Does your web site include information on your Year 2000 readiness? > > A. Yes. www.1shoponline.com Internet Legal Resource Guide's "Sample Y2K Contract Language": > > [...] > > 1.1 Licensor represents and warrants that the Software is > designed to be used prior to, during, and after the calendar year > 2000 A.D., and that the Software will operate during each such > time period without error relating to date data, specifically > including any error relating to, or the product of, date data which > represents or references different centuries or more than one century. "Wired" magazine, April 1999: > > Whatever the Y2K crisis turns out to be, it is already unprecedented: > We have never before anticipated the simultaneous breakdown of > a significant fraction of the world's machinery. > > [...] > > Across the spectrum of Y2K mavens, from debunkers to doomsayers, > a rare point of agreement is that the electricity system is > at the core of the problem. InformationWeek magazine: > > Speaking of the IT industry in general, Elliott says, > "without Y2K, there would not have been the market that > drove the development of software such as search engines, > parsers, and testing tools." Red Hat Linux Y2K-readiness disclosure: > > We are continuing to investigate the compliance status of > current and upcoming Red Hat Linux versions. We are committed > to ensuring that ongoing testing will take place into the new year > and we will release compliance fixes as the need arises in a > timely fashion. > > Our Year 2000 team will be pleased to provide all information > as it is discovered. Canon (Europe) Y2K-readiness disclosure: > > [...] > > 3. Your target date for completing Y2K readiness? > Our target date to be ready is July 1999. > > [...] > > For Canon it is practically impossible to set up contingency plans > that will cover all aspects of our business. This is because the > very high grade of automation. Williams Pinball Y2K-readiness disclosure: > > We are pleased to announce that we have reviewed our Pinball products > and we believe that operation of our Pinball products should not be > affected by the Year 2000 problem. Obviously, we are not making any > representations about your facility infrastructure or other systems > or software to which our products may be connected. Baker & Taylor Corporation's Y2K-readiness disclosure: > > This web site is hereby designated a Year 2000 Internet Web site > under the Year 2000 Information and Readiness Disclosure Act. > Baker & Taylor may use this Web site as a means of providing certain > Year 2000 information to its customers and suppliers. All past, > present and future pages on this web site regarding the Year 2000 > are hereby designated as "Year 2000 Readiness Disclosures" under > the Year 2000 Information and Readiness Disclosure Act. "Y2K Readiness in Oman - Action Plan": > > 1. What is the Y2K problem? > > The Y2K problem is very simple to explain. [...] U.S. National Institute of Standards and Technology Y2K FAQ: > > Q. Is there a February 30 in addition to February 29 in 2000? > > A. No. There is only one leap day in 2000, February 29. The Hindustan Times, January 3, 1999: > > Have you heard the latest? The second month of the great year > 2000, that is February, will have 30 days! No, it is not a > misprint, February 2000 will actually have 30 days. This is a > phenomena that occurs only once in 400 years and is called the > 'leap of leap' year. In simpler terms, this would mean that a baby > born on the fateful day, that is the 30th of February, 2000, will > have to wait for three centuries to celebrate his next birthday! > The millennium is now going to have an entirely new threat if this > turns out be true. > > Consider, for a moment, the implications of this situation. Since > none of the digital calendars in our computers are programmed to > deal with the addition of that extra day in February, everything > is going to go for a toss. And that means - no money, no water, no > power. The mere possibility of the disruption of basic and > essential services in our industrialised and techno-oriented > society is scary. But it is a possibility. Surprisingly then, most > residents of the industrialised as well as the developing nations > in the 20th and the 21st century are ill-prepared for this. > > [...] > > Says Ankur Bhatia, Director, Amedus India, "Software modifications > will then become an urgent necessity to adjust the 30 days in February. > It will be a very big risk with all calculations going topsy turvy." > > "There has been no verification at at the global level on this issue yet. > So, as of now there is no problem, there is no point working on > its solution," adds Arun Dang, Vice President, HCL Corporation. > > In fact, this is what everybody seems to be waiting for - this confirmation > at international level before they decide to act upon the problem. > But by then it might have been too late. The Indian Express, January 1, 1999: > > Now, the Feb bug: In 2000, the month may have 30 days > > UNITED NEWS OF INDIA > > MUMBAI, JAN 1: Will February 2000 have 30 days? It is definitely > a million-dollar question. With the computer-buffs already struggling > hard combating the January 1, 2000, better known as Y2K problem, > they are not taking chances and have taken the reports on > February 30, 2000 bug seriously. > > [...] > > Director of Nehru Planetarium and Director of Astronomical Research > at the Nehru Science Centre Dr J J Raval believes in the possibility. > "I am working out the details and making various calculations to > find it out," he said. DataQuest India magazine, "February 30' 2000, Only in the Rumor Mill": > > The publication of the February 30' 2000 rumor in several different > places is a worrying indication of the level of true year 2000 awareness. Image Sensing Systems, "Autoscope(tm) 2003 Y2K Compliance": > > Autoscope(tm) 2003 Machine Vision Processor with version 3.29 > and Supervisor Software 4.04 will accept programming of non-days > (i.e.; February 30, April 31). If programmed correctly, it > operates correctly. Gary North's Y2K Links and Forums -- "Category: Martial_Law": > > No cyberterrorist or hacker could dream of doing what y2k > has been programmed to do. > > Plans to impose martial law have been in effect since late 1997. > The training is the same, so the public will not be alarmed. > The Army has created special emergency response divisions made up of > National Guard units and Reserve units. But the plans seem to have begun > with an Executive Order signed by President Clinton in July, 1996, > which set up the Presidential Commission on Critical Infrastructure > Protection (PCCIP). "The Y2K Computer Bug -- May 1999", by Ben Best: > > I am risking that social order (even if only martial law) will be > restored within a couple of weeks and that there is a reasonable chance > I may be able to return to work. WorldNetDaily, "Y2K and Martial Law", December 8, 1998: > > For those suspecting the federal government is making Y2K > millennium bug contingency plans that include the suspension of > civil liberties, fears were not allayed by the nation's Y2K czar > at his first summit last week. > > In answer to a question about electrical-power failures caused by > embedded chip problems and other millennium bug breakdowns, John > Koskinen, the chairman of President Clinton's Y2K council, said: > "In a crisis and emergency situation, the free market may not be > the best way to distribute resources. ... If there's a point in > time where we have to take resources and make a judgment on an > emergency basis, we will be prepared to do that." Message titled "Y2K: martial law" posted on a Canadian message board, March 2, 1999: > > The US military is training for martial law next year. They're using > live ammo. They're giving adjacent civilians NO warning about it. > > [...] > > What does this tell us? > > There WILL be food shortages; it's inevitable. Data Communications magazine article, "Martial Lore", March 7, 1999: > > The Air Force says it will be 40 percent Y2K-compliant by 2003. from ABCnews.com, "No Fooling Your PC": > > In Evansville, Ind., for example, the traffic lights > are controlled by a computer system that has a Y2K problem. > Rather than replacing the Y2K-afflicted system, the city simply > turned back the clock to 1972, the last year that has a calendar > identical to 2000. cNet article "Software Pirates' Worst Enemy: Y2K", March 4, 1999: > > Not all is lost for those using pirated software and > facing the Year 2000 challenge. In fact, users of PC > pirated software may have it easier than they think. from www.y2kwomen.com ("Y2KWomen: Especially For Women"), "What's the Big Deal About Y2K?: The Year 2000 Problem: What Every Woman Needs to Know and How to Keep Herself and Her Family Safe": > > [...] > > 7. Having all these emergency supplies around the house sounds > good in theory, but I don't have much extra space. Where am I > going to store all this stuff? > > With the exception of most kinds of food, which you need to > secure against bugs and rodents, you can store other items > almost anywhere. Just use your imagination. U.S. Indian Health Service Y2K FAQ: > > How do I know if I have a Year 2000 problem? > > You should assume that you have a problem unless you can prove otherwise. Computer Professionals for Social Responsibility (CPSR): > > We are pleased to announce the CPSR Winter Newsletter > devoted to Y2K. It features articles from prominent scientists > and fiction from Arthur C. Clarke. HAL Computer Systems, Inc., Y2K-readiness disclosure: > > HAL Computer Systems, Inc. warrants that all products are > certified as Year 2000 compliant. (they don't go insane until a year later.) ...also from the CPSR Newsletter: "OOPS 2000: The Y2K Bug and the Threat of Catastrophic Chemical Releases, by Lenny Siegel" > > [...] > > There is no longer time to prevent all potential Y2K system > breakdowns, but there is time to get ready for them. Public interest > groups, emergency responders, and environmental organizations, > hopefully backed by state agencies, the federal government, and > private foundations, can mobilize to demand the right to know about, > prepare for, and prevent toxic Y2K catastrophes. (...especially catastrophic chemical releases by Lenny Siegel.) --------------------------------- continued in part 2 --------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Y2K: Nine Months Later (part 2 of 2) Date: Sun, 3 Sep 2000 09:20:15 GMT References: Organization: http://www.kibo.com Here's the rest of my collection of quotable yet stale Y2K quotes. --------------------------------- Quotable Y2K quotes (part 2 of 2) --------------------------------- from survival-center.com, "Captain Dave's Y2K FAQ": > > Whether you want to learn more about Y2K for yourself, > or so you an answer questions from a non-believer, > we hope this FAQ will be helpful. > > [...] > > There are also a number of things that you may wish to avoid doing > in early 2000, or at least until the systems in question have > proven themselves reliable. These include: > > 1. Fly on an airplane. > > 2. Schedule any medical tests or surgery. > > 3. Make a long distance phone call that spans 12/31/99 > into the new year - you wouldn't want to get billed for > a 99-year phone call. > > 4. Send a package in 1999 that won't arrive until 2000. > > 5. Make an ATM deposit. (Watch out for #4! You wouldn't want your cousin's birthday gift to arrive way back in the year 1900 before they were even born!) Web page titled "Y2K -- Disaster Handbook Purchase": > > The Comprehensive Disaster Preparedness > and > Recovery Educational Module > > Community leaders and emergency agency officials charged with > the safety and well-being of farm animals and human citizens before, > during, and after disasters can count on the accuracy and completeness > of information in this educational package. > > The module includes: > > * 1,000-page (2 volume) Disaster Handbook, > * CD-ROM, > * "Are You Ready" video > > based on a disaster preparedness satellite video conference held at > the University of Florida's Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences. American Red Cross "Y2K Supplies Suggestions": > > Were you among the many who assembled supplies in case of Y2K, > but found that no problems occurred requiring their use? > That's okay. . . . You should be pleased that you and your loved ones > will be ready to deal with a future natural or technological hazard > that could disrupt your lives. Microsoft Year 2000 Readiness Disclosure and Resource Center: > > The products represented in this guide constitute an incomplete > list of Microsoft products. Microsoft will continually update > this guide with the most current Year 2000 test information. The Small Business Adminstration's Y2K loan program: > > The Y2K Action Loan Program: > > * Loan applications can now be accepted; PC Year 2000 Alliance Web site: > > Have you already assessed the year 2000 status of your PC hardware > according to the manufacturer's guidance? > > If yes---You probably do not need to retest. CERT (Computer Emergency Response Team) Y2K FAQ: > > [...] > > What are the dates that I should be concerned about? > > * September 9, 1999 > > There was concern that the date 9/9/99 would be interpreted > as an error code in older programs. The CERT/CC did not receive > any reports of problems caused by the date of September 9, 1999. Oberlin College online newsletter article "Today is 9-9-99 -- Are We Worried?": > > [...] > > Everett Doner, associate computer systems manager, > calls the 9-9-99 problem "fascinating." Newsbytes, September 10, 1999: > > September 9, or '9999', is a key date in older computers > that poses a similar problem to Y2K. The date 9/9/99 was used > by programmers to indicate the last record on file in older > mainframe systems. There was concern that systems reading this > end of file marker may shut down. > > Australia's Ministry of Communications and Information Technology reported > only one incident. A TAFE (tertiary and further education) institution > in Tasmania sent in a problem with a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet. Associazione Osservatorio 2000 (Italy) press release, September 7, 1999: > > IL 9/9/99 > non e la prova del 9 del Bug del Millennio > > [...] > > La posizione di Osservatorio 2000 sulla questione e di stupore, > stupore per l'attenzione esagerata e soprattutto ingiustificata > che il problema ha suscitato. Reuters article "9/9/99: Bug or Dud?", September 7, 1999: > > Stand by for another dud millennium computer bug warning. Reuters article "Will 9/9/99 create Y2K-like havoc?", September 9, 1999: > > [...] > > Four nines in the date field could also trigger a grand total > or a sorting operation, said Jim Kelton, president of Software Unlimited, > an Irvine, California, software consulting firm specialized in > networks and Y2K. The New American article "Y2K is Here!", April 26, 1999: > > The most obvious date upon which these computers should have > encountered this situation was January 1, 1999. Data Dimensions explained: > "This systemic failure due to 'the nines' is potentially very damaging. > It is no major exaggeration to say that every date processing program > is potentially vulnerable to this error.... Unless immediate action is taken > to address and solve the 1999 date problem, computer failure is inevitable." U.S. Department of Energy's "Y2K Fast Facts" Web page includes this Reuters article (headline unknown), October 20, 1999: > > WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The Federal Bureau of Investigation said Wednesday > it was warning local police about the danger of apocalyptic violence > by white supremacist groups spurred by the dawn of the year 2000. > > [...] > > The report also cited a Year 2000-related threat from those who fear > the United Nations "will initiated an armed takeover of the United States." USA Today article "Analysts' new fear: Y2K the movie", October 26, 1999: > > Worries about a War of the Worlds reaction on Y2K > > By Richard Wolf, USA TODAY > > The experts preparing against technological mayhem in 2000 are > worried. > > Not about the mayhem. They're fretting about a movie. > > NBC will air next month Y2K, a made-for-TV film that forebodes > disaster at the turn of the third millennium. Power failures sweep > the Eastern Seaboard. Commercial jet instruments fail. A nuclear > power plant teeters on the brink of a meltdown. > > Not only that: ATMs won't spit out any cash. > > Variety magazine calls it "a disaster picture that imagines > near-apocalyptic results." > > The New York Times bills it as "a movie for the chronically > panic-stricken." > > This is not what Y2K wonks expect to happen in the wee hours of > Jan. 1, and they're worried viewers will react to Y2K the way > listeners did to Orson Welles' infamous radio depiction of Martian > landings in The War of the Worlds. > > "I'm hoping it doesn't become something like crying 'Fire!' in a > theater," says Mike Benzen, president of the National Association > of State Information Resource Executives. "Nuclear plants aren't > going to melt down. Airplanes aren't going to fall out of the sky. > We don't want to see people greatly altering behavior." "Statement of Senator Chris Dodd on Initial Y2K Transition Results": > > [...] > > The resources dedicated to reprogramming millions of lines of code, > testing and retesting equipment, developing contingency plans, > and educating the public were well placed. Had these steps not been > taken, yesterday's achievement might have been today's fiasco instead. U.S. Senate Special Committee on the Year 2000 Technology Problem site: > > BEWARE OF SCAMS. Con artists are already actively exploiting > people's Y2K fears. Be wary of goods and services touted as > Y2K guaranteed. Beware of anyone attempting to sell you unnecessary > products such as massive food supplies, water treatment kits or > other Y2K personal preparedness items. From the same site, a document titled "Senate Y2K Cmte Report: Investigating the Year 2000 Problem" > > [...] > > An interruption in the food supply so severe as to threaten the > well-being and basic comfort of the American public is unlikely. U.S. Chemical Safety and Hazard Investigation Board: > > Do you have your Y2K compliant wallet calendar? > > Order Y2000 cards (It has the URL of www.chemsafety.gov on one side and a tiny 2000 calendar on the other. No actual Y2K information.) Federal Communications Commission's "Suggestions on How to Prepare for the Year 2000": > > What is Y2K? Although it may have many names -- Y2K, > the Millennium Bug, the year 2000 problem -- they all mean > the same thing. > > [...] > > It goes without saying that the communications industry > will play a vital role in [italicized] _other_people's_ > contingency planning. Center For Y2K & Society's "Potential Y2K Gotchas": > > Potential Y2K Gotchas > > 1. You use Apple Macintosh computers. [...] elsewhere on their site, "Will Embedded Systems Fail on Christmas?" > > [...] > > Y2K could be the last Christmas present of 1999. Although > it will be the early evening of December 25 in the United States, > it will be the morning of Sunday December 26, 1999 on the > west side of the International Date Line. from consumer.gov, "U.S. Consumer Gateway": > > [...] > > Important Records: Keep copies of important records -- > particularly your bank and financial statements, medical records > and prescription drug information -- in the few months before and > after January 1, 2000. (You don't have to keep them until April 15th. Just burn them in February.) "Apocalypse Not: Few Y2K Computer Problems", Reuters article, January 1: > > The long-awaited, much-feared Y2K computer bug finally arrived > as the new millennium rolled across the globe -- but apparently > triggered few minor problems as Russian and U.S. nuclear missiles > stayed in their silos and the global aviation industry passed a > key test with flying colors. > Though the Y2K computer bug failed to bite hard at midnight, > experts warn business and governments not to drop their guard. Sam Donaldson's last Y2K report for ABCnews.com, January 1: > > "At this point, we are not aware of anything that is broken > because of Y2K," said federal millennium czar John Koskinen. John Koskinen's Feburary 29, 2000 press briefing: > > The U.S. Coast Guard reports a Leap Year rollover software > problem in the Standard Semi-Automated Message Processing System > archiver module. > > [...] > > We have reports that some "Caller ID" boxes have been affected > by the leap year date. These boxes are customer-owned. > > [...] > > The Dutch Meteorological Institute was unable to transfer weather > forecasts to the news media. There were no problems with the contents > of the forecasts, only the transmission to the media. International Y2K Coordination Center: > > Through six conference calls over two days with national and > regional Y2K coordinators from every continent, the IY2KCC > monitored the leap year date change. Less than two dozen problems > were reported, all of them minor. Problems included incorrect date > displays on cellular phones (Morocco), on caller-ID boxes (US), > and on airline baggage tags (US); temporary interruptions in > service at a few automatic teller machines (Japan) and in > transmitting weather data to the media (Netherlands); inability to > schedule doctors appointments in a handful of doctors' offices (UK); > inability of a few merchants to verify credit card data (New Zealand); > and, inability to enter correct expiration dates on new passports > (Bulgaria). All problems were corrected within hours. From accountantsledger.com, "What are the Y2K lessons we learned?" (site was down but I retrieved this from Google's cache): > > So, the question on many people's mind is, was the Y2K problem real > or was it a massive scam by the computer industry? > > In this case, the computer industry was probably the victim of > its own success. Posted to the "intelforum" discussion list on January 11, 2000: > > I would STRONGLY suggest that anyone interested in real-world intelligence > grabs every piece of information on Y2K and analyzes them carefully, for > valuable lessons. Already 80% of doomsayer predictions and warnings of > ultimate calamity etc. have been removed from the web. "Did You Know...?" flyer still available on Maryland's Web site: > > If you think the Year 2000 Problem will not affect you, think again. ...and another Maryland flyer, "What Every Citizen Should Know About Y2K": > > [...] > > Don't forget your pets. Public shelters don't allow animals. National Fire Data Center's "Fire Y2K Lessons Learned" page: > > Y2K was a situation requiring planning and preparation at every level. > Clearly fire and emergency service providers across the nation > identified the needs of their communities and met the challenge. > The lack of any credible incident attributed to Y2K at the basic > street delivery of services, is concrete evidence of their efforts. (That's right, it was only because of Y2K-remediation efforts that random buildings didn't burst into flames on January 1.) ...also on the same site: > > The community of Greentown, Ohio prepared for Y2K related problems. > Area churches led the way by establishing a task force. ("Oh no! The computer might crash! Quick, call a priest!") NASA's "Lessons Learned During Y2K Testing at the Space Science Data Operations Office": > > [...] > > 9. When printing web pages for documentation purposes from > Macs or PCs, Internet Explorer works better than Netscape. > Internet Explorer prints forms with entries filled in; Netscape > leaves entries blank! > 10. Testers should work from a location other than their office > to minimize interruptions. > 11. Balloons and refreshments lead to more successful testing! Virginia Century Date Change Initiative (CDCI) Lessons Learned: (this isn't any particular page, it's the entire Web site:) > > Proxy Reports: > 10061 Connection refused > > An error occurred while trying to retrieve your URL. > > This error could have been caused by: > > * Bad / misspelled URL > * Your access permissions > * Your network connection and/or transient conditions on the Internet > * An error on the source web server > > Microsoft Proxy Server v2.0 From theinternetfoundation.org, "Lessons Learned from Army, Navy, Air Force Y2K Projects": > > Y2K testing is a major risk reducer of Y2K failures on January 1, 2000 U.S. Marine Corps "Y2K Time Machine Lessons Learned": > > MONDAY, 2 NOVEMBER 98 > > 0650 Read Mr. Hermanowski's Messages and attempted to run the job > myself. As a result, I received a "Catalog not Found" error. > > 0800 Called DMC and tried to get with MSgt Crabtree; however, he > was unavailable. I left a message describing the problem. I > continued to try and contact him throughout the morning. > > 1230 Finally got hold of MSgt Crabtree and he said he was looking > into the problem. > > [...continues in this exciting vein all afternoon...] Office of Treasury Reinvention Year 2000 Lessons Learned: > > Processes or "Shareable Actions" as a result of the Year 2000 > effort include: > > [...] (From now on, I'm going to call everything I do a "shareable action.") Not strictly Y2K-related, but seen in the Department of Energy "Lessons Learned" database: > > Identifier: 2000-ALO-WID-0008 > Date: 8/16/00 > > Title: Pressurized Pain Can Lid Blows Off > > Summary: Do not attempt to open containers that show signs > of pressure build-up. ...and elsewhere on the same site: > > For DOE facilities, the OE Summary should be processed as a a DOE-Wide > information source as described in DOE-STD-7501- 99, The DOE Corporate > Lessosn Learned Program I are learned a a Lessosson about opening up a a can of pain, Mister Doe. And lastly, from a home-furnishings catalog printed on actual paper: > > We call it the millennium ottoman because it's filled with recycled foam. I think from all of this we've learned what we will need to know to survive the next Y2K crisis. -- K. Y2K was just like the Bicentennial, but with different-colored balloons. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Y2K: Nine Months Later (part 1 of 2) Date: Tue, 5 Sep 2000 02:53:11 GMT References: Organization: http://www.kibo.com Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Subject: Y2K: Nine Months Later > > I was certain this was going to be about all the children that were born > because of that major blackout in 48 states that occured as Y2K caused all > of the computers to crash. And because of The Millennium, they'll all have super powers, just like in that Salman Rushdie book that Matt McIrvin likes. (Not the Satanic one, the regular Matt McIrvin.) -- K. Salman Rushdie's zany sci-fi novels zip along at a breakneck pace not unlike, oh, D.H. Lawrence writing an instruction manual for building your own oscilloscope. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Alert! They're on to you! Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 04:58:27 GMT References: <8oejlj$6vp$1@saltmine.radix.net> Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ted -- Run for the hills! The authorities are on to you! > Suspected Emulex hoaxster traded at Mandalay Bay > > The suspected mastermind behind the hoax press release that sent shares of > network equipment maker Emulex (EMLX) plummeting Aug. 24 will face > criminal securities-fraud charges in U.S. District Court in Los Angeles, > The Wall Street Journal reported today. Mark S. Jakob, who was taken into > custody by the FBI Thursday, also faces similar civil charges from the > Securities and Exchange Commission. > > If convicted, Jakob could face up to 15 years in prison and be ordered to > repay all profits he made from the hoax plus an undisclosed amount of > civil penalties. > > While Emulex's value dropped more than $2.5 billion during panic trading > last Friday, Jakob was lounging at the Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas, a city he > regularly visited, the Journal reported. While visiting Sin City, Jakob > managed to buy 3,000 shares of Emulex stock at about $63 a share from a > computer at the Mandalay Bay Hotel. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ They know where you live, Mark "Ted" Jakob "Frank" -- IF ONE OF THOSE FOUR IS INDEED YOUR REAL FIRST NAME!!! -- K. I still prefer the Strat. Too bad Debbie Reynolds closed her hotel, eh? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: On mummies Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 06:25:12 GMT References: <39a3e89d.2238803@news.seanet.com> <280820000819549452%etp@The-Institute.firm> <8F9E689E7doidyhead@209.30.0.14> Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > E Teflon Piano (rgriffiths@ubmail.ubalt.edu) wrote: > > > > [on the hidden fortresses of James Bond's archenemies] > > > > So, even if a nutty rich guy wanted to build an underground Disneyland, > > he'd have to build it and maintain it until all the electricians who > > wired up the death traps died off; the suppliers of the death trap > > components went out of business and people just generally stopped > > thinking about all the jobs that went away since the construction > > finished. Fifty years, at a minimum. That's a lot of overhead to > > maintain a hideout that isn't very hidden and so can't even be used for > > its intended purpose. > > > Yeah. > > AND WHAT ABOUT ALL THE INDEPENDENT CONTRACTORS WORKING ON > THE UNFINISHED DEATH STAR?? DID THEY JUST ALL DIE WHEN > LANDO BLEW IT UP? > > HUH? > > DID THEY? There used to be a scene showing all the independent contractors and and Boba Fett (with missile-firing backpack) and Jabba The Hutt (played by Orson Welles) getting blowed up but George Lucas took it out when he personally refilmed every scene for "The Special Edition" and I don't know why he took out all those scenes of Luke and Han and replaced them with Jar Jar and that annoying kid. Was he just in the film because he's related to someone? Also, did James Earl Jones ever get hot when he personally wore the Darth Vader costume, and did they let him keep it after filming? If so, do you know whether he washes it at the laundromat or has it dry-cleaned? I need to know for a book I'm writing about all celebrities who ever lived. Also you're confusing Lando, the guy with high hair on "Babylon 5", with Starbuck, the guy who invented coffee. The only good thing about "Babylon 5" was that they let that sixties radical who used to run the White Panthers be the captain until he quit the show to sell M. C. Hammer albums. Oh, and I almost forgot, he was on that crappy Jim Henson show, "Dinosaurs". And Shari Lewis wrote a "Star Trek" episode. -- K. She didn't even give Lamb Chop credit for ghostwriting the stupid parts! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.culture.gard-trask From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Short Shameful confession. Was: Re: Troll???? I'm confused. Omi: "assjack" (September 4, 2000) Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 06:40:51 GMT References: <4c0r5.3090$V67.132588@newshog.newsread.com> <39B0F4AE.5CA1E45E@gt3.com> Organization: http://www.kibo.com Gardner S Trask III (gardtrask@gt3.com) wrote: > > True story time. > > Recently I ran for Town Meeting Member. (I won.) > > During the campaign I blasted a local Political Action Committee for > holding and advertised 'open' candidates night, but excluding certain > candidates. The local paper picked up the story (Danvers Herald, April 27, > 2000) and detailed the 'open invitation issue' It also quoted me, and then > tried to reach the PAC chairperson who said, and I quote the paper; > > "Reached for phone comment, Ruotolo said 'What a jerk'." > > There you have it friends and neighbors. I am 'officially' a jerk. No, you're just ALLEGEDLY a jerk. It's not like the newspaper actually CALLED you a jerk, they just said that one person or some people, possibly all people everywhere throughout the Universe, think you're a jerk. You won't have truly arrived until you get Congress to pass a resolution saying that you're a jerk. And trust me, that's harder than it looks! I even made fun of Senator Liberman's idiotic plan to create "dot-sex" on the Internet and he still hasn't called me a jerk, nitwit, a-hole, b-hole, assjack, peahead, pinbrain, nimrod, Potsie, twit, doofus, Goofus, megabozo, dweeb, weenie, weinie, weiner, wiener, cube-brain, lunkhead, lunkass, WebTV owner, dolt, dingus, or clod. He and the rest of Congress are just too busy mistakenly eulogizing Bob Hope once a month. I CAN'T EVEN GET BOB HOPE TO CALL ME A JERK! -- K. He did once call me up to complain that there were too many buttons on phones these days, then he said Maypo wasn't as good as it used to be because it's too crunchy now, and then he asked me if I thought Mamie Eisenhower would go out with him. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I ain't got time in my life for this... Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 07:05:30 GMT References: Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > [...on how everyone was once a newbie, even the legendarily cool Kibo...] > > Kibo has mentioned that his first .sig involved a big sword. > Used without irony of any kind. > > Or that's what he *wants* us to think. Hey! UNINTENTIONAL irony is a kind of irony! -- K. The big sword got smaller over the years. A REALLY NEAT .SIGNATURE FOLLOWS, PRESS "NO" IF YOU DONT WANT TO SEE IT !!!111 ^ L .SIGNATURE UNDER CONSTRUCTION....... LAST REVISED 5/12/1990 11:02:32 PM AND ALSO LAST REVISED 5/22/90 11:27:59 PM AND 8/22/1990 10:03:16 PM TOO AND 8/25/90 01:57:08 PM AND 11/11/90 12:35:53 AM <-- LAST TIME!! (WOW, FOUR 1'S IN A ROW!!!!) AND 7/8/91 2:06:03 AM <-- LATE NIGHT!! AND 9/6/91 2:51:26AM <--- LATER!!! AND 2/9/91^H^H92 4:25:43AM <--- WOW!!!! AND 7/8/92 1:58:59AM <-- CALL IT 2!!! AND 7/31/92 1:27:49AM <-- JUST FOR ONE NEW LINE!!!! NOT COUNTING THE ABOVE ONE OF COURSE!!!!!!!! AND 12:58:53 9/11/92 FOR ONE MORE!!! NOW IT'S DONE!!!! AND 9/25/92 1:24:33AM <-- AGAIN!!! AND 9.29.92 2L37L48AM AND 10/6/92 3:18:31AM <-- LATE BEDTIME HUH !!!! AND 3/8/93 2:23:38AM <--- LAST TIME REALLY!!!!! AND 4/5/94 9:00:58AM ! I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT FIXING ALL THE TYPOS !!!! AND 9/8/94 3:57AM FOR ONE LAST TYPO COPYRIGHT (C) COPYR.1988,1990,1989,1992,1993,1994 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED TODOS LOS DERECHOS RESERVADOS!!! THIS POSTING MAY NOT BE REPORDUCED IN ANY FORM WITHOUT MY WRITTEN PERMISSION OR SOLD FOR MONETARY FINANCIAL PROFIT. AND 6/13/92 3:45:26PM <-- FRI THE 13TH !!! & 5/5/94 4:52AM <-- CINCO DE MAY-O !!!! I WROTE IT ALL BY MYSELF BUT THANKS TO MARK AND JASON DOMINUS, AND TO MATHEW WHOSE LAST NAME I FORGOT!!! AND ALL THOSE AUSSIES NAMED "IAIN"!!! I DIDN'T MAKE ANY SPELLING ERRERS SO YOU CAN'T POST THIS SIGNATURE TO ALT.FAN.WARLORD!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ^L THIS IS YOUR BRAIN. ___ /(()\ \__\| THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON THE INTERNET. ___ +-----+ /(()\ | VAX | \__\|===+_____+ ^L ____ / \__ |\ / @ \ \ \_______| \ .:|> "Dogs aren't ALLOWED? WAAAAAAH!" \ ##| | \__/ | ####\__/ \ -- Spot / / ## \| / /__________\ \ "On Usenet nobody knows you're a god!" L_JJ \__JJ -- Jerry Garcia S C R A T C H A N D S N I F F to enjoy the aromatic aroma of beautiful downtown schenectady !!!! _____________________________________________________________________________ james "kibo" parry, at an undisclosed location in a major city (not schenectady. kibo@prodigy.ibm.COM _________________________________________________ kibo@world.COM@uunet.COM / Kibology / Anything I say is my opinion, kibo@world.BITNET@bitnet.COM is better! / and is the opposite of Xibo's. __________________________/_____________/_____________________________________ "All colors are arbitrary." --Carl Sagan / Bozos use anything but emacs! __________________________________________/___________________________________ Wacky, wild, Kibo style! / You're allowed. (Unless you don't want to be... ________________________/_ you are also allowed to not be allowed.) _________ I never said I wasn't a bozo. /____________________________________/_Hi mom!_ _____________________________/ Life is silly but should be taken seriously. Some days you / Klods * / TV is evil and should be destroyed. Really. just can't get / for /__________________________________________________ rid of a bomb. / klods / Moisten needle before inserting Taiwan. / 298R ______________/_________/__________________________________________/_________ * Note: "Klods for Klods" is the motto of Lego(tm) blocks in Lego's native Denmark, where they speak Danish. It means "Block by block". Neat, huh???? _____________________________________________________________________________ You're reading my .signature file. / COMMODORE 64S RULE THE WORLD !!!!!!!!! ___________________________________/_________________________________________ "I'm Bozo, the world's most famous clown!" -- the world's most famous clown _____________________________________________________________________________ M E N S A M E M B E R # 1 6 3 0 9 Look for the white pin _____________________________________________________________________________ I've read all of Kurt Vonnegut Junior's books and my favorite is "Breakfast Of Champions", my second favorite is "Chariots Of The Gods". I love them all. My other favorite author is Philip K. Dick who wrote "Do Androids Dream Of Sheep?", "Clams Of The Alphane Moon", "OBIK", "Man In The Castle", and "Total Recall"! Oh, and Stephen King is absolutely the best too! And Derrida! Read "The Fountain Head" by Ann Rand--it could change your career! _____________________________________________________________________________ If it doesn't say PURINA, / / Bart Simpson and Charlie bury it in the yard! / BYTE ME! / Brown are both GIRLS! ________________________/_____________________/______________________________ THIS ENTIRE MESSAGE IS COPYRIGHTED (C)1989/90 MCMLXXXIX/MCMLXL BY JAMES "KIBO" PARRY AND MAY NOT BE REPRODUCED, SOLD, READ, PRINTED, OR REPLIED TO WITHOUT MY EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION. HE IS SERIOUS AND WILL SUE YOUR PANTS OFF. _____________________________________________________________________________D || _______________________________________________________________________ ||I || || || ||S || ||------> I'M NOT BIFF !!!!!! HE'S NOT ME !!!!!!! <------|| ||C ++-++-------------------------------------------------------------------++-+|L || ||------> BIFF IS TOO OBNOXIOUS TO BE ME !!!!!!!! <------|| ||A || ||------> ALSO HIS .SIGNATURE IS LONGER !!!!!!!!! <------|| ||I || ||___________________________________________________________________|| ||M ||_________________________________________________________________________||E _____________________________________________________________________________R "BOZE NOSE BOOKS!" -- Bozo, The World's Most Famous Clown / QUAIL SUCKS __________________________________________________________/__________________ / Orwell was an optimist. / "There is infinite hope, but not for us." - Kafka ________________________/____________________________________________________ Join the Kibo Fan Club! Send lots of money to the address above, RIGHT NOW! _____________________________________________________________________________ All generalizations stink. / Kibology is *NOT* Satanism! / Ollie for prez ___________________________/_______________________________/_________________ DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY! / What's fahefergnugen? / QUAIL STILL SUCKS! ! ! _______________________/__________________________/__________________________ "The secret word is... SIL! Now you all know what to do whenever anybody says the secret word, right? SCREAM REAL LOUD!" -- Pee Wee Herman _____________________________________________________________________________ If I said anything to offend anyone in this message, I'm sorry and didn't mean to hurt your feelings. ________________________________________________ ____________________________/ "Losing our marbles for the last 23 years" I hope you're enjoying / I'm gonna be 24 soon! My birthday is July 13, reading this posting... / send presents! The day before Bastille Day! _________________________/___________________________________________________ If Lambada is the forbidden dance, why did they make a movie about it? _____________________________________________________________________________ Hi Tale@Rpi.Edu! / You are here X / What's Peewee Herman's favorite _________________/___________________/ baseball team? THE EXPOS! Garrison Keillor is my hero / (rec.humor.funny) ___________________________________/_________________________________________ "Beam me up Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!" -- STAR TREK _____________________________________________________________________________ "SIL!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" _____________________________________________________________________________ There's a mouse in my apartment right now while I'm typing this. Isn't that an incredible coincidence! Have you ever been using this bboard while a mouse was in your room. Now I have.........? _____________________________________________________________________________ Anyone who thinks anyone else should be shot should be shot; the NRA is a bunch of bozos just like the Democrats AND Republicans AND Williard Scott. Kill the Fascists and Communists and all the other nuts too. Kill 'em all! _____________________________________________________________________________ "I'm Batman!" -- BATMAN THE MOVIE / This space intentionally left blank. (THE BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD!!!!) / __________________________________/__________________________________________ Elvis lives. / "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay..." --MONTY PYTHON / Hug me _____________/_____________________________________________________/_________ Did I spell anything wrong? If so, please tell me so I can post a correction. _____________________________________________________________________________ |\ My favorite PostScript font is Chicago! Times Roman is just a cheap --- \ ripoff of the real New York. And you don't even have to be in Chicago ___ / to use Chicago! I printed my whole resume in 36pt Chicago Bold Shadow! __|/_________________________________________________________________________ | "Beauty and the Beast" may be cancelled, but it lives on forever in our | | hearts and minds and hearts! It will live forever even though it's dead!| |___________________________________________________________________________| Can I have a cookie? / The Kibology Center is a non-non-profit arm of the _____________________/ National Association for Kibological Awareness(NAKA). I'M 100% FLAMEPROOF /________________________________________________________ %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Harry Graber, age 11, is dying of a fatal disease which will eventually kill him. Before he dies, he would like to be in the "Guinness" Book of "Records" for receiving the most postcards in the mail. Please send him lots of postcards at the below address: Kibo, PO Box 722, Boston MA 02116-0722 (USA) Although he is very ill and only barely clinging to life, he gets thousands of postcards a day from people like you. He writes back, personally, to each and every single one. Amazingly, everyone who writes to Harry recieves a year of good luck afterwards! Mrs. Bertha Briggs of Poughkeepsie, NY recently wrote to Harry and then won the lottery the very next day--AND her dog was cured of cancer! Plus, if you write now, Harry will send you his miracle POSTCARD DIET which will allow you to lose 100 pounds a week! THIS IS NOT A SCAM! This service is FREE! Please enclose $14.95 for postage and handling. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% HANDY "TWIN PEEKS" CHART [murder]<-->[LAURA]<--/-->[Bob]<--["Bob"] | ^ | ^ This is fun to read even if you haven't v v v | seen the series. I like my chart, and [David [That FBI guy] ["J.R."] I've never seen the show! Lynch] ^ ^ / | | v [donuts] [Bobby in [the log lady]<->[flouridation]-->["Eraserheads"] = the shower] ^ ^ [sex] | | | /->[Monty Python's Flying Circles] v [bag [lumber- /->[Ted Bundy] ladies] jacks]<--["RoboJox"]<->[VW]<->[FOX]-->[Al&Peg Bundy] ^ | ^ \->[Children] | v | [the dog-faced boy]-->[Laura's<-/->[the Simpsons]<--[Life in Hell]<--[UseNet] evil twin] | v And remember, the name of the show is a breast metaphor. [alt.tv.twin.peeks] ^ ^ | ^ / | v | [Mike Douglas]=[Douglas firs]-->[breasts] [drumsticks] [rmgroups] /->[logs] | \______________________________________/ ^ v | [Albert]<--/-->[furry white rats]-->[green rats]-->[traffic [the log lady] ^ lights] (here too!) | [walk with fire me]---> ^ ^ [Layland]<-->[Pinky Lee] | | | [Herve Villachaise]<--[tattoos] ["Bob"] [Dilbert]-->[Dogbert] | | \ v v >[neckties]->[sexual arousal]<------>[e-meters]<-------[L. Ron Howard] _____________________________________________________________________________ My favroite sci-fi/fantasy short story is / VOTE NIXON / The SubGenius "The Eye of Argon" by L. Ron Hubbard! / IN 1992 / must wear slacks! _________________________________________/______________/____________________ Best Skeleton Joke Ever: "What do you call fish bones?" "Skele-tuna!" :-) _____________________________________________________________________________ I spell things the way I want, since William Safire is too wimpy to stop me! _____________________________________________________________________________ "The medium is the message!" -- Marshall Mike Luhan / I'm a lumberjack... _____________________________________________________/_______________________ I know the Green Golfball Joke! I'd post it here but BitNet doesn't allow R-rated jokes to be posted here so I won't post it! That's a violation of your unconstitutional rights and you should complain to your sysop! _____________________________________________________________________________ MY TETRIS HIGH SCORE ON MY NINTENDO IS 999,990 -- THAT'S A WORLD RECORD! I HAVE PHOTOS OF THE TV SCREEN TO PROVE IT! THEY DIDN'T COME OUT THOUGH. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- \\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\\\\\\\\\ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\ AMIGA ONLY! \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\\\\\\\\\ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\\\\\\\\\ ___ \\\\\\\\\\ /. .\ \\\\\\\\\\ |\_/| \\\\\\\\\\ \___/ \\\\\\\\\\ /####\ /######\ ### /##### /######\ \\\\\\\\\\ ## ## ## ## ## ### ## ## ## \\\\\\\\\\ ## ## ## ## ## ### ## ### ## ## \\\\\\\\\\ ////////###### ## ## ## ### ## ### ######## \\\\\\\\\\ //////// ## ## ## ## ## ### \##### ## ## \\\\\\\\\\ //////// \\\\\\\\\\ //////// /##### ### ### #####\ ### ### \\\\\\\\\//////// ## ## ## ## ## ## ## GRAFIX \\\\\\\//////// ## ### ## ## ######\ ## ## \\\\\//////// ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## WIZARD \\\//////// \##### \#######/ ## ## \#####/ _____________________________________________________________________________ _______________ | __ _ ____ / \ |\/\/\/| r | |\\ | | \ / ,__\ AIR SUPPLY | "Have a cow, |__ | @ @ | a | ||\\ | |_/ \ | _ _ | | man!" / | ' | d | || \\ | | \ \\ | | |\ |\ | \ / \_______________/ | \___/ i | ||__\\ \ \\ | | |/ |/ | | | | c d | ||___\\ \ \\ \_/ | | |__ | a u | || \\ \\__// | | | as seen on BART l d | \__/ FOX! SIMPSON e | THE MOST AWESOME HEAVY METAL BAND !!! _____________________________________|_______________________________________ ^L ^L # # #### # # # ##### ###### # # # ,, # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ##### # #\__/# # # ##### # # # # # # # # # # #### #### # # ###### ## # # #### # # ###### #### ## # # # # # oo # # # # # # ## # # # # # # # # ##### # # ## ###### # # #\__/# # ## # # # # ## # # # # # # ## ## # # # # # ###### ###### #### # # ###### #### ## HAVE A NICE DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PLEASE POST YOUR REPLIES TO THIS BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY NET ADDRESS IS! ALSO PLEASE CROSS-POST TO LOTS OF GROUPS SINCE IT MIGHT NOT BE A GROUP I READ! []---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[] This blank region of empty space is a hollow void that adds lines to the length of this .signature's physical size. I cant think of anything more to add! []---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[] ***** ___ ___ _________ * / \ / \ | _______ | * | V | | | * * | | HELP ME NAME MY * \ / | |_____| | APPLE SE/30 WITH * \ / | === | 40MB MEGABYTE DRIVE * \ / |_________| ***** v ||||||||| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- Aren't these cute? :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- I was the one who :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- invented them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |\ ---*-- | \ TED FRANK IS A VIRTUAL LAWYER!!! -""" \__| \ / : Qld : TAS \ / :........ \ ' SA : AA :.......*| x = Schenectady NY USA \ : * :NSW / \* :/""""""\`..x */ ----' VIC\ *`./ """" \"""/ NT\*/ Dan Quayle is Howdy Doody! (And Susan Sontag is the Bride of Frankenstein!) +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | S T O P C A S T I N G P O R O S I T Y | +____________________________________________________________________________+ Did you know that in German, Usenet bboards are called Gruppenareabrettecholistennetzs? ============================================================================= I've been to Cheers(TM) in downtown Boston and I have a T-Shirt that says Cheers(TM) and the official Cheers(TM) Plastic Souvenir Shopping Bag! Hey, is Ted Danson really as bald as they say? He couldn't be, his hair's fluffy, and wigs can't be fluffy! William Shatner wears a toupee though, I bet you didn't know that! I hope I never go bald. I'd lose my sex appeal. _____________________________________________________________________________ Fats Loves Madelyn. / Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." ___________________/_________________________________________________________ "We're like gerbils. We're in a cage running around and around." -- Tom Brokaw _____________________________________________________________________________ "OH WHAT A ZINGER!!!" -- CHRIS ELIOT / "Married With Children" is the best GET A LIFE / TV show ever! Ted is the greatest! _____________________________________/_______________________________________ Fly KLM! / Did you hear that PeeWee Herman was arrested for masterbating? __________/____ Really!______________________________________________________ Dana Hersey is Willie Whistle in addition to hosting The Movie Loft (channel 6) _____________________________________________________________________________ Read alt.exploding.kibo, the group about exploding kibo! / NO FATE ________________________________________________________/ I put microwave coffee in the Tater Twister and almost / KNOW FUTURE went back in time! -- Steven Wright (Emerson alumnus)/ _____________________________________________________/ NO DOGS ALLOWED "NOT!" -- WAYNE'S WORLD / "The Stevemeisterooski!" / ________________________/__________________________/_________POOR SPOT______ "If I had MY OWN NETWORK, it would be on ALL the TIME. It would be EDUCATIONAL, like COSMOS and NOVA, but not so DRY. It would best be seen on HIGH-definition TELEVISION. And every DAY we'd READ from the BOOK of CHER, because when you READ from the BOOK of CHER, it doesn't MATTER if you UNDERSTAND... it's the ACT that MATTERS. MY network would be METAphysical, paraNORMAL, and EXTRAORDINARILY ORDINARY. It would COMPEL you to RELAX and read `MADAME BOVARY', LOOK into the MOUTHS of VOLCANOES and LEARN to make RISOTTO... It would have a LINEAR BUILD and ARISTOTELIAN LINES... MY network would be both JARRING and AVANT-GARDE... with just a TOUCH of BRIAN DENNEHY. MY network would not promote WAR, WASTE, DOUBT or ANXIETY, and would pose the question... What was MICHELLE PFEIFFER doing in `Grease 2'?" -- Sean E. Coates, the "E!" poster child **************************(.signature continued)******************************* HOW MANY POSTS A DAY I MADE LAST WEEK *************************************************************************** * * * * * * * * * * ** W*T T*W*T T*WT ** * W*T*F M*T* *F * F M* *F M * * T* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * M * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * ** * M S*S SS S*S S*S * * * * * S * * ^Labor Day ^Sep 14 ^Sep 28 * * * * * * * * 240 -x- 280 0 -y- 15000*************************************************** WATCH MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 2000 ON THE COMEDY CHANNEL !!! ******************************************************************************* MY TEN FAVORITE QUOTES: Broad-mindedness, n.: The result of flattening high- mindedness out. There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion. All the good ones are taken. "Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks." Murphy was an optimist. Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. You are here ------> * But you're not all there. Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through any of its streets. Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. A clairvoyant is a person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so you won't have to watch commercials. Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy. The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants. The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. -- La Rouchefoucauld Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on his exam. Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich." -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. -- Voltaire The First Rule of Program Optimization: Don't do it. The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): Don't do it yet. -- Michael Jackson Goldenstern's Rules: (1) Always hire a rich attorney (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape at about 30 miles/second. -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming Peanut Blossoms 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour 8 eggs 4 tsp. soda 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot. Gyroscope, n.: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary. In fifteen minutes, everyone will be famous. -- Andy Warhol _______________________________________________________________________________ THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT II WAS EVEN MORE TERRIFYING THAN THE FIRST MOVIE EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T REAL LIKE THE FIRST ONE! PHILLY EX 2 IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER!!! .--------------. .---' o . `---. .-' . O . . `-. .-' @@@@@@ . `-. .'@@ @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ . `. .'@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ `. /@@@ o @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ O \ / @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @ @@@@@@@@@ @@ . \ /@ o @@@@@@@@@@@ . @@ @@@@@@@@@@@ @@ \ /@@@ . @@@@@@ o @ @@@@@.@@.@@@@ o @@@@ \ /@@@@@ @ . @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@ \ |@@@@@ O `.-./ . . @@@@\__/@@@@@ @@@ | / @@@@@ --`-' o @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@ . \ Full Moon + |@ @@@@ . @ @ ` @ @@ . @@@@@@ | 0 5:15:36 | @@ o @@ . @@@@@@ | Last Quarter - | . @ @ @ o @@ o @@@@@@. | 7 3:55:27 \ @ @ @ .-. @@@@ @@@ / | @ @ @ `-' . @@@@ . . | \ . o @ @@@@ . @@ . . / \ @@@ @@@@@@ . o / \ @@@@@ @@\@@ / O . / \ o @@@ \ \ / __ . . .--. / \ . . \.-.--- `--' / `. `-' . .' `. o / | ` O . .' `-. / | o .-' `-. . . .-' `---. . .---' `--------------' I AM NOT A BOZO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^L ____|||||/// / |||||//// TERMINATOR TWO: BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD !!!!!11 / __ || //// | L| : === "Hasta la vista, baby!" -- ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER | | __ : ___ =|= (a personal friend) | (_) :/__) | |/ | \| <--- THE TERMINATOR | .\ | \ \ \ : / I HOPE TERMINATOR THREE DOESN'T SUCK DEAD BUNNIES | HHH--- | THRU A STRAW LIKE BATMAN TWO !!!!!11 \____:___/ "THERE IS NO BATHROOM" -- MY PAL ARNOLD, KINDERGARTEN COP "HELP HELP! STAPLER MISFIRE!" -- DILBERT "THIS IS A CHAIN LETTER" ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::;;;;::::;:::::::::::::: My son Herbie, age 7, needs a computer for school and I can't afford one, would anyone like to give us one? It would be a tax deduction for you! Herbie wants a Mac IIfx with a Color PostScript printer. He needs this by next week! All the other kids in his class have them already!!! /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\/\/\ \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ STAR TREK RULEZ!!! ________^_______ ============= - - - - - - - - - \______ _____/\ / / - - - - - - - Write-in to Paramount V \ \_____/__/_ - - - - WHOOSH! - - - to keep them from killing Spock )|US ENTERPRISE/ - - - - - - - in their next movie!!!! |____________/ - - - - - - - - - - TOP TEN STAR TREK QUOTES 10) "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic." 9) "Dammit Jim!" 8) "Spit it out, man!" 7) "I kinna do it Captain, I have not th' power!" 6) "Where's the beef?" 5) "They're BORN pregnant!" 4) "His BRAIN is missing!" "Oh... you noticed." ** send mail if you want the rest ** Majel Barett was only on STAR TREK because she was married to William Shatner. The new STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION new series that they're making now is too full of Yuppie bozos. And the special effects are too good. SHATNER COULDN'T DIRECT HIS WAY OUT OF THE BATHROOM WITH BOTH HANDS AND A MAP! ------------------------------------=----------------------------------------- I have discovered a truly wonderful proof of Fermat's Last Theorem, but unfortunately this .signature is too small to contain it. -----------------------------------=---------------------------------------------- There exist no legitimate audio tapes of me admitting to being an alien, a government agent, a sexual pervert, or the camp-follower of little grey men from Zeta Reticuli. /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ I watch Nick at Nite all day! Xibo watches stupid soap operas! /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ MY .SIGNATURE IS MORE POSTMODERN THAN YOURS! (It's even autographed by William S. Burroughs. See--->?) / \/\/. \. Burroughs / I wish he hadn't stopped writing those Tarzan books though!!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I have an out-of-date copy of each of the following MTS manuals: Vol. 1, 2, 5, 7, 11, 14, 15, 16, and 24. If you want a copy, I'm selling 'em, $1 each. I also have lots of plastic bags for five cents each! /\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\ _________ / \ | | \__\ /__/ --| |-- -| |- /| |\ /////\\\\\\ NUKE THE DAMN BUNNY ALREADY!!!! | _ \ / UU __ ==/ \ /\__o | *|__\__/ /_ \_ "boomp boomp boomp boomp boomp..." "BOOM!!!!!!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ***** ***** ***** **************** ****************** ***** ***** ***** ***************** ******************** ***** ***** ***** ****************** ********************** ***** ***** ***** ***** ****** ****** ****** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** My ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** name ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** is ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** short ***** *************** ***** *************** ***** 'cause ***** **************** ***** **************** ***** it's ***** ***************** ***** ***************** ***** only ***** ***** ****** ***** ***** ****** ***** four ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** letters! ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ****** ****** ****** ***** ***** ***** ****************** ********************** ***** ***** ***** ***************** ******************** ***** ***** ***** **************** ****************** AND THIS IS THE PART OF THE .SIG THAT BROKE MIKE JITTLOV'S AMIGA!!! V guvax guvf dhbgr ol Qnir Oneel, zl snibevgr jevgre, rkcynvaf jul V bsgra jrne zl haqrejrne ba zl urnq jura V tb gb jbex: Nyy lbh unir gb qb gb frr gur npphenpl bs zl gurfvf vf ybbx nebhaq lbh. Ybbx, va cnegvphyne, ng gur crbcyr jub, yvxr lbh, ner znxvat nirentr vapbzrf sbe qbvat nirentr wbof -- onax ivpr cerfvqragf, vafhenapr fnyrfzna, nhqvgbef, frpergnevrf bs qrsrafr -- naq lbh'yy ernyvmr gurl nyy qerff gur fnzr jnl, rffragvnyyl gur jnl gur znaardhvaf va gur Frnef zrafjrne qrcnegzrag qerff. Abj ybbx ng gur erny fhpprffrf, gur crbcyr jub znxr n ybg zber zbarl guna lbh -- Rygba Wbua, Pncgnva Xnatnebb, nalobql sebz Fnhqv Nenovn, Ovt Oveq, naq fb ba. Gurl nyy qerff shaal -- naq gurl nyy fhpprrq. Ner lbh pngpuvat ba? -- Qnir Oneel, "Ubj gb Qerff sbe Erny Fhpprff" TO DECODE THE FUNNIST JOKE IN THE UNIVERSE JUST PIPE THAT THROUGH "UUDECODE(1)" _____________________________________________________________________________ R-RATED GIF FOLLOWS, PRESS N NOW! ^L O (.|.) ).( TIFFANY BRISSETE HAS A GREAT BOD! WOO WOO!!!! HUBBA HUBBA! YOW! ( | ) \|/ ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. _____________________________________________________________________________ "100% gist-free!" -- Amy S. Brockman on Kibo's .signature. Compliment... or CONSPIRACY? ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// My favorite painters are Pollock, Rothko, Warhol, Dali', Miro', Tanguy, Rockwell, Warhol, and myself. I'm almost as good as Dali' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My least favorite musical composer is Salieri, since he was a bozo. ____________________ / \ / \ ^______________/ __ __ \______________^ \ | / \ / \ | / \ | | o | | o | | / \ | \__/__ \__/ | / \ | / \ | / \ | \__/ | / BO- \____| __________ |____/ -ZO | / ________ \ | \ | / ______ \ | / \ |/_/ \_\| / \____________________/ | | \ | / \----+-----/ | | | /\ / \ / \ _____________/ \____________ (clown shoes) ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Ich bin ein .signature Virus. Mach' mit und kopiere mich in Deine .signature. Don't ask what it means, just put it in your .signature, okay? _____________________________________________________________________________ THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN THIS POSTING ARE SOLELY THE AUTHORS' AND DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THOSE OF DIGITAL EQUIPMENT CORPORATION, RENSSELAER POLY- POLYTECHNIC INSTITUTE, PENN STATE, IBM, NASA, HARVARD UNIVERSITY, SCIENTOLOGY, ATARI CORP., STANFORD UNIVERSITY, BITNET INC., SOFTWARE TOOL & DIE, INFOCOM, PRODIGY, RALSTON PURINA INC., JAPAN, LYNDON LaROUCHE, THE SYSOP OF USENET, GEORGE BUSH, THE LONDON TIMES, ORACLE CORPORATION, WILLIE WHISTLE, STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATION, THE HOME SHOPPING CLUB, THE HAIR CHANNEL FOR MEN, OR THE CITY OF NEW YORK. HOWEVER YOU CAN'T SUE ME FOR SAYING ANY OF THIS BECAUSE IF YOU SUE ME YOU'D HAVE TO QUOTE ME IN COURT AND THEN I'D SUE YOU FOR QUOTING THIS COPYRIGHTED (C) MESSAGE!!! MY COUSINS ARE ALL LAWYERS !!!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ****************************************************************************** * NEW drawing! * * of a RADIK00L sword thats even BIGGER then the USS ENTERPRISE wow! * * * * ___ * * /\/ / ====@==== ///////// --------- * / _/ ``________// * * / / `------' ------------- * / / * * __===__ / / * */ \/----+---------------------------------------\______ * *| | XCALIBER THE DECAPITATER!!!! \______________* *| | /~~~~~~~~ * *\__====_/\---+----------------------------------------/~~~~~~ * * \ \ * * \ \ * * \ \ * * \ \_ * * \ \ NOTE: This isnt a hyperdermic needel !!!!!! * * \ \ * * \/\_\ * * ITS SO GOOD I FRAMED IT !!!!* ****************************************************************************** aibophobia (ay' bo fo beeya): n. The fear of palindromes. kibophobia (ki' bo fo beeya): n. The fear of Kibo. kibophobik (ki' bo fo bik): n. The fear of Kibo's palindromes. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'M STILL 100% FLAMEPROOF! / I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP! / HI MARK! ____________________________/____________________________________/___________ If you type "rm *" right now I'll give you a million dollars!!! _____________________________________________________________________________ Arsenio Hall is the black Johnny Carson but Byron Allen is the black Pat Sajak! But at least Byron Allen is funnier than Skip Stephenson or John Barbour! Conan O'Brien sucks because he has big hair and Monty Python isn't funny because it doesn't make any sense!!! JAY LENO ROCKS!!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- IBM's "AIX" operating system is better than "real" "UNIX" systems because "AIX" has "man" pages that show "pictures" of each "command"! Here's an "example", isn't this "cute"? RM, DELETE(1,C) AIX Commands Reference RM, DELETE(1,C) PURPOSE Removes files or directories. SYNTAX one of +--------+ +------------+ | rm |---| +----+ |--- file ---| | delete | +---| -f |---+ ^ | +--------+ ^ | -i | | +--------+ | | -r | | | | -- | | | | -s | | | +----+ | +--------+ ____________________________________________________ \o clip and save _______ /O <--those are scissors .------------ .--' o . . `-- .-' . O . . ` .-'@ @@@@@@@ . @@@@@ /@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ .<--- Crater Parry -- I paid $15 for it ./ o @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ at the Boston Science Museum! /@@ o @@@@@@@@@@@. @@@@@@@ O /@@@@ . @@@@@@@o @@@@@@@@@@ @ |@@@@@ . @@@@@@@@@@@@@ o @@ /@@@@@ O `.-./ . @@@@@@@@@@@@ @ Full Moon + | @@@@ --`-' o @@@@@@@@ @@@@ 2 17:08:58 |@ @@@ ` o . @@ . @@@@@@ Last Quarter - | @@ @ .-. @@@ @@@@@@ 4 16:02:05 \ . @ @@@ `-' . @@@@ @@@@ | @@ @@@@@ . @@ . \ @@@@ @\@@ / . O . o \ o @@ \ \ / . . `\ . .\.-.___ . . .- \ `-' `- `-. o / | o O . `-. / . . . `--. . .-- `------------ If this posting offends you, then you're a WEENERBRAIN!!! @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@@@@ @@@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ .....Dedicated to the memory of DeForest Kelley..... @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ -------\__/ | * / |_____-/ BOSTON, MASSACHUSSETTS <-- SITE OF WORLD.COM PUBLIC ACCESS UNIX ONLY A DOLLAR A MINUTE PLUS CONNECT TIME! AND NO I DON'T KNOW MICHAEL DUKAKIS PERSONALLY! ^L 12345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890XXXXX DON'T GO INTO THE X'S !!!!! ^L ^L ^L ^D ^D ^D . exit stop bye ^C ^Z !sh !ed /exit quit q /quit ~x help help stop !help logout $signoff write sysop "how do i stop this ???" psot post ^P^O^S^T this line intentionally left blank so that the following line will be #350. THIS IS THE THREE HUNDRED FIFTIETH LINE OF MY .SIGNATURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the edn P.S.: ---------- From mathew@mantis.co.uk Tue Jul 2 11:28:05 1991 To: James 'Kibo' Parry Subject: Re: Call for creation of alt.evolutionary.acceleration From: Industrial Poet Comments: Civilization is a momentary failure of entropy Date: Tue, 02 Jul 91 10:55:39 BST Organization: Mantis Consultants, Cambridge. UK. Might I suggest adding the following quote to your .signature: "It seems like it's time to retire the length-of-sig-wasted-bandwidth flame. The point really is, News is BIG and .signatures, even long ones, are small." - Mark-Jason Dominus mathew ---------- -- -- From stev0@sti.com Sat May 9 01:19:46 1992 Date: Fri, 8 May 92 22:19:07 PDT From: stev0@sti.com (Steve Berlin) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: your .sig Hi there. Thanks for your nifty .sig. I already got a copy from alt.fan.warlord, but with such a wonderful work of art, you can never have too many copies, can you? Well, of course you can! I mean, "Mona Lisa" is a damn good painting, but am I going to hang it in every room in my apartment? No! But I digress. Anyway, to make your .sig a bit more "user-friendly", here is an index for it. The numbers, of course, refer to line numbers. I'll let someone ELSE do a table of contents. Suggestions for index: 1) Append it to the end of the .sig 2) Include it as a seperate file 3) Just delete the damn thing, log off, and watch Ren and Stimpy or (my favorite): append it to the end of your sig, THEN log off and watch Ren and Stimpy. - Stev0 13, Rot - 610-623 Address - 55-58 Autograph, Burroughs, William S. - 527-533 Child, Dying - 155-174 Copyright - 86-88 Credits - 19,20 Dedication - 781-783 Disclaimers - 22-25, 89-98, 142, 153, 216, 276, 474, 677-686, 772, 790 Drawings, ASCII: Bozo - 644-670 Brain - 28-37 Bunny, Energizer, Being Nuked - 540-556 Check, Amiga - 223-243 Dog - 40-48 Enterprise - 501-506, 692-695 Simpson, Bart, Minimalist - 245-253 Sword - 692-709 Terminator - 478-489 unknown (command flow?) 736-744 unknown (computer?) 293-300 End, The - 775-780, 831 Favorites: Author - 77-81 Font - 144-146 Heavy Metal Band - 245-253 Movie - 137-138 Movie - 478-489 Painters - 641-643 Quotes - 388-440 Quotes, Star Trek - 507-511 SF Short Story - 207-208 Skeleton Joke - 210 Feh, Fee Fi Fo - 638 Font, BUA - 257-273 Font, Biggest UA - 559-609 GIF, R-Rated - 626-635 History - 2-16 Line 350 - 828 Manuals, MTS - 535-537 Map, Australia - 308-320 Map, Massachusetts - 785-788 Map, Moon 442-473, 748-771 Network, Sean Coates' - 350-362 Peeks, Twin - 176-205 Phobias - 712-716 Posts Made, Number of - 364-386 Quitting Attempts - 794-825 Quotes, Random - 57-75, 83, 84, 99-135, 140-152, 212-214, 321-348, 490-497, 514-525, 723-734 Scissors - 745-746 Score, Tetris - 220 Smilies - 303-305 Space, Blank - 280-291 Virus, .Sig, German - 672-674 ==== GEEK CODE: +++ ++ - ++++ - --- --- - + - +++ -- ++++ -- + --- + +++++ +++ - ++ nil nil nil Alt.alien.visitors elected me OFFICIAL Spokesman For The Planet Earth! --------- In article <13bvonINN6il@darkstar.UCSC.EDU> carolo@cse.ucsc.edu signed: >-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= >Carol Osterbrock * Life is too short for 4 line .sigs >carolo@cse.ucsc.edu * -- well, if Kibo didn't say it, he should have >============================================================================== ---------- UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED. RMS told me to plug the League For Programmed Freedom in my .signature so I did. Join the LPF! RMS is cool. SEE BATMAN 2 !!!! -- I HAVE A BLACK BELT ! IN NUCLEAR PHYSICS -- ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I ain't got time in my life for this... Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 07:18:19 GMT References: <20000830200625.15199.00001592@ng-fv1.aol.com> <5uur5.573$Ld.10759@newscontent-01.sprint.ca> <8on01k$dei$1@slb1.atl.mindspring.net> Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > "Mikal 606" (mikal606@ix.netcom.com) wrote: > > > > Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > > > > > [...on time she spent spying on us before introducing herself politely...] > > > > > > I took a lot of time to do a whole bunch of homework on everyone. > > > > Then tell me why this is called the UNITY MATRIX > > > > 1 . . > > > > I = . 1 . > > > > . . 1 > > You forgot the Iguana iguana powersurgius. > > If you move the mouse pointer around really > quickly, you can make it fly right off the flagpole and > drift away, just like Dr. Gil Amelio. > > > > > I = 1 . > . > . 1 > . > . . > 1 I always liked how you could make the detachable flag drift deep into the ground without it being obscured by the ground. Things in the real world should be like that. "Damn it! I can't get any sleep, because I can see that glowing drive-in movie screen half a mile away -- if only there weren't several buildings in front of it to make it visible! I hate this crazy mixed-up world in which things are only occluded if they have nothing in front of them! Oh well, time to glue a packet of whiskers to my face so my body can absorb them before I go stalk Captain Kangaroo!" But then the producers of "Home Improvement" sued Apple over that flag and they had to replace it with a different secret suprise. I hear that the new one is that there is some page somewhere on www.mac.com that says that Steve Jobs has fleas. -- K. Its address is http://homepage.mac.com/kibo/steve-jobs-has-fleas.html and it only violates about 43 of the rules in Apple's Terms Of Service, which make Walt Disney look more relaxed than Tommy Chong getting Jerry Lewis's prescription by mistake. P.S. I'll explain how Tom Arnold got into this article for $3. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: The most important real news story ever! Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 08:45:36 GMT References: Organization: http://www.kibo.com According to l'AFP: > > Subject: "Posh Spice" has meningitis: British newspaper > > LONDON, Sept 2 (AFP) - Victoria Beckham, one half of Britain's > best-known celebrity couple, has been struck down with the > meningitis bug, a British newspaper reported on Saturday. > The singer "Posh Spice" has contracted viral meningitis -- less > serious than the potentially fatal bacterial form of the illness -- > the tabloid Mirror newspaper said. > The viral form of the illness can cause fever, vomiting, > headache and diarrhoea. Beckham is resting at home, the newspaper said. STOP THE PRESSES! ONE OF THE SPICE GIRLS MIGHT HAVE DIARRHEA! OH, FORGET ABOUT COVERING AMERICA DROPPING BOMBS ON IRAQ, WE NEED TO DEVOTE MORE SPACE TO THE BATHROOM HABITS OF ONE OR MORE SPICE GIRLS! GOSH I HOPE IT'S NOT THE TALENTED ONE!!! > [...] > > Beckham recently suffered the indignity of having her first solo > record miss out on the number one spot in the British music charts. OH NO! AND DIARRHEA TOO! > She and her husband were this week in court seeking an injuction > to prevent their former bodyguard revealing details about their > private life in a forthcoming book. YEAH! LIKE ANYONE WOULD WANT TO KNOW PERSONAL DETAILS ABOUT A WOMAN WHO HAS DIARRHEA! > The celebrity couple reached an out-of-court settlement with the > book's publishers. I'M GOING TO KEEP TYPING IN CAPITALS UNTIL THE QUESTION OF WHETHER OR NOT A SPICE GIRL MIGHT HAVE DIARRHEA IS RESOLVED! -- K. I always thought of the Spice Girls as being immune to diarrhea because they were _carriers_. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The most important real news story ever! Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 04:27:14 GMT References: <43s9rsk14sq18q34ak83ttvaq7v248sf61@4ax.com> Organization: http://www.kibo.com Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I always thought of the Spice Girls as being immune to diarrhea because > > they were _carriers_. > > TRUE STORY: > In Seldovia, Alaska, we saw a sign over the only jukebox in town saying > DO NOT PLAY #107 YOU WILL BE WASTING YOUR MONEY I WILL PULL THE PLUG > and I was very proud of myself when I saw that it was that "Wanna Be" > song that I had only heard references to and never actually heard yet. The ironic thing is that it actually sounds like a plug being pulled out of the wall followed by several minutes of silence, punctuated by the sound of gross slobs belching while sled dogs bark outside. (I am assuming the only juke box in town was at a truck-stop diner, because you wouldn't put the only juke box in town in the public library, not even in a town like Seldovia, Alaska.) -- K. A true Kibologist would have put some money in and picked #107 after stripping away the electrical insulation from the cord. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Zimbabwe war veteran leader accepts govt apology for crackdown Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 08:55:09 GMT References: Organization: http://www.kibo.com l'AFP floated this onto their little wire service: > > HARARE, Aug 25 (AFP) - The leader of Zimbabwe's militant war > veterans, who have led the forcible invasions of 1,600 white-owned > farms, said Friday he accepted the government's apology for a > short-lived crackdown on his supporters. > "We accept the government apology whole heartedly and accept the > fact that people who lost property are going to be fully > compensated," Chenjerai "Hitler" Hunzvi told the state-run ZIANA > news agency. Yeah, the government should be ashamed that they called Chenjerai "Hitler" Hunzvi worse than Hitler. -- K. The big question is, when Adolf Hitler was new, who did they say he was worse than? Kaiser Wilhelm? Attila the Hun? Bob Hope? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Mmm, Onion Bacon. Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000 09:31:49 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Okay, I have a package of little cookies from Taiwan here. The only English on the front of the package says "ONION BACON". And there's a picture of a big plate of wadded-up, bright red stips of bacon with one or two white rings of onion on top, plus some parsley. Inset in a little rectangle is a picture of the cookies, which are squares appearing to be common sugar wafers (the styrofoamy ones sold at drugstores in pink, yellow, and brown). I have no clue whether these will be sweet cookies or salty crackers or both, I just know that they want me to think they have bacon in them, and so I bought them even though they don't ACTUALLY have any bacon in them -- I'd rather eat imaginary bacon than eat something without bacon. INGREDIENTS: Vegetable oil, Flour, Whey powder, Lactose, Maltodextrine, Flavours, Dry onion, Lecithin, Salt, Taste blenders, Soybean powder, Sodium bicarbonate (leavening agent) And the answer is... "Taste blenders." And the question, which has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar, is... "How do stupid people get their tongues shredded?" HI-YO!!! (Sorry, Johnny Carson was just on my TV making fun of Billy Carter. Apparently Jerry Lewis is new raising money for his telethon by showing us 25-year-old topical monologues by other comedians.) So, what ARE "taste blenders"? Some sort of powerful acid where they don't have to stir the other ingredients together because they all dissolve and then congeal into a uniform gel which tastes like crispy bacon? I'm opening the package now... Well, these cookies do smell like Bac*Os. (Bac*Os have an asterisk in their name to indicate they're artificial, like the laugh track in M*A*S*H.) In other words, they smell like liquid smoke. The taste is... kind of bacony... kind of greasy... kind of plywoody. But the texture... is alternating layers of crispy wafer cookie... with slimy lard layers in between the shattery crisp laminae. Imagine if you bought a package of sugar wafers (50 cents per pound) from your local drugstore, separated the layers, rinsed away all the interstitial frosting with a powerful acid, and then spread the contents of your kitchen's old coffee can full of congealed bacon pan drippings from last month on the wafers before reassembling them. Oh, and also, you have to have only cooked ARTIFICIAL bacon in your frying pan for the past month. These aren't terrible, but as bacon-flavored cookies go, they could be better. They're not as good as those beef-flavored elephant's-ear cookies I keep buying which taste like beef soup with a cookie crunch. (Those also come in squid flavor, which I don't buy. I seldom buy things that have wacky smiling cartoon cephalopods on the package.) -- K. This lard-based candy is made on the same machine as Moishe's Glatt Kosher Celery Chews and Anton LaVey's Satanic Swirls. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Mmm, Onion Bacon. Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 11:04:28 GMT References: <1egia7s.1kimdg91nomocaN@m-dialin-307.addcom.de> Organization: http://www.kibo.com Marc Etienne Lachance (lachance@addcom.de) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, I have a package of little cookies from Taiwan here. > > > > The only English on the front of the package says "ONION BACON". > > Sounds like the sort of snack I see all the time here in Germany. Waah! I hate you because you're in Germany and I'm not and the Wusthaus went out of business. Make some of Germany move to the United States so I can buy stuff. I demand that Germany invade North America so I can get better schnitzel! Wiener or otherwise! > The wwird thing is, cheap American-style bacon is even more expensive > than gourmet Tyrolean mountain-cured ham. Bac*Os are non-existant. > > (Sigh...) Go figger. Don't worry about the Bac*Os. Here's how to make your own: 1.) Go to the pet store. 2.) Go to the aquarium aisle. 3.) Go to the aquarium gravel shelf. 4.) Rip open a bag of fluorescent magenta gravel. 5.) Dump it into your mouth. 6.) While smoking a cigar filled with smelly hickory wood shavings. 7.) Break all your teeth eating smoky pink gravel. 8.) The End. Although Bac*Os have been improved a few times since their introduction moments after World War II (like all the worst elements of American pop culture -- "Yay! We won the war! Now we can act like idiots because we can kick the butt of any country that thinks their culture is better than ours!") the basic concept has never changed -- large, sharp-edged crystals of some sort of smoke-flavored igneous rock. They have little in common with ordinary fake bacon bits made out of textured soy protein -- Bac*Os seem as if they TRIED to eliminate all texture, they are solidly compressed masses of material harder than the average rock candy. And they are a pink color which more resembles Barbie's favorite color of dried Play-Doh than any organic substance. Bac*Os are The Color From Out Of Space. Next month Steve Jobs will introduce a Bac*O-colored iMac. Relatively recently (about ten years ago) they expanded the product line to include "Bac*Os Bits", which are smaller and fluffier and browner and generally more like the ordinary fake bacon bits enjoyed at lousy salad bars everywhere. The original tooth-shattering Bac*Os are now called "Bac*Os Chips", and are still flat and polygonal and gamma rays still bounce off them. They still taste like bone fragments soaked in smoky liquid carcinogens. Bac*Os are to bacon as lemon Pez are to lemon meringue pie. (I know which two of those four I'd be willing to get hit in the face with.) -- K. Bac*Os are only third on the list of All Things In The Universe Sorted By How Much Unlike Bacon They Are. The worst fake bacon I know would be either the Beggin' Strips ("Dogs don't know it's not bacon!") which taste like molasses-soaked cardboard, or the vegetarian bacon made from soy protein and dairy whey which went rancid in my fridge before I tried to taste it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I heart Unlambda Date: Tue, 5 Sep 2000 03:05:12 GMT References: <_byp5.520595$MB.7907292@news6.giganews.com> <8F9E5B909dontreadthis@130.102.2.1> <8F9FCD2E2doidyhead@209.30.0.14> <8FA0313B3browse0tron@209.155.56.81> <8FA057E13doidyhead@209.30.0.14> <8oj6h1$99p$1@unlnews.unl.edu> <8FA4AC315ktakki@216.206.190.193> Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > When I was about five years old, I saw letters being used as variables > somewhere. It wasn't in a computer programming context, since the notion > of a programming language, while familiar to specialists (such as my dad), > had not yet entered the public vernacular by that time. Somebody was > talking about algebra on TV or somewhere, and used the letter X to represent > a number. > > I asked my mother what number X was. > > MOM: Well, suppose you write 2 + 2 = X. > > MATT: Yeah? Well, what is the X? > > MOM: Well, 2 and 2 make 4, so then X has to be 4. > > MATT: Oh, so when people say X it just means 4. > > MOM: No, not necessarily. > > MATT: But you said it was 4! > > No matter how she explained it, I remained confused, which I guess is some > sort of validation of Piaget. If you were smarter you would've said "But if X is four... why is there still '4'? And if people evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys, and why can't I have a pet monkey? I promise he wouldn't bite you much. Plus can you raise my allowance by X?" For those who don't know, here are the four stages Piaget identified in every toddler's intellectual development: 1. Learning that milk in a tall glass is better than milk in a wide glass because it's easier to spill. 2. Learning that "encore presentation of a classic episode" means "rerun". 3. Learning that blue raspberry and red raspberry come from the same fruit, which doesn't exist. 4. Learning that the square peg does too fit into the round hole if you apply a sufficient amount of plastic explosive. -- K. MOMMY, I MADE A KA-BOOM-BOOM! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Puzzling commercial #20000904a. Date: Tue, 5 Sep 2000 03:39:25 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com This is a local commercial which has been saturating the airwaves near Boston. (Bad commercial? You're soaking in it!) They show a sad-looking donkey (as in the ass kind) chewing on a doorknob. The announcer yells: "KRAMER THE MAGICAL DONKEY OPENS THE DOOR TO HUGE TOYOTA SAVINGS!" and then they cut to some guy selling cars. I think we can all envision the creative meeting that produced this ad: "Hey, one of our customers has a brother who knows a friend of this guy who knows how to train a donkey to eat peanut butter if we smear some on a doorknob." "Would that be cheaper than hiring an ad agency?" "Of course!" "Wait, I just realized that donkeys chewing on doorknobs have nothing whatsoever to do with making people want to buy Japanese cars... Unless... it's some kind of... MAGICAL DONKEY!" "It makes perfect sense! And know what I like about it? It's BELIEVABLE!" "So, let's get started... BRING ME THE ASS!" -- K. Anxiously awaiting to see the Jordan's Furniture guys make fun of Kramer, The Non-Sequitur Donkey. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Puzzling commercial #20000904a. Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 04:20:23 GMT References: <39b51945.72658074@news.sprint.ca> Organization: http://www.kibo.com Steve Lord (slord@wpi.edu) wrote: > > Darla VladsChyk (Darla4695@sprint.delete.ca) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Anxiously awaiting to see the Jordan's Furniture guys make fun > > > of Kramer, The Non-Sequitur Donkey. > > > > Is there some way you could arrange for these Jordan guys to be blowed > > up real good? Or at least not be on tee vee anymore? > > They're not that bad. They don't need to be blowed up as much as anyone > involved in any way with those stupid Old Navy commercials. Hi Steve! How are things over there in Wensselaer? The Jordan's commercials where they aren't parodying anything in particular (e.g. the one where they show the open field for a while and then one of them asks the other what the point was) are uninteresting, but at least not as obnoxious as most other commercials. The ones where they put an amazing amount of effort into doing beautiful pastiches of other people's commercials that we're sick of (that VW one where everything happens in time to the music, the Blue Man group ads, the one with Jonathan Pryce's stunt double doing the backflip, and the ones where "they're doing that ball-bearing thing" have all been inspirations for some incredible pastiches) and frankly I'd rather see a hundred parodies of a Blue Man Group commercial than see another Blue Man Group commercial. Barry and Eliot Tatelman are now major celebrities in the Boston area, to the point where they're now doing commercials for _other_ people (they have one where they plug Blue Cross, while mostly talking about how well-known they are.) The commercials where Barry and Eliot just talk into the camera about how they're super-big celebrities now are EXCRUCIATING, much like the ones they did years ago before getting clever where they just showed people screaming "WOO! AWESOME!" because they had just ridden M.O.M. (Motion Odyssey Movie) in the parking lot of one of their stores. (Yes, that used to be their big draw. They had a virtual-reality ridefilm outside one of their stores.) But their commercial parodies are still great fun. Those of you in the other parts of the country (if there are any others that matter besides the northeast) don't get to see Barry and Eliot mimicking Blue Man group acting silly, or driving through the furniture store as people scratch themselves in time to techno music, or rolling ball bearings along the grooves in their sofas. I wrote them a letter asking them to please make fun of that local Toyota dealer's commercial with Kramer, The Irrelevant Donkey, and I'll let you guys know if they write back. Unless of course they're too big to answer their mail now that they're almost as famous as I am. Incidentally, their furniture company was just purchased by a much bigger company, so their Web site is closed for renovations. It says (in boldface), "Furniture pictures are not available at this time." Waah! They took away the furniture porn! -- K. Anyone else remember the NYNEX "Furniture Stripping" commercial? If so, we could segue into a discussion of their "Spot Welding" subway ad, and then I could talk about that one they were never allowed to show on TV. (And yes, NYNEX was an acronym, except for the X. The X was just in there to make it sexy, like the naked furniture.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Puzzling commercial #20000904a. Date: Fri, 8 Sep 2000 04:55:34 GMT References: <39b51945.72658074@news.sprint.ca> Organization: http://www.kibo.com Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph@pcisys.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Anyone else remember the NYNEX "Furniture Stripping" commercial? > > If so, we could segue into a discussion of their "Spot Welding" > > subway ad, and then I could talk about that one they were never > > allowed to show on TV. > > Hmm, I remember "Furniture Stripping", "Conducting Shoes", and "Civil > Engineers", but "Spot Welding" is one that I'd like to hear about. It was just a puppy with a blowtorch. Nothing you don't see every day. He didn't have the flame adjusted correctly. That RUINED it for me. Now, the one they were never allowed to show on TV... Guy is mixing paint a little at a time from several cans, obviously working really hard to get just the right shade of pink. Then he drinks it. "INTERIOR DECORATING" The TV networks refused to show anything which would encourage kids to drink paint so instead they just showed a TV-movie with Robert Hays and Richard Moll shooting each other in the face with paintball guns at pointblank range while not wearing any safety equipment or even an adequate amount of makeup. YAY! IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE A BALL OF PAINT COULD EXPLODE INSIDE SOMEONE'S EYEBALL! -- K. The title was "No Dessert, Dad, 'Til You Mow The Lawn," and it was so apallingly anti-funny that it reminded me of "Baby Geniuses" even though "Baby Geniuses" hadn't been made yet! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Puzzling commercial #20000904a. Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 11:44:44 GMT References: <39b51945.72658074@news.sprint.ca> Organization: http://www.kibo.com Darla VladsChyk (Darla4695@sprint.delete.ca) wrote: > > > > Is there some way you could arrange for these Jordan guys to be blowed > > up real good? Or at least not be on tee vee anymore? To which I replied: > > I wrote them a letter asking them to please make fun of that local > Toyota dealer's commercial with Kramer, The Irrelevant Donkey, and > I'll let you guys know if they write back. Unless of course they're > too big to answer their mail now that they're almost as famous as I am. Yay! One of their people wrote back to me at 6:50 A.M. Nice to see that they run a tight ship. ("We send out more E-mail before 9 A.M. than most people send out all day.") She said, -> Dear James: > -> -> Thank you for your commercial idea.Ê I will -> forward it to the appropriate person. (The use of "->" at the beginning of a line to indicate quoting from an external source is mine. The use of ">" at the end of random lines is Jordan's house style.) So, anyway, my idea is being forwarded to "the appropriate person". Know what that means? All we have to do is figure out which of the two guys it is, and then we'll know which one of them is the brains of the furniture store and which of them is just a fake brother hired to look handsome in TV commercials! While poking around the Web doing research into this important matter, I stumbled across a page listing a group of people's picks for a "dead pool", that charming Internet game where you bet on which celebrities will die this year. For 2000, more people have picked Bob Hope than Charles Schulz, Pope John Paul II, Boris Yeltsin, or anyone else (as indicated by the number of players' initials after his name) but one guy actually voted for Eliot Tatelman to kick the bucket by the end of 2000. And the eerie thing about this is that the guy who wants Eliot Tatelman to die... has the initials... "AP". Remmeber the "movie" Archie Plutonium posted (a whole two pages long) where the government assigned him to follow me around on his bicycle so he could shoot me with a sniper rifle? I have a hunch Archie's rewritten it to target one of the harmless furniture duo. I have no idea why. Maybe it has something to do with his theory that hard chairs make it harder for him to win a Nobel Prize. So, Darla, don't wish too hard for the two of them to get blown up, or Archie might start stalking the other Tatelman brother, and I don't want either of them to die, especially not whichever one my E-mail's been forwarded to! Barry, Eliot, if you're reading this, WATCH OUT FOR CRAZY PEOPLE WHO ARE HOLDING A RIFLE IN ONE HAND AND A CUP OF MICROWAVED SPAGHETTI IN THE OTHER. And if he takes a shot at Eliot, Barry should throw himself in front of the bullet, because that way some sicko won't make ten bucks off the tragedy. IT IS OKAY TO COMPLAIN ABOUT CERTAIN COMMERCIALS. IT IS NOT OKAY TO KILL THE PEOPLE WHO SOMETIMES MAKE COMMERCIALS I ENJOY A LOT. OKEY DOKEY? -- K. Although, the kid in the "MMM! BEEFY!" ad is in a gray area. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Puzzling commercial #20000904a. Date: Sat, 9 Sep 2000 07:00:07 GMT References: <1Bbu5.360$v3.3552@uchinews> <8FA9A04BFdoidyhead@209.30.0.14> <8pbo74$q7h@elaine15.Stanford.EDU> <8pbte6$hua$1@saltmine.radix.net> Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > I got a B on a science test in eighth grade because, on a multiple > choice test, I said that the Marianas Trench was six miles deep > rather than six thousand miles deep, which the teacher insisted > was the correct answer. Didja then ask her in a sweet voice if she could please tell you what the radius of the Earth was so that you'd have a second bozo story to tell us years later? If not, she shoulda taken off even more points for not planning ahead for our amusement. I'm still amazed by that woman Jay Leno asked how many letters were in the English alphabet. She asked if she could take a moment to count, and he said yes, so she started singing "The Alphabet Song" to herself. Then she said "31". Extensive scientific research has now discovered the extra five letters which only stupid people know: duh, wuh, buh, guh, and doy. (Doy is always a vowel, but guh is only sometimes a consonant, the rest of the time it's a dessert topping.) -- K. Did you at least ask the bozo teacher who was president of the country of Africa? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Puzzling commercial #20000904a. Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2000 05:06:06 GMT References: <1Bbu5.360$v3.3552@uchinews> <8FA9A04BFdoidyhead@209.30.0.14> <8pbo74$q7h@elaine15.Stanford.EDU> <8pbte6$hua$1@saltmine.radix.net> <39ba3aa4.1105711@news.btinternet.com> Organization: http://www.kibo.com Zixia (chiba@btinternet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm still amazed by that woman Jay Leno asked how many letters > > were in the English alphabet. She asked if she could take a moment > > to count, [...] Then she said "31". > > There used to be a sociopathic moron working at the desk next to me, who > once boasted that he could write all 24 letters of the alphabet. Then the two of them married and gave birth to an average child who grew up to know all 27.5 letters of the alphabet. -- K. I wonder what the records for the maximum and minimum number of letters of the alphabet as counted by stupid people are. I don't know about the upper limit, but the lower limit is 3 ("A, B, and Many.") ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Puzzling commercial #20000904a. Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 21:26:07 GMT References: <39b51945.72658074@news.sprint.ca> <8p6bgr$rpg@epic6.Stanford.EDU> Organization: welcome datacomp Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, anyway, my idea is being forwarded to "the appropriate person". > > Know what that means? > > Yep: > > Show me on my bicycle riding through Boston. My aluminum suitcase > is strapped to the back and I am carrying a laser sniper rifle and > wearing a cowboy hat. Show all my friends waving and saying Hi Arch. > > Show Kramer the nonsequitur donkey bursting through Jerry's door > with his head stuck in a large plastic bag of peanut butter. > > The rest of this commercial is left as an exercise to the reader. Your movie, which is realer than any of Archie's already, is much better than his because yours asks us to think for ourselves, while his would end with five hours of him screaming insults into the camera lens about what idiots we were for not enjoying his movie so far, and how he shaves his head because hair is made out of antimatter, and nougat talks to him in his sleep, and anyone who disagrees with him should be shot by a guy carrying a sniper rifle while riding a donkey and the fact that the donkey likes peanut butter proves the Universe is shaped like a frog with warts bigger than the frog. Also Einstein would be in it wearing a dress and begging for our forgiveness. And the film stock would be made out of electrified Velcro made from space spider silk. And the audience would be beaten with baseball bats if they didn't go see his movie, despite the minor flaw in that plan's logic. -- K. And then Kate Mulgrew would get lost in the _Voyager_'s single corridor set over and over for an hour. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Puzzling commercial #20000904a. Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 21:13:46 GMT References: <39b51945.72658074@news.sprint.ca> <8FA79A7D9doidyhead@209.30.0.14> Organization: welcome datacomp Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > IT IS OKAY TO COMPLAIN ABOUT CERTAIN COMMERCIALS. > > Speaking of which, Kibo, have you yet seen the infomercial for > the "Cue Cat"? Is it a special kind of blue chalk you can rub on kitty's nose so kitty can use her nose to knock billiard balls into mouse holes, crushing Fievel behind the eight ball? > This product is a little bar code scanner that looks sort of like > a computer mouse (hence the "cat" joke) but is sculpted to resemble > a stylized kitty cat. And it's made out of soap and it grows hair when you don't bathe and when it's all gone there is a bright red plastic mouse inside. (I think they still sell those.) > Apparently you can scan product UPCs with it and your computer will > go right to the appropriate Web site. Wow! Now if I want to figure out how much an un-price-tagged item at K-Mart costs, all I need to do is buy it, take it home, rub my magic cat scanner over it, and then I can learn all about it! > Also, you can make special "cues," which are like slanted bar codes > with the "Cue Cat" symbol next to them, and print them in your catalogs, I'm sure that in the commercial they pronounce it "CAT!!!-a-logs!!! GET IT!!!" > advertisements, or (in one example given in the infomercial) your > business cards so people can scan them with the Cue Cat and go right to > your Web site. Oh, yeah, it so much more professional to leave www.businessname.com off your card and instead just have a big block of zebra stripes which the corporate executive can swipe with a computer peripheral shaped like a kitty. > The Cue Cat symbol is a curvy capital C with a colon to its left (":C"), EWW! PLEASE TAKE PROLAPSED KITTY AWAY!!! > which comes from the logo of the product's maker, a company > called Digital:Convergence (www.digitalconvergence.com). This > company seems to like putting the colon to the left of all its > product abbreviations and such, which tends to make them look > like they must be obscure vi commands or something. I think :C looks like Stalin, or possibly some other evil mustachioed force of pure evil, such as Gene Shalit. > But the infomercial for the Cue Cat that I saw this morning on > the Game Show Network (that channel was on while I was getting > ready for work this morning because I fell asleep with the TV > on last night) was REALLY FREAKING BIZARRE. I didn't get to > see the whole thing, but as far as I could tell the plot was > like this: > > - A new, young (late twenties, early thirties) angel comes to > heaven, wearing a red shirt with white tie and white pants, > and he has to "get his wings." > > - Teaching him how to get his wings is an elder angel, who is > a balding, jovial type dressed in an all-white suit. > > - The young angel has to prove himself by helping out some > guy back down on Earth. > > - He can keep track of the guy by using his "Halo Cam," but > he finds that an even more useful tool for solving all his > problems is the Cue Cat. Just out of curiosity, were these "red angels" scanning bar codes off people's hands and foreheads? > The infomercial also touted some weird URL, which I think was > something like "getafreecat23.com," and when I went there out > of curiosity it actually greeted me with the words, "Welcome > Game Show Network Viewers!" (Golly, targeted domain names!) > The site seems to be gone now, and I can't even find a link to > it from digitalconvergence.com or anything. I wish I could > find something about it, because it had pictures of the two > "angel" characters from the infomercial. www.cuecat.com and www.getcat.com are two of many aliases for their site, but with no creepy stupid angels visible. I'm guessing they gave you an address like www.cuecat.com/gameshownetwork/familyfeud/september6 so that they could measure how many people were responding to each particular placement for their ad... and to emphasize how much easier life would be if you moved your computer across the room to atop the TV so that the Cue Cat cord would reach the part of the screen that displayed the convenient barcode. One of the "instructional videos" (re-educational propaganda commercials) on their site shows them scanning something and then seeing a plain-looking screen with a bunch of text and "Raw Data" at the top in boldface. That's odd, I don't recall publishing http://www.kibo.com/rawdata as a Cue Cat bar code. In fact, I think I paid extra to have it NOT published as a stupid skewed bar code. (It works better than a regular bar code because the lines are slanty! That makes it look like it's whooshing past you even when it's holding still! Just like the way the stripes on the sides of your sneakers make you go faster!) > Anyway, I'd just like to say that I'm not likely to get myself > a Cue Cat, even if it is endorsed by the angels in heaven, but > I might consider installing one if only it made my computer > say "WARNING: CAT-LIKE SCANNER DETECTED" on startup. I'd only consider it if it was the kind of scanner that made Michael Ironside's head explode. Or better yet, if it made Michael Ironside make the rest of the "seaQuest 2032" cast explode. And the rest of the "V: The Series" cast explode. Especially Marc Singer, whose hair was elaborately parted with a garden trowel to make two perfectly equal Cat Cue barcodes piled atop his head. -- K. Cat Cue, from the makers of Bat Boo and Dog Doo. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Attn Llama Verre Date: Tue, 5 Sep 2000 04:27:59 GMT References: Organization: http://www.kibo.com [re certain happy-go-wacky computer games for toddlers, designed by Leah Verre and Tom Verre and some other people who don't count because they aren't here] The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > Our pre-school milk is provided by Hiland [...] > Anyhow, the ads on the milk are for Spy Fox. "Milk, it's more than > cool, it's spy-suave!" I think Spy Fox also kicks ass with a rubber ball > 'n' paddle toy Waah! Leah Verre won't tell me the secret keystrokes to get into the ass-with-a-rubber-ball-and-paddle discipline mode (FOR PARENTS ONLY!) So I can't see Spy Fox taking on the multicolor gummi worm in the nun's outfit! I can't even get into the secret mini-game-within-a-real-game which features two little Scotty dogs that sniff each other's butts magnetically! LEAH VERRE, PLEASE STOP HIDING YOUR NAUGHTY STUFF FOR TODDLERS FROM ME! > in another ad. So, at lunch the other day, I saw the milk > ad and went, "Woo hoo! I know a person or persons who work or works at > Humongous!" The kids went nutty. And then the Thorazine-soaked graham crackers were handed out. > WHEEEEEEEEEEEE WE LOVE SPY FOX THERE'S KISSING IN IT AND MY UNCLE PLAYS > IT WITH ME AND THERE'S A MONKEY NAMED PYJAMA SLAM!!!!!, I was reliably > informed. The kiddies also said something about boys sometimes kiss > girls, but I think they're making that up. Pajama Sam isn't a monkey! He's just a bald blue spaz with a zigzag head and a girl's voice and he teaches kids to never ever consider eating eggplant! Please stop picking on Leah Verre's wholesome games which teach kids valuable lessons about vegetables being bad! Also in Leah's "Blue's Clues" CD-ROMs if you hold down the right four keys when you insert the disk, it goes into this secret mode where at the end of the game Steve dies of a heroin overdose and then next game they replace him with a lookalike they've had locked in a closet for such an emergency. -- K. And I hear Spy Fox has a bee in his balloon. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Video games which DON'T contain any objectionable content Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 11:56:44 GMT References: Organization: http://www.kibo.com Last night I wrote: > > [re certain happy-go-wacky computer games for toddlers designed with > the involvement of certain persons present here] I would just like to add that there is NO SEXUAL CONTENT in any of those games, in fact, they should have stickers on the outside of the box to advertise their ABSOLUTELY NO SEXUAL CONTENT. Anyone who has claimed otherwise is CLEARLY deranged and facetious, and you can only sue someone who is being one or the other, not both. Also, although SOMEONE recently asserted that one of the games contained an imaginary "gummi worm in a nun's habit", this is clearly NOT sexual imagery to any normal person, and if lawyers see anything erotic there they are REALLY PERVERTED, EVEN FOR LAWYERS. So, to reiterate, there is NO SEX IN ANY OF THESE GAMES. I must have been thinking of games from OTHER companies, like "Pac-Man Does Dallas". -- K. Now, if you'll excuse me, the stodgy video-arcade owner played by Joe Don Baker needs his van's hot tub filled. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Video games which DON'T contain any objectionable content Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 12:07:04 GMT References: Organization: http://www.kibo.com This morning I said that last night I wrote: > > > [re certain happy-go-wacky computer games for toddlers designed with > > the involvement of certain persons present here] To those of you who are designing toddlers with the involvement of certain persons present here, STOP IT. The world has quite enough toddlers without you unleashing evil RoboToddlers to unleash the destructive force of The Terrible Twos from cyborg babies who can crayon-scribble on 1,000 walls per hour. -- K. Have we learned NOTHING from "Small Wonder"? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Hey, look at me! I have an opinion too! Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 03:36:29 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com It has recently come to my attention that one or more people on alt.religion.kibology may have opinions. I HATE OPINIONS!!! No, just kidding. I enjoy opinions, especially when they're mine. And you can see my latest privately-funded politically-relevant opinion at: http://www.The-Election.com/rants Notable quote from this week's installment: "Everybody loves Willard Scott!" That pretty much sums up the mood of this week's column... inaccurately. -- K. HA HA, BUSH SAID A DIRTY WORD! ON TV! NOW HE'LL HAVE TO GO TO JAIL! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Blocked Letters / His Spiritual Letters Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 04:46:28 GMT References: <21797-39B5B492-67@storefull-246.iap.bryant.webtv.net> Organization: http://www.kibo.com arkroc@webtv.net wandered into alt.religion.kibology and wrote: > > --WebTV-Mail-16351-5226 > Content-Type: Text/Plain; Charset=US-ASCII > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > > > > Blocked Letters are "given" to the born mind of a child. > > Ironically, often times the letters are on little wooden blocks that the > born physical mind moves around and plays with to form words. > > Ironically, that same Pattern even exists today with computer keyboards. Except for WebTVs, which form letters out of patterns of Content-Transfer- Encoded 7-bit US-ASCII Text/Plain letters delimited by a boundary named "WebTV-Mail" even though I am not reading this on a WebTV and this is not mail. WEBTVS DON'T KNOW IT'S NOT MAIL! > The letters are mounted on little blocks that are moved by the physical > hand at the direction of the mind. Waah! My blocks fell over during the earthquake because the Earth is smarter than me!!! > How does this Pattern of the physical aspect of the born mind moving > block letters..., > > ..fit or make attunement with His Spirit? > > It doesn't. > > Why not? > > Does the mind see any DIRECT or CORDED connection between His Spirit and > the block letters the mind has been given? > > NO. > > Why not? > > Because the born mind was NEVER taught that there might be a connection. > > What is the connection? > > In the Bible, there is a REVELATION for the mind. > > It is Revelation 1:8 that states HIS Spirit IS letters. Yes, but the Bible has always been typeset in Helvetica Oldstyle ever since Gutenberg first wrote it down, so as a result I won't take its advice on typography. Also, the Bible isn't as good an expert on typography as John Baskerville was on religion. > The mind was GIVEN the letters by its physical parents and teachers..., > > ..and the mind has literally taken HIS letters for granted as its OWN. > > That is WHY the Pattern, Jesus, stated that many have Abraham for their > Father..., > > ..but His Father was WITHIN Him.* > > *John 8:37 > > *"I know that ye are Abraham's seed: but ye seek to kill me, because my > word hath no place in you. > > I speak that which I have seen with my Father: and ye do that which ye > have seen with your Father." This is a lot like that part of that book by Richard Feynman where he complains that NASA's investigation into the Space Shuttle _Challenger_ exploding was mostly about writing memos about how people should use the correct style of "bullets" in their memos, except that you're misusing asterisks instead of overusing bullets, and I don't have enough Nobel Prizes. But other than that you should look up how to connect one top asterisk to one and only one bottom asterisk so you don't make another Space Shuttle explode. > > ============ > > The letters that Abraham's seed learned to use were handed down from > generation to generation..., > > ..and NO Spirit of the Father WITHIN was EVER attached to the letters. > > The letters that Jesus, the Pattern used, were directly corded to the > Spirit WITHIN Him..., > > ..and thus the WORDS He spoke were Spirit. > > According to the Readings, The Pattern of Jesus was that He WAS Adam > born again. > > Adam severed the cord of communication with the Spirit of GOD, G-O-D, > WITHIN himself..., > > ..returned as Jesus, who re-corded again to the Spirit of GOD, G-O-D, > WITHIN Himself. Dear John Winston, You misspelled "G-D" and "G_-_D". Thank you for your support. > His Spirit even announced in Revelation 1:8 that His Spirit was letters. > > That is WHY the physical aspect of the mind must be born again in > Spirit..., > > ..and it can do so by making the immaculate conception that the letters > it as been using as its OWN... > > ..MAY be moved and used to manifest a Spiritual mind out of its very > OWN self..., > > ..and be Patterned after His Kind.* I wish to reference my earlier codicil on the ineffectiveness of asterisks which are not used in one-to-one correspondence with the other asterisks to which they are intended to be married. > See Genesis 1:11 > > In essence, the same letters that have literally blocked or veiled the > mind from His Spirit may be used..., > > .. by the mind, as the builder, to re-cord the mind to His Spirit > WITHIN..., > > ..so that the mind, and its constant companion, its soul, may once > again, become as As One with the Creative Force, God, the Father, > WITHIN. > > In essence, every mind that has the ability to move blocked letters may > begin to be re-born right now. > > U C..., > > ..now is won..., > > .. when the letters ARE moved from His point of view WITHIN during this > ERA. That's my favorite part of the Bible. Where Jesus says "U C, I 8 P P." Most people don't know about it because it was after a bottom asterisk which wasn't connected to anything and so they can only get to it by cheating and reading the Bible out of order, which makes you go to Hell just like if you do the same thing with a Dungeons & Dragons "Choose Your Own Adventure", except in the case of D&D books you also go to Hell if you don't cheat. > Blessings, > > > > --WebTV-Mail-16351-5226 > Content-Description: signature > Content-Disposition: Inline > Content-Type: Text/HTML; Charset=US-ASCII > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7Bit > > > Follow > the Edgar Cayce Readings to build a Spiritual mind > > > > --WebTV-Mail-16351-5226-- Thank you for your blessing, Mr. Signature. -- K. P.S. The people who played Bartles & Jaymes on TV were JUST ACTORS! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Gah! Stop that. (Re: Nerdy Teenaged Mens) Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 05:17:06 GMT References: <8FA5CBC0Ddoidyhead@209.30.0.14> <8FA650036doidyhead@209.30.0.14> <5Y9t5.61719$g53.982674@news5.giganews.com> <39B537E0.1CCE@kvackit.org> <8FA69F719doidyhead@209.30.0.14> <39B53D11.2525@kvackit.org> <8FA693C3Ddoidyhead@209.30.0.14> Organization: http://www.kibo.com The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > I once had my hands down the pants of a nurd I was seriously attracted > to. While on a bus ride to some wild duck preserve or something. After > one long, mildly pleasurable and very sticky hour, we got back to the > parking lot and as I headed to the car, he asked if I wanted a ride > home. I said I had my car but would like to meet him that night. > He WALKED OFF IN A HUFF. > I'd like to know what else I could have done to let the guy know I was > interested in dating him. Maybe an engraved, pornographic inviation, > printed on off-white parchment and lettered in 24K gold? Be sure that the 24K lettering is in 24pt gold Geneva Bold Italic Shadow. Other than that, you've got the perfect plan to get back into Archie's pants. STACIA, GET BACK INTO ARCHIE'S PANTS!!! -- K. I don't know why the size of my hunting rifle doesn't impress the chicks on the bus ride to the duck preserve. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Gah! Stop that. (Re: Nerdy Teenaged Mens) Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 19:06:45 GMT References: <8FA6C148Adoidyhead@209.30.0.14> <8FA776335doidyhead@209.30.0.14> Organization: welcome datacomp Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > [...] > > IF YOU TELL A WOMAN YOU'RE NOT STALKING HER, SHE WILL THINK YOU ARE > STALKING HER. So be sure to tell every woman you meet that you're stalking her. Eventually either one will disbelieve you and you'll be allowed to marry her, or else you'll stumble across one of those great women who enjoys having a stalker. Watch out for the ones who cheat on you with a second stalker. They aren't worth cleaning off your night-vision goggles for. AND WHY AREN'T THERE MORE VIDEO GAMES WHERE YOU CAN STALK WOMEN? THOSE WOULD TEACH KIDS TO HAVE A LONGER ATTENTION SPAN! I'M GOING TO WRITE A LETTER TO SENATOR LIEBERMAN DEMANDING HE SUPPRESS ALL VIDEO GAMES THAT DON'T TEACH VALUABLE LIFE SKILLS LIKE STALKING! > Don't mention stalking. Taboo subject, like her weight. Especially with > women on the Internet who generally guard their privacy especially well. Then why are so many of them completely naked all over my screen? Or are those just men who have retouched themselves with that new Photoshop Sex-Change filter? (They shouldn't have let Kai Krause design it, it tends to make people come out all rounded and gelatinous with a Florida instead of a butt. And every once in a while you accidentally move the invisible slider which turns you into Pangea.) > This is common sense. This is ultra-common because even I know it, > and I didn't even learn it the hard way like everything else. I always eat spinach before a date so I can impress the wimmin with the little nuclear mushroom clouds inside my biceps. Unfortunately, this works best on really skinny girls who spend most of the day doing cartwheels down staircases and getting stuck inside stovepipes. -- K. Someone else can write the sentence "and then my corncob condom goes 'TOOT TOOT!'" because it's too sophomoric even for me. I'm 'fantile to the finish like Ben Hill the English I'm Kibo, the lowbrow man! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Gah! Stop that. (Re: Nerdy Teenaged Mens) Date: Fri, 8 Sep 2000 03:13:07 GMT References: <8FA6C148Adoidyhead@209.30.0.14> <8FA776335doidyhead@209.30.0.14> <8p6f37$srl@epic6.Stanford.EDU> Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'M GOING TO WRITE A LETTER TO SENATOR LIEBERMAN DEMANDING HE SUPPRESS > > ALL VIDEO GAMES THAT DON'T TEACH VALUABLE LIFE SKILLS LIKE STALKING! > > AND SET UP A DOT STALK PART OF THE INTERNET! THE CZAR OF STALK.* WILL BE ANDREI TARKOVSKY! HE WILL ADMINISTER STALK.* BY USING THE CRYPTIC YET DERIVATIVE POWERS OF SOLARIS! AND WHEN YOU START UP YOUR COMPUTER IT WILL DISPLAY A LONG RIDE THROUGH TUNNELS IN JAPAN WHILE MOANING GHOST NOISES PLAY JUST LIKE IN THAT KUBRICK MOVIE WHICH ALSO INFLUENCED THE GENIUS OF BRIAN DePALMA AND GERRY ANDERSON! But seriously, though Senator Lieberman's nutty ".sex" idea doesn't go nearly far enough even when you toss in ".stalk". We also need top level domains for ".nosex", ".spam", ".complaintsaboutspam", ".boring", and ".kibology". (I think ".nosex" might be the same as ".kibology".) ".nerd" is a gray area between ".nosex" and "microsoft.com". "apple.com" will be broken up into "apple.tangerine", "apple.strawberry", "apple.puce", and "apple.vomit.green.puke.puke.puke". Short shameful confession: After typing the above I passed out with the above article half-finished on my screen. It was the first time one of _my_ articles has put me to sleep. Anyway, now that I've recovered from my comatose state (induced by staying up all night writing about George W. Bush saying a potty word into the world's loudest microphone) I need to figure out how to finish this article, which I now don't even remember starting. Um... There also needs to be a ".dopeyideasaboutreformingtheinternet" for Joe Lieberman to hang out in while he cooks up his nutty plans for disjointing .com from .sex so that he won't bother the rest of us here in .com, THE SEXIEST DOMAIN ON THE INTERNET!!! -- K. Fun fact: My TV just told me to buy a stack of boxes of frozen White Castle burgers, and I just travelled across town to do just that, but I mistakenly did it BEFORE seeing the commercial! My stupid TV keeps missing its cues! Waah! I want a TV which can brainwash me CORRECTLY! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: My First Short, Shameful Confession Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 05:34:14 GMT References: <39b51ee9.74102683@news.sprint.ca> Organization: http://www.kibo.com Darla VladsChyk (Darla4695@sprint.delete.ca) wrote: > > Vlad just came up here all proud and shit because he'd gone to Napster > and *stolen* a buncha songs and burned them onto his very own CD. He > actually thought *I'd* want to play his hacked-off contraband myusick. > > Jesus. > > I am SO embarrassed. Did you turn him in to the Internet Police for the bounty? You should, because then you'd get your photo in the papers. Anything about Napster makes the papers. It's not like people have ever traded files before with Hotline or the Web or this new thing called "FTP". -- K. And I hear computer scientists are developing something called a "BBS" which won't even require you to use the Internet to connect to it! P.S. Napster is just MTV's "Yack Live" except when a 13-year-old types "PLAY M0RE H00TIE" your computer does what they want. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.agriculture,sci.energy,sci.physics.fusion,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: the only big question to ask a fusion physicist or fusion politician Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 05:58:47 GMT References: <39A559D8.84CE5B03@willinet.net> <39A60EE8.26563114@willinet.net> <39A6A4B5.9D291178@willinet.net> <39A8065E.D9534CE7@willinet.net> <39A94904.6BC3D98F@willinet.net> <9EMq5.77301$Kw2.685457@flipper> <39ABE7BB.59DDBD5A@willinet.net> <8oh43e$nn2$1@news5.svr.pol.co.uk> > [...] I now realize that our uranium and our petroleum were meant > to be used WISELY and parsimoniously. Please stop stealing your science theories from speeches at the end of old "Scooby-Doo" cartoons. -- K. "And I would have won the Nobel Prize if it hadn't been for you meddling kids!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.agriculture,sci.energy,sci.physics.fusion,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: the only big question to ask a fusion physicist or fusion politician Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 06:01:48 GMT References: <39A559D8.84CE5B03@willinet.net> <39A60EE8.26563114@willinet.net> <39A6A4B5.9D291178@willinet.net> <39A8065E.D9534CE7@willinet.net> <39A94904.6BC3D98F@willinet.net> <9EMq5.77301$Kw2.685457@flipper> <39ABE7BB.59DDBD5A@willinet.net> <8oh43e$nn2$1@news5.svr.pol.co.uk> > [...] Perhaps the many pulsars that we observe are Infantile Extinctions. Please stop making fun of Benny Hill's tragic death. -- K. I apologize for posting two responses to the same article, but Archie posted an article with two different E-mail addresses in its headers, so I had to reply twice to get two attributions for the parts I was quoting. (The GOOFY parts.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: is DWDM the final muxing solution ? Omi: "final muxing solution", September 4, 2000 Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 06:10:25 GMT References: <8p25lp$ic7$1@news.netvision.net.il> Organization: http://www.kibo.com In sci.optics.fiber, Eldad Klaiman (eldad_klaiman@atrica.com) wrote: > > Subject: is DWDM the final muxing solution ? I'd just like to say that I could write several great seventies science-fiction films around the concept of evil robots that go around shouting, "For your crimes, you will be dissolved in the final muxing solution!" The first would co-star Charlton Heston and various robots played by Ribert Vaughn. The second could co-star Gregory Harrison and various robots played by Roscoe Lee Browne. The third might co-star the dad from "Small Wonder" and various robots played by Dudley Manlove. I'll worry about the fourth one tomorrow after I finish writing the other three. -- K. I forgot to mention that Diana Muldaur is in the first two, and Majel Barrett is in the third, as the love interest of the robot modelled on Gene Rodenberry. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Japan gives robotic dog to Putin Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 06:55:00 GMT References: Organization: http://www.kibo.com [this news event has already been mocked by others here, but this new rendition of the facts by the wacky French wire service contains additional bozosity] l'AFP brought us: > > Subject: Japan gives robotic dog to Putin "Giving the robotic dog to someone" could be this year's equivalent of telling them to "sit on it". > TOKYO, Sept 4 (AFP) - Russian President Vladimir Putin won a > new admirer Monday -- a pet robotic dog named Puti. "Oh no! I just found out why he's called POOTY!" Sorry, I'll go sew myself into the soundproof rubber Obvious Bag now. > Japanese Prime Minister Yoshiro Mori gave Putin the gleaming > metallic puppy-sized robot, after two hours of talks in Tokyo. The two hours of talking were, "YAP YAP YAP YAP BEEP BEEP YAP YAP YAP YAP BEEP BEEP YAP YAP YAP POOT POOT POOT POOT POOT POOT POOT POOT!!!" > "The prime minister handed it to Putin, asking him to use it to > help ease his fatigue," said a Japanese foreign ministry official. "I can see that you are very tired and look as if you might die at any moment. Here, use this dog." NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL DIPLOMACY! > When petted on the head, it sang Russia's national anthem and a > folk song, and was able to speak some Russian, he said. "Ve will bury you! Yap yap yap yap poot poot poot poot poot poot!" > The Japanese official said he did not know the dog's > manufacturer but it appeared to be dumber than Sony's smash-hit > robotic dog AIBO, which was first released in June last year. Dumber than an ordinary robotic dog? That WOULD be a feat of engineering! > AIBO dogs come with an array of sensors -- a colour > closed-circuit camera, heat sensors, infra-red range finder, touch > sensors, acceleration and speed sensors and a stereo microphone. And can produce 600 PPS (poots per second.) -- K. That's why you have to feed it nothing but pooter meat from that restaurant where Janeane Garofalo works. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Indian chilli usurps Mexican rival as world's hottest Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 07:17:07 GMT References: Organization: http://www.kibo.com l'AFP telegraphed: > > GUWAHATI, India, Sept 5 (AFP) - Indian defence scientists say > they have identified the world's hottest chilli, with a kick that > makes the previous Mexican pretender to the title seem positively > bland by comparison. > Experts at the Defence Research Laboratory (DRL) in the army > garrison town of Tezpur in the northestern state of Assam, said > Tuesday that the local Naga Jolokia (capsicum frutescens) was nearly > 50 percent more pungent than the Red Savina Habanero from Mexico. > "Laboratory tests have confirmed that Naga Jolokia, a speciality > from the northeast, is now the worlds hottest chilli," the > laboratory's deputy director S.C. Das told AFP by telephone from > Tezpur. > Measured for pungency in "Scoville" units, the Naga Jolokia > powered in at a firebreathing 855 units, compared to the 577 units > of its Mexican rival. Um. If this special pepper which only grows in the back yard of the Defense Research Laboratory has 855 Scoville units, that means the hottest Habanero (the Red Savina Habanero, documented in the Guinness Book Of Records and many other places) is SIX HUNDRED TIMES HOTTER than the stupid Indian naga hyde jellopia or whatever they call it. (The Red Sabena has 577 THOUSAND Scovilles. New Mexican peppers, whatever they are, have 500 to 1000 Scovilles, and probably taste a lot like cardboard with a light dusting of paprika, not unlike college food-service potatoes.) Pure capsaicin (which is sold as an arthritis remedy -- really!) is 16,000,000 Scovilles. Incidentally, its full chemical name is N-Vanillyl-8-methyl-6-(E)-noneamide, so you can tell your friends, "Try some of this capsaicin. Chemically, it's a lot like vanilla." Certain other capsaicin-related chemicals found in hot peppers are less hot than "pure cap"; For instance, pure homocapsaicin would be only 8,600,000 Scovilles. (No comment on why it has to be a weak sissy chemical with a name like that.) > The tiny chilli is grown mostly in the hilly terrain of > northeast India and is a firm staple in every meal among local > tribals. If that were true, there wouldn't be any! There would just be these big smoking craters where people used to be! > "Drinking water does not ease the burn of the Naga Jolokia but > makes it worse. The best antidote for the chilli burn is dairy > products like milk," said local hotel chef Anil Sharma. > According to sources, the scientists at the DRL were testing the > Naga Jolokia with a view to developing possible teargas formulae. Gee, it's not like people already know that pure cap (16,000,000) is hotter than any stupid pepper juice (577,000) or anything. > "I dont want to comment on anything more as the experiments are > in its initial stages. But you know how chilli was used in ancient > times by people to ward off enemies", Das said. The question is, how does Taco Bell ward off hot chili from entering their watery sauces? > Powered chilli was in the past apparently carried by women in > pouches to be thrown into the eyes of any assailants. What if they got molested by a blind pervert, what then? -- K. Always working to increase awareness of the fact that all blind people are pervs. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Inflatables (other than Chasey Lain) Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 10:34:44 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Back in July, I wrote: > > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Okay, all of you can make fun of me for the next day and a half. > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Tue, 11 Jul 2000 19:20:57 GMT > > I just replaced my beat-up old mattress with an inflatable one. > > I did this for four reasons: > > 1.) The mattress HAD to go. I could see through it. > > 2.) I'd rather spend as much money as possible on computer gadgets and > as little as possible on big expensive pads to nap on. > > 3.) I like soft squishy things. > > 4.) I figured Nick Bensema deserved the chance to laugh at me after > I teased him about his silly South Park inflatable chair. > > Also, it has a fuzzy velveteen surface and a delightful new car smell. > > So, you're allowed to make fun of my inflatable mattress for the next > 36 hours, at which point I go back to making fun of everyone else. Someone warned that my air mattress was guaranteed to cause me horrible back trauma, but it didn't, probably because I sleep face down -- it provided fine support that way. On my back, I would suffer Saggy Butt Syndrome, just like an underfilled waterbed except that my butt would hit the floor through the air bed. (Air beds never stay fully inflated, they always gradually leak air over a period of weeks.) With a weekly topping-off, I was quite happy with this one, until night before last, when it suddenly decided to start lowering me to the floor over a period of night-minus-one hours. Apparently it has a macroscopic puncture somewhere now. I can't find it through visual or tactile inspection (although I'm not sure "tactile" is the best term for "checking whether anything is blowing on my fingers", a word that sorely needs to be coined) and it's too big for me to put it in the bathtub to see if it blows bubbles. I could swab it with soapy water to see if it makes soap bubbles, but that raises the question of how I could wash it off if it won't fit in the bathtub. Waah! I should have known better. I mean, I figured Nick Bensema would pop his inflatable chair on the first day of issue, but I also figured that I was considerably less pointy than Nick. For now on, I need to remember never to buy anything else which comes with a repair kit. And just what is the purpose of the little straw in the repair kit? Is it so that I can use the foil tube of vinyl gunk to blow Bubb-A-Loons? (Bubb-A-Loons were a product sold in the 1970s -- and I think still available in a few states -- consisting of a similar foil tube of a mixture of liquid plastic and acetone. You were supposed to blow swirly multicolored bubbles which would congeal into tough, sticky bubbles coated with neurotoxin which would go right through your skin if you ever touched them or blew air into them through the little plastic straw. I'm told the most collectible version of Bubb-A-Loons were the Fonz Bubb-A-Loons, where the three tubes had pictures of the three principal "Happy Days" characters: Henry Winkler, Ron Howard, and a talking dog.) So, anyway, my mattress started shrinking from top to bottom (as opposed to Shrinky Dinks, which shrink from side to side -- and for some reason my boss bought me a package of blank "shrink sheets" for my color printer at the office) night before last. I blew it up, and it went down. Twice. I want to repair the mattress rather than admitting defeat and buying a "real" mattress. I liked how it felt when it was more or less fully inflated, and my laptop computer liked the fact that it had ridges (air circulates under the computer so it doesn't get hot enough to start making jet aircraft noises from the little half-inch-wide fan under the Caps Lock key.) The only thing that really bothered me about the mattress was that my battery-powered inflation pump made loud howling noises while I was repressurizing the bed every weekend. (I figure Sears added some whistle innards to the pump to emphasize that, yes, Virginia, there is some sort of air circulation happening in this D-battery-powered piece of plastic.) I'm not going to throw out this expensive twenty-five-dollar air bed without trying to fix the leak. Remember how they saved Apollo 13 with two gym socks, a Mr. Coffee filter, and a tube of Bubb-A-Loons? Well, anything NASA can do with a spacecraft, I can do with an airbed. It ain't rocket science! So, I went back to Sears to look for a foam pad or sleeping bag or something to dull the pressure of the floor against my tender body until I had time to drag the air mattress down to the building's swimming pool for bubble inspection and/or wet farting noises. (The only other game in town for cheap camping-like-equipment would have been K-Mart, and I figured they'd have two sleeping bags with holes chewed in them by rats, each located in the middle of a random pile of batteries and Frisbees in a different part of the store.) I bought myself a Hillary brand sleeping bag -- it's the only brand of anything Sears sells in their camping department. (The air mattress is also Hillary brand, and the picture of the slightly chunky woman with the hair of indeterminate color worried me a little, until I realized that she was Sir Edmund Hillary according to the fine print in front of the First Lady's name. Apparently when Sir Edmund Hillary climbed Mount Everest, he not only used Sears-made inflatable equipment, but he was a woman.) The sleeping bag is nice and cushy and was even available in a 90" length for those of us tall people who sleep face down with our feet hanging off to the south and our arms sticking out to the north. Oh, if only I hadn't thrown out my old "real" mattress after buying the air mattress. Sure, it was dying, but it could have served me well in such an emergency. In fact, I did save it for a while after I bought the air mattress. It was propped up in the hall because I kept forgetting to remove it. It actually sat there quite a while... ...until I disposed of it... NIGHT BEFORE LAST. WAAH!!!!! -- K. When I was a kid, I think my Big Bird-shaped inflatable chair lasted a full week. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Inflatables (other than Chasey Lain) Date: Fri, 8 Sep 2000 05:04:50 GMT References: <39b660f6.41521230@supernews.seanet.com> <39b73ae8.26364021@news.m.iinet.net.au> Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Brack!" (guruzoo@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Lleah (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > [concerning Kibo's diffuse memory trace of Fonz Bubb-A-Loons, > > the most toxic toy of all time] > > > > The version I always had was "Super Elastic Bubble Plastic". See, it > > rhymes. I can still hear my mother saying repeatedly "Don't put the > > plastic in your mouth! Don't chew the bubble plastic!" Only she > > didn't have to tell me, because I wasn't really into chewing on > > acetone, but hey .. moms. > > Ooooooh boy. Am I screwed? I used to squirt this stuff everywhere, > making a skin on my hand and peeling it off, chewing the stuff, > sniffing it. I'm screwed arent I? Well, your kids are going to grow up hideously deformed... and they'll go around yelling "AYYY! SIT ON IT, NERD!" Your only hope is to cancel out the Fonz plasmids that have attached themselves, lamprey-like, to your DNA, and true Fonz negation can only be achieved by sleeping with Potsie. -- K. So go have sex with Potsie, and then we'll tell you how normal you are. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: I see Al Gore is still pushing his dopey "open-source" Web site Date: Wed, 6 Sep 2000 19:04:57 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp I pressed pretzel-E on my special secret elite cybertronic keyboard to hack my way into the Original Source Code for Al Gore's Web site, and I saw this: -> -> -> -> -> -> -> -> -> -> -> Welcome to the offical Gore-Lieberman campaign web site! -> -> -> -> -> -> -> -> -> -> Dear Al Gore, you forgot to properly comment this incredibly arcane source code. Let me fix it. I pressed pretzel-E on my special secret keyboard to hack my way into the Original Source Code for Al Gore's Web site and got this: Welcome to the offical Gore-Lieberman campaign web site! Thanks for checking out our source code! I plan to use this space to post special messages to those who are helping to improve our web site -- by making our site the best it can be. The fact that you are peeking behind the scenes at our site means you can make an important difference to this Internet effort. I'm grateful for your help and support in this campaign. Now let's keep working to build the 21st Century of our dreams! Al Gore --------------------------------------------------------------> "It would be absurd to try to stop Russians from picking mushrooms," ---> said Maxim Safonov, a biologist and mushroom specialist in the central ---> Russian region of Orenburg. Remember, kids! Don't try to stop Russians from picking mushrooms! Or they'll nuke you! -- K. Or at least drop a submarine on you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: THIS IS THE WORLD'S LOUDEST SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE!!! Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2000 02:43:44 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Hello, this is a personal message for everyone on the Internet. Dear everyone, If I were to comment on George W. Bush's alleged subliminal commercial, I would +------------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | Hey! I just posted something at -> http://www.The-Election.com/rants <- | | | +------------------------------------------------------------------------------+ be a bozo. Therefore, I will not say anything about subliminal advertising now +------------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | Hey! I just posted something at -> http://www.The-Election.com/rants <- | | | +------------------------------------------------------------------------------+ except that it is known to be completely ineffective in all advertising venues. +------------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | Hey! I just posted something at -> http://www.The-Election.com/rants <- | | | +------------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Thank you for your patience in reading this boring article with no subliminals. -- K. Also, I am not an "I would be a bozo" bozo -- I *am* a bozo, and darn proud! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Boom! Short shameful tale of INCREDIBLE STUPIDITY Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2000 07:54:41 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Well, it finally happened -- I did something stupid! One of my computers (five years old, original cost $4400) has of late been making an intermittent buzzing noise which I figured was from debris whirling around inside the fan. So, I decided to try the usual "gently stop the fan from spinning for a few seconds by poking a toothpick into the back of it, to see if the noise stops" trick which has worked so well in the past. Except that on this particular computer, the slots in the back are not directly in front of the power supply's fan... they are in front of a large unshielded piece of copper carrying line voltage, and the fan is somewhere deep within the computer, nowhere near the outside air. And my second mistake -- the only handy object to poke into where I thought the fan was, was... metal. So, there was a loud "BANG!" and sparks shot out of the back of my beloved old computer. DO NOT POKE POINTY METAL OBJECTS INTO PARTS OF YOUR COMPUTER WHICH CARRY HIGH VOLTAGE, HAVE NO INSULATION, AND ARE NOWHERE NEAR FANS!!! I'm going to try to buy a new power supply for this computer ($300-$350 for such a specialized power supply -- this isn't a plain old ATX power supply) because even though this computer is a bit old, it still makes a fine network server, and it does video frame-grabs better than most newer equipment (it has some Philips video circuitry which does true 640x480 60-FIELDS-per-second playthrough from NTSC or S-Video, not the usual 320x240 30-frames-per-second you get in little video capture cards) and, frankly, it's still fast enough for all ordinary computing tasks (275 MHz RISC processor, can play Unreal at 640x480 with all normal special effects enabled... without a 3D accelerator. I think this was the last computer ever to have no 3D acceleration, but it has wicked good 2D acceleration... the main memory bus is 128 bits wide, by the way -- a feature that made a big difference back when motherboards and RAM were relatively slow.) Anyway, I'm going to see if I can save this relic. Also, it has the complete alt.religion.kibology archive on it; I did a full backup of the computer a couple of weeks ago, so only the last couple weeks are on its disks, and I expect the two SCSI disks weren't harmed when I exploded the power supply. I wanted to migrate my files to a pair of rackmount disk servers I was planning to buy, but I may have to wind up spending the money on a new computer instead if this power supply isn't the only part that was damaged by the Big Zap. But I assume in any case the files are intact and I won't have to call in a data recovery company to retrieve last week's alt.religion.kibology articles and sell the other data on my drives to the Chinese without telling me. -- K. I've gotten so good at pulling drives out of this weird snaptogether case that this time I didn't even get bloody after dismantling it. (The whole computer is held together by one screw and the incredible force of fifty-eight million pounds of spring clamp tension. If you start pulling out a drive, there is a 50% chance it will slip out of your grasp and THWACK!!! back into place. So, to get it out, you have to pull really really really hard with hand A while prying open a clamp with hand B while sticking your fingers through tiny slots in this plastic frame shaped like Escher's "Belvedere".) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Boom! Short shameful tale of INCREDIBLE STUPIDITY Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2000 20:52:19 GMT References: Organization: welcome datacomp Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, I decided to try the usual "gently stop the fan from spinning for > > a few seconds by poking a toothpick into the back of it, to see if > > the noise stops" trick which has worked so well in the past. > > [...] the only handy object to poke into where I thought the fan was, > > was... metal. > > > > So, there was a loud "BANG!" and sparks shot out of the back of > > my beloved old computer. > > I did that once. I was at work, talking on the phone to a HAWT CHYK. > I noticed that my SparcStation 5 had a lot of fluff in the cooling slots. SparcStations are cool. Unless you stick something metal into them, in which case all the sparcs come out. Their names are Ert and Burnie and they want to play with all of your other toys, except for the ones made of asbestos. > I had previously successfully cleaned out the fluff using a > toothpick. This time all I could find was a paper clip. I straightened > it out, poked it in the slot YOU BOZO! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT STICKING A STRAIGHTENED PAPER CLIP INTO A COMPUTER TURNS YOU INTO A MACINTOSH USER? I CAN SEE YOUR COMPUTER TURNING TRANSPARENT PINK FROM HERE! > and the machine went "CLICK!" and then got really quiet. "CLICK!"? Not "SPARC!" or "BANG!"? Mine made a loud firecracker sort of "BANG!" accompanied by a bright flash and the smell of burning plastic. > "D'OH!" I said. I told the CHYK "I think I just blew up my computer." > I went and told the scary devil systems administrator. He gave me a > BRAND NEW computer with TWICE as much memory and FASTER CPUs and stuff! But it also had TWICE AS MUCH LINT IN THE FAN! And Rod Serling explained this valuable moral lesson as the camera tilted up into the sky! > I went "YIPPEE!" and loaded up my desk with paper clips! Now, five years > later, I have a Beowulf Cluster computer made up of 1825 Cray XMPs. Yeah, well, *I* have a VCR with a backlit display. It's hard to watch TV because this brilliant cone of white light radiates out from the VCR. It casts shadows. (Really! Sony apparently decided the numbers would be easier to read if they were in a skinny black font against a white background that had the Sun behind it.) This makes me cooler than you because VCRs are cooler than computers because VCRs aren't computers so there nyah nyah nyah. > Also, I was surprised and slightly relieved that poking one end > of a paper clip into a 240V power supply while hanging onto the > other end didn't kill me. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!1! > ANOTHER DARING ESCAPE FROM THE JAWS OF DEATH! Big deal. The largest computer here has a live piranha next to it. -- K. He's probably older than many of the people reading alt.religion.kibology -- he's at least 20 and he's getting cataracts. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Boom! Short shameful tale of INCREDIBLE STUPIDITY Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2000 10:29:45 GMT References: <8pndg6$tdq$1@nnrp1.deja.com> Organization: http://www.kibo.com rob_lomax@my-deja.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, it finally happened -- I did something stupid! > > > > One of my computers (five years old, original cost $4400) has of late > > been making an intermittent buzzing noise which I figured was from > > debris whirling around inside the fan. > > Yadda yadda. This may sound (or, rather, read) like a stupid question, > but what are you doing playing around with your computer at this time > of night? I realise you "computer people" work non-traditional hours, > but really, I don't think this is wise. After all, you have a position > in cyber-society. You are Kibo, and this is Kibology, which makes you > our god. And I think I speak for everyone here when I say that I don't > want our god to get all tired and cranky because he's fooling around > with a truculent fan at 4am. Dear rob_lomax@my-deja.com who hasn't picked a Real Name, I broke the computer at only 2am, you bozo. The second episode of Conan O'Brien's cavalcade of reruns hadn't even started yet! Also, when have I been NOT tired and cranky? > Rob Lomax - Stop Moving in Mysterious Ways and Go to Bed! I will now that I've stayed up to 6am so that I could order a replacement computer within three minutes of the new models becoming available. (The prices went down $200 at 5:45am, which is when Steve Jobs introduced the new Slime Green iBook, which is not what I ordered -- I went for the two-CPU box with the 32MB graphics card.) I still hope to replace the power supply in the older computer, if possible, and use it for running tape backups or something. Also I need to replace my air mattress, but that's less important than getting some sort of high-capacity tape backup device. -- K. Tapes are EXPENSIVE! Unless they contain movies from the Band Brothers. In which case they're cheap... but still way overpriced. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Boom! Short shameful tale of INCREDIBLE STUPIDITY Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2000 21:00:55 GMT References: <8pndg6$tdq$1@nnrp1.deja.com> <39BF8F71.D0B8DD07@uoguelph.ca> Organization: welcome datacomp Doug Horne (dhorne@uoguelph.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also I need to replace my air mattress, but that's less important > > than getting some sort of high-capacity tape backup device. > > You haven't replaced that air mattress yet? No wonder you never sleep, > that thing deflated ages ago (I read the entire saga). It's currently about 25% inflated (that is, once your body starts touching the floor there are still pockets of air in the corners that won't get squeezed out) and I have a cushy sleeping bag on top of it. > See if you can't find some kind of extremely hi-tech air mattress that > can handle some ridiculous amount of air pressure and a velour-like > covering of yak-hair, I was considering a foam latex mattress, because I like natural foam latex (as in my marshmallow-like pillow) and because it would never, ever deflate, even after it goes rancid and crumbles 30 years later. > and comes with a 50 horsepower wire-guided, semi-intelligent, > automatic compressor. (Or just get to that camping supply store and > buy the damn Coleman one that that guy recommended in the saga). The Coleman pump that what-his-name recommended? As being silent? Instead of the one I have? Which screams "WOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" like a hillbilly being sucked through a jet engine? Is the same one? I have? That screams "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE". -- K. It's even louder than the fan in the computer that exploded. Except that was more like "WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR*BANG!*" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: still a VERY BAD IDEA, as I said a few months ago Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2000 09:04:23 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com From CNN's Web site: -> -> NBC strikes deal for 'Survivor' show in space -> -> NEW YORK (AP) -- NBC is hoping for a ratings liftoff from "Survivor" -> mastermind Mark Burnett. -> -> The network has agreed to pay nearly $40 million for the rights to -> Burnett's "Destination Mir," a reality series that would launch an -> everyday American into space for a rendezvous with the Russian space -> station Mir, according to Tuesday's Daily Variety. BAD IDEA! BAD SPINOFF RENDEZVOUSING WITH BAD SPACE STATION! BAD STUPID TV PUTTING PEOPLE ON BAD FRAGILE MOLDY EXPLODING SPACE STATION! Look, it was a bad idea to put a perkily-average schoolteacher on an American space shuttle. It is a much worse idea to focus your network's new fall lineup on putting their biggest star on an orbiting deathtrap that makes the space station in "Moonraker" look sturdy. -> The series would follow a group of would-be cosmonauts from space camp to -> launch pad over 13 to 15 episodes, culminating with a dramatic live -> broadcast in which a winner is picked and sent into space. No episode showing the guy's return has been planned. -> The $35 million-to-$40 million price tag includes the nearly $20 million -> Burnett will pay to MirCorp, a Russian company that has leased the use of -> the space station from RSC Energia, the private firm which now controls -> what was once the Soviet space program, Daily Variety reports. Yeah, I'm sure Mir is no longer the deathtrap it was when it was controlled by the evil empire. Now it's controlled by a company not unlike that company which bought the assets of all the big pinball companies when they went out of business simulatenously last year. Pinball's still alive! In the form of that one company run by that guy! That company that might someday produce a pinball machine! So yes, I'm sure Mir is in even better shape than it was back when it used to nearly explode every few days when the REAL Soviets ran it. -> NBC hasn't scheduled the series yet, Daily Variety said, although it -> quoted the network's entertainment president Garth Ancier as aiming for a -> fall 2001 premiere, with the actual launch into space taking place by -> early 2002. But the premiere will be eclipsed by the events aboard the spaceship Discovery, when the onboard HAL 9000 computer goes insane and starts hyping dumb "reality" shows. -> The series would follow the contestants through space boot camp, with one -> participant eliminated every week by Russian space officials. Will they say "Why don't you take a giant leap for mankind?" before shoving the guy out an airlock? That would be cool, just like in "Moonraker" except without Roger Moore or his toupee. (His toupee looked even worse in "Canadian Bacon".) -> The live, two-hour conclusion would gather several finalists on a -> launch pad, where the winner would be announced and then climb aboard -> a Soyuz space capsule for the 10-day round trip. "We'll launch rain or shine, because the launch time was printed in TV Guide!" -> Burnett, who cooked up the series, gave CBS sky-high ratings this summer -> with his 13-episode "Survivor," in which 16 volunteer castaways were -> marooned on a tropical isle, where they competed on camera for a $1 -> million prize. -> -> Copyright 2000 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material -> may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Hey! I just found a loophole! CBS put that same legal notice on "Survivor"! That means they were never allowed to broadcast it in the first place! "Survivor" never existed! THERE IS NO BAD TV I AM NOT LISTENING I AM NOT LISTENING DOIDYDOIDYDOIDYDOIDYDOIDYDOIDYDOIDYDOIDY -- K. Eagerly awaiting other reality sci-fi shows like "Dragnet In Space", which would have a theme song along the lines of "DUM DA DUM DUM... ZAP!"