Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: traditional Russian wisdom Date: Mon, 11 Sep 2000 23:07:05 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp WHOOSH! Kontext-Away eradicates an entire CNN news story except for the funny sentence! ---> "It would be absurd to try to stop Russians from picking mushrooms," ---> said Maxim Safonov, a biologist and mushroom specialist in the central ---> Russian region of Orenburg. Remember, kids! Don't try to stop Russians from picking mushrooms! Or they'll nuke you! -- K. Or at least drop a submarine on you. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Puzzling commercial #20000904a. Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2000 05:06:06 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Zixia (chiba@btinternet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm still amazed by that woman Jay Leno asked how many letters > > were in the English alphabet. She asked if she could take a moment > > to count, [...] Then she said "31". > > There used to be a sociopathic moron working at the desk next to me, who > once boasted that he could write all 24 letters of the alphabet. Then the two of them married and gave birth to an average child who grew up to know all 27.5 letters of the alphabet. -- K. I wonder what the records for the maximum and minimum number of letters of the alphabet as counted by stupid people are. I don't know about the upper limit, but the lower limit is 3 ("A, B, and Many.") ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Boom! Short shameful tale of INCREDIBLE STUPIDITY Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2000 07:54:41 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Well, it finally happened -- I did something stupid! One of my computers (five years old, original cost $4400) has of late been making an intermittent buzzing noise which I figured was from debris whirling around inside the fan. So, I decided to try the usual "gently stop the fan from spinning for a few seconds by poking a toothpick into the back of it, to see if the noise stops" trick which has worked so well in the past. Except that on this particular computer, the slots in the back are not directly in front of the power supply's fan... they are in front of a large unshielded piece of copper carrying line voltage, and the fan is somewhere deep within the computer, nowhere near the outside air. And my second mistake -- the only handy object to poke into where I thought the fan was, was... metal. So, there was a loud "BANG!" and sparks shot out of the back of my beloved old computer. DO NOT POKE POINTY METAL OBJECTS INTO PARTS OF YOUR COMPUTER WHICH CARRY HIGH VOLTAGE, HAVE NO INSULATION, AND ARE NOWHERE NEAR FANS!!! I'm going to try to buy a new power supply for this computer ($300-$350 for such a specialized power supply -- this isn't a plain old ATX power supply) because even though this computer is a bit old, it still makes a fine network server, and it does video frame-grabs better than most newer equipment (it has some Philips video circuitry which does true 640x480 60-FIELDS-per-second playthrough from NTSC or S-Video, not the usual 320x240 30-frames-per-second you get in little video capture cards) and, frankly, it's still fast enough for all ordinary computing tasks (275 MHz RISC processor, can play Unreal at 640x480 with all normal special effects enabled... without a 3D accelerator. I think this was the last computer ever to have no 3D acceleration, but it has wicked good 2D acceleration... the main memory bus is 128 bits wide, by the way -- a feature that made a big difference back when motherboards and RAM were relatively slow.) Anyway, I'm going to see if I can save this relic. Also, it has the complete alt.religion.kibology archive on it; I did a full backup of the computer a couple of weeks ago, so only the last couple weeks are on its disks, and I expect the two SCSI disks weren't harmed when I exploded the power supply. I wanted to migrate my files to a pair of rackmount disk servers I was planning to buy, but I may have to wind up spending the money on a new computer instead if this power supply isn't the only part that was damaged by the Big Zap. But I assume in any case the files are intact and I won't have to call in a data recovery company to retrieve last week's alt.religion.kibology articles and sell the other data on my drives to the Chinese without telling me. -- K. I've gotten so good at pulling drives out of this weird snaptogether case that this time I didn't even get bloody after dismantling it. (The whole computer is held together by one screw and the incredible force of fifty-eight million pounds of spring clamp tension. If you start pulling out a drive, there is a 50% chance it will slip out of your grasp and THWACK!!! back into place. So, to get it out, you have to pull really really really hard with hand A while prying open a clamp with hand B while sticking your fingers through tiny slots in this plastic frame shaped like Escher's "Belvedere".) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Boom! Short shameful tale of INCREDIBLE STUPIDITY Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2000 10:29:45 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com rob_lomax@my-deja.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, it finally happened -- I did something stupid! > > > > One of my computers (five years old, original cost $4400) has of late > > been making an intermittent buzzing noise which I figured was from > > debris whirling around inside the fan. > > Yadda yadda. This may sound (or, rather, read) like a stupid question, > but what are you doing playing around with your computer at this time > of night? I realise you "computer people" work non-traditional hours, > but really, I don't think this is wise. After all, you have a position > in cyber-society. You are Kibo, and this is Kibology, which makes you > our god. And I think I speak for everyone here when I say that I don't > want our god to get all tired and cranky because he's fooling around > with a truculent fan at 4am. Dear rob_lomax@my-deja.com who hasn't picked a Real Name, I broke the computer at only 2am, you bozo. The second episode of Conan O'Brien's cavalcade of reruns hadn't even started yet! Also, when have I been NOT tired and cranky? > Rob Lomax - Stop Moving in Mysterious Ways and Go to Bed! I will now that I've stayed up to 6am so that I could order a replacement computer within three minutes of the new models becoming available. (The prices went down $200 at 5:45am, which is when Steve Jobs introduced the new Slime Green iBook, which is not what I ordered -- I went for the two-CPU box with the 32MB graphics card.) I still hope to replace the power supply in the older computer, if possible, and use it for running tape backups or something. Also I need to replace my air mattress, but that's less important than getting some sort of high-capacity tape backup device. -- K. Tapes are EXPENSIVE! Unless they contain movies from the Band Brothers. In which case they're cheap... but still way overpriced. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Boom! Short shameful tale of INCREDIBLE STUPIDITY Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2000 21:00:55 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Doug Horne (dhorne@uoguelph.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also I need to replace my air mattress, but that's less important > > than getting some sort of high-capacity tape backup device. > > You haven't replaced that air mattress yet? No wonder you never sleep, > that thing deflated ages ago (I read the entire saga). It's currently about 25% inflated (that is, once your body starts touching the floor there are still pockets of air in the corners that won't get squeezed out) and I have a cushy sleeping bag on top of it. > See if you can't find some kind of extremely hi-tech air mattress that > can handle some ridiculous amount of air pressure and a velour-like > covering of yak-hair, I was considering a foam latex mattress, because I like natural foam latex (as in my marshmallow-like pillow) and because it would never, ever deflate, even after it goes rancid and crumbles 30 years later. > and comes with a 50 horsepower wire-guided, semi-intelligent, > automatic compressor. (Or just get to that camping supply store and > buy the damn Coleman one that that guy recommended in the saga). The Coleman pump that what-his-name recommended? As being silent? Instead of the one I have? Which screams "WOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" like a hillbilly being sucked through a jet engine? Is the same one? I have? That screams "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE". -- K. It's even louder than the fan in the computer that exploded. Except that was more like "WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR*BANG!*" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: still a VERY BAD IDEA, as I said a few months ago Date: Wed, 13 Sep 2000 09:04:23 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com From CNN's Web site: -> -> NBC strikes deal for 'Survivor' show in space -> -> NEW YORK (AP) -- NBC is hoping for a ratings liftoff from "Survivor" -> mastermind Mark Burnett. -> -> The network has agreed to pay nearly $40 million for the rights to -> Burnett's "Destination Mir," a reality series that would launch an -> everyday American into space for a rendezvous with the Russian space -> station Mir, according to Tuesday's Daily Variety. BAD IDEA! BAD SPINOFF RENDEZVOUSING WITH BAD SPACE STATION! BAD STUPID TV PUTTING PEOPLE ON BAD FRAGILE MOLDY EXPLODING SPACE STATION! Look, it was a bad idea to put a perkily-average schoolteacher on an American space shuttle. It is a much worse idea to focus your network's new fall lineup on putting their biggest star on an orbiting deathtrap that makes the space station in "Moonraker" look sturdy. -> The series would follow a group of would-be cosmonauts from space camp to -> launch pad over 13 to 15 episodes, culminating with a dramatic live -> broadcast in which a winner is picked and sent into space. No episode showing the guy's return has been planned. -> The $35 million-to-$40 million price tag includes the nearly $20 million -> Burnett will pay to MirCorp, a Russian company that has leased the use of -> the space station from RSC Energia, the private firm which now controls -> what was once the Soviet space program, Daily Variety reports. Yeah, I'm sure Mir is no longer the deathtrap it was when it was controlled by the evil empire. Now it's controlled by a company not unlike that company which bought the assets of all the big pinball companies when they went out of business simulatenously last year. Pinball's still alive! In the form of that one company run by that guy! That company that might someday produce a pinball machine! So yes, I'm sure Mir is in even better shape than it was back when it used to nearly explode every few days when the REAL Soviets ran it. -> NBC hasn't scheduled the series yet, Daily Variety said, although it -> quoted the network's entertainment president Garth Ancier as aiming for a -> fall 2001 premiere, with the actual launch into space taking place by -> early 2002. But the premiere will be eclipsed by the events aboard the spaceship Discovery, when the onboard HAL 9000 computer goes insane and starts hyping dumb "reality" shows. -> The series would follow the contestants through space boot camp, with one -> participant eliminated every week by Russian space officials. Will they say "Why don't you take a giant leap for mankind?" before shoving the guy out an airlock? That would be cool, just like in "Moonraker" except without Roger Moore or his toupee. (His toupee looked even worse in "Canadian Bacon".) -> The live, two-hour conclusion would gather several finalists on a -> launch pad, where the winner would be announced and then climb aboard -> a Soyuz space capsule for the 10-day round trip. "We'll launch rain or shine, because the launch time was printed in TV Guide!" -> Burnett, who cooked up the series, gave CBS sky-high ratings this summer -> with his 13-episode "Survivor," in which 16 volunteer castaways were -> marooned on a tropical isle, where they competed on camera for a $1 -> million prize. -> -> Copyright 2000 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material -> may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Hey! I just found a loophole! CBS put that same legal notice on "Survivor"! That means they were never allowed to broadcast it in the first place! "Survivor" never existed! THERE IS NO BAD TV I AM NOT LISTENING I AM NOT LISTENING DOIDYDOIDYDOIDYDOIDYDOIDYDOIDYDOIDYDOIDY -- K. Eagerly awaiting other reality sci-fi shows like "Dragnet In Space", which would have a theme song along the lines of "DUM DA DUM DUM... ZAP!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Nobody else here can claim to have rented "Outta Control" twice. Date: Sun, 17 Sep 2000 05:56:35 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I have temporary posession (thanks to a three-dollar rental fee) of what the video clerk agreed likely the only existing videotape of the movie "Outta Control", filmed in Saugus, Massachusetts. Well, actually, it was filmed between Boston's Logan Airport and Saugus, because at one point this guy drives from the airport to Saugus, which takes about half an hour, and in the movie it takes about half an hour, because the bozo just pointed the camera out the car window and drove there. This movie is like "Manos: The Hands Of Fate" except without the Hands Of Fate and without the spastic beatnik who gets his hand burned off and especially without the women wrestling in their underwear. But "Outta Control" has more footage of trees going past the window than even "Manos". It's something about how some guy saves the world from terrorists who have built a chemical weapon (which is represented by an orange Rubbermaid trash can with some push-buttons glued to it) when he knocks over their headquarters (a Fotomat) with a bulldozer, or something. It's hard to tell. It's rather blurry and even more boring than blurry. "Outta Control" is to "Manos: The Hands Of Fate" what "Plan 9 From Outer Space" is to "Citizen Kane". I can safely say that there are no packaged, available-for-rental movies more poorly made than this. Even pornos. I mean, they were actually trying in some scenes, but that just makes it sadder. I cannot find any evidence of this movie on the Internet. It's not listed in the Internet Movie Database (www.imdb.com), a Google search for "Outta Control" turned up no relevant links, and neither did a search for "Steven V. Thomas", the man who committed this atrocity. Can any of you folks prove to me that there was ever more than one copy made of this movie? Actually, I assume there must have been at least four at one time. I know it was made in Saugus because the copy I'm holding has a Post-It Note on the front which says "FILMED IN SAUGUS", and City Video has four locations, one of which is in Saugus, so I assume that Steven V. Thomas was friends with Mr. City Video and sold the video store four copies. (I got mine at the Back Bay location; I've never seen it at the Porter Square location; I haven't been to the Saugus or Provincetown locations.) Plus, the cover was printed on a color Xerox, which means that it must have been Xeroxed _from_ something, ergo, at least two covers exist. But I wouldn't be surprised if the other ones have been shredded and recycled into hamster shavings or some other useful by-product of tiny scraps of videotape which were once contaminated by an hour and fifteen minutes of sub-"Manos"-quality movie. I tell you, if the "Agent Action" guy ever actually made his "Agent Action" movie, it would be a hundred times better than this. I hereby challenge you to prove that anyone other than me (and the guy who made it) has ever watched this movie all the way through, or that if I were to accidentally drop this tape into the sewer it would not mean the destruction of the only copy of this masterpiece. -- K. The movie "Outta Control" is not to be confused with "She's Out Of Control", a Tony Danza film which scored less than one star in Roger Ebert's column. I like Roger Ebert. Especially when he discovers a really bad movie. Anyone have his address so I can send him this movie with a note saying "TOP THIS, ROGER!"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: William Blair Needs Music! (was Re: Nobody else here can claim to have rented "Outta Control" twice.) Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2000 19:34:42 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > Ricky Morse (rem14@cornell.edu) wrote: > > > > [on William Blair's desperate plea for music for his movie masterpieces, > > posted at http://www.cybamall.com/music ] > > > > I especially like the note "You may submit compositions/ songs of any > > length. They can easily be edited to fit a scene." > > > > If I'm going to submit my timeless masterpiece to him, he better not cut > > out the entrance of the fourth subject! That would totally destroy the > > parallelisms between the first and second movements... > > Yeah, and don't forget about how it might distract attention > from the BEAUTIFUL NUDE WOMEN WITH GIANT BREASTS that you > liberally sprinkle throughout your pieces. PLEASE NEVER AGAIN use the phrase "liberally sprinkle throughout" in conjunction with William Blair. Now I'm going to have nightmares about William Blair making movies with titles like "Agent Incontinent Bladder Action, Now With Extra Sprinkles" which can only be sold at that store that has all the windows painted opaque purple. > Speaking of pieces, is that *him* with the handgun in the ad > poster on the Web site?? Angels and ministers of grace defend > us, he's even dorkier looking than I *ever* expected! For those of you who haven't seen it, he looks like Mr. Bean trying to fill in for David Hasselhoff in the 17th season of "Knight Rider". -- K. Okay, I got another one for that photo: "William Blair IS Jack Wild AS Oscar Wilde!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: William Blair Needs Music! (was Re: Nobody else here can claim to have rented "Outta Control" twice.) Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2000 19:25:30 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > Michael Straight (straight@email.unc.edu) wrote: > > > > Mr. Blair [director of "Agent Action", a movie which may not exist] > > has a whole suite of fine webpages, all of which show the same three > > promotional posters/banners against a variety of bad bad lurid > > bad backgrounds [...] > > Okay, here's the question: > > If I use this contact info to order a VHS copy of one of these > movies, should I actually have it sent to my own address, or > should I have it sent directly to Kibo? > > I mean, I bet Kibo could write an even more vicious review of > "Agent Action" than I could. Sure! I promise that when I have a chance I will post a scene-by-scene deconstruction of "Outta Control". I want to do that for "Baby Geniuses" someday, too. Except that I want to do it without having to watch "Baby Geniuses". Could someone please ghostwrite a scene-by-scene transcription of "Baby Geniuses" for me? > But maybe I want to get a look at all those NUDE BLONDE NAKED > LARGE-BREASTED SUPERMODEL NAKED BREAST NUDE NAKED BLONDE WOMEN BREASTS > NAKED WOMEN B00BIES BREASTS SUPERMODELS NAKED NUDE BLONDE BIG BOOBS > BREASTS NAKED NUDE SUPERMODELS NAKED WOMEN NUDE MODELS myself before > passing it on to Leader. Somehow I imagine the sort of women who would fall onto William Blair's casting couch would look more like Ed Wood in drag. > p.s. This post is going to get more hits on the search engines > than anything else I've ever posted. It won't compare to what would happen if I used a few phrases like "gay Batman in peanut butter-filled diapers" or "gumikrankenschwester who is drinking free beer" or "download nude pirated .MP3 warez" in a followup to your article. But note that, to keep the Internet's backbone cable from groaning under the strain of all those September newbies fishing for perverted filth, this article MENTIONS NO CHILD PORN. Ha! By not mentioning child porn, I am now going to get all the hits on "child porn" AND "no child porn"! I am a genius at fooling idiots into looking for illegal porn where there is none! -- K. P.S. There's a lot on www.microsoft.com. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: William Blair Needs Music! (was Re: Nobody else here can claim to have rented "Outta Control" twice.) Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2000 19:14:34 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Michael Straight (straight@email.unc.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I tell you, if the "Agent Action" guy ever actually made his > > "Agent Action" movie, it would be a hundred times better than this. > > Well, how can he, when he can't find the right music? > > [some things that William Blair, the "Agent Action" guy, needs... > excerpted from his Web page:] > > -> 1. Heavy dramatic villain theme. ( min length 25 seconds) ( strings > -> and orchestration good) ( feeling of evil, dread, suspense good) RRR! SUSPENSE GOOD! HULK LIKE TWIST ENDINGS! BUT HULK NOT LIKE BRAINY INTELLECTUAL PLOTS THAT ARE HARD FOR HULK TO UNDERSTAND, LIKE "INCREDIBLE HULK" CARTOONS! BUT HULK LIKE "AGENT ACTION"! > -> 6. Hero theme with defiant / triumphant feel. (Soaring lead guitar.) I just hope he doesn't cut away between the part where the guitar soars through the air and the part where it smashes into the brick wall and shatters. > -> 7. Suspense music: Eire and weird So that's "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling" played on a Theremin? > -> 8. Suspense music: big city anticipation "Yikes! A big city is sneaking up on us!" > -> 11. Strange Suspense music: caught in a nightmare feel. Just play the opening theme again. The audience will flee the theater in terror thinking the movie is starting over! > -> 20. Australian feel love song ( out in the wilds mate) My cousin's friend has a tape of an Outback Steakhouse commercial you can borrow but he really needs it back. > -> 24. Hendrix type guitar riffing ( 20 second fill : spacy revelations ) iMac commercial, check. "Look! The mouse just got rounder! BWAWAWAWMMNNN!!" > -> 29. Song for a sea montage /Vibrations at the sea ( rejuvenating new > -> wave? ) Shampoo commercial, check. "Aaaaaaiiiieeee! The left side is TINGLING!" > -> 33 End of scene fill: "I won. But it was bittersweet, ambivalent feel" I would suggest hiring Archimedes Plutonium to write new bittersweet, butterscotchy, coconutty lyrics to one of his hymns about how God makes his heart fill with love and candy. (Someday Archie is going to stagger into an emergency room groaning, "GOD FILLED MY HEART WITH NOUGAT!" and everyone will think he's just joking until it's TOO LATE, because hearts can't chew nougat.) > He's also casting for "Cyber Cowboy: Helfire is Comin'!"! And he needs > "MTV/ Matrix Style" cinematographers. But he'll GET "Home Shopping Network Style" cinematographers. > And "Animal Trainers - + Big cats / reptiles / Bugs / Birds"!! The "Agent Action" guy wouldn't know a trained bug if he ate one. > Warning: "William has been represented by the most powerful agency in > Hollywood." Scientology? -- K. I hear they secretly plotted to make "Battlefield Earth" flop just to fool people into thinking they don't control Hollywood completely. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The videocassette sleeve of "Outta Control" Date: Sun, 17 Sep 2000 07:20:06 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [ ---- the front of the box ---- ] [picture of woman standing in a shower looking mildly worried or confused] [picture of a bearded biker dude holding a Bowie knife] [24pt purple letters printed from a 12pt Helvetica Black _bitmap_ font:] OUTTA CONTROL [faded picture of an old car with an all-white flour-like explosion coming out of some of its windows] Terrorism will never be the same again (C) 1990 A production of Steven V. Thomas Enterprises [picture of a guy with sunglasses and a rifle. One of his arms is bandaged over his leather jacket, with red crayon scribbles on the bandage] [picture of a curly-haired woman in an acid-washed denim jacket with long fringe tassels all over it, standing next to a guy holding a pistol] (C) SVT [Post-It Note added by video store, written in pencil:] FILMED IN SAUGUS [ ---- the back of the box ---- ] [all defective punctuation is transcribed exactly] WHAT WOULD YOU DO? IF AN INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST GROUP KILLED YOUR HUSBAND AND WERE HOLDING YOUR PARENTS HOSTAGE TO MAKE YOU COOPERATE WITH THE GROUPS' PLOT TO KIDNAP A U.S. SENATOR? WHAT WOULD YOU DO? [blurry trapezoidal picture IF YOU HAD INFORMATION A GROUP OF of some guy's face] TERRORISTS NEEDED TO PREVENT THE ANNIHILATION OF THEIR ENTIRE ORGANIZATION WHAT WOULD YOU DO? IF THEY HELD YOU HOSTAGE AND PUMPED [blurry picture of a guy pressing YOU UP WITH DRUGS TO TELL ALL! OR his forearm against the back of RISK THE TOTAL DEVASTATION OF YOUR another guy's neck] COMMUNITY BY A CHEMICAL BOMB!! WHAT WOULD YOU DO? YOUR TOWN IS INFILTRATED BY TERRORISTS WHO CUT THE PHONE LINES, ELECTRONICALLY JAM YOUR RADIO FREQUENCIES, THEN KILL THE SHERIFF AND THE SENATOR'S SECURITY FORCE. CAN ANYBODY STOP THEM??? NOW THAT EVERYTHING HAS GONE TOTALLY OUTTA CONTROL! MADE IN THE U.S.A. (C) 1990 SVT A PRODUCTION OF STEVEN V. THOMAS ENTERPRISES [ ---- end of the box blather ---- ] Yes, I own several videos with crappier blather on the back than this, but they're all significantly better movies. -- K. That includes Bill Rebane's "Invasion From The Inner Earth". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Nobody else here can claim to have rented "Outta Control" twice. Date: Sun, 17 Sep 2000 07:00:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [concerning a movie a thousand times less popular than "Baby Geniuses"] Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I like Roger Ebert. Especially when he discovers a really bad movie. > > > > Anyone have his address so I can send him this movie with a note > > saying "TOP THIS, ROGER!"? > > It's the Internet. Ebert's become all interactive and stuff. > See http://www.suntimes.com/ebert because that contains his > "Movie Answer Man" column. However, he's apparently becoming > deluged with email, as he has set up a bunch of rules to try > to keep down the noise level: http://www.suntimes.com/ebert/email.html That page says: "I am receiving hundreds of e-mails a day, most of them clearly ignoring the 'rules' printed below. There is no staff to handle them. I cannot personally deal with them all." AW POOR BABY! THAT'S HUNDREDS OF TIMES AS MUCH AS UNIMPORTANT PEOPLE LIKE PRESIDENTS GET! AND IT TAKES UP SO MUCH TIME PERSONALLY REPLYING TO EVERY ONE OF THEM LIKE INTERNET LAW REQUIRES YOU TO DO! YOU CAN'T JUST IGNORE ALL THE STUPID ONES OR YOU'LL GO TO INTERNET JAIL! First he complains that most of the people on the Internet are bozos, then he tells me to go talk to them instead of him: "10. I cannot read or critique your movie reviews. Post them to a newsgroup and benefit from general feedback." BUT, ROGER, THAT'S WHAT I JUST DID! I DON'T WANT THOSE OTHER IDIOTS TO READ IT, I WANT YOU TO READ IT, YOU ASSJACK! -- K. I don't think he spends much time to read the newsgroups now that people have caught on to his pseudonym ("Gharlane"). ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Dumbest person on the Internet causes ethical dilemma. Date: Sun, 17 Sep 2000 06:45:39 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Okay, let's say there's this guy in Florida who decides to use his credit card to sign up for a $30 membership at a porno Web site. And although the guy gives them his credit card to pay for his porno password, he doesn't want to receive any E-mail spam, so he tells them to mail his password to... a bogus E-mail address. And being very stupid, he picks "webmaster@{VON}.com". (Here the abbreviation "{VON}" stands for "Very Obvious Name which is already in use somewhere by people who aren't this idiot in Florida". You know, along the lines of "webmaster@earth.com" or "webmaster@planet.com". The idiot not only chose not to give out his real E-mail address when he needed to, he gave out an E-mail address which anyone with half a brain cell would know was already in use. (And probably by someone who knows how to use the Internet.) This "webmaster@{VON}.com" address is routed to a group of people, including me, so that he's just paid $30 to give _me_ his porno password. And he's not going to know what to do about it, because he won't know what phone number to call to resolve this because the instructions are in his receipt, which (I can't emphasize this enough) he took great pains to have sent to us instead of to him. He'll never know anything happened until he sees the charge on his credit-card statement, assuming he notices it mixed in with all the other charges accrued by his Internet porn habit. Efficient use of {VON}.com's corporate resources requires that I not get on the phone and try tracking down this bozo in Florida to discuss his porn habits ("About your porn habit... oh, is your daddy home?") and make him beg for his password, because I can't spend my time (and the company's long-distance phone fees) trying to assist someone who isn't even a potential customer of ours, and has probably already increased the amount of spam "webmaster@{VON}.com" receives. (Which, incidentally, is a lot more than the amount of spam you get.) Even though the message included his postal address and what could be (or might not be) his home phone number are on this receipt, he's not getting any help from us. So this leaves me with two choices -- either ignore his porno password which is staring me in the face, or go get some porn. I'm not going to use his porno account, because that would be sleazy of me, and besides, I'm sure they just have the same damn pictures that keep flowing through Usenet over and over (until someone discovers a new back issue of Hustler to scan in.) But, hypothetically speaking, would it be _legally_ wrong to use this password? Would it be a crime, given that he deliberately requested that it be mailed to me? Conventional postal regulations tell us (through public-service TV commercials) that if someone mails us a package we didn't order, we can keep it (to prevent various scams.) And I would assume that it could be argued that E-mail is analogous. However, it's also clear that this password was not _intended_ for my use, although it was also _deliberately directed_ to me (and various officemates.) So, what of it, folks? Although I swear I'm not going to use this Florida guy's password (because pay-per-porn porn is even lamer than the free porn on the Internet), and I won't tell the nitwit what his expensive password is, what would the legal experts in the audience guess would be the laws governing the little surprise I received in my mailbox? And do you agree that this bozo is the single dumbest person ever to use a credit card on the Internet? -- K. I also get lots of misdirected mail marked "SECRET". This one wasn't, so I can discuss it with you people, unlike the plan for managing chemical spills in Russia, which was marked "SECRET" so I won't mention it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: laffter. Date: Mon, 18 Sep 2000 02:26:00 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > You know what I just realized? > > If I had been there when Kibo stuck that paper clip into the computer > and blown it up, even if he had been electrocuted, BUT if he had been > allright.... > > I probably would have locked myself in the bathroom and laughed > hysterically. It wasn't a paper clip, it was a pair of teeny little safety scissors, the kind that can go up your nose or in your ear or in the back of your computer. But yes, I am gratified that someone has figured out that I blew up my old computer just to entertain you guys! I BET LENNY BRUCE NEVER DID THAT!!! -- K. Now, Nick, the paper clip I have here is for a different worthwhile purpose... Bring your "South Park" inflatable chair closer... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Nearly one third of Americans fail to wash hands after using restroom Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2000 16:19:57 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp l'AFP reported: > > TORONTO, Sept 18 (AFP) - Almost one third of US citizens do not > wash their hands after using a public restroom, according to a study > published Monday by the American Society of Microbiology on Monday. And they felt that this news was so shocking and horrifying that they had to announce it in Toronto so as to avoid being torn limb from limb by rioting Americans who are deeply offended when their country's personal hygeine is insulted. Of course, Americans were too busy watching an endless stream of mouthwash commercials on TV to do that. > By posting observers in public restrooms, the study found that > only 67 percent of people actually wash their hands after paying a > visit to a public bathroom -- this despite the fact that 95 percent > of people told the survey they usually washed their hands. Well, yes. 95% of people USUALLY wash their hands. As in about two-thirds of the time. DUH! > The study was conducted on behalf of the ASM's Clean Hands Campaign Gee, I wonder if this was public service was underwritten by any huge multi-national conglomerates whose logos include a moon and 13 little pentagrams and 666 microscopic copies of the word "SEX". > and published at its Interscience Conference on Antimicrobial Agents > and Chemotherapy (ICAAC) here. What does soap have to do with chemotherapy? "Young man, you've got a potty mouth AND cancer! I'm gonna wash your mouth out with soap and swallow it! That'll cure both problems!" > It observed 7,836 people in public restrooms in New York, > Atlanta, New Orleans, Chicago and San Francisco, and carried out > telephone interviews with 1,021 other adults. "No, sir, I'm just staring at you in the men's room for valid reasons. I'm not gay, I'm a scientist! We're strictly asexual." > Observers found that those least likely to wash in public > restrooms were men in Atlanta, while those most likely to wash were > women in Chicago. > Women were in general cleaner than men, the sur. Beg par? > Fifty-four percent of women said they wash after petting a dog or cat, > while only 36 percent of men said they do so. And 86 percent of women, > compared to 70 percent of men, said they would wash their hands > after handling a diaper. So are grown men who wear diapers 70% or 95% likely to wash their hands after going to the bathroom? I'm gonna start wearing a diaper so I won't be expected to wash my hands as often! > Disturbingly, the findings showed that hand-washing was lower > than it was four years ago. Disturbingly, the findings were deemed worthy of publication by a national wire-service. > "While it may seem amusing at first, this is really a very > serious issue. We really need to help the public understand the > significance of these findings and the importance of hand washing," > said Secretary of the American Society of Microbiology (ASM), Judy Daly. Then she slipped on a banana peel and DIED!!! It seemed amusing at first. But then I went and did something else and forgot all about it. -- K. Then I remembered it again later and I giggled and that kind of ruined the funeral. But that reminded me of a "Mary Tyler Moore Show" episode and I acted the whole plot out and everyone else at the funeral started laughing. Then there was a big cream-pie fight. Guess you hadda be there! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Nearly one third of Americans fail to wash hands after using restroom Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2000 18:47:19 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > > > The really annoying part to me is the absurd notion of "washing > > your hands" that some people have. Yeah, hold them under a > > spritz of water for 0.0000001 seconds, that'll really get rid > > of all that hepatitis A and coliform bacteria and everything > > else you're trying not to spread to the rest of the people in > > the world. > > I've griped about this forever. My ex used to "spritz" his hands only if he > knew I was within hearing distance of the tap. Otherwise, he wouldn't > bother at all. I know 'cause I caught him many times. Now I don't go nuts > and scrub the top layer of skin off of my hands after I go to the loo but I > at least use SOAP and hot water. Okay, I'm adding two more check marks to the count of "People who brag about washing their hands, but such claims cannot be scientifically verified until I get my government grant to put hand-washing-detector-cams in every public or private restroom in the world." The trillions of dollars this will cost will be well worth it if we can get even ONE law passed which says that if you don't wash your hands, you'll go to DIRTY JAIL!!! -- K. Also known as "The Greyhound Bus Station." P.S. Remember how the last thing Chris Elliot did before fleeing "Saturday Night Live" was a sketch where he installed penis-measurement devices in every urinal in the world and was then gunned down? Well, ex-"SNL" star Norm MacDonald's lame sitcom is now being promoted by TALKING penis-measurement devices installed above urinals. Now men around the world will say to themselves, "Hey! I should watch that show that has the loudmouth guy who PERSONALLY insulted my penis at the airport through the miracle of a waist-level motion detector connected to a little greeting-card-quality voice chip which is programmed to insult penises all day, every day!" This is further evidence that in our society, women get all the breaks!