Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Nobody else here can claim to have rented "Outta Control" twice. Date: Sun, 17 Sep 2000 05:56:35 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I have temporary posession (thanks to a three-dollar rental fee) of what the video clerk agreed likely the only existing videotape of the movie "Outta Control", filmed in Saugus, Massachusetts. Well, actually, it was filmed between Boston's Logan Airport and Saugus, because at one point this guy drives from the airport to Saugus, which takes about half an hour, and in the movie it takes about half an hour, because the bozo just pointed the camera out the car window and drove there. This movie is like "Manos: The Hands Of Fate" except without the Hands Of Fate and without the spastic beatnik who gets his hand burned off and especially without the women wrestling in their underwear. But "Outta Control" has more footage of trees going past the window than even "Manos". It's something about how some guy saves the world from terrorists who have built a chemical weapon (which is represented by an orange Rubbermaid trash can with some push-buttons glued to it) when he knocks over their headquarters (a Fotomat) with a bulldozer, or something. It's hard to tell. It's rather blurry and even more boring than blurry. "Outta Control" is to "Manos: The Hands Of Fate" what "Plan 9 From Outer Space" is to "Citizen Kane". I can safely say that there are no packaged, available-for-rental movies more poorly made than this. Even pornos. I mean, they were actually trying in some scenes, but that just makes it sadder. I cannot find any evidence of this movie on the Internet. It's not listed in the Internet Movie Database (www.imdb.com), a Google search for "Outta Control" turned up no relevant links, and neither did a search for "Steven V. Thomas", the man who committed this atrocity. Can any of you folks prove to me that there was ever more than one copy made of this movie? Actually, I assume there must have been at least four at one time. I know it was made in Saugus because the copy I'm holding has a Post-It Note on the front which says "FILMED IN SAUGUS", and City Video has four locations, one of which is in Saugus, so I assume that Steven V. Thomas was friends with Mr. City Video and sold the video store four copies. (I got mine at the Back Bay location; I've never seen it at the Porter Square location; I haven't been to the Saugus or Provincetown locations.) Plus, the cover was printed on a color Xerox, which means that it must have been Xeroxed _from_ something, ergo, at least two covers exist. But I wouldn't be surprised if the other ones have been shredded and recycled into hamster shavings or some other useful by-product of tiny scraps of videotape which were once contaminated by an hour and fifteen minutes of sub-"Manos"-quality movie. I tell you, if the "Agent Action" guy ever actually made his "Agent Action" movie, it would be a hundred times better than this. I hereby challenge you to prove that anyone other than me (and the guy who made it) has ever watched this movie all the way through, or that if I were to accidentally drop this tape into the sewer it would not mean the destruction of the only copy of this masterpiece. -- K. The movie "Outta Control" is not to be confused with "She's Out Of Control", a Tony Danza film which scored less than one star in Roger Ebert's column. I like Roger Ebert. Especially when he discovers a really bad movie. Anyone have his address so I can send him this movie with a note saying "TOP THIS, ROGER!"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: William Blair Needs Music! (was Re: Nobody else here can claim to have rented "Outta Control" twice.) Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 04:50:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [re the "movies" William Blair is always "casting", such as "Agent Action"] Michael Straight (straight@email.unc.edu) wrote: > > Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > > > If I use this contact info to order a VHS copy of one of these > > movies, should I actually have it sent to my own address, or > > should I have it sent directly to Kibo? > > A deep metaphysical question: Would Kibo do a better job of making fun of > an imaginary movie that never gets sent to him or an imaginary movie that > never gets sent to somebody else? > > A deep ethical question: Would it be morally wrong for Kibo to make fun > of an imaginary movie that was ordered on some bozo's credit card but > addresed to Kibo instead? Does the answer change if the imaginary movie > never actually arrives? But then how would I know whether it was imaginary? I might mistakenly assume it was a REAL movie that never arrived! And I'd write a BOZO review of a REAL IMAGINARY movie instead of an IMAGINARY REAL movie! And Roger Ebert would point at me and giggle, "Ha ha! You're an even worse critic than Michael Medved!" And that would hurt my feelings, unless it was just an imaginary version of Roger Ebert, in which case it would only hurt my imaginary feelings. -- K. Please post the names of some imaginary movies and I'll review the best ones. Also please tell me which ones are the best ones. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: William Blair Needs Music! (was Re: Nobody else here can claim to have rented "Outta Control" twice.) Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2000 19:34:42 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > Ricky Morse (rem14@cornell.edu) wrote: > > > > [on William Blair's desperate plea for music for his movie masterpieces, > > posted at http://www.cybamall.com/music ] > > > > I especially like the note "You may submit compositions/ songs of any > > length. They can easily be edited to fit a scene." > > > > If I'm going to submit my timeless masterpiece to him, he better not cut > > out the entrance of the fourth subject! That would totally destroy the > > parallelisms between the first and second movements... > > Yeah, and don't forget about how it might distract attention > from the BEAUTIFUL NUDE WOMEN WITH GIANT BREASTS that you > liberally sprinkle throughout your pieces. PLEASE NEVER AGAIN use the phrase "liberally sprinkle throughout" in conjunction with William Blair. Now I'm going to have nightmares about William Blair making movies with titles like "Agent Incontinent Bladder Action, Now With Extra Sprinkles" which can only be sold at that store that has all the windows painted opaque purple. > Speaking of pieces, is that *him* with the handgun in the ad > poster on the Web site?? Angels and ministers of grace defend > us, he's even dorkier looking than I *ever* expected! For those of you who haven't seen it, he looks like Mr. Bean trying to fill in for David Hasselhoff in the 17th season of "Knight Rider". -- K. Okay, I got another one for that photo: "William Blair IS Jack Wild AS Oscar Wilde!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: William Blair Needs Music! (was Re: Nobody else here can claim to have rented "Outta Control" twice.) Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2000 19:25:30 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > Michael Straight (straight@email.unc.edu) wrote: > > > > Mr. Blair [director of "Agent Action", a movie which may not exist] > > has a whole suite of fine webpages, all of which show the same three > > promotional posters/banners against a variety of bad bad lurid > > bad backgrounds [...] > > Okay, here's the question: > > If I use this contact info to order a VHS copy of one of these > movies, should I actually have it sent to my own address, or > should I have it sent directly to Kibo? > > I mean, I bet Kibo could write an even more vicious review of > "Agent Action" than I could. Sure! I promise that when I have a chance I will post a scene-by-scene deconstruction of "Outta Control". I want to do that for "Baby Geniuses" someday, too. Except that I want to do it without having to watch "Baby Geniuses". Could someone please ghostwrite a scene-by-scene transcription of "Baby Geniuses" for me? > But maybe I want to get a look at all those NUDE BLONDE NAKED > LARGE-BREASTED SUPERMODEL NAKED BREAST NUDE NAKED BLONDE WOMEN BREASTS > NAKED WOMEN B00BIES BREASTS SUPERMODELS NAKED NUDE BLONDE BIG BOOBS > BREASTS NAKED NUDE SUPERMODELS NAKED WOMEN NUDE MODELS myself before > passing it on to Leader. Somehow I imagine the sort of women who would fall onto William Blair's casting couch would look more like Ed Wood in drag. > p.s. This post is going to get more hits on the search engines > than anything else I've ever posted. It won't compare to what would happen if I used a few phrases like "gay Batman in peanut butter-filled diapers" or "gumikrankenschwester who is drinking free beer" or "download nude pirated .MP3 warez" in a followup to your article. But note that, to keep the Internet's backbone cable from groaning under the strain of all those September newbies fishing for perverted filth, this article MENTIONS NO CHILD PORN. Ha! By not mentioning child porn, I am now going to get all the hits on "child porn" AND "no child porn"! I am a genius at fooling idiots into looking for illegal porn where there is none! -- K. P.S. There's a lot on www.microsoft.com. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: William Blair Needs Music! (was Re: Nobody else here can claim to have rented "Outta Control" twice.) Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2000 19:14:34 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Michael Straight (straight@email.unc.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I tell you, if the "Agent Action" guy ever actually made his > > "Agent Action" movie, it would be a hundred times better than this. > > Well, how can he, when he can't find the right music? > > [some things that William Blair, the "Agent Action" guy, needs... > excerpted from his Web page:] > > -> 1. Heavy dramatic villain theme. ( min length 25 seconds) ( strings > -> and orchestration good) ( feeling of evil, dread, suspense good) RRR! SUSPENSE GOOD! HULK LIKE TWIST ENDINGS! BUT HULK NOT LIKE BRAINY INTELLECTUAL PLOTS THAT ARE HARD FOR HULK TO UNDERSTAND, LIKE "INCREDIBLE HULK" CARTOONS! BUT HULK LIKE "AGENT ACTION"! > -> 6. Hero theme with defiant / triumphant feel. (Soaring lead guitar.) I just hope he doesn't cut away between the part where the guitar soars through the air and the part where it smashes into the brick wall and shatters. > -> 7. Suspense music: Eire and weird So that's "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling" played on a Theremin? > -> 8. Suspense music: big city anticipation "Yikes! A big city is sneaking up on us!" > -> 11. Strange Suspense music: caught in a nightmare feel. Just play the opening theme again. The audience will flee the theater in terror thinking the movie is starting over! > -> 20. Australian feel love song ( out in the wilds mate) My cousin's friend has a tape of an Outback Steakhouse commercial you can borrow but he really needs it back. > -> 24. Hendrix type guitar riffing ( 20 second fill : spacy revelations ) iMac commercial, check. "Look! The mouse just got rounder! BWAWAWAWMMNNN!!" > -> 29. Song for a sea montage /Vibrations at the sea ( rejuvenating new > -> wave? ) Shampoo commercial, check. "Aaaaaaiiiieeee! The left side is TINGLING!" > -> 33 End of scene fill: "I won. But it was bittersweet, ambivalent feel" I would suggest hiring Archimedes Plutonium to write new bittersweet, butterscotchy, coconutty lyrics to one of his hymns about how God makes his heart fill with love and candy. (Someday Archie is going to stagger into an emergency room groaning, "GOD FILLED MY HEART WITH NOUGAT!" and everyone will think he's just joking until it's TOO LATE, because hearts can't chew nougat.) > He's also casting for "Cyber Cowboy: Helfire is Comin'!"! And he needs > "MTV/ Matrix Style" cinematographers. But he'll GET "Home Shopping Network Style" cinematographers. > And "Animal Trainers - + Big cats / reptiles / Bugs / Birds"!! The "Agent Action" guy wouldn't know a trained bug if he ate one. > Warning: "William has been represented by the most powerful agency in > Hollywood." Scientology? -- K. I hear they secretly plotted to make "Battlefield Earth" flop just to fool people into thinking they don't control Hollywood completely. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The videocassette sleeve of "Outta Control" Date: Sun, 17 Sep 2000 07:20:06 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [ ---- the front of the box ---- ] [picture of woman standing in a shower looking mildly worried or confused] [picture of a bearded biker dude holding a Bowie knife] [24pt purple letters printed from a 12pt Helvetica Black _bitmap_ font:] OUTTA CONTROL [faded picture of an old car with an all-white flour-like explosion coming out of some of its windows] Terrorism will never be the same again (C) 1990 A production of Steven V. Thomas Enterprises [picture of a guy with sunglasses and a rifle. One of his arms is bandaged over his leather jacket, with red crayon scribbles on the bandage] [picture of a curly-haired woman in an acid-washed denim jacket with long fringe tassels all over it, standing next to a guy holding a pistol] (C) SVT [Post-It Note added by video store, written in pencil:] FILMED IN SAUGUS [ ---- the back of the box ---- ] [all defective punctuation is transcribed exactly] WHAT WOULD YOU DO? IF AN INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST GROUP KILLED YOUR HUSBAND AND WERE HOLDING YOUR PARENTS HOSTAGE TO MAKE YOU COOPERATE WITH THE GROUPS' PLOT TO KIDNAP A U.S. SENATOR? WHAT WOULD YOU DO? [blurry trapezoidal picture IF YOU HAD INFORMATION A GROUP OF of some guy's face] TERRORISTS NEEDED TO PREVENT THE ANNIHILATION OF THEIR ENTIRE ORGANIZATION WHAT WOULD YOU DO? IF THEY HELD YOU HOSTAGE AND PUMPED [blurry picture of a guy pressing YOU UP WITH DRUGS TO TELL ALL! OR his forearm against the back of RISK THE TOTAL DEVASTATION OF YOUR another guy's neck] COMMUNITY BY A CHEMICAL BOMB!! WHAT WOULD YOU DO? YOUR TOWN IS INFILTRATED BY TERRORISTS WHO CUT THE PHONE LINES, ELECTRONICALLY JAM YOUR RADIO FREQUENCIES, THEN KILL THE SHERIFF AND THE SENATOR'S SECURITY FORCE. CAN ANYBODY STOP THEM??? NOW THAT EVERYTHING HAS GONE TOTALLY OUTTA CONTROL! MADE IN THE U.S.A. (C) 1990 SVT A PRODUCTION OF STEVEN V. THOMAS ENTERPRISES [ ---- end of the box blather ---- ] Yes, I own several videos with crappier blather on the back than this, but they're all significantly better movies. -- K. That includes Bill Rebane's "Invasion From The Inner Earth". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Nobody else here can claim to have rented "Outta Control" twice. Date: Sun, 17 Sep 2000 07:00:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [concerning a movie a thousand times less popular than "Baby Geniuses"] Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I like Roger Ebert. Especially when he discovers a really bad movie. > > > > Anyone have his address so I can send him this movie with a note > > saying "TOP THIS, ROGER!"? > > It's the Internet. Ebert's become all interactive and stuff. > See http://www.suntimes.com/ebert because that contains his > "Movie Answer Man" column. However, he's apparently becoming > deluged with email, as he has set up a bunch of rules to try > to keep down the noise level: http://www.suntimes.com/ebert/email.html That page says: "I am receiving hundreds of e-mails a day, most of them clearly ignoring the 'rules' printed below. There is no staff to handle them. I cannot personally deal with them all." AW POOR BABY! THAT'S HUNDREDS OF TIMES AS MUCH AS UNIMPORTANT PEOPLE LIKE PRESIDENTS GET! AND IT TAKES UP SO MUCH TIME PERSONALLY REPLYING TO EVERY ONE OF THEM LIKE INTERNET LAW REQUIRES YOU TO DO! YOU CAN'T JUST IGNORE ALL THE STUPID ONES OR YOU'LL GO TO INTERNET JAIL! First he complains that most of the people on the Internet are bozos, then he tells me to go talk to them instead of him: "10. I cannot read or critique your movie reviews. Post them to a newsgroup and benefit from general feedback." BUT, ROGER, THAT'S WHAT I JUST DID! I DON'T WANT THOSE OTHER IDIOTS TO READ IT, I WANT YOU TO READ IT, YOU ASSJACK! -- K. I don't think he spends much time to read the newsgroups now that people have caught on to his pseudonym ("Gharlane"). ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Dumbest person on the Internet causes ethical dilemma. Date: Sun, 17 Sep 2000 06:45:39 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Okay, let's say there's this guy in Florida who decides to use his credit card to sign up for a $30 membership at a porno Web site. And although the guy gives them his credit card to pay for his porno password, he doesn't want to receive any E-mail spam, so he tells them to mail his password to... a bogus E-mail address. And being very stupid, he picks "webmaster@{VON}.com". (Here the abbreviation "{VON}" stands for "Very Obvious Name which is already in use somewhere by people who aren't this idiot in Florida". You know, along the lines of "webmaster@earth.com" or "webmaster@planet.com". The idiot not only chose not to give out his real E-mail address when he needed to, he gave out an E-mail address which anyone with half a brain cell would know was already in use. (And probably by someone who knows how to use the Internet.) This "webmaster@{VON}.com" address is routed to a group of people, including me, so that he's just paid $30 to give _me_ his porno password. And he's not going to know what to do about it, because he won't know what phone number to call to resolve this because the instructions are in his receipt, which (I can't emphasize this enough) he took great pains to have sent to us instead of to him. He'll never know anything happened until he sees the charge on his credit-card statement, assuming he notices it mixed in with all the other charges accrued by his Internet porn habit. Efficient use of {VON}.com's corporate resources requires that I not get on the phone and try tracking down this bozo in Florida to discuss his porn habits ("About your porn habit... oh, is your daddy home?") and make him beg for his password, because I can't spend my time (and the company's long-distance phone fees) trying to assist someone who isn't even a potential customer of ours, and has probably already increased the amount of spam "webmaster@{VON}.com" receives. (Which, incidentally, is a lot more than the amount of spam you get.) Even though the message included his postal address and what could be (or might not be) his home phone number are on this receipt, he's not getting any help from us. So this leaves me with two choices -- either ignore his porno password which is staring me in the face, or go get some porn. I'm not going to use his porno account, because that would be sleazy of me, and besides, I'm sure they just have the same damn pictures that keep flowing through Usenet over and over (until someone discovers a new back issue of Hustler to scan in.) But, hypothetically speaking, would it be _legally_ wrong to use this password? Would it be a crime, given that he deliberately requested that it be mailed to me? Conventional postal regulations tell us (through public-service TV commercials) that if someone mails us a package we didn't order, we can keep it (to prevent various scams.) And I would assume that it could be argued that E-mail is analogous. However, it's also clear that this password was not _intended_ for my use, although it was also _deliberately directed_ to me (and various officemates.) So, what of it, folks? Although I swear I'm not going to use this Florida guy's password (because pay-per-porn porn is even lamer than the free porn on the Internet), and I won't tell the nitwit what his expensive password is, what would the legal experts in the audience guess would be the laws governing the little surprise I received in my mailbox? And do you agree that this bozo is the single dumbest person ever to use a credit card on the Internet? -- K. I also get lots of misdirected mail marked "SECRET". This one wasn't, so I can discuss it with you people, unlike the plan for managing chemical spills in Russia, which was marked "SECRET" so I won't mention it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: laffter. Date: Mon, 18 Sep 2000 02:26:00 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > You know what I just realized? > > If I had been there when Kibo stuck that paper clip into the computer > and blown it up, even if he had been electrocuted, BUT if he had been > allright.... > > I probably would have locked myself in the bathroom and laughed > hysterically. It wasn't a paper clip, it was a pair of teeny little safety scissors, the kind that can go up your nose or in your ear or in the back of your computer. But yes, I am gratified that someone has figured out that I blew up my old computer just to entertain you guys! I BET LENNY BRUCE NEVER DID THAT!!! -- K. Now, Nick, the paper clip I have here is for a different worthwhile purpose... Bring your "South Park" inflatable chair closer... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Nearly one third of Americans fail to wash hands after using restroom Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2000 16:19:57 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp l'AFP reported: > > TORONTO, Sept 18 (AFP) - Almost one third of US citizens do not > wash their hands after using a public restroom, according to a study > published Monday by the American Society of Microbiology on Monday. And they felt that this news was so shocking and horrifying that they had to announce it in Toronto so as to avoid being torn limb from limb by rioting Americans who are deeply offended when their country's personal hygeine is insulted. Of course, Americans were too busy watching an endless stream of mouthwash commercials on TV to do that. > By posting observers in public restrooms, the study found that > only 67 percent of people actually wash their hands after paying a > visit to a public bathroom -- this despite the fact that 95 percent > of people told the survey they usually washed their hands. Well, yes. 95% of people USUALLY wash their hands. As in about two-thirds of the time. DUH! > The study was conducted on behalf of the ASM's Clean Hands Campaign Gee, I wonder if this was public service was underwritten by any huge multi-national conglomerates whose logos include a moon and 13 little pentagrams and 666 microscopic copies of the word "SEX". > and published at its Interscience Conference on Antimicrobial Agents > and Chemotherapy (ICAAC) here. What does soap have to do with chemotherapy? "Young man, you've got a potty mouth AND cancer! I'm gonna wash your mouth out with soap and swallow it! That'll cure both problems!" > It observed 7,836 people in public restrooms in New York, > Atlanta, New Orleans, Chicago and San Francisco, and carried out > telephone interviews with 1,021 other adults. "No, sir, I'm just staring at you in the men's room for valid reasons. I'm not gay, I'm a scientist! We're strictly asexual." > Observers found that those least likely to wash in public > restrooms were men in Atlanta, while those most likely to wash were > women in Chicago. > Women were in general cleaner than men, the sur. Beg par? > Fifty-four percent of women said they wash after petting a dog or cat, > while only 36 percent of men said they do so. And 86 percent of women, > compared to 70 percent of men, said they would wash their hands > after handling a diaper. So are grown men who wear diapers 70% or 95% likely to wash their hands after going to the bathroom? I'm gonna start wearing a diaper so I won't be expected to wash my hands as often! > Disturbingly, the findings showed that hand-washing was lower > than it was four years ago. Disturbingly, the findings were deemed worthy of publication by a national wire-service. > "While it may seem amusing at first, this is really a very > serious issue. We really need to help the public understand the > significance of these findings and the importance of hand washing," > said Secretary of the American Society of Microbiology (ASM), Judy Daly. Then she slipped on a banana peel and DIED!!! It seemed amusing at first. But then I went and did something else and forgot all about it. -- K. Then I remembered it again later and I giggled and that kind of ruined the funeral. But that reminded me of a "Mary Tyler Moore Show" episode and I acted the whole plot out and everyone else at the funeral started laughing. Then there was a big cream-pie fight. Guess you hadda be there! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Nearly one third of Americans fail to wash hands after using restroom Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2000 18:47:19 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > > > The really annoying part to me is the absurd notion of "washing > > your hands" that some people have. Yeah, hold them under a > > spritz of water for 0.0000001 seconds, that'll really get rid > > of all that hepatitis A and coliform bacteria and everything > > else you're trying not to spread to the rest of the people in > > the world. > > I've griped about this forever. My ex used to "spritz" his hands only if he > knew I was within hearing distance of the tap. Otherwise, he wouldn't > bother at all. I know 'cause I caught him many times. Now I don't go nuts > and scrub the top layer of skin off of my hands after I go to the loo but I > at least use SOAP and hot water. Okay, I'm adding two more check marks to the count of "People who brag about washing their hands, but such claims cannot be scientifically verified until I get my government grant to put hand-washing-detector-cams in every public or private restroom in the world." The trillions of dollars this will cost will be well worth it if we can get even ONE law passed which says that if you don't wash your hands, you'll go to DIRTY JAIL!!! -- K. Also known as "The Greyhound Bus Station." P.S. Remember how the last thing Chris Elliot did before fleeing "Saturday Night Live" was a sketch where he installed penis-measurement devices in every urinal in the world and was then gunned down? Well, ex-"SNL" star Norm MacDonald's lame sitcom is now being promoted by TALKING penis-measurement devices installed above urinals. Now men around the world will say to themselves, "Hey! I should watch that show that has the loudmouth guy who PERSONALLY insulted my penis at the airport through the miracle of a waist-level motion detector connected to a little greeting-card-quality voice chip which is programmed to insult penises all day, every day!" This is further evidence that in our society, women get all the breaks! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Pilot sacked for having called passenger "stupid" appeals Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 01:48:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com l'AFP reported: > > LONDON, Sept 20 (AFP) - A British Airways (BA) pilot, sacked for > having called a passenger a "stupid woman," claimed in a north > London industrial tribunal on Wednesday that he had never been > instructed on how to deal with difficult passengers. But that wouldn't have helped unless this woman was stupid AND difficult! He acted correctly if she's just stupid and easy... such as if her name turns out to be Laverne DeFazio. > Pilot Stuart Clapson, 53, was fired by BA after having appealed > three times against a sanction placed on him. The sanction involved > a reduction in his salary. "I'm fired? YAY! Now I can call people stupid FOR FREE!" > He was accused of having announced on the loudspeaker that a > "stupid woman" was delaying the flight from London to Barbados > because she was insisting that someone on board was carrying a bomb. That was just the inflight movie, "Battlefield Earth". > Clapson later left the cockpit to reprimand the woman. > The plane had been ready to take off when the British born woman > from Barbados accused a Chinese passanger sitting next to her of > transporting a bomb. Like most AFP articles, this one shows a complete lack of good journalism in that it never finishes the story -- DID THE CHINESE GUY ACTUALLY HAVE A BOMB OR NOT? That's the crux of the matter, unless he didn't. Attention terrorists: If you plan to smuggle a bomb aboard an airplane, pay that woman five bucks to sit next to you so that the aircrew will never believe you have a bomb. > According to the chief investigator of the incident, David > Fleming, the pilot "should have acted in a calm and professional > manner," in that kind of situation, regardless of his training. "Even if we had trained him to act like an obnoxious jerk, he should have still completely disobeyed our training and acted suave and sophisticated!" > The investigator added that Clapson had already been punished > for his appearance and for smoking in the cockpit. "punished for his appearance"? "We specifically requested that you develop and drink an invisiblity serum before work. We're going to visibly lower your salary until you stop blocking your co-pilot's view out the left window with your obstinate opacity." -- K. Trained to act suave and sophisticated, but I constantly disregard my training in the name of airline safety. THAT'S MY EXCUSE THIS WEEK!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Three Mexican schoolgirls suspended for plucking their eyebrows Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 01:53:39 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [I'm catching up on last week's clari.living.bizarre] l'AFP reported: > > MEXICO CITY, Sept 21 (AFP) - Three girls aged 12 to 15 were > suspended from a school in northwestern Mexico for plucking their > eyebrows in violation of regulations that also ban make-up and > miniskirts, media reported on Thursday. Also in the school's art textbooks, the Mona Lisa has had eyebrows glued to her face so as not to encourage anyone else. In any case, why does the school care if the girls want to look like Judge Mills Lane? > The Tijuana school also prohibits girls from wearing trousers as > "this could generate lesbian attitudes," school director Erique > Canett was quoted as saying. Then he added, "I'm going to start walking around in my underwear from now on so that I don't become a lesbian!" > He said the measures were aimed at "averting acts of rebellion > and immoral attitudes." You know, I never thought about it before, but he's right -- big furry eyebrows promote antidisestablishmentarianism. YAY! I JUST SCRABBLED ACROSS THREE REQ SQUARES! > Tijuana is located in the state of Baja California, which for > the past 12 years has been governed by the conservative National > Action Party (PAN) of president-elect Vicente Fox. Never mind that, how many eyebrows does he have? -- K. Centrists have one. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Elton John's excuses for cancelling concert fail to convince organizers Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 02:12:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com like all the best wire-service articles, this one's from l'AFP: > > LISBON, Sept 19 (AFP) - British rock star Elton John expressed > his regret on Tuesday for cancelling a concert last week in Lisbon > at the last minute but failed to calm furious organizers who accused > him of "irresponsibility". Gosh! Good thing they didn't call Elton John "temperamental" or "flamboyant". > In a short statement, John said he regretted not being able to > perform in Lisbon last Wednesday, but did not provide a full > explanation of why he walked out of the casino in the town of > Estoril, near Lisbon, where he was due to perform on September 13. > The singer said he would reschedule the event for November 3, as > long as it "started on time and took place in a smoke-free concert hall." A smoke-free casino? ERROR ERROR DOES NOT COMPUTE DOES NOT COMPUTE BRAIN HALTED I know Elton John is a smart guy -- I mean, he's able to put on his two-foot-high shoes all by himself -- but I cannot fathom someone who storms out of a casino fuming over the presence of smoke. I mean, that's what a casino is FOR! That and drinking. And gambling. And Mafia. Besides, he could always wheel his piano over to the Federally-mandated non-smoking section of the casino. For instance, Mohegan Sun (in Connecticut) is one big circular room about a mile across. Near the center is a three-foot-by-three-foot imaginary rectangle on the floor to represent the non-smoking area. You have to wave your hands furiously to prevent smoke molecules from intruding into this forbidden zone as you play the only one of 10,000 slot machines to be in it. (And it's not even one of the good slot machines, like The Three Stooges, it's one of the DUMB slot machines.) So although non-smoking areas in casinos are bozotic ideas, they are present, and anyway you'd think that with all the money Mr. John makes he could afford to wash the smoke out of his wig afterwards. > A statement from the casino where the concert was to take place > said that "instead of contacting the casino to apologize formally > ... to try to be forgiven by the public ... he persists with his > position of irresponsibility and non-respect of the contract > signed." > John had apparently forgotten that "he had already received all > his fee" of 350,000 euros (300,000 dollars), the statement added. And if he put every one of those 350,000 Euros into a slot machine he'd earn enough Frequent Player points on his card to win his choice of either a sparkly glass ashtray or a five-dollar long-distance calling card! This is how you win big money at casinos -- just lose hundreds of thousands of dollars and then they give you FREE STUFF! > The casino said earlier it had decided to take the singer to > court over the incident. > According to a casino spokesman, half an hour before the show > was due to begin at 11.00 p.m., when some diners were still > finishing their meal, Elton John expressed concern that there were > empty seats in the auditorium and announced that he was going to > take a drive around to relax. > "But he never came back and never gave any explanation," the > casino spokesman said, adding that "there were 1,200 people waiting > for the show." Why didn't they just put one of those Elton John impersonators on stage? Las Vegas is full of creepy celebrity impersonators (although they call them "celebrity tributes" for legal reasons -- they can't claim the guy looks like Elton John, they just have to say he is "celebrity tribute Shelton John" and let you figure out that he looks like Elton John and sings like Elton John but works more cheaply.) The creepiest Las Vegas celebrity impersonator is that guy at the Strat who had the same plastic surgery that Michael Jackson did. I mean, sure, they probably pay him pretty well (at least he probably earns more than the other Michael Jackson impersonators, who still have human faces) but when they finally get around to dynamiting the Strat (it's still losing money hand over fist, and let's face it, there would be no cooler building to dynamite than this incredibly tall twig holding up a huge heavy thing which will fall and crush ten other casinos) I wonder what this guy will do for a living, unless he's saved enough money in his retirement account to have his old face put back on. -- K. I think I just wrote a terrifying sequel to "Face/Off" in which Michael J and John Travolta switch faces and then they both marry Scientologists. But then the Strat falls on them. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 2nd Soviet cosmonaut in space Titov dies in sauna accident Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 02:22:33 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [another wacky news item I didn't have time to comment on last week -- and guess which French news service reported it] > MOSCOW, Sept 21 (AFP) - President Vladimir Putin led tributes > Thursday to German Titov after the second Soviet cosmonaut in space > after Yury Gagarin's 1961 landmark flight, died in a sauna accident > in his Moscow home. Well, see, after Gus Grisson's problem with the hatch blowing open on impact in Liberty Bell 7 (when the capsule sank under the weight of all those monogrammed dimes) NASA redesigned the hatches to be unopenable from the inside, which unfortunately killed him when Apollo 1 caught fire. The canny Soviets took note of this and designed their hatches to be even better than the American ones. They were designed to be unopenable from the inside or the outside under any circumstances, in fact, they were usually welded shut before the cosmonaut got into the capsule. This didn't matter anyhow because the hatches were only three inches wide and the cosmonaut would just climb into the capsule through an open window (Stanislaw Lem was exiled to Poland after he pointed out that the cosmonauts would fall out if they leaned out to wave over Moscow.) When the Soviet Union went bankrupt in the 1980s, they were unable to pay Gharman Titov's salary (or that of his bratwurst-loving twin, German Titov) and so the Titov twins were given an old Soyuz capsule which they used as a steam room. Unfortunately, after the first few baths, they ran out of Energia boosters to use to heat the water, and instead took their toaster oven into the bath with them. -- K. Gagarin also got a capsule as payment, and he used it as a conical house, but after jamming himself inside with the door welded shut he drank too much Earl Grey and they found him drowned in his teepee. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: "Wheelbarrow broadcasters" pitch for prime TV frequency Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 02:25:25 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [continuing my review of last week's News Of The Stupid from a French news service] > PARIS, Sept 17 (AFP) - Three. Two. One. On air. The screen > darkens, a goldfish bowl logo appears briefly and fades, and at > last, only 15 minutes after the advertised time, neighbourhood > television station Tele-Bocal is broadcasting to its 50,000 loyal > fans. > For its launch late Saturday Bocal chose to kick off with a > report on popular reactions to last year's solar eclipse, a > less-than-burning issue that does not seem to disconcert the many > well-wishers who sit around the open-air studio eating merguez > sausages and drinking beer. Wow! I wish the United States got The Old Eclipse Channel! Also I want to know more about these meringue sausages. -- K. There should be a Sausage Channel! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Gravity & Particle Physics Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 03:24:07 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In sci.physics.relativity, Wild-E-Cyoteeee@webtv.net wrote: > > Let me please enlighten you all. Hooray! You're back! Wait, it can't be you. You spelled a whole sentence correctly. > The fist thing is electrons apear and exspand in a patern to maintain > the force of space. That's better. I was a bit worried when you forgot to mangle the fist sentence. > The electron created in time is re created , it dose > not orbit , it apears and re apears. > Electrons are part of space not mater. > Mater was condenced from electrons. > Mater is condenced energy and dose not exspand. Wile all space exspands > at a rate called time , some of the space below you is not exspanding. > You are displaced between exspansion rates of energy. > Light is like a sound in space and magnetisem is like a wave. Mater > was created as the energy of space chilled against the nothingness > outside our universe. This liquified energy formed a bubble that cooled > in layers of dencity identifieing the elements. Didn't the Cub Scouts rename "Boys' Town" to "Den City"? > If you placed mater where the electron should apear in time and then > removed it you would prevent the electron from apearing and the > exspandable energy in that space would be less. I'm sure that Pater would be very upset if you jammed Mater into a place where an electron belongs. > This is the basics for gravitational propulsion. > Gravitational propulsion requires spining cleer steel with laser beams > very fast. And then just moving it of center inside a space ship to > displace directional propulsion. Wieghts are a fine tune method. > The evidence is overwellming . And bsides if your not going to use > some chance some one else will take yours. > Magnetisem is just wave interfearance. > If metalic vibrations make waves that roll over other waves the energy > of the space between is less and the greator space around the two pushes > them together. If the waves colide and peak the enrgy piles up between > and pushes them apart. > Clear steel is allso the door to free energy. No, it's the window to free energy. > This solid super conductor has no friction on its axis,.and can be made > into coils or disk. > It can be spun above light speeds. > Befor you object, let me point out you know not > about light. And dont bring E.I. into it. I didn't even mention my Evil Intentions! Or are you using "E.I." in some other sense? Such as referring to that other great scientist who couldn't spell, Elbert Ienstien? > I dont nead a prehistoric view of reality. [at this point a little window in my computer screen opened up and inside was a little pink bird who said "IT'S A LIVING!" and then some sort of primitive laugh track went off.] > Gravity is a displacement between exspansion rates of energy as not all > the space below you exspands . And thats the same force that created > mater . Tha same force that fills the universe as the time it began. > GODS ACTIVE FORCE > Its realy all simple. > See you in heaven. > Well I have another minet so ..... If I only had one last minute, I wouldn't waste it on dots. > About your soul. Its in your blood on the iron the base of your dna. > You see all you know ,, your brain records on that iron and dna stores > it and makes copies. Every atom of iron contains > all you know so you are yourown witness and have a path to eturnity. > Should I play you back from your dna ? > Jesus left you his iron from his blood and people made copies and so on > till today he is on your dna with you. So how about if I play him back > insted. Can I get him on DVD? > Well im not a religeouse person ! But I have found men could not have > wrote what they could not know. They could not know where the air and > sea came from the crust of the earth. > They could not have known about 6 states of mater when you dont. The > last pages of the bible speak of clear steel . Yes, the invisible pages of the Bible talk about invisible steel. You do realize that the Book Of Doohan is apocryphal, right? No book of the Bible is canon unless Gene Roddenberry wrote it! > But I can tell you all the secrets of the bible. > Its not 666 ! Its when the 6 billion th person is born. Thats what Jhon > was forbiden to write down. Jhon was an obzo! > Would you like to make clear steel ? Clear steel could support the weight of hundreds of Scientologists! > Maybe you would liike to know what heaven will be like ! Your every > thought hapens threw Gods active force . Jesus arose from the dead. > He left you something. > Befor you hide your addictions behind denieing Gods role in the > universe be true to your inter self. Just ask. and you shall have life > at lifes terms. > You cant understand gravity and denie Gods exsistance. When you do > understand gravity you will know Gods active force and many secrets of > the universe and your self as a holagraphic life form ( HOLLY). Sorry, "Red Dwarf" isn't canon either. I suggest you stick to formally- recognized books of the Bible and the first three "Star Wars" films, and avoid BBC productions. I realize this means you have to ignore the research "Blake's 7" did into artificial intelligence and the work "Doctor Who" did on plot elongation. > All 12 churches are ok with jesus. PICK ONE > I dont care if you think it will interfearwith your life styal. Look > where thats geting you ! > Im S. Jobs wo are you ? I tried to read The Book Of Jobs but it was all in really blurry lettering with beeping, flashing, blurry fluorescent blue icons jumping up and down in front of all the blurry lettering, and it made my eyes hurt so much I wish for an interlaced Amiga display. -- K. And then there was The iBook Of Jobs... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: GIVE JEFFMO A HAND EVERYBODY!! Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 03:31:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.net-theories, Wild-E-Cyoteeee@webtv.net wrote: > > [...] > > October 1st is allmost here , my gravitational > propulsion unit is operational ad wil beunvailed at WPafb. in Daton > ohio. You forgot to misspell "Ohio" (unless capitalization counts on the Internet.) Some suggestions: "Oh High Oh" "Oheyo" "Oiho" "Ihoi" "XhiX" "Hawaii Five-O" "Mars" "Potsie" Please endeavor to work some, or preferably all, of those new spellings of "Ohio" into your next scholarly paper about how you bought a ticket to an airshow in some city whose name you know five-sixths of. > Allso two of the diamonds I made are in the genises world book of > records. You mispelled "Penisless Book Of Records". Hope this helps. > I can now prove God talked to Moses and Jesus. I have over 50 things > that no man could have gessed . I have allso found records from ROam > that show Jhon was beheaded and returnd to be imprison then excaped ad > was later found again in cyprus. > The GPU is now at 2 grs. > Electrons are still part of space not atoms . I was following your physics theory until you tried to work some physics words in at the end. -- K. You obzo. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Li'l Jack, Grade 1 Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 04:32:12 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "revjack" (revjack@radix.net) wrote: > > Visited Mom this weekend, and she trotted out this letter my > first grade teacher sent home with me. Dig the grammar and > spelling: > > > Dear Mrs. Lyons, > > Jack is acting up very bad in class. He does it every day > now. I wish you and Mr. Lyons will please talk to him. When > you came in the other day you told me to write or call you > if he still acts up. I can't understand why Jacks wants to > be bad in class. He thinks it's nice. He is acting Just > like Gerry Stephans and that's chronic. He always say he is > sorry and won't do it again, but he does everytimes. you > said the next time that your husband was going to tan his > hide, well I think this is what he need. > > Mrs. Griffin I think you got my letter by mistake. Although I don't know why "Gerry Stephans" is (unless she meant Gerry Anderson, the less-creative half of the married couple who produced "Space: 1999", in which case she hit it right on the nose) otherwise, yes, I do need a good spanking. From your dad. -- K. Yikes! Tony Randall just appeared on my TV! I think that counts the same as a spanking from your dad. So never mind. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Waaah! Pointless meetings! Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 04:39:49 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > [...context lost forever because it's the Postmodern Era, darn it...] > > I only have albinism, which causes minor but significant visual > impairments. > > Maybe I'm just not handicapped _enough_ to date girls on the Internet. I think the moment you start dating on the Internet, it makes you handicapped. Then it's illegal for anyone to discriminate against you. "You're incompetent! You're fired!" "You can't fire me, I'm incompetent BECAUSE I have a severe handicap -- all my social skills consist of staring at a screen while sitting on my hands and giggling." "Oh. I'm sorry. Here, have a big raise instead of a sex life." "Yay! Now I can buy that 'Playboy's Girls Of The Internet' videotape! I hope it's as good as the printed version of 'Playboy's Girls Of The Internet'!" -- K. In 1992 the Clinton-Gore campaign ran with a platform stressing sex and the Internet. Just not at the same time. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Happiness Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 05:06:30 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@key-net.net) wrote: > > > > > > > > I had the exact same breakfast! > > > > > > EEEEEeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww. Before, or after? > > > > The same breakfast, not the same INSTANCE of a breakfast. > > I'm still looking for a blender with a disinstantiate button to turn > an onion into some onion. I've been testing the fundamental symmetries of my Grand Unified Theory Of The Universe And Other Onion-Like Objects with a custom-built blender which performs various transformations: button 1 -- turns an onion into an onion in a different place button 2 -- turns an onion into an upside-down onion button 3 -- turns an onion into an inside-out onion button 4 -- turns an onion into an anti-onion button 5 -- turns an onion into a larger onion button 6 -- turns an onion into a better onion button 7 -- turns an onion into a cow button 8 -- turns an onion into two onions button 9 -- turns an onion into everything but an onion button 10 -- turns an onion into button 10 button 11 -- turns you into an onion (not me! you!) button 12 -- turns an onion into the same onion By doing tests with this appraratus, I have proven my theory: SCHR…DINGER'S CAT LIKES ONIONS AND DISLIKES ONIONS AT THE SAME TIME. Also, after the experiments, I peeled away the outer layers of the onion and it was filled with a bunch of acid that would eat through anything. -- K. Or maybe it was just some wadded-up rubber bands around what looked like an almond filled with honey. Do kids still take apart golf balls, or are new ones un-take-apart-able? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Commercial which bothers me. Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 05:19:48 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Know how Taco Bell keeps coming up with new variants, such as "Hey! What if we put a soft taco filled with beans inside a hard taco filled with cheese and called it The Bajatacular Mexisploderito!"? Well, Pizza Hut (which is the same company -- and so is KFC) has been running every possible variation on pizza lately -- cheese on top, cheese in the crust, cheese on the bottom, etc. Their new one seems to be a pizza on top of another pizza (possibly with a soft taco in between.) The TV commercial for this yell: "WE PUT CHEESE IN PLACES YOU NEVER THOUGHT OF!" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! -- K. Dear Pizza Hut, I've been thinking of all places except up John Travolta's ass. You know what to do. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Commercial which bothers me. Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 07:51:06 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [Continuing the thread about what would be the single most popular article of all time according to Web search engines. Disclaimer: I just made this up as I went along, and I emphasize that Joe Bay was the one who needed it. Do not read this story unless you are into EVERYTHING.] Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Know how Taco Bell keeps coming up with new variants, such as > > "Hey! What if we put a soft taco filled with beans inside a hard > > taco filled with cheese and called it The Bajatacular Mexisploderito!"? > > Quickly, Robin, hand me the Bajatacular -- and the tissues! > > [...and in another followup, just to make me happy to have two responses > to my wonderful little article...] > > Dear Kibo: > > Please post more Batman pr0nography. BRUCE WAYNE'S GAY ROMP by Burt Wand Batman was walking down the street in his silken camel-toe leotard with the little lycra panty on the outside. "Gosh! This exciting superhero outfit sure does chafe! And I bet it would be even worse if I hadn't shaved down, you know, there!" he said to himself, unaware that his youthful ward, Dick Grayson, could hear him through the Bat-Sonic-Keyhole which permitted people to eavesdrop on private erotic moments from three blocks away! Quick as a flash, Dick changed into his Robin outfit, in the middle of the street to prove he had nothing to hide. Sliding down a well-oiled Bat-Rope, he jerked himself to a stop directly in front of Batman, his nimble ballet slippers planting themselves in the ground with such firmness that he vibrated to a stop. "Heya, Batman, old pal." "Hello, Robin, my young companion. I am in quite a predicament with these snug tights and oh how they do rub me down there." Robin reached into his bulging outfit and pulled out a huge canister of what appeared to be ordinary household peanut butter, only creamier. "Try this, Batman. A little natural lubricant can help ease the chafing." He reached over and helped Batman out of his confining external underwear and the two of them began to liberally apply peanut butter to Batman's crotchal area. As Robin touched one of the man rods which was harnessed to Batman's utility belt, Batman's body jerked violently as a massive explosion rocked their world! They spun around with a great swish to see Gum E. Krankenschwester pulling up on her Spankocycle! "HOLY HETEROSEXUALITY, BATMAN! THIS STORY'S GOING STRAIGHT!" gulped Robin. "You said a mouthful, Boy Wonder!" ejaculated Batman, "The presence of a nubile, latex-clad woman in this story can mean only one thing, a scene in which I am tortured by the steamy affections of a non-lesbo temptress!" "Don't worry, Batman! Maybe she's just a transvestite!" But as Gum E. Krankenschwester snapped her whip Batman saw, much to his horror, that she had no Adam's Apple or other male anatomy and was, indeed, an actual woman, or a post-op, which was just as bad from his point of view! At the crack of the whip, a dozen perky RubberMaids came running to tie Batman up with rubber hoses. "So, Batman," snarled Gum E. Krankenschwester, "I'm here to see if I can convince you to switch sides." "Never! Once you go Bat-Gay, you never go the other Bat-Way!" "HOLY DISORIENTATION! MY BATMAN WOULD NEVER GIVE UP HIS ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE!" yelled Robin before he was silenced by having a giant rubber baby pacifier shoved into his mouth. He was then forced to wear eight layers of frilly transparent rubber diapers and locked in a giant playpen filled with burning penny loafers and accelerator pedals. He wanted to yell thick and furious words of support to Batman, but try as they might, the words could not escape from his heaving chest concealed beneath his rippling costume. He moaned and slipped into unconsciousness as one of the RubberMaids applied an orbital belt sander to Robin's most tender erogenous zone, his left pinky toe. Batman was soon horrified to discover that Gum E. Krankenschwester was not only kissing him, but he was enjoying it! And when she began spanking him with a Ping-Pong paddle, he liked that too! And he really liked it when she poured a jar of bees down his pants! Batman was coming to realize that heterosexuals could be into S&M every bit as kinky as superheroes. "Oh, yes," gasped Batman, "please pleasure me in ways I do not deserve to be pleasured!" "Silence, worm! It would be dangerously politically incorrect for me to be the bottom in this relationship, what with you being a man and me being a gorgeous woman, therefore I will be the top, and you shall service, pleasure, and generally elevate me, not the other way around! Now, start licking!" She smashed a cream pie into her chest and bade Batman to lick it clean in one easy motion. His mouth had never been so full before, not even when Commissioner Gordon's Christmas party had been crashed by Frank Gorshin, John Astin, AND Jim Carrey at the same time! Batman gobbled down the heavenly, creamy delight that was Cool Whip. "Wait a minute," said Batman, "I just remembered, I don't like Cool Whip. Matter of fact, NOBODY likes cool whip!" He pried his sticky face from between her ample yet symmetrical cleavage and suddenly things began to waver like Jack Lord's hair in the wind. "Everything's gone all blurry! You've drugged me, vile temptress!" Gum E. Krankenschwester snickered as she buckled the now-comatose Batman into a form-fitting leather straitjacket, covered with hundreds of D-rings, each of which was more necessary to the plot of the story than the last. Then she zipped him into an inflatable vinyl bondage cocoon, and then she put the whole assembly into a tank of quick-setting Jell-O of a special new formulation that vibrated continuously except when the person in it was close to climaxing, at which point all motion became impossible for ten minutes. To further exacerbate Batman's wonderfully terrible bondage, the RubberMaids wielded their Kinky Shrinky ray guns, which they used to reduce Batman and the straitjacket and the cocoon and the tank of erotic Jell-O to tiny size, and then Batman was inserted up the butt of a cute little gerbil! Robin, watching from the safety of his kinky crib, cried a single tear of frustration as he saw Batman being placed into permanent extreme bondage. "Oh, how I would give ANYTHING to take his place!" thought the bediapered junior sidekick as one of the RubberMaids blindfolded him and made him eat what she said were worms but tasted a lot like cold spaghetti. Just then, the Bat-Auto-Rescue-Convenient-Plot-Device transmitter attached to Batman's utility sweatsock began beeping, sending a secret signal deep and wide to penetrate the damp recesses of the Batcave! Emerging from the dark depths in the excessively pointy Batplane, Alfred the randy old butler flew high overhead, partly because he liked to watch, and partly because he was pushing the button on his joystick which caused the Batplane to spray everyone with a thick layer of gold paint. The RubberMaids instantly died of skin suffocation, but Gum E. Krankenschwester had the presence of mind to put a dry-cleaning bag over her head so that instead she would die of autoerotic asphyxia! With her last gasp, she stepped on one of Batman's grapes with her thirteen-inch stiletto heels. "Hey," said Batman, "Those were going to be my lunch!" Everyone laughed as they piled into the Batmobile for the drive back to the Batcave, which was located under the Stately Playboy Mansion. But somewhere, far away, on the other side of filthy filthy dirty dirty Gotham City, and even more perverse force was waiting... Agent Action and his Plaster Casting Couch. WILL BATMAN BE EXPOSED TO ANY FURTHER SORTS OF B&D, S&M, D&S, OR MFFFFFFF(NC) ACTION BEYOND THE IMAGINATION OF ANYONE WHO HASN'T SEEN EVERY SINGLE PAGE ON THE WEB? TUNE IN TOMORROW! SAME BAT-TIME! SAME BAT-CHANNEL! YOUR CREDIT CARD WILL BE AUTOMATICALLY BILLED! -- K. I forgot to mention, to have read that, YOU MUST HAVE BEEN 18! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: This Just In... Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 05:23:44 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > I'm still using my mouse pad with a six-years-out-of-date area code map of > the United States (one of the angular, stylized ones printed in phone > books, with jagged 3D fault lines at the time zone boundaries), a metric > conversion chart, and rulers in different unit systems along all four > edges, including one in picas. > > It's an "Executive Information Mouse Pad." > > Executives need to measure things in picas all the time, so they can find > out how many inedible objects they want to swallow. I use it just because > it gives me nostalgia for my metric system lunch box. > > I have to mention the metric system lunch box so that Kibo can pick on me > again for voluntarily choosing to own one, at a time when all the other > self-respecting kids had lunch boxes with cooler things on them, like > KISS, or Cylons, or Ed Bishop. When I was six I was sad there wasn't a "Price Is Right" lunch box with Bob Barker and Johnny Olson on the side. Remember Johnny Olson's hair? I used to have nightmares about his disembodied head. Also, remember when grownups were allowed to take lunchboxes to work? Before they put cool stuff on them, I mean. -- K. The alt.religion.kibology lunchbox would have a picture of me on one side and an abstract representation of the concept of what it feels like to have swallowed a whole ice cube thirty seconds ago on the other. And the glass Thermos would be pre-broken.