Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Pilot sacked for having called passenger "stupid" appeals Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 01:48:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com l'AFP reported: > > LONDON, Sept 20 (AFP) - A British Airways (BA) pilot, sacked for > having called a passenger a "stupid woman," claimed in a north > London industrial tribunal on Wednesday that he had never been > instructed on how to deal with difficult passengers. But that wouldn't have helped unless this woman was stupid AND difficult! He acted correctly if she's just stupid and easy... such as if her name turns out to be Laverne DeFazio. > Pilot Stuart Clapson, 53, was fired by BA after having appealed > three times against a sanction placed on him. The sanction involved > a reduction in his salary. "I'm fired? YAY! Now I can call people stupid FOR FREE!" > He was accused of having announced on the loudspeaker that a > "stupid woman" was delaying the flight from London to Barbados > because she was insisting that someone on board was carrying a bomb. That was just the inflight movie, "Battlefield Earth". > Clapson later left the cockpit to reprimand the woman. > The plane had been ready to take off when the British born woman > from Barbados accused a Chinese passanger sitting next to her of > transporting a bomb. Like most AFP articles, this one shows a complete lack of good journalism in that it never finishes the story -- DID THE CHINESE GUY ACTUALLY HAVE A BOMB OR NOT? That's the crux of the matter, unless he didn't. Attention terrorists: If you plan to smuggle a bomb aboard an airplane, pay that woman five bucks to sit next to you so that the aircrew will never believe you have a bomb. > According to the chief investigator of the incident, David > Fleming, the pilot "should have acted in a calm and professional > manner," in that kind of situation, regardless of his training. "Even if we had trained him to act like an obnoxious jerk, he should have still completely disobeyed our training and acted suave and sophisticated!" > The investigator added that Clapson had already been punished > for his appearance and for smoking in the cockpit. "punished for his appearance"? "We specifically requested that you develop and drink an invisiblity serum before work. We're going to visibly lower your salary until you stop blocking your co-pilot's view out the left window with your obstinate opacity." -- K. Trained to act suave and sophisticated, but I constantly disregard my training in the name of airline safety. THAT'S MY EXCUSE THIS WEEK!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Three Mexican schoolgirls suspended for plucking their eyebrows Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 01:53:39 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [I'm catching up on last week's clari.living.bizarre] l'AFP reported: > > MEXICO CITY, Sept 21 (AFP) - Three girls aged 12 to 15 were > suspended from a school in northwestern Mexico for plucking their > eyebrows in violation of regulations that also ban make-up and > miniskirts, media reported on Thursday. Also in the school's art textbooks, the Mona Lisa has had eyebrows glued to her face so as not to encourage anyone else. In any case, why does the school care if the girls want to look like Judge Mills Lane? > The Tijuana school also prohibits girls from wearing trousers as > "this could generate lesbian attitudes," school director Erique > Canett was quoted as saying. Then he added, "I'm going to start walking around in my underwear from now on so that I don't become a lesbian!" > He said the measures were aimed at "averting acts of rebellion > and immoral attitudes." You know, I never thought about it before, but he's right -- big furry eyebrows promote antidisestablishmentarianism. YAY! I JUST SCRABBLED ACROSS THREE REQ SQUARES! > Tijuana is located in the state of Baja California, which for > the past 12 years has been governed by the conservative National > Action Party (PAN) of president-elect Vicente Fox. Never mind that, how many eyebrows does he have? -- K. Centrists have one. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Elton John's excuses for cancelling concert fail to convince organizers Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 02:12:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com like all the best wire-service articles, this one's from l'AFP: > > LISBON, Sept 19 (AFP) - British rock star Elton John expressed > his regret on Tuesday for cancelling a concert last week in Lisbon > at the last minute but failed to calm furious organizers who accused > him of "irresponsibility". Gosh! Good thing they didn't call Elton John "temperamental" or "flamboyant". > In a short statement, John said he regretted not being able to > perform in Lisbon last Wednesday, but did not provide a full > explanation of why he walked out of the casino in the town of > Estoril, near Lisbon, where he was due to perform on September 13. > The singer said he would reschedule the event for November 3, as > long as it "started on time and took place in a smoke-free concert hall." A smoke-free casino? ERROR ERROR DOES NOT COMPUTE DOES NOT COMPUTE BRAIN HALTED I know Elton John is a smart guy -- I mean, he's able to put on his two-foot-high shoes all by himself -- but I cannot fathom someone who storms out of a casino fuming over the presence of smoke. I mean, that's what a casino is FOR! That and drinking. And gambling. And Mafia. Besides, he could always wheel his piano over to the Federally-mandated non-smoking section of the casino. For instance, Mohegan Sun (in Connecticut) is one big circular room about a mile across. Near the center is a three-foot-by-three-foot imaginary rectangle on the floor to represent the non-smoking area. You have to wave your hands furiously to prevent smoke molecules from intruding into this forbidden zone as you play the only one of 10,000 slot machines to be in it. (And it's not even one of the good slot machines, like The Three Stooges, it's one of the DUMB slot machines.) So although non-smoking areas in casinos are bozotic ideas, they are present, and anyway you'd think that with all the money Mr. John makes he could afford to wash the smoke out of his wig afterwards. > A statement from the casino where the concert was to take place > said that "instead of contacting the casino to apologize formally > ... to try to be forgiven by the public ... he persists with his > position of irresponsibility and non-respect of the contract > signed." > John had apparently forgotten that "he had already received all > his fee" of 350,000 euros (300,000 dollars), the statement added. And if he put every one of those 350,000 Euros into a slot machine he'd earn enough Frequent Player points on his card to win his choice of either a sparkly glass ashtray or a five-dollar long-distance calling card! This is how you win big money at casinos -- just lose hundreds of thousands of dollars and then they give you FREE STUFF! > The casino said earlier it had decided to take the singer to > court over the incident. > According to a casino spokesman, half an hour before the show > was due to begin at 11.00 p.m., when some diners were still > finishing their meal, Elton John expressed concern that there were > empty seats in the auditorium and announced that he was going to > take a drive around to relax. > "But he never came back and never gave any explanation," the > casino spokesman said, adding that "there were 1,200 people waiting > for the show." Why didn't they just put one of those Elton John impersonators on stage? Las Vegas is full of creepy celebrity impersonators (although they call them "celebrity tributes" for legal reasons -- they can't claim the guy looks like Elton John, they just have to say he is "celebrity tribute Shelton John" and let you figure out that he looks like Elton John and sings like Elton John but works more cheaply.) The creepiest Las Vegas celebrity impersonator is that guy at the Strat who had the same plastic surgery that Michael Jackson did. I mean, sure, they probably pay him pretty well (at least he probably earns more than the other Michael Jackson impersonators, who still have human faces) but when they finally get around to dynamiting the Strat (it's still losing money hand over fist, and let's face it, there would be no cooler building to dynamite than this incredibly tall twig holding up a huge heavy thing which will fall and crush ten other casinos) I wonder what this guy will do for a living, unless he's saved enough money in his retirement account to have his old face put back on. -- K. I think I just wrote a terrifying sequel to "Face/Off" in which Michael J and John Travolta switch faces and then they both marry Scientologists. But then the Strat falls on them. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 2nd Soviet cosmonaut in space Titov dies in sauna accident Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 02:22:33 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [another wacky news item I didn't have time to comment on last week -- and guess which French news service reported it] > MOSCOW, Sept 21 (AFP) - President Vladimir Putin led tributes > Thursday to German Titov after the second Soviet cosmonaut in space > after Yury Gagarin's 1961 landmark flight, died in a sauna accident > in his Moscow home. Well, see, after Gus Grisson's problem with the hatch blowing open on impact in Liberty Bell 7 (when the capsule sank under the weight of all those monogrammed dimes) NASA redesigned the hatches to be unopenable from the inside, which unfortunately killed him when Apollo 1 caught fire. The canny Soviets took note of this and designed their hatches to be even better than the American ones. They were designed to be unopenable from the inside or the outside under any circumstances, in fact, they were usually welded shut before the cosmonaut got into the capsule. This didn't matter anyhow because the hatches were only three inches wide and the cosmonaut would just climb into the capsule through an open window (Stanislaw Lem was exiled to Poland after he pointed out that the cosmonauts would fall out if they leaned out to wave over Moscow.) When the Soviet Union went bankrupt in the 1980s, they were unable to pay Gharman Titov's salary (or that of his bratwurst-loving twin, German Titov) and so the Titov twins were given an old Soyuz capsule which they used as a steam room. Unfortunately, after the first few baths, they ran out of Energia boosters to use to heat the water, and instead took their toaster oven into the bath with them. -- K. Gagarin also got a capsule as payment, and he used it as a conical house, but after jamming himself inside with the door welded shut he drank too much Earl Grey and they found him drowned in his teepee. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: "Wheelbarrow broadcasters" pitch for prime TV frequency Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 02:25:25 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [continuing my review of last week's News Of The Stupid from a French news service] > PARIS, Sept 17 (AFP) - Three. Two. One. On air. The screen > darkens, a goldfish bowl logo appears briefly and fades, and at > last, only 15 minutes after the advertised time, neighbourhood > television station Tele-Bocal is broadcasting to its 50,000 loyal > fans. > For its launch late Saturday Bocal chose to kick off with a > report on popular reactions to last year's solar eclipse, a > less-than-burning issue that does not seem to disconcert the many > well-wishers who sit around the open-air studio eating merguez > sausages and drinking beer. Wow! I wish the United States got The Old Eclipse Channel! Also I want to know more about these meringue sausages. -- K. There should be a Sausage Channel! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Gravity & Particle Physics Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 03:24:07 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In sci.physics.relativity, Wild-E-Cyoteeee@webtv.net wrote: > > Let me please enlighten you all. Hooray! You're back! Wait, it can't be you. You spelled a whole sentence correctly. > The fist thing is electrons apear and exspand in a patern to maintain > the force of space. That's better. I was a bit worried when you forgot to mangle the fist sentence. > The electron created in time is re created , it dose > not orbit , it apears and re apears. > Electrons are part of space not mater. > Mater was condenced from electrons. > Mater is condenced energy and dose not exspand. Wile all space exspands > at a rate called time , some of the space below you is not exspanding. > You are displaced between exspansion rates of energy. > Light is like a sound in space and magnetisem is like a wave. Mater > was created as the energy of space chilled against the nothingness > outside our universe. This liquified energy formed a bubble that cooled > in layers of dencity identifieing the elements. Didn't the Cub Scouts rename "Boys' Town" to "Den City"? > If you placed mater where the electron should apear in time and then > removed it you would prevent the electron from apearing and the > exspandable energy in that space would be less. I'm sure that Pater would be very upset if you jammed Mater into a place where an electron belongs. > This is the basics for gravitational propulsion. > Gravitational propulsion requires spining cleer steel with laser beams > very fast. And then just moving it of center inside a space ship to > displace directional propulsion. Wieghts are a fine tune method. > The evidence is overwellming . And bsides if your not going to use > some chance some one else will take yours. > Magnetisem is just wave interfearance. > If metalic vibrations make waves that roll over other waves the energy > of the space between is less and the greator space around the two pushes > them together. If the waves colide and peak the enrgy piles up between > and pushes them apart. > Clear steel is allso the door to free energy. No, it's the window to free energy. > This solid super conductor has no friction on its axis,.and can be made > into coils or disk. > It can be spun above light speeds. > Befor you object, let me point out you know not > about light. And dont bring E.I. into it. I didn't even mention my Evil Intentions! Or are you using "E.I." in some other sense? Such as referring to that other great scientist who couldn't spell, Elbert Ienstien? > I dont nead a prehistoric view of reality. [at this point a little window in my computer screen opened up and inside was a little pink bird who said "IT'S A LIVING!" and then some sort of primitive laugh track went off.] > Gravity is a displacement between exspansion rates of energy as not all > the space below you exspands . And thats the same force that created > mater . Tha same force that fills the universe as the time it began. > GODS ACTIVE FORCE > Its realy all simple. > See you in heaven. > Well I have another minet so ..... If I only had one last minute, I wouldn't waste it on dots. > About your soul. Its in your blood on the iron the base of your dna. > You see all you know ,, your brain records on that iron and dna stores > it and makes copies. Every atom of iron contains > all you know so you are yourown witness and have a path to eturnity. > Should I play you back from your dna ? > Jesus left you his iron from his blood and people made copies and so on > till today he is on your dna with you. So how about if I play him back > insted. Can I get him on DVD? > Well im not a religeouse person ! But I have found men could not have > wrote what they could not know. They could not know where the air and > sea came from the crust of the earth. > They could not have known about 6 states of mater when you dont. The > last pages of the bible speak of clear steel . Yes, the invisible pages of the Bible talk about invisible steel. You do realize that the Book Of Doohan is apocryphal, right? No book of the Bible is canon unless Gene Roddenberry wrote it! > But I can tell you all the secrets of the bible. > Its not 666 ! Its when the 6 billion th person is born. Thats what Jhon > was forbiden to write down. Jhon was an obzo! > Would you like to make clear steel ? Clear steel could support the weight of hundreds of Scientologists! > Maybe you would liike to know what heaven will be like ! Your every > thought hapens threw Gods active force . Jesus arose from the dead. > He left you something. > Befor you hide your addictions behind denieing Gods role in the > universe be true to your inter self. Just ask. and you shall have life > at lifes terms. > You cant understand gravity and denie Gods exsistance. When you do > understand gravity you will know Gods active force and many secrets of > the universe and your self as a holagraphic life form ( HOLLY). Sorry, "Red Dwarf" isn't canon either. I suggest you stick to formally- recognized books of the Bible and the first three "Star Wars" films, and avoid BBC productions. I realize this means you have to ignore the research "Blake's 7" did into artificial intelligence and the work "Doctor Who" did on plot elongation. > All 12 churches are ok with jesus. PICK ONE > I dont care if you think it will interfearwith your life styal. Look > where thats geting you ! > Im S. Jobs wo are you ? I tried to read The Book Of Jobs but it was all in really blurry lettering with beeping, flashing, blurry fluorescent blue icons jumping up and down in front of all the blurry lettering, and it made my eyes hurt so much I wish for an interlaced Amiga display. -- K. And then there was The iBook Of Jobs... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: GIVE JEFFMO A HAND EVERYBODY!! Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 03:31:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.net-theories, Wild-E-Cyoteeee@webtv.net wrote: > > [...] > > October 1st is allmost here , my gravitational > propulsion unit is operational ad wil beunvailed at WPafb. in Daton > ohio. You forgot to misspell "Ohio" (unless capitalization counts on the Internet.) Some suggestions: "Oh High Oh" "Oheyo" "Oiho" "Ihoi" "XhiX" "Hawaii Five-O" "Mars" "Potsie" Please endeavor to work some, or preferably all, of those new spellings of "Ohio" into your next scholarly paper about how you bought a ticket to an airshow in some city whose name you know five-sixths of. > Allso two of the diamonds I made are in the genises world book of > records. You mispelled "Penisless Book Of Records". Hope this helps. > I can now prove God talked to Moses and Jesus. I have over 50 things > that no man could have gessed . I have allso found records from ROam > that show Jhon was beheaded and returnd to be imprison then excaped ad > was later found again in cyprus. > The GPU is now at 2 grs. > Electrons are still part of space not atoms . I was following your physics theory until you tried to work some physics words in at the end. -- K. You obzo. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Li'l Jack, Grade 1 Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 04:32:12 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "revjack" (revjack@radix.net) wrote: > > Visited Mom this weekend, and she trotted out this letter my > first grade teacher sent home with me. Dig the grammar and > spelling: > > > Dear Mrs. Lyons, > > Jack is acting up very bad in class. He does it every day > now. I wish you and Mr. Lyons will please talk to him. When > you came in the other day you told me to write or call you > if he still acts up. I can't understand why Jacks wants to > be bad in class. He thinks it's nice. He is acting Just > like Gerry Stephans and that's chronic. He always say he is > sorry and won't do it again, but he does everytimes. you > said the next time that your husband was going to tan his > hide, well I think this is what he need. > > Mrs. Griffin I think you got my letter by mistake. Although I don't know why "Gerry Stephans" is (unless she meant Gerry Anderson, the less-creative half of the married couple who produced "Space: 1999", in which case she hit it right on the nose) otherwise, yes, I do need a good spanking. From your dad. -- K. Yikes! Tony Randall just appeared on my TV! I think that counts the same as a spanking from your dad. So never mind. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Waaah! Pointless meetings! Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 04:39:49 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > [...context lost forever because it's the Postmodern Era, darn it...] > > I only have albinism, which causes minor but significant visual > impairments. > > Maybe I'm just not handicapped _enough_ to date girls on the Internet. I think the moment you start dating on the Internet, it makes you handicapped. Then it's illegal for anyone to discriminate against you. "You're incompetent! You're fired!" "You can't fire me, I'm incompetent BECAUSE I have a severe handicap -- all my social skills consist of staring at a screen while sitting on my hands and giggling." "Oh. I'm sorry. Here, have a big raise instead of a sex life." "Yay! Now I can buy that 'Playboy's Girls Of The Internet' videotape! I hope it's as good as the printed version of 'Playboy's Girls Of The Internet'!" -- K. In 1992 the Clinton-Gore campaign ran with a platform stressing sex and the Internet. Just not at the same time. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: William Blair Needs Music! (was Re: Nobody else here can claim to have rented "Outta Control" twice.) Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 04:50:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [re the "movies" William Blair is always "casting", such as "Agent Action"] Michael Straight (straight@email.unc.edu) wrote: > > Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > > > If I use this contact info to order a VHS copy of one of these > > movies, should I actually have it sent to my own address, or > > should I have it sent directly to Kibo? > > A deep metaphysical question: Would Kibo do a better job of making fun of > an imaginary movie that never gets sent to him or an imaginary movie that > never gets sent to somebody else? > > A deep ethical question: Would it be morally wrong for Kibo to make fun > of an imaginary movie that was ordered on some bozo's credit card but > addresed to Kibo instead? Does the answer change if the imaginary movie > never actually arrives? But then how would I know whether it was imaginary? I might mistakenly assume it was a REAL movie that never arrived! And I'd write a BOZO review of a REAL IMAGINARY movie instead of an IMAGINARY REAL movie! And Roger Ebert would point at me and giggle, "Ha ha! You're an even worse critic than Michael Medved!" And that would hurt my feelings, unless it was just an imaginary version of Roger Ebert, in which case it would only hurt my imaginary feelings. -- K. Please post the names of some imaginary movies and I'll review the best ones. Also please tell me which ones are the best ones. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Happiness Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 05:06:30 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@key-net.net) wrote: > > > > > > > > I had the exact same breakfast! > > > > > > EEEEEeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww. Before, or after? > > > > The same breakfast, not the same INSTANCE of a breakfast. > > I'm still looking for a blender with a disinstantiate button to turn > an onion into some onion. I've been testing the fundamental symmetries of my Grand Unified Theory Of The Universe And Other Onion-Like Objects with a custom-built blender which performs various transformations: button 1 -- turns an onion into an onion in a different place button 2 -- turns an onion into an upside-down onion button 3 -- turns an onion into an inside-out onion button 4 -- turns an onion into an anti-onion button 5 -- turns an onion into a larger onion button 6 -- turns an onion into a better onion button 7 -- turns an onion into a cow button 8 -- turns an onion into two onions button 9 -- turns an onion into everything but an onion button 10 -- turns an onion into button 10 button 11 -- turns you into an onion (not me! you!) button 12 -- turns an onion into the same onion By doing tests with this appraratus, I have proven my theory: SCHR…DINGER'S CAT LIKES ONIONS AND DISLIKES ONIONS AT THE SAME TIME. Also, after the experiments, I peeled away the outer layers of the onion and it was filled with a bunch of acid that would eat through anything. -- K. Or maybe it was just some wadded-up rubber bands around what looked like an almond filled with honey. Do kids still take apart golf balls, or are new ones un-take-apart-able? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Happiness Date: Thu, 28 Sep 2000 10:08:19 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry wrote: > > > > Do kids still take apart golf balls, or are new ones un-take-apart-able? > > In my old room, there is still some of that concrete-like golfball filling > stuff stuck to the roof from when one of them exploded when I tried to > take it apart. Well, the whole thing didn't explode, but still. The ones I took apart twenty years ago I recall had (a) lots of rubber bands wrapped around a pithy little cork wad or sometimes (b) lots of rubber bands wrapped around a little tan rubber nugget filled with what appeared to be honey or corn syrup (I didn't taste it.) I wonder what other secret formulas are inside cheap golf balls? Anyone want to volunteer to go over to the driving range and buy a bucket of balls and run them through a baloney slicer? I think a nice piece of conceptual art would be to run a baloney slicer through a bigger baloney slicer so you could see all its insides. -- K. It would be a very British thing to do, in all British books you're reading about Miss Marple or whomever for ten pages and then suddenly there's an airbrush illustration of a cross-section of a motorcycle floating in a sea of white. With a box around the whole page to keep all the white from dripping out onto the table. British people won't read any book which doesn't have carefully hand- stippled pictures of the insides of things. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Commercial which bothers me. Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 05:19:48 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Know how Taco Bell keeps coming up with new variants, such as "Hey! What if we put a soft taco filled with beans inside a hard taco filled with cheese and called it The Bajatacular Mexisploderito!"? Well, Pizza Hut (which is the same company -- and so is KFC) has been running every possible variation on pizza lately -- cheese on top, cheese in the crust, cheese on the bottom, etc. Their new one seems to be a pizza on top of another pizza (possibly with a soft taco in between.) The TV commercial for this yell: "WE PUT CHEESE IN PLACES YOU NEVER THOUGHT OF!" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! -- K. Dear Pizza Hut, I've been thinking of all places except up John Travolta's ass. You know what to do. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Commercial which bothers me. Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 07:51:06 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [Continuing the thread about what would be the single most popular article of all time according to Web search engines. Disclaimer: I just made this up as I went along, and I emphasize that Joe Bay was the one who needed it. Do not read this story unless you are into EVERYTHING.] Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Know how Taco Bell keeps coming up with new variants, such as > > "Hey! What if we put a soft taco filled with beans inside a hard > > taco filled with cheese and called it The Bajatacular Mexisploderito!"? > > Quickly, Robin, hand me the Bajatacular -- and the tissues! > > [...and in another followup, just to make me happy to have two responses > to my wonderful little article...] > > Dear Kibo: > > Please post more Batman pr0nography. BRUCE WAYNE'S GAY ROMP by Burt Wand Batman was walking down the street in his silken camel-toe leotard with the little lycra panty on the outside. "Gosh! This exciting superhero outfit sure does chafe! And I bet it would be even worse if I hadn't shaved down, you know, there!" he said to himself, unaware that his youthful ward, Dick Grayson, could hear him through the Bat-Sonic-Keyhole which permitted people to eavesdrop on private erotic moments from three blocks away! Quick as a flash, Dick changed into his Robin outfit, in the middle of the street to prove he had nothing to hide. Sliding down a well-oiled Bat-Rope, he jerked himself to a stop directly in front of Batman, his nimble ballet slippers planting themselves in the ground with such firmness that he vibrated to a stop. "Heya, Batman, old pal." "Hello, Robin, my young companion. I am in quite a predicament with these snug tights and oh how they do rub me down there." Robin reached into his bulging outfit and pulled out a huge canister of what appeared to be ordinary household peanut butter, only creamier. "Try this, Batman. A little natural lubricant can help ease the chafing." He reached over and helped Batman out of his confining external underwear and the two of them began to liberally apply peanut butter to Batman's crotchal area. As Robin touched one of the many rods which was harnessed to Batman's utility belt, Batman's body jerked violently as a massive explosion rocked their world! They spun around with a great swish to see Gum E. Krankenschwester pulling up on her Spankocycle! "HOLY HETEROSEXUALITY, BATMAN! THIS STORY'S GOING STRAIGHT!" gulped Robin. "You said a mouthful, Boy Wonder!" ejaculated Batman, "The presence of a nubile, latex-clad woman in this story can mean only one thing, a scene in which I am tortured by the steamy affections of a non-lesbo temptress!" "Don't worry, Batman! Maybe she's just a transvestite!" But as Gum E. Krankenschwester snapped her whip Batman saw, much to his horror, that she had no Adam's Apple or other male anatomy and was, indeed, an actual woman, or a post-op, which was just as bad from his point of view! At the crack of the whip, a dozen perky RubberMaids came running to tie Batman up with rubber hoses. "So, Batman," snarled Gum E. Krankenschwester, "I'm here to see if I can convince you to switch sides." "Never! Once you go Bat-Gay, you never go the other Bat-Way!" "HOLY DISORIENTATION! MY BATMAN WOULD NEVER GIVE UP HIS ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE!" yelled Robin before he was silenced by having a giant rubber baby pacifier shoved into his mouth. He was then forced to wear eight layers of frilly transparent rubber diapers and locked in a giant playpen filled with burning penny loafers and accelerator pedals. He wanted to yell thick and furious words of support to Batman, but try as they might, the words could not escape from his heaving chest concealed beneath his rippling costume. He moaned and slipped into unconsciousness as one of the RubberMaids applied an orbital belt sander to Robin's most tender erogenous zone, his left pinky toe. Batman was soon horrified to discover that Gum E. Krankenschwester was not only kissing him, but he was enjoying it! And when she began spanking him with a Ping-Pong paddle, he liked that too! And he really liked it when she poured a jar of bees down his pants! Batman was coming to realize that heterosexuals could be into S&M every bit as kinky as superheroes. "Oh, yes," gasped Batman, "please pleasure me in ways I do not deserve to be pleasured!" "Silence, worm! It would be dangerously politically incorrect for me to be the bottom in this relationship, what with you being a man and me being a gorgeous woman, therefore I will be the top, and you shall service, pleasure, and generally elevate me, not the other way around! Now, start licking!" She smashed a cream pie into her chest and bade Batman to lick it clean in one easy motion. His mouth had never been so full before, not even when Commissioner Gordon's Christmas party had been crashed by Frank Gorshin, John Astin, AND Jim Carrey at the same time! Batman gobbled down the heavenly, creamy delight that was Cool Whip. "Wait a minute," said Batman, "I just remembered, I don't like Cool Whip. Matter of fact, NOBODY likes cool whip!" He pried his sticky face from between her ample yet symmetrical cleavage and suddenly things began to waver like Jack Lord's hair in the wind. "Everything's gone all blurry! You've drugged me, vile temptress!" Gum E. Krankenschwester snickered as she buckled the now-comatose Batman into a form-fitting leather straitjacket, covered with hundreds of D-rings, each of which was more necessary to the plot of the story than the last. Then she zipped him into an inflatable vinyl bondage cocoon, and then she put the whole assembly into a tank of quick-setting Jell-O of a special new formulation that vibrated continuously except when the person in it was close to climaxing, at which point all motion became impossible for ten minutes. To further exacerbate Batman's wonderfully terrible bondage, the RubberMaids wielded their Kinky Shrinky ray guns, which they used to reduce Batman and the straitjacket and the cocoon and the tank of erotic Jell-O to tiny size, and then Batman was inserted up the butt of a cute little gerbil! Robin, watching from the safety of his kinky crib, cried a single tear of frustration as he saw Batman being placed into permanent extreme bondage. "Oh, how I would give ANYTHING to take his place!" thought the bediapered junior sidekick as one of the RubberMaids blindfolded him and made him eat what she said were worms but tasted a lot like cold spaghetti. Just then, the Bat-Auto-Rescue-Convenient-Plot-Device transmitter attached to Batman's utility sweatsock began beeping, sending a secret signal deep and wide to penetrate the damp recesses of the Batcave! Emerging from the dark depths in the excessively pointy Batplane, Alfred the randy old butler flew high overhead, partly because he liked to watch, and partly because he was pushing the button on his joystick which caused the Batplane to spray everyone with a thick layer of gold paint. The RubberMaids instantly died of skin suffocation, but Gum E. Krankenschwester had the presence of mind to put a dry-cleaning bag over her head so that instead she would die of autoerotic asphyxia! With her last gasp, she stepped on one of Batman's grapes with her thirteen-inch stiletto heels. "Hey," said Batman, "Those were going to be my lunch!" Everyone laughed as they piled into the Batmobile for the drive back to the Batcave, which was located under the Stately Playboy Mansion. But somewhere, far away, on the other side of filthy filthy dirty dirty Gotham City, and even more perverse force was waiting... Agent Action and his Plaster Casting Couch. WILL BATMAN BE EXPOSED TO ANY FURTHER SORTS OF B&D, S&M, D&S, OR MFFFFFFF(NC) ACTION BEYOND THE IMAGINATION OF ANYONE WHO HASN'T SEEN EVERY SINGLE PAGE ON THE WEB? TUNE IN TOMORROW! SAME BAT-TIME! SAME BAT-CHANNEL! YOUR CREDIT CARD WILL BE AUTOMATICALLY BILLED! -- K. I forgot to mention, to have read that, YOU MUST HAVE BEEN 18! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Commercial which bothers me. Date: Thu, 28 Sep 2000 06:09:47 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [the store "BRUCE WAYNE'S GAY ROMP"] > > What really disturbs me is that this was about a bazillion times better > than the real pr0n on alt.sex.stories, even the 92-part Scooby Doo Meets > the Flintstones Orgy story. You have no idea how much you just cheered me up. Thank you. I needed that right now. But don't forget to notice that there was no actual gay sex in the story. This is because I write what I know. And... hey, wait, there's no straight sex either! Waah! -- K. Was it better than the 93-part "Wow, I get to look at the controls of a real Imperial TIE Fighter" story? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: This Just In... Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 05:23:44 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > I'm still using my mouse pad with a six-years-out-of-date area code map of > the United States (one of the angular, stylized ones printed in phone > books, with jagged 3D fault lines at the time zone boundaries), a metric > conversion chart, and rulers in different unit systems along all four > edges, including one in picas. > > It's an "Executive Information Mouse Pad." > > Executives need to measure things in picas all the time, so they can find > out how many inedible objects they want to swallow. I use it just because > it gives me nostalgia for my metric system lunch box. > > I have to mention the metric system lunch box so that Kibo can pick on me > again for voluntarily choosing to own one, at a time when all the other > self-respecting kids had lunch boxes with cooler things on them, like > KISS, or Cylons, or Ed Bishop. When I was six I was sad there wasn't a "Price Is Right" lunch box with Bob Barker and Johnny Olson on the side. Remember Johnny Olson's hair? I used to have nightmares about his disembodied head. Also, remember when grownups were allowed to take lunchboxes to work? Before they put cool stuff on them, I mean. -- K. The alt.religion.kibology lunchbox would have a picture of me on one side and an abstract representation of the concept of what it feels like to have swallowed a whole ice cube thirty seconds ago on the other. And the glass Thermos would be pre-broken. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: This Just In... Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2000 04:52:53 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "ras2" (removethis@gmx.net) wrote: > > My yellow plastic lunchbox explodiated when I dropped it > from a fourth floor window in school. I didn't get a new one. > The End. YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!!! [At this point I was supposed to think of more stuff to say to fill up the rest of this page because I don't like one-line articles, but then the phone rang and I got into a long conversation about lunchboxes and we talked about lunchboxes and everything relating to lunchboxes, but now that the phone call is over I still can't think of anything to say here.] -- K. It would be cool if someone made a lunchbox that was edible. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: This Just In... Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2000 03:43:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > Well, when *I* was in elementary school, I had a cool Peanuts lunch > box and it had color Peanuts cartoons on the outside and black-and- > white Peanuts cartoons on the inside, I also had both a red and a light-blue mid-seventies "Peanuts" metal lunchbox in different years, but I never thought to look inside them for secret extra cartoons! And it's too late to look now because I just sold them both for $100,000,000,0000,00000,0000000,000000000 each! WAAH! (Okay, I made up the last part, but I did have two "Peanuts" lunch boxes, I was very big on "Peanuts" around the same time that I thought that "Match Game '76" was funny because it had grown-ups saying "wee-wee". Oddly, I outgrew "Peanuts" before I outgrew "Match Game".) > but then eventually the inside became rusty somehow so my mom fixed > it by lining the inside with opaque yellow plastic tape. Invisible Rusty Snoopy. You now owe me $100,000000000000000000000,0000000000 for naming you rock band. > But that meant that there was nothing pretty to look at on the inside > of my lunch box! So I fixed that by decorating the inside with > ``Shirt Tales'' stickers, especially my favorite, Pammy the cute little panda. What WAS "Shirt Tales" anyway? It was something about a bunch of bears who were naked from the waist down, right? > Actually, come to think of it, it may have been not stickers but > actually those weird transfer things, the ones where there's a > bunch of color pictures on a piece of wax paper or something and > then you rub the other side with a blunt instrument to make the > pictures transfer off the wax paper and onto something else. > What the heck were those things called? "rub-on transfers" aka "Letraset's only product anyone outside the graphic arts community was familiar with unless you count those plastic storage drawers for it which made up half the set on 'Space: 1999'." Really, they kept using Letraset storage drawers in the background. I guess they had to have a place to keep all those Cyrillic Microgramma Bold Extended letters they kept sticking to the control panels upside down to indicate that in the future, spaceships will be controlled by buttons with upside down backwards R's. -- K. Also there was one episode where Barry Morse drilled through a steel door with a little gun that went "kachunk... kachunk... kachunk..." while producing a little strip of tape with letters embossed in it. Yes, a Dymo Labelmaker of the future! They also had a larger laser drill represented by a four-inch Tasco reflector telescope. It's sad that I know this. It's sadder that I can't finish my "Space: 1999" episode guide because the Sci-Fi Channel won't show it any more and I'm missing a few episodes from my vast library of bad stuff. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: This Just In... Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2000 03:33:31 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > "Kenton 'The Great Requiem' Cernea" (requiem@nemonet.com) wrote: > > > > In grade school (back in the early 80's), I carried a vintage 60's > > Star Trek dome lunchbox. If I still had it, it would be worth enough > > money for me to retire and live to be a million without ever running > > out of money. > > When I was 7, I had a little orange lunchbox and stupid Davey Skelhorn > kicked it and b0rk my thermos and ruined the hot chocolate that mommy made > for me and then I ran home crying and mommy made a phone call and Davey and > his dad showed up at the front door and Davey gave me a BRAND NEW lunchbox > with a BRAND NEW thermos inside. > > ~T (you guys are much better than conventional therapy) So's putting the first dent in your shiny new lunchbox by beating Davey over the head with it. That's what a boy would have done. (This is why you grew up to be a girl!) Boys instinctively know that anything made of metal is a weapon. Even if it hasn't been sharpened yet. I mean, they won't let kids bring guns to school, but they'll let them have these big heavy steel lunchboxes with brass-knuckle-type grips! What sort of hypocrisy is that? I say we should go all the way and ban from schools everything which might be used as weapons, including guns, lunchboxes, and elasticized underwear which could be made into slingshots! -- K. So what TV show was Little Orange on? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Just wondering. Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 19:41:34 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [on the ever-shifting media perceptions of the Internet] robert lindsay (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > > > Do you think anyone even knows there's anything available over the > > Internet anymore other than WWW and email? > > No. There's IRC! That's where all the sixteen-year-olds learn how to make nuclear bombs that they're going to use to blow up their schools! I know because I went on IRC once and asked how to make a bomb and they wouldn't tell me, BECAUSE I'M OVER SIXTEEN!!! > > No, wait. That's the wrong way to ask this. What I really wanna > > know is: How many people do you think are aware that there's anything > > available over the Internet other than WWW and email? Because I > > think I'm going to go downtown and set the National Press Building > > on fire if I know I'll have to spend the rest of my life seeing > > reporters refer to WWW as "the Internet." Well, the reporters discovered Usenet in a big way in the early '90s, when the real story would have been the early days of the Web and the rise of Internet service providers. Then eventually they found the Web but they still didn't know what to do with it, peppering TV newscasts with stories like "GOODYEAR NOW HAS A WEB SITE!!! THAT'S THE WHOLE STORY!!!" about how excited the reporters were every time they got a press release describing a Web site, proving they didn't know how to go look at the Web themselves. This was followed by a brief period of babbling endlessly about portals ("Now you can get your horoscope AND car repair estimates from Yahoo! You'll never need to click onto another Web page again!") Now, ones of the two types of big stories is always fear-mongering about the wrong things that they consider to be privacy violations (the reporters are incredibly terrified of "cookies", especially since none of them has ever sat down and figured out what they are, but when was the last time you saw a news story on how to choose a secure password, or on the existence of packet-sniffers?) and the other is Napster. This is because reporters can figure out what Napster does ("IT LETS YOU LISTEN TO MUSIC!!! ON YOUR COMPUTER!!! YOU COULDN'T DO THAT BEFORE!!!") and indeed when any other computer-related story creeps in it's always because they've received a press-release which has convinced them that program X can allow them to do real-world activity Y on their computer ("Thanks to the NEW Microsoft Media Player, now you can ENLARGE PICTURES!") and nobody else was ever able to figure out how to do that because nobody else ever sent them a press release. So, for the sake of the Internet, next time you do anything actually useful with it, send out a press release. > > Then again, there was a great fear half a decade ago that the > > increasing popularity of the Internet would cause Usenet to get > > so swamped with users that it would no longer be usable at all. > > Clearly such a dire scenario hasn't come to pass. > > No doubt because the amiga and atari ST died out, eliminating > half the flamewars from 1991. The two observations I have about the pathetic "my computer is better than your computer" flamewars which used to be so prevalent (and still linger): 1.) The more similar the two items are, the more hotly debated they'll be, with the participants seeming not to realize that there might be other options which are far better or at least different enough to be more worth contrasting than the two similar items. (I like to think of this as people arguing over whether McDonalds or Burger King has better hamburgers, while down the street some people are quietly eating steak.) 2.) I think in the cases where they're arguing about two similar items where one is actually a little better than the other in some clearly explicable way, the bozos flaming each other about it will often reach the "correct" opinion, but for completely bozo reasons that fixate on details that aren't relevant to normal users (i.e. "Ataris suck because it's impossible to make them multitask in any way" instead of "Ataris suck because they're exactly the same computer as the Amiga except they can't display more than 16 colors at a time and they crash even more often.") For instance, I actually read a rant once by some illiterate overcapitalizer who insisted that Windows 95 was better than Mac OS because... Duke Nukem 3D wasn't available for Mac OS yet. The reporters who talk about different types of computers or operating systems always fixate on such superfluous details, too, like how Sony computers have the "Jog Dial" or how Mac OS X has "Single Window Mode" abd they won't tell you what you really need to know, i.e. the stuff that Sony or Apple deliberately omitted from the press release. ("Well, it crashed fifty times while I was testing it for ten minutes, but I can't tell them that because the press release says this never crashes.") The Mac-vs.-Windows flamewars are doomed to last forever, or at least until people stop using those two operating systems, because neither operating system is better than the other (they're both good at some things, but have horrible problems in their design) and, of course, the Mac-vs.-Windows weenies still don't seem to have thought of dragging things like Windows NT into it, although occasionally you get something bizarre like a "BeOS on a Mac vs. BeOS on a Pentium" flamewar (remember, the more similar the two platforms are, the hotter the debate will be.) I think that works in politics too. The main force behind this my-computer-makes-my-penis-longer stupidity is that a lot of people don't want to even entertain the possibility that they might have purchased a computer which is not the best in every way at all times, because what kind of moron WOULD buy a computer that wasn't better than the neighbors'? And they have to keep pumping themselves up because they're ashamed that they spent the ungodly sum of $1000 to $2000 in something which might not be perfect in every way, and that's far more money than they spend on anything else ever, except for cars, and cars don't count because you don't do as many different things with a car or use it as many hours as a computer and spending $1000 on a computer is a huge expense but people think nothing of plopping down $15000 for a car. They flame each other about cars (and motorcycles) too. > > So, should I be happy or sad about everyone conflating WWW with > > "the Internet"? Remember, your answer will determine whether > > I'll be happy or sad for the rest of my life, so think carefully > > before responding. I think it's mean that you're trying to start the biggest flamewar ever. I refuse to participate in the great "Should Joe Manfre be happy or sad?" flamewar because I am in that camp of people who are above "I am better than you" flamewars and I look down my nose at people who think they are better than other people. -- K. Wow! I got though that whole article without mentioning how the "Linux is a million better than any other computer operating system, including UNIX" geeks are pumped up by all those bozo news stories telling us that Linux is going to unseat Windows as the operating system everyone will have to use by next year! AND REMEMBER WHEN APPLE RELEASES MAC OS X, WINDOWS WILL INSTANTLY GO OUT OF BUSINESS FOREVER!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Just wondering. Date: Thu, 28 Sep 2000 06:03:12 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > I watched Kibo's estate last time he was out of town on business, and > it's really no big deal. The inflatable gorillas aren't nearly as > huge as we were meant to believe. The fountain was supposed to be > filled with Cherry Pez, but I tried one and it was actually > strawberry. > > And you know that big honkin bed that Kibo's constantly bragging > about? The one shaped like a zeppelin? With the words "Love Blimp" > written across the duvet?? Kibo apparently forgot to mention that > he's only 3'4"! I had to sleep out in the livingroom! Next to the > statue of Anson Williams, for crying out loud! It's not a statue! I pay him well enough to endure a little skin suffocation. Although he did complain that I gave all those Girl Scouts handfuls of gold crayons to do the initial application. -- K. Also, I wish people would stop saying "duvet" until I have a chance to look up what sort of porcelain receptacle it is. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Just wondering. Date: Thu, 28 Sep 2000 05:59:05 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > but when was the last time you saw a news story on how to choose > > a secure password, or on the existence of packet-sniffers?) > > Dear Kibo, please give me information on how to choose a password > more secure than the one you're currently using (DeForestShatner), It must contain at least one uppercase letter, at least one lowercase letter, at least one number, and at least one other weird symbol, but not more than one of each from each of those four categories, and also it should be 300 feet long and almost hard enough to remember that you would need to write it on a Post-It Note stuck to the front of your computer but not THAT hard. By the way, modern password-cracking tools can chew through an all-lowercase password in under a day, and a dictionary-word password in under a minute, from what I hear. Not that I know anything about computer security, of course! That would make me susceptible to the allure of THE DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE. > but please do not tell me anything about this pocket-sniffing > fetish you have, because I am a boy of delicate sensibilities. I won't even tell you what the definition of "a promiscuous interface" is. -- K. I made my boss look something up in the RFCs today. I win! (It was in #1700, page 173.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Just wondering. Date: Thu, 28 Sep 2000 05:48:24 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [stuff about how the Atari 1040 ST I used crashed even more often than > > the Amiga 1000 I used] > > You know what makes my Amiga crash? Air conditioning. Hey, Stacia! I think you just scored one of the Internet's most-beloved Original Meme Injections! I sense that from this day forwards, people will be beginning articles with "You know what makes my Amiga crash?" and once this catchphrase clamps onto the nation's collective psyche and the Oxford English Dictionary editors start debating where it came from, we can point to your article above and say "THERE! THERE IS THE O.M.I. OF THE CRASHING AMIGA!" > We don't have a lot of room, so it got put on it's own widdle desk > under an a/c vent, and we had to buy a $2 air-deflector because when > the a/c came on, it made the Amiga go guru on us. My theory is that > it blew around the wrong particles of dust, the ones that have been > holding the computer together since 1990. I wonder what they were holding together before that. "I built a whole skyscraper out of dust! But then someone invented the Amiga and all the dust particles left for their new home!" "It is the matter to dust!" -- Alexander Abian > Yes, it still thinks it's 1977. I'll tell you what year it thinks next > year is, don't worry. The (T) still thinks it's 1977. The (being dismantled now) Green Line elevated platform at North Station (in front of where Boston Garden used to be) had a sign saying that routes would change in April 1977. And then "Star Wars" came out and the (T) employees all fried their brains seeing it over and over and that's why the sign never came down and the "A" branch never reopened. Then "Star Wars: Episode I" came out and before you know it they'd shut down the "E" branch past Brigham Circle... > > I think it's mean that you're trying to start the biggest flamewar > > ever. I refuse to participate in the great "Should Joe Manfre be > > happy or sad?" flamewar because I am in that camp of people who are > > above "I am better than you" flamewars and I look down my nose at > > people who think they are better than other people. > > Kibo, you're a big jerky jerk and you are sexist and you said something > stupid oh and you're lame too!!! Also you're allowed but I don't like it! > And I want you to shut up! And because you won't I'm LEAVING AND NEVER > COMING BACK BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL GUYS WITH GOOBERS FOR BRANES AND SEE IF I > DON'T! Go to hell! Waah! I don't have all that many goobers in my brane! But that's beside the point. Should Joe Manfre be happy? I say he should, because it doesn't hurt me if he's happy, and besides, happy people are more likely to buy stuff, and someday I should start a business or something. -- K. I'm thinking disposable televisions. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: frikkin MUMMIES!!!111!!1! Date: Thu, 28 Sep 2000 06:15:51 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > I finally found some Froot Loops with Mummies the other day. > I realised why I had trouble finding them. The box says "MARSHMALLOW > BLASTED!" across the top with a huge spinning Pokething on the front. > Then in teeeeensy weeeensy li'l type up at the top, they say "with > Mummies!". Also, there's a little glowy picture of a floaty gymsock > in the left corner. This is because Froot Loops Mummies are made from a mysterious glowing substance that hovers exactly three feet off the ground at all times. If you eat too much of it, strange things will come out of your butt and start following you around instead of getting flushed away. You have been warned -- the gastrointestinal effects of Hover Doots are almost as bad as what BooBerry does! > Upon delving into the box, I first discover that, though it's been a > while since I've bought a box of Froot Loops, I certainly don't > remember them looking so shockingly painfully horribly radioactively > bright. Then, I find out that among the neon cereal rings, there are > indeed little white blobs of marshmallow, vaguely shaped like a > sarchophigooose, possibly that had been dipped many times over in to a > vat of Gesso. "Batman Meets Gessofinger: An Erotic Mummification Adventure -- NOW WITH MORE MARSHMALLOWS!" Leah, I'll let you write that one. I think I used up all my dirty Batman ideas last night. It'll take me at least a week to think of another dozen. -- K. Not to change the subject, but... why is Wonder Woman's hair blue? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lamest fortune EVER! Date: Thu, 28 Sep 2000 10:20:22 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > Check out this actual fortune from the fortune cookie that came with > my lunch today: > > ``Happiness is a state of mind.'' > > Gaah! The ersatz Chinese carryout down the street from where I work > is getting its fortune cookies from the Obvious Bag! I have three which rival that for lameness -- I swear I am not making these up: "To achieve success you must tax your btains." "You long to see the pyramids of Egypt." "You like Chinese food." The first and second are wrong in different ways, and the third was probably written by the guy who draws "Ziggy". -- K. Also once I got one with no fortune inside. And no, I didn't swallow the slip, it was just A DEFECTIVE COOKIE. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.xaonon From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lamest fortune EVER! Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2000 03:19:19 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Xaonon" (xaonon@mediaone.net) wrote: > > A friend of mine once got a fortune that said: > > "Your greatest weakness is your stupidity." > > He framed it, and it's currently hanging on his wall above the foot of > his bed. Hmm, that could be a new story I could write -- Mr. Evil Mean Weiner Gets A Job In The Fortune Factory. "You're fat and bald and ugly and stupid and you'll never have sex again! HA HA HA!" No, wait, that's the people writing Hallmark's 40th-birthday cards. Just what IS it with the insult-based humor in "greeting" cards? -- K. I remember when business cards used to be called "calling cards" before they realized you couldn't make long-distance calls with just a business card. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I am such a geek Date: Thu, 28 Sep 2000 10:34:11 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "And knowing is half the battle." (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I got all drooly over a 'so large you could nearly fly it and be shot down by > guys hired from casting agencies' > LEGO BRAND Tie Fighter. At the Mall Of America (the second largest mall I've been to this summer) I liked how the Lego Star Wars display (in the little "Lego Imagination Pavillion") had an actual Lego Death Star in it (kind of small, but it was nice to see people making round objects of ultimate evil out of hundreds of exquisitely rare little grey bricks) and at the base of the diorama, in one corner of the scene with the charred corpses of Luke's aunt and uncle, were a little Lego George Lucas with a cameraman and boom-mike operator. Someone had drawn facial hair on one of the little yellowheads to make George Lucas, just like he drew an orange ellipse around the exploding Death Star to make "The Special Edition". So anyway someone made a little Lego George Lucas and a Lego Jordan Cronenweth and even a Lego Ben Burtt and you could practically see the little Lego gears turning inside Lego Lucas's head as he was thinking, "Hey! Next I'm going to go film a Lego version of 'Howard The Duck'!" Then I realized that they must be cheating and using computers to lay out the big ellipsoidal objects made of little cubes, after I studied the four-foot-long chubby blimp hanging overhead, and then I ran away when I realized it was hanging from piano wire and probably weighed two hundred pounds. Unless it were hollow, which would be CHEATING. They also cheated on their International Space Station model, using non-regulation BEIGE Legos to make the astronauts' suits (so they aliens would think they were nude?) The also made the solar panels hunter green and the Kibo module wasn't oversized enough. And their life-size model of Michael Jackson with yellow skin had giant red clown shoes made from Lego blocks, but they cheated and used REAL LACES to lace up the block shoes! Everyone knows real laces don't work on Lego clown shoes! Just ask Lego Bozo! I also noted that they had giant Lego models made from giant Lego bricks made from tiny Lego bricks. But the giant Lego people made from tiny Lego blocks were assembling other things from tiny blocks while working in a superstructure composed of giant Lego blocks! I was very confused and then I realized the Universe is just an electron inside a giant Lego atom inside an overrated mall. And they also had a giant Lego midget being continuously electrocuted! -- K. That was the only thing I liked about that wimpy little mall except for the public drinking fountain shaped like a giant doggie dish. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: friends of James Parry Date: Thu, 28 Sep 2000 10:44:41 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net wrote: > > Some friends of James Parry may be can become good people. They are not > suppose to be associated with bad people. James Parry and his friends make > fun of people. That is a sin. God will punish people associated with > dishonest people. Gosh! Which book of the Bible says all that about me? As far as I knew until now the only mentions of me in the Bible were the parts about my invisible glass zeppelin, and the colophon! > Poot, red and some people who are not extremely bad need to get away from > that group. James Parry and his friends who are mean are not friends to any > person. They are like the devil and bad angels. They will eat each other. YAY! NOW I HAVE FRIENDS! THANK YOU FOR ASSIGNING ME SOME FRIENDS, KURT! But I would never eat my friends and mash up the bodies of my friends between my teeth because the Bible says not to eat friends who have the bodies of animals between their teeth until they get braces to reduce the twelve-inch gaps between their teeth. > Find people who are honest. Be friends with them. Do not waste your time > with people who are creepy. God will punish any person associated with James > Parry and his friends. It is not worth it. Also, Kurt, "Timequake" really wasn't as good as your other books. -- K. By the way, Kurt, I like to think of you as a friend. Care to come over for dinner? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: curses Date: Thu, 28 Sep 2000 10:56:18 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Luke Breinig (lbreinig@alltel.net) wrote: > > In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net wrote: > > > > Using praying to God I have tried to create curses against all my theories. > > It would be good if any person who knows any of my theories is doomed. > > [We now cut to a bullet train, moving at near-sonic speeds, with the > letters C-L-U-E painted on the side, in 15-foot tall, bright orange > Garamond, meanwhile Kurt is sitting on the tracks, mere meters from the > approaching train, playing with a dead bug] I don't know if Kurt can read Garamond. You should use a font that's more his speed, preferably one without serifs or sharp corners or curves or anything. I would suggest Braille spelled out with clusters of six nuclear bombs per letter. > NOTE TO KURT, READ THIS VERY CAREFULLY: > > IF YOU DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR THEORIES, YOU PROBABLY > SHOULDN'T POST THEM TO USENET. YOU DO REALIZE THAT THOUSANDS, POSSIBLY > MILLIONS, OF PEOPLE CAN READ THIS NEWSGROUP, DON'T YOU? FURTHERMORE, YOU > SHOULD STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR THEORIES. FULLY 99% OF THIS NEWSGROUP, > AND PROBABLY THE REST OF USENET DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOUR THEORIES. THE > REMAINDER DON'T CARE. IF YOU DON'T WANT THE SLIMES TO READ YOUR > THEORIES, DON'T POST THEM. THE NEXT TIME GOD SENDS YOU A THEORY, JUST > WRITE IT DOWN IN YOUR "DINOSAURS ARE FUN" ACTIVITY BOOK, AND HIDE IT > UNDER YOUR PILLOW. OR, BETTER YET, DON'T WRITE IT DOWN AT ALL. JUST HIT > YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE WALL UNTIL THE VOICES ARE QUIET AGAIN. When I reprint this in some future "Best Of Alt.Religion.Kibology" anthology volume, I promise I will typeset the above in fifteen-foot-tall Garamond. And not just any 15-foot Garamond... 15-foot Garamond BOLD. -- K. Dinosaurs aren't fun! They're mean! They keep turning into oil just to power bullet trains! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: writing sucks say's diagnosed. mental impairment 15component unified theory Date: Thu, 28 Sep 2000 10:56:48 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, redwriter195@webtv.net wrote: > > post and swill talk ,remember^^^P=3 . > KX=TE. > E=energy. > T=time ''yes one reference''. > X=matter. > K=A lot of talk. > P=H+E+L. > H=space. > E=matter. > L=light, > or. > H=heaven. > E=earth. > L=light. > GE=Good job. > ALSO good job = MICRO SOFT. > some oppp=Gallo > Contact @ redwrither195 > MA'STARA,M. MOM! WILD E. CYOTE'S CHEATING BY COPYING HIS WEBTV RANTS FROM MANLEY HUBBELL! -- K. When Bill Gates bought WebTV Inc., it was part of his master plan to corner the market for mad science. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Quick, someone tell Kurt Stocklmeir about new IntelliSlime! Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2000 02:56:06 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Mark Hill pointed me to this AFP article on an Australian Web site: -> Smart slime shows it has power to a-maze -> -> Paris: Squidgy slime mould with just a single cell to its name has -> the intelligence to find the shortest way around a maze, Japanese -> researchers say. Never mind the Sqiudgy slime mold. What about the Big Ragoo and Potsie slime molds? (Yes, Potsie was in one of the first-season episodes of "Laverne & Shirley", Laverne wanted to date him because he was the best dancer in all Milwaukee.) -> Scientists from the Bio-Mimetic Control Research Centre in Nagoya took a -> piece of Physarum polycephalum, an amoeba-like organism, and placed it in -> a 30-square-centimetre maze consisting of a path of smooth gel on which it -> could travel, and "walls" of dry plastic film which it shunned. -> -> The slime then spread out its network of tube-like legs, called -> pseudopodia, to fill up all the available space in the maze. -> -> Enticing pieces of food, ground oat flakes, were placed at separate exit -> points of the maze. There were four possible routes between those two -> points. -> -> Sensing the food, the slime withdrew from the dead ends of the maze then -> stretched out its entire body along the shortest possible route between -> the two piles of nutrients, effectively "solving" the puzzle. I see, so, they waited for mold to grow to fill the ENTIRE maze, after having specifically designed the maze so that all the dead ends would cause those parts of it to STARVE and wither. I'm not sure this counts as "intelligence" in the way that a slime mold finishing Beethoven's Tenth Symphony would. -> "To maximise its foraging efficiency, and therefore its chances of -> survival, the [slime] changes its shape in the maze to form one thick tube -> covering the shortest distance between the food sources," they write. In other words, it SHRINKS! (I can think of parts of my body that become smarter in cold water!) -> "This remarkable process of cellular computation implies that cellular -> materials can show a primitive intelligence." "computation"? -> The study is published in Nature, the British science weekly. Wake me when a slime mold starts building mazes and trapping Japanese researchers inside them. I'd pay to see that. Especially if it also involved flubber. -- K. Or marshmallow mummies, as long as they contained 50% flubber by volume. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: world's most informal movie critique: "Damnation Alley" Date: Sun, 1 Oct 2000 07:34:24 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I wasn't intending to post this -- it was originally a series of E-mails I wrote while watching "Damnation Alley" (1977) on cable -- but I figured that everyone else on alt.religion.kibology is as interested in "Damnation Alley" as I am. I make no apologies for the disheveled nature of these extemporizations. I also shall not gloss the sub-references. ----- begin movie notes ----- I'm watching "Damnation Alley" for the first time since I saw the last thirty minutes when I was ten. A nuclear war has knocked the Earth off its axis, causing the sky to be filled with Laserium! Mork calling Orson... Mork calling Orson... that looks like the molecular structure of protein! INPUT CONTRARY TO EST_BL_SHED P_R_M_T_RS JUST ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL I'm sorry, I react that way to all super-awesome Laserium effects. Oh, my, now a giant tiny scorpion is menacing the camera. This is really bad. The scorpions have no shadows and everything else does. And the sky keeps changing color. Okay, now the scorpions have shadows but their bodies are solid back. Still, I gotta admit, it's better than that stinky stinky David E. Kelley movie about the giant alligator, which was billed as a comedy even though it didn't even contain any attempts at intentional wackiness whatsoever. Boring "Jaws" knockoff through and through plus a cameo by Betty White and heaping tons of AWFUL dialogue. At least "Damnation Alley" has attempts at dialogue. Oh no, now their base is being destroyed by stock footage from "Earthquake" at the wrong aspect ratio with added explosions drawn on the film in crayon! "Damnation Alley" may be a cheezer cheezer but it sure ain't boring. I can't wait until we get to the part about the Paperboy 2000! ----- They just showed the three wheels rotating on Landmaster One. Or was it Landmaster Two? I have to keep reminding myself that they're in TWO of these trucks because THEY NEVER SHOW THEM BOTH IN THE SAME SHOT, EVER!!! Also the color, amount, and existence of Laserium changes from shot to shot. I think they blew all their budget on travelling mattes to change blue sky to Laserium. And on the weird black outline around Jan-Michael Vincent's poofy hair whenever he's in front of the window looking out at the Laserium. Curious that although from the outside the Landmaster's middle third is made of some sort of flexible rubberized canvas which keeps twisting, from the inside it appears to be a rigid cheap little set with stagehands gently shoving it from side to side. Why does the Landmaster engine make a helicopter noise? ----- Jan-Michael Vincent is being instructed in the use of the onboard control computer. Which consists of a desktop calculator with the roll of paper missing but the "TEXAS INSTRUMENTS" logo still clearly visible above the seven-segment LEDs. Now he's tuning his Archer CB to Channel 17. Because the first 16 channels are, I suppose, reserved for use by chuds. The radar screen is picking up a blurry still picture of some blotches which represent a solarized dust cloud... ON TWOS! This movie never ceases to amaze me with its craptacularity! And every few minutes, there's a shot of the three tires switching places. ----- Landmaster Two survived the sandstorm by parking, which made the camera tilt back and forth as the two guys inside fell in different directions. But Landmaster One drove through the sandstorm, which was represent by Jan-Michael Vincent frantically pretending he was really driving with his steering wheel. Then the music went "BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BLEEBLE BLEEBLE BLEEBLE" to indicate danger. (Sounds like someone on Venus Drugs is walking past the sickbay scanners again.) Oh no, they just killed the guy named Parry! I like how their CO has a glued-on mustache. Looks like they bought it at Woolworth's. Odd, all of Las Vegas has been destroyed except for Circus Circus. Where all the slot machines are still lit up even though all the neighboring casinos have been carefully erased from the matte painting. Yet the bungee jump crane is still standing. Aww, they're not even going upstairs to see the scary clowns! So, except for the dust on the floor, Circus Circus after a nuclear war in 1977 looks exactly like it does in 2000. Except that there are no spurious fire alarms or "Baby Geniuses" cast members there. And there's a woman with a Farrah hairdo living there! I wonder where she gets get mousse after the holocaust. So, all of Las Vegas instantly ceased to exist except for one undamaged casino, and everyone in it died except for one person. And the bomb gave her a wacky German accent. ----- Okay, now they're in the midst of a region completely filled with red Laserium. Hopefully the Viper fighters will be able to blow up the Cylon mines in their path. The music now sounds like Wendy Carlos on 'ludes. Ah, the Laserium's turned green, it's safe for them to stop. It's always good when the special effects are color-coded. They're about to figure out that all the rubber in the world was eaten by that one cockroach we keep seeing in inserts, I think. Yep, they just noticed that the skeletons are oddly clean, as if they've either been polished or were bought at Spencer Gifts. (Shouldn't the Andromeda Supercolony be over one of the doubly concave states by now?) Ooh, they're "armor-plated cockroaches". Unlike normal ones. Now a little carpet with cockroaches glued to it is being pulled towards them by invisible wires. I hope Robert Duvall and Martin Landau don't get attacked by any Bee Carpets while this is happening. Oh, good, you can kill roaches by spraying them with fog from a fire extinguisher. So what do the roaches live on now that everything's been stripped clean of rubber and/or flesh? Ah, Jan-Michael Vincent used his motorcycle to jump over the roaches. And the Landmaster is smashing through a wall made entirely of baking soda. In a war between the Landmaster and the Landram, who would win? I say the Landram, because it was built by Thiokol, makers of crispy O-rings. ----- They've passed into Blue Laserium Town, where a kid threw rocks at Jan-Michael Vincent for a while (yay) hitting him twice (YAY!) So Jan chased the kid down and started wrestling with him, and yelled "Hey, c'mere and help... do you wanna see me get whipped by a kid?" and George Peppard just stood there and watched, god bless him. Then they drove into Orange Laserium Land, but apparently orange Laserium is harmless because George Peppard spent the time explaining his theory that a second nuclear war would knock the Earth back onto its axis and everything would be fine again. Duh? Then he used a cordless electric razor to trim his pretend mustache. ----- http://www.laserium.com/gallery/Corelli1.jpg It comes in five flavors: Geezba, Shabza, Bezba, and Sheeshmanee! (I DARE you to ask Robin Williams about that line someday.) Hey, wait a minute! "Damnation Alley" isn't on their resume! > Laserium Effects Have Been Featured In The Following: > > Films > > American Pop > The Black Hole > Brainstorm > Congo > Disclosure > Dead Of Night > Invitation To Hell > The Jazz Singer > Matti > Nijinsky > Starman > Star Trek: The Motion Picture > Star Trek: The Wrath Of Khan > Swordkill > 2010 > > Television > > ABC Network Olympic Promotions > Battlestar Galactica > CBS News (L.A.) 'Hypnosis Special' > Chevy Citation Commercial > Chips > Click-TV Game Show > Datsun Commercial > Diana Ross Filmed Concert Effects > Disney Channel > Dodge Commercial > Eye On L.A. > Fantasy Island > Shirley Maclain's 'Where Do We Go From Here' > Gary Wright Filmed Concert Effects > Hanna-Barbera 'Space Stars' > Honeywell Commercial > Japan Air Lines Commercial > Jolly Rancher Commercial > Moonlighting Series Premiere > Mork & Mindy > MTV > Nat. Geographic Children's Spec. > Nat. Geographic Hi-Tech Special > NBC Kron News Special > NBC 'Master-TV' Series > Nissan Commercial > Orkin Commercial > PBS 'Fast Forward' Series > Pepsi/Miami Vice Commercial > PM Magazine > Ripley's Believe It Or Not > Sears Craftsman Tool Commercial > Tales Of The Unexpected > Universal 'Silverspoons' > Westinghouse Commercial > Wrangler Commercial ...but otherwise everything on that list is a real winner. I didn't think Laserium was in business when Al Jolson made his first talkie! Now I know better. He wasn't really in blackface, they were just shining a black-colored laser on him! ----- They just encountered another gross and disgusting survivor... ...who looks like David Brenner with a Manson wig. And covered in running open sores. And you can hear him breathe from across the room. This movie is charming. But like I said, it's never boring. You could play the "circle anything stupid" game with this movie and wear your marker down to a nub. Hey, during the hostage crisis, that kid took a lollipop and jumped out a window WITHOUT PAYING FOR IT! And the German woman's shouting "Bee-lee, Bee-lee, come back!" YAY, NOW THERE'S A SHOWER SCENE! AND IT'S NOT JAN-MICHAEL VINCENT! AND SHE'S SHOWERING WHILE THE TIRES ARE BEING ROTATED!!! IT'S A LOT LIKE LIVING IN SPACE!!!!! So why does the topmost tire spin as fast as the ones that are touching the ground? Now the sky is full of upside-down water ripples! They'll never get to Albany if they keep watching the pretty cheap special effects. They're driving through a Detroit junkyard. The Landmaster fits right in. I guess they need to scavenge some parts because it's making coughing noises and not sounding like Airwolf. The kid just asked Jan if he hears a noise "like a whining." The sky just filled with double-speed red Laserium but they haven't noticed. Look up, you clods! Watch out for the Benny Hill Laserium! ----- If this doesn't turn out to have been genuine Laserium brand laser scribbling I'll feel ripped off. About Laserium's first radio ad (early 1970s), http://cxn.exploratorium.edu/ronh/1st_laser_ad.ram ...don't you get the impression that Carl Sagan was really baked? What the -- jerky, spastic white hyphens on twos are shooting through the sky making honking-clown-nose noises. And seen from Space, the Earth is slowly being covered with red paint from above (that old corporate logo always bothered me, and now I know why.) Oh, dear, when the camera pans, the sky doesn't quite keep up. The sky looks a lot like the sky over Fremont Street. Except I think Fremont Street doesn't exist, just Circus Circus. Now stock footage of crashing surf on twos is attacking them. Their little truck is shaking up and down from the offscreen water. All this stock footage of floods washing away shacks is obviously black and white, too. The Landmaster is sinking (on twos, of course) and it's going "BLOOP BLOOP BLOOP". Sure, at the beginning they SAID it could go underwater, but it's called the LANDmaster not the STOCKFOOTAGEOFWATERmaster. "Hey, looks like it's clearing up! The sky's blue!" And yes, it is, as the tiny toy truck floats in the studio water tank. (Somewhere in the distance, Truman Burbank is sailing his boat. I just hope the stock footage of lightning doesn't come back or the Minnow could be lost.) So, the Landmaster can drive over water. It's got good treads. Now not only is the sky a normal color, but there are trees and grass. They must have crossed the river into Canada. I expect that George Peppard will remark that the clever plot twist is that they forgot the nuclear war only destroyed the U.S., The End. They picked up a radio station broadcasting music, and are celebrating by firing guns into the air. George Peppard is radioing the woman at the station: "We are near a large body of water, can you locate us?" She explains that they're seventeen miles from Albany. Wow, Albany has bigger mountains than I remembered. Jan-Michael and the kid rode their cycle into town (because Jan thought the woman sounded like a redhead) and there were people there and it immediately freeze-framed and ended. No word on whether this catharsis knocked the Earth back onto its axis to make all those casinos never have been blown up. The End. ----- end movie notes ----- Well, I think now you understand why I say that "Damnation Alley" is an all-too-plausible vision of what the future might be like if it took place in 1977 and a nuclear war made the Earth fall over which didn't have any ill effects except to reduce movie budgets and make us look at close-ups of Jan-Michael Vincent with big hair. -- K. We should hire Laserium to put on a show in alt.religion.kibology.