Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Quick, someone tell Kurt Stocklmeir about new IntelliSlime! Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2000 02:56:06 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Mark Hill pointed me to this AFP article on an Australian Web site: -> Smart slime shows it has power to a-maze -> -> Paris: Squidgy slime mould with just a single cell to its name has -> the intelligence to find the shortest way around a maze, Japanese -> researchers say. Never mind the Sqiudgy slime mold. What about the Big Ragoo and Potsie slime molds? (Yes, Potsie was in one of the first-season episodes of "Laverne & Shirley", Laverne wanted to date him because he was the best dancer in all Milwaukee.) -> Scientists from the Bio-Mimetic Control Research Centre in Nagoya took a -> piece of Physarum polycephalum, an amoeba-like organism, and placed it in -> a 30-square-centimetre maze consisting of a path of smooth gel on which it -> could travel, and "walls" of dry plastic film which it shunned. -> -> The slime then spread out its network of tube-like legs, called -> pseudopodia, to fill up all the available space in the maze. -> -> Enticing pieces of food, ground oat flakes, were placed at separate exit -> points of the maze. There were four possible routes between those two -> points. -> -> Sensing the food, the slime withdrew from the dead ends of the maze then -> stretched out its entire body along the shortest possible route between -> the two piles of nutrients, effectively "solving" the puzzle. I see, so, they waited for mold to grow to fill the ENTIRE maze, after having specifically designed the maze so that all the dead ends would cause those parts of it to STARVE and wither. I'm not sure this counts as "intelligence" in the way that a slime mold finishing Beethoven's Tenth Symphony would. -> "To maximise its foraging efficiency, and therefore its chances of -> survival, the [slime] changes its shape in the maze to form one thick tube -> covering the shortest distance between the food sources," they write. In other words, it SHRINKS! (I can think of parts of my body that become smarter in cold water!) -> "This remarkable process of cellular computation implies that cellular -> materials can show a primitive intelligence." "computation"? -> The study is published in Nature, the British science weekly. Wake me when a slime mold starts building mazes and trapping Japanese researchers inside them. I'd pay to see that. Especially if it also involved flubber. -- K. Or marshmallow mummies, as long as they contained 50% flubber by volume. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.xaonon From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lamest fortune EVER! Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2000 03:19:19 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Xaonon" (xaonon@mediaone.net) wrote: > > A friend of mine once got a fortune that said: > > "Your greatest weakness is your stupidity." > > He framed it, and it's currently hanging on his wall above the foot of > his bed. Hmm, that could be a new story I could write -- Mr. Evil Mean Weiner Gets A Job In The Fortune Factory. "You're fat and bald and ugly and stupid and you'll never have sex again! HA HA HA!" No, wait, that's the people writing Hallmark's 40th-birthday cards. Just what IS it with the insult-based humor in "greeting" cards? -- K. I remember when business cards used to be called "calling cards" before they realized you couldn't make long-distance calls with just a business card. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: This Just In... Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2000 03:33:31 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > "Kenton 'The Great Requiem' Cernea" (requiem@nemonet.com) wrote: > > > > In grade school (back in the early 80's), I carried a vintage 60's > > Star Trek dome lunchbox. If I still had it, it would be worth enough > > money for me to retire and live to be a million without ever running > > out of money. > > When I was 7, I had a little orange lunchbox and stupid Davey Skelhorn > kicked it and b0rk my thermos and ruined the hot chocolate that mommy made > for me and then I ran home crying and mommy made a phone call and Davey and > his dad showed up at the front door and Davey gave me a BRAND NEW lunchbox > with a BRAND NEW thermos inside. > > ~T (you guys are much better than conventional therapy) So's putting the first dent in your shiny new lunchbox by beating Davey over the head with it. That's what a boy would have done. (This is why you grew up to be a girl!) Boys instinctively know that anything made of metal is a weapon. Even if it hasn't been sharpened yet. I mean, they won't let kids bring guns to school, but they'll let them have these big heavy steel lunchboxes with brass-knuckle-type grips! What sort of hypocrisy is that? I say we should go all the way and ban from schools everything which might be used as weapons, including guns, lunchboxes, and elasticized underwear which could be made into slingshots! -- K. So what TV show was Little Orange on? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: This Just In... Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2000 04:52:53 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "ras2" (removethis@gmx.net) wrote: > > My yellow plastic lunchbox explodiated when I dropped it > from a fourth floor window in school. I didn't get a new one. > The End. YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!!! [At this point I was supposed to think of more stuff to say to fill up the rest of this page because I don't like one-line articles, but then the phone rang and I got into a long conversation about lunchboxes and we talked about lunchboxes and everything relating to lunchboxes, but now that the phone call is over I still can't think of anything to say here.] -- K. It would be cool if someone made a lunchbox that was edible. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: This Just In... Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2000 03:43:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > Well, when *I* was in elementary school, I had a cool Peanuts lunch > box and it had color Peanuts cartoons on the outside and black-and- > white Peanuts cartoons on the inside, I also had both a red and a light-blue mid-seventies "Peanuts" metal lunchbox in different years, but I never thought to look inside them for secret extra cartoons! And it's too late to look now because I just sold them both for $100,000,000,0000,00000,0000000,000000000 each! WAAH! (Okay, I made up the last part, but I did have two "Peanuts" lunch boxes, I was very big on "Peanuts" around the same time that I thought that "Match Game '76" was funny because it had grown-ups saying "wee-wee". Oddly, I outgrew "Peanuts" before I outgrew "Match Game".) > but then eventually the inside became rusty somehow so my mom fixed > it by lining the inside with opaque yellow plastic tape. Invisible Rusty Snoopy. You now owe me $100,000000000000000000000,0000000000 for naming you rock band. > But that meant that there was nothing pretty to look at on the inside > of my lunch box! So I fixed that by decorating the inside with > ``Shirt Tales'' stickers, especially my favorite, Pammy the cute little panda. What WAS "Shirt Tales" anyway? It was something about a bunch of bears who were naked from the waist down, right? > Actually, come to think of it, it may have been not stickers but > actually those weird transfer things, the ones where there's a > bunch of color pictures on a piece of wax paper or something and > then you rub the other side with a blunt instrument to make the > pictures transfer off the wax paper and onto something else. > What the heck were those things called? "rub-on transfers" aka "Letraset's only product anyone outside the graphic arts community was familiar with unless you count those plastic storage drawers for it which made up half the set on 'Space: 1999'." Really, they kept using Letraset storage drawers in the background. I guess they had to have a place to keep all those Cyrillic Microgramma Bold Extended letters they kept sticking to the control panels upside down to indicate that in the future, spaceships will be controlled by buttons with upside down backwards R's. -- K. Also there was one episode where Barry Morse drilled through a steel door with a little gun that went "kachunk... kachunk... kachunk..." while producing a little strip of tape with letters embossed in it. Yes, a Dymo Labelmaker of the future! They also had a larger laser drill represented by a four-inch Tasco reflector telescope. It's sad that I know this. It's sadder that I can't finish my "Space: 1999" episode guide because the Sci-Fi Channel won't show it any more and I'm missing a few episodes from my vast library of bad stuff. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: world's most informal movie critique: "Damnation Alley" Date: Sun, 1 Oct 2000 07:34:24 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I wasn't intending to post this -- it was originally a series of E-mails I wrote while watching "Damnation Alley" (1977) on cable -- but I figured that everyone else on alt.religion.kibology is as interested in "Damnation Alley" as I am. I make no apologies for the disheveled nature of these extemporizations. I also shall not gloss the sub-references. ----- begin movie notes ----- I'm watching "Damnation Alley" for the first time since I saw the last thirty minutes when I was ten. A nuclear war has knocked the Earth off its axis, causing the sky to be filled with Laserium! Mork calling Orson... Mork calling Orson... that looks like the molecular structure of protein! INPUT CONTRARY TO EST_BL_SHED P_R_M_T_RS JUST ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL I'm sorry, I react that way to all super-awesome Laserium effects. Oh, my, now a giant tiny scorpion is menacing the camera. This is really bad. The scorpions have no shadows and everything else does. And the sky keeps changing color. Okay, now the scorpions have shadows but their bodies are solid back. Still, I gotta admit, it's better than that stinky stinky David E. Kelley movie about the giant alligator, which was billed as a comedy even though it didn't even contain any attempts at intentional wackiness whatsoever. Boring "Jaws" knockoff through and through plus a cameo by Betty White and heaping tons of AWFUL dialogue. At least "Damnation Alley" has attempts at dialogue. Oh no, now their base is being destroyed by stock footage from "Earthquake" at the wrong aspect ratio with added explosions drawn on the film in crayon! "Damnation Alley" may be a cheezer cheezer but it sure ain't boring. I can't wait until we get to the part about the Paperboy 2000! ----- They just showed the three wheels rotating on Landmaster One. Or was it Landmaster Two? I have to keep reminding myself that they're in TWO of these trucks because THEY NEVER SHOW THEM BOTH IN THE SAME SHOT, EVER!!! Also the color, amount, and existence of Laserium changes from shot to shot. I think they blew all their budget on travelling mattes to change blue sky to Laserium. And on the weird black outline around Jan-Michael Vincent's poofy hair whenever he's in front of the window looking out at the Laserium. Curious that although from the outside the Landmaster's middle third is made of some sort of flexible rubberized canvas which keeps twisting, from the inside it appears to be a rigid cheap little set with stagehands gently shoving it from side to side. Why does the Landmaster engine make a helicopter noise? ----- Jan-Michael Vincent is being instructed in the use of the onboard control computer. Which consists of a desktop calculator with the roll of paper missing but the "TEXAS INSTRUMENTS" logo still clearly visible above the seven-segment LEDs. Now he's tuning his Archer CB to Channel 17. Because the first 16 channels are, I suppose, reserved for use by chuds. The radar screen is picking up a blurry still picture of some blotches which represent a solarized dust cloud... ON TWOS! This movie never ceases to amaze me with its craptacularity! And every few minutes, there's a shot of the three tires switching places. ----- Landmaster Two survived the sandstorm by parking, which made the camera tilt back and forth as the two guys inside fell in different directions. But Landmaster One drove through the sandstorm, which was represent by Jan-Michael Vincent frantically pretending he was really driving with his steering wheel. Then the music went "BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BLEEBLE BLEEBLE BLEEBLE" to indicate danger. (Sounds like someone on Venus Drugs is walking past the sickbay scanners again.) Oh no, they just killed the guy named Parry! I like how their CO has a glued-on mustache. Looks like they bought it at Woolworth's. Odd, all of Las Vegas has been destroyed except for Circus Circus. Where all the slot machines are still lit up even though all the neighboring casinos have been carefully erased from the matte painting. Yet the bungee jump crane is still standing. Aww, they're not even going upstairs to see the scary clowns! So, except for the dust on the floor, Circus Circus after a nuclear war in 1977 looks exactly like it does in 2000. Except that there are no spurious fire alarms or "Baby Geniuses" cast members there. And there's a woman with a Farrah hairdo living there! I wonder where she gets get mousse after the holocaust. So, all of Las Vegas instantly ceased to exist except for one undamaged casino, and everyone in it died except for one person. And the bomb gave her a wacky German accent. ----- Okay, now they're in the midst of a region completely filled with red Laserium. Hopefully the Viper fighters will be able to blow up the Cylon mines in their path. The music now sounds like Wendy Carlos on 'ludes. Ah, the Laserium's turned green, it's safe for them to stop. It's always good when the special effects are color-coded. They're about to figure out that all the rubber in the world was eaten by that one cockroach we keep seeing in inserts, I think. Yep, they just noticed that the skeletons are oddly clean, as if they've either been polished or were bought at Spencer Gifts. (Shouldn't the Andromeda Supercolony be over one of the doubly concave states by now?) Ooh, they're "armor-plated cockroaches". Unlike normal ones. Now a little carpet with cockroaches glued to it is being pulled towards them by invisible wires. I hope Robert Duvall and Martin Landau don't get attacked by any Bee Carpets while this is happening. Oh, good, you can kill roaches by spraying them with fog from a fire extinguisher. So what do the roaches live on now that everything's been stripped clean of rubber and/or flesh? Ah, Jan-Michael Vincent used his motorcycle to jump over the roaches. And the Landmaster is smashing through a wall made entirely of baking soda. In a war between the Landmaster and the Landram, who would win? I say the Landram, because it was built by Thiokol, makers of crispy O-rings. ----- They've passed into Blue Laserium Town, where a kid threw rocks at Jan-Michael Vincent for a while (yay) hitting him twice (YAY!) So Jan chased the kid down and started wrestling with him, and yelled "Hey, c'mere and help... do you wanna see me get whipped by a kid?" and George Peppard just stood there and watched, god bless him. Then they drove into Orange Laserium Land, but apparently orange Laserium is harmless because George Peppard spent the time explaining his theory that a second nuclear war would knock the Earth back onto its axis and everything would be fine again. Duh? Then he used a cordless electric razor to trim his pretend mustache. ----- http://www.laserium.com/gallery/Corelli1.jpg It comes in five flavors: Geezba, Shabza, Bezba, and Sheeshmanee! (I DARE you to ask Robin Williams about that line someday.) Hey, wait a minute! "Damnation Alley" isn't on their resume! > Laserium Effects Have Been Featured In The Following: > > Films > > American Pop > The Black Hole > Brainstorm > Congo > Disclosure > Dead Of Night > Invitation To Hell > The Jazz Singer > Matti > Nijinsky > Starman > Star Trek: The Motion Picture > Star Trek: The Wrath Of Khan > Swordkill > 2010 > > Television > > ABC Network Olympic Promotions > Battlestar Galactica > CBS News (L.A.) 'Hypnosis Special' > Chevy Citation Commercial > Chips > Click-TV Game Show > Datsun Commercial > Diana Ross Filmed Concert Effects > Disney Channel > Dodge Commercial > Eye On L.A. > Fantasy Island > Shirley Maclain's 'Where Do We Go From Here' > Gary Wright Filmed Concert Effects > Hanna-Barbera 'Space Stars' > Honeywell Commercial > Japan Air Lines Commercial > Jolly Rancher Commercial > Moonlighting Series Premiere > Mork & Mindy > MTV > Nat. Geographic Children's Spec. > Nat. Geographic Hi-Tech Special > NBC Kron News Special > NBC 'Master-TV' Series > Nissan Commercial > Orkin Commercial > PBS 'Fast Forward' Series > Pepsi/Miami Vice Commercial > PM Magazine > Ripley's Believe It Or Not > Sears Craftsman Tool Commercial > Tales Of The Unexpected > Universal 'Silverspoons' > Westinghouse Commercial > Wrangler Commercial ...but otherwise everything on that list is a real winner. I didn't think Laserium was in business when Al Jolson made his first talkie! Now I know better. He wasn't really in blackface, they were just shining a black-colored laser on him! ----- They just encountered another gross and disgusting survivor... ...who looks like David Brenner with a Manson wig. And covered in running open sores. And you can hear him breathe from across the room. This movie is charming. But like I said, it's never boring. You could play the "circle anything stupid" game with this movie and wear your marker down to a nub. Hey, during the hostage crisis, that kid took a lollipop and jumped out a window WITHOUT PAYING FOR IT! And the German woman's shouting "Bee-lee, Bee-lee, come back!" YAY, NOW THERE'S A SHOWER SCENE! AND IT'S NOT JAN-MICHAEL VINCENT! AND SHE'S SHOWERING WHILE THE TIRES ARE BEING ROTATED!!! IT'S A LOT LIKE LIVING IN SPACE!!!!! So why does the topmost tire spin as fast as the ones that are touching the ground? Now the sky is full of upside-down water ripples! They'll never get to Albany if they keep watching the pretty cheap special effects. They're driving through a Detroit junkyard. The Landmaster fits right in. I guess they need to scavenge some parts because it's making coughing noises and not sounding like Airwolf. The kid just asked Jan if he hears a noise "like a whining." The sky just filled with double-speed red Laserium but they haven't noticed. Look up, you clods! Watch out for the Benny Hill Laserium! ----- If this doesn't turn out to have been genuine Laserium brand laser scribbling I'll feel ripped off. About Laserium's first radio ad (early 1970s), http://cxn.exploratorium.edu/ronh/1st_laser_ad.ram ...don't you get the impression that Carl Sagan was really baked? What the -- jerky, spastic white hyphens on twos are shooting through the sky making honking-clown-nose noises. And seen from Space, the Earth is slowly being covered with red paint from above (that old corporate logo always bothered me, and now I know why.) Oh, dear, when the camera pans, the sky doesn't quite keep up. The sky looks a lot like the sky over Fremont Street. Except I think Fremont Street doesn't exist, just Circus Circus. Now stock footage of crashing surf on twos is attacking them. Their little truck is shaking up and down from the offscreen water. All this stock footage of floods washing away shacks is obviously black and white, too. The Landmaster is sinking (on twos, of course) and it's going "BLOOP BLOOP BLOOP". Sure, at the beginning they SAID it could go underwater, but it's called the LANDmaster not the STOCKFOOTAGEOFWATERmaster. "Hey, looks like it's clearing up! The sky's blue!" And yes, it is, as the tiny toy truck floats in the studio water tank. (Somewhere in the distance, Truman Burbank is sailing his boat. I just hope the stock footage of lightning doesn't come back or the Minnow could be lost.) So, the Landmaster can drive over water. It's got good treads. Now not only is the sky a normal color, but there are trees and grass. They must have crossed the river into Canada. I expect that George Peppard will remark that the clever plot twist is that they forgot the nuclear war only destroyed the U.S., The End. They picked up a radio station broadcasting music, and are celebrating by firing guns into the air. George Peppard is radioing the woman at the station: "We are near a large body of water, can you locate us?" She explains that they're seventeen miles from Albany. Wow, Albany has bigger mountains than I remembered. Jan-Michael and the kid rode their cycle into town (because Jan thought the woman sounded like a redhead) and there were people there and it immediately freeze-framed and ended. No word on whether this catharsis knocked the Earth back onto its axis to make all those casinos never have been blown up. The End. ----- end movie notes ----- Well, I think now you understand why I say that "Damnation Alley" is an all-too-plausible vision of what the future might be like if it took place in 1977 and a nuclear war made the Earth fall over which didn't have any ill effects except to reduce movie budgets and make us look at close-ups of Jan-Michael Vincent with big hair. -- K. We should hire Laserium to put on a show in alt.religion.kibology. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Louis, thanks for the monorail ride! (Dumb dream #20001004a) Date: Wed, 4 Oct 2000 04:29:27 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com This morning I dreamed that Louis Nick was showing me the sights of Seattle's monorail. I had no idea Seattle's monorail stations were so exciting. We started out at the top of a small mountain looking across this enormous gorge at a much bigger mountain, which had the monorail station at the top of it. To go up, we had our choice of taking an overcrowded elevator or grabbing onto a rope ladder (made out of rusty steel cables) that dozens of commuters were hanging from. As we took hold of the ladder, it began to slowly move upwards, obviously the cables were looped through some giant gears concealed somewhere deep underground. Dangling from the ladder with one hand, I used my other to take some snapshots of the gorgeous green valley we were passing over. Then, when we reached an adequate altitude, we had to cross a high bridge to the station. The bridge was wooden, apparently made from fresh new pine, but it was about a quarter-mile long and two feet wide, with no handrails. We walked across it to the terminal without significant loss of life. (I didn't notice any of the commuters falling to their deaths, but I'm sure some would have at some point during the day.) The terminal appeared to be under construction. Workers were nailing planks into place all over. We had to carefully balance as we crossed over what appeared to be a little river of mud flowing through the station, and the only means of getting across was to tiptoe across a two-by-four. At the far side, we came to the monorail platform. The 'rail was a solid silver windowless pointy thing, pointy at both ends like a Siamese carrot, with three gull-wing doors on each side. In fact, it was so pointy, that there wasn't room for all of it on the platform, and the ends stuck out between the haphazardly-nailed planks. Unfortunately, it pulled out just before we got there, and because it would be a few minutes before the next one came, we took the elevator back down so we could do it all again. So, Louis, thank you very much for showing me around Seattle's secret imaginary other monorail. It was even cooler than that room you have at the ScienCenter filled with flesh-eating butterflies! -- K. This dream was sort of like playing Quake, only not boring even though it didn't have any bad guys in it. Unless Louis counts (after all, he does indoctrinate children in the dogma of scientific orthodoxy.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Bad kosher food name of the week. Date: Wed, 4 Oct 2000 04:33:40 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com A popular brand of kosher frankfurters is "999", which has a great logo because (a) it's in the same big-scary-square-letters-in-perspective as the "Space: 1999" logo and (b) it becomes even more special if you turn it upside down. "999" brand hot dogs are so popular that they come in dozens of different varieties (all of which taste like beef.) Today I saw a frozen variety of "999" dogs named NO TRITES ...but what if I want a really trite hot dog? When I'm in the mood for a hot dog I want an exceptionally stereotypical, clichŽd weiner. I want hot dogs that aren't afraid to be trite, insipid, maudlin, or jejune! -- K. Also watch out for the cheaper factory-reject version, NOT RITES. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Thank you, Great Pumpkin! Date: Wed, 4 Oct 2000 20:59:54 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp It's been brought to my attention that the Associated Press posted this: -> -> $22-MILLION WEB SITE CLOSES AFTER JUST 46 DAYS -> Just 46 days after a flashy debut, Kibu.com called it quits, blaming poor -> market timing for its failure to connect with its teenage girl target -> group. Netscape co-founder Jim Clark and several other high-profile -> investors had poured $22 million into Kibu, which tailored its Web site to -> appeal to teen girls' fascination with fashion, music and boys. Although -> there's money to be made from youth-oriented sites, the traditional -> e-commerce advertising model is not always appropriate for this market, and -> many companies targeting this demographic fail to do enough market research -> beforehand, says Peter Grunwald, head of Grunwald Associates. "It's pretty -> clear that there have been a number of overfunded and under-thought-out -> initiatives in the kids' and teens' market," says Grunwald. Despite Kibu's -> demise, research from a June survey conducted by Grunwald Associates -> indicates there are more than 25 million children ages 2-17 online in the -> U.S., up from 8 million in 1997. (AP 2 Oct 2000) And despite the end of Kibu's worthless excercise in trying to make money off the Internet by beeing all teeny and allegedly hip, I'm still getting lots of mail from thirteen-year-old girls who can't tell their "U" from their "O", but hopefully it will start tapering off. Golly, kibo.com has been around a lot longer than kibu.com and I haven't even lost ONE million dollars yet. I must be doing something wrong! -- K. Maybe I need more "under-thought-out initiatives in the kids' and teens' market." You know, like a taco that plays music while you eat it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: today's worrisome commercial. Date: Fri, 6 Oct 2000 09:37:23 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com This one's been bugging me for the past six months: Mommy is packing things up so the family can move while Junior stuffs Cheerios into his Cheerio-hole. She assures him it's okay to be sad about moving because this was the house where he had his first bowl of Cheerios. Now, I don't know about you folks, but I freely admit that I don't know where I was when the Space Shuttle exploded, but I do recall that I was trying to tie an avocaco green bow tie just before my 1978 wedding to television's Barbara Bain when the radio brought me Walter Winchell's news flash that THEY HAD CHANGED HONEYCOMB! So I remember exactly where I was when they altered the secret formula for Honeycomb because it ruined my wedding forever. Anyway, the next time this commercial comes on where Mommy reminisces about all the important stages her toddler has passed through (he took his first step, he learned to use the potty, and he plugged Cheerios) I suggest you join me in yelling at the TV, "HURRY UP AND MOVE OUT OF THE FRIGGIN' CHEERIOS HOUSE ALREADY! YOU'VE BEEN PACKING FOR SIX MONTHS! BY THIS TIME, THE KID SHOULD BE OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE STOPPED LIKING CHEERIOS! IT'S TIME FOR HIM TO DISCOVER THE JOYS OF CEREALS WHICH TASTE GOOD, LIKE HONEYCOMB BEFORE THEY SPOILED IT! -- K. Thankfully that wedding didn't take. I am currently in the process of negotiating a divorce from my current wife, Juliet Landau, while I decided whether I should marry Busy Philipps or someone with lots of money, like Dr. Joyce Brothers. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: today's worrisome commercial. Date: Fri, 6 Oct 2000 21:05:49 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Daniel Buettner (buettner@cse.unl.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I suggest you join me in yelling at the TV, "HURRY UP AND MOVE OUT OF > > THE FRIGGIN' CHEERIOS HOUSE ALREADY! YOU'VE BEEN PACKING FOR SIX MONTHS! > > BY THIS TIME, THE KID SHOULD BE OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE STOPPED LIKING CHEERIOS! > > I think Kibo is trying to troll me. > > > IT'S TIME FOR HIM TO DISCOVER THE JOYS OF CEREALS WHICH TASTE GOOD, > > LIKE HONEYCOMB BEFORE THEY SPOILED IT! > > Yes, definitely trying to troll me. Cheerios are the single > greatest cereal of all time. No sugar. No taste. Just > good eatin'. The original Kix (before they added the clear glaze of sugar) were the best in terms of the no-flavor-so-you-can-eat-nine-bowls-if-you-don't- use-milk-and-I-don't variety. They RUINED them when they made them more kid-friendly. (With Honeycomb, at least enough kids stopped eating it when they changed the formula that they actually changed it back!) Also I like Puffed Rice a lot. You can eat about fifty bowls and still be hungry. Then you can have a steak! But there is one tasteless cereal which I hate the taste of: Quaker Corn Bran. It needs a splash of linseed oil or emery grit or something. Do they still put Fake Ray Bolger on the box? I refuse to ever even try another Quaker product until they have one with Fake Bert Lahr so that Jonathan Winters can get some work. > Also, the box assures me that I won't EVER have a heart attack; > YAY FOR CHEERIOS!! If the tiny sensor embedded in the weird G clef on the front of the box detects any narrowing of your coronary arteries, it will send a radio signal to General Mills himself who will dispatch Colonel Sanders to your door to shoot you. This is a promise implied in every bite of Cheerios. By the way, I think Cheerios is the only cereal which was ever actually improved when they claimed to have improved it. About three years ago, they made them crunchier. I always like the few extra-small dark brown pretzel-like ones at the bottom. They should spend a few million dollars isolating what makes those so much better than the normal ones and make them all that way. Like "Oops! All Berries!" only without any berries. -- K. And no marshmummies! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: If your whole pirate ship's crew jumped off the Empire State Building, would you? Date: Fri, 6 Oct 2000 20:32:27 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Seen on APBnews.com: -> -> Costumed Man Falls off Empire State Building -> Plunges to Death From Observation Deck -> -> Oct. 6, 2000 -> -> NEW YORK (AP) -- A man fell off the Empire State Building Thursday -> night, plunging 65 stories to his death. Only 65? Well, that ruins the old joke about the guy who leans out the window halfway down and hears the guy yell "Doing fine so far!" -> It was not immediately clear whether the man was attempting suicide or if -> his fall was accidental, said police Sgt. James Foley. The man, whose -> identity was not released, was in his 20s and was dressed in a pirate -> costume, Foley said. An investigation will determine whether he jumped, fell, or walked the plank. -> The man managed to get over the tall barriers on the observation deck Oh, yeah, sure it could be accidental. I hate it when I accidentally climb over a security fence. -> on the 86th floor before falling 65 stories to an outcropping on the -> 21st floor, Foley said. Then he bounced off a couple of stalactites and stalagmites that are part of the naturally-occurring rock formations that make up the Empire State Building. -> There have been more than 30 suicides at the 1,472-foot skyscraper, WELL THEN THEY SHOULD SHUT IT DOWN! IT'S MORE DANGEROUS THAN VIDEO GAMES AND HEROIN COMBINED! (Note to self: Start new business, sell video games and heroin combined.) -> the world's tallest when it opened in 1931. The 1,483-foot Petronas Twin -> Towers in Malaysia are now the world's tallest skyscrapers. Yes, but the Empire State Building still holds the world's record for longest abortive parabolic descent of a bozo with a stuffed parrot stapled to his Halloween costume. -- K. (Note to self #2: Buy tomorrow's issue of The New York Post.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: If your whole pirate ship's crew jumped off the Empire State Building, would you? Date: Fri, 6 Oct 2000 23:17:38 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Daniel Buettner (buettner@cse.unl.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [re some guy who hurled himself off the Empire State Building, reported > > as being possibly accidental, even though he had to climb over a fence] > > > > Oh, yeah, sure it could be accidental. I hate it when I accidentally > > climb over a security fence. > > I was in New York City a little over two years ago and did > the naturally touristy thing of going to the top of the > Empire State Building. It would take some serious doing to > accidentally climb over that security fence. It's about > twelve feet high and curls backward at the top. Like so: > > ---_ > \ > | > | > | > | > | > (] | > | | > --+-- _| > | | | > | | | > / \ | | > l L | | > ---------------- Is there an "E"? ------_ | \ | | | | | | (] | | | --+-- | | | | _| / \ | | l L | | | | | | ---------------- Waah! Mommy, Daniel's cheating by making up the word "SYZYGY" again!!! -- K. As a kid, I always went with "SYZYGY", "STRENGTHS", or "GALAXY", although sometimes when I was feeling mean I'd play "PUP" or "XI". A lot of other kids seemed to think "ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM" was a tough Hangman word, but I could usually get that right away. The best Scrabble words make the worst Hangman words, and it's damn hard to make "SYZYGY" in Scrabble unless you've got both of the "Y"s and a blank which doesn't have a "U" drawn on it to replace all the "U"s which mysteriously disappeared around the time you learned how to force the "Q" into someone else's hand on the next-to-last turn. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Bronson Pinchot rips off more stuff than Edward Scissorhands trying to remove a mattress tag. Date: Fri, 6 Oct 2000 21:27:57 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Hey, Leah! I found another disgusting concoction with freaky mummies! From TV Guide: -> -> CLOSE UP -> -> All New Adventures of Laurel & Hardy: For Love or Mummy -> 90 min. -> -> Bronson Pinchot and Gailard Sartain are the nephews of Stan Laurel and -> Oliver Hardy in this poorly executed remake, centering on a villain's -> search for a mummy. Just think, fifty years after Bronson Pinchot's death, some total loser will play "Bronson Pinchot 2100AD" or something. I love the concept of "All New Adventures of" DEAD PEOPLE! Hey, Laurel and Hardy have been dead a long time. Maybe they're the evil mummies trying to kill Bronson Pinchot! GO MUMMIES!!! -> F. Murray Abraham, Philip Godana, Susan Danford. I wonder if this movie will be more poorly made than that "Star Trek" movie where F. Murray Abraham sailed around in a spaceship where all the walls were missing as he sailed through the Sea Of Blue Curtains With No Pictures Inserted Into The Big Blank Blue Areas. -> Directed by John Cherry and Larry Harmon. Wow! It took two bozos to make this movie! And one of them is a REAL bozo! -> Release Year: 1998 IT'S AN ALL-NEW ENCORE PRESENTATION OF AN ALL-NEW CLASSIC REPEAT! IF YOU HAVEN'T LOOKED AT A CALENDAR IN TWO YEARS, IT'S NEW TO YOU! -> Date Channel -> Mon 9ÊÊ 4:30 PM 47 HBO -> Fri 20Ê Ê12:00 PM 47 HBO Ha ha, TV Guide's Web listings don't realize I get two Channel 47s (Boston's cable system is old enough that when they wanted to expand past the first 55 channels, they had to string a second feed to every home, so HBO is actually channel 47B.) So TV Guide might be tricking poor unsuspecting Web surfers looking for the wacky Bronson Pinchot dead comedian funfest into tuning into 47A, which is a home-shopping channel, and they'll never know the difference! Unless the shopping channel is even funnier than Bronson Pinchot's exploitation of public domain celebrities, which it could well be especially if they show the one where Bob Newhart sells "cylindric diamacrom". -- K. You may recall Bronson Pinchot as the star of that gay version of "I Love Lucy" where Ricky married the fake Latka, or the star of that ripoff of "Mork & Mindy" where he played the fake Mork. So far we have FUNNY PERSON RIPPED OFF BY Andy Kaufman Bronson Pinchot Robin Williams Bronson Pinchot Stan Laurel Bronson Pinchot It's like if Steve Allen's "Meeting Of The Minds" starred Pauly Shore as the great minds of the 20th century. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: you Date: Fri, 6 Oct 2000 21:37:11 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp "Lleah" (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > So anyhow ... > > I realised that, until fairly recently, I haven't had nearly enough > kibology in my life. You can never have enough Kibology in your life! I've started buying Kibology supplements at the drugstore. The jar says they're endorsed by Joe Piscopo! No, wait, those are the brain-destroying nitwit pills. Damn. I better not buy another jar of these when I finish this one. > I stopped looking at the world through doidy-colored glasses. > I'm not sure if anything happened to cause this rift in my kibological > vortex, but I know that it lasted a goodly while in my mind. (cut to two kids playing a board game) "Waah! You rifted my vortex! Pretty sneaky, sis!" KIBO DOES NOT ACTUALLY TALK. > I've recently been reminded of why I choose to stick around here and why > this continues to be the only newsgroup I bother reading. You don't bother us that much with your reading. Just try to read silently after our bedtime, okay? > Among other things, it's the fact that everyone's allowed. > And that is such a cool concept. Poor Spot! Nobody wuvved him. Leah even forgot to disallow him! Spot wasn't even be allowed to told that he was not allowed! So Spot set out to find a place where dogs were allowed, and he did indeed find many, but even they did not have signs posting saying that Spot himself was allowed. "Waah! They only allow the general class of dogs, not me!" So Spot travelled around trying to find a place where he was allowed. Except that he wasn't allowed to cross the street, so he could only look in his own back yard. Which had banana slugs all over it. And nobody ever told banana slugs they weren't allowed! Spot cried as all the banana slugs hopped on a bus to go to an R-rated movie without him. -- K. Worse than banana slugs: durian slugs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: So what sort of gas was powering the boat? Date: Fri, 6 Oct 2000 23:42:37 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp From DarwinAwards.com: -> -> (17 September 2000, Queensland, Australia) Six young men and women -> with no sailing experience were rescued from an stolen luxury yacht -> after drifting into a pier only 400 metres from its mooring. -> They had intended to sail around the world, and had packed all the -> essentials; 60 cans of baked beans, 1000 condoms, some liquor and -> cola and a library book on navigating by the stars. Lucky for them -> they were caught, as police report that "they had no fresh water -> and no food other than baked beans." Just out of curiosity, why did they think that baked beans and cola were not only the most nutritious and compact foods to take along, but would not have any socially unpleasant consequences while six people were cooped up on this little burp'n'fart cruise? Oh, I forgot. Farts are funny again. -- K. Also, with these six losers, after completing their long voyage, they would have still had at least 999 condoms.