From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: We must be thankful for small victories. Date: 20 Nov 2000 00:00:00 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology So, I like White Castle burgers. There aren't any White Castle restaurants in Boston. There haven't been any for quite a few decades. One white, castle-shaped building in Cambridge now houses a "Falafal Palace" (world's smallest palace at that) and another in Chinatown has been painted pink. Sacrilege! A pink castle! Many supermarkets (and drugstores) now carry frozen White Castle burgers. They come in boxes of six. Six is just right for a normal-sized meal. But... because, in America, "burger" means "cheeseburger" 95% of the time, almost all the stores carry just the frozen cheeseburgers, which I can't eat because they have frozen melted cheese glued to them. It's quite rare to find a place to buy the cheeseless White Castles around here. In fact, I know of only one at the moment. In the past, whenever I have found one of these locations, their supply of cheeseless burgers has sold out immedately and never been restocked, because they always have plenty of cheesy ones left which they can never get rid of (everyone sells the cheesy ones, and let's face it, normal people don't want White Castles with or without cheese.) So even stores which start out with both kinds are selling only the icky kind by the second week. They never restock the good kind because the manager looks at the freezer and says, "Why should I order more? We _got_ White Castles." As I said, there's one place that has the cheeseless kind. I've been buying about four boxes a week there. At one point, I had bought out their entire stock of cheeseless burgers, and so they had a shelf full of the cheesy ones for months. Then eventually the cheesy ones sold out and they had to reorder. Except... at this location the manager looked at the freezer and said, "Wow, the cheeseless White Castles sold much better than the cheesy ones. I'm never going to order the cheesy ones ever again." The cheeseless ones came back. The little sticker marking the location of where the icky ones had been... is gone. The store now stocks only the good ones, and they vanish and reappear quite frequently. I imagine that because of me this store now probably sells more White Castles (of any kind) than any other store in the Boston area. And no, I will _not_ tell you where it is. -- K. But I will keep telling you about all the crazy people who fiddle with the divider bars in the supermarket across the street from it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: SSAG JD2451865 Date: 22 Nov 2000 00:00:00 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Newsgroups: sci.geo.geology,alt.religion.kibology In sci.geo.geology, Manley Hubbell wrote: > > PST 4pm (sunset) 0 6am Noon (peak) > 950 ++ 08 > 900 +AA AAA AAAAAAAAA A ++ > 850 ++ A AAA AAAAA A A ++ Cool, mad science now has sound effects! AAAAAAA AAAA AAAAAAAAAA AA AAAAA AAAAAA *BOING* AAA A A *SPLAT* > 800 ++ + A + + + + + + + + ++ > Hr 0 Z. 4 . 8 . 12 . 16 . 20 . 24 > 950 ++ 09 > 900 ++ A ++ > 850 ++A AAA AAAAAAAA AA ++ > 800 ++ + + + + + + AA + + ++ > NOTE the Equipment Position was changed ----------------- And tiny undissolved A's are clogging your bloodstream! You should try NEW Bufferin! (Now with chlorophyll!) > 1800 ++ + +A A+ AAAAA + A+ AAAAAAAAAA + 10 > 1700 ++ A AA AA AAAAAA AAAA ++ > 1600 ++ ++ > 1500 AA A ++ > 1400 ++AAAAAA A A A ++ > 1300 ++ AAA ++ > So the MAIN gain was probably effected > 1800 ++ + + + + + + + + + 11 > 1700 ++ A AAAA ++ > 1600 ++ AAA A AAAAAAAA ++ > 1500 ++ ++ > 1400 A+ ++ > 1300 +AA AAA AAAAAA A A AAAAAAAAAAAA ++ > 1200 ++ AA A A A ++ > 1100 ++ + + + + + + + + + ++ > it was just left high > 1800 ++ + + + + + + + + + 12 > 1700 ++ AA AA AA AA ++ > 1600 ++ AAAAA AA A AAAA AAAAA ++ > 1500 ++ A ++ > 1400 ++ ++ > 1300 A+A AA A ++ > 1200 +A AAAAAAAAA AAA AAAA ++ > and so another week of less than solid > 1800 ++ + + + + + + + + + 13 > 1700 ++ ++ > 1600 ++ AAAAAAA AA ++ > 1500 AA A ++ > 1400 ++ ++ > 1300 ++ AAA AA ++ > 1200 ++AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAA ++ > Data: it could also be the detectors directional > 1800 ++ + + + + + + + + + 14 > 1700 ++ A ++ > 1600 A+ AAAA AAAA A ++ > 1500 ++AA AAAAAA AAAAA AAA A ++ > 1400 ++ A AA ++ > 1300 ++ ++ > 1200 ++ AAAA A AA ++ > 1100 +A AAA AAAAA+ + + + A+ + + ++ You know, if there's one thing that science needs more of, it's unlabelled graphs of random squiggles drawn by spastic chimps. > SSAG| one line readings = raw data! MAKE YOU OWN CHART SF > 213 08 ?BC?>=A==>AB>>>?>?>>??CBBBBBBBBCCBBCBCCCB?????>? 173 > 195 09 ??CCBB>>>>>>?>>>>>>>>>?>BBBBBAB>>>A===>>>>A>>>>> 166 > 446 11 LMKLKLMNMKSRQRTTLLTTUURRRQRTSSPRSSSTSTTTTSTLKKLK 153 > 382 12 KIKIIJJIIJJIJKKQQRPKKRQQRPQPQPQPIIIJKKLJJHIJJJKK 150 > 393 13 IIIIIIIGGGHHJIIHIOPPRQQPQRQQQQQPPQRRRQQRQIHIIJIO 147 > 352 14 KGHFHHHIIHHHIJJJIIIIJHGHQQPQPNHHHHHJIJIJJIIHHHOP 144 > 372 15 HGOMFGFEMHGHGGHMMIOPPQPOOOONNGHHGGGGOOIJIPPOQPPP 149 Uh, Manley, you're supposed to rub down the Letraset sheets one letter at a time, not the whole sheet at once, you big bozo. > __lINE 60 8:54 A.M.pst most probably a "declininng week" a nonevent? Make your own comment on Manley Hubbell's life's work: BOZONUTDOOFUSWEIRDOGEEKNITWITWACKOPINHEADFRUITENLOOPERARCHIMEDESPLUTONIUM -- K. I could have gone on like that for another 5000 lines, but only if someone would hire me an assistant to ensure I didn't actually say anything meaningful. I wonder how big a staff Manley has. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Elections are not the wacky fun they were in the olden days... Date: 27 Nov 2000 00:00:00 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology I just posted my big post-election rant at www.The-Election.com and I'm pasting it in here in convenient plain text form for those of you who don't have access to the Internet. I'll probably post some more over the coming months, but less frequently, given that hopefully Bush and Gore will stop doing stuff once once of them gets elected, and because I'm working on other even more special projects (which will hopefully debut soon.) -- K. ----- CUT HERE TO DESTROY YOUR COMPUTER'S PICTURE TUBE ----- Kibo's Mostly Rants at www.The-Election.com #21Ê-- November 27, 2000 STOP THE ELECTION, I WANT TO GET OFF in which wide mouths make the election flow slower than ketchup Well, hey. We finally have a President-Elect. Sort of. The state of Florida has declared that Bush has won (after only three weeks of dithering about it) but Gore is still kicking and screaming and suing, and Bush is still suing, and everyone's still sick of all of this. Except for Gore, who finally seems to have found something he can be passionate about. MEMO TO AL: GIVE IT UP, DUDE. Even Slobodan Milosevic surrendered with less whining. Look, Mr. Gore, I'm not saying you don't have a case that the vote might come out different if counted better/more carefully/more eccentrically. All elections are always screwed up in all sorts of little ways. Usually they're even rigged in addition to dozens of unintentional glitches at all levels. (And there was much hand-wringing over the issue of whether to count dimpled, pregnant, and hanging chad after the 1980 election. And after the 1984 election. And after the 1988 election. The government even brought an anti-trust lawsuit against the company that made those Votomatic machines, back in 1981.) But, Al, you gotta pack it in sooner or later and prepare for a career in Pizza Hut commercials. (You could be almost as funny as Bob Dole if the script is right.) And Mr. Bush, you should also stop with all the lawsuitin' and the feudin'. Just because neither of you actually got 50% of the vote is no reason we need to listen to two people acting like spoiled losers. Also, please bring me the head of whichever of your people keeps telling the news media that "hand-counting is unconstitutional" unless they can explain what sort of computer they used back in George Washington's day. And as for you, Mr. Nader, we've gone from Gore supporters blaming you for ruining the election to everyone in the world blaming you for ruining the nightly newscasts for three continuous weeks. And after telling us over and over that you were going to get way more than 5%, you got about 2.6%. Wow! You did barely get five percent, if you round to the nearest five percent! Unfortunately, you didn't do as well as Ross Perot, or John Anderson, or Abraham Lincoln. So please stop crowing about being the first person ever to create a viable third party. John Anderson could have kicked your ass, and nobody even remembers him. So please prepare yourself for an exciting future of being turned down for Pizza Hut commercials. And Mr. Buchanan, frankly, you shocked and astonished me with your good sportsmanship. I know you dislike Democrats (damn hippie beatniks!) even more than you dislike those mean Republicans who kicked you out of their party just for being too evil. So I was stunned by your graciousness when you went on TV and said that all those votes you got in Florida belonged to Al Gore and that you didn't want them. I mean, we could practically feel you trying to send vibes of luv to Al Gore. It was an utterly unexpected classy moment, not unlike when that swarthy guy who narrowly lost the 1960 Presidential election chose not to contest the results, despite having heard that there quite possibly was massive fraud in Illinois. THAT'S RIGHT, AL, I JUST SAID THAT PAT BUCHANAN AND RICHARD NIXON ARE NICER GUYS THAN YOU. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? I guess you figured that if you couldn't get elected coming off an eight-year incumbency you'd never get elected, so you decided to go for broke and either win or flush your reputation away in a swirl of dogged pestiness. (Hey, Shakespeare cranked out the occasional mixed metaphor too. "Take arms against a sea of troubles"?) And you, Mr. Hagelin, you... you... you didn't do anything entertaining. You were supposed to try to levitate the Pentagon with the power of your mind or something, but you just became invisible. You didn't even bother making the newspapers report the tiny fraction of a percent you got, you boring little nonentity. You got me to mention your name in my column a few times and you didn't even pay me back by getting enough votes to become homeroom president! THAT'S RIGHT, I'M SLIGHTLY BITTER! IT WAS THE WORST ELECTION EVER! OR RATHER I'M SURE IT WILL BE CALLED THAT IF IT'S EVER OVER! I swear I was going to write a column the day after the election when I had the final results in my hands, but the election just wouldn't stop. Remember the "I Love Lucy" episode where Tennessee Ernie Williams comes to visit and won't leave, and he even stays through next week's episode? Well, the stupid TV news called the election for Gore, then they took it back, then they called it for Bush, then they took it back, then Gore called Bush and took back his concession, then Florida couldn't make up its mind, and Jesse Jackson complained about the shape of the ballot, and little old ladies cried because they poked a hole other than the one that had the arrow pointing at it, and they lost some sacks of ballots, and they couldn't agree on what styles of chad were worth how many bonus points, and everyone started suing each other, and... and... STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!! So although things still aren't settled (at least not in Al Gore's mind) I'm writing this column now because otherwise I WILL EXPLODE. AL, GIVE UP. GEORGE, GROW UP. RALPH, GO AWAY. Oh, and while I'm at it: DEAR T.V. NEWS, PLEASE NEVER TRY TO FORECAST ELECTION RESULTS AGAIN. Before the election, the TV kept saying Nader was going to get 5%, and I wrote this: > By the way, I promise to print out a copy of this column > and eat it if any of Nader, Hagelin, or Buchanan get > a full 3% of the popular vote. ...and guess what, I was right and they were wrong. Why? Because of the widemouth ketchup factor. A couple of decades ago, Heinz came up with the bright idea that maybe ketchup would sell better if you could get it out of the jar more easily, so they decided to put it in mustard jars in hopes of encouraging housewives to spoon more of it over the meatloaf. But first they conducted a survey to find out if people would buy it. "Here's a dollar for your participation. Would you buy ketchup in mustard jars?" "Sure, I guess." And nobody did. Heinz, like TV networks, failed to realize that asking someone what they might do was different from them actually doing it. Nader probably did sound 5% good over the phone. But I bet that if you called up a hundred people on the phone and asked them if they would like a poke in the eye with a sharp stick (dipped in ketchup), five of them would give the wrong answer. I mean, I doubt 95% of people out there are competent enough to predict their own ketchup-buying habits, let alone operate a "butterfly ballot". "Just poke the chad out with this stylus." "What's a stylus?" "You hold it like a pencil..." "...like a what?" "Okay, just pretend it's a game of 'Operation' and you have to use the little tweezers to poke out Al Gore's bellybutton without touching Pat Buchanan." While I'm up here pointing at myselfÊ-- and yes, everyone and everything connected with the election is rotten except for meÊ-- I'd also like to share with you this other prediction I made the night before the election: > Popular voteÊ-- > 47% Bush, 48% Gore, 2% Nader, > <1% Buchanan, <.5% Hagelin, <.5% Libertarian, <.1% Kibo > > Electoral votesÊ-- > 50% Bush, 50% Gore, 0% Nader, > 0% Buchanan, 0% Hagelin, 0% Libertarian, 0% Kibo > > IT'S A TIE!!! EVERYONE LOSES!!! ...but I didn't put that in my column (I posted it elsewhere on the Internet) because I didn't have confidence in my own predictive abilities. But, of course, now I know better. Basically, I had a gut feeling about another factor as important as (but completely different from) the deformed-ketchup-jar factor: The influence of polls on voters. Before the election, we had been told about a million times that Bush was slightly ahead in those telephone straw polls. The question is, does being told that X is slightly behind Y cause extra supporters of Y to turn out to root for the underdog, or does it cause more people to go for X because people like to vote for the guy they think is going to win? In other words, I knew that I knew that the emphatic news stories about the close polls would swing a few voters one way or the other, but which way? And then I remembered a little mass psychology experiment I used to do in high school. Every night, right after dinner, my father would turn on Channel 6 because the evening news would usually start about fifteen minutes after dinner (we ate early) and so we'd have to watch the last half of "The People's Court" because we didn't have a remote control and I guess my father didn't want to have to get up again after leaving the dinner table. During these reruns of Judge Wapner's show, Channel 6 would superimpose the results of a live phone-in poll at the bottom of the screen. If you agreed that the schmo on the left should pay for the sneakers the dog ate, you would call one local phone number. If you thought other schmo should pay for his own damn sneakers, you would call the other phone number. At the start of the case, the vote would be zero to zero. I decided to be the first person to call in, and a flipped a coin to determine which of the two schmos to support. The results would always go something like this: 0 to 0 0 to 0 0 to 0 0 to 0 0 to 1 30 to 1 ...the show didn't usually go on long enough for things to even out. I could generally make an arbitrary side win the poll by giving them an early lead of one vote. Apparently all the people who phoned in were simply reacting to the votes of other people (and in this case, I was the other people.) I could completely control dozens of couch potatoes with a single phone call! Talk about reaching out and touching someoneÊ-- I had the power to influence what people though about the schmo's sneakers! Now, I know this is an even less scientific sort of poll than the TV news straw votes (because people could volunteer themselves to dial in, and they could do so more than once if they were really pathetic) but it explains why I had a gut feeling that being told that Bush was slightly ahead of Gore would get the Gore fans all wound up. If the polls had shown Bush waaaaay ahead of Gore, I imagine that would have caused a shift favoring the leader (peer pressure works wonders in the real world) but I think things are reversed in close polls. And indeed, Gore did actually get a slightly greater percentage of the vote than Bush. (Very slightly. Both rounded off to 48%.) All these recent events have left me rather frightened, for two reasons: 1.) The country's election system has been revealed to be a complete shambles, and 2.) I apparently have psychic powers which I must now learn to use only for good, never for evil. I wonder what would have happened if I had widely publicized my claim that it would boil down to "IT'S A TIE!!! EVERYBODY LOSES!!!" Would that have caused Bush to pull father ahead? Or would Gore have won cleanly? Or... dare I say it? President Hagelin? In any case, the straw polls influence the vote, and I have the ability to predict the people's thoughts better than the pollsters can. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Stay tuned for further updates. If the world doesn't blow up. Copyright (C) 2000 James "Kibo" Parry. Kibo appears courtesy of www.kibo.com. This column is not meant to imply that Kibo thinks you want to hear the word "chad" again. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: An interesting news article I saw on APBnews.com. Date: 22 Nov 2000 00:00:00 GMT Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Reply-To: kibo@world.std.com Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Tracking an Elusive Map Thief > Author Documents Story of Theft, Intrigue > > Nov. 22, 2000 > > CHICAGO (AP) -- Miles Harvey was sipping coffee and reading a > newspaper article as he relaxed in a coffeehouse fit to inspire > anyone in search of adventure. > > At Kopi: A Traveler's Cafe, clocks give the time in Pago Pago, Paris > and Yogyakarta, Indonesia. Masks from Bali adorn the walls. Lonely > Planet travel guides and maps line the shelves. > > But all it took to send Harvey, then a literary critic for Outside > magazine, on an intellectual adventure that would consume the next > four years of his life was a newspaper article about a convicted > thief of antique maps named Gilbert Bland Jr. > > That was 1995. Now, in his new nonfiction book, The Island of Lost > Maps, Harvey details his quest to understand how and why the > mild-mannered antiques dealer allegedly stole scores of > centuries-old maps from some of the top research libraries in the > United States and Canada. > > Elusive thief > > Ultimately, Harvey's quest would turn into an unfulfilled obsession > to get to know the slash-and-dash thief, a man so elusive the book's > only picture of him shows Bland handcuffed outside a North Carolina > courthouse with his hands hiding his face. > > "I can't tell you how many times people described Mr. Bland as > bland," Harvey said during a recent interview inside Chicago's > Newberry Library, which Bland visited but left without making off > with any maps. > > Nineteen other libraries were less fortunate. In institutions from > the University of Chicago to the British Columbia Archives in > Victoria, the enigmatic Bland drew little, if any, attention as he > allegedly made off with rare maps the FBI valued at about $500,000. > > "Medium height, medium weight, middle-aged, middle everything -- > he was a cipher, a blank slate. ... He was Bland," writes Harvey. > > Just a razor blade > > And that made it all too easy for the former petty crook to take a > razor blade, slash the maps from the valuable books that had been > protected for centuries, and quietly walk away unnoticed. > > "I describe him in the book as less of a con man and more of an > un-man -- you know, just someone who didn't look for a lot of > attention one way or the other," says Harvey, himself a lover of > maps old and new. > > "The great mystery about him is his mixture of a meek exterior and > this totally brazen act, not only going into libraries and literally > slicing maps out of books as people must have been watching," but > also openly selling the maps to dealers and collectors. > > Plea bargain > > Ultimately, Bland, who also went by the name James Perry, THIS ARTICLE IS OVER!!! CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL Now let's talk about kitties. -- K. Kitties are fuzzy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: a war Date: 22 Nov 2000 00:00:00 GMT Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Organization: http://www.kibo.com Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology In sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > The war between good and bad is connected to many things. A penis can be > included. Stop trying to spoil the movie "Zardoz" for everyone! I'm sure there are still three or four people on sci.physics who haven't seen it! > It could be true that a lot of guys are trying to figure out why their > penis keeps getting more small. It could be true that that are some > chemicals that are doing it. If chemicals are doing it they are probably > all over like they are probably flying through the air, water probably has > them, plants probably can absorb them and animals probably have them. Do you mean plants are absorbing chemicals, or plants are absorbing penises? Saying one of those would make you look silly. You know, like how they applied three hours' worth of makeup to Clint Howard in "The Grinch", because they were hoping they could make Clint Howard look silly, not realizing the basic flaw in their reasoning. > If there are those kind of chemicals that make a penis of a guy keep > getting more small > may be they cause people to a small amount to add fat. A lot of people > need to lose some fat. I think Peter van der Linden would have an excellent suggestion on what you should do with all that excess fat. (DIFFICULTY OF THAT REFERENCE: 9.81) > If there are those kind of chemicals it may help not to eat animals. > > Companies that sell animals for food tend to abuse animals for money. A > person who does not do their small part to fight bad people who abuse > animals for money is guilty. Okay, I understand what that has to do with physics. But what good does it do my penis? -- K. In "E=mc^2", which letter is the penis? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Are YOU paranoid yet? Date: Sun, 3 Dec 2000 07:03:13 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com While scraping old paint off one of my common household walls today (in preparation to paint it a less exciting color than the current bright white) I noticed a metallic glint in one place. Sure enough, in one little corner of the room, there is aluminum foil between the two layers of white paint. (Or some other metal foil, possibly lead foil or plutonium foil. I'm no foilologist.) Is this layer of foil intended to protect me -- OR TO SPY ON ME? IS THE FOIL WATCHING? -- K. Incidentally, the new color will be Behr Premium Matte #3B44-2 Statue Gray. Hopefully it is opaque to whatever sort of evil radiation gets through secret foil. Also, I think they changed the formula for Plastic Wood since I last used it in the '70s. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Are YOU paranoid yet? Date: Mon, 4 Dec 2000 08:08:26 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Plorkwort" (asweinbe@midway.uchicago.edu) wrote: > > Covering rooms in tinfoil and porcelain tiles is done by people with > Multiple Chemical Sensitivity in order to protect against everything that > evaporates from modern housing materials; plastic fumes, molds, > wood-processing chemicals, etc. The major medical journals have not come > to a conclusion on whether this protects against Chemtrails too. I still think you just said "word-processing chemicals". Also, it's only one little corner of the room... as far as I know. I've only scraped one wall but the glints are confined to an area about one foot square. It's in the corner where the wall meets the floor. Or almost meets, in this building. -- K. I also wonder why my wall has no windows there, even though this is a corner apartment that would NORMALLY have a nicer view than the stupid apartments in the middle. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Are YOU paranoid yet? Date: Mon, 4 Dec 2000 08:05:07 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "pete" (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > [re Kibo discovering foil between the layers of paint in his apartment] > > I've seen foil used by college students, as wall paper. In outer space, space students will have to paper their walls with something even more futuristic. I propose they use liquid helium as wallpaper. After all, in space it's cold enough that you could get liquid helium to crawl around just like a slime mold would if slime molds made you talk like Mickey Mouse when you inhaled them. > I've seen foil used on a wall to reflect heat from a radiator. > Is the foil near where a radiator is, or was? No. The fact that it's between two layers of white paint suggests someone just stuck it to the wall for some reason. Decorative, or radiation shielding, or... BOTH??? -- K. P.S. I AM STILL NOT A SCIENTIST OR COP ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Strange accusations from they who dare not say "NERD!!!" Date: Sun, 3 Dec 2000 07:13:22 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Day before yesterday, I made the mistake of strolling through the wrong alley in the wrong part of town in the middle of the night, and a prostitute gave me a very hard-sell pitch (which consisted of rubbing my crotch to get me excited, but fortunately it was too cold outside for this to work.) When I politely informed her I didn't want to buy any sex, she asked me, "Are you a cop?" Then, today, in that big three-story art supply store in Cambridge, I was buying hand puppets and fabric glue and crazy colors of felt to stick to hand puppets and fake fur because all hand puppets need toupees, and the cashier (directly under the luminous green picture of Don Knotts that graces this store) commented on the pretty color of the fake fur, which was green like an avocado. I said, "It's a color not found in nature... At least, I HOPE SO!" and then the conversation stalled, so I said, "Except there are some polar bears that have algae in their fur." Then she asked me, "Are you a scientist?" Now, wouldn't the correct question in both cases be "Are you a nerd?" Guy not interested in buying time with a skanky ho. COP or NERD? Guy buying hand puppets and knows about algae. SCIENTIST or JUST PLAIN NERD? -- K. What sort of scientist glues stuff to hand puppets? I mean, sure, cops use hand puppets, but scientists? Isn't it illegal to conduct experiments on puppets? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Strange accusations from they who dare not say "NERD!!!" Date: Mon, 4 Dec 2000 07:42:28 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "red" wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now, wouldn't the correct question in both cases be "Are you a nerd?" > > Nerd is so mainstream, though, that it's become hard to distinguish the > real ones form the posers (though buying puppets for yourself is a pretty > convincing sign of authenticity, unless you're cool like Joel Hodgson.) Worse would be if I were buying materials to make puppets OF myself. ONLY SOME OF THE MATERIALS WERE FOR THAT!!! At the moment I'm surrounded by puppet parts. The head of a prototype puppet-THING is staring at me with its dead but googly eyes. Also because I was just gluing it, its mouth is stuffed with foil. Poor puppet! But it's not even a real puppet, it's just a pathetic practice prototype puppet to probe the plan for producing paractical puppets. And it's beige. The real one will have to have much brighter colors otherwise the colors won't show through the dirt I'm going to rub on it. > I forsee a backlash against geek chic by 2002, and the jocks > will once again regain power. Poor us. Prepare for swirlies. I hate to think what locker-room horseplay was like in the days of outhouses. -- K. And what educational TV was like before they invented stick-on googly eyes. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Strange accusations from they who dare not say "NERD!!!" Date: Mon, 4 Dec 2000 07:48:19 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "And knowing is half the battle." (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > "red" wrote: > > > > Prepare for swirlies. > > Swirlies then the jocks' teacher discovers eighteen gigabytes of gay > necrobestiallity porn on their computer. Please stop digitizing Jšrg Buttgereit's oeuvre. Also please stop drawing transparent genitals on the "Slim Goodbody" poster. And please use the word "Dampfwalze" in a sentence for extra credit. -- K. In case you couldn't tell, the "š" was supposed to be a little surprised emoticon representing the letter "o" with two dots above it, before computers helped make communication impossible with people who use different alphabets. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Today's vocabulary lesson Date: Mon, 4 Dec 2000 08:18:45 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Hey kids! Let's read a sticker! -> FIREMAN -> Milton Millennium is his name, but his buddies call him Smoky. -> He's the town's barbecue champion, an expert on fishing, -> and a super juggler. -> -> POMPIER -> Gicleur Boyau, ou FumŽe comme l'appellent ses amis, est un vŽritable -> champion du barbeque. Il est tout aussi Žpatant ˆ la pche et est -> de plus un jongleur Žpoustouflant. So, according to that sticker, we now know that the French word for "super" is "Žpoustouflant", and the word for "millennium" is "boyau". I won't even tell you about his friend the policeman, known as Clueless Joe or Joe PasfžtŽ depending on whether he's being stupid in New Jersey or MontrŽal. Also, the cop and his doctor friend are available in your choice of gender, but there are no female firemen, even in MontrŽal. -- K. So, what's Eskimo for "Dampfwalze"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I swear, really, truly, I am not making this up. Date: Mon, 4 Dec 2000 10:54:25 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I found something shocking on DiversityInc.com. Quick, stand up so that you won't fall off your chair when you hear this headline: > Pope Joins Harlem Globetrotters No, really. I couldn't have made it up if I tried. And trust me, I did try to make up that exact headline for several years. I failed. They've beaten me to it. DiversityInc.com deserves TEN NOBEL PRIZES FOR WACKY HEADLINES! Here's the rest of the article: > By CANDICE CHOI > (C) 2000 DiversityInc.com > Dec. 1, 2000 > > Joining the ranks of Whoopi Goldberg and Bob Hope, Pope John Paul II has > been inducted as an honorary member of the Harlem Globetrotters. I love the way Bob Hope dribbles. > The pope was presented with a framed team jersey and an autographed ball > yesterday at his weekly general audience in St. Peter's Square at the > Vatican. By any chance, was this during an intermission in "Gilda Live"? > "Through efforts like today with the pope, and in the future with (the) > Rev. Jesse Jackson, we can use this as a way of reaching young people with > positive messages and examples," said Mannie Jackson, owner and chairman > of the Harlem Globetrotters TODAY THE POPE! TOMORROW JESSE JACKSON! NEXT WEEK THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION! > The prestigious title, which recognizes individuals of extraordinary > character and achievement, has only been given to six other people, said > Kim Garvey, vice president of corporate communications for the > Globetrotters. > > Past honorees include Henry Kissinger, By any chance, was this at the start of "Young People's After-School Press Conference?" (about three people know what the heck I'm talking about by this point.) > Kareem Abdul Jamar, Nelson Mandela and Jackie Joyner Kersey. > > "Similar to the pope, the Globetrotters have touched tens of millions of > people around the world as moral leaders and champions of human rights," > Jackson said. Hey, I've touched tens of millions of people too, but they usually just slap my hand away. > Like the pope, Garvey said the "Globetrotters are known the world over as > ambassadors of goodwill." I certainly respect the Pope as much as I do the Globetrotters. Also, I think Galileo could beat the Pope in a one-on-one game, even after he went blind from staring at the Sun. > The jersey included the pope's name and the number 75 stitched on the > back, to celebrate the team's upcoming 75th anniversary season in 2001. Do they mean the Pope's real name, or his Pope name? > The trip to Rome marked the sixth time the Globetrotters have visited the > Vatican. Yeah, but I bet the Washington Generals have been there just as often. -- K. The Harlem Globetrotters are what you get if you take all the violence out of pro wrestling... and make the outcome even MORE fixed. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Thieves steal two and a half tonnes of lead from Buckingham Palace Date: Mon, 4 Dec 2000 11:11:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Urgent news from last week, courtesy of l'AFP: > > LONDON, 28 nov (AFP) - Thieves have stolen over two and half > tonnes of lead from the grounds of Buckingham Palace, Queen > Elizabeth II's London residence, Scotland Yard said on Tuesday. > Workmen discovered the theft Monday when they arrived with a > crane to pick up the metal. It had been stored on pallets on the > roof of the queen's police station. Oh, heavens! However will Her Majesty reign without her royal lead supply? Whatever will she make bullets out of when she goes peasant-hunting? > The lead, which was worth around 600 pounds (1,000 euros, 850 > dollars), had been left behind by builders renovating the palace roof. Charles ordered the renovations because he felt there wasn't nearly enough lead in Her Majesty's palace. He also ordered the lead roof gutters to drain off into a rain barrel marked "DRINKING WATER FOR EVERYONE BUT CHARLES ONLY." > The theft highlights concerns over security at the palace. And concerns over 2.5-ton lumps of lead sitting on creaky old castle roofs. If a 2.5-ton lead weight fell on the Queen, would it make a.) a very large red spot on the rug b.) a very large hole in the floor c.) a "Monty Python" reference ? > Previous incidents include the discovery of some young German > tourists camping on the palace grounds and an intruder who > confronted the queen in her bedroom at night. But those are nothing compared to THE GREAT LEAD ROBBERY!!! > More than 1,000 people work in the royal palaces with over two > million paying visitors passing through the grounds annually. That number is expected to dwindle to zero now that Her Majesty's Scenic Lead Heaps are gone. -- K. If I were king, I would say, BRING ME ALL THE ZINC IN THE KINGDOM! AND FROM NOW ON, ONLY I AM ALLOWED TO SAY "ZINC"! ZINC ZINC ZINC ZINC!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The most important new catchphrase of this or any other decade! Date: Fri, 8 Dec 2000 04:39:44 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I was at Logan Airport today -- where I got to see the aftermath of what happens when someone drives a ten-foot-tall folded up crane into the ten-foot-one-inch-tall parking garage and then the latch holding the crane arm down goes 'SPROINGGG' -- and to get back to the subway station from Terminal B I had to ride the #22 Massport shuttle bus. Now, like most buses, it had an American Wink-O-Matic brand variable message sign, what you laypeople would call "one of those damn unreadable things that says something in little yellow dots that get stuck most of the time." This sign was in relatively good shape -- the little yellow/black M&Ms that made up the letters were still mostly flipping around as the sign cycled through the list of places the bus was going. Except that the third letter was always about five seconds behind the others, and so when the rest of the sign was giving me a cheery greeting the third letter decided that it should instead say HAMPY HOLIDAYS! And so I now relay these good tidings of hampiness to you. Have a hampy day. -- K. The word "hamper" is funnier than the word "hamster". Scientists are trying to counteract this by breeding a hamster that contains extra "p".