Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Ay yi yi, el agua pinka es XTREMO! Date: Fri, 8 Mar 2002 22:37:06 GMT New Gatorade sighting: The "Citrico", "Mango", and "Tropical" flavors (which are designed to be sold in the U.S. but pronounced in Spanish) are now officially designated "XTREMO". And remember, if there's no accent mark the stress goes on the next-to-last syllable, so it's pronounced "ga-to-RA-de". -- K. It's too bad Ricky Ricardo is dead. Just think, if "I Love Lucy" were still in production, Ricky would be chugging down bottles of Gatorade XTREMO. While smoking. "Little Ricky, I am shocked to learn you have a drug problem! Here, have some Gatorade XTREMO and some fine Philip Morris cigarettes instead." P.S. Yes, it's "el agua" and not "la agua", because water is masculine, and it's "la mano" because "Manos: The Hands Of Fate" was a chick flick. Highly irregular. (Cue fake Burt Bacharach music as Kibo begins doing the Frug while dressed as Mr. Spock.) (degree of difficulty: 8.3) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I wish *I* could turn into two independent motorcycles. Date: Fri, 8 Mar 2002 23:03:04 GMT [from the Chicago Sun-Times] -> -> Passenger seat is open again for Cruise's film -> -> March 7, 2002 -> -> by Cindy Pearlman -> -> Tom Cruise still feels the need--the need for speed. -> -> The actor is developing a remake of the 1975 drive-in favorite -> "Death Race 3000" to star in and produce. Is he also doing the George Orwell classic, "2984"? And what about "21,000 Leagues Under The Sea"? (Well, that would be impossible, because everyone knows the ocean is only 20,000 leagues deep.) I think probably Ms. Pearlman mean to say that Tom Cruise was planning a remake of "Death Race 2000" with the title changed to "Death Race 3000" to make it a thousand cooler. You know, like David Hasselhoff's "Super Knight Rider 3000" project which will supposedly improve on "Knight Rider 2000", "Knight Rider 2010", and "Team Knight Rider" (the one with the car that could magically change into two motorcycles six feet apart.) See, by adding a thousand to it, it gets a thousand better. GOSH, IT'S TOO BAD THEY CANCELLED "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000" BEFORE THEY COULD MAKE FUN OF THAT. -> Director Paul Anderson (the upcoming "Resident Evil") told GLARE, Who's GLARE? The Gay/Lesbian Alliance for Ridiculous Entertainment? Green-Lighting Awfully Rotten Epics? Giant Lobsters Amid Random Explosions? -> "Tom plays Frankenstein, the best driver in the world. But he has -> that nickname because he's been in so many crashes. He's a little -> bit beat up. He's a little reckless." -> -> The movie is revving up in a not-so-reckless way. *cough*cough* OH NO! HERE COME THE DANCING BEARS OF COUGHING! THEY'RE MARCHING OVER THE HORIZON, GLOWING AND SPARKLING AND COUGHING! THEY'RE POINTING AT THAT SENTENCE AND COUGHING! THEY'RE GIVING OUT COUPONS FOR FREE WHEEL ALIGNMENT AND POINTING AND COUGHING AND GLOWING AND SPARKLING AND THAT WAS STUPID! -> Last week, a script was turned in to Paramount. It's a return -> to the driver's seat for Cruise, who also did "Days of Thunder." Hey Ben Stiller! Remember how you made fun of Tom Cruise in that movie where he drove the car really fast to win the big race? And how you made fun of him in that movie where he drove the plane really fast to win the big plane race? Well, that mean Tom Cruise is forcing you to repeat yourself! He's ruining your career! -> Cruise fell in love with ex-wife Nicole Kidman on the set of that film. Yes... but... where... did... she... get... that... acting... talent... she... displayed... in... "Eyes"... "Wide"... "Shut"? She... must... have... a... lot... of... it... saved... up... because... she... doled... it... out... so... slowly... in... that... very... very... disappointing... Kubrick... film... which... was... so... diss... a... ppointing. -> Will he get into that same gear again? I asked Anderson if he's -> casting Cruise's current love Penelope Cruz as the female lead. "We -> really haven't gotten around to casting the female lead yet," he -> hedged. "I'm not even thinking about it." There's always a possibility he'll find a new girlfriend whose name he can't spell. -> He can divulge a few fast plot secrets. "We've updated the movie in -> that it's not a race across America. It's now a race around the world. WOW!!! That's as awesome an improvement as if in "Citizen Kane 3000" there were TWO sleds! -> The cars are just amazing, too. They can fire missiles, become -> invisible, (record low special-effects budget) -> split and then re-form. WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! DANGER, DAVID HASSELHOFF! REMAKE OF "TEAM KNIGHT RIDER" DETECTED! Except that I think instead of having the car turn into two motorcycles that talk in sassy voices they'll just have to motorcycles say "Vrr!" and "Ooom!" to maintain the sense of realism. I wonder if "Super Knight Rider 3000" or "Death Race 3000" will be released first? If I were David Hasselhoff, I'd want my movie to be last, so that I could change the title to "Super Knight Rider 3001" and I'd WIN! Unless Tom Cruise is smart enough to do "Death Race Infinity Plus Double Infinity No Givebacks". But I think the chances of Tom Cruise being that smart are pretty slim. I mean, he'd not only have to know about "infinity", but also "no givebacks". -> It's a real high-tech adventure." As opposed to all those OTHER movies which contain PRETEND adventures! -> Anderson added, "One of the best scenes is a car breaking the sound -> barrier with a sonic blast on a river of all ice. The ice begins to -> crack and shatter. It will be amazing." Better yet, an invisible car that travels through time underwater inside a volcano filled with molten lava, all of which is also invisible! -> Another tidbit: "I'd love to cast Sly Stallone and bring him back as -> the same character he played in the first one. He was a great -> Machine Gun Joe," the director said. Yes, he was one of the best Machine Gun Joes ever. -- K. You know, the guy who played Automan in "Automan" once starred in a movie titled "America 3000". I was thinking they should do a remake titled "America 3000 3000" to cash in on this "add a '3000'" craze but then I realized, with "Tron 2.0" in the works, won't he be busy making a knockoff of the new "Tron" called "Automan 3.000"? I think the other star of "Automan" (Desi Arnaz Jr.) will need to get of his butt and start working on "Turbo I Love Lucy VR" or something if he doesn't want to be behind the times. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology,sci.skeptic,alt.sci.proof-of-god From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 1935 Einstein-Rosen Bridge wrt God=g_uv Date: Fri, 8 Mar 2002 23:35:06 GMT Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.physics.relativity, sci.physics, alt.religion.kibology, sci.skeptic, and alt.sci.proof-of-god, George Hammond (ghammond@attbi.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Now, Hammond has discovered and proven that: > > God = g_uv For those of you reading this in sci.physics, sci.physics.relativity, or sci.skeptic: Note that George Hammond has chosen to start cross-posting his insane rants to alt.religion.kibology. This should be your signal that it's okay to ignore him. After all, if he's such a total idiot that he can't figure out that there's a difference between sci.physics and alt.religion.kibology, he's not even smart enough to be a crackpot, let alone a scientist. A gentle hint to George: Have you ever considered the reason that so many people from alt.religion.kibology call you an idiot is that you keep going out of your way to post your theories there? And that maybe if you don't like certain people calling you an idiot, you shouldn't go out of your way to get them to call you an idiot? It's not like the people in alt.religion.kibology are ever going to take you seriously. Heck, they don't even take Archimedes Plutonium seriously, and he's not half the idiot you are! -- K. P.S. Your "KOOKIE CUTTER" doesn't seem to work very well. I have yet to see any evidence that your spamming empty messages over and over will somehow prevent me from calling you an idiot. Oh, and just to save you the trouble of posting a "KOOKIE CUTTER" followup, let me just call you an idiot in advance: You're an idiot. There, I just saved you the trouble of getting me to call you an idiot after your next followup. You can now cross "Get Kibo to call me an idiot" off your to-do list, or Lite-Brite board, or whatever else you're using to schedule your constant idiocy. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology,sci.skeptic,alt.sci.proof-of-god From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 1935 Einstein-Rosen Bridge wrt God=g_uv Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 00:29:13 GMT Followup-To: alt.sci.proof-of-dog In sci.physics.relativity, sci.physics, alt.religion.kibology, sci.skeptic, and alt.sci.proof-of-god, George Hammond (ghammond@attbi.com) wrote (about a zillion times): > > ==============KOOKIE==KUTTER========================= > NOTE: The original target article which this thread > refers to may be seen at: > http://home.attbi.com/~ghammond/E-Rbridge.html > ==========IGNORE==INTERNET==HECKLERS================== What color is the sky in your world, given that you see "ignore" and "spam" as the same shade of pink? -- K. Hey, George, let's try this one: An idiot says "KOOKIE KUTTER"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.skeptic From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 1935 Einstein-Rosen Bridge wrt God=g_uv Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 00:24:32 GMT Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Sherilyn (sherilyn@suespammers.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > For those of you reading this in sci.physics, sci.physics.relativity, > > or sci.skeptic: > > > > Note that George Hammond has chosen to start cross-posting his insane > > rants to alt.religion.kibology. This should be your signal that it's > > okay to ignore him. > > Considering that's the first KIBO posting I've seen on sci.skeptic in > oooh three years or so, I think it's safe to assume that the Kiboparty > would not be impressed by any further georgehammonding on ark. > > Q 2 K: is it just the xposts the bug you? No, it's the spamming. He's been posting about eighty articles a week usually consisting of "KOOKIE CUTTER" and an advertisement for his Web site. If he had a different crackpot message every time, that would be different. But he doesn't seem interested in actually trying to communicate with anyone. He's not even up to the level of Archie Plutonium or Alexander Abian or Kurt Stocklmeir, all of whom posted actual content instead of just spamming the same thing. Why he feels he needs to spam alt.religion.kibology about his crackpot theory, I don't understand. It's likely that he's never even read the group, if he can't figure out that cross-posting his articles to the "real" science newsgroups and alt.religion.kibology will guarantee that folks over on the science newsgroups will consider him a bozo. -- K. At least I'm smart enough to understand I'm a bozo. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Putting the "fun" back in "slime mold". Date: Sat, 9 Mar 2002 00:02:27 GMT Jere Kahanpaa (kahanpaa@gstar.astro.helsinki.fi) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [quoting a Web page about fungi] > > => > > => Fusarium is characterized by the production of slimy, hyaline, > > => septate, canoe-shaped conidia (known as macroconidia) that in most > > => species are produced in fruiting-structures called sporodochia. > > hyaline = clear. So basically they are saying Fusarium is a slimy, invisible, > canoe-shaped (and sized?) poisonous killer fungus from outer space. Yumm! I don't think they said it was from outer space so much as from beneath the layer of topsoil under the bottommost layer of Hell. (Fungus goes three inches below Hell when it dies.) > The American food industry has (once again) out-oh-grossed traditional > north European cuisine. I'm sure Finland will regain their lead when they invent Lutefisq(tm), a codless lutefisk substitute made entirely from octupus pus. Also, the "mycoprotein"-based "chicken-style nuggets" I ate were made by a European company. An American one would never think of selling that. They'd just sell regular chicken nuggets with a big banner saying "LESS FAT THAN BUTTER, AND MORE PROTEIN THAN KOOL-AID!" or "NOW 100% MYCOPROTEIN-FREE!" or "UP TO 200% HEALTHIER THAN CHICKEN NUGGETS MADE FROM PLUTONIUM!" -- K. I'm waiting for Black & Decker to sell a codless drill. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Putting the "fun" back in "slime mold". Date: Sat, 9 Mar 2002 00:26:01 GMT Paddy Smith (pjsmith40@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Incidentally, I did some research, and found that the "unassuming" > > fungus from which mycoprotein is made is from the species > > Fusarium graminearum. It's a microscopic fungus which lives in > > dirt. One botanical Web site describes it nicely: > > Ah, but you didn't find out that slime mold is NOT A FUNGUS? For shame. See, when I typed "slime mold", it involved typing "m-o-l-d" (except for the hyphens), so I think you can assume I was not trying to be strictly taxological when I referred to the slimy fungus used in those "chicken-style nuggets" as being slime mold-ish. If you had eaten the things you'd know why I was implying that they were closer to slime mold than they are to chicken. > But apart from the grievous taxonomical errors, this post made me several > times happier than if I was eating a bowl of mycoprotein and egg white. But > then, in Europe we're picky picky picky about food, and usually only eat odd > fungus when it turns the cheese blue. I wouldn't. > > Another site warns me of the dangers of the 1500 known Fusarium species: > > > > -> Despite intensive research, efforts to control Fusarium fungal > > -> infections and prevent or eliminate the presence of its mycotoxins > > -> in foods have not met with a great deal of success. > > Apparently (teh webnet says) 'ergot alkaloids' count as a mycotoxin. When > they start making Quorn from ergot, it will presumably be marketed to kids > by Cap'n Crunch and Crayola. "New! Saint Anthony's Fire Flakes! Catch the dancing mania! Can these witches tell the difference between Quorn and ergot in this Salem Taste Trial?" So how did pornography come to be named after a corn disease? Or is it the other way around? Is pornography made from some sort of corn extract? -- K. From a Web page: => Corn smut is an extremely common disease of sweet, => pop, and dent corn in Ohio and throughout the world. => It is usually not economically important, although => in some years yield losses in sweet corn may be as => high as 20%. In Mexico, immature smut galls are => consumed as an edible delicacy known as cuitlacoche, => and sweet corn smut galls have become a high value => crop for some growers in the NE United States who => sell them to Mexican restaurants. From this we learn that not only do Mexicans prefer their corn to have diseases, but that in addition to pop corn there is such a thing as dent corn. Does it crumple up when you cook it? And from a document titled "Uses of Fungi by Native Americans": -> Corn smut -> -> Several tribes gathered smuts as they appeared -> on corn plants and boiled them as a food. -> -> The Hopis enjoyed this food too, but they held -> that smut found on a man's corn is considered a -> sign that he has defecated in his field. But was that good or bad, given that they liked the taste of smut? I'll leave you with this charming song about the dancing mania (probably caused by ergot) in 1625: => Amidst our people here is come => The madness of the dance. => In every town there now are some => Who fall upon a trance. => It drives them ever night and day, => They scarcely stop for breath, => Till some have dropped along the way => And some are met by death. They just don't write songs like that any more. At least, not since "Oh, Those Golden Grahams!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Uh... duh? Date: Sat, 9 Mar 2002 00:41:52 GMT Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Fun facts about nutmeg (mace grows inside nutmeg fruits): > > So are you telling me, Mr. Parry, that I've been incorrectly using > the nutmeg my sister-in-law gave me? See, when a recipe calls for > nutmeg, I grab one of those nutmegs and scrape hell out of it on a > grater. I do not stop at the outer coating of nutmeg, but burrow on > through to the center. So am I actually spicing my delectibles with a > mixture of nutmeg and mace rather than 100% Grade-A nutmeg goodness? No, see, the thing you're calling a "nutmeg" is a pit, unless you're trying to grate a big squishy yellow fruit thing the size of a peach. Inside the fruit there's a brown pit the size of a walnut, and wrapped around the pit (when the thing is alive) is the bright red octopus thing I was telling Kurt Stocklmeir about. They separate the three pieces -- the fruit gets made into jam nobody likes, the red tentacly stuff turns into mace and winds up hidden in your hot dog, and the pit is the rock-like thing you're grinding to groovy up your egg nog. Mace tastes slightly different from nutmeg, I'm told. Since hot dogs are about the only thing mace is put in, I think most people would agree that mace tastes like hot dogs, as opposed to those many things which smell like hot dogs (electric chairs, the Weinermobile, an electric chair in the Weinermobile, and frankfurters.) > > Nutmeg is a hallucinogen. About half a nutmeg pit will apparently > > cause you to trip out. No, I'm not going to try it. I hate nutmeg. > > I've never tried it, either. Then again, I've never huffed an entire > can of metallic-gold spray paint, but it ain't because I dislike the > color. Just be sure that little spot at the base of your spine stays grounded in reality and you'll be okay. This is why all those futuristic alien civilizations on "Lost In Space" and "The Time Tunnel" died out. > > One Web page introduced me to a meme: > > > > => In the nutmeg trade, broken nutmegs that have been infested > > => by pests are referred to as "BWP grade" (broken, wormy and punky). > > Actually, Broken, Wormy, and Punky were the original names of the > Tele-Tubbies, along with Scabrous. You're thinking of the Pac-Man ghosts. Clunky, Spunky, Punky, and Brewster. > > From now on I shall refer to many things as BWP grade. For instance, > > Ezio Greggio's brain. > > The phrase might also come in useful in describing some software. Yeah, especially if Ezio Greggio wrote it. -- K. Has anyone else noticed that Francesco Benvenuto is never on TV at the same time as Ezio Greggio? Francesco, I demand you prove that you're not Ezio Greggio. Also, you know what would be weird? If you changed your name to Francesco Benvenutmego and wore a mace bikini. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Uh... duh? Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 21:37:05 GMT Francesco Benvenutmeg (fbenvenuto@tin.it) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [Francesco,] I demand you prove that you're not Ezio Greggio. > > I am sometimes funny. QED. No no no! Anyone who goes around claiming to be funny is automatically not funny. After all, I'm sure Ezio Greggio thinks he's really funny. This is why I walk around city streets yelling "DUH! DUH! DUH! DOIDY! DUH!" to make people think I'm a genius. > > Also, you know what would be weird? If you changed your > > name to Francesco Benvenutmego and wore a mace bikini. > > That would be very weird indeed. I'll bring my brand new flashy shiny Fuji > 2800Z to action and post the url to retrieve the corresponding jpeg as soon > as possible. > > Sincerely, > "Ginger", the nutmeg professor I don't like those Fuji cameras. They have pixels shaped like this: |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| | / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / | |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| | / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / | |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| | / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / | |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| |---| | ...with the result that all horizontal lines get as wiggly as diagonal lines are supposed to be, because the people at Fuji design their cameras specifically for people who want to film "Batman" reruns or "Battlefield Earth" where everything is on a forty-five degree slant. I have a Nikon which has normal Earth pixels shaped like graph paper, so it can take pictures of right angles which are razor-sharp, or at least as sharp as an angle that's almost obtuse can be. Also your pixels only see three colors (green, red, blue, and more green) while my pixels see all four primary colors (green, magenta, yellow, and cyan.) Plus I use AC Delco batteries in my Japanese camera just to make Michael Moore cry. -- K. For those who don't shop for lots of car parts: AC Delco is the subsidiary of General Motors (an American car company) which makes knockoffs of batteries to fit in other people's cars. Oddly, they have also started selling knockoffs of Nikon camera batteries. (This isn't too hard, as all those weird little non-interchangeable battery packs in cameras and camcorders and phones and laptop computers are just AA-sized batteries inside an expensive plastic shell. Companies like Panasonic and Sony make the batteries and everyone puts their own plastic around them and then insists they make their own batteries.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Cap'n Crunch is the oldest living hippie Date: Sat, 9 Mar 2002 00:52:58 GMT Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Of course, commercials for weirdly-colored kids' foods always show the > > kids biting into the stuff and then freakin' out into a trippy world > > of multi-colored candy swirls and flying fruits (and in some cases > > undergoing hideous genetic damage, like in the Gushers commercials > > where the kid's head turns into a watermelon slice.) But do they have > > to be so overt about the psychedelic nature of confetti-colored cereals? > > This actually makes a lot of sense in this case. When I used to catch > my kids with crayola crayon shards mixed with spit all over their mouths > and running down the rest of them, I used to turn it into a pretty > psychadelic experience. Somehow I have a hard time picturing John Lennon telling these stories about Sean Lennon. If it turns out that he wrote "Yellow Submarine" just because his kid tried to eat a toy plastic submarine, I'll be very disappointed. Maybe "Yellow Submarine" and "Octopus's Garden" were written during the same bubble bath. I think most psychedelic part of the "Yellow Submarine" movie is when the Blue Meanie's boots start blinking on and off by accident. Man, that's nearly as psychedelic as that "Archies" cartoon where Archie's eyes and mouth teleported a foot to the right of his head. I just saw one where Mr. Weatherbee or Miss Grundy (I forget which) asked Jughead why he was late for school and he said "I washed too long!" and apparently that was a joke because the Giant Jukebox showed stock footage of children pretending to laugh. The concept of "I washed too long!" being the funniest joke in the world is freakier than anything the Beatles ever did, and I'm even counting Yoko as a Beatle. I love "Yellow Submarine" but it just doesn't hold a candle to "The Archies" for total freaky weirdness. Watching "The Archies" causes genetic damage. -- K. The Giant Jukebox could beat up the Yellow Submarine any day, because a video game once told me "WINNERS DON'T DO DRUGS!" and I'm sure Archie gave up drugs around 1951, because he heard that drugs age you. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Cap'n Crunch is the oldest living hippie Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 01:09:41 GMT Daniel Buettner (buettner@cse.unl.edu) wrote: > > Daniel Buettner (buettner@cse.unl.edu) wrote: > > > > Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > > > > > Didn't there used to be a Mountain Dew clone called Mello Yello? > > > > Made by Coke. It's still available in my market. > > Update: at least one Arby's here in town has fountain Mello Yello. I think if I were Ezio Greggio I would say something about a fountain Mello Yello shower, and then yell "IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!" at a million decibels in Italian, and then some large animal such as an elephant or dinosaur would perform a certain bodily function, and then a neon sign that says "WEE-WEE!" would flash while the camera zoomed in and out and Charles Nelson Reilly tore his clothes off and then they'd perform "Singin' In The Rain" under the fountain Mello Yello. Note that I did not specify whether Mr. Reilly tore off his own clothes or Ezio's clothes. My imagination isn't that detailed. > It really isn't that bad and may even be preferable to actual Mountain Dew. The only lemon sodas that are any good come in bottles shaped like the SeaQuest. Plus you get free marbles. -- K. P.S. Then a talking dog would bite Lou Ferrigno in the crotch, so for the rest of the movie he'd have to wear a diaper over his trousers becase, hey, it was a TALKING dog. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Cap'n Crunch is the oldest living hippie Date: Sat, 9 Mar 2002 01:01:11 GMT Otto Bahn (JGAULT@C*C*IS10*25.mc.duke.edu) wrote: > > Carlos May (froggy@starbase.neosoft.com) wrote: > > > > CAP'N CRAYON CEREAL! > > NOW WITH ADDED HALLUCINOGENS! > > > > Dang, more amazing insight from Leader Kibo. > > Why the heck _do_ so many commercials market food to kids as > > if the products would give them an acid trip? > > > > What sort of market research went into this tactic? > > Mary Poppins does the Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang > all over your screen! > > Kids don't need the drug part to appreciate the > psychedelic stuff. One theory says the newness > of altered states is one reason adults enjoy them > to begin with. Are you saying the reason I don't do drugs is that I wouldn't experience any weird hallucinations I don't see all day every day anyway? If so, you're right. I once saw a giant glowing revolving snake coming out of Barry Shein's head in 3-D. At least, I think it was 3-D. It might have just been real. > Take time dilation, for example, one could argue > that is merely an expected effect. WHAT, YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH DRUGS, EINSTEIN? > But I digress. Adults think it is "trippy." Kids > just think it is cool. There's no right or wrong > answer. You'd never be a good TV commercial writer. Of COURSE there is a right answer. The right answer is to find a way to say "BUY THE STUPID CEREAL, DAMMIT!" but without the "STUPID" or "DAMMIT" and have it still be just as effective. -- K. Hey moms! THIS SWIMMING POOL CONTAINS ENOUGH WATER TO DROWN OVER A MILLION CHILDREN! That's why you should only feed your children Kool-Aid. Because what sort of mother would let her kids drink water? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A milestone! Date: Sat, 9 Mar 2002 01:09:32 GMT Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > My digital camera just passed picture number 9999 and went to picture > > 0001. Apparently on Planet Nikon they use base nine thousand nine > > hundred ninety-nine, which makes their math even sillier than the > > eleven-fingered Psychlos'. > > IBM's VM operating system pioneered this math decades ago, except that > when it got to 9999 it simply exploderated and destroyed all 9999 > files. Nowadays it allows 9999 files for each user, and once one user > gets to 9999 he starts rejecting files from other users until *those* > users get to 9999, and they told two friends, and so on, and so on. Yes, but the University of Michigan wrote an even better operating system for IBM mainframes -- MTS. In MTS, job numbers started at 0001 and went up to 9999, but then they ran out of numbers and they didn't want to change anything, so after 9999 they went to A000 to F999. That's right, the left-hand quarter of the number was in base sixteen and the right-hand seventy-five percent was in base ten. This allowed them to use 60% more job numbers than if they had used only decimal, without opening the door to the 655% more numbers they would have had if they had actually switched to making the whole number base sixteen. So they managed to come up with the most illogical system possible by using nonstandard math just to get a few more numbers. This sort of thing is why on January 1, 2000, the state of Michigan exploded. -- K. Also, an accident with a time machine caused the entire state of Crodwynnyoghia to have never existed. To this day, nobody knows whether the University of Crodwynnyoghia's time machine used a base-10 or a base-16 calendar. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A milestone! Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 01:18:16 GMT [regarding Kibo's horror story about an ancient computer system that used base nothing-in-particular for four-and-a-half-digit numbers] Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Alistair Gale (alistair@caribsurf.com) wrote: > > > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > The ANSI edition of Kernighan and Ritchie mentions that 8 and 9 are > > > no longer valid octal digits. I think it's identified as "everyone's > > > favorite change." > > > > I think I'm in need of McIrvin grade explication of the above > > Think of it as Hobbit Octal: if you can figure out what "eleventy-one" > means in decimal, you can figure out what "91" means in octal. It means "91" except that it's in Canadian dollars, right? > But it's good for everyone's sanity that they took it out. Not true. Proof: Kurt Stocklmeir. Either it failed to make him sane, or the World Government forgot to force him to read the Kernighan & Ritchie book like the other 5,999,999,999 people. I can probably name at least three other people who don't care what Kernighan & Ritchie said about some stupid digits. Because I have at least three of these imaginary friends, and there are only two of Kernighan & Ritchie, I win, unless imaginary friends translate into real people at the same exchange rate that imaginary Canadian dollars translate into real American dollars. I wish I lived in Canada just so I could get the "Toonie Tuesday" specials at every fast-food restaurant. -- K. Didja know that Bullwinkle was originally intended to be French-Canadian? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A milestone! Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 01:31:47 GMT Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > My co-workers at Ticketmaster are amazed that I can convert from hex to > decimal in my head, and that I know most of the ASCII table off the top > of my head. Big deal. Not only do I know how to convert from hexademical and I know the ASCII table, but I also know that YOU know the ASCII table, therefore I know three things to your two, and three is one bigger than two even if you cheat and switch to hexademical without telling me. I'm still convinced that restaurants got everyone to switch from 10% tips to 15% tips just to make those "tip calculator" wallet cards seem less bozotic. Although, of course, it's still quite simple to do 15% in your head (assuming you know the secret algorithms for dividing by 10 and dividing by 2. The ancient Pythagoreans used to murder anyone who knew those, which is why to this day there is no tipping in Greek restaurants. And any Greek restaurant that tries to serve frozen orange juice in an icosahedral Tetra Pak container will get burned down.) Also, I know how to pronounce "gyro". -- K. It's "doe-nair", or in Montreal, "doe-nwah". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Flying Shower Attack. Date: Sat, 9 Mar 2002 04:42:22 GMT Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > This showerhead is said to WORK LIKE A JET ENGINE! > > http://www.dutchguard.com/acatalog/DutchGuard_Shower_and_Bath_49.html > > I would very much like to have a shower that can fly around in the sky > and I could look down at people from my flying shower except I would > have clothes on so it would not end up being like that time in the > hardware store that didn't really happen but Tamara knows. I could > fly it to Engerland and everybody there would gather round and ooh and > aah because they would not have espied a shower before. When they say "Jet Engine", they are referring to the printing press that produces Jet magazine, which is like Reader's Digest would be if white people didn't exist. You see, this shower turns you black, and once you turn black you'll never turn back. Black is beautiful, and now it's easier than ever thanks to this exciting new shower nozzle. It's from the same people who make Ebony soap (it floats and it's got flava) and Vibe electric toothbrushes. (Roy Scheider doesn't bathe very often, as his shower nozzle has only turned him from pink to a the color of a Frappucino. So although he's eight times darker than Michael Jackson he's still not black.) Every time I go into the drugstore and see the aisle of hair care products, which now always has the sections of special hair dye just for black people and special hair dye just for Hispanics, I always wonder whether the hair dye manufacturers are being (a) less racist because now they have lots of hair-care products for all kinds of people or (b) more racist because they're trying to reinforce the bozo idea that black people are somehow chemically different from white people. White people's hair is made out of candy, but black people's hair is just made out of HAIR! Also, all Hispanic people have the same kind of hair, and only Anglos are allowed to have multiple colors of hair. Why do they acknowledge that there are people with blond hair, red hair, etc., and still pretend there is such a thing as "Hispanic hair"? I imagine there's the big vat of black dye somewhere, being divided up: "Okay, this third of the vat can only go on white people's heads, this third can only go on black people's heads, and this third can only go on the head of some of the Hispanic population." Of course, there would actually be further subdivisions: "This part can only go on the tops of white men's heads, this part can only go on white men's facial hair, this part can only go on white women's heads, this part goes into Oreos..." The hair care aisle frightens and confuses me. Especially because if they get people to accept that blacks and whites are biologically different enough that they have to have (allegedly) different kinds of hair dye, they'll start doing other racist things like selling separate deodorants. Then you'll be able to trick Klansmen into using the wrong brand of deodorant and they'll say "EEK! NOW I SMELL BLACK!" Plus the other scary thing about hair dye is, how safe can any product be where they have to include free plastic gloves? You can buy a bottle of lye and they won't give you free gloves. But this stuff that you're supposed to put on your HEAD is so deadly that they worry they'd get sued if they made you buy your own disposable gloves? And it can't be that they're just worried about you staining your hands -- fabric dye doesn't come with gloves. Housepaint doesn't come with gloves. Fountain-pen ink doesn't come with gloves. Heck, I bet if you paid ten million dollars to buy some plutonium from the Russians, it wouldn't even come with free Russian-made cellophane gloves! Clearly they're giving you the gloves because if you didn't have them, the stuff you're putting on your head would dissolve your hands. Oh, and the instruction pamphlet always tells you you'll go blind forever if you ever put the stuff anywhere near your eyes, such as on your head. That's why I only dye my hair before posing for newspaper photos. That, and the newspapers really need super-high contrast to be able to reproduce a picture well. They like me because they don't need to use any halftone dots at all to make my skin. If I could just get my hair to be really black, they could just reproduce my picture on a Xerox. I'd consider buying one of those shower heads that would make me black, because then I could see if the black people's hair dye came with different gloves, and I'd get to buy those "Chumpies" potato chips that white people aren't allowed to eat. But first they'd have to promise me that the shower head wouldn't stain the tilework in my INCREDIBLY CLEAN bathroom. (The walls even wash themselves, whenever the people upstairs take a shower. Sadly, the people upstairs shower more often than Roy Scheider.) "Chumpies" have a companion product, "Homegirls" potato chips. You have to be black AND female to enjoy these. THEY'RE CHICK CHIPS! From a 1999 Philadelphia Inquirer article: -> Up since about 5 a.m., King's owner Glenn Weber had fried hundreds of -> pounds of potato chips and had run out of spuds. He was shutting down the -> fryer. -> -> Among Weber's various niches is producing private-label 25-cent bags of -> potato chips for a Philadelphia distributor whose target market is African -> Americans. -> -> Chumpies are sold in purple bags with a picture of three boys, one wearing -> a baseball cap with the letters "Hboys," for homeboys. Homegirls are sold -> in a blue bag with three girls on it, one of them wearing Muslim head garb -> and another wearing a baseball cap that says "HGirls." -> -> Weber said the distributor sells about 29,000 of these bags a week. "He'd -> probably take more if I could make them," he said. -> -> Weber is also developing a new potato chip. He is calling it the -> "vegetable-garden chip," and it will be fried in lard and sprinkled with -> flavors of carrot, pepper, celery and tomato. "I'm looking for something -> different," he said. "Maybe it will go, maybe it won't." It'll be good for vegetarians who like lard. The big question is, what random ethnic stereotype will he put a cartoon of on the bag? I have less trouble accepting the concept of lard-and-salad potato chips than I do with the concept of potato chips for black people only. The existence of those chips probably starts lots of racist rumors, like how 7-Eleven is adding something special to all the potato chips they sell to make black people unable to digest them, or something. ("Black people's stomachs can't take Ruffles!") -- K. And people from India? They die if they ever take a bite of something that's not spicy! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Flying Shower Attack. Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 01:45:06 GMT Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@micron.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Every time I go into the drugstore and see the aisle of hair care > > products, which now always has the sections of special hair dye just > > for black people and special hair dye just for Hispanics, I always > > wonder whether the hair dye manufacturers are being (a) less racist > > because now they have lots of hair-care products for all kinds of people > > or (b) more racist because they're trying to reinforce the bozo idea > > that black people are somehow chemically different from white people. > > Dunno. But more than once I have seen--in print, no less--someone > point to these products as evidence of Boise's increasing > sophistication and multiculturality. Are there any areas where they DON'T sell these products, given that they're made by the same company that makes the "whites-only" hair-care products? I haven't seen the special Gatorades just for Hispanic Americans in too many places yet other than big cities, which I guess proves that suburbs just aren't sophisticated. Frankly, I can't understand why they can't just put English and Spanish together on the labels of ALL the flavors, or make separate English and Spanish labels for the SAME flavors, unless the company feels that people are so racist that they need to be reassured that people who speak another language aren't drinking the same color of water they are. Remember, kids, people who speak English have to enjoy "Starfruit" and people who speak Spanish have to like "Mango", and don't you dare try to mix them. The twin attitudes of "All members of ethnic group X like this product, and all members of ethnic group Y like the other product" and "Ethnic group X is so different from ethnic group Y that they're supposed to have different shopping habits in the same supermarket in the same city" would really offend me if I were a member of any ethnic group. Thankfully, not. I'm a robot. -- K. Although, if artificial intelligences become more common, I suspect we'll soon see different flavors of Gatorade for Mac OS and Windows. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: just now while drunk at a piano bar Date: Sat, 9 Mar 2002 04:44:04 GMT Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > [Piano] Keyboard mastery is a person who consults a lotto box or a bingo > chamber to decide what gets played next. Yeah, but it slowed down John Cage's performances a lot, having to draw a bingo number before every note. > Seven nights a week at Sorry Charlie's, Howard whips out one after > another emotional tune for one after another emotional drunk, and I am > such a drunk. After two tall bourbons (following a week of sober sick > leave) and a shot of Maker's Mark, I'm practically welling up at the > minor chords, the music tugging at my heartstrings, this way and that. You get music tugs? At karaoke night I only ever get music jerks. Scientists say that in the continuum from music tugs to music jerks there also exist music yanks and music pulls, but there are no music shoves because everyone knows you can't push on a heartstring. > We've exchanged a little currency, he and I, I should disclose. I gave > him a couple bucks I was saving for maybe a drink. He gave me a few > words about the bad fluorescent light that illuminates me about 8% of > the time it should, bad ballast and all. "Makes it hard keep doing what > you're doing," or something, I don't actually remember at all, because > I'm deeply deeply drunk. I keep wanting to design a fluorescent light where the distribution of "on" moments on the timeline is a Cantor dust, so it winks on and off an infinite number of times per second even though it's only on 0% of the time and it has long "off" gaps. > [...] > > Numb all over, I'm soaking it in. The waitress brings water, and > suddenly I love her like I never loved my mother. I think I'll order > another shot to make her happy that she gave me birth. > > "Another Maker's," I almost say, eschewing cash -- $3 left -- for > credit, but she yawns, and makes love to another customer. > > So I tip instead. If I were Gary Larson I'd say something like "COW BAR! NO TIPPING!" but I can't because if I were him I would have retired young. Does anyone know what he's doing since he gave up "The Far Side"? Did he just take all the money he made from those old-cartoon-a-day calendars and buy an island somewhere where he could live with his cows and ducks and Popeye and that big-eyeglass-frame woman? -- K. At least Charles Schulz's strip has gotten funnier since he died. Whoever is drawing it now is so much better than Schulz was! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Borborygmus? She's barely met us! Date: Sat, 9 Mar 2002 04:48:13 GMT Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > The cafeteria seems to have stopped using whatever oil it is that I find > completely indigestible in their tomato sauce, but started using it on > their popcorn. OW OW POINTY OW OW OW! Knife-sharpening oil? Oil of nettles? Oilestra? > I now have disturbing images of Barbara Bain and Diana Rigg having it > out in a "muss" in my intestine. Don't forget Barbara Feldon and all three of the original Catwoman. Catwoman had the best six legs on the planet. -- K. I would toss one of the women from "Doctor Who" into your intestine, but I couldn't find one who wasn't constantly obnoxious. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Yarf Date: Sat, 9 Mar 2002 05:10:42 GMT Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > I learned something new Monday with regards to tattooing: > > Make sure customers have slept the night before and had more to eat than a > few handfuls of Goldfish that day, or they may throw up. Yeah! Make 'em eat two gallons of strawberry ice cream right before you stick 'em. Then they'll NEVER throw up! Also, why would you care? I'd be happy to have a customer barf while I was tattooing them, because then I could say "You moved! Now it's YOUR fault this tattoo has a big mistake in it!" as long as I was careful not to yell "WHOOPS!!!!" back when I accidentally made the flaming skull's nose really long. -- K. And I'd tattoo people with disappearing ink for part of the tattoo so that in a few days they'd be left with a heart that says "OTHER". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: [OT] "Informed consent" [was Re: Canadians] Date: Sat, 9 Mar 2002 05:22:06 GMT Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > A while back I was at some shopping mall looking for stupid stuff with > Sam and Kibo, and we found a book called "Baby Kermit Goes Potty" or > some such thing. Baby Kermit the Frog was talking about wiping his > bottom afterwards, and I said "His bottom? He's got a cloaca!" > > And some other people were standing in the same aisle, and I suddenly > felt embarrassed about letting my freak flag fly. Um, Matt, if you don't know the difference between your long hair and a frog's cloaca, you're going to be the filthiest hippie ever. Also, I was the one who started shouting "I DON'T KNOW HIM! THE GUY WHO JUST SAID 'CLOACA' WHILE READING A TODDLER TOILET BOOK! I THINK HE'S LOST OR SOMETHING!" > At least it was less frightening than "Kermit Learns Windows," in which > Kermit explained Windows 3.1 program groups as being like a special toy > box. I recall Kermit explained the "Accessories" programs as "Accessories are things that make your computer fun." I think seeing that book was when I realized Kermit has sold out his journalistic integrity! -- K. Matt, remember when he interviewed Rapunzel and asked her to let her freak flag fly and how it was just her hair? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kurt's scary brother Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 02:24:52 GMT robert lindsay (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > [quoting from a Web page] > -> > -> [...] > -> Our Earth is a vegetarian planet. Humans are herbivores, but may eat > -> dairy and eggs of fowl. Animal meat of every species, including fish, > -> is unhealthy to eat and animal production for food other than dairy > -> and eggs is environmentally unacceptable. Consumption of animal meat > -> is forbidden. > -> > -> [...] > -> Swine are living incubators for human disease. Major carnivores and > -> sharks should already be extinct. Each and every species of swine, > -> major carnivore and shark will be gone. You know, now that I think about it, it does seem odd that I haven't seen more wackos calling for more species to go extinct right away. It's an idea whose time has come. I think we should all do our part to save the planet by each killing one species. I call dibs on wiping out any koala bears I see during my daily life. (Except for ones in the zoo, which don't count, because all zoos replaced their animals with audioanimatronics years ago.) My anti-environmental organization, Redwar, is hoping to sign up people who will wipe out these species: * White tigers * The noisy kind of penguin * Rat Kings * Crabgrass * Whatever organism decided that Comedy Central should show mostly fake sports and fake game shows instead of comedy ("Win Ben Stein's Money", "Let's Bowl", "Battlebots", "Beat The Geeks") * Monarch butterflies and other insects that do not believe in democracy * Zucchini, and also zucchini bread * Chubs (both the minnow kind and the hamburger kind) * asymmetrical Volvox * that hermit crab that pinched me when I was eleven * the Olsen twins * Whatever "mycroprotein" is made from Thank you for your support. You can pick up your nuclear weapons at the recruiting table. -- K. Also, our "Nuke The Whales!" bumper stickers glow in their dark because of all the toxic plutonium. We double-dip every bumper sticker in the big glowing green jar of love. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kurt's scary brother Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 02:48:56 GMT Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > [concerning that Web page Robert Lindsay found about how we should > make various species, such as pigs, go extinct] > > I have seen the movie "Brazil" several times, and I can testify that > unless there is a version I have not heard of, there are NO giant > Jewish caves in that movie. I have no clue what you're talking about, and I've seen the movie more times than you. Also, how do you tell if a cave is Jewish? Is heavy excavating machinery involved in the briss? Oh, wait, you mean this paragraph: -> The Jews have been operating from huge caves as shown in the movie -> "Brazil". Those pictures were obtained by radio frequency retinal scan. -> One such Jew cave under the area now known as Lake Okeechobee, Florida was -> destroyed by nuclear missiles. Many inventions commonly believed to be -> recent including radio, photography, satellites, ballistic missiles, and -> nuclear fission devices were actually developed and used at earlier times. Now I understand everything. I never knew that Terry Gilliam filmed his movies using radio frequency retinal scan. Now I realize that whenever I watch one of his movies, he's actually stealing new movies from inside my eyeball. In fact, whenever I see a "Space: 1999" rerun where a monster comes out of Catherine Schell's eyeball, Terry Gilliam is secretly tucking monsters into my eyeball. I can prove this: "Space: 1999" was British, just like Terry Gilliam. Also, the reason "Space: 1999" is not on the air is that Barbara Bain's career was destroyed by nuclear missiles. -- K. So, this guy hates pork AND Jews? That's weirder than if he liked pork AND mycoprotein. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Critters! Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 02:25:35 GMT "Lleah" (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > Let me regale you with tales of critters .. > > I work at a wildlife center on the weekends, and it's been pure joy because > of things such as this: > > Pygmy owl: Teensy little ball of a bird. Usually we get raptors in to the > center that will rip your face off if given the chance. The worst this guy > can do is pinch you to death. He's so teensy that our rehabilitator dubbed > him "Popcorn". (Popcorn shrimp .. popcorn chicken .. popcorn owl. You > know.) She says he's so cute you just want to stick him in your mouth. > [...] I hope you're not mean enough to eat bags of Wise potato chips where he can see you. MMM, OWLICIOUS! > Crows: Crows are incredibly smart, and get bored very easily. > [...] Next! > Baby rockdoves: Kibo swears that there are no such things as baby pidgeons, > because you never see them in the wilds of the big cities. I now have proof > that they do actually bear young, as we have two little pathetic squablets > at the center. They were brought in by a well-meaning couple who assumed > they'd been abandoned by their parents. They hadn't, and we could tell this > because their little crops were just bursting with food. > [...] That happens if you feed 'em rice. Or Alka-Seltzer. > Squirrels: ANGER BALLS! > [...] Plus they build their own E-meters for UNAPPROVED therapies. > And lastly, > > Grebes: They live their entire life on the water. They have an amazing > courting ritual that involves scooting across the top of the water in > unison, wings fully extended. They are able to do this ridiculous water > dance because they have the best feet in the world. They have long toes > which, instead of being webbed completely, have big flaps on them. They > look like leaves. If you have ever seen a common coot, grebe's feets are > similar to the coot feets, but larger and well, sillier. Coupled with their > black head looking like a military buzzcut, they have piercing red eyes. I thought it was their beak that was supposed to be super-pointy. It would be cool to be able to poke people with your eyes. Or, I could get that wad of gum on my forehead from the color "Twilight Zone" episode "To See The Invisible Man", the thing that can magically burn up hats. I'd go around pressing my forehead to walls all day. "Oops! Sorry, I made half your bank go away! Plus you have to pretend I'm invisible while I steal all this money! Big Brother is punishing YOU for my thoughtcrime!" But then I'd start doing an Ed Begley Jr. impression, and I'd run around saying "Ever seen a shiiiiirt make a phonnnnne callllll?" and I'd go to Hollywood and ruin the new "Battlestar Galactica" by running around on the set and because they had to pretend I was invisible they'd have to air the episodes anyway even though I was streaking through every shot yelling "LOOKIT ME! I'M ENSIGN GREENBEAN, AND I'M NUUUUUUDE!" It's a good thing Big Brother can't actually sentence me to have everyone else required to pretend I'm Ed Begley Jr. But it COULD happen. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but the day after tomorrow, yeah, it could happen then. > There are, of course, sad tales as well, but I won't dwell on that here. I > hope you have enjoyed this installment of "Leah Babbles Critters at You". Doesn't Seattle have any rats? Or aren't you allowed to heal them when they're sick? Or is it just that Seattle has rats that never have diseases? > PS: I got to release a chickadee yesterday. It flew out of the box and > then landed on a tree branch and bitched me out for a minute before flying > away. "RELEASE THE A3 CHICKADEE!" <-- degree of difficulty: 9.998, as only two people other than me have read that particular slush pile. Along with about a quarter of the other amateur science fiction stories in that pile of submissions, it was a bad retelling of "The Most Dangerous Game", but at one point near the beginning, when they were hunting deadly genetically-engineered animals, someone shouted "Release the A3 deer!" and I like that sentence because, I mean, come on, A3 deer. The number means it would be three times deadlier than a regular Bambi. The other stories were mostly unintentional "Star Trek" fanfic (about people having manly adventures on spaceships with "phasers", "photon torpedoes", "warp drive", etc.) or ones where some fanboy got to travel back in time to meet John Lennon before he was killed. (In one, the author of the story got to meet Ringo Starr instead. I think the twist ending was that Ringo wasn't killed.) -- K. Sometime I should tell you about the other magazine fiction slush pile I read, the one with the eggplant porn. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Searchenginebombing: A new twist. Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 02:41:06 GMT [on trying to confuse Web search engines into making your page show up in lots of irrelevant searches] Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > > > So we can all put in our weblogs omething like this? > > > > Deputy Dawg Iron Chef crossover fanfic "Deputy Dawg Iron Chef crossover fanfic with FREE BEER", please. My site gets a lot of searches for wacky things. Sometime if you're good I'll post another summary of the logs. This week my page with the old article where I made fun of the Nicole Kidman snuff fanfic has gotten thousands of hits. Someone must've linked to it. The question is, was it an ironic link or a serious link? That is, did someone like it because they like Nicole Kidman, or did they like it because they would enjoy murdering Nicole Kidman, or did they enjoy me murdering the stupid story about Tom Cruise murdering Nicole Kidman? Computers should be required to have a big lever you have to slide back and forth to indicate the operator's current level of irony when they look at other people's stuff. That would allow my site to deliver content customized to the level of irony of each visitor. It would make my Deputy Dawg Iron Chef crossover fanfic page a lot more interesting. In some versions, I'd display a lot of respect for Deputy Dawg's Japanese cooking skills. And in others, I'd say the food tasted like a dog cooked it. > Google reveals that Archimedes Plutonium's first use of the > term "searchenginebombing" was on September 11, 1997. Ooh, > freaky. Well, not really. Wait... you're calling Archimedes Plutonium NOT freaky? I mean, this is a guy who used to wear a "modified" speed-skiing suit. -- K. I guess he wanted his crotch to get extra-cold. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Searchenginebombing: A new twist. Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 05:45:11 GMT Brian 'Jarai' Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Google reveals that Archimedes Plutonium's first use of the > > > term "searchenginebombing" was on September 11, 1997. Ooh, > > > freaky. Well, not really. > > > > Wait... you're calling Archimedes Plutonium NOT freaky? > > > > I mean, this is a guy who used to wear a "modified" speed-skiing suit. > > Whoa... wait a minute. I'm not up on that particular reference. > Just exactly when was it that Archimedes Plutonium had a modified > speed-skiing suit? I mean, did he wear it around Boston-- to his > potwashing job at Dartmouth? In July 1999, when he was packing up after he got fired from Dartmouth, Archie kept posting his list of stuff he was selling. It included a spandex downhill skiing suit which he said he "altered", although I don't know the specifics. I can only imagine whether he drew atoms all over it, let it out at the waist, added a rustproof zipper to the crotch, or what. Digging through the archive, I find that he was advertising it as having "vice snaps", which sounds even kinkier. [from Archimedes Plutonium, 1999] -> -> Descente USA Olympic ski suit of early 1990s, black with red liner, -> has USA logo on back. Bought it from a Vermont Olympic contender. -> Have altered it with velcro vice snaps. Size-- Small. Sale price -> $30, shipping not included Maybe he used the "velcro vice snaps" to attach a padded codpiece or something. Or maybe he used them to open up the bottom of it so he could wear it upside down when it got dirty, so he'd only have to wash it half as often. Also, I don't recall him actually being on the Olympic team. -- K. I went to Salt Lake City right after the Olympics ended two weeks ago, and I didn't buy anything except a box of Krispy Kreme donuts. I like them because they look computer-generated. So shiny... Mmm, Phong-frosted! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo's taco stand Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 03:02:10 GMT Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > I went to a little taco stand today because it seemed authentic. Those > of you who have been places where there are real Mexican food places and > not just Taco Bells will know what I am talking about. Aside from the > tripe taco option, I noticed something very interesting about this > place. "Everything" on your taco includes chili, but not cheese. So > when did you open up a taco dive out here, Kibo? YAY!!! I'm glad someone is shopping at my chain of supermarkets and taco stands. Paula, where is this one? It's not the one on Hollywood Boulevard and Western (next to "Le Sex Shoppe") that puzzled me by advertising the "D.F."-style taco, is it? David Pacheco said it was "Distrito Federal" but I still think it's "Dirty Frank", because my favorite "Jabberwocky" moment is when he talks about solving the problem of overpopulation by building the biggest hot dog machine in the world. Unfortunately, I think he just meant they should feed the people, not have puppets with poor hygiene shove them into a big grinder which feeds directly into the back of a taco stand next to Le Sex Shoppe. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the supermarket and buy some ground beef. I'm having tacos tonight. -- K. Do the taco shells use white corn or real corn? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo's taco stand Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 03:03:42 GMT [on a cheeseless taqueria] Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Lack of cheese is not at all uncommon in places like this where all the > business cards are in Spanish only and where the menu has any English at > all (and that is rare), they don't notice that beet is not the same as > beef. Plus, flan is the only dessert choice. Chili as a standard taco > ingredient was a little stranger. I think the combination has to be > Kibo influenced. Either he set them up or there is a kibologist in > their kitchen. But I'm not paranoid or anything. Kibo really is out to > get me. Just like all those gods trying to mess with the minds of the > poor human masses. My biggest concern is whether he is an Old Testament > Kibo who will start kicking the ass of everyone who does not assimilate > or if he is a New Testament Kibo content with messing with my mind and > trying to make me feel guilty for liking cheese. Can any of you who are > more experienced and/or scholarly in your kibology clarify this? It is true. Flan IS the only dessert choice. You have been enlightened. -- K. IT'S FLANTASTIC! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I want more Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 04:54:54 GMT In sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > A long time ago I got a letter from a person working for a publishing > company. They wanted to know if I had part of a book written about my > theories. I guess there are some people who like my theories. I like your theories, even though you've never told us what they are. I like you. You are just about the only person on the Internet I'd rather listen to than talk to. If you lived in the Boston area, I would go bowling with you, because you are probably fun to be around, even when you're bowling. Unless you prefer candlepin bowling to regular bowling. Candlepin bowling is for dorks. But I suspect that you are a good enough person that you hate candlepin bowling too. You are a kind and gentle person without a mean bone in your body and I would like to hang around with you. We could go bowling and play pinball and make snow bees and I could dare you to touch stuff I don't want to touch. > I do not think people working for a publishing company would like me to > break up words and spell words wrong. They have people who can fix that stuff for you. In any case, you spell better than most of the people who submit manuscripts, and editors understand that your ability to spell is not as important as your ability to say interesting stuff. The question is whether you would mind if the editors fixed stuff for you. You could try a test -- deliberately insert a few nonsense words and see what they get changed to. For instance, you could write "I like mkgsnwbz", wait six months for it to be published, then go to K-Mart and buy a copy to see whether the editor changed it to "I like snow bees" (which would be good, because everyone likes snow bees) or "I like Super Hitler", which would be very bad, in which case you should probably not do any more business with the editor who wants you to like Super Hitler. > I guess to an extreme they would get upset about the curses. > On the front of the book it would say some thing like if a person > pays money for this book and they look at it they and their family > will be cursed forever. All through the book there would be > things like if a person knows this they are cursed. But those of us who are already cursed would still be able to read it, right? Or can I get double cursed? Could I get double cursed by Super Curser? In any case, I think you've come up with a really clever gimmick for your book. Most books of magic and spells are fake but people don't discover that because it's a lot of work to find the eye of newt and toe of frog and toad of frug they'd need in order to test the spells. With your book, people could just open it up and it would say "NOW YOU'RE CURSED!" and everyone would say, "Wow! It really works! And fast!" > People working for a publishing company want to make money and they > would not be happy. So you'd prefer people to be happy and cursed to being not happy and not cursed? > I could have talked about curses. I could have had pictures of cute girls > who did not have bodies of animals between their teeth. When you say "girls", do you mean foxy ladies, or do you mean girl girls? I hope you mean sexy grown-up women, and not little kids. Maybe your book would sell better if you put a sticker on the front which says "CONTAINS NO CHILD PORN!" Unless it does. In which case, your book would be REALLY cursed. > Some times I write articles to claim copyright for some thing. I claim copyright on the concept of claiming copyright for some thing. Your turn! > When I told math girl there probably are not any numbers and math she hit > me. Beep! Beep! That's the sound of the Internet's back-up beeper, which is to remind you that you should (a) back up your computer in case your house falls into a sinkhole filled with the sort of acid that dissolves computers, and you should (b) please back up your narrative and tell us more about your relationship with Clobbery Math Girl. > I told her numbers and math could be fake things made up by people. > It is probably true I will not ever walk on a street and run into 1 - the > number 1. If I run into 1 I will ask 1 how many 1s are there. 1 will > probably say there is only 1. If I ask is there 2, > 1 will probably say there is not 2. How could 1 1 make 2. 2 would need to > be made up of parts. It is if you write the numbers with a stencil. ### #### #### #### #### #### ###### #### ##### ###### #### ###### #### ###### #### ###### #### ###### #### ###### ## ###### ###### ##### ###### ##### ###### You see, 1 is 1 piece, but 2 is 3. So 1 plus 1 do not make 2, they make 1.5. > I have driven math girl insane. I have come up with a bunch of reasons why > there probably are not any numbers and math. Numbers and math are probably > ideas that help people to understand how all parallel universes work. Now > math girl may think most ideas about numbers and math are wrong. As she > learns things about math I try to get her to think they are fake. Augh! Now I am insane too. AND cursed! Well, at least I'm still happy, unless you tell me I'm not getting paid to write this. What? I'm not? WAAH! I'M INSANE, CURSED, AND UNHAPPY! I'M INSANE, CURSED, UNHAPPY, AND MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS STUCK! > I have said - a girl can not be sexy if she has bodies of animls between > her teeth. I guess I can claim copyright for that. And now nobody can make a movie out of that without paying you five dollars. > I have said - a girl needs to be not flat all over to have a big area. > That is a copyright. "Wow! I can see her whole copyright!" > I think a small piece of a movie could include a bunch of physics students > trying to get famous by figuring out what is the best area - volume or > area - volume - height for a girl. And then Archimedes Plutonium will owe you five dollars. > A movie could be made about terror people who were going to blow up a > fission bomb - bombs in a desert. A lot of sand would go into the air and > cause an ice age. Can we change the end to a big beach party with a wacky flying sand fight? Our focus group shows that audiences like beach parties as much as they like nuclear explosions, so you should put both in your movie. The title could be "Beach Blast Bingo" and we could get Parker Brothers to sell "Beach Blast Bingo" brand bingo cards where instead of picking numbers out of a little revolving cage there would just be this little nuclear bomb that blew all the numbers across the room and if a "B", an "I", an "N", a "G", and an "O" hit you in the head, you'd win! Eric Roberts could be in it. And Julia Sweeney. And Lou Ferrigno and Dom DeLuise and Soleil Moon Frye and Clint Howard. Kurt, your movie's a winner! Except we're taking the nuclear explosion out for budget reasons. Production begins next week, directed by Albert Pyun or Bill Rebane, whichever picks up his answering machine messages first. > A movie could be made about terror people using fissions bombs to change > the currents of the ocean. There is a current called goc. If it had > certain changes an ice age could be created or the temperature of the earth > could increase where most people would die. It could be true extreme ice > ages have killed a lot of animals and people at 1 time. It could be true > extreme hot weather has killed a lot of animals and people at 1 time. You should make a whole movie about Goc. You could get Nickelodeon to sponsor it. It would have lots of kids dumping Nickelodeon brand Goc on their parents' heads. It would be all green and gooey. Except that it would start out green and gooey, but then in the next scene they kids would dump purple Goc on people, and then at the end... wait for this... they'd dump RAINBOW Goc on people! And the parents covered in ooey gooey Goc would all say "Eww! Goc gravy!" and there would be talking animals mashed up between their teeth and all the little animals would say "Goc gravy!" and then Lou Ferrigno would walk around in a diaper and there would be a buffalo shot of Clint Howard sitting around in his boxer shorts with his legs splayed. Okay, maybe that's a bad idea. Go back to the one about the kids playing nuclear bingo without the nuclear part. It's the BEST! -- K. True story: The moment I typed "Archimedes Plutonium" I realized my apartment smelled like natural gas. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I want more Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 21:23:01 GMT Brian 'Jarai' Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > > > > > If I ask is there 2, 1 will probably say there is not 2. > > > How could 1 1 make 2. 2 would need to be made up of parts. > > > > It is if you write the numbers with a stencil. > > [...] > > You see, 1 is 1 piece, but 2 is 3. > > I'd just like to point out that I played the number "7" in a highschool > one act play titled "The In Crowd" during my junior year in 1990. AUGH!!! BRIAN 'JARAI' CHASE ATE NINE!!! > The play was one of those "high-concept" and "low-content" pieces of > garbage that some playwright, one who probably failed his college > algebra-1 class, decided he would use to get back at the CURSED NUMBERS > by equating them with some sort of whiney social injustice. If it's truly "high concept" you should be able to summarize it in less than a sentence. You know, like how "Miami Vice" was sold with a prospectus consisting of an index card with "MTV cops" written on it (probably with a broken crayon, not even a whole crayon.) I assume "Baby Geniuses" was "Dancing baby from the Internet, The Movie" and "Dungeons & Dragons: The Movie" was "'Lord of the Rings' but cheap". So what sentence fragment was your play based on? "'The Sneeches' With Pretend Math"? I wonder who played 4, the death number? (In Asia, even numbers are generally considered luckier than odd numbers -- the opposite of the West -- except that in Japan 4 is the scary number because "four" sounds just like the word for "death".) > Me getting the part was really a rather impressive example of a lack of > communication. See, I'd started dating this girl, and she was picked as > the director for the this particular one act play. Being a supportive guy > and all--I figured I'd try out for her play--entirely intending to get a > bit part because I was NOT an actor. No... instead I got one of the lead > roles in the play. As it turned out, the director (i.e. gf) thought that > I'd have been disappointed or upset by not getting a significant part. A _buh-rilliant_ use of social engineering on your part! > THIS WAS, IN FACT, NOT THE CASE. Stop trying to social engineer me! I cannot hear your social engineerifying, lalalalalalalalalalalala. Look! My hands are over my ears now, forming an impenetrable barrier against capitalized words, because capitals are too big to go between fingers! Lalalalalalalala. I forget, does "Lalalalalalala" or "Doidy doidy doidy" work better to counteract social engineerification? I should do a controlled experiment the next time I see the same TV commercial twice. I'm sure that'll happen sooner or later. > I was far more mortified with getting the "good part" than I ever would > have been, if say, I'd gotten something with a short walk-on. Instead I > had to learn a bunch of lines, well sure it was a short play, but I really > had no interest at all in acting. I'd never acted in anything before, and > probably because of that experience, I've never acted in anything again. And with that experience, you'll have trouble getting good parts because your resume just says / / / THIS IS MY RESUME ACTING EXPERIENCE When I was 16, I was 7. THE END. > With the "Winter one act" plays, there were usually three or so short > plays that were all shown at one event. The school would rent out a small > stage at the local civic center. There the plays were hosted for maybe > two evenings. That particular year there were four plays in total. "The > In Crowd" being one of them. Our play, quite ironically given the title, > was filled with all the drama rejects. Yes, if you can actually imagine > the freakiest freaks, the most undesireable lot from HIGH-SCHOOL DRAMA > CLUB, they were in the play with me. Was there a kid who looked exactly like me? Did he play "Dungeons & Dragons"? Did he have a girlfriend? > I wasn't even in the drama club--I was the strange geek from the planet > Xandar who they had to invent "Brian's Special Computer Lab" for because > they ran out of AP science curriculum. Needless to say, we were the > red-headed stepchild of the Winter one acts. High concept: index card with "The Special Computer Lab" written on it. It would be like "The Special Show" only every once in a while the screen would flash words like "DELETE" or "LOG OUT" or "FORTRAN" that would swirl around. > There was so little faith in our misguided venture that they actually > pulled our play from the line-up of the other one acts. A zero-act play! When you were 16, you were 7, for 0! > We were not to be a part of the two showings at a stage in the nice > new civic center for all the proud parents. Sadly perhaps, well at > least for me, the show did go on. The play was instead banished to > some dark and musty corner of the highschool basement. This would be > our venue. Your school had a basement? Weird. Not as weird as the rotary-phone-dial-controlled closed-circuit television they had in my junior high school, though. > I'm pretty sure it was the room with a small stage where various > drama club events were rehearsed, but it's a very strange and dreamlike > memory now. Trying to do a mental walkthrough of the school now, > I can't remember exactly where the room was. It's not important though. Yes it is! We want to hear the entire play right now, Brian The 7 Of Xandar! > Besides I'm sure my mind has purged nearly all those memories as a > matter of pride-preservation. Yes, but I'M sure that if we hypnotize you, you will recall the entire play word for word, digit for digit. Okay, everyone out there in the peanut gallery and the home audience, please focus your hypno-rays on Brian The 7 Of Xandar: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Waah! It's not working! He must be countering our MMMMMMMMM with Lalalala! > What is important is that our play was shown during the day, to the > student body... to the whole student body. Given the relatively small > size of the room, they couldn't fit 1200 people in there all at once. So > instead there were maybe five or six groups we had to perform for, back to > back, with a short break for lunch. It was like some sort of twisted > vaudevillian social outcast punishment experiment. This was far worse > than the dream of showing up to school in your underwear, this was real. "And how the school got into your underwear, I'll never know!" "Why, you, I oughta..." "NI-A-GARA FALLS!" "SHAVE-AND-A-HAIR-CUT, TWO-BITS!" > For the nearly the whole day, say 9am-2pm, I had to perform a lead role in > this play that not only did I think was dumb, but that I also lacked the > skills to adequately execute. > > All in all, I have to say that it went better than expected. I'm sure the > acting was beyond terrible, but I mostly remembered my lines. I think > during the 4th performance I skipped a whole paragraph of my dialogue, > subsequently losing all my co-stars, but /I/ didn't falter because I > wasn't even aware of the mistake. At least I wasn't until after the play > when my girlfriend/director told me I had screwed up. Some would say that > I was cursed. I'd probably agree with them. And the sensitive drama about the inner turmoil suffered by a digit from another galaxy was RUINED! > My point here is that my character was the number "7", so I don't think > Kurt's example holds any merit in arguing against there being math in our > universe. Certainly at that time, at least when I was in character, Kurt > could have walked up to me and I would've have been the number "7". My > co-stars were "1" "3" and some other numbers, and I'm sure it'd be fairly > trivial inductive proof to show that all the number could equally have > been acted by other highschool students. I'm just jealous that you got to go to school with Patrick McGoohan. > > [...] > > > > Can we change the end to a big beach party with a wacky flying sand fight? > > [...] Eric Roberts could be in it. And Julia Sweeney. And Lou Ferrigno > > and Dom DeLuise and Soleil Moon Frye and Clint Howard. > > I would just like to point out that a short while ago I suggested to Kibo > that Dom DeLuise would make a better Frankenstein that Tom Cruise in the > remade Death Race 3000[sic] movie. Oddly, I hadn't yet seen this post, so > I don't know why I decided to mention Dom DeLuise. I think Kibo is > sending out mind control rays. > > This theory may be cursed. I think Dom DeLuise may be cursed. Remember, he was in Ezio Greggio's "Silence Of The Hams" (a movie where the best thing anyone can say about it is that Dom DeLuise acted circles around everyone else) AND he was in "Baby Geniuses", which contained that scene of him sticking his tongue out in extreme close-up for several minutes while asleep. So it was only natural that I would want him to go be in Kurt's movie in case I wanted to make a DeLuise-free movie at the same time. > What also is cursed is that I believe a video tape of our 1990 one act > production "The In Crowd" exists. It is more cursed that said video is > not in my possession, or at least it is not known to be destroyed. I also > seem to remember there being a clip from it in the 1990 video yearbook, > which I do have somewhere... as do several hundred other people. Want me to press it onto a DVD for you so it'll last forever? No, wait, I just remembered, you have access to millions of dollars worth of digital editing systems at work. You should load your tape onto those and make some DVDs. And then if it accidentally showed up in the middle of the "Spider-Man" movie it would be a win-win situation, because that means Dom DeLuise couldn't show up during that scene. Unless you went to school with Dom DeLuise. -- K. That would make you a fake Ezio Greggio, represented by you wearing a T-shirt that said "EASIO GREGGYO". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I want more Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 05:19:50 GMT Last week while I was on my way back from vacation, in sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Joe and Mark are wrong. > > Joe is a kibo person. Most of the time I do not talk to those people. > Most people will not talk to them. Joe needs to become a good person and > get away from that group of sick slime. > > Joe has put some information about me on his page. I guess there are about > 3 kibo people who have put information about me on their pages. Wait... who are these other two "Kibo people"? As far as I know I'm the Kibo person, not multiple people. Or are you just trying to refer to people who read alt.religion.kibology? If so, you shouldn't call them "Kibo people" because then by talking to you I'd become one of the "Kurt people" and then all the people who talk to me would be "Kurt people twice removed" and I don't think people should be removed because this is America and the Constitution says people can't be removed for free. (Poor Spot! He was removed! There was nothing in the Constitution about removing dogs. Stupid Constitution!) > Most of what I say about God is from the Bible. People can not insult me > about my physics theories. Some of my physics theories are on many physics > pages. Papers have been published about my theories. Some people who > wrote the papers claimed credit for my theory. I am not saying they tried > to steal my theories. It is extremely dishonest to try to make me look > bad. Kurt, you are a very sweet person and I would never do anything to hurt you, and I swear on a stack of your favorite edition of the Bible that I would never steal any of your physics theories, even if it ever turns out that you have any theories that do not consist of "I have theories." Maybe we can play a friendly game of "Twenty Questions". Kurt, do your theories contain any nouns other than "theories"? > I know there are a lot of people running around saying they have a good > theory. Most of the time their theory is not good. It is wrong to abuse > them. Yeah, you should only be allowed to abuse people with good theories. > I do not read articles of kibo people. I do not care a lot about what kibo > people say. 1 of the sick slime will send a copy of my article to their > group using the same title as my article. Sick slime will talk to sick > slime using the same title. It's called a "reply". Maybe if you're really good I'll tell you why the computer adds "Re:" to your subject line when people reply. > Google tends to connect articles using the same titles. Well, if Google connected only unrelated articles, that would be kind of silly. It's like if I were to reply to your article and just talk about pantyhose for amebas. There should be pantyhose for amebas. Control-top pantyhose could help support tired pseudopodia and remove unsightly vacuole bulges. They could be like L'Eggs except instead of coming inside plastic Easter eggs they could come inside cardboard volvox. I like saying "cardboard volvox". You could save the bottom panels from the cardboard volvox to get enough points to receive a diatom-encrusted necklace or, if you had a lot of points, a diatom-encrusted girdle. Diatoms have that name because they only contain two atoms. This is why they're smaller than anything made out of three atoms, like a water molecule or Mickey Mouse's head. There should be pantyhose for cartoon mice. In fact, I think the Teamsters threatened to strike over that. Please let me know what Google should connect my ameba pantyhose to. > If I ask a friend who is a physics person to look at 1 of my articles about > a physics theory they will probably see some articles written by kibo > people saying bad things about me. This is extremely dishonest. If kibo > people want to talk to kibo people about me it is their problem. Let them > rot. They will rot in hell like they are rotting now. I do not want their > articles to spread to people who are looking for physics information. I > think it would help a little if the sick slime would use titles that are > different from my titles and any thing about physics is erased. Here I have to respectfully disagree with you. If I ever find the physics in any of your articles, I'm going to draw a big picture of a magnifying glass around it to make sure everyone else can find it. I promise to draw you a nice magnifying glass when you post something with physics in it, unless my pencil first becomes dull from years of disuse. > If any person does not know what I am talking about they can use google. > Search using my name. Sort by date. Look at articles of the sick little > slimes. I do not want any person to tell me what they say. I don't know what you're talking about, even though I use Google, Crest, Prell, a Mac, two TiVos, the Green Line, Amazon.com, and the ball-washer at the bowling alley. > Luke is a kibo person. I guess Greg Neill is a kibo person. Gee, Kurt, you talk about me a lot. I guess you are a Kibo person. Where should I send your certificate of membership? > I am not trying to insult Joe. I would like Joe to stop talking about me > and erase information about me on his page. May be Joe needs to go to a > catholic church and pray to God. He said he was a catholic. I do not know > if he still is. > > Joe knows I did not say only Moses had the ark. David had the ark. I > think Solomon had the ark. I think the kid of Solomon who was a king had > the ark. > > I am saying that may be these days people are not suppose to have the ark. > The ark could curse them. > > Mark is wrong about the ark. If any person touched the ark they would be > killed. Mark was talking about that. There was a curse associated with > the ark for some people. Some enemies of the group associated with Moses > got the ark. The ark was cursed for them. May be some people who know > about this can talk about it. I think the enemies gave the ark back > because of the curse. > > Some people say the ark was a capacitor. I thought Dave Lawrence said it was Fred. -- K. I have a physics theory: Hamentashen are triangular because of physics. See? There's a noun in that theory other than "theory". And it has yummy apricot filling. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Alternative poker hands Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 05:55:02 GMT Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > I propose these new poker hands: > > 2-4-6-8-10 Even straight > A-3-5-7-9 Odd Straight > A-2-3-5-7 Prime Straight > > I could have made a killing at the Hoyle Casino tonite if these > were legal hands, but you just can't argue with some people. Since when is an ace prime? What's wrong with 2-3-5-7-9 as an odd straight? And why have you decided that ace is the low card despite it coming after K in normal poker straights? Did you learn poker by reading the Yahtzee instructions? I still want to know why nobody ever uses my "one of each" hand -- you have to have a heart, a club, a spade, a diamond, and a swirly whale. And the card that says "RULES FOR DRAW POKER" is DOUBLE wild, which means it can substitute for ALL the other cards in your hand. Like, if you get 3-4-7-J-RULES, that's a Royal Flush. And if you get two "RULES" cards, that's ULTRA wild, which allows the pair of cards to substitute for every card you have ever, or will ever, want throughout the Universe until the end of time, and even then it doesn't stop, because it's just that wild. And don't get me started on the rules for pachinko. -- K. Or strip pachinko. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Alternative poker hands Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 22:07:44 GMT Shiro Akaishi (akaishi@skizzzzers.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And don't get me started on the rules for pachinko. > > > > -- K. > > > > Or strip pachinko. > > Not as disturbing as it sounds, when done virtually. > > MAME supports this. That's precisely what I meant. "Pachinko Sexy Reaction", a Japanese arcade game of recent vintage, playable via MAME 0.57 or later. It's a PACHINKO game. That's dorky! It's a VIDEO pachinko game. That's dorkier! It's a STRIP video pachinko game. That's dorkiest! It's a CARTOON strip video pachinko game. That's ur-dorky! It's a cartoon strip video pachinko game featuring underage girls in their school uniforms. That's JAPANESE! Watching sexy ladies strip while playing pachinko might be kind of fun, if neither was imaginary and you didn't have to ever look at the pachinko machine while the women were twirling around naked. But a video game featuring fake pachinko with fake stripping... of cartoon characters... who may or may not be imaginary child pornography... that's just wrong on even more levels than those tomato-soup-flavored hard candies they sell in Japan. They get the pachinko physics right, in that no matter how hard you pull on the lever to release the ball (rotate the lever with the "M" and "M" keys, shoot a ball with "Alt") it bounces around randomly. I almost had one stuck once, but then a little Bobu Barkeru came in with his Plinko stick and knocked the ball loose, then he exposed himself, but it wasn't gross because he was just a cartoon. Okay, I made up the part about naked Japanese Bob Barker. But "Pachinko Sexy Reaction" is one of a long tradition of strip video games from Japan. Usually you have to play Tetris or pinball or something in order to gradually reveal low-quality pornography ("Gals Panic" is the earliest one I can think of) but in this case it's pachinko, which is inherently random. And just to emphasize how completely random and therefore un-game-like this is, there's a slot machine in the middle of the pachinko board. There are different slot machines on different levels. You have to beat five or six girls (I forget, it's been a couple days since I played it all the way through) three times each. Before each level, they show you this creepy faceless mannequin modelling the outfit the girl will put on and then take off for you. After you beat the level three times (which is accomplished by putting in lots of yen, because it's entirely dependent on luck) there's a shot of the girl punching "you" or otherwise getting some sort of revenge, which usually leads to "you" having a giant blue teardrop hovering motionlessly in front of the left side of your forehead. ("You" are a guy with long tan hair in a Farrah 'do.) After you have seen all five or six girls strip three times, they take you hostage, and then the game ends. The other weird Japanese game they added support for in MAME 0.57 is Gourmet Battle Quiz Ryorioh CooKing. There are many Japanese arcade games which serve up multiple-choice trivia questions, but this one (from late 1998) is clearly a knockoff of the TV show "Iron Chef". You play a chef who has to answer questions about Japanese cuisine. (The four chefs you can play as are a middle-aged authoritative-looking guy, a younger guy with karate skills, a super-poncy guy dressed like the Japanese Scarlet Pimpernel in a blond glam wig, and a kid in a football jersey listening to Japanese rap music on his Walkman.) After answering questions (in Japanese, of course) for about two hours, you have defeated all twelve enemy chefs, including a pirate and a guy covered in silver body paint. (His name is "XYZ", and I gather he comes from a planet where they're really good at cooking Japanese food. He cooks food with laser beams from his eyes in two different directions. I think he may have once lost a cook-off to Bill Mumy and Dr. Smith, but they cheated by getting help from the Robot so that doesn't count.) So, Shiro, I'm glad you asked. -- K. How come they never did a strip Pac-Man? (Other than the third intermission.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Alternative poker hands Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 21:42:29 GMT Xcott Craver (Caj@Spamela.BrainHz.com) wrote: > > Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > 1,1,2,3,5 - Fibonacci straight. > > > > A-K-3-DOIDY-BEABLE - Kibo straight. > > A,5,8,Q,K -- closed straight under multiplication (mod 13) > > 3,A,3,3,7 - HAx0R WAR3Z DUD3Z straight > > 5,A,J,A,K -- straight! of! fortune! Tom Kraemer, now look what you did. You invented a whole new genre of humor that Comedy Central will now ruin when "Poker? I Didn't Even Know Her!" premieres next week. It'll star several guys drinking beer in their undershirts in a Las Vegas casino, with fabulous cash prizes to the contestant who is dealt the funniest poker hand. Also, Rose Marie, don't forget the Lucas straight: 1,1,3,2037,2600 YAY! OBSCURANTISM IN POKER!!! -- K. What IS obscurantism, anyway? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Checking It Out Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 06:13:27 GMT Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > I went to King Soopers last night to buy a few groceries for Mez and I. As > I got to the registers, it seemed all of them were closed, except for the > dreaded do-it-your-own-damn-self stations. There are four of these stations > which surround a central "helpdesk" manned by one person. [...] > > So I wait several minutes in a very short line to use one of these wacky > improvements to society that ensure that I don't have to make contact with > anyone in the store if I don't want to (unless problems arise). First off, > it asks for my King Soopers discount card, which doesn't scan, so helpdesk > lady has to get it read a different way. Then I start scanning and bagging > groceries. There are three separate scales per station where you are > supposed to bag groceries to make sure you aren't throwing anything extra > in. We've had this sort of thing at various supermarkets (and K-Marts!) in the Boston area for a few years, but there seem to be many different technologies. The first ones I saw (at the Allston Star market that has both an "12 items or less" lane and a "12 items or fewer" lane) had a single scale and you had to actually pay your money to a human being. The South Bay Stop & Shop has brand-new automatic checkout lanes which have no human supervision of any sort -- you put money into the machine, and as an anti-swindle device, your items go down this conveyor belt one at a time through a pair of arches covered with photocells that measure the height and width of each item. These stations are as big as concentional checkout lanes because of that, and quite slow because it has to size up each item. I keep wondering if people dump out boxes of generic corn flakes and fill them with better stuff. Also, how do they deal with transparent items? What if I wanted to buy a bottle of Future Wax for my Jetsons-style kitchen? -- K. At Kibo's Imaginary Supermarket, you can pay a flat fee of $200 to fill up an entire grocery bag at our Grocery Bar. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Alphabet Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 22:47:50 GMT David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Martin Round (mround@blueyonder.spamfree.co.uk) wrote: > > > > Why is the alphabet in such an illogical order? > > Because that's the way the objects were lined up when the first scribe copied > it down. Might as well ask "Why is a typewriter keyboard in such an illogical > order?"... Then why isn't the alphabet in either of those orders in the side of a California Job Case where the capitals go? A B C D E F G H I K L M N O P Q R S T V W X Y Z J U Were they unaware of the existence of J and U in the early days of California? The lowercase side of the case has a more logical arrangement, but I cannot reproduce it here because it's a two-dimensional alphabet. It's set up so that the letters can network with all their friends, and "e" and "t" get to swim in the biggest pools, with three-em quads being in the center of the alphabet's social activity (but the physical center of the alphabet was near the northern border of "h".) > > Who decided it would be like this? I never voted for it! > > Were you alive at the appropriate time you probably wouldn't have been > -allowed- to. Is this where I get to complain about the antiques store down the street which has a sign saying "Antigues" and I don't think they should have lettered it that way even though it an the authentic five-hundred-year-old way to draw a lowercase "q" with a tail going to the left because the sign would be clearer if they said TO HELL WITH THE ANTIQUE LETTERING? -- K. In old California, they couldn't tell the difference between a jujubee and a bee. Ouch! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Alphabet Date: Tue, 12 Mar 2002 06:35:56 GMT Henry Churchyard (churchh@crossmyt.com) wrote: > > Martin Round (mround@blueyonder.spamfree.co.uk) wrote: > > > > Why is the alphabet in such an illogical order? Why not put all the > > vowels first, and maybe have letters with similar sounds like B and > > P grouped together? Who decided it would be like this? > > Vowels couldn't be grouped together, because the earliest alphabet > didn't have any vowels. The reasons for this earliest alphabetic > ordering are somewhat obscure, but it's presumably Canaanites of the > mid-second millennium B.C. (who were inpired by the example of the > Egyptian hieroglyphic writing system to create the first alphabet) who > were responsible. In some subsequent alphabets (such as Arabic and > Arabian alphabets, Indic and Indic-descended alphabets, Ogham, Runic, > etc.), the original 2nd. millennium B.C. alphabetic ordering has been > radically changed, but in the Phoenician-Greek-Latin/Cyrillic lines of > development, there has been only minor incremental tinkering with the > original and earliest ordering. Please be specific, Henry. WHO put the alphabet in such a crazy order? We want to know his first and last name, and shoe size in cubits. It was Aaron somebody, wasn't it? Also, your theory fails to explain why "J" and "U" are at the end of the alphabet in California. Was California settled by the lost 14th tribe of Kobol? Or did "J" and "U" just get hidden at the end of the alphabet so that it would be harder for people to say "JUHOVUH"? Does this have something to do with rotary phones? And why does Scrabble have four "U"s but only one "Q" to go with them? -- K. It was originally called "Scrapple" before they thought to make the tiles from blocks of vegetable matter. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Alphabet Date: Tue, 12 Mar 2002 04:07:40 GMT [reposted to fix a horrible mistake which would have ruined your enjoyment] Martin Round (mround@blueyonder.spamfree.co.uk) wrote: > > Why is the alphabet in such an illogical order? > > Why not put all the vowels first, and maybe > have letters with similar sounds like B and P > grouped together? > > Who decided it would be like this? I never voted > for it! > > Lets hear it for alphabet reform - it will help > revitalise the dictionary industry. Oh no! I am having flashbacks to having to memorize the Kenyon Vowel Chart in college! Peter, I'll take the schwa to block. Nancy, hand the man the dandy candy! Avoid emotional sprees, whether of the fan club or hate mail variety! Always eat at Zero Marlborough! Los Angeles and Holland are concealed in a dumpster behind Building "P", the basis for "Cheers"! But instead of pairing the unvoiced and voiced consonants like B and P, why not put all the unvoiced ones together? So instead of BP DT GK FV SZ you'd have BDGFS PTKVZ but in either case you'd run into trouble because people from the civilized world are unable to make the voiced version of L. Only Welsh people can say that (they spell it "LL".) You put your tongue in the same position as "L" and then clear your throat while humming, or something. I tried it once and had to spend a week in the hospital. Don't get me started on how everyone who writes a book about typeface design is required to devote a chapter to his new wacko proposal about making the alphabet phonetic. Type designers for at least 200 years have all come up with their own nutty schemes to reform the alphabet, usually through adding "On Beyond Zebra"-like letters to make it more phonetic, although some have done other bizarre things, such as Ed Rondthaler's scheme to have typesetting machines automatically change all text to slightly more phonetic spellings every year (as was satirized in advance in "Meihem En Ce Klasrum", or Herbert Bayer's idea to eliminate capitals and make everything really round, or that guy long ago who printed a book with small-capital "G", "J", "P", "Q", and "Y" in place of the five lowercase letters that are supposed to have descenders (he thought this would aid legibility, when it has precisely the opposite effect.) And then there's the King's Font. Only the king was allowed to have a lowercase "L" with more serifs than a capital "I". -- K. And let's not forget when the Commies banned several letters from Russian. THE RUSSIAN LANGUAGE HAS NO WORD FOR "XXX"! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: If Kibo Was A Cone Date: Tue, 12 Mar 2002 00:46:27 GMT Lots42 (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > He'd be six feet tall, have wheels and the abillity to kill people. So... you're saying I just need to get wheels? How many? -- K. I still want the Buggy-Rollin' suit. Or as they say in France: -> "KAMIKASE : stop thinking before try it." I will try to get a bright orange one if possible. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: My brush with the Olympics. Date: Wed, 13 Mar 2002 00:08:07 GMT [I wrote this two weeks ago while travelling.] I was waiting in a long line at SeaTac airport (the closest airport to the Burien, Washington Burger Baron that doesn't have the really scary Burger Baron logo that the real ones in Alberta have) to go through the security screening. The long line was waiting to have tickets looked at by a ticket-looker-atter woman -- their first line of defense between us passengers and the actual security screening. Another woman with a badge came along and told us, very loudly, that we shouldn't be in one long line because there were four X-ray machines and we should be in four lines and three-quarters of us should move to the left in the wide area between the barricade ropes. Then, when we got to the ticker-looker-atter, well, there was only one of her, and the barricade ropes got real narrow, and it was a big mess because instead of the orderly queue the passengers had formed up into it was now a loosely-aggregated wad of people who were all grumbling about losing their places in line. So in this case, all the passengers, when allowed to follow their instincts, had tried to do the intelligent thing, and one of the security people proved to be dumber than all the passengers COMBINED. ARGH. On the plus side, I made it through the security checkpoint without having to open any of my bags, get patted down, get wanded, get grilled about why I'm sweating after carrying my stuff through this long line, why I have a passport even though I'm not leaving the country, etc. (The passport incident was at LaGuardia. I explained that the reason I was flying from New York City to Boston was that I don't drive, hence no driver's license, and that I figured it would save time if I showed people an official Federally-issued ID card. I mean, a passport is what they should WANT to see, right? No, everyone else leaves their passport at home unless they cross a border, so carrying the little blue cardboard booklet made me look like a foreigner, and we all know that foreigners are the most dangerous people on Earth! On the plus side, the airline surprised me by just now informing me that my flight from SeaTac to Logan will have a FREE! FREE! FREE! stopover in Salt Lake City. You know, where the Olympics were. The winter ones that ended, oh, about a day ago. So I will get to watch out the little oval window as fifty-eight zillion people are screaming at the airport representatives that all flights out of Salt Lake are massively overbooked until about the next time Canada wins the hockey gold. However, Federal anti-terrorism precautions require us to stay seated during the last half-hour of the flight to Salt Lake City, because I guess they don't want the closing ceremonies spoiled by wads of green ice falling from airplane toilets that leak and go back in time. Actually, the real reason is that they probably don't want terrorists to hijack the planes and crash them into the Olympic torch to set fire to it, so they try to make the terrorists hijack the plane at least 31 minutes before landing to get enough time to shoot it down. Of course, this assumes that terrorists who are willing to die in a flaming fireball of molten metal would stay in their seats just because a stewardess asked them to. The whole first-class section is taken up by some tennis team (I think they had to clear all the non-winter sports people out of Salt Lake so the doubles luge and biathlon wouldn't be contaminated by any real sports) and they all have shoulder bags that look like giant drumsticks and they have to have their bags inspected again, because security people know that tennis players are dangerous spies, just like Bill Cosby. Or it could be that they're just worried these people will harass the other passengers with their constant shouts of "EAT MORE JELL-O PUDDING!" Also, I'm watching a truck driving around with sideways orange cones bolted to its flank, apparently hailing from one of those dimensions where gravity goes sideways (except for orange cones, which require bolts.) I think the purpose is that if I start walking up the side of the truck on my way to the Escher Terminal, they don't want me scuffing up the Gate Gourmet logo. But aside from those important matters, this actually turns out to be a good airport to play "Can I see all three different Delta logos at the same time?" because almost nothing here has the current logo. SeaTac has a healthy mix of the ancient logo with the wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide letttttttttttttters and the transitional logo with the pointy chevron and the roman letters, with the current logo (curvy melted chevron) hidden well enough that it's worth fifty bonus points. The old logo is in block capitals so wide that the "A" had to be ultra-blunt on top, therefore it looks like it says "DELTH", which I think is the name of the airline that went to the Death Star. Of course, after the Death Star got blown up, they started asking people why they were carrying passports if they weren't leaving their home constellation. I forget, which constellation is Earth in? (At least Delth Spaceways would be the one airline that wouldn't have Starbucks in its terminal.) Okay, now I've completed the part of the trip from SeaTac to Salt Lake. The area around the Salt Lake City airport seems to consist of lumpy green pools of caustic goo, with some really nice mountains on the far side of the alkali death pits. And, because of the Olympics, half the people in the airport appear to be from overseas, so only fifty percent of the people there look like Dave Foley at the moment. I checked a few gift shops and they only had several carloads of forty-four-dollar Olympics brand windbreakers, nothing interesting like that special Mormon underwear with the little Masonic goniometer stickers where the nipples are supposed to be. However, the airport had Krispy Kreme doughnuts! I bought a sampler kit of four differently-textured doughnuts, and was floored by how geometrically perfect they were (the Masons could learn a lot from these.) The three that were meant to be round were perfect circles, with no flat spots, dents, lumps, fingerprints, or any other evidence they may have been handled by either humans or machines. They're grown right in the box! (The fourth doughnut was meant to be bumpy, but it still looked like a perfect circle with a perfectly irregular assortment of lumps of the proper sizes in the proper distribution to make it the most perfectly random texture possible.) The glazed doughnuts looked like they had been dipped in six or seven layers of glass, or possibly molten diamond, due to their unbelievable glossiness. God bless Phong for inventing this mirror-lake doughnut glaze! Krispy Kremes are so smooth and shiny they look as if they could pop at any moment, like Balki's bibibovkas. Krispy Kremes are better than Dunkin' Donuts because they're (a) not greasy, (b) not stale, (c) not crushed by fumblefingered employees, and (d) they taste exactly like Twinkies, especially the ones with the frothed lard filling. If you're not into yummy sweet cakes, you wouldn't like Krispy Kremes, especially the ones with the goop inside. I didn't leave the Salt Lake airport, as the layover was only about an hour long and the airport was obviously waaaaaaay crowded right after the Olympics so I didn't want to go through security again (whereas I'm usually excited about the chance of writing up a new story about being frisked) so I just looked out the windows and bought doughnuts and found an unguarded electrical outlet to use to recharge my computer. (Most airports have no publicly-accessible outlets, I guess they don't want terrorists plugging in hair dryers to make the runway lights get dimmer.) The flight from Salt Lake to Boston was uneventful. Then I watched nice, safe, Olympic-free TV for two weeks and posted this. The End! -- K, SeaTac has neat signs that say KEEP OFF RED LINE just because they hate the Los Angeles, Boston, and Washington D.C. subways.