Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Fried Rice With Water Sauce (was: Re: Shindogu alert...) Date: Mon, 25 Mar 2002 06:27:18 GMT James Vandenberg (james@vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Remind me to tell you about a Chinese invention I saw at the Super 88 -- > > instant fried rice that you fry by pouring warm water on it. > > > > [...days pass...] > > > > Nobody's reminded me, so I won't. > > I'd like to point out that I was JUST ABOUT to remind you. Hooray! Thank you. That counts, and I accept your apology, and now I can tell you all about the soggy rice without violating any of the laws about describing dampness without proper provocation. > Now I'll never know about how to fry rice in lukewarm water. It's quite simple: You dump lukewarm water on it and wait fifty minutes while running in circles yelling "YAY! MY RICE IS FRYING EXTREMELY SLOWLY!" As the instructions said: [this is one cell of an unreasonably complicated flowchart] PROPOSAL WAITING TIME Water Tem. Time 90-100 C 9-10 min 70-90 C 10-25 min 50-70 C 25-35 min <50 C 35-50 min ...but note that those are Moonbase Alpha minutes, not Earth minutes, because this isn't normal rice, it's "Alpha rice" (it's actually "a-rice" with a lowercase alpha which I can't type here because the Internet doesn't support Greek) and, as the instructions say, "if the water is not boiling, need longer minutes properly." So, I guess I have to dump the rice into the "Doctor Who" pinball machine's Time Expander to cook it. Apparently China has trouble with their hot water, and possibly even their room-temperature water -- I once bought a bag of dried rice balls which required them to be soaked in water for an hour in summer or two hours in winter. I'd think that if you were in an unheated house in winter, convenience foods wouldn't be your first desire. Back to the wet-look "fried" rice. This is Amme brand "INSTANT FRIEDRICE", which comes in three flavors: Crab, Assorted Pickled Pepper, and Assorted Mushroom. As I mentioned last night, I like assorted mushrooms almost as much as I like regular mushrooms, and I always like spicy food, so I tried the two flavors that didn't have scary dried crab. (Leah Verre once mailed me a packet of dried crabs -- which still had their shells on underneath the candy coating and sprinkles -- and as a result I am unwilling to ever consider eating anything else which might contain mummified crabs.) When you buy instant ramen noodles in the U.S., they typically come with a tiny packet of colored salt that's supposed to make flavored broth. When you buy dried noodles or other just-add-water meals from Asia, they usually include multiple packets of all sorts of things of varying textures, as well as a tiny fork. Each of these fried rice bowls included a packet of dried vegetables, a packet of unidentified white powder (probably garlic salt, not anthrax), a packet of oil, a packet of brown goo, and a packet of wet vegetables. (The wet vegetables are apparently intended to be eaten separately as an appetizer. They were pickled unidentified brown things in the case of the mushroom rice, pickled unidentified cabbage-colored things in the case of the hot pepper rice.) Now, I don't know about you, but it seems like stretching the truth to call anything involving "just add water" to be "fried". The rice is a precooked Minute Rice-like substance, which turned into very damp boiled rice, so the texture wasn't quite the same as fried rice. Someone left my rice out in the rain... Calling this stuff "INSTANT FRIEDRICE" is also pushing the definition of "instant", given that I could have actually fried some rice in less than 50 minutes. (About five or six minutes in the microwave worked for this, which is a lot longer than it takes to make the frozen Ajinomoto fried rice from Japan which is precooked and can be nuked right in its plastic bag with the silver lining.) I got halfway through the bowl of "Assorted Mushroom" fried rice (which contained almost no mushrooms), and it was quite flavorful and spicy, but I couldn't finish it because... TOO! MUCH! GARLIC! In addition to the packet of white garlic dust, the dried vegetable packet contained a lot of slices of garlic, and the end result was rice that had more garlic than a year's worth of Crazy Bread made by an actual crazy person. The hot pepper fried rice was even spicier, it was wonderfully spicy and not as garlicky, so I liked it better. I like garlic, but there is such a thing as too much garlic, while there is no such thing as too much hot pepper. The mushroom one had dried peas in the vegetables, while the hot pepper one had corn. ...of course, none of this information is present in the ingredients list. I think in China they don't really care what they eat. The mushroom flavor's extremely elliptical list of ingredients: Ingredients: alpha-rice, Dehydrated vegetables, Vegetable oil, Salt, Cockspur I believe "cockspur" is just another name for cayenne pepper. I guess they looked up the list of synonyms and chose the one that sounded the funniest. Oh, those Communists with their wacky thesauri. Anyway, it's nice to see that snacks are getting exported from Red China to the United States now so that at long last we can find out if all the propaganda about the quality of life under Communism turned out to be true. These rice bowls actually turned out not to suck as badly as you'd expect Commie snacks to suck. (Most food exported from Red China is just an unlabelled cellophane bag of dried tree bark or a glass jar of tofu cubes in oil or something else that can't even afford to put fake Disney characters on the package like the Taiwanese items.) At least the Chinese snacks are cheap. This rice is actually the slickest packaging I've seen from China so far, it has a full-color picture on the wrapper and a logo and a "recycle" symbol and American-style nutritional information and so forth. Even a little bandaged hand with a plus sign on it captioned "Hot Warning when boiling water added" because apparently they've discovered laywers. And this fried rice must be good, there is "uality Guaranteed" by the China Guizhou Nutrition Committee overseeing the fried-rice factory in the National High Technology Industrial Developing Zone of Guiyang! I'm glad I don't live in any sort of zone. In addition, the fine print says this fried rice is approved by ISO 9002. I think that means each serving contains several layers of middle managers. -- K. The question is, if American shopping malls contain dives with names like "Wok-In" and "Orientaste", what lame puns do they attach to bad impressions of American cuisine in Red Chinese shopping malls? I BET THE COMMIES HAVE LOUSY SHOPPING MALLS! PROBABLY SOME OF THEM DON'T EVEN HAVE DISNEY STORES! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Soylent green is... Date: Mon, 25 Mar 2002 06:40:48 GMT pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [a little information about mushrooms] > > [much more information about mushrooms] You've tried more kinds of mushrooms than I have, and now I will never be able to beat you for Fungus King at this year's Fungus Fun Fest, feh! > > * Lobster mushrooms. "Note: These are actually white mushrooms that > > have been coated by a red fungus." Wow! A fungus that eats > > mushrooms! It might even eat lobsters! > > The lobster mushroom grows with it's own shape. > The mushroom that the lobster grows on, is decomposed before > the lobster grows. If I waited long enough, eventually every possible kind of mushroom would grow on top of this one I'm saving, and then I'd be able to try every mushroom in one bite. It's like waiting for all those monkeys to write Shakespeare. Every time I try that, it takes a while, and sometimes they accidentally take apart their typewriters and turn them into cloning machines which revive Shakespeare, but given that the Universe has a lot of years to left I should be able to grow a pretty nice stack of a purple mushroom growing on a green mushroom growing on an orange mushroom and so on before the Big Crunch (or, if my mushrooms take over, the Big Mildew.) Also, if the Universe turns out to last forever, during that infinite time I'll HAVE to get visited by the Great Gazoo from "The Flintstones". Hey, it's infinite, so everything HAS to happen. If you see William Shatner making out with Shirley Temple in an Oscar-winning musical, you'll know the Universe will last forever. In fact, that movie would probably make the Universe seem to last even longer. > > * Morels. The grossest-looking kind of mushroom not to be called > > "fungus" instead of "mushroom". > > A friend of mine has a yellow one come up near his gas meter every year. > They taste real good. I wouldn't be scared of eating weird-looking mushrooms (assuming they're identified as edible ones.) But I would be scared to eat anything growing off a gas meter. Anything that feeds on mercaptan would probably taste like a durian, although probably not as strong. -- K. You didn't mention if you've tried corn smut. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Soylent green is... Date: Tue, 26 Mar 2002 01:41:29 GMT "pete" (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I wouldn't be scared of eating weird-looking mushrooms (assuming > > they're identified as edible ones.) But I would be scared to eat > > anything growing off a gas meter. > > I've seen an oyster mushroom growing on a board, > outside a gas station. I didn't pick it. I swear on a stack of mushroom-encrusted Bibles that the first time my eyes beheld that paragraph, my brain received "an oyster mushroom growing on a beard," and I thought of a cross between Rasputin and Joe Don Baker. > > You didn't mention if you've tried corn smut. > > I haven't tried corn smut. I had the opportunity once, but > I didn't know too much about corn smut at the time. What would I need to know should I ever see some corn smut at the supermarket? Other than "don't touch"? -- K. What other deadly poisons are considered delicacies in Mexico? I bet one of them's Pica Limon "candy". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Soylent green is... Date: Mon, 25 Mar 2002 09:11:35 GMT (On various things I said about semi-edible fungi) "Kev In, Boyz Out" (kboyce@toad.net) wrote: > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > You have eaten corn smut. That's what Quorn is. Smut! > > I hear the kids today are combining heroin, cocaine, and mushrooms: > > Jimi Crack Quorn. > > You read it here first. I think nature's most perfect food would be one which no puns could be made about, and didn't rhyme with anything (it wouldn't even rhyme with "orange") so that people couldn't rap about it. Oh, and to keep the special people on alt.sci.physics.new-theories from talking about it, it would be impossible to make any clang associations either. A "clang association" is any word that schizophrenic people think is related to some other word in a special way that normal people don't get. It's any pair of words which have related sounds but aren't rhymes, puns, alliteration, assonance, neologisms, palindromes, or any other sort of wordplay that has a name. Clang associations are all the stuff that doesn't fit into any category because it's only wordplay if your brain is broken. Remember, puns are for sane people. But use one clang, and you'll go to the Home For People Who Make Clang Associations. Or worse, the Association For People Who Make Clang Associations. Some examples of clangs from various Web pages: -> "I took Zyprexa, anti-trexa, anti-transvestite." => my ex-husband once carried on for some time about vacancies, => vagrancies and bacon seeds -> Be aware if your loved one starts making "clang" associations -- -> such as going on about microphones, xylophones and bites o' cones. => Oh you can have all the keys you want, they broke into the store and found => peas, what's the use of keys, policeman, watchman, dogs, dog show, the => spaniel was the best dog this year, he is Spanish you know, Morrow castle => what a big key they have Sampson, Schley, he drowned them all in the bay, => gay, New York bay, Boradway, the White Way, ... (Bleuler, 1936) I've often said that if Shakespeare had a head injury and became Special Shakespeare, instead of iambic pentameter he'd write entirely in clangs. Unfortunately he didn't think of that and so Bleuler got to hog all the clangs for his 1936 book. -- K. I was going to end this with a long chain of clangs I just made up, but they scared me so I left them out. The operative word was "BooBerry". Everything is two hops away from BooBerry. If anyone wants to write a Special Shakespeare sonnet, be my guest. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Soylent green is... Date: Mon, 25 Mar 2002 06:55:39 GMT Daniel B. Wheeler (dwheeler@ipns.com) wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Truffles. A dark brown underground fungal wad that only pigs > > > can find. These are the most expensive fungi even though they're > > > not real mushrooms. > > > > Only because it requires the cooperation of either pigs, or small > > yappy dogs, to find them, and there's some 'wastage' in the process. > > Uh, wrong. Over 60 species of animals are known to eat truffles when > they can. Very few of these are pigs or dogs. Most are squirrels, > mice, voles, chipmunks, and other small animals. > > As for truffles being "not real mushrooms", that depends on your > definition of mushrooms, doesn't it? Some truffles have stem-like > structures found on the inside (called columella). The definition of > most mushrooms includes stems. > > It is not clear whether truffles evolved from mushrooms, or > vice-versa. However, truffles _are_ closely related to other > ascomycetes such as morels, which most people who have eaten them know > _are_ mushrooms (even if they don't have gills). > > Daniel B. Wheeler > www.oregonwhitetruffles.com Do you mail out free sample packages in exchange for product placements on truffle-oriented newsgroups such as alt.religion.kibology? I've never had truffles, but I'm sure I'd love them if they were free. I SWEAR ON A STACK OF BIBLES THAT WWW.OREGONWHITETRUFFLES.COM IS THE BEST WEB SITE I'VE EVER SEEN FOR MAIL-ORDERING FUNGI WHICH ARE DEFINITELY REAL MUSHROOMS AND ALSO CHIPMUNKS ARE NOT PIGS OR MUSHROOMS. -- K. Also, I have a suggestion for a great motto for www.OregonWhiteTruffles.com: "Truffles have tridges!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Soylent green is... Date: Tue, 26 Mar 2002 07:53:08 GMT Daniel B. Wheeler (dwheeler@ipns.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Do you mail out free sample packages in exchange for product placements > > on truffle-oriented newsgroups such as alt.religion.kibology? > > I've never had truffles, but I'm sure I'd love them if they were free. > > Uh, you might check in your back yard. Truffles have been reported > from most of the states in the US, from WA to FL and from CA to ME. AK > has 'em. But none known from HI. > > Daniel B. Wheeler > www.oregonwhitetruffles.com My back yard is seven stories above a barbed-wire parking lot surrounded by medical waste incinerators, a Thai bootleg video store, and a large crater that used to be the hill that this neighborhood is named after. I don't think there are any truffles growing here seventy feet above the rusty barbed wire and burning sharps bags, but I can check whether any have started climbing up the side of the building next time I have an out-of-body experience. I'll add it to my out-of-body to-do list. So, when do I get my free box of Oregon White Truffles from your wonderful Web site, www.OregonWhiteTruffles.com, which is the most fun I've EVER had reading about white truffles on the Internet? It's educational and informative and interesting and fun and best of all I hear they send out boxes of free truffles to anyone who thinks they might like the truffles as much as they like the Web site! -- K. Once again, that's www.OregonWhiteTruffles.com the best place for cyber-truffling. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Frozen Children's Nuggets Of Fun (May Be Chicken) Date: Mon, 25 Mar 2002 07:18:08 GMT (regarding TV dinners for children) "phy" (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > When I was about 7, I begged for one of these things for my *special* > birthday dinner. The commercial made it look like so much fun. Meanwhile, > the rest of my family got food that was actually good and the > disappointment scarred me for life. Yes, I was a sensitive child. I wonder > if Swanson will pay my therapy bill? Only if it's small, greasy, and made from other therapy bills ground up and then pressed into a carefully-designed asymmetrical shape. I'm still sore over them trying to convince me that fried chicken should be boneless, textureless nuggets with the slogan "Make New Traditions!" when they switched from real chicken to loaf chicken. And have you seen their replacement turkey dinner? "Homestyle Favorites Stuffing-Baked Turkey". It's a ground-up turkey nugget with the stuffing stuck all over the outside. You see, instead of bread crumbs, it's covered with stuffing. As in bread crumbs. It's a homestyle favorite, if your mom was big on extruding pucks of compressed meat puree. And I'm unable to figure this out: -> SafetyAlerts -> April 27, 1998 -> Swanson's Hungry-Man Turkey Dinners Recalled for Mislableing -> -> FAYETTEVILLE, AR (Safety Alerts) - Vlasic Foods International is -> recalling certain Swanson's Hungry-Man Turkey Dinner (Mostly White Meat) -> in 16.75-oz size and Swanson's Hungry-Man Boneless Chicken Dinner -> (cases of 12 packages each) because the Chicken with soy sauce -> mislabeled as turkey, so some packages of turkey contain unlabeled -> isolated soy protein (ISP). It's hard to decipher that sentence, but no matter what's wrong, why should this be a problem? They said "Mostly White Meat", which means it would be okay even if it contained up to 49% green and purple stuff. I think they're only up to 43% so far. -- K. I ate a Swanson Hungry-Man Dinner while watching Wil Wheaton's 1987 film "The Curse", and the dinner was definitely grosser than the food in the film. The best scene was when Wil's mom sliced open a head of lettuce and it was full of swirly pudding, and then a tomato squirted her. It wasn't a great movie, though. It definitely went downhill after Butt-Crack Guy pushed Wil into a big pile of shit. If I ever get to be in a movie, I'm going to ensure my contract includes a "no getting pushed into shit" clause, and also, the movie would have to have a firm "no butt crack" policy. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Frozen Children's Nuggets Of Fun (May Be Chicken) Date: Tue, 2 Apr 2002 01:46:09 GMT Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Dinty Moore's brand of turkey-and-gravy-with-stuffing-in-a- > > > plastic-tray [...] is often sold at 7-Eleven stores, including the > > > 7-Eleven on Stilts that is located near my apartment. > > > > This is Baba Yaga's convenience mart speaking! Your meals are not > > convenient enough! Food contains no user-serviceable parts! > > Ingredients and other incompletely assembled food are hazardous to > > children! Stand back from the windows and prepare to be boarded! > > I just can't believe that all my blathering about Dinty Moore sent the > death ray after his similarly named brother instead. Where -- I ask > you, *where* -- is the justice??! I'm sorry you killed Dudley Moore. It should have been Bob Hope. I had always wanted Bob Hope to kill Dudley Moore. And vice versa. On live TV. With sharpened sporks. Back when Gene Roddenberry first created Dudley Moore and Dinty Moore, he sent a memo around listing all the permissible names for people from the planet Moorcania: Dudley Moore Dinty Moore Dipsy Moore Darby Moore Dorney Moore Dolty Moore Dinky Moore Donkey Moore Diddley Moore Doodley Moore Deedley Moore Dainty Moore Derby Moore Dumpy Moore Dorky Moore Durhey Moore ...he wrote that the same day he wrote the famous memo about how all Vulcanians would have names that sounded like "Spork", but they never used any of that stuff because 7-Eleven wouldn't pay for the "Spork" product placement. This is why, on classic "Star Trek", whenever they're supposed to be eating, it's always finger food like celery soaked in red food coloring, or cubes of blue and orange kitchen sponges. -- K. The reason we can't see the planet Vulcan from Earth is that the planet's on stilts so high we can't see the tops. That, and it orbits the center of the Sun at a distance of nearly three miles. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Frozen Children's Nuggets Of Fun (May Be Chicken) Date: Tue, 26 Mar 2002 08:25:20 GMT Yesterday I wrote: > > And have you seen [Swanson's] replacement turkey dinner? > "Homestyle Favorites Stuffing-Baked Turkey". IMPORTANT CORRECTION: The recombined Superball of pureed turkey sinew coated with a mixture of shredded newspaper and Q*bert fur is NOT part of Swanson's Homestyle Favorites line, it is one of their Traditional Favorites. The distinction between the two isn't clear, but today at the supermarket I noticed that the turkey wad in dryer lint is Traditional, not Homestyle. I was mistaken because, before posting the previous article, I checked my facts with Swanson's official Web site, which claims all their dinners are Homestyle Favorites but it's wrong. If you can't even trust a TV dinner's Web site, whom can you trust? The only thing I learned from their Web site is -> Where are the sprinkles or frosting packets in my Fun Feast(R) meal? -> Ê -> The sprinkles in the Cheese Pizza, Chicken Nuggets and Fish Sticks meals -> are purposely placed under the pizza, nuggets and fish sticks to keep them -> on the tray during their trip down the production line. Check under the -> food in the main compartment if you're not able to find the packet on top -> of the food. Of course, the real reason is that Swanson has a fetish for making people touch their food while it's still cold. And if you ate the whole dinner but never noticed you were eating a packet of sprinkles melted onto the bottom of your toddler-size pizza square, you're probably not sophisticated enough to think of searching the Web for your missing sprinkles. You're probably still trying to figure out whether the cartoon characters on the box are real or just printed on. ...wait, they said there's a "production line" at the Swanson factory? I thought the Homestyle Favorites, Traditional Favorites, and Fun Feasts were crafted by sweet grandmas, old-timey chefs in bowler derbies, and magical wizards! Not to mention cartoon characters! In any case, I apologize to Swanson's for calling their fuzz-blasted turkey turd a Homestyle Favorite when it is a Traditional Favorite. -- K. They don't say whose favorite it is. This is because the marketing department said they couldn't use the word "Hitler" anywhere on the box. P.S. Here are your missing sprinkles: \-|'/'|-\/'|-|'|.//../:-'\/:.-..''\'||./.-:.:'\.:.\.-.\..:\:./..--'/\/'- .:.:\.:'''.-|../\-::'-\:\-/::-|\..|///-.//:..-\\:::/\:-\'|...\:.|:.:|:|/ .-\|.\/:|-../|:\-.::|-/|...:.-.'.'-\'|.\//\-.\\'-..\.'.'|/'-/..\:|-||-.. ..'/\'..:.::\':/::'..--|.\/.\//-''\..\::'-'\-.|./\|.:.-\.//|-|.-/'/\.::- -/'/:-./\./.|--':|:-:.'/.//-'|..:\\.:\\-|\-.:.|.-|\'..-../'':\.\-':|\.'\ .\:/':..'.''.:.-...-/:-'.:.|'./\/.'.'\.|/-.':.:||.\\/'|-\-||:\./-|.\.\./ -|-\/\\\'-/\|\\:\/\|:..'...|-\/:'/':/-:::.:/|\|.':\':-\|'||..'||..\/'... ||\':-::\-'||.'//'/-./-:\|-.\|-\:|-\./'-../-././.|.|/-/|.'...\'\\.|:.:.' ..|.'\''/--\'..:'.-//-:.-.:::.'\'-|-\'-.|-'\//.\.-.:\/|..\-:.'-:\/\-/../ /.\\\..:|./'.-|/..:.-:/../||/:/'|-/:/-|-\\\.:|:/'.||/'/-..://:''-'.||.// ...if your computer screen had a revolving polarized filter behind it, it would look like they were moving down the production line into the annealing vat where the Bessemer Process would vulcanize them. Any engineering process can be explained through the use of sprinkles, polarized light, and a Gift Shop Of Science that sells educational toys like Astronaut Ice Cream. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Frozen Children's Nuggets Of Fun (May Be Chicken) Date: Mon, 25 Mar 2002 23:57:40 GMT Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And have you seen [Swanson's] replacement turkey dinner? [...] > > It's a homestyle favorite, if your mom was big on extruding pucks > > of compressed meat puree. > > What's hard to believe is that Dinty Moore's brand of turkey-and- > gravy-with-stuffing-in-a-plastic-tray, which is sold unfrozen because > it's CHOCK FULL OF GOD KNOWS WHAT KIND OF CHEMICALS, actually is not > all that unenjoyable. I think it's the crunchiness of the chunks o' > crunchy vegetable matter (celery, I guess?) that gives it that special > zing. You should be able to find this fairly easily since it is often > sold at 7-Eleven stores, including the 7-Eleven on Stilts that is > located near my apartment. Dinty Moore (and Hormel, which is the same company with a different logo) introduced those several years ago, I think during the brief fad for "sous vide" packaging in the early Nineties. (Gnocchi seem to have been the only food to have caught on with that sort of packaging.) They cook the stuff and sterilize it and then suck all the air out so it's like a canned product, but with a plasticky flavor, suitable for eating on the Space Shuttle. The sliced turkey (with artificial mashed potatoes) and roast beef (with artificial mashed potatoes) have a weird metallic flavor, like they're adding ground-up tin to simulate the taste of real canned meat. The potatoes with the chemical gravy are absolutely horrid. The meat is nice and tender, though, as it tends to shatter when your fork touches it. You know how when someone turns into a zombie for four thousand years and you take away their magical amulet, they dry up, and then you gently poke them and they shatter into clumps of dust? The meat has that texture. Not soft, not crunchy, but very crumbly. > Speaking of which! Over the weekend I found this map that purports to > show the locations of anti-aircraft artillery sites around Washington D.C. > [...] and was taken aback when I noticed that site #6 is really really > close to my apartment -- and really really REALLY REALLY close to the > 7-Eleven on Stilts, which is by the intersection of Chillum Road and > Sargent Road. Could this mean something? Is the 7-Eleven on Stilts > actually designed to be able to stand up and walk away in the event of > a plane being shot down nearby, so as to keep the fiery crashing plane > from robbing our nation's capital area of its critical convenience- > store infrastructure? That supports the theory that Dinty Moore vacuum-packed no-refrigeration- needed mummified entrees were designed to survive nuclear holocaust. The only survivors of a nuclear war would be Dinty Moore, Snack Pack, Wheat Nuts, and Little Debbie's vinyl-coated hexagons! Fun fact: I actually ate at Dinty Moore's Manhattan restaurant way back when it was a brand of restaurants and not just another name for Hormel canned sludge. (Dinty Moore was also the name of a character in the "Bringing Up Father" comic strip, he apparently followed Maggie and Jiggs around trying to make them eat canned swill, before he grew to giant size and started putting bloody thumbprints all over stuff.) I don't know if I sat at the same table where George Gershwin told Irving Caesar to compose a knockoff of "Swanee River". Still, the food must not have been too bad back then (in 1919) because Caesar lived to be 101. I think I was there somewhere in between the classy and the canned periods. Of course, had the restaurant been on stilts, Gershwin and Caesar would still be alive today. -- K. It would be neat if the 7-Eleven was on really tall stilts just to keep people from being able to buy anything there. It would be the world's most inconvenient convenience store. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Frozen Children's Nuggets Of Fun (May Be Chicken) Date: Mon, 25 Mar 2002 07:38:07 GMT Paddy Smith (pjsmith40@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Just for you folks, I bought a pair of matched children's TV dinners > > last year, but I forgot to write the review after eating them, so this > > year I bought another pair so the greasy taste would be lingering fresh > > in my mouth as I wrote this. > > For the love of all that's holy, why do this? Hey! Tom Kramer drank some Citroma that I gave him! So you can't pick on the things I do for you people until you pick on him! Because of the "equal time" rule, he'll never be able to run for President unless you pick on him just as much as I've ever been picked on. Sincerely, Your Future President, Kibo. Vote for me, I ate children's portions just to give you something to talk about. It's all part of my clever campaign strategy to create an incredibly minor controversy because otherwise people might be afraid to vote for me because I'm too perfect. > > 2002 versions: > > Kid Cuisine: Fun Nuggets (Star & Hook Shaped), "Return To Neverland" box > > Islamic or Communist? That is, Pakistani-flag-style star & crescent, or > Star-of-the-People's-Republic plus glorious hero-artisan's sickle? You > neglected to mention which revolution your defenceless Yanqui children are > being softened up for. > > Nice to see them associating the symbols of their future overlords with > basic nourishment. Or maybe not, depending on your position on grey > pulp-chicken. Is it a tie-in with that jet engine testing machine? Captain Hook's hand was severed by the mechanical chicken separator, which gave Swanson the idea for these nuggets. Although the box showed two stars and one hook, my dinner contained three hooks, so I yelled "YAHTZEE!" and then "POINTY!" when I bit into one. > > In any case, I ate two of these last year and two of these today, > > and I'm still hungry. > > You crave freedom, comrade. As Brecht said: fun nuggets first, then state > smashing. If I am elected President, I will destroy the axis of evil (Swanson's, Morton's, Banquet) which are trying to obtain lethal Veg-All technology from Iraq. Also, I will remove the "WARNING: SUSHI MAY CONTAIN RAW FISH" sign from your local supermarket, in the name of people's God-given right to eat stuff they're too stupid to want to eat if they knew what it was. Also, you should vote for me because I am operating a really good imaginary supermarket. My imaginary supermarket smells clean. -- K. I promise to take my imaginary supermarket with me to the Oval Office. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I warned you! More "Knight Rider" on the way! Date: Mon, 25 Mar 2002 08:27:36 GMT "J. Calhoun" (jcalhoun@cunning.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In "Team Knight Rider", they had various vehicles, such as a > > four-wheel-drive truck and two motorcycles that could turn into > > something looking a lot like Automan's Autocar. > > Not quite. The Autocar looked like a fake Lamborghini, or maybe a Vector W-8. > The Team Knight rider car looked like something Hot Wheels threw out on the > grounds that it was too silly looking. Remember they're the ones who make > jet-powered chicken trucks and jeeps that look like scorpions. I stand corrected. The two cars were gay in completely different ways -- one because it looked like something little boys wouldn't want to play with and the other because it was in a show about a shy nerd who used his computer to create a perfect male model who would take him on wild adventures and say things like "Come into my world, Walter," while pulling him towards his chest. (I am not making that up. Desi Jr. would climb into the male model's chest to hide inside him.) I don't know why people keep accusing KITT of being gay. Clearly "Automan" was the gay show, and ALL talking cars can't be gay. I think KITT was probably a heterosexual talking car. Of course, it's hard to tell, because there weren't any female cars in KITT's world. So, what do you think of the car in the movie "Robot Jox"? (That's the movie where the evil guy with the bad accent yells "I weel krush yiew, liek BUGGG!") That car appeared to be made out of cardboard and was polyhedral with about five sides. I'm not sure why it was a flying car, given that it had the aerodynamic styling of a Tetra Pak. > > Clear, in "Super Knight Rider 3000", KITT will be a Segway. > > And the next generation of talking car will be a Toyota Prius, > voiced by Ed Begley Jr. At this point, I'd like to run around screaming for a while because last week I had the mistaken impression that Ed Begley Jr. was peering in through my seventh-story window from his silent electric helicopter. I know he'd never do that and I had the wrong idea but I'm still scared. I kept expecting the phone to ring in the middle of the night and hear a spooky voice say, "EVERRRR HEARRRRD A SHIRRRRT MAKE A PHOOOONE CALLLL?" But he's a nice guy and would never stalk me even though I've seen everything he's been in. Don't forget to watch his new sitcom, which is officially titled "Wednesday 9:30 (8:30 Central)", the only sitcom to have two colons, three if you count the person who thought that was a memorable title. Ed Begley Jr. plays the president of a TV network (showing programs with better titles such as "Paper Or Plastic".) It's produced by one of the folks from "The Larry Sanders Show", and I always enjoy Ed Begley Jr., so I'm hoping it'll be good before ABC murders it. Plus apparently John Cleese plays "Red". I hope that means he'll have red Bozo hair. John Cleese could be the first funny Bozo. The wacky TV network that Ed Begley Jr. is in charge of is named IBS, which I assume isn't all shows about Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Hopefully they won't show that three-dimensional fishing show from "Batman & Robin" that reduced him to a vegetable. So, if we're lucky, it will be very good, and it will stay on the air forever, keeping him busy so they'll have to find a third "St. Elsewhere" character to be the voice of the "Knight Rider" car. Is Howie Mandel available? You can catch the premiere of "Wednesday 9:30 (8:30 Central)" next week, I think on Wednesday. Go here now to be told to watch it: http://abc.abcnews.go.com/primetime/wednesday930/index.html The link even says "go" in it because you have to go there now. Go! -- K. P.S. The "Ever heard a shirt make a phone call?" movie was the one I had to threaten to sue Blockbuster over after they charged me something like a hundred dollars for moving to a different town after I returned the tape. Don't shop at Blockbuster, even for Ed Begley Jr.'s movies. If you can't find them anywhere else, you should just go without Ed Begley Jr. for a while. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I warned you! More "Knight Rider" on the way! Date: Mon, 25 Mar 2002 08:48:16 GMT True story. While I was just writing that article about "Knight Rider 2000", one of my TiVos started recording "Knight Rider 2000", on a whim. That's the one where it's the distant future year of 2000, and KITT has the power to electrocute James Doohan for no reason, and all crime takes place in a single shopping mall, and Dan Quayle is President. That TV movie begins on February 19, 2000. Why do we need to know what day of February it is to enjoy the talking car? The thing started recording it while I was typing the article, and when I was done I turned on the TV and got a "Knight Rider 2000" surprise. Anyway, this is just another example of how I've got my TiVos so well-trained that they are somehow accessing my alt.religion.kibology articles to record the obscure old TV-movies I'm making fun of, even before I finish making fun of them. Yay! KITT just zapped James Doohan. Also one of the future guys says James Doohan "played Scotty in all ten movies", so I think David Hasselhoff owes us three more original-cast "Star Trek" movies in addition to "Knight Rider 3000". "KNIGHT RIDER" LIED ABOUT "STAR TREK"! -- K. I better not mention "Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp" or the TiVo will subscribe me to some secret cable channel that shows it. P.S.: "Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kitten dream Date: Tue, 26 Mar 2002 02:07:01 GMT "Kev In, Boyz Out" (kboyce@toad.net) wrote: > > So yeah, I had this dream that contained a kitten-powered oven. This concept is why I always look forward to hearing about other people's dreams. Especially because they're usually even weirder than mine. > There was a glass door, and behind it was a huge pile of kittens. > Enough kittens to make it really hot. The kittens didn't seem to mind, > and it was all very cute. There wasn't really room in there to put > anything you wanted to cook, but that didn't seem to bother me. > Nor did the fact that it was an oven full of kittens. That is truly a clever concept! I was expecting an ordinary kitten-powered oven, where they ran on hamster wheels to turn a generator, not one which cooks food with the radiant warmth and fuzziness of a pile of sleeping kitties. It probably works at least as well as a normal Easy-Bake oven with the unhappy-looking two-watt light bulb under the food. > Does this make me a shallow person? It depends. Were they Hello Kitty kittens or realistic kittens? They do make Hello Kitty ovens, you know. In fact, Sanyo has at least two models, the "Hello Kitty Oven Toaster" which is a little toaster oven, and the "Hello Kitty Super Toaster Oven / Bagel Cooker", which is the size of a small refrigerator, with two racks and three quartz heating elements. It includes some gadget that stamps a cat face onto bread, just like the Hello Kitty popup toasters (there are also two models of those, and a waffle iron and a rice cooker.) In the future, all food will be prepared by pressing it against Hello Kitty's face. -- K. I'm glad Garry Shandling doesn't make ovens. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kitten dream Date: Tue, 26 Mar 2002 02:14:48 GMT Eurakarte (eurakarte@eurakarte.com) wrote: > > Somehow, I feel like I should tell you about my Wacky London > Adventure dream. So let me tell you about my Wacky London > Adventure dream. > > I was in a really nice hotel. The carpeting was very nice. > This hotel also has a built in grocery store. I get hungry, so > I decide to go to the store. As I'm walking down the halls, I > notice there are no other people around. Then after I turn a > corner, all of a sudden I'm in some sort of Victorian-era > London, with a bunch of men with beards and top hats walking > around. There is a giant pile of metal in the middle of the > cobblestone street, so I decide to climb up it. At the top is > a big 7-11 store, which I naturally enter. Inside, I see the > cashier being robbed at gunpoint, so I jump out the window and > slide back down the pile, and at the bottom I turn into a rat. > > Hooray! But how could you fire the anti-aircraft guns to defend London's 7-Elevens from Her Majesty's enemies if you were just a rat? I prefer the American plan, which is to put the 7-Elevens on stilts and fill them up with Dinty Moore entrees that make people mutate into hideous monsters that _can_ fire anti-aircraft guns at Commies. I wish I could have more dreams, but I think I wore out that part of my brain long ago, around the time "Small Wonder" was still on TV. Hey, wait a minute... Make "Small Wonder" give me my brain back! -- K. And nobody ever noticed that the little girl was a robot, or that she was pulling a little red wagon with my brain in it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: H Postings. Attention Kibo. The second posting mentions somethning about you. Date: Wed, 27 Mar 2002 03:29:23 GMT John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Here is more discussions about Chemtrails and an underwater city > off the coast of India. > > [...important information relayed from mysterious sources...] > > They were masters of shape-shifting. Chiron was of this energy. > Thoth also was of this energy. And where Thoth is concerned, there > are several energetic beings that are part of his totality. When we > speak of Thoth, we speak of the totality of his beingness. Don't forget that Thoth also created Spathe Ghoth and other fine Hanna-Barbera characters with speech impediments and huge gloves. But then he got Carbonized by that Simon Fraser from Brian Clark University, or vice versa. This made me sad because Spathe Ghoth is only supposed to carbonize Zorak every week. > [...] > > Subject: Are You In Goggle? Mar. 26, 2002. > > In the past my postings were put in a web site and you could read > a few of them there if you figured you had missed something. Later > the person taking care of the site found out that my postings > were being put in a big site called deja.com, so he quit putting out > the web site. The postings had piled up to contain about 6,000 or > more of my postings. Then deja.com went out of business and > Goggle.com now has their business. > If you go to google.com and use their search engine you should put > in my name which is John F. Winston. You will get a few of my > postings plus something about Winston Chruchhill and John F. Kennedy. > I figure that I'm in pretty good company with those people. You > will then read the following information about yours truly. > > ....... > > Subject: Full Canvas Jacket Award 19 December 2000 - John F. > Winston > Unhinged Lunatic Rant of the Week > ------------------------------------------------------------- > > Are your predecessors reptilian? > Posted by John F. Winston to the newsgroups alt.ufo, sci.skeptic, > talk.religion.newage, alt.ufo.reports > 5 February 2001 > -------------------------------------------------------------- > John Winston copied all this stuff from a web site. It was posted > in three installments. There may be another thirty installments to > come, but enough is enough. > ------------------------------------------------------------- > > JW So after reading this information and winning a contest for > being the greatest lunatic around they actually included some of my > postings. > I then got to wondering if some of my internet friends are also in > google.com and how they are being treated. > The first person I checked out was Steve Wingate, a person who > posts a lot of good information and who is trying to make the world > a better place. Sure enough he was in there and they report him > fairly well. > Next I checked out my internet friend James Kibo Parry. He is so > famous that all you have to write in his name Kibo. He has been > written up in the electronic magazine called Wired, and post to a > news group called, alt.religion.kibology. He has the the fanciest > web site you've ever seen. ...if you haven't seen a lot of other Web sites. Sometime I should make the time to blow the whole thing up and redo it all. But the last thing I ever want to do after working on other people's Web sites at the office all day is to work on my own. I mean, ick. Web. I wish the Web had never been created. We were getting along just fine with television and The Whole Earth Catalog before the government forced us all to get subscriptions to the Web! > Kibo is one of the funniest people I ever come in contact with. > The last time I counted his readers there were about 80,000 people > listening to his site. They post about 300 messages a day. This > information has a error factor of about 90%. The error factor of alt.religion.kibology is usually measured incorrectly. This is similar to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. If you ever figure out which information on alt.religion.kibology is true, this causes the shape of the Universe to change as all eleven dimensions refold around the particular piece of information in order to make it not true. The Universe is cavalier and capricious and usually wrong. I prefer to express alt.religion.kibology's degree of difficulty as a decimal, because my calculator doesn't have a "percent" button. Most of the articles I post have a degree of difficulty between 0.5 and 0.7, but some may rise to 0.8 or 0.9 or on occasion I may hit 0.99 as I run into the asymtote that defines the McIrvin Limit. Scientists hypothesize there may be information on the far side of the McIrvin Limit, but nobody will ever know it's there, and even if they do steal some of it by poking a long butterfly net through a gap in the asymptote, not even Matt McIrvin will be able to explain a reference of difficulty above 1.0. > So I quess I should be thankful that I won an award and because > they spelled my name right. I think Portal might beg to differ, Mr. Underscore Hyphen Underscore Winston. > A lot of people don't agree me 100% but after a few days I don't > even agree with myself all that much. I appreciate everyone putting > up with me. Everyone? You mean Zorak puts up with you? I don't think he likes me. He keeps stealing my Twizzlers during snack time. I don't get any respect from him and Moltar. This is a shame, because Moltar's my favorite. Still, I'm happy to put up with you. I'd offer you a Twizzler but I'm busy using an infinite number of them to make a new asymptote to divide me from Zorak. -- K. I think this article only peaked at around 0.73. I apologize for that. I will post the other 0.26 separately someday. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I want more Date: Wed, 27 Mar 2002 04:01:36 GMT In sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > When I write an article for this physics group about a theory I am trying > to create a record to claim credit for the theory. Some times I talk about > things like God and curses because it is important for girls and boys to > understand what is true. I am not talking to the dishonest ideits who > write articles for these physics groups. If God killed most people who > write articles for these physics groups the universe would be better. When > I write an article about what is true I am talking to a small number of > good people who do not write articles for these physics groups. What are you talking about? There are no people who do not write articles for sci.physics. Sci.physics is all there is. Life outside sci.physics is an illusion. If a real world existed, we wouldn't need the Internet! > When I write an article I am not associating with the dirty little slimes > who write articles for these physics groups. I do not read their articles. > Let the dishonest dirty little slime ideits talk to dishonest dirty little > slime ideits. Don't forget the Kibologists. They worship me because I am their ideity. > If the snow and ice melts at the south pole the ocean will be about 230 > feet more high. I guess that would not flood a lot of land. Not unless we also raised the land 230 feet. If the ocean's way up there hovering above the land, it wouldn't hurt a thing. But we would need longer fishing poles to reach that high. > I tend to go by the Bible. I think most of it is true. I tend to go by Trader Joe's, but I don't think most of it is true. I can't help it if Trader Joe's is on the route to work. I've asked them to move the subway away from Trader Joe's, but for some reason they never do it. I asked them to move the subway four days ago and they still haven't done it. > When God flooded the earth God made water from under the ground go to > the top. I guess there is an extreme amount of water under the ground. > I think the flood 6000 years ago would have destroyed any ice at the > north pole and south pole. I think the snow and ice at the north pole > and south pole was made after the flood. I think after the flood there > was less land as compared to now. I think when snow and ice was made > at the north pole and south pole the ocean went down. Yes, but your theory fails to explain whether Atlantis disappeared at the same time the West Pole sank. > It could be true that there are a lot of reasons why ice breaks into pieces > at the south pole. Big pieces of ice may have forces going through them > that causes them to break into pieces. It could be slow. Little cracks > could become big. The force of the moon may be different on different > parts. The weight of the ice could be big where the ice breaks up. > > Girls and boys are not suppose to let their dogs and cats have children. > There are to many dogs and cats. > > I try not to buy things from companies that abuse animals for money. Like > Pro. and Gamble. > > Girls and boys are not suppose to kiss any person who has bodies of animals > between their teeth. > > A person can not be sexy with bodies of animals between their teeth. But can someone be unsexy without having bodies of animals between their teeth? Also, why was Rita Webb in so many nudie films? She kept turning up amid all the sex in "Zeta One", "The Nine Ages Of Nakedness", "Up The Chastity Belt", "The Benny Hill Show", and one episode of "Space: 1999" where she was credited as playing "Slatternly Woman". Can a person be slatternly and still be in pornography without bodies of animals between their teeth? And doesn't your theory mean people become sexy if they lose their teeth? > It is probably true Greenwood DE. is cursed. 13 goes through the small > town. There are police trying to give tickets. I have not ever gotten a > ticket from them. I have driven on 13 and 80 a lot and I tend not to see > small towns giving a lot of tickets. That's nothing. The town where Highway 13 and Highway 666 meet is double cursed, and if you watch Rita Webb's episode of "1999" near 13 and 666 you can be triple cursed. And if you get triple cursed 222 times you become 666 cursed and if you become 666 cursed with a googol of animals between each of your 1999 teeth you can become Dom DeLuise's exercise bicycle seat for a month, and you don't want that -- or should I not assume? -- K. Am I the first person to use the words "slatternly" and "ideity" in the same article? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I want more Date: Wed, 27 Mar 2002 05:35:07 GMT Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > > > > > Let the dishonest dirty little slime ideits talk to dishonest > > > dirty little slime ideits. > > > > Don't forget the Kibologists. They worship me because I am their ideity. > > Like a regular idol, except with rounded edges and designer colors > such as blueberry, quince, and vapor. Your attention please. The new colors and textures available to Kibologists have just been announced: Tingleberry Twizzle Spacklesplosion Bozo In A Hair Net Cortical Pink Imaginary Dalmatian Crumpetty Super Mud Beautiful Underwear Wattamelonius Funk Deep Blue Memepool Stuffing-Crusted Turkey and Red (The Death Color.) All are available immediately, but the special limited-edition Red (The Death Color) is available only from The Kibology Store at your local shopping mall. If there is no shopping mall near you, then you suck, almost as much as those people who own anything in last year's colors! -- K. (They say this placed used to be a slaughterhouse.) A special limited Tenth Anniversary edition of that callback is available in Red (The Death Color For Over Ten Years.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I Postings. Date: Thu, 28 Mar 2002 21:48:50 GMT John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: Another Mistake. Mar. 27, 2002. > > I made a mistake and said that the big web site that contains > some of my postings is called goggle. It's actually called > google.com > If you go to goggle all you will get is an offer to get some free > gas. > Holy cow, > John Winston. > > Subject: Some Kind Words. Mar. 27, 2002. > > Here is something that a person sent me. > [...] I wouldn't worry about misspelling "goggle". To us, you'll always be the "bigfootf" guy. Fun fact: w.google.com, ww.google.com, www.gogle.com, and www.googel.de are all synonyms for the real Google just for people who can't spell (so that poor spellers can search for pronagarfy too.) Two of those were used by people searching for "panty" and winding up on my page about Panty Cat. (Apparently Web surfers do a lot of hunting for disembodied panties but seldom look for cats.) The other two brought people to my site by way of searches for "vat of syrup photo" and "Matt Verbit". The latter is apparently a football player, but because I have an ancient page that mentions Matt McIrvin and Misha Verbitsky, someone probably wound up being really disappointed to reach a page that did not have a football player wearing panties in a vat of syrup. Yes, I'm reading my server logs again. Nowhere else is it possible to learn how people REALLY use the Web. Some of the Google searches people have used to find my page about that Panty Cat computer game: http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=panty+pleasure http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=his+panty+pleasure http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=pleasure+in+your+panty http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=used+panty http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=panty+head http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=panty+sniffing+head+wear http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=japanese+sniffer+panty http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=head+in+panty http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=qwerty+pantyhose http://www.google.com/search?q=pantyhose+telemundo http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=visible+panty+line+pics http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=panty+panty+panty http://www.google.com/search?q=panty+poop http://www.google.de/search?q=poop+panty+laxative http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=polyester+panty+pics http://www.google.ch/search?q=panty+up+panty http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=up+that+panty http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=pantyhose+crime+fighting http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=forced+pantyhose http://www.google.com/search?q=forced+to+shop+for+pantyhose http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=I'm+turning+into+pantyhose http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=JUST+PANTY http://www.google.com/search?q=FUNNY+PANTY http://www.google.com/search?q=what+is+panty http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=Panty+search+engines Like I've said before, you people are sick. -- K. Also, I can see you. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: urban archeology homework assignment Date: Thu, 28 Mar 2002 22:56:52 GMT "WHOSE TITAN ELBOW" (crgre+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > Look for and acquire other people's supermercado receipts, > folks leave them on the ground or in their carts oftentimes, > and then use them as your own shopping lists. What do you do when someone just buys "GROCERY" or "TAXABLE MCHDSE"? Do you have to use the same coupons they did? Bring in the same number of returnable bottles? What do you do if you're at a cheap store where the receipt just has prices and no text? Do you have to scour the store looking for items with those prices? Can you find the same cashier and set up the same items on the conveyor belt in exactly the same order? This would work best if you were in line right behind the guy you were copying. Do you get extra points if you catch someone buying something that I never saw anyone buying the summer you worked in a supermarket, like that one Pel-Freez Frozen Quartered Rabbit that's in the back of every supermarket freezer? We should compile an authoritative list of everything supermarkets try to sell and don't. Has anyone ever bought one of the playground balls? (I said _one_, so you can't count the two I bought.) -- K. Who would be the special guest star on "Supermarket Improv"? Andy Dick acting like Tom Green? Al Molinaro? Al Molinaro acting like Andy Dick? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: urban archeology homework assignment Date: Fri, 29 Mar 2002 07:12:14 GMT Gregory King (gregking@earthling.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Do you get extra points if you catch someone buying something that > > I never saw anyone buying the summer you worked in a supermarket, > > like that one Pel-Freez Frozen Quartered Rabbit that's in the back > > of every supermarket freezer? > > What's that again? The summer I worked in a supermarket, Kibo was > keeping track of what foods people bought? Yes. I started stalking you years ago because I knew that someday I'd need to exact a violent revenge for your propensity to point out my subtle mistakes introduced by the way I care so much about my articles that I do eight drafts of each of them, rewriting sentences to change cases and tenses and points of view, and occasionally I lose agreement between my "me" and your "I". So now I'm going to launch a Pel-Freez Frozen Rabbit at you with this bazooka. Expect to be hit with a rabbit missile at 6:14am, 6:15am, 6:16am, and 6:17am. I looked for a five-piece rabbit to prolong the agony but apparently rabbits naturally separate into quarters when frozen. > When I was working at McDonald's, did Kibo collect and analyze the > McNuggets I dropped on the floor to see if they were tastier and more > shapely than Kid Cuisine? Dropping them on the floor to analyze them is not a valid scientific procedure. Although, it might be good for analyzing the strength of the floor. And speaking of analyzing the strength of stuff, on "Star Trek", when they're under attack and the ship is down to "1% structural integrity" but for some reason none of the air has fallen out of the ship because it's not 99% holes, does this mean that the ship has 1% structural integrity and 99% Plastic Wood or something? -- K. Also, McNuggets aren't shapely. They're specifically designed to be neither shapely nor shapeless. I've always wanted to be the guy who designs the slightly asymmetrical, perfectly natural shapes that ground meat is stamped into. Do they throw away the nuggets that come out too round, or do they just bend 'em? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: urban archeology homework assignment Date: Fri, 29 Mar 2002 00:34:40 GMT "WHOSE TITAN ELBOW" (crgre+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > Say, is it illegal anywhere to actually posess someone else's > grocery receipt? I suspect so. You don't need to possess it, you just need to copy it. > I think that this new science of "doing what everyone else does" > (because if you pick a receipt at random, it will be absolutely > typical of what "everyone else" does) will expose the "skeleton" > of the "matryoshka reality" we have been plonked into!!! Naaaaaaah, it'll just lead to you buying too many kinds of cereal. I'm heading off to the supermarket _right_now_ and I will look for a discarded receipt and try to adopt the personality of the abandoner of that receipt for a few minutes. Wait, I don't even need to go there -- here's my impression of their personality: "LOOK AT ME, I'M LITTERING, WHEEE!" Okay, I'll go there and find a receipt and do an impression of their personality based solely on what they purchased. I will leave it to someone else to determine precisely why when people have a losing "instant-win" lottery ticket they are unable to carry it three feet to the trash can. Apparently lottery tickets may _only_ be thrown on the ground. I guess they're meant to be good for the environment or something. -- K. At least I don't pick them all up to see if any of them are winners. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: urban archeology homework assignment Date: Fri, 29 Mar 2002 07:01:39 GMT "Xcott Craver" (Caj@B_r_a_i_n_H_z.c_o_m) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I will leave it to someone else to determine precisely why when people > > have a losing "instant-win" lottery ticket they are unable to carry it > > three feet to the trash can. > > > > Apparently lottery tickets may _only_ be thrown on the ground. > > They might be intended as some kind of cautionary tale for > the next idiot. "Hey, lookie that! Someone already played > the lottery, and *lost*! Here I almost bought a ticket." So what you're saying is, the people who play "scratchers" are altruists? What about the people in the supermarket who decide they don't want that gallon of milk so they leave it in the warmest place in the market? What about those people who use the toilet in a public restroom and can't be bothered to flush because touching the flush lever is gross? WHAT ABOUT SPAMMERS, XCOTT, WHAT ABOUT THE SPAMMERS? -- K. P.S. I took the underscores out of your fake E-mail address and sold the address to spammers and the underscores to the makers of Underoos. Those suckers have some idea that "day of the week" underwear will be replaced by "fill in the blank" underwear, and I don't think anyone will buy underwear that needs to be filled in, not even Charles Nelson Reilly. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: urban archeology homework assignment Date: Fri, 29 Mar 2002 06:45:11 GMT I wrote: > > "WHOSE TITAN ELBOW" (crgre+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > > > Look for and acquire other people's supermercado receipts, [...] > > and then use them as your own shopping lists. > > > > [...] > > > > I think that this new science of "doing what everyone else does" > > (because if you pick a receipt at random, it will be absolutely > > typical of what "everyone else" does) will expose the "skeleton" > > of the "matryoshka reality" we have been plonked into!!! > > I'm heading off to the supermarket _right_now_ and I will look for > a discarded receipt and try to adopt the personality of the abandoner > of that receipt for a few minutes. Well, I went to the Prudential Star to look for receipts to mock, and because I needed to buy a few things. In the mall attached to the market, people were sweeping the floors constantly (they have to keep the marble floors clean so they don't get any more chambered nautili embedded in them) and the entrance to the market is outdoors, where any discarded receipts would blow away, so my only hope of finding one was to walk in the exit and go past all the checkout lanes on my way in. I spotted a discarded lottery ticket, an unwanted coupon, and one crumpled-up receipt. But as I was walking towards the receipt a clerk swooped down and grabbed it. So much for my forensic reconstruction of the personality of a random person based on their receipt. I could have used my own receipt, of course, but I don't think my groceries are as interesting as normal people's. (The only interesting detail about my groceries is that I buy a lot of twin items. Sometimes it freaks out the clerk when I have two of every item but one.) But all was not lost, in terms of the experience. I did have one very, very, very, very, very, very slightly interesting encounter at the checkout (this is the main reason I go to the Prudential Star, which is the market where something weird always happens.) They had a flavor of Kool-Aid I like -- for those who don't know, Kool-Aid comes in tiny 3.6-gram packets that require adding water and sugar to make colored sugar water -- and because it takes two packets to fill a gallon bottle, I bought four, because, pairs. Whenever I buy something, I always check the price tag (which is wise when you consider how ineptly labelled stuff in Star Market is) and in case where there are no price tags on the items, I read the price off the shelf's sticker because I know I'll have to tell the cashier. Kool-Aid packets were at their normal price of 2 for 59c. When I got to the checkout lane with four identical packets, the cashier couldn't get the first one to scan, although she tried seven or eight times. "Try one of the other ones," the bagger suggested, but shockingly, the perfectly identical other packet wasn't in the computer's database either. The clerk looked around anxiously, I think hoping to see a "PRICE OF KOOL-AID IS:" banner being towed past by a miniature zeppelin, and then asked me, "Do you know how much this is?" "Two for fifty-nine cents," I said. She turned to the next cashier. "How much are these?" "Thirteen cents," said the other cashier. Every time something doesn't scan, I get asked how much it is, and then they never believe me. I think because I actually know the price off the top of my head they think I'm scamming them, so they'd probably only trust me if I didn't know the price of the things I was purchasing. In this case, I got charged much less than the actual retail price. Even the cashier seemed surprised how cheap the packets were, but the bagger assured her, "It's just sugar." This indicated that she has never made Kool-Aid (you have to add about a pound of sugar to the tiny packet) and she has also never bought any sugar since Nixon was elected. No quantity of sugar, no matter how small, could be only thirteen cents. And it's been a very long time since packets of genuine name-brand Kool-Aid were thirteen cents. So I got my Kool-Aid at about a 60% discount. On the way out, I didn't find any stray receipts, but I did find a really nice spiral nautilus shell about six inches across embedded in the floor. Every time I go to that mall I make new archaeological discoveries of dead animals sliced into pieces that you can walk on. They're ammonite-tacular and totally vuggy! Once the oceans were full of these things. The biggest ones were about three feet across. They're one of the most common fossils to find in sedimentary rocks, or at sedimentary shopping malls. The Legal Sea Foods restaurant at that mall is always filled to capacity with people who want to eat their mediocre seafood. I suspect that the fossil ammonites give people cravings for spiral-sliced squid. -- K. Yes, "vuggy" is a real word. It means the holes in the fossils got filled in with more rock. Related terms: "vug" and "vugular". A vug should not be confused with a wug, which is what I got Matt and Samantha as a wedding gift. But they only have one so they don't know how to pluralize it yet. Are we still on urban anthropology, or did we just get to morphological psycholinguistics by way of archaeology? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: urban archeology homework assignment Date: Wed, 3 Apr 2002 05:33:24 GMT "WHOSE TITAN ELBOW" (crgre+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > Look for and acquire other people's supermercado receipts, > folks leave them on the ground or in their carts oftentimes, > and then use them as your own shopping lists. I still haven't obtained anyone else's grocery receipt, but I do have one of my own which you people can make fun of. It's not exciting at all to analyze your own receipt, but you people should be able to go to town with mine. (This was a snacks-only run at the Super 88.) Y2K Beef W/ Pepper Noodle LOTUS Pork Rolls 13.4oz Y2K Sh Pork W/Garlic Noodle J T Peach Soft Drink 17oz YG Peach Flavor Tea 500 ml XIAMEN Cartoon Jelly Pop GT Singapore Yakisoba 120g NS Onion Fla. Rings 3.17oz KEEBLER Chicken Soda 450g KEEBLER Veg soda Biscuit 16 o Y2K Spiced Pork Noodle CHELSEA Europ. Dess.Mix3.63oz HADSON Wheat Cracker 2.11oz HANDMADE Candy 2.99oz CHELSEA Candy 103g GROCERY I don't remember what "GROCERY" was, but even if I did, I couldn't tell you or it would ruin the experiment and then nobody could get the Nobel Prize For Looking At Kibo's Snack Receipt. So, tell me what I was thinking, tell me how much I like chicken soda, and see if you can guess which item contains the most bacon flavor and which item looks like an angry Mayor McCheese with a rod up his butt. -- K. I only bought him because he looked evil. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Phil Dick warned us about Quayle's invisible destroying rod! Date: Thu, 28 Mar 2002 23:31:25 GMT From CNN's Web site: -> -> Former New Zealand chief claims Quayle threatened him -> -> March 28, 2002 Posted: 1:14 PM EST (1814 GMT) -> -> By Joe Havely -> CNN Hong Kong -> -> WELLINGTON, New Zealand (CNN) -- Former New Zealand Prime Minister David -> Lange has claimed that ex-U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle threatened to -> have him "liquidated" over his country's anti-nuclear policy in the 1980s. You know a politician's losing his grip on reality when he thinks Dan Quayle is stalking him. Next he'll wrap himself in aluminum foil to protect himself from rays emitted by Walter Mondale's comb-over. Of course, Phil Dick _did_ write a story titled "We Can Remember It For You Wholesale", in which one "D. Quail" assassinated the president of Mars with a "magic invisible destroying rod", but I think it's possible to take the "magic invisible destroying rod" story too seriously. The real Quayle probably just has a _regular_ invisible destroying rod. In any case, I think the ex-Prime Minister of New Zealand shouldn't have to worry unless New Zealand becomes the capital of Mars. -> The extraordinary allegation was first made in an interview with -> New Zealand's One News broadcast Tuesday night. Quayle rejected -> the claim. In an e-mail from Quayle's Phoenix, Arizona, office, -> Quayle said Lange's allegation was "complete and utter nonsense -- -> it's so ridiculous it deserves no further comment." It was probably planted by Jay Leno's people. I will bet you a dollar Leno's monologue tonight will include the sentence, "You know what's REALLY ridiculous? The idea that DAN QUAYLE... knows how to use E-MAIL!" and then the band will play that one music sting they play fifteen times a night. -> The report also was described as "preposterous" by the U.S. Embassy -> in Wellington. -> -> "We would hate to challenge the memory of a former prime minister, -> but the suggestion that former vice president Quayle threatened to -> kill him is preposterous," a spokeswoman told CNN. -> -> In the One News interview Lange said the apparent death threat was -> made by Quayle during a meeting with the Australian cabinet. -> -> "There were veiled threats and there were specific threats," he said. -> "It was announced at one stage to the Australian cabinet that I would -> have to be liquidated." I assume the United States's attempts to overthrow New Zealand were thwarted by the awesome might of New Zealand. Any attempt to invade New Zealand would be futile because they'd mobilize the sheep. (Magic invisible destroying rod rays won't go through wool.) -> After being informed of the alleged threat -- it is unclear by whom -- -> Lange said he then asked New Zealand's Security Intelligence Service to -> investigate. Gee, the Kiwi version of "The X-Files" must suck. Here in the U.S., the F.B.I. spends all their time chasing monsters that can turn into liquid metal, and other important stuff. Whereas N.Z.'s S.I.S. is a sissy little organization that just keeps an eye on Dan Quayle. "Nope, he's still not within a thousand miles of New Zealand. Now it's naptime for the rest of the show." -- K. But it would still be better than the Kiwi version of Jay Leno's show. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Antarctica gears for Queen's golden jubilee Date: Thu, 28 Mar 2002 23:48:24 GMT l'AFP (via ClariNet) wrote: > > Subject: Antarctica gears for Queen's golden jubilee > > LONDON, March 22 (AFP) - Two dozen British researchers in > Antarctica will light a beacon and don Union Jack bowler hats to > mark the golden jubilee of Queen Elizabeth II, the British Antarctic > Survey (BAS) says. See, the monarchy isn't completely irrelevant -- they still take Her Majesty seriously in Antarctica. It's one of the two most important countries in the British Empire! Do these Union Jack bowler hats come with Benjamin Disraeli masks, one false eyelash, and a white snowsuit with a jockstrap on the outside? If so, I call dibs on making a movie to exploit people's fears of teenage hooligans taking over Antarctica. Today's fun fact: Billy Bob Thornton claims he has a phobia concerning Benjamin Disraeli's hair (which is pretty scary, but I think the hair's been dead long enough that it can't be following him around much.) > The beacon -- a specially-designed gas-fired gadget -- will be > ignited just after the queen gives the official launch to the > jubilee on the evening of June 3 London time. But how will they know when that is? The South Pole is in no particular time zone! In Antarctica, a minute lasts 24 hours, in more ways than one! > The team at Rothera Research Station also hope to stage an > outdoor feast on flag-festooned tables, even though the weather will > be sunless and sub-freezing because it will be the middle of the > Antarctic winter. > "We'll be having the world's southern-most street party," says > BAS spokeswoman Linda Capper. Yeah, but it'll be really boring anyway, what with all those penguins wearing little red bow ties and yellow hats asking how telephones work in voices that sound suspiciously like that guy from "The Nude Bomb". -- K. I wonder if Rothera Research Station's charter is to discover the worst possible party on Earth. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Some mideason sitcom reviews: "Wednesday 9:30", "Andy Richter"... Date: Fri, 29 Mar 2002 09:48:40 GMT Okay, I've finally gotten around to watching the episodes I recorded of three sitcoms that premiered during this exciting time of mid-season emergency replacement throwaway filler sitcoms. And I actually liked one! I apologize for how these reviews aren't the best-organized ones, but that's because I typed 'em up right after watching the shows, and because it's hard to review comedy without simply saying "I liked this aspect of it, I didn't like this aspect of it". (Drama is easier to review in readable form.) Spoilers follow. ------------------------- "Baby Bob" Knew it would suck. It did suck. IT'S BASED ON A FREAKIN' COMPUTER COMMERCIAL! Score: 1 out of 10 ------------------------- "Wednesdays 9:30 (8:30 Central)" I really wanted to like this one, it sounded promising, but it's bad. The show's Web site turned out to be more entertaining than the show. "Wednesdays 9:30 (8:30 Central)" may just about have the worst possible title for a TV sitcom. Not only isn't it even a title, but bad things are going to happen when the network tries to move the show from time slot to time slot in a desperate attempt to save or murder it (with networks, you never can tell which they're trying to do.) The working title was "The Web" (which most people would consider inappropriate) but at least that was a title. "Wednesdays 9:30 (8:30 Central)" probably seemed funny to someone who really liked parts of "Who's On First?" but didn't think they should have put in all those straight lines. Peter Tolan is the creator and executive producer. He was also largely responsible for Garry Shandling's "The Larry Sanders Show" on HBO, and despite the similarity of the two shows -- sitcoms about the behind-the-scenes turmoil in the world of television -- they couldn't have come out more differently. "The Larry Sanders Show" trusted its audience to be smart. It had no laugh track, it was not shot on stage, it did not adhere to conventional sitcom format. It was filmed with hand-held cameras like a documentary, along the lines of "This Is Spinal Tap". And it was usually brilliant. ABC's "Wednesdays 9:30 (8:30 Central)" is the same show after being ruined for a mass audience. It has a laugh track -- a really obnoxious one -- and because it has the laugh track it has to be filmed on stage so that they can pretend you're hearing riotous laughter from actual people. But the laugh track is way too loud, it's incredibly irritating, and worst of all, it's inappropriate for this sort of smartly-written show. Like "The Larry Sanders Show", "Wednesdays 9:30 (8:30 Central)" is not an alternating series of setups and punchlines. It's people saying things that aren't jokes but are funny for other reasons. Or rather, they would be if there wasn't this blatant laugh track stomping on every potentially mildly amusing moment with "HAW! HAW! HAW!" In addition, filming the show on stage (as opposed to the faux documentary approach of "Larry Sanders") gives everything a hokey, stagey feel. The fakeness of the stage scenes is made even more obvious by the occasional scene taking place in the parking lot, etc., which are not restricted to that flat style. Oddly, one such sequence -- the one in the hallway with John Cleese -- had really bad audio compared to the scenes before and after it. Everyone sounded like they were talking into an empty cereal box. I hate it when shows are so inept that they can't even make scenes match, and screwing up the audio is not the sort of thing they would say "Oh, they'll never notice" about on a good show. Ivan Sergei is bland but okay as the lead (who seem to have no particular job in this generic sitcom workplace where people just talk to each other all day); Ed Begley Jr. has a lot of fun as a vicious network executive. That's all I can say that's good about the cast and performances. John Cleese, who has a small role, is clearly not trying at all. The supporting characters are obnoxious insults to the intelligence of any view, as they're extreme one-note stereotypes -- the bitchy career woman, the total brown-nose, and the black woman (her dialogue is all about how she's a black woman, therefore she only talks about how she's a black woman, because she's a black woman -- I bet you're sick of her already and you haven't even seen the show.) These one-joke characters are overacted, which at least provides a contrast to John Cleese's underacting, but it's all bad. Keep in mind that I have always really liked Ed Begley Jr., but when he's the funniest one in an ensemble cast which includes John Cleese, something's wrong. This show needs six or seven Ed Begley Jr.-level talents to keep it afloat, or should at least revolve around Mr. Begley's funny character, but it's mostly an ensemble drama about characters who aren't interesting or funny or likeable. Didn't the producers notice that John Cleese was exuding disdain for this show? Shouldn't that have set off red flags somewhere? HBO did the same show with a better style, a better cast, and an expectation that the audience would be able to find the funny parts by themselves. This could have been a good show had it been filmed like "Larry Sanders" and with the replacement of most of the supporting cast. The concept is good, the writing was mostly above-average (it wasn't one of those ordinary sitcoms where people just take turns insulting each other for no reason, they were actually trying to do character comedy and irony.) But the execution was so terrible that any fun this show might have contained withered up and died, except for a few of Ed Begley Jr.'s moments. Two-thirds of the way through, I lost interest. I've only seen the pilot episode so far, it's possible that successive ones won't be as bad. (The first episode of a sitcom is usually pretty tame compared to the ones they can do once all the characters have been defined.) But I doubt this show can magically transform itself into something which could survive more than a few weeks, between its bad title, bad first episode, and lack of support from ABC. Did you see any promotion for it before it aired? Probably not. But you did see a zillion intrusive ads on Fox for their new show in the same time slot, "Greg The Bunny". I chose not to watch it because it seemed like it would likely be a lamed-down attempt to rip off "TV Funhouse", while "Wednesdays 9:30" seemed like it might have contained actual satire. Unlike "Baby Bob", which I never had any expectation of liking in any way when I watched its atrocious pilot, I thought "Wednesdays" _might_ turn out good, so I feel more let down than I did by other equally bad shows that I _knew_ would be bad. Score: 4 out of 10 ------------------------- "Andy Richter Controls The Universe" Wow! This is the only other mid-season sitcom premiere I was looking forward to. I always liked Andy Richter on "Late Night With Conan O'Brien", I liked him in "Cabin Boy" (yes, the movie was super-stupid, but it was stupid in a _good_ way) and I really liked the over-the-top performance he gave as a guest star in an episode of "Just Shoot Me" (which involved him running through the set yelling "Choose to be super!" with no pants.) Needless to say, he's an acquired taste, like other comedians who specialize in this sort of wacky-goofy-nutty-stupid silliness. And in this case, some guy whose name I should look up before I post this created the perfect vehicle for Andy. Andy probably couldn't carry a whole show by himself (per above comments on Ed Begley, Jr.) but unlike "Wednesdays 9:30" here the whole supporting cast is also funny (again, they wouldn't be great by themselves, but combined they're hilarious.) This sort of show -- a sitcom with lots of fantasy scenes -- has been tried before (HBO's stock-footage-festival "Dream On", Fox's "Herman's Head" and "Ally McBeal" and several other Fox shows) but this one's the first one that really worked for me. That's probably because it's considerably more imaginative than the others, it moves along at a very fast pace, and it's very stylish. Basically, this one gets everything right. I was trying to eat dinner during this show, and I couldn't, because there was so much stuff in this show that I knew that if I looked down at my fork I'd miss something. Half an hour of "Andy Richter" has more stuff in it than two hours of most other sitcoms. It has enough stuff that it should hold up well under repeat viewings. And... no laugh track. The pilot episode had me worried a bit for the first ten minutes that there would be too much narration, as they were being pretty cautious about introducing the concept of "hey, there are fantasy scenes in this show" and doing all the other piloty things like introducing all the characters. But after a little while they dropped that cow and started just going into and out of the fantasy scenes, expecting that you could keep up. Indeed, in the second episode, when a fantasy character from the pilot showed up ("the dead guy who founded the company 150 years ago") they didn't stop to explain, they just did the funny. This is a show which not only assumes the viewers aren't idiots, but actually rewards them for paying attention. There's an unusually large amount of music (in various styles, mostly perky light techno) in "Andy Richter", showing that they worked hard on this sitcom. The soundtrack will probably be a hit (like the "Ally McBeal" CD) and I note that "Andy Richter" knows how to correctly use music -- they play music under the fantasy scenes and so on, but they do not try to use it as a laugh track. (I hate "comedy music".) Obviously people are putting lots of effort into this show -- it's a one-camera show with lots of short scenes on lots of sets, a full musical soundtrack, a fast-paced script, good comedic acting, and so on. Another nice thing about the fantasy scenes: They don't involve video effects. No bluescreen, no computer animation. They involve people doing funny stuff. So, anyway, I'd say this one's a winner. It might even become a classic, a milestone even, if they can maintain the brisk pace of these first two episodes, and if the audience (and network) are willing to tolerate such a slick show. (Given Fox's history with offbeat shows -- they killed "The Ben Stiller Show", they tampered with "Get A Life", and so on -- the survival of "Andy Richter" can't be guaranteed, because it might be TOO clever for Fox.) I hope this show survives, because it's really good. I still miss Andy when I watch Conan's show (Conan's attempts to do two-person comedy pieces like the "SAT analogies" segments by himself aren't very good) but Andy's new show more than makes up for his absence from Conan's. I loved "Andy Richter" from the first scene, a cold opening where the narration told us "This show is about a world-famous foot surgeon... who is four years old... and not very good." Other moments I really liked included Superman crushing an old lady's head into a diamond (gee, that scene felt familiar for some reason, except it was Superman crushing a guy's head into a diamond when I wrote it), every scene with the old guy who founded the company, the scene with the "Power Rangers" stock footage, and a scene where I was impressed that they managed to get a laugh out of a corpse NOT jumping out of the coffin and doing "The Hustle". Oh, the guy who created this show is Victor Fresco. I hadn't heard of him before, but I see he wrote some episodes of "Mad About You" (a show I usually found pleasant enough), plus some shows I didn't watch and he even wrote for the childish "Alf". I get the feeling Andy Richter's show has given him a chance to escape from the normal sitcoms and do stuff he's probably always wanted to do. Either that or he's only finally recovered from the mind-numbing effects of exposure to "Alf". Score: 9 out of 10 ------------------------- "Star Trek 10" "Star Wars: Episode 2" I got to see sneak previews of these two movies due to my impressive Hollywood connections. I don't want to give away too many of the secrets, but I will mention a couple of minor details: Jar Jar's heroic death scene saddened me, because it came so late in the film, and because it was meant to be heroic. Still, even if he had to die fighting Darth Ternet, at least he died. When Wesley Crusher shot Captain Picard with the futuristic crossbow, it looked completely fake. I could tell that wasn't Captain Picard's real head exploding! The other twenty or thirty sequels coming out this summer will probably suck, but "Star Trek 10" and "Star Wars: Episode 2" are the good ones, probably because they've already made so many of those that they've learned how to do it right every time. -- K. I'm trying to decide whether or not you people should be told what other TV shows I like. Only one of them consists entirely of watching candy being made. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Some mideason sitcom reviews: "Wednesday 9:30", "Andy Richter"... Date: Tue, 2 Apr 2002 01:33:50 GMT James Vandenberg (james@vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Baby Bob" > > > > Score: 1 out of 10 > > What did it get the 1 for? Good camerawork? End credits done well? > Catering was good on the set? For the awesome animated title sequence consisting of a still picture of a trapezium with the words "BABY BOB" printed on it in one of those fonts that's designed to look like handwriting but clearly isn't, followed by a closing credit for the company they hired to produce that awesome animated title sequence. Someone got paid a lot of money to draw every frame of that title sequence, all one of them! > > "Andy Richter Controls The Universe" > > > > [...] > > > > Oh, the guy who created this show is Victor Fresco. I hadn't heard of > > him before, but I see he wrote some episodes of "Mad About You" (a show > > I usually found pleasant enough), plus some shows I didn't watch and he > > even wrote for the childish "Alf". I get the feeling Andy Richter's > > show has given him a chance to escape from the normal sitcoms and do > > stuff he's probably always wanted to do. Either that or he's only > > finally recovered from the mind-numbing effects of exposure to "Alf". > > \ / ) > \ / \|/ ) > ----->[ALF]<---- o Psychiatric ) o Medical > / \ -|- patient ) -|- doctor > / \ / \ whose mind needs numbing ) / \ > ) > special > protective > screen > > Is this what you mean? Why are you attacking a useful treatment option? It's only useful in a relative sense, in that the only thing that can be cured by having your mind numbed with "Alf" is having three swizzle sticks popping out of the top of your skull whenever you watch TV. Or is that guy just supposed to have the sort of hair that Bozo would have if he were embedded in hyperbolic space? Curse you, Steven Wolfram, for your ever-ceasing efforts to make Bozo pointier! Bozo is already too dangerous for small children! -- K. I just know this is going to start a serious discussion about non-Euclidean geometry unless I hurry up and say something like... um... diarrhea! Diarrhea trumps math! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: fake handwriting fonts (was: Some mideason sitcom reviews) Date: Wed, 3 Apr 2002 03:09:17 GMT Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > For the awesome animated title sequence consisting of a still picture > > of a trapezium with the words "BABY BOB" printed on it in one of those > > fonts that's designed to look like handwriting but clearly isn't, > > Those are my least favorite of all fonts. Would the Constitution > allow us to ban those fonts? By the way, Kibo, can you name all the > fonts used on the clicky-links on this educational Web page? > > http://members.aol.com/JesusImages/ > > Particularly the one listing the important occupation of "french > horn". (I'm going to try this without looking any of these up, so all these details are from memory, and I could make tiny errors at some points, especially because my fingers are freezing at this bus stop.) I see Roger Excoffon's Mistral at the top, one of the very best faux-casual script fonts. It's really a brilliant design -- everything links up and everything is simplified to the point of the letters being unrecognizable out of context, but joined into words they somehow looks natural. "Carpet Layer" is in Microsoft's Comic Sans, one of those fonts nobody should ever use -- because it comes with every computer in the world. It's also my least favorite fake handwriting font of all time. It's terrible as handwriting (give that it has super-clean rounded strokes with a perfectly uniform thickness, like the letters are made out of garden hoses) and it's terrible as a font (some of the letters are atrocious -- note how the "a" is practically an "o".) "Draftsman" is in some variant of Morris Benton's News Gothic Condensed (or possibly Linotype's knockoff of it named Trade Gothic.) I've always liked News Gothic, although some of the digital versions are rather lame compared to the original. "Golfer" is in ITC Snap, which is a font that ITC has occasionally given away for free, I assume because it's so hideous that nobody would buy it. "Welder" is ITC Beesknees (by Mark Jamra, if I remember correctly) which has an interesting sort of Art Deco poster style. Compare the two and note how one is just plain sloppy while the other is playful. "Bank Teller" is Arial, one of the fonts that comes with the computer. It's a lame sans-serif designed to be the same width as Helvetica (but not even as good a design.) Ecch. "Insurance Agent" is Monotype's Albertus, best known among TV fanboys as the font used on all the evil signs in "The Prisoner". (Actually the letters in "The Prisoner" were heavily modified, but _some_ of them were Albertus letters.) Berthold Wolpe designed Albertus in the 1930s. "Farmer" is ugly ITC Snap _again_. "French Horn" is one of several nearly identical uncial fonts by Victor Hammer, most likely American Uncial. They're very good designs, part of his lifelong desire to create uncial-ish alphabets that could also be used as plain text faces. "Surgeon" is Monotype's Castellar, which is a hollow font and pretty much disappears when used at small, blurry sizes like this. "Secretary" is Times New Roman Bold, which came with Arial and Comic Sans and should have been ignored with Arial and Comic Sans. "Barber" is one of the more toothless versions of Letter Gothic (such as Adobe's or Monotype's), as opposed to the better, heavier one from Bitstream. "Student" is another typewriter font, one of the all-too-many Couriers in the world. "Truck Driver" is that very old stencil font just called (public-domain) "Stencil" by every font house. "Guitarist" is Letraset's Data 70. There are a lot of other "computery" fonts, and Data 70 is one of the worst. (The "D" and "O" are both squares.) It's one of the few to have lowercase, even though it shouldn't. "Preacher" and "Organist" are in one of those generic modernized pseudo-blackletter fonts like Morris Benton's Wedding Text or Cloister Black. These are often called "Old English" for no particular reason except that they're several decades old and you can print English with them. In this case, they're the only fonts with jagged edges on this page, suggesting that maybe someone forgot to install the printer font file along with the screen font file. "Forest Ranger", "Dental Assistant" and "Veterinarian" are in one of the many recent fonts where some designer digitized his or her own handwriting. I don't know all of these offhand, but you've gotta admit this is one of the better ones, because someone had good handwriting to start with (not too spastic for a font) and it wasn't overly-sanitized when they were making it into a font. "Executive" must be one of Berthold's zillions of copperplate scripts, probably a Poppl or Lange design. Berthold are about the only people to sells lots of classy script fonts with real swash capitals. American companies like to sell fonts where the capitals can be used together for PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO SHOUT. Berthold's script fonts tend to have capitals that can only go at the start of words. They have a lot of these old-fashioned copperplate scripts. Letraset's Balmoral (cloned from Baltimore Script) is the only American copperplate script font I know offhand with that sort of capitals, and this one isn't Balmoral. "Fisherman" is one of Monotype's or Berthold's less-popular scripts, I've seen it before but I forget the name. Some sort of fat flabby script. "Cook", "Artist", "Juggler" I don't know. Sloppy, bad handwriting fonts. These are the sorts you get in shrink-wrap, $20 for 50. Compare the amount of effort Roger Excoffon put into drawing Mistral (the biggest font on the page) with "Juggler", where someone just wrote out one alphabet as quickly as possible, plopped it down on a flatbed scanner, and hit the "autotrace" button. The only detail I don't like in Mistral is the perfectly horizontal crossbar on the "t", it looks too geometric, but it had to be so in order for "tt" to make a natural-looking ligature. (The original version of Mistral had actual two-letter logotypes for combinations like "st", but of course the digital versions just have an alphabet.) Note how naturally the Mistral letters link together even though it's meant to look very casual, and how easy it is to read despite the individual letters having such gestural shapes (look at "a", which is open at the top, or "i", which is just a little kink with a dot over it.) I'm surprised the designer of this page didn't throw in any really bizarre fonts (like Paper Clip or Block Up or whatever.) This is actually a fairly restrained typographic salad. Probably they were limited to the fonts that came with Windows and WordPerfect, or something. > (I like the picture of Jesus contemplatively observing the > astonishing vertical growth of the forest ranger's head. If that > were the *real* Jesus, like the one played on the index page by > Keanu Reeves, then he would be doing something about it, not just > watching. That's how you can tell that a Jesus made of graphite > scratchin's on a computer monitor screen is not for worshipping!) I also notice that the forest ranger isn't planting a tree, he's cutting into a tree. Probably keeps trying to enforce bizarre rules about bears having to wear hats and not touch pic-a-nic baskets too. Jesus must hang out with that forest ranger a lot. They clearly go to the same facial-hair stylist. The difference is that Jesus has to sit in the "tall forehead" chair and the other guy has to sit in the little fire engine reserved for men who have saggy, deflated foreheads. He needs a padded hairpiece to make his head a normal shape, although you'd have to glue it on real good to keep it from sliding down his face. Still, the drawings aren't bad in general, in fact, they're pretty good, especially for a self-taught artist. They're certainly better pictures of Jesus than I could draw. Every time I try drawing Jesus he comes out looking like a giant robot firing rocket-propelled fists at a giant dinosaur. Oh, and in the background, there are TIE Fighters dropping bombs on gym teachers. -- K. This is okay because gym teachers aren't on the list of people Jesus hangs around. But I wouldn't dare cross a Juggler or professional French Horn. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Some mideason sitcom reviews: "Wednesday 9:30", "Andy Richter"... Date: Tue, 2 Apr 2002 01:09:34 GMT Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [concerning TV shows that I like] > > > > Only one of them consists entirely of watching candy being made. > > Not the one hosted by the guy who used to host Nickelodeon's "Double > Dare", right? > > I wouldn't eat any candy that was made on "Double Dare". Is that where they found that tall-faced guy who won't stop smiling while he's posing next to candy he's pretending he's about to eat when the episode's over when you can tell he's really just going to go home and eat stupid vegetables? The show I'm thinking of is the Food Network's "Unwrapped", which is about 90% footage of machines that make candy. (My favorite so far is the machine that makes those awful Necco SkyBars.) Seeing candy being made is fascinating and revolting at the same time, even though there aren't any Oompa-Loompas involved. (Nor is the chocolate represented by bright orange water like in that movie.) I like it whenever they show the candy going through the metal detector to remove the boxes of Mike & Ike that contain large metal fragments. Of course I know that this is a standard safety procedure in all food manufacturing (this is why the workers have to wear those bright blue Band-Aids with the metal strip inside, to make it easy to see and/or detect the severed fingers that get whisked down the assembly line) but "Unwrapped" only points out this feature at a few factories, suggesting that either only Mike & Ike candies ever get made with jagged metal shards but they all get removed, or else Mike & Ike are the only candies never to contain any metal shards and all other candies are made in disgusting, shard-and-finger-filled factories which don't care whether you bite into a delicious, chewy gumdrop or a lapel pin that was awarded to the worker with the most remaining fingers. "Double Dare", by the way, always amused me with that voice-over which was supposed to reassure us that they weren't wasting food that could solve the world's hunger problems: "All the food used on 'Double Dare' is food which is no longer edible!" In other words, it's not intellectually offensive to see people go down a slide into a vat of peanut butter as long as it's rancid. -- K. Then they dump that vat into the SkyBar machine. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: candy compulsive disorders (was: Re: Some mideason sitcom reviews) Date: Tue, 2 Apr 2002 06:34:55 GMT Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > > > > > Not the one hosted by the guy who used to host Nickelodeon's > > > "Double Dare", right? > > > > Is that where they found that tall-faced guy who won't stop > > smiling while he's posing next to candy he's pretending he's about > > to eat when the episode's over when you can tell he's really just > > going to go home and eat stupid vegetables? > > The same. Marc Summers has gone from pretending to be grossed out by a > kid in a vat of chocolate syrup to pretending not to be grossed out by > a bowl of Hershey's miniatures. Hmm. You don't suppose that "Unwrapped" is just made out of leftover footage from "Super Sloppy Double Dare" during the season they tried to change the format to "Super Educational Film Style Double Dare", do you? I never get tired of watching the chocolate jimmies moving down the conveyor belt into the annealing vat. I wish I had an annealing vat. And some impellers. Also at tollbooths instead of charging per axle they should charge by the impeller if you're driving a tanker truck filled with chocolate jimmies dissolved in polarized light. I wish every town had a Scientific Industrial Propaganda Museum. Of course, not all of them would be as good as my local one (which has Dean Kamen riding his scooter around under glass, and an actual replica of the Big Dig you can pretend you're looking at, and proof that you should spend all day worrying about testing your home for radon, and a video that conclusively proves it couldn't possibly be the mayor's fault there's a water shortage) and in fact some of them might even be as lame as the Providence Children's Museum but still everyone needs to be exposed to more dioramas. Most people do not get their daily dose of dioramas, or get to learn what happens when they throw money into a giant funnel. "Wiblur the Once" (jchapman@aros.net) wrote: > > In a moment of total boredom, I watched a bio-show about Marc Summers. > He was saying that he has an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder involving > cleanliness (he is constantly washing his hands, etc.). He said hosting > Double Dare nearly drove him insane (although I think he was insane for > agreeing to do the show in the first place, disorder or not). So, > perhaps he wasn't pretending to be grossed out by the kid in the chocolate. That explains why he reminds me of Howie Mandel, only without the rubber glove over his head. And why he always holds the wrapped candy bars so gingerly. Not unlike that woman I encountered about three years ago: ////////// RE-RUN FOLLOWS ////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Why Do I Keep Going To This Supermarket? Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: December 28, 1998 Okay, I thought that rant I wrote earlier today about the tomato soup commercial was going to be the most rant-like thing I wrote today, saving me from becoming The Secret Square in the Nolan Rant Graph: UNIMPORTANT IMPORTANT +-----------------+----------------+ | | | FUNNY | Dennis Miller | Lenny Bruce | | | | +-----------------+----------------+ | | | NOT FUNNY | Dennis Leary | Adolf Hitler | | | | +-----------------+----------------+ ...but then I went to the Prudential Star Market (not to buy tomato soup) and something rantworthy happened. Let's wind up to the stupid event with a side trip down memory lane. I arrived at the supermarket around 11:25 P.M. on Sunday night, which is always a mistake. When I tried to pass through the little magazine aisle, there were two people standing there reading the magazines leisurely. (Apparently people are desperate enough for entertainment that they go to the supermarket to read magazines around midnight on Sundays.) According to the laws of bozo distribution, one of these two people was standing directly in front of the middle of the magazine rack, while the other was careful to stand on the opposite side of the aisle from the magazine rack, i.e. directly behind the other bozo, blocking the aisle completely. As I forced my cart between these people (because most of the good food is behind the magazines, which occupy the joint in the L-shaped supermarket) I made a mental note that I would have to stop shopping just before midnight on Sundays because that's the time of the week when the supermarket is the least crowded except that all the people who are there are complete and total morons. Then I realized that I was also there, but this didn't really apply to me because I was smart enough to call the other people bozos here. Anyway, it made me remember the horrible experiences I've had waiting in line (at the only checkout counter of twelve which stays open at midnight on Sundays), such as the time I was behind the francophone jerk. You may recall that about two months ago I wrote about the cardboard "DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR"s at the Prudential Star Market and how the French-Canadian bozeau pushed the divider away from his groceries and towards mine so that he might claim a larger buffer zone between his groceries and the buffer between his groceries and my groceries. Another experience I had waiting in that line at that time of night was to have the unfortunate luck to be directly behind the guy who I thought had to be the worst-smelling person in Boston. (I never told you about him because I have since learned I was wrong about him.) Anyway, I progressed past the extremely minor irritation of the people blocking the magazine aisle and did my shopping. Two skinny gals who spent the entire time arguing over the number of servings in a tub of yogurt kept appearing everywhere I wanted to be, unsure of which way they wanted to go (did they want to cut in front of me to make a left turn? No, they wanted to cut in front of me to make a three-point U-turn. Twice.) And the market smelled like cheesy vomit because apparently they were cooking stinky cheese around midnight. Nevertheless, I managed to finish my shopping, and got in the only functioning checkout line around 11:40 P.M. The two gals (who were still bickering) were being checked out, and there was a middle-aged woman behind them, and I was behind her. She turned around and stared at the contents of my grocery basket for a full thirty seconds before going back to facing the right way. Then a little while later she turned to me and said with a smile, "It's gonna be a long wait. Have patience." I gave her a noncommital smile (one Berne-style stroke returned, a single quantum of attention) and she turned back towards her cart. Little did I know the import of her warning. I assumed she was with the yogurt people because she didn't put any groceries on the conveyor belt and was pushing a cart which appeared to be empty, except for some wadded-up empty plastic bags in the back (you know, the rumble seat where the toddlers won't stay.) She also had one of those boxes containing a roll of plastic bags, presumably swiped from a previous trip through the checkout line. So since I assumed she was with the people ahead of her who had visible groceries, I put my stuff on the belt. I don't like to wash dishes, so I was buying some paper plates and some disposable plastic bowls, which I set on top of the paper plates. (I pay extra to get the plastic ones because none of the plastic-laminated-paper ones are even remotely soup-proof.) The woman ahead of me turns and stares at my groceries again. "Are those plastic?" she asked. "Yeah," I replied wittily. She went back to facing front. Then she turned around again. "They look like paper," she said of the blood-red plastic bowls sparkling in the bright lights of the night-time supermarket. "Yeah," I rejoindered. She faced front again. She turned around again. "The ones under 'em, they're paper, right?" "Yeah," I volunteered. With that, our conversation thankfully self-terminated. It is always awkward when strangers (or clerks) make conversation about your groceries (and even worse when the next time you bump into them they remember your previous groceries and ask why you're not buying XYZ Egg Rolls this week) and stupid questions along the general lines of "ARE THOSE SHINY RED PLASTIC BOWLS PLASTIC OR TISSUE PAPER?" don't help. The yogurt twins had been checked out, and the clerk ran the conveyor belt forward to bring my groceries up to the line of scrimmage. But it turned out that the mystery woman did indeed have groceries to ring up, pointing out to the confused clerk who was trying to ring up my food that she had a candy bar. She held out the candy bar (a one-pound Cadbury With Almonds) and quietly said, "You can keep this one, but I need the others back." An interesting demonstration of the power of human bozosity followed. After the clerk scanned the Cadbury bar and put it in a bag, Mystery Woman proceeded to hand the clerk a series of other items, which had been individually wrapped in clear plastic bags. The clerk was required to scan them and then hand them back. None of the food was allowed to touch the belt or the clerk. I noticed that Mystery Woman was wearing disposable rubber gloves. Aha, you're saying to yourself, I know the type. She's slightly crazy in a harmless little way -- obsessed with personal cleanliness. Sorry, that scores as a buzzer. The real punchline is: This woman smelled far, far, far worse than any other odor I have ever smelled! She smelled worse than it was physically possible for her to smell. Even if he had had long fingernails, Superman could not have clawed through the tightly-knit web of squiggly stink lines to save Lois Lane's baby from Hitler. If I had filmed this woman, a close study of the footage would have revealed her to be emitting three to five glowing, tightly collimated beams of coherent smell in different directions in every frame like a "Star Trek" photon torpedo made of concentrated smell. You could have cut her Odor Cloud with a knife provided the knife was made of noncorrosive polyethylene. Her aroma was beyond all human concepts of smell, a smell so strong that it warped the space-time continuum. This woman was stinky-poo and I don't just mean stinky-cheese or stinky-asafetida but stinky-POO. In fact, near her, I couldn't even smell the barfy cheese smell that permeated the market. Being near her made me want to start frantically rubbing my entire body with scented toilet paper. It was like being in a jail cell made entirely of poo. Summoning all my stamina, I prevented myself from flushing the giant invisible toilet this woman lived in as the clerk asked her if she had a Star Advantage Card. "I thought about bringing it," said Stinky-Poo, "...but I didn't." I noticed that her disposable rubber gloves were filthy. The clerk pushed the buttons that correspond to the imaginary Star Advantage Card number which is used for anyone who says they have a card but doesn't (everyone gets the discount, except for people who say "What's a card?") and the woman paid, then the clerk tried to hand her the bag she'd put the Cadbury bar into. "I don't want it," said Stink-O, "That was just for you to scan, I've got another one here." This explains why the candy bar was the only thing not shrouded in plastic bags from her personal stash: she had gotten a duplicate for the clerk to touch. Because grocery clerks obviously have more germs than Filthy Disgusting Odor Woman. It was the longest, stinkiest wait I've ever had in a line that short. Anyway, I need to stop shopping for groceries late at night on weekends. And the next time I'm in that market, I'm going to bring along my stamp pad and put big black fingerprints all over all the candy bars. -- K. Incidentally, I'm still wondering what would happen if Zeno showed up next to the francophone bozeau and started putting "DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR" bars between his groceries and the other "DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR" bar. ////////// RE-RUN ENDS HERE //////////////////////////////////////////////// I think that maybe it would be the most special episode ever if we somehow got that woman to be a surprise walk-on guest on "Unwrapped". But please, don't invent smellovision until after we do that. -- K. I really didn't do a good enough job explaining how badly she smelled. Imagine her whole body was a sponge and she'd soaked up all the raw sewage in the world and was squirting a constant stream of it directly into your brain. Know how they add mercaptan to natural gas so you can smell gas leaks? Well, to guard against leaks at the mercaptan plant, they could add this woman to the mercaptan. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Some mideason sitcom reviews: "Wednesday 9:30", "Andy Richter"... Date: Tue, 2 Apr 2002 00:58:46 GMT Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Star Wars: Episode 2" > > > > I got to see sneak previews [...] > > > > Jar Jar's heroic death scene saddened me, because it came so late in > > the film, and because it was meant to be heroic. Still, even if he > > had to die fighting Darth Ternet, at least he died. > > Oh don't you worry, he didn't die. True, it looks like Darth Ternet > slashed all the way through Jar Jar's throat with his light saber, but Jar > Jar does get healed partially in time for the third movie. Unfortunately, > he is so despondent at the near complete loss of speech and disfigurement > of his face that he gets some super cool space armor to cover himself and > becomes a bounty hunter known as Boba Fett (a character whose face we never > see in the later movies AND he only says about one line per film). Hmm. This supports my theory that General "I've Got A Wide Wide Head" from "Dark Forces" is NOT Boba Fett. > At least, that's what I'm hoping happens. After all the complaints > regarding the N*Sync Jedi Posse, the dopey title of the second film, and > all things Jar Jar, I've decided that I'm rather enjoying watching George > Lucas playing his game of "Pissing Off Fanboys for Laughs and Profit". In my forthcoming Very Very Super Special Edition release of "Star Wars: Episode 1", I have digitally