Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The dayroom delema Date: Tue, 2 Apr 2002 00:23:39 GMT Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > http://explorer.msn.com > bed n bath.JPG (jpeg attachment) > day rooms.JPG (jpeg attachment) > But fefor you fall out of your seat . These rooms do have shadows . > And thats a flat pc > wireless on te desk there. Nice pic on the pc ! > But who the fuck makes those ?? Did it exsist 3 years ago ? The pic > was e mailed 2 years ago. Wait a minute ,,the bridge has viewers but > no buttons . You must speak very clearly becase having no keyboard and > trying to speak is nuts because it will wite what you say how you say. > See that coffie pot ? How dose that work ? Isnt anything on the > ship just like earth ???? nope ,,closer than twinns but not. > Its easy 100 years ahead of you. > Anyone want to talk about clear steel dead murcury and spinning supper > slick supper conductors with laser beams to lower the energy rates of > free space again ? > LMFAO > e mail if you lost the pics or have not seen the inside of te ship yet. > I told them I was looking for jesus and could find a drop of blood on > the shroud and so I will bring him back unless you beat me to it . No > matter thow . He is with you al and any drop of blood is as good as > gods. I like your idea of Spinning Supper. I'm going to write to Swanson's and suggest that they make special Spinning Supper dinners which will use the turntable in the microwave oven to hurl the food into my mouth. Since I don't have a microwave with a turntable, they'll have to get other people's microwaves to throw the food really far. If there is some technical reason that Spinning Supper can't throw free salisbury steaks at me from other people's homes, then I suggest that the Spinning Suppers could be thrown at charities. Other than that, I'm not sure what you're talking about. Assuming you _are_ talking about, and not just talking. Could you please draw me a diagram of all that stuff? Omit nothing. Use both sides if necessary. Press hard, you are making four copies. Now please circle the weirdest copy, assuming they are all identical. -- K. Does Spinning Supper come with Dancing Dessert? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Blimp in Outer Space Date: Tue, 2 Apr 2002 00:32:18 GMT Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium in sci.physics, "G=EMC^2 Glazier" (herbertglazier@webtv.net) wrote: > > I read that the Good Year blimp when not inflated only takes up a 6 > foot square area. Now it the shuttle took say 6 of them and > they were inflated in orbit,and joined together.How bad an idea is that. Bad idea, because we wouldn't be able to read the ads if they were up that high. > Its a one shot deal. If they were more spread out it would take six shots to bring them all down. > Best regards to all Herb I think the best avenue of research would be to find a gas lighter than space so that the blimps would keep going up, even when in outer space. This would, of course, disprove that old theory that there is no "up" or "down" in space. But if there's no up in space, why do we launch rockets _up_, smart guy? -- K. If the outside of the blimp is only six feet square, then we should leave it behind and just launch the good part of the blimp. I say blimps should be all inside! Someday I will conquer the world with my fleet of skinless blimps! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Some mideason sitcom reviews: "Wednesday 9:30", "Andy Richter"... Date: Tue, 2 Apr 2002 00:58:46 GMT Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Star Wars: Episode 2" > > > > I got to see sneak previews [...] > > > > Jar Jar's heroic death scene saddened me, because it came so late in > > the film, and because it was meant to be heroic. Still, even if he > > had to die fighting Darth Ternet, at least he died. > > Oh don't you worry, he didn't die. True, it looks like Darth Ternet > slashed all the way through Jar Jar's throat with his light saber, but Jar > Jar does get healed partially in time for the third movie. Unfortunately, > he is so despondent at the near complete loss of speech and disfigurement > of his face that he gets some super cool space armor to cover himself and > becomes a bounty hunter known as Boba Fett (a character whose face we never > see in the later movies AND he only says about one line per film). Hmm. This supports my theory that General "I've Got A Wide Wide Head" from "Dark Forces" is NOT Boba Fett. > At least, that's what I'm hoping happens. After all the complaints > regarding the N*Sync Jedi Posse, the dopey title of the second film, and > all things Jar Jar, I've decided that I'm rather enjoying watching George > Lucas playing his game of "Pissing Off Fanboys for Laughs and Profit". In my forthcoming Very Very Super Special Edition release of "Star Wars: Episode 1", I have digitally removed Jar Jar, replaced him with Steve Oedekerk's thumb, then removed Steve Oedekerk and replaced him with Bob Odenkirk, and then replaced Bob Odenkirk with Bob Odenpicard, and then replaced the rest of the characters with other "Star Trek: The Next Generation" characters from that fold-out mural used to promote the "Star Trek: The Next Generation" DVDs which means that there is a giant Picard in most scenes with a microscopic Wesley hovering behind his left ear, whispering things like "Let Wesley fire the torpedoes... Let Wesley fire the torpedoes..." > -- Schwa --- You misspelled "thorn". Everyone knows that Tiny Wesley is always accompanied by his travelling thorn. I don't want to give away any more spoilers, so I'll just say that the crod, the wynn, and the yogh do play important roles in the forthcoming Old English Edition of "Star Wars". If you don't believe me, take apart your DVD player and look at the country codes it knows and there's one for "Old English". Of course DVD players in North America aren't allowed to play Old English DVDs, you have to have a DVD player which has been hacked to make it region-free, and you have to set the clock to before 1066. > How does Boba Fett die in "Return of the Jedi"? He falls into a giant > mouth. Sounds like Jar Jar's wacky clumsy antics to me. I'm still wondering about that line about how the Sarlacc will somehow keep him alive for a thousand years as it digests him. Does this mean that he could escape at any time during the next five hundred sequels? -- K. To save the environment, I only buy DVDs that don't have excess packaging. It was nice of them to make Wesley's head so tiny, but they should have shrunk everyone else's too so as not to destroy the environment by wasting so much ink on Commander Riker. Except for the episode in which they dipped his whole body in black printer's ink mixed with Metamucil. That was a fine idea and should have led to a spin-off series, "Riker's Toxic Ink Gunge Plus A Laxative Surprise!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Some mideason sitcom reviews: "Wednesday 9:30", "Andy Richter"... Date: Tue, 2 Apr 2002 01:33:50 GMT James Vandenberg (james@vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Baby Bob" > > > > Score: 1 out of 10 > > What did it get the 1 for? Good camerawork? End credits done well? > Catering was good on the set? For the awesome animated title sequence consisting of a still picture of a trapezium with the words "BABY BOB" printed on it in one of those fonts that's designed to look like handwriting but clearly isn't, followed by a closing credit for the company they hired to produce that awesome animated title sequence. Someone got paid a lot of money to draw every frame of that title sequence, all one of them! > > "Andy Richter Controls The Universe" > > > > [...] > > > > Oh, the guy who created this show is Victor Fresco. I hadn't heard of > > him before, but I see he wrote some episodes of "Mad About You" (a show > > I usually found pleasant enough), plus some shows I didn't watch and he > > even wrote for the childish "Alf". I get the feeling Andy Richter's > > show has given him a chance to escape from the normal sitcoms and do > > stuff he's probably always wanted to do. Either that or he's only > > finally recovered from the mind-numbing effects of exposure to "Alf". > > \ / ) > \ / \|/ ) > ----->[ALF]<---- o Psychiatric ) o Medical > / \ -|- patient ) -|- doctor > / \ / \ whose mind needs numbing ) / \ > ) > special > protective > screen > > Is this what you mean? Why are you attacking a useful treatment option? It's only useful in a relative sense, in that the only thing that can be cured by having your mind numbed with "Alf" is having three swizzle sticks popping out of the top of your skull whenever you watch TV. Or is that guy just supposed to have the sort of hair that Bozo would have if he were embedded in hyperbolic space? Curse you, Steven Wolfram, for your ever-ceasing efforts to make Bozo pointier! Bozo is already too dangerous for small children! -- K. I just know this is going to start a serious discussion about non-Euclidean geometry unless I hurry up and say something like... um... diarrhea! Diarrhea trumps math! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: fake handwriting fonts (was: Some mideason sitcom reviews) Date: Wed, 3 Apr 2002 03:09:17 GMT Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > For the awesome animated title sequence consisting of a still picture > > of a trapezium with the words "BABY BOB" printed on it in one of those > > fonts that's designed to look like handwriting but clearly isn't, > > Those are my least favorite of all fonts. Would the Constitution > allow us to ban those fonts? By the way, Kibo, can you name all the > fonts used on the clicky-links on this educational Web page? > > http://members.aol.com/JesusImages/ > > Particularly the one listing the important occupation of "french > horn". (I'm going to try this without looking any of these up, so all these details are from memory, and I could make tiny errors at some points, especially because my fingers are freezing at this bus stop.) I see Roger Excoffon's Mistral at the top, one of the very best faux-casual script fonts. It's really a brilliant design -- everything links up and everything is simplified to the point of the letters being unrecognizable out of context, but joined into words they somehow looks natural. "Carpet Layer" is in Microsoft's Comic Sans, one of those fonts nobody should ever use -- because it comes with every computer in the world. It's also my least favorite fake handwriting font of all time. It's terrible as handwriting (give that it has super-clean rounded strokes with a perfectly uniform thickness, like the letters are made out of garden hoses) and it's terrible as a font (some of the letters are atrocious -- note how the "a" is practically an "o".) "Draftsman" is in some variant of Morris Benton's News Gothic Condensed (or possibly Linotype's knockoff of it named Trade Gothic.) I've always liked News Gothic, although some of the digital versions are rather lame compared to the original. "Golfer" is in ITC Snap, which is a font that ITC has occasionally given away for free, I assume because it's so hideous that nobody would buy it. "Welder" is ITC Beesknees (by Mark Jamra, if I remember correctly) which has an interesting sort of Art Deco poster style. Compare the two and note how one is just plain sloppy while the other is playful. "Bank Teller" is Arial, one of the fonts that comes with the computer. It's a lame sans-serif designed to be the same width as Helvetica (but not even as good a design.) Ecch. "Insurance Agent" is Monotype's Albertus, best known among TV fanboys as the font used on all the evil signs in "The Prisoner". (Actually the letters in "The Prisoner" were heavily modified, but _some_ of them were Albertus letters.) Berthold Wolpe designed Albertus in the 1930s. "Farmer" is ugly ITC Snap _again_. "French Horn" is one of several nearly identical uncial fonts by Victor Hammer, most likely American Uncial. They're very good designs, part of his lifelong desire to create uncial-ish alphabets that could also be used as plain text faces. "Surgeon" is Monotype's Castellar, which is a hollow font and pretty much disappears when used at small, blurry sizes like this. "Secretary" is Times New Roman Bold, which came with Arial and Comic Sans and should have been ignored with Arial and Comic Sans. "Barber" is one of the more toothless versions of Letter Gothic (such as Adobe's or Monotype's), as opposed to the better, heavier one from Bitstream. "Student" is another typewriter font, one of the all-too-many Couriers in the world. "Truck Driver" is that very old stencil font just called (public-domain) "Stencil" by every font house. "Guitarist" is Letraset's Data 70. There are a lot of other "computery" fonts, and Data 70 is one of the worst. (The "D" and "O" are both squares.) It's one of the few to have lowercase, even though it shouldn't. "Preacher" and "Organist" are in one of those generic modernized pseudo-blackletter fonts like Morris Benton's Wedding Text or Cloister Black. These are often called "Old English" for no particular reason except that they're several decades old and you can print English with them. In this case, they're the only fonts with jagged edges on this page, suggesting that maybe someone forgot to install the printer font file along with the screen font file. "Forest Ranger", "Dental Assistant" and "Veterinarian" are in one of the many recent fonts where some designer digitized his or her own handwriting. I don't know all of these offhand, but you've gotta admit this is one of the better ones, because someone had good handwriting to start with (not too spastic for a font) and it wasn't overly-sanitized when they were making it into a font. "Executive" must be one of Berthold's zillions of copperplate scripts, probably a Poppl or Lange design. Berthold are about the only people to sells lots of classy script fonts with real swash capitals. American companies like to sell fonts where the capitals can be used together for PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO SHOUT. Berthold's script fonts tend to have capitals that can only go at the start of words. They have a lot of these old-fashioned copperplate scripts. Letraset's Balmoral (cloned from Baltimore Script) is the only American copperplate script font I know offhand with that sort of capitals, and this one isn't Balmoral. "Fisherman" is one of Monotype's or Berthold's less-popular scripts, I've seen it before but I forget the name. Some sort of fat flabby script. "Cook", "Artist", "Juggler" I don't know. Sloppy, bad handwriting fonts. These are the sorts you get in shrink-wrap, $20 for 50. Compare the amount of effort Roger Excoffon put into drawing Mistral (the biggest font on the page) with "Juggler", where someone just wrote out one alphabet as quickly as possible, plopped it down on a flatbed scanner, and hit the "autotrace" button. The only detail I don't like in Mistral is the perfectly horizontal crossbar on the "t", it looks too geometric, but it had to be so in order for "tt" to make a natural-looking ligature. (The original version of Mistral had actual two-letter logotypes for combinations like "st", but of course the digital versions just have an alphabet.) Note how naturally the Mistral letters link together even though it's meant to look very casual, and how easy it is to read despite the individual letters having such gestural shapes (look at "a", which is open at the top, or "i", which is just a little kink with a dot over it.) I'm surprised the designer of this page didn't throw in any really bizarre fonts (like Paper Clip or Block Up or whatever.) This is actually a fairly restrained typographic salad. Probably they were limited to the fonts that came with Windows and WordPerfect, or something. > (I like the picture of Jesus contemplatively observing the > astonishing vertical growth of the forest ranger's head. If that > were the *real* Jesus, like the one played on the index page by > Keanu Reeves, then he would be doing something about it, not just > watching. That's how you can tell that a Jesus made of graphite > scratchin's on a computer monitor screen is not for worshipping!) I also notice that the forest ranger isn't planting a tree, he's cutting into a tree. Probably keeps trying to enforce bizarre rules about bears having to wear hats and not touch pic-a-nic baskets too. Jesus must hang out with that forest ranger a lot. They clearly go to the same facial-hair stylist. The difference is that Jesus has to sit in the "tall forehead" chair and the other guy has to sit in the little fire engine reserved for men who have saggy, deflated foreheads. He needs a padded hairpiece to make his head a normal shape, although you'd have to glue it on real good to keep it from sliding down his face. Still, the drawings aren't bad in general, in fact, they're pretty good, especially for a self-taught artist. They're certainly better pictures of Jesus than I could draw. Every time I try drawing Jesus he comes out looking like a giant robot firing rocket-propelled fists at a giant dinosaur. Oh, and in the background, there are TIE Fighters dropping bombs on gym teachers. -- K. This is okay because gym teachers aren't on the list of people Jesus hangs around. But I wouldn't dare cross a Juggler or professional French Horn. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Some mideason sitcom reviews: "Wednesday 9:30", "Andy Richter"... Date: Tue, 2 Apr 2002 01:09:34 GMT Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [concerning TV shows that I like] > > > > Only one of them consists entirely of watching candy being made. > > Not the one hosted by the guy who used to host Nickelodeon's "Double > Dare", right? > > I wouldn't eat any candy that was made on "Double Dare". Is that where they found that tall-faced guy who won't stop smiling while he's posing next to candy he's pretending he's about to eat when the episode's over when you can tell he's really just going to go home and eat stupid vegetables? The show I'm thinking of is the Food Network's "Unwrapped", which is about 90% footage of machines that make candy. (My favorite so far is the machine that makes those awful Necco SkyBars.) Seeing candy being made is fascinating and revolting at the same time, even though there aren't any Oompa-Loompas involved. (Nor is the chocolate represented by bright orange water like in that movie.) I like it whenever they show the candy going through the metal detector to remove the boxes of Mike & Ike that contain large metal fragments. Of course I know that this is a standard safety procedure in all food manufacturing (this is why the workers have to wear those bright blue Band-Aids with the metal strip inside, to make it easy to see and/or detect the severed fingers that get whisked down the assembly line) but "Unwrapped" only points out this feature at a few factories, suggesting that either only Mike & Ike candies ever get made with jagged metal shards but they all get removed, or else Mike & Ike are the only candies never to contain any metal shards and all other candies are made in disgusting, shard-and-finger-filled factories which don't care whether you bite into a delicious, chewy gumdrop or a lapel pin that was awarded to the worker with the most remaining fingers. "Double Dare", by the way, always amused me with that voice-over which was supposed to reassure us that they weren't wasting food that could solve the world's hunger problems: "All the food used on 'Double Dare' is food which is no longer edible!" In other words, it's not intellectually offensive to see people go down a slide into a vat of peanut butter as long as it's rancid. -- K. Then they dump that vat into the SkyBar machine. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tasteless,alt.tv.game-shows From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Just Like Mom (was Double Dare) Date: Sat, 6 Apr 2002 04:11:49 GMT "extempore" (extempore@myrealbox.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Double Dare", [...] it's not intellectually offensive to see people > > go down a slide into a vat of peanut butter as long as it's rancid. > > Hey, this sounds eerily like a show I used to watch when I was a kid > called "Just Like Mom." I hope you didn't have to wear a nametag saying "Hi! I'm Just Like Mom!" at school. I learned at an early age that whenever anyone gave me a nametag I should check it for an embarassing nickname like that and erase it and write "Hi! I'm Just Like Fonzie!" instead. > It used to run on the CTV network, and I think it was shown on cable > in the US at some point. > > This was a "game" show back in the early to mid eighties, before > Emeril, Iron Chef, hell, before the Food channel. > [...] the first round was much like a Dating Game/Newlywed Game > segment, where mothers and children were asked revealing questions > about each other ("What colour car does mom have?" "Does your child > have an innie or an outie?" "Do you resemble your dad or look more > like your mommy's 'special friend?'") and given points for each > correct response. > > At the end was the "bake off," where kids were given a task to > complete within a limited time frame (like making brownies for > example) and given standard baking ingredients to accomplish this, > but NO RECIPIES. "You have five seconds to make Osso Buco and you don't even know what that is! Haw haw!" > This was the part of the show that let the children's "creative > abilities" flow. Standard baking ingredients often included things > like flour, eggs, sugar, cocoa, milk, steak, mustard, peas, ketchup, > pickles, bay leaves, harvard beets, coarse salt, tomato sauce, > sauerkraut, durians, vodka, motor oil...you get the idea. (Sadly, they > weren't given any wacky tabaccy, which would have brought the show to > a whole new level.) > > The "dish" that resulted was usually some kind of congealed blob, > looking nothing remotely to what was called for, and the mother that > guess their sprog's creation won a prize, usually something lame (as > is par for the course on Canadian game shows) like dinner for two at > the Chateau Champlain, or a year's supply of ketchup, but often times, > if the kid spun the big prize wheel just right (or, more likely, if > the kid's mom was friends with the producer -- that wheel seemed > rigged most of the time) he might win a bike or "a trip for four on > Eastern Airways to Walt Disney World in Florida!" *APPLAUSE* And the tragic part is that the all-expense-paid trip to Disney World would only feed the kid and Mom the food served in Disney theme parks -- congealed blobs of random ingredients mixed together. (What makes it special is that the stuff is molded into wads with ears.) > This show was priceless. Watching these poor women trying to digest > some of the most inedible looking, gawd-awful concoctions ever seen > was painfully entertaining (which is why I watched in the first place). > > Funny thing though, In reality, *my* mom would never watch it -- in > fact, she hated it with a passion, and ranted on about it every chance > she got (mostly about how food was wasted on such a "stupid program") > -- and since Dad worked for one of the major sponsors at the time (a > certain milling company featuring some archery dude as their logo), > the story goes that she buttonholed the president of the company at an > office function and let her displeasure be known. > > Oddly enough, that company's products and sponsorship were > mysteriously removed from the show during the next season, and not > long after, the show was canceled [...] Well, that's good. Because the only thing worse than teaching kids to waste food by trying to cook is teaching kids that people who buy flour should look up to a corporate logo who shoots people with pointy arrows. This is why you don't see Chef Boyardee "Murder-Your-Neighbor-O's" on store shelves most of the time. I assume you mean Robin Hood flour (only available in Canada) and not the more respectable King Arthur Flour (available in the United States, and therefore everywhere else.) There was also apparently a Sir Galahad flour once upon a time, according to Smithsonian magazine. I'm surprised nobody's trademarked "Sir Bakes-A-Lot". Do you ever go to the supermarket and pose the King Arthur flour so that it gets into a swordfight with the guy on the Reynolds Wrap box? I like to put something with the gelatinous blue Stop & Shop parrot between them, but they never seem to get rid of him. Stupid parrot! I think the knight riding sidesaddle in the weird little loincloth recently vanished from the Reynolds Wrap boxes. Maybe King Arthur killed him. Fun fact: According to ReynoldsCrafts.com, Reynolds Wrap Ultra Foil Sheets are available in the following decorator colors: -> Black -> Blue -> Copper -> Electirc Green -> Ethereal Blue -> Fuschia -> Gold -> Green -> Lavendare -> Lemon -> Marakesh -> Orange -> Pink lady -> Purple -> Red -> Silver -> Teal -> Yellow "Electirc"? "Lavendare"? Did Steve Jobs have a head injury that week? -- K. Also, the worst thing about Pink Lady foil is that it includes Jeff Altman foil, the foil that's not even as funny as the Jim Varney foil. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Just Like Mom (was Double Dare) Date: Sun, 7 Apr 2002 23:30:53 GMT Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think the knight riding sidesaddle in the weird little loincloth > > recently vanished from the Reynolds Wrap boxes. Maybe King Arthur > > killed him. > > When I was a little kid I was really really scared of the guy in the > Quaker Oats logo. That's a perfectly natural reaction given that Watergate had just happened. Nixon disproved all that propaganda about Quakers being nice people. Oh, sure, you laughed when Woody Allen said he got beaten up by them. But once Nixon was elected, the fun stopped until he was impeached and the Bicentennial was invented to make America fun again and Dolly Madison Zingers became plentiful! Quaker never tried to sell anything like "Tricia Nixon Zingers" because people were all scared of an evil Quaker taking over the government again. > But that was in the '70s, when that logo became extremely stylized > and there was only one level of shading across half the guy's face > and his hair was in perfect little arcs from his head. > What was going on in the '70s that made a lot of companies create > extremely stylized versions of their traditional logos? I just want to know what will happen the _next_ time this happens -- what the Dolly Madison logo look like then? For some reason, the Dolly Madison logo (as seen on cards indicating who was sponsoring every "Peanuts" holiday special) scared me when I was a kid. I recall it looked sort of like a cross between a nun and a fish, possibly someone wearing a fish wimple: ___ /_-_\ ( o o ) \\_// __\ /__ \__X__/ ...well, that diagram's not horrifying enough or overly-streamlined enough. But the Twinkies people (Hostess) appear to have absorbed Dolly Madison years ago, so I can't find any actual pictures of that logo on their site. I thank collectors for preserving these two (because Snoopy was next to the Dolly Madison logo): http://moderntimes.vcdh.virginia.edu/madison/popculture/commentary/images/snoopy.jpg http://theimaginaryworld.com/pre246.jpg Note that those are from Snoopy's Presidential campaigns in 1968 and 1972... before he got crushed by Richard Nixon. If Osama bin Laden were Aquaman, he'd make women wear the fish wimple. And they'd have to smile vacantly all the time, and eat nothing but sugary cake with the texture of damp Play-Doh rolled in coconut-flavored pencil shavings. So, I'd say the following people are evil: Richard Nixon, Osama bin Laden, Aquaman, and the version of Dolly Madison who mutated into that smiley face. I guess because Dolly Madison became part of Hostess (due to the merger of Zingers with Twinkies) there won't be any more simplified versions of that scary logo. Hooray! But now who will sponsor any new "Peanuts" specials that Charles Schulz makes? He drew the others all by himself, while high on a Zingers-fueled sugar-and-pink-coconut rush. -- K. I wonder if I should simplify my "K". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Just Like Mom (was Double Dare) Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 03:47:07 GMT Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > When I was a little kid I was really really scared of the guy in > > > the Quaker Oats logo. [...] But that was in the '70s, when that > > > logo became extremely stylized and there was only one level of > > > shading across half the guy's face and his hair was in perfect > > > little arcs from his head. What was going on in the '70s that > > > made a lot of companies create extremely stylized versions of > > > their traditional logos? > > > > I just want to know what will happen the _next_ time this happens -- > > what the Dolly Madison logo look like then? > > Oy, yeah, that was a little creepy too, although not nearly so much as > the little dotted-Y person in the gigantic United Way hand. Dolly Madison, incidentally, still exists (as a division of the Interstate Brands conglomerate, along with their former competitors Hostess and Drakes) but their logo got changed to a more "serious" one just saying "DOLLY MADISON BAKERIES" on a red background. (There's also a more minimalist one saying "DOLLY", but in both cases it's just text with a frame around it, no evil grinning fish-wimpled face.) Quaker Oats (now part of PepsiCo) also reverted to a more sophisticated version of their logo -- they brought back the painting of the smiling old gentleman (with only slight reworkings) instead of the weird high-contrast one-eyed glowing face coming at you out of the blackness. Now he looks genial instead of spooky. > [...] As a kid, I had these nightmares of Simplified Quaker Oats Man > attacking me with the inverted Maxwell House "good to the last drop" > coffee cup, or something like that. (Non-Simplified Quaker Oats Man > creeped me out a little bit too, because I believed that his puffy > white hair was actually aerosol whipped cream sprayed all over his head.) The big question is, did you find the concept of the elderly Quaker being gunged more scary or less scary than the idea of you being gunged? Now, please stand on that red "X" in the middle of the tarp and pull the rope above your head. > Also, remember Brim, the coffee whose slogan was "Fill It To The Rim > With Brim"? Some of my bizarre childhood dreams also involved a big > building of some sort that had the Brim logo on it. Kraft Foods seems to have discontinued Brim a long time ago. On the Web I can find no evidence that it ever existed (not even a picture of the logo anywhere) although www.Brim.com bounces me over to Kraft's site. Later I'll poke through Kraft's old annual reports to see if I can find a logo, because I don't remember what the Brim logo looked like. I just remember the weird supposedly funny non-joke in the commercial... "Fill it to the rim... WITH BRIM!" (all giggle as if on laughing gas) The women in that commercial must become incapacitated whenever they hear someone read a Dr. Seuss book aloud. They'd roll around on the floor guffawing and then someone would say, "HEY... THAT RHYMES!" and then they'd laugh even harder once they got it. > To this day, I don't know why I was so terrified of corporate logos > when I was a little kid, except that I figure it probably had something > to do with having been born in 1975. But that means you don't remember the greatest graphical nightmare our country has ever faced, the Bicentennial! Everything was covered with red, white, and blue rainbows, five-pointed stars with rounded corners, "1776" written in florid Seventies lettering, flags with Op Art instead of stripes, and more scary anthropomorphic mascots than if McDonalds held an Olympics in every city in the United States at the same time. I think there was also an Olympics at the same time as the Bicentennial, but my memory of everything else in 1976 has been blotted out by the Bicentennial and the complete conversion to the Metric system the United States was going to do next year and "W" was a vowel that year and it was okay to count on our fingers but only if we came up with a Korean name for it ("Chisanbop"). Remember than in 1976, only the bad parts of Seventies pop culture had happened -- "Space: 1999" was on TV -- but the most influential and memorable and better stuff hadn't happened yet. "Star Wars" and "Saturday Night Fever" were still a year away. We had "Pong", but not "Space Invaders". 1976 was the focal point of all bad pop culture in America. The early 1970s (which were really the late 1960s) were mellow and groovy in a rather tame way, and the late 1970s weren't all that different from the 1980's and 1990's, but the little zone between 1975 and 1977 was the most shameful period in the history of cheeziness. To learn more about how the country went absolutely wacko during the Bicentennial to prove that America was perfect again now that Watergate and the Vietnam war were fading away from the news, rent the movie "Spirit Of '76", the one I mentioned earlier today where Barbara Bain swears at Meathead. Plus it's got that Partridge Family guy and Carl Reiner as The 200-Year-Old Man. The movie also gives equal screen time to a cameo by Devo and a cameo by a banana-seat bicycle. It's sort of like if "Wayne's World" featured has-been TV stars shouting "SCHWINN!" -- K. We must remember the Bicentennial to prevent it from ever happening again. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Just Like Mom (was Double Dare) Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 05:13:38 GMT Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think there was also an Olympics at the same time as the Bicentennial, > > but my memory of everything else in 1976 has been blotted out by > > the Bicentennial and the complete conversion to the Metric system > > the United States was going to do next year and "W" was a vowel that > > year and it was okay to count on our fingers but only if we came up > > with a Korean name for it ("Chisanbop"). Remember than in 1976, only > > Either you went to a school for people behind the times, or the > Bicentennial took several years to flow down the Hudson. The last time > we had "sometimes 'y' and 'w'" down here was in 1971, and I'm sure I > learned chisanbop along with WFF'n'Proof and TriOminoes in 1973, and the > metric conversion was impending in 1974. Holy cow, you're right. I remembered the metric and "w" and Chisanbop stuff happening around the time I was in first and second grade, but for some reason I thought I was in first grade in 1976, which would have meant that I would have been left back about three years in a row, which we all know could never happen because I'm really smart even if I forget how old I am sometimes. In any case, this proves my point: The Bicentennial was so horrifying that it caused me to forget that the period from 1973 to 1976 ever existed. But I still stand by my assertion that we didn't have anything good in 1976, like "Space Invaders". The fact that we didn't have stupid stuff like Chisanbop in 1976 in no way impairs my belief that we had no good stuff then, because there was plenty of other stupid stuff for us to have instead. It was nothing but the Bicentennial, all year. -- K. The Bicentennial even prompted Isaac Asimov to write a lame, sappy movie for Robin Williams, before he died of AIDS. (Asimov, not Williams. Robin Williams is scheduled to die of accidental strangulation when trying to put on his rainbow suspenders for a performance of "Shazbot!: The Musical" in 2008 where he will be understudying Carrot Top, who replaced Jim Carrey after Carrey was killed by a sassy robot.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: candy compulsive disorders (was: Re: Some mideason sitcom reviews) Date: Tue, 2 Apr 2002 06:34:55 GMT Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > > > > > Not the one hosted by the guy who used to host Nickelodeon's > > > "Double Dare", right? > > > > Is that where they found that tall-faced guy who won't stop > > smiling while he's posing next to candy he's pretending he's about > > to eat when the episode's over when you can tell he's really just > > going to go home and eat stupid vegetables? > > The same. Marc Summers has gone from pretending to be grossed out by a > kid in a vat of chocolate syrup to pretending not to be grossed out by > a bowl of Hershey's miniatures. Hmm. You don't suppose that "Unwrapped" is just made out of leftover footage from "Super Sloppy Double Dare" during the season they tried to change the format to "Super Educational Film Style Double Dare", do you? I never get tired of watching the chocolate jimmies moving down the conveyor belt into the annealing vat. I wish I had an annealing vat. And some impellers. Also at tollbooths instead of charging per axle they should charge by the impeller if you're driving a tanker truck filled with chocolate jimmies dissolved in polarized light. I wish every town had a Scientific Industrial Propaganda Museum. Of course, not all of them would be as good as my local one (which has Dean Kamen riding his scooter around under glass, and an actual replica of the Big Dig you can pretend you're looking at, and proof that you should spend all day worrying about testing your home for radon, and a video that conclusively proves it couldn't possibly be the mayor's fault there's a water shortage) and in fact some of them might even be as lame as the Providence Children's Museum but still everyone needs to be exposed to more dioramas. Most people do not get their daily dose of dioramas, or get to learn what happens when they throw money into a giant funnel. "Wiblur the Once" (jchapman@aros.net) wrote: > > In a moment of total boredom, I watched a bio-show about Marc Summers. > He was saying that he has an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder involving > cleanliness (he is constantly washing his hands, etc.). He said hosting > Double Dare nearly drove him insane (although I think he was insane for > agreeing to do the show in the first place, disorder or not). So, > perhaps he wasn't pretending to be grossed out by the kid in the chocolate. That explains why he reminds me of Howie Mandel, only without the rubber glove over his head. And why he always holds the wrapped candy bars so gingerly. Not unlike that woman I encountered about three years ago: ////////// RE-RUN FOLLOWS ////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Why Do I Keep Going To This Supermarket? Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: December 28, 1998 Okay, I thought that rant I wrote earlier today about the tomato soup commercial was going to be the most rant-like thing I wrote today, saving me from becoming The Secret Square in the Nolan Rant Graph: UNIMPORTANT IMPORTANT +-----------------+----------------+ | | | FUNNY | Dennis Miller | Lenny Bruce | | | | +-----------------+----------------+ | | | NOT FUNNY | Dennis Leary | Adolf Hitler | | | | +-----------------+----------------+ ...but then I went to the Prudential Star Market (not to buy tomato soup) and something rantworthy happened. Let's wind up to the stupid event with a side trip down memory lane. I arrived at the supermarket around 11:25 P.M. on Sunday night, which is always a mistake. When I tried to pass through the little magazine aisle, there were two people standing there reading the magazines leisurely. (Apparently people are desperate enough for entertainment that they go to the supermarket to read magazines around midnight on Sundays.) According to the laws of bozo distribution, one of these two people was standing directly in front of the middle of the magazine rack, while the other was careful to stand on the opposite side of the aisle from the magazine rack, i.e. directly behind the other bozo, blocking the aisle completely. As I forced my cart between these people (because most of the good food is behind the magazines, which occupy the joint in the L-shaped supermarket) I made a mental note that I would have to stop shopping just before midnight on Sundays because that's the time of the week when the supermarket is the least crowded except that all the people who are there are complete and total morons. Then I realized that I was also there, but this didn't really apply to me because I was smart enough to call the other people bozos here. Anyway, it made me remember the horrible experiences I've had waiting in line (at the only checkout counter of twelve which stays open at midnight on Sundays), such as the time I was behind the francophone jerk. You may recall that about two months ago I wrote about the cardboard "DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR"s at the Prudential Star Market and how the French-Canadian bozeau pushed the divider away from his groceries and towards mine so that he might claim a larger buffer zone between his groceries and the buffer between his groceries and my groceries. Another experience I had waiting in that line at that time of night was to have the unfortunate luck to be directly behind the guy who I thought had to be the worst-smelling person in Boston. (I never told you about him because I have since learned I was wrong about him.) Anyway, I progressed past the extremely minor irritation of the people blocking the magazine aisle and did my shopping. Two skinny gals who spent the entire time arguing over the number of servings in a tub of yogurt kept appearing everywhere I wanted to be, unsure of which way they wanted to go (did they want to cut in front of me to make a left turn? No, they wanted to cut in front of me to make a three-point U-turn. Twice.) And the market smelled like cheesy vomit because apparently they were cooking stinky cheese around midnight. Nevertheless, I managed to finish my shopping, and got in the only functioning checkout line around 11:40 P.M. The two gals (who were still bickering) were being checked out, and there was a middle-aged woman behind them, and I was behind her. She turned around and stared at the contents of my grocery basket for a full thirty seconds before going back to facing the right way. Then a little while later she turned to me and said with a smile, "It's gonna be a long wait. Have patience." I gave her a noncommital smile (one Berne-style stroke returned, a single quantum of attention) and she turned back towards her cart. Little did I know the import of her warning. I assumed she was with the yogurt people because she didn't put any groceries on the conveyor belt and was pushing a cart which appeared to be empty, except for some wadded-up empty plastic bags in the back (you know, the rumble seat where the toddlers won't stay.) She also had one of those boxes containing a roll of plastic bags, presumably swiped from a previous trip through the checkout line. So since I assumed she was with the people ahead of her who had visible groceries, I put my stuff on the belt. I don't like to wash dishes, so I was buying some paper plates and some disposable plastic bowls, which I set on top of the paper plates. (I pay extra to get the plastic ones because none of the plastic-laminated-paper ones are even remotely soup-proof.) The woman ahead of me turns and stares at my groceries again. "Are those plastic?" she asked. "Yeah," I replied wittily. She went back to facing front. Then she turned around again. "They look like paper," she said of the blood-red plastic bowls sparkling in the bright lights of the night-time supermarket. "Yeah," I rejoindered. She faced front again. She turned around again. "The ones under 'em, they're paper, right?" "Yeah," I volunteered. With that, our conversation thankfully self-terminated. It is always awkward when strangers (or clerks) make conversation about your groceries (and even worse when the next time you bump into them they remember your previous groceries and ask why you're not buying XYZ Egg Rolls this week) and stupid questions along the general lines of "ARE THOSE SHINY RED PLASTIC BOWLS PLASTIC OR TISSUE PAPER?" don't help. The yogurt twins had been checked out, and the clerk ran the conveyor belt forward to bring my groceries up to the line of scrimmage. But it turned out that the mystery woman did indeed have groceries to ring up, pointing out to the confused clerk who was trying to ring up my food that she had a candy bar. She held out the candy bar (a one-pound Cadbury With Almonds) and quietly said, "You can keep this one, but I need the others back." An interesting demonstration of the power of human bozosity followed. After the clerk scanned the Cadbury bar and put it in a bag, Mystery Woman proceeded to hand the clerk a series of other items, which had been individually wrapped in clear plastic bags. The clerk was required to scan them and then hand them back. None of the food was allowed to touch the belt or the clerk. I noticed that Mystery Woman was wearing disposable rubber gloves. Aha, you're saying to yourself, I know the type. She's slightly crazy in a harmless little way -- obsessed with personal cleanliness. Sorry, that scores as a buzzer. The real punchline is: This woman smelled far, far, far worse than any other odor I have ever smelled! She smelled worse than it was physically possible for her to smell. Even if he had had long fingernails, Superman could not have clawed through the tightly-knit web of squiggly stink lines to save Lois Lane's baby from Hitler. If I had filmed this woman, a close study of the footage would have revealed her to be emitting three to five glowing, tightly collimated beams of coherent smell in different directions in every frame like a "Star Trek" photon torpedo made of concentrated smell. You could have cut her Odor Cloud with a knife provided the knife was made of noncorrosive polyethylene. Her aroma was beyond all human concepts of smell, a smell so strong that it warped the space-time continuum. This woman was stinky-poo and I don't just mean stinky-cheese or stinky-asafetida but stinky-POO. In fact, near her, I couldn't even smell the barfy cheese smell that permeated the market. Being near her made me want to start frantically rubbing my entire body with scented toilet paper. It was like being in a jail cell made entirely of poo. Summoning all my stamina, I prevented myself from flushing the giant invisible toilet this woman lived in as the clerk asked her if she had a Star Advantage Card. "I thought about bringing it," said Stinky-Poo, "...but I didn't." I noticed that her disposable rubber gloves were filthy. The clerk pushed the buttons that correspond to the imaginary Star Advantage Card number which is used for anyone who says they have a card but doesn't (everyone gets the discount, except for people who say "What's a card?") and the woman paid, then the clerk tried to hand her the bag she'd put the Cadbury bar into. "I don't want it," said Stink-O, "That was just for you to scan, I've got another one here." This explains why the candy bar was the only thing not shrouded in plastic bags from her personal stash: she had gotten a duplicate for the clerk to touch. Because grocery clerks obviously have more germs than Filthy Disgusting Odor Woman. It was the longest, stinkiest wait I've ever had in a line that short. Anyway, I need to stop shopping for groceries late at night on weekends. And the next time I'm in that market, I'm going to bring along my stamp pad and put big black fingerprints all over all the candy bars. -- K. Incidentally, I'm still wondering what would happen if Zeno showed up next to the francophone bozeau and started putting "DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR" bars between his groceries and the other "DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR" bar. ////////// RE-RUN ENDS HERE //////////////////////////////////////////////// I think that maybe it would be the most special episode ever if we somehow got that woman to be a surprise walk-on guest on "Unwrapped". But please, don't invent smellovision until after we do that. -- K. I really didn't do a good enough job explaining how badly she smelled. Imagine her whole body was a sponge and she'd soaked up all the raw sewage in the world and was squirting a constant stream of it directly into your brain. Know how they add mercaptan to natural gas so you can smell gas leaks? Well, to guard against leaks at the mercaptan plant, they could add this woman to the mercaptan. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Frozen Children's Nuggets Of Fun (May Be Chicken) Date: Tue, 2 Apr 2002 01:46:09 GMT Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Dinty Moore's brand of turkey-and-gravy-with-stuffing-in-a- > > > plastic-tray [...] is often sold at 7-Eleven stores, including the > > > 7-Eleven on Stilts that is located near my apartment. > > > > This is Baba Yaga's convenience mart speaking! Your meals are not > > convenient enough! Food contains no user-serviceable parts! > > Ingredients and other incompletely assembled food are hazardous to > > children! Stand back from the windows and prepare to be boarded! > > I just can't believe that all my blathering about Dinty Moore sent the > death ray after his similarly named brother instead. Where -- I ask > you, *where* -- is the justice??! I'm sorry you killed Dudley Moore. It should have been Bob Hope. I had always wanted Bob Hope to kill Dudley Moore. And vice versa. On live TV. With sharpened sporks. Back when Gene Roddenberry first created Dudley Moore and Dinty Moore, he sent a memo around listing all the permissible names for people from the planet Moorcania: Dudley Moore Dinty Moore Dipsy Moore Darby Moore Dorney Moore Dolty Moore Dinky Moore Donkey Moore Diddley Moore Doodley Moore Deedley Moore Dainty Moore Derby Moore Dumpy Moore Dorky Moore Durhey Moore ...he wrote that the same day he wrote the famous memo about how all Vulcanians would have names that sounded like "Spork", but they never used any of that stuff because 7-Eleven wouldn't pay for the "Spork" product placement. This is why, on classic "Star Trek", whenever they're supposed to be eating, it's always finger food like celery soaked in red food coloring, or cubes of blue and orange kitchen sponges. -- K. The reason we can't see the planet Vulcan from Earth is that the planet's on stilts so high we can't see the tops. That, and it orbits the center of the Sun at a distance of nearly three miles. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Exciting Cookie News!!!! Date: Tue, 2 Apr 2002 02:04:08 GMT "The Peccant Rejuvenator Mr. Hole" (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > Just saw an advertisement on the TV for a NEW cookie!!! Chips A'Hoy > creamwiches!! > > What's that you rudely ask? > > Two chocolate chip Chips A'Hoy cookies stacked together with a layer > of cream in the middle!! > > Why didn't they do this before now? > > The commercial kinda cute too. Some Chocolate chip cookies sit on an > inner city bus and the cream get on and the only place to sit is in > between the 2 cookies; thus, a new cookie s born! ...you're saying they're claiming no self-respecting cream would squeeze into a seat next to an "inner city" person. These cookies have racist topping in the middle! I'm going to stick to non-racist foods, like Little Debbie Zebra Cakes, which are not racist because they contain no chocolate or vanilla of any sort. Just vinyl. > I look forward to reading Kibo's review of this new cookie that is > sure to bring about world peace. No, because I'm still trying to figure out what that Violet Crumble bar I had last night tasted like. It had a texture like that green styrofoam they stick plastic flowers in, and I think it's scientifically engineered to sound exactly like tooth enamel shattering when you eat it. Flavorwise, it was somewhere between burnt newsprint and Postum. I also couldn't find the violet or the crumble in my Violet Crumble. However, I did get to think really hard about "Am I really sure I didn't acidentally buy chocolate-covered blackboard chalk?" -- K. I only bought it because I thought it said "Violent Crumble". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ATTN Andy Z Date: Tue, 2 Apr 2002 08:33:49 GMT [on doppelgangers from the Other Universe] David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Kibo, what new comedies does Alt-Fox have coming out over on OtherEarth? Wunza detective! Wunza serial killer! Together, they're Siamese Twins with a very personal problem! In... "Joined At The Weiner"! I'm sorry, I can't go any further. I'm just not cut out to be an idea man at the opposite of a TV network. -- K. My only other idea for Alt-Fox would be something about an evil mad scientist who invents a spray that makes people's eyeballs grow teeth and turn around and eat their brain, but that's more the sort of comedy regular Fox would try. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New job description! Date: Tue, 2 Apr 2002 09:11:29 GMT Jacob W. Haller (spog@jwgh.org) wrote: > > I got my new, revised job description today. Man, I do a lot of stuff! > > One of the things that's listed is "Position Requirements", which I > guess is what would be in the want ads if I quit or was fired or died or > something. One of them is: > > | MATH ABILITY > | > | Ability to apply concepts such as fractions, percentages, ratios, and > | proportions to practical situations. I only have three of the four, so I guess I'm only 65% as smart as you. > I will suggest that they add the ability to use wire in the next version > of the job description. "use" is not a positive word. I suggest you say you can "harness the power of wire". In any case, you still don't compare to that geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenius who posted a fluorescent resume with his TV set. From the humble little section titled "Skills", he lists a few skills in purple letters on fluorescent chartreuse: [from http://community-2.webtv.net/Archure/Skills/] -> Organizatonal Skills, Problem Solving Skills ("A high IQ denotes ones -> ability to Reason, and Solve complex problems" -New Age Encyclopedia). -> My IQ is 147 (140 IQ is Genius level, as per Encylopedia Brittanica). -> -> TOOLS: -> Clipboard, Wrench, Pliers, Needle Nose, Screwdriver, Philips, Hex set (US -> & Metric), Allen Wrench, Soldering Iron, Rozin Core Solder, Rozin, Solder -> Sucker, OxySetaline Welding (long ago), Chip Remover, Automated Test -> Equipment (Sentry, MCT, Lorlin, Optimized Devices), Measuring Tape, Hand -> Saw, Hammer (claw, ball pin, sledge), Wrecking bar, Nail Remover, Skill -> Saw, Sander, Drill, Drill Press, Jig Saw, Staple Gun, Tire Iron, Jack, -> Dent Puller, Bondo, Oil Filter Remover, Spark Plug Hex, Gap Measuring -> Tool, Tacometer, Micrometer, Caliper, Ruler, Oscilloscope, h/p -> Programmable Oscilloscope, DVM, AC Wave Generator, DC Power Supply, -> Frequency Meter, Proto Board, Alligator Clip, Paperwork, Pen, Pencil, -> Pencil Sharpener, Gloves, Safety Goggles, Static Strap, Heel Straps, -> Microscope, Computer, Mainframe Computer, Scissors, Stapler, Paper Clip, -> Scotch Tape, Post Notes, Shredder, Paper Cutter, Copy Machine, Fax, -> Scanner, Taxi Meter, Tape Recorder, Sound Amplifiers, Mixing Board, -> Speakers (matched impedance), Wire, Wire Gauge, Microphone, Microphone -> Stand, Wind Screen, Echoplex, Dod, Zoom, Phase Shifter, Limiter, -> Compressor, Synthesizer, Guitar, Electric Guitar, Drums, Stage Lighting, -> Roscolux, High Voltage Systems (Transformer, Switching (manual & -> automated), Transfer Bus, Transfer Bus Tie, Synchronous Generator (wave -> displacer), Lightning Rod, Ground, Meters (amp, watt, voltage), Laser, -> Microwave, Broom, Dust Pan, Dust Mop, Mop, Mop Bucket, Buffer, Automated -> Dishwashing Machine (major hotel casino convention banquet), Relays, -> Programmable Timers, Actuators, Hydraulic, Pneumatic, Bells, Buzzers, -> Light Bulbs, Wiring, Switches, Sensors (light, temp, pressure), -> Thermometer, Barometer, Rain Gauge, pH Tester, Demagatizer, Etching, -> Engraving, Measuring Cup, Measuring Spoon, Rolling Pin, Cutting Board, -> Hobart (mixer, grater), Vaccume, Liquid Nitrogen LN2..... He may be able to operate Dod & Zoom, whatever those are (not to be confused with Rich Hall's visit to a "dod + wow" store) but I note that he doesn't know how to operate an ice cream scoop. Haw! Haw! Wotta maroon! Running around jamming an ice cream scoop into his ear while asking, "Hey, why can't I taste the Neapolitan?" -> more to be added later Oh. Well, maybe he will learn the secrets of ice cream someday. Although, he doesn't seem to have learned anything since I last mocked his puny geeeeeeeeeenius resume last year: ////////// RERUN FOLLOWS ////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: GENIUS resume online! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 21 May 2001 03:27:57 GMT From the giant WebTV-created resume of a guy who tells us over and over that we cannot appreciate his 147 IQ, and included pictures of his Famous Bartender's School diploma and a form letter received from the White House: -> -> [...] -> -> "Moron" is an official term in Websters Unabridged for 50-75 IQ -> (25 points below normal) They are rare and outnumbered. (this -> term has been removed from many Dictionarys, but is in my old & -> thick Websters) -> -> My IQ is around 47 points above normal IQ, I am rare and -> outnumbered in a society ruled by average IQ people, most of -> whom do not realize the significance or value of a high IQ (most -> average people mistakenly assume that they are either genius or -> near genius IQ). -> -> William Christopher Holley -> AAS EET; BAS AMT; AS CIM; AA FAM; 147 IQ -> Taxi Driver ("All's I cound get") -> Registered Voter (clean legal record) There's no such word as "all's", as he'd know if he were smart enough to watch "Murphy Brown". It should read "All I cound get". -> [...] -> -> YOU HAVE A NORMAL AVERAGE I.Q. -> -> Most Likely, most people do. If you are of normal IQ, which you -> probably are, dont worry. Normal IQ people get along better in -> society. Normal IQ people rule society. And the closer to normal, -> the more you rule. It appears to me, that most likely Al Gore has -> a higher IQ than Bush Jr; but Bush Jr won the election, he has -> more popularity, more affinity with the masses (and undoubtedly -> has high IQ advisors who make certain he no longer sticks his -> foot in his mouth). It would be better for Everyone, to utilize -> and have respect for high IQ persons; and not just classify them -> as suitible for driving a taxi cab Only (its the only job I could -> get, and I am a college grad, an honor grad, and registered voter). That's right! They don't let stupid people vote! That's why Lyndon LaRouche usually gets less than half the votes! Also, that bozo George W. Bush doesn't even have a taxi license! -> IF HE IS A GENIUS, THEN WHY IS HIS HANDWRITING SO CRUMMY, -> AND WHY CANT HE SPELL? -> Look at the signatures on the Declaration of Independence, legible? -> No. Were they Idiots? No. Many geniuses are like this (why? not certain, -> but it is a common trait amongst geniuses). Th WebTV web page builder -> does not have spell check. I (work 60 hrs a week and have many other -> commitments). You know what I am communicating, despite any spelling -> imperfections. When he uses his WebTV to sign the Declaration of Independence we'll know he's this generation's Ben Franklin. Of course, if he were truly smart he'd be able to operate a dictionary or ask a friend to proofread his resume. But I don't see "dictionary" or "friend" on the list of things he knows how to not hurt himself with: -> TOOLS: -> -> Clipboard, Wrench, Pliers, Needle Nose, Screwdriver, Philips, -> Hex set (US & Metric), Allen Wrench, Soldering Iron, Rozin Core -> Solder, Rozin, Solder Sucker, OxySetaline Welding (long ago), -> Chip Remover, Automated Test Equipment (Sentry, MCT, Lorlin, -> Optimized Devices), Measuring Tape, Hand Saw, Hammer (claw, ball -> pin, sledge), Wrecking bar, Nail Remover, Skill Saw, Sander, -> Drill, Drill Press, Jig Saw, Staple Gun (for stretching canvas), -> Tire Iron, Jack, Dent Puller (automotive), Bondo, Oil Filter -> Remover, Spark Plug Hex, Gap Measuring Tool, Tacometer, -> Micrometer, Caliper, Ruler, Oscilloscope, h/p Programmable -> Oscilloscope, DVM, AC Wave Generator, DC Power Supply, Frequency -> Meter, Proto Board, Alligator Clip, Paperwork, Pen, Pencil, -> Pencil Sharpener, Gloves, Safety Goggles, Static Strap, Heel -> Straps, Microscope, Computer, Mainframe Computer, Scissors, -> Stapler, Paper Clip, Scotch Tape, Post Notes, Shredder, Paper -> Cutter, Copy Machine, Fax, Scanner, Taxi Meter, Tape Recorder, -> Sound Amplifiers, Mixing Board, Speakers (matched impedance), -> Wire, Wire Gauge, Microphone, Microphone Stand, Wind Screen, -> Echoplex, Dod, Zoom, Phase Shifter, Limiter, Compressor, -> Synthesizer, Guitar, Electric Guitar, Stage Lighting, Roscolux, -> High Voltage Systems (Transformer, Switching (manual & -> automated), Transfer Bus, Transfer Bus Tie, Synchronous -> Generator (wave displacer), Tesla Coil, Lightning Rod, Ground, -> Meters (amp, watt, voltage), Laser, Microwave (9 gig), Broom, -> Dust Pan, Dust Mop, Mop, Mop Bucket, Buffer, Door Locks -> (change), Dishwashing Machine, Automated Dishwashing Machine -> (major hotel casino convention banquet), Relays, Programmable -> Timers, Actuators, Hydraulic, Pneumatic, Bells, Buzzers, Light -> Bulbs, Wiring, Switches, Sensors (light, temp, pressure), -> Thermometer, Barometer, Rain Gauge, pH Tester, Demagatizer, -> Etching, Engraving, Measuring Cup, Measuring Spoon, Rolling Pin, -> Cutting Board, Hobart (mixer, grater), Vaccume, Liquid Nitrogen -> LN2..... Wow, he can use a stapler. Nobody else has ever said "I CAN USE A STAPLER!" on their resume. Therefore if all other things were equal, this guy would be smarter than an average guy. By the amount of IQ that it takes to staple. And both regular AND Philips screwdrivers! He doesn't mention screws, though, so I guess he just uses screwdrivers for throwing. "CRGRE" (crgre00+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > I think I can use most of the tools listed. I think that I can use a > few more than the genius guy can: > > Chopsticks, coin-operated vending machine, index card-based file > system, alto clarinet, reverb pedal, caller ID, spork, can opener, > self-sealing paper envelope, paper bag, plastic bag, ice cream cone. I can use a soda bottle. For more than one thing! I can even change channels from WB to UPN on my TV with or without the remote control. I have a watch with a big hand AND a little hand, and furthermore, I can rip open a bag of potato chips in such a way that not all of them hit the floor! Also I know how to eat and belch, even in public. > It is important to make lists like this one. Yes, but they don't mean anything if you are just claiming your can operate a measuring cup or an ice cream cone or "tacometer", unless you have passed a standardized test to be qualified to operate those devices. Otherwise you might get ice cream all over. Take this simple test: 1.) An ice cream cone is most often used to hold a.) One or more scoops of ice cream b.) 374 elephants c.) Seminars on quantum physics 2.) A tacometer measures: a.) metric tacos b.) ice cream cones c.) baby's soft spot 3.) Which of the following should NOT be done with a measuring cup? a.) measuring b.) measuring c.) mismeasuring 4.) Gloves go with a.) feet b.) hands c.) creamy lime sauce 5.) A spork can NOT be used to replace: a.) a spoon b.) a fork c.) a human brain 6.) Scotch tape got its name because: a.) Only Scottish people are allowed to buy it. b.) It has tartan printed on the box and they're allowed to pick any catchy tradename they want, and "Scotch tape" is obviously quite catchy 'cause everyone calls the tape that. c.) It is about 50% alcohol. 7.) Chopsticks are for: a.) Chopping sticks b.) Sticking chops c.) Scottish people 8.) I can use a "dod", which refers to: a.) The Department of Defense's big-headed mascot b.) A machine that dodders c.) Mom is wow upside down, and she's married to dod! 9.) My resume says I can use a pencil sharpener. My skills with it are: a.) inadequate for pencils that do not have instructions on them b.) very sharp c.) is this a take-home test? If so that's no fair to me because I'm smarter than the other people at home who I'd ask for help. 10.) A laser, a "9 gig" microwave, and a broom are listed together because a.) They are equally important. b.) They are in alphabetical order. a.) I am a genius and you will bow down before me! -- K. 11.) List-format humor is fun because you have to be a super-genius like me to write it. a.) Wow, you're right, Kibo is brilliant! b.) I'm not even smart enough to answer this compared to Kibo. c.) How do I send all my money and some Cherry Pez to Kibo so I can get a job operating his stapler? ////////// RERUN ENDS ///////////////////////////////////////////////////// My single favorite part of his resume is the photo of him on the lavender page titled "GENIUS": http://community-2.webtv.net/Archure/Genius/ ...you can tell just from his haircut that he's even smarter than Einstein. In fact, he's even smarter than Yahoo Serious as Einstein! -- K. He looks a lot like Archimedes Plutonium would if he tried to grow his hair to look like David Gautreaux ("Commander Branch") from "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" (1979). ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: OH THE HUMANITY! Date: Tue, 2 Apr 2002 21:40:08 GMT Nicko (nervousnick2002@yahoo.com) wrote: > > A phrase I just heard uttered on NPR: > > "the culture of suicide bombing" Those suicide bombers are so pretentious, what with their black berets and white whine (holding the glass by the stem with the pinky outstretched) as they set off the poshest, trendiest explosions ever. It's a lot like "Fight Club", except for the scene where they go into Blockbuster to erase all the videotapes. Cultured terrorists would NEVER go into a store that still carries VHS. I mean, it's all analog and stuff. -- K. It's horrible -- you mean they actually forced you to listen to NPR in the hospital? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: More stoopid airport security Date: Wed, 3 Apr 2002 02:49:39 GMT Ben Allard (ballard@wpi.edu) wrote: > > I also had my run-in with the airport security corporation. After passing > through the metal detector, the guard asked me to take a drink from the > paper cup I was carrying, to make sure I wasn't carrying a cup full of > poison or throwing acid or poison acid. Or maybe she thought that I was > carrying a magic potion that would grant me titanic strength with which to > rend the plane asunder bare-handed and she wanted to force me to waste all > my titanic strength carrying my luggage through the concourse. In any > case, her cunning stratagem worked and I only managed to kill two infidels > all day! One theory is that it was akin to those bowls where you have to eat all the oatmeal to see the bunny at the bottom. They were thinking it was one of those paper cups where you can't see the gun at the bottom through the inch of Sprite. You didn't say what you were drinking, so I assume it was something embarassing like Sprite. -- K. Arthur Conan Doyle thought that Sprite contains real Sprites. They're actually just artificial ones, made from textured ectoprotein and partially hydrogenated magic. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: More stoopid airport security Date: Mon, 8 Apr 2002 07:58:22 GMT Last week, Ben Allard (ballard@wpi.edu) wrote: > > I also had my run-in with the airport security corporation. After passing > through the metal detector, the guard asked me to take a drink from the > paper cup I was carrying, to make sure I wasn't carrying a cup full of > poison or throwing acid or poison acid. This just in! Ben Allard scoops CNN by six days. On CNN Headline News, "on-air talent" Sachi Koto just told me: -> Here's a post-September 11th security measure you may not know about. -> If you're travelling on a plane and carrying a liquid, you have to -> drink some of it to prove it's not dangerous. Once again, alt.religion.kibology proves to be a more up-to-the-minute source of news than CNN. And I wouldn't be surprised if we're performing a more thorough analysis. Also, I'm not reading off a TelePrompTer. -> That's how a 14-year-old Colorado boy thinks he got sick. Airport security -> personnel made him drink from a bottle of untreated stream water he was -> taking to school. He says he later got nauseated and had to miss two -> days of classes. The FAA says if the boy had told screeners it was -> creek water, he wouldn't have been asked to drink it unless they suspected -> it was something else. Yeah, right, sure, all those Global Security Inc. rent-a-cops have memorized the FAA's imaginary bulletin about how they have to make people drink weird stuff unless they use the word "creek" in a sentence. I seriously doubt that this policy exists, or that if it did, that the FAA could teach all those bozos to treat people who say "creek water" differently from people who say "spring water" given that many of them can't even figure out how to work the metal detectors they're supposedly operating. I love the idea that the FAA is pretending it really has trained all these security guards to worry about people who say "it's water" and people who say "it's acid" but not people who say "it's icky water". So, Ben, why were you on an out-of-state field trip to gather paramecia for your junior high school science project? This just in! While I was typing that, Headline News showed a commercial where Apollo astronaut Jim Lovell (the "Houston, we've had a problem" guy) explained to me that airport security shortcomings were all my fault for not having a sense of humor about those idiots at the airport who are doing a perfect job. I have transcribed the entire commercial for your enlightenment: "Hi, I'm Jim Lovell. Some people travel more than I do, but few have travelled farther. When I commanded Apollo 13, we ran into some REAL trouble [stock footage of him saying "Houston, we've had a problem"] but we put our best people to work on fixing it... AND THEY DID! Now America's doing the same thing about air travel security. But we all have a role to play here. Be prepared to have a photo ID available at all times. Budget your time for unexpected delays and additional screening of all electronic devices. Keep a good book handy [he waves at the camera a book for which he presumably receives royalties], along with your sense of humor. But remember, security is no joke." What have I learned from this? (1) Terrorism allows retired astronauts to plug books on TV for free. (2) There must be a real problem not just with airport security ineptitude but also with public perception of that if people are spending lots of money to convince me that the security is not a total joke. (3) If a sense of humor is required in order to fly, why don't Air Force officers act zanier? Is this why Jim Lovell was a Navy officer before he went around the Moon? In any case, his message was clear: If there's anything wrong with airport security, it's my own fault for being such a humorless bastard, even compared to an Apollo astronaut. Ohhhh, now I get it, that terrorist attack that killed three thousand people was supposed to lead to mirth galore at happy fun airports everywhere and the reason those guys in the adult-size Cub Scout uniforms are trying so ineptly to pretend that they now have good security is to give me the giggles. The commercial continued with several different flavors of propaganda packed into the last ten seconds: "In fact, improved security allows all of us to exercise our right to travel... It's a beautiful country, no matter how you see it. Help the economy! Have some fun! It's time to get going again! We've got a flight to catch! Follow me!" I thought the point of improved security was to allow fewer people to travel. Does he really expect me to believe the point of interrogating everyone is to then allow EVERYONE on board? "You have a bomb, but we're going to let you get on board anyway, because this is AMERICA!" Then there was that desperate plea for me to spend money on the airline industry, because if the economy collapses, it'll be all my fault for not flying as often as astronauts tell me to. The commercial ended with a card saying "Flight Plan For America: a campaign in the public interest supported by America's travel agents and airlines." A little research turned up a press release revealing that the commercial was paid for by the American Society of Travel Agents. Apparently it's in the public interest that everyone read the novelization of the hit movie based on Jim Lovell's autobiography. I don't know why after the card saying that this advertisement for the travel-agent industry was "in the public interest" they forgot to say "this commercial was not obvious propaganda" or at least "Jim Lovell does not look like Carl Reiner." Because anything becomes true if you show it on the screen after an astronaut gives you a stern talking-to. But yes, this was just like on Apollo 13 where, when the oxygen tanks got blown up, NASA dealt with it by ignoring the actual problem and airing a bunch of TV commercials telling me it was my patriotic duty to spend money and that NASA IS NOT A JOKE. Houston to Jim Lovell: Shut up, astro-hole. -- K. Instead of Jim Lovell complaining to me, why doesn't he go after the actual terrorists who caused the explosion on Apollo 13, like Jim Belushi?* *Do NOT try to watch "Disney's Rocket Man", but if you must, don't worry, you won't need to bring your sense of humor. It's 49% farts and 49% chimps and the remaining 2% is a jawdroppingly inappropriate scene in this kids' movie where we learn that Jim Belushi was solely responsible for causing the explosion on Apollo 13. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: More stoopid airport security Date: Mon, 8 Apr 2002 23:52:31 GMT Ben Allard (ballard@wpi.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, Ben, why were you on an out-of-state field trip to gather > > paramecia for your junior high school science project? > > I told you, to drink Mr. Pibb! Well, why _are_ you drinking Mr. Pibb now that you've figured out that the secret ingredient is paramecia? Never drink anything that says "may contain up to 25% cilia and vacuoles" on the label, even if it's only in tiny print. In other bizarre airport security news: Andrew Pearson (apearson@pt.lu) pointed out Bob Greene's Chicago Tribune column describing how airport security confiscated an 86-year-old retired general's Congressional Medal Of Honor because they couldn't figure out what the star-shaped thing on the ribbon was (maybe a ninja throwing star with a convenient carrying strap?) -> -> "They just kept passing it around -- there were eight or nine or 10 of -> them who handled it before it was over," he said. -> -> "They had found it in my pocket at the airport, and they thought it was -> suspicious. It's shaped like a star, and they were looking at the metal -> edges of it, like it was a weapon. I asked for it back, but they kept -> handing it to each other and inspecting it. I was told to move to a -> separate area. -> -> "I told them -- just turn it over. The engraving on the back explains -> everything. But they thought they must have something potentially -> dangerous here. -> -> "I told them exactly what it was -- I said, 'That's my Congressional -> Medal of Honor.'" Security people are a lot like doctors in the emergency room. When you go in and they ask you, "What seems to be the problem?" if you try to diagnose your own symptoms ("Flames are coming out of my leg, I think this means I have third-degree burns") they'll block out the part of their brain that contains the same diagnosis just to show you that you're not qualified to make a diagnosis, and tell you your burning leg is just mild indigestion. If you tell airport security to look at the enrgaving on the back of your Medal of Honor, they'll think, "He wants me to turn it over, therefore, I better not turn it over! He must be up to something! He's trying to influence my actions, and in America, that's illegal!" From now on the engraving on the back of the Congressional Medal Of Honor will be accompanied by another one on the front saying "TURN MEDAL OVER." Also, the one on the back will say "THIS IS NOT A NINJA STAR AND THE 86-YEAR-OLD RETIRED GENERAL IS NOT A NINJA AND YOU ARE NOT VERY SMART." Except they'd forget to read the "TURN MEDAL OVER." part so there would be a second medal which says "INSTRUCTIONS: READ OTHER MEDAL," and to get them to read that it would say "READ THE FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS" above it, and they'd be accompanied by a third, smaller medal marked "READ THIS MEDAL FIRST" telling them to read the other two. And there would be a little cartoon of a happy, handsome guy reading the instructions, then there would be a picture of Goofus _not_ reading the instructions and getting yelled at by his elementary-school principal because he's in his underwear. At some airports, the airport authority hires the security bozos; at others the individual airlines hire the security bozos. In neither case do they seem to be hiring ones who are as intelligent as, for instance, Ritz Camera employees, let alone Taco Bell Express employees. I stand by my assertion that the purpose of these people is not to provide tight security, but to just hassle people enough to fool the general public into thinking that there's tight security. Airport security could actually be made somewhat less flaky, _and_ less of a hassle for the passengers, if someone would train these guys to follow a specific set of procedures instead of just hiring nitwits and letting them rely on their own guesses as to what's worrisome. -- K. I'm not saying all airport security guards in flashy paramilitary uniforms are stupid. I'm just saying all the ones I know about are stupid. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: INSTANT DVD REVIEW: Star Trek TNG Season 1 Date: Wed, 3 Apr 2002 03:06:55 GMT Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > [...] > > The packaging just plain sucks. Even after you taped a magnifying glass in front of Wil Wheaton's tiny head in order to at least bring him to parity with that woman with the two-tone crew cut who's nearly a tenth as tall as Patrick Stewart? > The discs are in this fold-apart thing, which is very clumsy. Of course, I haven't actually purchased one of these boxed sets (because I have this thing called TV, as long as I'm willing to put up with the words "STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION ON THE NEW TNN" at the bottom of the screen, pushing up the bottom margin to make all the planets slightly oblate) but I did see a one-page version of that collage of the entire cast in an advertisement for the boxed set in the same issue of "Discover" magazine that called Archimedes Plutonium a crank, and the picture of the boxed set on Amazon shows just the Patrick Stewart part of the wraparound sleeve peeking out of the box, so I am assuming that Tiny Wil Wheaton lurks somewhere near the middle of the wad of cardboard, unless they blotted him out entirely and just did a collage of seven Patrick Stewarts. (Yay! I finished a sentence!) Still, it's a good thing they didn't go with the style of packaging the fanboys really wanted, which was a foldout mural of the entire cast with the words "GAY" or "NOT GAY" written above each of them. It's none of our business whether Patrick Stewart is just as gay as all the others! And besides, they'll save that sort of surprise for the last boxed set in the series, along with that "lost episode" they never aired because test audiences of children said it was too terrifying to see Whoopi Goldberg wrestling with her evil twin (the evil twin's the one with eyebrows.) But I'm looking forward to seeing that one just to find out what happens when their hats collide. > You really need to lay it on a desk or table to get at the first > or last disc in the set. Once it's all folded up, it goes into the > box which is pretty cheap cardboard. This is the sort of packaging > that makes me very leery about lending this set out to friends or family, Easy solution: just loan it to people you hate! (Remember, you still owe me for those bottles of futuristic lemon-floor-wax- scented laxative I gave you.) > since I've already had one instance of "Sorry, the kids wanted to > watch it one day and they kinda fucked it up". You loaned it to Jonathan Harris? > I think the packaging is going to be the same for the rest of the > series, since if all seven sets are on the shelf next to each other > it should look like they're really a set. The European release is > supposed to come in some sort of metal clam-shell thing like a > tricorder, that sounds a lot sturdier. Real tricorders are much sturdier, because they're made of solid wood. However, the buttons do tend to peel off. I learned that from the travelling exhibit of "Star Trek" props at the Museum Of Science, or as it is sometimes known, the Museum Of Toys People Play With On TV. I think they plan to devote a new wing to this sort of stuff, located between "Mathematica" and "Fluidica", named "Pretendia". Hey kids! Let's go to the Land Of Pretendia to learn about the physics of "Andy Richter Controls The Universe"! -- K. Robert Clarke once filmed an entire science-fiction adventure film ("Beyond The Time Barrier") in a science museum. I've always wanted to see it. It's supposed to be somewhat bad. If you define "some" to mean "ve" and "what" to mean "ry". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Nicko on the mend Date: Wed, 3 Apr 2002 03:16:22 GMT Paddy Smith (pjsmith40@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > James Vandenberg (james@vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote: > > > > > > I have a complete set of books. > > > > Including, no doubt, the book consisting entirely of the repeated > > letter A, biographies of every alternate-universe version of Rudy > > Rucker, tourist guides to Tlon and Uqbar, a Tachypomp instruction > > manual, and a complete set of true and false indices to the rest of > > your collection. > > Did anyone ever write 'The Gallery of Babel', in which some people live in a > huge gallery of all the possible pictures that can be displayed on a 24-bit > 640x480 screen? That would be good, I think. Among other things, the Gallery > would contain the Library of Babel - but in all possible wacky colours and > fonts. You should not think about the set of all possible images, because that set would contain an incredibly erotic naked picture of William Shatner at his present age, and the necessary existence of such a picture is too horrifying to contemplate, let alone the existence of all other possible naked pictures of William Shatner in every pose, drawn in every style, photographed from every angle, with every kind of fruit or vegetable, with and without his wig, with every kind of fruit or vegetable as his wig, etc. Also, would all possible flavors of cottage cheese include a kind of curd named Lasswitz? Would it be eaten with Willy Ley's potato chips? Would dessert be a roll of Clifton Fadimentos? -- K. The cottage cheese would contain every possible ingredient, toy surprise, or live rodent. This is why Kibo's Imaginary Supermarket only sells all possible foods that could taste good. If you want the cottage cheese with rusty barbed wire and live rats, you want to go to a much more imaginary supermarket. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Potato chips, potato chips, I like potato chips (was: Nicko on the mend) Date: Sat, 6 Apr 2002 03:41:45 GMT Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, would all possible flavors of cottage cheese include a kind of > > curd named Lasswitz? Would it be eaten with Willy Ley's potato chips? > > I wasn't going to bother to mention the article from the paper, but since > this reference is an obvious plea for me to do so my hand has been forced. > > Frito-Lay will be doing something called a "reverse market test" with their > Wow brand potato chips in "part of Massachusetts". I hate to think what the consquences of "reverse"-anything involving Olestra ("May cause anal leakage") would be... "Warning: May cause oral leakage after these potato chips go up your butt... all by themselves. Bend over and think warm thoughts, here they come, in through your window!" > One can only assume that the "part of Massachusetts" where the product will > no longer be sold can probably be defined as a largish circle centered on > Kibo's home. One can only presume that Kibo mocked them into submission. There are basically two parts of Massachusetts. There's the area within Route 128, which contains Boston and some tiny suburbs such as Cambridge that don't have any famous stuff in them. Then there's the area outside Route 128, which is like Vermont or New Hampshire except the street signs are a different color at the little towns consisting of a church the size of a refrigerator and a cow. The hip, upscale, trendy, urban, wacky fun-filled part of Massachusetts is centered on me. The other part just fills up the state to keep it from being another Rhode Island. > The article goes on to say that this test is being done to see if the > non-availability of the Wow chips will get people to buy more things such > as Baked Lays for which Frito-Lay doesn't have to send a portion of the > profits to Procter & Gamble. This is just a transparent attempt by the marketing department of Frito-Lay to convince their boss they're geniuses. If sales go up... ...they'll run around in circles waving their arms above their heads yelling "YAY! We're geniuses! People are rewarding us for not selling them potato chips that cause diarrhea! We'll be rich once we introduce our new potato chips that cause bleeding eyeballs, and then take them off the market!" If sales stay the same... ...they'll run around yelling "YAY! We're geniuses! People love our corporate logo and don't care what they eat! No matter how many or how few products we sell, people keep giving us the same amount of money! Next year let's sell zero products and we'll still get rich somehow!" If sales go down... ...they'll run around yelling "YAY! People miss our laxative chips! We've gotten them addicted to diarrhea! We'll be rich once we introduce new Totally Twisted Super Soft Toileturds!" > There's also some stuff about the hype from when the product was > introduced about how it "was on track to be the best-selling new > food product in history" and some other info on how the FDA made > them put "may cause abdominal cramping and loose stools" on the > packaging. They're probably just jealous that BooBerry and Buzz Blasts got away without having to put that warning on their cereals, which have an even grosser (greener) laxative effect than Olestra. If they ever come up with a fat-free version of BooBerry loaded with Olestra, run away and hide under a waterproof tarp. Buzz Blasts, by the way, are a synthetic vannilin-flavored cereal (think the flavor of marshmallows but the texture of zwieback) which are green and purple, but they're covered with flakes of dried blue dye. I don't mean they're dyed blue. I mean they're _painted_ blue with opaque flakes of pure, unadulterated, solid dye. Don't say I didn't warn you. > I haven't bothered to try them yet as I prefer the full layer of lard > and salt that accompanies the more standard snacks, but perhaps I'll > have to give them a try before aggressive reverse marketing and > anti-commercials remove both the availability and desire for me to do so. They basically just taste like really lame potato chips, like the ones you've always avoided buying at the health-food store which are similar to regular potato chips in the same manner that carob is similar to chocolate. Not as lame as Baked Lay's, of course, which taste like cardboard. I still like the potato chips shaped like Hello Kitty's head, with the face printed on in delicious brown soy sauce. It's a shame they come in such tiny, child-sized boxes, and not from my kitchen faucet. Why do the public utility comapnies always refuse to install a potato-chip spigot in my home? I told them I'd pay for any potato chips that come out of it! Except the ones that get broken. -- K. So would Rich Hall's "dod + wow" store sell "Mom" potato chips? Or do they only sell those at Jordan's Furniture? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Christian saint rises from dead; writes book about it!!! Date: Wed, 3 Apr 2002 03:29:49 GMT In alt.religion.kibology, at 2:06 PM on Sunday, March 31, 2002, "TFADAM12" (tfadam12@aol.com) attempted to advertise: > > Christian saint rises from dead, > Writes book of prophesy and revelation. > > > Greetings! My name is Tommy Francis Adams. I was killed on the streets > of New York City in the summer of 1990 or thereabout! While this sounds > crazy, it is true. It's true, that sounds crazy! > The massive atomic explosions that have devastated the earth over the > last several years are a direct result of my presence in it! I'm sure glad I live on the other Earth. The one where candy is more plentiful than massive atomic explosions. > If you are baptized and have the Holy Spirit, you can ask Jesus directly > and he will tell you that I am the greatest man he ever knew. There > are numerous reasons for this amazing statement all of which are > delineated in a new book I have been instructed to write. If you are > not someone who loves their enemies with an undying passion, I love you, you asshole. > you will not be able to receive the basic testimonies of the > Holy Sp-rit found in it, however. G-sh. > The above statement makes me greater than all the kings and great thinkers > of human history. I am greater than all the great men of the Bible - > from Abraham to Moses to David to Solomon to John the Baptist! > I am greater than all the Popes who have ever ruled the Christian church, You know, they have this thing now called Protestantism... of course, you're probably not aware of it what because you're busy being smart and all. > including Saint Peter to whom the keys of the kingdom were given. > As such, the apostolic succession of the Church of Christ rests > firmly in my hands and I am the true father of the Jews. So, then, your dad was the grandfather of the Jews? > Resurrected by the power of the holy God, I have been sent in this day > and age to bring unity to the Christian church and to deliver Israel > from sin. I am the one spoken of in the books of Revelation (13:3; 14:4, > 6; 19:11-16; 21:7), Malachi (3:1-5) and Daniel (11:37). I am the > "god of women" spoken of in the last of these references. Big deal. I am God's gift to women. Bow down before me, especially if you're a foxy lady! Worship me and my stylish hair which is all real! Come join me for an erotic confession in my Church Of No Fat Chicks! > The book I have written is entitled, "The Kingdom Seeker: the Revelation > of Saint Thomas the Divine." According to Jesus, it is the most perfect > book ever written! It will probably win the Nobel and Pulitzer prizes. But then they'd have to put "Winner of the Nobel, Pulitzer, and Caldecott Prizes" on the cover, which would mean adding a line of text, and the book would no longer be perfect! > It details the events leading up to my assassination on the streets > of New York and my subsequent resurrection from the dead! It has > direct communications from Jesus by way of the Holy Spirit for the > Church of today. It is, without question, the most important book > you will read this century. The sobriquet is not my own idea but > is an official designation of the Holy Sp-rit. I'm sorry, I think the official designations are actually given by a spirit who isn't afraid to type vowels. Better luck next time, b-zo. > "The Kingdom Seeker‰¥Ï," is available only as an ebook over the > internet right now. You can get a copy at www.1stbooks.com. > The hardcover edited version of this book will cost $125.00, > but the ebook costs just $25.00. How much to buy a vowel? > The unedited hardcover version of this book costs one million dollars > and is not available in stores. The reason it is so expensive is > because it gives the secret of how to fortell your own and other > people's future simply by asking a few simple questions. I predict you will never have a million dollars in your bank account. > The future is a very expensive thing to actually be able to foretell. Yeah, you're even more overpriced than Miss Cleo. She only overcharges something like four dollars per minute. You overcharge a million dollars per idiot. > Any true fortune teller cannot do it for under many thousands, > even millions of dollars so beware of phonies. Miss Cleo must be real, because she's rich. > If you are a confirmed Jew, this service is free, however, although > you will still have to pay a nominal amount for the unedited version > of the book. You definitely get what you pay for in life! > > Understand that the edited version advertised here and available at > www.1stbooks.com differs from the uncut one by just five or six paragraphs. So is it more perfect without those paragraphs, or more perfect with the extra filler? > Please take advantage of this opportunity to get a copy of this most > important and veraci-ous book at more than half off from www.1stbooks.com. Wow! If it's marked down from _two_ million dollars, that would mean it's a bargain! And at only a million dollars, that's just a _little_ more than ten thousand dollars a page! (97 pages, according to the Web site.) > You'll be very glad you did! > > Bear in mind that if I testify about myself, my testimony is not valid. Oh, sure it is, but only over on the Earth that has nuclear explosions going off all over it every day. Still, it's easy enough for people to test your theory at home. They can ask themselves whether they've been blown up by a nuclear bomb lately, and if they're not dead, then you're a twit. Or, they can just think about the two sentences, "I was killed on the streets of New York City in the summer of 1990 or thereabout!" -- from this spam "I am the only author of the Bible alive today, as far as I know." -- from the book's free sample chapter ...and if they don't find anything inconsistent between your claim that you're dead and your even more absurd claim that you're not dead, you'll be proven not to be as wacko as you are. > There is another that testifies in my behalf and I know that His > testimony is valid. ...unfortunately, we're not told what blurb He gave this book. Want to know how low my opinion of spammers is? I bet this guy's not even insane, he's just pretending to be insane because he thinks he can make a fortune selling his manifesto for $125 a copy. After all, who would want the _cheap_ $25 edition? Better yet, step up to the million-dollar hardcover edition so it won't be missing five or six paragraphs! It wouldn't make sense without those! Someone's a for-profit prophet. You know, if he'd posted this a day later, I would have assumed it was some sort of April Fool's joke. Assuming it contained some sort of joke on someone other than himself. However, he posted it on Easter, so I assume it was just meant to be a giant chocolate- filled gift basket for all mankind. But all the plastic grass is missing -- I think he smoked it. Plus, he wrote a whole book that he paid to have vanity-pressed. Only someone like me would do that just for a prank, and I wouldn't sell mine as cheaply as a million dollars. -- K. This guy makes Criswell look like Bertrand Russell. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: urban archeology homework assignment Date: Wed, 3 Apr 2002 05:33:24 GMT "WHOSE TITAN ELBOW" (crgre+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > Look for and acquire other people's supermercado receipts, > folks leave them on the ground or in their carts oftentimes, > and then use them as your own shopping lists. I still haven't obtained anyone else's grocery receipt, but I do have one of my own which you people can make fun of. It's not exciting at all to analyze your own receipt, but you people should be able to go to town with mine. (This was a snacks-only run at the Super 88.) Y2K Beef W/ Pepper Noodle LOTUS Pork Rolls 13.4oz Y2K Sh Pork W/Garlic Noodle J T Peach Soft Drink 17oz YG Peach Flavor Tea 500 ml XIAMEN Cartoon Jelly Pop GT Singapore Yakisoba 120g NS Onion Fla. Rings 3.17oz KEEBLER Chicken Soda 450g KEEBLER Veg soda Biscuit 16 o Y2K Spiced Pork Noodle CHELSEA Europ. Dess.Mix3.63oz HADSON Wheat Cracker 2.11oz HANDMADE Candy 2.99oz CHELSEA Candy 103g GROCERY I don't remember what "GROCERY" was, but even if I did, I couldn't tell you or it would ruin the experiment and then nobody could get the Nobel Prize For Looking At Kibo's Snack Receipt. So, tell me what I was thinking, tell me how much I like chicken soda, and see if you can guess which item contains the most bacon flavor and which item looks like an angry Mayor McCheese with a rod up his butt. -- K. I only bought him because he looked evil. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: yet another attempt to revive "Battlestar Galactica" Date: Wed, 3 Apr 2002 07:39:46 GMT The Sci-Fi Channel is apparently making a miniseries. According to TestPattern.net: -> -> BATTLESTAR GALACTICA (4-hour miniseries) - SCI FI re-imagines the -> groundbreaking and beloved series in which ``a rag, tag fugitive fleet'' -> of the last remnants of mankind searches for its true home. Fleeing the -> aliens responsible for the slaughter of their homeworld, the Battlestar -> Galactica survivors must meet a whole new set of challenges. This -> intriguing twist on a classic will be written by writer Ronald D. Moore -> (Roswell, Mission Impossible II) with Breck Eisner (Steven Spielberg's -> Taken; The Invisible Man) attached to direct. Distributed by USA Cable -> Entertainment, the project will be executive produced by David Eick -> (American Gothic, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Spy Game). ...what makes this "an intriguing twist on a classic" is not mentioned. No word on whether any of the original actors will be hired back, or whether the writers will decide for once and for all whether the Cylons are robots created by insects or the insects that created the robots. Unfortunately, Lorne Greene and John Colicos are dead, but I'm still hoping they'll bring back the other actors, and maybe they'll let Ensign Greenbean do something this time. They could put him in command. Or they could at least give him one of those wristwatches that would let him turn invisible (but only while naked.) The Sci-Fi Channel's other new projects include miniseries based on classic novels such as "The Forever War" and "The Chronicles of Amber", and... um... a miniseries based on the compuer game "Myst", a show where Richard Belzer talks about conspiracy theories, and yet another knockoff of "Candid Camera". Okay, so we're getting a new "Knight Rider" and a new "Time Tunnel" and a new "Battlestar Galactica". So why isn't there a new "CHiPs"? Oh, there's a new Dr. Pepper commercial where Eirk Estrada gets arrested by two monkeys on motorcycles wearing "CHimPs" uniforms. Never mind. -- K. But why isn't there a new "Partridge Family"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I want more Date: Sat, 6 Apr 2002 06:00:12 GMT In sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > This article is for a record that I may want to use at some time to claim > credit for some ideas. This is cursed. Haven't you heard? The Nobel Prize committee no longer accepts records, only CDs and MP3s. How can we take you seriously when your theory hasn't even been pirated on Napster yet? > There are probably not any numbers and math. Girls and boys created fake > ideas like numbers. It is probably a lot more insane when girls and boys > talk about a matrix, ...a domi matrix? > a tensor ...Luxo Jr.? > and a series. ..."Knight Rider"? > I think there are things that can be thought of as positive compared > to negative and negative compared to positive. It is probably true > there are negative energy particles like tachyons. These negative > energy particles probably can have a negative temperature. Associated > with these particles there probably are negative not order, negative > power and negative work. It is probably true the not order of the > universe stays about the same because of negative not order particles. Your not theory is brilliant. However, your theory is not brilliant. I hope this doesn't clear up any misunderstanding you may have. > It is probably true a picture of a negative energy particle created by a > mirror is not the same as a picture of a postive energy particle created by > a mirror. This is associated with parity and inversion. Parity and > inversion are different for a negative energy particle and a positive > energy particle. Also it is probably true light bouncing off a negative > energy particle is not like light bouncing off a positive energy particle. Please stop badmouthing Luxo Jr. He may only emit computer-generated light, but it's still light. A picture of light is just as good as real light, or possibly better if the idea of a real lamp jumping up and down on your toys scares you as much as it scares me. One theory is that Luxo Jr. jumped up and down on you theory after the domi matrix whipped it and Knight Rider ran it over. Perhaps the little parts of your theory are partly cursed. Or perhaps it is like a jigsaw puzzle that they stopped manufacturing after they stamped out the first piece. Maybe someday we'll get another piece so we can see how they don't fit together. Excuse me, so we can see how they they not fit together. HULK NOT LIKE THEORY! HULK SMASH! LUXO JR. STOMP! KNIGHT RIDER RUN OVER! DOMI MATRIX SPANK THEORY! HULK LIKE SPANK! HULK WANT TO SEE THEORIES WRESTLING IN THEIR UNDERWEAR! -- K. What sort of instrument should we not use to not measure the cosmic not order? And where can I not buy it? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I want more Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 23:33:55 GMT In sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > [...] > > I have driven math girl insane and I am trying to drive her more insane. Well, don't try to take credit for my insanity! I was insane before you ever started talking to me. > I talked to her a lot about how numbers and math are fake and girls and boys > use numbers and math to talk about what is going on. Was this before or after you said "Mathematics proves I have to kiss your legs right now!"? > [...much stuff about God and cosmic rays elided...] > > A lot of light can make a star blow up. A lot of fusion could make a star > blow up. The U.S. is trying to make fusion bombs using emp bombs. An emp > bomb blows up. Yeah, but first it charges you $20 to walk around the little blob-shaped museum trying to get the needlessly complicated and oh-so-heavy Microsoft brand computer hanging from your shoulder to explain why the EMP keeps telling you that you can "play" all the guitars when really all you can do is push the "play" button on the little computer while looking at a guitar through bulletproof glass. At least I did eventually figure out that the EMP's logo was a guitar pick because there was no music before Les Paul and Leo Fender invented the guitar in the 1940s. That's about all I learned at the Experience Music Project, except I also learned that too many people have done parodies of Herb Alpert's "Whipped Cream And Other Delights". Oh, and real rappers "scratch" by using Fisher-Price style fake turntables with Automatic Simulated Scratchin' Action. -- K. I wish Kurt would start a museum. I'd pay $20 to go on any sort of simulator ride that would take me inside the mind of Kurt Stocklmeir. Even if it made me throw up. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: McDonald's 'collector' conquers North America Date: Sat, 6 Apr 2002 06:19:04 GMT l'AFP (via ClariNet) wrote: > > WASHINGTON, April 5 (AFP) - Peter Holden may well be the true > burger king, having dined at 11,000 of the more than 13,500 > McDonald's franchises in North America. > The 39-year-old Washington-area resident -- who works for an > imaging firm and spends a good deal of his time on the road -- He has to drive around picking up film from every Walgreen's drop box and then bring it back from the Kodak lab within 24 hours. > usually tries to stop at a McDonald's twice a day, for lunch and > dinner. > Yet Holden views himself as a McDonald's "collector" rather than > a burger addict. > "I'm a collector of the McDonald's dining experience," he said > in an interview in Friday's USA Today. "Why? Because it's there. Any > collector will appreciate the concept." Especially any collector who has yellowish-brown grease oozing out of every pore in their skin. > He said his all-time favorite franchise is the McDonald's > riverboat in St. Louis, Missouri. > During a recent business trip which had him on the road for > nearly two months straight, Holden added 125 new McDonald's > locations to his list. > "I was in heaven," he said. "Fifty-four days of McDonald's > food!" And the Taliban prisoners we're holding in Cuba keep saying they're being tortured, despite the fact they haven't even been forced to eat at McDonalds once, let alone twice a day for fifty-four days. > But his best-ever record was visiting 45 McDonald's locations in > one day in Detroit, Michigan, on October 26, 1975. Did he vomit in all of them, or just the last 44? > Standing 1.85 meters (six-feet, two-inches) tall and weighing in > at 88 kilos (195 pounds) with a cholesterol reading in the "normal" > range of 169, Holden says he is healthy. > "I'm lucky. It's genetic," he said, because he was born unto a clown! > revealing the secret to his fast-food diet's success. "But I rarely > eat the fries. The fries put on the weight." Ohhhh, yeahhhh, everything else at McDonalds is incredibly healthy. I say we should make this guy Surgeon General so that kids will no longer have to learn the confusing Four Food Groups or the Food Pyramid. THERE IS ONLY ONE FOOD GROUP! TWO IF YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE WEIRDOS WHO ORDERS THE ONLY SIDE DISH McDONALDS HAS! -- K. THREE IF THIS GUY ALSO EATS THE PLAY-DOH GLOBS FROM THE PLAY-DOH McDONALDS CHICKEN McNUGGETS PLAYSET! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Leader Kibo? Date: Sun, 7 Apr 2002 22:29:41 GMT Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I know you have investigated many strange and wonderful foodstuffs > in your time. Yesterday in a supermarket of my acquaintance, > I found a tall, pleasant looking jar containing something called > "Clamato Rimmer." > > Is this something I should have in my pantry? With a name like that, how bad could it be? (There was originally to have been a second paragraph here, but it was removed to avoid a conflict of interest, leaving only the single short line above, so now I have to do something else to kill some space.) SPOT AND THE CLAMATO RIMMER Copyright (C) 2002 James "Kibo" Parry Poor Spot! Someone had put a "Clamato Rimmer" bumper sticker on his Zamboni. Now, instead of driving it around the hockey rink, he had to drive it around the edge of a giant glass of tomato-clam blended beverage! Also, he got fired from his weekend job cleaning the ice at the figure- skating rink, because the Jell-O corporation had filled it with tasty vanilla pudding for a commercial which was intended to teach people that you can skate on the thick skin of Jell-O pudding, so of course they couldn't allow Spot to get his Clamato Rimmer in their pristine yellow pudding. He tried to perform a public service by cleaning all the ice on the river so that people could skate on it more smoothly, but instead his heavy Zamboni sank amid all the fragments of what used to be nice thick ice. The river was ruined! "Well," said Spot after the fire department's rescue team hauled him out of the ice water and defrosted his limbs with very expensive fire department hair dryers, "at least now I don't have a Zamboni with a 'Clamato Rimmer' bumper sticker, so now I can get my jobs back at the hockey rink and figure-skating rink." He marched towards the office of the figure-skating rink, which was at the far side, and Spot was determined to go there as quickly as possible so he walked across the yellow pudding skin. Unfortunately, Jell-O pudding can only support figure skaters, not dogs, so Spot sank! BLORP! Spot plunged into the yellow goo which was not unlike custard except that it tasted bad. He sank through several geological strata of Jell-O and Cool Whip, which he realized were the key ingredients of Pudding In A Cloud, and then fell out of that cloud into the sky of The World Of Commercials For Goo. There were figure skaters everywhere skating on pudding, and there were also fashion models and scuba divers being slowly lowered into mounts of shaving cream while ragtime music played. "Wow!" yapped Spot, "A whole 'nother universe I could get a Zamboni- driving job in!" Unfortunately, in this universe, Zambonis had been banned by law, and replaced by giant razor blades covered in stickers that said "Clamato Rimmer". Spot cried as people paid him to sit on the giant razor blade. "Waah! I don't even know what this is supposed to be a commercial for!" It wasn't a commercial for anything, of course. It was just the natural course of events for poor Spot to automatically gravitate towards any situation involving him sitting on a giant razor blade. He cried and cried. After a few hours, his sobs were interrupted by the sound of a whip cracking. "You varmints had best stop torturing that pathetic little puppy! Cut him down or I'll whip you good!" bellowed an authentic-looking ornery cowboy wielding a whip and wearing a bright red cowboy outfit with cartoon clams all over it. "Mah name's Clamato Rimmer and I'm the meanest, toughest, rootin-tootinest blended beverage accessory's mascot ever to walk this other Earth!" Spot and the imaginary cowboy who advertised Clamato Rimmer in this parallel universe that didn't really exist became good friends. And then Spot woke up, and his pillow was missing. "Waah!" wailed Spot, "I didn't know this would happen when I inflated my vinyl pillow with a mixture of tomato juice and pureed clams here in this third universe where Clamato is cheaper than air!" Spot showered, put on his scuba gear, and hopped onto his Zamboni to drive it to work through the ocean of Clamato which covered the third Earth five miles deep. Unfortunately, just before he got there, his Zamboni collided with a wall of Gillette Foamy lather which was studded with fashion models. And in this universe, Gillette Foamy was indeed thick enough to stop a speeding Zamboni. Spot would never be able to get to work unless he could find a way through the shaving cream! He sat down on a fashion model and started to think. He could find some of that tough yellow pudding skin and prop it up like a ramp over the wall of shaving cream. Except that this seemed to be a universe where there was no such thing as pudding skin. This explained why all cups of pudding here fizzed continuously while they evaporated before you could eat them. Clouds of pudding vapor were a major ecological problem. So, no pudding skin for Spot. Spot's second idea was to find a giant razor blade which could be used to scrape up some of the shaving foam. But this universe also seemed to have no razor blades. For this reason, every person here had a long beard, except the ones who were fashion models. Spot was rapidly running out of ideas, because this universe also had no fourth ideas in it. So he'd have to make his third idea really good. He had an idea that he shouldn't waste his final idea. "Waaaah!" cried Spot as he ran out of ideas at the bottom of the endless ocean of Clamato. THE END -- K. Why is it that whenever anyone made a commercial in the 1970s, they kept using it into the 1980s, while the film got scratchier and scratchier? Now all commercials are removed from the airwaves after six months, and replaced with other, worse ones. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Reform Party does it again Date: Sun, 7 Apr 2002 22:52:10 GMT Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I should say, *some* version of the Reform Party, since they keep > > having schisms. I don't think the "American Reform Party" you mention is all that similar to the real "Reform Party". Plus with the word "American" in their name it will hurt their plans to take over THE WHOLE WORLD! > > The American Reform Party's candidate for governor of Wisconsin > > is BILL REBANE!!! > > > > This is the man responsible for such movies as "Monster a Go Go," > > "Invasion from Inner Earth," "The Alpha Incident," "The Giant Spider > > Invasion" (starring the guy who played the Skipper on "Gilligan's > > Island"), and "Blood Harvest" (starring Tiny Tim). You may have seen > > one or two of these on "Mystery Science Theater 3000." Rebane works in > > a sub-Ed Wood stratum of filmmaking that is a wonder to behold. I hope > > that, if elected, he rules Wisconsin with an army of giant spiders in > > the form of furry Volkswagens with legs attached. Yeah, but he'd keep pretending backwoods Wisconsin is part of Canada, because he's too cheap to actually make a movie in Canada. He did that in "Invasion From (The) Inner Earth" (the definite article isn't very definite because it only appears some of the time), a movie in which a small town in the hinterlands of Wisconsin is the major city in Canada which is attacked by a cardboard flying saucer with marbles glued to it (he forgot to glue any marbles along the length of the string, though) and a flashlight beam comes down a guy's chimney and chases him around the room and then there's some footage of a fire engine driving around a smudgepot in circles while the camera tilts back and forth and back and forth to indicate that the aliens are rocking the Earth to see if they can make it fall over. > Just when I start to become too disgusted with politics to keep paying > attention, some glorious thing like this comes along. Usually from the > Reform Party. Just for that I'm going to make you watch more Jesse Ventura movies until you lose the ability to tell apart young Jesse Ventura and young Jim Belushi. Then in the next election, when you think you're voting for the Pro Wrestlers Who Thought They Could Act Party, you'll accidentally vote for the Brothers Of Famous Dead Comedians Party, thus throwing your vote away. Those of you who don't know what I mean should rent "Abraxas: Guardian Of The Universe". "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > steve peace -- one of the masterminds behind "attack of the killer > tomatos" -- is (was?) a state senator representing el cajon. Yes, but "Return Of The Killer Tomatoes" not only featured an unknown young actor named George Clooney, but also had a tiny role for... Gary Condit! So, kids, it is true, you too can live out the American dream of being in a bad attempt at parodying bad movies and grow up to keep your intern tied up in your basement. > the problem is that he was also a major backer of the utility > deregulation that resulted in the power crisis in california. Power crisis, schmower crisis. In Bill Rebane's "Invasion From The Inner Earth" the last survivors of Earth were trapped in a non-electrified cabin in the backwoods of Wisconsin with a flashlight beam chasing them around, and only a CB radio for company, leading to that gripping scene where Paul Bentzen gives a radio monologue for about half an hour. I forget whether the flashlight beam kills him. It seems like it should have, but it also seems like flashlight beams couldn't kill anyone. So I'm confused. Still, it was better than "Monster A-Go-Go" (which was called "Terror At Halfday" when Bill Rebane filmed it, the better title was applied when someone else tried to fix it up so it could be released) which ended with the audience receiving a telegram saying THERE WAS NO MONSTER! It was a bigger scam than Grover's "The Monster At The End Of This Book." Bill Rebane's best movie was "Blood Harvest", a horror film about people being killed by Tiny Tim in scary clown makeup. I guess Mr. Rebane was too stupid to be find Tiny Tim terrifying without a layer of evil clown makeup. -- K. Tiny Tim is one of the only four celebrities Matt McIrvin and I have been in a room with at the same time. I suppose this means the original Dr. Smith from "Lost In Space" is going to try for the Republican nomination. Walter Koenig will take over the Kremlin's psychic-warfare division, and Bobby "Boris" Pickett will take over the Department Of Labor to force us all to work in the lab late one night. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.games.whitewolf From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I have been robbed. Date: Tue, 9 Apr 2002 22:40:03 GMT Stephenls (stephenls@shaw.ca) wrote: > > The lock was broken on the front door, the back door was open, > and the VCR is missing, along with all my CDs and my Playstation 2. I find it astonishing that in this day and age people are still fencing (or trying to fence) hot VCRs, given that new ones sell for like $70-$150 (US) because the VCR industry has decided to make all new VCRs suck in order to get you to buy the $100-$300 DVD players. Aren't there a lot of things in the average home worth more than an old VCR? I mean, usually the TV costs more than the VCR, and it's not that much harder to unplug and carry. A pair of leather boots costs more than a new VCR these days. Given that a VCR isn't something you'd want to buy used in the first place (given that it has moving parts with a limited lifetime) are there really so cheap that they'd rather buy a stolen VCR instead of going to K-Mart to get a new one? Or did you happen to have some weird $800 VCR that lights up your whole room with its glowing white front panel so you have to turn off the VCR before you can go to bed because the VCR's luminous white rays go right through your eyelids even when the VCR's dimmer switch is set to "dim" and not "bright"? Maybe they're only stealing small things that they can put into pockets, like the CDs, and so they just took the VCR to throw you off the trail. > [...] they left my computer and all my DVDs, the television, > the CD player, and a twenty that was sitting in plain view > on the desk. I think the robbers were stoopid or something. Either that or they know more about computers than you. OH WHAT A BURRRN! And they were probably assuming that a clever guy like you left that $20 bill out as a trap, with anthrax under it or something. Or maybe you were robbed by evil Americans who didn't think a Canadian $20 was worth stealing. Or maybe they were just so hopped up on goofballs that they thought they were in a "Dungeons & Dragons" game and all your CDs in their "jewel cases" were actual jewels and that Canadian $20 was a scary monster with the head of Queen Elizabeth. > My sisters are quite shaken up, and my mother is rational > investigative. I, on the other hand, win awards for my sheer > mellowness. Oh no! They have stolen your fear and your upsetness! Send out a dragnet to nab that evil Salvadore Ross! (I think that was the first "Twilight Zone" episode I ever saw.) > Anyway, the police should be here in a bit. More as it develops. My condolences. I hope you get your stuff back, although I suppose that's unlikely as they've probably already scraped all the serial numbers off the bottom of your CDs and spray-painted them purple and driven them across the border to a lawless land like Edmonton or worse, Seattle. I'm glad they left your computer, as the music on the CDs can at least be repurchased, whereas if your computer went missing you might never find the same naked pictures again. Anyway, I suppose the lesson to be learned is: Always copy all your CDs onto your computer, and back up your computer files onto CDs, because robbers ain't smart enough to steal everything they should. And make three copies of all the stuff you've written, and put one copy in a bank vault on the opposite coast in case a meteor hits, and let the government hold another copy in escrow just in case you get a head injury that makes you become a terrorist because you're such a nice guy that you'd want the government to stop you if you ever stopped being such a nice guy. Also, if you live in a college dorm, don't buy a 5" portable TV with a convenient carrying-or-stealing handle. Circa 1985-1987, at Rensselaer Polytech, every holiday, local criminals would break into all the empty dorm rooms. Some damn Troylet still has my tiny TV! -- K. They left my computer, too. Was yours also made by Atari? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.games.whitewolf From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I have been robbed. Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 21:13:00 GMT "Jeremy Impson at home" (jdimpson@acm.org) wrote: > > Yes, but just a *few* leather things, like a wallet and the shoes are > currently wearing ($US19.99 from Pay-Less), cost less than a new VCR. Jeremy, is your wallet running? Well, you better go catch it while it's got your shoes! Also, I have it on good authority thay your grandfather got your nose when you were eighteen months old, and forgot to give it back. Sadly, he sold it to Woody Allen for use in "Sleeper", and you didn't even get any royalties. The Nose Actors' Guild (NAG) says you should have received nose royalties, unless it was a clown nose, in which case you should just get a replacement nose through Bebe Rebozo's Re-Bozo Re-Nozo program. Sorry, I've been reading about Richard Nixon lately. Did you know he did evil stuff other than Watergate? You know it's true because I read it in a book I didn't download from the Internet! -- K. Nobody really cared that the President's best friend was a crook -- after all, that's just guilt by association -- but the fact that the guy was named Bebe Rebozo is what made that particular scandal so important. I mean, if you were President, would you be caught with anyone whose name suggests he recycles clowns? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.games.whitewolf From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I have been robbed. Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 21:02:37 GMT Angelo Muscat (wrongwayup@ekilat.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > A pair of leather boots costs more than a new VCR these days. > > A lot of leather things cost more than a new VCR. Some times I think lea ther things may be cur sed. Girls do not like to kiss boys who have the skin of dead a nimals mashed up in side their VCR. That is wrong and naugh ty. There may be a curse a gainst any one who be lieves or dis believes my theories. One of my theories was used as the secret in gredient for Pep si. That is wrong. I think Pep si is cur sed and fizz y. Pep si tastes like Old Do Minion Uni Versity. ODMUV is al so cur sed. ODMUV likes to mash up dead a nimals in side its VCR. One time I tried to kiss ODMUV's legs but it said o gross. Now I am cur sed and gross. Where can one buy lea ther boots. There may be a curse on buy ing. Some times I break up words bad ly but I mean to because my space bar is cur sed. It may be a curse bar. Curse bars taste like Snick Ers. T heend. -- K. P.S. Wal Green's is also cursed be cause they are down stairs and bad. Okay. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.games.whitewolf From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I have been robbed. Date: Tue, 9 Apr 2002 23:54:24 GMT Richard Clayton (forty2@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Stephenls (stephenls@shaw.ca) wrote: > > > > Yup. For example, the musical instruments hanging on the wall were much > > more valuable and portable than the VCR. Thank goodness that robbers > > were st00pid. > > Not necessarily. Musical instruments are much harder to fence than an > old VCR. And pawn shops (in the U.S., anyway) are required to keep records, And they're also required to not sell cocaine. (I take it you've never lived in Boston's Combat Zone.) > so if you pawn two flutes, an oboe, and a trumpet the day after a family on > the other side of town reports the theft of two flutes, and oboe, and a > trumpet, you're an automatic suspect. I think anyone who owns more than one flute is automatically suspicious. I mean, you'd have to be some sort of pervert to play two at once, and you'd have to be standing up. -- K. Maybe the missing VCR will turn up over in the Combat Zone. I'll go look for it next time I go to that fake video arcade in that building where vaudeville was invented before the mob got out of the vaudeville business and into pinball. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.games.whitewolf From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I have been robbed. Date: Tue, 9 Apr 2002 23:47:31 GMT Stephenls (stephenls@shaw.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Aren't there a lot of things in the average home worth more than > > an old VCR? I mean, usually the TV costs more than the VCR, and it's > > not that much harder to unplug and carry. > > Yup. For example, the musical instruments hanging on the wall were much > more valuable and portable than the VCR. But musical instruments can only play stupid muuuuuuuuuusic, not "The Girls Of Enron Gone Wild 7"! > > [...] > > > > Or maybe you were robbed by evil Americans who didn't think a > > Canadian $20 was worth stealing. > > I'll have the police arrest every American in a ten block radius, then. > Well, maybe twenty, just to be safe. Is a Canadian block two-thirds the size of an American block, like your tiny money? It would be more elegant if a Canadian block was .7071 American block, because then you could join the two countries together quite elegantly by just rotating Canada forty-five degrees. This sort of thing seems to have already happened in downtown Minneapolis. Or maybe the architects were just confused because Mary Tyler Moore kept throwing hats at them while Barbara Bain threw shoes at her husband. > > [...] > > > > They left my computer, too. > > > > Was yours also made by Atari? > > No. It's an NEC. Oh. It must not be very good for playing video games then, eh? On the other hand, your computer probably didn't have a whole jar of black enamel model-robot paint spilled into it. I cleaned it out as best as I could, but a couple of the less-useful keys would still stick a little. Thankfully, I didn't have any software powerful enough to need me to press any exotic keys. -- K. The nicest program I had was a word processor that could use all 128k of memory, but you had to manually switch 16k blocks in and out. I used it to write about 128k of a novel, then I had to stop because the whole computer was full of badness. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.games.whitewolf From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I have been robbed. Date: Tue, 9 Apr 2002 22:42:27 GMT Stephenls (stephenls@shaw.ca) wrote: > > [...on being burgled...] > > Well, I look at it this way. I've been spat on, kicked, tripped, > taunted, and ostracized by stupid people who are also assholes all my > life. I decided a couple of years ago that it wasn't going to bother me > anymore, and hell if I'm gonna start letting it affect me again now. You are truly a brave person. I would never have the guts to tell the whole Internet it was okay for them to spit on me. -- K. Not for free, anyway. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.games.whitewolf From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I have been robbed. Date: Tue, 9 Apr 2002 23:29:43 GMT Stephenls (stephenls@shaw.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You are truly a brave person. I would never have the guts to tell > > the whole Internet it was okay for them to spit on me. > > There is a difference, of course, between "I'm not going to let myself > get bothered if you spit on me" and "go ahead, spit on me." You have a lot to learn about the Internet. (dramatic pause) Here, roving gangs of wanton spitters are cruising around in their cyber-vans just looking for people to be their spittle targets, and they will distort your intentions however much they have to in order to be entitled to spit on you with a clear conscience. (stirring patriotic music) Thankfully, there are other people wandering around the Internet aimlessly just begging to be spit upon, so us innocents can usually stay dry thanks to the likes of the super-genius mad scientists in alt.sci.physics.new-theories. (fireworks spelling out "Buy War Bonds" and "Don't Spit On Me") > The former implies a sort of "Don't get mad, get even" thing, > while the latter implies a sexual fetish strange enough that there > are probably websites devoted to it. > > /Pay/ websites dedicated to it, even. So, do you think they stole your VCR to fund their spit fetish? They might be using it right now to watch videotapes of Danny Thomas... -- K. I confess, I stole your VCR just to get you to post to alt.religion.kibology more often. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Closing and Clearance Sale of the American Mind Date: Tue, 9 Apr 2002 23:07:01 GMT S.J. Klein (eagle@agora.rdrop.com) wrote: > > So I was busy unsubscribing to a zillion newsgroups 'cos I haven > read news in a while and I use nn online and I haveta do it one > at a time (meaning its may actually be this and not my job that > finally gives me carpal tunnel) and I see all these "alt.bainaries.*" > groups. > > Got the usual stuff, including impudent misspellings of "blondes", > and then I got through that whole hierarchy level, and then I > realized there was no "alt.bainaries.barbara". > > Some new generation THIS is. The imminent death of usenet never > happened, and now it just doesn't matter. > > I feel so cheated. Well, you see, naked pictures of Barbara Bain were taken off the Internet after a series of scandals. First she got caught stalking Dick Van Dyke (she was last seen throwing shoes at his head.) Then, she worked briefly as a secret agent for the International Monetary Fund, but then she turned traitor and adopted a Russian accent and helped build a robotic basketball team that tried to overthrow the lawful democratic government of Gilligan's Island. Later, she snuck back into the United States and shredded the Constitition -- literally, as she made it into a blouse and then used profanity when she joined a cult led by Meathead. That's why the government passed a law making it illegal to distribute naked pictures of Barbara Bain or anyone else who acts like her. Especially if they act like she did on "Space: 1999". I still have the hots for her from the era when she threw footwear at Dick Van Dyke, though. Of course, that wasn't the first time she was competing with Mary Tyler Moore -- both women were on the 1959 TV series "Richard Diamond, Private Detective" but the rules of television back then required that Mary Tyler Moore only be photographed from the waist down, because she had such great legs, while Barbara Bain had such nicely-sculptured hair that they could only photograph her from angles that would best show off the angles in her hairdo. Barbara Bain's eternal hairdo is Eero Saarinen's finest work. The cheap imitation of it that Florence Henderson wore (in wig form) on the first season of "The Brady Bunch" didn't compare at all. Thankfully, Mrs. Brady eventually discovered her own special hairdo, and ever since then television has been blessed with two charming actresses who are recognizable by the shadows their hair casts. But you've gotta admit, the producers of "Space: 1999" (Gerry & Sylvia Anderson) must have done something to Barbara Bain right before making that show. Like, maybe they poured xylene into her coffee every morning. Or maybe she was just thinking "If I don't act, nobody will notice I'm in this awful show." I know of no other explanations as to why they could get such a bad performance from an actress who clobbered Dick Van Dyke in such a funny way. She can throw her shoes at me any day! Hollywood needs to get her more roles where she can do comedy. They'll probably have to, what with her being banned from pornography. -- K. And what about the time she got into that catfight with Mary Ann Mobley in one of those imaginary countries in Eastern Europe while Martin Landau was breaking out of jail? Barbara and Mary Ann created THE GREATEST DIVERSION EVER! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Going away for awhile... Date: Tue, 9 Apr 2002 23:15:41 GMT Alistair Gale (alistair@caribsurf.com) wrote: > > "Brack!" (tiki@iinet.net.au) wrote: > > > > I lost my camera during the trip, containing Kibo's worst fear, > > 'Okra', an indonesian restraunt specializing in... Okra dishes. > > Mmmm, slimey. > > Do you really mean that Okra is considered to be food in some > benighted corner of the world? Say it ain't so! My worst fear is not okra. I love okra! It's good pickled, or fried with curry breading, or boiled in gumbo. You've gotta watch out for its enslimening abilities, though, or it'll turn your soup into goop. My worst fear is losing my camera right before seeing a funny sign. -- K. Okra are sometimes called "lady-fingers" in Indian cuisine, but that doesn't mean you can substitute Twinkies. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TV Midseason Clogged With Failures / TV Ratings [Apr 9] Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 05:01:26 GMT For the Associated Press (via ClariNet), David Bauder wrote: > > NEW YORK (AP) -- Done in by viewer indifference last week, > Sally Field's ABC Supreme Court drama and CBS' reality series about > fighter pilots were two of the latest midseason shows to be yanked > from the air. How dare they cancel these shows before I've even heard of them! > Television's second season has produced no breakout hits and > several high-profile failures. > Field's "The Court," sent on hiatus after three airings, was > troubled from the start. It was sent back for rewriting -- never a > good sign -- and didn't make it on the air until after CBS' Supreme > Court drama, "First Monday." > Ironically, "The Court," with 7.9 million viewers Tuesday, > drew more than "First Monday" (6.3 million) last week. But the CBS > show aired on Friday, when expectations are lower because it's one > of the least-watched nights of the week. Maybe they should have merged the two shows into one flop I hadn't considered watching. Then at least it would just be derivative of itself instead of each other. > "AFP: American Fighter Pilot" was pushed into production on > CBS to capitalize on the nation's new patriotic spirit. But it had > only 3.8 million viewers last week -- easily CBS' least popular show > -- and was grounded after two airings. If I had heard of it, I would have assumed it was about a tawdry French news service that was obsessed with Dracula. > ABC's "Wednesday 9:30 (8:30 Central)" was shelved after its > second airing last week, I guess now I'm the only viewer to have seen every episode of that one. You may recall I said the first episode was very bad, except for a few of Ed Begley Jr.'s facial expressions. Well, the second one was a distinct improvement over the pilot -- the laugh track was only about 100 decibels instead of 300. And the "A" plot of the episode was clever and edgy -- John Ritter asks a network executive to dispose of a corpse he ran over with his car and decides the TV exec is unusually ethical because he agrees to help drag the body into the fireplace but not chop him up for John Ritter, television's most evil guest star. But the "B" plot pretty much cancelled out any with the "A" plot had -- a chimp got loose in Ed Begley, Jr.'s office and messed up the network schedule, and John Cleese boredly said it was an improvement. The "B" plot almost rose to the level of humor of Disney's "The Barefoot Executive" (in which a chimp predicted "The Mod Squad" and "Mission: Impossible" would get good ratings) but misbehaving chimps don't belong in good parodies of television. This is because chimps only show up in bad parodies of bad television, in much the same way that people wearing silver capes with giant shoulder pads only show up in bad parodies of science fiction, not actual bad science fiction. In other words, what was supposed to be a satire of everything else on TV sank to a level below what they thought they were making fun of. I'm surprised the chimp didn't talk. So I'm sorry for Mr. Begley that his show got canned so fast, but at least John Cleese will be dancing around the neighborhood happy that nobody will ever have to see the other four episodes he was forced to appear in against his will. > and Fox's "American Embassy," another show that suffered through > a fruitless reworking, also got the hook. Never heard of it either. I also wouldn't have heard of "Wednesdays 9:30 (8:30 Central)" if it hadn't been for Ed Begley Jr.'s Web site, where he mentioned that he had filmed a pilot called "The Web", and I did some research on that title because I was hoping it would be a show making fun of bad Web sites, and some other site told me the title was changed to the really forgettable one and then I found ABC's Web site advertising it. The Web site advertising the show was more clever the show, and ABC clearly didn't feel like advertising it on their own TV network. The third episode, which won't air, was scheduled for tonight: -> April 10, 2002, Wednesday 9:30 (8:30 Central) -> "Chinese Baby" -> After being told by her therapist that she has a lot of -> love to give, Lindsay takes a grandiose step and adopts a -> Chinese baby. Meanwhile, when the network invokes a cover -> story to conceal a very unorthodox weight-loss method used -> on an actress, David takes it upon himself to tell her the -> truth; and Paul struggles to find the perfect gift for a -> difficult star (Lisa Rinna, Melrose Place). > They join the graveyard of failed midseason shows, which > also include ABC's "The Chair" and Fox's similar "The Chamber," and > the WB's "My Guide to Becoming a Rock Star." Never heard of the third one, but the first two just struck me as having no real target audience because they involved obviously fake torture as their gimmick. If you think game shows that torture people are stupid, you wouldn't watch, and if you think torture is fun, you wouldn't watch these lame fake shows. (Same goes for MTV's "Kidnapped", where they claim they're torturing people by making them walk around in their underwear on TV and drawing fake tattoos on their body with a felt-tip marker.) > One midseason show that has done unexpectedly well is CBS' > "Baby Bob." Like NBC's "Leap of Faith," it has been helped by its > placement on the network's most popular night of programming. And let's not forget to thank Satan, Bob. There can't be any other reason the bad sitcom about the talking baby (with the really fake-looking lips) scored in the top 20 shows not just for its debut but also for the next two episodes. Black magic and demonic forces must be involved somehow. Sure, computer graphics can make the baby talk. But the computer couldn't make people watch. Only sorcery could do that. After all, the other times this sort of show has been tried ("Baby Talk") nobody watched, so clearly there's an external factor at work here... A FACTOR OF EEEEVIL. -- K. Has anyone checked the baby for a "666" birthmark yet? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Apologies Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 06:20:19 GMT Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Sorry for not stating right away that it was an MRI scan in my 'Hospital' > post. I seem to have scared some people. The results came back and I'm ok. Oh. Now I wonder if VeriSign will refund my money for registering HowDareLots42GoToTheHospitalWithoutGivingUsFullDetailsOfHisPotentiallyLife- ThreateningAndOrPrivatelyEmbarassingMedicalPsychologicalOrSexualProblem.Com. I'm glad to hear you're okay, but next time you're under general anaesthetic, you should have someone with you at all times operating a WebCam and taking QuickTime VR 360-degree pictures of the dark spaces inside any piece of machinery you're inserted into, and also some 360-degree pictures inside you. It's very important for you to keep us informed about all the gory details. How many Band-Aids of each size are in your medicine cabinet, and what are their expiration dates? I need to know for this graph I'm making for the new full-color comic-book-style Wall Street Journal. They said they were going to bump the eleventeen-color weather map from tomorrow's edition if I can get the scoop on your Band-Aid count. Also, could you please drink some of my leftover Citroma? -- K. And remember: Cadillac... Rocking Chair... Cincinnati. 52. The lion. Al Gore. That's all you need to know to avoid any damage from a head injury. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: If this aint kibological... Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 06:44:20 GMT Nicko (nervousnick2002@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Very Short Dream Description: > > I was looking at a sort of mandala thingie upon which was represented > each sign of the zodiac. > > One of the zodiac signs was--horror of horrors!--Orbitz, I shite you not! > Fortunately, this awakened me. > > Must. Change. Prescription. How much Orbitz did your doctor prescribe? You know you're not supposed to get the bottles refilled any more, right? Now when you take one of the bottles to Orbitz.com they just try to jam you into a crate to get you on a cheap airline that's not certified to take human passengers. -- K. Now that they don't make it any more, I need to look into making my own from water and tapioca pudding. But how do I make it taste flatter than regular water? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: FBI Lists Truck Bomb Warning Signs Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 07:37:13 GMT The Associated Press (via ClariNet) wrote: > > Subject: FBI Lists Truck Bomb Warning Signs An orange diamond with a stick figure getting blown up by a cartoon truck? > WASHINGTON (AP) -- The FBI listed warning signs Thursday that > might indicate plans by terrorists to detonate a truck bomb, but it > did not suggest any specific threats of truck bombs have been made > in the United States. If the terrorists try to alarm the public by issuing a vague hint there might be truck bombings here, it's a "threat". If the FBI tries to alarm the public by issuing a vague hint there might be truck bombings here, it's a "warning". > The warning was published on the FBI's Internet site and > e-mailed to thousands of companies Thursday "in an abundance of > caution," FBI spokeswoman Debra Weireman said. > Labeled "for informational purposes only," and "Here is the information you requested" and "To be removed from our opt-in list, call this overseas 900 number" > the warning urged citizens to be alert for these signs, which it said > might indicate plans for detonation of a truck bomb: People running away from a truck that's ticking? > --Theft of chemicals or explosives. > --Theft of respirators or chemical-mixing devices. Why would terrorists steal dust masks and a yardstick to stir with when they could get them at Home Depot? It's not like those are the expensive parts of the bomb compared to the explosives or the truck. And don't tell me they don't have Home Depot stores in parts of the world where things blow up every day, because where else could they buy enough duct tape to put the city back together every time it gets blown up? > --Rental of storage space for chemicals. But the human body is made of chemicals! All the customers of Motel 6 are terrorists! > --Delivery of chemicals to storage spaces. > --Theft of a van or truck capable of carrying more than one ton. > --Chemical fires or toxic odors in apartments, hotel rooms or > self-storage units. Is that why Calumet Market went out of business? After all, it smelled so awful, they must have been terrorists! > --Small explosions in wooded areas, which could be bomb tests. How do they tell the difference between a tree falling over where nobody hears it and a tree blowing up where nobody hears it? > --Reports of hospital patients suffering losses of fingers or hands. U.S. GOVERNMENT DECLARES WAR ON MOLOKAI FATHER DAMIEN CAPTURED, FOUND HIDING IN U.S. CAPITOL DISGUISED AS REFRIGERATOR (And on page 17, JAMES DOOHAN ELECTROCUTED BY TALKING CAR.) > --Chemical burns or severed hands that remain untreated. That sentence allows them to detain both Captain Scarlet and Thing. > --Surveillance of potential targets. Everyone, keep your eye on the nuclear reactor, and report anyone who looks at it! > --Efforts to obtain blueprints of potential targets. > The warning was published on the Web site of the FBI's > National Infrastructure Protection Center, responsible for > protecting the nation's most important computer networks and > physical infrastructures, such as power plants or telephone towers. Don't forget the continental plate. Evil people could just yank it out from under us and we'd all fall into the Earth's molten core. Is anyone keeping an eye on our continental plate? > "There's no indication that something might happen," said > Weireman, the FBI spokeswoman. "We have reached out to the community > to be on the lookout." Yes, the general public must always strive to protect the FBI. It's just too bad there's no government agency whose job it is to protect the public... -- K. There should be a show starring James Doohan, Captain Scarlet, and Thing. I'm not sure what it would be called, or why anyone would put it on TV, but I want it. And every Hanukkah they could paint Hebrew letters on Father Damien and spin him around while singing the dreidel song! For those of you who don't know why I think Father Damien is so square, visit the U.S. Capitol: http://www.aoc.gov/cc/art/nsh/damien.htm ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Now, where the hell is Plutonium Drive? Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 21:34:02 GMT > > "extempore" (extempore@myrealbox.com) wrote: > > > > > > Archimedes Ave. is only a few blocks east of here! Well, that gives you just enough time to take all your clothes off when you're running over to it to shout "Eureka!" "Half-a-buck Dharma" (eagle@agora.rdrop.com) wrote: > > Jonathan Benne (jdb@student.unimelb.edu.auy) wrote: > > > > All right already! Stop nagging me! Yes, I WILL go to Cranbourne and > > take photos of Kibo Court one day! Yeesh. > > That would make such a cool show. Kibo Court. Way better than The People's > Court, Judge Joe Brown, Judge Judy, and Judge Hatchett. > > Combined. It would have to air back to back with Archimedes Plutonium's Science Dungeon, where all those evil people like Einstein go for daring to come up with counter-arguments for Archie's theories before he's even been born. So, I'd put people on trial for doing things like mixing two different sizes of letters on the black ridgey signboard outside the movie theater, and then we'd turn them over to Archie for torture. Except that unlike "The Chair" and "The Chamber" where they were doing obviously fake serious torture, Archie would provide obviously real but non-serious torture, like singing his Plutonium Hymns to them. > > (I think Kibo Ct is the only street in the Melway to have the font > > squished in such an ugly way. Oh the poetic justice.) All those who squish fonts would be forced to eat nothing but squished food, such as Moon Pies sat on by Archimedes Plutonium. And as for poetic justice, criminals would have to listen to dramatic readings of "Ozymandias" by Emerson College freshmen, accompanied by the music of Archimedes Plutonium playing with the buttons on his microwave. -- K. And precisely once per episode Sammy Davis Jr. would show up in a judge's wig asking, "What's a Melway?" and then there would be a panel discussion of how to spell the title of Boots Randolph's "Yakety Sax" but we'd play the tape of the panel discussion at double speed. And cartoon chipmunks would run across the bottom of the screen, and occasionally a Whammy would steal everyone's money but mine. Imaginary TV is fun! There should be a whole network just for imaginary TV! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Now, where the hell is Plutonium Drive? Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 23:18:28 GMT Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > All those who squish fonts would be forced to eat nothing but squished > > food, such as Moon Pies sat on by Archimedes Plutonium. > > What about people who use sideways movable Z's as N's? They'd be taught the difference between PEN and PEZ in a very painful manner. And if they fell asleep and snored "NNNNNN", we'd use a cattle prod to teach them the difference between ZAP and NAP. > Also, pretty much the only time it's acceptable to pluralize > with an apostrophe is when you're referring to a letter, and > also maybe to abbreviations that are not acronyms, or something. Z's, "Z"s, I say they're both okay ways to say zeez. -- K. And if they don't know the difference between pince-NEZ and ZEN, then Buddha will sit on their nose until both are enlightened. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: sesame street versus artsy fartsy filmmaker! Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 22:47:44 GMT "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > it's always fun when media companies get into a sissyfight > over who is allowed to say what... > > [http://film.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/Exclusive/0,4029,681812,00.html] > > -> SESAME STREET LEGAL: FURORE OVER BERT AND ERNIE GAY FLICK > -> > -> Lawyers acting for the beloved kids' show Sesame Street > -> have targeted director Peter Spears over his short film, > -> Ernest and Bertram, which depicts the show's puppet stars > -> Bert and Ernie as gay lovers. > -> > -> ABC News reports that Spears' film, which screened at > -> Sundance this year, takes the form of a mockumentary and > -> ends with Ernie committing suicide. But the Children's > -> Television Workshop - the folks behind Sesame Street - > -> are objecting to Spears' portrait of their child-like, > -> bickering muppets as angst-ridden homosexuals. > > oh, sure, they don't object to ernie committing suicide, > but they object to him lisping! how are parents going to > explain THAT to their children? "look, mary anne! ernie > is hanging from a light fixture with his tongue hanging > out all purple and swollen! but at least he's not gay!" I figured the "Sesame Street" producers were only upset about the "angst-ridden" part. Everyone knows Ernie's gay (Bert's bi.) I mean, you've never seen Ernie sleeping with a woman, right? Therefore, he must be gay! > I'm glad CTW is going after people making fun of their > puppets, because this means next they will sue "greg the > bunny" for their count bleh character, thus making "greg > the bunny" a true-life story! and also, this will attract > the attention of universal studios, which INVENTED dracula, > and jack valenti will sue CTW! and possibly everyone else! > > anyone want to take bets on which game show host will be > the first to sue CTW for "guy smiley"? I think Guy Smiley will sue Don Music first. Also the producers of "Sesame Street" will sue Don Music for writing that wacky parody of the "Sesame Street" theme song. I'm told they stopped making Don Music sketches because every one of them ended with him banging his face against the piano keys as hard as he could over and over, but note that they kept showing the existing Don Music segments, leading to an entire generation of kids with negative images of piano keys where their faces should be. Even when I was a kid, I wasn't fooled into thinking Don Music and Guy Smiley were different puppets, just because one wore a wig and the other wore a toupee. Also, the producers of "Sesame Street" should sue these CTW people who claim to be the producers of "Sesame Street". The producers have been named Sesame Workshop for a few years, possibly because they realized that all their other shows sucked. But their name still includes "Workshop" because "Sesame Street" is still made in a basement by sweaty guys in tool belts. They were going to change the name to "Sesame Factory" but they decided to stick with the hand-crafted appeal of "Sesame Workshop". > -> Gossip about the private life of the pointy-headed, > -> pedantic Bert and the benign, cuddly Ernie is nothing new. Wait... do they get a different "Sesame Street" in England? Over here, Ernie is pure unadulterated evil! It's hardly benign how he keeps tricking Bert and eating cookies in Bert's bed and stuff. Cuddly, maybe, benign, no. Ernie represents destruction, trickery, and the sowing of cookie crumbs in other people's beds! I suppose that England does get a different "Sesame Street", where instead of having one Spanish word every day, it has one American word every day. There's probably one Muppet named Bud who keeps saying "elevator" and "truck" and "President". And don't get me started on the weird Canadian version of "Sesame Street". > -> Back in 1993, CTW even went so far as to issue a statement > -> which appeared to insist that the duo were red-blooded > -> Sesame straights: "Bert and Ernie, who've been on Sesame Street > -> for 25 years, do not portray a gay couple, and there are no > -> plans for them to do so in the future. They are puppets, not humans." That's right, all puppets are inherently straight. Puppets are never gay. ...but don't tell Wayland Flowers! > -> But the revelations peddled in Spears' mockumentary is > -> just the latest in a run of bizarre stories swirling > -> around the ill-fated muppets. Late last year, Bert > -> achieved a notoriety his creators could never have > -> envisiaged when he became the unwitting star of the spoof > -> Bert is Evil website, which portrayed the pointy one as > -> a machiavellian genius who consorted with Jerry Springer > -> and the Ku Klux Klan. > > the bert is evil website showed bert with hitler, osama bin > laden, and all sorts of evil people, and the first name that > comes to mind (for the guardian) is: jerry springer. And also they seem to have missed that that site has been up for about five or six years. (Last year, a pro-Taliban rally in some bizarro place like Bangladesh had people carrying signs with the picture of Bin Laden and Bert, because they were too clueless to realize it was a picture which made Bin Laden look gay.) > and also, I would like to point out that USaians other > than gary gygax or george will would never use the word > "envisiaged". I don't think Gary Gygax is a real American. After all, his name has two Y's and one X. His name is only barely within the bounds of what can be made in Scrabble (which has two Y's and one X, not unlike Jamie Lee Curtis) and is clearly made-up just to make him sound evil and demonic. Like Marilyn Manson or Andy Rooney. He doesn't have a typical American name like Bud and probably doesn't use the words "elevator", "truck", or "President" in conversation. Also, I agree with you, George Will won't but George Won't will. Plus he called that you were in a boomerang zone with no givebacks so for the rest of the day you have to be backwards. > -> At one stage, the muppet even became the focus for anti-US > -> protests in the wake of September 11. Apparently inspired > -> by the website, thousands of pro-Taliban protesters in > -> Bangladesh brandished placards which featured the hapless > -> Bert superimposed alongside President Bush. > > uh, what? > > I don't remember this happening at all. Me neither. Are English newspapers covering news from the other universe now? > what I remember is that people in bangladesh downloaded > a bunch of pictures of osama bin laden, including one from > a "bert is evil" website that showed bert standing next > to osama. Yay! I am corroborated! Happy Corroboration Day to me! > which is why the guardian know about the "bert is evil" website ... > but apparently they have forgotten why they know this. After enough exposure to newspaper Web sites, I've forgotten why I know anything. Assuming I do. > however, I fully expect people to rewrite their memories > to be consistent with the guardian's revised history. The worst thing about the Guardian is that their reporters all wear overalls with pink and white stripes, just like Andy Panda. (Degree of difficulty: 9.3 for normal humans, 7.1 for nerds.) -- K. Also, the Guardian's articles all have the sentences "Eldrad must live!" and "Welcome datacomp!" in every fifth paragraph. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: sesame street versus artsy fartsy filmmaker! Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002 03:06:23 GMT Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And don't get me started on the weird Canadian version of "Sesame Street". > > Hey, how aboat that Canadian version of Sesame Street, eh? Well, the main problem with "Canadian Sesame Street" (now called "Sesame Park", I believe, the remove the stigma of it being Canadian) is just "Sesame Street" with all the wrong Muppets. Like an otter Muppet and a beaver Muppet and there's a French word once in a while. Or so I've heard. I've never gone to Canada just to watch "Sesame Street", and "Canadian Sesame Street" seems to not be available on home video from any of the retailers I just checked -- although I definitely did see a videotape in Blockbuster once which was definitely from the weird Canadian version of "Sesame Street". (It said "Canadian" in really microscopic letters above the fuzzy moose and Quebecois knight and the other slightly ethnic Muppets. By the way, when did they have knights in Canada? I thought they had progressed from feudalism to Mounties.) Incidentally, why didn't anyone tell me I should be mail-ordering my DVDs from Canadian retailers instead of American ones? I heard that there were some "Lexx" DVDs available only in Canada ("Lexx" was a Canadian-German- British-taxwriteoff production, so I guess the early episodes are only sold in Canada because Canadians like anything made by Canadians) and while I was shopping around sites like CDplus.com (which had the best prices, but the smallest selection and least verbose descriptions) I noticed that almost any movie for sale in the US is for sale in Canada at lower prices. (God bless Canada's 62% exchange rate.) My understanding is that Canada and the United States are cross-compatible when it comes to DVDs -- because both countries are in Region 1 and both countries use NTSC televisions -- so I'm guessing the differences are solely that the DVDs will have a tiny maple leaf on the back of the package, and a smaller amount of royalties will go to the Canadian distributor instead of the American distributor. Oh, and instead of being in "full color" the picture will be in "all dressed colour". Is there any reason I shouldn't be buying all my DVDs from Canada? Are they so cheap because they're covered in Canadian Cooties or something? Also, what else is there that is available _only_ in such Canadian editions? I'd like to know what else is missing from my complete collection of all movies ever. (Sure, there are plenty of American DVDs I don't own, but I don't particularly miss them. I'm just curious if there's anything else interesting that's available only in Canada.) And why has all evidence of "Canadian Sesame Street" been removed from all stores everywhere? Could someone please tell me where to get "Canadian Sesame Street" reruns just so that I could choose not to buy them? -- K. They should sell a DVD boxed set with one episode of every foreign version of "Sesame Street", even the ones from evil countries. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Kubrick Elevator Date: Wed, 10 Apr 2002 23:11:42 GMT Brian 'Jarai' Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I formulated my theory of disturbing movies. There is good disturbing > > and there is bad disturbing. If the disturbing things about the movie > > just make you question the filmmaker's motives, that is bad disturbing. > > If they make you question YOUR OWN motives, that is good disturbing. > > Okay, but I'm not sure which bucket _Death Race 2000_ fits into. Good movies don't fit into buckets. Really good movies won't even fit into bathtubs. Heck, I have the Criterion Collection release of "Brazil" where the DVDs are in a box that won't even fit in my house, I have to keep it outdoors. However, if there was a way of using a centrifuge to separate Ib Melchior from the rest of the people involved in the original "Death Race 2000", I'd put Ib Melchior in the bozo bucket. Nothing personal, it's just that I've seen everything else he's ever done. Oh, and if Roger Corman could be extracted, he'd go into a really cheap bucket where they stopped making it before it had a bottom. But all the other people involved with "Death Race 2000" get special candy-striped bonus points for managing to make a movie with a concept that ridiculous turn out to be actual entertainment. The remake of "Death Race 2000" probably won't even deserve a bucket, unless you count a toilet as a kind of bucket. (flushing noise, accompanied by shouts of "Hey! I was trying to watch that!") This is because there's never been a remake that deserved a better bucket than the original. All this assumes you like to be disturbed, of course. Please vote NOW on whether you should be more disturbed or less disturbed by the remake of "Brazil" I'm giving Hollywood the idea to make right NOW. -- K. So, if David Fincher and Chuck Palahniuk got into a bare-knuckle fistfight, how long would it take for Palahniuk to lose? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: FDA Says Nicotine Lollipops Illegal Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002 00:23:20 GMT For the Associated Press (via ClariNet) Lauran Neergaard wrote: > > WASHINGTON (AP) -- The Food and Drug Administration cracked > down on sellers of nicotine-laced lollipops and lip balm Wednesday, > declaring them illegal and ordering that three pharmacies stop sales > immediately. > The lollipops in particular pose a risk to children because > they look like regular candy, the FDA warned. Yeah, but what kid wants "regular" candy these days? They all want things that look like a bag of wet blue intestines or something else equally gross, like Jar Jar's tongue. > "The quantity of nicotine could be potentially dangerous to > a small child," said FDA attorney David Horowitz. So why don't they ban regular cigarettes because they look just like candy cigarettes? > The FDA determined that the lollipops and lip balm are being > promoted as smoking-cessation aids, which under federal law renders > them drugs -- and the agency must approve drugs before they sell. Fortunately, the manufacturers of nicotine-filled lollipops will be able to get around this rule by claiming that nicotine is a vitamin supplement. > Pharmacists can "compound" drugs, mixing up medications in > different forms to make them easier for patients to use. But the > lollipops and lip balm contain a form of nicotine never tested for > safety and thus not legal to compound. Pharmacists can make drugs into lollipops? Hot damn! The next time my dentist gives me a prescription for a painkiller I'm gonna demand it in the form of a delicious sugar lollipop. > Horowitz urged smokers who bought the products to switch to > FDA-approved nicotine gum, patches or other smoking-cessation aids, > which contain a different form of nicotine. ...or just go back to smoking nice safe cigarettes! > [...] > > The Compounding Pharmacy also quit sales Wednesday, although > owner Larry Frieders said, "I still think the lollipop is a great idea." > When a customer mentioned that it's hard to suck a lollipop > in church, Frieders created the lower-dose lip balm: "Licking your > lips can help you lick the habit," his Web site advertised. I predict that we'll soon see nicotine-flavored edible underwear. I will not attempt to predict the slogan. -- K. Also, do nicotine lollipops come in clown-size? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Hey kids! Stale, deformed bagels are funny! Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002 04:08:43 GMT To compete with the major brands of "Mommy just doesn't care any more" boxed lunches for kids -- such as Oscar Mayer Lunchables -- someone's come out with an almost-kosher alternative: Funny Bagels. (They're not actually kosher, but they do claim to be bagels, which makes them at least slightly more ethnic than Oscar Mayer's Cheez-Whiz-And-Crackers combos.) And they're not even bagels either. Real bagels are circular, about five inches across, with a hole in the middle. Funny Bagels are shaped like this: ############################ ############################### ################################ ############################### ######### ############################### ################################ ############################### ############################ (actual size) They're just tiny breadsticks folded in half. You get two of them in a box, which is almost enough to construct a whole miniature bagel. And, of course, they're refrigerated not-so-fresh bagels with a texture not unlike cold, damp leather. My supermarket was out of Funny Bagels Ham, so I tried the Funny Bagels PB&J, which included a tiny amount of peanut butter and jelly, a tube of squirtable pink yogurt, a little box of juice, and two fortune cookies. No, wait, those were the Funny Bagels. Putting it all together allowed me to get a small amount of cold undernourishment, almost as good as if I had spread a teaspoon of peanut butter and a teaspoon of jelly on one slice of bread manufactured last month. Bleh. (They apparently sell a "Kosherbles PB&J" box which is exactly the same except for a Fruit Roll-Up instead of the yogurt. But I'm sure Kosherbles are still bles.) But the real horror of Funny Bagels is not the awful substitute for actual bagels... the real horror is the mascot on the package. Start with a regular real normal round bagel. Now cut it in half so you get a "U" shape. Okay, now add two huge feet to it (give one foot yellow skin and the other brown skin to indicate multiculturality.) Now add two bendy arms, ending in hands of vastly different sizes. For a face, draw a grin that covers most of the "U" shape, with a big wet tongue sticking out. The eyes need to be bright red with thick black rings around them for extra evilness, and giant bushy black eyebrows to accentuate it further. Finally, seven globs of fluorescent orange lava have to be flying out of his mouth at you. I swear I am describing the front of this box as accurately as I can. There's a slightly less scary version of the thing (with a consistent fleshtone and no spurts of flying lava) dancing spastically on their Web site, which is mainly devoted to plugging an on-line bank for kids (I don't even want to think about how evil that could get.) Almost everything you can click on bounces you over to funnybanking.bittime.com, and I predict that no matter how many times you read this sentence you will think the bank is named "BiteMe.com". The "Play Games" link at the bank goes to a page with nothing but the words "In this page..." on it. The bagels come with a chance to win a free Playstation 2, but you have to open a bank account to see if you won. Opening the account requires giving them both the child's and parent's E-mail addresses. This is the first time, to my knowledge, a crappy fake convenience food product has been designed solely to promote spam. Oh, nuts. I told them Spot was two years old (that's the youngest the popup menu of birth years allowed) and they sent his disposable E-mail address a form which Spot's Mommy or Daddy needs to sign and _fax_ to them. And I don't feel like doing that. I'll tell them Spot's now thirteen, because they say he has to be 13 or over to use their stupid site by himself. This is a lot of work just to redeem my 100 Funny Money points which work just like cash in that I can get a *F*R*E*E* PlayStation 2 by just sending them 25,000 Funny Money points and 600 box tops. The top prize is a Sony "Aibo" robotic dog for 50,000 points and 2,500 box tops. Note that these box tops have to be collected by February 20, 2002, so there's little chance of me being able to travel back in time ten years to eat one of these every day until last month. Assuming, of course, that they're not lying about having any of these unclaimable prizes available. I don't remember how much this box cost, but it was probably about three bucks, so that means that for only $1,800 (and a time machine) I could get a PlayStation 2 and lots of spam. For $7,500 (and a time machine big enough to hold my weight in box tops, and postage for same) I could get the toy dog. Fortunately, there's also an instant-win wheel-spin that happens when I type in the magic code number that tells them how old the bagel I just ate was. (I'm guessing it was made before February 20.) Okay, I typed in the magic code "V3V3YNUM" and now to find out whether or not I won I have to wait a few minutes for it to load some animation named "SpinToWin_lose.swf". Gosh, I hope I win. Oh no! I lost! The scary red-eyed mutilated bagel monster with one brown foot is crying! Little blue tears are coming out of him instead of orange gobs of whatever that other stuff was! Well, that means it's time to turn off Spot's E-mail accounts, both the one he had when he was 2 and the one he had when he was 13. And I think he's going to go throw up now. In summary: Avoid Funny Bagels. I wasn't expecting them to be good. I just bought a box so I could make fun of the mascot for you. And I regret it. -- K. If I'm ever about to die in a plane crash I'm going to yell "I REGRET EATING FUNNY BAGELS!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hey kids! Stale, deformed bagels are funny! Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002 05:30:56 GMT Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, I typed in the magic code "V3V3YNUM" and now to find out whether > > or not I won I have to wait a few minutes for it to load some animation > > named "SpinToWin_lose.swf". > > Wow! Seriously? They named the file lose? Would I lie about something this important? Of course, the one you get when you win one of the prizes you don't win is named "http://funnybanking.bittime.com/SpinToWin_win.swf". It features the Hairy Half Bagel Troll jumping up and down and doing a cartwheel because YOU WIN!!!! At least the loser rigged wheel (http://funnybanking.bittime.com/SpinToWin_lose.swf) stops on different spaces each time it loses. Although, I don't think either version ever stops on any of the blank spaces where they couldn't think of any new ways to say "YOU LOSE! EXCEPT WE DON'T HAVE TO PUT ANYTHING HERE BECAUSE WE KNOW THE WHEEL WILL NEVER STOP HERE! WHEEL IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY!" So apparently just like a real slot machine, the computer decides whether you're supposed to win or lose, and then generates a random outcome to match. Sort of like how they make sitcoms. "It doesn't matter what happens, as long as the chimp ends up in the vat of chocolate syrup! Now pull the lever that makes the rest of the show!" I suppose you could try the other three hundred million codes formatted like the one I got (letter-digit-letter-digit-letter-letter-letter-letter) and see if any of them are winners. I would have assumed none of them would be (given that they made it impossible to even _buy_ the prize by redeeming an ungodly number of boxtops in a short period of time) except someone clearly made both animations, which is more work than William Castle did on "Mr. Sardonicus" (the film where you could vote on whether or not the title character dies horribly at the end, and of course William Castle only made the one ending where the hideously deformed half-a-bagel-shaped Mr. Sardonicus lost.) I should add that even if you do manage to win a whole lot of Funny Money points, the 100 FM bill I have says at the bottom, "For use only with Funny Bagel Food Company," so I don't think it's legal tender. These bagels weren't even illegally tender. I wonder if they were the size of normal bagels when they were first stamped out a month ago? Oh, and after you win, you have to mail in the original certificates with the code numbers printed on them. So it would be pointless to try to cheat at this worthless contest where you can't even win the stupid crappy junk nobody would want anyway. JUST SHUT UP AND ENJOY THE DELICIOUS BAGELS, KIDS!!! Wait, there's also a "Funny Joke Card" in there, according to the back of the box. I almost missed it, underneath the plastic tube of yogurt I didn't eat because I accidentally forgot to refrigerate it overnight. Oh, my. It shows a demonic-looking Funny Bagel (his head is a giant pair of horns) executing a rather sloppy ski jump with his tongue hanging out. And for some reason the artist signed and dated it ("Illegible, Asterisk, 10-11-01") so now I know these bagels were made between last October and February, assuming they weren't intentionally giving out expired contest entry certificates. The back of the card has some truly funny jokes, if you spell "funny" "ouchie": -> FUNNY JOKES -> -> Why did the cops arrest the baseball player? -> They heard he stole third base. Afterwards, the third base coach enjoyed Funny Bagels... because he was DE-BASED! -> What state takes the most showers? -> WASH-ington! Why do Funny Bagels' jokes make you feel rich? Because they're like taking a GOLDEN SHOWER! -> Why does Dracula love computers? -> Because they have mega-bites. What does Dracula have in common with Funny Bagels? They both SUCK! -> Who is in charge of school supplies? -> The ruler. Why can't a Funny Bagel be twelve inches long? Because then it would be NUTRITIOUS. HYAW HYAW HYAW HYAW HYAW HYUK HYUK HYUK HYUK HYUK HYAW HYAW HYAW HYAW HYAW URP! So, now I've ruined the surprise ending to all the jokes, and ruined the surprise only ending to the non-contest, and the Funny Bagels certainly ruined my appetite and now that you know all about them you don't have to try them and you can thank me in the form of tens and twenties. Real ones, not Funny Bagel Brand Funny Money For Use Only With Funny Bagel Food Company (Do Not Eat.) -- K. Speaking of "Do Not Eat," I'm working on a page where I review the most dangerous toys in the world (I've collected nine really excitingly dangerous ones so far) and one of the ones on my list actually needed to say "Not a gum. Do not chew." Do you have any suggestions for anything else I should include on my list of toys that can dissolve skin, cause brain damage, or render you unto eternal damnation? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: More details on Children's Nuggets Of Fun And/Or Chicken. Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002 05:48:46 GMT You may recall that, about a month ago, I compared and contrasted Swanson Fun Feast Chicken Nuggets with Kid Cuisine Fun Nuggets. (I thought the Fun Nuggets were considerably worse.) Well, last night, at the Fenway Star Market (the one where the ethnic foods have to stay in the cloakroom, except for the polenta, which is in at least four places, and the Kool-Aid is in the freezer section) I saw that they had both Kid Cuisine Fun Nuggets _and_ Kid Cuisine Chicken Nuggets, complicating the shopping of children everywhere. The current incarnation of Kid Cuisine Fun Nuggets has Peter Pan on the box and the nuggets are shaped like Captain Hook's severed body parts. Kid Cuisine Fun Nuggets have their generic penguin character on the box, and are shaped like circles. The chicken nuggets (all grayish-brown meat darker than even normal dark meat) are the same in both cases, except for the shape and size (three small fancy-shaped ones versus five tiny round ones.) You do apparently get 10% more food (8.8 ounces as opposed to 8 ounces) with the ones which admit they're made of chicken, but you don't get as much fun. Fun Nuggets include pudding with a packet of blue sprinkles. Chicken Nuggets include a brownie with a packet of red frosting. EWWWWW! RED! IT'S NOT AS MUCH FUN AS BLUE! Fun Nuggets include applesauce with magenta dye in it. Chicken Nuggets include macaroni and cheese with yellow dye in it. Fun Nuggets have as an ingredient "whole dry eggs". Chicken Nuggets have as an ingredient "dry whole egg". Only one. I think I broke a tooth on it. Both include corn, although I assume that the corn in the Fun Nuggets is in some way more fun than the corn in the Chicken Nuggets. Like, maybe it's clown corn or porn corn. Incidentally, the generic-looking penguin mascot is named "K.C.", is 8 years old, and lives in "Frozenobia, a polar world very different, yet very much like our own. K.C. has discovered an old scrapbook in his grandfather's attic about a place called THE FORGOTTEN KINGDOM. This book is the source of his adventures with his friends. Look for more adventures from K.C. and Frozenobia." Wow! I can hardly wait until they make up the rest of the deranged backstory about this frozen wasteland exactly like my home but completely different in every way! -- K. And remember, you can't spell "Frozenobia" without spelling "Zeno". And you can't spell "Zeno" without first spelling half of it, and you can't spell half of it without first spelling a quarter of it, and you can't spell a quarter of it without first spelling an eighth of it, and so on, and now you can never finish reading the back of the box! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Logos That Make You Go "Huh?" (paging Joe Manfre) Date: Thu, 11 Apr 2002 05:55:37 GMT Please mention at least one other corporate logo that has changed since your childhood and become evil, so that I can segue into this thing. Also I call dibs on Pringles and Reynolds Wrap. Anyway, please choose a logo to mention, and please do so above the following article. Thank you. KIBO'S ARTICLE ON TWO LOGOS, WHICH NEEDS A SEGUE BEFORE IT As a graphic designer who's worked on quite a few logos, I know that often businesses do just revamp their logos every twenty years or so in order to keep them looking modern, or because some sort of internal power struggle or merger causes them to want to indicate they're breaking with tradition. But why do some companies abandon their logos, even in cases where the logos are burned into the public's memory? Reynolds Wrap is a good example. I could draw that little knight from memory. He's on a prancing horse. His only visible leg is sticking out oddly as if he's a one-legged man sitting sidesaddle. Instead of a plumed helmet he's wearing Pinky Lee's crushed pork-pie hat. He's waving a giant sword over his head. Oh, and other than the hat, the main armor he's wearing is a tall, skinny loincloth hanging down the side of the horse. I get the feeling whoever drew that logo was into Freudian symbolism because not only is the knight brandishing a giant sword as a symbol of his manhood, but his loincloth is exactly the same length and width as his sword. Not a great piece of artwork, but it was familiar enough that I can remember it in exact detail even though they haven't used it in a few years. (And I don't think I've ever purchased a Reynolds product, I just remember the logo from my mother's use of Reynolds Wrap and Cut-Rite wax paper.) Isn't that the point of a logo on a consumer product -- to get you to memorize it while they leave it on the product forever? But in the last reworking of their package design, they kept their odd color scheme (dark blue box with diagonal salmon-pink stripes around one end) and eliminated their corporate logo completely. The color combination is memorable (partly because it's so weird) and an essential part of a recognizable corporate identity, but why did they decide they'd rather have no logo instead of their well-known logo? It's like if McDonalds said, "Ah, screw the Golden Arches, from now on our signs will just say 'McDonalds' in a typewriter font with a perfectly normal 'M'. We'll keep the red background, but from now on our signs will just be red rectangles, no stupid logo sticking out. Who can remember or recognize stuff that has a distinctive shape? Not me! Also, can we make the Filet O'Fish have sharper corners?" The idea of dropping the logo is even weirder when you consider how much of their marketing budget must have been devoted to getting the logo to be so recognizable in the first place (in advertisements, in package design, and in the printing of the packages -- supermarket products are often printed in seven or eight colors just so they can make the logo look good.) If I were Reynolds (a division of Alcoa, the aluminum cartel) I would have just fixed the logo up a little, redrawing the knight look a little more heroic while maintaining a similarity to their previous design, instead of deciding to make the foil's package look just like the generic supermarket imitations of it. Of course, it's possible that they dropped the crusader because the logo was offensive to Muslims who use lots of foil, or prudes complained that the knight wasn't wearing pants, or something. It could just be that after Alcoa absorbed them two years ago they're not supposed to look independent. I'll be right back after I go to the supermarket. (... commercial break ...) I just went to the Prudential Star Market in order to buy some snacks, and to look at the foil. (They've just put in new escalators connecting the subway station to the complex the market's at the other end of. The escalators are oddly wide, as if they're designed to accommodate wheelchairs going down them. Now you can get from the subway to the supermarket without ever going outside, provided you don't mind walking over a quarter mile of cross-sections of animals that died 200 million years ago.) Reynolds has indeed removed the logo from most of their products, such as Cut-Rite wax paper and all the weird mutant products designed to solve a problem nobody had (such as tinted plastic wrap cut into elasticized circles, and pouches made of foil for cooking fish filets in your dishwasher.) But the standard Reynolds Wrap foil -- the one in the blue box with the pink tip -- does still have the knight. He's been moved to the back of the box, where he serves no conceivable purpose as a logo, and to indicate that they realize this, they also shrank him down to the size of a Tic-Tac to keep you from accidentally seeing him. Their corporate logo is their little secret! He is indeed drawn as I remembered him -- odd stiff leg, loincloth flapping in the breeze, sword raised high, funny little melted hat. I had a vague memory he had a shield with an "R" on it, but I didn't remember he was holding the shield directly behind him. And I didn't remember at all that he was slaying a dragon who looks like a deflated sea horse. It might not be a loincloth. It might be his tail, if he's facing forwards and not backwards or sidesaddle, and if he has a stringy tail. Maybe he's half-knight, half-rat. And now, a pause for snack time. (... snack break ...) Pringles potato chips (a product of Procter & Gamble, invented in 1968) are an excellent example of a company that fiddles with their logo incrementally, whenever they get sick of the flaws in the current one, while still maintaining continuity. (AT&T and Morton Salt are other examples shown in many books on graphic design.) When Pringles first showed up on my local supermarket shelves in the mid-1970s (why did it take so long?) they were called "Pringle's Newfangled Potato Chips", with the smiley- face mascot being "Professor Pringle", wearing a straw hat and pince-nez and a bow tie, with his hair parted down the middle and a big handlebar mustache, for a really bad Seventies attempt to do Gay Nineties. Why was it important for these potato chips to pretend they represented a vision of futuristic food from the distant past? Shouldn't there have also been a zeppelin on the can? The word "Newfangled" disappeared, and over the next two decades, various other elements of the logo were dropped. Sometime around the mid-1980s the pince-nez vanished, because apparently Procter & Gamble figured out that everyone hates people who wear glasses. I think they were afraid we'd think that a cartoon character with eyeglasses would be too nerdy to invent artificial potato chips, even in the 1890s! But then, several years later, they decided that the blank white area of the smiley face where the pince-nez had been needed something cheery, so they put in some ovals filled with horizontal red stripes, which were supposed to represent rosy cheeks, or possibly infected cat scratches. Then, the red cheeks disappeared from whence they came. Somewhere along the line, "Professor Pringle" became "Mr. Pringles"; You can buy your kids one share of Procter & Gamble stock which comes as a certificate with the Pringles logo on it, signed by Mr. Pringles himself. (They sell these through their Web site, which I thought was illegal -- you're not supposed to tell people to buy your own stock.) Now, they're changing the logo again -- cans with the "no glasses, no cheeks" logo are still in stores everywhere, but some cans with a frightening new logo have shown up at the Prudential Star... Now, Mr. Pringles's big handlebar mustache has changed into a truly gigantic mustache which covers two-thirds of his face. He's tilting his head back and to the left so that he can stare at us over one end of his handlebar mustache, just like Salvador Dali did whenever he wanted to show how threatening and dangerous he was. And Mr. Pringles's hair has contracted into a little center-parted hair swatch (think of Terry Jones, or better yet, Mr. Weatherbee) which is now curling up and preparing to spring forward to rip our faces off like an alien spider. Mr. Pringles's head has inflated to gigantic size and looms crookedly over us as we look up at it past his wall of mustache. I've never before seen a happy smiley face so weirdly re-interpreted that it looks like it's about to crush us all under its massive weight (and width.) I understand why Procter & Gamble tinkers with the logo every several years -- it's important to try to improve on things once in a while, especially if your original idea was as half-baked as "old-timey nerd face" -- but I think this latest design is going to scare people away from their artificial, chemical-laced, synthetically-browned potato-like chip-shaped snack extrusions in tennis ball cans. I've only seen the new look of Pringles at one market so far, and this one market had both the old and new cans. This market always has a large display of Pringles cans right at the express checkout lane, so presumably Procter & Gamble has been paying them a lot of money to promote Pringles -- it's possible that P&G is testing to see whether the new or old look will sell better if both are made available in this prominent place. I bought one of each just so I could take photos of the logos without influencing their marketing research in any way. Unless they read this article where I say the new logo's weird, deformed, and scary. -- K. What was this weird fascination some people had with the 1890s in the 1970s (and in the "Cheers" title sequence)? And does Professor Pringle hang out with that guy with the bowler derby and giant eyelashes painted on the wall in the Kenmore Green Line station? Do they go around performing the old ultra-violence with their droogs? What's the deal with the 1970s?