Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TV Midseason Clogged With Failures / TV Ratings [Apr 9] Date: Sun, 5 May 2002 06:06:30 GMT "Pugg" (pugg71everyzig@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Pugg" (pugg71everyzig@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > I just wanted to gloat about the fact that one of my current > > > jobs involves watching TV (bad or otherwise, my choice) in church. > > > > > > I win. > > > > If it were a Lutheran service, I know you'd be watching those exciting > > old "Davey & Goliath" cartoons [...] But I don't know what sort of > > wacky things you have to watch in Catholic TV church. > > Busted! > > Okay, technically, my job is not to watch TV in church. Heck, I'm not > even in a real church-building when I'm TV-watching, it's the theatre > of a local community college. What my job _really_ is, is to operate > the lighting and sound equipment used by the church during mass. Now, if it were a Church of Christian Science, you would explain that the light WAS mass, or at least equivalent thereunto according to an exchange rate fixed by Pope Einstein (minus a tithe levied by Cardinal Carnot.) But I don't think sound is mass so you'd have to have a silent laser show instead of the regular noisy service. Also you'd probably have to mention Mary Baker Eddy at some point, hopefully not at the triple point of the communion wine. > The lighting requirements of the service involve my pushing, turning > or flipping a total of seven switches (not counting lobby lights) at > about 8:00am -- and doing the same at about 12:00pm. The sound is > somewhat more complex, requiring me to plug in and turn on three > microphones -- and make sure they're not feeding back. Additionally, I > have to set the piano, altar and chairs on stage. Sounds like they would be tempted to replace you with one of those new piano-pushing robots, if your job wasn't where it is. Oh, the Church has nothing against robots (they just go to Hell, is all) but working robots are forbidden in community colleges, along with any computer that can display color or connect to the Internet in lowercase. > All of this keeps me busy until about 8:45am. > > The first Mass starts at 9:00am, and from then until noon, it's my > responsibility to make sure that everyone can be heard, What if Satan showed up? And he had a really low voice? Would you be required to make sure everyone could listen to Satan telling everyone to ask McDonalds to add more lard to their french fries? > and that there's no feedback. What if I composed a hymn that required a chorus of castratos, a giant pipe organ, and loud feedback noises with a techno beat? Would you be able to supply the feedback or would you go to Hell for ruining my hymn? Also, would you handle the castratos yourself? > However, since I'm careful during setup, there's almost never a problem. > Which means that for the next three hours, my job is to sit quietly > and wait for lunch. Kinda like being in church. > > Here's where the television enters the picture. Remember that, while > I'm working _for_ a church, I'm working _at_ a college, and the > theatre at this particular college has one of the best-designed > control booths I've ever encountered. In addition to having more than > enough space for several technicians to work, it also has a reasonably > comfortable sofa, a refrigerator, television, VCR and DVD player. HOLY JESUS ON A STICK! Now I'm jealous. I have to carry my own DVD player around where I go to work. Do they have the "Parental Controls" set on the DVD player, or are there special "Ecclesiastical Controls" like the ones that keep you from playing with the stops on the pipe organ? If I worked in a church with a DVD player, I'd NEED to watch Lenny Bruce, and I'd cry because there's no Lenny Bruce available on DVD yet. > SO, after getting everything set I'm pretty much free to watch the > teevee or movies until 10:00, when I have to go outside and smoke. > Then I can watch teevee until noon, when I put everything away, turn > off the lights, and go to the donut shop. > > It annoys the wife to no end that I get paid actual money to do this. I think it annoys everyone. Except Jesus, who was nice enough to set up this special rumpus room in His house of worship, just for you. Is the room wired for Internet access? > > So, anyway, Pugg, I need to know what sort of TV you're watching in > > church, and whether it has a laugh track. > > It depends upon what's on cable that day. Usually, I watch a few > episodes of "Whose Line," or "Trading Spaces." One of those has a > laugh track, I'm pretty sure. I used to watch the Battlebots, but > haven't been able to find them on Sundays anymore. Sometimes, just for > laughs, I'll watch the Pakistani Channel with the sound turned off and > make up my own stories. > > "Look! Napir is doing the 'Dance of Many Inconveniences' for her > suitor!" > > Other times, I just turn the thing off and read a book. I feel sort of disappointed that you're not making up "Davey & Goliath"-style stories for the Pakistani soap operas. "Then Napir decided to throw rocks into the pond for ten minutes, until his dog told him this was wrong." > > What's Latin for "laugh track"? > > Semita Risus or, possibly, Curriculum Risus. > > Bear in mind that those answers may not be entirely accurate as I > haven't studied Latin in about 12 years and I asked the Internet for > help. > > Interestingly, "Curriculum Risus," was also the name of that ST:TNG > episode involving a production of "The School for Scandal," on > Commander Riker's favorite vacation-planet. What, the Planet Of "No Wesleys"? (It was a mistake for them to paint the name of the planet on the planet in letters five hundred miles tall, given that they got the "S" backwards.) -- K. Somehow I expect Riker to make a big speech to the local heathens, "We're more advanced than you. We outlawed scandals two centuries ago!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Logos That Make You Go "Huh?" (paging Joe Manfre) Date: Sat, 4 May 2002 04:32:18 GMT Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com_ wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I learned the phrase "crispy critters" as medical slang for burn victims > > before I ever saw the cereal, and it grossed me out. I hope never to > > see "Dotted Q" cereal. > > HAH! I love the smell of coffee in the morning. Especially as it goes > from my oropharynx through my nasal passages. I didn't know you had an oropharynx. I thought they were extinct, except for the one serving as Fred Flintstone's weed-trimmer. When Walter Koenig played "The Alien Oro" on "The Starlost", did he have an alien oropharynx, or just a regular one? And how would he have pronounced it? > There is a new snack that looks like Cheetos on Too Much Coffee. They > are twisty crunchy yellow stick things and must be made of pure salt, > fat, and cheez because they taste real good and are very crunchy, like a > fine dry cereal. > > Was Burnt Orange the one made with Uranium Oxide? No, that was Quisp. I think Kaboom was the other radioactive cereal, but the radioactive material was embedded in the cardboard packaging because they didn't want to list it in the ingredients. > Maybe that is where they got the coloring for the twisty snakc things. I don't know what snack things those are. Even if I did know I wouldn't eat anything that was held together by the cohesion of spray-dried cheez grit. I'd rather eat the Quisp, unless it had a dotted Q. But still it would be funny to see that little propeller-headed Fifties alien critter on the box giving the dotted Q sign. Especially if he was played by Walter Koenig. -- K. "Keptin, there is a wery large fly on my uwula." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Logos That Make You Go "Huh?" (paging Joe Manfre) Date: Sat, 4 May 2002 04:40:16 GMT Ben Allard (ballard@wpi.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And the inclusion of the British flag is just to make it clear > > that all good Britons are into urolagnia. Did I spell > > "urolagnia" correctly? If not, just change it to the term the > > adults use, "pee play". > > If you call it "water sports" you can confuse more people. You're > surfing along on the internet when you see a site advertising water > sports and say "Oh, which sports? Skiing? Diving? Polo? Oh, > urination." But remember, the kinky community has recently redefined the word "wetlook" from meaning "people wearing shiny clothes that look wet, you know, like patent leather or vinyl" to meaning "people wearing wet clothes". So now "wetlook" means "wet", and I think you also have to say "sexylook" when you mean "sexy". -- K. "Where are you going?" "Outlook." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: What I like about kibology Date: Sat, 4 May 2002 04:55:41 GMT Brian 'Jarai' Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > Roy G. Ovrebo (bursar@c2i.net) wrote: > > > > And why are we in this handbasket? > > The handbasket of a.r.k carries all of us through the aisles of the great > Asian supermarket of life. Some days we are blessed with the company of > Pocky; other days we are pinned in a corner of the basket by a durian. Never shop at any market that won't let you use a real cart. Fun fact: A major chain of toy stores -- the kind with a random Cyrillic letter in their name -- knew from long experience that more than half of their sales happen in November and December, when parents go absolutely bugnuts buying toys for kids because Santa isn't reliable any more. So, because many of these Christmas shoppers had to buy lots of toys, the company switched to shopping carts that were x% larger, and they wound up increasing their business by x% because most parents apparently just keep shopping until the cart is full. So, if you're an only child and you did not get exactly one shopping cart worth of presents from each of your parents, either your parents are Communists or you were bad. I forget where I read that. I think it was in some book I bought by clicking the "Add To Cart" button at Amazon.com because I couldn't leave the Web site until I had filled up the imaginary cart. -- K. I was going to say that if I ever were to buy canned beans via the Web I'd yell "ADD TO FART!" but I decided not to mention that. I mean, when would I be buying canned beans via the Web? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I found the only rude Canadian! Date: Mon, 6 May 2002 06:43:27 GMT So I'm in Toronto, and it's late at night, and I need to buy a toothbrush. And none of the ATMs (automatic teller machines) will take my debit cards because all of Canada's ATMs have been replaced by ABMs (automatic banking machines) which are just like ATMs except they hate me, and the only one on the way to the drugstore that didn't hate me was locked up for the night to stop Toronto's local winos from sleeping in the vestibule ("How aboot them Leafs, got a quarter, eh?") so all I had was American money. The kind where all the denominations look alike and are all the color of dead spinach. But I know that most shops in Toronto will be happy to take money from Americans (at an exchange rate very fair to the shopkeeper), so I asked if I could pay with American money, and the guy said yes, and used a pocket calculator to properly inflate the price of Canadian currency (something like 70%.) Then, when he was counting out my change (which was seventeen-something, so I got a pink bill, a blue bill, and a coin whose front showed the Queen, with a bear behind) he held up the pink bill and said slowly: "You know this is what our money looks like... right?" I'm guessing this guy has seen stupid Americans throwing tantrums and screaming "EWW, PINK! MAKE YOUR MONEY GREEN SO IT WON'T CONTAMINATE MY NICE GREEN WALLET!" So I admitted that, yes, I comprehended that Canadian money is not the same color as American money, and I did not throw a tantrum about the arbitrary color of paper rectangles around the world, and I accepted the pinkness of the local currency. And because I am a nice person, I did not point out that "DUH!" is an "EH?" of a different color. -- K. Also, can I sue the Canadian government if I cut myself on one of the dollar coin's sharp corners? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I found the only rude Canadian! Date: Tue, 7 May 2002 09:01:26 GMT Otto Bahn (Mail@Is.Borken.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So I'm in Toronto, and it's late at night, and I need to buy a toothbrush. > > Skimped on the hotel, 'e did. Yeah, I could've paid the extra $50 a night to get a $2 toothbrush FOR FREE! I bet they would've even mailed me a Polaroid of the toothbrush the next week. And the hotel would be even closer to the damn hockey arena, and I'd be dead by now after getting beat up by Leafs fans who mistook my orange shirt for a Spartacat costume. I mean, we have the same shoe size. I've got more fingers, though. But that wouldn't help against a bunch of Leafs fans who are still upset over Sparty giving them boxes of generic bugs and rocks when they went trick-or-treating at his house last Halloween. Why does he keep boxes of bugs in his kitchen, anyway? And why does he buy the cheap No Name brand bugs instead of the super-classy President's Choice ones which are completely different even though they're both generic brands made for the same supermarket? And why does Loblaw's even sell boxes of bugs? And who the heck is the President of Canada? And why is there spruce beer in Quebec but not in normal Canada? I like the spruce beer. Also I like the Ottawa Senators logo better than the Toronto Maple Leafs logo because it has a nice mean-looking gladiator (at least in the version where he's face-on, not the one where he's sideways) while the Leafs logo is just a blue leaf with a misspelling. Plus Spartacat is a better mascot than Carlton The Bear because Spartacat's name isn't "Spartacat The Lion" and also Carlton is a big meanie who spilled Sparty's popcorn. So when the fans here are yelling "GO LEAFS GO!" I'm hoping they go, preferably towards the lake, 'cause it's easier to sleep when the hotel's not surrounded by kill-crazed fans and their bear. Shouldn't their mascot be something like, oh, I don't know, a LEAF? Or do the Boston Bruins have a dancing leaf? -- K. If they do, the Oshawa Generals will probably steal it, just like that logo of the black and gold "G" in front of a basketball. And why do the Boston Bruins, Providence Bruins, and Oshawa Generals have a freakin' BASKETBALL in their hockey logos? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Today's disturbing commercial. Date: Mon, 6 May 2002 20:17:12 GMT [reposted to correct an error of fact] Pickle commercial: A six-foot-tall potato chip (with arms and legs) is eating tiny pickles. "Bick's Snack'ems. The snack snacks prefer." WHAT THE HEY? I hope this trend of commercials showing anthropomorphic products eating each other doesn't continue. We might be subjected to images of Colonel Sanders eating Ronald McDonald, or vice versa, and probably while rapping. That would fit in with a McDonalds commercial I heard last night: "There's a little McDonalds in everyone." I suspect their first draft was, "There is no escape from McDonalds! We've already contaminated your body! Our lard colonizes your arteries from a distance!" Of course, at the moment I don't have to worry about the big /\/\ taking over my body, because I'm in Toronto, where they have /\*/\ instead. The giant arches with the tiny red squished bug on the middle leg. McDonalds and Starbucks and Subway will never be able to take over Canada, because the whole country is already owned by that Tim Horton guy and Kit Kat. Apparently in Canada, Kit Kat was able to gain great leverage by not wasting their money changing their wrapper since 1952. They laugh at the silly American version of Kit Kat that has more than one color of ink on the wrapper. American Kit Kat is the pretentious one with actual package design, and the Canadian one is just "Hey, it's got an oval on it! What, you want to pay extra for stripes or something?" -- K. Another TV commercial I just saw: "Every kid needs a cell phone. It's the one and only Crest Spin Brush." In other words, it's a toothbrush with buttons drawn on it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Unimportant but exciting news flash! Date: Mon, 6 May 2002 20:39:11 GMT From the Sci-Fi Channel's Web site: -> Candidate Proposes SF Tax -> -> A Republican candidate for an Alabama congressional seat has proposed a plan -> to tax science fiction to fund NASA, The Huntsville (Ala.) Times reported. -> Michael Williams, who is running for the 5th Congressional District seat, -> proposes a 1 percent "NASA tax" on SF books, comics and any other -> space-related literature to finance the National Aeronautics and Space -> Administration, the newspaper reported. The tax would also apply to -> "space, space-related and science fiction toys, puzzles and games," -> Williams said in a listing of his platform, the newspaper reported. I think they should just tax moronic ideas, at a rate based on how hare-brained the particular scheme is, and then Michael Williams would pay for my ride on the Space Shuttle. -> A Hampton Cove, Ala., resident, Williams, 28, holds a master's degree in -> political science from the University of Alabama in Huntsville and a -> bachelor's degree in business management from Athens State University. He -> works at Publix Super Market at Hampton Cove, the newspaper reported. Ah, so he's probably familiar with the works of the only science fiction writer there is... Michael Crichton. I would not be averse to a small tax on science fiction if the law also required places like supermarkets to sell good science fiction along with the Crichton books. -- K. Other noteworthy news of the stupid: In the hinterlands of Canada, a tuberculosis patient refused treatment (because his family died of it and he wants to visit them) so they've chained him to his hospital bed. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I want more Date: Mon, 6 May 2002 21:06:43 GMT Last week, in sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Girl lizards who are not nice have a lot of trouble finding boy friends. > They would be happy if a guy hit their lizard bottoms. Kurt, do you have trouble finding your bottom? > Girl lizards who are nice can get a lot of boy friends. Girl lizards > who are nice and do not have bodies of animals between their teeth > can get extra boy friends. When you say "boy friends", do you mean "male hu mans" or "male liz ards"? This is impor tant. -- K. P.S. Kurt, I'd like to see your lizard friends. Can you draw me a picture? I'll let you use crayons that have not been touched by girls or lizards. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I want more Date: Mon, 6 May 2002 21:09:38 GMT Last week, in sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Since girls all the time hit my bottom may be a picture of my bottom could > be the only thing that makes up the faqy. May be a picture of my bottom > and my car together. Kurt... I give up. You win. I can't out-weird you. I mean, you're WEEEEEIRD. -- K. So, would your car or your bottom be the biggest part of the FAQ? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I want more Date: Mon, 6 May 2002 21:24:12 GMT In sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > I am happy Luke erased information about me from his page. > > People use the word kook a lot on the internet. I guess it is fair to say > some people act like kooks on the internet. Yeah, and sometimes dancing bears start doing backflips and tossing confetti from their Obvious Bags, too. So, now at least at last you've actually told us what your theory is: "...some people act like kooks on the internet." I would have to agree with that, although that requires me to assume you're a person. > I guess all people are kooks. Some people are extreme kooks. Some people > are kooks with certain things. I have known a lot of people and they were > all messes. I ask a lot of people a lot of questions. I try to understand > how people think. I try to understand why people do certain things. I try > to understand why they do some thing when certain things come from what > they have done. > > People are dishonest. People are ideits. People are insane. People are > dumb. > People do not like themselves. People try to hurt themselves. People try > to hurt people. People like to create messes. > > I tend to be able to know some things about a person when I see some of > their articles. Some of my guesses are probably wrong. Like some people > probably think I run around talking about God and physics to people who I > meet. I tend not to talk about God and physics to people. May be if I did > people would have known that > I am a catholic. Most people probably do not know the biggest part of me > is irish. How can just your ass be Irish? > A person may act like an ideit about a physics theory on the internet but > be a normal person with many things. It is wrong to make fun of them. Fine, Kurt, just show me a government-issued "I AM A KOOK" I.D. card and I promise not to make fun of you for a whole day. However, I reserve my right to make fun of your I.D. card or any articles you post that day. > Nice people do not make fun of people who have bad physics theories. Nice > people tell a person with a bad theory where they are wrong. If the person > does not believe the truth stop talking to the person. Insults about > theories do not help these physics groups. Insults make these physics > groups dirty. People have destroyed these physics groups. The nuts did > not chase away the people. People left because of mean people. People run > away from things when people get dirty. > Bad people try to make some thing dirty to destroy it. > > If Luke wants to be more honest he needs to get away from the kibo people. > Some of them are not nice people. If he can not find a good group it might > be better for him to stop talking to people on the internet. > > Luke said some thing about a divorce. I talk to people all the time about > dating and being married. I know more about this than physics. YAY THE DANCING BEARS ARE BACK! > When 2 people go on different paths it is hard for them if they are not bad > people. A person would be a fool to think a good person does not care a > lot about what happened if both people are good. If both people are good > the most guilty person probably feels the worse. Fighting is not needed > because both people feel lousy. If the guy is nice to the girl the girl > may feel worse. People do dumb things. They look back and think I do not > know why I did that. Fighting will make it more dirty and when things get > dirty people do not care a lot about leaving. The first rule of Kurt Club: Don't tell the Internet what your theories are. The second rule of Kurt Club: Don't tell the Internet what your theories are. Someday you'll tell us what your physics theories are, assuming you really do have any, and then I'll have to stop making fun of you. However, your I.D. card will still be fair game. -- K. Do you have a mullet? Half a mullet? Is it the left or right half? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I want more Date: Tue, 7 May 2002 06:14:57 GMT In sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Girls think I am some dumb guy. Only to use. Just to hit my bottom. They're just trying to smack some sense into your brain. > They do not care a lot about the inside part of me. Well, that's not the part they're hitting. > They do not know if they got to know the inside part of me they would learn > a lot. They do not know I know a lot about physics because God helped me. > They do not know about the faqy being cursed because my theories are being > used by people who are not nice. So if the girls opened you up they'd find a little bank vault containing a little slip of paper with the explanation of why you think "FAQ" has a "y" and a list of your theories nobody has ever seen? > [...] I do not kill people who are not catholics. I do not blow up > churches that are not associated with catholics. I'm not buying it. I don't believe you have ever blown up ONE Catholic church, you big liar. > [...] I am a catholic. I do not kill people who are not catholics. > I do not blow up churches that are not associated with catholics. Do you just bore them to death through repetition? > [...] > > They could learn if they talked to me instead of hitting my bottom that all > parallel universes do not care a lot about a person thinks if they are > wrong and most of the time all parallel universes will work against a > person who is wrong about some thing. Maybe you should blow up the parallel universes to save your bottom. And! In another article in this big pile of "Kurt talks about his bottom" articles, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > I go to bars to drink coke but I am not against drinking. There are 2 > beautiful girls who work at 2 different bars. 1 is extremely nice and 1 is > probably not a good person. Both are extremely nice to me. Like they have > tried to give me free cokes and the girl who is probably not a good person > calls me sweetie. Some girls and boys may think what does this have to do > with physics. I've given up on trying to get you to say a whole sentence in physics. Just tell me how your bottom factors into this story. > These physics groups do not have any thing to do with physics. So are they talking about physics over in alt.kurt's.butt? > [...] > > It is probably true most people tend to date people who are about the same > amount of being good. A nice girl and a nice guy will date. A slime girl > and a slime boy will date. A girl lizard who is not nice and a boy lizard > who is not nice will date. Can slimes date lizards? Can lizards date slimes? Can pickles date dates? And! In yet another article! Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > On Sat. night I went to a bar with a physics person to talk about physics. > The bar did not have a lot of room because there were a lot of people. > > I walked past a girl and I think she moved back. My hand hit her bottom. > I did not try to hit her bottom. OH NO! SHE GROPED YOUR HAND WITH HER BOTTOM! Was this woman one of those perverts from the Bizarro planet? Did she have an I.D. card that said "Enal Siol"? > The girl was with a friend who was a girl. For about 4 minutes the girl > and her friend looked at me smiling and laughing a little. I guess the > girl thought I tried to hit her bottom. I did not know if she was mad. > If she was mad she probably was not extremely mad because of about > 4 minutes of smiling and laughing. About 3 months ago I was at a bar. > A nice girl who I did not ever see before walked past me and punched > my stomach hard. With her bottom? > She was laughing. I talked to her for a long time and I told her the > method was good to meet guys GEE, THANKS, KURT. > but hit guys less hard. Yeah, she needs more practice hitting you. Please go back to the bar and help her punch you until she gets it right. > My friend told me to go over and tell the girl that I did not try to hit > her bottom and I could use it to get to know them. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Back up your giant dump truck of word salad right now and tell me about your friend. Was this one of the good lizards, or was your friend just drawn on your T-shirt? And did you meet your friend by using the bottom method or the punching method? > [...] > > Sat. night I ran into a girl I knew. Dating would not work but I asked her > to be my girl friend for 4 minutes. She said yes she would. A wise person > knows what and how much they can get from some thing. I think each time I > see her we will date for 4 minutes. Any more than that would cause > trouble. Isaac Asimov could pinch a woman's butt in far less time. In fact, he once determined that every additional finger would shave four seconds off that time, so if he had had 378 fingers he could grope women in negative time, even before thinking about it. And since he thought about it continuously, this method allowed him to grab women not only before they were even born, but before he was even born. > The girl who may be thought I hit her bottom was wise. She did not get mad > and start screaming. Oh, so she was already mad and screaming before you started? > She would have been a fool and God would have punished her. Yeah, all that stuff in the Bible about letting Kurt Stocklmeir grope you. It starts just behind the Book Of Tainticus, through the Book Of Butticus, and concludes in the Book Of Himynameiskurtlemmefondleyoursweetsweetbooty. > [...] > Girls and boys will get covered with slime if they slime with slime. > That is a law of God. All parallel universes will see to it that they get > covered with slime. You're a lot like a Smurf, except with "slime" instead of "smurf". How do you reach the women's butts from down there under that mushroom? -- K. Willie Tyler must be making a comeback, 'cause I'm seein' mo' Lester. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I want more Date: Tue, 7 May 2002 06:17:01 GMT In sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > This is a doom record. Cursed forever. Kurt, you've got your mood ring on backwards again. And in the wrong decade. > There is a small distance between the north part of 2 electromagnets. The > electromagnets are turned on at the same time. Most girls and boys will > say the circles of magnetic fields will expand at least at the speed of > light. The 2 north magnetic fields will not meet. There will be repulsion > between the 2 north magnetic fields because they are emitting particles. > The particles are moving more fast than light. Wait... you're not Kurt! You're using physics words! And you're not even spelling it "electro magnets" or "el ectromag nets"! TO WHOEVER IS USING KURT'S ACCOUNT AND CAN SPELL, STOP IT! > Electric fields and magnetic fields can get out of a black hole. Near > fields of these fields can get out of a black hole. Changes of near fields > of these fields can get out of a black hole. Is a near field like near beer? Or is it more like having sex in a canoe in a black hole? > A magnetic field is around the center of a black hole. Some thing will not > let it fly away. All the magnetic field stays around the center. The > particles that I am talking about and vector potential field can get out of > the black hole. When they change outside the black hole electric fields > and magnetic fields can be created outside the black hole. The same is > true for electric fields and gravity. No way are you Kurt, man. "Vector potential field"? I don't think so! Kurt would have said something like "The slimey slimes sliming around the slimey black hole are ideits. May be this is why God made me spe cial. God touched my bot tom with his bot tom." > A particle with a charge is moving with a speed that is not changing. The > electric field is moving more fast than light. If it was moving at the > speed of light there would be a big doppler effect as compared to a small > doppler effect for a lot more fast than light. The electric field would be > a lot more strong toward the direction the particle is moving. The > electric field would be not strong toward the back of the particle. A > person seeing the particle fly away would see less charge and electric > field. If electric fields moved at the speed of light electromagnetic mass > of a particle would not be good. There would be more mass toward the front > and less behind. If gravity moved at the speed of light, light flying away > from a black hole would not see any gravity. Gravity would not be hitting > light. If a person was moving at almost the speed of light away from a > black hole they would see almost not any gravity because of the doppler > effect. If a person was moving fast toward a planet they would see more > gravity than a person not moving. If gravity waves moved at the speed of > light gravity waves behind a star would have less energy. Gravity waves > moving with the same direction as the star would have more energy. If > gravity waves fix the shape of space time the shape would not be good. See, the other problem with this is that it's sort of a theory and is almost coherent, just clear enough so that we can tell where it's obviously wrong even if we can't quite follow it. If this were really a Kurt post it would have said something like "My theories are cursed. I like girls. Girls hate me. Do not put my theories in the faqy with out my car," with the theory cleverly replaced by filler to keep us from putting it in the faqy. -- K. Can we at least put the bottom of your theory, and the theory of your bottom, in the faqy? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I want more Date: Tue, 7 May 2002 07:05:44 GMT In sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > [...] > > I do not want to be like God. That does not mean I want to hurt people. Trust me, Kurt, we weren't confusing the two of you. For one thing, God's easier to understand than you. > [...] > > I do not know how long a person is suppose to go to jail for rape. I do > not know what God thinks about this. He told me to tell you that the jail term for rape is supposed to be longer than the jail term for groping women's butts, which is supposed to be several thousand times longer than sitting through an Andy Warhol film. Also, God wants to know which is your favorite Andy Warhol film so he can reserve it at Blockbuster for the next few years. Just in case. -- K. "She yelled 'Grope! Grope!' and I said 'Don't you mean "Rope!"?' and she said, 'No, there was a bunch of them.'" -- a Benny Hill joke specially adapted for Kurt ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: another odd run-in with those rare Bad Canadians. Date: Tue, 7 May 2002 07:30:21 GMT I love Toronto. It's like New York City would be if they had no trash on the ground. I don't know how they do it, given that there are so few public trash bins. Apparently Canada has a secret orbital death ray laser that vaporizes all lottery tickets the moment they lose. And the people are all slightly on the "too nice" side of normal. They're completely unlike normal Americans. They're more like Minnesotans. But I have now had another encounter with those rare Bizarro Canadians who are rude to everyone, even sensitive Americans like me! I was stolling down Yonge Street (souvenir shops, sex toy shops, souvenir shops, comic-book shops, and sex toy shops) with a fellow Kibologist (who is female.) Three college-age dudes were walking the other way. One veered off from the pack and headed to intercept me. He put his hand a half-inch from my chest. "I don't wanna start something, I just wanna buy some weed!" he said a little too loudly. "Sorry," I said, as we walked past them. "WELL FUCK YOU TOO, ASSHOLE!" he yelled as he receded behind us, presumably doomed to spend the entire night trying to buy drugs from everyone in the city (including the plainclothes cops that patrol Yonge Street.) I didn't even have time to apologize to the guy for being the sort of asshole who doesn't carry pot from country to country in case the most clueless guy in North America needs to buy some from me. I don't know if he wanted to buy pot from me, or just wanted some free money so he could buy some pot from someone else, or if they were up to some other scam, but in any case, "I don't wanna start something, I just wanna buy some weed!" is perhaps the single sentence least likely to gain my trust. Even above "This is not a scam." -- K. Should I have worn my shirt which says "I DON'T WANNA START SOMETHING, BUT I AM NOT A DOPE DEALER, YOU MORON"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: If your frog's urine is pink, you should see a vet and a psychiatrist. Date: Tue, 7 May 2002 21:56:50 GMT Today at a 7-Eleven in Toronto I spotted a poster for a new flavor of Slurpee: Atomic Frog Water. The poster showed this really scary psychotic magenta frog that looked like it wanted to hurt me. I don't know if this flavor's also available in the U.S., but I hope not. I mean, it's named after radioactive frog urine. You know the pink Canada Mints (made by Necco in the U.S.)? The ones that taste like wintergreen? Atomic Frog Water is a thousand times pinker (it's fluorescent magenta, the color of Elmo) and yes, it tastes like wintergreen. With a hint of citrus or bubble gum or something else, I couldn't quite tell because it tasted like the world's soggiest breath mint. It wasn't a terribly strong wintergreen flavor, but it was strongly terrible. Speaking of weak flavors in Canada, back in the U.S. Halls cough drops come in regular and Extra Strength. Here they come in Original, Strong, and Mild. Yes, they're cough drops that advertise how weak they are. Can't they drop the pretense and admit they're just hard candy? By the way, last night I had a blood-red bubble tea. It was like Rubylith in liquid form. A bee-yootiful deep dark symphony of marroonness. And it tasted like yummy candy. In other words, it did not taste like Atomic Frog Water. -- K. The Atomic Frog Water 7-Eleven was near that Chinatown mall that has the plastic turtle constantly spitting on two happy live turtles.