Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Miss Kibo Date: Mon, 27 May 2002 22:25:17 GMT David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Jacob W. Haller (spog@jwgh.org) wrote: > > > > I take this opportunity, not to make a pirate joke, but to share the > > following definition that was sent unsolicited to me at work. > > > > | Arre (sounds like are); verb; arring, arred. Noun; an arr. - to > > | divide a circular, spherical, or cylindric object at two points > > | equidistant from the center of the object and rejoin the two larger > > | remaining pieces to create an object of smaller proportion. > > THIS IS A RECIPE FOR MAKING _CONES_, YOUNG MAN! The three big questions I have are: 1. How do you divide a sphere "at a point"? Wouldn't it have to be a really big, flat point? The only thing that could be divided by a point would be a pair of very small postage stamps. (Most normal stamps are large enough to require a whole fork's worth of points.) 2. I see mostly M&Ms, not cones. I suppose you could slice a "cylindric object" diagonally and rejoin the two outer pieces (which they mistakenly assume are larger) to make a sort of squished cone with a big butt, but it would be less a cone than a thing that should stumble into the Tetra Pak research labs bellowing "WHYYY DID YOU MAKE ME THISSS WAYYY?" -- K. Geez, David, I would think you would have learned all about making squished sliced objects after Subway sent you to "New Cut University". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Miss Kibo Date: Mon, 27 May 2002 22:34:30 GMT "Dan" (CardinalXiminez@comcast.net) wrote: > > Jacob W. Haller (spog@jwgh.org) quoted a definition: > > > > | Arre [...] Noun [...] divide [...] spherical [...] object [...] points > > | equidistant [...] center [...] rejoin [...] pieces [...] create > > | [...] object [...] smaller proportion. > > Ow... geometry... hurts. If anybody who reads this has ever used a > geometrical concept, ever, in his or her entire life, that does not count as > trigonometry, please tell me. I have not had to write a proof since high > school, and, god willing, will not have to write another proof between now > and the time I draw my last breath. So, out of curiosity, has anyone ever > needed to make an arr, or write a proof, or anything to that effect? I construct parallel diagonal lines all the time by drawing dashed circles using an imaginary compass on my computer. Also, occasionally I pretend I'm sort of using calculus to compute the area underneath the arc of a circle that has to slightly cross an imaginary line in order to look like the circle is tangent to that imaginary line, except I don't actually do any work, I just look at it and poke it until it looks right. For further details, see "N" and "O". -- K. "N" is an annoying polygon because the internal angles have to move diagonally when weights are interpolated, so it gets all skinny. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Special K's Truckin' Travelogue: Winchester, Virginia 5-25-02 Date: Mon, 27 May 2002 23:01:27 GMT Kenton Cernea (requiem@socket.net) wrote: > > I'm pissed off. Big time. > > I got a message on the Qualcomm Thursday saying that my load (due > Tuesday) could be unloaded on Saturday evening if I hurried over from > Texas to Virginia. Here, let me fix your message for you: Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought this would happen to me, but... I got a message on the Qualcomm Thursday saying that my load (due Tuesday) could be unloaded on Saturday evening if I hurried over from Texas to Virginia. > Lying bastards. > > I got to my destination, and they said everybody was gone for the > Memorial Day weekend, and I couldn't drop the load, it had to be > live-unloaded. So did you drop it on some fish off the coast of Italy, or did you trade it for some chocolate-covered cotton? > ON FUKKEN TUESDAY. They opened a Fukken Tuesday at my local shopping mall. They're a lot like T.G.I. Friday's. In fact, the serve the same food, only four days later. > So, I'm sitting in a Flying J on I-81, exit 323. Any Kibologists who > want to visit me can catch me in my truck, MCT #3783, a light blue > Freightliner. Cell number available on request, if I like you. > > Flying J's store-brand of cheap tennis shoes is FAPS. I now have a horrifying picture in my brain of an elderly, dying Martin Landau disco-dancing with two really unfunny French-American Princesses with giant hair. And never mind what sort of cheap disposable shoes are in your trailer. What font is painted on the side, how many feet tall? -- K. Is this the Flying J with the Seventies earth-tone rainbow and the semi-matching logo with the plane which defies all the known laws of perspective to distract us from noticing the plane's tail is curling up like one of those cellophane fish that can tell the future by absorbing sweat? Or is it a different Flying J which is bad in a different way? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I want more Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 00:34:23 GMT Last week (while I was too busy to keep an eye out for him), Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > If Joe is going to look for a bottom on the back of my car he probably will > not ever find my car. I do not have a bottom on the back of my car. I do > not know what kind of bottom would end up on a car. Kurt, did your car's bottom fall off when you hit it with your bottom? > It is probably true Joe does not understand a lot about curses. God is not > going to look the other way when innocent people get abused. Who's Joe? Why bottoms? What sequitur? -- K. I wonder how Kurt feels about those pancakes with blueberry topping in the middle, and a bottom on the side. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Trucking Odyssey 5-18-02: Durham, NC Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 00:45:40 GMT Kenton Cernea (requiem@socket.net) wrote: > > This morning, I drove from northern Kentucky to Roxboro, NC to deliver > 40,000 pounds of aluminum to Owens-Corning. It was cool to see what > aluminum looks like before they turn it into Reynolds Wrap. You mean before they throw out the 40,000 pounds of aluminum and just keep the brown paper it was wrapped in and spray-paint it silver? If you don't believe me, unroll some foil and keep going until you get to the brown stuff at the center. Also note that the box the foil comes in is all metallic and foily on the outside but the inside of the box is still brown. Tamara buys foil with a funny name which I can't remember. Tam? Need help with funny foil. Thank you. > I'm at a Petro travel center in Durham, NC which is home of some > college with a basketball team or something. They should play Kibo University. We have a world-class something team. In many games, they manage to get the something into or past or on the something to score a somewhat perfect something. Then all the cheerleaders spell out a word, and everyone wonders what it is. -- K. GIMME A SCHWA! GIMME A TRAPEZOID! GIMME A NUDIBRANCH! PUT 'EM ALL TOGETHER, AND SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Trucking Odyssey 5-18-02: Durham, NC Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 02:04:51 GMT Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tamara buys foil with a funny name which I can't remember. Tam? Need > > help with funny foil. Thank you. > > I've got basic Shandex Aluminum Foil in my pantry. Ah, yes. The foil that sounds like a TV star from the Other Universe where his face is all tight and stretchy instead of being wrinkly and saggy and with folds of pudding skin draped over it. Plus then the unfunny movie "What Planet Are You From?" would be about how Garry Shandex can stretch out any part of his body to incredible lengths (but only during sex) instead of in this universe, where it was about how his crotch has a Weed-Whacker living in it. In the Other Universe, you see, it would still be an unfunny one-joke idea, but at least then Greg Kinnear could yell "Hey Garry! I see you're trying to STRETCH that joke!" > ~T (did your boots arrive?) Nope. Waah! My boots, my hockey jersey, my VHS cassettes and DVDs are in a box which seem to have gotten stuck trying to squeeze through some little hole in that fortified border between Canada and the United States. Somewhere, some evil American customs official is wearing my Senators jersey and watching my "Kids In The Hall" DVD and otherwise pretending to be Canadian. On the way back into the United States, one of the customs cops asked me that standard question about what I visited in Toronto. I said "The CN Tower, the Bata Shoe Museum, and the Ontario Science Centre" because if I just said, "What, Toronto has stuff to visit besides the Bata Shoe Museum?" they probably would have beaten me, or confiscated my hands at the wrists, or something. -- K. The other possibility is that maybe my box got stolen from Canada Post before it left Toronto. I have no clues, but you've got to admit, Harry Stinson is suspicious-looking. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Office Workers Unite! Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 01:32:30 GMT Andrew J. Zimolzak (zimolzak@msu.edu) wrote: > > Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > Tonight, for the *second time in a row,* I grabbed, from a large stack > > of letterhead paper, the EXACT AMOUNT TO THE PAGE of sheets I needed to > > feed into the printer! > > Today, I cut the exact number of cheese slices to pair with the > sleeve of crackers that I wanted to finish. Big deal! I've done that every single time I eat crackers -- EXACTLY ZERO SLICES OF CHEESE! > My story isn't very inspiring because there were only six crackers, Yeah, it pales in comparison to all those cracker-counting stories in the Bible, especially the Book Of Keebler. > but I swear I didn't count them consciously. Why do I have the uneasy feeling that alt.religion.kibology is full of people who keep looking for "Rain Man" on the "Comedy" shelf at their local non-Blockbuster-affiliated video store? > Can you pull a sheet out of the middle of a stack of papers without > disturbing the rest of the stack, regardless of whether the stack is > paper-clipped? If so, remind me to complain to Kibo that he gave you > the super powers that I asked for. Louis, if you give me the powers back, than I can forward them to Andrew, and I'll let both of you have the address of the only Web page that combines "gummikrankenschwester" and "cheese" into a whole new dimension of iniquity. To prove I have it, here is it with two letters hidden: http://w?w.domrubensweib.de/Fetische/buegeln/kaese/kaese.ht?l I'll let you have the missing letters once the super powers have been returned to the person who lawfully called dibs on them. -- K. I swear that if the Web hadn't been invented, at some point in my life I would have incorrectly concluded I had already discovered the existence of every kind of fetish. But thanks to the Web, I now know that I will never be unable to find a new category of weird. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And now for Tricon Global's bad news. Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 01:51:49 GMT Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > [...] Tricon Global Restaurants is expanding its brand lineup from the > current three -- Pizza Hut, Taco Bell and KFC -- to five by acquiring > the Long John Silver's and A&W All-American Food brands. HOORAY! NOW THE TWO WORST MOVIE PRODUCT PLACEMENTS OF ALL TIME ARE POINTING AT THE SAME COMPANY! I spend an average of nine hours a day trying to figure out why Taco Bell was so proud that they paid so much money to be compared unfavorably to a broiled rat in "Demolition Man". And I spend the rest of the day trying to figure out how low A&W's advertising budget was that they wound up as an iron-on on rapist Matt Frewer in "Supergirl". Maybe this means that in Disney's upcoming "Treasure Planet" there will be a scene where Space Long John Silver is killed after his stomach explodes when he eats a fried artificial fish stick, or something. By the way, I heard that in the European version of "Demolition Man", Tricon paid for an anti-advertisement for Pizza Hut instead of the anti-ad for Taco Bell that was in the American version, so I'm hoping that someday there will be a DVD where I can watch both versions to determine whether one of the two subsidiaries got screwed more than the other, or whether Sylvester Stallone was careful to enjoy the broiled rat just as much compared to either of them. > Well, I guess they decided that "Tricon" is no good as a name when > they've got five brands rather than three, so they're chosen a new name. > As you know, Tricon has long been emphasizing the "Yum!" corporate slogan, > reflected in its New York Stock Exchange ticker symbol, YUM. Well, > Tricon intends to change its name to -- wait for it -- "Yum! Brands, Inc." I think they should retire the "Yum!" slogan and adopt the one Matt Frewer says in "Supergirl" -- (trying to rip Helen Slater's super-cheerleader outfit off and also trying not to laugh by delivering all his lines through firmly clenched teeth) "We. Can't. Help. It.... It's. Just. The. Way. We. Arrrrrre!" > Surely you can see what a devastating effect this will have on the > Kibological sensibility, which so appreciated the fact that the > restaurant subsidiary spun off by Pepsico had chosen such a sterile > corporate name, Tricon Global Restaurants! I mean, I like the idea of > having an exclamation point in the corporate name, but I ask you, > fellow Kibologists, is there anything we can do to get Tricon to > reconsider the Yum! strategy, perhaps by changing its name to > something like "Penticon!!1 Global Restaurants"? Or even better, can > we think up an even more creepy-sounding corporate name, on the order > of the names that faceless evil corporations in cheesy Hollywood > movies have? Help me out here! Suggestions, anything, please! Is this is the part of the conversation where I get paid to draw a logo for a nonexistent company? I'm getting real good at that. -- K. My portfolio seems to be from another universe. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Cannibal Muppet Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 04:44:05 GMT Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Why is Miss Piggy ordering SAUSAGE from Dennys? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out that Kit Kat Chunky commercial I saw in Canada where a scientist fed a Kit Kat candy bar to some piranhas and they all sank to the bottom of the tank because they got really fat and I suppose they're all dead now. The last shot is of an obese piranha sitting on the bottom gasping, or belching, I wasn't sure which. It's one of those commercials that hammers home the message that their product is lethal. -- K. I'm just glad we don't have Kit Kat in the U.S. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Cannibal Muppet Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 07:25:28 GMT Ben Allard (ballard@wpi.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm still trying to figure out that Kit Kat Chunky > > commercial I saw in Canada where a scientist fed a Kit Kat candy bar > > to some piranhas and they all sank to the bottom of the tank because > > they got really fat and I suppose they're all dead now. The last shot > > is of an obese piranha sitting on the bottom gasping, or belching, I > > wasn't sure which. > > > > It's one of those commercials that hammers home the message that their > > product is lethal. > > Well, Kibo, it shames me to have to spell things out for you so plainly, > as you are clearly very smart. However, the very smart are also > sometimes idiots, like Dustin Hoffman or those guys who didn't think we'd > use those atom bombs they were making to blow people up. When fish die, > they don't sink; they float to the top of their bowls. Therefore, if the > Kit-Kat made the fish too heavy to float then it wasn't killing them: it > was preventing them from EVER DYING! Nuh-uh! I encounter vicious red piranhas in my daily life -- well, actually, I encounter the same one three times a week -- and I can tell you that when common goldfish die, only the front half of them floats to the top. I don't know what happens when piranhas die, as none of the goldfish has ever managed to get big enough. The other thing I have learned from observing these fish is that tails serve no purpose whatsoever. Goldfish can lead happy, full lives without a tail. So, half a fish floats to the top, but three-quarters of a fish swims around without any noticeable change in its facial expression. > Kit-Kat: It grants you eternal life, worm! It also contains > methylphosphonothioic acid, which is why the fish were screaming in pain. Oh, that's just nerve gas. All it does is kill you really fast. Maynard's Wine Gums, on the other hand, used to be filled with sufazine (a suspension of sulfur dust in peach oil), but they changed the formula around the same time the KGB changed their name. -- K. Sulfazine is good for preventing malaria, but if it accidentally gets injected into your muscles, you'd rather have the malaria. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Cannibal Muppet Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 04:55:13 GMT Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > > Why is Miss Piggy ordering SAUSAGE from Dennys? > > It would be SICK if she were doing that! Yes, because that would mean she was ordering PORK! And pork is made from PIGS! And Miss Piggy IS A PIG! And if that were implied, Lots42 might be BOTHERED! Okay, that's as far as I can go right now -- it's someone else's turn to help Mark explain it further. -- K. Incidentally, she only ordered the sausage because Denny's doesn't sell frog legs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: a non-jiggly jaunt Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 06:09:44 GMT Last month, I reported on a fake news item that ran on the local TV news: > "Well, holy jiggly jaunts, Batman, New England has found a new way > to toss its oats." > > -- Channel 56 anchor on the opening of the new > Batman-themed rollercoaster at Six Flags > > No, I'm not going to write a short story titled "Batman's Jiggly Jaunt". > It's too disturbing an idea to contemplate. Well, one of these Batman-branded rollercoasters at a Six Flags amusement park just killed someone: -> Roller coaster accident kills worker -> -> AUSTELL, Georgia (AP) -- An amusement park worker was killed when he -> wandered into the path of an upside-down roller coaster and was struck in -> the head by a passenger's dangling legs. -> -> Officials at Six Flags Over Georgia were unsure how or why the 58-year-old -> foreman walked into the locked, no-access area on "Batman, The Ride" on -> Sunday. -> -> Police identified the man as Samuel Milton Guyton of Atlanta. He had -> worked at the park since February. -> -> Six Flags General Manager John Odum said he would not have had any reason -> to be in the area. -> -> "All no-access areas are clearly marked and all employees are cautioned -> not to enter these areas at any time," said park spokeswoman Lisa -> Bigazzi-Tilt. I have no comment on this case of accidental death through stupidity except to say that (a) I didn't watch channel 56 today so I don't know if the anchor called this violent death a "jiggly jaunt", and (b) in light of this tragedy I will forego making fun of the name "Bigazzi-Tilt". However, I will make fun of the name "Batman: The Ride". They call it that to prevent bozos from yelling, "Hey! You didn't tell me this rollercoaster is just a RIDE! IT DOESN'T FIGHT CRIME AT ALL! I DEMAND EVERYONE'S MONEY BACK!" Want to bet Six Flags tries to claim this is the passenger's fault? -- K. Somewhere in Toronto, that Air Canada woman is still wondering how I could possibly have gotten past that velvet barricade rope between the good ticket counter and the bad ticket counter. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: a non-jiggly jaunt Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 07:08:02 GMT David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> AUSTELL, Georgia (AP) -- An amusement park worker was killed when > > -> he wandered into the path of an upside-down roller coaster and was > > -> struck in the head by a passenger's dangling legs. > > I ... am having trouble picturing this. Unless - is this one of those > roller-coasters where instead of sitting in a seat, you're hung from the > top like so many suits of clothing? They don't loop a coat hanger around your neck, if that's what you mean. I think it's more like they dangle you via a really tight crotch harness in which lots of kids full of Mountain Dew have already lost bladder control. I think the original design was for it to be a "Three Stooges" coaster where a big plastic Moe would pick you up via ice tongs inserted into your ears. But they nixed that because the Stooges have a reputation for being associated with stupidity for some reason, and they didn't want to remind park visitors of that study that says every time you ride a roller coaster your IQ goes down three points, even if you don't die. > Dave "and does it result in greater, or fewer, items falling from pocketses?" > DeLaney I don't know, but CNN Headline News just reported another fatality at a Six Flags park today (I guess it's the start of amusement park fatality season.) Someone fell to their death from a ride named "The Rainbow", although it's hard to imagine how a ride that sounds so gay could be lethal. "Okay, kids, what do you want to go on, the Six Flags Six-Stripe Rainbow, The Inverting Triangle, The Whirling Cigar Bar, Elton John's Mile-High Shoes, or do you just want to get wet in Jar Jar's Jar?" -- K. And out front there's a sign saying "You must have at least this many dads to go on this ride." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: a non-jiggly jaunt Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 22:41:05 GMT "WHOSE TITAN ELBOW" (crgre+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Someone fell to their death from a ride named "The > > Rainbow", although it's hard to imagine how a ride that > > sounds so gay could be lethal. > > Ask Doug Henning about rainbow safety. It's the unicorns you have to be careful around. When they jump over the rainbow all the way off his leotard and out of your TV screen, they could poke you. Them's pointy imaginary animals. Know one of the things that bothers me? When I see a painting or drawing or cartoon or computer-generated special effect of a rainbow where the colors are backwards (red goes on the outside of the ring!) or out of sequence (red does not go next to blue!) or repeated because they were too cheap to pay for more than half a box of crayons. "How To Draw A Rainbow" is one of those things they should teach people in school, along with "How To Speak Into A Microphone Intelligibly", "How To Pronounce 'Nuclear'", "How To Set Your VCR's Clock", and "How To Read The Boston Subway Map Which Is Just A Big Lopsided 'X' And Not Even Remotely Complicated." This weekend, on a train to Oak Grove, someone waited until the train was pulling out of Malden to ask me where they should change trains to get to the Blue Line. \ <-- Oak Grove / \ / \ <-- Malden / \ / \ / \ / Orange Line -> \ / <-- Blue Line \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \/ /\ / \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ (Red and Green lines not shown because I ran out of types of slashes, but I assure you, they all intersect right in the middle and don't have any loop-the-loops or anything. The real map is actually a seven-armed asterisk, with little forks at one end of the Green Line and one end of the Red Line. The Blue Line only has the one end. Neither Blue nor Orange has a fork, a loop, a spiral, a Mobius strip, or anything else that would impede your at-a-glance comprehension of the topology of how Blue and Orange are lines that cross in the middle of the map.) In other words, the person went as far as possible from where he wanted to go before asking for help. I walked over to the extra-simplified map on the wall (which just shows WHERE THE ORANGE LINE CONNECTS TO THE BLUE LINE) and moved my finger around on it to help him understand the concept of TRAINS GO BOTH WAYS. This is what the Orange Line wall maps look like: | | --------------------------------+--+----------------------------- O M | | a a k l B R d l e (other text labels not G e u d shown because typing r n e sideways is hard) n L v C L i e t i n r n e e The subway is a horizontal line on these maps, for ease of use by people who get confused if they have to make their eyes move along a curve. There's only one decision involved: To get to Blue, do you go towards Blue or away from Blue? To get to the Blue Line, you follow the straight line TOWARDS THE BLUE THING. Sheesh. Thankfully he didn't ask me to explain the hard stuff that baffles tourists, such as "But it can't be 'INBOUND' now, the hotel was 'OUTBOUND' this morning!" (They get really confused when they get to the center of the "X" and there are no signs saying "INBOUND".) Boston has the most bozo-proof subway in existence, other than the secret one that goes between the U.S. Capitol and the building across the street from it. -- K. And if you can figure out how to use Boston's subway, you can use Philadelphia's, which uses the same maps but with the names changed. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Good Humor is Pure Evil Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 06:45:50 GMT To be added to my list of places the United States should be pointing its nuclear missiles at, now that Russia is no longer a threat: That f'ing ice cream truck that hangs around outside my window for multiple hours every day. This is a neighorhood with a lot of ice cream truck action (i.e. it's a poor neighborhood with lots of people sitting on the steps of the brownstones all afternoon) but there's one truck in particular which seems to have targeted the interesection right in front of this building, and it's particularly annoying. It's not one of the ones with the annoying amplified mechanical music box going PLINKETY - PLINK - PLINK in a loop. It's not one of the ones with the recording of real music blaring in a loop. This one combines the two into something far more horrible: A highly- amplified recording of a music box going PLINKETY - PLINK - PLINK with wacky clown noise accompaniment. The tune, oddly, is "Loch Lomond" at double speed ("Oh, ye take the high road, and I'll take the low road, and I'll be in Scotland afore ye...") but for some reason they've added a snare drum backup to the music box (so you get PLINKETY - PLINK - PLINK plus RENTED A TENT A TENT RENTED A TENT) punctuated by Bozo blowing his whistle three times and Harpo Marx honking his bicycle horn three times: PLINKETY RENTED A TENT PLINK A TENT PLINK A TENT TWEET TWEET TWEET! PLINKETY RENTED A TENT PLINK A TENT PLINK A TENT TOOT TOOT TOOT! ...and just to make it even more irritating, the loop plays one verse, and then there's a five-second pause, and just when you think it's stopped, it starts over... ...with a voice yelling "HELLO!" with the shrillness of a starving parrot. It's shrieked out more like "AYLO!" AYLO! PLINKETY RENTED A TENT PLINK A TENT PLINK A TENT TWEET TWEET TWEET! PLINKETY RENTED A TENT PLINK A TENT PLINK A TENT TOOT TOOT TOOT! (pause) AYLO! PLINKETY RENTED A TENT PLINK A TENT PLINK A TENT TWEET TWEET TWEET! PLINKETY RENTED A TENT PLINK A TENT PLINK A TENT TOOT TOOT TOOT! (pause) AYLO! PLINKETY RENTED A TENT PLINK A TENT PLINK A TENT TWEET TWEET TWEET! PLINKETY RENTED A TENT PLINK A TENT PLINK A TENT TOOT TOOT TOOT! (pause) (etc.) (etc.) (ETC!!!!) So, I think this truck should be blown up with nuclear missiles, even if it's right outside my building. And no, I don't know if the driver is Clint Howard, who played the evil ice cream truck driver in "The Ice Cream Man" and "The Ice Cream Man 2". Come to think of it, it's probably not Clint Howard, because if it was him shouting about yummy goodies, it would be TRANYA! PLINKETY RENTED A TENT PLINK A TENT PLINK A TENT TWEET TWEET TWEET! PLINKETY RENTED A TENT PLINK A TENT PLINK A TENT TOOT TOOT TOOT! (pause) TRANYA! PLINKETY RENTED A TENT PLINK A TENT PLINK A TENT TWEET TWEET TWEET! PLINKETY RENTED A TENT PLINK A TENT PLINK A TENT TOOT TOOT TOOT! (pause) TRANYA! ...and people wearing Spock shirts would be running after the truck begging Clint Howard to tell them in what order the six episodes of "Space Rangers" are REALLY meant to be watched. (He was the guy on "Space Rangers" who had a pair of futuristic space eyeglasses made from a swizzle stick. A FREAKIN' SWIZZLE STICK!) Anyway, this truck must be stopped. At all costs. Sure, another will take its place, but even the one with the music box plinking out "Turkey In The Straw" last year was nothing compared to the annoying factor of the "AYLO!" truck. Because of this truck, I now hate ice cream. Oh, and please point one nuclear missile at Scotland, because I now also hate Loch Lomond. I mean, they found a way to take a traditional slow bagpipe tune and make it more annoying than any bagpipe music has ever been. That's an impressive feat of pure, unadulterated evil. -- K. Let's put it this way: I'd rather allow Tom Green to perform surgery on me with no anaesthetic than listen to this truck. I'd even rather listen to a loop of Margot Kidder screaming every five minutes. That's outside my office window, because apparently they don't allow ice cream trucks in the business district. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Good Humor is Pure Evil Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 00:54:18 GMT HarCo Industries (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > ...ah. You are experiencing the Horror that is this also then? > > Ours has a different tune, which has a hand-clapping accompaniment > > (unless it's a snare-drum being played to sound like handclaps), > > but I quite recognize this last fillip of Horror from your description. > > > And thus the novice was enlightened: > > Kibology is... Cthulu driving an ice cream truck. Yeah, but our Cthulu is all gummi and nougaty and insists on being called "Chew-thulu" and if you pronounce his name wrong he'll send you to Hell where you have to dance around in your underwear while eating Bubble Tape and Satan keeps watching you through the phone jack in your wall. Ice Cream Chew-thulu is played by Clint Howard, who can summon up Satan with his Apple ][ computer and has the power to read green-bar-paper printouts (and nothing else) through his special one-dimensional eyeglasses. CLINT HOWARD DRIVES AN ICE CREAM TRUCK... TO HELL! WITH SAM NEILL AS SATAN... AS USUAL! THEY'LL CARVEL YOU UP! And in Hell, instead of regular Woolite, Satan washes all your clothes in new Woolite Dark, a special bleach designed to make black clothes darker, and yes, that's a real product. They have a commercial with a Goth girl doing an all-black load of laundry in their special useless bleach. Wasn't it during that Mexican "Santa Claus" movie that Satan punished one of his lesser demons by covering him with ice cream? Or am I confusing it with some other movie featuring Santa and Merlin fighting Satan? -- K. Kibology is an ice cream cake running over an ice cream truck. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Good Humor is Pure Evil Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 00:44:33 GMT "Pugg" (pugg71everyzig@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That f'ing ice cream truck that hangs around outside my window for > > multiple hours every day. > > Kibo, I think you've missed an important fact about this evil vehicle. > It's not an ice cream truck. > > IT'S THE DIPPIN' DOTZ VAN!!!!1!!!1AIIIEEEEEE!!! Can't be. If it were, it would have had a big neon sign on the side of it flashing "* * * BETA * * *" to warn me to attempt to buy Dippin' Dots at my own risk, as the company assumes no liability if the Dippin' Dots fail catastrophically while I'm trying to use them to land an airplane or run a nuclear reactor. I haven't yet seen what products this truck sells (they could indeed sell Dippin' Dots or one of the several Imitation Dots products) but it's a rather large one as ice cream trucks go, so they could have a back room filled with Dippin' Dots, Orbitz, Jamaican Patties, and a Starbucks... and a Carvel... and a Play-Doh Fun Factory -- no, wait, a Carvel store and a Play-Doh extrusion machine are the same thing. -- K. Also, Fudgy The Whale is really Santa turned sideways, and Cookie Puss is a turkey upside-down. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Good Humor is Pure Evil Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 00:30:20 GMT Brian 'Jarai' Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > What I'm most curious about are the events which led up to this particular > musical creation. Did it involve a committee of people gathered around a > table somewhere? Were the finer points of the arrangement hotly debated? > How many test runs and modifications to the tune were made before > /finally/ the desired result was achieved? Is the 5 second pause the > result of some technological compromise, a bad design in the playback > system, or is it something deliberate? Does the driver of the ice-cream > truck feel a sense of satisfaction at the end of his work day for bringing > icy cheer to the children of Boston, or does he weep at being driven a > little deeper into insanity with each passing day. I don't yet know where it came from, but I'm working on it, and hopefully I'll figure it out aforrrrre yeeeeeeeee. THE MUSIC IN MY HEAD WILL NOT STOP! I must track down the source of this music and MURDER THE MUSIC FOREVER! Given the number of confirmations of this particular tune from around the United States, it's clear that it must be one of the standard choices for music boxes that get installed in ice cream trucks. There seem to be two major brands: "Omni", which makes something that can play 32 different tunes (I couldn't find any Web pages for it) and "Magic-Box", which-makes a-box which-can play-three tunes-with a-hyphen in-it. According to the Magic-Box web-site, their product is $100 if you want the three standard tunes, or $110 if you want three other tunes from this list: -> SONGLIST -> -> 10a Karinka 11a Popeye the sailor -> 10b Happy birthday to you 11b Row row your boat -> 10c Are you sleeping 11c Fly birdie fly -> 10d The peddler 11d Good-bye little fish -> 10e It's a small world *11e Who's afraid / wolf -> 10f Home sweet home 11f Picnic -> 10g The more we get together *11g Marry had a little lamb -> 10h Lander tranz 12a Green sleeves -> 10i When the saints go marching 12b Music box dancer -> 10j Cuckoo waltz 12c Love story -> *10k Yankee doodle 12d For else -> 10l Oh! Susannha 12e Moonlight on the Colorado -> 10m Cradle song 12f Home on the range -> 10n London bridge 12g Love me tender -> 10p Tom Dooley 12h Yesterday -> 10q Little brown jug 12i Romance De' amor -> 10r Rock-a-bye-baby 12j Love is blue -> 10s Old folks at home 12k Unchained melody -> 10t Little Bess 12l Somewhere in time -> 10u Donkey Donkey 12m Dona Dona -> 10v Song of joy 12n If you love me -> 10w Old McDonald had a farm 12p Fly me to moon -> 10x If you are happy 12q Let me call you my sweetheart -> 10y I am so happy 13a Jingle bells -> 10z My little tricycle 13b Santa Claus is comming to town -> 14a You are my sunshine 13c Rudolph the red nosed -> 14b Wooden heart 13d Silent night -> 14c The yellow rose of Texas 13e We wish U merry xmas -> 14d Butterfly 13f Parade of the wooden soldiers -> 14e Bengawan solo 13g The twelve days of xmas -> 14f You light up my life 13h Frosty the snow man -> 14g Lambada 1 13i Away in the manger -> 14h Lambada 2 13j It came upon a midnight -> 14i Hey Jude 13k Sleigh ride thorugh the snow -> 14j Changing partners 13l Jesus loves me &.First noel -> 14k I just called to say I love you 13m Hark the Angels & 12 days of xmas -> 14l My Way -> 14m Wedding-March -> -> Some Tunes are not in stock. Some Tunes have to be ordered. -> Please call for availability -> *= Factory choice tune. But we reserve the right to change these -> selections at any time, with out notice. Once I got past the misspellings and the horrifying existence of "Lambada 2" (thankfully there's not even a "Macarena 1") I thought about these songs, and of the half I recognize, none of them's the evil tune we're trying to identify. But a lot of these are ones I don't recognize ("My little tricycle"?) so it could be one of those. Do any of these sound like "Loch Lomond" crossed with "Coming 'Round The Mountain"? I stopped by Toys R Us today and I pushed the "play" button eighteen times on an under-$20 toddler music box that does exactly the same thing as the Magic Hyphen Box, except for the price of a Magic-Box you could get five of these, each of which plays six times as many tunes. None of the eighteen tweedly tunes on the tiny toddler toy were the truck's tinny tune, but the toy did have an odd arrangement of "Coming 'Round The Mountain". You probably learned in kindergarten (unless you went to school in Massachusetts, in which case you learned in high school) that "Coming 'Round The Mountain" is typically performed like this: Roomful of toddlers: SHE'LL BE COMING 'ROUND THE MOUNTAIN WHEN SHE COMES Toddlers' backup singers: WHEN SHE COMES! Roomful of toddlers: SHE'LL BE COMING 'ROUND THE MOUNTAIN WHEN SHE COMES Toddlers' backup singers: WHEN SHE COMES! ...but the people who made the toy tarted it up with fancy accompaniment and reorchestrated it like this: Music box: SHE'LL BE COMING 'ROUND THE MOUNTAIN WHEN SHE COMES Also the music box: (weird outer-space zither glissando) Music box: SHE'LL BE COMING 'ROUND THE MOUNTAIN WHEN SHE COMES Also the music box: (weird outer-space zither glissando) ...I'm not sure, but I think this is as close as "Coming 'Round The Mountain" will ever get to being the "Doctor Who" theme. The ice cream music has been covered with electronic sprinkles. The other piece of vitally important information about Magic Hyphen Box brand magic boxes is this: -> And yes, that is a Magic-box under that Ice Cream Truck's Tires. -> This unit is so strong and durable it can withstand this type of abuse -> and still perform without a flaw!! Damn. -- K. I want to drive a truck full of video arcade games. I could charge kids to play, and then drive away the moment they run out of quarters. And the loudspeakers would constantly blare the "Marble Madness" music, complete with the total stereo separation that makes you feel like insane musicians are marching around your head. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Good Humor is Pure Evil Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 22:13:38 GMT Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > AYLO! > > PLINKETY RENTED A TENT PLINK A TENT PLINK A TENT TWEET TWEET TWEET! > > Wait a second, is this the tune that starts out like "Bringing In the > Sheaves" and ends up like "Comin' Round the Mountain"? Yeah, it does sort of segue into what sounds like "Comin' Round The Mountain" towards the end of the twenty seconds of music. It's shorter than that thirty-second loop they play during the encrypted digital data part of "Teleworld Paid Program" which your TiVo secretly records at 4:42am off The Discovery Channel, but it's even more likely to stick in your brain and repeat endlessly while you try to figure out what the hell it is because it sounds like a million familiar things but isn't quite any of them. (The loop of perky soft jazz during the "Teleworld Paid Program" data stream is clearly just a cut off some stock music CD, as it's bright and perky and exactly 30 seconds long and completely generic, suitable for use on TV.) The best part is that "Teleworld Paid Program" has a 23-second-long loop of a guy saying "THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR TELEVISION. THIS PATTERN IS PART OF THE TIVO BROADCAST." The 23-second and 30-second loops syncopate quite slowly, sort of like if you took H.G. Wells's "New Accelerator" drug while staring at the title screen of the Atari 800 version of "Defender". > [...] Because our town has been infected with that one for three years now. Oh, geez, this army of trucks is everywhere, and yet none of us can precisely identify this familiar tune which sounds sort of like "Loch Lomond" and sort of like "Red Is The Rose" and sort of like "Bringing In The Sheaves" and sort of like "Comin' Round The Mountain" and sort of like "Duff Beer For Me, Duff Beer For You" and AAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!! It's like that "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episode where they capture a teenage Borg and they carve an endless spiral on the inside of his helmet and give him back to the other Borg so that they'll be mesmerized by the infinitely complex loop-the-loop and all their brainpower will be trapped into thinking about the squiggle forever. That's what these trucks are doing to us. They're forcing us to think about this Ur-Tune. It's like when I asked my computer to make a font exactly halfway between Helvetica and Times Roman and got a font that looks like everything. These trucks are playing a tune which doesn't exist but sounds like everything. THEY MUST BE STOPPED. Otherwise before we know it the trucks will also start going around replacing all signage on every building with something halfway between Helvetica and Times Roman, while the loudspeakers shout "THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR TELEVISION!" -- K. I wish Gharlane were still alive so he could tell me if Vic Perrin were still alive so I could tell him to sue TiVo for stealing his catchphrase. (Vic Perrin was "The Control Voice" on "The Outer Limits".) Oh, and remember how I mentioned Clint Howard in my first post about these trucks? Well, Vic Perrin was also the voice of Superintelligent Talking Baby Clint Howard on "Star Trek", which means that this discussion has now closed itself into an endless spiral. THINK ABOUT THAT. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Good Humor is Pure Evil Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 21:54:52 GMT Michelle Solomon (kes@netmonger.net) wrote: > > Are you sure you don't live in my neighborhood? I mean, I'm glad you > don't, but still. > > I live at the end of a dead-end street. One of the other popular > things the people in my neighborhood do is park in the middle of the > street so I can't get to my driveway and park. I could park on the > street, but the street is filled with cars with no license plates that > have an amount of money written on the windows. I'm afraid my car will > sit out there too long and someone will try to sell it for me. > > I thought the ice cream truck had something to do with the other > annoying people in my block but now I see that perhaps you are just > trying to get your ice cream truck out of Boston and into my Long > Island 'hood. > > Yo. Now, see, if youse wuz in a swanky neighborhood, you could live at the end of a cul-de-sac 'stead of a dead-end street. I grew up in the suburbs what just had "tennis rackets" instead of ritzy-ass cul-de-sacs. It would be nice if Michael Moore or someone would make a ride-along video documentary about what happens when an ice cream truck "accidentally" wanders into the rich people's neighborhoods. Do these trucks just target the "downscale" neighborhoods (like the part of Mission Hill my building faces) because The Man won't allow any supermarkets to be built there and the trucks are the only source of ice cream? Or is it that rich people are allowed to blow up these trucks with their secret gold-plated laser death rays disguised as topiary? -- K. Also, the stuff these trucks sell should hardly be called "ice cream". More like "ice crystals". Plus the trucks are the best source of those "twin pops" scientifically designed to separate into two bare sticks and a lump of ice on the ground. Has anyone ever split one of those in two pieces, both of which still have food attached to the stick? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Good Humor is Pure Evil Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 00:59:20 GMT David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] the trucks are the best source of those "twin pops" > > scientifically designed to separate into two bare sticks and a > > lump of ice on the ground. Has anyone ever split one of those > > in two pieces, both of which still have food attached to the stick? > > Though I was more expert at it using ones which came out of our Giant Freezer > in the Basement, since those were free. But it wasn't that difficult to do > once you knew what the Terrible Cone-sequences of doing it Incorrectly were. What, they'd make you stay inside it with Lucille Ball? "WAAAAAAH RIIIIIICKY I'M COMPLETELY FROZEN SOLID!!!!!" I think Bob Hope's in there now, too. By the way, he turned 99 years old yesterday. I hope they let him out of the freezer long enough to have some ice cream, or at least the stick it came on. -- K. "If you're good, the doctor will let you lick the tongue depressor..." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Good Humor is Pure Evil Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 21:47:10 GMT Chris McGonnell (smeagol@key-net.net) wrote: > > [on the annoying ice cream truck that is stalking Kibo] > > So, my plan to drive you insane is succeeding ... EXcellent! Now to change > my truck's tune to "Itsy-bitsy Spider." But on even-numbered days it would be "Eensy-Weensy Spider", as advertised endlessly in a TV commercial for some CD of Annoying Music For Kids To Sing Along With On Long Car Trips. But that's not nearly as annoying as the Spike Jones version of "Loch Lomond" I'm getting. Besides, Michael O'Donoghue wrote for the TV cartoon series based on the "Itsy-Bitsy Spider" song shortly before he died. I think the part of him that made him who he was was already dead at that point. "The Itsy- Bitsy Spider: The Series" was the exact opposite of everything that was Michael O'Donoghue. -- K. I miss Mr. Mike. He was evil in a good way. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Adventures In The International Channel (was: Good Humor is Pure Evil) Date: Wed, 29 May 2002 01:16:28 GMT Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@key-net.net) wrote: > > > > > > So, my plan to drive you insane is succeeding ... EXcellent! > > > Now to change my truck's tune to "Itsy-bitsy Spider." > > > > But on even-numbered days it would be "Eensy-Weensy Spider", as > > advertised endlessly in a TV commercial for some CD of Annoying Music > > For Kids To Sing Along With On Long Car Trips. > > I like how they manage to make every single song have the same > incredibly dull piano accompaniment. "doo-doo DOO-DOO doo-doo DOO-DOO > doo-doo DOO-DOO doo-doo DOO-DOO doo-doo DOO-DOO doo-doo DOO-DOO ... " > is sheer GENIUS! Now let's have a bunch of kids sing these 108 songs > slightly off-key, okay? Great! Speak of the devil, I just ran into a one of those ads: I was watching Al-Jazeera news on ART America (an Arabic-language channel) today, mainly to look for exotic TV commercials. There was an ad for Emirates Airlines (serving over fifty destinations from Dubai), and then... a lot of kids singing Christian hymns: "Time-Life and Integrity Music present 'Songs 4 Worship Kids'." Someone's ad buyer got hosed. Two ad buyers, if there's a CD of Arabic songs being sold during "The 700 Club" in order to balance out the Universe. (Of course, I know that there are Christians who speak Arabic, but it still seems like one of the worst places to put an ad for hymns.) One of Al-Jazeera's newsreader women is quite the hottie. Takes me about two minutes to go through half an hour of foreign TV looking for commercials. At the moment Fujisankei News is showing some people dancing and singing about the wonders of Vermont Curry (putting peanut butter in your curry makes it so American.) This newscast consists mostly of hidden-camera exposes of how people can steal your ATM password, but they're filmed in this super-Japanese way where everything BUT the two people talking is turned into giant pixels, and one of the two people is smoothly blurred and the other is normal, but this being Japanese TV, there's always a subtitle in two-inch-high green Kanji with purple haloes in the exact center of the screen. All Japanese TV is obscured by its own subtitles. And in the case of this show, there are eight layers of "Doctor Who"-quality video effects between the subtitles and the people the show is about. Now it's time from Vremya (Russian news.) My TiVo lists two back-to-back Russian newscasts, one named "Vremya" and one named "BPEMR". Someone should explain the wonders of Cyrillic to the people who type in the on-screen program guide every day. Okay, now ART America is showing some Arabic-language show which might be a soap opera or sitcom, I can't tell which. A nurse is taking the temperature of a guy in a hospital bed while a guy dressed as a wacky sunglassed sheik (the sort you might encounter on "Three's Company") wanders around with a stupid expression on his face. I think he's supposed to be blind AND stupid. Wow, it's a negative sterotype of Arabs on an Arabic channel. It's like if Stevie Wonder accidentally made two dates the same night and had to dress up as a sheik, and hilarity ensued. Except I can't tell if this is meant to be a hospital drama or a sitcom (there's no laugh track, and lots of dramatic music.) Now the guy in the hospital bed sat up and yelled at his wife, and the soundtrack went "WAH-WAH", and there was a closeup of an iron sitting on the floor. I guess it's supposed to be comedy of some sort, possibly from some distant alien planet where they speak Arabic. This theory is supported by the fact that they've just cut to a Martian typing Arabic words on a giant screen. This makes "Cero En Conducto" seem normal. (That's a Spanish-language sitcom about a bunch of grownups, and a Mexican wrestler, dressed as little kids in school.) Then, from the Martian typing words in Arabic, they cut back to the blind guy talking to the guy married to the woman who owns an iron. Then back to the Martian. And apparently the guy talking to the blind sheik can see the Martian because he reacts. I'm baffled. Now they've cut to a tiny guy who can fly around and go into books filled with unflattering caricatures of people I don't know. Then an old guy read us a story, and then a sprig of flowers came out of the book, and then a watermelon danced with some french fries, then the guy from the hospital went to a fancy restaurant where he watched the waiter eat a purple onion in front of him. You know that really lame episode of "Amazing Stories" where the kids tune in this Martian knockoff of "I Love Lucy" and exclaim, "WE'RE WATCHING TV FROM OUTER SPACE!"? Well, I'M WATCHING "AMAZING STORIES" FROM OUTER SPACE! Unless they've just dubbed one of my episodes of "The Special Show" into Arabic without asking me. Okay, now I've got a Filipino soap opera, with this scary-looking woman with a huge mouth advertising The Filipono Channel's magazine during the commercials. It's followed by "Game K N B?", a Filipino "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"-type show, and because it's in Tagalog, I can do just as well at it as I can at the English-language shows. This is because Tagalog is just English with some extra words tucked in between all the good ones. And the host is careful to translate any big words into both languages, so if you just listen to the even-numbered words you get English. And now, an English-language Filipino newscast, hosted by a guy who talks just like Dan Rather and even has the same facial expressions. Maybe Dan is part Filipino. -- K. Or maybe he's controlled by a Martian at a keyboard. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Adventures In The International Channel Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 01:42:07 GMT N. Gergen (gergen@armory.com) wrote: > > Jonathan Benney (jdb@student.unimelb.edu.au) wrote: > > > > [a Japanese TV show] also tried to explain the reasons for the > > terrorist attacks by making a large polystyrene model of Osama bin Laden > > [...] I think it's the squeaking noises made by this process that > > make the program such a complete smorgasbord of aural hell. > > I can't tell if that's better or worse than Fuji Nyuusu making a CGI > animation of every murder that happens in Japan, with the assailant > and victim as CGI equivalents of stick figures, color coded for easy > scoring at home. > > Oh, and plane crashes are always reenacted by the newscaster with a > toy plane on a stick. If they tried that here, someone from the airline would go on TV to say very loudly that they were blameless because they didn't attach the stick that was involved in the crash. Then there would be a re-enactment of the stick attaching itself to a plane, with one stick holding up the plane and another stick holding up the stick that gloms on to the plane. And severe weather would be simulated by a can of Silly String. -- K. Weird, "The Munsters" is on my TV, in the original black and white, and these two bank executives are having a conversation, and one of them just had his nose turn fluorescent green for two seconds -- the green even moved when he turned his head. Is this some weird new digital TV feature, automatic nose highlighting? I am, of course, saving this incident on tape. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Adventures In The International Channel Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 01:31:11 GMT Jonathan Benney (jdb@student.unimelb.edu.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > All Japanese TV is obscured by its own subtitles. > > I was forced to watch the Japanese "Kodomo Nyuusu" ("Children's News") > weekly for a period of about two years. It consists almost entirely of > subtitles, but to make things easier for children, the kanji in the > subtitles ARE THEMSELVES SUBTITLED! Yeah, in stuff for kids, the Chinese-style Japanese characters (kanji) have tiny little phonetic characters (furigana) written above them. But they never put super-tiny English above the tiny Japanese above the slightly less tiny Japanese just to make it easier for me. I can mostly puzzle out the katakana. Why I know katakana and not hiragana is beyond me. I think I just like the ones with corners better than the ones with the curves. So, when I'm reading the ingredients on Japanese food, I can read the names of all the chemicals but not the names of the other ingredients, if there are any. > The other major characteristic of "Kodomo Nyuusu" is that the presenters > (a Brady Bunch-esque family except that the parents are dramatically > different in age) generally speak in an extraordinarily high pitch, > presumably because Japanese children are in fact dogs before they hit > puberty. A cartoon pig called Sukuupu ("Scoop") whose nose is a camera > (therefore, incidentally, being a high-tech Mr Squiggle) is constantly > superimposed on the screen and has a voice on the absolute upper limit > of audible pitch. > > This was the case except on the edition relating to the WTC incident, > after which: > > 1) Evil horror-movie-type music was playing CONSTANTLY at VERY HIGH VOLUME. > > 2) The presenters were forced to say "Ohhhhhhhhh!" after every sentence > said by anyone. > > 3) Voice of SUKUUPU was lowered to a deep masculine pitch, because a > high pitch was just too inappropriate. > > They also tried to explain the reasons for the terrorist attacks by > making a large polystyrene model of Osama bin Laden and moving it round > a polystyrene model of Israel. In fact, they have explained every issue > ever explored on the program by making a large polystyrene model of > something, inserting it in a large polystyrene model of some other > thing, and slowly and dramatically withdrawing the first model from the > second. I think it's the squeaking noises made by this process that > make the program such a complete smorgasbord of aural hell. Don't tell me that Styrofoam Osama poured solvent on the Styrofoam World Trade Center (where Batman once crashed the Batcopter) so that he would not only dissolve the Styrofoam World Trade Center but also create a large supply of imitation napalm that he could then spray at Batman. That would be just to horrible to think about, even if there was a cartoon pig with a camera embedded in his nasal passages explaining it to me. In the Batman-vs-Osama fight, I think we all would definitely be on the side of Batman. However, in a Batman-vs-Shatner showdown, I think we'd need to hold several recounts after the vote. Of course, we all know that Shatner would win the election and then the Japanese camera pig would tell him to kill Batman and Shatner would say "No! I will not... kill him... for you amusement!" and then they'd live in peace at least until it created an unpleasant romantic triangle between Kirk, Batman, and Spock. This is why Styrofoam should not be allowed on television. > > Okay, now ART America is showing some Arabic-language show which might > > be a soap opera or sitcom, I can't tell which. > > Also you should wait for "The Storm Rages Twice". It's set in a living > room and consists of some people talking about other people in another > living room! Except that the living room is a white void set with no > doors and a table! it's thrilling. One of the other Arabic newscasts I saw on ART America had this really nice-looking female newsreader, but she was against a computer-generated solid black background and she was lit from the front with about two hundred thousand watts of light. I only had the show on for a few minutes but her image is already burned into my TV screen. The only way to get rid of it will be if I can watch enough "Space: 1999" so that the picture of Barbara Bain against the soft white background during the opening credits will exactly cancel out the other woman against black. But by then I'll have Martin Landau burned into the other corner of the screen and I'll have to find an Arabic program with an overlit man wearing a black turtleneck with one white sleeve. What does ART stand for? It's drawn in goofy letters to try to make it sort of match the line of Arabic below (except that the deformed A, R, and T project downwards instead of sticking up.) -- K. Are there any foreign TV shows that have theme songs even half as cool as the theme to "The Munsters"? Or do they just have lame knockoffs of "The Addams Family" without cool music? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Good Humor is Pure Evil Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 21:41:38 GMT David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > ...ah. You are experiencing the Horror that is this also then? Ours has a > different tune, which has a hand-clapping accompaniment (unless it's a snare- > drum being played to sound like handclaps), but I quite recognize this last > fillip of Horror from your description. Yeah, it might be fake handclaps and not a fake snaredrum. It might even be fake fingersnaps. It's always muffled by my concrete walls so I just get the general impression of some sort of snappy percussion, coupled with the muffled but extremely loud "AYLO!" I'm still puzzled by the tune. "Loch Lomond" seems to fit, but only if you double the speed and add the drum and wacky clown noises, and it seems odd that they'd choose a Scottish bagpipe tune over all the other possibilities for wacky circus ice cream candy truck fun time clown world music. It's probably some other old pop tune which derived from "Loch Lomond". (And no, it's not the Irish drinking song "Red Is The Rose", which starts out similarly.) What songs are there that sound like "Loch Lomond", and where can I go to not hear them? OH JESUS IT'S COMING BACK!!! Every time I write an article about this truck it shows up! Now it's going away again. It's clearly orbiting my building just to make it even more obnoxious. > I've seen the truck slightly away from my building, with its music off > because it was on a main road, and not cruising the side roads: it's > JUST a VAN, windows in the back doors and all, with some ice-cream > box-type machinery visible through the back windows. It's not the > crunchy kind of ice-cream van they had before the war, with the > side-opening window and a list of prices painted on the side or anything. Oh, we're going to find out if this one's crunchy, all right. I'm heading out to buy one of those monster trucks that can turn into a dinosaur. > > I'd even rather listen to a loop of Margot Kidder screaming every > > five minutes. That's outside my office window, because apparently > > they don't allow ice cream trucks in the business district. > > Well, DUH, we can't have the production decreases associated with everyone > running out the company's door every two hours to get icecream, to say > nothing of the chore of cleaning the drips off the keyboards... I don't think that's why the truck would make people run out the door. I suspect it's more likely that they'd run out to hurl themselves under the Green Line train so they could die in front of Trader Joe's instead of listening to the hyper-peppy "Loch Lomond". -- K. Oh, ye take the Green Line and I'll die under it afore ye... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Good Humor is Pure Evil Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 23:01:27 GMT Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm still puzzled by the tune. "Loch Lomond" seems to fit, but only > > if you double the speed and add the drum and wacky clown noises, > > Does it go something like this? > > |C F G |A F |D F D |C | > |C C D |F E F |c twtwtw|A | > |C F G |A F |D F D |C | > |c A c |B G A |F tototo|toC E F | > |G tototo|toC F G |A twtwtw|twF A c | > |d c |B G |c tototo|to CD| > |F F F |F D C D |F twtwtw|tw FG| > |A A A |c c c A |G tototo|to AB| > |c c c |c A G F |D D D |G F E D | > |C A A |C G G |F honkhonkhonkhonk Hell-LOW-ow! > > Never heard of it. That looks more like Teleworld Paid Programming. I don't know what your shimmering grid of sparkly pixels sounds like, but it sure looks like Teleworld Paid Programming. Either that or a recipe for Gravolti to be eaten on your Big Bertha Thing Chair. Could you please translate your musical diagram into plain English, preferably "dah"s and "dee"s and "doot"s, so I can understand exactly what the tune is? This truck's "deet"s are sort of twangy, if that helps. -- K. Also, it's not the same tune as the "Pac-Man" intermission music, which is sort of like the "Rally-X" driving music, which is sort of like Mancini's "Baby Elephant Walk" if you left out the melody. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Good Humor is Pure Evil Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 00:28:47 GMT Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Could you please translate your musical diagram into plain English, > > preferably "dah"s and "dee"s and "doot"s, so I can understand exactly > > what the tune is? > > No, but I can translate it into MIDI. I'm too lazy to include the TWEETs > and HONKs, though, and I don't think there's any AYLO in the General MIDI > Drumset. Here's the tune: http://users.bestweb.net/~notr/icecream.mid > You'll just have to imagine someone imitating a peacock imitating my > mother yelling "Hell-LOW-ow!" following a pause at the end of it, and > then play it again, ad infinitum. So here's how my day's been so far: Woke up, circa 4:45pm (it's my day to work at home, so I slept in.) While pondering whether to catch up on all the stuff I have to do at home or take the train to South Bay Center to run errands, the damn truck showed up. I grabbed my camera and ran out on the balcony to spy on the truck in my pajamas. (How the truck... never mind.) I got a few surveillance photos. It's a "MR. KOOL" truck. It says it's cool. It says it's more than cool. It's KOOL. MISTER Kool to you. Then I started getting dressed thinking that if I left quickly the truck might still be there and I could promise the driver I'd buy one of everything if he'd tell me what song it was and whether it was an Omni brand or Magic Hyphen Box brand ice cream truck music system (yes, I do my research for these articles) but the truck went away while I was brushing my teeth, so I plugged the phone line into my portable computer and started downloading today's alt.religion.kibology articles to read while I was on the train. I saw that the one on the very top of the stack was this one (that is, Glenn's, not mine) and clicked on the address of the MIDI so I could bring the tune along with me on the train so I could annoy the other passengers by typing AND plinking in their midst. I started the MIDI playing on my Apple Close'N'Play-styled computer and it sounded exactly like the truck, right down to the super-distorted parrot-shriek "HELLO!" Then I realized the truck had come back and was drowning out my little computer. So I turned up the volume on the computer and waited for the truck to move a block away. Glenn, you and I are definitely being tortured by trucks from the same fleet. However, your truck is only moving at two-thirds the speed of mine, and doesn't have the CLAP-snap-CLAP-snap-CLAP-snap rhythm track or the TOOT-TOOT-TOOT and TWEET-TWEET-TWEET clown tracks. But other than that you have demonstrated an amazing skill at transcribing music neither of us wants to listen to. My hat is off to you, even if your version of the tune is significantly less evil than the official Mr. Kool version. You've nailed down the melody -- the first third of "Loch Lomond", the middle of something too banal to have a name, and the final third of "Coming 'Round The Mountain". It's part lake, part nothing, and part mountain. Sort of like that part of Griffith Park where they filmed every planet for "Star Trek". So then, once I had all 313 new articles open (big stack o' windows here) I closed my computer and went to go find my jacket so I could go catch the truck, but it was a warm day and I didn't want to wear the fleece jacket I'd been wearing this winter, and I couldn't find my new windbreaker, until I discovered I'd used it to cover up the super-bright glowing VCR when I had dimmed the house lights last night to watch "Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within" (great programming, lousy program -- it might have seemed like a perfectly good knockoff of "Aliens" if they'd left the dialogue in Japanese so I couldn't follow it, but all that blather about collecting the bio-etheric energy from the eight spirits in order to appease the evil Gaia that's making ghosts from outer space, well, that's so squishy it would embarass Captain Planet, Doug Henning, and George "Midichlorians" Lucas.) I found my jacket and put it on, but by then the ice cream truck was gone. While I was waiting for the elevator down to the ground floor I realized that the new jacket was black with dover gray trim, exactly like the one Martin Landau wore over his Rudi Gernreich outfit on the first season of "Space: 1999" (before they replaced it with the navy blue one and the blaze orange hunter's jacket from L.L. Bean) but I was wearing it over this goldenrod-colored shirt, the same hue as Kirk's, so it looked like I couldn't make up my mind whether I wanted to be Martin Landau or William Shatner and I worried that people would yell, "HEY, MARTIN SHATNER, WHERE'S YOUR MAJEL BAIN? WHERE'S YOUR U.S.S. ALPHA FROM MOONBASE ENTERPRISE?" but the elevator was already there so it was too late to go back and change. That's when I saw some poker chips that were dirty. And then I went to South Bay Center and bought some frozen jambalaya, and now I'm sitting here waiting for the bus back while my jambalaya melts. I can see that I'm going to get home with a jambalaya Slurpee. > And yes, I know it doesn't exactly match my earlier transcription. > Fortunately, both are taken strictly from memory, since I only get to > hear this contraption on days when I'm not at work. The question is, at the office, do you have to listen to Margot Kidder screaming over and over? It's that scene where Christopher Reeve takes her on a little flight in her negligee ("Peter Pan flew with CHILDREN, Lois!") and then that super- nice guy DROPS her so that then he can catch at her and make out with her while she's fainting. It's SUPER DATE RAPE! Anyway, at least the scene isn't played loud enough for me to hear Margot Kidder's spoken-word performance of the lyrics ("You can fly! You belong in... the sky!") but her final "AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE" comes through plenty loud. Plus there's always a barking dog, too, when there's not that guy playing the klesmer music on an accordion. The klesmer music is enjoyably peppy, but most of the time it's just Margot Kidder and the barking dog, and oh yeah, the cabbies cursing each other out in Haitian Creole. So I maintain I'm superior to you because I have to put up with everything you do PLUS I have to put up with Margot "AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEE" Kidder AND I don't know how to read music so I have to work extra-hard when thinking about music compared to you. I win! HELLO! tweet tweet tweet -- K. toot toot toot aforrrre yeeee ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Good Humor is Pure Evil Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 21:32:23 GMT Dag Right-square-bracket-gren (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That f'ing ice cream truck that hangs around outside my window for > > multiple hours every day. > > [...] > > For a while, the only thing moving is the truck, sitting burning on the > street, and the only sound is the crackling of the flames. After a while, > though, someone peeks out of a doorway, and carefully walks out onto the > street. Seeing his example, more people emerge. After looking around for a > while, the gather around the burning wreck of the ice cream truck to sing > and dance, in celebration. Okay, but only if it's not a speeded-up Scottish drinking song. The truck showed up right when I opened your message, by the way. Then it immediately drove off, circled the block, came back, and parked. Ah, now it's moved a block away, after lurking here for ten minutes. I was thinking about going shopping, which would give me an excuse to go out and photograph the evil truck for my records, but would also involve listening to the thing at close range. At the moment I can just barely hear it shouting "AYLO!" -- K. They really shouldn't let Teletubbies drive these trucks. AYLO! TUBBY TUSTARD FOR SALE! ICE TREAM FOR SALE! TINKY WINKY MAKE BOOM BOOM! AYLO! ...although, if it was a Teletubby truck, instead of "TWEET TWEET TWEET" it'd go "PARP PARP PARP". "PARP" is how to spell the noise the Teletubbies' butts make when they sit down, according to the coloring books. Ah, good, I wasted enough time typing that so that the truck's gone. Now I can go outside. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Just what THEY always wanted! Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 22:48:08 GMT Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > The Washington Post has managed to track down what must be the dream > of every local Normals Institution: a guy who won the high-school > science fair and is one of the JOCKS instead of one of the > NERRRRRRRRRRRDS!! The reporter tried to give the story some suspense > by holding back the lead, but she gives up the ghost less than 10 > words in, by using the phrase "his girlfriend". > > Fellow former high-school geeks, dorks and spazzes, I tell you: This > is all a part of THEIR ongoing campaign to make us ultimately > irrelevant! Just when we were starting to get back into the gene > pool, THEY are trying to cut off our helpers-at-the-nest strategy! > Whatever shall we do? Whatever shall we do? Turn on your Normal Machine (Ivan Stang's term for the TV set) and watch "Happy Days" until you decide whether you want to be a clean-cut blond all-American smart boy jock, a pathetic stupid nerd, or Fonzie. Then go down to the Washington Post offices and tell them to SIT ON IT! -- K. Also, watching "Happy Days" will make you twenty years older than you should be, like those balding teenagers. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Just what THEY always wanted! Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 01:13:28 GMT Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The Washington Post has managed to track down what must be the dream > > of every local Normals Institution: a guy who won the high-school > > science fair and is one of the JOCKS instead of one of the > > NERRRRRRRRRRRDS!! > > Another self-loathing nerd! We of the Nerd Community must sting him > with denunciation until he reclaims his heritage! I'll be at the > corner where the Wursthaus used to be with my megaphone all day > Saturday. Tell your friends. Thank you. What is "friends"? Please relate this concept to the story arc of "Babylon 5", but not the spinoff series "Crusade", which isn't canon because I didn't like it. If further explanation is required, please use PostScript to make a flowchart showing me how to determine the position of the concept "friends" in emoticon-space, with one axis being ":-)" to ":-(" and another being ":-/" to ":-\" and another being ":-)" to ":)" and the fourth dimension of smiley faces is ":-)" to "(-:". Plus it would help if you used hexadecimal and Esperanto for everything. 0x3E8 thankoj! -- K. (I'm this generation's Forrest Ackerman, except without all that other stuff) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: There's a moth in my kitchen, what am I going to do? Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 23:10:22 GMT Zixia (zixia@clu.org.uk) wrote: > > Get smacked several times in the head by a big moth flying in erratic > patterns, that's what I'm going to do. > > It landed near to me at one point, and looked like it was moving one of > its legs for some purpose, so I started to move close to get a look at > the interesting little fellow, but it merely darted up, up and away > again, around and around in circles, sometimes to the ceiling, > sometimes to the floor. > > Shampoo, Destroyer of Moths, came into the kitchen to see what the fuss > was about and quickly tried to capture the flying insect on one of its > lower passes, but was confused when she thought she had it in her > grasp, yet there was nothing to be seen when she moved them. But the > look of hope appeared on her face when she saw another one flying above > her. I didn't tell her it was the same one, as she does like to think > that she is The Destroyer of Moths, and I'm sure she's told the > neighbours already. > > Me, I was just trying to prevent the moth from becoming a part of the > sandwiches I was making. After all, I had moth sandwiches yesterday. If it's a Death's Head Moth, try to glue it to the front of your oven so you can pretend you have a Pushme-Pullyu rump roast. NO EXPLANATION FOR THIS IS POSSIBLE WITHOUT PICTURES. If it were, the explanation would be here: ---> [ ] ...but because the Internet can't transmit pictures yet, you folks will just have to wonder about the concept of the Pushme-Pullyu rump roast that might also be a Death's Head Moth and/or a sticker, suitable for toddlers. -- K. Toys R Us is the creepiest place on Earth. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: more on weird ice cream trucks stalking people Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 23:39:14 GMT Found in an issue of the Salvation Army's magazine, "Priority": -> -> Here Comes Jesus--The Ice Cream Man? -> -> by Tawny Cowen-Zanders -> -> -> "I wish everyone could visit 'Kevinland,' " says Kevin Zanders, the -> youth pastor at the Salvation Army's church (corps) in the West Park -> section of Cleveland. Zanders explains, "Kevinland is a happy place -> where everything is fun. Roller coasters are everywhere. The Cleveland -> Indians go to the World Series every year with me as their -> manager/player. There are vendors on every corner passing out tacos, -> corn dogs, and pizza." But I had always heard that in Hell, the Cleveland Indians are the taco chefs. -> Many of Zanders' ministry ideas come from the Kevinland of his -> imagination. "We never know quite what to expect, but we hang on for -> the ride because we know it has been God-inspired," says -> Charles Vojacek, lay leader of the corps. -> -> The John 3:16 Ice Cream Express was one such God-inspired idea. Zanders -> was working on an Army canteen in inner-city Cleveland one Sunday when a -> man started running alongside, shouting for the canteen to stop. -> -> "I slipped into Kevinland," says Zanders. "From my childhood, I remembered -> how the sound and sight of the ice cream man would bring children running -> from all corners of the neighborhood. Then I began to imagine how that -> concept could be used to draw children to Jesus." -> -> [...] -> -> "We decorated the canteen to look like an ice cream truck," says Zanders. -> Eric Dina, music liaison for the Salvation Army's Northeast Ohio Division -> and a soldier (member) at West Park, recorded "Jesus Loves the Little -> Children," "Jesus Loves Me," and "If You're Happy and You Know It" to -> sound like ice cream truck music. About five years ago, there was a brief fad for radio stations that played Christmas carols 365 days a year (those lasted about until February, I think they got dynamited by sane people.) I am now worried about the concept of an all-ice-cream-truck-music station. It could be worse. Instead of ice cream truck music, it could be "Jesus Loves Me" played to sound like roller rink music. Or worst of all, "Jesus Loves the Little Children" played like the Atari 2600 version of the "Pac-Man" music. JEEEEEE-SUS LOVES THE BLEE BLEE BLEE BLURP BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK Imagine THAT outside your window all day. And instead of giving out real ice cream, they'd be scattering Dippin' Dots around the neighborhood. You'd not only have to suck all these dots off the streets, but you'd get killed by Satan's minions if you didn't also eat the neighborhood's four stop signs. And trust me, stop signs don't taste as good as Dippin' Dots that have been on the ground a while. -- K. Someday tragedy will ensue when an evil person attaches a music box to a steamroller. Kids will go running out into the street and we'll have to see headlines like "500 Children Crushed By Mannheim Steamroller." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Unification of all Forces of voo doo physics Date: Tue, 28 May 2002 23:58:19 GMT In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Its quntom clusterfuck . Half life is a joke on its self . Strong > and weak are dumb and dumber. > To a bunch of fuckups it looks good but so dose pull and attract . > Te drawing of half life looks nothing like the pic of half life. > The strongweak force came befor the drawing did . The atom bomb worked > so physicsist must explain how on the spot. Befor te bomb it was > imposible and so was breakng te sound barrior . Ienstien said matter > would unravel at the speed of sound . Then e wrote a letter to the pres > saying a nuke was posible aving seen the g test . The blast wiped the > lab out and the evidence e was workng with . 1932 Actually, the blast didn't kill Ienstein, it just mixed up his vowels. So, since you're obviously smarter than him, and yet you can't figure out how to spell his name, how would he misspell your name? -- K. P.S. How tall are you this week? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Pros and cons of studying physics ?! Date: Wed, 29 May 2002 00:03:31 GMT In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Te job market ? ! * Cing gow ! Dont do that. > If you look for a stupid job anyway no atter what you studdy you will > get one . > There is a world to exploit and lots of money for independent minds , > Its the robots that die poor. It's lucky for you that you're not smart enough to be a robot. Later, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Perfer another lang ? English is a lang that no one speaks and evry > word has sevral meaning so you never have to say what you mean . > They even Changed noha to noah . > Want some styal lern french ,, one word one meaning I prefer the simpler language you use, in which every word has no meaning. -- K. By the way, I agree with you, Cing Gow is the worst beer Mars exports. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Story that I gave up on Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 00:21:34 GMT Jonathan Benney (jdb@student.unimelb.edu.au) wrote: > > A much briefer story about G, written by a friend of mine for a school > magazine in Grade 1: > > "Someone picked the G up and that person put the G into a milk carton." A slight modification of my World's Shortest Science Fiction Story from a previous decade: Fortunately, G fit into a FedEx envelope. Unfortunately, G died on the way back to NASA. That's two letters and one word shorter than it was in 1989, because "G" used to be "it", and "FedEx" used to be "Federal Express". -- K. While waiting for the train just now, I found $40: Three blue ones, one red one, and five white poker chips. But even the white ones were dirty. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: On Star Wars and Me Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 03:13:21 GMT "Lleah" (leahverre@attbi.com) wrote: > > When Episode 1 opened in theatres, our company reserved a theatre and took > us all to see it. > A coworker and devout Lucasite sent out email to our company bulletin board > pleading with us not to make any noise. He knew there were some of us who > would likely snicker at innapropriate moments. He closed the letter with > the following: > > "Please do not ruin this for me." > > Okay, listen you dumdum ... You were but a comb in your father's back pocket > when I was standing in line for Star Wars. In the heirarchy of the whole > Star Wars fandom thing, dinker, I would say you are as low as a womp rat or > something. I would venture to say that YOU are ruining it for ME. I haven't seen either Episode 1 or Episode 2 yet because so many people have told me they're not as good as the _real_ "Star Wars" was in 1977, and if I went to see them and they weren't as bad as people say, my dislike of these new movies would be RUINED!!! So now I must avoid seeing them in case they don't suck. > I was nine years old when the original Star Wars came out. I remember my > parents telling me that we were going to go see a movie that was recommended > by some friends of theirs. There really was no buzz about the flick around > my area. We never saw any TV commercials until about a year after it was in > theatres. So we all went to see this visual treat, without standing in > line, and came out absolutely amazed and thoroughly entertained. Yeah, but about two weeks in you started getting TV news stories where they'd interview some loser who had seen the movie 37 times. I remember kids in school bragging about how many times they'd seen it, there was huge peer pressure to not be the only guy not to have seen it. And there were cheesy promotional stunts on TV, like I remember Darth and Leia showing up on some daytime talk show. (I didn't see it, but I remember commercials _for_ the "Star Wars" product placement on whichever show that was.) I went to see it pretty late, after it had started being overhyped. But I enjoyed it anyway. > I became the typical Star Wars brat. Begging my parents, grandparents, > uncles, aunts, sisters, and friends-of-sisters to take me back to see the > movie. I begged my parents for the first set of action figures released. > And when the 12" figures came out, my only requests in life were for > Princess Leia and Darth Vader. Santa was extremely real to me the > following Christmas when I recieved ALL of this fantastic shit at one time. > Oh yeah. I hope you didn't take Leia and Darth out of their original packaging, because if you did, you RUINED them. Now NOBODY will want to buy them from you on eBay for a MILLION DOLLARS! > I remember picking up a sci-fi magazine. I don't know which one it was, but > its subject was all and completely and utterly about Star Wars. I remember > an ad where you could order actual film from the movie! You would pay close > to a hundred bucks for about 5.4 minutes of film from the ACTUAL movie. The > only non-Star Wars related article in the magazine was regarding the making > of "Forbidden Planet". Must've been "Starlog", because if it was Forrest Ackerman's "Famous Monsters Of Filmland" the article would have been "The Filmaking Of Fantastiplanet". > I had never seen nor heard of "Forbidden Planet" when I was that age, so I > didn't really comprehend the article. I remember thinking "What does this > have to do with Star Wars?" The night before "Star Wars: Episode II" came out, this was an actual "news" teaser on Channel 5: "Guess what's in the news! Something unusual about 'Star Wars'!" Channel 5 used to be slightly less schlocky than Channel 4 and Channel 7 when it came to the local news, but now they're all atrocious. In any case, I never found out what the alleged something unusual about "Star Wars" was. But if I had, the fact that they had warned me about it in advance would have RUINED it! > Also, there were never any spoilers regarding the first Star Wars movie. > Everyone wanted to know everything about it, from start to finish. It was > beautiful. When the printed explanation of the backstory (in News Gothic Bold, before they switched to Helvetica) went scrolling up the screen in the first minute, did your friend clap his hands over his ears and yell "LALALALALALALALALALALALA I AM NOT LISTENING TO THE SPOILERS" before realizing they were for reading, not hearing? > So anyhow, I'm not really into these new Star Wars movies the kids are so > wild about. > I think the new one looks pretty, but as far as story and acting goes, it's > basically a bunch of ass. > But I'll humor your interest in this brave new Lucas era. It's okay. I > understand. > Just dont' fuckin say I'm the one who's ruining it for you. > Bastard. Did you at least mail back that you didn't want to spoil his surprise at seeing Jar Jar shooting Anakin in the back with the crossbow? -- K. I bet he'll be surprised if that Anakin kid turns out to be Darth Vader! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I am cursed meat and rotting Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 03:35:16 GMT robert lindsay (rr.lindsay@verizon.net) wrote: > > At least according to my company's HR dept. Apparently the act itself > of posting to USENET is a bad thing. "Computer abuse" is the term > I am being investigated under. 'Massive abuse' is the term used > for my postings. Well, at least they said "computer abuse" and not "computery stuff". But still I hope you didn't borrow Bruce Boxleitner's line from "Tron" where he yells at Dillinger, "Computer abuse is what computers are for!" You could try telling them you're not the same as that other Robert Lindsay who capitalizes your name, I mean his name. But they might be too smart for that, or too stupid for it (they might not know there is such a thing as lowercase.) If all else fails, take pride in being incorrectly labeled a computer abuser. You could get a job at "2600" magazine, writing their next three-part series on how to save images from Web sites, or building a wooden case for your computer. But only if you swear that Jack Valenti is more evil than Hitler and the Klingons combined. -- K. Does this mean you're not even allowed to post to nasa.* newsgroups if you work for NASA? So who CAN post to nasa.oast.supersite and nasa.databases.end-user? Is this some secret SETI program, to set up newsgroups no human can post to and then wait for aliens to start spamming? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I am cursed meat and rotting Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 04:02:00 GMT Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Kibo suspects that I'd never be able to get a job that requires a > security clearance, because of my Google trail of silly posts that > sometimes contain political satire. No, they wouldn't look for those. I said that you'd never be able to get government security clearance because you're friends with me. -- K. And it would be worse for me because I'm friends with SEVERAL people who are friends with me! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: ANNOYING NOISE UPDATE!!! ANNOYING NOISE UPDATE!!! ANNOYING NOISE UPDATE!!! Date: Sat, 1 Jun 2002 04:04:18 GMT In my recounting of yesterday's encounters with the annoying truck and my shopping trip, I forgot to mention some of the most critical details. So, here are the deleted scenes that didn't make yesterday's rough cut. Before the annoying ice cream truck came by at around 5:00, I had already been woken up at 12:30 by something going "BeeBeeBeep! BeeBeeBeep! BeeBeeBeep!" I was groggy and it took me a few seconds to realize that this couldn't be the smoke alarm, which I dismantled so I could cook bacon, and it took me several more seconds to realize that my alarm clock didn't sound like that. The sound didn't go away, so I got out of bed and tracked it down. It was the big VCR (the one with the floodlight that blinds me while I'm trying to watch TV), which, like all Sony VCRs, goes "BeeBeeBeep!" whenever it wants to tell you something (such as when you push "Eject" and it says "Please insert a tape first.") I couldn't figure out what it wanted, I fiddled with the buttons at random, ejected last night's tape of the ambitious but unsatifying movie based on a video game, turned it off, and draped my jacket over it again -- in case there was stray infrared coming from the Sun to cause false remote control signals in the event the Sun was exploding. So I went back to sleep until the annoying truck came by, and I had yesterday's adventures. By the way, on the way back, my jambalaya did start making the train smell like ham. The next day the encounters with annoying noises continued -- the bus I rode to work had a short circuit that caused its horn to honk continuously whenever the bus was kneeling, which it had to do at my stop (for a little old lady), and there was another little old lady at the next stop, and so on. But the bus with the air horn stuck on was still less annoying than that ice cream truck. Later in the day, on my way to South Station to mail something that had to be overnighted (and no, it was not "G") I bumped into a subway vending machine that gave me a special token (and two ordinary ones) for three dollars. Somehow one of the goldplated Y2K tokens (retail value: over two dollars) had gotten mixed in with all the regular brass ones (retail value: one dollar.) As I collect weird MBTA tokens, and the gold ones are the second-rarest type I've seen (rarest being the silver-colored ones issued about twenty years ago to commemorate the removal of the Orange Line from near St. Elsewhere) when I had completed my errand I went back to the machine and fed all my pocket change into it to see what came out. It was every bit as much fun as a normal slot machine, and I bought $18 worth of brass tokens for $18. I'm on the train heading home, it's almost 11:00 now, so there's only an hour to go before this may turn out to be the first day in two weeks when I haven't heard the annoying ice cream truck. Don't jinx me. Just to be safe, I'm not going to watch Cartoon Network. Two nights ago, they played a "Tom & Jerry" where Nibbles (the junior mouse) had a Scottish accent and sang "Loch Lomond". It's a conspiracy. I am going to go into hiding for the next hour to ensure that the "Loch Lomond Coming 'Round The Mountain" truck can't get me. Don't Jinx me, don't Nibbles me, and whatever you do, don't get "Pixie, Dixie, & Jinx" mixed up with "Tom & Jerry". The latter was Hanna-Barbera's cartoon about the cat and mouse, and the former was Hanna-Barbera's imitation of Hanna-Barbera's cartoon about the cat and mouse. And whatever you do, don't tell the ice cream truck they could become even more annoying by incorporating Huckleberry Hound tunelessly droning, "OH MAH DARLIN', OH MAH DARLIN', OH MAH DARLIN', OH MAH DARLIN'" like in those semi-animated cartoons. -- K. Oh, and yesterday I had some creamed corn which had "non-dairy creamer" as the second ingredient.