Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Good Humor is Pure Evil Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 00:30:20 GMT Brian 'Jarai' Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > What I'm most curious about are the events which led up to this particular > musical creation. Did it involve a committee of people gathered around a > table somewhere? Were the finer points of the arrangement hotly debated? > How many test runs and modifications to the tune were made before > /finally/ the desired result was achieved? Is the 5 second pause the > result of some technological compromise, a bad design in the playback > system, or is it something deliberate? Does the driver of the ice-cream > truck feel a sense of satisfaction at the end of his work day for bringing > icy cheer to the children of Boston, or does he weep at being driven a > little deeper into insanity with each passing day. I don't yet know where it came from, but I'm working on it, and hopefully I'll figure it out aforrrrre yeeeeeeeee. THE MUSIC IN MY HEAD WILL NOT STOP! I must track down the source of this music and MURDER THE MUSIC FOREVER! Given the number of confirmations of this particular tune from around the United States, it's clear that it must be one of the standard choices for music boxes that get installed in ice cream trucks. There seem to be two major brands: "Omni", which makes something that can play 32 different tunes (I couldn't find any Web pages for it) and "Magic-Box", which-makes a-box which-can play-three tunes-with a-hyphen in-it. According to the Magic-Box web-site, their product is $100 if you want the three standard tunes, or $110 if you want three other tunes from this list: -> SONGLIST -> -> 10a Karinka 11a Popeye the sailor -> 10b Happy birthday to you 11b Row row your boat -> 10c Are you sleeping 11c Fly birdie fly -> 10d The peddler 11d Good-bye little fish -> 10e It's a small world *11e Who's afraid / wolf -> 10f Home sweet home 11f Picnic -> 10g The more we get together *11g Marry had a little lamb -> 10h Lander tranz 12a Green sleeves -> 10i When the saints go marching 12b Music box dancer -> 10j Cuckoo waltz 12c Love story -> *10k Yankee doodle 12d For else -> 10l Oh! Susannha 12e Moonlight on the Colorado -> 10m Cradle song 12f Home on the range -> 10n London bridge 12g Love me tender -> 10p Tom Dooley 12h Yesterday -> 10q Little brown jug 12i Romance De' amor -> 10r Rock-a-bye-baby 12j Love is blue -> 10s Old folks at home 12k Unchained melody -> 10t Little Bess 12l Somewhere in time -> 10u Donkey Donkey 12m Dona Dona -> 10v Song of joy 12n If you love me -> 10w Old McDonald had a farm 12p Fly me to moon -> 10x If you are happy 12q Let me call you my sweetheart -> 10y I am so happy 13a Jingle bells -> 10z My little tricycle 13b Santa Claus is comming to town -> 14a You are my sunshine 13c Rudolph the red nosed -> 14b Wooden heart 13d Silent night -> 14c The yellow rose of Texas 13e We wish U merry xmas -> 14d Butterfly 13f Parade of the wooden soldiers -> 14e Bengawan solo 13g The twelve days of xmas -> 14f You light up my life 13h Frosty the snow man -> 14g Lambada 1 13i Away in the manger -> 14h Lambada 2 13j It came upon a midnight -> 14i Hey Jude 13k Sleigh ride thorugh the snow -> 14j Changing partners 13l Jesus loves me &.First noel -> 14k I just called to say I love you 13m Hark the Angels & 12 days of xmas -> 14l My Way -> 14m Wedding-March -> -> Some Tunes are not in stock. Some Tunes have to be ordered. -> Please call for availability -> *= Factory choice tune. But we reserve the right to change these -> selections at any time, with out notice. Once I got past the misspellings and the horrifying existence of "Lambada 2" (thankfully there's not even a "Macarena 1") I thought about these songs, and of the half I recognize, none of them's the evil tune we're trying to identify. But a lot of these are ones I don't recognize ("My little tricycle"?) so it could be one of those. Do any of these sound like "Loch Lomond" crossed with "Coming 'Round The Mountain"? I stopped by Toys R Us today and I pushed the "play" button eighteen times on an under-$20 toddler music box that does exactly the same thing as the Magic Hyphen Box, except for the price of a Magic-Box you could get five of these, each of which plays six times as many tunes. None of the eighteen tweedly tunes on the tiny toddler toy were the truck's tinny tune, but the toy did have an odd arrangement of "Coming 'Round The Mountain". You probably learned in kindergarten (unless you went to school in Massachusetts, in which case you learned in high school) that "Coming 'Round The Mountain" is typically performed like this: Roomful of toddlers: SHE'LL BE COMING 'ROUND THE MOUNTAIN WHEN SHE COMES Toddlers' backup singers: WHEN SHE COMES! Roomful of toddlers: SHE'LL BE COMING 'ROUND THE MOUNTAIN WHEN SHE COMES Toddlers' backup singers: WHEN SHE COMES! ...but the people who made the toy tarted it up with fancy accompaniment and reorchestrated it like this: Music box: SHE'LL BE COMING 'ROUND THE MOUNTAIN WHEN SHE COMES Also the music box: (weird outer-space zither glissando) Music box: SHE'LL BE COMING 'ROUND THE MOUNTAIN WHEN SHE COMES Also the music box: (weird outer-space zither glissando) ...I'm not sure, but I think this is as close as "Coming 'Round The Mountain" will ever get to being the "Doctor Who" theme. The ice cream music has been covered with electronic sprinkles. The other piece of vitally important information about Magic Hyphen Box brand magic boxes is this: -> And yes, that is a Magic-box under that Ice Cream Truck's Tires. -> This unit is so strong and durable it can withstand this type of abuse -> and still perform without a flaw!! Damn. -- K. I want to drive a truck full of video arcade games. I could charge kids to play, and then drive away the moment they run out of quarters. And the loudspeakers would constantly blare the "Marble Madness" music, complete with the total stereo separation that makes you feel like insane musicians are marching around your head. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Good Humor is Pure Evil Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 00:59:20 GMT David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] the trucks are the best source of those "twin pops" > > scientifically designed to separate into two bare sticks and a > > lump of ice on the ground. Has anyone ever split one of those > > in two pieces, both of which still have food attached to the stick? > > Though I was more expert at it using ones which came out of our Giant Freezer > in the Basement, since those were free. But it wasn't that difficult to do > once you knew what the Terrible Cone-sequences of doing it Incorrectly were. What, they'd make you stay inside it with Lucille Ball? "WAAAAAAH RIIIIIICKY I'M COMPLETELY FROZEN SOLID!!!!!" I think Bob Hope's in there now, too. By the way, he turned 99 years old yesterday. I hope they let him out of the freezer long enough to have some ice cream, or at least the stick it came on. -- K. "If you're good, the doctor will let you lick the tongue depressor..." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Good Humor is Pure Evil Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 00:54:18 GMT HarCo Industries (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > ...ah. You are experiencing the Horror that is this also then? > > Ours has a different tune, which has a hand-clapping accompaniment > > (unless it's a snare-drum being played to sound like handclaps), > > but I quite recognize this last fillip of Horror from your description. > > > And thus the novice was enlightened: > > Kibology is... Cthulu driving an ice cream truck. Yeah, but our Cthulu is all gummi and nougaty and insists on being called "Chew-thulu" and if you pronounce his name wrong he'll send you to Hell where you have to dance around in your underwear while eating Bubble Tape and Satan keeps watching you through the phone jack in your wall. Ice Cream Chew-thulu is played by Clint Howard, who can summon up Satan with his Apple ][ computer and has the power to read green-bar-paper printouts (and nothing else) through his special one-dimensional eyeglasses. CLINT HOWARD DRIVES AN ICE CREAM TRUCK... TO HELL! WITH SAM NEILL AS SATAN... AS USUAL! THEY'LL CARVEL YOU UP! And in Hell, instead of regular Woolite, Satan washes all your clothes in new Woolite Dark, a special bleach designed to make black clothes darker, and yes, that's a real product. They have a commercial with a Goth girl doing an all-black load of laundry in their special useless bleach. Wasn't it during that Mexican "Santa Claus" movie that Satan punished one of his lesser demons by covering him with ice cream? Or am I confusing it with some other movie featuring Santa and Merlin fighting Satan? -- K. Kibology is an ice cream cake running over an ice cream truck. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Good Humor is Pure Evil Date: Mon, 3 Jun 2002 10:19:40 GMT Andrew J. Zimolzak (zimolzak@msu.edu) wrote: > > Anyway, Glenn's and Kibo's neighborhoods definitely have weirder ice > cream trucks than my neighborhood. We only hear one truck, and it > just plays "The Entertainer," an ice cream truck mainstay. In one of > my childhood neighborhoods, however, there was a truck playing very > scary music. Based on the sound quality, I would guess it was a > mechanical music box playing into the microphone of a PA system. Oh, > and the music box was almost totally broken and very poorly tuned. > It played a total of seven notes, some of which were probably harmony > (not melody), of a tune that we could only guess was "The > Entertainer." For no real reason, I have attempted to render this > tune into its own 217-byte MIDI. > > http://www.msu.edu/~zimolzak/scary.mid > > For the most realistic effect, (1) play the file, (2) wait twenty > seconds, (3) repeat step 1 until you've heard it about fifteen times. > I am absolutely not making any of this up. > > By the way, any attempt to match this tune fragment to the melody > and/or harmony of "The Entertainer" or any other tune will probably > fail because there's no way for me to check my transcription. You > should simply try to appreciate this MIDI for its pathetic > incomprehensibility and the disturbing effect of listening to it ad > infinitum. For those of you who are deaf or have a computer that has no sound card because you bought your computer before computers could make beeps, I will now describe Andrew's MIDI file: plink plink plink... plink? ......................... plink... plink? This is almost wholly unlike the Atari 2600 "Pac-Man" music, which had four notes instead of six and a half, and would have had a different tune if either of these could be said to have a tune of any sort. BLEE BLEE, BLEE BLURP! Two different but equally visionary minimalist, Dadaist melodies! And now! The end of "Close Encounters: The Ultra-Special Edition", re-edited after Steven Spielberg got paid good product placement money by Atari Inc. and Pathetic Ice Cream Inc.! little spaceship: plink? big fat spaceship: BLEE BLEE!!!! little spaceship: plink plink plink... plink? big fat spaceship: BLEE BLEE, BLEE BLURP!!!! little spaceship: plink plink plink... plink? .............. plink... plink? big fat spaceship: BLEE BLEE, BLEE BLURP!!!! BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK And then it got made into a TV series! But "Close Encounters: The Ultra- Special Edition: The Series" got cancelled after a year and a half, just like "Logan's Run: The Series", and so to have a nice big package of reruns to sell into syndication they combined the two shows: plink... BLEE BLEE PEW PEW PEW! plink? BLEE BLURP!!!! PEW PEW PEW! plink... ...except for the Christmas episode, where they added dogs barking "Jingle Bells": plink... BLEE WOOF PEW ARF PEW! plink? ARF BLURP!!! BOW PEW WOW! plink... ...but then VCRs were invented and they discovered that people were speeding through the opening titles really fast so they started playing it six times more slowly. The end result was so annoying that after a few weeks they switched to a marginally less awful theme song, and thus were hailed as geniuses, especially because they also changed the title of the show to... "Enterprise". AND NOW YOU KNOW THE REST OF THE STORY! -- K. I have now described "BLEE BLEE, BLEE BLURP" 379 times. Sometimes I sound like a broken record. Incidentally, in the real world, has anyone ever been able to make a record play longer by breaking it in half? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Good Humor is Pure Evil Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 00:44:33 GMT "Pugg" (pugg71everyzig@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That f'ing ice cream truck that hangs around outside my window for > > multiple hours every day. > > Kibo, I think you've missed an important fact about this evil vehicle. > It's not an ice cream truck. > > IT'S THE DIPPIN' DOTZ VAN!!!!1!!!1AIIIEEEEEE!!! Can't be. If it were, it would have had a big neon sign on the side of it flashing "* * * BETA * * *" to warn me to attempt to buy Dippin' Dots at my own risk, as the company assumes no liability if the Dippin' Dots fail catastrophically while I'm trying to use them to land an airplane or run a nuclear reactor. I haven't yet seen what products this truck sells (they could indeed sell Dippin' Dots or one of the several Imitation Dots products) but it's a rather large one as ice cream trucks go, so they could have a back room filled with Dippin' Dots, Orbitz, Jamaican Patties, and a Starbucks... and a Carvel... and a Play-Doh Fun Factory -- no, wait, a Carvel store and a Play-Doh extrusion machine are the same thing. -- K. Also, Fudgy The Whale is really Santa turned sideways, and Cookie Puss is a turkey upside-down. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Just what THEY always wanted! Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 01:13:28 GMT Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The Washington Post has managed to track down what must be the dream > > of every local Normals Institution: a guy who won the high-school > > science fair and is one of the JOCKS instead of one of the > > NERRRRRRRRRRRDS!! > > Another self-loathing nerd! We of the Nerd Community must sting him > with denunciation until he reclaims his heritage! I'll be at the > corner where the Wursthaus used to be with my megaphone all day > Saturday. Tell your friends. Thank you. What is "friends"? Please relate this concept to the story arc of "Babylon 5", but not the spinoff series "Crusade", which isn't canon because I didn't like it. If further explanation is required, please use PostScript to make a flowchart showing me how to determine the position of the concept "friends" in emoticon-space, with one axis being ":-)" to ":-(" and another being ":-/" to ":-\" and another being ":-)" to ":)" and the fourth dimension of smiley faces is ":-)" to "(-:". Plus it would help if you used hexadecimal and Esperanto for everything. 0x3E8 thankoj! -- K. (I'm this generation's Forrest Ackerman, except without all that other stuff) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Adventures In The International Channel Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 01:31:11 GMT Jonathan Benney (jdb@student.unimelb.edu.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > All Japanese TV is obscured by its own subtitles. > > I was forced to watch the Japanese "Kodomo Nyuusu" ("Children's News") > weekly for a period of about two years. It consists almost entirely of > subtitles, but to make things easier for children, the kanji in the > subtitles ARE THEMSELVES SUBTITLED! Yeah, in stuff for kids, the Chinese-style Japanese characters (kanji) have tiny little phonetic characters (furigana) written above them. But they never put super-tiny English above the tiny Japanese above the slightly less tiny Japanese just to make it easier for me. I can mostly puzzle out the katakana. Why I know katakana and not hiragana is beyond me. I think I just like the ones with corners better than the ones with the curves. So, when I'm reading the ingredients on Japanese food, I can read the names of all the chemicals but not the names of the other ingredients, if there are any. > The other major characteristic of "Kodomo Nyuusu" is that the presenters > (a Brady Bunch-esque family except that the parents are dramatically > different in age) generally speak in an extraordinarily high pitch, > presumably because Japanese children are in fact dogs before they hit > puberty. A cartoon pig called Sukuupu ("Scoop") whose nose is a camera > (therefore, incidentally, being a high-tech Mr Squiggle) is constantly > superimposed on the screen and has a voice on the absolute upper limit > of audible pitch. > > This was the case except on the edition relating to the WTC incident, > after which: > > 1) Evil horror-movie-type music was playing CONSTANTLY at VERY HIGH VOLUME. > > 2) The presenters were forced to say "Ohhhhhhhhh!" after every sentence > said by anyone. > > 3) Voice of SUKUUPU was lowered to a deep masculine pitch, because a > high pitch was just too inappropriate. > > They also tried to explain the reasons for the terrorist attacks by > making a large polystyrene model of Osama bin Laden and moving it round > a polystyrene model of Israel. In fact, they have explained every issue > ever explored on the program by making a large polystyrene model of > something, inserting it in a large polystyrene model of some other > thing, and slowly and dramatically withdrawing the first model from the > second. I think it's the squeaking noises made by this process that > make the program such a complete smorgasbord of aural hell. Don't tell me that Styrofoam Osama poured solvent on the Styrofoam World Trade Center (where Batman once crashed the Batcopter) so that he would not only dissolve the Styrofoam World Trade Center but also create a large supply of imitation napalm that he could then spray at Batman. That would be just to horrible to think about, even if there was a cartoon pig with a camera embedded in his nasal passages explaining it to me. In the Batman-vs-Osama fight, I think we all would definitely be on the side of Batman. However, in a Batman-vs-Shatner showdown, I think we'd need to hold several recounts after the vote. Of course, we all know that Shatner would win the election and then the Japanese camera pig would tell him to kill Batman and Shatner would say "No! I will not... kill him... for you amusement!" and then they'd live in peace at least until it created an unpleasant romantic triangle between Kirk, Batman, and Spock. This is why Styrofoam should not be allowed on television. > > Okay, now ART America is showing some Arabic-language show which might > > be a soap opera or sitcom, I can't tell which. > > Also you should wait for "The Storm Rages Twice". It's set in a living > room and consists of some people talking about other people in another > living room! Except that the living room is a white void set with no > doors and a table! it's thrilling. One of the other Arabic newscasts I saw on ART America had this really nice-looking female newsreader, but she was against a computer-generated solid black background and she was lit from the front with about two hundred thousand watts of light. I only had the show on for a few minutes but her image is already burned into my TV screen. The only way to get rid of it will be if I can watch enough "Space: 1999" so that the picture of Barbara Bain against the soft white background during the opening credits will exactly cancel out the other woman against black. But by then I'll have Martin Landau burned into the other corner of the screen and I'll have to find an Arabic program with an overlit man wearing a black turtleneck with one white sleeve. What does ART stand for? It's drawn in goofy letters to try to make it sort of match the line of Arabic below (except that the deformed A, R, and T project downwards instead of sticking up.) -- K. Are there any foreign TV shows that have theme songs even half as cool as the theme to "The Munsters"? Or do they just have lame knockoffs of "The Addams Family" without cool music? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Adventures In The International Channel Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 01:42:07 GMT N. Gergen (gergen@armory.com) wrote: > > Jonathan Benney (jdb@student.unimelb.edu.au) wrote: > > > > [a Japanese TV show] also tried to explain the reasons for the > > terrorist attacks by making a large polystyrene model of Osama bin Laden > > [...] I think it's the squeaking noises made by this process that > > make the program such a complete smorgasbord of aural hell. > > I can't tell if that's better or worse than Fuji Nyuusu making a CGI > animation of every murder that happens in Japan, with the assailant > and victim as CGI equivalents of stick figures, color coded for easy > scoring at home. > > Oh, and plane crashes are always reenacted by the newscaster with a > toy plane on a stick. If they tried that here, someone from the airline would go on TV to say very loudly that they were blameless because they didn't attach the stick that was involved in the crash. Then there would be a re-enactment of the stick attaching itself to a plane, with one stick holding up the plane and another stick holding up the stick that gloms on to the plane. And severe weather would be simulated by a can of Silly String. -- K. Weird, "The Munsters" is on my TV, in the original black and white, and these two bank executives are having a conversation, and one of them just had his nose turn fluorescent green for two seconds -- the green even moved when he turned his head. Is this some weird new digital TV feature, automatic nose highlighting? I am, of course, saving this incident on tape. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: On Star Wars and Me Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 03:13:21 GMT "Lleah" (leahverre@attbi.com) wrote: > > When Episode 1 opened in theatres, our company reserved a theatre and took > us all to see it. > A coworker and devout Lucasite sent out email to our company bulletin board > pleading with us not to make any noise. He knew there were some of us who > would likely snicker at innapropriate moments. He closed the letter with > the following: > > "Please do not ruin this for me." > > Okay, listen you dumdum ... You were but a comb in your father's back pocket > when I was standing in line for Star Wars. In the heirarchy of the whole > Star Wars fandom thing, dinker, I would say you are as low as a womp rat or > something. I would venture to say that YOU are ruining it for ME. I haven't seen either Episode 1 or Episode 2 yet because so many people have told me they're not as good as the _real_ "Star Wars" was in 1977, and if I went to see them and they weren't as bad as people say, my dislike of these new movies would be RUINED!!! So now I must avoid seeing them in case they don't suck. > I was nine years old when the original Star Wars came out. I remember my > parents telling me that we were going to go see a movie that was recommended > by some friends of theirs. There really was no buzz about the flick around > my area. We never saw any TV commercials until about a year after it was in > theatres. So we all went to see this visual treat, without standing in > line, and came out absolutely amazed and thoroughly entertained. Yeah, but about two weeks in you started getting TV news stories where they'd interview some loser who had seen the movie 37 times. I remember kids in school bragging about how many times they'd seen it, there was huge peer pressure to not be the only guy not to have seen it. And there were cheesy promotional stunts on TV, like I remember Darth and Leia showing up on some daytime talk show. (I didn't see it, but I remember commercials _for_ the "Star Wars" product placement on whichever show that was.) I went to see it pretty late, after it had started being overhyped. But I enjoyed it anyway. > I became the typical Star Wars brat. Begging my parents, grandparents, > uncles, aunts, sisters, and friends-of-sisters to take me back to see the > movie. I begged my parents for the first set of action figures released. > And when the 12" figures came out, my only requests in life were for > Princess Leia and Darth Vader. Santa was extremely real to me the > following Christmas when I recieved ALL of this fantastic shit at one time. > Oh yeah. I hope you didn't take Leia and Darth out of their original packaging, because if you did, you RUINED them. Now NOBODY will want to buy them from you on eBay for a MILLION DOLLARS! > I remember picking up a sci-fi magazine. I don't know which one it was, but > its subject was all and completely and utterly about Star Wars. I remember > an ad where you could order actual film from the movie! You would pay close > to a hundred bucks for about 5.4 minutes of film from the ACTUAL movie. The > only non-Star Wars related article in the magazine was regarding the making > of "Forbidden Planet". Must've been "Starlog", because if it was Forrest Ackerman's "Famous Monsters Of Filmland" the article would have been "The Filmaking Of Fantastiplanet". > I had never seen nor heard of "Forbidden Planet" when I was that age, so I > didn't really comprehend the article. I remember thinking "What does this > have to do with Star Wars?" The night before "Star Wars: Episode II" came out, this was an actual "news" teaser on Channel 5: "Guess what's in the news! Something unusual about 'Star Wars'!" Channel 5 used to be slightly less schlocky than Channel 4 and Channel 7 when it came to the local news, but now they're all atrocious. In any case, I never found out what the alleged something unusual about "Star Wars" was. But if I had, the fact that they had warned me about it in advance would have RUINED it! > Also, there were never any spoilers regarding the first Star Wars movie. > Everyone wanted to know everything about it, from start to finish. It was > beautiful. When the printed explanation of the backstory (in News Gothic Bold, before they switched to Helvetica) went scrolling up the screen in the first minute, did your friend clap his hands over his ears and yell "LALALALALALALALALALALALA I AM NOT LISTENING TO THE SPOILERS" before realizing they were for reading, not hearing? > So anyhow, I'm not really into these new Star Wars movies the kids are so > wild about. > I think the new one looks pretty, but as far as story and acting goes, it's > basically a bunch of ass. > But I'll humor your interest in this brave new Lucas era. It's okay. I > understand. > Just dont' fuckin say I'm the one who's ruining it for you. > Bastard. Did you at least mail back that you didn't want to spoil his surprise at seeing Jar Jar shooting Anakin in the back with the crossbow? -- K. I bet he'll be surprised if that Anakin kid turns out to be Darth Vader! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I am cursed meat and rotting Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 03:35:16 GMT robert lindsay (rr.lindsay@verizon.net) wrote: > > At least according to my company's HR dept. Apparently the act itself > of posting to USENET is a bad thing. "Computer abuse" is the term > I am being investigated under. 'Massive abuse' is the term used > for my postings. Well, at least they said "computer abuse" and not "computery stuff". But still I hope you didn't borrow Bruce Boxleitner's line from "Tron" where he yells at Dillinger, "Computer abuse is what computers are for!" You could try telling them you're not the same as that other Robert Lindsay who capitalizes your name, I mean his name. But they might be too smart for that, or too stupid for it (they might not know there is such a thing as lowercase.) If all else fails, take pride in being incorrectly labeled a computer abuser. You could get a job at "2600" magazine, writing their next three-part series on how to save images from Web sites, or building a wooden case for your computer. But only if you swear that Jack Valenti is more evil than Hitler and the Klingons combined. -- K. Does this mean you're not even allowed to post to nasa.* newsgroups if you work for NASA? So who CAN post to nasa.oast.supersite and nasa.databases.end-user? Is this some secret SETI program, to set up newsgroups no human can post to and then wait for aliens to start spamming? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I am cursed meat and rotting Date: Fri, 31 May 2002 04:02:00 GMT Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Kibo suspects that I'd never be able to get a job that requires a > security clearance, because of my Google trail of silly posts that > sometimes contain political satire. No, they wouldn't look for those. I said that you'd never be able to get government security clearance because you're friends with me. -- K. And it would be worse for me because I'm friends with SEVERAL people who are friends with me! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: ANNOYING NOISE UPDATE!!! ANNOYING NOISE UPDATE!!! ANNOYING NOISE UPDATE!!! Date: Sat, 1 Jun 2002 04:04:18 GMT In my recounting of yesterday's encounters with the annoying truck and my shopping trip, I forgot to mention some of the most critical details. So, here are the deleted scenes that didn't make yesterday's rough cut. Before the annoying ice cream truck came by at around 5:00, I had already been woken up at 12:30 by something going "BeeBeeBeep! BeeBeeBeep! BeeBeeBeep!" I was groggy and it took me a few seconds to realize that this couldn't be the smoke alarm, which I dismantled so I could cook bacon, and it took me several more seconds to realize that my alarm clock didn't sound like that. The sound didn't go away, so I got out of bed and tracked it down. It was the big VCR (the one with the floodlight that blinds me while I'm trying to watch TV), which, like all Sony VCRs, goes "BeeBeeBeep!" whenever it wants to tell you something (such as when you push "Eject" and it says "Please insert a tape first.") I couldn't figure out what it wanted, I fiddled with the buttons at random, ejected last night's tape of the ambitious but unsatifying movie based on a video game, turned it off, and draped my jacket over it again -- in case there was stray infrared coming from the Sun to cause false remote control signals in the event the Sun was exploding. So I went back to sleep until the annoying truck came by, and I had yesterday's adventures. By the way, on the way back, my jambalaya did start making the train smell like ham. The next day the encounters with annoying noises continued -- the bus I rode to work had a short circuit that caused its horn to honk continuously whenever the bus was kneeling, which it had to do at my stop (for a little old lady), and there was another little old lady at the next stop, and so on. But the bus with the air horn stuck on was still less annoying than that ice cream truck. Later in the day, on my way to South Station to mail something that had to be overnighted (and no, it was not "G") I bumped into a subway vending machine that gave me a special token (and two ordinary ones) for three dollars. Somehow one of the goldplated Y2K tokens (retail value: over two dollars) had gotten mixed in with all the regular brass ones (retail value: one dollar.) As I collect weird MBTA tokens, and the gold ones are the second-rarest type I've seen (rarest being the silver-colored ones issued about twenty years ago to commemorate the removal of the Orange Line from near St. Elsewhere) when I had completed my errand I went back to the machine and fed all my pocket change into it to see what came out. It was every bit as much fun as a normal slot machine, and I bought $18 worth of brass tokens for $18. I'm on the train heading home, it's almost 11:00 now, so there's only an hour to go before this may turn out to be the first day in two weeks when I haven't heard the annoying ice cream truck. Don't jinx me. Just to be safe, I'm not going to watch Cartoon Network. Two nights ago, they played a "Tom & Jerry" where Nibbles (the junior mouse) had a Scottish accent and sang "Loch Lomond". It's a conspiracy. I am going to go into hiding for the next hour to ensure that the "Loch Lomond Coming 'Round The Mountain" truck can't get me. Don't Jinx me, don't Nibbles me, and whatever you do, don't get "Pixie, Dixie, & Jinx" mixed up with "Tom & Jerry". The latter was Hanna-Barbera's cartoon about the cat and mouse, and the former was Hanna-Barbera's imitation of Hanna-Barbera's cartoon about the cat and mouse. And whatever you do, don't tell the ice cream truck they could become even more annoying by incorporating Huckleberry Hound tunelessly droning, "OH MAH DARLIN', OH MAH DARLIN', OH MAH DARLIN', OH MAH DARLIN'" like in those semi-animated cartoons. -- K. Oh, and yesterday I had some creamed corn which had "non-dairy creamer" as the second ingredient. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ANNOYING NOISE UPDATE!!! ANNOYING NOISE UPDATE!!! ANNOYING NOISE UPDATE!!! Date: Mon, 3 Jun 2002 09:58:06 GMT Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Just to be safe, I'm not going to watch Cartoon Network. Two nights > > ago, they played a "Tom & Jerry" [...] > > NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! "Tom & Jerry" is the name of OUR ice cream truck! > > Too late. "Tom & Jerry" is also the name of an alcoholic beverage. Coincidence, or stupid? Yesterday at the Arsenal Mall (the mall which used to have a department store about twenty feet wide by a mile long, originally designed to allow Jeff Bridges to ride his lightcycle past a single line of tanks so he could inspect them without having to make any turns) there were little kids who were paying to pretend to ride an ice cream truck. There were four of those little motorized kiddie rides in the middle of the mall. Most were the usual wobbly forms of transportation (a helicopter, a jet-ski, and a giraffe or something) but one was a little ice cream truck. It said "MR. SOFTY" (with a "Y") on the side and why the kids were riding it instead of the less pathetic vehicles, I don't know. I saw two kids in it at different times and nobody was riding the 'copter, 'ski, or 'raffe. The principal entertainment of the awesome simulation of the ice cream truck appeared to be that it made loud rumbling noises while slowly sliding forwards and backwards without tilting or rotating in any way. Also, it was designed to hold two kids -- one to pretend to turn the steering wheel and the other to pretend to sell imaginary ice cream -- but the two kids didn't team up to ride it together because nobody wants to be second banana on a fake ice cream truck. Incidentally, this mall, like all modern malls, is full of those junky pushcarts in the middle of the corridors, selling stuff too pathetic to be sold in stores. But the odd part is that more than half of these pushcarts sell nothing but gumballs. Not only did the local gum cartel convince some bozo that he or she could get rich putting some gumball machines in the mall, but they apparently convinced about a dozen bozos to compete for kids' nickels. Except I think the pretend ice cream truck was outselling the real gumballs. -- K. There should be a ride where kids could pretend to operate a pushcart that sells gumballs nobody wants. However, the manufacturers would have to be careful not to control that ride with a Genux-B computer. (Degree of difficulty: 9.7) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ANNOYING NOISE UPDATE!!! ANNOYING NOISE UPDATE!!! ANNOYING NOISE UPDATE!!! Date: Mon, 3 Jun 2002 09:43:56 GMT Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > Gaah! Today, I finally had the brutal flashback to the day when the > "Loch Lomond Coming 'Round The Mountain" truck spent most of the day > making noise outside my old apartment (the one I moved out of in > April). These past few days I've been reading your posts about said > truck, and something seemed vaguely familiar, but I couldn't remember > when I had heard the truck before. Then, today, I actually went back > to my old apartment to get some of my old junk out of there before my > official move-out date, and the memories came crashing back of that > day when the thing wouldn't stop making noise, and every time I > thought it was done, then I'd hear the "AYLO!!!!" and the music would > start up again. This was only a few months ago, but somehow I managed > to completely block out the memory until you slowly but surely dredged > it back up for me. > > Thanks a lot, Kibo! All I can say is... I am happy to provide this useful service because I am the kindest and nicest person in all human history, and you're welcome, and I'll be in Scotland afore ye... AYLO!!!!!! I managed to get that tune out of my head today by watching "Logan's Run: The Series" episodes until its theme song (which, I believe, had the lyrics "PEW PEW PEW! PEW PEW PEW! PEW PEW PEW! PEW PEW PEW! PEW PEW PEW!") obliterated all memory of the 374 songs which have ever been stuck in my head. And now "Loch Lomoround The Mountain" is back. Geez, thanks a bunch, Joe. You are history's greatest monster! -- K. The other way I tried to purge myself of that song was by eating nothing except Japanese pickles (the kind that come in navy blue and radioactive magenta) but nothing happened. At least not anything I can talk about on the Internet. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ANNOYING NOISE UPDATE!!! ANNOYING NOISE UPDATE!!! ANNOYING NOISE UPDATE!!! Date: Mon, 3 Jun 2002 09:35:01 GMT Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) beabled: > > > > Just to be safe, I'm not going to watch Cartoon Network. Two nights > > ago, they played a "Tom & Jerry" where Nibbles (the junior mouse) > > had a Scottish accent and sang "Loch Lomond". It's a conspiracy. > > I am going to go into hiding for the next hour to ensure that the > > "Loch Lomond Coming 'Round The Mountain" truck can't get me. > > On a semi-related note, the Bugs Bunny cartoon on the Cartoon Network AT > THIS VERY MOMENT is the one where Bugs ends up in Scotland (after not > taking the left at Albequerque). After emerging from the ground the road > sign next to his hole has three different placards. Two of them are > arrowed signs labeled "High Road" and "Low Road" with the top non-arrowed > sign saying "Loch Lomond". > > Can't say as I've ever noticed that before. > > It's obviously some sort of conspiracy to drive Kibo mad. Yes, but I managed to go all day Sunday without hearing either the ice cream truck or any other perversion of "Loch Lomond" and "Comin' Round The Mountain". On the other hand, I saw episodes of "Blakes7", "Otherworld", "V: The Series", and "Logan's Run: The Series", so I'm not sure I avoided suffering. On the third hand, there were some really AWESOME commercials on these videotapes from the 1980's, giving me MASSIVE HAIR FLASHBACKS. Nowadays I'm careful to separate the TV from the commercials, so that the entertainment goes onto tape and the commercials go onto disk. That way, twenty years from now, if I want to see that commercial with the talking feet with the eyes on the bottom, I'll know where it is, and I won't accidentally ruin the efficiency of my video library by having two copies of the same commercial. Also today one cable channel had a marathon of all the Wesley-oriented "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episodes, and Wesley never once sang "Loch Lomond". I'm not sure, but I think Scotty sang it once on the original series, probably in one of the episodes "The Emperor Of Ice Cream", "Sprinkletime", or "The Creamy Conundrum". -- K. Overheard in Central Square: "I feel totally naked if I don't have my flute in my pocket at all times." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Obsession (Good Humor is Pure Evil) Date: Mon, 3 Jun 2002 10:31:56 GMT Michelle Solomon (kes@netmonger.net) wrote: > > You people get obsessed about the wierdest things. Possibly if you all > stopped contemplating the ice cream truck theme songs, you'd actually > go outside. > > So there! Michelle, Perhaps you misunderstand. The ice cream truck _is_ outside. Unless yours is even more evil than mine. In any case, why can't the truck play something nice for the nice people to listen to? Something everyone likes, like the song from that commercial with the hungry cats. -- K. Also, I was outside today, and it was a mess. The wind blew an orange barrel into the middle of Huntington Avenue and traffic came to a stop because some bozo didn't think they could run over the light fluffy wind-blown vinyl barrel with their giant metal car. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Obsession (Good Humor is Pure Evil) Date: Tue, 4 Jun 2002 01:21:37 GMT Michelle Solomon (kes@netmonger.net) wrote: > > Is your ice cream truck parked in front of your house so you can't get > into the driveway, like mine is? > > My ice cream truck makes me look forward to going to work in the > morning. If you could rate that on the Evil Scale, I would appreciate it. You want to know how evil my ice cream truck is? First, forget how evil my job is. You're not supposed to know precisely how evil my job is, or what we do with the hundreds of live rats after we give them tumors by forcing them to watch movies based on video games. Second, my ice cream truck is so evil that it would even block the driveway of your ice cream truck's driver's house after forcing him to watch movies based on video games until his brain got all swollen and popped, preventing the ambulance from taking him to The Special Hospital For Ice Cream Truck Drivers With Hurt Brains. Mine doesn't physically block the driveway of my building -- however, it does musically block all conscious thought within a five-block radius. I will be trying to read the directions on a package of frozen corn and my brain will receive "Boil Loch Lomond until she comes 'round the mountain. Now put the corn back in the freezer because it is ice cream time in America. Ice cream. Ice cream. Ice cream. You will think about ice cream, and how much you hate it." That truck precludes all possibility of thinking about more important stuff, like whether New Coke would have done better if they had called it Super Coke, and whether when Mike Myers plays "The Cat In The Hat" they should use glue or staples to attach the fur to him, and whether anyone has ever built a wooden case for their laptop computer with Scrabble keys for tiles, and whether V-8 would be better or worse if they left out all that tomato juice they put in as filler, and why is this T-shirt so comfortable even though it doesn't have any holes in it, and why don't they put smelling salts in magic markers to keep kids from getting drowsy in art class? -- K. And what if the ancient Romans had worn BVDs over their togas, would we now have to wear togas under our slacks? Why isn't there a combination Pam and Raid so I only need to keep one can under the sink? If, instead of red-green-blue, computers had as primary colors red-green-hurt, would lots of Web sites use pure hurt just because they could? Why isn't your car's glove compartment just a pair of mannequin hands you could slip your gloves over? And you could have them hold the wheel for you on long drives! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Obsession (Good Humor is Pure Evil) Date: Wed, 5 Jun 2002 20:32:47 GMT "Wiblur the Once" (jchapman@aros.net) wrote: > > Michelle Solomon (kes@netmonger.net) wrote: > > > > Ok, perhaps your ice cream truck is more evil than mine. After all, > > yours could be held responsible for making you eat frozen corn. Or > > creamed corn. Or margarine that's fluorescent-colored. Or making you > > live in Boston. Or making you think of really wierd things that only > > wierd people think of. Like Ernie and Bert. > > A truely evil ice cream truck would make you eat frozen creamed- > corn-cycles. This is the worst "Tron" fan-fiction ever. I really don't want to know what Bruce Boxleitner and Ernie and Bert do while riding around in their creamed-corn-cycle. Whatever it is, it probably involves a floating icosahedron yelling "YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!" while The Count laughs up a storm and David Warner throws a glowing Frisbee filled with fluorescent margarine at them. -- K. Tron. Corn. Tron. Corn. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Obsession (Good Humor is Pure Evil) Date: Tue, 4 Jun 2002 22:00:35 GMT "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > Does your ice cream truck even sell "World's Gayest Computer" flavour > ice cream? I don't think I want to find out what's in their truck. I'd prefer to limit my contact with them to shouting at them through a bullhorn from my balcony, "NAME THAT TUNE OR I WILL MELT ALL YOUR ICE CREAM WITH MY RADIO SHACK LASER POINTER. TO SHOW YOU I AM SERIOUS I WILL NOW MAKE A DOT ON YOU." Today there was a different ice cream truck, playing a happy, perky, on-key, unaccompanied rendition of "Turkey In The Straw" which was positively delightful compared to that wretched speeded-up combination of half a bagpipe tune and half a banjo tune with the double-time rhythm track to disguise the tune's origin as a bagpipe dirge, to say nothing of the clown noises designed to attract kids who like having clowns scream in their ear. -- K. However, I hear Ore-Ida is working on developing gay french fries. TASTE THE RAINBOW! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I shall now explain international affairs. Date: Mon, 3 Jun 2002 10:39:12 GMT Want to know the real reason the TV news media and newspapers want us to think there must be a nuclear war between India and Pakistan within the next few months? It's all a secret plot by India and Pakistan to team up to trick the rest of the world into locking up all their money into betting pools which will never pay off because those sneaky bastard countries are only fooling about having a nuclear war! I SAY WE BOYCOTT INDIA AND PAKISTAN UNTIL THEY BLOW EACH OTHER UP FOR OUR GAMBLING PLEASURE! -- K. Or at least we should force them to export fewer snack foods that look like Fritos but taste like burnt asafetida. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I shall now explain international affairs. Date: Tue, 4 Jun 2002 22:00:32 GMT Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Want to know the real reason the TV news media and newspapers want us > > to think there must be a nuclear war between India and Pakistan within > > the next few months? > > My friend was concerned that they would blow up all the curries in the > world if there was a nuclear war. Nonsense! Good Monster Gamera, friend to children and curries, will protect all those Japanese curries made from lard and brown food coloring. And some sort of really cheap monster with coconut juice in its veins will protect Singapore's traffic-light-colored curries. And nobody will nuke Ethiopia's tasty curry-like cuisine (with free sourdough tablecloth) because none of the people with nukes remember Ethiopia exists. Besides, if there is a nuclear war (obliterating 1/10 of 1% of 1/10 of India's population) you can expect tens of millions of Indians and Pakistanis to flee to other countries that kind of speak English, like the United States, Canada, Sweden, and Australia. So there will be curries aplenty. Also, you can expect the emergence of exciting new radiation-spiced cuisine. Just as Chernobyl invented Chicken Kiev -- which can now be made in any household microwave just by drilling a few holes in the door -- a nuclear war in India would lead to exciting new food products with names like "Chicken Vindaglo" and "Sarson Ka Saag Ka Boom". Look for them in your local spice shop's lead-lined freezer. However, I'd hate to live in one of the other countries in that region. After the war, places like Kazakhstan (where I own a major oil pipeline, according to the mail I get) will be showered with fallout until they are covered in a thick layer of deadly asafetidust. -- K. Nuclear weapons are a good thing. I mean, if it wasn't for them, we'd never have discovered bikinis! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I shall now explain international affairs. Date: Wed, 5 Jun 2002 21:00:47 GMT Ben Allard (ballard@wpi.edu) wrote: > > Tim Chmielewski (timchmielewski@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > Kazakhstan is already pretty well irradiated. It's where the former > > USSR tested all it's nukes. One of my friends says he knows someone > > who used to live there and they didn't warn anyone when they were > > testing so everyone was outside when the bombs went off usually. > > > > I also remember seeing a story on all the birth defects from the > > radiation and illnesses caused by rocket fuel fumes. > > LIES! ALL LIES! Rocket fuel is the safest stuff imaginable! You > could drink gallons of it, every day, no problem! Why, it's mostly > just oxygen anyway. I have a big glass of rocket fuel every morning > with my breakfast. If you'd like to wash it down with some Kazakhistani petroleum distillates, I can hook you up with some of that. None of the E-mail I receive about my major petrochemical business in Kazakhistan mentions any plutonium for sale, maybe you have to go to GazProm to get that. In addition to all the E-mail I get about Kazakhistani gas pipelines, I also get lots of stuff about my high-quality Tanzanian beer and other fun things. For instance, one guy who thinks I am the star of "Hogan's Heroes" has been writing me: -> hey klimperer, -> -> herzlichen glckwunsch, du bist genau drei kommastellen an der -> peinlichsten aktion deines lebens vorbeigerutscht. die diplomarbeit -> ist zu allem berfluss auch noch die beste gewesen. aber keine angst, -> ich halte mich immer noch fr einen stmper. deine arbeit hat sich -> also noch richtig ausgezahlt. -> einen tag nach der prsentation bin ich eine woche snowboarden gefahren, -> seit vorgestern bin ich bei conny in zri. ist schon nett hier. -> bist du noch bei alex? wenn ja gr ihn mal schn. -> nchste woche bin ich erstmal in trier, dann umziehen innerhalb -> weimars, 2 ausstellungen machen, seifenkiste bauen, mappe machen, -> besuch kriegen,...... -> dann mal langsam einen gedanken daran verschwenden was ich eigentlich -> so vorhab. -> weisst du zufllig irgendwas schweinebilliges zum wohnen in weimar, -> ruhig auch kohle? -> viel spass noch, bis bald, boris => hey klimperclown, => => ich bin in zrich abgetaucht, komme frhestens montag, 20.05. wieder => in das gottverlassene nest zurck. dann mssen wir uns aber auch schon => ganz schn sputen mit unserer seifenkiste, freitag habe ich dann => nmlich keine zeit. also, lass dir was einfallen zu unserem high-tech => plug-in thema und wenn du was findest -> sammeln. => wenn alex noch da ist schne grsse. kommt paul? => => wirsing, boris I'm not sure what it means, but it seems to be something about going snowboarding while using Napster, so it must be cooler than me. Also, some woman named Anya Zhakieva keeps sending me a photo of her attempting to look sexy, and someone somewhere keeps sending me detailed instructions on how to configure their company's firewall, which is a really brilliant thing for them to allow employees who can't figure out how to type an E-mail address to distribute, and occasionally I get a plea to bring some sunscreen to the bridge club meeting to donate to those poor albinos living in central Africa. And every once in a while I get a bill for drilling equipment, aircraft engines, or hazmat suits. And I rarely order any hazmat suits. I often wonder how much industrial equipment gets lost because people are expecting me to track it for them: -> The (3) 2 SP Flanged Repair Joint ( 2000 PSI Amine ) will be ready to ship -> to Freight Forwarders in Houston, Texas on Wednesday, March 20, 2002. => Have you received a set of your plans from Pioneer that have a grid => drawn on them and color coded logs? ...and travel itineraries, medical examination reports, and other goodies. It's mostly marked "CONFIDENTIAL" because they know they're being idiots and sending it to random E-mail addresses. I once got an invoice for $175 for a roll of 420 "Please Be Kind -- Rewind" labels for the video store I run in Africa, Asia, and/or Texas. Sometimes it's nice to know how much this stuff costs just in case I ever need 420 "Please Be Kind -- Rewind" labels, although it would suck if I needed 421 and had to pay double. Sometimes I think I should just forward all my mail to the United Nations and let them attempt to sort out which country's Dead Letter Office should get each message. -- K. I'm not even going to mention Nigeria and South Korea, which are countries that should be nuked until they agree never to send E-mail. Kazakhstan shouldn't be nuked quite so hard, as the stuff I get from there is kind of entertaining. Maybe we should just send the annoying ice cream truck there. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I shall now explain international affairs. Date: Wed, 5 Jun 2002 20:30:28 GMT Ben Allard (ballard@wpi.edu) wrote: > > Tim Chmielewski (timchmielewski@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > I also remember seeing a story on all the birth defects from the > > radiation and illnesses caused by rocket fuel fumes. > > LIES! ALL LIES! Rocket fuel is the safest stuff imaginable! You > could drink gallons of it, every day, no problem! Why, it's mostly > just oxygen anyway. I have a big glass of rocket fuel every morning > with my breakfast. And the Stomp Rocket is the safest toy ever because there's no way it could fit into BOTH eye sockets at the same time as long as you're looking directly down at it while you launch it upwards! I need to polish off my "Dangerous Toys" essay and post it someday. And my "Time Tunnel" guide. And all this other stuff that has weird pickles in it. -- K. Someone wants to see my pickle. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Food Holidays! Date: Tue, 4 Jun 2002 01:21:43 GMT Wiblur the Once (jchapman@aros.net) wrote: > > [...] > > National Egg Salad Week "Jeepers, Batman! Egghead has built a ray that has turned all of Gotham City, and the rest of the country, into a giant egg salad!" "Yes, Robin, but we must remember that basic physics tells us that national egg salad can only last a week." "Holy expiration date! You mean we just have to wait this out in our gloppy yellowish-white city until it reverts to normal?" "Alas, old chum, after a week it changes from egg salad to a mixture of Cheez Whiz and Maypo." "Eww! We'll have to eat our way out before that happens!" "Good thinking, Robin. Now, if I could just reach the Bat-Fork in my utility belt..." "Hang on, Batman, I've got one tucked inside my little green panty." "How unsanitary! Robin, there is no way I'm going to eat egg salad with a utensil that's been inside your panty!" "Gosh, you're right. Alfred can use this fork, and you can use his." "Excellent. Let us now commence eating this national egg salad... before it turns." -- K. (Go-go music plays as the word "CHOLESTEROL!" flashes on the screen.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.food.chocolate From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Sorry, but the chocolate-covered french fries have arrived. Date: Tue, 4 Jun 2002 04:46:02 GMT Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Back in February, I warned everyone of the Heinz corporation's plans to market "Ore-Ida Funky Fries", a line of artificial french fry style products in fluorescent colors and candy flavors. And now... they're here! I just ate two different unnatural colors of fries and gosh, I think I made a mistake. Ecch. To recap, here's what I wrote in February: ////// RE-RUN BEGINS HERE ///////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Chocolate-coated potatoes? Is nothing sacred? Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 11 Feb 2002 08:12:55 -0500 Heinz, who brought us bile green ketchup, and nuclear purple ketchup, is today announcing "Funky Fries". "Funky" is not a word which should be used near any sort of food product. No "funky", and no "stanky", please. In a press release put out twelve minutes ago by Heinz's Ore-Ida subsidiary, we are told: -> Ore-Ida(R) Puts Fun Into Funky with the Introduction of Funky Fries(TM) "Hey! The word 'funky' has 'fun' in it! Let's call our fries 'funky'!" "Um, 'funky' is bad." "Okay, let's use another word starting with 'fun'... How about 'Fungus Fries'?" -> February 2002 (Newstream) -- Simply put they're not what a potato is -> supposed to be. "They're mutant! They're deformed! They're funky!" -> They've never been seen before, and they come in radical flavors, -> wacky shapes and cool colors. Are you tired of serious shapes? If so, you need your food to be mechanically processed into the wackiest shapes that robots can extrude! Here's what a regular reconstituted potato log factory sounds like: STAMP!(rectangle)STAMP!(rectangle)STAMP!(rectangle)STAMP!(rectangle) ...and here's what the Funky Fries Factory sounds like: BLORCH!(wacky rectangle)BLORCH!(wacky rectangle)BLORCH!(wacky rectangle) -> They're called Ore-Ida Funky Fries, and they're the wildest, wackiest, -> most fun frozen food on the market today. Featuring five funky varieties -> such as cinnamon and sugar, cocoa and even a blue variety, Any child knows that eating even a bite of a green potato chip will kill you instantly. What would eating a blue fry do? Make the Earth explode? -> new Funky Fries are the most radical thing to hit french fries since -> ketchup itself. "This press release needs 30% more 'radical' and 14% more 'wacky' according to our carefully-engineered computer simulation of wacky radicalness." -> "We expect Ore-Ida Funky Fries to be a huge hit with the whole family, -> especially kids," said John Carroll, managing director for North American -> potatoes and snacks at Heinz Frozen Food Company. "Kids will love new -> Funky Fries because they are a wild new way to enjoy french fries. Plus, -> Funky Fries can be enjoyed anytime - whether it's after school, during -> mealtime or as an evening snack - especially among kids who want a truly -> fun food." -> -> Ore-Ida Funky Fries will be available to consumers this May in five -> 20-ounce varieties: -> -> * Cinna-Stiks(TM), cinnamon and sugar potatoes, perfect for breakfast, -> snack time or any time; -> * Cocoa Crispers(TM), cocoa-y potatoes, designed for kids with a sweet -> tooth; Kids who haven't yet lost all but one tooth might also enjoy the sugar- coated grease. -> * Kool Blue(TM), crispy, seasoned potatoes with a radical blue color -> that are sure to light up traditional french fries; WOW! BLUE FOOD IS SO KOOL! IT'S KOOL BECAUSE THERE'S NEVER BEEN ANY BLUE FOOD BEFORE! <-- TOTALLY RADICAL SARCASM! -> * Crunchy Rings(TM), cylindrical potatoes that crunch as they delight; Please tell me there's no warning label, "MAY CAUSE GANGRENE OF THE PENIS". -> and -> -> * Sour Cream & Jive(TM), crispy potatoes seasoned with just the right -> amount of sour cream and chive flavoring. And 50% more jive! I can't wait until Butterball brings out a Jive Turkey. -> This unique line of french fries is made from wholesome, premium-quality -> potatoes which are then ruined -> and is sure to become the most fun and flavorful invention among -> frozen potatoes. It will win the Nobel Prize For Encouraging Kids To Eat Rotten Potatoes Which Have Been Dyed Blue To Disguise The Gray Spots! -> The new product features eye-catching purple packaging and will be -> available in the frozen potato aisle. -> -> "Funky Fries are the newest addition to Ore-Ida's line of great-tasting -> foods that deliver fun and innovative options," said Bob Ziehl, general -> manager, Ore-Ida. "Kids who tasted Funky Fries said they definitely would -> ask mom to buy one of these five varieties. "But we also decided to market the other four gross ones." -> In fact, Funky Fries received some of the highest research results -> we've ever seen." Especially from the highest focus groups. Dude, like, I'm not just eating a blue potato! I'm bathing in the blue sunshine on a trip through the cosmic blue potato of total awareness and like oh wow! -> ABOUT ORE-IDA: Ore-Ida is the most trusted and popular name in the potato -> and onion business. As the nation's leading marketer of frozen potatoes, -> Ore-Ida produces a variety of products including Golden Fries(R) and Golden -> Crinkles(R), Zesties!(R) and Crispers!(R), Steak Fries, Tater Tots(R), I hereby claim the trademark "Steak Fries" because they forgot to (R) it. Steak Fries(R) is a trademark of Kibo. I'll let them have it back if they promise never to think of Blue Steak. -> Hash Browns, ...and like oh wow I'm having a groovy callback! -> Twice Baked, ...and like oh wow I'm having a groovy callback! -> Mashed, Whipped and Sweet Potatoes and Onion Rings. -> -> ABOUT HEINZ: With sales approaching US$10 billion and a pantheon of icon -> brands, ORE-IDA IS YOUR GOD NOW! -> H.J. Heinz Company is one of the world's leading marketers of -> high-quality ketchup, sauces, meals, soups, snacks and infant foods to -> consumers everywhere, whether in supermarkets, restaurants or on the go. -> Its 50 companies operate in some 200 countries, with more than 20 power -> brands, including the Heinz(R) brand with nearly US$3 billion in annual -> sales. Among the company's famous brands are Heinz, StarKist, Ore-Ida, Hey, they misspelled "(R)" as an O with an accent mark. Too bad! I hereby claim the trademarks "Heinz" and "Heinzo'", all rights reserved. Heinz(R) and Heinzo'(R) are trademarks of Kibo. Finders keepers, losers weepers, funky taters! -> 9-Lives(R), Wattie's(R), Plasmon(R), Classico(R), Smart Ones(R), -> Bagel Bites(R), Delimex(R), Poppers(R), John West(R), Petit Navire(R), -> Kibbles`n Bits(R), Pounce(R), Pup-Peroni(R), Orlando(R), ABC(R), -> Olivine(R), Jufran(R) and Pudliszki(R). FUNKY BLUE TATERS, NEW FROM THE MAKERS OF DOZENS OF KINDS OF DOG FOOD AND SOMETHING CALLED "PLASMON"! IT MAKES THE BLUE FRIES SEEM NOT GROSS BY COMPARISON! THEY'RE FUNKY, BUT IN A GOOD WAY! -> Heinz also uses the famous brands Weight Watchers(R), Boston Market(R), -> TGIF(R) and Linda McCartney(R) under license. Look for funky blue Linda McCartney in your grocer's freezer. -> Information on Heinz is available at http://www.heinz.com. Wow! I could go read this same press release ON THE INTERNET! -- K. The teal fries are pretty gross-looking, even in the carefully- styled posed ray-traced retouched glamour shot accompanying the press release. But they still look less gross than the warm brown chocolate- coated ones. Tater Turds! ////// RE-RUN IS NOW OVER ///////////////////////////////////////////////// Well, anyway, they weren't lying. These things are now in my grocer's freezer, and also in his store's freezer too. They're part of a joint marketing venture between Ore-Ida (Heinz) and Nickelodeon (Viacom) because the fake french fries' official Web site is on a TV network's site. (oreida.nick.com) Apparently Corporate America long ago realized that kids should eat fewer vegetables, so they replaced all the nutritious vegetables with potatoes, because potatoes contain no vitamins or minerals or protein whatsoever, and then they realized they didn't go far enough so they started forcing kids to eat salted, sugar-sprayed, grease-laden deep-fried potatoes with every meal, and now it's taken the combined might of Heinz and Nickelodeon to find a way to make these fake vegetables even more anti-nutritious. Either that or they had to put on the blue candy coating because a whole year's crop of potatoes was infested with rotworms. In any case, I bought a bag of dogshit brown mushy potato logs ("Cocoa Crispers") and a bag of Cherenkov blue Potat-O-Doh extrusions ("Kool Blue"), both of which had a big picture of Jimmy Neutron on the package, probably because he was the most artificial, least lifelike cartoon character they could find. I knew I was in trouble when the bags advertised that the most important feature of these new french fry substitutes was that they are in an "Easy Pour Bag". If that's the salient feature, that's a bad sign -- not "These taste good!" or "These are a great value!" but "You can dump these out of the bag because gravity works on them!" Here's the slogan I would have written: EASY POUR BAG! GREASY POOR TASTE! The fries are not sliced potatoes that have been painted funny colors. They are limp lines of Maypo-textured mush squirted out from some sort of high-pressure robot rectum. They do develop a little bit of a crispy coating on the outside when you bake them, but the insides have the texture of a cake that didn't quite bake long enough. Also, they're dark brown all the way through, or fluorescent blue all the way through, whichever is appropriate to their choice of potato lifestyle. The blue ones taste like all other bad imitation fries. Imagine if you put a bag of Tater Tots in a blender, then left the mass of goop in the middle of MacArthur Park until it got rained on, then stirred in some blue poster paint and said, "There! I'm finished! I've dyed them, so there is no need for flavor! Color trumps flavor!" They don't taste more interesting than real potatoes. In fact, they don't even taste as interesting as real potatoes. The brown ones are more interesting, because they taste like warm, soft, squishy fudge brownies made in an Easy-Bake oven where the light bulb burned out after the first twenty minutes. Except for the extra salt and grease. So if you like the idea of eating uncooked cake batter with way too much salt and grease for cake batter, you'll love these, unless you think these look like turds, which you will because they do. In fact, these are the only food that looks less turd-like after you excrete it. You'll want to rinse your mouth out with Kitty Litter. Why couldn't they put the chocolate frosting and blue dye on stuff kids don't already eat too much of? They could sell chocolate-covered cabbage or blue castor oil. And kids hate gravy. Why not chocolate- covered globs of gravy? All of those are better ideas than Funky Fries, The Fries For Moms Who Don't Give A Damn. "Now, Junior, stop eating those lead paint chips long enough to finish your blue lunch. Then you can go back to eating the paint chips." Ore-Ida products are Stu-Pid. Also, Jimmy Neutron has sold out! I'll never respect him again. -- K. I predict that within six months we'll see a flavor of Ben & Jerry's ice cream with blue Funky Fries in it. By the way, they're not even real hippies. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sorry, but the chocolate-covered french fries have arrived. Date: Tue, 4 Jun 2002 22:00:43 GMT "The Matt (thompsma@coloradoDOTedu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In any case, I bought a bag of dogshit brown mushy potato logs > > ("Cocoa Crispers") and a bag of Cherenkov blue Potat-O-Doh > > extrusions ("Kool Blue"), > > Here now, where is the dedication? I want reviews of "Crunchy Rings" > and "Sour Cream and Jive". I'm being nice and letting you skip the > "Cinna-Stiks" because even I have limits. (Kibo whips out a pair of nunchucks, one of which is brown and the other blue, and twirls them menacingly.) HERE IS REVIEW! FOOD LOOKS LIKE SUCK! YOU DIE NOW! YOU DIE A LOT NOW! THAT WAS REVIEW! (Kibo then trades his nunchucks for a pair of cinnamon-flavored ones, with a much longer chain between them. He holds one in each hand and skips the Cinna-Stiks while chanting "Mother, Mother, I am sick, send for the doctor, quick quick quick!") > I'm especially interested in "Crunchy Rings" since it would fit into my > mold of buying almost normal frozen potato products. For example, I > don't buy tater tots, but "crispy crowns" which are, as far as I can > tell, squashed tater tots (and a rip-off of Schwans Tater Tots...I > think). Those are all products which were specifically invented to use up the potatoes that weren't good enough to be made into french fries. I know because I saw it on TV on that show where they show you how gross food really is before it leaves the factory. > As for "Sour Cream and Jive"...I just can't bring myself to buy them. > The choco and blue ones I might just for kitsch, but the SC&J just seem > bad. Given the mushy mashed potato nature of the ones I tried, I am assuming the sour cream flavor might be the best because it would approximate a flavor you might want in your mashed potatoes. But I still won't buy them because I demand real potatoes in my french fries. Also, I was really disappointed that the blue ones weren't sugary and raspberry-ish. The brown ones tasted brown but the blue ones tasted gray. -- K. Nunchucks sounds like a competitor to Purina Nun Chow. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Open letter to McDonald's Date: Tue, 4 Jun 2002 05:27:30 GMT David Bromage (dbromage@omni.com.au) wrote: > > Dear Clown Face, > > I refer to your current promotion in Austria named "Spell to win > Scrabble" in which sticky Scrabble letters are attached to value > meals, which you have to then stick onto the tray mat to work words > and hopefully win prizes. In particular, I take issue with the > television ad which claims "the permutations are endless". > > Firstly, normal people don't say "permutations" in general > conversation. No, but scientists do, especially when talking about McDonalds: "Eating at McDonalds will give you a large chance of having five-eyed children, but they usually only have a few super powers, at a low incidence of powers per mutations." (Serious scientists leave off the final "s" for extra science.) > Secondly, if I bought every McDonald's meal over the next 2 months, by > your own statistics I would collect no more than 27.7 million sticky > letters. The number of permutations is the factorial of 27.7 million, > which although a very large number is still finite. And even then I > could only win up to 21 million prizes. This reminds me, I need to read that Kurd Lasswitz novel that's lying around here. I should stop waiting for Willy Ley to check the math. > If I bought three large meals every day for the next two months, I > would collect around 1000 sticky letters. The number of permutations > would be 1000 from 27.7 million, which is smaller than 27.7 million > factorial and therefore still finite. So are you going to eat at McDonalds every day for two months just to get enough letters to spell out everything you want to say to McDonalds? Or are you just going to use cheap public-domain letters in your crank letter? > I trust you will pass these important issues on to your marketing > people. > [Insert picture of Stephen Hawking] <--- They must be at least this > smart to invent their own branch of mathematics. I don't buy that. Archimedes Plutonium invented his own kind of math even though he isn't as smart as a picture of Stephen Hawking. > Cheers > David Eat Fudge Get Heart Infarction Just Killing Losers Mentioning No Overt Pornographic Qualities Regarding Sexual Titillation Under Vader's Wet Xylophone ...someone else can finish it. -- K. Using Plutonium Arithmetic, I have proved that zero is a letter and oh is a number, but not the other way around. Zero with a slash through it is a number, but only in Sweden. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Open letter to McDonald's Date: Wed, 5 Jun 2002 20:32:57 GMT "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > People are stupid in America. In one McDonalds promotion, you > basically removed paper squares from your drink cup and see if > you won anything. Of course people threw away pieces unremoved > like there was no tommorow. Yeah, it sure was stupid of them to refuse to waste precious time and effort peeling open the stickers for the rigged contests where nobody wins anything except coupons requiring them to buy more McDonalds meals to get free bad-tasting french fries. You know those McDonalds contests were all rigged as of last year, right? It was in the news. It was even in the TV news, because the word "McDonalds" was in it, allowing it to be both real news and TV news at the same time. What I always like is when they have one of those "Scrabble" or "Monopoly" games ("Monopoly" was rigged -- who woulda thunk there was anything suspicious about a game named "Monopoly"?) where the basic mechanism is that (if the games were legit, which they weren't) McDonalds would print up ten million of each game piece, except for one in the group you needed to collect to win the million dollars, so they'd issue ten million Boardwalks but only one Park Place, and you'd see people putting classified ads in the newspaper saying "I have all the 'Monopoly' pieces except for Park Place, and I will pay you TWENTY DOLLARS for it!" Sadly, we never got to find out if anyone who had the piece was stupid enough to figure out that it was a special piece after reading a stack of those ads, because McDonalds issued all the winning pieces to itself. Speaking of bad french fries, in addition to those Funky Fries, Ore-Ida has also introduced "Fast Food Fries" style frozen french fries. They're exactly like their 578 other varieties except they say they're "Fast Food" style, which I guess means they made them extra-soggy or something. -- K. Anyone want some Funky Fries? I still have 1.8 bags. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Open letter to McDonald's Date: Wed, 5 Jun 2002 21:21:17 GMT Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > I'm telling you, Kibo, if you really want to turn yourself into a fast > food restaurant you need to forget about this Ore-Ida stuff and go > right to Lamb Weston, purveyors of potatoes to the stars. They even > have a Web site, http://www.lambweston.com/ ...I'd've thought you'd > be a charter member of their fan club by now. I've written about them a few times, them and their Ultra 7 Stealth D Generation ZZ Curly Q Top Seedless Inviso Lazer Death From Within Fries. You might note that their minor varieties of fast-food fries are named after the ZIP codes they were developed for. I live in one of their french fries. -- K. Now, because you deserve it so, here's a re-run of a re-run. ////// BEGIN NEW RE-RUN WHICH CONTAINS AN OLD RE-RUN ///////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: CURLY FRIES Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2000 02:25:30 -0500 "And knowing is half the battle" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > The fact I cannot locate Curly Fries is proof that god hates me. Aw, poor baby. Around 1990, I complained to the whole Internet that 1990 was THE YEAR WITHOUT WAGON-WHEEL-SHAPED PASTA. And do you know what? They LAUGHED AT ME! So don't expect any sympathy from me. (Cue world's hugest tiny invisible fluorescent violin playing the sound of curly fries being rubbed on the world's greasiest violin strings.) So, TOUGH TATER ON YOU! But despite having a total lack of sympathy for you, I *do* feel your pain. However, I feel it in the form of the pain one gets from having too many consumer goods rather that too few. For instance, today at the 7-Eleven, while I was there buying a packet of Pop Nots for my boss, I found... packets of microwave popcorn... with... pork... rinds. I mean with pork rinds IN THE POPCORN. Would someone please design a bomb that draws a big Venn diagram with all the food sold by 7-Eleven in the first circle and all the food sold by real supermarkets in the second circle and then blows up the part of the first circle that doesn't overlap the second circle? Thank you very much. So, in conclusion, I apologize for being mean to you just because you can't get any curly fries. HA, HA! YOU CAN'T GET NO CURLIES! But I'll take pity on you because I feel sorry that I'm making fun of you (HA! HA! I AM MAKING FUN OF YOU!!!!) so I will tell you where to get a forklift's worth of frozen tateroid spirals. Here's an article I wrote for a newsletter that doesn't usually tell you where to buy curly fries: --------------------------------------------------------------------------- URL: Lamb-Weston french fries http://www.lambweston.com Lamb-Weston is a division of the huge ConAgra corporation (I think "ConAgra" is short for "conglomerated agribusiness".) The specialty of Lamb-Weston is the industrial manufacture of french fries. Hundreds of kinds of french fries. They supply enormous quantities of french fries to fast-food restaurants everywhere, and now _you_ can use the power of the Web to read all about other people's french fries! Click on "Product Lines" to see the different categories of fries that are delivered in huge trucks. Their product lines are divided into cutesy names such as "Generation 7 Fries", "Stealth Fries", and "Private Reserve". Then, click on one of the categories (at top left) to learn about the dozens of kinds of fries in each category. Such as "Specialty Cut Fries Taterboy Rib Cuts 24253 Deep V Steak". I dare you to go into any restaurant and ask them if they have "Specialty Cut Fries Taterboy Rib Cuts 24253 Deep V Steak" on the menu. THERE ARE TOO MANY KINDS OF FRENCH FRIES IN THE WORLD! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- K. Anyone else remember Buzzy's original "fries", which were neither sliced nor cooked? Eww. ////// END OF NEW RE-RUN WHICH CONTAINED AN OLD RE-RUN /////////////////// Lamb-Weston makes pretty much all the fries in the world. This is why all fries taste bad. By the way, the french fry in which I live tastes like Boston at one end and Roxbury at the other. I'd find you guys a picture of it but Lamb-Weston's Web site is broken. I guess now nobody will ever be able to buy fries again. Whoops, I almost forgot to sign this article: -- K. I bet that evil ice cream truck that's been following me around sells ice cream with fries in it. They probably call it something like Poutine Parfait. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I need to know why I wrote this. Date: Tue, 4 Jun 2002 05:36:15 GMT "WHOSE TITAN ELBOW" (crgre+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > Notice: I have so totally cured my sphexophobia that an obese > yellow jacket was crawling on my leg and I didn't much notice > except after it left when I realized that I was that much more > self-actualized! That wasn't a fat yellow jacket, it was The Self-Actualization Bee, and if you had killed it you would have ceased to be self-actual, and would have been sucked into the self-virtual world just like "Tron" except even more pretend, where the walls would be made out of _imaginary_ cardboard. And the only way to get out would be to find The Self-Actualization Bee, being careful not to be stung by The William Shatner Actualization Bee, because you don't want to make him any more actual than he already is. Plus if you used his bee, Shatner might bogart your bee. > I think I can start my own seminars now. Not until you also get bit by The Seminar Slug. -- K. The people who work at Heinz/Ore-Ida started selling chocolate-covered french fries because they got stung by the Hate Children Bee. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Science vs. Philosophy Date: Tue, 4 Jun 2002 06:31:24 GMT Followup-To: sci.physics in sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > We mesure our phyilosiphy with science math > and physics can not divorce philiosiphy . > Conservation of energy where even space an time are just forms of > intuition : ) > Math ad the philo of te math are maried to a fabric of the sum of its > qualities. : ) > Well maybe Einstien didnt write it , but he would have : ) > Einstein placed im self in an expanding universe of pure expanding > energy and watced te earth << alfrid koplf or was it knolp nno. > Space ,,,the earth makes a low in space ... > Einstien look strait at kolpf , > WHY """""" any one know ? > "I ave a flopsify. Knopf ,,,space must be bent " > Knolp said ,," yer last idia was a bit nuts at first.. but Tis one is > a bit much than kettles will hold " > The day Einstien realised gravity as a push to less energy identical > to te laws of conservation is the same day he understood Gods active > force and told Knopf " God did not roll the dice" I'm not sure, but I think that one of the three different spellings of "philosophy" in your article might be wrong. Also, all the noses fell out of your smileys. -- K. How do they smell? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Best "Attack of the Clones" review ever. Date: Tue, 4 Jun 2002 22:00:38 GMT Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > Somebody needs to give Roger Kaufman some sort of prize for this bit > in the LA Times: > > -> Although many critics have cruelly attempted to destroy it, "Star > -> Wars: Episode II Attack of the Clones" is actually a breathtaking > -> cinematic achievement. By synthesizing epic archetypal themes with > -> gut-churning special effects and the gay theatrical tradition of high > -> camp, George Lucas has created a potent and disturbing commentary on > -> our own bloated and blind American society. > -> > -> Just as Oscar Wilde skewered the hypocrisies of the Victorian > -> bourgeoisie while providing them with irresistible entertainment, so > -> Lucas has used his formidable imagination to show us that the supposed > -> pillars of American culture have fallen into shambles, while a > -> growing, unconscious group-mindedness, systematic wastefulness and > -> destructive militarism are rising toward a terrible, inevitable > -> crescendo. I thought Benny Hill already did all that. His version was better, though, because he had scantily-clad women instead of Jar Jar. If Benny Hill had had Jar Jar, Elvis would have risen from the dead just so he could go around shooting every TV that ever showed Benny Hill pinching Jar Jar's fanny. -- K. Also, "Star Wars" can't be great satire, because Steve Oedekerk was able to satirize "Star Wars", and he's an idiot! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.robotwars,alt.fan.tom-servo,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: What Should I Name My New Robot? Date: Tue, 4 Jun 2002 22:22:27 GMT Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology "That Codswalloper Mr. Hole" (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > I don't have a photo, but my new robot has a single roto-wheel, weighs > close to 7 pounds, excretes a corrosive lubricant, and has two stale > egg-bagels attached on each side that can be used for pounding. And > suggestions? It depends. Is it shaped like a Giant H? Or can it combine with four others to form a bigger robot but it forgets it can do that until the last thirty minutes of the episode? Or can it cheat at poker because a double amputee lives in it in a movie so dumb that the Solar System's greatest botanist hasn't figured out that plants need sunlight? If the answer to any of these questions is "yes", you should name it Hrondar, Bap-Geonix, or Gooey, depending on which question. If the answer to two of the questions is "yes", you should name it Bozor, Potsie 2000, or Carol Burnit. If the answer to all three questions is "yes", you should make your awesome robot destroy Captain Planet just to make Ted Turner cry. I see that Cartoon Network has started showing "Captain Planet" reruns again, as of today. I bet this is just so that Ted Turner can try to take all the credit when the nuclear war between India and Pakistan doesn't happen. "Remember, kids, don't waste petroleum! Now buy our plastic toys." "And never buy anything made in sweatshops! Except cheap television cartoons." "Uh-oh! Someone's trying to start a nuclear war! I'd better punch him!" -- K. Is Dean Kamen still trying to create a national robot-building competition because he's too rich to watch TV and so he doesn't know that "Robot Wars", "Robotica", "BattleBots", and "Junkyard Wars" already exist? Not to mention Survival Research Labs? We should get Kamen and Turner to collaborate on some sort of educational propaganda show that would teach kids that the environment would be super-clean if everyone rode a Ginger, because nothing that travels slower than a person on foot could be bad. Except as a form of transportation. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Baffling commercial. Date: Tue, 4 Jun 2002 22:35:00 GMT I just saw a commercial for a plastic Whiffle-type ball on a string attached to a post so that you can have batting practice indoors all by yourself as long as you have someone else holding the other end of the string to send the ball back to you after you hit it. The "B & B 'ZIP-N-HIT'" is the name of this fine product, available in Original and Advanced models. Original includes seventeen feet of string and a plastic bat. Advanced includes twice as much string "that can be used with ANY bat!", so you can pay five dollars extra to get some string instead of a plastic bat. The odd part is that after telling me the phone number to call, the commercial shouted "WHOLE SAILORS ARE WELCOME!" and I'd like to know just how pathetic a product would have to be if only partial sailors were allowed to buy it. What would that be, a bellbottom jean with only one leg? A parrot that attaches to the stump where your neck used to be? A pickle jar with a label that says "INSERT SAILOR"? -- K. Also, who would want to hit a baseball that was threaded on a string to keep it from going faster than Dom DeLuise on a Rascal scooter? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Durians: the smell of fear Date: Wed, 5 Jun 2002 02:04:20 GMT Adam Jones (adam@yggdrasl.demon.co.uk) wrote: > > Whilst wandering around the Oriental City mall in Colindale (London - > the UK one), I spotted lurking outside at the back a shop booth > bearing the sign: > > DURIAN FRUIT CENTER ...so, they sold only the yellow slime, not the pointy parts? > Feeling foolish, I decided to investigate. > > I got to within a couple of metres before my nerve (and, mercifully, > my nose) gave out. You must have been approaching the Event Horizon, beyond which not even odor can escape from the Durian Center. So you were only smelling the fetid stench of the peripheral durians, not the deadly pure essence emmanating from the Durian Center itself. > Note to self: if you see a shop with what can only be described as a > durian mountain lurking inside, do *not* go near. > > I'm not kidding. They must've had a lorry-load of the damn things. > I have no idea how or to whom they intended to sell them. Perhaps > they're forming an invasion force. In the interest of inter-English communication, it would be helpful if people in the U.K. and the U.S. would collaborate on drawing me a diagram showing how the British words "lorry" and "float" map onto the American words "truck" and/or "van", because I don't know whether a float can also be a lorry but only if it's not a van while it's dark on Tuesday, or however the rules go. Also, this might be easier to explain to me how the positions of Stonehenge and other magickal, mystickal circkles relate to the Durian Center Of The Universe. Perhaps if you connect the durians and the stone circles it makes a drawing of a 1980 "Oui" magazine centerfold which you can only see if you tape circles of red and yellow cellophane to the center of your contact lenses, or something else related to secret pornography hidden in antique video games. Perhaps this is related to those two green durians in "Pac-Man". You could test this theory by looking behind the pile of durians to see if there are two Galaxians that don't seem to belong. -- K. If you're British, why did you go to the Durian Center and not the Durian Centre? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Anti- ammond you ay Varney Date: Wed, 5 Jun 2002 22:46:50 GMT Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > =BD=C3 =BB=F9=C7=C3=C0=BB =B9=DE=C0=BB =BC=F6 =BE=F8=BD=C0=B4=CF=B4=D9. > =C1=F7=C0=E5=C0=FC=C8=AD=A0=A0 - - > =BB=F9=C7=C3=C5=D7=C0=D9=C1=BE=B7=F9=A0=A0=C8=DE=B4=EB=C6=F9=A0=A0- - > =A0Collllllllllorado ,,edu ,,,wat the x for ? varney has tooooo many L > in colorado : ) > WOOOOO the big big boats got it by lightning > woo ooo it got it again ...must ave felt good. > BUT VARNEY CAN YOU FIND OUT IN ANY WAY WHAT land I speak above ? > OR ....land above ...the words of te spoken one ,,,,,, Varney.... > Those words mean te same words , but the tougt of te words changed to > be in order of importance . English has a backwards tougt order . In > mexico for epl , FAST CAR IS . I remember when your writings used to contain at least 20% real words and on special occasions you'd even throw in a part of a sentence. C'mon, throw us a part of a sentence. We deserve it. We sat through all those commas and even most of a smiley face. > French ,,,te car is vary fasta. I think you meant to say Italian ,,,te car is vary fasta pazool. Hope this helps. Excuse me, I meant: Heap this hoops. > But what is my native toung if canada american and wrote that ? > NOW IT WILL GET Harder to understand > me if I start going back and forth between enlish thought cycle and a > importance first thought cycle . > SO some people grew up with 7 or 8 lang tougt cycles . ITS HARD > then to image of you only having reality posible in one thougt order. > That is why YOU cant speak english and sound american . UK speaks eng. > You ave a actcent " would say you ? > ((((((((((((( you ever been out of your ome state))))))))) NO you say > ? > =A0=A0Say ,,, words of te windwalker : )=A0=A0=A0=A0 ...and then there was this one "Mission: Impossible" episode where they told Martin Landau, "We're sending you to infiltrate TJ Frazir's secret headquarters, you'll have to speak with his 'actcent'," and Martin Landau couldn't do it and he cried and then his head ((((((((((( exploded )))))))). ,,, K. Have you been keeping your pet ferret in your brain again? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I want more Date: Wed, 5 Jun 2002 22:53:00 GMT In sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Girl lizards who are not nice, not cute and not have good legs probably > know if an electron sitting around a gravity field emits photons. Gravity > and acceleration are connected. Girls and boys fight about if an electron > sitting around the earth emits photons. Girls and boys do not know if an > electron emits photons when there is an acceleration or a change of > acceleration. > > A girl lizard far away from the earth will probably need to answer the > question because a person sitting with the electron will have the same > acceleration. Acceleration is relative. The girl lizard is suppose to > think the earth is not moving because if the earth is moving around the sun > there will be an acceleration of the earth. > > The electron, the cloud of virtual particles around the electron, the > electric fields of the electron and the cloud and any magnetic fields of > the electron and the cloud will have an acceleration. > > As the electric fields and any magnetic fields from the electron and cloud > move through the gravity of the earth there will probably be changes and > photons may be created. I will not include this. Oh. Damn, I was going to make fun of it but now I can't. Kurt, please include the stuff about the girl lizards pinching electrons sitting on their bottoms. It's not fair for you not to include the girl lizards we so desperately need in our daily lives. Every time I go to K-Mart to buy a Kurt Stocklmeir, the box always says "Girl lizards not included," and I feel stupid. Please include the girl lizards to make me feel smart. -- K. Why are there no boy lizards in your universe? Are they all lizbians? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Brane Fires Date: Thu, 6 Jun 2002 03:42:49 GMT "Lleah" (leahverre@attbi.com) wrote: > > James Vandenberg (james@vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote: > > > > I swear that was meant to be brane fries, describing the current state > > of my head, but I like this version better. > > Well that is quite interesting, as I wackyparsed this subject as such. > And I was thinking that maybe it was a particular brand of Funky Fries that > Kibo neglected to mention. Brain Fries are dyed fluorescent magenta, just like a real brain, and are made from a mixture of instant mashed potato powder and strawberry Jell-O. They can't legally claim that eating them will make you smarter, but they can claim that NOT eating them will NOT make you smarter. They even include a free Brain Test, printed on the inside of the eight-pound bag -- just buy the Brain Fries, take them home, eat them all, and it'll tell you whether or not you're smart yet. > Funky Fries! Now in new Pancreas and Skinned Knee flavors! Don't forget Aqueous Humor (colored aqua, of course, with extra potato eyes in every fry) and Colorful Colon. -- K. Don't ask about Green Giant's Foot Corn With Onion Bunions. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Today's stupid quote from local news Date: Fri, 7 Jun 2002 02:48:10 GMT Introducing a Channel 10 "news" item advertising a local company that sells video entertainment systems for public elevators, the news reader said: "When you enter an elevator, all you can do is look up and stare at the numbers. Or you feel... DUMB! It's just human nature!" Yeah, like I wouldn't feel my IQ going down if there was a video screen showing a vapid local newscast in the elevator. -- K. At least nobody's thought of installing music boxes playing deformed versions of "Loch Lomond"... YET. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: It's official. I have a bigger video collection than Amazon.com. Date: Fri, 7 Jun 2002 03:23:05 GMT Today, for the first time, Amazon.com told me: -> We're sorry. We were unable to find any titles to recommend after -> looking at your purchase history. Apparently I have already bought everything they have and their executives are sitting around crying, in a big pile of money, in the middle of their empty warehouse down in Brazil. It is in Brazil, right? If not, it should be, especially if it's the version where Robert DeNiro blows it up. Now that Amazon.com has given up even trying to sell me anything, I just need to compare my collection to King Jong-Il to see if mine is the largest or second largest in the world. Well, what do you know -- we both have copies of "Pulgasari" but he doesn't have "Outta Control". I WIN!!! Hmm, I should kidnap the directors of "Pulgasari" and "Outta Control" and force them to collaborate on a movie about a monster eating Saugus, Massachusetts. It could be called "Saugusari, The Monster That Sounds Like It Comes With Sauerkraut But Is Actually A Scary Monster And Help Kibo Has Kidnapped Me." No, wait, that's a dumb title even for a monster movie that people were kidnapped to make. Any suggestions? Remember, it must be a title Kim Jong-Il has NOT already kidnapped people to force them to film. -- K. Also, I have Roger Corman's "The Fantastic Four", if King Jong-Il has a bootleg of the "Justice League" movie with David Ogden Stiers as Martian Manhunter I'd be willing to swap, providing he promises to stop referring to Mr. Stiers as "The most annoying of all those guys we couldn't kill during that eleven-year-long war." In exchange, I will send him Jamie Farr in one of Lenny Bruce's old dresses, and the two of the three Father Mulcahys, including the one who could turn into the same things as Catherine Schell. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: OK, which one of you is trying to kill me in my dreams? Date: Sat, 8 Jun 2002 01:31:29 GMT Gregory King (greg@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > [in an alleged dream] I was busy helping Kibo (who, in my dreams, > looks like the kid from the Encyclopedia Britannica commercials, but > grown up) achieve his dream of being lowered down a stairwell on a rope. You left out two things -- 1. I wanted to be lowered down an Escher stairwell, not a normal one that has a top step, and 2. There had to be blue Jell-O at the bottom. Speaking of blue Jell-O, you can now get Jell-O in the same shape as Freezer Pops, but you must refer to it as "X-TREME JELL-O" because apparently it's the Jell-O that's, like, all extremey and stuff. Because you have to suck it out of a soggy tubular plastic bag. This is one of those food products where the package says something like "NEEDS NO REFRIGERATION BUT MUST BE REFRIGERATED" because even they don't know how to keep it from turning into a tube of liquid the moment you hold it in your warm little hand. As the Jell-O Web site explains, -> [...] the ready-to-eat gel sticks come in an innovative, hand-held package, ...it's a good thing we no longer need to rent a forklift every time we want to eat Jell-O Brand Gelatin Dessert Treat. I demand real blue Jell-O at the bottom of my Escher stairwell, not X-Treme Jell-O. Also, have you ever considered the benefits of owning a truly fine set of encyclopedias? Consult the Micropedia for quick reference, turn to the Macropedia for knowledge in depth, and use the Pseudopodiapedia to look up what sorts of squishy germs live in blue Jell-O. -- K. "Daddy, what was an encyclopedia?" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: A dire warning about my favorite Asian supermarket: The Super 88, which is a good source for cancer. Date: Sat, 8 Jun 2002 01:49:46 GMT Speaking of the Super 88, they've opened a new Super 88 right down the street from where I work. This means I'll be able to walk over there any time I want to bring a durian into the office and forget to take it home right before a long hot weekend. Anyway, I found this message about the other Super 88 (and their competitor, Ming's) on some Web page that had the archives of an E-mail list from MIT. (I apologize for not translating the Chinese parts.) -> The food in Super88s and Mings are not so good as US shop. In fact, -> lots of the food aren't fresh because they are transported here by -> ship. It takes at least 4-5 months. 60% food even more worse than -> what you can get in China Mainland. You know why, those ugly -> vendors(almost all are chinese living in US) come to China, instead -> of buying good brands, they only buy cheap junk brands to make big -> profit from us, who love and depend chinese food. Check out the -> canned food, over 50% are expired. For examples, -> -> very cheap, but the producing date is way back 12/2000. -> -> Instant Noodlessome expired -> -> 񿦜, always with some black spot, which is a good source for -> cancer. -> -> , I have ever got a matchstick from my soup. -> -> Dry Shrimp ()almost all are red color. That means it's in bad -> quality. Good one should be light color -> -> Do you know where the meat come from? It comes -> from the meat which was cut off from a whole or piece of pork meat -> by workers at the meat department -> -> 12(dumpling), which is lots of busy professionals' favorite, -> forget about it. -> -> Soybean sauce, don't buy the cheap one. -> -> Vinegar, the famous vinegar from Zhenjiang(͘12-) the brand should -> be not 12 -> -> The list will go a long way ...... -> -> But don't panic! Check out everything using your eye and mind, it'll -> be ok. -> -> US shops are not perfect too. I bought pork liver from Star and -> Victory supermarket, they all taste much more worse than I got from -> 88. I guess American don't care because they don't have such a good -> taste. Moreover, don't mention american put so much hormone in -> cattle food. That's the reason why Europe refuse import their beef. -> Also that the reason why some american and ABC are fat and dumb. -> -> Last word, don't try to fight 88 supermarket, one day maybe you are -> been killed by no reason. If you have ever seen the movie "God Father", -> you know the reason. From now on, I will be using my eye and mind to check for matchsticks in my soup. I hate it when I go out of my way to buy Matchstick Brand Matchstick Soup With Extra Matchsticks and there aren't any matchsticks in it. Thanks to this warning, I will never, ever try to pick a fight with the Super 88. From now on I'm only going to go berzerk and try to beat people up in Sears, I'm not even going to bring my ninja sword when I go grocery shopping. And I agree, ABC is fat and dumb. NBC, on the other hand, is skinnier than Olive Oyl after going through Willy Wonka's taffy-pulling machine, and has a satirical wit just like Oscar Wilde would if he were a major American television network and not entertaining. CBS, of course, is skinny and dumb, while FOX is a drooling imbecile who eats nothing but greasy onion rings and has to sleep in a bathtub in case of high-volume accidents. -- K. I wish Super 88 had some sort of Rewards Club card so I could say, Rule 1 of Super 88 Club: Don't fight the Super 88 Club. Rule 2 of Super 88 Club: Don't fight the Super 88 Club. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Today's disturbing commercial Date: Sun, 9 Jun 2002 07:58:22 GMT A Nair leg wax commercial just told me: "Say hello to totally touchable legs that last for weeks!" Okay, so your legs will fall off three weeks after using this product. But isn't it worth it? Sure it is. It's better to have hairless legs and then no legs than to have those icky legs you have. Say goodbye to ugly legs, with Nair! From the makers of Tylenol With Extra Decapitation. -- K. Whatever happened to Rogaine? I can understand if men stopped using it because it didn't work, but why did they stop advertising it? Products that don't work need the MOST advertising!