Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: OK, which one of you is trying to kill me in my dreams? Date: Sat, 8 Jun 2002 01:31:29 GMT Gregory King (greg@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > [in an alleged dream] I was busy helping Kibo (who, in my dreams, > looks like the kid from the Encyclopedia Britannica commercials, but > grown up) achieve his dream of being lowered down a stairwell on a rope. You left out two things -- 1. I wanted to be lowered down an Escher stairwell, not a normal one that has a top step, and 2. There had to be blue Jell-O at the bottom. Speaking of blue Jell-O, you can now get Jell-O in the same shape as Freezer Pops, but you must refer to it as "X-TREME JELL-O" because apparently it's the Jell-O that's, like, all extremey and stuff. Because you have to suck it out of a soggy tubular plastic bag. This is one of those food products where the package says something like "NEEDS NO REFRIGERATION BUT MUST BE REFRIGERATED" because even they don't know how to keep it from turning into a tube of liquid the moment you hold it in your warm little hand. As the Jell-O Web site explains, -> [...] the ready-to-eat gel sticks come in an innovative, hand-held package, ...it's a good thing we no longer need to rent a forklift every time we want to eat Jell-O Brand Gelatin Dessert Treat. I demand real blue Jell-O at the bottom of my Escher stairwell, not X-Treme Jell-O. Also, have you ever considered the benefits of owning a truly fine set of encyclopedias? Consult the Micropedia for quick reference, turn to the Macropedia for knowledge in depth, and use the Pseudopodiapedia to look up what sorts of squishy germs live in blue Jell-O. -- K. "Daddy, what was an encyclopedia?" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: A dire warning about my favorite Asian supermarket: The Super 88, which is a good source for cancer. Date: Sat, 8 Jun 2002 01:49:46 GMT Speaking of the Super 88, they've opened a new Super 88 right down the street from where I work. This means I'll be able to walk over there any time I want to bring a durian into the office and forget to take it home right before a long hot weekend. Anyway, I found this message about the other Super 88 (and their competitor, Ming's) on some Web page that had the archives of an E-mail list from MIT. (I apologize for not translating the Chinese parts.) -> The food in Super88s and Mings are not so good as US shop. In fact, -> lots of the food aren't fresh because they are transported here by -> ship. It takes at least 4-5 months. 60% food even more worse than -> what you can get in China Mainland. You know why, those ugly -> vendors(almost all are chinese living in US) come to China, instead -> of buying good brands, they only buy cheap junk brands to make big -> profit from us, who love and depend chinese food. Check out the -> canned food, over 50% are expired. For examples, -> -> very cheap, but the producing date is way back 12/2000. -> -> Instant Noodlessome expired -> -> 񿦜, always with some black spot, which is a good source for -> cancer. -> -> , I have ever got a matchstick from my soup. -> -> Dry Shrimp ()almost all are red color. That means it's in bad -> quality. Good one should be light color -> -> Do you know where the meat come from? It comes -> from the meat which was cut off from a whole or piece of pork meat -> by workers at the meat department -> -> 12(dumpling), which is lots of busy professionals' favorite, -> forget about it. -> -> Soybean sauce, don't buy the cheap one. -> -> Vinegar, the famous vinegar from Zhenjiang(͘12-) the brand should -> be not 12 -> -> The list will go a long way ...... -> -> But don't panic! Check out everything using your eye and mind, it'll -> be ok. -> -> US shops are not perfect too. I bought pork liver from Star and -> Victory supermarket, they all taste much more worse than I got from -> 88. I guess American don't care because they don't have such a good -> taste. Moreover, don't mention american put so much hormone in -> cattle food. That's the reason why Europe refuse import their beef. -> Also that the reason why some american and ABC are fat and dumb. -> -> Last word, don't try to fight 88 supermarket, one day maybe you are -> been killed by no reason. If you have ever seen the movie "God Father", -> you know the reason. From now on, I will be using my eye and mind to check for matchsticks in my soup. I hate it when I go out of my way to buy Matchstick Brand Matchstick Soup With Extra Matchsticks and there aren't any matchsticks in it. Thanks to this warning, I will never, ever try to pick a fight with the Super 88. From now on I'm only going to go berzerk and try to beat people up in Sears, I'm not even going to bring my ninja sword when I go grocery shopping. And I agree, ABC is fat and dumb. NBC, on the other hand, is skinnier than Olive Oyl after going through Willy Wonka's taffy-pulling machine, and has a satirical wit just like Oscar Wilde would if he were a major American television network and not entertaining. CBS, of course, is skinny and dumb, while FOX is a drooling imbecile who eats nothing but greasy onion rings and has to sleep in a bathtub in case of high-volume accidents. -- K. I wish Super 88 had some sort of Rewards Club card so I could say, Rule 1 of Super 88 Club: Don't fight the Super 88 Club. Rule 2 of Super 88 Club: Don't fight the Super 88 Club. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A dire warning about my favorite Asian supermarket: The Super 88, which is a good source for cancer. Date: Tue, 11 Jun 2002 04:00:29 GMT Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > What're the more reliable things to buy at Super 88 or the other > similar markets?... > > What're the best things they carry?... Don, I know that you are a gentleman of refined tastes, and I must admit, I don't think you could find what would suit your palate at the Super 88. However, just across the parking lot, the K-Mart has oodles of smooth, creamy library paste. As the ads say: "Library paste. Ask for it in the snack aisle of K-Mart if you're Don Saklad." > It looked like many packaged foods there have concentrated sugar, MSG, > food coloring and added salt ! What is the Dewey Decimal number for sarcasm?... How might the public library's sarcasm section be improved?... and how does it taste? -- K. Actually, most of the more interesting products at the Super 88 don't have ANY ingredients. I refer specifically to The Aisle O' Bags O' Shriveled Things. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A dire warning about my favorite Asian supermarket: The Super 88, which is a good source for cancer. Date: Tue, 11 Jun 2002 03:59:49 GMT "pete" (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [someone writing in Mostly English wrote:] > > -> > > -> lots of the food aren't fresh because they are transported here by > > -> ship. It takes at least 4-5 months. > > A ship doing 4 knots could travel 10,000 miles in that amount of time. Well, that's at least how far China is from Boston, if they go by boat and don't use that secret tunnel the Red Chinese built from Shanghai to Centralia, Ohio. Typically they don't send food that way, through, because they can't fit too many crates of pickled plums on the spiral-shaped tractorized drill-a-pedes which traverse that tunnel, and because they have to pay 25% of their plums at The Devil's Tollbooth every time they enter the Earth's core. In any case, I dare you to eat something from the Super 88 and tell me it got here via any means of transport which travels faster that mold. To the people who sell those packages of dried lily stems, Warp 1 is the speed of green moving across a petri dish. And science tells us no food can go faster than Warp 1 for a low low price. This is not to say that the Super 88 doesn't have lots of wonderful yummy things. It's just that the market can be divided into stuff which is more wonderful than it is old, and stuff which is more old than Bob Hope. -- K. Also, all cans of Campbell's soup break down as follows: The potatoes are old. The carrots are older. The meat is positively senile. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Today's disturbing commercial Date: Sun, 9 Jun 2002 07:58:22 GMT A Nair leg wax commercial just told me: "Say hello to totally touchable legs that last for weeks!" Okay, so your legs will fall off three weeks after using this product. But isn't it worth it? Sure it is. It's better to have hairless legs and then no legs than to have those icky legs you have. Say goodbye to ugly legs, with Nair! From the makers of Tylenol With Extra Decapitation. -- K. Whatever happened to Rogaine? I can understand if men stopped using it because it didn't work, but why did they stop advertising it? Products that don't work need the MOST advertising! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: What is Kibo Date: Tue, 11 Jun 2002 03:58:15 GMT Andrew J. Zimolzak (zimolzak@msu.edu) wrote: > > Mike Bougie (mikebougie@videotron.ca) wrote: > > > > gracious lords of the usenet, i beg your forgiveness of my ignorance. > > i am but a simple peasant boy without the amassed welath of knowledge > > that my most gracious lords share. please, what is kibo? > > Kibo is the small > peak at short wavelengths in the > response curve of your > red-sensitive cones. > Kibo is the is in E- > prime. Kibo is the > time it takes for a > nerve potential to traverse > your hippocampus. Kibo is the only person who is weirdly turned on by the shape of that paragraph. -- K. It's like Minnesota but sexy! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: What is Kibo Date: Tue, 11 Jun 2002 04:10:11 GMT "Kev In, Boyz Out" (kboyce@toad.net) wrote: > > Mike Bougie (mikebougie@videotron.ca) wrote: > > > > please, what is kibo? > > Kibo is the space between the frets on a trombone. Kibo is what holds the trom on the bone. > Kibo is the threads in a weaving that are neither warp nor woof. Kibo can move at woof factor arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf, but Klingons can only go woof arf arf arf arf. Kibo wins! > Kibo is the central, grow-y part of a clove of garlic. Kibo is what holds the gar on the lick, and the sand on the witch, and the wig on Kirk. > Kibo is the 200 meters of air directly above the top of the CN Tower. Kibo knows the secret location of the VX Tower and the even deadlier Asafetida Tower. Kibo trusts his gas mask even though he forgot to put it on when he was in the anthrax zone. Kibo knows that because he paid so much for it it will protect him even when it's separated from him by layers of cardboard and Chinese newspapers. > Kibo is the dead insects that accumulate in a ceiling-mounted light > fixture. Kibo is the dead TV sitcom stars that accumulate late at night on Channel 68. > Kibo is the instant when the pinball balances on the dividing rail > between the slot that returns to the right flipper and the drain. But > only if you've exceeded the "free ball if you drain too early" time > limit. Kibo is what makes Counselor Troi say "I am sensing evil intentions" in the "Star Trek: The Next Generation" pinball game. > Kibo is sleeping peacefully on my sofa. Kibo's garlic bread is burning, and it's not even near the CN Tower. -- K. Kibo is like if Hello Kitty was all mouth. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: What is Kibo Date: Tue, 11 Jun 2002 04:37:39 GMT "Half-a-buck Dharma" (eagle@agora.rdrop.com) wrote: > > My favorite story about Kibo is of Kibo the tenacious survivor, who was > able to make it through two weeks of realative isolation with nothing but > a modern 2 up, 1 down, split-level ranch home fully stocked with food > and connected to the electrical mains. Oh, and cable-tv. Kibo enjoys food connected to the electrical mains. (It gives the Twizzlers flavor, but it's hard to jam them in the little holes.) -- K. Kibo is the amount of sass in David Hasselhoff's car's car. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: What is Kibo Date: Tue, 11 Jun 2002 04:33:28 GMT Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > Kibo was the original model for the "insert text" I-bar mouse pointer. Kibo was the one who suggested that the manufacturers of laptop computers should add a "submarining" cursor. > Kibo is the nonexistent punctuation on street signs. Kibo leans to the left whenever he's on a street in Seattle's Chinatown that contains the letter "e". > Kibo is the difference between Black Metal and Death Metal. Kibo's eyeglasses are named HECTOR GUNPOWDERGEP. > Kibo is the original 'Papa November'. Kibo can turn common household wax paper into a fallout shelter, or vice versa. > Kibo is the reason ASCII is only 7-bit. Kibo is the reason ASCII is 5-letter. Kibo is the reason 34 cents is 1-letter. > Kibo is why Cathy doesn't eat breakfast. Kibo enjoys mixing Gatorades to make new non-flavors. -- K. Kibo could bother Jack Handy. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I want more Date: Tue, 11 Jun 2002 05:47:05 GMT In sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Some girls may say gravitons accelerate a particle towards the earth. > Some girls may say space time has a certain shape making a particle follow > a straight line through space time and that can be confused with gravitons. > > Some things can be compared - constant speed and constant direction - > acceleration - > going on a straight line - most short path. It could be true they can be > the same or almost the same. > > It could be true girls do not completely understand what is a straight > line. Some girls may say it is the most short path. But girl lizards may > not like that. I have not ever run > into any lizards but it is probably true girl lizards tend to be flat all > over. You know, I've always wondered what would have happened if Albert Einstein and Benny Hill got married and had a son who had Internet access and accidentally posted ribald zingers. I'm still not sure. But, you remind me of the son of that man and Potsie. > Girl lizards may think that a straight line and the most short path > on a not flat ball can have acceleration. Yeah, but, Kurt, I think I've found the perfect girlfriend for you. Her name is... ************ * * * FANNY! * * * ************ (Boots Randolph drives an ice cream truck across the screen, playing "Yakety Sax" on a music box at double speed, pursued by several large fuzzy bears with fur of different fluorescent colors wearing only bikini bottoms, followed by a marquis, a sheik, a fake Keystone cop, various bald men, and Rita Webb. They run around at double speed for a while, then the Universe ends.) -- K. P.S. Super Dave Osborne was the illegitimate offspring of Albert Einstein and John Byner. However, Dr. Bronner (the soap whiz) was the son of Albert Einstein and Kurt. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: ne.general,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Boston 24/7 Date: Tue, 11 Jun 2002 06:15:49 GMT Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In ne.general and alt.religion.kibology, Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > What does this acronym mean?... FNARR About as much as as these acronyms: UNIX, FORTRAN, XEROX, KODAK, KAOS, ISO, ACK, PEZ, KIBO, SHAZBOT, FUCK. -- K. (stage whisper to Don:) DICTIONARY! LIBRARY! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Protolyses of Metallcomplexsalts(Need Help) Date: Tue, 11 Jun 2002 06:23:36 GMT In alt.religion.kibology, "Donald Duck" (morning.flower@gmx.net) wrote: > > Hello, > I have following problem: > (Have written it to sci.chem,sci.chem.analytical - nobody answered - so > I write here, cause here a some cute guys) > > I solved 0,1 M [Al(H2O)6]Cl3 (=X) in water, the ph was3.16. > > The reaction I thought was: > > X +3 H2O <=> [Al(H20)6]OH3 + 3Cl(aq) + 3H+ > > if it is a strong acid => -log0,3 = 0,52 pH > > So it isnt a strong acid, but in my books I cant find a pks[-log > ks](?which > acid?) to calculate the pH. Havent made a titration, because the guide > said its not needed to calculate. > Maybe Im wrong with the Reaction, havnt much experience with > metallcomplexes. Never mind that, there's alchemy afoot! In a TV commercial today, a guy said, "Ever wonder where heartburn goes? Tums goes to acid in your stomach and converts it to water." I don't know whether they meant the acid or the stomach, but I heard it on TV so it must be true: Tums changes all atoms into hydrogen or oxygen atoms. We should stop all other scientific research until we discover the deadly secret of Tums. -- K. I'll start by holding the Tums up to a mirror... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Serious medical question. Date: Tue, 11 Jun 2002 06:37:06 GMT Dear doctors, When you're recovering from the flu, and you're okay except for all that extra mucus living inside your body, and when you sneeze it suddenly makes this big blob of goo teleport onto the back of your tongue, where does it come from -- nose, sinus, throat, lung, or stomach? I need to know so that I can spray blue raspberry Kool-Aid dust into the appropriate part of my body to make those disgusting events taste better. -- K. Also, can you please invent me a bomb that gives the hiccups to stupid people in grocery checkout lines? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Headlines News goofs again Date: Tue, 11 Jun 2002 07:01:10 GMT Anyone who's ever attempted to watch "Headline News" has learned two things: (1) they goof up a lot while splicing tapes together to try to pretend they have a live newscast and not just tapes of newsreaders, and (2) there's no news in "Headline News". Today there was one of those all-too-frequent moments where the newsreader woman got locked in stasis, staring expressionlessly at me out of her little rectangular dimension above a headline ticker that was still moving. The caption "LESS UNILATERALISM, PLEASE" was superimposed on her paralyzed chest. But they held the still picture longer than usual for these gaffes, about half a minute, and then they cut to -- -- a still picture of an orange traffic barrel next to a car bumper. It was a shot from a high angle with the barrel filling most of the screen, just a little bit of car bumper next to it. After about two seconds they cut to a graphic saying "Headline News", then they cut back to Frozen Woman for a while, then the program resumed without the taped woman realizing any time had passed. I'm going to write Ted Turner a nasty letter. I quite clearly told him that he was not to start testing my Orange Cone And Barrel Brainwashing Plan (OCABBP) until after I had seized control of the Department Of Transportation. For shame! -- K. P.S. Boston's Big Dig is really just a pothole we're trying to disguise. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The Divider Bar & The Idiot, a drama in one pointless act Date: Tue, 11 Jun 2002 07:18:10 GMT Today I have a new divider bar story. It takes place at the Prudential Star Market, like most stories involving idiots and plastic divider bars. Female is in line with a loaf of bread and a few other things on the conveyor belt. Male, possibly attached, is behind her. I am behind him. She has put the lane's sole divider bar immediately behind her loaf-and-stuff. He has taken a "People" magazine from the rack and lain it down on the other side of the divider bar, and is flipping through the pages at a speed which indicates he can't read English. My groceries are behind the "People". She pays, takes her bag, and leaves. And her idiot boyfriend leaves. Leaves his "People" on the belt, that is. After she was careful to put _our_ lane's divider bar between _her_ groceries and _his_ magazine so that she wouldn't have to pay for the magazine he wasn't going to pay for and didn't feel like putting back on the rack so that _I_, the most important and certainly least stupid person in the lane, wouldn't get stuck with it. Fortunately, the clerk took a break at the exact moment that the idiot left his "People" between the divider bar and my groceries, so I first grabbed the divider bar and put it between my groceries and the loser's magazine, and then when it was clear he wasn't coming back for it (after about two seconds) I chucked the now-tainted magazine back into the rack. I got my groceries, and one of you folks made me burn my garlic bread, but I already mentioned that in a different article. I don't mind you people burning my garlic bread, just don't go trying to make me buy magazines that belong in the waiting room of a doctor I wouldn't go to. If you're going to try to sneak magazines into my groceries through a clever subterfuge disguised as cretinism, can you at least make them "Skeptical Inquirer", "Cinefex", or that Japanese magazine that's half plastic robots, half women in leather bondage? Also, can you explain Japan to me? -- K. Yes, I know I switched tenses during this story. That's why I could never get a job writing for "People". That and the whole self-respect thing. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: How to Keep Cow-Orker Out of My Fridge Date: Thu, 13 Jun 2002 21:16:27 GMT Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > BACKGROUND > A few days after I began working at a University Somewhere in Idaho, I > brought a sammich for lunch and placed it in the communal refrigerator > in the break room. This is a refrigerator used by my department, the > campus radio station staff, and Training and Development, though it is > claimed by no one among that number. You see where this is heading? > When I retrieved my sangwich, ready to enjoy a hearty, healthy lunch, > I was dismayed to discover that my yummy sammich smelled like Satan's > sweatsocks. I suspect it tasted like Satan's sweatsocks, as well, but > I'll never know. I threw it away and went to Subway. But it was too late, by the time you got there, their agents had whizzed around to your place in their super-secret Subway car (which travels under every building in the world) and fished the sandwich out of the trash can just so they could sell it back to you after gluing two sesame seeds to it to prove that We Bake Our Own Bread. > The next day, I bought a baby refrigerator, about three feet tall and > a foot-and-a-half wide. I humped it up to my office and it's been > cheerily chugging along since then, keeping my beverages icy cold and > my sandwiches stank-free. You are now one quarter of Jean Doumanian. This means that Charlie Rocket will get you fired when he says a dirty one-letter word on TV, and then someone a quarter as funny as Woody Allen will sue you. Fortunately, that rules out Charlie Rocket. > STATEMENT OF THE PROBLEM > Sometimes, the department hosts some kind of event at which catered > food is served. The leftovers often end up in my refrigerator. This I > do not mind, nor do I mind when the department secretary asks if she > can park a half-dozen bottles of water in my fridge because the > communal fridge is full. Though I don't mind these uses of my fridge, > I have foolishly established a precedent for People Other Than Me > using my refrigerator. > > Enter the cow-orker. We'll call him Joe (his real name is Bob). From > time to time, Joe has asked if he can stow his lunch in my > refrigerator, most often because the communal refrigerator was full. > Each time, I've said, "Sure, no problem." What else could I say? I'm a > polite guy, and Joe is an okay guy his own self. > > But . . . what started out as a sometimes thing is on the verge of > becoming a regular habit. This Monday I arrived at work a bit later > than usual and was greeted by Joe's voice as I passed his office. "I > stuck my lunch in your refrigerator. Hope you don't mind." On Tuesday, > he stuck his head in the door bright and early to ask if he could put > his lunch in the refrigerator. Today, my fridge is free of Joe's > lunch, but that could change. It's early yet. > > I can hear you now: "So what's the big dea? You have room in the > fridge, why not let Joe stow his lunch there?" Hey! I've got a brilliant dea! Let's film a game show called "Let's Make A Dea" where at the end, all the contestants' prizes would be confiscated when it's discovered they're all on drugs! > I'll tell you why. How do you suppose the communal refrigerator got so > stanky? That's right. Other People's Lunches and the stuff they left > behind. > > But that's not all. If I'm eating my lunch at my desk, as I usually > do, and Joe hasn't yet retrieved his lunch from my fridge, I eat > knowing that at any moment Joe is going to burst through my door (he > never knocks) and announce that it's lunchtime. But he can't stop > there. He has to tell me how hungry/busy/overworked/etc. he is, then > he has to comment on whatever it is I'm eating. (NOTE: Do not comment > on what I'm eating if you wish to retain the full use of all your > appendages.) Why? Have you been burned by people asking "What are you eating UNDER THERE?" and "Spell 'IMAGE' then say 'LIGHT BULB'!"? Or do you just hate it when people end a sentence with "'!"?'? > Suffice it to say, I'm not eating at my desk because I'm eager for > chit-chat with cow-orkers. > > THE CHALLENGE TO ARK > How do I break Joe of his habit of sticking his lunch in my fridge? > I've considered buying a couple cases of Coke and stacking them in the > fridge, filling it entirely. That would be a message most people would > pick up on. Joe is likely to slap his forehead comically and say, > "Wow! That's a lot of Coke!" then remove a sixpack to make room for > his lunch. I think he'd be more likely to say "Hey! Let's go to McDonalds for a big break-dancing scene, then we have to help get you back to your home planet, just like in 'E.T.', only with even more product placements than even Steven Spielberg was creative enough to ram down the audience's throats! Now hold still while I pile Hewlett-Packard office equipment boxes on top of your wheelchair, and cover you with Skittles! Hey, look, there's the furniture store logo that leads directly to your planet! You've been saved by that logo! Now let's see special guest star Ronald McDonald breakdancing some more!" > So you tell me what to do. Haz-Waste stickers would probably be too > subtle. If he were a gurly gurl, I'd just put some earthworms in there > and claim that I keep them there so I can go fishing in the river that > runs behind campus. (Wait a minute. I _do_ keep worms in there. But > he's not a gurly gurl.) > > So what will keep Joe out of my fridge, short of a padlock? A durian, if you turn the fridge's thermostat to "hot". -- K. Can you set it to "kill"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo stories - Real or Urban Legend? Date: Thu, 13 Jun 2002 21:23:55 GMT "Wonderment23" (wonderment23@aol.com) wrote: > > Ever since my memory can recall, my grandmother has told me many > incredible stories and fables about the renowned James "Parry" Kibo. > I would like to know your theories on the validity of these claims. > > Of such, include: > > [...] > > - James "Parry" Kibo is the one who is responsible for all those > little chunky things found in school cafeteria hamburgers Little? LITTLE? What, you've found a school that has bigger is-it-an-eyeball-or-a-femur chunks? You don't like the genuine Monopoly brand dice in my burgers? You don't appreciate that I spent twenty years breeding the world's largest, solidest volvox just to make you wonder, "Why does this hamburger contain a green golfball that tickles? Why did I make the mistake of swallowing it without chewing it, and how can I keep it from rolling around in my stomach under its own power?" Just for that I'm not going to tell you how the grit stays in the pickles even after they've been soaked in corrosive acid for years. -- K. Oh, and the holes in those White Castle patties? They're to let the farts out. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo stories - Real or Urban Legend? Date: Thu, 13 Jun 2002 21:35:10 GMT "Bill N1VUX" (wdr@world.std.com) wrote: > > - James "Kibo" Parry is an idiot-savant with the "gift" of recognizing a > type-font from just a few letters. (or for the politically correct, > a person with Savant Syndrome) I can name that font ONE letter. Unless it's an "O" in which case I might have to see it in both capital and lowercase. Also, I can draw any letter of any typeface from memory, but they always come out with unicorns jumping over them. This is the result of many years of zapping my brain's right hemisphere with repetitive trans-cranial magnetic stimulation, meaning I keep my TV set really close to my head but slightly to the right. You know why they can't make silent movies any more? People can't draw the hand-lettering in those title cards, and it would be silly to make a silent movie where everyone spoke in Helvetica. In silent movies, everyone talks in Art Noveau, and they practically orgasm whenever someone says a "Q". Always demand that your silent movie contain at least two "Q"s, but not in the same word. -- K. If Marcel Duchamp sold the Mona Lisa on eBay, he'd say "LHQQK!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo Is... Date: Thu, 13 Jun 2002 21:48:36 GMT Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > Michelle Solomon (kes@netmonger.net) wrote: > > > > The ad I saw was definitely shown at a coincidental time... it > > showed the Jose Ole product line driving around selling frozen > > Jose Ole Mexican food. > > THEY HAVE EVERYTHING, FROM MINI-TACOS TO TAQUITOS! I love their beef taquitos, except for the 3% of them that seem to have something other than Grade A or B meat in them. Still, they're way above average for a supermarket product, if you pick out the ones that taste like they rolled under the refrigerator three weeks ago. They're the only supermarket Mexican-style food which is not supermarket-quality but gas-station-quality. I am still waiting for someone to explain why supermarkets have 49c burritos made with refried brown nothing wrapped in cardboard while gas stations and convenience stores have $2 burritos containing actual meat of a sort. Perhaps it's just that the "non-traditional" food outlets can't make a profit unless they sell stuff for $2, and apparently even gas station shoppers are too smart to pay $2 for a really bad burrito, and nobody will pay $2 for anything in a supermarket, because people who shop at supermarkets don't care what they eat as long as they can get change back from their dollar after ever meal. Either that, or something weird is going on. And then there are those "artisan-made" vegetarian and organic and kosher burritos that show up in hoity-toity vegetarian and organic and kosher stores. Just once I'd like to meet the guy who tells people, "I'm not just rolling up these burritos, I'm individually sculpting and whittling them into this specific shape of a rectangular blob! Do you want custom-designed fries with that?" What does a "burrito artisan"'s resume say? Do they have to go to a School Of Fine Burrito Arts? Is it located in Tex-Mexico? Do they learn to make textured soy protein by hand, by pressing handfuls of tofu against those bumpy yellow tiles at the edge of the subway platform? -- K. I observe that there are no Taco Bells in my neighborhood, because many of the people here speak actual Spanish, not whatever weird language "Meximelt" comes from. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Bizarre Australia Dream. Date: Thu, 13 Jun 2002 22:20:41 GMT Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > I had this bizarro dream last night in which I was looking at a map of > Australia and discovered that there was a really, really big island > between the southern coast of Victoria and the northern coast of > Tasmania. I was amazed because I had never noticed this huge island > before, having always thought that there wasn't really anything of > note in the waters between Tasmania and the Australian mainland. This > island was at least twice the size of Tasmania and was shaped like > kind of like a Stella D'Oro breakfast treat oriented with the long > axis horizontal. The island had some kind of French name that I > can't recall at the moment, but it had been heavily settled by > computer nerds so some of its towns were named after programming > languages (Perl among them) and other computery stuff. Most of the > cities, roads and other development were on the northern shore of the > island. I suddenly felt the need to go out and let the world know > that this map had revealed to me that there was this enormous, > Francophone-computer-nerd island between Tasmania and the Australian > continent, but I was so amazed by the discovery that I was all but > paralyzed. > > I swear I am not making this dream up. Attention Matt McIrvin: It is necessary for you to write an account of a voyage to Kerguelen's Land by Tachypomp, as directed by Steven Spielberg. If you don't, I'll tip your house over through the fourth dimension into Joshua Tree National Forest. [2] And, Joe, I apologize for taking out your footnote. Here is a replacement footnote. Unfortunately, it points at itself, causing the Internet to get stuck in an endless loop not unlike the Boston subway system after they opened the Boylston Shuttle from the lower level of Copley under the river.[2] -- K. I'd once again like to thank Clifton Fadiman and his son, Rudy Rucker. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: James "Kibo" Parry's Explanafiction Maga-Article! Date: Fri, 14 Jun 2002 07:42:31 GMT Parties unknown have redeemed an Explanation Certificate, so I'm now honor-bound to explain the references in the most obscure article I posted this week. Here is the explanation. All proofreading has been skipped because it slows down the explaining. Buckle your seat belts, it's going to be a backstory night! James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I had this bizarro dream last night in which I was looking at a map of > > Australia and discovered that there was a really, really big island > > between the southern coast of Victoria and the northern coast of > > Tasmania [...] shaped like kind of like a Stella D'Oro breakfast treat > > [...] The island had some kind of French name that I > > can't recall at the moment, but it had been heavily settled by > > computer nerds [...] > > Attention Matt McIrvin: > > It is necessary for you to write an account of a voyage to Kerguelen's Land > by Tachypomp, as directed by Steven Spielberg. > > If you don't, I'll tip your house over through the fourth dimension > into Joshua Tree National Forest. > > [2] And, Joe, I apologize for taking out your footnote. Here is a > replacement footnote. Unfortunately, it points at itself, causing > the Internet to get stuck in an endless loop not unlike the Boston > subway system after they opened the Boylston Shuttle from the > lower level of Copley under the river.[2] > > -- K. > > I'd once again like to thank > Clifton Fadiman and his son, Rudy Rucker. As I have previously mentioned, the anthology "Fantasia Mathematica" (first published in the 1950s) had a great influence on me when I was very young. It was a collection of science fiction stories (some quite ancient) concerning weird mathematical topics. Clifton Fadiman edited it (and a followup volume, "The Mathematical Magpie". Many years later, Rudy Rucker edited a similar book titled "Mathenauts".) One of the oldest stories in the book was "The Tachypomp" (by Edward Page Mitchell, 1873.) Written in a florid style imitating Poe, it's a scientific romance in which a society gentleman attempts to win the hand of a woman in marriage over the objections of her eccentric inventor father, who has three big secrets: (1) He has stairs that can measure the height, weight, gender, age, and net worth of visitors with different sensors under each tread, (2) The visitors he doesn't want to see he tosses into a pit which extends down through the entire Earth, and they wind up bouncing back and forth in the Earth's core, and (3) he proposes high-velocity locomotion via the Tachypomp, a conveyance involving a tiny locomotive that travels along tracks mounted atop a small locomotive on tracks atop a medium locomotive atop a large locomotive atop a huge locomotive, so that when all engines are started simultaneously the traveller could reach speeds in excess of a hundred miles an hour requiring only a giant stack of enormous locomotives, the bottommost being at least half as long as the tracks leading to the destination. While the bottomless pit is a digression and not the main point of the story, it's the most interesting (and well thought-out) part, and the point we're concerned with is that Mitchell specifies that the other end of the hole is in some godforsaken place called Kerguelen's Land. This is an archipelago of weird little islands at a latitude between Australia and Tasmania (except at the wrong longitude, it's precisely west of the little gap between Australia and Tasmania) suggesting that Joe Manfre's brain is rewriting geography while he sleeps. Kerguelen's Land, which has a sort of French-sounding name, I guess, because it has three "e"s in one word just like "cheese", was visited by Captain Cook during his third exploratory voyage (the one where the Hawaiians killed him), and I quote from an authoritative source (i.e. a Web page): -> Nothing much of interest happened during the voyage from -> Kerguelen's Land to Van Diemen's Land [...] Cook called Kerguelen's Land the "Isle Of Desolation", which was also a rejected title of Lucille Ball's TV series. To this day nobody knows why Kerguelen didn't explore the archipelago instead of waiting for Captain Cook to come and insult it. Apparently the original discoverer was a Frenchman named Yves-Joseph de Kerguelen-Tremarec who called the main island "La France Australe" ("South France") and nobody liked that name so everyone called it by the least French part of his name. Another story in "Fantasia Mathematica" was "And He Built A Crooked House" by Robert Heinlein, where a poncy modern architect builds a house in the shape of an unfolded four-dimensional cube (it looks like a big cross standing on end) and because everyone is too stupid to point out that they're building this unstable thing in earthquake territory, a mild tremor causes the house to fold up into a tesseract and the people inside get trapped in the fourth dimension, but eventually jump out a window and think they've come out on another planet but it's just Joshua Tree National Forest. "Fantasia Mathematica" also included "A Subway Named Moebius", by A. J. Deutsch. In the original version, the London subway system became too complicated and trains started experiencing wacky time warps and trips into other dimensions, but when the story was brought to America (by "The Atlantic Monthly", published in Boston) all the names of London subway stations were replaced by Boston ones, except that whoever did the editing had no clue what shape Boston's real subway map was, so it became this extra-nonsensical story about how a train disappeared on a perfectly ordinary trip from the lower level of Copley station while going to Cambridge under the river in the Tube. (Copley only has one level, it's on a line that doesn't go to Cambridge, and there are no tunnels under that particular river.) My personal theory is that the reason Charlie got trapped on the MTA is not that he couldn't afford the extra five cents to get off but that he fell into the fourth dimension in a nonexistent tunnel, then a four-dimensional house fell on him. The MTA was renamed the MBTA in the 1960s, just to ruin that Kingston Trio song. There are still a couple stations where you have to pay extra to get out, but that stupid Charlie could have just turned around and gone back to downtown for free. One station where you have to pay to get off is Braintree, a city which is full of trees that are really giant green brains, but only in the fourth dimension. (I should add that that's sort of a Vonnegut reference -- in "Cat's Cradle" he gives the penis length of each of the male characters, and one of them is listed as having "a penis a mile long, but most of it was in the fourth dimension.") What does this have to do with Stella D'Oro Breakfast treats, which are awful, perpetually-stale licorice-flavored cookies sold at supermarkets, and seem to be the final stage of what happens to Twinkies when they actually do dry up after ten years? Well, the most interesting thing about them is that they're shaped like the letter "S", because the flavor and texture certainly aren't interesting. So they couldn't make them shaped like normal cookies or people would say "Eww! Stale cookies with bad licorice!" so they had to make them seem like some completely different kind of food. This resulted in one of the most obnoxious product placements of all time, in the original version of Steven Spielberg's "Close Encounters". It went something like this: TERRI GARR Hey, I hear you saw a UFO. RICHARD DREYFUSS Yeah. TERRI GARR Was it a circle, or a square, or was it shaped like one of those delicious Stella D'Oro Brand Breakfast Treats, A Registered Trademark Of The Wonderful Stella D'Oro Corporation, All Rights Reserved, Buy Some Today? RICHARD DREYFUSS Geez, I wish I still had my harpoon gun. In the "Special Edition" of "Close Encounters", the annoying product placement was still there, except that Spielberg blanked out the billboards they were standing between and painted in different billboards, so that people could see exactly the same movie but with different ads blocking the scenery. Plus he added nearly a whole moment of new footage at the very end, when Richard Dreyfuss looks up and sees the big chandelier shaped like a sand dollar hanging over his head inside the alien Christmas ornament. Said sand-dollar-shaped chandelier was later turned upside-down so that Harrison Ford could land his flying car on top of it in "Blade Runner", in a city consisting of hundreds of other recycled models including a building shaped like the Millennium Falcon, except standing on end like Ralph McQuarrie originally designed it to be, not lying down like George Lucas had it. So you see, Joe Manfre's brain tied "Close Encounters" (1977) to "The Tachypomp" (1873) by mentioning both Kerguelen's Land and the shape of Stella D'Oro Breakfast Cardboard. Spielberg followed "Close Encounters" with "E.T.", a movie with even more obnoxious product placements (always feed your alien creatures Reese's Pieces, not M&Ms) which he also recently issued a very minimally re-edited version of, changing just enough seconds of film in order to raise the price on home video. Allegedly he threatened to digitally remove the Reese's Pieces unless the candy company paid again. He did have the evil Apollo astronauts chasing E.T. carry handheld phones instead of guns in the new version, presumably because he thought it would be a depiction of a saner world if killer Apollo astronauts were aiming cell phone antennas at people to give them brain cancer instead of just shooting them the way Apollo astronauts always used to do. He also took out the "penis breath" line, apparently because concerned citizens informed him that he should not be making light of this serious medical condition. And to avoid offending anyone, he changed the word "terrorist" to "hippie". Spielberg's a dope. But at least he didn't make "Mac & Me", an "E.T." rip-off (same movie, worse-looking puppet) with ten times as many product placements. In a now-related article: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > [...] > > How do I break Joe [not Manfre] of his habit of sticking his lunch > > in my fridge? I've considered buying a couple cases of Coke and > > stacking them in the fridge, filling it entirely. That would be a > > message most people would pick up on. Joe is likely to slap his > > forehead comically and say, "Wow! That's a lot of Coke!" then > > remove a sixpack to make room for his lunch. > > I think he'd be more likely to say "Hey! Let's go to McDonalds for > a big break-dancing scene, then we have to help get you back to your > home planet, just like in 'E.T.', only with even more product placements > than even Steven Spielberg was creative enough to ram down the audience's > throats! Now hold still while I pile Hewlett-Packard office equipment > boxes on top of your wheelchair, and cover you with Skittles! Hey, look, > there's the furniture store logo that leads directly to your planet! > You've been saved by that logo! Now let's see special guest star > Ronald McDonald breakdancing some more!" That's pretty much "Mac & Me". It was the first film in which Ronald McDonald had a credited role (as himself), and yes, the movie does stop at one point so we can watch people and clowns happily breakdancing in a fast food restaurant. I was specifically referring to one scene where a kid opens the refrigerator and hundreds of Coke cans fall out (helped be a push from behind, for some reason) because the cute little alien has been somehow making cases of Coke materialize and then drinking them and then hiding the evidence in the fridge, because, as the kid explains, "it's what they drink on his planet". Absolutely every shot in the movie has a Coke can in it somewhere, a pack of Skittles, something that says "Hewlett-Packard", and a Big Mac box. The key plot point of the movie is, as I said, that they have to rendezvous at some place represented by a furniture company's logo, and they eventually realize that this means the billboard with the giant logo in their back yard. > > So you tell me what to do. Haz-Waste stickers would probably be too > > subtle. If he were a gurly gurl, I'd just put some earthworms in there > > and claim that I keep them there so I can go fishing in the river that > > runs behind campus. (Wait a minute. I _do_ keep worms in there. But > > he's not a gurly gurl.) > > > > So what will keep Joe out of my fridge, short of a padlock? > > A durian, if you turn the fridge's thermostat to "hot". Durians are an Asian fruit that smells like rotting gym socks filled with other dead things. In the early 1980s video game "Pac-Man", the symbols representing the special prizes start out as a series of fruits of increasing volume (cherries, strawberry, oranges, apples, and what appear to be durians) but then for some reason the durians are followed by space aliens from the game "Galaxian", because apparently only aliens smell worse than durians. But that has little to do with antique science fiction stories from "Fantasia Mathematica" and their relation to McDonalds, so we'll go on to the next relevant article: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > David Bromage (dbromage@omni.com.au) wrote: > > > > Dear Clown Face, > > > > I refer to your current promotion in Austria named "Spell to win > > Scrabble" in which sticky Scrabble letters are attached to value > > meals, which you have to then stick onto the tray mat to work words > > and hopefully win prizes. In particular, I take issue with the > > television ad which claims "the permutations are endless". > > > > Firstly, normal people don't say "permutations" in general > > conversation. > > No, but scientists do, especially when talking about McDonalds: > "Eating at McDonalds will give you a large chance of having five-eyed > children, but they usually only have a few super powers, at a low > incidence of powers per mutations." (Serious scientists leave off > the final "s" for extra science.) This is a reference to those commercials for "1-800-MATTRESS" where they tell you to "Leave off the extra 'S' for savings!" and idiots think they will get a special deal if they dial one of the two completely equivalent versions of the phone number because the phone company doesn't care at all if you play with the buttons after dialing the first seven numbers. Also, "S" is a number shaped like a Stella D'Oro Breakfast Treat. > > Secondly, if I bought every McDonald's meal over the next 2 months, by > > your own statistics I would collect no more than 27.7 million sticky > > letters. The number of permutations is the factorial of 27.7 million, > > which although a very large number is still finite. And even then I > > could only win up to 21 million prizes. > > This reminds me, I need to read that Kurd Lasswitz novel that's lying > around here. I should stop waiting for Willy Ley to check the math. Kurd Lasswitz wrote "The Universal Library", which is in "Fantasia Mathematica". It concerns a machine programmed to print out every possible piece of text. (Like Arthur C. Clarke's "The Nine Billion Names Of God" but without destroying the Universe.) It was followed by an essay by rocket scientist Willy Ley, who had translated Lasswitz's story from German. Ley showed the readers the necessary calculations to prove that you couldn't fit all possible text (correct, incorrect, and otherwise) in the Universe, but people ignored him and invented the Web anyway. Lasswitz wrote one novel, "Two Planets", which I still haven't had a chance to read, but at least I own a copy of it and you don't. However, I worry that my copy could be one of the ten kazillion possible defective ones from the Universal Library, which would not only contain every possible good book but also every possible bad version of every possible book, as well as the Library's own index and every possible inaccurate index. And every possible index to where all the indexes were, although all of them would be wrong except one. > > [...] > > I trust you will pass these important issues on to your marketing > > people. > > [Insert picture of Stephen Hawking] <--- They must be at least this > > smart to invent their own branch of mathematics. > > I don't buy that. Archimedes Plutonium invented his own kind of math > even though he isn't as smart as a picture of Stephen Hawking. Plutonium Integers were the foundation of Plutonium Arithmetic. Apparently these were numbers which repeated endlessly in both directions, like "...3333333333..." and "...8888888888...", and apparently they weren't all equal even though they all looked like aleph-null to me. However, there would be aleph-one ways of representing aleph-null in Archie's system, not that he'd have heard of that. Georg Cantor invented that notation, and he also described an infinitely fine but irregularly-distributed subset of numbers, which would be the call numbers of all the accurate volumes of the Universal Library, ignoring all the other volumes. Although there are an infinite number of both accurate and defective volumes, there are a lot more of the latter. Also, everything I just said is wrong, because everything anyone knows about infinity is always wrong, and I shouldn't be talking about this because I know nothing about it (even though I know a million times more than Archie, who knows nothing about it, but it's a smaller kind of nothing.) The thing that makes Archie a lot less interesting than he used to be is that he's now coherent enough to be wrong, whereas Kurt Stocklmeir has attracted the attention of the Special Section of the scientific community with his wacky rants that aren't even wrong. (Wolfgang Pauli coined that phrase, but I can't have him and Stocklmeir in the same sentence due to the Pauli Exclusion Principle, which says that bozos and non-bozos cannot occupy the same sentence without the Universe being destroyed before Arthur C. Clarke can do it.) James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > In sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > > > [...] > > It could be true girls do not completely understand what is a straight > > line. Some girls may say it is the most short path. But girl lizards may > > not like that. I have not ever run > > into any lizards but it is probably true girl lizards tend to be flat all > > over. > > You know, I've always wondered what would have happened if Albert Einstein > and Benny Hill got married and had a son who had Internet access and > accidentally posted ribald zingers. > > I'm still not sure. But, you remind me of the son of that man and Potsie. Benny Hill was a portly British comedian who somehow survived the vaudeville era by several decades. He would go on stage and tell incredibly ancient jokes with just a tinge of ribaldness, and then fake Keystone Kops and women in their underwear would chase him around in fast-motion. Fun fact: The word "vaudeville" was coined in a building in downtown Boston. This building now contains mostly a "Pac-Man" machine and a shady characters who will break my legs if I mention their familiar affiliations. "Vaudeville" was a phony French word (like "Kerguelen") made up by a theater impresario to conceal the fact that he only knew performers who couldn't be entertaining for more than two minutes at a time, so it's one of those phony foreign words made up by Americans to cover up recycled leftovers, like "chop suey" (leftovers disguised as Chinese food) and the more frightening "American chop suey" (elbow macaroni with spaghetti sauce served in school cafeterias.) > > Girl lizards may think that a straight line and the most short path > > on a not flat ball can have acceleration. > > Yeah, but, Kurt, I think I've found the perfect girlfriend for you. > Her name is... > > ************ > * * > * FANNY! * > * * > ************ > > (Boots Randolph drives an ice cream truck across the screen, playing > "Yakety Sax" on a music box at double speed, pursued by several large > fuzzy bears with fur of different fluorescent colors wearing only > bikini bottoms, followed by a marquis, a sheik, a fake Keystone cop, > various bald men, and Rita Webb. They run around at double speed for > a while, then the Universe ends.) Long ago, there was a tune named "Entry Of The Gladiators" designed to suggest the pomp of ancient Rome. This tune somehow got associated with circus clowns, as it's now played every time clowns are riding their tricycles around the Big Top. Then jazz musician Boots Randolph composed the peppy song "Yakety Sax", but apparently it was too short, so he pasted in five seconds of "Entry Of The Gladiators". But "Yakety Sax" was used as the music whenever the half-naked ladies were chasing Benny Hill around in spastic motion, and so now nobody knows the name of the song, they just call it "The Benny Hill Theme". And then it got Bill Clinton elected when he showed how hip (and bawdy) he was by playing it on his saxophone on MTV. Either he didn't know it had been co-opted by Mr. Hill, or else he really liked the idea of chubby, randy middle-aged men being chased by women in their underwear, but what are the chances of that? This musical odyssey of the tune from "Entry Of The Gladiators" to President Clinton proves that topic drift can happen in real life, which is why Boots Randolph is not a household name, because his tune got stuck to Benny Hill. And it didn't even come loose during any of those times that Benny Hill got smacked in the face with a two-by-four or the handle of a garden rake. > -- K. > > P.S. Super Dave Osborne > was the illegitimate > offspring of Albert Einstein > and John Byner. > > However, Dr. Bronner (the > soap whiz) was the son of > Albert Einstein and Kurt. John Byner was a Canadian TV comedy host type person who was like Benny Hill except that he was on Canadian TV instead of British TV, and therefore wasn't very good. His sidekick (and producer) was Bob Einstein, who was best known as the character "Super Dave Osborne". Bob Einstein is a nephew of Albert Einstein (the scientist). Dr. Bronner, who sold natural soap with complex two-dimensional patterns of fine print spelling out nutty manifestoes on every bottle, was also a nephew of Albert Einstein. On the other hand, Albert Brooks (actor/comedian) _is_ Albert Einstein -- that was his birth name, he was named after his famous cousin. So I would assume their family reunions would have gone something like this: THE REAL ALBERT EINSTEIN Hello. ALBERT BROOKS/EINSTEIN (thinking he's in that commercial for videotapes of Johnny Carson reruns) WOO! IT'S A POTATOOO!!! WOO-WOO-WOO!! DR. BRONNER POTATO STAINS CAN BE REMOVED WITH NATURAL ESSENE CASTILE BIBLE SOAP! LATHER! RINSE! DILUTE! DILUTE! SUPER DAVE OSBORNE Now I will jump off the CN Tower, to land in this small vial of soap... (He dies. It is not funny.) THE REAL ALBERT EINSTEIN My family sucks. I better finish my theory so I can invent a time machine and prevent myself from being born so that you guys won't be here to annoy me with your relativity to me. ALL Wow! We can make puns about "relativity"! THE REAL ALBERT EINSTEIN Forget the time machine, I'll just drink the soap. I like Albert Brooks (except on that annoying commercial for Carson reruns), his movies "Defending Your Life" and "Real Life" are enjoyable. And Dr. Bronner's soap was good mild soap that smelled nice (I liked the almond.) Bob Einstein, on the other hand, was the equivalent of Ed McMahon to a guy who was the combination of the less-funny half of Johnny Carson and the less-funny half of Benny Hill. James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Somebody needs to give Roger Kaufman some sort of prize for this bit > > in the LA Times: > > > > -> Although many critics have cruelly attempted to destroy it, "Star > > -> Wars: Episode II Attack of the Clones" is actually a breathtaking > > -> cinematic achievement. [...] > > -> Just as Oscar Wilde skewered the hypocrisies of the Victorian > > -> bourgeoisie while providing them with irresistible entertainment, so > > -> Lucas has used his formidable imagination to show us that the supposed > > -> pillars of American culture have fallen into shambles, while a > > -> growing, unconscious group-mindedness, systematic wastefulness and > > -> destructive militarism are rising toward a terrible, inevitable > > -> crescendo. > > I thought Benny Hill already did all that. > > His version was better, though, because he had scantily-clad women > instead of Jar Jar. If Benny Hill had had Jar Jar, Elvis would have > risen from the dead just so he could go around shooting every TV that > ever showed Benny Hill pinching Jar Jar's fanny. If Benny Hill were still alive, he would be playing Jar Jar in sketches on his show. He might even work Jar Jar into his classic "Fad Eyed Fal" sketch, which was based on Benny's incorrect belief that the long "s" used 200 years ago was pronounced "f", a horrible typographic inaccuracy which ruined Benny Hill's reputation for factually-accurate wacky slapstick and fart jokes. > -- K. > > Also, "Star Wars" can't be great > satire, because Steve Oedekerk > was able to satirize "Star Wars", > and he's an idiot! Steve Odekerk has been making direct-to-video comedy spoofs such as "Thumbtanic" (like "Titanic" played by a bunch of fingers with creepy human faces superimposed on them) and "Thumb Wars" (like "Star Wars" except... oh, you get it already? Then you're too smart to like Steve Oedekerk.) He is not to be confused with the brilliant Bob Odenkirk, who is one half of the comedy team of Bob & David (as in "Mr. Show With Bob And David"), the David being David Cross, who once performed (when they were at Emerson college) with Mike Bent, who saw Steve Oedekerk's TV special "Steve Odekerk Dot Com" but I missed it, although we agreed that putting "Dot Com" after a name isn't nearly as funny as people like Steve Oedekerk think. Mike Bent is now best known for inventing something known as Zero Gravity, which is not to be confused with the British beverage known as Zero Gravity, which is an imitation of Orbitz, which is not to be confused with the airline reservation Web site named Orbitz, which is not to be confused with Orbitty, the Jetsons' second pet in the episodes they made in the 1980s. Orbitty is, however, suitable to be confused with Jar Jar. Oh, wait, I just realized that the article about the Tachypomp wasn't the one I was supposed to explain. Please ignore everything I wrote above, this is the article in question: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > Today, for the first time, Amazon.com told me: > > -> We're sorry. We were unable to find any titles to recommend after > -> looking at your purchase history. > > Apparently I have already bought everything they have and their executives > are sitting around crying, in a big pile of money, in the middle of their > empty warehouse down in Brazil. It is in Brazil, right? If not, it > should be, especially if it's the version where Robert DeNiro blows it up. Terry Gilliam's "Brazil" is one of my favorite movies, although that bozo Sid Sheinberg (the studio executive responsible for greenlighting "Howard The Duck") re-edited it with garden shears for television, pasting on a wildly inappropriate happy ending. In the real version, Jonathan Pryce flips out and hallucinates that Robert DeNiro has come to save him and blow up the bad guys. In the stupidified TV version, Robert DeNiro _actually_ blows up everything, and then everyone goes to live in this happy green valley that clearly couldn't actually exist in the bleak dystopia of "Brazil", which has nothing to do with the country of Brazil which probably does have some nice green landscapes, if they haven't all been destroyed as collateral damage in battles between Captain Planet and Duke Nukem (who is no relation to "Duke Nukem", the violent videogame.) > Now that Amazon.com has given up even trying to sell me anything, > I just need to compare my collection to King Jong-Il [...] > [...] "Outta Control" [...] Catherine Schell [...] Lenny Bruce Okay, this is where it gets complicated. Oops! This window is full. Because I've reached the 32k limit of this primitive Earth computer, I will have to start a new article. (To be continued.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: James "Kibo" Parry's Explanafiction Maga-Article -- part 2! Date: Fri, 14 Jun 2002 07:45:32 GMT (The explaining continues.) We left off when I had said: > Now that Amazon.com has given up even trying to sell me anything, > I just need to compare my collection to King Jong-Il to see if mine > is the largest or second largest in the world. Well, what do you know -- > we both have copies of "Pulgasari" but he doesn't have "Outta Control". > I WIN!!! > > Hmm, I should kidnap the directors of "Pulgasari" and "Outta Control" > and force them to collaborate on a movie about a monster eating > Saugus, Massachusetts. It could be called "Saugusari, The Monster > That Sounds Like It Comes With Sauerkraut But Is Actually A Scary > Monster And Help Kibo Has Kidnapped Me." No, wait, that's a dumb title > even for a monster movie that people were kidnapped to make. > Any suggestions? Remember, it must be a title Kim Jong-Il has NOT > already kidnapped people to force them to film. Nutty North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il really did kidnap his favorite director from South Korea and force him to make a "Godzilla" knockoff ("Pulgasari") but fortunately the guy was clever enough to make it a movie about how the monster crushes an evil dictator who likes to kidnap people. (The director eventually escaped to the United States.) The film "Pulgasari" is actually one of the best "Godzilla"-style movies I've seen (featuring a cast of thousands, because it was made by a dictatorship.) The monster suit from "Pulgasari" was also used in some North Korean TV series titled "Geophagus", which I haven't seen. I have been face-to-face with the actual suit in Forrest Ackerman's basement. Mr. Ackerman invented the word "sci-fi", and a lot of others which didn't catch on, like "magabook". He's a great guy, and has the world's greatest collection of monster-movie stuff, but unfortunately he's in the hospital and not expected to recover from a blood clot in his brain he mysteriously suffered shortly after I visited him. I hope it wasn't those Necco wafers I gave him. "Outta Control" I've described before, a "movie" found at a local video store shot with a camcorder during a slow drive through Saugus, Massachusetts. It's a lot like "Manos: The Hands Of Fate" but with more trees going past the car window. > -- K. > > Also, I have Roger Corman's > "The Fantastic Four", if King Jong-Il > has a bootleg of the "Justice League" > movie with David Ogden Stiers as > Martian Manhunter I'd be willing > to swap, providing he promises to > stop referring to Mr. Stiers as > "The most annoying of all those guys > we couldn't kill during that > eleven-year-long war." In exchange, > I will send him Jamie Farr in one > of Lenny Bruce's old dresses, and > the two of the three Father Mulcahys, > including the one who could turn into > the same things as Catherine Schell. Okay, this is where it gets complicated. "The Fantastic Four" was a live-action movie of the comic book, made by Roger Corman (who used to make monster movies over the course of a single weekend) which turned out so crappy that Marvel Comics paid him _not_ to release it, for fear that it would keep people from seeing the "Spider-Man" movie they planned to consider making a decade later. It was extremely bad. I obtained a bootleg of it (which was very blurry because it was a copy of a copy of a copy) and, well, obviously they weren't trying. Of all the movies made from comic books, it's the very worst, even taking into account the 1991 Corman/Golan production of "Captain America" where his only super power was that he could pretend to be carsick twice. The 1997 live-action TV-movie of "Justice League" couldn't have been as dopey as either of those, even though David Ogden Stiers played a green Martian. You may know him as Major Charles Emerson Winchester on "M*A*S*H", a show about the Korean War which ran for eleven years even though the real war didn't. The character of Charles Emerson Winchester has nothing to do with Emerson College, which three of the other people mentioned so far have attended, but oddly, none of those three fought in the Korean War, let alone for eleven years. Mr. Stiers, incidentally, has his name misspelled in the credits of George Lucas's "THX 1138", which is easily the most intellectual piece of science fiction directed by Lucas. I do not hold the misspelling against this film because I will probably misspell "Rene Auberjonois" before the end of this article. In "M*A*S*H", the character of Max Klinger (played by Jamie Farr), a wacky Lebanese guy who wore dresses to get out of the Army, was an obvious plagiarism from cutting-edge comedian Lenny Bruce, a wacky Lebanese guy who _successfully_ got out of the Navy during World War II when he got a friend to sew him a WAVE uniform. Lenny Bruce was quite brilliant, until he broke his brain during his obscenity trial and became completely obsessed with that one moment in his life (from then on, his "comedy" act consisted of reading the court transcript aloud.) As to Father Mulcahy (John Mulcahy or Francis Mulcahy depending on the year), he was played by Rene Auberjonois (that's a good French name) in the original "M*A*S*H" movie, then by George Morgan in the first episode of the TV series, then by William Christopher for the remaining 10.95 years (and in the sequel show, "AfterM*A*S*H".) Rene Auberjonois (whose name is French for "Randy Eggplant") went on to be one of the stars of "Benson" and played the shape-changing security guard Odo on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine", a role similar to Catherine Schell as Maya on "Space: 1999", in that both people could change into stuff, violating all the laws of common sense (how do they change their weight?) and following different rules every week because the writers didn't really think out what these people could and couldn't do. (Maya once turned a pencil she was holding into a sword.) Catherine Schell (who was also in the movie "Moon Zero Two" which had some goofy-looking spacesuits which were later worn on "Space: 1999") is apparently not related to Maximilian Schell, the star of the equally deranged "The Black Hole". There is much disagreement on this point, with some claiming he is her father (although they list their ages as fourteen years apart) and others say they are siblings or cousins but the most authoritative source I can find (i.e. the longest Web page) says they are unrelated. In one particularly wacky "Space: 1999" episode -- the only one that was probably _intended_ to be wacky -- Catherine Schell as Maya was kidnapped by The Taybor, and to gross him out she turned into a character listed in the credits as "Slatternly Woman", who was played by the dumpy, irritatingly-voiced Rita Webb, who was best known as being one of the women who chased Benny Hill around with a rolling pin. One of the non-dumpy women who chased him around was Jane Leeves, who later became a regular character on "Frasier", a show which starred Kelsey Grammer, who was also an inept spaceship captain who rammed his starship into the U.S.S. Enterprise causing it to get stuck in a time loop, but it didn't collide with any of Boston's subway trains or even with Joe Manfre's footnote. I would try to explain why I omitted his original footnote, but it's your bedtime. Good night. -- K. Pleasant dreams! Or, dreams about Stella D'Oro products! ...but the pleasant kind are cheaper. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Is James Kibo good in bed? Date: Thu, 13 Jun 2002 22:54:19 GMT Ben Allard (ballard@wpi.edu) wrote: > > Lisa2836 (lisa2836@aol.com) wrote: > > > > Hello all. I am seriously considering spending a night with > > Mr. Kibo, and I was wondering...does anyone know how good he is > > "in the sack"? > > Kibo will spend hours hand-drawing you the most erotic font ever > kerned in the roman alphabet, and then tell you all about how it was > only used once in the title sequence of the pilot of a 1970s > dystopian space-opera that was canceled after four episodes and ran > in syndication for just one week and was only ever seen by him and > MIT's television-watching robot. He will then try to make you eat > Chinese fungus for breakfast, or possibly as some sort of fetish. If > you're into that sort of thing. wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub wub mwowm mwowm mwowm mwowm mwowm mwowm mwowm mwowm mwowm mwowm mwowm mwowm pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee THERE IS NO WAR. THERE IS NO POVERTY. THERE IS NO CELIBACY. AND ROBOTS ENSURE THERE IS NO JOY. IN THE DISTANT FUTURE YEAR OF 2075, NO CHILD IS ALLOWED TO HAVE EVEN A SINGLE PARENT. ALL CHILDREN MUST SLAUGHTER THEIR PARENTS BY AGE 3 IN THE DISINTEGRATION ARENA OR BE CRYO-VACKED BY THE ETHICAL PATROL. WILL Y*O*U SURVIVE YOUR ALL-TOO-TERRIFYINGLY PLAUSIBLE FUTURE IN... ############ ## ########### ########## ########### ####### ####### ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## #### ## ########## ## ## ## #### ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ############ ## ## ########### ## ## ## ## ########### ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ########## ## ## ## ## ## ########### ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ########### ## ########## ########### ################ ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ## ### ### ### ### ### #### ##### ### ### # ### ### Biform City is a trademark of James "Kibo" Parry for the name of a typeface which is not available to the public and is also the name of the evil world of the future which will be brought about through the creation of this typeface. THE HUMAN AGE IS NOW OVER. -- K. mwowm mwowm mwowm mwowm mwowm