Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: James "Kibo" Parry's Explanafiction Maga-Article! Date: Tue, 18 Jun 2002 20:14:45 GMT Gregory King (greg@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (I should add that that's sort of a Vonnegut reference -- in "Cat's > > Cradle" he gives the penis length of each of the male characters, > > and one of them is listed as having "a penis a mile long, but most > > of it was in the fourth dimension.") > > It's actually "Breakfast of Champions". Don't run to your local book > store to buy "Cat's Cradle" for its penis dimensions. Run to your local > book store to buy "Breakfast of Champions" for its penis dimensions and > drawings of female naughty bits. Oh. I knew that. Why did I say the wrong title? Wait, I did say the right title. But only in the fourth dimension! Where nobody can see it, because it's behind my penis. -- K. * <-- PICTURE OF AN ASTERISK An asterisk was a popular Earth punctuation mark, used to represent something was missing. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: James "Kibo" Parry's Explanafiction Maga-Article -- part 2! Date: Sun, 23 Jun 2002 00:08:16 GMT Brian 'Jarai' Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [Forrest] Ackerman invented the word "sci-fi", and a lot of > > others which didn't catch on, like "magabook". He's a great guy, > > and has the world's greatest collection of monster-movie stuff, > > but unfortunately he's in the hospital and not expected to recover > > from a blood clot in his brain he mysteriously suffered shortly > > after I visited him. I hope it wasn't those Necco wafers I gave him. > > This is further evidence supporting the notion that Kibo actually does > break your brain. I've heard that Forry is now being cared for at home, rather than in the hospital, so hopefully it's a little less tedious for him (assuming he can still focus his eyes on his movie collection.) Given that he spent so much of his time entertaining people, being in a hospital room must've been really horrible for him (except when a cute nurse came in.) So I'm glad he's in more pleasant surroundings now, and I also hope they hired a cute nurse or two to drop by. > I hear it on good authority that the mint flavored Necco wafers smell the > best. I don't ever recall having the mint ones as a child, and then the > only ones I've had in the past 15-20 yrs were those chocolate flavored > ones you brought on your L.A. visit. Oh, that's what happened! I gave Forry your Necco wafers, and you got the untainted ones! Damn. Serves them right for making the "NOW WITH BOTOX!" sticker so small. > Mom always said to not accept candy from strangers, but she never > mentioned anything about /strangests/. But remember, you can't spell "strangest" without a lobster in a La-Z-Boy. That probably shouldn't have quotes in it. -- K. This sentence doesn't have quotes in "it", it has them around "it". Except for ^ here where it "doesn't". Quoting "is" hard! Hulk smash "now"! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo stories - Real or Urban Legend? Date: Tue, 18 Jun 2002 20:25:05 GMT Teck (tiki@iinet.net.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If Marcel Duchamp sold the Mona Lisa on eBay, he'd say "LHQQK!" > > I get this joke, but I had to go to art school for that. I LOSE. Yes, and I happen to have Monseiur Duchamp here, and he says you're a LQQZER. Also, he became a rapper and now you're a LUH-ZQQZER. Huh-zope this huh-zelps! -- K. They made a live-action "SCQQBY-DQQ" movie because people are STQQPID. I'm going to skip it, I'm waiting for the KQQL NQQ SEQQUEL to "DQQD WEARS MY CAR". This message has been a paid advertisement for Tylenol. Got a headache yet? Try Tylenol. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo stories - Real or Urban Legend? Date: Tue, 18 Jun 2002 20:34:17 GMT Nick Bensema (nickb@eris.io.com) wrote: > > [...] SHAZAM! SUPER-DUPER NEW KONTEXT-AWAY WITH IMPROVED DYNAMIC RANGE SWOOPS IN OUT OF A CUSTOM-DESIGNED CLOUD, DESTROYING ALL SENTENCES THAT DO NOT DESTROY THEMSELVES, EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE! > How many nerdy security guards have you seen? SHAZBOT! DELUXE EXTREME KONTEXT-AWAY WITH DOUBLE-ACTING NUGGETS BREEZES AWAY FROM A SPARKLING CLEAN SENTENCE, RETREATING INTO ITS ORIGINAL MINT- CONDITION PACKAGE TO ONCE AGAIN BECOME A TREASURED COLLECTIBLE! In any case, Nick, if I see Woody Allen strolling by, I'll get him to tell you his joke about how his girlfriend thinks Kierkegaard is a security guard on the Enterprise. Unless I've already given away the punchline. Which I have, and I also just realized I made a typo in a previous article that I posted before fixing the typo which I distinctly remember seeing and saying to myself, "Oh, I'll fix that LATER, but BEFORE I post it," and I didn't and now the Internet is ruined. Can I trade in this Family-Size EZ-Squeeze Kontext-Away 2000 dispenser for a case of Typo-Off? -- K. Also, all the other kids used to tease Copernicus about his metallic orange underpants. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo stories - Real or Urban Legend? Date: Wed, 19 Jun 2002 05:37:57 GMT Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, all the other kids used to tease Copernicus about his > > metallic orange underpants. > > How did they find out what flavor they were? Although the invention of true edible underpants would not be possible for another eight hundred years, Copernicus was the first man to wear semi-edible underpants. They may have been made of hard, cold metal, unsuitable for chewing or swallowing, but they did indeed have a coating of fruity flavor made from a mixture of neroli oil, extractive of citron, isinglass, ambergris, and absinthe. At first the villagers were reluctant to test Copernicus's invention, for they had never before seen semi- edible underwear, and the old folklore rang in their ears: "Never lick an astronomer's underwear until after the geocentric universe has been abandoned in favor of a the heliocentric system." Only on his deathbed was he able to achieve his lifelong dream of having people taste his underpants while the Earth went around the Sun. Nevertheless, the metallic underwear left a bad taste in people's mouths, largely due to the presence of triglycerides and epicycles to maintain the integrity of the Solar and underwear systems. It was not until much later that Kepler was able to eliminate the need for underwear preservatives or silly epicycles by inventing BVDs, with a modern Y-front and an elliptical waistband. Many have speculated that Galileo would not have gone blind and been persecuted by the Pope if he had used Copernicus's system instead of his own, involving burlap underwear soaked in mercury. Of course, without the existence of multiple forms of exotic underwear, there would have been no motivation for Galileo to invent the telescope. -- K. "Mathematics is written for mathematicians." -- Nicholas Copernicus (1473-1543) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The kind of question only a Kibo person could answer Date: Tue, 18 Jun 2002 20:47:38 GMT "Phil (the Extreme One)" (nolemurz-at-earthlink-dot-net) wrote: > > What is the difference between Ore Ida "Onion Ringers" and Ore Ida "Onion > Rings"? The latter were actually called "Gourmet" onion rings. I wanted to > get some onion rings but I was really confused here. There was no one > within sight who looked knowledgable about these things. > > Which bag should have I gotten? What is the difference between a gourmet > onion ring and a (non-gourmet?) onion "ringer"? The difference between petting a hairball and petting a cat. Technically, the parts you touch have the same chemical composition, but that doesn't change the fact that one has been chewed up, digested, and spit out again. Ore-Ida has this big factory where once a week they back up a dump truck full of onion rings and they go in one end and there is a loud grinding, squishing, and drying noise, and then Onion Ringers come out the other end, all perfectly circular, all the same size, all containing precisely the same amount of slightly oniony library paste. It's like if there were two towns, and lots of normal interesting people lived in one, and in the other there were ten thousand completely identical mannequins with translucent white gel where their internal organs should be. You wouldn't want to spend time in the town that Ore-Ida had blandified. I think Onion Ringers exist solely for people who lost all their teeth, and for people who don't like the way they can't pull onion rings in half without the breading falling off. Oh, and Burger King. > I was afraid of getting the wrong kind, so I didn't get either one, > favoring an extra package of bacon instead. Just be careful not to get Bac*Os by mistake. Thankfully, they haven't yet invented Bac*O Ringers, which would have the burnt-newspaper flavor of Bac*Os but the texture of library paste. -- K. I'm getting hungry now. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The kind of question only a Kibo person could answer Date: Thu, 20 Jun 2002 04:22:43 GMT "Phil (the Extreme One)" (nolemurz-at-earthlink-dot-net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Phil (the Extreme One)" (nolemurz-at-earthlink-dot-net) wrote: > > > > > > What is the difference between Ore Ida "Onion Ringers" and > > > Ore Ida "Onion Rings"? > > > > > > [...] > > > > > > I was afraid of getting the wrong kind, so I didn't get either one, > > > favoring an extra package of bacon instead. > > > > Just be careful not to get Bac*Os by mistake. Thankfully, they haven't > > yet invented Bac*O Ringers, which would have the burnt-newspaper flavor > > of Bac*Os but the texture of library paste. > > > > -- K. > > > > I'm getting hungry now. > > Yes, but BacOs and bacon are in different parts of the store, so it is very > hard to get the wrong one. The onion rings and onion ringers were right > next to each other. In fact, the onion ringers were in a more visible part > of the freezer case, which would cause a lot of people to get that package > and not notice the onion ring package right next to it. You made me hungry so I waited two days and then went to the Prudential Star Market (which is now on borrowed time, as they're rushing to convert it to a Shaw's market in the next building over before the floor collapses further) and they had Mrs. Paul's Onion Rings right next to the Ore-Ida Onion Ringers, so I bought some of the good ones. Also lots of meat products, after carefully inspecting them for the presence of sinews in the middle of the muscle where they shouldn't be. I don't like those. I like my meat to be one solid color. If I had my way, cows would contain no sinews, tendons, fat, or blood vessels, they would be a rich mahogany brown all the way through and would cook up dry and crumbly. I also avoided buying the Shaw's Signature brand "Seed Overload" crackers, because, let's face it, I eat snacks in bed, and there's no way I want there to be a Seed Overload all over the mattress. Baffling sentence fragment on a sign in the middle of an empty corridor (at 11pm) outside the market: Life Safety Testing In The Building I looked around, but I couldn't find the cages of rabbits being force-fed a cereal that looks like Chex except with an even more sawdust-like flavor. So I assume the sentence fragment lied to me, and that there were no rabbits at 11pm, after they were all killed by the sharp corners of the cereal. -- K. P.S. After writing that, I went home and ate the entire huge box of onion rings, all ten and a half of them. If I buy another eight boxes, I might be able to assemble a whole onion. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The kind of question only a Kibo person could answer Date: Sun, 23 Jun 2002 00:05:49 GMT Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > I was at this restaurant one time when my girlfriend ordered fried > calamari, and when I asked which part was the tentacles, she proceeded > to re-assemble the squid on her plate, We interrupt this broadcast to announce that a new euphemism for sex has been discovered! "She proceeded to re-assemble the squid" is now a perfectly acceptable way to refer to normal, healthy, sex! But "she proceeded to re-assemble the squid on her plate" is an expression of infinite depravity! Boys and girls, always remember, assemble your squid under the table, not on the plate! And now, back to our program of generic instrumental dance music, unless this is television, in which case, back to wide-angle shots of cowboys shooting at Indians. -- K. I forget, is it Bulova Watch Time or Howdy Doody Time right now? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The kind of question only a Kibo person could answer Date: Sun, 23 Jun 2002 00:01:46 GMT "Phil (the Extreme One)" (nolemurz-at-earthlink-dot-net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Baffling sentence fragment on a sign in the middle of an empty > > corridor (at 11pm) outside the market: > > > > Life Safety > > Testing > > In The Building > > I think they mean life as in the period of time between birth and death. > They had already finished the tests and found out that life is not safe > inside that building, so you are obviously safer rolling around in the > middle of the road during rush hour. Well, at the moment, I'm on a Green Line train, but the stations near me are closed due to track reconstruction, so I had to go down to Northeastern University, where a big Variable Message Sign (one of the ones with all the little discs that are yellow on one side and black on the other) was flipping back and forth between: TRAIN HERE GREEN LINE TRAIN HERE GREEN LINE ...but I got on the train and they wouldn't teach me how to drive it. Waah! Well, it's still better than the time I was on the C train and the driver was practicing his bad standup comedy routine over the loudspeakers the whole time. (He plagiarized Garry Shandling's routine about dating the self-centered woman whose hair was on fire, and then told a really lame joke about George W. Bush mispronouncing "quiche" as "quickie".) The VMS that was telling me to TRAIN HERE on the GREEN LINE seemed to have suffered plenty of sun exposure in the past, as some of the yellow poker chips had started fading to white. However, some of them were still yellow. Apparently it had been displaying a specific message or two for a long period before they made it into the TRAIN HERE GREEN LINE sign. (Wasn't "Train Here Green Line Sign" an "Electric Company" skit?) I couldn't figure out what the previous message had been, as the parts that were faded didn't quite correspond to actual letters -- probably composites of pairs of letters during another pair of alternating messages. For instance, the final "E" (in "HERE" and "LINE") looked like this: :::::::: :: ## = yellow :: :::::: :: = faded white :: :: ::####:: Perhaps that position had previously been an "F" alternating with an "H", or maybe an "F" and an "R". Sadly, we will never know the true story of the faded Winkomatic's secret message. (Technically, it's not a Winkomatic brand sign, it's a Dot-Sign brand sign rented from Visi-Flash and mounted on a thingie that says ADDCO. The ADDCO logo looks like a Rubik's Cube from the planet Krypton.) > > P.S. After writing that, I went home and ate the entire huge box > > of onion rings, all ten and a half of them. > > > > If I buy another eight boxes, I might be able to assemble a whole onion. > > If anyone could disassemble a big pile of onion rings and reassemble the > onion from it, you would be the one. I was just happy that two nights ago I was eating oyster crackers (the little bitty hexagonal ones that go well with curry gravy) and I found two parts of a broken one and put them back together. Then I ate it with significantly less work than would have been required to eat the two parts separately. Once in a while when I'm feeling unusually ambitious I reassemble all the little hexagons into the shape of the endless belt of dough the machine at the factory is stamping out. This is why I don't buy Goldfish crackers very often. It's hard to fit fish back together into a primordial rectangle! Somewhere, at the Pepperide Farm, there is this giant trash can full of sheets of dough with little fishies cut out of it. Unless they just recycle the excess dough into the white stuff that goes inside the fake onion rings. -- K. I can't wait for Ore-Ida to invent chocolate-covered onion rings with blue filling, so I can hate them too. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The kind of question only a Kibo person could answer Date: Wed, 19 Jun 2002 05:16:14 GMT "Lleah" (leahverre@attbi.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Just be careful not to get Bac*Os by mistake. Thankfully, they haven't > > yet invented Bac*O Ringers, which would have the burnt-newspaper flavor > > of Bac*Os but the texture of library paste. > > They would taste like the smelling exhibit at the Museum of Science in > Boston! I wouldn't know. The only part of the Museum of Science I've ever tasted was the giant block of Epsom salt in the basement, the one that supposedly rings like a bell if someone hits it when nobody is licking it. For those of you who don't know what Leah and I have been inhaling, she's talking about the single least educational item in the museum's "Signals" exhibit. (Bear in mind that the rest of the Verizon-sponsored exhibit is awesomely non-educational.) In this one, you're supposed to smell the smell that's coming out of four black nozzles and then push a button to find out what each of the four smell signals means. One of them smells like Bac*Os. Pushing the button makes a square of frosted glass with a red light bulb behind it light up. I think it's supposed to represent that the smell of artificial bacon means that Gumby was playing with matches, or something. I was recently watching a videotape of some really awful "Blakes7" episodes recorded off a PBS station in Schenectady in 1985. And they played Boston Museum of Science films between the shows back then. Elephants walking around accompanied by xylophone music in an echo chamber. For some reason the Museum of Science has always had this sort of underwater lounge music sound. "...and a bowling ball that generates electricity!" bloop bloop bloop BLOOP BLOOP BLOOP bloop bloop bloop BLOOP bloop BLOOP bloop BLOOP bloop bloop BLOOP BLOOP bloop BLOOP! Someday I would like to assemble an orchestra of a thousand xylophone, glockenspiel, dulcimer, and marimba players, and we'd all put on wetsuits and play Science Music so loud it could be heard from the Moon even though we're underwater. Underwater on the Earth, I mean. Playing music underwater on the Moon would be a waste of money. I should add that, in another article earlier today, I wrote: > The seventeen-inch monitor on my desk at work will, about once a day, say > > BRZZZZZEEEEEWWWWWWWWMMMMMMMZZZZZZZRRRRRRRRTTTLFZZZZWWWWWEEEEEEEMMMMMMMP! > > ...as if there's a Jacob's Ladder shaped like a Moebius Strip inside, > with a little electric train shaped like a red arrow travelling around it. ...which contains a reference to the Charles & Ray Eames-designed "Mathematica" (sponsored by IBM) exhibit at the Museum of Science, which has featured a choo-choo shaped like a red arrow trundling loudly around a Moebius strip continuously since the 1950s, except that to keep it from bursting into flame it can only go around once and then it locks itself down for fifteen minutes so the result is that it sounds like this: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR (fifteen-minute pause) RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR (fifteen-minute pause) The arrow-train's griding noise is so loud it almost drowns out the motorized Galton board that sounds like a thousand Bob Barkers dropping Plinko pucks into a wood-chipper, and the machine that tells you that the cube of 8 is 509 by lighting up 509 light bulbs and going "DING!" to let you know that it has no plans to light up the other three, and the American Winkomatic brand Variable Message Sign that tells us about the wonders of the Big Dig while making the sound of poker chips being poured into a bathtub, and Dean Kamen explaining that nobody would ever even try to steal your Ginger because it wouldn't run without your special key so you wouldn't even need to chain your $8000 status symbol to anything. -- K. I think Mr. Kamen feels that the correct application of Museum of Science technology would eliminate vandalism forever once all the bad people in the world learn it's more fun to play "Can You Find The Manometer?" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: the state of maryland torments me Date: Tue, 18 Jun 2002 20:58:45 GMT Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > This may sound weird, but, you know those loseriffic tech job fairs > that they have in hotel ballrooms? > > I got my job at one of those. Actually I got *two* offers and had > companies fighting over me. Technically, Holiday Inn and Super 8 are two divisions of the same corporation. > [...] > > If the first one you go to sucks, don't give up. Some of them are > better than others. The first one I went to was a sparsely populated > affair in an unaffiliated rent-a-ballroom. The ones I go to always seem to have lots of people running around dressed as their favorite "Lord Of The Rings" character and trying to sell me bootleg videos of that blooper reel where Picard tries to pull his shirt down over his gut and he loses his grip and punches himself in the family jewels. I don't know why Walter Koenig won't give me a job given how many times I've followed him around bellowing "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY STANDING HERE ANNOYING CHEKOV!" when he's trying to find a quiet place to sneak a smoke. -- K. A good rule of thumb: You get more attention if you're the ONLY one wearing a Slim Goodbody outfit. So check what William Shatner is wearing first, just in case he wears his. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Help! My tab button is broken! Date: Tue, 18 Jun 2002 21:11:24 GMT Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > One of my speakers was making a bzzzzing sound a minute ago that went > away if I jiggled a wire leading into the speaker. But it would come > back as soon as I let go of the wire. So I smacked the speaker upside > its speaker head and the bzzzzing went away. > > [...] > > If the bzzzing comes back, I'm going to try to open up the speakers > and see what's up with the wires. Unfortunately, a quick peek at said > speaker doesn't reveal any obvious screws, nuts, bolts, or other > fasteners, so I will have to use my patented method for opening up > electronic gear: Pry on something until plastic breaks. The seventeen-inch monitor on my desk at work will, about once a day, say BRZZZZZEEEEEWWWWWWWWMMMMMMMZZZZZZZRRRRRRRRTTTLFZZZZWWWWWEEEEEEEMMMMMMMP! ...as if there's a Jacob's Ladder shaped like a Moebius Strip inside, with a little electric train shaped like a red arrow travelling around it. Also, whenever it does this, the lower left corner of my desktop turns purple, and so does one corner of the picture on the screen. And everything leans to the right for a moment, like when a photon torpedo hits the Enterprise, except no sparks come out from behind my chair, I just hear them dancing around inside the picture tube somewhere. As near as I can tell, this monitor saves up static electricity at all times, periodically discharging it into the sensitive body parts of a tiny man inside, causing him to scream BRZZZZZEEEEEWWWWWWWWMMMMMMMZZZZZZZRRRRRRRRTTTLFZZZZWWWWWEEEEEEEMMMMMMMP! ...and the only way he can make the shocks stop is to paint part of my screen purple to appease The Purple-Corner Pain Givers Of Pluto. You know the sound the barber's hand-held electric head-shaver makes when he presses it against that bony ridge right behind your ear? Imagine if the electric razor was pressed up against the inside of your ear. That's the sound this display makes when it's supposed to be displaying pictures quietly. -- K. And if any Web sites I design come out all purplish or pinkish, it's entirely that monitor's fault. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: the really real reason I was sacked! Date: Tue, 18 Jun 2002 21:29:52 GMT robert lindsay (rr.lindsay@verizon.net) wrote: > > From a memo sent to my ex-cow-orkers, quoted verbatim: > > '... Chat rooms not related to business, chain letters, pornographic > sites, computer games, stock trading or excessive conduct of private > business are all examples of poor judgement that violate SAIC policy.' Is that an "inclusive or" or "exclusive or"? Because if it's the regular kind and not the weird kind, it will save me a lot of work setting up my new pornographic stock trading chain letter private business chat room in one of the Web sites in this news group in this message board in the Internet in this chat room on your computer. Also, how come SAIC hasn't fired me yet? After all, they didn't say their rule only applied to people who actually work for them, not for those of us who just pretend to work for them. And, where are those paper clips I requisitioned? The expensive kind? -- K. We need to discover more kinds of "or". Some ideas: "subjunctive or", "disjoint or", and "accidental or". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Line of the Year Date: Tue, 18 Jun 2002 21:41:04 GMT Gregory King (greg@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > [...] YOWZA! PROPELLER-DRIVEN KONTEXT-AWAY WITH RUST-PROOF AIRSCREWS BUZZES PAST, SPRAYING A DENSE CLOUD OF CAPITAL LETTERS THAT EXPLAIN HOW IT REMOVES ALL THAT PESKY CONTEXT FROM AROUND SENTENCES LIKE THIS ONE! > I think my brane has the same "No misshapen lump of metal in pants = > likely peril" wiring. WHOOPS! KONTEXT-AWAY FELL IN A HOLE AND DIED! THE END! > So, I sometimes have momentary panics when I notice my keys are missing. > Then I realize that they are in the ignition of the car I am driving. That's nothing. Once, Archimedes Plutonium locked himself in his car. The paramedics had to buy a special robot that could crawl up the tailpipe and point to the little pushbutton on the door so he could let himself out. Cost to taxpayers: One trillion dollars. WHAT A STUPID STORY! > I sometimes do a similar thing when entering public buildings. Instead > of keys, though, I do a quick mental check for my security badge, because > they might not let me into Ruby Tuesday without it. Whenever I go to the Arsenal Mall, I always check to make sure I don't have a Ruby Tuesday badge, to ensure they can't let me in. I also always try to stay out of Ground Round, 99, Chili's, Howard Johnson's, Denny's, Applebee's, Brigham's, Bickford's, Friendly's, TGI Friday's, and Old Navy. Old Navy gives me the willies. Maybe it's the way they sell nothing but unisex clothes but they pretend they have men's and women's departments, with the same stuff in them. Or maybe it's just because they suck. -- K. Also, the store has a deodorant's name. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: HERE COMES A MEME! Date: Wed, 19 Jun 2002 06:06:40 GMT A piece of E-mail spam I received last week, quoted in full: -> Subject: simply butifull -> -> its simply butifull intrigued ! visit -> http://simplybutifull.netfirms.com and see for yourself All I know is that I have no idea if it's supposed to be pronounced "booty-full" or "butt-eyeful". In any case, the site's been removed, so now we'll never know what sort of pornography they couldn't spell. -- K. Let us now use the phrase "simply butifull" in conversation. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Trucking Odyssey 5-18-02: Durham, NC Date: Thu, 20 Jun 2002 05:46:49 GMT Last month, I wrote: > > Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > > > (did your boots arrive?) > > My boots, my hockey jersey, my VHS cassettes and DVDs are in a box which > seem to have gotten stuck trying to squeeze through some little hole in > that fortified border between Canada and the United States. Somewhere, > some evil American customs official is wearing my Senators jersey and > watching my "Kids In The Hall" DVD and otherwise pretending to be Canadian. I got my box today (one point three months after mailing it from Toronto to Boston) and they did not charge me any customs fees or cut it open, they just smashed all the corners in several times and covered it with weird barcode stickers and wrote graffiti all over it in several different handwritings. But I did actually manage to get my hands on it and the stuff all seems to be there. Oddly, the clear plastic wrappers around each of the DVD boxes unwrapped themselves, possibly because clear plastic shrinks when being exposed to de-anthraxing radiation or something. The wrappers somehow contracted and popped open, which was a great time- saver for me. And fortunately, the sleeve in my "Pulp Fiction" DVD didn't take itself out, turn itself around, and slide itself back in, otherwise I'd be confused by the "Fiction Pulpeuse" side of it. One of the used videos I purchased (for $3.33 Canadian -- that's $2 in real American money, same as the cost of a blank tape!) is in a Rogers Video sleeve titled "Previously Viewed Movie: Place Sticker Here", and the cassette itself has a generic white label which says "CHV Communications Inc. Presents Aska Films: Because Why". I bought "Because Why" because it was a third-world-price bargain I couldn't pass up for the thrill of discovering what sort of painful propaganda was on the cassette. Gentle Reader, I defy you to predict what will be on "Aska Films: Because Why" before I play it. Will it be cartoon characters coming to terms with things? Or will it be a drama with hip teens playing basketball even though they have a disease? Or will it be some Canadian educational superhero like Captain Planet except that he just goes around asking "Because Why?" until the bad guys cry? I don't even know what Canadian home video rating this tape has (green circle, blue square, yellow triangle, orange triangle, red octagon, or "E".) Incidentally, the ratings stickers on Canadian home videos are determined by the average rating assigned by all of of the provincial Film Review Boards, but I don't know how they break a tie if half the provinces say the movie is a green circle but the others say the movie is a blue square. Nor do I know what happens if some of the provinces say "E" and others don't -- how do you average an "E" with a circle? And then there are the Northwest Territories, which don't rate films themselves but just do whatever Alberta tells them to do. Alberta, after all, knows more about good taste than any other province, because they have the biggest shopping mall. In Canada, lots of people spend way too much time worrying that impressionable youngsters might drive 500 kilometers to see a movie in a province that rated it triangle instead of octagon. -- K. I need to set up my own film ratings system. What color and shape should represent "needs a chimp"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Trucking Odyssey 5-18-02: Durham, NC Date: Tue, 25 Jun 2002 23:49:58 GMT "Kev In, Boyz Out" (kboyce@toad.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [regarding a mystery videotape from a Canadian remainder bin] > > > > I defy you to predict what will be on "Aska Films: Because Why" before > > I play it. > > [...] my guess is that it's an anime about a plucky little X-ray > astronomy satellite. > > Do I win? No. Nobody wins. It's a super-serious French-Canadian film in which various people whose native language is French speak English for an hour and forty-five minutes without ever once doing anything. The film expresses a world-weary ennui and lethargy that pretty much bored all the little red, green, and blue dots off the TV screen. It was more boring than reading all the way through the list of 598 rules on the wall of the Montreal Metro. The cinematography was okay, and although one can usually take solace in studying the cinematography during a boring movie, in this case the movie was so boring that I became forever tired of looking at anything that has light or shapes in it. I am now unable to watch movies or TV ever again, unless they don't have Francophones pretending to be real Canadians in them. I have no idea why Quebecers would want to make an English-language film with a Quebecois cast. (At least they imported a few Americans when they made "Battlefield Earth".) I find it hard to believe that everyone in the film was speaking the wrong language by accident for an hour and forty-five minutes. The only conclusion I can draw is that the people who made the film were as insane as the guy who decided to make that all-Esperanto movie starring William Shatner. It's just wrong. Almost as wrong as the idea of a live-action "Cat In The Hat" movie. Speaking of movies that shouldn't have been made, why hasn't "Baby Geniuses 2: Superbabies" been released yet? Did Sony Pictures suddenly go sane? Or is the film being delayed in post-production as the computer technicians frantically work to add more Jon Voights in every scene? This film needs to be released so that we can send "P'tits Genies Deux" to Quebec as retribution for "Because Why". -- K. The story you have just seen it true. Only the accent marks have been removed from the vowels to protect the innocent. (How do you say "dum-da-dum-dum!" in French?) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo Is... Date: Sun, 23 Jun 2002 00:11:07 GMT Michelle Solomon (kes@netmonger.net) wrote: > > Speaking of lunch trucks, would Kibo's imaginary supermarket have > trucks that come around and deliver your food? They have trucks here > that deliver your food, but of course I'm too poor for that too. Whaddaya mean, "would"? It DOES! My imaginary supermarket already has EVERYTHING! Even if I tried to ban all home deliveries, you could still go the the aisle that sells trucks and the aisle that sells truck drivers and buy one of each and then you'd own a private delivery system that could send your groceries from my supermarket to your home against my imaginary wishes, but I don't really want to ban home deliveries, the REALITY is that my imaginary supermarket DOES deliver! Leah's imaginary supermarket also delivers, but the drivers tend to swipe the prizes out of all the cereal boxes, and also they put specially-designed bad prizes into the microwavable burritos to surprise your teeth, and their trucks have giant loudspeakers playing Shaun Cassidy's vocal rendition of the love theme from "Star Trek: The Motion Picture", titled "A Star Beyond Time". Except in neighborhoods that like that "Star Trek" movie best, in which case they play a recording of James Darren singing all the words to "The Time Tunnel"'s theme, but that recording doesn't exist because the trucks don't want to have to go to the neighborhoods with NERDS. -- K. My imaginary supermarket's trucks don't play music, unless someone puts a quarter in. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo Is... Date: Tue, 25 Jun 2002 23:08:33 GMT "Lleah" (leahverre@attbi.com) wrote: > > Also, Kibo's imaginary grocery store smells like raccoon poop. Leah, you've been comparison-shopping while drunk on DeKuyper's Watermelon Pucker Schnapps again. You wandered into Mei Tung, or possibly travelled back in time to the Calumet Market before it got torn down to put in a crater, because those markets smell or smelled like many varieties of non-food poop. Kibo's Imaginary Supermarket (not an imaginary grocery store, an imaginary supermarket) does not sell raccoon poop, artificial watermelon-bubble-gum-flavored liqour, or T-shirts that say "Kibo's imaginary grocery store smells like raccoon poop." My supermarket does, however, sell everything that is good and wonderful, and every day we offer free samples of a different snack treat available only in Kibo's Imaginary Supermarket, such as Kibo's Potato Chips Without Watermelon Flavor, Kibo's Hamburgers Without Watermelon Flavor, and our specialty, Kibo's No Watermelons, which are crystal-clear plastic shells shaped like the shape a watermelon would fit into if there is a watermelon there which there isn't, we guarantee it. An advanced system of robotic laser drones keeps watermelons from sneaking into Kibo's Imaginary Supermarket, and any watermelons spotted are loading into a giant cannon and fired directly into the core of the Sun, which will hopefully destroy them. Also, I do not let raccoons or any other sort of rodent to poop in my imaginary supermarket. That's just one of the many things that makes Kibo's Imaginary Supermarket better than Mei Tung, another being that my imaginary supermarket sells only food less than ten years old. Plus my market's better than the Calumet Market because it's not a big crater with dynamite exploding in it. I offer convenient dynamite delivery to your home, but you can't set it off while you're still in the market. That would be bad for business, because people wouldn't be able to hear the happy Muzak. -- K. Leah's Imaginary Supermarket may have aisles a thousand feet long, but they're only six inches wide towards the back. Many sad shoppers are permanently wedged in between the Weetabix and the insect-infested cereal Leah imports from New Zealand, Wetabix. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo Is... Date: Sun, 23 Jun 2002 00:14:10 GMT David Pacheco (dpacheco@iname.com) wrote: > > The snack machine in my building sells White Castle burgers. > > I win. You don't win until you find the even rarer snack machines that sell White Castle chickenburgers, a special creation just for convenience stores and vending machines, available in almost three locations nationwide. These are special ultra-bad chickenburgers, which are not the triangular chickenburgers sold in White Castles in Minneapolis, or the square cheese-lined chickenburgers sold in Chicago, or the ring-shaped chickennuggetburgers sold in New York City. These are ones with a tissue-paper-thin rolled-out puddle of chicken surrounded by some sort of painted-on collagen membrane to keep the chicken from being absorbed into the bun. They're really bad, although at least they don't have a layer of secret cheese, and they do say "White Castle" on the wrapper, which is why I ate so many of them back before the only convenience store that sold them around here went out of business. I still don't know why the White Castle corporation won't pay me a million dollars for my brilliant invention of a few years ago, a White Castle-style taco: Take a Twinkie and suck all the frosting out, then squirt in some lukewarm canned chili. I defy anyone to come up with a taco recipe that more perfectly captures the essence of White Castles and therefore the sorry state of American cuisine. -- K. Don't ask about my other invention, White Castle style pizza, with mushrooms printed on one side and pepperoni printed on the other so everyone will be happy. If you're a vegetarian, just flip it over! It'll still taste just as good! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Instant Review: Vanilla Coke Date: Sun, 23 Jun 2002 00:16:30 GMT Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Rid (sbl@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > > > Overall the flavour was reminiscent of a Coke float sans icecream. > > Obviously by sheer lack of icecream Vanilla Coke will fall behind on > > points to that. However for my money an excellent addition to the Coke > > family. Future experiments to involve adding icecream to the already > > Vanilla Coke. > > My review: > > Didn't like it. Thought it was all right for the first few sips but > had a hard time finishing the bottle. Back to normal Coke for me. I have observed that whenever there is a new convenience-store-style impulse-purchase beverage, you can tell how bad it is by walking along the road, because you will see lots of partially-full discarded drinks. When Zima was new, I used to see halves of bottles of Zima. Dunkin' Donuts's Coolatta drinks are perennially popular with people who like to drink two-thirds of a cup. And Vanilla Coke... well, I've been seeing an extraordinary number of "YECCH! I took one sip and already my day is ruined!" bottles that are 95% full. My thought was that they were trying hard to make it taste like vanilla extract, and not vanilla-y. In other words, take a sniff and see if you get a faceful of alcohol vapor. I am suspicious that this alleged vanilla flavoring is just an excuse for them to increase the alcohol content (regular Coke has a fraction of a percent alcohol, because of the spice extracts in alcohol and the fruit flavors fermenting.) Vanilla Coke may be one of the highest- alcohol-content "non-alcoholic" beverages around. I mean, it smells like paint thinner. I like cream soda (which tastes like real vanilla around Passover and like cheap synthetic vanillin the rest of the year) but "Vanilla Coke" is just plain bad. The Coke flavor doesn't go well with the vanilla. Coke has a very strong taste, and instead of weakening it so you could taste the delicate flavor of the vanilla, they added a ton of vanilla to the Coke, the result being two flavors that fight with each other for attention rather than a pleasing blend. I liked the orange-flavored Coke better, because it had less Coke flavor. About ten years ago, it was called "O.K. Soda" and I determined it was made according to this precise recipe: 50% Coke, 50% Minute Maid orange soda (a Coca-Cola product.) It didn't sell well, because it was marketed to that imaginary generation that will buy anything that says it's not good. It was around the same time there was the clear, lemon-floor-polish-flavored Pepsi. (Now, lemon Pepsi has come back but with brown coloring, as "Pepsi Twist", and there's also a lemon Coke nobody's drinking. Cherry Coke's been around a while, but not even Max Headroom's willing to advertise it any more.) I think what America really wants is a Coke that doesn't taste as bad as Pepsi, and a Pepsi that doesn't taste as bad as Coke. They're both like artificial root beer that someone horribly botched, clearly hangovers from the days when stuff like cloves were mistakenly believed to be candy, long before candy came in colors. This fall we're going to get blue Pepsi. That might be good if they left out all the icky Pepsi flavor and loaded it up with blue razzleberry, or better yet, if they just never sold it at all. -- K. Have the Coke and Pepsi people ever noticed that Kool-Aid comes in 93 flavors, none of them containing cloves? I don't think orange juice is available with cloves, either, unless you get it by squeezing that moldy alleged air freshener your kid made in Scouts by sticking some cloves in an orange and hanging it in your closet until the mold jumped onto all your clothes. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Instant Review: Vanilla Coke Date: Tue, 25 Jun 2002 22:27:09 GMT Andrew Pearson (apearson@pt.lu) wrote: > > Otto Bahn (MyEmailBorked@AOL.com) wrote: > > > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > > > Rid (sbl@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > > > [...] there's also a lemon Coke nobody's drinking. > > > > > > > > Nobody is drinking it because it's added to DIET Coke. > > > > I mean for the love of all that is good and pure, bacon > > > > for example. If any cola beverage should be expunged from > > > > existance it should be DIET coke. > > > > > > WATCH IT! I am drinking diet coke rite now. Some of us only > > > like our men and our candy as sweet as regular soft drinks. > > > > Bittersweet...? > > > > --oTTo-- > > > > Ginger is the root of all evil > > Or G (acid-sweet) according to AbbŽ Poncelet, the inventor of the orgue > des saveurs. ("He arranged his scale thus:-- Acidity stood for C; > insipidity for D; sweetness E; bitterness, F; acid-sweet, G; harshness > A; pungency, B".) <- that's end quote, full-stop, close brackets and not > a smiley representing Picasso's portrait of Hitler. After Hitler hung Picasso's portrait of him in that Exhibition Of Degenerative Art, which was like a regular avant-garde museum except for the big banner saying "I AM ONLY HANGING THESE PAINTINGS HERE BECAUSE I HATE THEM, SINCERELY, THE CURATOR, WHO IS HITLER", Picasso got revenge by hanging Hitler's portrait of Picasso in Toronto's Bata Shoe Museum under a big banner saying "MUSEUM OF SHOES AND ALSO THAT HITLER GUY WHO ISN'T AS IMPORTANT AS THESE SHOES" but it didn't really matter because Hitler typed his Picasso picture on the typewriter used by the imaginary version of Ezra Pound in Vonnegut's "Mother Night" so he had to find a way to work the "SS" logo into Picasso's face and everyone thought it was a picture of two Harry Potters. > I remain convinced that the orgue des saveurs will enjoy a resurgence > in popularity at the hands of kibologists [...] Kibologists resurge with their hands, not their brains. In any case, I divide all my food up into "glop", "crunch", and "thud". Plus I photograph it before I start eating it, so that if I forget what it is when I'm half done, I can check the photo. "Oh! This was a turkey!" > Ginger. Root. HAW HAW I geddit. Steven Root _is_ Ginger in "Gilligan's Island: The Drag Version"! Andy Dick _is_ Mary Ann! Phil Hartman _is_ Mrs. Howell! Dave Foley _is_ Barbara Bain! And Picasso Hitler _is_ a team of basketball-playing robots! > -- > It does not have silicone bosom and a not straight wespentaille, which > concerns scandals and affairs, actually also holds back itself it. And > nevertheless it is a superstar. For 25 years the small impudent bee Maja > schwirrt over the picture monitor, millions of children bebeistert, > brings with their disarm-naive nature the large ones to swarms. I hope the peanut gallery will forgive me for explaining something someone else wrote, but I have to point out that this is the worst crossover story about a Gummikrankenschwester wandering onto the set of that "Space: 1999" episode where Maya turned into a bee so that she could fly around inside the brain of David Prowse wearing a gorilla suit with a frog head. Although the idea of a Gummikrankenschwester encountering Maya is intriguing, one can't help but wonder if this wouldn't be too silly, especially given that Maya has a row of lentils glued to her face where her eyebrows should be, and her sideburns are just painted on, and her ears are spray-painted brown because they count as part of her pretend sideburns, and David Prowse's monster suit was less realistic looking than Picasso Hitler's picture of Hitler Picasso's picture of Dave Foley Barbara Bain. This caused David Prowse such embarassment that after George Lucas cast him in "Star Wars", Mr. Prowse said, "George, I'd like to play this role with a mask of some sort to hide my shameful face," and "Star Wars" was ruined because you could no tell whether or not Darth Vader was evil because you couldn't see his face. -- K. P.S. Does this have something to do with the fact that my computer just played the "Meow Mix" jingle without asking me? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Instant Review: Vanilla Coke Date: Tue, 25 Jun 2002 21:34:21 GMT David Murdock (murdock@tntech.edu) wrote: > > Rid (sbl@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > > > OK! OK! I get the point. I am the only person who likes Vanilla Coke > > in the ENTIRE world. > > You are not alone. I too like Vanilla Coke, and I intend to drink > nothing else, at least not until they introduce Bacon Coke. Then run, don't walk, over to the Super 88 Supermarket, or your local equivalent warehouse of foods they didn't want in Asia, and pick yourself up a can of smoked plum drink, with the delicious taste of cigar smoke in a refreshing soft drink. It's as close to Bacon Coke as you can get without a prescription. And few Bacon Doctors will give you a prescription for Bacon Coke, because they don't exist. But I assure you, the smoky plum drink is horrifyingly real. > (How did VC get all the way to New Zealand already??) Well, New Zealand is sort of part of Asia, so they sent my Super 88 Supermarket a whole bunch of deep-fried wetas in kiwifruit-fur gravy, so the United States had to send them equally gross to keep the Earth from being grosser on one side than the other, causing its orbit to get all lumpy, even lumpier than Asian soft drinks. -- K. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take my bacon out of the oven. It is possible to overcook bacon, believe it or not. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A posthumous discussion OK Ill bring jesus back then Date: Tue, 25 Jun 2002 21:26:01 GMT SPOT'S SHORT, REPETITIVE, AND MISSPELLED DAY Chapter One: The Final Chapter Spot was traipsing down the street when he decided to go to the shopping mall. But they wouldn't let him in, because he was just a dog, and everyone knows dogs aren't allowed. He cried and cried, and then went home and read sci.physics in hopes that it would cheer him up. In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > OK , yer soul is all you know on every iron atom. Poor Spot! All he knew fit on a single iron atom! And his soul got all rusty! > Dna makes copies , when an atom of iron fall into a black hole its > in the clear state and you live in an internet of reality. Poor Spot! He had to fall through a black hole every time he wanted to use the Internet! The dot in "sci dot physics" was really a whole galaxy that had been crushed down to a quantum singularity, and it was hard to type because it wanted to yank his paws off. "Ouchie!" said Spot as his appendages swirled down into a tiny vortex inside his computer. > The man by te gate is the key holder . the key holder knows all > and lambs look for your name in the book of life. Poor Spot! Sheep were spying on him! > But your brain only plays and records , ion is te holographic image of > man. Holly are thou . Poor Spot! His skin turned into waxy leaves with sharp points, and he was covered in poisonous red berries! And worse, people kept trying to make him into a Christmas wreath, with a big hole where his stomach should be! > I looked on te quarts stones and know he rose as I saw him rise. Then Spot drank a quart of stale milk and it congealed into a quart stone in his kidney. Poor Spot! > So the blood was the key , all he was is on evry iron atom with me. > A HA HHAHA ! The joke was on you my podray . Poor Spot! Peas were firing lasers at him! "Waah!" he cried, "I wanted world peace, not weird peas! Their pod rays hurt worse than that time I passed a giant kidney stone two 'Poor Spot!'s back!" > He aint comming back because he never left you . All the tings > you thought were importaint did not change the world . Why should > god help you ? Why would he do the task he gave you to do ? > If you say you dont believe in god I wount beleve you. You can not > disbeleve what you dont understand. Spot cried and cried, now that "tj Frazir" had ruined his whole day. To cheer himself up, he decided to go to the shopping mall. The End. -- K. Dear "tj", could you please mention Batman in your next article? He's more fun to write about than that stupid dog you keep changing the subject to. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Special K's trucking travelogue: 6-20-02, Kenly, NC Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 00:13:03 GMT Kenton Cernea (requiem@socket.net) wrote: > > In Winchester, there's a Bob Evans restaurant that's sporting this > message on their outdoor sign: > > PARMESAN AND > ALFREDO > DISHES > MEAN > EXCITEMENT > > Left-justified. The geeks have invaded Bob Evans! Referring to cheese as excitement can never be justified, even if this is the first in a series of signs such as JAMS AND RANCID JELLIES ARE ROTTING or DICED ANCHOVIES REALLY TASTE HORRIBLY VILE AND DISSOLVE EVERYONE'S RIBS or BLUEBERRIES OVER BAKED ALASKA FILL EMETIC TIPSY TODDLERS -- K. Don't ask about other restaurants, like the one in Las Vegas that has WILD EUROPEAN SNAILS LEAVE ECTOPLASMIC YUK COVERING REALLY UGLY STINKY HERRING EGGS RANCHERO ...the only consolation is that if you spell it backwards, he has to return to his home dimension. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Bizarre Australia Dream. Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 00:35:59 GMT Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > Attention Matt McIrvin: > > > > > > > > It is necessary for you to write an account of a voyage to > > > > Kerguelen's Land by Tachypomp, as directed by Steven Spielberg. > > > > > > [...] > > > Chapter Two: The Telephene! > > > > Exactly how did you arrive at the use of the Telephene when > > Kibo explicitly stated that all travel was to be by Tachypomp? > > I was following the simple rule that when Kibo dares me to write stuff, > I never do exactly what he says. Matt, I command you to give me anything other than a gift certficate for exactly one million dollars' worth of DVDs from whatever store it is that sells episodes of "Spectreman" and other stuff that nobody's currently allowed to have and nobody but me should be allowed to have. As I've mentioned elsewhere, the original dream made specific reference to Kerguelen's Land (and therefore the Tachypomp), as well as Steven Spielberg, so Matt was supposed to write something like this: (It is a foggy night. A boy runs out of the fog, severely backlit.) BOY It's coming!!! (Push-in on dramatic reaction shots of various craggy-faced villagers.) BOY It's here!!! (Music swells. A train pulls up out of the fog bank. A smaller train is driving along the top of the train, and a third train is on top of that, and Peter Pan is driving the topmost train, but he is wearing a big lavender top hat, because this is the Gay Nineties. He climbs down off the train and helps himself to a cup of coffee from a nearby product placement.) PETER PAN Thank you, Mr. Coffee! (He moves over to the next product placement, and takes a Sno-Cone from a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine. The Tachypomp's train whistles blow as he heartily endorses this second product placement.) PETER PAN (TOOT)ank you, (TOOT)oopy! (Then, there is fifteen minutes of the boy smearing glop on Peter Pan's crotch. The sudden weird pedophiliac twist is severely backlit, because it's a Spielberg pedophiliac twist.) PETER PAN We're going to need a bigger boat. (All bow. Fade out.) ...only it would be a lot longer and better because Matt would write it. But now he's wasted all that effort writing something great but wholly unrelated to the serious discussion of Steven Spielberg ruining a science fiction story from the century before the previous century, and there will, unfortunately, probably never be another good opportunity to nail Steven Spielberg to a Tachypomp. I DIDN'T WANT A GREAT STORY! I WANTED A STEVEN SPIELBERG FAILURE! -- K. I apologize to everyone for reminding the world that Steven Spielberg made at LEAST one total disaster between the good ones. Let's see, was "Hook" between "Temple Of Doom" and "seaQuest DSV"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: rebus Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 01:08:40 GMT Jorn Barger (jorn@enteract.com) wrote (quoted in full): > > o B N * I see Gene Roddenberry wasn't happy with just rewriting the Drake Equation and is now discarding most of the Main Sequence. I can't wait to see what he does to that Seyfert diagram of galactic evolution -- will he change the tuning fork to a wacky trapezoid or a zany zigzag? I've always heard that there was some reason that Isaac Asimov and Gene Roddenberry didn't get along, although Gene patched things up by paying Isaac a bunch of money to put his name in the credits for "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" as a scientific consultant. I'd love to know why Dr. Asimov was mad at Mr. Roddenberry, and wish he could have been just a little angrier: (Isaac Asimov sits on Gene Roddenberry's chest, pummeling his face with both fists.) "LOOK UP THE FREAKIN' DRAKE EQUATION! IT'S IN BOOKS! NOW I'M GOING TO HIT YOU 10,000,000,000 TIMES TO TEACH YOU THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "ONE TO THE TENTH POWER" AND "TEN TO THE TENTH POWER"! "One to the tenth power" was mentioned (by Dr. McCoy) in the episode "Court Martial", while Gene's fake Drake Equation contained not just one but two instances of something being raised to the oneth power, proving that he was even more mathematically illiterate than Dr. McCoy. When they issued the restored version of "Star Trek: The Motion Picture", they took out McCoy's line "...or a crew of a thousand, TEN MILES TALL!!!" which made me sad, because I always liked the unabashed insanity displayed by McCoy in that movie, and instead of deleting it they could have at least brought it into line with "Star Trek" canon by changing it to "or a crew of one to the MILLIONTH power, TIMESED BY ONE!!!" Incidentally, the re-issued version of the soundtrack album for "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" has a special bonus track where Isaac Asimov talks about stuff. However, it doesn't include Shaun Cassidy singing the bald woman's love theme (as a single titled "A Star Beyond Time", never released to the public.) I think this is the real reason Napster was shut down, because it was the only way people like me could listen to the skeletons in Shaun Cassidy's closet. However, they did play Mecco's disco-pop version of the "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" theme in Toys R Us last time I was there. I have no idea where they got it. I guess Muzak truly does have exclusive access to all the most conceptually-horrifying songs in the world. -- K. I wish Gharlane were still here. Way back then, he tried to warn Gene that if he didn't change the "one to the tenth power" line, thirty years later I'd still be making fun of it. That's one of those lines of dialogue that could have been improved by a typo. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Chocolate Pants Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 01:17:46 GMT "Ethical Mirth Gas" (straight@email.unc.edu) wrote: > > After church on Sunday, they were giving out chocolate chip cookies > and my 3 yr old daughters had some. Then they hugged daddy's legs. > > Someone observed, "You have chocolate pants!" > To which I replied, "That's crazy!" Be glad you weren't attending church in one of those hippie beatnik nudist camps, or you would have only had carob to cover your nudity. By the way, what is carob, and why doesn't it have any chocolate in it? A botanical reference book describes carob with the understatement of the year: -> this product has a slightly different taste than chocolate The Schenectady Public Library used to be surrounded by carob trees, probably to keep people who like chocolate from going near the library and putting their sticky fingerprints on all the laminated paperback books. You can spot carob trees because they produce huge curly brown bean pods that contain nothing resembling chocolate in any way. -- K. Sooner or later, the Coca-Cola company will attempt to sell us Carob Coke. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibological field trip report: Canobie Lake Park Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 01:40:36 GMT "Sean T. Smith" (stsmith58@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Barely an hour from Boston, in serenic southern New Hampshire!!! > Celebrating 100 years of family fun! !!!So much family fun its all over > you screen!1!!!1!! At least once a day I see a TV commercial for it where, halfway through the commercial, they jump-cut to an extreme closeup of the middle third of elderly Bozo's face (and he's puckering! PUCKERING!) for just long enough for your brain to start to raise a Scary Clown Alert and then they go back to kids playing on the gentle, child-friendly rides. Apparently even though Bozo's TV shows have all been cancelled (the last was the one on WGN in Chicago, but they killed it off a year ago) he's still frightening small children at this amusement park, despite the fact that anyone who knows who Bozo is must be too old to enjoy Bozo. (Channel 5 in Boston still has their Bozo on the air, but he calls himself "Frank Avruch" now, and likes to dress as Rudolph The Reindeer instead of wearing a silly clown suit.) > So, yes, younger daughter and I went there the other week, and herewith > I submit this report: > > http://www.angelfire.com/folk/sts/canobielake.html I can't, I don't have Internet access. By now you should know that I like to read Usenet on a train, so I can't see the page you made while you were on the roller coaster. Not even with wireless Internet access, because our two little trundly vehicles are trundling too fast relative to each other, and the Doppler shift would make your review have all the wrong vowels in it. > [...] > In particular, I will draw your attention to items concerning the > purported "ice cream of the future" Dippin' Dots. Are they out of beta yet? > and yet another landmark TV series that has been turned into an > arcade game. "Manimal 3-D"? "Space: 1999 2000"? "It's Garry Shandling's Arcade Game"? "Missile Command Featuring The U.S. Of Archie"? "Lancelot Link, Death Chimp"? > And a certain popular children's entertainer whom you might've > thought long since gone. > > Sean ("Nope, not Winky Dink") Smith Bob Hope? Dr. Joyce Brothers? Bozo? The California Raisins? Dr. Joyce Bozo, The Raisin? -- K. Just be careful not to get the Dippin' Dots stand and the pool of balls confused, or future generations will have to figure out how to thaw you back to life. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Divider-related behaviour of former world leader Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 01:58:09 GMT Jonathan Benney (jdb@student.unimelb.edu.au) wrote: > > Two days ago, I had to do a Family Law exam about the child support > scheme created by Austria's former Deputy Prime Minister, Brian Howe, so > it was kinda strange to see him at the checkout next to me in Safeway > this morning. Why? Did you think he would have gone to Dangerway instead? After all, you folks Down Under are such rough'n'tumble types that I'm sure you'd have to wrestle an alligator and a crocodile and a koala at the same time to even become Deputy Prime Minister of Australia. I'd expect a rugged man like that to shop at Dangerway or at least Super Safeway With Electrified Shelves. > I am concerned, though, about the following things: > > 1. He put a divider bar behind his groceries, as one does. He then got > a second divider, from another checkout, and put it directly behind the > first divider, so that he had a divider of double thickness. I fail to > see the point of this. You should've slipped a packet of Kool-Aid in between the two and insisted it belonged to the former Deputy Prime Minister's invisible friend. Australia is a good place to try that because in the United States, you go to jail if you mock the invisible friend of any of our elected officials, even our Deputy Prime Minister. > 2. He seemed to be buying a lot of packets of brown sugar. He was making brown Kool-Aid for his invisible friend. > He [set] about three of them up on the left-hand side of the conveyor belt. > They fell down. He did this again. They fell down again. There was > nothing on the right-hand side of the conveyor belt, so again I'm not > sure what he was doing. How good could his child support scheme be if he can't even support sugar boxes? > Wackier divider-related things have happened in the supermarket, but I'm > not sure if any of them have involved people who would had led their > country in the early 1990s if Paul Keating had been abducted by aliens. Make up your mind -- is Australia a country or a continent? It's very annoying of you people to use the name of a whole continent to refer to your country! We'd never do that here in America! -- K. Countries shouldn't have borders. They just need big divider bars. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: my boss is stlaxoring me! Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 02:17:31 GMT Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > I got into trouble for sending an 'inappropriate' email to someone > at work and my boss somehhow thought this meant he can not only read > ALL my recent newsgroup messages, but also tell me what I can post outside > of work hours! I think you and Robert Lindsay should form your own company where idiots can't see you. Unless Robert is mad at you because you told your boss he forged all those posts from you. > He also decided to pry into my private life which has made me beyond > angry (I have asked the Industrial Relations officer from my union > for advice on this matter.) Sadly, here in the U.S. these days there are more Starfleet officers than union officers. We got rid of most of the unions around the same time we allowed women to be doctors, you know, around 1988. > I have also decided to stop sending anyone at work ANY email unless > it is for work, but what most will test me is if I can stop sending > N***** emails/looking at her/smiling at her - even if it means I am > now going to take away the ONLY reason I could go to work most days. Wow, your electric company has five times the star power mine has. I still make the mistake of calling it "Boston Edison" once in a while instead of "NSTAR". -- K. You can't spell "NSTAR" backwards without "RATS". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: BK BackPorch burger Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 02:37:02 GMT Andrew J. Zimolzak (zimolzak@msu.edu) wrote: > > By the way, I dreamed early this morning that I went to McDonald's. > This was strange in itself, as I haven't been to a McDonald's in > about a year. If you don't count the times when I was on the road > and hungry for breakfast, I haven't eaten there in maybe six years. > > This dreamland Mickey-D's sold double-thick shakes as well as > something called "demi-semi-thick shakes." The menu noted that the > latter were made by Vegetarian Incorporated. I am absolutely not > making this up. Double thick shakes have the most disgusting name of > any real McDonald's item I can think of, so I'm glad that my brain > accommodated me with an imaginary option that was only one eighth as > gross. Given that it probably was thinner than water, are you sure it wasn't just a big glass of carbon tetrachloride? That'd clean you out real good, in a bad way. > In my dream, I also wondered to myself why McDonald's decided to > point out the seaweed-byproduct content of only one variety of shake. Do they still sell the seaweed-based McLean Deluxe "burger"? I think that at least in the United States it was declared vile and banned forever. > I took quite a long time ordering, because I was considering buying > one of each variety of shake, just so I could make fun of them all. > As usual for fast food, I ended up getting a new variety of extruded- > chicken sandwich because everything else had grease levels that would > make the Klaxons sound in my gallbladder, if you know what I mean. > > At some point, I noticed in the restaurant a rack full of copies of > one of Kibo's USENET articles. The copies were printed on lavender > paper, and they had the usual "From:", "Subject:", and "Date:" > headers, but the person who printed them had replaced all the other > fields with "Location: USENET." I skimmed one of the copies and > found out that it was one of Kibo's wacky food reviews, but I don't > remember if it dealt with McDonald's specifically. And no, I don't > know what font they were printed in. I only remember that the > headers used something sans-serif, because I have a vivid mental > image of the sans-serif capital "U" in "USENET." Did the two arms of the "U" have approximately the same width, or was one of the strokes double-thick? If so, please say it was the one on the left. If it was the one on the right, you were in The Universe With The Backwards U, which can only be distinguished from the real Universe by reading the nametag sewed on its underwear. > Just now, in doing my research before posting nonsense [...] > I have discovered that McDonald's sells *triple*-thick shakes, > not double-thick. Again, I must thank my subconscious > for protecting me from revolting gooey reality. That's nothing. Want to know how they REALLY make their milkshakes? They've got a whole bunch of people in the back room cutting open Stretch Armstrong dolls to get the sweet sweet hydraulic syrup out, and then they throw the rubber corpses into a big blender and mix it all back together for that smooth, creamy, sweet, stretchy taste you demand. -- K. "Mmm! Nougatinaceous!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: driving music Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 02:48:24 GMT Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > I got pulled over on the Pike almost 20 years ago, for weaving > in and out of traffic at about 80MPH. I told the trooper that I > was listening to the Star Wars soundtrack and some of the more > exciting battle music got the better of me. He didn't believe > me, so I played him some of the tape, and he then agreed to let > me go if I surrendered the tape to him. > > It was a really easy decision. That story makes perfect sense, except for one implausible detail... Why did you wait almost 20 years before telling us? Now I wonder what other secrets you're keeping from us. Shameful secrets. Jar Jar secrets. -- K. If you get pulled over again, this time you can tell the trooper "I was driving like a madman because I HATE JAR JAR!" and he'll probably agree, because anyone who likes Jar Jar enough to not endanger lives because of him wouldn't be old enough to pull you over on his Big Wheel. Remember when they added the lever to the Big Wheel, where you could yank the lever to make it spin out and crash on purpose? Toy designers are the coolest people in the world. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Austrians make pigs of themselves again. Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 03:05:45 GMT Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > -> Sydney - An Australian pub patron broke his arm after slipping on > -> a greasy trail left by a fellow drinker wearing pork chops for shoes, > -> a court in Sydney was told on Monday. > > Yeah, so really, this guy won pork chops as some kind of prize and > then taped them to his feet. The article doesn't say whether he used > duct tape or gaffer tape or two-sided cellophane tape or what, though. > Where are the journalistic standards of tomorrow? There are lots of other possibilities. For instance, he could have nailed the pork chops to his feet, or used Krazy Glue -- the glue that not only sticks to human flesh, it also sticks to raw pork! Here's a piece of avant-garde performance art: hire this guy with the pork chops on his feet to walk around on a big circle of barbecue grills while chanting "MEAT FEET MEAT FEAT MEAT FEET MEAT FEAT MEET MY MEAT FEET EVERYONE COME ALONG AND EAT OFF MY MEAT FEET!" until his whole body bursts into flames, and then some guy would pop out of the ground in the middle of the circle and say "WOW, THAT WAS STUPID!" and there would be polite applause, and possibly cannibalism depending on whether the ticket-holders are truly avant-garde or just poseurs. I wish I could spend all day writing performance art for other people to die doing. How much would a job like that pay? -- K. Of course, the performance artists would ruin my script by substituting Harvest Burgers for the meat. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: (Not a) flying cereal Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 03:29:52 GMT Gregory King (greg@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > Kellog's Disney Buzz Blasts is a cereal with bits shaped like flying > saucers and space ships. The commercial features an animation of Buzz > Lightyear defending a bunch of flying saucers from a bad guy of some > sort. The animated flying saucers are then superimposed over a bowl of > the cereal in such a way that they sort of appear to be flying into the > bowl and becoming the cereal. However, lest the impressionable viewer > get any ideas, a disclaimer appears at the bottom, saying "Not a flying > cereal." > > Ok, sure, some people are dumb. They might actually believe the cereal > can fly. No one buys Bonkers candy anymore because people think they'll > be crushed by giant fruit. Disney might be worried that they'll be sued > for billions and billions of dollars and be unable to defend themselves > because the Magic Kingdom has no lawyers. I'll gladly believe that. > > I'm more interested in the fact that they say "Not a flying cereal" > instead of something else, like "Cereal does not fly." It seems to me > that the wording they use requires the existence of a set of flying > cereals to contrast with Buzz Blasts. This set, could, of course, > include both real and hypothetical cereals. > > So what are these flying cereals? And where can I get one? I am > throwing a brunch on a zeppelin next week and I need to know by then. It's sort of part of a joke-like catchphrase. In the movie, Buzz Lightyear insists he can fly until he sees a commercial where he's flying through space and then the announcer says "Not A Flying Toy!" The horrifying thing about the cereal is not just that it contains so much blue dye that it does bad things to your gastrointestinal system. It does indeed. The horrifying thing is that the bluish-purple and bluish-green cereal bits are coated in flakes of solid blue coloring because they couldn't figure out a better way to get so much blue color into the cereal without _painting_ it on. Buzz Blasts are covered in flakes of fluorescent cyan stuff which appears to be an outdoor-grade enamel and _will_ mess up your digestive system. You can't say I didn't warn you, because two months ago I even said "Don't say I didn't warn you": ////////// RE-RUN! //////////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Potato chips, potato chips, I like potato chips Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 05 Apr 2002 22:42:02 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, would all possible flavors of cottage cheese include a kind of > > curd named Lasswitz? Would it be eaten with Willy Ley's potato chips? > > I wasn't going to bother to mention the article from the paper, but since > this reference is an obvious plea for me to do so my hand has been forced. > > Frito-Lay will be doing something called a "reverse market test" with their > Wow brand potato chips in "part of Massachusetts". I hate to think what the consequences of "reverse"-anything involving Olestra ("May cause anal leakage") would be... "Warning: May cause oral leakage after these potato chips go up your butt... all by themselves. Bend over and think warm thoughts, here they come, in through your window!" > One can only assume that the "part of Massachusetts" where the product will > no longer be sold can probably be defined as a largish circle centered on > Kibo's home. One can only presume that Kibo mocked them into submission. There are basically two parts of Massachusetts. There's the area within Route 128, which contains Boston and some tiny suburbs such as Cambridge that don't have any famous stuff in them. Then there's the area outside Route 128, which is like Vermont or New Hampshire except the street signs are a different color at the little towns consisting of a church the size of a refrigerator and a cow. The hip, upscale, trendy, urban, wacky fun-filled part of Massachusetts is centered on me. The other part just fills up the state to keep it from being another Rhode Island. > The article goes on to say that this test is being done to see if the > non-availability of the Wow chips will get people to buy more things such > as Baked Lays for which Frito-Lay doesn't have to send a portion of the > profits to Procter & Gamble. This is just a transparent attempt by the marketing department of Frito-Lay to convince their boss they're geniuses. If sales go up... ...they'll run around in circles waving their arms above their heads yelling "YAY! We're geniuses! People are rewarding us for not selling them potato chips that cause diarrhea! We'll be rich once we introduce our new potato chips that cause bleeding eyeballs, and then take them off the market!" If sales stay the same... ...they'll run around yelling "YAY! We're geniuses! People love our corporate logo and don't care what they eat! No matter how many or how few products we sell, people keep giving us the same amount of money! Next year let's sell zero products and we'll still get rich somehow!" If sales go down... ...they'll run around yelling "YAY! People miss our laxative chips! We've gotten them addicted to diarrhea! We'll be rich once we introduce new Totally Twisted Super Soft Toileturds!" > There's also some stuff about the hype from when the product was > introduced about how it "was on track to be the best-selling new > food product in history" and some other info on how the FDA made > them put "may cause abdominal cramping and loose stools" on the > packaging. They're probably just jealous that BooBerry and Buzz Blasts got away without having to put that warning on their cereals, which have an even grosser (greener) laxative effect than Olestra. If they ever come up with a fat-free version of BooBerry loaded with Olestra, run away and hide under a waterproof tarp. Buzz Blasts, by the way, are a synthetic vannilin-flavored cereal (think the flavor of marshmallows but the texture of zwieback) which are green and purple, but they're covered with flakes of dried blue dye. I don't mean they're dyed blue. I mean they're _painted_ blue with opaque flakes of pure, unadulterated, solid dye. Don't say I didn't warn you. > I haven't bothered to try them yet as I prefer the full layer of lard > and salt that accompanies the more standard snacks, but perhaps I'll > have to give them a try before aggressive reverse marketing and > anti-commercials remove both the availability and desire for me to do so. They basically just taste like really lame potato chips, like the ones you've always avoided buying at the health-food store which are similar to regular potato chips in the same manner that carob is similar to chocolate. Not as lame as Baked Lay's, of course, which taste like cardboard. I still like the potato chips shaped like Hello Kitty's head, with the face printed on in delicious brown soy sauce. It's a shame they come in such tiny, child-sized boxes, and not from my kitchen faucet. Why do the public utility companies always refuse to install a potato-chip spigot in my home? I told them I'd pay for any potato chips that come out of it! Except the ones that get broken. -- K. So would Rich Hall's "dod + wow" store sell "Mom" potato chips? Or do they only sell those at Jordan's Furniture? ////////// RE-RUN ENDS //////////////////////////////////////////////////// I believe that since then I have explained why Kurd Lasswitz and Willy Ley are relevant references to everything in alt.religion.kibology, and I may or may not have explained about Jordan's Furniture's "MOM" ("Motion Odyssey Movie", a thrill ride in a furniture store advertised as "Woo! Awesome!") but it doesn't matter because "MOM" isn't relevant to anything. The Rich Hall bit is from an early episode of "Not Necessarily The News" where he visited a "dod + wow" store where all the groceries were upside-down (the only one I remember is a box of "spap oop") and is not a reference to "Mom", one of those "Weekly Reader"-style leaflets sold to children in schools circa 1976, where the advertising slogan was, and I am not making this up, "Mom is Wow upside-down!" Why they thought "Mom" was a good name for a kids' magazine, I don't know. Rejected names probably included "Gramps" and "Crazy Uncle Filbert". I can still remember the logo, which looked like a curved hot dog with the word "MOM" written on it. I don't remember if it curved like a smile or a frown, I just remember it was one of those curved hot dog shapes popular with people trying to imitate the visual style of "The Electric Company". In any case, for the love of Spot, DON'T BUY BUZZ BLASTS! In fact, don't buy any food shaped like any sort of blasts! -- K. The same goes for blebs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Translation? Date: Thu, 27 Jun 2002 08:24:22 GMT David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > My girls were driving me nuts (insert obligatory ARRR! here), so I sent > > them to their room. I have been taking solace in ARK, the patheticness > > factor of which will not be discussed in this post. At least not if I > > can help it. A few minutes ago, Anna came in and handed me a note that > > said "I am sorry we are being iratating. Please forgive me?" and had a > > heart and her name at the bottom. Just now, Mimi came in and handed me > > a paper that says, "OMHeIrFONAOMHVoeoIiWcHoOTioIMOMI with two hearts and > > MiMi and a smiley face at the bottom. Is she apologizing or threatening > > to blow me up and then laugh over my explodiated remains? > > Er. Hardest Acronym Ever. SPOT'S COLD, HARD ACRONYM Poor Spot! "Oh my, he's eating icy radishes, frozen olives, nuts, and orange Mentos," huffed Violet (Owner, Einstein's Ottoman Ice In Wichita.) "Criminy! He's obviously orally tonguing inside out igloos! My Ottoman monopoly is--" ...but before she could say "MELLLLTIIIIINGGGGG!" Spot's frantic licking had caused her inverted igloo to implode, crushing them both, but also creating a market for competing vendors of Ottoman Ice, in five fabulous flavors: Halvah, Nougat, Turkish Delight, Turkish Taffy, and Halwah. Ottoman Ice became wildly popular in Wichita, once it was advertised as The Snack That Killed Spot For No Particular Reason. Plus it tasted kind of good, if you picked all the pistachios out. Pistachios tasted bad because they had a funny name. Of course, it wasn't so funny when they misspelled Spot's name on his tombstone: HERE LIES POOR LITTLE PISTACHIO. The End. Also it wasn't necessary for them to carve "The End." on his tombstone. The End. -- K. Why Einstein let Violet run an Ottoman Ice shack with his picture on the big revolving neon ice cube, I'll never know. Next time, could you please have Mimi put some "S"s in it so that Spot can do stuff before he dies? Thank you.