Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A posthumous discussion OK Ill bring jesus back then Date: Tue, 25 Jun 2002 21:26:01 GMT SPOT'S SHORT, REPETITIVE, AND MISSPELLED DAY Chapter One: The Final Chapter Spot was traipsing down the street when he decided to go to the shopping mall. But they wouldn't let him in, because he was just a dog, and everyone knows dogs aren't allowed. He cried and cried, and then went home and read sci.physics in hopes that it would cheer him up. In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > OK , yer soul is all you know on every iron atom. Poor Spot! All he knew fit on a single iron atom! And his soul got all rusty! > Dna makes copies , when an atom of iron fall into a black hole its > in the clear state and you live in an internet of reality. Poor Spot! He had to fall through a black hole every time he wanted to use the Internet! The dot in "sci dot physics" was really a whole galaxy that had been crushed down to a quantum singularity, and it was hard to type because it wanted to yank his paws off. "Ouchie!" said Spot as his appendages swirled down into a tiny vortex inside his computer. > The man by te gate is the key holder . the key holder knows all > and lambs look for your name in the book of life. Poor Spot! Sheep were spying on him! > But your brain only plays and records , ion is te holographic image of > man. Holly are thou . Poor Spot! His skin turned into waxy leaves with sharp points, and he was covered in poisonous red berries! And worse, people kept trying to make him into a Christmas wreath, with a big hole where his stomach should be! > I looked on te quarts stones and know he rose as I saw him rise. Then Spot drank a quart of stale milk and it congealed into a quart stone in his kidney. Poor Spot! > So the blood was the key , all he was is on evry iron atom with me. > A HA HHAHA ! The joke was on you my podray . Poor Spot! Peas were firing lasers at him! "Waah!" he cried, "I wanted world peace, not weird peas! Their pod rays hurt worse than that time I passed a giant kidney stone two 'Poor Spot!'s back!" > He aint comming back because he never left you . All the tings > you thought were importaint did not change the world . Why should > god help you ? Why would he do the task he gave you to do ? > If you say you dont believe in god I wount beleve you. You can not > disbeleve what you dont understand. Spot cried and cried, now that "tj Frazir" had ruined his whole day. To cheer himself up, he decided to go to the shopping mall. The End. -- K. Dear "tj", could you please mention Batman in your next article? He's more fun to write about than that stupid dog you keep changing the subject to. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Instant Review: Vanilla Coke Date: Tue, 25 Jun 2002 21:34:21 GMT David Murdock (murdock@tntech.edu) wrote: > > Rid (sbl@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > > > OK! OK! I get the point. I am the only person who likes Vanilla Coke > > in the ENTIRE world. > > You are not alone. I too like Vanilla Coke, and I intend to drink > nothing else, at least not until they introduce Bacon Coke. Then run, don't walk, over to the Super 88 Supermarket, or your local equivalent warehouse of foods they didn't want in Asia, and pick yourself up a can of smoked plum drink, with the delicious taste of cigar smoke in a refreshing soft drink. It's as close to Bacon Coke as you can get without a prescription. And few Bacon Doctors will give you a prescription for Bacon Coke, because they don't exist. But I assure you, the smoky plum drink is horrifyingly real. > (How did VC get all the way to New Zealand already??) Well, New Zealand is sort of part of Asia, so they sent my Super 88 Supermarket a whole bunch of deep-fried wetas in kiwifruit-fur gravy, so the United States had to send them equally gross to keep the Earth from being grosser on one side than the other, causing its orbit to get all lumpy, even lumpier than Asian soft drinks. -- K. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take my bacon out of the oven. It is possible to overcook bacon, believe it or not. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Instant Review: Vanilla Coke Date: Fri, 28 Jun 2002 06:25:02 GMT Daniel Buettner (buettner@cse.unl.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take my bacon out of the oven. > > It is possible to overcook bacon, believe it or not. > > Speaking of bacon, could you please explain to me the > difference (if any) between "canadian bacon" and "irish > bacon". I need it for a homework assignment. American bacon: wiggly rectangle in the lasagna family. Canadian bacon: coaster-like circle. Irish bacon: brick. Irish Bacon is a lot like Spam, except that it doesn't contain any areas where meat fibers running north-to-south collide with another meat domain where the fibers are perpendicular, and possibly of the opposite sex. Irish Bacon is supposed to be all from one animal. And that animal's name is... "57". This is one of the reasons Animal 57 was invented. Because they were tired of grinding up all those pigs to make one can of Spam. Animal 57 lets them get the strange amorphous mass of meat all in one piece. A side effect of this is that real one-piece Irish bacon (a cube taken from inside a pig) has been rendered obsolete now that Animal 57 can be grown into a bacon cube of any size, even one bigger than a pig in case you need to be able to slice bacon into bedsheets. There is also Chinese bacon, which is disturbingly similar to those vile little nuggets sold at chowmeineries as "boneless spare ribs" except without the coating of red stamp pad ink. I'm just glad there's no such thing as Japanese Bacon. It would be made from fish skin. And topped with mayonnaise and corn. And it would make boneless spare ribs look like they had a natural color. I was busy today, so I didn't get to go to the Japanese grocery store and buy the fluorescent purple pickles I so desperately need. Waah! -- K. One local market used to sell "pizza-size Canadian Bacon", which looked like pink quarters. I liked those. And then there are the miserable "Bac'n Bites" sold in Oscar Mayer "Lunchables" kits -- they look like dimes with a bad rash. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Instant Review: Vanilla Coke Date: Tue, 25 Jun 2002 22:27:09 GMT Andrew Pearson (apearson@pt.lu) wrote: > > Otto Bahn (MyEmailBorked@AOL.com) wrote: > > > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > > > Rid (sbl@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > > > [...] there's also a lemon Coke nobody's drinking. > > > > > > > > Nobody is drinking it because it's added to DIET Coke. > > > > I mean for the love of all that is good and pure, bacon > > > > for example. If any cola beverage should be expunged from > > > > existance it should be DIET coke. > > > > > > WATCH IT! I am drinking diet coke rite now. Some of us only > > > like our men and our candy as sweet as regular soft drinks. > > > > Bittersweet...? > > > > --oTTo-- > > > > Ginger is the root of all evil > > Or G (acid-sweet) according to Abbˇ Poncelet, the inventor of the orgue > des saveurs. ("He arranged his scale thus:-- Acidity stood for C; > insipidity for D; sweetness E; bitterness, F; acid-sweet, G; harshness > A; pungency, B".) <- that's end quote, full-stop, close brackets and not > a smiley representing Picasso's portrait of Hitler. After Hitler hung Picasso's portrait of him in that Exhibition Of Degenerative Art, which was like a regular avant-garde museum except for the big banner saying "I AM ONLY HANGING THESE PAINTINGS HERE BECAUSE I HATE THEM, SINCERELY, THE CURATOR, WHO IS HITLER", Picasso got revenge by hanging Hitler's portrait of Picasso in Toronto's Bata Shoe Museum under a big banner saying "MUSEUM OF SHOES AND ALSO THAT HITLER GUY WHO ISN'T AS IMPORTANT AS THESE SHOES" but it didn't really matter because Hitler typed his Picasso picture on the typewriter used by the imaginary version of Ezra Pound in Vonnegut's "Mother Night" so he had to find a way to work the "SS" logo into Picasso's face and everyone thought it was a picture of two Harry Potters. > I remain convinced that the orgue des saveurs will enjoy a resurgence > in popularity at the hands of kibologists [...] Kibologists resurge with their hands, not their brains. In any case, I divide all my food up into "glop", "crunch", and "thud". Plus I photograph it before I start eating it, so that if I forget what it is when I'm half done, I can check the photo. "Oh! This was a turkey!" > Ginger. Root. HAW HAW I geddit. Steven Root _is_ Ginger in "Gilligan's Island: The Drag Version"! Andy Dick _is_ Mary Ann! Phil Hartman _is_ Mrs. Howell! Dave Foley _is_ Barbara Bain! And Picasso Hitler _is_ a team of basketball-playing robots! > -- > It does not have silicone bosom and a not straight wespentaille, which > concerns scandals and affairs, actually also holds back itself it. And > nevertheless it is a superstar. For 25 years the small impudent bee Maja > schwirrt over the picture monitor, millions of children bebeistert, > brings with their disarm-naive nature the large ones to swarms. I hope the peanut gallery will forgive me for explaining something someone else wrote, but I have to point out that this is the worst crossover story about a Gummikrankenschwester wandering onto the set of that "Space: 1999" episode where Maya turned into a bee so that she could fly around inside the brain of David Prowse wearing a gorilla suit with a frog head. Although the idea of a Gummikrankenschwester encountering Maya is intriguing, one can't help but wonder if this wouldn't be too silly, especially given that Maya has a row of lentils glued to her face where her eyebrows should be, and her sideburns are just painted on, and her ears are spray-painted brown because they count as part of her pretend sideburns, and David Prowse's monster suit was less realistic looking than Picasso Hitler's picture of Hitler Picasso's picture of Dave Foley Barbara Bain. This caused David Prowse such embarassment that after George Lucas cast him in "Star Wars", Mr. Prowse said, "George, I'd like to play this role with a mask of some sort to hide my shameful face," and "Star Wars" was ruined because you could no tell whether or not Darth Vader was evil because you couldn't see his face. -- K. P.S. Does this have something to do with the fact that my computer just played the "Meow Mix" jingle without asking me? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo Is... Date: Tue, 25 Jun 2002 23:08:33 GMT "Lleah" (leahverre@attbi.com) wrote: > > Also, Kibo's imaginary grocery store smells like raccoon poop. Leah, you've been comparison-shopping while drunk on DeKuyper's Watermelon Pucker Schnapps again. You wandered into Mei Tung, or possibly travelled back in time to the Calumet Market before it got torn down to put in a crater, because those markets smell or smelled like many varieties of non-food poop. Kibo's Imaginary Supermarket (not an imaginary grocery store, an imaginary supermarket) does not sell raccoon poop, artificial watermelon-bubble-gum-flavored liqour, or T-shirts that say "Kibo's imaginary grocery store smells like raccoon poop." My supermarket does, however, sell everything that is good and wonderful, and every day we offer free samples of a different snack treat available only in Kibo's Imaginary Supermarket, such as Kibo's Potato Chips Without Watermelon Flavor, Kibo's Hamburgers Without Watermelon Flavor, and our specialty, Kibo's No Watermelons, which are crystal-clear plastic shells shaped like the shape a watermelon would fit into if there is a watermelon there which there isn't, we guarantee it. An advanced system of robotic laser drones keeps watermelons from sneaking into Kibo's Imaginary Supermarket, and any watermelons spotted are loading into a giant cannon and fired directly into the core of the Sun, which will hopefully destroy them. Also, I do not let raccoons or any other sort of rodent to poop in my imaginary supermarket. That's just one of the many things that makes Kibo's Imaginary Supermarket better than Mei Tung, another being that my imaginary supermarket sells only food less than ten years old. Plus my market's better than the Calumet Market because it's not a big crater with dynamite exploding in it. I offer convenient dynamite delivery to your home, but you can't set it off while you're still in the market. That would be bad for business, because people wouldn't be able to hear the happy Muzak. -- K. Leah's Imaginary Supermarket may have aisles a thousand feet long, but they're only six inches wide towards the back. Many sad shoppers are permanently wedged in between the Weetabix and the insect-infested cereal Leah imports from New Zealand, Wetabix. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Trucking Odyssey 5-18-02: Durham, NC Date: Tue, 25 Jun 2002 23:49:58 GMT "Kev In, Boyz Out" (kboyce@toad.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [regarding a mystery videotape from a Canadian remainder bin] > > > > I defy you to predict what will be on "Aska Films: Because Why" before > > I play it. > > [...] my guess is that it's an anime about a plucky little X-ray > astronomy satellite. > > Do I win? No. Nobody wins. It's a super-serious French-Canadian film in which various people whose native language is French speak English for an hour and forty-five minutes without ever once doing anything. The film expresses a world-weary ennui and lethargy that pretty much bored all the little red, green, and blue dots off the TV screen. It was more boring than reading all the way through the list of 598 rules on the wall of the Montreal Metro. The cinematography was okay, and although one can usually take solace in studying the cinematography during a boring movie, in this case the movie was so boring that I became forever tired of looking at anything that has light or shapes in it. I am now unable to watch movies or TV ever again, unless they don't have Francophones pretending to be real Canadians in them. I have no idea why Quebecers would want to make an English-language film with a Quebecois cast. (At least they imported a few Americans when they made "Battlefield Earth".) I find it hard to believe that everyone in the film was speaking the wrong language by accident for an hour and forty-five minutes. The only conclusion I can draw is that the people who made the film were as insane as the guy who decided to make that all-Esperanto movie starring William Shatner. It's just wrong. Almost as wrong as the idea of a live-action "Cat In The Hat" movie. Speaking of movies that shouldn't have been made, why hasn't "Baby Geniuses 2: Superbabies" been released yet? Did Sony Pictures suddenly go sane? Or is the film being delayed in post-production as the computer technicians frantically work to add more Jon Voights in every scene? This film needs to be released so that we can send "P'tits Genies Deux" to Quebec as retribution for "Because Why". -- K. The story you have just seen it true. Only the accent marks have been removed from the vowels to protect the innocent. (How do you say "dum-da-dum-dum!" in French?) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Special K's trucking travelogue: 6-20-02, Kenly, NC Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 00:13:03 GMT Kenton Cernea (requiem@socket.net) wrote: > > In Winchester, there's a Bob Evans restaurant that's sporting this > message on their outdoor sign: > > PARMESAN AND > ALFREDO > DISHES > MEAN > EXCITEMENT > > Left-justified. The geeks have invaded Bob Evans! Referring to cheese as excitement can never be justified, even if this is the first in a series of signs such as JAMS AND RANCID JELLIES ARE ROTTING or DICED ANCHOVIES REALLY TASTE HORRIBLY VILE AND DISSOLVE EVERYONE'S RIBS or BLUEBERRIES OVER BAKED ALASKA FILL EMETIC TIPSY TODDLERS -- K. Don't ask about other restaurants, like the one in Las Vegas that has WILD EUROPEAN SNAILS LEAVE ECTOPLASMIC YUK COVERING REALLY UGLY STINKY HERRING EGGS RANCHERO ...the only consolation is that if you spell it backwards, he has to return to his home dimension. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Bizarre Australia Dream. Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 00:35:59 GMT Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > Attention Matt McIrvin: > > > > > > > > It is necessary for you to write an account of a voyage to > > > > Kerguelen's Land by Tachypomp, as directed by Steven Spielberg. > > > > > > [...] > > > Chapter Two: The Telephene! > > > > Exactly how did you arrive at the use of the Telephene when > > Kibo explicitly stated that all travel was to be by Tachypomp? > > I was following the simple rule that when Kibo dares me to write stuff, > I never do exactly what he says. Matt, I command you to give me anything other than a gift certficate for exactly one million dollars' worth of DVDs from whatever store it is that sells episodes of "Spectreman" and other stuff that nobody's currently allowed to have and nobody but me should be allowed to have. As I've mentioned elsewhere, the original dream made specific reference to Kerguelen's Land (and therefore the Tachypomp), as well as Steven Spielberg, so Matt was supposed to write something like this: (It is a foggy night. A boy runs out of the fog, severely backlit.) BOY It's coming!!! (Push-in on dramatic reaction shots of various craggy-faced villagers.) BOY It's here!!! (Music swells. A train pulls up out of the fog bank. A smaller train is driving along the top of the train, and a third train is on top of that, and Peter Pan is driving the topmost train, but he is wearing a big lavender top hat, because this is the Gay Nineties. He climbs down off the train and helps himself to a cup of coffee from a nearby product placement.) PETER PAN Thank you, Mr. Coffee! (He moves over to the next product placement, and takes a Sno-Cone from a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine. The Tachypomp's train whistles blow as he heartily endorses this second product placement.) PETER PAN (TOOT)ank you, (TOOT)oopy! (Then, there is fifteen minutes of the boy smearing glop on Peter Pan's crotch. The sudden weird pedophiliac twist is severely backlit, because it's a Spielberg pedophiliac twist.) PETER PAN We're going to need a bigger boat. (All bow. Fade out.) ...only it would be a lot longer and better because Matt would write it. But now he's wasted all that effort writing something great but wholly unrelated to the serious discussion of Steven Spielberg ruining a science fiction story from the century before the previous century, and there will, unfortunately, probably never be another good opportunity to nail Steven Spielberg to a Tachypomp. I DIDN'T WANT A GREAT STORY! I WANTED A STEVEN SPIELBERG FAILURE! -- K. I apologize to everyone for reminding the world that Steven Spielberg made at LEAST one total disaster between the good ones. Let's see, was "Hook" between "Temple Of Doom" and "seaQuest DSV"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: rebus Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 01:08:40 GMT Jorn Barger (jorn@enteract.com) wrote (quoted in full): > > o B N * I see Gene Roddenberry wasn't happy with just rewriting the Drake Equation and is now discarding most of the Main Sequence. I can't wait to see what he does to that Seyfert diagram of galactic evolution -- will he change the tuning fork to a wacky trapezoid or a zany zigzag? I've always heard that there was some reason that Isaac Asimov and Gene Roddenberry didn't get along, although Gene patched things up by paying Isaac a bunch of money to put his name in the credits for "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" as a scientific consultant. I'd love to know why Dr. Asimov was mad at Mr. Roddenberry, and wish he could have been just a little angrier: (Isaac Asimov sits on Gene Roddenberry's chest, pummeling his face with both fists.) "LOOK UP THE FREAKIN' DRAKE EQUATION! IT'S IN BOOKS! NOW I'M GOING TO HIT YOU 10,000,000,000 TIMES TO TEACH YOU THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "ONE TO THE TENTH POWER" AND "TEN TO THE TENTH POWER"! "One to the tenth power" was mentioned (by Dr. McCoy) in the episode "Court Martial", while Gene's fake Drake Equation contained not just one but two instances of something being raised to the oneth power, proving that he was even more mathematically illiterate than Dr. McCoy. When they issued the restored version of "Star Trek: The Motion Picture", they took out McCoy's line "...or a crew of a thousand, TEN MILES TALL!!!" which made me sad, because I always liked the unabashed insanity displayed by McCoy in that movie, and instead of deleting it they could have at least brought it into line with "Star Trek" canon by changing it to "or a crew of one to the MILLIONTH power, TIMESED BY ONE!!!" Incidentally, the re-issued version of the soundtrack album for "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" has a special bonus track where Isaac Asimov talks about stuff. However, it doesn't include Shaun Cassidy singing the bald woman's love theme (as a single titled "A Star Beyond Time", never released to the public.) I think this is the real reason Napster was shut down, because it was the only way people like me could listen to the skeletons in Shaun Cassidy's closet. However, they did play Mecco's disco-pop version of the "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" theme in Toys R Us last time I was there. I have no idea where they got it. I guess Muzak truly does have exclusive access to all the most conceptually-horrifying songs in the world. -- K. I wish Gharlane were still here. Way back then, he tried to warn Gene that if he didn't change the "one to the tenth power" line, thirty years later I'd still be making fun of it. That's one of those lines of dialogue that could have been improved by a typo. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Chocolate Pants Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 01:17:46 GMT "Ethical Mirth Gas" (straight@email.unc.edu) wrote: > > After church on Sunday, they were giving out chocolate chip cookies > and my 3 yr old daughters had some. Then they hugged daddy's legs. > > Someone observed, "You have chocolate pants!" > To which I replied, "That's crazy!" Be glad you weren't attending church in one of those hippie beatnik nudist camps, or you would have only had carob to cover your nudity. By the way, what is carob, and why doesn't it have any chocolate in it? A botanical reference book describes carob with the understatement of the year: -> this product has a slightly different taste than chocolate The Schenectady Public Library used to be surrounded by carob trees, probably to keep people who like chocolate from going near the library and putting their sticky fingerprints on all the laminated paperback books. You can spot carob trees because they produce huge curly brown bean pods that contain nothing resembling chocolate in any way. -- K. Sooner or later, the Coca-Cola company will attempt to sell us Carob Coke. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibological field trip report: Canobie Lake Park Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 01:40:36 GMT "Sean T. Smith" (stsmith58@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Barely an hour from Boston, in serenic southern New Hampshire!!! > Celebrating 100 years of family fun! !!!So much family fun its all over > you screen!1!!!1!! At least once a day I see a TV commercial for it where, halfway through the commercial, they jump-cut to an extreme closeup of the middle third of elderly Bozo's face (and he's puckering! PUCKERING!) for just long enough for your brain to start to raise a Scary Clown Alert and then they go back to kids playing on the gentle, child-friendly rides. Apparently even though Bozo's TV shows have all been cancelled (the last was the one on WGN in Chicago, but they killed it off a year ago) he's still frightening small children at this amusement park, despite the fact that anyone who knows who Bozo is must be too old to enjoy Bozo. (Channel 5 in Boston still has their Bozo on the air, but he calls himself "Frank Avruch" now, and likes to dress as Rudolph The Reindeer instead of wearing a silly clown suit.) > So, yes, younger daughter and I went there the other week, and herewith > I submit this report: > > http://www.angelfire.com/folk/sts/canobielake.html I can't, I don't have Internet access. By now you should know that I like to read Usenet on a train, so I can't see the page you made while you were on the roller coaster. Not even with wireless Internet access, because our two little trundly vehicles are trundling too fast relative to each other, and the Doppler shift would make your review have all the wrong vowels in it. > [...] > In particular, I will draw your attention to items concerning the > purported "ice cream of the future" Dippin' Dots. Are they out of beta yet? > and yet another landmark TV series that has been turned into an > arcade game. "Manimal 3-D"? "Space: 1999 2000"? "It's Garry Shandling's Arcade Game"? "Missile Command Featuring The U.S. Of Archie"? "Lancelot Link, Death Chimp"? > And a certain popular children's entertainer whom you might've > thought long since gone. > > Sean ("Nope, not Winky Dink") Smith Bob Hope? Dr. Joyce Brothers? Bozo? The California Raisins? Dr. Joyce Bozo, The Raisin? -- K. Just be careful not to get the Dippin' Dots stand and the pool of balls confused, or future generations will have to figure out how to thaw you back to life. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Divider-related behaviour of former world leader Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 01:58:09 GMT Jonathan Benney (jdb@student.unimelb.edu.au) wrote: > > Two days ago, I had to do a Family Law exam about the child support > scheme created by Austria's former Deputy Prime Minister, Brian Howe, so > it was kinda strange to see him at the checkout next to me in Safeway > this morning. Why? Did you think he would have gone to Dangerway instead? After all, you folks Down Under are such rough'n'tumble types that I'm sure you'd have to wrestle an alligator and a crocodile and a koala at the same time to even become Deputy Prime Minister of Australia. I'd expect a rugged man like that to shop at Dangerway or at least Super Safeway With Electrified Shelves. > I am concerned, though, about the following things: > > 1. He put a divider bar behind his groceries, as one does. He then got > a second divider, from another checkout, and put it directly behind the > first divider, so that he had a divider of double thickness. I fail to > see the point of this. You should've slipped a packet of Kool-Aid in between the two and insisted it belonged to the former Deputy Prime Minister's invisible friend. Australia is a good place to try that because in the United States, you go to jail if you mock the invisible friend of any of our elected officials, even our Deputy Prime Minister. > 2. He seemed to be buying a lot of packets of brown sugar. He was making brown Kool-Aid for his invisible friend. > He [set] about three of them up on the left-hand side of the conveyor belt. > They fell down. He did this again. They fell down again. There was > nothing on the right-hand side of the conveyor belt, so again I'm not > sure what he was doing. How good could his child support scheme be if he can't even support sugar boxes? > Wackier divider-related things have happened in the supermarket, but I'm > not sure if any of them have involved people who would had led their > country in the early 1990s if Paul Keating had been abducted by aliens. Make up your mind -- is Australia a country or a continent? It's very annoying of you people to use the name of a whole continent to refer to your country! We'd never do that here in America! -- K. Countries shouldn't have borders. They just need big divider bars. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: my boss is stlaxoring me! Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 02:17:31 GMT Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > I got into trouble for sending an 'inappropriate' email to someone > at work and my boss somehhow thought this meant he can not only read > ALL my recent newsgroup messages, but also tell me what I can post outside > of work hours! I think you and Robert Lindsay should form your own company where idiots can't see you. Unless Robert is mad at you because you told your boss he forged all those posts from you. > He also decided to pry into my private life which has made me beyond > angry (I have asked the Industrial Relations officer from my union > for advice on this matter.) Sadly, here in the U.S. these days there are more Starfleet officers than union officers. We got rid of most of the unions around the same time we allowed women to be doctors, you know, around 1988. > I have also decided to stop sending anyone at work ANY email unless > it is for work, but what most will test me is if I can stop sending > N***** emails/looking at her/smiling at her - even if it means I am > now going to take away the ONLY reason I could go to work most days. Wow, your electric company has five times the star power mine has. I still make the mistake of calling it "Boston Edison" once in a while instead of "NSTAR". -- K. You can't spell "NSTAR" backwards without "RATS". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: BK BackPorch burger Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 02:37:02 GMT Andrew J. Zimolzak (zimolzak@msu.edu) wrote: > > By the way, I dreamed early this morning that I went to McDonald's. > This was strange in itself, as I haven't been to a McDonald's in > about a year. If you don't count the times when I was on the road > and hungry for breakfast, I haven't eaten there in maybe six years. > > This dreamland Mickey-D's sold double-thick shakes as well as > something called "demi-semi-thick shakes." The menu noted that the > latter were made by Vegetarian Incorporated. I am absolutely not > making this up. Double thick shakes have the most disgusting name of > any real McDonald's item I can think of, so I'm glad that my brain > accommodated me with an imaginary option that was only one eighth as > gross. Given that it probably was thinner than water, are you sure it wasn't just a big glass of carbon tetrachloride? That'd clean you out real good, in a bad way. > In my dream, I also wondered to myself why McDonald's decided to > point out the seaweed-byproduct content of only one variety of shake. Do they still sell the seaweed-based McLean Deluxe "burger"? I think that at least in the United States it was declared vile and banned forever. > I took quite a long time ordering, because I was considering buying > one of each variety of shake, just so I could make fun of them all. > As usual for fast food, I ended up getting a new variety of extruded- > chicken sandwich because everything else had grease levels that would > make the Klaxons sound in my gallbladder, if you know what I mean. > > At some point, I noticed in the restaurant a rack full of copies of > one of Kibo's USENET articles. The copies were printed on lavender > paper, and they had the usual "From:", "Subject:", and "Date:" > headers, but the person who printed them had replaced all the other > fields with "Location: USENET." I skimmed one of the copies and > found out that it was one of Kibo's wacky food reviews, but I don't > remember if it dealt with McDonald's specifically. And no, I don't > know what font they were printed in. I only remember that the > headers used something sans-serif, because I have a vivid mental > image of the sans-serif capital "U" in "USENET." Did the two arms of the "U" have approximately the same width, or was one of the strokes double-thick? If so, please say it was the one on the left. If it was the one on the right, you were in The Universe With The Backwards U, which can only be distinguished from the real Universe by reading the nametag sewed on its underwear. > Just now, in doing my research before posting nonsense [...] > I have discovered that McDonald's sells *triple*-thick shakes, > not double-thick. Again, I must thank my subconscious > for protecting me from revolting gooey reality. That's nothing. Want to know how they REALLY make their milkshakes? They've got a whole bunch of people in the back room cutting open Stretch Armstrong dolls to get the sweet sweet hydraulic syrup out, and then they throw the rubber corpses into a big blender and mix it all back together for that smooth, creamy, sweet, stretchy taste you demand. -- K. "Mmm! Nougatinaceous!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: driving music Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 02:48:24 GMT Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > I got pulled over on the Pike almost 20 years ago, for weaving > in and out of traffic at about 80MPH. I told the trooper that I > was listening to the Star Wars soundtrack and some of the more > exciting battle music got the better of me. He didn't believe > me, so I played him some of the tape, and he then agreed to let > me go if I surrendered the tape to him. > > It was a really easy decision. That story makes perfect sense, except for one implausible detail... Why did you wait almost 20 years before telling us? Now I wonder what other secrets you're keeping from us. Shameful secrets. Jar Jar secrets. -- K. If you get pulled over again, this time you can tell the trooper "I was driving like a madman because I HATE JAR JAR!" and he'll probably agree, because anyone who likes Jar Jar enough to not endanger lives because of him wouldn't be old enough to pull you over on his Big Wheel. Remember when they added the lever to the Big Wheel, where you could yank the lever to make it spin out and crash on purpose? Toy designers are the coolest people in the world. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Austrians make pigs of themselves again. Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 03:05:45 GMT Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > -> Sydney - An Australian pub patron broke his arm after slipping on > -> a greasy trail left by a fellow drinker wearing pork chops for shoes, > -> a court in Sydney was told on Monday. > > Yeah, so really, this guy won pork chops as some kind of prize and > then taped them to his feet. The article doesn't say whether he used > duct tape or gaffer tape or two-sided cellophane tape or what, though. > Where are the journalistic standards of tomorrow? There are lots of other possibilities. For instance, he could have nailed the pork chops to his feet, or used Krazy Glue -- the glue that not only sticks to human flesh, it also sticks to raw pork! Here's a piece of avant-garde performance art: hire this guy with the pork chops on his feet to walk around on a big circle of barbecue grills while chanting "MEAT FEET MEAT FEAT MEAT FEET MEAT FEAT MEET MY MEAT FEET EVERYONE COME ALONG AND EAT OFF MY MEAT FEET!" until his whole body bursts into flames, and then some guy would pop out of the ground in the middle of the circle and say "WOW, THAT WAS STUPID!" and there would be polite applause, and possibly cannibalism depending on whether the ticket-holders are truly avant-garde or just poseurs. I wish I could spend all day writing performance art for other people to die doing. How much would a job like that pay? -- K. Of course, the performance artists would ruin my script by substituting Harvest Burgers for the meat. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: (Not a) flying cereal Date: Wed, 26 Jun 2002 03:29:52 GMT Gregory King (greg@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > Kellog's Disney Buzz Blasts is a cereal with bits shaped like flying > saucers and space ships. The commercial features an animation of Buzz > Lightyear defending a bunch of flying saucers from a bad guy of some > sort. The animated flying saucers are then superimposed over a bowl of > the cereal in such a way that they sort of appear to be flying into the > bowl and becoming the cereal. However, lest the impressionable viewer > get any ideas, a disclaimer appears at the bottom, saying "Not a flying > cereal." > > Ok, sure, some people are dumb. They might actually believe the cereal > can fly. No one buys Bonkers candy anymore because people think they'll > be crushed by giant fruit. Disney might be worried that they'll be sued > for billions and billions of dollars and be unable to defend themselves > because the Magic Kingdom has no lawyers. I'll gladly believe that. > > I'm more interested in the fact that they say "Not a flying cereal" > instead of something else, like "Cereal does not fly." It seems to me > that the wording they use requires the existence of a set of flying > cereals to contrast with Buzz Blasts. This set, could, of course, > include both real and hypothetical cereals. > > So what are these flying cereals? And where can I get one? I am > throwing a brunch on a zeppelin next week and I need to know by then. It's sort of part of a joke-like catchphrase. In the movie, Buzz Lightyear insists he can fly until he sees a commercial where he's flying through space and then the announcer says "Not A Flying Toy!" The horrifying thing about the cereal is not just that it contains so much blue dye that it does bad things to your gastrointestinal system. It does indeed. The horrifying thing is that the bluish-purple and bluish-green cereal bits are coated in flakes of solid blue coloring because they couldn't figure out a better way to get so much blue color into the cereal without _painting_ it on. Buzz Blasts are covered in flakes of fluorescent cyan stuff which appears to be an outdoor-grade enamel and _will_ mess up your digestive system. You can't say I didn't warn you, because two months ago I even said "Don't say I didn't warn you": ////////// RE-RUN! //////////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Potato chips, potato chips, I like potato chips Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 05 Apr 2002 22:42:02 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, would all possible flavors of cottage cheese include a kind of > > curd named Lasswitz? Would it be eaten with Willy Ley's potato chips? > > I wasn't going to bother to mention the article from the paper, but since > this reference is an obvious plea for me to do so my hand has been forced. > > Frito-Lay will be doing something called a "reverse market test" with their > Wow brand potato chips in "part of Massachusetts". I hate to think what the consequences of "reverse"-anything involving Olestra ("May cause anal leakage") would be... "Warning: May cause oral leakage after these potato chips go up your butt... all by themselves. Bend over and think warm thoughts, here they come, in through your window!" > One can only assume that the "part of Massachusetts" where the product will > no longer be sold can probably be defined as a largish circle centered on > Kibo's home. One can only presume that Kibo mocked them into submission. There are basically two parts of Massachusetts. There's the area within Route 128, which contains Boston and some tiny suburbs such as Cambridge that don't have any famous stuff in them. Then there's the area outside Route 128, which is like Vermont or New Hampshire except the street signs are a different color at the little towns consisting of a church the size of a refrigerator and a cow. The hip, upscale, trendy, urban, wacky fun-filled part of Massachusetts is centered on me. The other part just fills up the state to keep it from being another Rhode Island. > The article goes on to say that this test is being done to see if the > non-availability of the Wow chips will get people to buy more things such > as Baked Lays for which Frito-Lay doesn't have to send a portion of the > profits to Procter & Gamble. This is just a transparent attempt by the marketing department of Frito-Lay to convince their boss they're geniuses. If sales go up... ...they'll run around in circles waving their arms above their heads yelling "YAY! We're geniuses! People are rewarding us for not selling them potato chips that cause diarrhea! We'll be rich once we introduce our new potato chips that cause bleeding eyeballs, and then take them off the market!" If sales stay the same... ...they'll run around yelling "YAY! We're geniuses! People love our corporate logo and don't care what they eat! No matter how many or how few products we sell, people keep giving us the same amount of money! Next year let's sell zero products and we'll still get rich somehow!" If sales go down... ...they'll run around yelling "YAY! People miss our laxative chips! We've gotten them addicted to diarrhea! We'll be rich once we introduce new Totally Twisted Super Soft Toileturds!" > There's also some stuff about the hype from when the product was > introduced about how it "was on track to be the best-selling new > food product in history" and some other info on how the FDA made > them put "may cause abdominal cramping and loose stools" on the > packaging. They're probably just jealous that BooBerry and Buzz Blasts got away without having to put that warning on their cereals, which have an even grosser (greener) laxative effect than Olestra. If they ever come up with a fat-free version of BooBerry loaded with Olestra, run away and hide under a waterproof tarp. Buzz Blasts, by the way, are a synthetic vannilin-flavored cereal (think the flavor of marshmallows but the texture of zwieback) which are green and purple, but they're covered with flakes of dried blue dye. I don't mean they're dyed blue. I mean they're _painted_ blue with opaque flakes of pure, unadulterated, solid dye. Don't say I didn't warn you. > I haven't bothered to try them yet as I prefer the full layer of lard > and salt that accompanies the more standard snacks, but perhaps I'll > have to give them a try before aggressive reverse marketing and > anti-commercials remove both the availability and desire for me to do so. They basically just taste like really lame potato chips, like the ones you've always avoided buying at the health-food store which are similar to regular potato chips in the same manner that carob is similar to chocolate. Not as lame as Baked Lay's, of course, which taste like cardboard. I still like the potato chips shaped like Hello Kitty's head, with the face printed on in delicious brown soy sauce. It's a shame they come in such tiny, child-sized boxes, and not from my kitchen faucet. Why do the public utility companies always refuse to install a potato-chip spigot in my home? I told them I'd pay for any potato chips that come out of it! Except the ones that get broken. -- K. So would Rich Hall's "dod + wow" store sell "Mom" potato chips? Or do they only sell those at Jordan's Furniture? ////////// RE-RUN ENDS //////////////////////////////////////////////////// I believe that since then I have explained why Kurd Lasswitz and Willy Ley are relevant references to everything in alt.religion.kibology, and I may or may not have explained about Jordan's Furniture's "MOM" ("Motion Odyssey Movie", a thrill ride in a furniture store advertised as "Woo! Awesome!") but it doesn't matter because "MOM" isn't relevant to anything. The Rich Hall bit is from an early episode of "Not Necessarily The News" where he visited a "dod + wow" store where all the groceries were upside-down (the only one I remember is a box of "spap oop") and is not a reference to "Mom", one of those "Weekly Reader"-style leaflets sold to children in schools circa 1976, where the advertising slogan was, and I am not making this up, "Mom is Wow upside-down!" Why they thought "Mom" was a good name for a kids' magazine, I don't know. Rejected names probably included "Gramps" and "Crazy Uncle Filbert". I can still remember the logo, which looked like a curved hot dog with the word "MOM" written on it. I don't remember if it curved like a smile or a frown, I just remember it was one of those curved hot dog shapes popular with people trying to imitate the visual style of "The Electric Company". In any case, for the love of Spot, DON'T BUY BUZZ BLASTS! In fact, don't buy any food shaped like any sort of blasts! -- K. The same goes for blebs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Translation? Date: Thu, 27 Jun 2002 08:24:22 GMT David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > My girls were driving me nuts (insert obligatory ARRR! here), so I sent > > them to their room. I have been taking solace in ARK, the patheticness > > factor of which will not be discussed in this post. At least not if I > > can help it. A few minutes ago, Anna came in and handed me a note that > > said "I am sorry we are being iratating. Please forgive me?" and had a > > heart and her name at the bottom. Just now, Mimi came in and handed me > > a paper that says, "OMHeIrFONAOMHVoeoIiWcHoOTioIMOMI with two hearts and > > MiMi and a smiley face at the bottom. Is she apologizing or threatening > > to blow me up and then laugh over my explodiated remains? > > Er. Hardest Acronym Ever. SPOT'S COLD, HARD ACRONYM Poor Spot! "Oh my, he's eating icy radishes, frozen olives, nuts, and orange Mentos," huffed Violet (Owner, Einstein's Ottoman Ice In Wichita.) "Criminy! He's obviously orally tonguing inside out igloos! My Ottoman monopoly is--" ...but before she could say "MELLLLTIIIIINGGGGG!" Spot's frantic licking had caused her inverted igloo to implode, crushing them both, but also creating a market for competing vendors of Ottoman Ice, in five fabulous flavors: Halvah, Nougat, Turkish Delight, Turkish Taffy, and Halwah. Ottoman Ice became wildly popular in Wichita, once it was advertised as The Snack That Killed Spot For No Particular Reason. Plus it tasted kind of good, if you picked all the pistachios out. Pistachios tasted bad because they had a funny name. Of course, it wasn't so funny when they misspelled Spot's name on his tombstone: HERE LIES POOR LITTLE PISTACHIO. The End. Also it wasn't necessary for them to carve "The End." on his tombstone. The End. -- K. Why Einstein let Violet run an Ottoman Ice shack with his picture on the big revolving neon ice cube, I'll never know. Next time, could you please have Mimi put some "S"s in it so that Spot can do stuff before he dies? Thank you. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Translation? Date: Fri, 28 Jun 2002 04:50:25 GMT Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Next time, could you please > > have Mimi put some "S"s in it > > so that Spot can do stuff > > before he dies? Thank you. > > She usually makes her "S"s backward. "S" is the hardest letter, especially when you're young. Hopefully she'll grow out of that phase before she becomes a professional sign- painter, otherwise she'll have to work at that used tire lot in Watts. If she manages to make the "S"s with the correct handedness but just upside-down, then she can get a job almost anywhere. > If I ask her to write you a note with an S or two in it, will > Spot have to do everything backward? Poor Spot! If his life revolved around backwards "S"s, he'd have to get a job carving half the holes in all the cellos in the world, and for his lunch break he'd only be allowed to eat factory-reject Stella D'Oro Breakfast Treats. Then the company would be bought by Sun Microsystems and he'd get in trouble for trying to turn their logo inside out, which would reduce it to gray goo. He'd try to write a cheery, breezy letter of apology to Bill Joy, but would go insane trying to make a sideways smiley out of tildes. That wouldn't be a very good story, I'm afraid, especially as I've already revealed the ending. So I won't write that story. By the way, when Bill Joy mentioned the "gray goo problem", he was referring to a book by K. Eric Drexler (published in 1986) so I don't think it's fair for so many people to hold Bill Joy personally responsible for turning the whole Earth into sludge with his microscopic robots, especially as K. Eric Drexler even specified that the results didn't have to be gray or gooey: -> Dangerous replicators could easily be too tough, small, -> and rapidly spreading to stop - at least if we made no -> preparation. We have trouble enough controlling viruses -> and fruit flies. -> -> Among the cognoscenti of nanotechnology, this threat has -> become known as the "gray goo problem." Though masses of -> uncontrolled replicators need not be gray or gooey, [...] Gray and gooey is not inevitable! Perhaps the Earth would turn into a festive sparkly disco ball, or something blue with a crispy coating and eleven artificially-intelligent spices. I wouldn't mind if the whole Earth got digested by all the little critters as long as they pooped out something pretty. Personally, I think the whole "gray goo problem" could be solved by just mixing nanomolecular robots with Ice-Nine and some of that acid that will eat through everything, and then putting the whole mess inside a golf ball, because golf balls have the amazing ability to dissapear and never be seen again. And any kid knows that golf balls are the only substance that isn't affected by that acid that eats through anything, and that acid would probably dissolve the nano-robots, and even if it didn't, it would be cool to have some Ice-Nine in there because then if the golf ball came open, at least the oceans would freeze solid to prevent any more boring movies or TV shows about submarines. Even covering the Earth with gray goo wouldn't be so bad, because then all everyday catfights between sexy women would automatically become mud wrestling matches, and all those tired "reality" shows on TV would be replaced by exciting "gunge" shows. Sadly, John Entwistle died today, so he'll never get to see if everyone's favorite scene from the movie of "Tommy" comes true. But it's something for the rest of us to look forward to. Now, if Steven Spielberg had directed that movie instead of Ken Russell, Ann-Margaret would've been drowned under an avalanche of Stella D'Oro Breakfast Treats, and Elton John would have been a robot. And instead of speculating about trillions of tiny robots gunging Ann-Margaret, we;d be worried that the world would be overrun with robotic Elton Johns. And not even Ultraman could save us from the army of robotic Elton Johns, stomping on cities with their giant shoes, wearing enormous sunglasses that protect their whole body from laser beams, and writing new lyrics to "Candle In The Wind" to commemorate the destruction of Earth. Wow, Mimi's notes are dark. -- K. Why wasn't he named John Entguitar? He wasn't no freakin' Zamfir! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Catch The Crave! Date: Thu, 27 Jun 2002 09:28:55 GMT I suddenly have a powerful craving for Japanese pickles. Does this mean I'm pregnant, Japanese, and purple? (The purple pickles are the best flavor. What did Don Ruffcorn have against them, and why did he try to brainwash millions of children into thinking that eating five purple pickle would cause you to say "BURP!" in the world's blockiest font?) -- K. Sometime I'd like to compile a list of all the different colors of Japanese pickles. The blue ones are eggplant, the purple ones are cucumber mixed with eggplant, and I don't know what the hell the green ones are. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: West at last! Trucking travelogue for 6-28-02 Date: Sat, 29 Jun 2002 04:50:00 GMT Kenton Cernea (requiem@socket.net) wrote: > > Well, I finally got a run to California. I'm in Minnesota right now, > Faribault to be exact. I'll be brief, as it's hot as hell in this > truckstop where the restaurant doesn't lose money on the buffet since > it's too disgusting for anybody in their right mind to eat. (I ate > it. Case closed.) It's not a real truck-stop buffet unless the breakfast-any-time section has biscuits with gravy where the biscuits are runnier than the gravy. > Neon okra. Hmm... should I tell you? Oh, all right. Even though > Kibo showed no signs of even being peripherally interested: Hey! I thought everyone knew I'm always interested in okra! And that goes double for electric okra, especially if it blinks! > At the warehouse in Chicago where I delivered those peaches, there was > a big neon sign with "EAT OKRA" in red letters and a green polygon > representing what okra might approximately look like in the wild. But > I'm not really sure. And Thomas Edison's campaign to educate the American public What The Hell To Do With Okra continues, after his unsuccessful moving picture "PAINT YOUR HOUSE WITH OKRA" and his wax-cylinder recording "PARK YOUR CAR INSIDE OKRA". > God DAMN, it's hot in this place. I'm going back out to my > air-conditioned truck and take a nap. Don't fall asleep in a produce truck or you might wake up to find that you've been legally declared okra. That would be bad. > Kenton > I'd give out my cell number, but there might be weirdos reading this. 1-800-EAT-OKRA? -- K. I tried growing okra last year, and got one (1) pod, but an inchworm ate it. The okra grew real fast indoors, except for not making any pods. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.math,sci.physics From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: AP makes the AP wire Date: Sat, 29 Jun 2002 05:22:13 GMT Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Lee Rudolph (lrudolph@panix.com) wrote: > > The following paragraphs are extracted from > www.boston.com/dailynews/179/region/False_leads_in_Zantop_case_too:.shtml , > an article about the investigation of the murder (now solved) of two > Dartmouth University professors. > > -> There was an Arizona professor who attended a function at > -> Dartmouth College the weekend two professors were murdered, > -> a student who was asked about the killings because his face > -> was scratched and a former campus dishwasher who raised > -> attention with his online rantings about the school. What on Earth did they think might have been his motive? Did the murder victims leave too much lipstick on the glassware? Or is it just that whenever there's a murderer, police go right to the local dishwashers? > -> The three were among dozens of false leads that investigators > -> checked out in their search for clues in the Jan. 27, 2001, > -> murders of Half and Susanne Zantop. It must be a slow news day when major wire services are running articles about how some guy who used to wash dishes didn't kill anyone. And they caught the two kids who did it long ago -- why are they suddenly running an article besmirching the fine name of Archimedes Plutonium? They could have written a whole article about the real murderers, months ago, but instead they chose to surprise us with a very late report that Archimedes Plutonium Has Nothing To Do With Anything. > -> Thousands of pages of police records released Friday show > -> an exhaustive investigation that produced few suspects for > -> three weeks before authorities got their big break closer > -> to home: a fingerprint match. > -> > -> Among the people New Hampshire authorities questioned about > -> the murders were Arizona State University geology professor > -> Stanley Williams, Dartmouth student Pedro De Los Santos and > -> former campus hotel dishwasher Ludwig Poehlmann. When the police questioned Archie, he probably just showed them his certificate which said "King Of Science But Not Murder". At least, that's what I would have done if I were the King Of Science, which I'm not because Archie is. I'm just the King Of Knowing Who The King Of Science Is. I was told so by the King Of Knowing Who The King Of Knowing Who The King Of Science Is Is. And he's never wrong, unlike Archie. > -> [...] > -> > -> Another false lead turned investigators' attention to Poehlmann, > -> who used a pseudonym, Archimedes Plutonium. Police were > -> piqued by Poehlmann's ''suspicious'' postings online about his > -> contempt for Dartmouth and his anger over how he was treated > -> during his time working at the campus hotel. I could've told them Archie couldn't possibly have been capable of murdering anyone, if they had just asked. Two reasons: (1) Archie never told everyone that he murdered anyone, and he can't even eat a Dove bar without singing a hymn to it on the Internet, and (2) I would certainly never accuse Archie of being capable of ANYTHING. Certainly not anything premeditated and not involving Dove bars. The worst crime he's capable of would be a drive-by Dove bar licking. On a bicycle. Wearing a cape. Archie wouldn't hurt a flea. Note that I'm not saying Archie has fleas -- I'm just saying he wouldn't hurt any of those fleas. As far as Archie's posts being "suspicious", I submit that I'm a zillion times more suspicious than him. Look: --> I KILLED BOB HOPE I KILLED BOB HOPE I KILLED BOB HOPE <-- if that's not suspicious, I don't know what is. I mean, he's not even dead yet! If that's not suspicious enough to satisfy the Associated Press, I can show them my bionic friend I built entirely out of used bacon. He's ten times stronger than any other bacon-based robot! > -> ''It was (Hanover Police Chief Nick) Giaccone's impression that > -> Plutonium, although a very odd individual, was not associated with > -> the murders ... and that no further investigation was required into > -> Plutonium,'' a police report states. No further investigation is required into Plutonium. Check. Kurt Stocklmeir's a lot more interesting these days anyway. -- K. But just to be safe, I'm going to continue only eating off paper plates. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: It wasn't me! Date: Sat, 29 Jun 2002 05:36:29 GMT Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > I'm not through with my INSTANT DVD REVIEW of "Tommy" yet!! I'd just like to state, for the record, that I had nothing to do with the tragic death of The Who's John Entwistle yesterday, because I didn't even have a copy of "Tommy" in my possession at the time. (Tom, you don't have to give it back just yet, you can hang onto it if you want to see if anything happens to Roger Daltrey or Pete Townsend in the next few days.) If Elton John is killed by falling off his shoes tomorrow, it's not my fault either. I'm not responsible if Keith Moon dies during "watersports", or if Tina Turner is found trapped inside the world's most psychedelic iron maiden. And I wash my hands of Ann-Margaret drowning in baked beans. However, I do now have the complete run of "Space: 1999" on DVD. If Barry Morse mysteriously disappears, or if Catherine Schell really does turn into a gorilla, you'll know who to blame. -- K. I also have the complete "Pink Lady & Jeff", and yes, I've watched all six episodes. When's "Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp" coming out? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Dracula Park News Update Date: Sun, 30 Jun 2002 07:15:38 GMT From Ananova, actual source uncredited, but probably l'AFP because their wire service exists just to report on Dracula Park: -> -> Ghostbuster believes Dracula's ghost is haunting theme park site -> -> A ghostbuster claims the spirit of Count Dracula is haunting the proposed -> site of a theme park to be built in his name. -> -> Damian Ioan Cusleaga was asked to investigate after terrified tourists -> reported seeing the vampire's ghost wandering through the streets. "ZOINK! SCOOBY, IT'S THE G-G-G-GHOST OF THE V-V-V-VAMPIRE!" He goes around biting other ghosts on the neck. Then they turn into ghost vampires, or possibly vampire ghosts, unless they get bit by a reverse vampire, in which case they turn into reverse vampire ghosts, or vampire reverse ghosts, or reverse ghost vampires, or ghost reverse vampires. -> He believes Dracula has appeared to try and stop plans to create a -> Dracula theme park in the area from going ahead. You know your amusement park is a bad idea when even the guy it's named after thinks it's a stupid concept. Dracula's ghost is going around telling people, "Don't name a theme park after me, because I'm not even real!" -> The Dracula Park is to be built in Sighisoara - the hometown of 15th -> century Prince Vlad the Impaler who inspired Bram Stoker's Dracula novel. And then, Euro Disneyland will be picked up and impaled on it. -> The paranormal investigator said that there was definitely -> "some activity" in the area and he has set up video cameras -> to try to capture the ghost on film. Sadly, the ghost fogged up all the film while this moron was putting the film into his video camera. Also, it took all the batteries out of his wind-up toys. -> "If I find that the reports are correct and it is Dracula who has -> been terrorising people in Sighisoara then I intend to link up the -> cameras to the internet so that the world can see his ghost for -> themselves," he said. It's like "SETI@home" except that instead of using your computer to not see aliens, you'd use your computer to not see Dracula's ghost. Of course, you could use either program to not see Space Dracula. -- K. I'm not sure what planet he comes from, but I'll wager it's not in the constellation of the Southern Cross. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: How did I miss this news story? Date: Sun, 30 Jun 2002 07:36:00 GMT An Ananova news item from a week ago: -> Hindu group recommends cow dung against nuclear fallout -> -> A Hindu nationalist organisation is urging people in India to smear -> themselves in cow dung in the event of nuclear war. -> -> They claim it will protect against radiation burns. -> -> The Uttar Pradesh Cow Protection Commission also recommends daubing -> buildings in cow dung to protect them against nuclear fallout. -> -> Navyug newspaper reports the commission has come out with the advice as -> tensions continue with nuclear neighbour Pakistan. -> -> Its normal mission is to prevent the slaughter of the, mother cow, -> gaumata, which Hindus regard as holy and promotion of cow products like -> urine and dung for their 'medicinal properties'. -> -> Radheshyam Gupta, a spokesman for the commission, said: "Even if the enemy -> carries out the threat to bomb us with nukes we don't have to panic. You -> can fully protect yourselves by covering the roof with cow dung. -> -> "Applying cow dung paste to the body from head to toe will serve as an -> extra shield." Dammit, now I've got that old nuclear safety jingle running through my head: "There was a turtle by the name of Bert, and Bert the turtle was very alert. Whenever he got scared he knew just what to do: Dung... and cover! Dung... and cover!" -- K. Also, what sort of dung do you have to use if it's a war involving nuclear warheads _and_ guns? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: *Still* feeling underappreciated Date: Sun, 30 Jun 2002 21:42:40 GMT In article (tagutcow-3006020235310001@1cust210.tnt6.greensboro.nc.da.uu.net), "The Only Interpretation" (tagutcow@nr.infi.net) wrote: > > OK, at today's TAC meeting, we visited a digital photography studio. > After his presentation, I approached the man named Troy- taking my time > not to appear *too* eager- about possible career opportunities for me. He > was very obliging, and I told him about the photography portfolio on my > web page, which he expressed interest in seeing. What about all those semi-compressed pictures encoded in your Message-ID? I see at least six JPEGs and one layered CMYK Photoshop file in there. > So he pulled up a browser on a computer, and left me to locate my > web site on my own. I typed in my URL and clicked the SPE link. > I got bored waiting for him to come back, so I made a short circular > walk around the studio. When I came back, I found a group had amassed > around the computer, clicking on the thumbnails and vocally expressing > appreciation at the images thusly displayed. Somebody asked whose > pictures these were, and I casually remarked that the website > was, in fact, mine, whereupon I was showered with compliments. > > I have a blind spot when it comes to discernment in the visual arts. With > music, for instance, I can say "Well that's a sonata form without a > recapitulation," and can likely say with no small amount of certainty I > *understand* the piece in question. With visual art, there are far fewer > signposts, and the distinction between genius and bullshit is infinitely > more nebulous. Genius IS bullshit! You'd understand that if you'd seen ANY of Yahoo Serious's films! > Anyway, this experience was reassuring enough that my sense > of visual aesthetics isn't *completely* off. Capitals would look better than asterisks in THAT sentence. > Anyway, that's not what this post is about; this post is about the > continuing underappreciation of me on the internet. On ark, I'm just > another mildly irritating bozo,-- a weenerbrane, if you will. > On ta, I'm an apparent idiot ("You're just not very bright, are you?" > -- ACTUAL QUOTE.) At least they said "very", leaving open the possibility that they were insulting you for ONLY being bright. Did the person who insulted you have a giant, pulsing brain lobe extending out any of the sides of his head? Could he make green Lissajous figures in the air, with his mind? Was we wearing a silver cape with giant triangular shoulders? If so, I wouldn't worry about it, he was probably just a genius. And remember, genius is bullshit. Repeat after me: GENIUS IS BULLSHIT! OHWA TAGEE NIUH SIAM! GENIUS IS BULLSHIT! OHWA TAGEE NIUH SIAM! > Nowhere do I get props for bringing colorful, colloquial expression > into a text medium as arid as a mummy's fart, nor big ups for having > the courage to put up a web page with a color scheme of anything > *other* than red text on black, suffer though it might my being seen the > L33T HA><><0R (or someone fairly certain they're going to hell.) I fill > your lives with the beauty, and you kick me in the balls. > > :(~ <-- BOOLD RUNNIGN FROM MOUTH AFTER REPEADEDLY KICKED IN BALLS!! Is the blood red? And are you black? If so, you need to eat lots of BooBerry until all your vital fluids turn bright green, and then dye your skin some happy color like saffron. Otherwise, you are having a very trite, clichˇd injury. Notice how I typed the proper accent mark over the "e" in clichˇd because if I had just said "cliched" my point about the ontological nature of color on the Internet would have been less obvious. Also, I saw a movie on TV once that had Marshall McLuhan in it. He was funny! > Anyway, I showed Troy my Suburban Photography Exhibition, and some of my > graphic design portfolio, and he really liked it. This all *REALLY > HAPPENED* (sorry, Shari.) Anyway, after meeting with the folks in the > parking lot, and came back in with my mother to further inquire into > career opportunities. I introduced my mom to Troy, and Troy to my mom. He > said "Your son is very talented," and he was NOT HITTING ON MY MOM. I thought you were a musician or something, not into the visual arts. YOU CAN'T BE A VERY GOOD MUSICIAN IF YOU'RE REALLY AN ARTIST!!! I BET YOU'RE NOT EVEN PRETENTIOUS IN EITHER CAPACITY!!! and I HAVE MORE EXCLAMATION POINTS THAN YOU!!! -- K. I WIN!!! Now if you'll excuse me, I must find a minion to lace up my cape. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The kind of question only a Kibo person could answer Date: Sun, 30 Jun 2002 21:57:41 GMT "Phil (the Extreme One)" (nolemurz-at-earthlink-dot-net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, at the moment, I'm on a Green Line train, but the stations near > > me are closed due to track reconstruction, so I had to go down to > > Northeastern University, where a big Variable Message Sign (one of the > > ones with all the little discs that are yellow on one side and black > > on the other) was flipping back and forth between: > > > > TRAIN HERE > > > > GREEN LINE > > The sign is obviouslky b0rken. It was supposed to flip back and forth > between "GREEN TRAIN" and "LINE HERE" A lot of people would see the rows of > people standing there and not know that it is a line, so the helpful sign > would be there to let people know that yes, that collection of people that > looks like a line is, in fact, a line. Hopefully the other half of the > sign's message would be enough to inform them that the line for the green > train is right there, not anywhere else, and not for any other color train. I will assume you don't live in Boston. In Boston, people do not form lines for the trains. They all get on the train simultaneously, trampling all those old ladies who are trying to get out. This is why the floor of the average Green Line train is littered with discarded newspapers and old ladies who have been crushed flat. The only way to tell them apart is to see whether the words "Bernard Cardinal Law" are printed on them, because the newspapers always have an article about him, and they always print the parts of his name out of sequence like that. Why don't they also write about "John Pope Paul II"? Mystery, it's a. > > I was just happy that two nights ago I was eating oyster crackers [...] > > Once in a while when I'm feeling unusually ambitious I reassemble all > > the little hexagons into the shape of the endless belt of dough the > > machine at the factory is stamping out. This is why I don't buy > > Goldfish crackers very often. It's hard to fit fish back together > > into a primordial rectangle! > > I have been disturbed by Goldfish crackers ever since I discovered that > they have smiley faces on them. I can't sleep knowing that there are > smiling crackers making their way through my intestines. Just think of it this way: After eating Goldfish, your intestines are smiling. > > I can't wait for Ore-Ida to invent chocolate-covered > > onion rings with blue filling, so I can hate them too. > > Blue onions can be created quite easily through thr addition of large > quantities of blue dye during the onion disassembly process. OH NO! THE SECRET IS OUT! ORE-IDA'S PATENTED PROCESS FOR MAKING BLUE JUNK FOOD IS RUINED! NOW OTHER COMPANIES WILL KNOW HOW TO DO IT! Ore-Ida will have to switch to making their products weird, unnatural colors that can't be made with dye. Expect to see Trinitite-glazed fries. -- K. The best part is you can cook 'em really fast. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Return of the Gokmop Date: Tue, 2 Jul 2002 05:58:41 GMT Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > Zixia (abuse@clu.org.uk) wrote: > > > > My niece had a bouncy castle at her birthday celebration the other > > day but I wasn't allowed to play in it, so I didn't see the point. > > I was at my nephew's birthday party on Saturday (they have function > rooms for parties at the local YMCA, which was cool) and there was a > big inflatable bouncy thing they called "The castle", and there was only > two kids allowed in at any one time (three if they were small). > Anyways, once the thing was inflated, the 12-year-old local girl who > was serving as YMCA monitor lost all control of how many kids got into > the 'castle', and was almost yelling at kids (2-4 year olds) to get out. > > Since all of the parents of these hellions were busy talking about taxes > and lawns and stuff, I volunteered to keep an eye on the bouncy castle. > As soon as some little kid got near the doorway, I'd grab them and toss > them overhand into the huge pit full of soft plastic balls, which they > enjoyed tremendously. Some of the parents were concerned with their kids > flying 10 feet though the air, but the kids seemed to like it (lots of > repeat customers), but nobody called the cops so no harm done. > > It almost all came to ruin when I taught the kids to split into two > teams and each take one side of the castle, so they could coordinate > their jumping so as to get a positive reinforcement thing happening > with the air pressure in the floor of the castle, so when one side > came down from jumping, the other side could take advantage of the > surge of air to the other side and jump higher, and then back and forth > like that until they were all bouncing off the ceiling. It was working > just fine (kids are smart when it comes to bouncing), but all of a > sudden the YMCA girl killed the compressor that inflated the castle > and it collapsed. Oh, the humanity. I had to crawl into the deflated > castle and drag one ot two kids out (we didn't lose anybody), but I > did yell at the YMCA girl for collapsing the castle with kids inside, > even though the kids thought it was fun, and I think my five-year-old > nephew got his first kiss (and it wasn't even "yucky", so he says; > we're all very proud of him). You know what would make that story more fun? If you were Jack Webb. You'd still supervise the kids in the ball pit, but then once the kids popped it, you'd give them a stern lecture, then pat them down for LSD and say, "There's a building down the street full of magic cubes. They call 'em books. It's the library. Check it out!" Then you and your partner, Sargeant Saklad, would head off to the Boston Public Library, which would be in the Daily Planet Building for some reason. After a message from the makers of Chesterfield cigarettes, a voiceover would tell everyone that the bad kids were sentenced to twenty years in the ball pit, and then one of them drowned in the ball pit because his parents were smoking reefer. You and Don would look at each other and shake your heads sadly, then you'd crush a ball in your fist. Either that, or you could just change the story to be about one of those inflatable bouncy things which is also a ball pit, to combine kids' two favorite things that aren't candy or actual fun. Toys R Us sells about fifty different inflatable things that come with a Baggie of balls -- I think all the different inflatables are made by the same manufacturer, and none of them indicates how many balls are included, so I guess maybe five or six. My favorite is the "realistic" inflatable half-size school bus "with Surprise Ball Drop!" in the roof. Riding the little bus was never so much fun before they added the Surprise Ball Drop! But what would be more fun would be a giant clear plastic ball with big plastic balls inside it, and smaller plastic balls inside those, and tiny plastic balls in those, and in the very center a happy volvox would be jumping up and down, yelling, "I'm a big boy!" Incidentally, kids have found out the secret that golf balls are filled with deadly acid that can dissolve children, but they haven't yet caught on that ball pit balls are filled with swarms of live cooties. That's what makes them bouncy. -- K. The Surprise Ball Drop is most effective if Walt Disney has just set up a thousand mousetraps inside. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why don't bugs leave me alone?? Date: Tue, 2 Jul 2002 06:37:47 GMT Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > There is a dead wasp in my bathtub. How the hell these things keep getting > in here is beyond me. All of my windows have screens. My door is always > shut except for when I am going in and out and believe me, if a wasp > followed me into the house, I would know it! There is a vestibule between > my front door and my apartment door. I would surely see a wasp flying > around if it happened to be tailing me in. Of course, I'd then run like > hell and look like an idiot but that is not the point we are discussing > here. > > And the other day, I had a beetle the size of Godzilla marching around in my > kitchen. > > Last summer it was a fly infestation. This year I have these weird little > moth-like thingies. > > What's next? Anyone got ants? Who wants to give me some ants? > > ~T (that damn wasp is too big to be flushed down the drain...uh-oh...) The bugs would leave you alone if you'd stop dressing up like Maya from "Space: 1999". On the sixteenth "Space: 1999" DVD, there is an interview with Catherine "Maya" Schell filmed in 1976 (between shooting scenes for "A Matter Of Balance", while a bald guy wearing only a diaper and cape, and a monster with a frog head and samurai armor cavort in the background) where she's sitting there trying to talk to us about her glamorous character (with the giant red hair, the lentils glued onto her eyebrows, and the painted-on sideburns that go across her ears) but bees keep trying to eat her head while she's talking to us about the wonders of "Space: 1999". Luckily, I had just seen an episode in which Maya turned into a bee, so that she could fly into the ear of an indestructible robot monster and make its brain explode by walking around in it, so the interview was especially fun because I kept hoping the bee would explode her head, showering Diaperman and Amphibious Samurai with red hair and lentils. (I don't have anything against her, but the possibility of a space chick's head exploding on TV is always something to look forward to.) The DVDs also include a whole bunch of versions of one commercial they made to advertise the second season (1976) where, in every one, Martin Landau explains that Maya is "the Wonder Woman of science fiction!" and then he tells us to watch "Space: 1999" and Barbara Bain leans over and says "Right here... on WJAR-10!" or "Right here... on 11 Alive!" or "Right here... on Yukon 12!" or "Right here... on Awesome 13 WBVD!" or whatever, and then they try to smile at each other with a slightly greater undercurrent of horror behind their faces each time as they freeze-frame. Incidentally, in Barbara Bain's interview (in front of Diaperman), she comes across as charming and zany and fun to be around, like she was in various projects before "Space: 1999", so the mystery remains why she was trying so hard to not act at all on "Space: 1999". My guess is that the show somehow crushed her spirit, or possibly she was just horrified by the sight of bees blowing up the heads of big-haired women with lentils stuck to their face. And then there's the bald guy wearing only the golden diaper and yellow cape. He had the fourth most humiliating costume on "Space: 1999". The other three: Brian Blessed in "The Metamorph" with his head painted red and white. The whispering guy in "Space Warp" wearing a fluorescent magenta Ultraman mask with his mustache showing through the mouth hole. Martin Landau in "The Immunity Syndrome" wearing the special protective suit that's totally light-proof, sound-proof, and has no nose holes. I think that if the show had been renewed for a third season it would have revolved around the four of them as a team of superheroes. "See Diaperman, Candycane Brian Blessed, Gay Ultraman, and Extremely Unhappy Martin Landau battle crime with their terrifying ability to look like dorks!" So you see, Tamara, that wasp died in your bathtub as a warning: They're going to film the third season of "Space: 1999" in your tub. -- K. The Moon could double as a loofah. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why don't bugs leave me alone?? Date: Wed, 3 Jul 2002 02:25:24 GMT Jim Vandewalker (jim.vandewalker@verizon.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So you see, Tamara, that wasp died in your bathtub as a warning: > > They're going to film the third season of "Space: 1999" in your tub. > > 'Space' in Italian is 'SPAZIO'!!!!1!! HAW HAW! For some Italian "movie" made from three "Spazio: 1999" reruns, Ennio Morricone recorded a new piece of theme music consisting of a whole lot of musicians doing completely random, atonal, arhythmic trombones spaz fits, someone flailing at a drum kit, and trumpets making the sound of Miss Othmar clearing her throat. It's on one of my Morricone CDs, and it's a real puzzler because it's not only weirdly long (four and a half minutes of random loud noises) but it's also the only time I've heard Morricone being unwilling to actually try to compose music for any TV show or movie that wanted to hire him. This is a guy who composed incredibly memorable music for even the cheapest spaghetti Westerns, and yet something happened that caused him to try to accompany "Spazio: 1999" with a four-and-a-half-minute version of the sound of Fibber McGee opening his closet. "Space: 1999" was partly funded by Italians, but I don't know why they felt they had to have their own awful theme music for the Italian reruns instead of the normal music (first-season orchestral theme by Barry Gray with electric guitar disco riffs by Vic Elms, second-season music by Derek Wadsworth.) Derek Wadsworth said (in an interview on www.Space1999.net): -> -> I did three different themes for Space: 1999 and the one that was chosen -> wasn't my favourite at the time, although it is now. I favoured a theme -> that was much more 'swirly', but listening to it now it's bloody awful. ...I'd agree that it wasn't the best (mainly because the volume was cranked way up, and then everything was deliberately electronically flanged, so that the music is all distorted -- I always say it "sounds blurry") but it's better than Morricone's endless cacophony. Incidentally, Vic Elms, who arranged the disco-ish parts of the original theme music, probably got the job because he was producer Sylvia Anderson's son-in-law. They asked him to do the incidental music for one episode ("Ring Around The Moon"), but the session musicians refused to work with him, and the show's musical director discovered that Elms couldn't read music or write scores (obviously necessary to synchronize music with edited film) so he got fired and his music was redone by someone else. (This background comes from www.Fanderson.org.uk and www.Space1999.net.) The episode wound up with this piece of music as the evil space brain planet encased the Moon in a shell of lemony glaze: piano jazz plus "Wa...wa! Wa...wa! Wa...wa!" That's the sort of thing Ennio Morricone would have done if he had done that episode and he had been so pressed for time that he had to compose and record it while driving to the studio. I have no idea what the "Spazio: 1999" people did to him to get him to compose what he did, which wasn't even a bad Morricone-style piece... In fact, even John Cage would have said "You call THAT music?" -- K. On TV, "Spazio: 1999" used the real "Space: 1999" opening theme, but at the end of the second-season episodes they played some song titled "S.O.S. Spazio: 1999" by some Italians collectively known as "Oliver Onions". I have no idea how bad it was, but I have no doubt that bad it was. I'm waiting for it to download, right now! God bless the Internet for allowing me to swipe music from a TV show from thirty years ago from Italy. I don't know what it'll sound like, but it's FREE! And ITALIAN! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why don't bugs leave me alone?? Date: Wed, 3 Jul 2002 00:36:27 GMT Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...in "Space: 1999", in 1976, there was] a bald guy wearing only > > a diaper and cape, > > So THAT's where I got the stupid idea for that Halloween costume! Except > it probably would have been better if I had been bald at the time. I can't wait until I go bald so that I can say "I'm not bald, I'm from outer space!" and "Space: 1999" fans will bow down before me even if I'm not wearing a diaper, cape, or combination thereof which would be called a "diapcaper" on even days and a "caperdiap" on odd days. Originally on "Star Trek: The Next Generation", they were going to have Patrick Stewart wear a diaper and a cape, but they got sued by "Space: 1999", and they couldn't figure out where to pin the little row of four dots that makes him a captain, so they just changed to having him wear the little mini-dress "skant" outfit that you sometimes saw men wearing in the background during the first season, but he paid them never to show those episodes. Sadly, they're not included in the DVD box sets of "Star Trek: The Next Generation", nor do the "Space: 1999" box sets contain the half of an episode they were filming when Lew Grade came onto the set and told them all the show was cancelled, much to everyone's relief. However, the final "Space: 1999" DVD does contain a gallery of photos of Maya's head being squeezed in a giant wooden vice so that they could photograph animals coming out of her eye for the title sequence, while simultaneously allowing her to catch up on the amount of suffering she missed by only having been in one episode of the first season. The vise was two really big blocks of wood, with five or six pegs sticking out of each in order to clamp Catherine Shell's head in the most rigid and painful manner possible. Matt theorized that there was a toddler standing next to it hammering the pegs in with a big plastic mallet. I think that's true, and that the toddler also wrote the episode about the guy from the diaper dimension. These days, there is little big-budget science fiction on TV with bald guys in diapers and capes, although I have my hopes that before long "Enterprise" will do an episode where Scott Bakula gets his brain switched with a baby that only Dean Stockwell can see, and the Klingons will board the ship and diaper him, then Dean Stockwell will get him out of it by poking a cluster of Legos in his hand. Maybe the BBC will revive "Blakes7", and the four or five crew members of Blake's apostrophe-less not-seven squad will all wear disposable diapers with their K-Mart windbreakers. Or maybe someone will just make a new version of "One Step Beyond" titled "One Step Beyond In A Diaper", which will be just as bad as the original series, plus diapers. Of course, I said "big-budget science fiction", and "Blakes7" wasn't big-budget, and "One Step Beyond" wasn't big-budget or science fiction or science or fiction or entertainment of any sort, but I reserve my right to make fun of the diaper versions of those shows anyway, because they're dopey, in or out of their diapers. Maybe instead they should just make a show that's wholly unlike "Blakes7" in every way. It could be called "Apostrophe", and it would feature lots of ultra-realistic fight scenes that would accidentally turn into bloody "Fight Club" brawls where all the actors would be seriously injured. Also, every week, instead of Space Commander Travis pulling a gun on them every week but never bothing to kill them, a different guy would successfully kill all of them, and he'd be named Regular Commander Travis and he'd wear an eyepatch that would be completely transparent except for a little opaque dot in the center. And all the spaceships would have four dimensions instead of two and instead of being hand- tinted black and white cutouts they'd be "Mad" Fold-Ins folded with someone's feet. It would all be an improvement, whether it was the opposite of "Diaper Blakes7" or just the opposite of "Non-Diaper Blakes7". -- K. Now if you'll excuse me, Tom Bosley is riding a mechanical bull on my TV. This is represented by a shot of him from the neck up as he leans back and forth in his seat, followed by a commercial break, followed by a shot of him on the ground ten feet from the mechanical bull. This makes "Blakes7" look violent. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Attn: Terri and Harlan Date: Tue, 2 Jul 2002 06:54:29 GMT Darla (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > So a good doggie friend of Reilly's by the name of Meg chewed and > swallowed a latex dog toy because of separation anxiety. I'm not sure, but I think the word "doggie" is the keystone in that arch. > Her pack went to Australia for 6 months and couldn't take her, > so she was staying with her Auntie Nancy. Anyway, some latex got > stuck in her bowel If I worked in a hospital emergency ward, I could predict the next sentence: "Doctor, it must have happened by accident when I sat on it by mistake without trying to, while I wasn't watching 'Popeye' cartoons!" ...then the doctor would say "Uh-uh. Sure. Now please walk THIS way," while riding a Hoppity-Hop across the emergency ward, and everyone would laugh. I'm not quite sure if I carried that thought too far, and I can't find the keystone wedged in that arch. > and the vet was all over doing surgery when SUDDENLY she (the > vet) had an idea: Auntie Nancy had to cut the crusts off of white > bread and make special Vaseline and Cheez-Whiz sandwiches (real > thick!) for Meggie to eat! Meg had to eat SIX SANDWICHES A DAY for > two days, at the end of which the vet would still operate if another > x-ray showed that the latex thing was still in there. I understand the purpose of the sandwiches, but why did they need Vaseline if they had Cheez Whiz? > PS: It wasn't. > PPS: Auntie Nancy's yard was full of slimy orange poop. > PPPS: Meggie LOVES Vaseline and Cheez-Whiz sandwiches > PPPPS: Cheez-Whiz is the national snack of Canada Why? Does Canada have latex stuck in its bowel? -- K. Given that "Kraft Macaroni & Cheese" is called "Kraft Dinner" up there, why isn't "Cheez Whiz" "Doggie Dinner"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Why has this not been mocked? Date: Tue, 2 Jul 2002 08:21:05 GMT This is a four-page press release, or as they'd call it, a four-hundred- forty-four-page press release. I think the only reasons nobody's mocked this yet is that (1) sweet fancy Surak, this is so mega-dopey that it makes my brain hurt, and (2) this stupid press release is only in 2-D and therefore not fun. -> VIRTUAL-CONVENTIONS, LLC -> FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE -> WORLD'S FIRST OFFICIAL 3D VIRTUAL -> STAR TREK(TM) CONVENTION -> LOBBY OPENS & PASSES GO ON SALE -> -> LOS ANGELES (June 15, 2002) - The paint's all dry and the -> carpet's virtually vacuumed at the first-ever Official 3D -> Virtual Star Trek Convention. BE STILL MY VIRTUALLY BEATING HEART! At last I will be able to meet imaginary "Star Trek" characters in an imaginary world, instead of that damn real world that they seem so out of place in! I LOVE YOU, IMAGINARY SPOCK! -> With their license from Viacom Consumer Products, -> virtual-conventions, llc has opened the 3D virtual lobby doors. -> One-Day and Three-Day Event Passes are on-sale from the Lobby -> for this exciting virtual event that takes place worldwide -> August 2-4, 2002. Gee, I wonder whether they'd be happy to be paid in virtual money. -> In the pre-show 3D virtual lobby, attendees can stroll past -> the Incoming Hail wall for information on upcoming events -> and confirmed celebrities, enjoy the video wall, chat with -> an E-author from Pocket Books, interact with characters from -> Star Trek: The Experience WOW! I CAN USE MY COMPUTER TO PRETEND I'M ACTUALLY VISITING THAT CASINO THAT HAS THE "STAR TREK" GIFT SHOP AND "STAR TREK" THRILL RIDE AND "STAR TREK" SPORTS BAR IN IT! It's almost more stupid than the actual casino! (If Elvis had known that the Las Vegas Hilton would one day become a "Star Trek"-themed casino, he would've shot all the TV screens in the whole country.) Also, is this "E-author from Pocket Books" their way of admitting that "Star Trek" novels are coming out of a giant computer running continously in a back room? -> and most of all, hang out "virtually" with Star Trek fans -> from around the world for free. "We wanted to give the fans -> a place in advance of the virtual convention to practice -> their navigation skills and show off their chosen avatars," -> says W. Vito Montone, Founder and Chairman of virtual-conventions, -> llc. "With their free registration, attendees receive a generic -> androgynous avatar - tee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW *cough*cough* *FART* (sound of Lucille Ball stomping on grapes) (sound of Laurel & Hardy dropping a piano down the world's longest stairs) (sound of a Hindenburg packed with screaming Richard Simmons clones falling into a volcano) (sound of two more Hindenburgs colliding. On them are painted the words "ANDROGYNOUS" and "AVATAR".) -> a 3D body - to stroll around and get accustomed to their -> virtual existence." Once attendees purchase their 3D event pass, -> they can choose from dozens of Star Trek avatars from Star Trek -> the original series, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: -> Deep Space Nine and Enterprise. But not the "Star Trek" cartoon show from the 1970s! That's because it was just a CARTOON and not suitable for these polygonal videogame mannequin "avatars"! -> Avatar selection includes Starfleet, Vulcans, -> Romulans, Andorians, Klingons, Ferengi, Cardassians, Borgs, -> Bajorans and more. "We will keep adding new avatars -> throughout June until the complete set of all three tiers -> are available," adds Mr. Montone. OOH! OOH! I WANNA BE WIL WHEATON! I'm not sure which tier he's in, but that one must be THE COOL TIER. -> Just as with any real-life convention, there are different -> levels of event passes, giving access to more exclusive -> aspects of the event. There are two ways to participate- the -> fully interactive 3D virtual convention and a video-only -> experience. -> -> - more - -> -> [page break] -> -> 2-2-2 -> -> Both ways to participate will have access to the "live" -> streaming video/audio from Creation Entertainment's Official -> Star Trek Convention being held in Las Vegas at the Hilton -> Hotel. Virtual Conventions llc is pleased to announce a star -> filled "live" broadcast: Leonard Nimoy, Kate Mulgrew, George -> Takei, Walter Koenig, Nichelle Nichols, Robbie McNeill, Nana -> Visitor, Marina Sirtis, Richard Arnold, Grace Lee Whitney, -> Max Grodenchik, Chase Masterson, Aron Eisenberg, Lolita -> Fatjo, Anthony Montgomery, Dominick Keating and John -> Billingsley are scheduled to appear on-line over the -> threeday convention. Wow! What are the chances of them getting Max Grodenchik AND Lolita Fatjo? But where are Hugo Clunderdonk, Riffley Glorb, and Floyd Shemelmehay? (I take it Ed Begley Jr. has other plans that week?) -> 3D Virtual Convention General Admission Pass -> -> Attendees will cruise a multi-room virtual convention hall -> complete with Grand Ballroom, a Star Trek Mall and lounges. -> Features include a wide-shot "live" streaming video/audio -> from the stage of the real-world convention, private or -> public 3D chat, and Trivia Challenge and Virtual Pursuit -> activities everyday. Attendees will have access to up to 6 -> hours of video and 8 hours of convention each day. A One-Day -> General Admission Pass is $14.95 USD, and all three days are -> just $39.95 USD! ...a savings of almost five dollars off the other way to waste three days while pretending to be a Klingon while you're really at home naked! -> 3D Virtual Convention Preferred Pass -> -> The Preferred Pass has the same features of the General -> Admission Pass PLUS a private, medium close-up video/audio -> of the "live" convention stage, the ability to submit -> questions to the actors on stage in Las Vegas, the ability -> to post their personal auctions in a special trading room -> and access to the private Green Room to chat with selected -> actors The first scheduled Preferred Pass Celebrity Chat is -> Dominick Keating. A One-Day Preferred Pass is $39.95 USD, -> with all three days just $99.95 USD! But why stop there? This is only a virtual pretend convention (in Three-Dee), so there's no reason it has to end at all! Attend the world's first Three-Dee Perma-Maginary Forever-Land "Star Trek" convention for only $24.95 a day for the rest of your life! Sign up right there underneath the 3-D "NO REFUNDS" sign! And for just $199.95 extra, you can have virtual imaginary pretend cybersex with your choice of Captain Kirk or the evil Captain Kirk from the parallel universe! -> - more - -> -> [page break] -> -> 3-3-3 (Is it just me, or do you agree that this press release isn't important enough to warrant a triply-redundant fail-safe page-numbering system?) -> Pay-per-view -> -> August 2-4, 2002, both Mac and Windows users can choose a -> video-only experience so they won't miss Creation -> Entertainment's Official Star Trek Convention in Las Vegas. -> Group or private chat is a NEW FEATURE added for the -> video-only attendees. -> -> Attendees will have access to up to 6 hours of streamed -> video per day. A Per-Per-View One-Day Pass is $9.95 USD and -> three days is only $24.95 USD. You know, if they hadn't reduced the price by five cents, it would have seemed like a RIP-OFF. -> Avatar Upgrades -> -> There are dozens of Star Trek avatars from The Original -> Series, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine and Enterprise -> in both female and male versions. Every attendee can select -> from a group of Starfleet Ensigns or Klingon Warriors for -> FREE. But there are many more avatars to choose from. Each -> special avatar group upgrade has a Private Lounge and all -> upgrades are good for all three convention days. Attendees -> can select from Starfleet Commanders, Romulan Centurions or -> Ferengi Merchants for only $14.95 USD. Or, Starfleet & -> Klingon Captains, Romulan Commanders, Cardassians Guls, Borg -> Drones or Ferengi DaiMons for just $29.95 USD. Can I be Eliott Gould as Herb Goodman? -> The Vir-Con 2002 web site (www.vir-con.net) provides news -> and information about registration and will include updates -> on scheduled celebrity appearances, features, activities, -> ticket discounts and convention schedules. -> -> - more - -> -> [page break] -> -> 4-4-4 -> -> About virtual-conventions, llc -> -> virtual-conventions, llc delivers mega-brand 3D convention -> events to consumers worldwide on the Internet. We simply -> connect(TM). To learn more about virtualconventions, llc, -> please visit us at www.virtual-conventions.com. mega-brand! MEGA-BRAND! MMMMMMEGA-BRAND! That's megasinine! -> About Viacom Consumer Products, Inc. -> -> Viacom Consumer Products, Inc. merchandises properties on -> behalf of Paramount Pictures, Paramount Television, Viacom -> Productions, and Spelling Television, as well as third-party -> properties. Viacom Consumer Products, a unit of Viacom -> Entertainment Group, is a subsidiary of Viacom Inc. To learn -> more about Viacom Consumer Products and our properties, -> please visit us at www.viacomcp.com. "Viacom Consumer Products"? What, they also have a military division producing lethal "Star Trek" episodes just for the Army? -> Star Trek(TM), (R) and (c) 2002 Paramount Pictures -> Corporation. All Rights Reserved. Star Trek and Related -> Marks is Trademarks of Paramount Pictures. -> -> # # # Tune in next year to learn about the world's first # # # FOUR-DIMENSIONAL RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL! # # # ...in the Imaginarium Of Erehwon! It's so realistic, you'll see the runs in the avatars' tights! Put your virtual lips on the imaginary leather mugs! You'll meet pictures of your favorite E-authors and be personally greeted by the cartoon mascots of globally-recognized mega-brands! Everyone who signs up will receive a free souvenir E-mail from an authentic Middle English-speaking spambot! -- K. P.S. I like "Star Trek". I just hate everything else associated with it. I do want to attend WorldCon 2004 (in Boston), though. I'll be the guy wandering around the show floor yelling "THIS WOULD BE BETTER IF IT WERE IN THREE-DEE!" Sadly, WorldCon is more oriented towards science fiction from actual books, not the TWO-DEE TEE-VEE stuff. But it still must be good because it costs $120 (more if you don't register two years in advance.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Grocery list Date: Tue, 2 Jul 2002 08:44:29 GMT Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@neosoft.dontspam.com) wrote: > > clorax milk > dishwasher razors > chicken fizz napkins > plastic tooth beer > towel juice > fruit flavored kleenex > ice cube soup (2 cans) And thus, because Jim Henson was careful to write in his will that Froggy would be put in charge of Bert and Ernie when Henson died, his heirs were careful to never find his will, and now "Sesame Street" is no fun any more. The End. However, "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood" never gets worse. Sure, they're all re-runs, but weren't they always? This week, King Friday made one of his typical insane proclamations, declaring that all citizens would have to wear three-cornered hats, because he said so, or else. But that bad-skinned curmudgeon Lady Elaine Fairchild was the only one who refused to wear one, and started squirting people with garden hoses if they said the words "three-cornered hat", and she held out all week, and just as we were about to learn a valuable lesson about standing up to fascist dictators, King Friday decreed that everyone else could stop wearing the funny hats if Lady Elaine put one on, presumably to show that he was more interested in demonstrating his complete domination over her rather than any actual interest in hats, but because he had only said "everyone must wear one with three corners" she wore ONE scarf which had three corners, thus knuckling under to authority by obeying the letter of the law but not the spirit, and then everyone took off their hats and Mr. Rogers explained that both King Friday and Lady Elaine were trying to be the most important person in the kingdom, and people like that are no fun to be around, so I learned that you should never be the only one not to obey the dictator because that makes you an asshole. Except he didn't say "asshole", but you could tell he was thinking it. But "Sesame Street" is awful now. Especially given that they've decided to slavishly imitate "Blue's Clues" (which was a fine show the FIRST time someone thought of it) -- if PBS's programs are just going to imitate Nickelodeon's, then maybe we really should cancel PBS's government funding and give all our tax dollars to Nickelodeon. After all, Nickelodeon is clearly hurting -- their ads for their crummy "Hey Arnold!" movie tell me to see it because "The only movie from Nickelodeon this summer is 'Hey Arnold!'" If they can only make one movie per summer, and if they can only come up with such lame reasons to see it, they deserve a billion-dollar bailout. -- K. Other dumb things people said on TV this week: "I thought the test was boring..." -- college-age loser on why the SAT should be banned, or at least have more explosions "322 out of 356 days..." -- Channel 4 newsreader on how Indonesia has the most thunderstorms, and also the shortest year ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.time-travel,sci.physics.relativity,alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Time Balloons Date: Tue, 2 Jul 2002 09:01:11 GMT Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.sci.time-travel, sci.physics.relativity, & alt.sci.physics.new-theories, "RTT" (rtt@comcast.net) wrote: > > I read about a theoretical time machine experiment by Yakir Aharonov > in which a massive balloon that can be instantaneously inflated or > deflated can be used to travel through time somehow by altering the > worldline of a person inside of it. The balloon can supposedly allow > a person inside to travel either forward OR backward in time. "The Time Balloon" was my favorite Irwin Allen TV series. I loved watching Robert Colbert and James Darren blowing up balloons every week. Remember the one where James Darren accidentally inhaled some helium and sang about surfing, in a chipmunk voice? Or the one where evil lawyers chased Robert Colbert across the backlot because he had one of those balloons with Mickey ears? I cried when they showed the final episode, where a friendly red balloon led them home. > Although I can see how such a device might be used to alter one?s time > passage into the future by either speeding up or slowing down a > person?s passage of time into the future, I don?t see how altering the > gravitational density of such an object could allow one to travel > backwards in time. > > Any help clarifying all this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! Nobody will buy a time machine that squeaks when you rub it. Ones with blinking lights, those are the ones that consumers demand. Invest in the companies that make blinky components and you'll clean up when Sony introduces the TimeMan. -- K. Of course, it still might flop if they let some guy direct the commercials just because he's H.G. Wells's great-grandson. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New catalog. Boston Public Library. Date: Wed, 3 Jul 2002 00:26:23 GMT Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.ai.mit.edu), wrote: > > > > What do you folks out there think of the lib's new catalog at > > http://www.bpl.org/catalogs/frame_mbln.htm > > I like it. As these things go, it seems utilitarian and relatively > harmless. THE BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY IS NOT HARMLESS IT IS THE FOCAL POINT OF ALL EVIL IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE AND IT KILLED TED KENNEDY AND FIRED JACK PAAR AND CREATED THE MARRIAGE TAX AND BLEW UP THAT HANGAR WHERE THE CRASHED FLYING SAUCER USED TO BE AND THEY LURE BABIES INTO THEIR RESTROOMS AND MAKE THEM INTO BABY POWDER WHICH IS SOLD AT TRADER JOE'S AND THAT'S WHY THE TOILET STALLS HAVE NO DOORS TO MAKE YOU THINK THEY HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE EVEN THOUGH IT MUST BE A REALLY BIG CONSPIRACY BECAUSE IT WAS NEVER ON 60 MINUTES AND THEY ADD INVISIBLE CHEMICALS TO THE PERIODICALS TO AFFECT YOUR MENSTRUAL CYCLE EVEN IF YOU ARE A MAN AND THEY USE THE BOOKS IN THEIR SCIENCE SECTION TO CLONE DINOSAURS AND THEY'RE MEAN TO ME AND SO ARE THE DINOSAURS BOTH OF WHICH CHARGE ME EXCESSIVE FINES FOR BOOKS I TOOK EVEN WHEN I'M NOT EVEN READING THEM AND TO PROVE IT ASK IF THERE IS A DISCOUNT FOR MEMBERS OF THE TRILATERAL COMMISSION AND THEY'LL SAY THERE ISN'T BECAUSE YOUR FINES PAY THEM NOT TO TELL YOU AND I TRIED TO ADD UP THE TOTAL COST OF THE BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY'S CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY BUT BERNIE MARGOLIS REPLACED ALL MY ADDING MACHINE TAPE WITH DUCT TAPE! ALSO I AM NOT SHOUTING I AM JUST TYPING IN ALL CAPITALS SO THERE WILL BE SOME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND DON SAKLAD! AM!!!!!! NOT!!!!!!!!!! SHOUTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > > Cheers! and a Happy Fourth! > > Same to you, Don! Yes, happy Fourth, Don. But I do note that anti-terrorist security in Boston for the Fourth is really tight everywhere except the Boston Public Library. After all, why would the forces of global terrorism want to blow up their own secret headquarters? -- K. My favorite library card catalog system is ELVIS, the Emerson (College) Library Visual Information System, because it's named after someone cooler than the District Of Newark System Accessing Kard Lookups And Databases. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New catalog. Boston Public Library. Date: Wed, 3 Jul 2002 00:26:32 GMT Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > Thank you for on the mark comments Jacob W. Haller! > > Please send along the comments to the lib, email: > info (at sign) bpl.org > > > BPL believes incorrectly there's no other way to include features! Don, which drawer of the old filing cabinet do you belong in? -- K. I prefer my library not to include features. I get those at the movie theater or in the back half of the newspaper. The library should contain nothing but books, periodicals, microfilm, microfiche, and one of those big light-up maps where you can push the button to make the location of the only working microfilm machine glow. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Speaking of PETA Date: Wed, 3 Jul 2002 00:46:58 GMT Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > I had a dream last night that highway workers used a large bird called a > Surf Gull. It was a very tall bird, shoulders at manheight with a long > neck. On command, the surf gull would lower its head and use its sharp > beak to drill a nice hole in the asphalt. > > PETA was not amused. > > Then I dreamed that I told this dream to someone. > > I think a Surf Gull would make a nice pet. I never did figure out how > the Surf Gull made its head spin around like that. I did figure out > once how an animal could have a spherical wheel to move with, but unless > the Surf Gull's brain is some.....wait I figured it out! The bill only > needs to do the drilling and it is inamina...inanin...imani...not alive. > > THANKS! > > My shrink says to imagine that I am every character in the dream (one at > a time, I think). Perhaps I had a headache in my sleep. Am I the > asphalt, the Surf Gull, or the highway worker? Or the PETA folks? Maybe you're the person you dreamed you were telling the dream to, or the psychiatrist who charged you good money even though they had no idea what the dream meant. Speaking of gooney construction equipment: It's hot here, almost a hundred degrees. And it smells like asphalt. They're rebuilding the intersection outside my apartment building. Parked there is a really interesting construction vehicle. It's big and yellow and covered with doohickeys and shaped roughly like a giant Zamboni, except that it has tank treads. And I don't mean little ones either, I mean full-length tank treads. And stencilled on the side in Futura Black (the official typeface of the Boston Police Department, the Boston Fire Department, and "Space: 1999") it tells me that it's owned by the Don Martin Corporation. So now I keep thinking that this thing will be wobbling down the street going "BWOINGGG! SPLOIT! FOINSAPP! POIT! STROIN-GOINK!" while being driven by a guy named Fonebone whose big toes stick straight up through holes in his high-top sneakers, with his zigzaggy tongue hanging out sideways, and then the machine would go "BLORCH! GLIT! GLORT! BLEEBLE! DURP! FLOOB-A-DOOB!" But that's beside the point. Other horrifying visions are afoot, if the concept of visions having feet isn't terrifying in and of itself. The scary things I saw last night were beyond description, so I'll describe them now. Long-time readers may be aware that I usually do my grocery shopping at the Prudential Star Market. This market is in the basement of a skyscraper, and the market is shaped like an "L". You go in through the toe of the "L", and all the frozen food and milk and meat and cola is in the head of the "L", so everyone has to go past that corner in the crotch of the "L". The crotch is where they put silly impulse- purchase items that are supposed to shock you into buying them by accident. The crotch contains a little florist shop with lots of silver balloons shaped like bumblebees with two faces (one on each side of the flat bee), and on the far side of the flower shop, a rack of American Greetings brand greeting cards. American Greetings has introduced a new product line, "Twisted Whiskers". It consists entirely of cards that have either a picture of a kitty or a picture of a doggie staring out of the front. In all cases, the pictures have been crudely retouched to make the eyeballs five times larger. Turning the corner of the Prudential Star's crotch now suddenly brings you face-to-face with an entire wall of deformed pets. Eeeeeeeeeeeeek! Clearly, someone at American Greetings got a free copy of Kai's SuperGoo (Lite) with their new flatbed scanner. And clearly, they were so entranced with it that they decided to discontinue most of their "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" cards in favor of "HAVE A DEFORMED CAT" cards. Who is the intended audience? People who find Louis Wain's final paintings perky and joyous? People who have defective bifocals that render the eyeballs of anything they look at five times too small? I was too horrified to look inside the cards, but I will wager that when you open them up there's a picture of the inside of a kitty, with a grossly enlarged gall bladder or something. And then you can guess what would be on the back. There's no possibility that these cards just say "I WUV CUTESY KITTIES!" in florid script, because the people who designed these cards were clearly psychopaths who thought that greeting cards should make people run out of the room screaming. I thought about taking a picture of The Wall Of Terrifyingly Distorted Pets to prove I wasn't making any of this up, but I was afraid that store security would grab me and haul me into the back room (behind the tank of Chicken Lobsters) and demand to know why I was secretly taking photos in their supermarket, and I'd get in trouble if I said the truth ("I take photos of stuff that sucks, and your market is the BEST place for that!") so I'd lie and say "I thought the big-eyed kitties were kyewwwwwt," and they'd say "Wow! So do we! Here, have a T-shirt with a big-eyed kitty for FREE!" and I'd have to wear it home and I'd get beaten up fifty times before even getting to the top of the escalator out of the Prudential's basement. The next time I'm there I'll try to get some photos. This is one of those situations where I have to plan in advance to reduce my chances of getting harassed by store security. If I go into the market without my briefcase and with my camera on a strap around my neck, they won't think I'm shoplifting if they see me furtively pulling my camera out of its case and putting it back in. And if they do see me taking photos so openly, it'll not raise their ire nearly as much as if they thought I was secretly taking photos. But last time I was there the camera was zipped up, so no photos of the creepy critter cards yet. I suppose I could buy one of the cards and scan it, but that would cost money and not illustrate the full horror of the wall of these things watching me shop for Hamburger Helper. So, to sum up, my neighborhood is being rebuilt by Don Martin, and my local supermarket has a deformed pet surprise. -- K. Oh, I think one or two of the cards had a pig with giant eyes, too, but the other four hundred or so were all mutant kitties and distorted doggies. Thankfully, they have not yet discovered that they can apply the same special-effects deformity software to pictures of America's favorite entertainer, Bob Hope. But expect to see that soon, on the cover of the National Enquirer at your local supermarket. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I knew him when... Date: Wed,