Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TV Guide's 50 Worst Shows Evah Date: Sat, 20 Jul 2002 01:47:12 GMT Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm not sure if my childhood response was more or less dumb than yours > > -- I used to wonder how they managed to get a live audience to watch > > "The Flintstones" and laugh at it when obviously it wasn't made with > > actual people being filmed on an actual set. > > When I was *much* younger, the Flintstones were the first things on > TV that I ever learned were not real. My parents had a hard time > convincing me at first. Matt, I hate to break it to you, but "The Flintstones" _is_ real. See, the name of the show is printed right here in "TV Guide", I'm not making it up. Now, "Doctor Who Meets H.R. Pufnstuf" starring Brian Blessed as The Doctor and Lenny Bruce as Pufnstuf, that's _not_ real. I made it up. It's from the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. And the Neighborhood of Make-Believe _is_ real is real because it's connected to those trolley tracks that go to Mr. Rogers's living room and it's not possible for one end of the tracks to be real and the other to be imaginary, or the trolley would derail halfway along, killing dozens of innocent people and imaginary people at the same time. However, although "The Flintstones" is real, their nutritional value isn't. Just because there are "Flintstones" vitamins doesn't mean "The Flintstones" is in any way good for you, or good for anyone, or good. I suspect I'd like "The Flintstones" better if it wasn't real. -- K. Phil Hartman could be Fred, and Vlad The Impaler could be Dino. No, wait, Andy Warhol could be Fred, and Wilma could be R2-D2. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Nothink in partiklar Date: Sun, 21 Jul 2002 06:13:49 GMT "Lleah" (leahverre@attbi.com) wrote: > > There is a posse of chestnut-backed chickadees in my yard right now, making > lots of funny noises. Birdie politics in action. I swear that I had to read that three times before it stopped saying "chestnut-baked chickadees" and my brain stopped thinking "Mmm, sounds crispy, but not much meat on one." > [...] > Thinking seriously about vet school. Can't do this, of course, until Tom > gets us another solid income. You could work your way through vet school by getting a managerial job at McDonalds and enrolling in Hamburger University. It would have the advantage that anything you learn about the insides of cows at one school would save you the time having to learn the same stuff at the other school. Plus you could amuse yourself by trying to figure out whether veterinary school or Hamburger University is grosser. > [...] > I miss my friends on the East Coast. It's been way too long since I've seen > them and I think about them probably more than I should. I mean, I have > plenty of cool folk here to play with, but you know what they say about > absence. Or is it absynthe? I forget. Even though one so-called "friend" > dared to send me TWO "twisted whiskers" cards, I am still wishing I was > there to hang around with them (but not the ocularly mutated kitties). And > speaking of, the deformed kitties on the cards are looking at me with their > big frog-like eyes and I think they're boring into my skull. I'd better > wrap the cards in tinfoil, like the instructions say, before I start to melt > like those Nazi guys in that one movie about that one ark thing. Maybe you should re-think vet school if you can't handle a simple radioactive death laser kitty. How do you expect to be able to give a potbellied pig lipsuction if you have trouble dealing with a cute little kitten just because the kitten can vaporize battleships with its mind? -- K. P.S. If you'd prefer, I can send you this swell Anne Geddes card showing a bathtub full of babies. I think all the babies have perfectly normal-sized eyes, at least the babies I can see -- I'm not sure about the ones on the bottom. ANNE GEDDES MUST BE STOPPED. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: UR. Date: Sun, 21 Jul 2002 06:28:37 GMT Simon de Vet (sdevet@istar.ca) wrote: > > Church sign spotted today: > > "WHAT IS THIS > CH CH > MISSING? > UR." I don't get it. Why does Chachi need Ur? Fonzie has "Ayyyy", but it would be Alley Oop that has "Urrrr", and I think Chachi is Fonzie's cousin and protege' but Alley Oop isn't really related to the Fonzarelli family, except by marriage, if you count that tenth-season episode where Chachi's mother married Al Molinaro, and I don't count any of the episodes made after Henry Winkler got crow's feet. Of course, if "Happy Days" hadn't been cancelled after eleven short seasons, by now Fonzie might be saying "Urrrr" to Tertiary Backup Potsie Substitute Number Seven, unless they changed it to "Urrrr Dot Com!" to be more hip. -- K. If it were still on the air, I might be the Fake Potsie, except that I don't think they'd allow a Fake Potsie seven inches taller than Old Fonzie. And there's no chance of me being in the next "Get Smart" revival, because every time Don Adams talked to me he'd say "Sorry about that, Crotch!" unless they brought in a stack of boxes for him to stand on. But I do fully expect to be in the next "Dragnet" revival as a misguided but only slightly filthy hippie. I'll even letter my own "FUZZ ARE PIGS" sign. For free. No extra charge if they want me to add "DOT COM" to it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: No subject whatsoever. Date: Sun, 21 Jul 2002 06:58:39 GMT John Burrage (burrage@iinet.net.au) wrote: > > Some thoughts and random observations. > > 1. One night I watched a documentary about space disasters. I don't > know why; the whole affair was rather depressing and gruesome if the > truth be known, although strangley compelling. The one thing that > really hit home was how well USAians do SUCCESS and TRIUMPH. By gee, > when it comes to doing something really big and spectacular and it > comes off, the USAians take it all in their stride and look damn good > doing it. However, when it comes to FAILURE and DESPAIR, they don't > handle it well. Not at all. But HOO BOY, the Russians; they just lap > that stuff up. Gobble it up for breakfast, they do. When it comes to > putting on a brave face, or just hushing incidents up entirely, no one > does it quite as well as our erstwhile Soviet pals. Wreath laying for > a dead Cosmonaut? Po-faced reticence? Get a Russian to do it. > DESPAIR-R-US. So what you're saying is that, if the Americans and Russians blew up both countries in an all-out nuclear war, and both sides died, the Russians would be all like "Yay! We've been totally blowed up and killed and stuff!" and the Americans would be totally "Waah! We're crying because we're all dead and the local mall is a mess!"? I find that hard to believe. I think that both sides would be deliriously happy, because no more "Austin Powers" sequels, no more people reminding everyone that Yakov Smirnoff once existed, and no more space disasters once both countries get covered with a six-mile-deep layer of radioactive slag. Unless, billions of years later, life would evolve again just so it could launch another space mission, if there's time for that before the Sun burns out forever. Gee, John, you're grim tonight. Cheer up! Kitties exist! Kitties are plentiful! Try a kitty today! And if you just want to look at kitties, I'm sure that if you wait a few weeks there will be an all-kitty channel on your TV! I say we should all write to the government to support the idea of a National Kitty Channel so that everyone would be too happy to have a nuclear war. Oh, and we'd have to send some TV sets to Russia. They still have some people who listen to _radio_! We need to help them, they're wasting their eyes! > 2. Trout fishing. What the HELL is up with that? The way people go on > and on about jiggling the fly in just the right manner [...] > you'd think it was ROCKET SCIENCE or something. Yeah, and the Russians would fish without caring if they caught any fish, or if the fish caught fire, but the Americans would just go to McDonalds and buy a rectangular fishburger so as not to be disappointed. > 3. Playschool. It's a British invention; a TV show for kiddies that is > wholesome broccoli to Sesame Street's cherry Pez. So you're saying "Playschool" is bad. I agree, it must be bad, given that it has the name name as the major American toy company Playskool, except misspelled. How can I expect it to be educational if they can't even teach kids to spell "skool" korrectly? Also, Playskool's toddler products are often in boxes labelled in a font from the century before last, back when stuff was all bendy and Arts-and-Crafts-ish. I forget what the name of the font is, but it's in my 1898 American Type Founders Desk-Book of Printing Types, and I've never seen it for sale in any catalogs from after Bob Hope was born. And "Sesame Street" used to not suck! Back when the show had fun in it! Now it's just a bad rip-off of "Blue's Clues" at one-quarter the pace. And Ernie and Kermit have the wrong voice. Sure, they sound a lot like Jim Henson, but they don't sound like they'd be fun to invite to your birthday party, while Jim Henson would have been great to hang out with. He was really cool, even if he was a hippie. -- K. The show's never been the same since Oscar turned green. Can't they wash him or something to get his hair to turn back to its natural orange color? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My bad dream Date: Thu, 25 Jul 2002 06:47:23 GMT "~Steve-o" (HeySteveo@steveo.cjb.net) wrote: > > I had a bad dream where I had a fake hand and I was working at McDonalds > and the manager of the McDonalds was really mean and she made me reach in > and pull the fries out of the grease with my fake hand rather than use the > basket because she said it wouldn't hurt my hand and she kept hitting me > with a riding crop and calling me Susan and the customers were complaining > because the fake plastic skin was melting all over the fries and it didn't > taste like cheez. Hey, I wouldn't complain if you lost an arm just so you could make me some cheap French fries that didn't taste like cheez. I would complain if the fries did taste like cheez, or if you didn't lose your arm. Hurry up and lose your arm already, I need fries fast! In any case, I'd like to apologize to everyone for pointing out to them that the evil dominatrix in your dream was really Ronald McDonald in drag, wearing a leather harness shaped like an "M" and size 37 stiletto clown shoes which come to sharp points at both ends. -- K. Also, the real reason those shakes are so thick? Liquid latex! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Rejected Popeye Characters: Wimpley Date: Thu, 25 Jul 2002 07:18:10 GMT Ben Wolfson (wolfson@midway.uchicago.edu) wrote: > > Subject: Rejected Popeye Characters: Wimpley > > I'd gladly pay you Tuesday for a Holy Mass today. Okay, I am imagining a Sunday Pope-Eye strip now. Wimpley is having a fight with his pal Snood-Snood. But Pope-Eye is eating a bright green communion wafer, which makes a little mushroom cloud light up on the front of his zuchetto, and then he beats them both up. But then there's a big rumble where they fight the cavemen from "B.C." and then Barney Bear eats his broccoli with help from a higher power and then Dennis The Menace says "I see your tiny, shrivelled skull being hidden in the ground to fool a bunch of scientists into thinking that fossils exist" and then the cast of "Space: 1999" helps Noah build his ark and I know it really happened because you could read along with the record unlike the Bible, although I'm not sure about the Extreme Teen Bible, which might have Wimpley and/or Barbara Bain in it. -- K. Now, will someone hurry up and do a gay version of "Blondie"? Dagwood could make a different kind of sandwich... WINK! <-- this is me saying the word "WINK" really loud while trying to wink and failing because all my facial muscles are busy yelling "WINK!"