Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: News of the DUH DUH DUH! Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2002 01:35:47 GMT If you're tired of hearing about stupid Americans, rejoice! I have stupid news from all the other parts of the world. These are all from this week, except for the one that isn't. And now... Beware of the object! It might be a demonic fireball! Or it might be a flying toaster with burning bread inside! All we know is that this thing is an object! From the Kathmandu Post via www.nepalnews.com.np: -> Unidentified object scare continues -> -> Post Report -> -> NEPALGUNJ, Aug 10:The life in the Nepal-India border at Belaspur -> and Nepalgunj went panicky for the second consecutive day on -> Saturday when an unidentified object again attempted to kill a -> woman. -> -> The same mysterious object had killed a 40-year-old woman in the -> neighbouring Indian village a few days ago. Sahim Khan, 55, of -> Belaspur-16 was sleeping peacefully on the terrace of her house -> when the fireball-like object flew towards her ready to attack -> her, say locals. -> -> "When we rushed towards Khan's house after seeing the object, it -> disappeared instantly," they said. The locals then brought Khan -> from the terrace and kept her safely inside the house. The locals -> said they saw the same object the previous day over Nepalgunj -> Municipality and Guleria area. -> -> Even the object continues to attack villagers for the last couple -> of days and more and more people are attacked, authorities from -> both Nepal and India have failed to identify the object, which is -> said to be active at night and disappears instantly after the -> attack. -> -> The local eyewitnesses said it resembles a fire-flame and attacks -> those sleeping outside their houses on rooftops and terraces. -> Deputy Superintendent of Police, Gokarna Bahadur Pal of Banke -> admitted that he saw the red object but said he could not -> identify it. -> -> India's Lucknow-based newspapers even published reports that said -> three people have been killed and more than a dozen wounded -> across the border after the mysterious object was detected in the -> region a couple of days ago. What I would expect in a place called "Nepalgunj" would be lots of incidents of people falling into vats of custard, being hit with cream pies, and having buckets of oatmeal poured over their head. Here's an old news item (from www.koreananimals.org) that I failed to notice back in 1997: => Dog Meat Chain Restaurant #1 Opens => Joongan Daily News => April 24, 1997 => => The dog meat franchise restaurant has appeared for the first time => in the world. The China Trading Company, whose director is Noh => Moon Sung has incorporated the first dog meat specialty chain => restaurant. It is called Chunha Daejanggun, and the first branch => opened in the Hyoja-chon, Bundang area. The company is planning => to open second branch in Yongin and third in Songpa-gu, Seoul. => There are plans to open twenty more restaurants in the future. And I'm sure McDonalds is going to run crying to their mommy when they go out of business because they got their butts kicked by Chunha Daejanggun. => This dog meat restaurant differs from older existing dog => meat restaurants in that prices are lower (the price of regular => dog soup is lowered to 4,500 won about US$6) and there will be => wider selection and variety of dog meat dishes such as pan fried => dish, bossam, barbecue, and so on. Does the pan fried dish have much dog in it, or is it just breaded ceramic? => Director Noh says, "I expect there will be a reaction from => animal welfare organizations in Korea and foreign countries but => such protests which assume dog meat to be a disgusting food are => merely based on a different, western cultural standard (from => ours). The company will be opening a branch in downtown Seoul. I => would also like to recommend that this be put in the Guinness => book because this restaurant will be the first in the world." Last, too, it would seem. (Note that most Koreans do not like to eat dogs, and I'm told it's not a long-standing tradition, the practice only became popular because of food shortages after the Korean War.) I'd have to say the idea of an all-dogmeat restaurant sounds like a rather risky business venture and would probably not stay in business very long. Still, if Beadworks (a shop that sells individual beads) can continue to thrive at its locations in Boston and Cambridge, it's possible (or it's a front.) Ananova.com reported a tale of criminal stupidity in France: -> Convict superglues broken glass to his hands for escape bid -> -> A French convict glued broken glass and sharp objects to his -> clothes in an attempt to break out of prison. -> -> The 52-year-old hoped prison guards would be unable to grab him -> and stop him walking out of the gates. -> -> He superglued glass splinters to his hands, razor blades to his -> clothing and scissors to his shoes. -> -> But his attempt to break out of Brest prison failed when six -> guards managed to hold him. -> -> They are still investigating how he managed to get hold of the -> materials. I like the part about how he had scissors on his shoes. I guess that was so that, when escaping, he could climb down some knotted bedsheets while at the same time cutting them down so none of the guards could follow. Wouldn't it have been smarter to just squirt the glue all over the guards and run? Another Ananova.com story concerns the limits of good taste in England, involving one of their favorite traditional pastimes, the bouncy castle: => Titanic bouncy castle criticised by survivor => => A survivor of the Titanic has criticised the use of a bouncy castle => which is a replica of the Titantic at a Liverpool car boot sale. => => Ninety-year-old Millvina Dean, who was a baby when she survived => the April 1912 sinking, said the plaything was "disgusting" and => "distressing". Her father, Bertram, died in the tragedy. => => The Titanic was registered to Liverpool and many of its sailors => were from the Merseyside area. And the ship sank because they jumped up and down until it popped. => The Liverpool Echo reports the US-made inflatable slide features at => a car boot sale in Northway, Lydiate. They cost 10,000 pounds each. => => The castle is advertised on the Cutting Edge Creations website as => coming with an 'optional iceberg challenge' which captures 'all => the excitement of the famed ocean liner's maiden voyage'. I had a salad once with optional iceberg lettuce. Eating it didn't recapture much excitement. It didn't even remind me of ONE grisly death! => The company claims the slide was the number one-selling amusement => ride in the US last year. => => Miss Dean said: "I suppose as long as they make money out of it => they don't care about offending the memory of people who came => through that terrible night." => => The bouncy castle has also been criticised by a Catholic seafarers => welfare organisation in Bootle. Peter Devlin, manager of the => Stella Maris Centre, said: "We must be careful to always remember => the true significance of the Titanic. Hundreds of people lost their => lives - and seafarers continue to be in danger every day." I just hope he doesn't find out about the British bouncy castle industry's other hot new product, shaped like the R-101, filled with a mixture of helium and balls. At least it's safer than the Germans' hydrogen-filled Hindenbounce. => Cutting Edge Creation's International sales director, Robert => Field, said: "When it first came out a few people were critical, => but you're never going to make everyone happy." => => He added: "We're talking history here - the people on the Titanic => are long dead. There's no-one left." But it's still in bad taste if they were killed by kids bouncing up and down on them. This uplifting tale of a successful advertising venture turned up in a Thai newspaper (www.nationmultimedia.com): -> STREET WISE: Spiderman fuels sales -> -> Published on Aug 13, 2002 -> -> A Bangkok couple has spun an unlikely web of success by -> enlisting Hollywood superhero Spiderman - not to catch the city's -> evil-doers, but to deliver cylinder gas around the city. "Hey, honey, look who's here! It's a man in a skintight rubber suit, and he's got gas!" -> Shop owner Saowanee Suthiviriyakul, her husband Narongwit, and -> their deliverymen have all dressed up in slick red-and-blue -> Spiderman outfits in the hope of boosting sluggish cooking-gas -> sales. -> -> And it worked, Saowanee told Agence France-Presse yesterday. -> -> "The number of gas orders is increasing and many people stop in -> front of our shop to see Spiderman," she said, adding that orders -> had jumped from 30 a day to more than 50. -> -> "We got very good feedback," she said. -> -> The couple appears to be cashing in on husband Narongwit's childhood -> obsession with the comic strip favourite, whose blockbuster movie -> has scored big with Bangkok audiences in recent months. -> -> Saowanee admitted she was looking for a gimmick to give a jolt to her -> gas business, which was showing meagre profits due to hefty competition. And her competitors exploit that with this clever commercial showing side-by-side comparisons: "HEFTY, HEFTY, HEFTY! Spidey, Spidey, Spidey! HEFTY, HEFTY, HEFTY!" -> After watching this year's movie, she and her husband sprung -> into action, hiring a local costume shop to make four skin-tight -> Spiderman suits at Bt3,000 each for her motorbike-driving -> deliverymen. Spider-Man is not supposed to ride a motorcycle! He's just supposed to travel through the air feet-first by shooting gluey goop at skyscrapers from his wrists! Putting Spidey on a cycle is RIDICULOUS! And in one of the photos, Spider-Man is on a motorcycle wearing sunglasses but no helmet. Don't you just love superheroes who tote big cans of explosives around while disregarding safety? -> There was no word on whether Marvel Comics, the owner of the -> Spiderman copyright, would hire the Incredible Hulk for -> intellectual property-rights protection. Yeah, but Daredevil could out-lawyer the Hulk any day. Plus, he's blind, so he'd never be grossed out by the Hulk being all green and greasy and wearing the same little pants for years at a time. So I say we should take up a collection to have The Silly Bangkok Gas Company hire Daredevil to fight The Hulk to the death in a court of law on TV. Although they'll probably be gone before you go look at them, these are the photos of Gas Delivery Spider-Man With Action Cycle: http://asia.news.yahoo.com/020812/reuters/i-asia-120003.html http://uk.news.yahoo.com/020812/80/d773h.html And finally, as a light chaser, Reuters Oddly Enough news on news.excite.com had this headline concerning a tragic accident in Sweden: => Man Dies in Freak Pea Drop But he wasn't killed by freak peas, just by thirteen tons of regular lightweight peas. Yet another news story that doesn't live up to its exciting headline... => Aug 14, 8:49 am ET => STOCKHOLM, Sweden (Reuters) - A Swedish man died Tuesday when he => was buried alive under a 13-ton pile of peas in a storage silo, => local media reported. => => The man, who was around 30 years old, was working on an => electrical installation on a farm near the town of Mjolby in => southeastern Sweden when the peas were dumped on him. Shouldn't this situation have set off a few alarms in people's heads before it happened? "Yes, we want you to install an electrical outlet at the bottom of this pea silo, so that the peas will have a place to plug in their hair dryers." "Oh, okay! I'll go start working directly under that giant flimsy net holding thirteen tons of green death, right next to that sign that says 'PULL ROPE TO DROP PEAS'." => Rescue workers pulled the man from the silo but were unable to => revive him, a radio station reported. Sadly, Spider-Man was busy giving people gas in Thailand. -- K. Sorry, I couldn't find any stupid news from Antarctica. The closest I could find was this one from Australia, August 16th: -> The South Australian government -> has just declared an official -> end to the Second World War. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: News of the DUH DUH DUH! Date: Sun, 18 Aug 2002 03:16:35 GMT Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Spider-Man is not supposed to ride a motorcycle! He's just supposed > > to travel through the air feet-first by shooting gluey goop at skyscrapers > > from his wrists! Putting Spidey on a cycle is RIDICULOUS! > > You mean you never saw the Spider-Mobile? > > It had sticky tires so it could drive up the side of buildings. > I swear to god. I wasn't implying I never saw it. I was implying that it shouldn't be. Mike Jittlov told me that Superman also used to have an action-figure motorcycle (in addition to his flying car, the Supermobile.) I guess this is because all the 12" action figures were just G.I. Joe with different heads, and they only ever manufactured this one vehicle to go with the doll, and so they all had different versions of the same motorcycle shaped to fit their identical butts. I know because I have the Evel Knievel and Six Million Dollar Man action figures and they were fully interchangeable, although of Evel's two motorcycles one did have "chopper" styling and I think the Six Million Dollar Man just had the one. Unless I'm confused. Which I might be, because I also remember considering Evel Knievel interesting to watch on TV, which I now know was never true. I probably also liked SpaghettiOs back then. Blecch! Anyhow, the moment you become a superhero or supervillain you need a customized car to match your outfit, and a motorcycle to match (with detachable sidecar if you have a sidekick, it has to detach to remind him that he can be killed at any time because he's not the star of the comic book.) If your main super-ability is that you're really rich, like Batman, you also need a matching boat and helicopter and spaceship that can travel through time. One of my favorite moments on "Doctor Who" is when Jon Pertwee apologizes that his time machine isn't as cool as Batman's: "What did you expect, some sort of flashy space rocket with Batman at the controls?" And as we all know from "Superfriends", the Bat-Spaceship can travel in time at the push of one of the only three buttons on the dashboard. As SeanBaby (of seanbaby.com, of course) pointed out, if he pushed the wrong one, he could teleport himself into deep space twenty years in the past without a space helmet, "which may or may not kill him depending on who's drawing the episode." So I believe you when you say Spider-Man used to drive his sticky bike up the wall. I just fail to see the need for it, especially because why do you need Spider-Man when Superman and Batman exist? Superman has limitless god-like powers, is completely invulnerable, has infinite strength, and can travel at ultimate speeds. Batman can buy anything. Spider-Man, well, he can shoot goo and sells propane and propane accessories. That's only two super-abilities, and even Aquaman has three: He can hold his breath forever, he can talk to fish by making glowing onion rings come out of his forehead, and his hairstyle remains perfectly-styled even after he's been swimming in salt water. And then there's the question of why Spider-Man wears pantyhose over his head. Of course he has to conceal his identity so that people won't kidnap his doddering Aunt May quite so often. But given that he has to wear something over his head, why can't it be a helmet? It would give him greater protection from all sorts of stuff, especially when he's riding on a motorcycle loaded down with giant canisters of propane, and it would make him look a lot fiercer, especially if he hired Alex Toth to glued some horns and assorted flanges to it. Alex Toth is the master of manly flanges! -- K. Stan Lee, on the other hand, likes to put pantyhose over people's heads. This is why I hide from him. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: the land of durians Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2002 03:55:29 GMT Jacob W. Haller (spog@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm sure elementary schools everywhere in the world have food which > > is equally bad, but in different, interesting ways. For instance, > > what was wrong with YOUR pizza? > > The 'pepperoni' pizza didn't have normal pepperoni, but instead had > little diced-up pepperoni bits about the size of grains of rice. If I were the Playboy Party Jokes gal, I'd say something about that... > (I think regular pepperoni was too expensive, so they had to go with > sweepings from the Hormel factory floor.) What? You think they paid money for genuine Hormel quality, instead of just buying Imitation Artificial Fake No-Brand Generic Faux Meat-Like Solid Matter Bits from the Russian Mafia? Or worse, getting the same from a Generic Syndicate-Style Crime Organization through a barter transaction where they traded away all the textbooks you were supposed to have? > Also, one of the items that appeared on the lunch menu from time to time > was the 'multi-purpose meat patty'. I'm not sure what the different > purposes were though. Along the lines of Beverly Cleary's manifesto "Eat it or wear it!", I think that would be "Throw it or don't throw it!" -- K. Sometime when everyone here assures me that nobody is eating dinner right now I'll explain what I know about school food-service meat chubs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: the land of durians Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2002 22:21:30 GMT Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > some LUNATIC tv-ad-cook tried touting a SUPEREASY FOOD LUVVED BY ALL > ADOLESCENTS some time back in tv-ad-land. pizza base + big fat french > fries [I'm translating for all ya'll merkins] + baked beans + grated > cheese = FUN PIZZA THAT'S ALL THE CRAZE IN EUROPE!!! What would "big fat French fries" be if you hadn't translated it into standard American English? Is there some wacky kiwi term for them like "goobly weta-stickers"? Also, "baked beans" could be practically anything, as they vary a bunch from region to region. In Boston, it means little bitty brown beans in a chocolate-colored molasses sauce (with the one cube of lard with pigskin still on the outside, if you get the canned kind) but in other parts of the country they use different sorts of beans with different sauces. None of that in Boston! They have to have their dainty little beans with their candy-like sugar sauce in their hoity-toity society soirees on Beacon Hill, while eating all the flavors of Pepperidge Farm cookies except the ones named "Beacon Hill" because they don't think those are accurate because they don't have beans or lobster in them. But in any case, pizza, fries, goopy beans, and cheese mixed together sounds like it would be horrible, even if you left the cheese out. It's sort of like "Poutine: The Next Generation", except instead of Canadian it's Kiwi. Canada is like the U.S. except with hockey players on the $3.40 bill, and New Zealand is like Australia except with the wrong color of stars on the flag, but that doesn't explain why you people are stirring your french fries into your beans into your pizza. How did this happen? Is it because we took away your part of the ozone layer and your brains got zapped by solar radiation, or is it just that your whole country is in turmoil because it was devastated by sorcery during the filming of the "Lord Of The Rings" movies? Should we start sending you guys emergency assistance in the form of crates marked "FRENCH FRIES WITHOUT BAKED BEANS" and "BAKED BEANS WITHOUT FRENCH FRIES" and "THIS CRATE IS EMPTY, BUT IT STAYS BETWEEN THE OTHER TWO TO KEEP THEM FROM TOUCHING"? -- K. What was the brand name of this product? And did the kids on TV say it was "SWELL!" with an "E" or an "I"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: the land of durians Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2002 23:15:17 GMT Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, "baked beans" could be practically anything, as they vary a bunch > > from region to region. In Boston, it means little bitty brown beans > > in a chocolate-colored molasses sauce (with the one cube of lard with > > pigskin still on the outside, if you get the canned kind) > > That's the QUEEN bean!! I was thinking more long the lines of if Animal 57 was broken down into 57 equal-sized cubes. How else do you explain that there's always the layer a pigskin? If you cut up a real pig into cubes, it wouldn't have skin on every cube! Somewhere, the world's cheapest Dr. Frankenstein is buying a case of canned beans at Sam's Club and hoping to stitch all the little cubes together into a human bean. I'm not sure how that movie would end, though. You couldn't do the two normal endings of all bad monster movies (1) it was all a dream, except it was real or (2) the invulnerable monster dissolves in water, because nobody would dream about something that stupid, and I think the cubes of compressed pork-like fat would repel the water, making it flow uphill to get away. I'm currently trying to compile a list of all the bad movies where the aliens or monsters dissolve in some common household liquid. In the category of "salt water", there's "Day Of The Triffids" and "Alien Nation", while for Head & Shoulders brand shampoo there's "Evolution", although I think that was supposed to be a comedy of some sort. The movies in which things dissolve in regular water are too numerous to count, and I wish the people who make them would drown. Either that, or all the movies should be edited together into one big long one which would have a sticker on the box which says "WARNING: THEY DISSOLVE IN WATER" so nobody would feel disappointed by the stupid ending where Mel Gibson dumps water on Margaret Hamilton and William Shatner and several cheap knockoffs of the monster from "Alien" and that suit that George Jetson stole from Sir Alec Guinness. And don't get me started on the monsters that dissolve in flashlight beams. -- K. And in "Tommy", Ann-Margaret almost dissolved in those canned beans, proving that she is not Animal 57. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: the land of durians Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2002 03:56:03 GMT Dag Right-square-bracket-gren (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm sure elementary schools everywhere in the world have food which > > is equally bad, but in different, interesting ways. For instance, > > what was wrong with YOUR pizza? > > In elementary school, we got pizza ONCE. There are too possibilities: It turned out so bad that they were never allowed to serve it again. -- or -- It turned out so good that you were never allowed to have it again. It's also possible that you were never intended to have pizza at all, and you only got some by accident when a truck rolled over in New Jersey and the contents had to be diverted to Denmark under the assumption that anything becomes untraceable once Danish children eat it. -- K. Much the same way that nobody can tell which particular egg-shaped pig a specific canned ham was extruded from. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Rinnnnnn! Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2002 05:52:56 GMT Jeremy Impson (jdimpson@acm.org) wrote: > > Lleah (leahverre@attbi.com) wrote: > > > > It's really apparent that I've been playing too many driving games. > > Every time I see one of those trucks with a ramp on it .. the kind > > that are always parked in the medians of busy streets ... I swear > > I consider, for a nanosecond, gunning the engine and zooming forward > > for a huge jump so that I can catch the invisible bonus item that > > is no doubt floating over the top of it somewhere. > > Last Spring, after playing "Dark Forces II: Jedi Knights" for a week, I > was walking across a parking lot at work, from one building to the next. > The approaching entrance is slightly below street level. Were one to > approach the entrance directly (as one ought), one would go down a shallow > decline, passing through three yellow-painted steel rods (about waist > hight) sunk in the concrete. These rods are collision barriers. > > Rather than approaching the entrance directly, however, I decided to aim > for a wall to the right of the entrance. At street level, one could get > up on the ledge of the wall with merely a step up. By the time you get to > the entrance (like, 4 seconds later), the wall is about 3 feet (37 > Canadian Meters) high. > > Rather than jumping down, my thought was to jump ONTO the closest steel > rod. (These rods aren't very big around. One could barely get both feet > on one, and one would be very precariously balanced.) From there I could > (so I thought) hop from one rod to the next, then jump from the last one > to the entrance doorway. > > It was at that moment that I realized that I had played far too much of my > game. I had selected the wall-and-rod path (for the first time ever, > after passing this way on a weekly basis for years) because I was still > in video game mode, which caused me to think "If the Level Creator made > both an obvious an a non-obvious path between points A and B, it must be > because the obivous path is a trap!" > > Having realized that I was being totally silly, I jumped down from the > wall rather than onto the rod. And was promptly consumed by a sand pit > monster. > > GAME OVER! You people are the reason I leave a big pile of ammunition and first-aid kits outside my apartment, so that you'll stay away because you know that a new and more powerful type of monster than you've ever seen before is just beyond the next door. Also, in "Dark Forces", whenever I'm in the prison level, and there are those walls with the large obvious welded-up gashes in them that you can blast open with a grenade to reveal a hidden room with neat stuff inside, there's one that has some good stuff and two storm troopers, and I always wonder how much the Empire pays guys to put on lumpy plastic suits and be welded up inside doorless, windowless, unventilated rooms just in case I ever drop in. If the Empire put ALL their weapons, INCLUDING the grenades, in that room then they'd win the war and the Death Star would get to blow up Alderaan, Tatooine, Vulcaan, and Eearth and Darth Vader would say "Haw haw, I win!" and your computer would explode, so it's a good thing that the Empire is run by morons, although they're still smarter than the terrorists in "Rainbow Six" who don't understand that there's a difference between a wall and a door, and for some reason decided to form a terrorist organization that would only recruit the deaf. Also, isn't it a waste of money for the Empire to build so many bottomless shafts? If they have that much money, why can't they afford a safety railing once in a while? And if you're three-quarters of the way down the Death Star and you walk into that shaft that runs from pole to pole, do you fall upwards towards the center of gravity away from the floor or downwards towards the floor away from the center of gravity? Have they considered at least putting some Saran Wrap or something over that hole that blows up the Death Star if you shoot it? -- K. Why did the Empire build so many mousebots just to give their enemies free batteries? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: More news from parts of the world that are not here. Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2002 07:01:48 GMT From Ananova: -> -> President wants to re-name January after himself -> -> The President of Turkmenistan wants to re-name the month of January after -> himself. Oh, dammit! Now I'm going to have to go buy new calendars before Jerkuary. -> It will be called Turkmenbashi, Saparmurat Niyazov's official title, which -> means Head of all the Turkmen. -> -> He asked a meeting of the People's Council consultative body to agree to -> the change. It has already given him the presidency for life. -> -> Other months will be named after his late mother, a poet and a book the -> president wrote. I think that once he finishes writing his crazy new calendar, they should suggest he name a month after the calendar he wrote. And thus his calendar would be ruined and he'd have to start all over but first he'd have to wait until he used up the broken calendar and he'd have to suffer a whole year with a calendar where one of the months had the wrong name. -> The president of the former Soviet state has already had cities, airports -> and a meteorite named after him. If he were a slightly more clever monomaniacal autocrat he'd just rename all the citizens after himself. You know, like George Foreman. And then maybe Americans would even PAY him for the rights to name other things after him, like flimsy plastic hamburger griddles which claim to make you lose weight because they have a grease pan underneath. -> The country currently uses the 12-month international calendar with the -> months' names translated directly into Turkmen. Yes, but what do they call Thermidor? IslamOnline.net reports that he's even nuttier: => Turkmen President Issues Eccentric Cycle of Life Decree => => ASHKHABAD, August 14 (IslamOnline & News Agencies) - Turkmen President => Saparmurat Niyazov has introduced a new cycle of life in Turkmenistan, => according to which old age begins at 85 and the 62-year-old leader is => living through an "inspirational" phase. Now, is that 85 years from the exact date of birth, or is it like horses where everyone would become one year older on Jerkuary first? => Turkmenistan's eccentric autocrat has issued an order dividing life into => 12-year cycles, the Turkmen press reported Wednesday, reported Agence => France-Presse (AFP). => => Childhood will continue until the age of 13, while from 13 to 25 Turkmen => citizens will be considered adolescents, after which they will be youthful => until 37 and then mature, the presidential decree states. What color do the blinking rhinestones in their hands turn? => Among other age cycles, the Turkmen president has ordered that the period => from 49 to 61 be dubbed the prophetic phase while the inspirational stage => will continue from the ages of 61 to 73. I wish he'd stop stealing ideas from "Cycle" dog foods. Just converting Cycle 1 through Cycle 4 from dog years to Turkmen years isn't fooling anyone. => This period of life would apply to Niyazov, who is president-for-life in => this Central Asian state, which borders on Afghanistan and Iran, said AFP. => Old age, meanwhile, will begin at the age of 85 and any Turkmen who lives => until they are 97 will reach a stage named after the founder of the => Turkmen nation, Oguzkhan. Cue James Shigeta to come strolling past singing "The World Is A Circle" while trying not to giggle. Cut to Sally Kellerman go-go dancing on a rock. Then Peter Finch dies, is replaced by a floppy dummy, and falls off a cliff. The Washington Times (washtimes.com) has more details on the new calendar: ->Ê "We must have a calendar with months named after national personalities," -> the autocratic president of this largely desert Central Asian state told -> the annual People's Council. "And I offer to call the first month of -> the year Turkmenbashi." -> ->ÊÊOther months are to be given names such as "The Flag," "Independence" -> and "Rukhnama," the title of a quasi-religious spiritual guide written -> by Mr. Niyazov and published last year. Names of national heroes and -> poets will also be used. -> ->ÊÊBut April will be called "Mother" in an apparent reference to -> Mr. Niyazov's own mother, who died in an earthquake in 1948 when he was -> a child. -> ->ÊÊA delegate to the council immediately suggested going one step further -> and renaming April "Gurbansoltan," her name, which the president -> promised to consider. -> ->ÊÊGurbansoltan was made a national heroine in July by Turkmenistan's -> parliament for her outstanding services to the country. Statues of her -> have appeared across Ashgabat in recent years, although they are far -> outnumbered by monuments to her son. Who? Oh, right, the power-mad idiot guy. Check. ->ÊÊDecember will be called Bitaraplyk, or Neutrality, to mark the -> resource-rich republic's neutral status. How about adding a thirteenth month, "WeHaveAStupidCalendarMadeUpBySomeNut", to mark the nut-rich republic's nutty goodness? ->ÊÊThe Turkmen leader said he also wanted to rename the days of the week, -> and call them respectively, Bash Gun (Main Day), Yash Gun (Young Day), -> Hosh Gun (Good Day), Sogap Gun (Blessed Day), Anna (Friday), Rukh Gun -> (Spiritual Day) and Dynch Gun (Rest Day). But attendance at ball games will drop if there's no more Bat Day! Even if they don't like baseball in Turkmenistan, they should still keep Bat Day in honor of the great mythological hero who fought the Riddler. Unless the president of Turkmenistan is rooting for the Riddler. In which case, that day should be named "?", and on that day everything should be covered with question marks, and anyone wearing a green suit with question marks on it will get THINGS from THE GOVERNMENT for FREEEEE!!! Anyway, I was going to make up my own calendar, but I couldn't figure out whether Bacon Day should come before, during, or after Potsie Week. -- K. I think all of the seasons should be named after TV, because TV is important. So that this wouldn't get confusing, they would be spelled "TV", "Teevee", "T.V.", and "T.e.e.v.e.e.". Also, from now on, I am to be the only Nielsen Household. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: More news from parts of the world that are not here. Date: Tue, 20 Aug 2002 03:49:29 GMT Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Madge (madge@justice.com) wrote: > > > > [regarding Turkmenistan's dictator re-making the calendar in his image] > > > > When he is replaced,(see assasinated), by a more pro western regime does > > that mean that the calender will stop and there will be no more days, > > nobths and years. > > There already ARE no more nobths. Never had any to begin with. Try to > keep up. I still have half a gaggle of nobths. However, I'm running short on blockers and nitches. Perhaps when my local nobthman comes around in his nobthwagon, I'll put in an order for a new gaggle of nobths, two bleems of blockers, and half a cronkite of nitches, which should last me until the end of next Glinkuary. -- K. But when do I need to change the flavor crystals in the futplex? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: More news from parts of the world that are not here. Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2002 11:12:19 GMT "pete" (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think all of the seasons should be named after TV, > > because TV is important. > > Reckoning clock time according to what's on TV now, is OK. > > Bat Time > Howdy Doody Time But what if "The Time Tunnel" is on my TV? Do I have to re-live my birthday and get all the same presents again over and over while I crumble to a pile of dust just like Bob Hope won't? Speaking of Bob Hope and telling time, early in his late-night career, David Letterman once did a wacky ("wackies" being his writers' technical term for showing funny props to the camera) where he explained that a little-known tribe in the South Pacific was so cut off from modern society that the only way they could tell what time of year it was, was based on which Bob Hope special was on NBC, and he showed this huge primitive calendar wheel with a dozen pictographs of the little Bob Hope caricature playing football, golfing, wearing a Santa hat, etc. That's one of the only three really funny things Bob Hope was ever involved in. The second was a conceptual comedy piece Andy Kaufman never did. He was going to challenge Bob Hope to a "laugh-off". If Bob Hope got the most laughs in five minutes, Andy would shave his head. If Andy got the most laughs, he would be called "Mr. Bob Hope" for a week. Sadly, neither of these outcomes ever came to pass because Andy Kaufman never got to do this, probably because he was too busy destroying his career with public frottage. Sadly, all of Andy Kaufman's best performances were the ones he never gave. The third is a moment in Bob Hope's film "Boy, Did I Get A Wrong Number!" where someone's in a tool shed with a rope hanging from the center of the ceiling and a large sign says "PULL ROPE TO DROP WALLS", and you'll never guess what happens next. The surrealism and boldness of asserting that such a device could actually be installed in a shed in the real world, and that it would be a surprise when it actually did what it was supposed to, was astonishingly brilliant, so I don't know what it was doing in that otherwise tedious Bob Hope movie. It's one of those movies where the super-zany ending involves the mistaken belief that rooms with soap suds in them are inherently hilarious. OH LOOK BOB HOPE IS SORT OF DAMP! -- K. Maybe a fourth thing: The barbecue sauce that says "RECOMMENDED BY BOB HOPE" on the label. Of course, it would be funnier if it said "PULL ROPE TO DROP BARBECUE SAUCE". And then gallons of it would fall on you, but it would be okay because you could just go into the room filled with suds. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Chyx Vs D00dz Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2002 09:13:23 GMT "fB" (spamtrap@blameit.net) wrote: > > "the esteemed 'magical truthsaying bastard roney!'" (^#*&$@ennui.org) wrote: > > > > [...] The metric unit of funniness is now the femtobenvenuto! > > Which is peculiar, since I haven't posted anything funny on ARK > (provided I ever have) since at least 1999, or so. > > I posted more brilliantly back when my real life kind of sucked, > switching jobs and nations - even if by mere inches - made me happier, > but adversely affected my online persona. Cosmic balance, probably. I think that frustration is the impetus behind a lot of wackiness. That and procrastination. I used to write such long wackies when I had a term paper due because term papers involve lots of writing and I'd do anything to avoid that. Once I even sold a short story I wrote the night before something was due for "Voice & Articulation" class. When faced with a challenge like explaining why it's fun to read "Old Possum's Book Of Something Cats" aloud, of course you're going to discover you can think laterally to get out of it! And I apologize for forgetting the middle of T.S. Eliot's title. All I know about the book is that it inspired a Broadway show from which one of the costumes from the touring company is on display in the antique textile mill museum in Lowell, Massachusetts (high-speed steam-powered loom, high-speed steam-powered loom, high-speed steam-powered loom, turn corner, ACK GIANT CAT!) and of course bits of the book were quoted by Peter Ustinov in "Logan's Run" because he was the only man in the world old enough to remember when people enjoyed reading poetry instead of just watching people prancing around in kitty-colored leotards. > Regularly reading Italian newsgroups might have something to do > with this as well, given that I find them quite depressing, > including the funny ones. I find it depressing that there ARE funny Italian newsgroups because I can't read enough Italian to know whether or not people would think I were stupid if I admitted liking the supposedly funny ones. > *Or* it could be Kibo's fault: since he doesn't like one-liners, > always my favorite kind of expression, I now tend to avoid posting them, > since I take Kibo too seriously. > > Damn you, Kibo! Hey, I like one-liners plenty, especially if there are fifty different ones in the same article. It's just that a serious scientific analysis of over a billion alt.religion.kibology articles (50% by me, fifty percent by an average user who was selected at random on the basis of height) has shown that articles with only one line of new content tend to contain fewer total funnies than a two-thousand-line essay by Dennis Miller written a few hours after he slipped on a banana peel and falls into a vat of Dippin' Dots. On the other hand, a one-liner usually contains a higher density of funnies per square inch than a long article, but density is unimportant because I do not demand that articles have any specific gravity. I think wacky articles are inherently wackier than serious articles, but that remains to be proven, especially as I often find the serious ones plenty funny because there's something seriously wrong with me. So please keep on posting all the one-liners you want. Just don't be surprised if I say to myself "I will follow up to Francesco Benvenuto's article about how he thinks I hate one-liners with a positively devastatingly brilliant one-liner, such as 'Wuh?', except that I just thought of another hundred or so lines I want to include so I'll put them all in just to shame and humiliate him over the length of his puny one-liner. These fools of Earth will be crushed by my fantastical word-cannon that just doesn't know when to quit! And when I turn it on it goes 'EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE' slightly off-key just to torture all the people who have perfect pitch, and then I point to a very quiet owl who's passed out from the summer heat and say it's 'TOO HOT TO HOOT' and all the people who have perfect palindrome sense are lulled into a false sense of security and then I go for the kill and say 'TOMATO' written horizontally and they all scream 'AAAAAAGH! THAT'S ALMOST A SORT OF PALINDROME IF YOU WRITE IT VERTICALLY BUT IT ISN'T EVEN VERTICAL SO IT'S ALMOST ALMOST A PALINDROME!' and their heads swell up and pop. And that's how I will conquer the world by harnessing the power of your one-liners, Francesco Benvenuto!" and if that doesn't do it I'll yell "BOW DOWN BEFORE ME EM EROFEB NOWD WOB" and all the people with perfect palindrome sense would yell "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON" and furthermore as a backup plan I could always start a game of "Simon Says" with them because then the only thing they'd be allowed to do is syas nomis, whatever that is, or whoever, possibly the illegitamite offspring of Silas Marner and Leonard Nimoy, and as long as he didn't grow up to be an extra-boring Vulcan who points out that I don't know how to spell "illegitimate" I'd RULE THE WORLD! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll have to copy all those almost-palindromes into my secret notebook inscribed with the mystical incantation, TOW RITEP ALINDRO MESON! TOW MATO! OTAM WOT ANA SIAM! SATOR AREPO TENET OPERA MSIE ICAB MOZILLA! !InNoCpOaReRwEtCsTePtAaLeIrNgDyRmOeMrEaS !TEE HEE HEE HEE HEE T! Oops, please forget I said "T!", K? -- K. | I am the reason drug tests | are falsely accused of | giving false negatives. | Really, I truly am negative | right now. If you don't | believe me, remember, | WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Speed of C satelite GPU Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2002 10:24:20 GMT Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonuim In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Some people can spell but are still stupid. It's true, stupid people can spell. That proves you must be a genius. > The energy rates of energy under presure changes , mater takes up more > space in motion so it displaces more energy in motion so gains mass in > motion is how einstien knew space was bent but could not explain energy > under presure . Te universe exands wile matter dont. ...excuse me, a genuis. Like Einstien. Ablert Einstien. > A low energy presure forms around mass , > outgoing waves take some energy out making te low lower. Coliding > waves rase energy between objects is repulsion . "rase" is the only word which has a homonym which is also its antonym and is also misspelled. > The nucleus is thermal knentic energy making intence wave presure and > waes make sounds conducted in energy called light. > I did 15000 hours of math on my liquid piston engines . I ave the end > of the oil age and around 50 billion . Im the worlds first deap sea > miner . It's too bad you have 50 billion and not 50 billion dollars. On the other hand, it's probably easier to store that number than to store the giant pile of money you don't have. If all you have is a number, you can keep it written on your hand for hours or months, depending on your bathing habits. > Call some one else ignorant Okay: Someone else, who isn't you but is exactly as smart as you, is ignorant. -- K. But seriously, you're improving. You got one of the sentences right. And by the way... Intelligence is not the same as being able to spell without a dictionary. Intelligence is being smart enough to understand how to operate a dictionary. Some stupid people can spell fine. The innate ability to spell is not an indication of intelligence. However, admitting you're a bad speller and still being unwilling to do anything about it while you insist you're revolutionizing physics and worth 50 billion somethings, that's an indication of whatever you've got. Anyone who's allegedly smart should at least not get defensive and refuse to TRY to spell when imparting the brilliant wisdom of the ages to the unwashed masses who don't have fifty billion thingies. I'm not saying you CAN'T spell. I'm saying you DON'T spell. You HAVEN'T spelled. You apparently don't WANT to spell. You COULD spell, if you weren't one of those people who considers himself above using the same words as the rest of us peons. As with "mater" and "matter" above, when you don't know the spelling of a word, you don't even try to make each instance match, let alone figure out how to spell it. (Hint: People who are communicating seriously don't change the spelling of words from moment to moment.) We all make spelling errors from time to time, and we can't catch all of them. But when we realize we don't know the correct spelling of a word, most of us understand how to put in enough intellectual effort to FIND OUT how to spell it, rather than just insisting we're great scientists and therefore above having to think about using the alphabet correctly. Here, have a handy wall chart I wrote to reveal a great secret to you: ---- CLIP AND SAVE ----------------------------------------------------------- HOW TO SPELL WORDS TO FOOL PEOPLE INTO THINKING YOU'RE SMARTER THAN YOU ARE Start here: | | V Step 1. USE A DUCKING FICTIONARY! Any cretin who knows what order the alphabet goes in (hint: 'A') can use the dictionary. The dictionary can spell words for you. If you're a cretin who doesn't know how the alphabet works, go to Step 2. Step 2. Type "Dictionary.com" into your Web browser. Dictionary.com can spell words for you. If you can't even spell "dictionary", go to Step 3. Step 3. Ask a friend how to spell the words you need to use. Your friend can spell words for you, or use a dictionary for you. If you don't have a friend, go to Step 4. Step 4. Find your computer's "spell-check" button. Your computer can spell words for you. If you don't have a friend or a computer, then you are a total loser even by the standards of the Internet, where the rest of us all have one or the other. So if you have any brains at all, you should run right out into traffic and go buy a computer, friend, or dictionary. When you go shooping for that dictionary, I recommend "The Super Dictionary", published by D.C. Comics, in which Superman and Batman and Wonder Woman and even your favorite, Aquaman, explain many popular one-syllable words. -- K. I'll take your rantings about Einstein seriously when you can spell either the word "Einstein" or the word "Aquaman". If the latter, you could just rewrite your theory to talk about Aquaman. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Speed of C satelite GPU Date: Tue, 20 Aug 2002 08:13:25 GMT Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > 50 billion usd . Shipping yards , ports , 16 lines and not one of you > idiots can speak one word of my native toung. Boarn 100 miles from a > dirt road in BC . American Indian Thompson James Fraser . I hav a > Korean name too ! Was "Wild-E-CyotePHD", "Wild-E-Cyoteeee", or "T J Ford" your Korean name? And besides, even if I believed "American Indian Thompson James Fraser Space Period" was your real name, how would I know that you wouldn't change it again the next time a better one floated up in your Alpha-Bits? Also, I think you spelled your name wrong at least once in your article, Mr. Frazir/Fraser/Ford/Alpha-Bits. Could you at least settle the question of whether your "s" is a "z" or vice versa? Otherwise I may just have to call you "Mr. Bits" for clarity. (Then whenever we have one of these serious discussions, people can say, "Hey, look! Here come KIBO AND BITS! KIBO AND BITS! I'm gonna get me some KIBO AND BITS!" in that funny voice dogs have on TV.) > I build the bigest boats , the best boats and have liquid piston > engines . > YOU gat an A for spelling and a fat F for gravity . No, "gravity" starts with a "G"! DUH! > YOU could make 10 million today but will not take the chalange. > I could point out the deals , the markets abroad , no mater where you are > if you dont understand how to exploit recorces around you you are stuck. Tell you what. Post a photo of you holding an actual dollar bill. Until then, I will continue to believe you are not just a complete bozo, but also a lying complete bozo. (It doesn't even have to be yours, you could borrow the dollar for a friend. That would prove you had a friend instead of money, but I'd still accept that as proof that you're not the dink I think you are.) > I would talk t a jap paper co and sell all the woodchips in Indiana at > 500 per tone to japan ,sell surgar in Indiana by the 100000 ton loads , > buy up amish lumber and sell to Craft by te MBF and by sundown would have > 100 M usd. On a web tv ! Of course that makes perfect sense -- the Amish have a hundred million dollars' worth of lumber (that's why they call it "Amish country", because it covers 95% of the United States) but they wouldn't sell it to anyone other than you, because they don't trust anyone who uses modern technology, but they love your WebTV. > I would use pixy satelite to find all the gold missed in the gold rush . > Use a pice of xray film from EM to put in pipes at high noon to find gold > in the bay . I sold 9 billion in BC trees per year for 27 years now. Your delusions about your importance in BC rival Johnny Hart's. > I'm much richer than bill. Im going to build te worlds biggest engine > plants and make liquid piston engines and end the oil age ,,,, after > I do my wash You know, I asked a sexy girl for a date recently, but she said "No thanks, I have to make a hundred million imaginary dollars with my imaginary fleet of imaginary ships, and then I have to do my imaginary laundry, and wash my imaginary hair," and then she slapped me, and I'm wondering, does this mean you're a sexy girl, or do you just imagine you are? -- K. Does Kurt Stocklmeir ever come to your boat parties? Do you ever dock your boat at Archimedes Plutonium's imaginary island? Do you even have a real WebTV? An imaginary WebTV. Wow. I think I just blew the part of my mind that comprehends patheticness as we know it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Einstein Was Duch Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2002 10:39:00 GMT Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutoinum In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > EI was Duch moron . Now spit out a black brain , I want to see one , Im > an alian and have no race. How can a non race be a racist ? > Want to compair math ? I'm not sure who this Elbert Ienstien is. If, as you say, E.I. was a Dutch moron, maybe he's the guy who made that "Amsterdamned" movie that was so lame that it bored the little red and blue dots off my TV, so that now I can only see green things. Is he the reason I have to watch Green Giant commercials all day? Good luck in your war with the infamous Dutch moron E.I., and I hope he's not one of those idiots who can't figure out how initials work. -- K. Some famous people you could talk about without having to struggle so much with their initials: Andre Agassi Bill Bixby Captain Crunch Dana Delaney Ed Emshwiller Farrah Fawcett Green Giant Howard Hughes, Hugh Hefner, and/or Hubert H. Humphrey Wil Wheaton Cher ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: By the way Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2002 11:28:33 GMT Because I just spell-flamed "tj Frazir" for insisting he didn't have to try to spell anything because he has 50 billion of something, this means I'll have to proofread what I write very carefully until you people forget about "tj" and his little word-mangling problem. So please let me know when my probationary period is up so I can go back to being fast and careless. Thank you. -- K. Lately when I get tired I've developed this troubling habit of typing homonyms -- I'll think "wait here" and type "wait hear", and this looks really clueless and I never used to have that problem until I became as old as Fonzie in the middle years of "Happy Days" any my spell-checker can't catch "hear" for some reason, waah. By the time he was my age, he had been in the TV special "Henry Winkler Meets William Shakespeare", and I haven't even been in "Kibo meets Potsie"! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo's +100-line posts Date: Sat, 17 Aug 2002 22:41:55 GMT E Teflon Piano (rgriffiths@ubmail.ubalt.edu) wrote: > > He has noting to say and he's saying it. If brevity be the something of > wit, then the word he's looking for is "practical". You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of Kibo, if you're looking for wit. -- K. Excuse me, I meant, You have PRACTICALLY misunderstood the purpose of Kibo, if you're looking for wit. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo's +100-line posts Date: Sun, 18 Aug 2002 03:57:58 GMT Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of Kibo, if you're > > looking for wit. > > I understood the purpose of Kibo to be getting rid of all that nasty > convenience food that nobody in their right mind would touch, never mind > eat. Did I miss something? Preeeeecisely. I am a public service. Give me all your canned chili or I CRUSH YOU LIKE BUG!!!! Whoops, that just sort of slipped out. Sorry for the 'tude, dude! And this article's all double-spaced so far, and that's considered bad form because it wastes precious virtual paper on your computer screen making Captain Planet cry for the imaginary trees, so I'd better put in a chunk of stuff that's long enough that it wouldn't have any gaps in it, but I'll have to be careful not to go all the way to "+100-" lines because nobody would read a book that was that long. That's why at the supermarket checkout counter they offer you a choice between several exciting yet identical tabloid magazines as well as a series of books under "Globe Mini Mags" imprint. They are all two inches by three inches by sixteen pages, and usually contain less than +100- lines because mostly they're just lists of baby names or cat names and don't contain any lines, let alone any content. This is why I buy those brainy full- size tabloids instead. That, and every week, there's the promise of a different celebrity exploding! Will it be "TONY DANZA EXPLODES! As the waiter announces they're out of arrugula!" or "PAUL SHAEFFER EXPLODES! When the elevator stops at too many floors!" I can't get enough of celebrities exploding, and if they ever stop exploding, I WILL GET SO MAD I COULD EXPLODE! Or at least go back to double-spacing. That would be bad. -- K. Why does it smell like curry in here when there's no curry in what I'm cooking? Is the oven just used to my dinner always having curry? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: marketing strategy Date: Sun, 18 Aug 2002 03:27:32 GMT [re odd Australian ad campaigns] Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > Special mention must go to the outside billboard advertising that seems to > get a lot of free publicity whenever it gets put up as the regulations are > different. > > Some notable ones I have seen recently: > > "LEGZ AKIMBO" - Two six metre long legs on a billboard that are meant to be > advertising pantyhose or something. The company spent it's entire > advetising budget on the one billboard (the news stories made up for it.) I would like everyone to know that, when I become a gangster, I will be known as "Legz A. Kibo". Of course, that's subject to change if I get a scar shaped like something interesting. "That's Dickclarkscarface Kibo! You can tell because his forehead has a scar shaped like Dick Clark, right in front of the scar shaped like the set of American Bandstand. And if you don't believe me, look at Kibo's butt! He's got a scar shaped like a certificate of authenticity, proving he's the real Dickclarkscarface Kibo." -- K. "And watch out, he's got a Splurge Gun!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Now, NOW I Have Seen Everything Date: Sun, 18 Aug 2002 04:14:54 GMT Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Today, whilst shopping at the pet store nearest our family manse, Vlad > uttered a strangled cry and turned to me speechless, helpless. > > In his hand was a "toy" for one's "dog" which consisted of a plastic > bottle and a plastic wand with a small hoop at one end. The bottle > was filled with--- wait for it--- "bacon-scented bubbles." Wow! I knew dogs got beef-flavored toothpaste, but I didn't know they got other wonderful things! I'm imagining Bob Hope pulling a rope that covers Ann Margaret in bacon suds. I looked up the bacon bubbles on the Web and found a description at HappyDogToys.com: -> Bubble Buddy(tm) -> Scented bubble-blowing dog toy. Trigger-operated air-bellows mechanism. -> No batteries required. Includes Sizzlin' Bacon scented bubbles. -> Peanut Butter and BBQ Chicken scented bubble refills sold separately. -> Package size and weight: 8" x 13" x 3". 12 oz. Peg presentation. What? No Artificial Popcorn Butter flavor like those squirt guns I once saw in Toys R Us came with? Well, I'm sure if they sell well they'll expand their flavor range. In addition to Sizzlin' Bacon they could also have Canadian Bacon and BacOs and even Pork Rinds. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the local head shop and secretly replace the patchouli oil in their aromatherapy warmer thingie with bacon bubble juice, so that they'll trip out amid a groovy storm of bacon bubbles! -- K. Also, I can't wait for new improved Pepperoni-Flavored Mr. Bubble, especially if it's demonstrated by a sexy lady named Peg Presentation. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Now, NOW I Have Seen Everything Date: Tue, 20 Aug 2002 04:07:21 GMT The Avocado Avenger (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the local head shop and > > secretly replace the patchouli oil in their aromatherapy warmer > > thingie with bacon bubble juice, so that they'll trip out amid > > a groovy storm of bacon bubbles! > > Even the super megaplex city of Boston has just a head shop and not an > entire head neighborhood? Harvard Square is in Cambridge, not Boston. All the Harvard and MIT students are stoned all day every day all year, but the more serious Boston University and Boston College and Emerson College and Berklee School of Music students are sober sophisticates who would never smoke pot, watch TV, or wear black. At Harvard, all the homework is stuff like "Look at a lava lamp while eating a peach until you understand the peach. Also, grades are for squares, and if your family asks if we give out grades, tell them you're part of a bigger family now, called Umwelt." At Emerson College, it's "Draw a flowchart of these 29 new vowels we made up in our own secret Masonic alphabet. Then, if you survive the passage through the grotto of fire, you will be put in control of Hollywood. Recite the oath now and prepare for the insertion of the instrument of obedience." They don't allow drugs in Boston, just funny vowels that look like they're made from hats and those little hooks from old-time bras. > I always thought the lack of head neighborhoods was a sure sign you > were in Kansas. Or at least in Manhattan, Kansas. I'm pretty sure fun is also disallowed somewhere in Canada. > Manhattan has one head shop, called "On the Wild Side". Lots of tie-dye > and Yes t-shirts and flourescent posters and incense. And they have a > widdle sex shop called "The Flip Side" which consists of a bunch of body > lotions in the same scents their incense comes in, some round rubber bandy > things which look like black gummy worms who have just eaten marbles -- > I'm told these are super futuristic adjustable cock rings -- and a glass > case that houses one (1) eight inch pinky flesh dildo. It's just been > sitting there, in the case, pointing up at the ceiling for about seven > years. > Now, I don't know about you, but the idea of a seven year old dildo > covered in the dust and grime that seeps in between the cracks of this > ancient glass case does not instill me with the desire to shove said dildo > into my cooter in sexual ecstasy. > Oh, by the way, if you're under 18, you can't read this post. > This is the same dildo I mentioned many years ago on this very > newsgroup. And it's still there. It's probably stuck to the shelf. The > plastic film in the window of the box is so old it's fallen out because > the glue dehydrated. People jostle the glass case to see if the stupid > thing will jiggle like jelly and/or Santa's tummy. > It doesn't. I think it's petrified. I always wondered where the Spencer Gifts store went when it vanished from Boston's only shopping mall. Now I know. Do they still have those flat gift boxes that say "A GIFT FOR A MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING BUT HAIR" and then inside is printed "HA HA YOU'RE BALD AND I JUST FARTED"? I miss the wit and wisdom of Spencer Gifts. After they changed their name and moved to Kansas, did they increase their stock of blacklight bulbs with filaments shaped like jerkily- flickering candle flames, or have they discontinued those in favor of more modern appliances such as those revolving fiber-optic trees that change color while making grinding noises? Spencer Gifts, your source for stuff hippies would think was lame if they had had it back when they had hippies, plus fart jokes and sex toys, usually rolled into one. -- K. And don't forget the toy gumball machines. All fake hippies want to be able to sell gumballs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Apology. Date: Tue, 20 Aug 2002 04:25:45 GMT Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > I would like to apologize to Tam and Kevin for being too mentally > drained by yesterday's suffocating, muggy heat to be witty and debonair > whilst they briefly visited town. Instead they got the vaguely dazed > and frequently-looking-at-his-watch version of Matt. Fortunately > Kibo is more inured to suffocating, muggy heat and he filled in. The heat was bad, and of course I was sweating like someone who takes the titles of Richard Simmons videos way too seriously. But I was happy that I got to take so many pictures of that Loew's theater marquee with the five-dot tall font where the "M" looks like a boldface "U" and the "S" looks like an "8" with a serif at the upper left and all the vowels are stuck to the sides of the adjacent letters except when two are in a row in which case there's a bigger gap between the adjacent letters than there is between ones that have a space between them. Since then I have been busy building an exact digital replica of this dot-based font and I can proudly say I now have the only copy of the WORLD'S WORST FONT. NO HUMAN BEING WOULD DRAW AN "M" THAT WAY! So, Tam and Kevin, thank you for a wonderful evening with me and what was left of Matt, and you can take comfort in knowing that that evening inspired me to design the WORLD'S WORST FONT. It's the WORLD'S WORST FONT, even when you take into account that it was scrolling the words "NOW SHOWING : MASTER OF DISGUISE" over and over, which almost succeeded in making the typography seem like it was only 99% responsible for the badness of that message. But the typography trumped the crappy movie because it's the WORLD'S WORST FONT! You can use your imagination. I'm not going to show it here because the Internet does not support any graphics formats crude enough to do it justice. -- K. The "G" is an eyeball. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: apam: it's YOUR fault Date: Tue, 20 Aug 2002 04:34:44 GMT "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > so anyways, I get this email a few minutes ago from "stephanie" (NOT A > REAL PERSON, although this may be her real name.) it's a dumbass ad > for a swinger site, which apparently doesn't do well enough without > spamming. hmmm, porn sites spam a lot, too. could it be that the story > about porn being such a big business is all a BIG LIE? > > "stephanie" told me: > > -> Hi :-) , I am sending you this e-mail because I found you > -> listed on the Internet as someone interested in the "Swing > -> Lifestyle". > > [ blah blah blah ] > > -> If you are NOT interested in the "Lifestyle" any more, > -> please, accept my apology for bothering you with this > -> information. However, please understand. If you wouldn't > -> be listed on the Internet as one of the "real" people > -> interested, it would never happen. > > so this spam is one step up (or down) from the spam email that > lies and tells you that you requested the spam. according to > "stephanie", not only did I put my email up on a swingers page > (one not indexed by google, apparently,) but also it is ALL MY > FAULT that I received the spam, because I trix0red her into > believing I lived "the lifestyle". I got an interesting attempt at social engineering today. It was mailed to about twenty people @world.std.com, and it said something like "You have been subscribed to the EXTREMELY GAY PORN mailing list. You will now begin receiving EXTREMELY GAY PORN immediately. If you do not want massive amounts of EXTREMELY GAY PORN, it is essential that you REPLY TO THIS MESSAGE IMMEDIATELY." So, someone is attempting to look for people who are (a) suckers and (b) homophobes at the same time, presumably to offer them an array of useless products for today's homophobe. Either that, or it's yet another piece of proof that on the Internet, everyone thinks everyone else on the Internet is gay. -- K. I know there are people who actually do like receiving spam (I guess because it makes them feel special, or maybe they are truly worried they might miss a great bargain.) Do those people get upset when you send them a personal note and write back, "Hey! Stop sending me mail that's not spam!"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: un-named cat says.... Date: Tue, 20 Aug 2002 05:07:44 GMT Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > [on various hygiene issues involving cats and humans at the same time] > > I beg to differ. Worse than either is being thrown up all over, and I > mean all over, repeatedly. You know, that's one of those beautiful sentences where there's nothing wrong with it, but it could make any computer that tries to diagram sentences cry, or at least throw up all over. It would start vibrating and yelling "'up' is a preposition! 'over' is a preposition! Being thrown up all over would require me to be tossed into the air in every place in the Universe, one by one, in my choice of either alphabetical or semi-random order based on geographical convenience! And it said 'repeatedly' so I'd have to do it all again! And the ride to all those places would be so long that I'd get carsick!" This is because computers do not understand what we humans mean when we talk about barfing. Someday they will make a computer which can either understand English or can understand the concept of vomit, and on that day we will be sad because there will only be one more invention to be invented (a computer which can understand both English and the concept of vomit) before we run out of inventions and the Patent Office has to shut down and become a strip club. The only way to make that sentence more beautiful to a human and more horrifying to a computer: "Over and above either is being thrown up all over over and over." -- K. Red rover, red rover, send Linguo the grammar robot right over! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Beware of the technologically developed special insect! Date: Tue, 20 Aug 2002 06:17:41 GMT I think this is unrelated to the attacks by the mysterious "object" I reported recently, because this isn't an object, it's something else. From ABCNews.go.com: -> -> 'Face-Clawing Monster' Terrifies Indian State -> -> -- By Sharat Pradhan -> -> LUCKNOW, India (Reuters) - Reports of a flashing space creature, -> or maybe a mutant bug that glows at both ends, have created panic -> in India's most populous state, triggering riots and lynchings -> that have killed more than a dozen people. -> -> Victims report being scratched by something flashing blue, red or -> green that strikes only at faces and only at night. The creature -> has been dubbed "Muhnochwa," or "face-clawing monster." -> -> Some police in Uttar Pradesh state have declared that Muhnochwa -> is an extraterrestrial being. Others say it is a "technologically -> developed special insect" that glows red from the front and blue -> from its rear, let loose by foreign "anti-national elements" -- a -> euphemism for Pakistani agents. And we all know the Pakistanis have access to a large supply of alien pushmi-pullyu robot insects that strike only at faces and only at night and are covered with Christmas lights. -> Scientists say they have found no evidence that it exists at all. It must not -- nobody owns Muhnochwa.com, Muhnochwa.net, or Muhnochwa.org. -> Police have said that at least two people have died and scores -> have been injured in alleged "Muhnochwa" attacks that began a -> month ago at the start of the monsoon. Details of the reported -> deaths, such as the injuries found on the bodies, were not available. -> -> Terrified villagers have killed people suspected of being a -> Muhnochwa and one person died Sunday when police fired on a crowd -> storming their village post 40 miles from the state capital, Lucknow. -> -> The crowd accused police of not doing enough to protect them. What, the police should have fired MORE bullets at them? -> "At least a dozen persons have been lynched by irate mobs of -> villagers who mistook them for Muhnochwa over the past month -> since the queer incident was first reported," state home -> secretary Dipti Vilas told Reuters. -> -> In some areas, public gatherings of more than five people have -> been banned. Some villages are virtual ghost towns at night. -> -> The attacks began in isolated villages but have spread to -> Lucknow, a bustling cultural center of two million people. -> -> "I was sleeping on my terrace when around 2:45 a.m. on Tuesday I -> woke up with a start to find a bright red blinking object -> attacking my face and trying to pull me away," said Asma, who -> lives in Lucknow's old quarter. -> -> "I screamed, but no sooner than my husband got up, it vanished -> into the thin air, leaving a couple of scratches on my face." -> -> Witnesses describe the Muhnochwa variously as a creature or an -> object, shaped like a football, or a tortoise. ...or a teakettle, or a nudibranch, or a backscratcher, or a wad of ABC gum, or a bunny in a kilt, or an overfilled Pez dispenser, or a wastebasket, or Vladimir Tatlin's Monument To The Third International, or Brett Somers... -> The attacks come a year after parts of neighboring Bihar state reported -> attacks by a mysterious "monkey-man," black and ape-like with large -> claws and, some witnesses said, sparkling red and blue lights. -> -> Those attacks in turn came exactly a year after a similar -> creature terrorized New Delhi. Maybe the monkey-man flies around on the back of the double-ended robo-bug. -> The Uttar Pradesh government has called in a team of scientific -> experts to investigate. But the Press Trust of India quoted the -> Indian Institute of Technology team saying it had found no -> evidence of the Muhnochwa's existence. -> -> Instead, team member Professor Ravindra Arora said he believed -> the most likely explanation in the drought-stricken state was -> lightning balls, common during prolonged dry spells. Yeah, that's because lightning always looks like a two-headed robot bug that looks like a football that looks like Brett Somers. You can tell lightning balls from Brett Somers by asking them a "Match Game '76" question, and the one who gives the dumbest answer is the real one. -> Copyright 2002 Reuters News Service. All rights reserved. This -> material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. I'm not redistributing it, I'm just distributing it. I promise not to post it twice. More details, from HindustanTimes.com: => Shops gutted over 'muhnochwa' issue, 9 held in Uttar Pradesh => Press Trust of India => Barabanki (UP), August 12 => => Tension prevailed in village Khurdmau of the district after a mob => set ablaze some shops, belonging to people of a particular => community, accusing them of sending "the mysterious creature => muhnochwa" in the area, even as nine people have been arrested in => this connection, police said here on Monday. => => The trouble began last evening when some villagers set afire the => shops charging their owners with sending the "mysterious => creature", which has been creating terror in several districts of => eastern UP for some days, police said. => => After the incident nine people had been arrested, police said. => => The mob also blocked roads protesting the arrests but was later => dispersed, police said adding security personnel in large number => have been deployed in the village to maintain law and order. => => The situation was under "control", they added. => => The mysterious creature 'Muhnochwa' is in fact a three and a half => inch-long winged insect, police had claimed yesterday. But is it the kind of insect that looks like a football, or the kind that looks like a turtle? And was it a double-ended robot or just a regular Brett Somers? => At least two persons have died so far and several others injured => in the state after being allegedly attacked by "Muhnochwa". Yes, but every day, around the world, thousands of people die for NO REASON AT ALL! I find that much more terrifying. Even after I've lived to be 120 years old, I could die at any moment! From the redundantly named TimesOfIndia.IndiaTimes.com: -> Extra-terrestrials invade UP, says IB -> -> PERVEZ IQBAL SIDDIQUI ...plus 50 points for using all my tiles, times three for hitting a red Triple Word Score square... I declare myself the world's first Scrabble millionaire. -> TIMES NEWS NETWORK [ SATURDAY, AUGUST 17, 2002 11:16:30 PM ] -> -> LUCKNOW: With five visuals of what is feared as the muhnochwa -> `trapped' on video tapes -- three of which were recorded by the -> team of intelligence sleuths in the state -- the scare does not -> seem to be unfounded. The sleuths who had worked on muhnochwa do -> not rule out the possibility of the presence of an -> extra-terrestrial body (ETB) with electro-magnetic (EM) effect in -> at least three per cent of the cases. While the Indian agencies -> were yet to admit the presence of ETB, THERE ARE NO EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL BODIES! NOT EVEN THE MOON! THE MOON DOES NOT EXIST! MARTIN LANDAU BLEW IT UP IN 1999! -> foreign research agencies, intelligence reports said, have already been -> to the affected areas, met the victims and collected necessary data. -> -> Sources said that after going through the video tape provided by -> the wife of a lawyer in Mirzapur and another frame recorded by a -> resident in Sitapur, which had a flash of light speeding through -> one end of the lens to another within a second, So the speed of light is the thickness of a piece of glass in one second? Gee, India must be boring if everything has to go that slowly. -> an intelligence team reached Sitapur on August 7 and set up a an -> indigenously-designed observatory. -> -> A base of a mixer grinder was fitted with lights of the colours -> that the victims had narrated before the team varying from -> orange, yellow, green to the most common red and blue -> combination. The apparatus was put at a height in total darkness. -> The idea behind the exercise was that the extra-terrestrial body -> may take note of something resembling it and might come near it. -> And it did. At 1:05 am a flash of light neared the apparatus. "It -> was like the photocopier top plate with that sharp light while -> taking impressions," revealed a member of the team while drawing -> a parallel. A DEADLY FLYING PHOTOCOPIER THAT LOOKS LIKE A FOOTBALL AND/OR BRETT SOMERS! -> The team, comprising forensic experts, serologists, medico-legal -> experts, electronic engineers and physicists equipped with night -> vision devices, zero light video cameras and telescopes apart -> from other gadgetry, was witness to the "light" which was seen -> thrice. It descended close to the handmade muhnochwa and then -> disappeared. The video clipping has a flash of light running -> across the screen but nothing more. The big question is, does it show up in a mirror? Or is it one of those robo-vampire insects shaped like a turtle football? -> The team of experts also conducted a study by filling up a -> questionnaire on the basis of the experience of the victims from -> Mirzapur, Bhadohi, Varanasi, Jaunpur, Sitapur, Hardoi, Bara -> Banki, Rae Bareli, Lucknow and Sitapur. Out of a sample study of -> 100 injured victims, 10 were found to be victims of an insect -> bite or scratch. Another 10 suffered the injuries indirectly -> (like bruises while running after a scare in the night). The -> remaining had one or more of the following four common factors: -> Experiencing electric shock, seeing sharp light, feeling hard -> oval object. What is the medical treatment for "feeling hard oval object"? A prescription saying "Go fondle a squishy square"? -> Out of 80 people, 65 were found to have suffered physical -> injuries and there were three who tried to overpower the ETB. -> "All the three had suffered hundreds of scars, as if caused by a -> blade, on the palm and it was inexplicable by any team member," -> said an expert who examined the injuries adding that this was -> what raised possibilities of an ETB being out there. ONLY ALIEN TECHNOLOGY CAN MAKE THINGS POINTY!!! -> But there is still a long way to go before these experts could -> come up with anything conclusive on the muhnochwa scare. -> -> However, Dr NK Mehrotra, professor, department of physics at -> Lucknow University, said that such possibilities were remote. -> Similar views were aired by his colleague Professor Chaman -> Mehrotra. "It may be out of atmospheric changes that such things -> might have occured and then someone might have added a dimension -> of mischief to it by putting up a man-made thing in the air," he -> said. Managar ISTRAC, a unit of ISRO, CD Sharma too expressed his -> doubts over possibilities of an ETB. "I do not knwo what type -> of a study has been conducted and what were the findings but with -> what I have gathered from the media reports, the ETB theory -> remains unconvincing," he said talking to Times News Network. Did he actually pronounce it "knwo"? Also, is "Muhnochwa" pronounced "Mahna Mahna" or "Mah Nah Mah Nah"? Muhnochwa! (doot-doo-doo-doot) Muhnochwa! (doot-doo-doo-doot) OH NO, THE DOUBLE-ENDED ROBOT BUG'S THEME SONG IS STUCK IN MY BRAIN! PLEASE SEND THE INDIAN POLICE TO KILL ME! -- K. A Web page explains the history of "Mahna Mahna": "The song was written by Piero Umiliani and is from the 1969 Avco Embassy Film, 'Sweden Heaven and Hell.'" ...are all the other "Sesame Street" songs based on porn music? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: nutty NASA nattering Date: Tue, 20 Aug 2002 06:42:18 GMT Attention, Robert Lindsay! Right after you got fired, NASA went insane! From WashTimes.com: -> -> NASA plans to read terrorist's minds at airports -> -> By Frank J. Murray -> -> THE WASHINGTON TIMES -> -> Officials of the National Aeronautics and Space -> Administration have told Northwest Airlines security specialists -> that the agency is developing brain-monitoring devices in -> cooperation with a commercial firm, which it did not identify. Kreskintech? -> Space technology would be adapted to receive and analyze -> brain-wave and heartbeat patterns, then feed that data into -> computerized programs "to detect passengers who potentially might -> pose a threat," according to briefing documents obtained by The -> Washington Times. -> -> NASA wants to use "noninvasive neuro-electric sensors," -> imbedded in gates, to collect tiny electric signals that all -> brains and hearts transmit. Computers would apply statistical -> algorithms to correlate physiologic patterns with computerized -> data on travel routines, criminal background and credit -> information from "hundreds to thousands of data sources," NASA -> documents say. I'm sure this will work almost as well as regular phrenology. -> The notion has raised privacy concerns. Mihir Kshirsagar of -> the Electronic Privacy Information Center says such technology -> would only add to airport-security chaos. "A lot of people's fear -> of flying would send those meters off the chart. Are they going -> to pull all those people aside?" Okay, I'm never going to take Mikir Kshirsagar seriously again, because he didn't just say "This notion raises stupidity concerns!" -> The organization obtained documents July 31, the product of -> a Freedom of Information Act lawsuit against the Transportation -> Security Administration, and offered the documents to this newspaper. Why, was it rejected by the one that's not run by Moonies? -> Mr. Kshirsagar's organization is concerned about -> enhancements already being added to the Computer-Aided Passenger -> Pre-Screening (CAPPS) system. Data from sensing machines are -> intended to be added to that mix. -> -> NASA aerospace research manager Herb Schlickenmaier told The -> Times the test proposal to Northwest Airlines is one of four -> airline-security projects the agency is developing. It's too soon -> to know whether any of it is working, he says. But soon we will have proved that the magical invisible dust emitted by NASA is keeping tigers away! -> "There are baby steps for us to walk through before we can -> make any pronouncements," says Mr. Schlickenmaier, the Washington -> official overseeing scientists who briefed Northwest Airlines on -> the plan. He likened the proposal to a super lie detector that -> would also measure pulse rate, body temperature, eye-flicker rate -> and other biometric aspects sensed remotely. Given that the common every-day unreliable "lie detector" was invented by the guy who created Wonder Woman (true), does this mean the "super lie detector" was invented by someone who's going to go on to draw a comic book called "Super Wonder Woman"? What would happen if Super Wonder Woman got into a fight with Batspiderman? -> Though adding mind reading to screening remains theoretical, -> Mr. Schlickenmaier says, he confirms that NASA has a goal of -> measuring brain waves and heartbeat rates of airline passengers -> as they pass screening machines. That's just one of their goals. The other one is to soft-land the Moon on Iowa. Why are people always complaining that space exploration is a waste of money when NASA also does REALLY stupid stuff? -> This has raised concerns that using noninvasive procedures -> is merely a first step. Private researchers say reliable EEG -> brain waves are usually measurable only by machines whose sensors -> touch the head, sometimes in a "thinking cap" device. "To say I -> can take that cap off and put sensors in a doorjamb, and as the -> passenger starts walking through [to allow me to say] that they -> are a threat or not, is at this point a future application," Mr. -> Schlickenmaier said in an interview. Also, how do they separate "reliable EEG brain waves" from the random squiggles on a normal EEG? The ones that just show whether you're in a coma or just asleep? -> "Can I build a sensor that can move off of the head and -> still detect the EEG?" asks Mr. Schlickenmaier, who led NASA's -> development of airborne wind-shear detectors 20 years ago. "If I -> can do that, and I don't know that right now, can I package it -> and [then] say we can do this, or no we can't? We are going to -> look at this question. Can this be done? Is the physics -> possible?" ...and is this related to the flying double-ended glowing robot insect that's been attacking people in India? -> Two physics professors familiar with brain-wave research, -> but not associated with NASA, questioned how such testing could -> be feasible or reliable for mass screening. "What they're saying -> they would do has not been done, even wired in," says a national -> authority on neuro-electric sensing, who asked not to be -> identified. He called NASA's goal "pretty far out." At least it's not "groovy." Me, I would have called it "telepathetic." -> Both professors also raised privacy concerns. ...and then they had to use a crane to raise the HUGE TOTAL FUCKING WASTE OF MONEY ON MAGICKAL WIZARDRY COMIC-BOOK FANTASIES concerns. -> "Screening systems must address privacy and 'Big Brother' -> issues to the extent possible," a NASA briefing paper, presented -> at a two-day meeting at Northwest Airlines headquarters in St. -> Paul, Minn., acknowledges. Last year, the Supreme Court ruled -> unconstitutional police efforts to use noninvasive -> "sense-enhancing technology" that is not in general public use in -> order to collect data otherwise unobtainable without a warrant. -> However, the high court consistently exempts airports and border -> posts from most Fourth Amendment restrictions on searches. -> -> "We're getting closer to reading minds than you might -> suppose," says Robert Park, a physics professor at the University -> of Maryland and spokesman for the American Physical Society. "It -> does make me uncomfortable. That's the limit of privacy invasion. -> You can't go further than that." Sure they could. They could measure your phrenological bumps while also doing a handwriting analysis and iridology. Also, anal probes. -> "We're close to the point where they can tell to an extent -> what you're thinking about by which part of the brain is -> activated, which is close to reading your mind. ...in exactly the same way that telling which part of a book has words in it is close to reading the book. -> It would be terribly complicated to try to build a device that -> would read your mind as you walk by." Why? All they'd have to do is feed the squiggle from the EEG machine into one of those things that can turn a squiggle into English. It's just like playing a phonograph record, where the little needle turns the little squiggly grooves into people singing -- except in this case they'd have to stick the needle into your brain while making your head revolve at thirty-three and a third RPM. -> The idea is plausible, he says, but frightening. I find it implausible that this idea is plausible enough that I'm sitting here debating The Brain Machine, especially since the other guy probably isn't even reading this. Unless he's reading it RIGHT FROM MY MIND! -> At the Northwest Airlines session conducted Dec. 10-11, nine -> scientists and managers from NASA Ames Research Center at Moffett -> Field, Calif., proposed a "pilot test" of the Aviation Security -> Reporting System. -> -> NASA also requested that the airline turn over all of its -> computerized passenger data for July, August and September 2001 -> to incorporate in NASA's "passenger-screening testbed" that uses -> "threat-assessment software" to analyze such data, biometric -> facial recognition and "neuro-electric sensing." -> -> Northwest officials would not comment. -> -> Published scientific reports show NASA researcher Alan Pope, -> at NASA Langley Research Center in Hampton, Va., produced a -> system to alert pilots or astronauts who daydream or "zone out" -> for as few as five seconds. Yep, and if we can kind of detect whether or not you're asleep, of course we can determine whether you're a bad person. -> The September 11 hijackers helped highlight one weakness of -> the CAPPS system. They did dry runs that show whether a specific -> terrorist is likely to be identified as a threat. Those pulled -> out for special checking could be replaced by others who do not -> raise suspicions. The September 11 hijackers cleared security -> under their own names, even though nine of them were pulled aside -> for extra attention. Well, of course if CAPPS doesn't work, we should switch our trust to something considerably more ridiculous. -- K. Have they considered just hiring Wonder Woman? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW:"Streetlight" dance/party light Date: Tue, 20 Aug 2002 07:09:05 GMT "Half-a-buck Dharma" (eagle@agora.rdrop.com) wrote: > > The "Streetlight" is a plastic object, about 7" long and .75" wide. > The plastic is transparent in order to allow viewing of the contents > which are, to wit: a bright LED at each end and a long micro-flourscent > tube in the middle. The switching assembly, PC board (strip, really) > and batteries can also be seen. > > There is one switch for the three engerized modes of operating, it's > a button which is pressed repeatedly to cycle between them. > > They are: > > 1) Chase Mode (Blue light-white light-red light) > 2) Strobe mode (All three flash in unison) > 3) Steady on (left as exercise for the reader) > 4) Off > > This is the funny on the package. "Off" is actually one of the > modes!!! What a quantum leap in technology THIS is! And to think I just said that Spencer Gifts had become oh-so-very irrelevant because all they ever tried to do was market behind-the-times watered-down imitations of stuff hippies might like, when all along they were specializing in high-tech "rave" gee-gaws before we even knew what MDMA was! At last we're living in the future world of Gil Gerard's "Buck Rogers In The 25th Century" where people will do disco dances to Moog synthesizer music while wrapping each other in strands of flashing Christmas lights which are also used to refuel all the spaceships. Gosh! I gotta start going to raves if they're like "Buck Rogers", especially because I want to see Erin Gray get cornered by those midgets shouting "OFF-THINK! OFF-THINK! OFF-THINK!" as they telekinetically rip her clothes off. But I don't want to go to any raves with Gary Coleman, because those are always just made out of clips from old raves. And I'm staying away from any raves titled "Vegas In Space" for a couple of different reasons. -- K. Something I've wondered since childhood: How come Buck's Starfighter had that laser cannon that would turn Draconian raiders into Cylon fighters when they exploded? And why was there a "Galactica 1980" but not a "Buck Rogers In The 25th Century 1982"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I hope no one gave me the keys to the death ray Date: Tue, 20 Aug 2002 07:19:51 GMT "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > I probably *shouldn't* tell you about this dream I had, what with the > death ray going all out of control and stuff, like at the end of every > pink panther movie... oh wait, hold on one sec: > > BOB HOPE BOB HOPE BOB HOPE BOB HOPE BOB HOPE BOB HOPE > > ok, that's better. although I still say that, in reality, there is no death > ray, it's the vampiric bob hope's fault. Remember, the death ray doesn't work if you WANT someone to die. That's how this whole Bob Hope thing started -- in 1996, I quite innocently wished him to die, and now he's immortal! > but anyways. > > so I had this dream last night that I was the executor of weird al yankovic's > estate. weird al's will was actually on videotape, but someone (NOT ME) > misplaced the tape, and I was looking through stacks of tapes trying to > find weird al's will, and I was frantic because I didn't want to let weird al > down. so anyways, most of the tapes were from weird al's new teevee show > that was sort of like elvira's movie macabre or MST3K in that it showed > bad horror movies. On "King Of The Hill" last year, Bobby mentioned that he liked Weird Al, and Hank yelled that Weird Al blew his brains out because nobody was buying his records any more, and it depressed me that they were trying to get people to confuse the still-very-much-alive Weird Al with Bob Hope. (Bob Hope's alive, but nobody's buying his records and his brains have definitely been blown out.) > it turned out, however, that while weird al was preparing his will, he had > decided to GET A MAC, only it was a special mac with the classic design, > but instead of a floppy drive or cd drive it had a vcr, and the video will > was in fact in the mac and not lying around in one of the tape piles. so > everyone finally got to see weird al's will, and it was very funny, but since > I don't remember anything about it, you'll just have to wait to see it for > reals. Did it involve having to spend a weekend in a haunted house, or was it a funny will? > I would like to say that at this point weird al appeared to me and told me > he was not really dead, but that this was all a test to see if I was truly > ready to be granted SUPER POWERS, but this didn't happen. > > oh, and also, al didn't leave you guys anything. Damn! I've been waiting my whole life for Weird Al to give me super powers! I suppose this also means Spock's not going to clue me in to his secret for zero-gravity tantric sex. -- K. Remember, Talysman, the alt.religion.kibology death ray doesn't work if you want someone to die, so if you truly like Weird Al, you should want him to die. (You don't have to say it to his face -- a "Twisted Whiskers" greeting card will do the job.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: a great big bunch of poetry for paula, part two Date: Tue, 20 Aug 2002 07:38:01 GMT Jonathan Benney (jdb@student.unimelb.edu.au) wrote: > > My mum got this email at work recently (relating to a broken drink machine): > > 8<-----------8<-----------8<-----------8<-----------8<----------- > > [elided], > Êl do not know who the coke machine was asked to beÊ put in myÊ at > [elided], please let me get back to you with the answer , as soon as > possible > , (l would say it is????????). > > 8<-----------8<-----------8<-----------8<-----------8<----------- > > Total incoherence, weird spacing, and mispunctuation aside, not even > Manley Hubbell thought that "l" was "I". I think that I is "K". I would be happy to have a Coke machine put in my, at work, although I don't like Coke (and I definitely don't like new Vanilla Coke or newer, viler Pepsi Blue) just because I'd like to have something more to tip over when I go on a murderous rampage during a spam overload. Today I came into work and the corridor leading to my office had suddenly developed giant, droopy ducts filling the top half of it. Apparently some of the computers were overcooking in the heat wave so they called Central Services and Bob Hoskins came in with a giant roll of foot-wide spring-loaded ducting. Imagine a Slinky a foot in diameter, covered with shiny aluminum foil like an infinitely- long Jiffy Pop. Now take two lengths of this and drape it over the tops of two doors in doorways on opposite sides of the corridor. Then duck under it to get to my office. I'm practicing my Woody Woodpecker laugh for when it swells up and pops, sending E-mail flying all over the office. Or rather, my half an office. It's been divided right down the middle by some sort of permanent partition. I can't open up the front of the air-conditioning blower to clean the filter because the partition goes right over the middle of the air conditioner. Every month the film "Brazil" comes true a little more. Don't be surprised if tomorrow my articles get all scrambled because the Ministry goes back to Metric without telling us. -- K. MIND THAT PARCEL, IT COULD BE A BOMB! Follow the government's instructions on that poster and look for wavy stink lines. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: a great big bunch of poetry for paula, part two Date: Thu, 22 Aug 2002 04:18:48 GMT Dag Right-square-bracket-gren (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] I definitely don't like new Vanilla Coke or newer, viler Pepsi Blue > > You just reminded me that I noticed, a few days ago, that apparently Pepsi > is trying to introduce Mountain Dew in Finland. I saw it being sold in a > Pepsi machine, but it was sold out so I didn't get to try it. > > So after reading this article, but BEFORE posting it, I went out on a > tour of the local shops to see if I could find it. First, I tried the > Pepsi machine at the computer science department - they'd HAVE to have it > there, right? Nope. The a grociery store. Nope. A smaller store. Nope. The > nearby supermarket. NOPE! > > WORST PRODUCT LAUNCH EVER! Reminds me of the trouble I'm having finding that new red Dr Pepper. I keep seeing TV commercials for it, but of course being a Dr Pepper product, it's not widely available north of the Mason-Dixon line (although it goes further north than Mr. Pibb) and I can't even remember what the official name of the new red Dr Pepper is and I have no idea what it's supposed to taste like. Gosh, I hope they didn't screw up Dr Pepper by adding cherry-vanila flavor or anything. I assume it's just regular Dr Pepper with extra dye and caffeine. Because they never reduce the amount of caffeine when they bring out a rad new extreme soda. Also, I still can't find any black Gatorade. I think the last bottle of it got sold six years ago. I hate the bastard who bought it. If it wasn't for him, I'd be able to buy that bottle right now! -- K. In the future, every soda will be available in every flavor possible, so that you'll be able to get Blue Watermelon Dr Pepper, Shiitake Mushroom Mountain Dew, Cheez Coke, Cheez Coke Pepsi, and Cheez Coke Pepsi Coke. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: An astronaut's same rate fall on earth dummies ! Date: Tue, 20 Aug 2002 07:52:40 GMT Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Dose it matter if i is 5 lb or 50 ? No the rate of fall is the same , > It weigts less on te moon but falls at the same speed as on earth : ) > And the diameter of orbit much less !!!!!!!! > SO YOUR WAY WAY OFF , evry one of ya ! > Sorry no sea gar I think that's where gars usually live, in the sea. Also in lakes. Perhaps you meant to say something more intelligent like "Sorry no land gar." -- K. I'm told gar roe are poisonous to humans. Also, gar bage smells bad. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: An astronaut's same rate fall on earth dummies ! Date: Thu, 22 Aug 2002 06:19:00 GMT Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.stupid In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > No snars live at sea ,,,gars live in lakes . Snars, huh? Do snars hang around with blockers and nitches? Do they ever go on a voyage to Gravolti? And how many tons of cosmetic lava does it take to cover a snar? Speaking of snars... I once knew a fellow who had snoo in his blood! > Its because the ballest bag ,,as a fish whale dives the bag gets > smaller ,,what can you mix with salt to make air bubbles to inflate > blatter ? > Fresh water fish must swim back twards the serface . Up there th > boyancy is ok but down hear the bass must swim up he cant float up. > I did some wherd test , put a bass in a balloon and send it 3 miles > down and up again . full of fresh water . The bass in the balloon > wieghts how much up and down 3 miles. You fool, you're supposed to put a bee in a balloon! The bass goes in an orchestra! > oxygen and murcury gas ! . ####### a winner evry time : ) a boyancy > lesson for subs ! So when the middle third of your smiley floated away, did it just go up to the top of the water, or did it float out into space, past the edge of the known Universe, and into the Land Of Nose Hyphens? -- K. Also, here's another question I need you to answer for me: When they make stuffed grape leaves, do they just throw out the grapes, or do they save them so they can make them into Grape Nuts? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Annoying, annoying, ANNOYING ice cream truck update. Date: Wed, 21 Aug 2002 08:21:22 GMT Long-time readers will be aware that for the past two months, some of us have been stalked by ice cream trucks playing some sort of mutant tune through loudspeakers, some alien form of music which is unrecognizable as anything in particular except THE MOST ANNOYING SOUND IN THE WORLD. At the moment, Boston's in the middle of a heat wave, so the ice cream truck hasn't been coming 'round much lately, but it still shows up every few days. Well, today I may have cracked the case. I was watching TV late at night. Cable feed "A" was showing a rerun of Conan O'Brien's show from last week. Oddly, something had happened to this episode between last week and tonight -- the show's music sounded fine, and I could hear the audience just fine, but Conan was almost inaudible. (Max too.) Somehow NBC has invented a technology to digitally remove all the talking from talk show reruns so that we can just listen to: "HAHAHAHAHAHA (long pause) HEHHEH (long pause) WOOOOOOO!!! (music)" ...so, rather than watching the broken rerun, I switched to cable feed "B", which had "Tom & Jerry" cartoons from back when Hitler was alive. During one of the commercial breaks, there was an advertisement for one of those CDs of a hundred songs kids can sing in the car to make you deliberately ram the car into a telephone pole, and the fragments they played in the commercial had charming lyrics like "The eentsy-weentsy spider went up the waterspout..." and "The babies on the bus go WAAH WAAH WAAH, WAAH WAAH WAAH, WAAH WAAH WAAH!" (I guess they didn't want to have to pay royalties to the people who own the words "itsy-bitsy" and "wheels".) One of the snippets of annoying songs was one where I had never before heard the lyrics, but the tune was disturbingly familiar... ...the chorus was similar to "Loch Lomond" with mangled scansion, just like the ice-cream truck. While the kids were singing, the title "Down By The Station" scrolled up the screen. So I immediately switched the TV from the creepy songs back to Silent Conan and then ran to Google.com (it was a short trip) to do a search. And wouldn't you know it, my tax dollars paid the Federal government to help me identify this tune: [from http://www.niehs.nih.gov/kids/lyrics/station.htm] -> -> Down by the Station -> -> Written by: Lee Ricks and Slim Gaillard - (C) 1948 -> -> Down by the station -> Early in the morning -> See the little pufferbellies -> All in a row -> -> See the station master -> Turn the little handle -> Puff, puff, toot, toot -> Off we go! -> -> Down by the station -> Early in the morning -> See the little pufferbellies -> All in a row -> -> See the station master -> Turn the little handle -> Puff, puff, toot, toot -> Off we go! The Web page plays a shrill arrangement of the song in an eternal loop, just like the ice cream truck. It's a bit different -- the truck's tune lacks the mellow intro, and also has that odd "Coming 'Round The Mountain" part at the end -- but overall I'd say that this STUPID AND ANNOYING SONG is the primary inspiration for the ice cream truck's even ANNOYING AND STUPID SONG. The truck has more percussion and I think they replaced "Puff, puff, toot, toot" with "CLAP CLAP CLAP! TWEET TWEET TWEET!" or two other triplets of sonic irritation. And, of course, the truck yells "AYLO!!!" between repetitions of the song. (Odd, Conan has suddenly started saying "ik ik ik... ik ik... ik ik ik ik, ik ik ik... ik ik ik, ik ik." Apparently now NBC has decided to only transmit one phoneme to keep their costs down.) Next question: WHY do so many ice cream trucks play deformed versions of this already-rotten song about "little pufferbellies"? -- K. It would be a better song if they changed "little handle" to "steering wheel" and "station master" to "pirate". However, no song has ever been improved by "WAAH WAAH WAAH! WAAH WAAH WAAH! WAAH WAAH WAAH!" (And while I was finishing typing this, the power went out, ruining the tape I was making of Defective Conan so now I'll only be able to tie up the ice cream truck driver and make him watch half a tape of "ik ik ik ik ik". This is Kibo, signing off, somewhere in total darkness.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Annoying, annoying, ANNOYING ice cream truck update. Date: Wed, 21 Aug 2002 08:45:09 GMT I just wrote: > > I was watching TV late at night. Cable feed "A" was showing a rerun > of Conan O'Brien's show from last week. Oddly, something had happened > to this episode between last week and tonight -- the show's music > sounded fine, and I could hear the audience just fine, but Conan was > almost inaudible. (Max too.) Somehow NBC has invented a technology > to digitally remove all the talking from talk show reruns [...] Important correction: I couldn't hear Max because Max wasn't in tonight's rerun, he's on tour with Bruce Springsteen. Jimmy is the temporary bandleader. I wasn't paying enough attention to notice because (a) it was a rerun I had seen six days ago, (b) I was concentrating on my research into evil ice cream truck music, and (c) there wasn't anything to pay attention to because the show had been reduced to uncomfortable silences with a laugh track. -- K. Maybe they could combine this episode with "Resurrection of the Daleks" and get one show with a whole soundtrack. On the other hand, any of Conan's robots (the "Late Night" hospitality robot, the robot on the toilet, PimpBot 5000, and HunkBot) could destroy all the Daleks in the first thirty seconds. I guess the rest of the episode would be Peter Davison cooking bangers and mash for Conan. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo's +200-line posts Date: Thu, 22 Aug 2002 04:16:02 GMT E Teflon Piano (rgriffiths@ubmail.ubalt.edu) wrote: > > Gee, I wish *I* could cut and paste day-old news offa theregister.com. Gee, I wish *I* could complain that people understand the concept of quoting. Gee, I wish *I* could complain that people aren't posting news from the future. Also, what's "theregister.com"? -- K. Just out of curiosity, E, what *do* you like to read between trips to the special school for people who can't read past the first page? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I want more Date: Thu, 22 Aug 2002 04:28:41 GMT Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Dag Right-square-bracket-gren (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > > > So did you read up on the Holographic Principle yet? Because you > > should. It is my favouritest new theory ever, so EVERYBODY needs > > to know about it. > > It pains me to think about it, because it was one of the many elements > in the massive, newsgroup-wide flamewar on sci.physics.research that I > spent the entire summer of 2001 trying unsuccessfully to squelch. > > It was very difficult to inhibit because all the people in both warring > camps, as non-crackpot scientists with generally good posting > histories, had a deeply ingrained sense of entitlement to post to the > newsgroup. Worse, every time someone managed to slip in a dig at > somebody else's professional ethics or competence (usually buried in > the tenth or twentieth paragraph of an otherwise impersonal article > written in dense technical jargon, where the moderators were unlikely > to catch it), the person attacked would immediately feel a moral right > and duty to respond in kind no matter what the charter said about this > kind of mudslinging, and would accuse the moderators of siding with the > other guy if this was not allowed. > > It took a massive terrorist attack on the World Trade Center and > Pentagon to get people to stop caring enough about the stupid flamewar > that it burned out. Dear FBI, Please see the above message where Dr. Matt McIrvin admits he blew up the World Trade Center just to impress sci.physics.research. I think he did it with magnets. Please forward this to the White House because I don't know if they're connected to the Internet. Does the President have AOL yet? Also, you should take a good look at the article in the other window, the one over on the right in my Microsoft -------------------------------------> Thank you, and if not, I expect a refund for my taxes for the period during which I was typing this, plus fifty cents for each rejected sci.physics.research article I wrote about my "light is made out of water" theory, which Einstein never disproved. Since early, Kibo (Your pal who notices things!) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Worst place for a pizza lover to live? Date: Thu, 22 Aug 2002 04:52:49 GMT Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Newport News, Virginia, USA. Okay, I'm adding Newport News to the list of places I want to live someday, unless they have an excess of some other cheese-based food. I'll take them off the list if you say have no pizzas but sprinkle grated parm and/or poutine all over other good foods, such as garlic bread, steak, Count Chocula, bubble tea, and Twizzlers. So, what is with these people who put cheese on garlic bread? It's not called "garlic and cheese bread", you bozos! And stop with the paprika! It would be just as easy and cheap for you to sprinkle on something red that HAS flavor and isn't cheese! -- K. The West Edmonton Mall is still the #1 spot on my list, even though all of their KFCs have poutine. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Worst place for a pizza lover to live? Date: Thu, 22 Aug 2002 07:29:48 GMT Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, I'm adding Newport News to the list of places I want to live > > someday, unless they have an excess of some other cheese-based food. > > So why is it, exactly, that you dislike cheese so intensely that you > would actually consider living in the West Edmunton Mall? Have you > always disliked cheese, or is this an adult-type thing? WEST EDMONTON MALL CHEESE ----------------------------------- --------------------------------------- penguins no penguins submarines no submarines mini-golf no mini-golf full-size golf (driving range) no golf (not even a driving range) casino no casino 10,000-person capacity wave pool no waves in no pool indoor bungee jumping no indoor bungee jumping world's tallest coaster (formerly) not even a tiny one fantasy sex hotel no fantasy, no sex, no hotel world's largest parking lot world's worst taste regulation NHL hockey rink wholly unregulated dolphin show cheese not certified dolphin-safe