Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Protecting our physics department. Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 01:08:01 GMT Followup-To: sci.physics.fetish.foot.with.bacon In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Im 8 foot and can pop yor brains out like a zit. But, "tj", you were also 8 feet last time you told us how tall you were. Why have you suddenly stopped growing? Have you started smoking 30,000 cigarettes a day? > Mike tyson shuts the fuck up when Im around. > I can smash a keg on my forhead . My wieght set is a buick . I picked > up Paul Bunions anker. You need to put on your reading glasses before looking at the little classified ads in the back of "Foot Fetish Weekly". Please stop fondling Paul Bunion's ankle, the ad clearly said "Paul Anka's bunion". > And I'm going down to chow , the 100 pound cook lady Sandy is going to > kick my ass if I dont urry up , its ready and the spec is crabs and > water chessnut stew with bacon . My weak spot It's not nice of you to tell us that Sandy weighs a hundred pounds unless you tell us how tall she is. If she's only two feet tall, you're calling her fat, but if she's sixteen feet tall, she's probably super-skinny, like three core samples taken from Calista Flockhart and laid end-to-end. So please stop insulting Sandy by not telling us how fat she is or isn't. -- K. I tried to imagine a conversation between you and Mike Tyson, but I couldn't think of two different ways to misspell "DUH". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Protecting our physics department. Date: Thu, 29 Aug 2002 05:30:29 GMT Followup-To: sci.things.with.lots.of.numbers.but.no.physics In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > I was 18 when I kicked BruceLee . I was shorter and still noaney , it > was fun an just because evryone in HK looked up at me . > It wasn't trick photo , Im that tall ,,,but light dont realy bother me > LOL . I was 7 foot 230 . > now 8 , 460 and run 5 a day at 44. > I run the mile in 4 m 36 s . And I pack a big 44 350 gr 14 inch. If I > dont like ya I tell ya Could you please draw me a diagram of your body? Be sure to indicate your height in both feet and kilometers, and draw a Plimsoll line to show sea level, and demonstrate how many copies of the Mall Of America would fit inside your body. Also, does your body have a food court? -- K. In any case, I'm sorry to hear you have no aney. It's heinous that you have no aney on your anus or heinie! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Varney piss and miss physics Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 01:18:58 GMT Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.pllutonium.with.one.l In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > 1 , collorodo has one L . > 2 ,, you cant find page on project you worked on ,,,I posted the page . > 3 . Michal wers a dress . > 4 ,,,te bolder physics dep has a buzzer > 5 ,,your stupid. > 6 ,,,yer ugly too. > 7 ,,it was raining in bolder, where you was complaining the heat. 68 ! > Dirks pc will explode ! UK police will aul dirk to his death for > treason . > Bin Laden was blown to bits. > You are emis ! You never fooled me ! haris. > haris ,,,the real antrax killer. > And dirk ,,,went off te deap end ? > I read your local news. Dirk ! found yur room on 9/11 ! I can't argue with that. Your theory must be true because the physics department at a college has a buzzer. Here's another tidbit that supports your theory: "tomatol" has one "l". Q.E.D.L.!!! There! I just proved your theory without even knowing what it is, which means I'm smarter than you, because I didn't even have to think about or discover the theory before I proved it! You did it the hard way, you bozo! And "bozo" has no "l"s, but that doesn't mean I'm wrongl. -- K. Confidential to Stephen Lea Sheppard: He's on to you! You shouldn't have left that "L" lying around in your name. Police have been alerted to look for a guy with a plastic axe through his head, after Count Floyd helped them come up with a composite sketch... IN THREE-DEE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Varney piss and miss physics Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 06:01:30 GMT Stephenls (stephenls@shaw.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Confidential to Stephen Lea Sheppard: > > He's on to you! [...] Police have been alerted to look for a guy > > with a plastic axe through his head, after Count Floyd helped them > > come up with a composite sketch... IN THREE-DEE! > > I'm lucky that it was a knife and not an axe, then. Oh, whatever. But an axe would have made that episode funnier and then the show wouldn't have been cancelled before TV Guide got around to telling everyone that it was a great show. It's all your fault for not having a bigger head injury! Or maybe it was that speech you gave about the dangers of accepting Halloween candy from hippies. (TV networks are all run by hippies.) In any case, I still think that you're a highly suspicious character and I'm sure you'll get wanded at airports as many times as I have, even though we've both shortened our hair to a length that makes us look like we're trying really hard not to look suspicious. (I had a new passport photo taken today, and it makes me look more like a terrorist than I do in real life.) So, if your show hadn't gotten cancelled way too soon, what would the next ten episodes have been about? Please write them for me now. -- K. Also, although you were your show's 100% accurate portrayal of Young Kibo, who was your show's Fonzie, who was your show's Wesley, and who was your show's Gazoo? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I hope no one gave me the keys to the death ray Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 02:08:05 GMT Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > But we saw the new release of "Metropolis" yesterday at the Brattle in > Cambridge. I give this version forty-three thumbs up because it has a > new soundtrack of the original orchestral score, which is lovely and > actually goes with the movie and contains no Pat Benatar anywhere; and > because they put in new cards to describe the pieces that have been > completely lost, which meant that I could actually follow the story to > an extent that I was not able to before. > > So today, after touring the new I-93 tunnel along with 50,000,000 other > people who decided a highway tunnel would be a cool thing to see, I had > a momentary desire to look back dramatically at the people streaming > into the tunnel entrance and collapse in goggle-eyed horror whilst > screaming "MOLOCH!" in a super-cool animated title card, but the desire > passed. Of the 600,000 people (according to one local newscast) who were there, hopefully the two of us were not the only two who resisted the urge to buy the $15 Big Dig brand t-shirts commemorating that we waited in line most of an hour to walk through a tunnel containing no cars but lots of propaganda signs about how incredibly awesome the tunnel was. IT HAS THE WORLD'S LARGEST VENTILATION SYSTEM!!! (You know, as opposed to those surface highways that have absolutely no ventilation.) IT HAS CREATED HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN JOBS!!! (As opposed to costing the taxpayers anything, it CREATES money. It's not really an underground highway, it's a gold mine!) I'd also like to point out that Kino International's new restoration of "Metropolis" (now touring the country) is a really lovely restoration, possibly looking as good as it did in 1927, as opposed to all those DVDs and VHS cassettes where the movie has half of it missing, has been repeatedly Xeroxed, scratched up with sandpaper, slathered with Vaseline, and then projected onto an opaque sheet of cardboard from behind and rephotographed through a Connectix QuickCam centered on the upper-left corner of the picture. I have three different cheap cassettes of the beat-up old public domain version -- one has a needle-drop on a random ragtime record, played repeatedly, as the score, another has no sound at all, and the third has this soundtrack: "BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" And, of course, all claim to be 112 or 120 minutes despite that they had seventy-five years to figure out that there hadn't been that much footage in "Metropolis" since its premiere. The new version contains considerably more footage than any other, and there are title cards describing the few chunks that are still missing (mostly intrigue involving the Thin Man and 11811 and Josaphat, and that scene where the delirious Freder thinks the Thin Man is the monk) and the picture is crystal-clear and all the title cards are actually legible and there's music that was actually composed to match the movie and, I give it FORTY-FOUR thumbs up because I am not the sourpuss that Matt is. Once you've seen "Metropolis", most of the science fiction films made during the following seventy-five years will seem uninspired. Unless you count the ones that were inspired by "Metropolis", but that's cheating. My favorite bit of futurism in "Metropolis" is when Fredersen checks his stock prices on a wall display where trades are scrolling along these strips of glowing letters -- it's amazing that they guessed the look of the NASDAQ building in Time Square so precisely, given that there were no digital readouts, computers, or transistors in 1927. And for the city of the future, they had forests of skyscrapers with enormous traffic jams between them, and lots of on-ramps and overpasses bumper-to-bumper with automobiles -- quite an accurate prediction when you consider than everyone else in the period was predicting that cars would be replaced by fleets of zeppelins. And, of course, the female robot just might be one of the best-looking robot costumes ever put on film (the other being Robby in "Forbidden Planet") even though "Metropolis" was the _first_ film I know to have a robot. (I'm not counting "Der Golem".) Of course, the point of a science fiction film is not to see whether or not the incidental details of the setting come true, or whether the robot doesn't look fake, but to see it for the plot, characters, and action, with the visuals being an important element but not the only important one. While "Metropolis" suffers from the same faults as other silent epics -- to modern viewers it may seem a little slow and super-serious -- as silent films go, it's got an unusually complex plot, some big action scenes, and most amazingly, some really freaky hallucination scenes which I am astonished could have been accomplished with the technology of the day. I highly recommend Kino's restoration of "Metropolis", and suggest you avoid those four-dollar DVDs of the Vaseline-and-sandpaper fragmentary version. Showtimes are listed here: http://www.kino.com/metropolis ^ | note that this is not a "b" -- K. The big question is, will Forrest Ackerman or Hajime Sorayama have the biggest orgasm when they see the new version? And will they get to see it before that damn woman in the Apple t-shirt smashes the screen with a sledgehammer? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Metropolis (Was: I hope no one gave me the keys to the death ray) Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 05:32:06 GMT Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'd also like to point out that Kino International's new restoration of > > "Metropolis" (now touring the country) is a really lovely restoration, > > possibly looking as good as it did in 1927, > > Kino is simply the best. As for "Metropolis" looking as good as it did > in 1927, I would say there is a chance it looks better. Some serious > discussions on alt.movies.silent (who I am crossposting this to) have led > me to believe in 1927, films may have looked really crappy. Bad > projectors and such. Plus the whole world was black and white anyways. I _wanted_ to say "possibly better than it looked in 1927" due to the near-elimination of sprocket weave and scratches (there's still a scratch or two) but I didn't want to go out on a limb and look like a bozo in case I turned out to be stupid for not travelling back in time to 1927 to verify my claim with my own eyes. So I played it safe, which resulted in you agreeing with me anyway, which is a win-win situation! Yay for win-win! Yay for those people having sucky projectors back in 1927 to make us happy right now! Kino does some great stuff regarding silent sci-fi/horror film restorations. I have their DVD of "Aelita, Queen Of Mars" (1924) which is a rather dull film until they get to Soviet Constructivist Mars, possibly the strangest production design ever used in science fiction. Kino has an upcoming boxed set of restorations of "The Golem", "Cabinet of Dr. Caligari", "Nosferatu", and "Waxworks". However, the strangest silent sci-fi or horror film I've seen is sold by Criterion: "HŠxan: Witchcraft Throughout The Ages" (1929). I can't figure out precisely what the filmmaker's purpose was, except that possibly he was insane, or perhaps just the Danish version of William Castle. Or maybe he just enjoyed standing in front of people and pointing to pictures of devils with a stick and then making them watch psychotic movies. Criterion's disc of "HŠxan" also has one of the strangest disclaimers I've ever seen on a DVD package, basically assuring customers that it was the director's choice, and not the restorers' choice, to put "Kol Nidre" on the soundtrack (making it an anti-Semitic soundtrack, because they play it during a Satanist ritual.) They also threw in a later re-edit where the title cards were replaced by William S. Burroughs talking over jazz music. I wish Criterion would do more silent movies, they always go hog-wild with the value-added features on the disc (hey, I like the filler.) One more company with some good silent sci-fi/horror restorations: Image Entertainment sells a restoration of "The Lost World" (1925) which adds much of the lost footage, and they even have some seventy-five-year-old _bloopers_ from the animation sequences (someone's shadow ruins a dinosaur, etc.) The 1925 version of "The Lost World" has my all-time favorite dinosaur moment -- when the brontosaur is strolling along London Bridge with little cars going past it. They also sell the 1916 (!) version of "20,000 Leagues Under The Sea", where I always wonder how they avoided killing all the actors during the underwater scenes (Jacques Cousteau hadn't yet invented the SCUBA gear they were pretending to have, I think they were just clomping around the ocean bottom in sealed-up leather suits and hoping they didn't need much air.) Some of these movies play on Turner Classic Movies or American Movie Classics late at night one weekend a month during lunar eclipses in months with no "R" during leap years. > > The big question is, will Forrest Ackerman > > or Hajime Sorayama have the biggest > > orgasm when they see the new version? > > I think poor Forrest has passed on. I may be mistaken. He was alive last I saw him, right before his malady struck. I think he's being cared for in his overstuffed home. I hope his friends can get Kino to send him a screener tape of the new version of "Metropolis". He's a heck of a great guy, and I apologize for having seen a better edit of his favorite film than he has. (He's seen "Metropolis" about a hundred times.) As for Hajime Sorayama, I don't know if he's still alive. Maybe he's retired and living in sin with a chrome-plated blowup doll. Unless she ran off with Stanislaw Fernandes. Oh, I found his Web site (www.sorayama.net.) He designed that silly Sony robotic dog ("AIBO") in 1999. He's definitely still alive. I hope he got paid plenty for selling Aerosmith one of his paintings for an album cover last year. -- K. I don't think I've seen anything a hundred times, except for that annoying commercial for Vehix.com... ...this week. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I hope no one gave me the keys to the death ray Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 05:49:12 GMT Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [re "Metropolis"] > > > > The new version contains considerably more footage than any other, > > and there are title cards describing the few chunks that are still > > missing (mostly intrigue involving the Thin Man and 11811 and Josaphat, > > and that scene where the delirious Freder thinks the Thin Man is the monk) > > I think Freder hallucinated elaborate Biblical allegories every time he > stubbed his toe or ate a piece of toast. Because that toast was future > toast. So you're saying that if I buy one of those Hello Kitty toasters that burns a cat's face into each slice of toast, I still won't be hallucinating unless it's a future toaster? And how would it be possible to buy a future toaster given that future toasters never exist in the present? WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE INVENT A TIME MACHINE SO I CAN HAVE DIFFERENT TOAST? -- K. And what would be the future version of those mini-pizzas that change from red to green? Pizzas that change the colors of the hallucinations you get from the future toast or other parts of your complete breakfast? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW:"Streetlight" dance/party light Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 02:25:22 GMT Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > "Half-a-buck Dharma" (eagle@agora.rdrop.com) wrote: > > > > Personally I was unhappy when the star-studded big-money Match Game > > quit sticking the year on the end of the title. There was a "Match > > Game 79" but no "Match Game 80". Closure denied! > > Cheer up. They weren't *really* trying to torture you, they were just > goin' along with the whole syndication racket. (The daytime Match > Game stopped being a network show and became a syndicated show in > 1979, and it's for syndication that they dropped the year.) Then how do you explain that there was a "Match Game PM" but not "Match Game AM"? Also, is midnight AM or PM, and was that controversy the only reason they didn't show a midnight edition of "Match Game" where Brett Somers and Charles Nelson Reilly could get twice as dirty? ("I said 'DOUBLE wee-wee!'") And why was there no "Match Game BC" where a bunch of cavemen would sit around quoting the New Testament before it even happened? Just think of the fun Gene Rayburn could have had with Fat Broad, unless his recessed forehead and thick supra-orbital ridges meant he wasn't evolved enough for her. I figured out why he had that really long microphone: It's hard to hold the smaller ones when you don't yet have an opposable thumb. -- K. I like Gene Rayburn, it's just that he was holding the door when everyone else touched the monolith. Proof: I've gone through the whole film "2001" frame-by-frame and Gene Rayburn is NOT in it! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Those Little Chunks of Quorn Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 02:53:24 GMT Simon (webmaster@thequorndon.com) wrote: > > Zixia (abuse@clu.org.uk) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > For those of you who want to live in a huge mass of Quorn, there's > > > a British town named Quorn, which is short for Quorndon, in > > > Leicestershire. > > > > Hey, I'm sure it's not that bad a place to li... Oh wait, you > > corrected the typo. > > > > Dammit. > > I live in Quorn (Quorndon), and its not smelly at all!, take a look at > http://www.thequorndon.com for proof! > > Simon. You know, if my reaction to any mentions of my home town were to be to blurt out "IT'S NOT SMELLY AT ALL!", I don't think it would be too long before people got suspicious. "So, Kibo, I hear you're from Schenectady, and--" "IT'S NOT SMELLY AT ALL!" "Yes, but I wanted to ask about--" "IT'S NOT SMELLY AT ALL! IT'S NOT SMELLY AT ALL! LALALALA I AM NOT LISTENING TO YOU! HERE, HAVE THIS CHAMBER OF COMMERCE PAMPHLET: 'SCHENECTADY DOESN'T STINK AS BAD AS YOU THINK!'" I will likely never develop that reaction, because fortunately there aren't any mold-based food nuggets named after Schenectady... yet. Also, your Web site still has scary seventies-style biform letters all over it. That's why I keep confusing it with mine. I think the way I'll be able to remember the difference is that your Web site is full of recipes for Quorn, and mine mentions a few other things people shouldn't eat. Also, my Web site is unintentionally old and moldy, while yours just advertises Quorn, which is MEANT to be moldy. -- K. There was one year in biology class when they decided that words like "mold" and "fungi" were politically incorrect and we should call them "decomposers" instead. I think Quorn (the mold-based food substitute, not the town which isn't smelly at all) should market itself as a "decomposer" because the word works great in advertising slogans: "Mmm! Delicious decomposer, Mom!" and then someone would say "What's a decomposer?" and then a coffin would open up and we'd see the rotting corpse of Beethoven frantically erasing all of his sheet music. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: "Altered States": Kibological? (Spoilers) Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 03:12:01 GMT Sean (linwood@mailandnews.com) wrote: > > I recently discovered that my local library had "Altered States" on > DVD, so I checked it out. I've seen this movie twice in a theater near > me, once on cable and once on video, so you might get the idea it's a > favorite of mine. Well, yeeeah and no. I kind of liked the plot > development, at least up to a point; I kind of liked the weird-science > theory, at least up to a point; I liked the Boston setting. Oh, all > right, I also liked seeing Blair Brown nOOd. The screenplay states that the moment he turns into a caveman (in the basement of Mass. General Hospital), he heads directly for Roxbury, because it's a black neighborhood. This highlighting of the racist subtext is right there in the script so that the actors would know the caveman's motivation for winding up at the Franklin Park Zoo. I don't know if the racism was put into the script before or after Paddy Chayefsky took his real pseudonym off it. (He's credited as "Sidney Aaron".) I would assume it's Ken Russell's fault, as he's clearly insane. I mean, he made "Lisztomania". I don't know how "Tommy" came out so good. And yes, when I was in college, I killed time between classes by going to the library and reading the shooting scripts for movies I didn't even like. (Emerson College had a good collection, although I freely admit I started with their sitcom scripts and that one week of "Fantasy" transcripts. "Fantasy" was this schlocky knockoff of "Queen For A Day" -- an early "reality" show where the average plot is "This kid's dying of cancer, so let's let David Hasselhoff drive him around the backlot in mockup of KITT" -- and I was astounded that not only did someone get paid to write transcripts of this daytime filler, but also that a real college bought a set. Also, they let me keep any magazines Lyndon LaRouche donated.) -- K. I see Ken Russell also directed a 1995 TV-movie called "Alice In Russialand" -- if you folks can assure me it's bad political satire made forty years too late, I'm going to run out and find a copy. Unless it's also one of those Ken Russell films that has Roger Daltrey running around in a saggy diaper, riding on a giant flying dildo, or meeting Hitler. Especially if it's the deadly Daltrey- Diaper-Dildo-Hitler combination. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New Knight Rider Game Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 03:34:58 GMT Brian 'Jarai' Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > I never figured that /this/ would happen: > -> > -> http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/2207229.stm > -> > -> KNIGHT RIDER RIDES AGAIN > -> Wednesday, 21 August, 2002, 09:47 GMT 10:47 UK > -> > -> If you are a fan of David Hasselhoff, then a new game based on the > -> Knight Rider television series could be just for you. > -> > -> A game version of the cult 1980s show reunites the character played > -> by Mr Hasselhoff, Michael Knight, with the technologically advanced > -> crime-fighting car, Kitt. You never figured it would happen? I figured it HAD to happen. After all, they're making a new "Battlestar Galactica" and a new "Time Tunnel" and of course a "Knight Rider" movie. Gerry Anderson wants to do a "Captain Scarlet And The Mysterons" movie. There's a "Hong Kong Phooey" movie in the works. Yes, really. Variety reported that Brett Ratner will be directing it in live-action with, of course, computer-animated 3-D versions of crappy old unfunny Hanna-Barbera characters. So with the entertainment industry being this completely bankrupt of any new ideas, and with the businesses of the world loving licensing these lame revivals of old ideas, I would be very surprised if there WASN'T a "Knight Rider" video game, not to mention a "Hong Kong Phooey" first-person shooter and a "Battlestar Galactica" 7-Eleven Slurpee flavor and a complete line of "Captain Scarlet And The Mysterons" hair-care products. Sooner or later you, too, will wear "seaQuest DSV" underwear. Also, you know how they made the dumb movie "Stargate" into a TV series that just won't go away? They're now making a theatrical film based on the TV show based on the film. I figure that one will turn into a video game AND a casino. Perhaps they'll team up with Pixar and call the "Stargate: The Series: The Movie" casino "Luxor Jr.", unless the "Battlestar Galactica" revival people already called dibs on that name. And didja hear? "Baywatch: The Movie". I could not be making that up. -- K. "Baywatch: The Movie" is scheduled to begin filming in Hawaii on September 9th. If terrorists blow up the island two days later, maybe people will wise up to the dangers of reviving Hasselhoff shows. Fortunately, he can protect himself from bad people by only wearing old-fashioned wristwatches, because we know from his movie "Light Blast" that lasers can only blow up digital watches. Plus he could wear his "energy shield mask" from "Star Crash". And KITT could electrocute any terrorists hiding behind James Doohan. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: a post to annoy those sick of hearing about my cat Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 03:45:09 GMT Conmidhe (conmidhe@geek.com) wrote: > > [regarding Gift Cat] > > In the event that I get tired of being a cat servant and mail the > G-Cat to one of you, you should be aware that if you are having > chicken for lunch and dont offer her as much as she cares to eat > before eating yourself, she will claw the hell outa your leg and when > you reach down to rub your leg she will claw the hell outa your hand. > This was Kroger's Deli chicken, there is no imperical evidence to date > as to whether this effect can be expected from chicken in general or > only from Kroger's Deli Chicken. One theory is that Kroger's Deli food > is remarkably similar to cat food thereby confusing the cat into > thinking you are bogarting her food. > > Also, this was the Spicy Chicken Tenders which I dipped in my > home-made habanero-bbq sauce, so my earlier theory that the G-Cat > likes chili pepper as much as I do seems to be valid. If I had a cat, I would get one that likes durians as much as I do. Then I'd just have to paste little starbursts saying "NOW WITH DURIANS!" on every TV dinner I buy and the cat would leave them alone. Unless the starburst grossed me out enough that I lost my appetite. Also, why can't someone invent a cat who likes cheap canned cat food that doesn't smell like rotting garbage? -- K. Goats are better pets because they eat anything. Also, goats are worse pets because they eat everything. Don't buy a goat unless you live in Massachusetts, where you can't throw out anything. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: a post to annoy those sick of hearing about my cat Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 04:01:12 GMT Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Jeremy Impson (jdimpson@acm.org) wrote: > > > > Keep onion-laden suaces away from kitty. > > The preceding statement is true. Well except for the misspelling of > "sauces." A typo doesn't make it false. It only makes it flase. This puts it in the company of "tj Frazir"'s science theories, especially the ones about words that have one "l". Fortunately, science is not a game of Master Mind, so it doesn't matter whether the "l" is in the right place or not, and everyone gets a black peg no matter where their "l" is. > Onion causes a disorder in cats called "Heinz body anemia" which can > be deadly, so my cat group used to say. > > I don't think it has anything to do with ketchup. Or catsup. Speaking of poisonous Heinz products... Heinz's blue french fries ("Funky Fries") seem to be bombing, the quantities in the supermarkets are way down from their gala introduction. I suppose some of that is to be expected, but I can tell the fries are only barely hanging on. Moms everywhere must be bursting into tears when they can't get their kids to eat their french fries. I haven't looked for the pink or blue squeeze margarine lately, so I don't know how it's doing. I can, however, affirm that I haven't looked for it lately. However, I did just see a TV commercial for one of those non-nutritious box lunch kits for kids (the kind where they promise the kid that Mom only loves him if she buys him a box containing a cold, stale dough puck with a packet of liquid pizza cheez topping) which featured a little two-inch-wide pizza which came with a blue plastic stick which, when rubbed on the pizza, causes the sauce to turn from red to spinach green. In other words, it incorporates both the artificial red and artificial spinach green colors of Heinz's ketchup, but at different times, sort of like the B-Z reaction only without the pretty spirals. I predict this means we'll soon see french fries that change colors constantly, and have flickery haloes around them, while they make "MWOWM MWOWM MWOWM MWOWM" noises. You know, the sound that means something's glowing. It's not to be confused with the little violin noises that mean killer plants are growing up your pants leg, but I'm sure they'll eventually have fries like that, too. -- K. Oh, and the secret of those "changing" Kool-Aid flavors that turn from white powder into brightly-colored sugar water? Titanium. If you were a robot, it would help build strong bodies. In humans, it just builds white bodies. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ha ha, guess who got to go to legoland? Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 04:23:38 GMT "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > [...] this post is all about making kibo jealous. > > ... so anyways, I found out some friends of mine > were going to legoland and got jealous myself, so > I made hasty arrangement to fly to san diego and > bus-train-bus up to carlsbad, [...] > > some members of our tour group decided they needed > to stand in line for 30 minutes for a ten-second > ride, so our party split up for a while and I got > to go sit near the giant mecha-einstein and the > tyranosaurus that burps. I'd pay to sit near them, if you mean that Robostein and Burposaurus are having an ultra-violent fight because the Burposaurus has been burping fish stick vapor in Robostein's face, making his hair smell as weird as it looks. But if you mean they're just posed so it looks like they're dancing or something, then I'd only pay to sit near them if I got to squirt water at them. > there was also a chia lego bison at some point. > two great concepts combined in animal form! When you say "animal form", do you mean that it was not made out of ordinary Legos but a stack of bonsai Animal 57s? After all, they are brick-shaped, and they're certainly cheaper than Legos. Plus they're slightly easier to chew. > we also saw a short movie that blew wind at us > and fired party streamers from the ceiling. it > was hard for me to focus on the action, because > it was in 4D! however, there seemed to be this > racecar driver who may or may not have had a cleft > chin (I don't remember) who also had to defeat > darth vader in a big race, for reasons involving > sidney greenstreet. oh, and mechagnomes tried to > steal car parts. I'm losing the plot -- did you meet Four-Dimensional Darth Vader before or after you got to Legoland? Today I went to the Department Of State AND the Registry Of Motor Vehicles, and either I got eaten by Burpostein Einosaurus or else it was a big waste of time and I never got anything accomplished in either place, I can't remember. I wish there had been a Darth Vader in the State Department office instead of Burpostein. > we then went to a place where you squirt water at > hippos made of legos, or play dance dance lego > revolution with lego musical instruments that > fired water while playing music. also, you can > stand on a fountain and be squirted. there seemed > to be a common theme to this section of the park. > I think it was called "humiliation land". Isn't that a Japanese game show, and doesn't it involve lots of Ping-Pong paddles with metal studs? The only episode I've seen is the one with Debbie Harry and the clay wall, but I think that was a special episode because they did it from Pittsburgh. No, wait, that was the movie "Videodrome". The stuff I've seen has Burpostein wearing a Darth Vader mask. Unless I'm just imagining it, but it would be pretty pointless to do that, so I will assume it's all wonderfully real. > [...] > there was also an entire lego rainforest and an > egyptian temple or tomb, also made of legos. and > an ice cave. the object of this adventure was to > find all the keys and solve the lego mystery. Was the mystery something like "HELP! WE ARE LOCKED IN THIS THEME PARK MADE OF PLASTIC!"? -- K. I've been to the super-wimpy Legoland at the Mall Of America. It's pretty much just a card table with three blocks dropped on it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ha ha, guess who got to go to legoland? Date: Thu, 29 Aug 2002 05:10:41 GMT Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > But if you mean they're just posed so it looks like they're dancing > > or something, then I'd only pay to sit near them if I got to squirt > > water at them. > > But but what if you could squirt water at the mouth of a clown made of > Legos and out of his head would come an expanding balloon made of > Legos until it popped with a big loud sound made of Legos??!?!?!? That would be fun. But only the kind of fun made out of Legos, not the kind of fun made out of funeutrinos, the REAL elementary building blocks of fun. Funeutrinos are held together by meringue, and they're really tiny, and if you don't believe me that funeutrinos are the tiniest things ever, go to the supermarket and ask the bag boy to show you the "fun size" candy bars. Of course, if you had enough funeutrinos, you could make big fun, perhaps an elephant that can play Scrabble with his trunk, or possibly an elephant that had a button that could blow up Legoland. -- K. Also, for those ceramic clowns, they should only use pink balloons with brain texture printed on them. Next time I'm at the carny supply store, I'm going to ask, "What's the part number for brain balloons?"