Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dumb subway news. Date: Sun, 22 Sep 2002 02:45:32 GMT David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I will have to try $2, $3, and $4 bills next time, although I don't > > think they've ever minted the most useful one of those. > > I don't think they've ever 'minted' any of them, regardless of the nuance > (Mmmmm, cinnamon-chocolate-minty fresh money!). But I'm curious of which of > the other two you consider "most useful" and why... This is just plain wrong. I'm not supposed to be able to troll you without mentioning something about Subway's New Reverse Cut. Anyway, what I was thinking was that the $4 would be really useful because you could combine it with a $-1 bill to get a $3. -- K. Also, Subway's New Reverse Cut is bad, even if it does reduce the sandwich into a finite number of microscopic pieces which can then be reassembled into a double-size sandwich. It doesn't hurt the black olives much to fuzz them down to clusters of particles, but the lettuce just turns to a cloud of green gas and floats up your nose. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dumb subway news. Date: Sun, 22 Sep 2002 03:29:54 GMT Jonathan Benney (jdb@student.unimelb.edu.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [regarding an insane bus driver I once encountered] > > [...] the driver sees invisible green fires on that corner. > > That reminds me of the time I went from Sydney to Brisbane on the > overnight train and the guy I was sitting next to, like me, didn't sleep > all night. Rather he spent about five hours staring into the middle > distance, very slowly eating a cold hamburger. > > It was just getting light and we were just about to reach the suburbs of > Brisbane. We were travelling through some completely empty fields. He > suddenly yelled "LOOK! LOOK AT THE PURPLE TABLES! THEY MUST BE FOR > LOGGING!" and then went back to reading the Australian equivalent of a > Chick tract. Maybe he meant there were pictures of purple tables in his generic disposable religious propaganda comic book. Either that or he had a secret electrode implanted in his brain that was allowing him to surf the Web while staring off into space and he saw a site that had lots of purple tables that crashed the browser in his brain. > To lighten the mood, let me conclude with the brilliant poem written by > the Taipei Rapid Transit Corporation and displayed at every train station. > I'll try and get the indentation right. > > W h e n t a k i n g o n a n e s c a l a t o r r i d e... > Hold handrail, stand on flight, > steadily to the right. > Take care of elders. > > With All Our Hearts... > We Concern... It's not as witty as the signs they've been putting up in Boston to tell you that you might get hit by cars if you walk in front of cars. They have slogans with puns plus a ped, and there are many variants, and they keep changing the big one in front of the FleetCenter (usually involving a sports-related pun-like non-sexual double entendre.) At the moment I think it says "DON'T GET TAPED UP BEFORE THE GAME" and then there's a blocky ambulance that's presumably just run over the ped. Of course, AFTER the game it's okay to get killed. Other signs at FleetCenter have said "RUN INTO TRAFFIC AND RECEIVE A FREE THROW" and "DON'T TAKE A GAME-ENDING SHOT". (Yeah, I know those aren't puns, I just mean that the people who write safety witticisms probably think those are puns.) Given that most of the people getting hit by cars there are probably people who got really drunk at hockey games, a clever brain-twisting printed slogan (facing away from the FleetCenter, no less) is probably not going to work well on sloshed fans. Besides, I think it's more likely that you might get killed inside the FleetCenter. Marty McSorley no longer plays for the Bruins, so he's probably roaming through the stands selling cotton candy, which is wrapped around some sort of blunt instrument so he can break your skull with it. The ads are called "Walk This Way" and are intended to get pedestrians to cease jaywalking, because it really annoys drivers when they have to stop just because they ran over someone. (In Boston, the drivers usually speed up when a pedestrian is in front of them, to communicate "HEY YOU, GET OUT OF MY WAY BECAUSE I'M HINTING THAT I DON'T SEE YOU!") There's a companion TV commercial where they play Aerosmith's song "Walk This Way", as if people are going to change their habits because they heard an overplayed rock song one extra time. From the Boston Globe: -> ''Feeling run down?'' says one sign to be placed at the city's 12 most -> dangerous intersections. ''You will if you cross this intersection at the -> wrong time, buster.'' -> -> Another shows a license plate and reads, ''Cross this street at the wrong -> time and get a free tattoo.'' -> -> Another sign that workers placed by the Park Street MBTA station on Tremont -> Street reads, ''Think of the raw power! Stop a dozen massive, speeding -> vehicles with a single touch,'' urging pedestrians to use the ''Walk'' -> signal button nearby. And another: ''You don't come with an airbag. Press -> the button.'' -> -> Some signs are site-specific: a baseball theme is planned for the area -> around Fenway Park, and a sign near the Berklee School of Music employs the -> symbol used on sheet music that tells musicians to wait for the conductor -> before playing. ''Wait for the signal,'' the sign says. -> -> The creative signs are part of the mayor's ''Walk This Way'' education -> campaign, with permission from the rock group Aerosmith to use its hit song -> title. The goal is to urge pedestrians to push buttons for the ''Walk'' -> signal and to use crosswalks. Maybe it would help if they hooked up all the fake buttons that have never been connected to the traffic signals in any way? I know that some cities really do use the buttons at some times of day at some intersections, but Boston's not one of them. This is because if the city actually tried to give people a safe way to cross the street, it would put all those slogan-writers out of business. My theory is that the fake buttons on every streetcorner are just there so that they can collect the fingerprints of all the dangerous free-thinkers who don't have cars. -- K. And don't you hate it when they forget to put that symbol on sheet music and the orchestra doesn't know they shouldn't start whenever they feel like it and the concert's over before tickets go on sale? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dumb subway news. Date: Sun, 22 Sep 2002 02:53:06 GMT Dag Right-square-bracket-gren (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I rode a #34E bus, which is like the #34 bus except it goes further > > because it's an Express bus, but this was also an Express Limited > > variant, meaning it could only stop when people wanted to get on, > > not when they wanted to get off. So, as the drivers explained, > > for most of the route you could only get off if someone else got on, > > a bizarre scheme which, if carried to its logical conclusion, would > > result in the entire population of Boston being trapped inside a > > bus driving through a desolate landscape where there are no people > > left who want to get on. > > Stop trolling, Kibo. I refuse to believe in a system of public transport > that requires you to use game theory to use efficiently. With this > scheme, you'd have to calculate expected values for your distance-from- > destination and travelling time (factoring in trips back along the same > path). And you'd have to use these to figure out if you should get off too > early, should the bus actually stop. Moreover, all the probabilities > involved would be initially unknown, and strongly time-dependent. Actually, the probability of any MBTA bus is pretty much unknown, because on certain days half of the buses vanish into a parallel dimension where they can't be seen, smelled, or ridden. I think they do this so that they can claim that only half of them are arriving late. If you don't believe me, try riding the #66 or #8 on Sunday. The schedule is something like this: Weekdays and Saturdays, every 10 minutes. Sundays, every hour, except that the average wait time is close to two hours because half of the buses fell off the edge of the Earth into a giant black hole filled with all the even-numbered buses from even-numbered routes. And don't get me started on why you have to pay full fare to ride #CT1 ("Crosstown Transit" with a special stripe on the bus) even though it comes less often than #1 and doesn't go as far and doesn't even run on as many days of the week. I like to think of it as the sucker bus, the one stupid tourists would ride if stupid tourists were willing to ride public buses. "Ha, ha! You just paid to ride half a bus! Half your fare is going to paying for the teal stripe!" -- K. The stripe is because of the standard iconography of color in graphic design: TEAL MEANS BAD. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Overheard at the Kibotorium Date: Sun, 22 Sep 2002 03:57:18 GMT David Pacheco (dpacheco@iname.com) wrote: > > I've adopted a child, by the way. A small, hungry child in some far- > off nation is being fed pressed algae biscuits and pork lips sundaes > because of my valuable daily contribution of less than the price of a > cup of coffee. How much can they really be getting for that amount of > money? According to the materials I've received, my 41 cents per day > are providing this child with three meals, drinkable water, shelter, > education, health coverage, braces, condoms, a luxury SUV, liposuction > and a visit to Disneyland. Every single day. Dear Mr. David, I am a very small child and you should discontinue support of that high-maintenance kid and sign a contract with me, because I only need to visit Disneyland a tenth as often and require no liposuction (possibly the two are related.) Will you buy me a satellite dish? Not for getting TV, I mean a real one. All the other kids make fun of me because I can't harass the astronauts on the International Space Station without a big microwave transmitter that could cook their dinners at inappropriate times! So, please send me 41 cents per day every five minutes. Thank you. -- K. Today I saw a TV commercial for a toy where the kids were assembling it in twenty-speed fast-motion and the corner of the screen said "FAST MOTION USED" for those stupid kids who thinks that toys give you god-like powers over time and space. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: INSTANT DVD REVIEW: UFO Date: Sun, 22 Sep 2002 04:14:09 GMT Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > I pointed out to Kibo that American Smartees are actually Fabrique > Au Canada, which throws a big wrench into the whole American vs. Canadian > Smartees debate, but this is beside the point. You should have seen the > look on his face. Genuine surprise. I think that was actually the look of citric acid burning the inside of my mouth because I got the one of the Smarties that accidentally contained all the flavor that was SUPPOSED to be in all the others they've made since 1962. For those who came in late: American Smarties are pure, unflavored sugar in pill form. Their colors are: White, off-white, and beige. Canadian Smarties are fake M&Ms. (Those are available everywhere except the United States, where we have real M&Ms and lame Smarties.) They come in brighter colors than real M&Ms. So, Tom, given that you had American Smarties that said "MADE IN CANADA" right on the tiny, crinky wrappers that accidentally come open before you want them to, does this mean that the other kind of Smarties are now made in some place like Des Moines and then very quickly sent to Every Place That's Un-American before anyone in Des Moines can notice? I only brought up the subject because you were wearing a shirt that had the word "CANADA" on it, and mine had two halves of a maple leaf printed on opposite shoulders, so somehow the idea of eating Canadian Smarties disguised as real American candy made the room feel just a little too Canadian. I worried that I was going to look out the window and see Mike Bullard's backdrop, or worse, a giant melted-looking "M" morphing back and forth into the puffy nonsense word "elb". -- K. If you turn into Harry Stinson, I'm going to run away. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Re' (N)HL logo design Kibological Jersey Names Givt Idea$ Date: Sun, 22 Sep 2002 05:38:57 GMT Eddie '/Hi There!'/ Lowther (edlohi@netscape.net) wrote: > > IF, and only if (iff) some nice NHL-League official > is saying to himslef "Wow! That there ARK guy just > did a year's worth of market-research on logos > for me for FREE!" and proceeds to HAW HAW, make > redundant a whole agency of graphical designers, THEN > > he owes Kibo a T-shirt, probably also a1so a real > neat Hockey-double-hockey-sticks major jersey. I'd like one of the Chelyabinsk (Siberia) Tractor's home jerseys, please. I like the dove-gray-and-white low-contrast theme, and the way the celestial bear's head is rising over the Urals. Plus it says "TRACTOR" in Cyrillic which would be sure to be a real conversation-starter: "Why does your jersey say 'TPACTOP'?" "It doesn't say 'TPACTOP', it says 'TRACTOR'." "Why does your jersey say 'TRACTOR'?" "Because the team is named Tractor." "Why is the team named 'TRACTOR' and not 'TRACTORS'?" "Because the name is singularly odd." The other one I'd want from the Russian Hockey League would be from the Perm (Prikamie) Molot, because it says "MOLOT" in blocky Cyrillic cursive, so that it looks like this: ############### ########## ########## ########## ############### ############### ########## ########## ########## ############### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ########## ### ### ########## ### ### ### ### ### ### ########## ### ### ########## ### ### ### ...imagine that one of the "#"s at top center of the first letter has seven arms instead of eight, because in Cyrillic you can write a "T" to look like an "M" if you introduce just the tiniest difference between the two. Also, the "L" has one "#" with nine arms, because otherwise it would be a "P". Cyrillic is hard! That's what makes it fun. I think St. Cyril was the one who said "Hey, let's just copy a bunch of Roman and Greek letters, and flip some of them over so that we won't violate the patent on the other alphabets!" while St. Methodius was the one who said, "And let's make the letters as similar to each other as possible so that hockey jerseys will be more symmetrical!" This approach was also taken by the Khimik (Chemists), who did a great job making their new "XXX" jersey's logo look like it's on inside-out no matter which way you look at it (forwards, backwards, or upside-down): \ /| | | | | | | / \ / | /| |\ /| | /| | / \/ | / | | \ / | | / | |/ /\ | / | | \/ | | / | |\ / \ |/ | | | |/ | /| \ / \| | | | | | / | \ \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / / / \ / \ _______/ \_______ (______/ \______) \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ I like how in Cyrillic you can stylize things to super-geometric forms without them looking horribly deformed, because Cyrillic is already awkward-looking so it's actually improved by giving the letters simplified angular shapes. Cyrillic is one of the few languages that works better for logos than for reading, even since the Communists purged all the round letters. The Tractor and Molot jerseys both have bears on them, because "Tractor" is Russian for "Scary bear driving a tractor" and "Molot" is Russian for "Look out, that bear's got a hammer!" Also, the current sponsor for Molot seems to be a company whose name is "Viking" and thus the Molot jerseys have a bear in front and a Viking behind, probably arranged that way so that you can't make the Canadian quarter joke about "It's the Queen, with a bear behind." The Tractor's bear is a rather mediocre snarling cartoon bear, but the Molot's bear is a really nicely stylized symmetrical bear's head -- attached to a pair of wings. "Look out, that bear's got a hammer AND he can FLY!" Size-wise, I'll take a medium jersey. I think that's a 44 in inches and probably something with at least three digits in whatever weird form of measurement the Russians use. I mean, my foot's THIRTY in Russian, so I can only imagine how big my shoulders are. You can send it to my office address so that I can wear it there, causing Tom Kraemer's candy to turn into Russian Smarties. The only jersey I have is a "Medium", because it's the cheap "replica" kind without the fight strap, not the "authentic" one which costs an extra hundred bucks because it has a fight strap. The cheap ones are sized Small/Medium/Large but the expensive ones are sized in inches, and different makers call different things a "Medium", so I only _think_ I'm a 44 in American inches and nobody knows what I'd be with regard to a Russian jersey made by Lutch. My favorite detail of the Lutch jerseys is that they have the "Lutch" logo on the shoulder, and it's an awe-inspiring logo because, given that it's Cyrillic, they were able to stylize the bejeezus out of it: / /| / / | /| / / | / | /| / | / | / | / / |/ |/ | /| / / / | / |__ | / \ | / |_____ |/ / Yes, that actually says "Lutch" if you know how to find the three Cyrillic letters hidden in it. (The first peak is the "L", the next two are the "U", and from the fourth peak onwards it's a "CH".) I also want a HŠmeenlinna (Finland) HPK jersey just so that nerds will come up to me and talk about Mandalorian bounty hunters and I could humiliate them by explaining that Boba Fett is NOT Finnish. It would be even better if there was a picture of a different "Star Wars" character on the back of the jersey so that I could spin around and turn Boba Fett into Jar Jar before their very eyes. (Any jersey that makes nerds cry is a cool jersey.) Oh, and I want an Oshawa Generals jersey with the "G" version of the logo just to confuse Bruins fans. Better yet, one with the same logo but a "K" in it. And change "Oshawa" to some more glamorous city, like Schenectady. Plus add some extra stuff to the jersey to make it interesting, like the eight pounds of gold trim on the Senators alternate jersey. What else should I add to my wardrobe to trick random people into thinking that I'm a sports fan and therefore want to hear them talk about how much they liked Phil Esposito while I'm waiting for the bus? -- K. P.S. Remember how I said that Koho (which makes the NHL's "road" and "alternate" jerseys) developed the alternate jerseys just to steal market share from CCM (which makes the "home" jerseys)? Well, the conspiracy is even worse than that! CCM _is_ Koho! They just instituted the alternate jersey program to fool people into thinking they were competing for money when really they just wanted to trick hockey fans into ordering two catalogs so that two different spellings of their name will get on the junk mail lists! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Re' (N)HL logo design Kibological Jersey Names Givt Idea$ Date: Sun, 22 Sep 2002 23:17:57 GMT Last night, I wrote: > > I'd like one of the Chelyabinsk (Siberia) Tractor's home jerseys, > please. I like the dove-gray-and-white low-contrast theme, and > the way the celestial bear's head is rising over the Urals. > Plus it says "TRACTOR" in Cyrillic which would be sure to be > a real conversation-starter: > > > "Why does your jersey say 'TPACTOP'?" Excuse me, I meant to say "TPAKTOP". I keep forgetting that one must say "K" when one means "C" because "C" means "S" and "S" was outlawed by the Communists in 1917. I think I need to invent a new language where "A" means "B" but is spelled "C" and is pronounced "D" because "B" means "C" but is spelled "D" and is pronounced "E", and so on, just to confuse people. Also random letters would be upside-down or backwards to make it look like they think Russian looks in that episode of "The Time Tunnel" where they go to a studio backlot where a couple of letters have been turned upside down on one of the Wild West streets and thus they're in Soviet Russia. > [...] > > Oh, and I want an Oshawa Generals jersey with the "G" version of > the logo just to confuse Bruins fans. Better yet, one with the same > logo but a "K" in it. And change "Oshawa" to some more glamorous > city, like Schenectady. Is Kingston (Ontario) more glamorous than Oshawa or Schenectady? I just found out their logo is also a Bizarro Bruins logo, except that the hub of the eight-spoke wheel is a "K" instead of a "B" or "P" or "G". So now we're up to four consonants, if we can find a fake Bruins jersey with an "E" or "O" on it we could buy some and a group of us could stand in front of the FleetCenter spelling out messages about how you should only walk in front of cars AFTER the game. The only problem is that the BEST letter in the whole alphabet, "K", is hideously deformed in the most commonly-seen version of the Frontenacs logo: ========== ========== || || // // || || // // || || // // || || // // || |==// \\ || \\ || \\ || |========\\ \\ || || \\ \\ || || \\ \\ || || \\ \\ ========== ========= There also seems to be a new version where the "K" is solid black instead of outlined, and not deformed, and all nice and angular EXACTLY LIKE THE ONE IN MY X-FACE HEADER. So does this mean they're imitating the Bruins' look or my much more important look? ########## ########### ########## ########### ########## ########### ########## ########### ########## ########### ##################### ########## ########### ########## ########### ########## ########### ########## ########### ########## ########### ########## ########### (You have to imagine that those are superimposed on an eight-spoke wheel to represent that Kingston, Ontario is the Hub Of The Universe.) So are the Oshawa Generals and Kingston Frontenacs affiliated with the Boston Bruins in any way? I'd assume that if they were Boston's farm teams (like the Providence Bruins) they'd have better-drawn logos, and that there would be a lot of Web pages mentioning the connection (like "WOOO!!! GO LEAFS!!! BOSTON BRUINS SUCK INCLUDING THE PROVIDENCE BABY BRUINS!!!") but I can't find any references to the Generals or Frontenacs being any relation to the Bruins. I know that the really minor teams just buy blank jerseys of the designs that are custom-made for the real teams (different logo, but same color scheme and pattern), so there are a lot of teams that have yellow and black arranged in exactly the same way as on the Bruins jerseys. (Or nearly the same way, if they're so cheap that they buy last year's version from before the major league team made some pointless minor changes to pad out the catalog.) But what's with these two Ontario teams that have the same colors and jersey design AND poor imitations of Boston's logo? The first version of the "K" is so inept that I can't imagine the Bruins would have approved it. The Frontenacs usually use a logo with some ugly deformed yellow guy with a tricorner hat and cape (looks a lot like the great-grandpa of Moe from "The Simpsons") and the Generals usually just write their name in baseball-style script, the circled "G" and "K" surface just often enough to hint at a major cover-up. Anyway, if one of you folks sends me a jersey with the "K", I'll send you a dollar (two if it's the version that's not hideously deformed.) -- K. Also, where does Boston get off being the Hub Of The Universe? It's only the hub of the part of the Universe that's in New England! I think New York City is outside the part of the Universe that revolves around Boston's hub (which, incidentally, is in the middle of the sidewalk outside Filene's Basement -- it's made of bronze for durability, which is why only half the letters in "HUB OF THE UNIVERSE" have fallen out of the sidewalk inlay. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Broken stencil font in the news. Date: Sun, 22 Sep 2002 05:58:19 GMT Ben Wolfson (wolfson@midway.uchicago.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Ethic in the typeface-selling business are a fluid thing. > > I think this sentence should be entered in the Lyttle Lytton contest I THINK MY GRAMMAR IS BEING MOCKED SLIGHTLY. First off, I remember clearly that when I was typing the end of the word "ethics", the bus I was on hit a pothole, causing me to accidentally leave off the "s" for extra sleaziness, and my computer thinks "ethic" is a word even though we know better. Secondly, because I am smarter than Archimedes Plutonium and tj Frazir combined, even if they're combined with several other crackpots who insist they don't need to try to find their computer's spell-checker because we don't deserve spelling because they're geniuses, I am entitled to force you puny semi-evolved simians to puzzle out my new Genius Grammar, where I can glue together any words I want in any order I want to make sentences a long and awkward as I want, which I do want, because the period key on my keyboard is worn all shiny-smooth so I need to use all the other keys significantly more often compared to the period if I want to even out my keyboard's glistening areas. <-- See? I made a sentence! I'll try to make my sentences more loquacious in the future in order to fix my period problem while maintaining my perfect level of Genius Grammar. Perhaps I shall go beyond loquacious and prolix into a realm of stylistic baroquery so byzantine that it requires a nine-syllable word just to mention how big the sentences are. In fact, the complexity of my sentences shall be the smallest value that cannot be specified using only as many words as there are in this sentence. Also, the "A" is wearing off my "A" key, which makes it match the others in an abstract sense because none of them have "A"s except for "TAB" and "ALT", but still I need to use the other 25 letters more frequently, therefore I am going to go compile a list of words that are like "aardvark" except with "q" or "z" as the vowel. -- K. P.S. My spell-checker says the only thing wrong with this article is that you spelled your name wrong, Mr. Boylston. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Who banned Halloween ? Date: Sun, 22 Sep 2002 06:23:20 GMT "Conmidhe" (conmidhe@geek.com) wrote: > > I went to the grocery store today to buy some more hot sauce and junk > food snacks and while there I noticed that the word Halloween has > aparrently been banned for common usage or at least banned from > grocery stores. Watch out! The firemen are on their way to burn your house down with fire leaping and dancing from their snake-like hoses! Linda agrees with me, DON'T YOU, LINDA? (buzz) (buzz) (buzz) YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, LINDA! Conmidhe, the Hound is coming, the Hound! Now excuse me while I zoom in on a series of TV antennas. > The snack cakes that used to be called Halloween Cakes are now called > Fall Party Cakes. It used to be that you were only allowed to eat them one day a year (even though they're all manufactured in September.) Now, you can eat them any time during an entire season, provided you have friends over. Waah! These party cakes discriminate against those of us with messy apartments! > The brownies with orange icing are now called Fall Brownies. > > The pumpkins were there but there was a sign labeling them as > pumpkins and not as Jack O lantern kits. I keep worrying that they're going to start printing warning labels on pumpkins ("Do not throw at eyes or face; Do not fill with gasoline before inserting candle; Do not eat, may taste like durian.") After all, my local supermarket has three (3) different signs on the little sushi display which say things like "WARNING! SUSHI PRODUCTS MAY CONTAIN RAW FISH!" I imagine that if I were to get a store-bought Halloween costume, it would probably say things like "WARNING: GHOST COSTUME DOES NOT ALLOW YOU TO WALK THROUGH WALLS." or maybe "WARNING: COSTUME MAY BE SCARY. DO NOT WEAR COSTUME WHERE PEOPLE MIGHT SEE IT." > The big ass bags of small ass bags of candy that used to be called > Halloween candies are now called This Week's Special. "This Week's Special: Ass Bags of all sizes! They're Ass-Tacular!" -- K. I wonder what non-threatening thing they'll make out of Christmas. "Fat geezer with fur fetish sneaking into your home while you sleep and stuffing novelties into your socks season"? (And that doesn't even factor in the truly disturbing aspects, such as elves.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Srrawman Physics Nasa hot lense Date: Mon, 23 Sep 2002 05:53:58 GMT And now, from the producers of "The Anna Nicole Smith Show", it's time for everyone's favorite new show, "The Wacky World Of tj Frazir"! In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Corn oil clear is a better lense . I ue it on te sa floor , it don't > conduct electric. And then a big lumberjack carrying something similar to an axe but not quite an axe asked, "Have you tried using Brawny paper towels on the sea floor? With two or three rolls of Brawny you should be able to clean up the ocean so that we'll be able to walk down and look at all the happy, clean fish lying on the ocean's squeaky-clean floor." Also, the lumberjack was nine feet tall. > Looking down that close is a lot of heat . Use less > glass and more oil ,,in fact the oil will cool the sencor too. > A lense focus the sun down to a point is hot on the serface , But if > a liquid oil is against the serface it will handle more heat at one > point. And then Bob Ross said to use the liquid oil to make the tree happy, because it's your world, you can make the trees happy if you want to. Then he spilled his paint and yelled "DAMMIT!" but the viewers never heard it because he was sencored. > The thiner the glass is the easyer it is to cool so fill the cam full > of clear oil and dump the hot photo . Now you can put more heat onthe > spot and take a quicker pic. less expo time. And then Pee-Wee Herman turned to the kids and asked, "Hey kids, what time is it? IT'S EXPO TIME!" and filled up the rest of the show by repeating jokes he'd heard about that baseball team whose logo says "ble" backwards. Please explain how an "M" can be an "elb". One letter cannot be three! Well, "W" is three syllables when it describes itself, but I know "M" can't be three OTHER letters. Then it would be four letters at the same time, therefore it would explode, which is why there's no such candy as "M&M&M&Ms". > Finer points and a cool photo . And then Fonzie said it was cool and told Potsie to stop making fun of that kid with the cleft palate who kept saying things like "I ue it on te sa floor". Then Fonzie disparaged the Cunningham household as "middle-class" and Joanie said, "Yeah, but you're middle-aged," and he said "WHOA, SIT ON IT, AYYY!" which leads me to ask you this question... If YOU were Fonzie, how would YOU say "AYYY!"? Would it be just a "Y"? -- K. Or maybe "elb"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: FIRST alians hammer Date: Mon, 23 Sep 2002 06:10:28 GMT In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > LOL NB and AL-airouse quotes . Ever see the hammer made be alians and > found in a rock ? No, because I'm still busy trying to find the sentence in "LOL NB and AL-airouse quotes ." > Its a hammer made of tounston and had a fine hex head. Wasn't Tounston the city where all the old cartoon characters teamed up to build the rocket flown by Duck Dodgers In The Twenty-Four-And-A-Half Century? > The handle is a loop so the worker has a strait wrist . IT'S NOT A STRAIT, HIS WRIST IS A PENINSULA!!! If his wrist weren't a peninsula, he wouldn't be able to earn a living washing dishes! > Found on a oil drill site sticking out of a rock . Ill try google You have our permission to use the grown-ups' Internet, but just this once. Then it's back to your special Pretend Internet made out of Play-Doh. -- K. P.S. No, I will not separate all the brown back into magenta, blue, and yellow for you again. Don't mingle all your Play-Doh or I won't buy you any more expensive Play-Doh, just the cheap Russian-made imitation, Sov-Doh, which may contain traces of nettles and/or an acid that eats fingers. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Will this cause more road rage than it prevents? Date: Mon, 23 Sep 2002 09:24:24 GMT An unattributed article seen on Ananova.com: -> Smiley road signs are the way forward -> -> Smiley faces at the road side are being used to calm drivers on Austria's -> motorways. -> -> The faces are red and angry at the beginning of roadworks but get happier -> and brighter in colour towards the end. -> -> A pilot scheme has had such a positive effect it is now being rolled out -> across the country. -> -> The 'Smileys' have been placed every couple of metres in the Bosruck Tunnel. -> -> The changing colours are meant to reflect the drivers' improving moods as -> they get nearer to the end of the roadworks. -> -> The effect of the Smileys is "very positive" according to research -> conducted by the motorway authorities. Interesting that they claim "brighter in colour" faces are inherently happier than red faces. (Isn't red normally considered a bright color?) I think they're trying to say that Whitey deserves a good smile after successfully keeping the red man down for so long. In any case, wouldn't it work better to just make them ALL be the happy version instead of starting with the one that tells people to be annoyed? -- K. "every couple of metres"... hmmm... Someone's going to add flipbook-style animated graffiti. I'm just sorry it can't be me. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: something's not kosher about this story Date: Tue, 24 Sep 2002 05:22:31 GMT From the Reuters "Oddly Enough" department: -> Man Dies After Detergent Mistaken for Hummus -> Sep 23, 11:54 am ET -> -> JERUSALEM (Reuters) - A 91-year-old Israeli died after his caregiver -> spread a paste-like dishwashing detergent on his bread instead of hummus, -> police said on Monday. -> -> The caregiver, who had worked for the old man for five years, told police -> he could not read the Hebrew writing on the detergent's container and -> served it up when the man asked for some hummus, a chickpea spread popular -> in the Middle East. -> -> Police said the caregiver called an ambulance when his employer fell ill -> on Saturday but the man died in the hospital. -> -> "We are checking to see whether there was criminal intent or whether it -> was a negligent homicide," a police spokesman said. This story smells suspicious. First off, what sort of dishwashing detergent looks like greasy yellowish-brown goop? And secondly, did he eat the whole sandwich before noticing that the thing had the incredibly powerful aroma of super-concentrated dish detergent? Would his life have been saved if it had been a bagel so that he could have noticed a stream of bubbles coming out of the hole? Finally, why was the detergent in the refrigerator? Still, it could have been worse. It could have been humus. -- K. And how come this nameless caregiver couldn't read the Hebrew writing for "picture of a skull and crossbones"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: There's something wrong with my French vocabulary. Date: Tue, 24 Sep 2002 06:05:17 GMT I just realized that my French vocabulay consists entirely of the following words and/or phrases: "pamplemousse" "racinette" "cretons de veau" "steak tartare" ...and, oddly, all four of them are for foods, but two of them are for things that I dislike. And of the other two, one of them is plural for no particular reason, and the other I have to pronounce real carefully so that I don't wind up with grape soda instead of root beer. So, could someone please recommend a French restaurant that serves cretons de veau but not steak tartare, and root beer but not grape soda? Thanks. -- K. P.S. I still say that steak tartare is grosser than you expect. Trust me. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Short shameful confession: I learned something today. Date: Wed, 25 Sep 2002 03:27:18 GMT I have never been able to remember the name of scary-looking comic actor Brian Posehn, until today. About twenty times when he's shown up on a random sitcom or commercial I've said "Oh, look! It's that guy from 'Mr. Show With Bob And David' who looks scary and whose name I always have to look up!" and then I look it up and it's Brian Posehn. From today on I can remember his name, starting about three and a half hours ago when I gave him the finger. Well, he started it! So, Brian Posehn, when you flashed your middle finger, my hair-trigger reflexes not only cause me to return the salute, but this potent neurological stimulus forged a connection between the two broken neurons in my brain that were supposed to have been remembering your name for the past few years, so next time you try to give you the finger I'll give it back and yell "WOO! I REMEMBER YOUR NAME, BRIAN POSEHN! THANKS FOR FIXING MY BRAIN!" -- K. P.S. Dear Bob & David, I was NOT the guy who shouted "DO 'DRUGACHUSETTS'!" during your live show. This is because I understand the difference between television and people. I may be a fan of yours, but I'm not an idiot! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Short shameful confession: I learned something today. Date: Wed, 25 Sep 2002 03:56:48 GMT [on the "Mr. Show With Bob & David" live tour] Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. Dear Bob & David, I was NOT the guy who shouted > > "DO 'DRUGACHUSETTS'!" during your live show. This is because > > I understand the difference between television and people. > > I may be a fan of yours, but I'm not an idiot! > > And I'll bet you didn't put a bullet in Dave Cross's brain like I > asked you to. No way, man. I like Bob and David and the other guys who were there (John Ennis and Brian Posehn -- whose name I am again starting to have trouble remembering -- and that woman who plays "the woman". Jill something.) I also like the guys who appeared only in film clips, such as Tom Kenny and Jay Johnston and Andy Dick, who wandered into one of the film clips somehow. So I draw the line at killing people on a vaudeville stage just because you want me to. You are not providing adequate peer pressure! You'd probably like the guy who sat in front of me briefly, though. I don't want to stereotype anyone, but this guy was obviously a dumb jock full of steroids with an IQ of around 3, because he was really big. I mean "really big" in the manner that indicates there was something not right about him. Anyway, halfway through the show, he wandered in and sat in an empty seat in front of me. He spent about ten minutes staring at the stage blankly while the rest of the audience was having fun -- he didn't move or laugh once -- and then got up and walked out when Bob Odenkirk got a big laugh for saying "teabag". So, to sum up, there were several thousand twenty-to-thirty-something nerds with glasses and receding hairlines who liked Bob & David, and one guy who looked like Harold Sakata swallowed Mike Tyson who just didn't see what was so funny about Bob Odenkirk volunteering to perform oral sex on an imaginary testicle representing the abstract concept of the sorry state of the American educational system in the milieu of this sketch which was an allegorical satire on the politics of the United States and its genitals. Can I say "genitals" on the Internet? -- K. Also, it would have been hard to aim at David Cross from back there in row "V". I could barely tell that Brian Posehn is scary-looking! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Tarmac over my Audi Date: Wed, 25 Sep 2002 04:20:31 GMT John D Salt (john.salt@NOSPAM.btclick.com) wrote: > > So my next appeal to Kibological Super Power Assistance is for > helping persuade the Post Office to deliver this package of mine > they've had since the 14th. Phoning them up and asking them to > deliver it is beginning to look like not working. Did you mail it to yourself from Canada so that you wouldn't have to cram a big pair of rubber boots into your camera bag leading to an airport security guard asking why you crossed an international border just to get cheap galoshes that would smell up the whole airplane? Regardless, you still need to wait up to two months, because they won't even try to move it until the family of raccoons nesting on top of it have whelped their babies and moved out to the suburbs to eat someone's plastic trash cans. You see, philosophers tell us that everything in the Universe affects everything else in the Universe -- and philosophers are never wrong -- so if a butterfly flaps its wings in the rain forest, it can cause an earthquake in your neighborhood. This is why we must immediately nuke the rainforest to kill all the butterflies who live there, and also nuke any other places evil raccoons might be hiding, before the raccoons can take over any more packages. This philosophy is called "Umwelt", which is German for "You're not getting your package unless you have nuclear weapons." -- K. Next question: If Count Chocula were pounding on your door during sort of cereal-related emergency, and you asked to see his identification, would he have a government-issued photo ID that said "Count Chocula", or his legal name, "Wink Hartley"?