Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Aftermath! Date: Fri, 4 Oct 2002 09:16:51 GMT Today, I needed to send a money order ('cause I'm willing to use eBay but not PayPal) so I was walking to the post office, which is around the corner from the back of my apartment building, on Wigglesworth St. (I live in an area of town where all the street names are either impossible to spell over the phone, or at least make people snicker.) I also walk along Wigglesworth on days when I take the bus to my office, such as yesterday. Yesterday I was moseying down Wigglesworth when I saw an ambulance parked there and a lot of neighbors standing around spectating. I didn't ask anyone "What happened?" because I figured that would be crass if something interesting had actually happened. Today, on Wigglesworth, at the same place, I came across some other folks. Blue plastic bunny suits, yellow rubber boots, Tyvek hoods, and respirators. The truck indicated they were with Aftermath, one of those recent, highly- profitable companies that gets hired to clean up the giant bloodstains after a murder. I didn't ask the Aftermath guys what had happened, because you just don't talk to strangers wearing respirators. Either all they can say is "mumble mumble mumble mumble" or, if they pull of their respirator, "You made me take off my respirator just to talk to you, jerk! Now we're BOTH inhaling the cloud of toxic death!" I don't know if this was a murder, a suicide, or just someone who was found badly-decomposed and/or eaten by cats after a month of sitting in front of a TV that was still tuned to Regis Philbin's show. All I have to say is: When I die, I want you to send the guys in hazmat suits, and I also want you to pay them extra to put up big photos of the crime scene where the pedestrians can see them. (I'll try to be murdered in an interesting pose. Note to all potential murderers: Please don't murder me until I'm in good lighting. Thank you.) I've seen companies like Aftermath and Crime Scene Clean-Up profiled on TV at least three times -- not because they have a sickening job, but because they make sickening amounts of money. And they used to say that crime doesn't pay! -- K. Then, on the way home, I saw that someone had finally removed the "31% Tomato Paste" barrel from the trolley stop. I don't know if Aftermath took it away, and I don't know what happened to the bush that had spontaneously germinated in it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: SPRMRKT ABBRS of DQQM Date: Fri, 4 Oct 2002 09:19:00 GMT I'm sure we're all familiar with the way that, about ten to fifteen years ago, computers made it possible for cryptic supermarket receipts like MEAT 2.99 DAIRY 1.09 NON-FOOD .99 to be replaced by easy-to-read ones like SAS GND CK RT FL 13ZX $2.99 FL GR BL WUH NUX ZORP $1.09 (not an actual receipt but GX NB URG GLEK W DRIT .99 an amazing simulation) "Sure," you're saying, "Those nonsense words disguised as abbreviations may be cryptic, but they're necessary until people invent a computer that can print a whole sentence, and besides, you never have to look at them. Those aren't the official names of groceries and they'd never write them on signs." Well, this week, the Prudential Star Market made history by deciding that the mangled abbreviations would be the actual names. This week, in the frozen-foods aisle, I was confronted by signs advertising specials on: FRNDLY IC FORBID CHO UB TER CHIX RICE BOW !BE CKN VOILA/GRDN H Apparently now the big yellow signs are coming right out of their database, and the computer's printing them without human instigation, and robotic arms are putting the signs up without human intervention, and the system is working really well if the aim is to ensure that people start calling "Birds-Eye" "!BE" from now on. "Mmm! These are great bang-bee-ee veggies, Mom!" I suspect Birds-Eye is happy with their new name, as it no longer contains avian eyeballs, and gets listed first whenever the computer sorts it, at least until Green Giant changes their name to "!!!!GG" next week. I've seen eBay feedback that's more coherent and less over-punctuated than these signs! -- K. They've also started grouping items on the receipt into categories, probably because the category headings make it longer so they can print more ads on the back. But I liked knowing in what order I was trying to buy stuff! Probably next month they'll switch to sorting the items by popularity, like Amazon.com. "Customers who bought UB TER CHIX RICE BOW also wanted to see DUNG N DRAG T MOV." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Tarmac over my Audi Date: Fri, 4 Oct 2002 09:23:25 GMT John D Salt (john.salt@NOSPAM.btclick.com) wrote: > > [...] > > A friend of mine called Fred Collins went to Canada some time ago > and got bitten by a raccoon, so it hardly seems worth the trouble > of going. Well, at least it wasn't one of the big animals they have in Canada, like the mosquitoes. What does the United States do to keep those out? Is there some sort of invisible porous screen with half-inch holes along the border? If that's true, why doesn't Niagara Falls look like it's going through a spaghetti strainer? -- K. I've only seen Niagara Falls from directly above. All planes are required to go over it to get anywhere. I think it was a Seattle-to-Boston flight and they wanted to poke one wing into Canada for tax reasons. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Which corner of the Nolan Graph represents Insane Blue Libertarians? Date: Sat, 5 Oct 2002 05:02:28 GMT In the past, I've mentioned argyria -- a rather nasty medical condition in which people turn blue due to their own stupidity in drinking silver goo for no legitimate medical reason -- but now argyria has made the news in a wacky way. In case you haven't already seen it: [from CNN.com] -> -> Candidate turned himself blue -> -> 'I tell them I'm practicing for Halloween' -> -> Wednesday, October 2, 2002 Posted: 11:48 PM EDT (0348 GMT) -> -> GREAT FALLS, Montana (AP) -- Montana's Libertarian candidate for Senate -> has turned blue from drinking a silver solution that he believed would -> protect him from disease. -> -> Stan Jones,a 63-year-old business consultant and part-time college -> instructor, said he started taking colloidal silver in 1999 for fear that -> Y2K disruptions might lead to a shortage of antibiotics. -> -> He made his own concoction by electrically charging a couple of silver -> wires in a glass of water. There's no better way to say "I'M STUPID" than to permanently dye yourself bright blue by poisoning yourself. Unless first you make your own poison and then drink it. That's stupider. But, of course, it doesn't compare to doing this because you're scared of THE Y2K BUG! I predict that this guy isn't the sharpest blue crayon on the box. He'd probably have about as much chance of winning a battle of wits as a Libertarian would of getting elected. I'd give him a silver medal for stupidity. (To get the gold, he'd have to be found dead in Sean Connery's hotel room wearing only gold bodypaint and a pair of shiny panties.) -> His skin began turning blue-gray a year ago. -> -> "People ask me if it's permanent and if I'm dead," he said. "I tell them -> I'm practicing for Halloween." "I'm going out as a political candidate from the planet Duh." He really needs to be wearing upside-down Spock ears to complete the ensemble. -> He does not take the supplement any longer, but the skin condition, called -> argyria, is permanent. The condition is generally not serious. ...gee, thanks, Doctor Reporter. "The condition is generally not serious" is so much more concise than what Emedicine.com says: [from Emedicine.com:] => => The systemic toxic effects of silver may include: => * Gastrointestinal catarrh => * Tissue wasting => * Uremia => * Albuminuria => * Fatty degeneration of the liver, kidney, and heart => * Hemorrhage => * Idiopathic thrombocytopenia => * Fluidity of the blood => * Chronic bronchitis => * Loss of coordination => * Decreased night vision => * Gustatory disturbance => * Vestibular impairment => * Seizure of the grand mal type => * Death by paralysis of the respiratory system None of those sound good, except for "fluidity of the blood". Or maybe when they said "not serious" they meant that the guy looks funny. -> Colloidal silver dietary supplements are marketed widely as an -> anti-bacterial agent or immune-system booster, but some consider it -> quackery. And "some" is a more concise way to put it than "everyone in the world except for a few idiots that drank poison and dyed themselves permanently blue." -> Jones is one of three candidates seeking to unseat Democratic Sen. Max -> Baucus in November. The others are Republican state Sen. Mike Taylor and -> Green Party candidate Bob Kelleher. Yeah, but Bob Kelleher won't be Green once he gets some Dramamine. BURMA SHAVE -- K. For your reference, here's everything I said about argyria where you didn't see it: ////////// RE-RUNS AND OTHER DEBRIS FOLLOW //////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: White Castle: A Smart Choice for Local Scholars Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sat, 21 Apr 2001 16:39:57 -0400 "red" (moldau@86thisearthlink.net) wrote: > > [quoting a White Castle press release] > > > > Jamie Richardson, Director of Marketing at White Castle, offers his own > > hypothesis on the attraction of White Castle as a topic of study, > > ``We're living in the age of the Kodak generation where we are all > > overexposed and underdeveloped. White Castle offers a common > > touchstone, a unifying experience, so whether you're 18 or 88, you can > > relate to the great taste and a sense of craving. And besides all that, > > they just taste good!'' I think what White Castle is trying to say is that the reason they are popular with "the Kodak generation" is that their hamburgers are cooked in a broth of used photo chemicals. What, you thought that brown stuff that soaks into the buns came from meat of some sort? -- K. It's the gift that keeps on giving you argyria! /////// The following is an excerpt from an issue of "Today On The World" /////// (a newsletter to which I used to contribute) from February, 2001. /////// It's not my fault most these links have died since then. URL: Argyria, or, how to turn your skin pretty colors I read the following news article, which documents an interesting medical case in Japan: Sweet Tooth Leads to Silver Skin http://www.academicpress.com/inscight/03301998/graphb.htm > "When I first met the patient, I was very surprised -- his face > looked like a bronze statue," says dermatologist Katsumi Hanada [...] "Wow, cool!" I said to myself, "Too bad it's permanent and probably also toxic in some way, or I'd run right down to the supermarket and get ten boxes of those little silver balls they put on cakes and give myself a nice futuristic metal-tone complexion!" But that thought passed from my head within milliseconds, and then I decided to see if I could find any pictures of exactly what the results of this unusual medical condition are. One woman suffering from argyria has been brave enough to document her story in the hopes that it will help others avoid such problems: Rosemary Jacobs' Argyria Page http://homepages.together.net/~rjstan/ > IF MY DOCTOR HAD READ THE MEDICAL LITERATURE INSTEAD OF THE ADS > I WOULDN'T LOOK LIKE THIS TODAY It should be noted that the skin coloration really is "permanent" in the sense of "it lasts at least 40 years". Here are some more pictures of Rosemary: New England Journal of Medicine -- Argyria Photos http://www.nejm.org/content/1999/0340/0020/1554.asp > At the age of 11 the patient was given nose drops of unknown composition > for "allergies," and three years later her skin turned gray. Many quacks are currently selling bottled silver tinctures (just as they did over a hundred years ago) touting all sorts of fantasy medical benefits. Of course, silver, being a nasty metal which accumulates in your body, is no less harmful whether it's ground up really fine, salted, pickled, or dissolved in drain cleaner. The individual silver atoms (ions) themselves will build up in your skin. But that doesn't stop hundreds of quack companies from selling the stuff anyway with bogus claims that THEIR product is the only safe one because they grind up the stuff in a different way. Here's one sleazy sales pitch, illustrated with another picture of Rosemary: Colloidal Silver & the Blue People http://www.321website.com/members/home/data/perutech/bluepeople.htm > The Environmental Protection Agency's Poison Control Center reports > no toxicity listing for Colloidal Silver, it is therefore considered > harmless in any concentration. ...and if that sentence didn't set off your baloney detector, you need to have its batteries replaced. Now for some looks at colloidal silver and argyria by people who have actually had medical training: QuackWatch on Colloidal Silver http://www.quackwatch.com/01QuackeryRelatedTopics/PhonyAds/silverad.html > Of course, the fact that a product inhibits bacteria in a laboratory > culture doesn't mean it is effective (or safe) in the human body. > In fact, products that kill bacteria in the laboratory would be more > likely to cause argyria because they contain more silver ions that are > free to deposit in the user's skin. Journal of the American Medical Association on Colloidal Silver http://www.infinite-health.com/colloid2.htm > Contrary to these promotional claims, silver is not an essential > mineral supplement and has no known physiologic function. Colloidal Silver: Risk Without Benefit http://www.canoe.ca/HealthAlternativeColumns/010108.html > In November 2000, the medical journal Cutis reported that a > 56-year-year-old man had developed blue color changes of his > fingernails after using colloidal silver for three years. Notes on the Adverse Effects of Silver http://www.chiro.org/chiro-list/newsfile/silver.txt > [...] colloidal silver is produced by mixing silver nitrate, > lye, and gelatin. ...sounds delicious, except for the photo chemical and the drain cleaner. Summary -- causes & treatments of silver poisoning http://www.5mcc.com/SUMMARY/0851.html > Usual course - acute; chronic. OSHA Standards for Airborne Silver Exposure http://siri.uvm.edu/nioshdb/pel88/7440-22.htm > The concentration of silver in the air which will result in > generalized argyria is not known with certainty. Anecdote concerning argyria http://www.histosearch.com/histonet/Mar00A/Re.silverdtctn.SuggstnRef.html > Her skin was bluish grey, like best quality Welsh slate [...] A brief, but sad, journal abstract: "Argyria In Children" http://cassia.org/library/Arch%20Fr%20Pediatr,%2046%201,%201989%20Jan,%2049-50.htm > Self treatment is stigmatized. ////////// END OF RE-RUNS ////////////////////////////////////////////////// -- K. So you see, drinking silver is bad because it turns you blue. But, drinking Pepsi Blue just turns you unhappy. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: KIBO HAS CROSSBOW Date: Sat, 5 Oct 2002 06:13:47 GMT "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I just thought it would be funny to see Kibo running around with a giant > medevial crossbow, threatening to shoot things. > > No offense. > > TWANG Damn. Now I am offended and I must get a bigger crossbow just because Lots42 wants to see a GIANT one. And that is the last remaining good name for a sports team that isn't already taken: The Arbalesters. Akron Arbalesters, Albany Arbalesters, Arby's Arbalesters, it's just a great name for any team. Okay, I'm calling dibs on it here and now. Our home team is now the A.R.K Arbalesters. I'll design a logo and jersey when I get a chance. Instead of home and road jerseys, we'll have old and new jerseys, and instead of an alternate jersey we'll have a new mexico. One question, which sport should it be -- baseball, hockey, real football, fake football, electric football, basketball, curling, bowling, pinball, or good old-fashioned caber-tossing? Maybe now that the Montreal Expos are about to shut down (they had about 2,000 attendance at their last game of what will probably be their last season) we could buy them and change them into the A.R.K Arbalesters, as long as we can figure out a way to deform their "M"/"elb" logo so that it also says "K"/"ark". Oh, and also, no matter what sport the A.R.K Arbalesters play, I get to drive the Zamboni. -- K. Now show your team spirit: HEY HEY! WHADDADA SAY? AY ARE KAY ARBALESTERS ALL THE WAY! WOO! GO ARBALESTERS! WOOOOOO! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: KIBO HAS CROSSBOW Date: Sat, 5 Oct 2002 08:22:23 GMT "talysman" (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And that is the last remaining good name for a sports team that isn't > > already taken: The Arbalesters. > > [...] > > I'm calling dibs on it here and now. Our home team is now the > > A.R.K Arbalesters. > > [...] > > One question, which sport should it be -- baseball, hockey, real football, > > fake football, electric football, basketball, curling, bowling, pinball, > > or good old-fashioned caber-tossing? > > YES! > > specifically, the Arbalesters would play any of the above sports -- > WITH CROSSBOWS. > > "magic johnson is heading towards the basket... O NO! > he dropped the ball and is clutching a quarrel!" The Arbalesters would be armed with arbalests, NOT crossbows. While (to the uninitiated) an arbalest may look exactly like a crossbow, the difference is that in any fight between an arbalest and a crossbow, the arbalest would win. And an A.R.K Arbalester would be just plain more awesome than, for example, a Croydon Crossbowman. > and also, they would wear one of those suits with rollerskates all > over the entire body. Hell, yeah, I still gotta get me a Buggyrollin' suit. > except for the guy who gets THE ZORB. And the guy who is armed with POLYSORB! As Polysorb Industries tells us: -> Polysorb has all the advantages of ordinary sawdust, -> i.e. quick to absorb, lightweight & easy to use, -> with the added advantage of being fire retardant. ...Polysorb is unstoppable and twice as much fun as regular sawdust! And even better, on weekends, we'd play with a Zorb filled with Polysorb, and in the playoffs, maybe even a giant, molecule-shaped Polyzorb! -- K. Note that "Buggy Rollin'" is the name of the coolest thing in the world, but if you accidentally leave off the apostrophe it turns into "Buggy Rollin", which refers to Martin Landau wearing a latex mask with spiders under it. Eww! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I Don't Like Mondays Date: Sat, 5 Oct 2002 07:21:48 GMT Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > PERTWEE!!!! NEW IMPROVED GIANT ECOLOGY-SIZE KONTEXT-AWAY RICOCHETS OFF THE SKY AND EXPLODES IN A FIERY PLASMA RING OF DOUGHNUT-SHAPED POWER! > [...] > > How am I supposed to flip famous leprechauns off like > Leader Kibo if I have burnt flippin' fingers? > > [...] WHAM!!! SUDDENLY "BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS" IS ON MY TV AND KONTEXT-AWAY RETREATS BACK TO ITS UNDERWHELMING LITTLE STORAGE HUTCH WITH THE PLASTIC HINGES THAT BREAK OFF AFTER ONLY THREE OPENINGS AND/OR CLOSINGS! Dear Stacia, Don't worry, it could be worse. I don't want to admit it in public, but I know from recent experiences that there are worse kinds of burns to get. I might someday whisper a description of the incident, but it would probably be drowned out by the noises Kontext-Away makes, except for the words "stove" and "butt". The End. -- K. P.S. Today I am once again able to remember Brian Posehn's name. I wonder if he ever burns things? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: "It's All Good." WTH? Date: Sat, 5 Oct 2002 08:46:29 GMT Wiblur the Once (jchapman@aros.net) wrote: > > Yesterday, I went to the grocery store and I stopped by the pharmacy > inside to ask if they had any kind of eye-patch I could buy to keep from > opening my eye (to avoid the annoying seeing double stuff). Alas, the only > thing they suggested was to get a gauze pad and tape it on - not exactly > what I would consider the height of fashion. You don't go to weird enough grocery stores. I'm sure at least one of the ones where I shop would welcome customers who said, "I just poked my eye out, am I in the right store?" > My brane became un-b0rken for just a minute and I figured out that next > door was a costume shop and with it being the height of getting ready for > halloween season, they could probably fix me up with something stylish. > They had a lovely black-plastic eye patch complete with elastic band, as > well as a kickin' huge pirate hat with plastic parrot face on it - must > remember to buy it next check, when I am relatively wealthy again. A true pirate wouldn't BUY it. PILLAGE, DAMMIT!!! Or are you one of those sissy pirates who PAYS for stuff from his frilly change purse which has the word "SWAG" written on it in letters that DON'T look like they're made of little bones? I AM NOT SHOUTING, I AM JUST A PIRATE! ARRRRRRRR!!! Well, I'm not really a pirate, more of a Space Viking. But we also say "ARRRRRRRRRR!!!" a lot, along with "PILLAGE, DAMMIT!!!" and "GIMME A PAIR OF SOCKS WITH FURRY TOPS OR I'LL SLICE UP YOUR STUPID SOCK STORE!!!" > Anyway, when I put the patch on, it brought blessed relief from headaches > and double-seeing and all, so was worth the $1.00 I spent on it. Besides, > when I returned to the grocery store to find my wife, I kept getting > comments like: "Hey, Captain!" and kids saying "Arrrrr" as I walked buy. > It was a hoot!!!11! Don't forget "Avast, ye mateys!" You could even re-enact the final scene of the "Seinfeld" episode where Jerry accidentally wears the puffy pirate-style shirt on TV because the low talker asked him to and thus he starts a fashion craze among the homeless and in the last shot when they encounter a bum wearing Jerry's puffy shirt the laugh track yells "OHMIGAWD!!!!" That's absolutely the only time I've heard evidence that the laugh track machine has buttons other than "HAHAHAHAHA", "OOOOH", "WOOOO", and "AWWWW". Has the obnoxious "OHMIGAWD!!!!" button been used on any other shows? Do they only use it when people are dressed as pirates? If so, it must have been invented after the "Newhart" episode where Bob Newhart dressed up as a pirate to show the kids a film titled "The Apple, Nature's Toothbrush". Pirates are funny! Especially if they're Bob Newhart. He didn't have an eyepatch, though, just a black semi-circle under each eye. But he always has those so they don't count. -- K. If you have your eyepatch on now, we could re-enact that scene from "Solar Crisis": I'll be Corin Nemec, and you be Jack Palance!