Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Aftermath! Date: Fri, 4 Oct 2002 09:16:51 GMT Today, I needed to send a money order ('cause I'm willing to use eBay but not PayPal) so I was walking to the post office, which is around the corner from the back of my apartment building, on Wigglesworth St. (I live in an area of town where all the street names are either impossible to spell over the phone, or at least make people snicker.) I also walk along Wigglesworth on days when I take the bus to my office, such as yesterday. Yesterday I was moseying down Wigglesworth when I saw an ambulance parked there and a lot of neighbors standing around spectating. I didn't ask anyone "What happened?" because I figured that would be crass if something interesting had actually happened. Today, on Wigglesworth, at the same place, I came across some other folks. Blue plastic bunny suits, yellow rubber boots, Tyvek hoods, and respirators. The truck indicated they were with Aftermath, one of those recent, highly- profitable companies that gets hired to clean up the giant bloodstains after a murder. I didn't ask the Aftermath guys what had happened, because you just don't talk to strangers wearing respirators. Either all they can say is "mumble mumble mumble mumble" or, if they pull of their respirator, "You made me take off my respirator just to talk to you, jerk! Now we're BOTH inhaling the cloud of toxic death!" I don't know if this was a murder, a suicide, or just someone who was found badly-decomposed and/or eaten by cats after a month of sitting in front of a TV that was still tuned to Regis Philbin's show. All I have to say is: When I die, I want you to send the guys in hazmat suits, and I also want you to pay them extra to put up big photos of the crime scene where the pedestrians can see them. (I'll try to be murdered in an interesting pose. Note to all potential murderers: Please don't murder me until I'm in good lighting. Thank you.) I've seen companies like Aftermath and Crime Scene Clean-Up profiled on TV at least three times -- not because they have a sickening job, but because they make sickening amounts of money. And they used to say that crime doesn't pay! -- K. Then, on the way home, I saw that someone had finally removed the "31% Tomato Paste" barrel from the trolley stop. I don't know if Aftermath took it away, and I don't know what happened to the bush that had spontaneously germinated in it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: SPRMRKT ABBRS of DQQM Date: Fri, 4 Oct 2002 09:19:00 GMT I'm sure we're all familiar with the way that, about ten to fifteen years ago, computers made it possible for cryptic supermarket receipts like MEAT 2.99 DAIRY 1.09 NON-FOOD .99 to be replaced by easy-to-read ones like SAS GND CK RT FL 13ZX $2.99 FL GR BL WUH NUX ZORP $1.09 (not an actual receipt but GX NB URG GLEK W DRIT .99 an amazing simulation) "Sure," you're saying, "Those nonsense words disguised as abbreviations may be cryptic, but they're necessary until people invent a computer that can print a whole sentence, and besides, you never have to look at them. Those aren't the official names of groceries and they'd never write them on signs." Well, this week, the Prudential Star Market made history by deciding that the mangled abbreviations would be the actual names. This week, in the frozen-foods aisle, I was confronted by signs advertising specials on: FRNDLY IC FORBID CHO UB TER CHIX RICE BOW !BE CKN VOILA/GRDN H Apparently now the big yellow signs are coming right out of their database, and the computer's printing them without human instigation, and robotic arms are putting the signs up without human intervention, and the system is working really well if the aim is to ensure that people start calling "Birds-Eye" "!BE" from now on. "Mmm! These are great bang-bee-ee veggies, Mom!" I suspect Birds-Eye is happy with their new name, as it no longer contains avian eyeballs, and gets listed first whenever the computer sorts it, at least until Green Giant changes their name to "!!!!GG" next week. I've seen eBay feedback that's more coherent and less over-punctuated than these signs! -- K. They've also started grouping items on the receipt into categories, probably because the category headings make it longer so they can print more ads on the back. But I liked knowing in what order I was trying to buy stuff! Probably next month they'll switch to sorting the items by popularity, like Amazon.com. "Customers who bought UB TER CHIX RICE BOW also wanted to see DUNG N DRAG T MOV." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Tarmac over my Audi Date: Fri, 4 Oct 2002 09:23:25 GMT John D Salt (john.salt@NOSPAM.btclick.com) wrote: > > [...] > > A friend of mine called Fred Collins went to Canada some time ago > and got bitten by a raccoon, so it hardly seems worth the trouble > of going. Well, at least it wasn't one of the big animals they have in Canada, like the mosquitoes. What does the United States do to keep those out? Is there some sort of invisible porous screen with half-inch holes along the border? If that's true, why doesn't Niagara Falls look like it's going through a spaghetti strainer? -- K. I've only seen Niagara Falls from directly above. All planes are required to go over it to get anywhere. I think it was a Seattle-to-Boston flight and they wanted to poke one wing into Canada for tax reasons. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Which corner of the Nolan Graph represents Insane Blue Libertarians? Date: Sat, 5 Oct 2002 05:02:28 GMT In the past, I've mentioned argyria -- a rather nasty medical condition in which people turn blue due to their own stupidity in drinking silver goo for no legitimate medical reason -- but now argyria has made the news in a wacky way. In case you haven't already seen it: [from CNN.com] -> -> Candidate turned himself blue -> -> 'I tell them I'm practicing for Halloween' -> -> Wednesday, October 2, 2002 Posted: 11:48 PM EDT (0348 GMT) -> -> GREAT FALLS, Montana (AP) -- Montana's Libertarian candidate for Senate -> has turned blue from drinking a silver solution that he believed would -> protect him from disease. -> -> Stan Jones,a 63-year-old business consultant and part-time college -> instructor, said he started taking colloidal silver in 1999 for fear that -> Y2K disruptions might lead to a shortage of antibiotics. -> -> He made his own concoction by electrically charging a couple of silver -> wires in a glass of water. There's no better way to say "I'M STUPID" than to permanently dye yourself bright blue by poisoning yourself. Unless first you make your own poison and then drink it. That's stupider. But, of course, it doesn't compare to doing this because you're scared of THE Y2K BUG! I predict that this guy isn't the sharpest blue crayon on the box. He'd probably have about as much chance of winning a battle of wits as a Libertarian would of getting elected. I'd give him a silver medal for stupidity. (To get the gold, he'd have to be found dead in Sean Connery's hotel room wearing only gold bodypaint and a pair of shiny panties.) -> His skin began turning blue-gray a year ago. -> -> "People ask me if it's permanent and if I'm dead," he said. "I tell them -> I'm practicing for Halloween." "I'm going out as a political candidate from the planet Duh." He really needs to be wearing upside-down Spock ears to complete the ensemble. -> He does not take the supplement any longer, but the skin condition, called -> argyria, is permanent. The condition is generally not serious. ...gee, thanks, Doctor Reporter. "The condition is generally not serious" is so much more concise than what Emedicine.com says: [from Emedicine.com:] => => The systemic toxic effects of silver may include: => * Gastrointestinal catarrh => * Tissue wasting => * Uremia => * Albuminuria => * Fatty degeneration of the liver, kidney, and heart => * Hemorrhage => * Idiopathic thrombocytopenia => * Fluidity of the blood => * Chronic bronchitis => * Loss of coordination => * Decreased night vision => * Gustatory disturbance => * Vestibular impairment => * Seizure of the grand mal type => * Death by paralysis of the respiratory system None of those sound good, except for "fluidity of the blood". Or maybe when they said "not serious" they meant that the guy looks funny. -> Colloidal silver dietary supplements are marketed widely as an -> anti-bacterial agent or immune-system booster, but some consider it -> quackery. And "some" is a more concise way to put it than "everyone in the world except for a few idiots that drank poison and dyed themselves permanently blue." -> Jones is one of three candidates seeking to unseat Democratic Sen. Max -> Baucus in November. The others are Republican state Sen. Mike Taylor and -> Green Party candidate Bob Kelleher. Yeah, but Bob Kelleher won't be Green once he gets some Dramamine. BURMA SHAVE -- K. For your reference, here's everything I said about argyria where you didn't see it: ////////// RE-RUNS AND OTHER DEBRIS FOLLOW //////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: White Castle: A Smart Choice for Local Scholars Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sat, 21 Apr 2001 16:39:57 -0400 "red" (moldau@86thisearthlink.net) wrote: > > [quoting a White Castle press release] > > > > Jamie Richardson, Director of Marketing at White Castle, offers his own > > hypothesis on the attraction of White Castle as a topic of study, > > ``We're living in the age of the Kodak generation where we are all > > overexposed and underdeveloped. White Castle offers a common > > touchstone, a unifying experience, so whether you're 18 or 88, you can > > relate to the great taste and a sense of craving. And besides all that, > > they just taste good!'' I think what White Castle is trying to say is that the reason they are popular with "the Kodak generation" is that their hamburgers are cooked in a broth of used photo chemicals. What, you thought that brown stuff that soaks into the buns came from meat of some sort? -- K. It's the gift that keeps on giving you argyria! /////// The following is an excerpt from an issue of "Today On The World" /////// (a newsletter to which I used to contribute) from February, 2001. /////// It's not my fault most these links have died since then. URL: Argyria, or, how to turn your skin pretty colors I read the following news article, which documents an interesting medical case in Japan: Sweet Tooth Leads to Silver Skin http://www.academicpress.com/inscight/03301998/graphb.htm > "When I first met the patient, I was very surprised -- his face > looked like a bronze statue," says dermatologist Katsumi Hanada [...] "Wow, cool!" I said to myself, "Too bad it's permanent and probably also toxic in some way, or I'd run right down to the supermarket and get ten boxes of those little silver balls they put on cakes and give myself a nice futuristic metal-tone complexion!" But that thought passed from my head within milliseconds, and then I decided to see if I could find any pictures of exactly what the results of this unusual medical condition are. One woman suffering from argyria has been brave enough to document her story in the hopes that it will help others avoid such problems: Rosemary Jacobs' Argyria Page http://homepages.together.net/~rjstan/ > IF MY DOCTOR HAD READ THE MEDICAL LITERATURE INSTEAD OF THE ADS > I WOULDN'T LOOK LIKE THIS TODAY It should be noted that the skin coloration really is "permanent" in the sense of "it lasts at least 40 years". Here are some more pictures of Rosemary: New England Journal of Medicine -- Argyria Photos http://www.nejm.org/content/1999/0340/0020/1554.asp > At the age of 11 the patient was given nose drops of unknown composition > for "allergies," and three years later her skin turned gray. Many quacks are currently selling bottled silver tinctures (just as they did over a hundred years ago) touting all sorts of fantasy medical benefits. Of course, silver, being a nasty metal which accumulates in your body, is no less harmful whether it's ground up really fine, salted, pickled, or dissolved in drain cleaner. The individual silver atoms (ions) themselves will build up in your skin. But that doesn't stop hundreds of quack companies from selling the stuff anyway with bogus claims that THEIR product is the only safe one because they grind up the stuff in a different way. Here's one sleazy sales pitch, illustrated with another picture of Rosemary: Colloidal Silver & the Blue People http://www.321website.com/members/home/data/perutech/bluepeople.htm > The Environmental Protection Agency's Poison Control Center reports > no toxicity listing for Colloidal Silver, it is therefore considered > harmless in any concentration. ...and if that sentence didn't set off your baloney detector, you need to have its batteries replaced. Now for some looks at colloidal silver and argyria by people who have actually had medical training: QuackWatch on Colloidal Silver http://www.quackwatch.com/01QuackeryRelatedTopics/PhonyAds/silverad.html > Of course, the fact that a product inhibits bacteria in a laboratory > culture doesn't mean it is effective (or safe) in the human body. > In fact, products that kill bacteria in the laboratory would be more > likely to cause argyria because they contain more silver ions that are > free to deposit in the user's skin. Journal of the American Medical Association on Colloidal Silver http://www.infinite-health.com/colloid2.htm > Contrary to these promotional claims, silver is not an essential > mineral supplement and has no known physiologic function. Colloidal Silver: Risk Without Benefit http://www.canoe.ca/HealthAlternativeColumns/010108.html > In November 2000, the medical journal Cutis reported that a > 56-year-year-old man had developed blue color changes of his > fingernails after using colloidal silver for three years. Notes on the Adverse Effects of Silver http://www.chiro.org/chiro-list/newsfile/silver.txt > [...] colloidal silver is produced by mixing silver nitrate, > lye, and gelatin. ...sounds delicious, except for the photo chemical and the drain cleaner. Summary -- causes & treatments of silver poisoning http://www.5mcc.com/SUMMARY/0851.html > Usual course - acute; chronic. OSHA Standards for Airborne Silver Exposure http://siri.uvm.edu/nioshdb/pel88/7440-22.htm > The concentration of silver in the air which will result in > generalized argyria is not known with certainty. Anecdote concerning argyria http://www.histosearch.com/histonet/Mar00A/Re.silverdtctn.SuggstnRef.html > Her skin was bluish grey, like best quality Welsh slate [...] A brief, but sad, journal abstract: "Argyria In Children" http://cassia.org/library/Arch%20Fr%20Pediatr,%2046%201,%201989%20Jan,%2049-50.htm > Self treatment is stigmatized. ////////// END OF RE-RUNS ////////////////////////////////////////////////// -- K. So you see, drinking silver is bad because it turns you blue. But, drinking Pepsi Blue just turns you unhappy. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: KIBO HAS CROSSBOW Date: Sat, 5 Oct 2002 06:13:47 GMT "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I just thought it would be funny to see Kibo running around with a giant > medevial crossbow, threatening to shoot things. > > No offense. > > TWANG Damn. Now I am offended and I must get a bigger crossbow just because Lots42 wants to see a GIANT one. And that is the last remaining good name for a sports team that isn't already taken: The Arbalesters. Akron Arbalesters, Albany Arbalesters, Arby's Arbalesters, it's just a great name for any team. Okay, I'm calling dibs on it here and now. Our home team is now the A.R.K Arbalesters. I'll design a logo and jersey when I get a chance. Instead of home and road jerseys, we'll have old and new jerseys, and instead of an alternate jersey we'll have a new mexico. One question, which sport should it be -- baseball, hockey, real football, fake football, electric football, basketball, curling, bowling, pinball, or good old-fashioned caber-tossing? Maybe now that the Montreal Expos are about to shut down (they had about 2,000 attendance at their last game of what will probably be their last season) we could buy them and change them into the A.R.K Arbalesters, as long as we can figure out a way to deform their "M"/"elb" logo so that it also says "K"/"ark". Oh, and also, no matter what sport the A.R.K Arbalesters play, I get to drive the Zamboni. -- K. Now show your team spirit: HEY HEY! WHADDADA SAY? AY ARE KAY ARBALESTERS ALL THE WAY! WOO! GO ARBALESTERS! WOOOOOO! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: KIBO HAS CROSSBOW Date: Fri, 11 Oct 2002 06:28:50 GMT Brian 'Jarai' Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > You know, Kibo, it'd be REALLY HORRIBLE if you ACCIDENTALLY had an > UNFORTUNATE mishap in your neighborhood involving an ice-cream truck and > a high powered arbalest. I think the truck's gone south for the winter. However, my office is on one of the routes taken by the screaming guy on the giant tricycle. Think I can get some castlements with arrow loops installed for my arbalest before he comes by again? I'm sure he's actually a very nice guy, given that something is missing from his brain to make him unable to do anything other than ride a giant tricycle down all the sidewalks of Boston all day. The problem is that he constantly bellows "AAAAA! AAAAA! AAAAA! AAAAA! AAAAA!" so that he can ride on the sidewalk without having to steer around any pedestrians. I think he's Boston's most prominent local weirdo (I'm not local, I cross state lines on the Internet.) -- K. If there was a truck selling paper-thin slivers of rancid roast beef, I'd shoot it with an arbylest. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: KIBO HAS CROSSBOW Date: Sat, 12 Oct 2002 05:19:10 GMT Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [regarding a screaming guy who rides a giant trike all day like a > > combination of Bozo and a smoke alarm] > > > > I think he's Boston's most prominent local weirdo (I'm not local, I cross > > state lines on the Internet.) > > You've never caught the Mr. Butch Show? Playing daily somewhere along > Comm Ave. No, but I did just get "Can't Stop The Music" on DVD, and... oh, you mean there's some unintentional street performer around here named "Mr. Butch"? I don't know who that is. Is it the part of Comm Ave near where you live, or is it the part on the good side of town where I am? Who is this Mr. Butch and what does he do and just how butch is he? Is he a cartoon bulldog with one of those spiked collars that dogs wear to show how mean they are? Or is he a robotic hair stylist from the makers of Mr. Coffee and Mr. Machine? Or, worst of all, is he just Ben Stiller dressed as a grown-up Eddie Munster? -- K. Is he a member of the world's manliest law firm, Brent, Brock, Butch, & Dutch? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: KIBO HAS CROSSBOW Date: Mon, 7 Oct 2002 01:23:17 GMT Jeremy Impson (jdimpson@acm.org) wrote: > > [from a "Wall Ball" rules page] > > But among other groups, the person with three strikes must stand > with their hands against the wall while his fellow game players > pelt him in the butt with the ball. Strange? Very. A great game, > minus the pelting. > > *Minus* the pelting? The pelting WAS the game. And the game was called > "Moon Ball". Heheh. > > There was one time one guy through the ball just between the legs of the > guy mooning us. It bounced up and hit him right in the nuts. Swear to > god, no lie. I promise you the A.R.K Arbalesters are not going to do that, no matter which sport they wind up playing, whether or not they use balls or arrows or bouncing arrows. Also I'm adding something to the rulebook to ban artificially intelligent, rocket-powered nut-seeking balls. I never had to play wall ball when I was in school. However, like most normal people, I still have nightmares about dodgeball. That was the one where the only rule was that you had to stop the smelly, overinflated vulcanized rubber balls with your face. The A.R.K Arbalesters don't play that either. I hope you guys like red and black, because I've got the jerseys designed, except for the backs. They're mostly black, with nice little red castlements along the hems and a snazzy gold/black/red logo. What sizes should we order them in -- S and XL, or should there be a medium in there too? -- K. Also they only come in "road" jerseys because I'm too cheap to build a stadium just for alt.religion.kibology. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: KIBO HAS CROSSBOW Date: Fri, 11 Oct 2002 06:19:05 GMT Jeremy Impson (jdimpson@acm.org) wrote: > > Brian 'Jarai' Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The game was called "Butt Ball" where I grew up, but literally exposing > > one's butt was not part of the game. You merely got pelted through your > > clothes. It was either played with tennis balls or raquet balls. I do > > seem to remember some even-less-bright kids attempting to play the game > > with a baseball. > > For clarification, my "Moon Ball" variant did not involve literally > exposing one's butt. Butt when one is "against the wall" so to speak, > one's completely clothed butt-cheeks are a very tempting target for those > wishing to hurl a ball at you. > > We used tennis balls and "super pinky"'s, which were made of rubber, > coloured pink, and slightly smaller than tennis ball. I *think* it was > slightly larger than a racquet ball, but it's been so long since I've had > either ball in my hand that I've forgotten. "Super pinky"? Sounds like the name of a superhero who would pelt you with hard, semi-elastic handballs while yelling "THIS IS EDUCATIONAL! YOU ARE HAVING FUN WHILE YOU LEARN!" over and over. I will pay Five Imaginary Moon Dollars to the first person who can draw me an entire Super Pinky comic book, especially if it ends with him killing all the gym teachers in the world. I will pay Ten Imaginary Moon Dollars if this comic book gets made into a movie staring Nicolas Cage, James Caan, Walter Koenig, and Tiffany Brissette. Offer void if Walter Koenig's accent changes during the movie. Incidentally, research shows that Hedstrom still makes the Super Pinky, retail price ninety-nine cents, except now half the ball is covered with a giant bar code designed to be imprinted on your forehead during a game of Moon Ball. This is why the evils of Hedstrom were prophecied in the Bible, as well as in the terrifying movie "The Hedstrom Chronicle", which is about how insects will eventually take over the world by pelting humans with Super Pinkies. In other news, Pinky Burger (in Mexico) has a menu where they explain that most of their burgers are made from slices of pink rubber balls: -> 3 SUPER PINKY (Mahonesa, ketchup, cebolla, pepinillo, tomate, -> lechuga, hamburguesa de ternera) 2,75 -> 3.P SUPER PINKY POLLO (Mahonesa, ketchup, cebolla, pepinillo, tomate, -> lechuga, hamburguesa de pollo) 3,00 -> 4 SUPER PINKY HUEVO (Mahonesa, ketchup, cebolla, pepinillo, tomate, -> lechuga, hamburguesa de ternera, huevo) 2,90 -> 5 SUPER PINKY QUESO (Mahonesa, ketchup, cebolla, pepinillo, tomate, -> lechuga, hamburguesa de ternera, queso) 2,90 -> 6 SUPER PINKY DOBLE (Mahonesa, ketchup, cebolla, pepinillo, tomate, -> lechuga, doble hamburguesa de ternera) 3,60 -> 6.P SUPER PINKY DOBLE POLLO (Mahonesa, ketchup, cebolla, pepinillo, -> tomate, lechuga, doble hamburguesa de pollo) 3,75 -> 7 SUPER BACON (Tomate, lechuga, queso, hamburguesa de ternera, -> ketchup, bacon) 3,25 I think "pepinillo" is "pickle", and the prices have Euro symbols after them (omitted here), because Mexico seems to have forgotten it's no longer in Europe. Also, their logo is a buck-toothed, jaundiced dog who has a hockey stick sticking out from under one of his eyelids. What's black and sticky? A hockey stick -- in your eye socket! What's pink and super? A Super Pinky -- in your tummy! Mmm, rubber meat patty. -- K. Something's wrong when the bacon is only the second most stretchy item in your burger. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: KIBO HAS CROSSBOW Date: Sat, 12 Oct 2002 05:11:16 GMT Jacob W. Haller (spog@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Super pinky"? Sounds like the name of a superhero who would pelt you > > with hard, semi-elastic handballs while yelling "THIS IS EDUCATIONAL! > > YOU ARE HAVING FUN WHILE YOU LEARN!" over and over. > > I had no idea that 'psychotic teacher who threw superballs at students' > was such a common archetype! How many other people had a teacher like > this? Were they all elementary school math teachers? I still want someone to explain to me the orange, yellow, and blue rubber doughnuts (about one inch thick, from five to nine inches in diameter) we had in Special Gym. Also, the purpose of that stupid game where you have to run back and forth under a war-surplus parachute. > Actually, although I had a teacher in elementary school who was famous > for his past exploits with superballs, by the time I had him he no > longer threw superballs at people. Instead, he would walk up behind > your desk and scrape his knuckle swiftly down your spine, resulting in a > distinctly unpleasant and painful sensation, particularly if it was > unexpected, which it would be if you had finished the math exercises you > were supposed to be working on and were instead concentrating on > knitting your Dr. Who scarf. You _knitted_ one? NERD!!! I made _mine_ by stapling three scarves together. But then it fell apart and the Daleks killed me because my school made the mistake of installing wheelchair ramps next to the stairs. I had a Spanish teacher who used to brag about how many feet he could shoot a marble, but he never demonstrated. He was rumored to once have punched a kid in the face through the glass of a window, which is plausible if you understand that all high school Spanish teachers are dangerously insane. > I'm just saying is all! > > Elementary school was one big learning experience rolled into an enigma > rolled into six years. For instance, I learned that teachers don't > really like it when your parents call the principal to complain about > them. Who knew? I had one teacher who really seemed like a pedophile. I don't think he actually was, but he sure as heck seemed like one. You know, like when Kevin Spacey smiles. But it all evened out later when the principal who didn't seem like a pedophile got fired for being a pedophile. I wish I'd gone to school in Pee-wee's Playhouse instead of in the real world filled with perverts. -- K. Also, I wish I could get a PhD on "Romper Room". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: KIBO HAS CROSSBOW Date: Sat, 12 Oct 2002 04:42:51 GMT John D Salt (john.salt@NOSPAM.btclick.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Super pinky"? Sounds like the name of a superhero who > > would pelt you with hard, semi-elastic handballs while > > yelling "THIS IS EDUCATIONAL! YOU ARE HAVING FUN WHILE YOU > > LEARN!" over and over. > > Sounds to me like the name of the superhero who managed to grow > an extra little finger for those Finnish train things. > > Why isn't our public transport system fitted with equipment to > detect shapeshifting aliens, anyway? I don't know. Boston's has the guy who keeps doing Garry Shandling's old standup comedy routine from the 1980s into the microphone while he's driving the Green Line -- today I got the one about dating the self-centered girl whose hair is on fire AGAIN ("it's all 'me', 'me', 'me', 'I'M on fire', 'Put ME out!'...) I'm worried that if they did install a six-fingered alien detector it would speak in Dennis Miller's voice: "Hey, K-PAX, why don't you stop dipping your carbon-coated cha-cha in the shallow end of the Brillo pad and dial Bumnut, Iowa to tell them that somewhere Eubie Blake's rectal chords are dancing the hurly-burly with Dr. Doolittle's polyester scarf," except it would be harder for people to understand because it would be a robot voice. I'd still understand, of course, because I have TEN fingers. -- K. And all ten of my fingers are super pinkies, except the ones that are a foot, cha-cha. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: KIBO HAS CROSSBOW Date: Sun, 13 Oct 2002 06:06:28 GMT John D Salt (john.salt@NOSPAM.btclick.com) wrote: > > Why isn't our public transport system fitted with > equipment to detect shapeshifting aliens, anyway? > > [and in a later article:] > > I'm now beginning to wonder if all that business on the London > underground (Americans say we call it "the tube") about "MIND THE > GAP" is really a scheme to flush out amoeba-like alien life-forms > who could not extrude their pseudopodia across the gap. Actually, they're just looking for people who seal up the gap WITH THEIR MIND. They have special machines that detect people using too much of their brains. (They're the exact opposite of the "Three Stooges" slot machine.) In Toronto the signs say "WATCH THE GAP" to detect people who can see things that don't even exist. They also arrest you if, at Tim Horton's, you say "Mmm, the tastiest part of this doughnut is the hole!" -- K. In Toronto, no graphic designers are allowed to use whitespace. The worst thing you can say to a Torontonian is a speech balloon that looks like this: ______________________________ / \ | IT'S SPELLED | | | | | | | | | | | | | | "LEAVES" BOZO | \_________________| /_________/ | / |/ / ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: KIBO HAS CROSSBOW Date: Sat, 5 Oct 2002 08:22:23 GMT "talysman" (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And that is the last remaining good name for a sports team that isn't > > already taken: The Arbalesters. > > [...] > > I'm calling dibs on it here and now. Our home team is now the > > A.R.K Arbalesters. > > [...] > > One question, which sport should it be -- baseball, hockey, real football, > > fake football, electric football, basketball, curling, bowling, pinball, > > or good old-fashioned caber-tossing? > > YES! > > specifically, the Arbalesters would play any of the above sports -- > WITH CROSSBOWS. > > "magic johnson is heading towards the basket... O NO! > he dropped the ball and is clutching a quarrel!" The Arbalesters would be armed with arbalests, NOT crossbows. While (to the uninitiated) an arbalest may look exactly like a crossbow, the difference is that in any fight between an arbalest and a crossbow, the arbalest would win. And an A.R.K Arbalester would be just plain more awesome than, for example, a Croydon Crossbowman. > and also, they would wear one of those suits with rollerskates all > over the entire body. Hell, yeah, I still gotta get me a Buggyrollin' suit. > except for the guy who gets THE ZORB. And the guy who is armed with POLYSORB! As Polysorb Industries tells us: -> Polysorb has all the advantages of ordinary sawdust, -> i.e. quick to absorb, lightweight & easy to use, -> with the added advantage of being fire retardant. ...Polysorb is unstoppable and twice as much fun as regular sawdust! And even better, on weekends, we'd play with a Zorb filled with Polysorb, and in the playoffs, maybe even a giant, molecule-shaped Polyzorb! -- K. Note that "Buggy Rollin'" is the name of the coolest thing in the world, but if you accidentally leave off the apostrophe it turns into "Buggy Rollin", which refers to Martin Landau wearing a latex mask with spiders under it. Eww! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I Don't Like Mondays Date: Sat, 5 Oct 2002 07:21:48 GMT Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > PERTWEE!!!! NEW IMPROVED GIANT ECOLOGY-SIZE KONTEXT-AWAY RICOCHETS OFF THE SKY AND EXPLODES IN A FIERY PLASMA RING OF DOUGHNUT-SHAPED POWER! > [...] > > How am I supposed to flip famous leprechauns off like > Leader Kibo if I have burnt flippin' fingers? > > [...] WHAM!!! SUDDENLY "BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS" IS ON MY TV AND KONTEXT-AWAY RETREATS BACK TO ITS UNDERWHELMING LITTLE STORAGE HUTCH WITH THE PLASTIC HINGES THAT BREAK OFF AFTER ONLY THREE OPENINGS AND/OR CLOSINGS! Dear Stacia, Don't worry, it could be worse. I don't want to admit it in public, but I know from recent experiences that there are worse kinds of burns to get. I might someday whisper a description of the incident, but it would probably be drowned out by the noises Kontext-Away makes, except for the words "stove" and "butt". The End. -- K. P.S. Today I am once again able to remember Brian Posehn's name. I wonder if he ever burns things? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: "It's All Good." WTH? Date: Sat, 5 Oct 2002 08:46:29 GMT Wiblur the Once (jchapman@aros.net) wrote: > > Yesterday, I went to the grocery store and I stopped by the pharmacy > inside to ask if they had any kind of eye-patch I could buy to keep from > opening my eye (to avoid the annoying seeing double stuff). Alas, the only > thing they suggested was to get a gauze pad and tape it on - not exactly > what I would consider the height of fashion. You don't go to weird enough grocery stores. I'm sure at least one of the ones where I shop would welcome customers who said, "I just poked my eye out, am I in the right store?" > My brane became un-b0rken for just a minute and I figured out that next > door was a costume shop and with it being the height of getting ready for > halloween season, they could probably fix me up with something stylish. > They had a lovely black-plastic eye patch complete with elastic band, as > well as a kickin' huge pirate hat with plastic parrot face on it - must > remember to buy it next check, when I am relatively wealthy again. A true pirate wouldn't BUY it. PILLAGE, DAMMIT!!! Or are you one of those sissy pirates who PAYS for stuff from his frilly change purse which has the word "SWAG" written on it in letters that DON'T look like they're made of little bones? I AM NOT SHOUTING, I AM JUST A PIRATE! ARRRRRRRR!!! Well, I'm not really a pirate, more of a Space Viking. But we also say "ARRRRRRRRRR!!!" a lot, along with "PILLAGE, DAMMIT!!!" and "GIMME A PAIR OF SOCKS WITH FURRY TOPS OR I'LL SLICE UP YOUR STUPID SOCK STORE!!!" > Anyway, when I put the patch on, it brought blessed relief from headaches > and double-seeing and all, so was worth the $1.00 I spent on it. Besides, > when I returned to the grocery store to find my wife, I kept getting > comments like: "Hey, Captain!" and kids saying "Arrrrr" as I walked buy. > It was a hoot!!!11! Don't forget "Avast, ye mateys!" You could even re-enact the final scene of the "Seinfeld" episode where Jerry accidentally wears the puffy pirate-style shirt on TV because the low talker asked him to and thus he starts a fashion craze among the homeless and in the last shot when they encounter a bum wearing Jerry's puffy shirt the laugh track yells "OHMIGAWD!!!!" That's absolutely the only time I've heard evidence that the laugh track machine has buttons other than "HAHAHAHAHA", "OOOOH", "WOOOO", and "AWWWW". Has the obnoxious "OHMIGAWD!!!!" button been used on any other shows? Do they only use it when people are dressed as pirates? If so, it must have been invented after the "Newhart" episode where Bob Newhart dressed up as a pirate to show the kids a film titled "The Apple, Nature's Toothbrush". Pirates are funny! Especially if they're Bob Newhart. He didn't have an eyepatch, though, just a black semi-circle under each eye. But he always has those so they don't count. -- K. If you have your eyepatch on now, we could re-enact that scene from "Solar Crisis": I'll be Corin Nemec, and you be Jack Palance! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Neus Eu Can Euse -- Eunuch In Strange Incident In Karnal Jail Date: Sun, 6 Oct 2002 23:55:37 GMT [from Sify News, www.Sify.com] -> -> Separate cell for jailed eunuchs -> Karnal, Oct 5 -> -> In a strange incident in Karnal jail, a special and seperate wing had to -> made in the jail here for the arrested eunuchs in a `casteration' case. From now on, I'm going to refer to roller skating as "casteration". -> It was reported that the ward was created after the women prisoners -> strongly objected to eunuch Chandni, in judicial custody, being kept -> with them. -> -> The arrest of Asha, another eunuch in the casteration case who was sent -> in 14-day judicial custody, became all the more problematic for the jail -> authorities. -> -> The issue was resolved with the opening of an 'eunuch ward.' He's better known by his stage name, "Burt Ward". -> Eunuch Asha, alias Moli, alias Dalbir, of Machra Mandi, Bhattu Kalan, -> had reportedly confessed of having casterated Bashir, Shambhu, Negdhu and -> an unidentified person and in return got Rs 10,000 for each such case. The miscreant was then put into a room where they had to listen to Jack Palance dressed as a pirate saying "R!!!!" ten thousand times. -> Chandni, who was arrested earlier, had confessed to performing ''surgery'' -> on the casterated persons to bring them into the eunuchs' fold. I'm not sure it's a "fold", more of a flat spot. -> She along with her drum-beater Gyan, was arrested earlier. He's better known by his stage name, "Max Gyanberg". -> A local court has added Section 307 of the IPC in the case. I shall adjust my scorecard accordingly. -- K. (NOT A EUNUCH, although I do like roller skates.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Uh oh! I forgot! Date: Mon, 7 Oct 2002 00:46:27 GMT "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Something happened on 9-11-01 but I forgot what it was! Oh no! I'm so bad! November 9th, 2001? Doesn't ring a bell with me, either. Let me go look it up... -> A4M Biotech E-Newsletter: 2001, Issue 5 -> -> November 9, 2001 -> -> SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: American Life Expectancy Reaches All-Time High Apparently our life expectancy peaked then, it must be declining because they already declared that whatever it was on November 9, 2001 was the "all-time" high, and now we're all going to die. Fortunately, the newsletter also had happy news for us: -> "Magic Trousers" Cure Heart Patients Scientists have determined that people who are at risk of a heart attack are in great danger of having their heart explode whenever people laugh at them, therefore these new trousers are regular trousers that say "DON'T LAUGH AT ME" on the butt in easy-to-see purple sequinned letters. This prevents the 537,218th most common cause of heart attacks, and is expected to save almost as many lives as the introduction ten years ago of Doritos with slightly rounded corners. -> Scientists Create 'Neo-Tissue' At last, humans will be two-ply! -> Nanoparticles Used to Beat Brain Cancer And if you ever feel like you have cancer, just shine the Batsignal out your window and he'll come to cure you with his utility belt full of super-effective nanonanonanonanonanonanonanoparticles. And in world news from November 9, 2001, CNN has all the important events archived: => Prince Charles protester faces jail => => November 9, 2001 Posted: 5:28 AM EST (1028 GMT) => => RIGA, Latvia -- A Latvian schoolgirl who slapped Britain's Prince Charles => with a bunch of flowers faces up to 15 years in prison after being charged => with endangering the life of a foreign dignitary, police said. That may seem harsh, but we have to remember that flowers do endanger lives -- especially killweed, murderflower, the Venus Deathtrap, and whatever kind of buttercups grow on the backs of those little frogs that kill you if you touch them. And in finance: -> Dynegy to buy Enron for $7.8B -> -> November 9, 2001 Posted: 2322 GMT -> -> NEW YORK (CNN/Money) -- Dynegy Inc. finally agreed Friday to acquire -> larger rival Enron Corp. a deal valued at $7.8 billion stock swap. So you see, nothing important happened on November 9, 2001. Everything was fine. Enron was worth billions of dollars, Prince Charles survived a brush with posies, and trousers were magic. -- K. Dynegy is the company with the biggest butt: http://www.dynegy.com/downloads/Run_s4c.bmp ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I never thought I'd say this Date: Mon, 7 Oct 2002 01:40:27 GMT [on giving out Halloween candy] Wiblur the Once (jchapman@aros.net) wrote: > > I recomend this: One year I had no candy on hand and had successfully > ignored the little rugrats until some friends came over and brought their > 5-year old. Having no candy, I went on a search of the fridge and found > the only transportable thing in there was a packaged slice of cheese. > > When I dropped that baby in her bag, she had the most dissapointed look > on her face as she said: "A piece of cheese!!!11!!" It was mega-funny, in > a had-to-be there kind of way. Imagine what kiddies who aren't your > friends would think. In no time, you would become the "don't go to this > old cogger's house, he gives out slices of cheese!" man and would never > have to worry about them coming around again. HEY! I was never a girl, even when I was five years old and you ruined my Halloween FOREVER! As a result I've devoted my life to becoming the richest man who ever lived so that I can buy all the Fabergˇ eggs in the world and throw them at your house next Halloween. Now I must go clone some dinosaurs just so that I can ring your doorbell and run away, after leaving a flaming bag of dino poo. -- K. You're the worst Spartacat ever! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Rooster rage! Date: Mon, 7 Oct 2002 04:01:03 GMT An St. Petersburg (Florida) Times article dated October 4, cited at Rotten.com: -> -> Rampaging rooster attacks Pinellas girl -> By KELLEY BENHAM -> -> TARPON SPRINGS -- When they heard the screams, no one suspected the rooster. At last, I have found a newspaper article written by someone who really knows how to make a simple, declarative sentence come alive. That's a great sentence and I want to see it again. Here are some contexts in which it could be used: "It was the psychiatrists' annual convention. When they heard the screams, no one suspected the rooster." "The chocolate was blended with the creamy goodness of the strawberry yogurt. When they heard the screams, no one suspected the rooster." "The rabbits had rifles and the turtle toted a grenade. When they heard the screams, no one suspected the rooster." Of course, after that wonderful sentence, I expect this article will go downhill. I will be highly surprised if it continues to be this interesting. For instance, the second sentence probably won't talk about Easy-Bake Ovens. -> Dechardonae Gaines, 2, was toddling down the sidewalk Monday lugging her -> Easy Bake Oven when she became the victim in one of the weirder animal -> attack cases police can recall. Clearly she did not know that, for centuries, roosters have been the arch-enemy of Easy-Bake. She's lucky she wasn't holding a Hello Kitty doll. Vampires hate Hello Kitty. -> In the cluster of beige houses at Lime Street (my head explodes with delight as this article continues to paint a beautiful, surrealistically-hued picture of a world gone mad, a whirling maelstrom of toddlers, roosters, Easy-Bake ovens, and green houses that are beige and vice versa) -> and Safford Avenue where Dechardonae lives, man and chicken have -> coexisted peacefully for years in quiet defiance of city ordinance. -> -> That ended Monday afternoon, when authorities apprehended the offending -> rooster, named Rockadoodle Two, and its sister, named Hen. Hen was not -> involved in the attack, police said. -> -> The rooster struck around noon as Dechardonae ventured from her house in -> the middle of the cluster to visit her Uncle Tony, waiting in the -> driveway. It's a short walk, even if you're 3 feet tall and carrying a toy -> oven. -> -> Tony Kramer, 44, heard the little girl shrieking, spun around, and saw the -> rooster. -> -> Rockadoodle Two had knocked the 27-pound girl flat on her belly and was -> pummeling her with beak, claws and blue-black wings. -> -> "He was beating the crap out of her," said her mother, Lori Current, 27. -> "A freaking rooster, you know?" -> -> Kramer ran for the girl, snatched her up by one arm and chased the bird -> off, waving his arms and shouting, "Oooh, get! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!" -> -> The man and the girl had taken about three steps when the rooster attacked -> again, knocking the screaming girl to the grass a second time. -> -> Kramer swatted at the rooster, backhanded, and it shuffled off. -> -> He could not pick the girl up because he has a bad hip, he said, so he -> took his niece by the hand and headed for her mother's house. -> -> But Rockadoodle Two flew at the girl a third time, latched onto her narrow -> shoulders and hammered at her face from behind. -> -> Kramer knocked the rooster down, but it didn't run away this time. It -> glared at him. -> -> So he kicked it. -> -> The bird flew to a porch nearby, still staring. It puffed its chest and -> ruffled its feathers. -> -> "He just sat there, all bold," Current said. -> -> "That chicken was not scared," Kramer said. -> -> The neighborhood has never had any chicken trouble beyond the usual -> scratching and crowing, Kramer said. -> -> Everybody there knew Rockadoodle Two. Neighbors described the rooster as a -> normally well-behaved bird from a good family. Its father, Rockadoodle, -> and mother, one-legged Henny Penny, lived in the neighborhood until their -> deaths by pit bull and heat stroke, respectively. You see, this is why Rockadoodle Two hates Easy-Bake Ovens -- its mother died of heat stroke after the girl attempted to follow the Easy-Bake recipe for fried chicken, which involves baking for twelve hours at eighty degrees. -> Everyone knows Dechardonae too. She travels door-to-door in her too-big -> flip flops chatting with neighbors. She used to pet Rockadoodle Two when -> it was a chick. -> -> Kramer raised Rockadoodle Two's father. He did not own the son, but -> thought well of the bird until this, he said. -> -> "I had known him since he was an egg," Kramer said. -> -> That did not matter to Current when she called authorities. -> -> The call surprised police, she said. -> -> A chicken? they asked. -> -> "Come and get him now," she told them. "I am not going to rest." -> -> Hen was captured easily, but Rockadoodle Two led six people on a chase. -> They flushed the bird out from under a house with a cane fishing pole. But -> the rooster dodged the Humane Society officer's net, eluded a couple of -> flying grabs, shucked and bobbed and skittered through the sandspurs and -> weeds. Finally, the officer tackled him. -> -> "This was no scrawny rooster," Current said. -> -> Rockadoodle and Hen were taken to the Humane Society of North Pinellas, -> said executive director Rick Chaboudy. From there, they were sent for -> rehabilitation in Odessa, probably permanently, he said. I don't know if that's Odessa, Florida or Odessa, Ukraine. If it's the one in Ukraine, then there's a chance that Rockadoodle Two will get made into Chicken Kiev using an old Soviet-made imitation of an Easy-Bake Oven -- the huge, clunky Tractor-Bake Oven that takes thirty-seven hours just to make borscht warm enough to eat. -> This is the city's first rooster attack in recent memory, said Tarpon -> Springs Police Sgt. Jeffrey Young. -> -> "It does not appear to be epidemic," he said. Contagious rooster attacks! Now there's an idea. "Uh oh! You just used a dirty telephone! Within twenty-four hours, you'll be pecked!" -> But keeping chickens in city neighborhoods is illegal, although police did -> not cite any residents in this case. -> -> Rockadoodle is the second Tarpon Springs rooster to make news in recent -> months. This year, a woman battling cancer befriended a stray rooster -> named Roosty and declared the bird her guardian angel. -> -> The city told the woman the rooster had to go, and the controversy died -> only when Roosty did. It was killed by a raccoon in August. -> -> Police were unaware of the chickens in Dechardonae's neighborhood, but -> residents there say the birds are scattered in back yards all over town. -> -> "This right here is why we have those kinds of ordinances, so 2-year-olds -> can walk down the driveway safely," Young said. Yeah, it would be great if those 2-year-olds could be safe while playing with their electrically-operated stoves. -> Dechardonae was shaken after the attack but is recovering fine. Her -> scratches are almost gone; her right eye is barely puffy. ...you know, just like bread that's been baking in an Easy-Bake since January. -> She hid in the house after the attack but said chickens don't worry her now. -> -> "He gone," she said of the rooster. "The police got him." -> -> -- Kelley Benham can be reached at (727) 445-4182 or benham@sptimes.com. If you folks will excuse me, I have to go write a fan letter. -- K. "When they heard the screams, no one suspected the rooster." October 4, 2002 -- the day America changed forever: From now on, we will always suspect the rooster. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Today's bizarre propaganda moment. Date: Wed, 9 Oct 2002 07:11:41 GMT I just saw this TV commercial: A dumb-looking Anglo guy is in a fancy clothing store. He approaches a counter and asks the Asian-American clerk for a wallet. She says: "Ah... cerebrating high school graduration?" "No, I dropped out." "Ahh..." She turns to the other clerk, a handsome Asian-American guy, and the two of them begin discussing the customer in their native language, and laughing at him. Then the male clerk fetches him a wallet. It's half-size. He asks, "Isn't it a little small?" and they laugh at him some more. The screen shows the snappy catchphrase "Dropouts make 42% less money than graduates." Then, "Stay in school. Give yourself a chance." Now, the people who made this weirdly defective attempt at pro-social propaganda are apparently trying to convince me to graduate from school (too late, folks.) How are they trying to do this? By telling me (a) High school dropouts will get laughed at by evil Asian stereotypes. or maybe (b) If you drop out, you won't get to learn to speak fluent Cantonese during your senior year and you won't know they're saying "doltish round-eye hatched-faced hillbilly". or maybe (c) Dropouts only get credit cards, not full-size paper money. or maybe (d) Stay in school so you can be smart like those Asian-Americans. or maybe (e) Only a dropout would be stupid enough to shop in a store run by jerks. It's one of the weirdest, most misconceived propaganda commercials I've ever seen. "Stay in school, and hate Asian-Americans!" The message that Asian-Americans are mean comes through much more strongly than anything about getting a diploma. I've studied the whole commercial in slow motion, and have detected a tiny yellow and brown star in the bottom right corner of the screen during the last second. Examining it through a magnifying glass revealed six tiny specks which appear to spell out "U S ARMY". You may have noticed that they recently redesigned the Army's recruitment logo in urine yellow and poop brown. But why is the Army telling me to stay in school instead of enlisting? I recently read an article about how the Army was happy that nowadays, more of the volunteer enlistees have some college education (thanks to ROTC, I suppose) than in previous decades. Apparently the reason for this commercial is that the Army doesn't like having their tanks driven by high school dropouts... or Asian-Americans. Commercials for the armed forces are usually screwy (such as the ones for the Marines which promise that you'll get to play "Dungeons & Dragons" in Hell if you enlist, or the ones for the Air Force that tell you that practically promise YOU get to fly the space shuttle on your first day) but I've never before seen one this overtly racist. Why, precisely, does the guy have to be humiliated by two Asian-Americans? I don't know what language they're speaking (sounds like Mandarin or Cantonese to me, but what do I know?) and the closed-caption track just says "[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]". If anyone out there in Internet-land sees this commercial and can translate, I'd love to know precisely how rotten the other half of this commercial is. You can voluntarily expose yourself to the commercial here: http://www.operationgraduation.com Oh, wait, never mind -- turns out that that site has posted the full script of the commercial, with translations, because if there's one thing the teens of today love, it's going on the Internet to read written transcripts of propaganda commercials they've seen. (Kids who hate school spend their free time reading written transcripts.) Here's the commercial's script, exactly as they typed it: -> Kid: "I'm looking for a wallet" -> -> Saleswoman: "Ahhh..." -> -> Medium Shot of saleswoman -> -> Saleswoman: "...celebrating high school graduation?" -> -> Kid: "No, I didn't graduate." -> -> Saleswoman: "Ahhh.." -> -> Wide Shot of kid in store talking to saleswoman -> -> Saleswoman (in Chinese):: "Sing, ...this person wants to buy a wallet" -> -> Medium Shot of saleswoman -> -> Wide Shot of kid in store talking to sales woman as man in background -> walks up to counter -> -> Medium Shot of kid from the side -> -> Saleswoman (in Chinese):: "Take a look at him" -> -> Medium Shot of back of kid's head with saleswoman on left and -> man on right -> -> Salesman: "He looks like he's stunned" -> -> Saleswoman (in Chinese):: "Its really sad... he could not graduate -> from high school" -> -> Close Up of kid looking both ways -> -> Saleswoman (in Chinese):: "I'll be back" -> -> Medium Shot as salesman walks away camera pan to saleswoman as she -> laughs and smiles. -> -> Medium Shot of kid from side as salesman hands him a mini wallet. -> -> Medium Shot of back of kid's head with saleswoman on left and man -> on right -> -> Close Up of kids hands opening the tiny wallet -> -> Kid: "Um" -> -> Close Up of kid looking at wallet -> -> Kid: "Isn't it a little small" -> -> Medium Shot of saleswoman and salesman laughing as kid looks at wallet -> -> Close Up of kid looking at wallet turns head to side -> -> White title drops into black background: Dropouts make 43% less money -> than graduates -> -> White title on black background in center: Stay in school. Give -> yourself a chance. -> -> Title at bottom: Operationgraduation.com -> -> A Public Service Announcement from the U.S. Army and the -> Advertising Council. Other than that this pro-education ad was written by people who don't know how to spell the word "it's" or how to punctuate or how to write good propaganda, it's evident that the economy is in serious trouble, as between the time I saw the commercial and the time I read the script graduates earned a whole percent less money. By tomorrow they'll be earning 300% less. As the US Army says on this site, -> The US Army www.goarmy.com has partnered with the Ad Council -> www.adcouncil.org to develop a public service advertising campaign -> to demonstrate the importance of staying in school and obtaining a -> high school diploma. The campaign is called Operation Graduation and -> it is the Army's way of giving back to the community; it is in no -> way related to the US Army's recruitment campaign. "The US Army is proud to bring you this advertisement about how the US Army is not advertising." Oh, shut up. Do you think I'll get a grenade tossed through my window if I were to say THE ARMY IS AN ASSHOLE! ? -- K. Also, why is the woman wearing a croissant as a lapel pin? Is she Doctor Who? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Today's bizarre propaganda moment. Date: Sun, 13 Oct 2002 05:46:04 GMT Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Don't get me started on my 10th grade English teacher, Mrs. Davis. > > Mrs. Davis did NOT want creativity in her book reports. Each book > report was supposed to be in two sections. The first section was > supposed to summarize the book. The second section was to be entitled > "What This Book Meant To Me". Most books mean I spent a bunch of money on a book instead of something more entertaining, like a bag of Funyuns and a couple lottery scratchers. I love books, it's just that I don't love all books, and so if you threw a random one at me I'd probably say "OW!" and "I'd rather have Funyuns." Other books I would say "This is better than Funyuns, but not as good as the quantity of Funyuns you'd have to have to make yourself throw up," or "This book is even better than Funyuns would be if they contained real onion." There. I have now collectively reviewed all the books in the world. Thus, there is now no need for school. > Given no opportunity to be creative in our reports, we were forced to > be creative in our choice of books. We were supposed to do one on a > dramatic work, so a friend of mine read "Hair". We were supposed to > do another on a biography or autobiography, so I read "Mein Kampf". > Well, I claimed I read "Mein Kampf". Actually I read about the first > 30 pages, and from there on just read the translator's footnotes. That's the sort of book where you can get away with that, since you know it probably won't end with Hitler hugging a basket full of puppies to express his happiness at winning an Oscar for his touching performance as Patch Adams. (Incidentally, if you took that movie and replaced Robin Williams with Hitler, it would _still_ be sappy.) I would assume Hitler is evil all the way through the book, unless it's one of those editions from the 1970s that has cigarette ads bound into the middle, in which case different people are evil during those two extra-stiff pages. > We both got As. We both always got As. Mrs. Davis worshipped us, for > some reason. Chastely, thank god, but worshipped. As opposed to our > friend Doug, who for equally obscure reasons she hated. He'd turn in > work about, I'd say, 90% as good as mine, and get Ds. It's a curve. Everything is always on a curve, because of the Coriolis Effect. So when someone says "Your review of 'Patch Adams' was slanted, especially when you said the movie could be improved by adding Hitler," you can say "It's not slanted, it's curved! Science says it has to be. It's proved in every book about the physics of movie reviews. Also, if you disagree with me, you're worse than Hitler and Patch Adams combined!" > There was poetry. We were supposed to read a poem, and then she'd > explain to us what the poem meant. She knew what it meant, because > she'd read what it meant in some book. Then we'd have a quiz, in > which we were supposed to tell her what the same poem meant. > According to her. Or her book. There should be a law that teachers have to write book reports on the book they read in teaching school, and any student who circles anything stupid in that book report gets access to the secret other cafeteria the teachers use, where the hamburgers don't taste like they were cooked in the vapors over a Mattel Vac-U-Form. > And one time she handed out some books to us, and gave us each an > index card on which we were supposed to write our name and the number > written on the inside front cover of the book, so when book number 37 > went missing she'd know who to blame. Then turn in the cards, and > we'd have the rest of the period to start our reading assignment. I > started writing my name on the card and, oops, misspelled my own name. > How embarrassing. I crossed it out, flipped the card over, and wrote > the name and book number on the other side. Turned in the card, > started reading. > > You're way ahead of me, right? Five minutes later along comes > Mrs. Davis with a new, blank index card, telling me she wants me to do > it over and this time *use the side with the lines on it*. So did you draw some lines on the blank side and write between them? Or did you use the lined side but write perpendicularly to the lines? Or did you do it entirely in Morse code so that it could be entirely on the lines? I know you must have done something like that, because you ended up here. Me, I got sent here for only coloring up-and-down and not up-and-down-then- side-to-side in coloring class because I didn't like cross-hatched grass. -- K. What was the book she assigned? Something like "Index Cards For Advanced Wastage: How To Turn A Simple List Of Names Into A Big Brick"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Today's bizarre propaganda moment. Date: Fri, 11 Oct 2002 05:49:43 GMT Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > It's one of the weirdest, most misconceived propaganda commercials I've > > ever seen. > > Probably the nastiest on my personal plane of existence is a radio > commercial, also from the US government, but about fat chicks. It's got > some snide guy talking about how he can't wait to have a girlfriend who > wears a muumuu and who "unhinges her jaw" to down a whole quart of ice > cream. Then some snide lady comes on and says, "Trust me, ladies, you > will *never* find a guy like this." They then say go outside, move around > a little, or else you'll never date again. Which arm of the government did this? The Bureau Of No Fat Chicks, or the super-secret Department Of Ogling? Oops, I wasn't supposed to mention the existence of the vast Department Of Ogling, which tunnels under women's locker rooms and inserts periscopes from below. My bad. I guess now I'll have to turn in my Federal Breast Inspector badge. -- K. At least I still have my other stupid badge from a bogus organzation, the one that says "Mensa Officer". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.anthropology,rec.video,sci.logic,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: THE PERSON POSTING UNDER THE NAME DAVE DELANEY IN THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE IS REALLY MY EVIL BROTHER DAVID BERNIER THAT IS SICK-MENTALLY AND THAT PRESENTS CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR: MESSAGE SENT FROM COMMANDER MICHEL BERNIER (JESUS-CHRIST OF 2000 YEARS AGO) Date: Fri, 11 Oct 2002 06:50:32 GMT Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium [in response to a big ol' sugar pie of blather] In sci.anthropology, rec.video, sci.logic, and alt.religion.kibology, Michel Bernier (stmichelber@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > > > > > MY VERY SICK-MENTALLY BROTHER DAVID BERNIER HAS > > > DEFAMED ME ALL ACCROSS INTERNET: I AM MISTER > > > MICHEL BERNIER, MEDICAL ANTHROPOLOGIST AND > > > PHARMACOLOGIST WITH AN INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT OF > > > 150 AND MY EVIL BROTHER DAVID HAS ALWAYS BEEN > > > JEALOUS OF ME BECAUSE I KNOW MEDECINE AND POLITICS > > > BETTER THAN HIM, I HAVE HAD ALSO NUNEROUS > > > GIRLFRIENDS AND HE HAS HAD NONE: > > > [...] > > > SIR, > > > > > > My political ideas are the best ones and I am already winning > > > the > > > > > > game in Quebec and also in Canada: I have sent all my political ideas > > > to > > > > > > Mr. Jean Chretien, the Prime-minister of Canada and he will apply all > > > my > > > > > > ideas in all their minute details. David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > Oh wow. This time it's in HALF ALL CAPS _and_ semidoublespaced! No > > wait, even better, it's _tetraterraced_! > > > > Dave "watch out, Kibo, I think he's challenging you and Manley Hubbel > > simultaneously to a FONT SUPREMACY BATTLE along the imaginary axis!" > > DeLaney Michel Bernier (stmichelber@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > THE EVIL PERSON POSTING UNDER THE NAME Dave Delaney IS REALLY MY > VERY-SICK MENTALLY BROTHER DAVID THAT WILL PAY FOR ALL HIS WRONGDOING > . HE POST MESSAGES UNDER ALL SORTS OF SILLY NAMES BECAUSE HE IS CRAZY > AND HE SPENDS HIS TIME PLAYING TRICKS ON OTHER MEMBERS OF GOOGLE > GROUPS. HE IS A LIAR AND DESERVES NO CREDIT FOR WHAT HE SAYS. > REMEMBER, THIS EVIL BROTHER DAVID IS A COMPUTER PROGRAMMIST AND HE > KNOWS NUMEROUS COMPUTER TRICKS. > > AMEN. AINSI-SOIT-IL. Dear Michel Bernier, I would just like to say that you are (ding!) Excuse me, that bell means it's time for me to say something nice about everyone and everything I've ever known, owned, or seen. I'll get back to you later. Dear trousers, Thank you for being so considerate in having the same number of legs as me -- two! You are soft and warm and not tweed. You are one of the best things in the world and I love you. Dear underpants, Thank you for keeping my body from touching my filthy filthy trousers. You are soft and warm and your elastic works as advertised. You are one of the best things in the world and I love you. Dear socks, Thank you for being so easy to take off, even without using my hands (unlike my gloves.) You are soft and warm and never put yourselves on the wrong part of my body by accident. You are one of the best things in the world and I love you. Dear sock lint, Thank you for coming out of my socks so that my socks would have less lint in them. You are soft and warm just like my socks except under my bed in case I ever fall under there and need something to hug. You are one of the best things in the world and I love you. Dear diaper #637, Although it has been many years since I wore you in 1968, thank you for being one of the ten best diapers I ever wore. You were soft and warm and were not responsible for the actions of the pointy diaper pins which were sold separately. You were there when I needed you even though I never did. My one regret is that I spilled grape juice on you so my mommy took you away before you could fulfill your function in life, to eat my poo. You were one of the best things in the world and I love you. Dear poo, Every day I am thankful for your existence, because if there was no such thing as poo, I would keep getting bigger and bigger until I exploded in a massive burst of whatever there would be if poo had not been invented. You are soft and warm and you are one of the best things in the world and I love you. Dear Michel Bernier, You are an idiot. Please go away. -- K. P.S. I have an I.Q. of 1500, and all my girlfriends are more nunerous than yours, especially Sister Sextacular Of The Order Of The Perpetually Sexxxy With Three Xs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.activism.peacefire,alt.activism.community,alt.activism.student,alt.religion.kibology,sci.psychology.psychotherapy From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I AM READING 3 NEW BOOKS: ANTHROPOLOGY, BY HERZFELD, L,,AVENIR DE L,ENVIRONNEMENT MONDIAL3-GEO-3 AND A NEW BOOK OF PSYCHIATRIC NEUROSCIENCE: I HAVE AN INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT OF 150 AND I WILL UNITE ALL OF THESE BOOKS IN ONE SINGLE MESSAGE THAT I WIL Date: Fri, 11 Oct 2002 06:54:28 GMT Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In alt.activism.peacefire, alt.activism.community, alt.activism.student, alt.religion.kibology, and sci.psychology.psychotherapy, Michel Bernier (stmichelber@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > I AM ARCHANGEL ST-MICHAEL ( JEUS-CHRIST) WITH A IQ OF 150 What, do you have to have an IQ of 151 to find the "caps lock" these days? > AND THE FUTURE WILL PROVE ME RIGHT: PARADISE WILL APPEAR ON YEAR 2020 > LIKE I KNOW IT WILL BECAUSE THE GREEK GODS ARE CONTROLLING EVERYTHING > THAT HAPPENS AND MY SYLLY, DAFT AND IDIOT BROTHER DAVID BERNIER WILL PAY > FOR ALL THE SINNING HE HAS DONE TOWARDS ME. Don't you mean all the sylling he's done towards ye? > AMEN. AINSI-SOIT-IL. > > COMMANDER BERNIER Oh, go syl yourself. -- K. Aren't you the guy from "The Secret City"? No, wait, he was Commander Mark, and he wasn't nearly as weird. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: And when the needle went in, it made a sound... SQUICK! SQUICK! Date: Fri, 11 Oct 2002 07:31:37 GMT Warning: Don't read this. I said, don't read this! You have been warned. From a South African newspaper's Web site (The Independent Online, iol.co.za): -> -> Tattoo artist has an eye for precision -> -> October 08 2002 at 09:48PM -> -> By Wendy Knowler -> -> Picture the scene. A patient lies unconscious in an Entabeni Hospital, -> Durban, theatre, surrounded by an anaesthetist, his ophthalmic surgeon, -> the theatre sister and a burly tattoo artist -- his own vibrant tattoos -> only partially obscured by his official green theatre garb. -> -> On Tuesday morning, former policeman and Durban tattoo artist Dave Edwards -> got his five minutes of fame as the central figure in a groundbreaking -> cornea tattooing procedure. I DEMAND TO SEE THE MANAGER OF THIS THEATER AND GET MY MONEY BACK! -> That's how long it took him to transform the patient's hideously -> disfigured eye into one which could pass for normal. Why is this in the newspaper? Why am I reading this? Isn't there a law against printing stories about people having needles stuck into "hideously disfigured" eyeballs? I'd just like to say one word... EWWW!!!!!!!!!!!! EWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -> The unusual collaboration between Edwards and ophthalmic surgeon Dr -> Jeanette Carlisle began several months ago, borne out of her desire to -> help her patient, a man in his late forties who wished to remain anonymous -> and declined to speak to The Mercury. I'm glad someone had the sense to try to keep stuff this gross out of the newspaper. Sure, I know this procedure happens all the time in real life. It might even be going on upstairs from you right now. I just don't think any of us needs to hear about eyeballs getting probed with pointies. NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO READ ABOUT EYEBALLS GETTING NEEDLED! Incidentally, the letter "V" in Bitstream's "Old Dreadful No. 7" font looks like three darts jammed into an eyeball. If someone has a printed copy of The Independent from South Africa, please let me know if this article was printed in Old Dreadful No. 7 -- you'll be able to tell by checking whether the "A" looks like a pile of doody. (Yes, I own a license for that font, but only because it was included on a CD I bought that had 499 other fonts, none of which contained letters that look like eyeballs with pointy things stuck into them.) -> 'The cornea, instead of being dark, was greyish and very unsightly' -> -> "He'd injured his eye in an accident in 1975 and after a series of -> operations the eye was sightless and discoloured," she said. -> -> "The cornea, instead of being dark, was greyish, blending with the white -> of the eye, which was very unsightly." -> -> But because he was in no pain, he was reluctant to have it removed and -> replaced with a glass eye. Yeah, he wouldn't want the pain of having it removed, just having dye injected into it several thousand times a minute for four hours. -> "Tattooing of the cornea is covered in the text books, but not performed -> successfully here," Dr Carlisle said. Yeah, especially if the hospital isn't advanced enough to have discovered contact lenses. -> "A colleague of mine tried it once, importing ink at great cost and -> spending about four hours painstakingly applying it to a patient's eye, -> but it didn't work. -> -> "I was driving past Dave's studio in Florida Road and decided to ask -> his advice," Dr Carlisle said. -> -> And so began months of experimentation. -> -> "(Dr Carlisle) would bring me the eyes of pigs to practice on, because -> they are the closest to human eyes, and I spent hours experimenting - -> she'd take the eyes away and do cross-sections to see how far the ink had -> penetrated. The results were extremely encouraging." I liked the part where she took the eyes away from the guy with the needle. I didn't like the other parts. They caused deep psychic scarring in my eyes. -> Dr Carlisle duly obtained hospital permission for Edwards's "unorthodox" -> use of the theatre, and he arrived early on Tuesday morning with his -> apparatus. -> -> "I was wearing a short-sleeved shirt so my tattoes were visible, and -> someone actually asked me if I was in the right place." I have ten tattoes on my tatfeet. I can even make them wiggle. And the best part is that they're not the temporary kind! I got tired of my toes falling off in the bathtub, so I got them permanently implanted, which didn't hurt because it was at the end of my body furthest from my eyes. -> But it was a different story when Edwards, suitably attired and scrubbed -> up, got to work. -> -> "I could sense them regarding me in a different light," he said. "When we -> compared the two eyes afterwards, it was a perfect match, and the medical -> people gave me a little round of applause. I'd do it again in a -> heartbeat." -> -> Just as well; Dr Carlisle said her colleagues would have patients "lining -> up" for the procedure when the word got out. It could be the in thing for those kids today, going to raves with their ecstasy and their glow sticks and their mohawks! -> "It was a very impressive performance... he was confident and relaxed, not -> at all fazed by the theatre environment, and the result was incredible -- -> a perfect match," she said. -> -> "My patient is going to be so excited when we remove the dressing and let -> him have a look on Wednesday." -> -> Asked how much he earned for his services, Edwards laughed. "The subject -> of payment did come up, but I told them I got so much out of it, I should -> have paid them! -> -> "If it becomes a regular thing, I suppose we'll have to come to some -> arrangement." Please arrange it so the NEEDLES ARE NOT NEAR THE EYEBALLS IN THE NEWSPAPER or I'll cancel my subscription. Oh, and thanks for inviting the newspaper photographer to come take a photo of you sticking the thing into the eye in the middle of the operation. Thankfully, I was already through eating for the week. -- K. To the right of the article is a cheerful little box: -> TOP FIVE STORIES -> -> Train mangles woman tied to tracks -> [etc.] I think I WILL cancel my subscription. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: And when the needle went in, it made a sound... SQUICK! SQUICK! Date: Sat, 12 Oct 2002 05:22:57 GMT Lee Merkel (leemerkel@peoplepc.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO READ ABOUT EYEBALLS GETTING NEEDLED! > > Not when they can pop Bunuel's "Un Chien Andalou" into the VCR > and watch an eyeball get sliced open with a razor blade! That's okay, it wasn't real, it was just a movie. I only meant I didn't want anyone describing eyeballs getting stabbed in the newspaper. Stupid movie critics have already spoiled the endings of enough movies, I don't need them telling me the plot twists of Surrealist masterpieces. And what's to stop them from going on to Constructivist movies? "It turned out it was the slogan for Rezinotrest's new ties!" AAAAAUUUUGHHHH! I HATE THESE IMAGINARY MOVIE CRITICS! -- K. Do you think that Maya on "Space: 1999" could turn into a razor blade? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Post hoc ergo propter hoc Date: Fri, 11 Oct 2002 07:46:48 GMT Eli M. Balin (elibalin@panix.com) wrote: > > Updating my web page made my sea monkeys die again. You should have been happy enough after the first time, when you discovered that not updating your Web page made them rise from the dead. But you weren't happy enough with live Sea-Monkeys, oh no, you had to kill them again -- kill them with a COMPUTER, like a crazed super-villain in a Hasselhoff movie. Next you'll invent a beam that makes digital wristwatches explode, and the only way to protect myself will be to wear an energy shield mask which I must refer to as "This! Is! An! Energy! Shield! Mask!" when I come into the movie to replace Marjoe Gortner, and then the closing credits will misspell the title of the movie. Sadly, those are three separate Hasselhoff movies I've seen. I even have a special VHS package of two David Hasselhoff cassettes in a gift box, but I haven't watched those, because I'm not obsessed with David Hasselhoff or anything. I'm not sure what I'm going to be obsessed with this month -- last month it was hockey jerseys, then before that there was that month where I kept talking about Dippin' Dots and why I hate them, and before that there was the summer where I spent eight hundred hours writing reviews of why the movie "Baby Geniuses" wasted ninety minutes of my precious time. But I promise you I will not become obsessed with David Hasselhoff if you promise not to blow up my wristwatch. Also, my Web site is keeping thousands of Sea-Monkeys alive all over the world. But I may be forced to update it if the Sea-Monkeys don't start paying me. -- K. I'll know you're David Hasselhoff if your Web site shoots James Doohan for no reason. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Shoo! Date: Fri, 11 Oct 2002 08:16:15 GMT Chris ''Koala3K'' Slat (penguin56@nospam.tdi.net) wrote: > > There is a tiny insect crawling on my computer screen. For some reason, > I automatically tried to bat it off with the cursor. When I got a really good pinball game for my laptop computer, and the ball got stuck in a nice realistic manner, I actually shook the computer for a moment before I realized I was supposed to press a key to nudge it. Either this means I have an organic brain disorder, or else I'm just really really really good at pinball and normally never need to shake the machine because I'm just that good that I can win without a single nudge. Hey folks, am I good at pinball? -- K. Check this box to say "No, Kibo, you're AWESOME at pinball!" --> [ ] ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: If You Could Be Granted 1 Wish... Date: Fri, 11 Oct 2002 08:26:37 GMT Dag Right-square-bracket-gren (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > In some trains here in Finland, there are doors that have an outline of a > hand on them, in brass, to symbolize that you should just push the door to > open it. > > BUT THAT HAND! THAT FREAKY FREAKY BRASS HAND THING! HAS SIX FINGERS! > > WHAT THE HELL? > > They've had them for at least TEN YEARS now. How the FUCK did this freaky > thing ever get built and put into use? SIX FINGERS! Did not ONE SINGLE > PERSON involved in the process of designing and building these train > carriages NOTICE that the HUMAN HAND usually has FIVE FINGERS? > > AAAAAAAAAAAH! Is it true that the trains' lavatories also have everything wired up so that you push a row of little buttons to raise the toilet seat, flush the toilet, turn on the hot water, turn on the cold water, etc.? And if so, are there six of these buttons? And if so, and you press all six buttons at the same time, does a big screen light up saying "YOU WIN! FINLAND AND ITS TRAINS WERE JUST AN EXPERIMENT TO SEE WHO WOULD BE THE FIRST SUPER-HUMAN GENIUS TO EVOLVE SIX FINGERS!" and then your head would swell up and go bald and you'd wander around the town yelling "YOUR IGNORANCE MAKES ME ILL AND ANGRY!" while you kill people with your mind? If so, then Finland's at least half as weird as I think it is. -- K. Because Finnish is an agglutinative language, I can say that your country is Polydactylwackyfragiliciousexpialidocious! Now I must go figure out how Dick Van Dyke made his pants change shape during the penguin scene. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: If You Could Be Granted 1 Wish... Date: Sat, 12 Oct 2002 05:01:03 GMT Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > > > > [...] and then your head would swell up and go bald and you'd wander > > around the town yelling "YOUR IGNORANCE MAKES ME ILL AND ANGRY!" > > while you kill people with your mind? > > > > If so, then Finland's at least half as weird as I think it is. > > I finally figured it out. > > Reading Kibo while in a normal state of mind is like reading any other > average Kibologist while stoned out of your mind on legal painkillers. See, it actually makes so much sense that it was so obvious that I almost didn't post it, but I'll explain it so that you can stop making me so ill and angry. We were talking about how superintelligent beings would have six fingers, so I quoted David McCallum in the black and white "Outer Limits" episode "The Sixth Finger", in which he is exposed to radiation which turns him from an Irishman into a super-intelligent guy with a big bald head and six fingers, which allows him to play the piano (I guess he was originally born without a piano finger) and then he goes on a rampage and uses his brain to knock of cop off his motorcycle and says "YOUR IGNORANCE MAKES ME ILL AND ANGRY! YOUR SAVAGENESS MUST END!" and then they show the opening titles and then it all happens again except that this time they show the episode all the way through, and instead of ending the motorcycle cop's savagenessity and/or savagenessoidalism he says "YOUR IGNORANCE MAKES ME ILL AND ANGRY! YOUR SAVAGENESS MUST END!" and then just looks sad for a moment and then walks away because now he's evolved past the capacity to kill, even when people are flaunting their outrageous savagenessitude, and then his girlfriend puts him back into the evolution machine but she turns the evolution crank the wrong way so he turns back into an Irishman and then he turns into a caveman but then she decides to turn him back into an Irishman and also Edward Mulhare is a scientist instead of a ghost or Knight Rider's boss. The End. If you need more I can summarize the plot of the episode "Counterweight" ("and then the lightning bolt crawled up the wall and went into his ear and gave him a dolly and then the fiddlehead fern chased him around!") or "The Duplicate Man" ("so the alien was just pretending to be stuffed by holding still in the museum for ten years but then he got free and because the guy couldn't tell anyone about it he had himself cloned so that he could send the clone after it but because the monster was telepathic it told the clone he was a clone and he seduced the wife of the guy he was cloned from") or even the one where everyone wanted to kill James Shigeta because he liked poetry. I loved that show and now, of course, they've ruined it. The old show was wonderfully unpredictable ("and then at the nuclear power plant the cleaning lady sucked up a ball of lint with her vacuum cleaner and a monster came out") but the new one is, well, not even a rip-off of the right show. It really needs someone to come in and weird it up a bunch. Either that or they should just end every episode with Wil Wheaton blowing up the Earth to end our ignorance and savagenessalisticism. I liked the end of that one, even if they forgot that real planets aren't football-shaped. -- K. Oh, and Finland is now at least three-quarters as weird as I think it is.