Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Today's bizarre propaganda moment. Date: Fri, 11 Oct 2002 05:49:43 GMT Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > It's one of the weirdest, most misconceived propaganda commercials I've > > ever seen. > > Probably the nastiest on my personal plane of existence is a radio > commercial, also from the US government, but about fat chicks. It's got > some snide guy talking about how he can't wait to have a girlfriend who > wears a muumuu and who "unhinges her jaw" to down a whole quart of ice > cream. Then some snide lady comes on and says, "Trust me, ladies, you > will *never* find a guy like this." They then say go outside, move around > a little, or else you'll never date again. Which arm of the government did this? The Bureau Of No Fat Chicks, or the super-secret Department Of Ogling? Oops, I wasn't supposed to mention the existence of the vast Department Of Ogling, which tunnels under women's locker rooms and inserts periscopes from below. My bad. I guess now I'll have to turn in my Federal Breast Inspector badge. -- K. At least I still have my other stupid badge from a bogus organzation, the one that says "Mensa Officer". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Today's bizarre propaganda moment. Date: Tue, 15 Oct 2002 01:36:59 GMT Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Which arm of the government did this? The Bureau Of No Fat Chicks, > > or the super-secret Department Of Ogling? > > I saw a pickup truck on Saturday that had the nekkid chyk mudflaps and a > sign on the window that said "Got Legs?" in the same font as the Got > Milk? ads use. "Duh-huh, I hate it when I get a girl into bed and then I discover she doesn't exist from the waist down. I wish someone would make a sticker just for idiots like me!" > Well, actually, it was a cheap imitation of the Got Milk? font, I am > pretty sure, but I do not want to admit that I would ever in a million > years notice such a thing. Dan Fogelberg says there's a place in this > world for a gambler. I say there is certainly a place in this world > for a font perfectionist. I am just saying that that place is already > taken and it's not by me. The "Got Milk?" catchphrase is normally advertised in ATF Phenix, a very rarely-seen font designed in 1935 by Morris Fuller Benton (I think the only digital version available is from Agfa) so it's not surprising that the wacky sticker's designer had to use some some other font they thought looked the same, probably Arial Black squished to one-quarter width. > Anyway, I had to pull up to see the driver of this truck. I was > thinking about my college days, at the height of the "No Fat Chicks" > bumperstickers, when I never once saw any person get out of a truck with > a No Fat Chicks bumpersticker that weighed less than about 300 pounds. > I figured that even though I was a fat chick, I could cop a look at > these guys' washerboard abs and broad, taut shoulders as they got out of > their truck in a public place, right? Nope. Never. It was always flab > that fell out of those trucks. So, I am wondering about this nekkid > chyk mudflap guy asking about my legs. Who is he and why does he want > to know? > > He was a total loser, from everything I could see from my car to his > truck, thereby adding further evidence to my prior research that those > who most feel the need to be ultra picky in the physical appearance of > women are not the same ones who feel the need to be at all picky about > their own physical appearance. It felt like I was back to my wedding > day, only it was raining. > > So, yes, I've got legs. The better to kick your ass with, you > hypocritical prevert! Yeah, but you're not one of those really great chicks who has legs all the way from her head down to her toes. (You don't see those too often outside the "Jabberwocky" title sequence.) I like legs, but I don't go around putting bumper stickers on trucks because of it. And if I was that obsessed with legs, then I'd refuse to drive a truck unless it had great legs. -- K. Maybe "Got Legs?" is the text-only version of a Darwin fish. People don't use the shiny metal ones any more because the sun glinting off one made Phil Dick go insane. As a result, now all bumper stickers about religious controversy have to be in plain text, and uglier, to ensure that no drugged-up sci-fi writers will stare at them until their eyeballs get hot enough to melt their frontal lobes. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Today's bizarre propaganda moment. Date: Sun, 13 Oct 2002 05:46:04 GMT Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > Don't get me started on my 10th grade English teacher, Mrs. Davis. > > Mrs. Davis did NOT want creativity in her book reports. Each book > report was supposed to be in two sections. The first section was > supposed to summarize the book. The second section was to be entitled > "What This Book Meant To Me". Most books mean I spent a bunch of money on a book instead of something more entertaining, like a bag of Funyuns and a couple lottery scratchers. I love books, it's just that I don't love all books, and so if you threw a random one at me I'd probably say "OW!" and "I'd rather have Funyuns." Other books I would say "This is better than Funyuns, but not as good as the quantity of Funyuns you'd have to have to make yourself throw up," or "This book is even better than Funyuns would be if they contained real onion." There. I have now collectively reviewed all the books in the world. Thus, there is now no need for school. > Given no opportunity to be creative in our reports, we were forced to > be creative in our choice of books. We were supposed to do one on a > dramatic work, so a friend of mine read "Hair". We were supposed to > do another on a biography or autobiography, so I read "Mein Kampf". > Well, I claimed I read "Mein Kampf". Actually I read about the first > 30 pages, and from there on just read the translator's footnotes. That's the sort of book where you can get away with that, since you know it probably won't end with Hitler hugging a basket full of puppies to express his happiness at winning an Oscar for his touching performance as Patch Adams. (Incidentally, if you took that movie and replaced Robin Williams with Hitler, it would _still_ be sappy.) I would assume Hitler is evil all the way through the book, unless it's one of those editions from the 1970s that has cigarette ads bound into the middle, in which case different people are evil during those two extra-stiff pages. > We both got As. We both always got As. Mrs. Davis worshipped us, for > some reason. Chastely, thank god, but worshipped. As opposed to our > friend Doug, who for equally obscure reasons she hated. He'd turn in > work about, I'd say, 90% as good as mine, and get Ds. It's a curve. Everything is always on a curve, because of the Coriolis Effect. So when someone says "Your review of 'Patch Adams' was slanted, especially when you said the movie could be improved by adding Hitler," you can say "It's not slanted, it's curved! Science says it has to be. It's proved in every book about the physics of movie reviews. Also, if you disagree with me, you're worse than Hitler and Patch Adams combined!" > There was poetry. We were supposed to read a poem, and then she'd > explain to us what the poem meant. She knew what it meant, because > she'd read what it meant in some book. Then we'd have a quiz, in > which we were supposed to tell her what the same poem meant. > According to her. Or her book. There should be a law that teachers have to write book reports on the book they read in teaching school, and any student who circles anything stupid in that book report gets access to the secret other cafeteria the teachers use, where the hamburgers don't taste like they were cooked in the vapors over a Mattel Vac-U-Form. > And one time she handed out some books to us, and gave us each an > index card on which we were supposed to write our name and the number > written on the inside front cover of the book, so when book number 37 > went missing she'd know who to blame. Then turn in the cards, and > we'd have the rest of the period to start our reading assignment. I > started writing my name on the card and, oops, misspelled my own name. > How embarrassing. I crossed it out, flipped the card over, and wrote > the name and book number on the other side. Turned in the card, > started reading. > > You're way ahead of me, right? Five minutes later along comes > Mrs. Davis with a new, blank index card, telling me she wants me to do > it over and this time *use the side with the lines on it*. So did you draw some lines on the blank side and write between them? Or did you use the lined side but write perpendicularly to the lines? Or did you do it entirely in Morse code so that it could be entirely on the lines? I know you must have done something like that, because you ended up here. Me, I got sent here for only coloring up-and-down and not up-and-down-then- side-to-side in coloring class because I didn't like cross-hatched grass. -- K. What was the book she assigned? Something like "Index Cards For Advanced Wastage: How To Turn A Simple List Of Names Into A Big Brick"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Today's bizarre propaganda moment. Date: Wed, 16 Oct 2002 04:34:57 GMT Dag Right-square-bracket-gren (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > The best advice I've got from a nuke plant worker was that, "yes, you do > need a sense of humour to make it in this line of work." Maybe it was more > of an observation than it was advice. After watching this fall's new prime-time TV season, I'd have to say that working in a nuclear plant may be the only occupation requiring a sense of humor. When people get fired from the nuke plant for being not funny, they get creative control on ABC. OH WHAT A ZINGER! TAKE THAT, TELEVISION! I PUT THE ZING ON YOU! > This was in reference to the huge "MOLE LAND" sign (with cartoon > mole) above the big metal doors into the low- and medium-level waste > storage facility, some 50 meter under ground. So THAT's where you got your mole! Don't worry, it's hardly noticeable if you wear an extra-large eyepatch over your nose. Or maybe you should wear two stacked up because the green glow sort of goes through the fabric. -- K. And why can't we get back to the original subject and talk about bizarre, inept propaganda and not what happens at nuclear plants? Oh, right. The visitors' center with the bottle of salad dressing and the Geiger counter. Carry on! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Today's bizarre propaganda moment. Date: Tue, 15 Oct 2002 05:14:53 GMT Jacob W. Haller (spog@jwgh.org) wrote: > > Dag Right-square-bracket-gren (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > > > Once, in upper secondary school, we were analysing poems. We had this > > book we were using for this course, and it had some examples on how to > > do this. One of the poems was your average sappy love poem. I remember > > lines about deep dark eyes, and so on. After this poem were included > > several different analyses. > > > > The last one was my favourite - it claimed, with the equivalent of a > > stright face, only in text, that the poem was about a guy walking out > > into the woods and meeting a moose. No, not that he fell in love with > > a moose or anything, just that he went out for a walk, and there was a > > moose. Moose have very deep dark eyes, you know. > > > > This, I thought, was very clever (and, I had been exposed to that > > particular doctrine at that age, quite kibological). Now the teacher > > was going on about how you can't say any analysis is more correct than > > any other (I will refrain from commenting on this OBVIOUS NONSENSE here), > > and for some reason I bought up the subject of this particular analysis, > > which obviously didn't try to be correct, but instead be funny. > > > > Now, this teacher, it seems, would not admit that this text was written > > in jest. She steadfastly claimed that she was sure the author was quite > > serious in believing the poem was about a walking out into the forrest > > and meeting a moose, the end. I tried to explain to her that it was, > > in fact, quite a clever bit of humour, but she would have none of it. > > I like that she used the principle of 'all analyses of a text are > equally valid' to say that your analysis of the moose text was WRONG > WRONG WRONG. Cool! Of course, the shocking twist at the end of this story is when the camera pans around to reveal that the author of the poem is... A MOOSE! And then he tries to pull a rabbit out of his hat but instead it's the head of an angry lion, then lightning hits him and a squirrel and they die and their ghosts fall through the Earth's crust into Hell but immediately come up again and get reincarnated as flowers shaped like a moose and a squirrel and all that happens in about five seconds which is good because they showed it twenty times a day for the twenty years that I was a little kid. -- K. (Don Adams voice:) "Mr. Whoopee, how does a poem work?" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: KIBO HAS CROSSBOW Date: Fri, 11 Oct 2002 06:19:05 GMT Jeremy Impson (jdimpson@acm.org) wrote: > > Brian 'Jarai' Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The game was called "Butt Ball" where I grew up, but literally exposing > > one's butt was not part of the game. You merely got pelted through your > > clothes. It was either played with tennis balls or raquet balls. I do > > seem to remember some even-less-bright kids attempting to play the game > > with a baseball. > > For clarification, my "Moon Ball" variant did not involve literally > exposing one's butt. Butt when one is "against the wall" so to speak, > one's completely clothed butt-cheeks are a very tempting target for those > wishing to hurl a ball at you. > > We used tennis balls and "super pinky"'s, which were made of rubber, > coloured pink, and slightly smaller than tennis ball. I *think* it was > slightly larger than a racquet ball, but it's been so long since I've had > either ball in my hand that I've forgotten. "Super pinky"? Sounds like the name of a superhero who would pelt you with hard, semi-elastic handballs while yelling "THIS IS EDUCATIONAL! YOU ARE HAVING FUN WHILE YOU LEARN!" over and over. I will pay Five Imaginary Moon Dollars to the first person who can draw me an entire Super Pinky comic book, especially if it ends with him killing all the gym teachers in the world. I will pay Ten Imaginary Moon Dollars if this comic book gets made into a movie staring Nicolas Cage, James Caan, Walter Koenig, and Tiffany Brissette. Offer void if Walter Koenig's accent changes during the movie. Incidentally, research shows that Hedstrom still makes the Super Pinky, retail price ninety-nine cents, except now half the ball is covered with a giant bar code designed to be imprinted on your forehead during a game of Moon Ball. This is why the evils of Hedstrom were prophecied in the Bible, as well as in the terrifying movie "The Hedstrom Chronicle", which is about how insects will eventually take over the world by pelting humans with Super Pinkies. In other news, Pinky Burger (in Mexico) has a menu where they explain that most of their burgers are made from slices of pink rubber balls: -> 3 SUPER PINKY (Mahonesa, ketchup, cebolla, pepinillo, tomate, -> lechuga, hamburguesa de ternera) 2,75 -> 3.P SUPER PINKY POLLO (Mahonesa, ketchup, cebolla, pepinillo, tomate, -> lechuga, hamburguesa de pollo) 3,00 -> 4 SUPER PINKY HUEVO (Mahonesa, ketchup, cebolla, pepinillo, tomate, -> lechuga, hamburguesa de ternera, huevo) 2,90 -> 5 SUPER PINKY QUESO (Mahonesa, ketchup, cebolla, pepinillo, tomate, -> lechuga, hamburguesa de ternera, queso) 2,90 -> 6 SUPER PINKY DOBLE (Mahonesa, ketchup, cebolla, pepinillo, tomate, -> lechuga, doble hamburguesa de ternera) 3,60 -> 6.P SUPER PINKY DOBLE POLLO (Mahonesa, ketchup, cebolla, pepinillo, -> tomate, lechuga, doble hamburguesa de pollo) 3,75 -> 7 SUPER BACON (Tomate, lechuga, queso, hamburguesa de ternera, -> ketchup, bacon) 3,25 I think "pepinillo" is "pickle", and the prices have Euro symbols after them (omitted here), because Mexico seems to have forgotten it's no longer in Europe. Also, their logo is a buck-toothed, jaundiced dog who has a hockey stick sticking out from under one of his eyelids. What's black and sticky? A hockey stick -- in your eye socket! What's pink and super? A Super Pinky -- in your tummy! Mmm, rubber meat patty. -- K. Something's wrong when the bacon is only the second most stretchy item in your burger. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: KIBO HAS CROSSBOW Date: Tue, 15 Oct 2002 00:56:26 GMT Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > My junior high orchestra teacher was a big fan of throwing those hard > plastic chairs with metal legs at the percussion section on at least three > occasions one year. He was usually in a foul mood, except on the > performance review days, when the principal came in to observe a teacher's > classroom methods. Then he was all smiles, no matter how much the class > tried to push him over the line. He must have ground his teeth down quite > a bit during those reviews though. Though he smiled, it was one of those > clenched teeth kind of smiles one has when they are trying to prevent > themselves from chewing someone's head off (literally or figuratively). When you say "a big fan of", do you mean he actually threw chairs at the percussion section, or do just attended the local symphony while holding up a sign saying "SOMEONE PLEASE THROW A CHAIR AT THE TYMPANI PLAYER!"? Or both? I think it would be better to throw something like a xylophone at the percussion section, because then it would make a form of music as it crushed them and their little drum sets. For the brass, I'd throw a tuba at the tuba, and for the strings, I'd just get the world's largest can of Silly String and drown them. Not that I would ever commit violence against an orchestra, even a bunch of kids playing "The Liberty Bell March" off-key at half speed. But I would recommend that anyone who enjoys that sort of thing should at least become a connoisseur of what to throw, and not just throw random non-musical objects. -- K. Did you know that "glockenspiel" is German for "Russian Roulette"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: KIBO HAS CROSSBOW Date: Sat, 12 Oct 2002 05:11:16 GMT Jacob W. Haller (spog@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Super pinky"? Sounds like the name of a superhero who would pelt you > > with hard, semi-elastic handballs while yelling "THIS IS EDUCATIONAL! > > YOU ARE HAVING FUN WHILE YOU LEARN!" over and over. > > I had no idea that 'psychotic teacher who threw superballs at students' > was such a common archetype! How many other people had a teacher like > this? Were they all elementary school math teachers? I still want someone to explain to me the orange, yellow, and blue rubber doughnuts (about one inch thick, from five to nine inches in diameter) we had in Special Gym. Also, the purpose of that stupid game where you have to run back and forth under a war-surplus parachute. > Actually, although I had a teacher in elementary school who was famous > for his past exploits with superballs, by the time I had him he no > longer threw superballs at people. Instead, he would walk up behind > your desk and scrape his knuckle swiftly down your spine, resulting in a > distinctly unpleasant and painful sensation, particularly if it was > unexpected, which it would be if you had finished the math exercises you > were supposed to be working on and were instead concentrating on > knitting your Dr. Who scarf. You _knitted_ one? NERD!!! I made _mine_ by stapling three scarves together. But then it fell apart and the Daleks killed me because my school made the mistake of installing wheelchair ramps next to the stairs. I had a Spanish teacher who used to brag about how many feet he could shoot a marble, but he never demonstrated. He was rumored to once have punched a kid in the face through the glass of a window, which is plausible if you understand that all high school Spanish teachers are dangerously insane. > I'm just saying is all! > > Elementary school was one big learning experience rolled into an enigma > rolled into six years. For instance, I learned that teachers don't > really like it when your parents call the principal to complain about > them. Who knew? I had one teacher who really seemed like a pedophile. I don't think he actually was, but he sure as heck seemed like one. You know, like when Kevin Spacey smiles. But it all evened out later when the principal who didn't seem like a pedophile got fired for being a pedophile. I wish I'd gone to school in Pee-wee's Playhouse instead of in the real world filled with perverts. -- K. Also, I wish I could get a PhD on "Romper Room". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: KIBO HAS CROSSBOW Date: Sat, 12 Oct 2002 04:42:51 GMT John D Salt (john.salt@NOSPAM.btclick.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Super pinky"? Sounds like the name of a superhero who > > would pelt you with hard, semi-elastic handballs while > > yelling "THIS IS EDUCATIONAL! YOU ARE HAVING FUN WHILE YOU > > LEARN!" over and over. > > Sounds to me like the name of the superhero who managed to grow > an extra little finger for those Finnish train things. > > Why isn't our public transport system fitted with equipment to > detect shapeshifting aliens, anyway? I don't know. Boston's has the guy who keeps doing Garry Shandling's old standup comedy routine from the 1980s into the microphone while he's driving the Green Line -- today I got the one about dating the self-centered girl whose hair is on fire AGAIN ("it's all 'me', 'me', 'me', 'I'M on fire', 'Put ME out!'...) I'm worried that if they did install a six-fingered alien detector it would speak in Dennis Miller's voice: "Hey, K-PAX, why don't you stop dipping your carbon-coated cha-cha in the shallow end of the Brillo pad and dial Bumnut, Iowa to tell them that somewhere Eubie Blake's rectal chords are dancing the hurly-burly with Dr. Doolittle's polyester scarf," except it would be harder for people to understand because it would be a robot voice. I'd still understand, of course, because I have TEN fingers. -- K. And all ten of my fingers are super pinkies, except the ones that are a foot, cha-cha. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: KIBO HAS CROSSBOW Date: Sun, 13 Oct 2002 06:06:28 GMT John D Salt (john.salt@NOSPAM.btclick.com) wrote: > > Why isn't our public transport system fitted with > equipment to detect shapeshifting aliens, anyway? > > [and in a later article:] > > I'm now beginning to wonder if all that business on the London > underground (Americans say we call it "the tube") about "MIND THE > GAP" is really a scheme to flush out amoeba-like alien life-forms > who could not extrude their pseudopodia across the gap. Actually, they're just looking for people who seal up the gap WITH THEIR MIND. They have special machines that detect people using too much of their brains. (They're the exact opposite of the "Three Stooges" slot machine.) In Toronto the signs say "WATCH THE GAP" to detect people who can see things that don't even exist. They also arrest you if, at Tim Horton's, you say "Mmm, the tastiest part of this doughnut is the hole!" -- K. In Toronto, no graphic designers are allowed to use whitespace. The worst thing you can say to a Torontonian is a speech balloon that looks like this: ______________________________ / \ | IT'S SPELLED | | | | | | | | | | | | | | "LEAVES" BOZO | \_________________| /_________/ | / |/ / ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: KIBO HAS CROSSBOW Date: Fri, 11 Oct 2002 06:28:50 GMT Brian 'Jarai' Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > You know, Kibo, it'd be REALLY HORRIBLE if you ACCIDENTALLY had an > UNFORTUNATE mishap in your neighborhood involving an ice-cream truck and > a high powered arbalest. I think the truck's gone south for the winter. However, my office is on one of the routes taken by the screaming guy on the giant tricycle. Think I can get some castlements with arrow loops installed for my arbalest before he comes by again? I'm sure he's actually a very nice guy, given that something is missing from his brain to make him unable to do anything other than ride a giant tricycle down all the sidewalks of Boston all day. The problem is that he constantly bellows "AAAAA! AAAAA! AAAAA! AAAAA! AAAAA!" so that he can ride on the sidewalk without having to steer around any pedestrians. I think he's Boston's most prominent local weirdo (I'm not local, I cross state lines on the Internet.) -- K. If there was a truck selling paper-thin slivers of rancid roast beef, I'd shoot it with an arbylest. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: KIBO HAS CROSSBOW Date: Sat, 12 Oct 2002 05:19:10 GMT Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [regarding a screaming guy who rides a giant trike all day like a > > combination of Bozo and a smoke alarm] > > > > I think he's Boston's most prominent local weirdo (I'm not local, I cross > > state lines on the Internet.) > > You've never caught the Mr. Butch Show? Playing daily somewhere along > Comm Ave. No, but I did just get "Can't Stop The Music" on DVD, and... oh, you mean there's some unintentional street performer around here named "Mr. Butch"? I don't know who that is. Is it the part of Comm Ave near where you live, or is it the part on the good side of town where I am? Who is this Mr. Butch and what does he do and just how butch is he? Is he a cartoon bulldog with one of those spiked collars that dogs wear to show how mean they are? Or is he a robotic hair stylist from the makers of Mr. Coffee and Mr. Machine? Or, worst of all, is he just Ben Stiller dressed as a grown-up Eddie Munster? -- K. Is he a member of the world's manliest law firm, Brent, Brock, Butch, & Dutch? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.anthropology,rec.video,sci.logic,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: THE PERSON POSTING UNDER THE NAME DAVE DELANEY IN THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE IS REALLY MY EVIL BROTHER DAVID BERNIER THAT IS SICK-MENTALLY AND THAT PRESENTS CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR: MESSAGE SENT FROM COMMANDER MICHEL BERNIER (JESUS-CHRIST OF 2000 YEARS AGO) Date: Fri, 11 Oct 2002 06:50:32 GMT Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium [in response to a big ol' sugar pie of blather] In sci.anthropology, rec.video, sci.logic, and alt.religion.kibology, Michel Bernier (stmichelber@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > > > > > MY VERY SICK-MENTALLY BROTHER DAVID BERNIER HAS > > > DEFAMED ME ALL ACCROSS INTERNET: I AM MISTER > > > MICHEL BERNIER, MEDICAL ANTHROPOLOGIST AND > > > PHARMACOLOGIST WITH AN INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT OF > > > 150 AND MY EVIL BROTHER DAVID HAS ALWAYS BEEN > > > JEALOUS OF ME BECAUSE I KNOW MEDECINE AND POLITICS > > > BETTER THAN HIM, I HAVE HAD ALSO NUNEROUS > > > GIRLFRIENDS AND HE HAS HAD NONE: > > > [...] > > > SIR, > > > > > > My political ideas are the best ones and I am already winning > > > the > > > > > > game in Quebec and also in Canada: I have sent all my political ideas > > > to > > > > > > Mr. Jean Chretien, the Prime-minister of Canada and he will apply all > > > my > > > > > > ideas in all their minute details. David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > Oh wow. This time it's in HALF ALL CAPS _and_ semidoublespaced! No > > wait, even better, it's _tetraterraced_! > > > > Dave "watch out, Kibo, I think he's challenging you and Manley Hubbel > > simultaneously to a FONT SUPREMACY BATTLE along the imaginary axis!" > > DeLaney Michel Bernier (stmichelber@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > THE EVIL PERSON POSTING UNDER THE NAME Dave Delaney IS REALLY MY > VERY-SICK MENTALLY BROTHER DAVID THAT WILL PAY FOR ALL HIS WRONGDOING > . HE POST MESSAGES UNDER ALL SORTS OF SILLY NAMES BECAUSE HE IS CRAZY > AND HE SPENDS HIS TIME PLAYING TRICKS ON OTHER MEMBERS OF GOOGLE > GROUPS. HE IS A LIAR AND DESERVES NO CREDIT FOR WHAT HE SAYS. > REMEMBER, THIS EVIL BROTHER DAVID IS A COMPUTER PROGRAMMIST AND HE > KNOWS NUMEROUS COMPUTER TRICKS. > > AMEN. AINSI-SOIT-IL. Dear Michel Bernier, I would just like to say that you are (ding!) Excuse me, that bell means it's time for me to say something nice about everyone and everything I've ever known, owned, or seen. I'll get back to you later. Dear trousers, Thank you for being so considerate in having the same number of legs as me -- two! You are soft and warm and not tweed. You are one of the best things in the world and I love you. Dear underpants, Thank you for keeping my body from touching my filthy filthy trousers. You are soft and warm and your elastic works as advertised. You are one of the best things in the world and I love you. Dear socks, Thank you for being so easy to take off, even without using my hands (unlike my gloves.) You are soft and warm and never put yourselves on the wrong part of my body by accident. You are one of the best things in the world and I love you. Dear sock lint, Thank you for coming out of my socks so that my socks would have less lint in them. You are soft and warm just like my socks except under my bed in case I ever fall under there and need something to hug. You are one of the best things in the world and I love you. Dear diaper #637, Although it has been many years since I wore you in 1968, thank you for being one of the ten best diapers I ever wore. You were soft and warm and were not responsible for the actions of the pointy diaper pins which were sold separately. You were there when I needed you even though I never did. My one regret is that I spilled grape juice on you so my mommy took you away before you could fulfill your function in life, to eat my poo. You were one of the best things in the world and I love you. Dear poo, Every day I am thankful for your existence, because if there was no such thing as poo, I would keep getting bigger and bigger until I exploded in a massive burst of whatever there would be if poo had not been invented. You are soft and warm and you are one of the best things in the world and I love you. Dear Michel Bernier, You are an idiot. Please go away. -- K. P.S. I have an I.Q. of 1500, and all my girlfriends are more nunerous than yours, especially Sister Sextacular Of The Order Of The Perpetually Sexxxy With Three Xs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.anthropology,rec.video,sci.logic,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: THE PERSON POSTING UNDER THE NAME DAVE DELANEY IN THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE IS REALLY MY EVIL BROTHER DAVID BERNIER THAT IS SICK-MENTALLY AND THAT PRESENTS CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR: MESSAGE SENT FROM COMMANDER MICHEL BERNIER (JESUS-CHRIST OF 2000 YEARS A Date: Tue, 15 Oct 2002 01:19:55 GMT Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.anthropology, rec.video, sci.logic, and alt.religion.kibology (ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS), Michel Bernier (stmichelber@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > > [...150 lines of quoted material elided...] > > > THE PERSON SENDING THE MESSAGE UNDER THE VERY SILLY AND IDIOT NAME > James Kibo Parry IS REALLY MY VERY SICK AND MENTALLY ILL BROTHER > DAVID THAT IS A COMPUTER PROGRAMMIST. HE SPENDS MOST OF HIS TIME > LYING IN BED DOING NOTHING AND THE ONLY THING THAT HE DOES ELSE IS > PLAY TRICKS TO PEOPLE ESPICIALLY GIRLS OF THE INTERNET ALL DAY UNDER > THE SILLY NAME Archimedes Plutiium. I didn't know that Archimedes Plutonium was more than one girl. I thought he was only one girl posting under the silly name. I guess that explains a lot, if he's really a whole gaggle of giggling girls. Gee! > He is Crazy and deserve no credit and he will go to hell onm the Earth > during the next years because he does not belive in GOD (THEY ARE > GREEK GODS) AND THEY WILL SEND HIM TO HELL ON THE EARTH BECAUSE HE > HAS DEFAME ME , MISTER MICHEL BERNIER, MEDICAL ANTHROPOLOGIST AND > PHARMACOLOGIST ALL ACCROSS THE INTERNET. Since I assume that you are a native speaker of French and not of English, I'll give you a little assistance with your spelling: "DEFAME ME" is usually spelled "P-O-I-N-T-E-D-space-A-T-space-M-E-space- A-N-D-space-L-A-U-G-H-E-D." Except without the hyphens. Please stop using so many hyphens. > AMEN. AINSI-SOIT. AND TELL THIS VERY IDIOT BROTHER DAVID THAT GOD > KNOWS WHAT HE HAS DONE AND WILL PUNISH HIM SEVERELY FOR HIS > EVILLNESS. > > COMMANDER BERNIER I will never take you seriously as "COMMANDER" anything in all caps unless you be more specific. Are you a Commander Of The Order Of A Large Bowl Of Yellow Split-Pea Soup, or are you just an ordinary Space Commander? -- K. It's always nice to see semi-bilingual kookery. Most kooks are incoherent in just one language. P.S. I think YOU are your idiot brother David. Proof: You're an idiot. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: THE PERSON POSTING UNDER THE NAME DAVE DELANEY IN THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE IS REALLY MY EVIL BROTHER DAVID BERNIER THAT IS SICK-MENTALLY AND THAT PRESENTS CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR: MESSAGE SENT FROM COMMANDER MICHEL BERNIER (JESUS-CHRIST OF 2000 YEARS A Date: Tue, 15 Oct 2002 04:33:08 GMT Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > Michel Bernier (stmichelber@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > > > THE PERSON SENDING THE MESSAGE UNDER THE VERY SILLY AND IDIOT NAME > > James Kibo Parry IS REALLY MY VERY SICK AND MENTALLY ILL BROTHER > > DAVID THAT IS A COMPUTER PROGRAMMIST. HE SPENDS MOST OF HIS TIME > > LYING IN BED DOING NOTHING AND THE ONLY THING THAT HE DOES ELSE IS > > PLAY TRICKS TO PEOPLE ESPICIALLY GIRLS OF THE INTERNET ALL DAY UNDER > > THE SILLY NAME Archimedes Plutiium. > > You mean there's someone so completely mentally messed up that he claims > he is the brother of a guy who pretends to be Archimedes Plutonium? > > This is one of those Usenet days that I just can't get my head around. I think that if we wait about a week, our wacky Quebecois friend will claim everyone on the Internet is one big person, except for him. (Unfortunately, it'll degenerate into the two of us arguing about which of us has to be the girl if we play house.) One theory is that Etienne Rouette the only one here who really is his brother. Note that Michel has falsely accused several people of being his brother, but he has NEVER ONCE FALSELY ACCUSED ETIENNE ROUETTE! Very suspicious! > Speaking of Archie, the other night I made one of those Stove Top > Dinners in a box, the kind where you mix a bunch of powdered stuff > together with water and throw some chicken in it, and bake for half an > hour. Except that in my new gas oven I can't get these things to bake the > chicken all the way through, and partly raw chicken scares me ever since > the Spring Break where I gave myself and CS Ed salmonella poisoning. > > You haven't lived until you've had the sluices open at both ends at the > same time, if you know what I mean. God, it was hideous. > > Anyhow, this still has Archie content, so bear with me. The chicken > just would not get done, so I took it out and put it on a plate by itself, > placed a lid over it, and microwaved it for 5 minutes. It exploded once > and came out sizzling and done, so I was happy. I dished it out and went > back to the sink for a second, when I heard CS Ed yell "YOW!" He'd cut > the chicken open and it exploded all over him. > > Cool. That's a very Archie recipe, except that Archie would never say "Cool." This is because anything within fifty feet of him automatically becomes uncool, especially if he microwaves it until it goes blam. Maybe Saint-Commander Michel will bless us with a recipe for exploding sugar pie in the microwave, or how to turn yellow split pea soup black, or how to make a smoked meat sandwich that causes massive devastation, or at least how I could make my own delicious spruce beer in my bathtub (it would be worth blowing up my bathtub for spruce beer.) > I let mine sit for a few minutes before cutting into it, but it too > exploded all over me. It was then I remembered the words of Archimedes > Plutonium: the food isn't done until it explodes for the second time. > > So this guy's brother David is really smart about microwaving food. I think that you are his brother David, and so are lots of other people, and also microwaves are just sinks and dishwashers are just Archie. If I try to think just like Michel long enough, I'll come up with a grand unified theory of everything that will eventually allow me to fully integrate all scientific disciplines, objects, people, and TV programs! I'll put identical nametag stickers on everything in the world, and this elegant proof will win me the Nobel Prize, which is the same as having my own Space Shuttle filled with spruce beer! -- K. Now, where did I leave that bottle of Spartacat Extra Hot Sauce... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.activism.peacefire,alt.activism.community,alt.activism.student,alt.religion.kibology,sci.psychology.psychotherapy From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I AM READING 3 NEW BOOKS: ANTHROPOLOGY, BY HERZFELD, L,,AVENIR DE L,ENVIRONNEMENT MONDIAL3-GEO-3 AND A NEW BOOK OF PSYCHIATRIC NEUROSCIENCE: I HAVE AN INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT OF 150 AND I WILL UNITE ALL OF THESE BOOKS IN ONE SINGLE MESSAGE THAT I WIL Date: Fri, 11 Oct 2002 06:54:28 GMT Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In alt.activism.peacefire, alt.activism.community, alt.activism.student, alt.religion.kibology, and sci.psychology.psychotherapy, Michel Bernier (stmichelber@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > I AM ARCHANGEL ST-MICHAEL ( JEUS-CHRIST) WITH A IQ OF 150 What, do you have to have an IQ of 151 to find the "caps lock" these days? > AND THE FUTURE WILL PROVE ME RIGHT: PARADISE WILL APPEAR ON YEAR 2020 > LIKE I KNOW IT WILL BECAUSE THE GREEK GODS ARE CONTROLLING EVERYTHING > THAT HAPPENS AND MY SYLLY, DAFT AND IDIOT BROTHER DAVID BERNIER WILL PAY > FOR ALL THE SINNING HE HAS DONE TOWARDS ME. Don't you mean all the sylling he's done towards ye? > AMEN. AINSI-SOIT-IL. > > COMMANDER BERNIER Oh, go syl yourself. -- K. Aren't you the guy from "The Secret City"? No, wait, he was Commander Mark, and he wasn't nearly as weird. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: And when the needle went in, it made a sound... SQUICK! SQUICK! Date: Fri, 11 Oct 2002 07:31:37 GMT Warning: Don't read this. I said, don't read this! You have been warned. From a South African newspaper's Web site (The Independent Online, iol.co.za): -> -> Tattoo artist has an eye for precision -> -> October 08 2002 at 09:48PM -> -> By Wendy Knowler -> -> Picture the scene. A patient lies unconscious in an Entabeni Hospital, -> Durban, theatre, surrounded by an anaesthetist, his ophthalmic surgeon, -> the theatre sister and a burly tattoo artist -- his own vibrant tattoos -> only partially obscured by his official green theatre garb. -> -> On Tuesday morning, former policeman and Durban tattoo artist Dave Edwards -> got his five minutes of fame as the central figure in a groundbreaking -> cornea tattooing procedure. I DEMAND TO SEE THE MANAGER OF THIS THEATER AND GET MY MONEY BACK! -> That's how long it took him to transform the patient's hideously -> disfigured eye into one which could pass for normal. Why is this in the newspaper? Why am I reading this? Isn't there a law against printing stories about people having needles stuck into "hideously disfigured" eyeballs? I'd just like to say one word... EWWW!!!!!!!!!!!! EWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -> The unusual collaboration between Edwards and ophthalmic surgeon Dr -> Jeanette Carlisle began several months ago, borne out of her desire to -> help her patient, a man in his late forties who wished to remain anonymous -> and declined to speak to The Mercury. I'm glad someone had the sense to try to keep stuff this gross out of the newspaper. Sure, I know this procedure happens all the time in real life. It might even be going on upstairs from you right now. I just don't think any of us needs to hear about eyeballs getting probed with pointies. NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO READ ABOUT EYEBALLS GETTING NEEDLED! Incidentally, the letter "V" in Bitstream's "Old Dreadful No. 7" font looks like three darts jammed into an eyeball. If someone has a printed copy of The Independent from South Africa, please let me know if this article was printed in Old Dreadful No. 7 -- you'll be able to tell by checking whether the "A" looks like a pile of doody. (Yes, I own a license for that font, but only because it was included on a CD I bought that had 499 other fonts, none of which contained letters that look like eyeballs with pointy things stuck into them.) -> 'The cornea, instead of being dark, was greyish and very unsightly' -> -> "He'd injured his eye in an accident in 1975 and after a series of -> operations the eye was sightless and discoloured," she said. -> -> "The cornea, instead of being dark, was greyish, blending with the white -> of the eye, which was very unsightly." -> -> But because he was in no pain, he was reluctant to have it removed and -> replaced with a glass eye. Yeah, he wouldn't want the pain of having it removed, just having dye injected into it several thousand times a minute for four hours. -> "Tattooing of the cornea is covered in the text books, but not performed -> successfully here," Dr Carlisle said. Yeah, especially if the hospital isn't advanced enough to have discovered contact lenses. -> "A colleague of mine tried it once, importing ink at great cost and -> spending about four hours painstakingly applying it to a patient's eye, -> but it didn't work. -> -> "I was driving past Dave's studio in Florida Road and decided to ask -> his advice," Dr Carlisle said. -> -> And so began months of experimentation. -> -> "(Dr Carlisle) would bring me the eyes of pigs to practice on, because -> they are the closest to human eyes, and I spent hours experimenting - -> she'd take the eyes away and do cross-sections to see how far the ink had -> penetrated. The results were extremely encouraging." I liked the part where she took the eyes away from the guy with the needle. I didn't like the other parts. They caused deep psychic scarring in my eyes. -> Dr Carlisle duly obtained hospital permission for Edwards's "unorthodox" -> use of the theatre, and he arrived early on Tuesday morning with his -> apparatus. -> -> "I was wearing a short-sleeved shirt so my tattoes were visible, and -> someone actually asked me if I was in the right place." I have ten tattoes on my tatfeet. I can even make them wiggle. And the best part is that they're not the temporary kind! I got tired of my toes falling off in the bathtub, so I got them permanently implanted, which didn't hurt because it was at the end of my body furthest from my eyes. -> But it was a different story when Edwards, suitably attired and scrubbed -> up, got to work. -> -> "I could sense them regarding me in a different light," he said. "When we -> compared the two eyes afterwards, it was a perfect match, and the medical -> people gave me a little round of applause. I'd do it again in a -> heartbeat." -> -> Just as well; Dr Carlisle said her colleagues would have patients "lining -> up" for the procedure when the word got out. It could be the in thing for those kids today, going to raves with their ecstasy and their glow sticks and their mohawks! -> "It was a very impressive performance... he was confident and relaxed, not -> at all fazed by the theatre environment, and the result was incredible -- -> a perfect match," she said. -> -> "My patient is going to be so excited when we remove the dressing and let -> him have a look on Wednesday." -> -> Asked how much he earned for his services, Edwards laughed. "The subject -> of payment did come up, but I told them I got so much out of it, I should -> have paid them! -> -> "If it becomes a regular thing, I suppose we'll have to come to some -> arrangement." Please arrange it so the NEEDLES ARE NOT NEAR THE EYEBALLS IN THE NEWSPAPER or I'll cancel my subscription. Oh, and thanks for inviting the newspaper photographer to come take a photo of you sticking the thing into the eye in the middle of the operation. Thankfully, I was already through eating for the week. -- K. To the right of the article is a cheerful little box: -> TOP FIVE STORIES -> -> Train mangles woman tied to tracks -> [etc.] I think I WILL cancel my subscription. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: And when the needle went in, it made a sound... SQUICK! SQUICK! Date: Sat, 12 Oct 2002 05:22:57 GMT Lee Merkel (leemerkel@peoplepc.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > NOBODY SHOULD HAVE TO READ ABOUT EYEBALLS GETTING NEEDLED! > > Not when they can pop Bunuel's "Un Chien Andalou" into the VCR > and watch an eyeball get sliced open with a razor blade! That's okay, it wasn't real, it was just a movie. I only meant I didn't want anyone describing eyeballs getting stabbed in the newspaper. Stupid movie critics have already spoiled the endings of enough movies, I don't need them telling me the plot twists of Surrealist masterpieces. And what's to stop them from going on to Constructivist movies? "It turned out it was the slogan for Rezinotrest's new ties!" AAAAAUUUUGHHHH! I HATE THESE IMAGINARY MOVIE CRITICS! -- K. Do you think that Maya on "Space: 1999" could turn into a razor blade? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Post hoc ergo propter hoc Date: Fri, 11 Oct 2002 07:46:48 GMT Eli M. Balin (elibalin@panix.com) wrote: > > Updating my web page made my sea monkeys die again. You should have been happy enough after the first time, when you discovered that not updating your Web page made them rise from the dead. But you weren't happy enough with live Sea-Monkeys, oh no, you had to kill them again -- kill them with a COMPUTER, like a crazed super-villain in a Hasselhoff movie. Next you'll invent a beam that makes digital wristwatches explode, and the only way to protect myself will be to wear an energy shield mask which I must refer to as "This! Is! An! Energy! Shield! Mask!" when I come into the movie to replace Marjoe Gortner, and then the closing credits will misspell the title of the movie. Sadly, those are three separate Hasselhoff movies I've seen. I even have a special VHS package of two David Hasselhoff cassettes in a gift box, but I haven't watched those, because I'm not obsessed with David Hasselhoff or anything. I'm not sure what I'm going to be obsessed with this month -- last month it was hockey jerseys, then before that there was that month where I kept talking about Dippin' Dots and why I hate them, and before that there was the summer where I spent eight hundred hours writing reviews of why the movie "Baby Geniuses" wasted ninety minutes of my precious time. But I promise you I will not become obsessed with David Hasselhoff if you promise not to blow up my wristwatch. Also, my Web site is keeping thousands of Sea-Monkeys alive all over the world. But I may be forced to update it if the Sea-Monkeys don't start paying me. -- K. I'll know you're David Hasselhoff if your Web site shoots James Doohan for no reason. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Shoo! Date: Fri, 11 Oct 2002 08:16:15 GMT Chris ''Koala3K'' Slat (penguin56@nospam.tdi.net) wrote: > > There is a tiny insect crawling on my computer screen. For some reason, > I automatically tried to bat it off with the cursor. When I got a really good pinball game for my laptop computer, and the ball got stuck in a nice realistic manner, I actually shook the computer for a moment before I realized I was supposed to press a key to nudge it. Either this means I have an organic brain disorder, or else I'm just really really really good at pinball and normally never need to shake the machine because I'm just that good that I can win without a single nudge. Hey folks, am I good at pinball? -- K. Check this box to say "No, Kibo, you're AWESOME at pinball!" --> [ ] ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: If You Could Be Granted 1 Wish... Date: Fri, 11 Oct 2002 08:26:37 GMT Dag Right-square-bracket-gren (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > In some trains here in Finland, there are doors that have an outline of a > hand on them, in brass, to symbolize that you should just push the door to > open it. > > BUT THAT HAND! THAT FREAKY FREAKY BRASS HAND THING! HAS SIX FINGERS! > > WHAT THE HELL? > > They've had them for at least TEN YEARS now. How the FUCK did this freaky > thing ever get built and put into use? SIX FINGERS! Did not ONE SINGLE > PERSON involved in the process of designing and building these train > carriages NOTICE that the HUMAN HAND usually has FIVE FINGERS? > > AAAAAAAAAAAH! Is it true that the trains' lavatories also have everything wired up so that you push a row of little buttons to raise the toilet seat, flush the toilet, turn on the hot water, turn on the cold water, etc.? And if so, are there six of these buttons? And if so, and you press all six buttons at the same time, does a big screen light up saying "YOU WIN! FINLAND AND ITS TRAINS WERE JUST AN EXPERIMENT TO SEE WHO WOULD BE THE FIRST SUPER-HUMAN GENIUS TO EVOLVE SIX FINGERS!" and then your head would swell up and go bald and you'd wander around the town yelling "YOUR IGNORANCE MAKES ME ILL AND ANGRY!" while you kill people with your mind? If so, then Finland's at least half as weird as I think it is. -- K. Because Finnish is an agglutinative language, I can say that your country is Polydactylwackyfragiliciousexpialidocious! Now I must go figure out how Dick Van Dyke made his pants change shape during the penguin scene. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: If You Could Be Granted 1 Wish... Date: Sat, 12 Oct 2002 05:01:03 GMT Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > > > > [...] and then your head would swell up and go bald and you'd wander > > around the town yelling "YOUR IGNORANCE MAKES ME ILL AND ANGRY!" > > while you kill people with your mind? > > > > If so, then Finland's at least half as weird as I think it is. > > I finally figured it out. > > Reading Kibo while in a normal state of mind is like reading any other > average Kibologist while stoned out of your mind on legal painkillers. See, it actually makes so much sense that it was so obvious that I almost didn't post it, but I'll explain it so that you can stop making me so ill and angry. We were talking about how superintelligent beings would have six fingers, so I quoted David McCallum in the black and white "Outer Limits" episode "The Sixth Finger", in which he is exposed to radiation which turns him from an Irishman into a super-intelligent guy with a big bald head and six fingers, which allows him to play the piano (I guess he was originally born without a piano finger) and then he goes on a rampage and uses his brain to knock of cop off his motorcycle and says "YOUR IGNORANCE MAKES ME ILL AND ANGRY! YOUR SAVAGENESS MUST END!" and then they show the opening titles and then it all happens again except that this time they show the episode all the way through, and instead of ending the motorcycle cop's savagenessity and/or savagenessoidalism he says "YOUR IGNORANCE MAKES ME ILL AND ANGRY! YOUR SAVAGENESS MUST END!" and then just looks sad for a moment and then walks away because now he's evolved past the capacity to kill, even when people are flaunting their outrageous savagenessitude, and then his girlfriend puts him back into the evolution machine but she turns the evolution crank the wrong way so he turns back into an Irishman and then he turns into a caveman but then she decides to turn him back into an Irishman and also Edward Mulhare is a scientist instead of a ghost or Knight Rider's boss. The End. If you need more I can summarize the plot of the episode "Counterweight" ("and then the lightning bolt crawled up the wall and went into his ear and gave him a dolly and then the fiddlehead fern chased him around!") or "The Duplicate Man" ("so the alien was just pretending to be stuffed by holding still in the museum for ten years but then he got free and because the guy couldn't tell anyone about it he had himself cloned so that he could send the clone after it but because the monster was telepathic it told the clone he was a clone and he seduced the wife of the guy he was cloned from") or even the one where everyone wanted to kill James Shigeta because he liked poetry. I loved that show and now, of course, they've ruined it. The old show was wonderfully unpredictable ("and then at the nuclear power plant the cleaning lady sucked up a ball of lint with her vacuum cleaner and a monster came out") but the new one is, well, not even a rip-off of the right show. It really needs someone to come in and weird it up a bunch. Either that or they should just end every episode with Wil Wheaton blowing up the Earth to end our ignorance and savagenessalisticism. I liked the end of that one, even if they forgot that real planets aren't football-shaped. -- K. Oh, and Finland is now at least three-quarters as weird as I think it is. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Bag Bozo. Date: Tue, 15 Oct 2002 00:46:16 GMT I went to K-Mart today to look for props and clothes and kitchenware and stuff. I picked out four items: A small non-stick saucepan (my old one's become too degraded to cook anything in unless I want to create Teflon-and-rust flavored soup), some clean underwear, a metallic purple playground ball fourteen inches across (it's a prop), and a cheap spandex monk's robe (cheaper to wait until near Halloween and buy a K-Mart costume then to rent one at the costume store, and I never know when I might need a monk's robe, so I plan ahead.) I considered also getting a box of Hamburger Helper for dinner but the thought of carrying underwear, a pan, a monk's robe, a giant ball, and Hamburger Helper at the same time was too weird, possibly because the Hamburger Helper and the pan would go together and nothing else would. Besides it would have been hard to carry because the underwear was already in the pan and the robe was hooked over the pan's handle and my other hand was holding the big ball so I didn't have a good place to put the Hamburger Helper unless I put it in the pan but then I'd have to put the underwear in my mouth and that would have been silly. So, I had four items: The Halloween costume (a small bundle), a small pan, a small packet of underwear, and the great big plastic ball. Total weight: about a pound and a half. I didn't want to use the self-checkout lane (although at K-Mart those usually work pretty well, unlike the supermarket) because I was too tired and wanted someone else to do the hard work of pushing buttons and then putting stuff into bags. Guess how he bagged it? The small bundle went in a medium-size bag. The small pan went in a small bag. The small packet went in a small bag. The large ball got handed back to me. I asked for a big bag for the ball and he put it in one and said, "Sorry, I thought you didn't want it in a bag," which is one of the strangest assumptions ever made by a K-Mart employee. What, was I supposed to dribble it all the way home? Because I am a nice guy, I took my four bags, each containing one item, and left without explaining the concept of bags to the clerk. (I went outside the store and put everything into the big bag and suddenly life became simple, because I understand that the purpose of a bag is to reduce the number of things you have to hold on to.) But now that I'm thinking about it, it really seems that someone this dense will not learn how to use bags unless someone forces him to grasp that concept through powerful humiliation, so maybe I will be rude to go back and buy ten packets of bubble gum cards and then tell him, "No, I wanted NINE bags, not TEN," and then "Maybe it would be better as EIGHT bags," eventually working my way up to "You know, maybe you should combine those TWO tiny bags into ONE bag," and then yell "EUREKA! THE PURPOSE OF BAGS IS THAT YOU CAN PUT THINGS IN THEM! NOT THING! THINGS! THINGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" and also all the while I'd be eating a Snickers so as to spit peanuts and caramel and chocolate all over him when I said "THINGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" But now that I'm through typing this on the train, I'm a third of the way home, and I'm too tired to go back, so I'll let someone else go to K-Mart and teach people the basic concepts their brains so desperately lack. Also, please get me a box of Hamburger Helper. (Stroganoff.) -- K. I wonder what "beef Stroganoff" is in actual Russian cuisine. Translucent beef with a slightly different kind of mold growing on it? I have no doubt that Hamburger Helper is better that whatever the peons in Chelyabinsk eat. They should advertise it that way. "Guaranteed INAUTHENTIC Russian flavor!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Bag Bozo. Date: Wed, 16 Oct 2002 04:24:26 GMT Andrew Pearson (apearson@pt.lu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I went to K-Mart today to look for props and clothes and kitchenware > > and stuff. I picked out four items: A small non-stick saucepan > > (my old one's become too degraded to cook anything in unless I want > > to create Teflon-and-rust flavored soup), some clean underwear, > > a metallic purple playground ball fourteen inches across (it's a prop), > > and a cheap spandex monk's robe [...] > > A spandex monk's robe? Spandex? What the stretchy stuff they make those > new-fangled cycling shorts out of? Most of the monks I see around here > prefer something baggy and brown. Skin-tight stretch robes seem a little > unorthodox for the monastic community. Oh well, you'll still be better > dressed than Archimedes Plutonium. It wasn't actually spandex, as I later discovered. It just felt like it in the store because it's some really thin, stretchy synthetic that seems to be used only to make Halloween costumes and that piece of rumpled shiny cloth Sony stuffs into the clear plastic box behind every pair of $200 headphones which must be really good because otherwise they couldn't sell them in a box with wrinkled fabric around them. All of the $15 K-Mart costumes and the $55 costume-shop costumes are made out of this nameless, almost-unwashable fabric-like elastomer. Like all cheap monk's costumes, this one came with a giant crucifix on a necklace, to ensure that "Star Wars" fans won't buy this costume by accident. But in this case it's a nice gold-tone-like chain running through a little hole punched in a cross cut out of wetsuit material. No, really, it's a foam-lined waterproof neoprene cross. I don't quite understand that. Also the chain has no clasp or openings of any sort so that I can never take the flimsy foam cross off it except by accident. The other disturbing thing about this fifteen-dollar costume is that the guy wearing it in the photo on the package looks sort of like Wil Wheaton. The package says it's supposed to be a monk costume, not a Wil Wheaton costume, but if I couldn't read English I might feel cheated when I put the costume on and didn't become Wil Wheaton. Of course, if I couldn't read English I wouldn't be able to read his Web site, either, so I'd probably just think Wil Wheaton was some guy on TV who will always be a teenager, and not a talented writer I would aspire to become if I could turn into Wil Wheaton by shopping at K-Mart. -- K. Still, at least this one's more opaque than the other monk's robe I rented once. It's not very good when people on the subway are saying, "Hey! I can read the filthy slogan printed on that monk's underwear!", unless that's the effect you're going for. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hay SNIPER LOL read this punk. Date: Tue, 15 Oct 2002 04:44:04 GMT Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > What If someone shot you dead the first day ? > Did you post just befor going and killion some one ? What if it didn't > go quite like your coment ??? ???????? ???? ????? > ???? ???????????????????? ???? Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel... I think these new puzzles are too hard, even for a killion-dollar prize. > Thats a bunch of ? (Suddenly, the entire surface of the Earth is devastated by the sonic blast from several killion "DUH!" detectors going off simultaneously.) > Would the sniper blaim some one else by giving them credit like Maryland > Militia because your room mate fagot lover has a AR-15 ? > Tell you what SNIPER ,,,you fucked up . So what? I have a theory even better than yours: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxq <-- That's a bunch of "x"s AND one "q"! You can send my Nobel Prize to me, just don't expect me to sign for it if it would interrupt work on my next theory -- which will be about THREE letters. -- K. (that's four evenly-distributed "--"s) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: MAJOR CLOWN INCIDENT Date: Tue, 15 Oct 2002 09:29:07 GMT Dag Right-square-bracket-gren (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > In my ongoing quest to make Kibo think Finland is as weird as he thinks it > is, here is the latest breaking news: > > -> Finland Probes Deadly Bomb Blast > -> Sat Oct 12, 8:07 AM ET > -> > -> By MATTI HUUHTANEN, Associated Press Writer > -> > -> VANTAA, Finland (AP) - A bomb exploded in a busy suburban shopping mall > -> near where a clown was inflating balloons for children, killing seven > -> people and injuring dozens more, police said Saturday. > > Ok, there is maybe a bit of ambiguity in whether it was the clown who > killed and injured the people, but I'm sure it's just a honest mistake on > the part of the writer. You know, if I weren't bound by a non-disclosure agreement, I'd be able to tell you why I'm sorry I didn't read your article an hour ago. > > > -> Up to 2,000 people had packed into the three-story Myyrmanni mall in > -> Vantaa, about nine miles north of the capital, where a clown had been > -> inflating balloons for children. He was not using gas and is not > -> suspected in the blast. > > This worries me in several way. First, the investigation seems to be led > by some sort of clown-lover, who has gone so far as to claim this clown to > be innocent. There is no such thing as an innocent clown. > > Second, what exactly WAS he filling the ballons with, if it was not > gas? My guess is he was filling water balloons. With nitroglyceriene. I think they mean he wasn't one of the many Finnish clowns who inflate their balloons with God's natural propane vapor. "Hey kids! I'm Zippo The Clown! You'll get a bang out of this trick! Hold this Hindenballoon really tight while I shine the sun on it through Mr. Magnifying Glass!" > > > -> "The amount of explosives used was such that it could easily be carried > -> around unobserved," said Jari Liukku, chief superintendent of the > -> National Bureau of Investigation. He declined to give more details. > > An amount that could easily be concealed in, say, a really big pair of > shoes? Or maybe in a big fake nose? > > In conclusion, I would like to voice my support for the upcoming War on > Clowns. I love the smell of burning greasepaint in the morning. -- K. "Star Wars: Episode II: Attack On The Clowns" was ruined because Jar Jar was too obnoxious compared to all the killer clowns. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: K-Mart's ugly new logo Date: Wed, 16 Oct 2002 05:01:27 GMT Mark Hill pointed me to this article on Yahoo News: -> Kmart Corp. Tests a Revamped Logo -> -> Tue Oct 15, 7:28 PM ET -> -> TROY, Mich. (AP) - Kmart Corp. is testing a revamped logo, replacing its -> trademark red and blue sign with gray and lime green in an updated style. In a related story, Steve Jobs got drunk and went to work at the wrong company. Everyone at Apple Computer wondered where he was while he spent the day repainting the K-Mart logo first in peach and taupe, then in teal and ecru, and finally in dove gray and Gatorade green. He was only spotted after he got into an argument with an employee in the K-Cafe over which shade of puce the hot dogs should be. -> The new sign is on one of the bankrupt retailer's stores north of Detroit, -> the interior of which also serves as a prototype Ñ with changes that -> include brighter lighting, wider aisles and a different floor plan. -> -> Outside the store in Oakland County's White Lake Township is a Kmart sign -> with a large gray and lime-green `K,' with the word `mart' scrawled in -> white inside the upper diagonal of the `K.' If I saw a lime that color, I'd say it was pretty diseased. That lime's come down with a bad case of chartreuse. -> Kmart officials stress that the changes are simply a test. "We're going to make one of our signs uglier and see if we're still bankrupt. If that doesn't work, we're going to try putting a tiny Hello Kitty sticker on one of the toilets in the men's room. And if that doesn't work, we'll try moving the sticker to the next toilet." Then, James Cameron went down in his submarine and found an old chair from the Titanic, but when he moved it the big ship shot to the surface and all the dead people came back to life and gave him candy. -> Work on the store began in August, and it has remained open. The prototype -> has been in the planning stages since March, Kmart spokesman Jack Ferry -> said Tuesday. -> -> Kmart is trying to lure customers back into stores, after suffering -> slumping sales since it filed for Chapter 11 protection in January. At the -> time of the filing, one of the big criticisms was that stores were dirty -> and cluttered and often out of items. "Dirty and cluttered" is an understatement. My local K-Mart's toy department always looked like an earthquake threw all the toys on the floor and then ripped open the boxes and then put all the toys in its sticky mouth and then dropped a thick layer of dust onto all the empty shelves. It was beyond sloppy, into the realm of chaotic incoherence. It made CompUSA look like Herman Miller's house. Since then, they've neatened things up by not restocking when people buy stuff. Now K-Mart is still messy, but it's easier to tell if they have anything you'd want to buy now that the pile is half-size and contains only stuff nobody else wants either. I'll tell you how messy my local K-Mart was: This weekend, when I visited The Garment District's "Dollar A Pound" room, while I was wading through the mountain of used clothes, I thought, "Hey, this is just like K-Mart, except the shirts average only two stains and four footprints each." On the other hand, K-Mart never has any holes in the saggy wooden floor, so all other things being equal, I'd say that I'm not sure whether I'd rather shop in the rickety deathtrap or K-Mart. Here's my advice as a graphic designer: Hey, K-Mart, have you considered putting price tags on your items or at least putting price tags on the shelves and putting the items on those same shelves? Even Toys R Us at least gives you access to a computer you can ask what the unmarked items are supposed to be priced. Have your executives ever tried shopping in K-Mart? With the unpriced items and the thirty-minute line for the clerks? I'd respect your executive team much more if they'd eat all their meals at the grubby K-Cafe. On second though, no I wouldn't. Drop the pathetic attempt at a fast-food restaurant, fire any employee too lazy to put price tags on items or tags on shelves or items on shelves, and hire some people with fingers to push buttons on those extra twenty checkout lanes you're saving for a rainy day. Stop issuing press releases about experiments with your logo and fix your stores. If people aren't shopping at your stores it's not because your logo has the wrong two colors, it's because people have figured out that any K-Mart logo will have a crappy store behind it. -- K. Does this mean that their last rebranding (when they changed all the signs from "K-Mart" to "Big K-Mart") wasn't effective, and possibly didn't even magically make the stores bigger? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.fractals,alt.religion.kibology,soc.misc,talk.politics.theory,soc.men From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: COMMANDER BERNIER TO ALL PEOPLE ; Lee Merkel is really my brother david , computer programmist. He posted messages in google groups under a whole strring of names , probably 30 or 40 names. He is studying computer prommamning at our Quebec Univers Date: Thu, 17 Oct 2002 06:44:35 GMT Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.fractals, alt.religion.kibology, soc.misc, talk.politics.theory, and soc.men, Michel Bernier (stmichelber@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > Lee Merkel (leemerkel@peoplepc.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > Yadda yadda yadda (in french: ya-DAH ya-DAH ya-DAH) > > GO TO A HELL OF SUFFERING ON THE EARTH, MY BAD BROTHER DAVID BERNIER > THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS OF ME SINCE CHILDHOOD. > > TO THE OTHER PEOPLE, I TELL TO FOLLOW THE LIFE OF DAVID BERNIER. HE > WILL NOT BE HAPPY AND HE WILL NOT HAVE A GIRLFRIEND BEFORE 3 or 4 > YEARS. HE HAS BEEN SINNING A LOT AND THE GREEK GODS WILL PUNISH EVERY > OF HIS SINS. > > AMEN. AINSI-SOIT-IL. Most people don't have a girlfriend before 3 or 4 years. For instance, all of Lee Merkel's girlfriends are more than 3 or 4 years old. He doesn't live in one of those states where it's legal to marry a toddler (NOTE: QUEBEC IS NOT A STATE.) Unless Lee is a girl like Lee Meriwether, in which case your theory is not only wrong, but Lee looks better in a Catwoman outfit than you do. Rrowr! -- K. P.S. Is it pronounced "ber-ni-AIR" "ber-NIDIOT"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: suspects. elbows. Date: Thu, 17 Oct 2002 06:52:25 GMT Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > Where's the subscription information?... for the list server forums > 1. suspects > 2. elbows Don? I'd like you to meet your new buddy Michel. We're going to team you up with him in this special room over here. You can come out when you and your Quebecois pal have formed a two-man baseball team named the Montreal Elbows, but only if you can also tell us a joke about Pee-wee Herman's love for the Elbows. Now just tuck your arms into the holes in the walls while we zip the room shut and roll it up. Nighty-night! -- K. The next-to-worst possible result: Don could learn to speak French. The worst possible result: Michel could start speaking English. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Insult 101: (Varney and the like) Date: Thu, 17 Oct 2002 07:08:33 GMT Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's the "HERE COMES A MEME!" singers with the "HERE COMES A MEME!" backup dancers here at the "HERE COMES A MEME!" dinner theater in the "HERE COMES A MEME!" shopping mall! (music begins) (curtain rises) (a confused-looking gentleman enters, bearing a meme:) "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > Dont worry anal at will ...they are as harmless as they are incompetet (curtain falls. It goes "crinkle" for some reason. The dancers perform an interpretive dance representing the concept of "Don't worry anal at will." Master Of Memes Bob Hope shushes the audience and speaks:) "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Frazir's one-line article containing two mismatched sentence fragments will long be hailed as the most important sentence ever to introduce a new meme in which 'anal' is a verb of some sort. Possibly disgusting, but definitely quotable. Now good night, drive home safely, and don't worry, anal at will." -- K. And now, the "THERE GOES A MEME!" jugglers! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Horny man fails to find sneakers, settles for traffic cone Date: Thu, 17 Oct 2002 08:45:00 GMT Rone (of no fixed E-mail address) found this exciting newspaper article in "The Scotsman": > > -> A MAN rolled about on the ground having sex with a traffic cone as > -> stunned youths watched in disbelief, a court heard yesterday. > -> > -> Ross Watt, 33, had sex with the bollard only because he couldn't > -> get his hands on his favoured sex object - a pair of trainers. > -> Watt had gone round teenager drivers gathered at an Edinburgh > -> beauty spot asking if they would sell him their trainers. > > It's a sad day in Scotland when sheep just ain't good enough for a man. Wait, "a pair of trainers" means "a sheep"? And what's a "bollard"? I thought Scots folk were supposed to speak English with a funny accent, not a whole bunch of secret vocabulary that confuses me. I just want to read about how to have sex with an orange cone! I tried to their Web site just to make sure you weren't making this up, but the Internet seems to be down, so if I say you're pulling a darn big prank on me will you turn the Internet back on? Please? I get the feeling you've secretly replaced the entire Internet with a wacky joke novelty Internet from Spencer Gifts, because whenever I try to connect my computer says "Authenticating..." forever, proving that this is not the authentic Internet. Tell you what, I'll close my eyes, whoever took my Internet can put it back, and then I'll say something about those "round teenager drivers" who were rolling around trying to get into their cars. > rone > [LAUGH TRACK] > -- > New from the makers of Li'l Swimmers: Li'l Eaters. Edible underwear > that looks just like Mommy's and Daddy's! - Kibo That sounds like something I'd say. Why do people only quote the things I don't remember saying? -- K. "Bollards" is a word Benny Hill would enjoy. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Horny man fails to find sneakers, settles for traffic cone Date: Sun, 20 Oct 2002 02:43:59 GMT Andrew Pearson (apearson@pt.lu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Bollards" is a word Benny Hill would enjoy. > > I have a feeling that he enjoyed Bollards to the full - though not in > the way that naughty Scottish fellow did. > > Reaching deep in the prosaic bag - wot? A hole in mighty Kibo's > knowledge? I scarce believe it - a bollard is either one of those big > metal posts you use when mooring your ship at the quayside [...] > or it can also be a "short post on traffic island" Okay, I'll add it to the list of words in the part of my brain that stores all the words related to metal objects. (Two-thirds of it is a little picture of a suit of armor with a whole lot of callouts pointing at it.) Other metal-word-related questions: Those old-fashioned brass "paper fasteners" that nobody's needed since the invention of staples, but which they still sell because kids use them to fasten paper plates together in kindergarten... is there an actual word for these other than "paper fasteners"? Shouldn't "coat hangers" be called something other than "coat hangers" when they're just flimsy little wire triangles that couldn't hold the weight of an actual coat? And what's the term for the ones that are permanently attached to a hotel closet? Why do so few people properly appreciate that a "Phillips screwdriver" is not a "crosshead screwdriver", and a "Torx wrench" is not an "Allen wrench"? And finally, if I were to make an entire suit of armor out of coat hangers held together with paper fasteners, involving no actual paper or coat-hanging, how much would I sell it for on eBay, and how could I involve a Torx wrench in either the making or the selling? -- K. I use the word "stanchion" at least once a day, because it is a more euphonious word than "bollard", and also most subway trains don't have any bollards to talk about. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: My entire concept of reality as we know it has been shattered! Date: Fri, 18 Oct 2002 02:02:51 GMT I was watching a "Happy Days" rerun from 1981 set in 1961 and they went to a costume party on a boat (the premise was that the captain of the boat wanted to join the party and dressed up as a priest, and Fonzie and Jennie Piccolo entered as a bride and a groom, and they thought it would be fun to have a pretend marriage, but they didn't know that the phony priest was really a boat captain and because Lake Michigan is international waters they turned out to be really married totally and completely forever, so Jennie had to move in with Fonzie, but it turned out that the boat wasn't three miles from shore so they weren't really married, ayyyy!) and when Fonzie walked into the 1961 party there was an extra wearing a red "Star Trek" uniform and I said "EEEEEEEEK" and there was also a Mork who wasn't Robin Williams and I said "DOUBLE EEEEEEEEEEEK" and then my head exploded and my brain fell out and Fonzie jumped up and down on it for a while because I'm not sure whether it's 1961, 1968, 1981, or the 23rd century all at the same time and I have lost the ability to end sentences. Whoa! -- K. Still, it was better than yesterday's rerun of the episode where a mad scientist drained Fonzie's cool which made him turn gay. Bear in mind these intensely bozotic episodes are only from the middle years, not the final years which took place in a setting Rod Serling would call "a totally fucked-up dimension." These episodes have Real Potsie, Replacement Potsie (Eugene), and Replacement Ralph (Bobby), whereas the final years had only Replacement Replacement Potsie (Melvin) and everyone really DID get married. I like to pretend that the show is still being made for some secret TV channel nobody can see, and I am Replacement Replacement Replacement Fonzie. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My entire concept of reality as we know it has been shattered! Date: Sat, 19 Oct 2002 03:11:13 GMT Jorn Barger (jorn@enteract.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Kibo's message was brought to me by: > > 50,000+ Costume Wigs Costume Wigs WOW WIGS Superstore > Big selection of styles, 1000's of wigs, beards, Fashion, Costume, > colors, & free shipping and accessories for all Halloween, Fun, Human > within the USA! all price ranges. hair wigs. Free shipping. I'm having trouble with this word-search puzzle. I found "human shipping" but I can't find "the world's longest bacon strip", and I've looked everywhere, even under the bed. Word-search puzzles are hard! Please change it to a puzzle for people for normal intelligence, like a maze. -- K. I connected all the dots in the world and just got a big picture of solid black. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My entire concept of reality as we know it has been shattered! Date: Sun, 20 Oct 2002 03:00:06 GMT James Vandenberg (james@vandenberg.dropbear.id.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Jorn Barger (jorn@enteract.com) wrote: > > > > > > Kibo's message was brought to me by: > > > > > > 50,000+ Costume Wigs Costume Wigs WOW WIGS Superstore > > > Big selection of styles, 1000's of wigs, beards, Fashion, Costume, > > > colors, & free shipping and accessories for all Halloween, Fun, Human > > > within the USA! all price ranges. hair wigs. Free shipping. > > > > I'm having trouble with this word-search puzzle. I found "human shipping" > > but I can't find "the world's longest bacon strip", and I've looked > > everywhere, even under the bed. > > I just like the revolutionary slogan "Free Shipping and Accessories for > All!" Viva la Revolution! Sadly, the Million-Accessory March turned out to just be one really overdressed guy. Speaking of exciting political slogans that fit on T-shirts, today on the train there was a guy with a "United We Stand" T-shirt that showed fireworks exploding over the Statue Of Liberty, but whoever drew the Statue Of Liberty didn't seem to realize she was supposed to be holding a torch, because where the flame should be there was just a big green gum bubble, as if she was holding a cone of highly reflective ice cream. Bubble gum flavored ice cream! YAY FOR AMERICA THE INVENTORS OF BUBBLE GUM ICE CREAM! NO BUBBLE GUM ICE CREAM FOR YOU, REST OF THE WORLD! AND DON'T EVEN ASK ABOUT GETTING REESES PIECES ON YOUR FRENCH VANILLA OR WHATEVER OTHER CRAPPY COMMUNIST FLAVORS YOU PEOPLE HAVE! -- K. The only other gross flavor of ice cream to make such a strong statement of defiance to the rest of the world was the Flavor Of The Month at Baskin-Robbins for ninety long days in 1980: CAN'T STOP THE NUTS! Sadly, the funniest thing associated with the Village People's movie was the name of its official ice cream flavor. I nominate "CAN'T STOP THE NUTS!" as the new slogan for sci.physics. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.fractals,alt.religion.kibology,soc.misc,talk.politics.theory,soc.men From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: RE; COMMANDER BERNIER TO ALL PEOPLE: Lee Merkel isd really David Bernier, so is Dave Delaney and James KIBO Parry. Now , I AM CALLED MISTER MICHEL BERNIER AND MY INTERNET ADDRESS IS stmichelber@sympatico.ca AND I LIVE AT 825 BEAUREGARD AND MY BAD BR Date: Fri, 18 Oct 2002 02:29:59 GMT Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.quebecois In sci.fractals, alt.religion.kibology, soc.misc, talk.politics.theory, and soc.men, Michel Bernier (stmichelber@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > MY BAD BROTHER DAVID BERNIER, COMPUTER PROGRAMMIST. I WILL GET YOU: MY > REASONING POWERS ARE STRONGER THAN YOURS AND IT IS PUNISHMENT FOR YOU > TO GO WITHOUT A GIRLFRIEND FOR 4 YEARS BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER HAVE HAD > ONE AND ON TOP OF THIS YOU WILL CHANGE TOWNS IN 6 MONTHS TIME. YOU > ARE GOING TO LIVE IN A LESS GOOD TOWN THAN QUEBEC BECAUSE YOU DO NOT > MERIT LIVING HERE. Oh, come on. Quebec City never even merited having an NHL hockey team with a logo that didn't look like it was designed by shaking a box of Colorforms. And now it doesn't even merit having an NHL hockey team at all. Did you snap when they took Badaboum away? And let me put it another way: Quebec City doesn't even have a shopping mall as big as Edmonton. Quebec City pales in comparison to Edmonton, Calgary's little brother! I think you should cut back on the spruce beer until you come to your senses and see what Quebec City would look like without the spruce beer goggles. > ALSO, YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE ME PASS FOR LEE MERKEL AND JAMES KIBO > PARRY BUT THE SMART PEOPLE OF INTERNET WILL NOT BE FOOLED BY THIS > BECAUSE YOU ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO PUT ME DOWN AND ALSO THE FACT THAT > YOU SAY THE OPPOSITE OF ME ON EVERY SUBJECT. I think it would be pretty hard for anyone to try to make you pass for me. For instance, I can't speak crazy in French. If you want me to be you, you'll have to make me fluent in French, and then take away all the parts of my brain that would allow me to make sense. I'm just not fluent and incoherent at the same time. > ZEUS THE SUPREME GOD HAS SAID TO ME IN MY DREAMS AT NIGHT THAT HE > IS READY TO DISH OUT MUCH MORE PUNISHMENTS TOWARDS YOU, YOU HAVE ONLY > GONE TO BED WITH PROSTITUTES In YOUR LIFE AND YOU GO ON DOING THIS > EVEN KNOW. YOU F*CK THEM NOT AT THE RIGHT PLACE. I apologize for saying you were slightly too stupid to release the "caps lock" key on your keyboard. The presence of a single random lowercase letter above now indicates you're too stupid to even find the "caps lock" key on your keyboard. Which foot have you been keeping on the "shift" key? > MESSAGE TO ALL GIRLS OF THE INTERNET: NO GIRL HAS BEEN INTERESTED > SEXULALLY IN MY BROTHER DAVID, ONLY PROSTITUTES AND THEY STAYED WITH > HIM NO LONGER THAN A COUPLE OF DAYS: IT WAS IN THAILAND. I was going to try to use the word "sexulallygagging" in a sentence but I just don't have the heart to do it. It would be mean to make fun of every last neologism you use, mainly because you're such an idiot. > AMEN. AINSI-SOIT-IL. > > > ZEUS > HERA > POSEIDON > DEMETER > HERMES > GODESSE OF HERMES > ARES > APHRODITE > ST-MICHEL ARCHANGE (JESUS-CHRIST) ( CAPTAIN KIRK) You misspelled "SHAZAM" as "ZHPDHGAAS". Also, you're supposed to be Captain Picard, not Captain Kirk. Captain Kirk was the one who talked like a pompous Shakespearean actor. Captain Picard was the one with the French accent. In any case, I outrank you because I am a Space Viking Class 7 and also Replacement Replacement Replacement Fonzie In Outer Space. > THIS IS THE REPARTITION OF POWER IN THE UNIVERSE AND IT WILL BE FOR > EVER, FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY. > > AMEN. AINSI-SOIT-IL. Shazbot. Doidy-doidy-doidy. -- K. Or, as Hannu Poropudas, once said: "Pooooooz" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Two ITems Date: Sat, 19 Oct 2002 03:58:47 GMT Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > First, I had sushi for lunch yesterday and it was surprisignly good. I > had the kind with the raw fish, including many different kinds of fish. > I recognized salmon. There were others, including a slice of octupus > avec suckers. I noticed yesterday that now not only does the Prudential Star have those three adjacent signs saying "WARNING: SUSHI PRODUCTS MAY CONTAIN RAW FISH", but they're also having all the sushi boxes personally initialled by Robert Anton Wilson, inventor of a machine that can turn gold into sushi. I have a great new story about an encounter with a checkout-lane bozo during that visit, but it's too large to fit in this space. I'll tell you later. > I also had a great dinner - mixed seafood grill - at the Crab Cracker in > Kirkland WA. See, if I stay at Motel 6, I can get dinner for the price > of a clean comfortable room > > OK, I have 3 things: > > Second: At the Motel 6, wakeup calls have a recording of Tom Bodett > screaming at you to get your ass out of bed. [...] Could be worse. Could be a recording of Tom Carvel. And it could be one of those new phones that can accurately transmit lung mucus into your ear. When he died, I was disappointed that they didn't find another diseased-sounding guy to hawk Carvel ice cream cakes while hawking into a microphone. > Third: I made a PUN type joke out of Mr Kibo's Cheap Monk post, and NO > ONE has sent me any fan mail for it. I am so funny by mistake, and so > lame when I try to be funny on purpose I think they're waiting for you to zing me for one of the other, far more humiliating costumes I'm assembling this month just in case I get invited to twelve different Halloween parties the same night. "I swear I thought it was a MAN'S Xena kilt when I bought it!" > OK, that is all for now. > > > Best, Marie That's "Rose Marie" east of the Rockies. -- K. Now please tell me why the makers of Special K cereal think we're so dumb that they have to call strawberries "red berries" on the box. (I'd ask Kenton, but I'm scared of ex-truckers.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Supermarket checkout line bozo encounter! Date: Sat, 19 Oct 2002 04:27:05 GMT Last night I went to the Prudential Star Market because I needed foil (for cooking) and water (for drinking) and bleach (for a cowl that was too dark.) Plus I wanted to sort of actually buy some food, too. (I bought some chicken and made chicken soup.) When I got to the checkout lane -- the only one that was open but not "express" -- there were two people in front of me. A man and a woman, very likely recent arrivals in this country. They may or may not have been a couple, but if so, they were paying for separate groceries. The man had his groceries on the forward end of the big rubber belt, and he had put the divider bar behind them (this being one of those rare days when the Prudential Star has real divider bars) but for some reason the woman wasn't taking her three items out of the cart and putting them on the two-thirds of the belt that were empty. She waited until the man had completely cleared the belt and the clerk had taken the divider bar away, and then she put her gallon of cow milk on the belt. She reached into the cart to get her quart of soy milk, and set it on the belt, but by then the cow milk had moved down so she retrieved it and moved it back to where the soy milk was. When she fished her third item out of the cart (a can of oatmeal) she was surprised to see that her other two items had moved again, and the cow milk had reached the photocell that stopped the belt, so she now spread out the three items along the entire length: me weirdo DIRECTION OF TRAVEL =======> cashier | | | V V V ___cow milk_______________________________________________________ 1. (__________________________________________________________________) ________________________cow milk__________________________________ 2. (__________________________________________________________________) ___soy milk_________________________________cow milk______________ 3. (__________________________________________________________________) _______soy milk__cow milk_________________________________________ 4. (__________________________________________________________________) __________________________soy milk__cow milk______________________ 5. (__________________________________________________________________) ___oatmeal___________________________________soy milk__cow milk___ 6. (__________________________________________________________________) ___oatmeal__________________soy milk___________________cow milk___ 7. (__________________________________________________________________) I stood there waiting for the Special Lady to have her Special Milk rung up so that I would be allowed to start putting my more-than-three groceries on the belt that clearly only had room for her three Special Groceries. This took a while because she got into an odd argument with the clerk: (Clerk reaches toward cow milk, about to ring it up) Special Lady (very loud but inarticulate): "DAT ON SALE!" Clerk: "Huh?" Special Lady: "DAT ON SALE!" (points to picture in flyer) (Clerk scans the milk.) Clerk: "It's two-seventy-nine. Do you still want it?" Special Lady: (pointing to picture of "$2.79" starburst) "YES! DAT ON SALE!" It took a few moments for the clerk to reassure the woman that the supermarket knew that the "$2.79" sticker on the milk and the "$2.79" starburst in the flyer meant that, indeed, "$2.79" was the sale price. She paid for her three groceries and headed for one of the two exits. The one the Prudential Star seals up at night (because it goes to the shopping mall instead of to the street.) She was about four feet from the locked door when the clerk helpfully called out to her, "That door's locked!" Then the clerk says to me, "You'd think the baskets would be a hint." I looked over and saw that there were two six-foot-high stacks of shopping baskets positioned to block the door in such a way that you'd have to be a complete moron not to get the idea that they didn't want you to go out through the locked, blocked, inaccessible door. When I left, Special Lady and her male companion were still in front of the forbidden door, looking bewildered. I decided not to stop and help them find the other door because I had to go watch TV. Of course, the other door is only twenty feet away and easily visible from the bad door, so if they didn't follow me out, they were probably below the intelligence level where they could have been helped if I had waved semaphore flags towards the actual door while yelling "DAT DOOR OPEN! DAT DOOR OPEN!" -- K. I forgot to get foil. Also, I need some old-fashioned brass paper fasteners of the kind nobody uses any more, so tomorrow I'll try to find a market that hasn't updated its stationery aisle in seventy years. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: and a sweet, creamy immie inside Date: Sun, 20 Oct 2002 03:38:08 GMT This is from Hood County News Online (hcnews.com), except for the missing parenthesis, which is neither here nor there: -> -> Marble found in M&M's -> -> (Wednesday, October 16, 2002 -> -> A marble instead of a peanut in your M&M's? It's not only untasty, it's -> downright dangerous. -> -> That was what Glenda Cooper of Granbury decided when she found that her -> three-pound bag of M&M's candy contained a chocolate-covered cobalt blue -> glass marble instead of a peanut. What's the problem? "Marble" _is_ an "M" word, unlike peanut. She should complain about all the peanuts because the bag didn't say "P&P". -> She called the 800 number on the package to complain and was told that -> M&M's quality control would need to see the foreign object in the candy. -> The company is sending her an envelope to return the marble. And then the United States Postal Service will cancel the stamp with a *SCRUNCH* and an envelope of fine blue powder will arrive, causing yet another anthrax scare at a candy factory that doesn't even make anthrax spores any more. (Only Reeses Pieces still contain anthrax.) -> "I have seven grandchildren," she said. "If one of them had bitten into -> this, they probably would have just swallowed it. They could have choked -> on it." -> -> The package was purchased at Sam's Club. We needed to know this because obviously Sam's Club (aka Wal-Mart) gets its M&Ms from a different supplier than all the other stores. Also, all other stores routinely test their bags of M&Ms with a marble-detecting magnetron. BOO FOR SAM'S CLUB BECAUSE THEY SOLD A THING WITH A THING IN IT! -- K. Also, I'm jealous that the newspaper writer invented the word "untasty" before I could. It's such a wonderfully unwordy word!