Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Signs Of A Bad Library Date: Fri, 1 Nov 2002 04:49:20 GMT "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Subject: Signs Of A Bad Library > > 1) The lobby contains a police sub-station There's nothing wrong with that. They usually don't use the frightening term "police sub-station", though, preferring the more descriptive "Saklad control department." > 2) The Star Trek books consist of a battered novelization of the > Voyager pilot, one of Kirk's many autobiographies and a collated > folder full of homosexual Pike/Picard porn. You don't have to worry because that folder will always be checked out and long overdue. > 3) Razor blades in the children's Star Wars novels. Yeah, because those are both clearly things for grown-ups. > 4) When you check under the bathroom's stall doors to see if anyone > is in them, each stall contains four shoes. ...especially if they're horseshoes. > 5) The Civil War battlefield photo books can't be opened because all > the pages are stuck together. Also someone already did all the Mad Magazine "Fold-Ins" on every page of the encyclopedia, even though it's not supposed to have any. > 6) It costs six bucks to rent a movie. It SHOULD! What, you want to make it easy to accidentally rent library- quality movies? If you want to see a good movie, go home and watch TV! > 7) The perverts hanging by the children section become worried because the > amount of kids going in are more then the amount coming out. WANNA HEAR A DIRTY JOKE? TWO KIDS WENT INTO THE LIBRARY! WANNA HEAR A DIRTIER ONE? THREE CAME OUT! HAW HAW HAW HAW!!! > 8) The internet terminals are all filtered but the filters are so bad, they > allow child porn through. And the porn has burned itself into the screen. A truly bad library would solve that problem by using thicker filters, such as twelve layers of Rubylith alternating with vulcanized rubber. > 9) The librarians are so old they don't get up half the time to help you > find the history books...they just tell you what they remember first hand. Don? Lots42 needs his computer back... I hear they have ones you can use over at some building downtown. You know, the book place. -- K. Just head for the building that smells like books and perverts. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Barry's Astronomy-style Pork Date: Fri, 1 Nov 2002 04:59:22 GMT Roger Bonine (rbonine@newsguy.com) wrote: > > I had a dream about said establishment a few nights ago. It seemed to > be a BBQ joint. I find this to be both amusing and mildly disturbing. > > So can anybody tell me if there really is such a place? Have you eaten > there, or do you know anybody who has? Please reply soon - this is for > a school project. I don't think "Barry's Astronomy-Style Pork" is a place to eat. I think it's more of a thing perverts do, as illustrated in Jodie Foster's porno film "Full Contact": "I'm gonna make you squeal like Carl Sagan!" Then Ving Rhames came in and said "I'm gonna git sidereal on yo' ass!" And then Dave Foley accidentally knocked over his own light cone, causing him to watch those two scenes over and over, and he lived happily ever after. The End. > Oh, and let me be the first to welcome myself. And let me be the first to apologize for nailing together so many cheap shots in one paragraph. Also, today was a very cold Halloween, so after posing for a few photos in my costume, I decided to spend the rest of the day staying home polishing my helmet. I mean, I didn't want it to rust before the next time I wear my armor, because a week is a long time. -- K. I apologize if this article has ruined your beautiful dream. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Barry's Astronomy-style Pork Date: Thu, 7 Nov 2002 09:22:53 GMT Gregory King (greg@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I apologize if this article has ruined your beautiful dream. > > Coincidentally, I had a dream last night where (someone claiming to be) > Kibo came to visit me at my parents' house. > > All I really remember is that he RUINED everything. Everything? You mean I somehow ruined that live-action "Cat In The Hat" movie with the really horribly deformed Mike Myers in hideous makeup that makes small children cry? I find it hard to believe that even I could ruin something which is already as terrifyingly defective as that movie is going to be. I also don't think I ruined all the dairy products they sell at Walgreen's. I think that happened naturally. It just seems to happen whenever milk sits next to a triple-priced burrito for more than two months. I also did not ruin the burritos from Walgreen's, although I did prevent them from getting three times tastier when they marked them up from 33c to 99c. I did, however, ruin the final season of "Happy Days", when they renamed the show "Potsie's Place" and they introduced me playing Potsie Junior. I was only eight, but I should still be blamed. You may remember the "TV Guide" cover where I'm sitting on Potsie's knee, made up like a ventriloquist dummy. This is why I now go by the name Kibo, because the producers decided that instead of paying me it would be cheaper to legally change my name to Potsie Jr., so I could no longer use my original name because it had been legally changed, and I can't keep calling myself Potsie Jr. because they threatened to sue me for approrpriating the valuable intellectual property of "Potsie's Place", so now I'm Kibo. I also apologize for the episode where I burned down the library while playing with matches so the entire town had to pitch in rebuilding the library and we put on shiny tuxedos and sang about the Dewey Decimal System to a medley of disco and rap tunes. Oh, also, I ruined the environment when I built a solid Styrofoam factory to produce toxic, indestructible plastic animation cels for Ted Turner to draw "Captain Planet" on. When all life on Earth is destroyed, you can put up a plaque saying it was all my fault, except for the milk at Walgreen's, and those burritos, which will probably survive the destruction of the ozone layer, and will also still have cold spots after the cosmic rays fry the planet and anything that can enjoy burritos. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go ruin Pepto-Bismol by whispering in the ear of sleeping pharmaceutical executives: "TEAL! TEAL! TEAL!" -- K. Mike Myers as "The Cat In The Hat" is the most horrifying image burned into my retinas since Bruce Jenner wore hot pants. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Adventures in Pac-Man Date: Thu, 7 Nov 2002 08:37:25 GMT On November 3, Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > Earlier, I could routinely get to the fourth level on one life. Now, > I'm lucky to make it out of the first. > > Why? Because I started worrying about that worthless cherry that jumps > in and does laps around the ghost pen. That's Ms. Pac-Man, dude. Regular Pac-Man has a cherry that just sits there like a rock or something. In Pac-Man Plus, it's a can of Generic Coke, and in Pac-Man Jr. all the fruits have turned into toys that walk around eating your power pills and crapping out big sticky dots. (Note that in the original, Galaxians were considered fruits.) Don't get me started on Super Pac-Man, Pac-Land, Pac-Mania, Baby Pac-Man, and Mr. & Mrs. Pac-Man (the latter two games were half a pinball machine nailed to a videogame, and a pinball machine nailed to half a videogame, respectively.) Super Pac-Man's the easiest. Oh, and I almost forgot Pac & Pal, the one nobody loved. But it's easy too, especially if you keep hitting the "Killer Halitosis" button that lets Pac-Man shoot the ghosts with deadly expanding circles emanating from his mouth, penetrating ghosts and their Gardol Shields. I can understand that one might freak you out because it has all the fruits on every screen at the same time, and that little green ghost who keeps carrying the fruits away, plus it has a lemon and none of the others had lemons, just the weird fruits they have in Japan. > [...] > > And suddenly, I started to notice when the cherry was thump-thump-thumping > its way out of the escape tunnels. I started to chase after it as soon > as it showed up, and as a consequence I usually ended up with Pinky all > over me. Damn you, Pinky! > > And even though I've identified the problem, I can't get my zen back. > This always happens when I lose my zen. What's worse is when you mention Pac-Man on the Internet and immediately Hollywood gets a bad idea from you. On November 5, a mere 48 hours after you mentioned your love of Pac-Man, The Hollywood Reporter printed a story that some company named Crystal Sky has spent an undisclosed amount buying the film rights to Pac-Man... for a live-action movie. No, really. Live-action Pac-Man movie. DAMN YOU, NICK BENSEMA! DAMN YOU TO THE EXACT CENTER OF AN INFINITELY LONG TUNNEL WHICH GOES ALL THE WAY OFF THE RIGHT EDGE OF THE UNIVERSE AND COMES BACK ON THE LEFT! Still, I suppose Hollywood deserved SOMEONE giving them an idea that bad, so in a way, I'm glad it was you. Here's my professional opinion on how they could pull this off: They need to get that wacky Kramer guy from "Seinfeld" and that wacky principal woman from "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" and they can run around eating pies and then Andy Kaufman would come in and beat them all up and the Masked Magician would reveal how to swallow a sword and suffer from internal bleeding, then Kramer would turn into Richard Belzer and George Shapiro would become Danny DeVito, causing the real Danny DeVito to vanish, due to The Law Of Conservation Of DeVitos In Live-Action Movies Based On Sixteen-Color Video Games, and any violations of that law would result in Andy Kaufman being exiled to a sixteen-color island unless another quiz show scandal resulted in Jack Barry being put on a kids' show where he could tell kids how to draw on their TV screens to make a boat. Sadly, they probably won't do something that awesome. It'll probably just be Ezio Greggio in a T-shirt with sticky letters on it that say "PACK MAN", and then Leslie Nielsen would chase him around while yawning, and then there would be a disclaimer screen explaining that the movie is not meant as a serious portrayal of people with eating disorders, who have very hard lives and deserve our pity, especially if they're so fat that they can't get up and walk out on movies like this one. -- K. I believe I just accidentally made Trizantine weave. Oh, there's my problem -- I forgot to interlock Andy Kaufman's real twin brother with Danny DeVito's imaginary evil twin. MISS PIGGY'S SPECIAL WAS RUINED!