Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: It's official. Now I hate "South Park". Date: Fri, 3 Jan 2003 08:30:42 GMT Remember a few years ago, when "South Park" premiered, and I almost fell off the floor because they kept making fun of the "Mr. High Hat" puppet that I have hated, hated, HATED for the past thirty years? And how nobody ever believes me that I actually had a teacher with THAT F'ING PUPPET? Well, now I must say this: DAMN YOU, "SOUTH PARK"! YOUR OPEN MOCKERY OF THAT EVIL PUPPET HAS GIVEN THEM THE IDEA TO START SELLING IT AGAIN TO PURGE THE JOY FROM A NEW GENERATION OF CHILDREN! For only sixteen dollars, you can now buy your very own Mr. High Hat and use it to give well-adjusted children special "therapy" that will warp them for life. Look, an actual picture of Mr. High Hat: http://www.agsnet.com/Group.asp?nGroupInfoID=highhat I last saw him in about 1977, so I can't vouch for that being exactly the same design as the original Mr. High Hat that tormented me, but I do see that not only have they revived Mr. High Hat, but they've also started selling the matching rubber stamps again. The ones where when you try your best, the teacher mashes one into the back of your hand and the purple ink won't wash off before the other kids see it and beat you up for bearing The Purple Stigmata Of Mr. High Hat. I suppose the puppet himself isn't necessarily evil. But the teacher I had was, especially when he was making Mr. High Hat talk to me. If I had a time machine, I'd definitely have a difficult time choosing between using it to end all wars, and just using it to assassinate Mr. High Hat in 1973. THAT HAT BASTARD!!! -- K. Incidentally, the teacher in question liked to tell war stories involving pulling people's ears off. And how many of YOU had a teacher who taught such important lessons about dismemberment fantasies? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: It's official. Now I hate "South Park". Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 03:22:29 GMT phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And how many of YOU had a teacher who taught such important lessons > > about dismemberment fantasies? > > I had a teacher in high school who screwed us out of our feild trip, so > instead he brought in some slides of some pictures he took when he was a > helicopter pilot in The War Against Viet Nam and Sanity. One slide was a > chixor who was carrying around her blue decomposing baby and another one > was one of his comrades who got minced up by the blades of a crashed > helicopter. Is that the kind of teacher you had in mind? Only if he actually killed the baby and the comrade by ripping their ears off with his bare hands, or if he at least ripped the slides up with his bare hands after you saw them. You get half credit if the reason you had to miss the field trip was that he kept shouting "Permission slips are a tool OF THE GOVERNMENT!!!" -- K. Let your conscience be your guide! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: It's official. Now I hate "South Park". Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 03:16:54 GMT [regarding Mr. High Hat, educational hand-puppet] Ted Frank (moe@radix.net) wrote: > > Ryan W. Mead (ryanmead1985@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > I remember a story about him emphasizing the "R" sound > > in which he helped a rabbit with red stripes lose the stripes > > and become a regular rabbit. > > I had a rabbi with red stripes once. Does that make you the big-eared Darrin or the in-the-closet Darrin? I recall that was a pretty lame episode, so I bet it was one of the ones with the second Darrin. It was certainly in color because the stripes drawn on Sam's face were definitely red. I don't recall the details, but I'm sure I can re-create the entire episode: ...Dr. Bombay gives Sam the wrong witch medicine for her witch cold. She breaks out in red stripes during Darrin's presentation to a client. Mr. Tate fires him but the client says "Red striped rashes! What a brilliant new way to advertise my peanut butter!" and Darrin is re-hired at exactly the same salary he's re-hired at every week. Then Endora accidentally duplicates all my E-mail because I changed the time zone on my computer. > According to groups.google.com, Kibo has not made a post about Lardo-brand > candy since January 24, 2002. The fourth anniversary of the original > ark reference to Lardo will be on February 8, 2003. Please light a > candle. But how do I know that the candle won't have been made in a factory that molds candles from pig rectums on alternate days? -- K. I noticed that "beef bacon" is now available even in my local non-kosher supermarket, where it's somewhat cheaper than the "beef fry" at the kosher market. Is either worth trying? Or are they almost as bad as that vegetarian fake bacon? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: It's official. Now I hate "South Park". Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 03:04:33 GMT Ryan W. Mead (ryanmead1985@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Watashi no kyoko taskarawaba*, I remember High Hat. (There was no > "Mr." in his name.) There was if you knew the same creepy teacher/therapist/asshole I did. > I never saw him in puppet form, but in illustrations in books. > His purpose was (and appears to still be) to teach phonics. Again, that's for NORMAL teachers. > I remember a story about him emphasizing the "R" sound in which he > helped a rabbit with red stripes lose the stripes and become a > regular rabbit. So you're saying he taught conformity, plus a tiny amount of phonics? > *Phonetic spelling of Kaga's introduction on Iron Chef, translated as > "If memory serves me right." Why don't they just skip all the chef stuff and let the memory serve the pickled squid? And when are they going to show the episode with Pink Lady Without Jeff? And yes, I have the entire run of "Pink Lady & Jeff" on DVD. My favorite's the one where they're actually allowed to sing a song in Japanese, because it has Robbie The Robot. -- K. Bob Kinoshita is my hero! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Story: Einstein's Medieval Christmas (2002) Date: Fri, 3 Jan 2003 09:10:10 GMT John Stone (jdfs@softhome.net) wrote: > > Kibo wrote a mean-spirited story with the word "Christmas" in it. I > can't improvise fiction on demand. I think L. Ron Hubbard could. YAY, NOW I AM L. RON HUBBARD! Now if only I could remember where I left that pyramid filled with solid gold bars... Also, aren't all my stories mean-spirited? Except for this one: SPOT'S HAPPY NEW YEAR "Hey, Kibo!" yapped Spot, "I just gave you all the candy in the world because I wuv you so much!" "Golly gee, thanks!" said Kibo, who now had all the candy in the world. Now Spot had no candy. He starved to death. ...whoops. Let me try that again: SPOT'S HAPPIER NEW YEAR "Hey Kibo!" yapped Einstein, "I just brought Spot back from the dead! And I fixed his speech impediment so now he sounds normal!" "ARF! ARF!" said Spot. He began chasing his tail in circles, happy to be alive, until the mountain of candy fell on him. ...oops. Third time's the charm: SPOT DOESN'T DIE IN THIS STORY "THE END!" yelled Spot. Then the story ended... before he died. THE END! -- K. Fun fact: Right now, on my TV, Barbara Bain is lying about how much she loves Captain Kangaroo. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Story: Einstein's Medieval Christmas (2002) Date: Fri, 3 Jan 2003 11:39:51 GMT Sean Case (gsc@zip.com.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Fun fact: Right now, on my TV, Barbara Bain is lying about how > > much she loves Captain Kangaroo. > > Should I be worried that I understand this reference? Only if Matt McIrvin doesn't, because he is alt.religion.kibology's yardstick for whether you're weird enough to understand Kibo's references. If you're more well-versed than him in the field of study of Barbara Bain's filthy lies about Captain Kangaroo, then you're probably weird enough that you won't want to worry about whether you're too weird, because you're so weird that you'd be happy to be weird, unlike normal weird people who normally want to be not weird. Or, to put it in simpler terms, when Ted Turner's TV networks preface a bad old horror movie with that "100% WEIRD!" graphic, you just snort and say, "Yeah, Ted, go find me one that's 300% weirder than that." So if you've gone beyond the McIrvin Limit, you're weird enough to understand me completely, and you can do society a valuable service by exploring the limitless space out there beyond the dotted line that separates most people from the People Who Know What Kibo Meant. Of course, if Matt _did_ understand that reference, then you're no weirder than he is, and therefore boring. -- K. So did you like Robert Wise's cameo in that movie where Christopher Lee played Captain Kangaroo? And if Tom Arnold really was his own grandpa, would he be justified in trying to kill Captain Kangaroo? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Classic arcade games you've never played 2003 - part one Date: Fri, 3 Jan 2003 09:16:42 GMT Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > I didn't know this but some of the circuit boards for arcades > deliberately kill themselves if they haven't been played for a while. Ooh! Ooh! Is that also true of videotapes? I want to be really sure before I bury this time capsule containing thousands of "Baby Geniuses" tapes. -- K. Also, I will be carving a hundred-mile-wide triangle into the earth above the site to warn space aliens not to dig there. After all, the equilateral triangle is the universal symbol for "don't look at this". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: INSTANT DVD REVIEW: Star Trek: TNG Season 7 boxed set Date: Fri, 3 Jan 2003 09:31:48 GMT [Tom reviews "Star Trek" reruns, and I cannot allow his rampant sarcasm to go unanswered] Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > GENESIS: Kibo's favorite episode. Riker gets left in charge of the > ship after Picard goes chasing after an errant torpedo and of course > things just go right in the toilet. Crusher gives Barclay some > medical techno-babble fake gene that makes the rest of the crew > regress into various animals. Barclay becomes a frenetic spider, > Riker turns into a caveman, Troi turns into a frog, Worf becomes this > venom-spitting monster (cool!), and other stuff. Pretty stupid stuff. That's not my favorite, even though it includes a scene where a large fraction of Riker's brain vanishes and then later he's the same as usual. My favorite is "Tomorrow The Universe", one of the unproduced scripts from the original series where Kirk challenges Hitler to a battle of wits. However, he hoodwinks Hitler by having Scotty paint a giant swastika on the Enterprise. There was no mention of scraping it off later, so I assume that for the rest of the fourth season the Enterprise would have had a swastika on it. THAT DARN HITLER! The only other unproduced script from the original series I've read was one in which they were taken prisoner on an Industrial Revolution-era planet and lots of boring stuff happened but they signalled the Enterprise to come get them by having Uhura pull the lever to make a steam whistle signal in Interplanetary Morse Code so loud that the Enterprise could hear it in space. The script said "NOTE: NOT ACTUAL MORSE CODE" because the network didn't want to get in trouble for sending false alarms to any spaceships if someone's TV was really loud. And some of the "Star Trek: Phase II" scripts were just as good. Unfortunately, the best ones were the ones that they filmed after changing "Decker" to "Riker" and "Ilia" to "Troi". But the others... ow. -- K. And let's not forget the "Star Trek: Voyager" episode which was so bad that there were rumors Paramount might never show it. But they did anyway: "Twisted" featured everyone wandering around in the only corridor set because a "distortion ring" had switched all the room number stickers on the doors. No, really. Still, I'm sure the current series ("Enterprise") will top it eventually, especially if they do another episode where the captain spends the whole show caring for his sick dog. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: True-life Animal-57 update Date: Fri, 3 Jan 2003 09:39:36 GMT Jorn Barger (jorn@enteract.com) quoted a New Scientist article: > > > Lab-grown steaks nearing the menu > > > > Fancy a beefburger, but want to spare the cow? Tissue > > engineers experimenting with ways of growing meat in a > > lab dish could soon provide a solution. > > > > The aim of the work is to develop food for astronauts > > on long space journeys, such as a mission to Mars. But > > like much other space research, what happens up there > > could one day become commonplace down here too - just > > look what happened to Velcro. > > Taco Bell is using Velcro!? Yes, it's part of their master plan. They want to create tacos which will stick to every square inch of your clothing they're dropped on, but can still disintegrate before you even touch them. I've seen the documents. They have some secret system where they will make trillions of dollars by gluing tiny taco shards all over people. I can prove it -- look at what's been happening to the price of tinfoil, especially in hat sizes. CASE CLOSED. -- K. Incidentally, velcro killed Gus Grissom, and it wasn't even in his taco! During the investigation, Richard Feynman demonstrated how much worse the explosion could have been, by dipping a strip of Velcro into a taco. Then he spent six weeks trying to figure out the meaning of "Go for it!" and "Run for the border!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Who stole my sweatpants?? Date: Fri, 3 Jan 2003 09:49:58 GMT Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > This afternoon, I had a shower. Just before the shower I was wearing a blue > t-shirt and blue sweatpants and black Totes socks. I took off my clothes, > had my shower and have not been able to find the clothes since then. They > have vanished. I have, as many of you know, a very tiny apartment. I have > looked everywhere for these clothes but they are gone. *POOF* Gone! I > have looked in the hamper, in the bed, under the couch cushions, ON THE > FRONT PORCH, on every doorknob, every drawer, every little place that > clothing likes to go to hide. Gone I tell you. Here's my suggestion: Get one of those jars of Trader Joe's tomato soup, the kind that comes in the really tall skinny olive jars that can barely stand upright. Then bring it home and just wait for it to get spilled. (Trader Joe's soup is great for spilling.) I guarantee you that the tall narrow column of no-brand tomato glop will fall diagonally, heading directly for your favorite article of clothing, especially if it's part of a large pile of non-tomato-proof stuff. If you're lucky enough not to have Trader Joe's up there Toronto, you can always go to some Loblaw's-derived discount store such as The Real Canadian Discount Store, and substitute No Name brand soup, as long as you first put it into a flower vase coated with axle grease, or other easy-to-spill ungainly Trader Joe's shape. (Their other shape of soup is cans with weird bulges to make them look like they're about to explode in your face from mutant megabotulism.) Honest Ed's probably has some factory-reject Trader Joe's products where the cans aren't quite deformed enough. -- K. Does Lipton still make Giggle Noodle Cup-A-Soup? Or did they discontinue it before it could induce even a single giggle? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: sad news from the world of televised science fiction Date: Fri, 3 Jan 2003 11:31:42 GMT Bad news for fans of TV sci-fi. The actor who played everyone's favorite big-eared supporting character in a legendary sci-fi series cancelled by NBC after three seasons... is dead. I'm referring, of course, to Royce D. Applegate, who played security chief Manilow Crocker in early episodes of NBC's "seaQuest DSV", before it was renamed NBC's "seaQuest", and then renamed NBC's "seaQuest 2032", and then cancelled. This will ruin any plans for a major movie based on the first season of "seaQuest DSV", although it does not rule out a movie based on the second season of "seaQuest" or the third season of "seaQuest 2032". The actor's charred corpse was found in the wreckage of his home on New Year's Day. The cause of the fire is being investigated. The prime suspect is a superintelligent dolphin, but he isn't talking. So, I'd like to call for a moment of silence for the guy from the first season of "seaQuest DSV", THE GREATEST TV SERIES EVER MADE. (Hey, it's okay to lie about stupid crappy TV shows to be polite when someone dies.) -- K. Someday I hope to be able to say that BOB HOPE'S MOVIES WERE THE TWO HUNDRED BEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME. Of course, that can't happen until he makes six more. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I may have missed something important. Date: Fri, 3 Jan 2003 12:07:29 GMT I may have missed something important since I haven't had much time to read alt.religion.kibology lately, what with working on design projects and so on. Could everyone please repost everything they said for the last two weeks, only better? And in a smaller font so I can read it faster? -- K. Fun fact: At Sears they tease you if you try to buy an anvil. I'm glad I didn't ask them about the other item I haven't been able to find (a big bottle of lye) because it seems I only want to buy things that have been declared obsolete now that the twentieth century is almost over. I did eventually find a mail-order anvil supplier over the Internet. I'm not sure how they ship them, but in case they're delivered by air, I better get my tiny umbrella ready, and keep a sign saying "(yipe)" in my pocket. Modern kids who have never used an anvil aren't going to be able to follow the plots of any good cartoons! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I may have missed something important. Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 03:00:23 GMT Jacob W. Haller (spog@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I may have missed something important since I haven't had much time to > > read alt.religion.kibology lately, what with working on design projects > > and so on. Could everyone please repost everything they said for the > > last two weeks, only better? And in a smaller font so I can read it > > faster? > > For best results, read the following in two-point Times New Roman. > > Thursday, 19 Dec 2002 > --------------------- > <1fnfu8h.1ajzgegz3by2dN%spog@jwgh.org> ... It is FOOLISH to think that > insurance companies should screw you over for FREE! What kind of > business model is THAT? The Internet business model! > <1fnfxp0.14nzbn0uip3cmN%spog@jwgh.org> ... 'Necrotizing' is a funny > adjective that can be inserted into any phrase to make new, > wacky-sounding disease names! Examples: Necrotizing Pudding > Marshmallow, James Necrotizing Tiberius Kirk, Surround Necrotizing > Sound. Does this mean you caught the flesh-eating bacteria when we went to that good restaurant right in front of the construction site where two people got the flesh-eating bacterium (which the newspapers keep calling "a flesh-eating virus") in Coolidge Corner a few weeks ago? (True! Within 48 hours of our dinner at the flesh-eating restaurant, there was also a bank robber complete with exploding red dye pack, and a terrorist bomb scare in my office building, all on the same block of Coolidge Corner, so it was an exciting week at work.) I forget the Latin name of the flesh-eating bacterium, it's something like "fleshivori mortensis" or possibly "killitosis". > Friday, 20 Dec 2002 > ------------------- > <1fnhhg2.1cd1kgc1x291l8N%spog@jwgh.org> ... Nick Bensema claims that he > can't get ginger beer, but he lives right near SCOTTSDALE! I mean, > COME ON! I just claim I can't get spruce beer. What, do I have to start speaking fake French? Can I turn root beer into spruce beer by mixing in some yellow pea soup? > Saturday, 21 Dec 2002 > --------------------- > <1fnkhyr.1h0k659fzsk9eN%spog@jwgh.org> ... I like PNG the SigDuck. I have no idea what you're talking about. I suppose I could look up your article by calling 1-800-DIAL-A-POSTING and saying "less than one fnkhyr dot one h zero k six hundred fifty-nine fzsk nine eN!!! percent spog at jwgh dot org greater than", but it would probably not catch the emphasis on the capital "N" and the computer voice would read me someone else's article, and I'd have to sit there listening to "The Plutonium Atom Totality" as read aloud by a Dalek for three dollars a minute. > Monday, 23 Dec 2002 > ------------------- > <1fnn0ri.kcz8jx50xk5cN%spog@jwgh.org> ... Lots42 makes me quote > Voltaire. Not Voltron, that would have been more like 'Les humains sont > si stupides, parce que leurs cerveaux sont analogues au lieu de > numŽrique.' That reminds me, I need to look up how to say "pliers" in Latin. > <1fno3ia.1d2yvv51a6vp1mN%spog@jwgh.org> ... Haw haw, Smirnoff the > Wizard! In Soviet Russia, lame joke tells YOU! I keep thinking there should be a second parallel United Nations where all the delegates would be these lame comic stereotypes. Yakov Smirnoff would represent Russia ("in Russia, Russia represents YOU!") and all the other seats at Not The U.N. would be taken by other standup comedians with similarly one-dimensional acts, although other than Paul Rodrigues and Scott Thompson (the extremely Canadian slightly gay one, not the annoying one) I don't think we could fill up the whole weird-looking building ("In Russia, weird-looking building fills up YOU!") > Friday, 27 Dec 2002 > ------------------- > <1fnux5t.44vhz7voo28fN%spog@jwgh.org> ... I obviously don't know how sea > chanteys scan / yawl slow yawl slow / I obviously don't know how sea > chanteys scan / suitable suitable morn-ing Speaking of scanning, across the hall from where Boston's South Station Postal Facility used to be is a wimpy little newsstand that always has a sign in its window saying "OPTICAL READERS $5.00", and every time I go past it to mail something I wonder why they're selling bar-code scanners, and then I realize they mean what normal humans call "reading glasses". You know, optical eyeglasses, instead of those X-ray ones they only sell through old comic books. The place across the hall -- which used to be the temporary Postal Facility while they were remodelling the real one to look like it's made entirely out of giant red and blue plastic Legos -- has been cleaned out. Three weeks ago, it had a sign saying it had been relocated, with graffiti on the sign left by irate postal employees to the effect that their credit union's bank machine had been locked up inside the empty post office. Two weeks ago, the sign and the bank machine were gone, except someone had pulled some of the plastic letters off the wall ("__UTH STATI_N _OSTAL FACILITY") to spell out "OOPS" on the inside of the window, and a losing lottery ticket was tucked into "OOPS". Last week, "OOPS" was still there but the lottery ticket had been removed. Today, "OOPS" is gone, and all the windows are a foggy white color as if some disgruntled postal worker tried to blow it up by setting off a hundred bug bombs. The South Station Postal Facility is Boston's twenty-four-hour post office -- every big American city has one that stays open all night (like the one in New York's Penn Station where I inhaled the 'thrax) and Boston's biggest mail processing center is also where the most postal workers have gone postal, and in the best ways (there was that guy shooting at people from his private plane...) So I always enjoy going there because I never know quite what will happen. Also they have two scales instead of one so I can weigh everything twice to see if there's a gravity gradient running between the two ends of the room. But now it's made of giant Legos and makes me worry that it's turning into the end of "Time Bandits". Also, half the commemorative stamps are now in a section named "NEW FOR YOU", which suggests they think I'm the sort of idiot who watches NBC all summer (they used to advertise their reruns as "If you haven't seen it, IT'S NEW TO YOU!") > <1fnuxz5.1jge9lp1vcospkN%spog@jwgh.org> ... The parable of the ant, the > rabbit, the Super 88, and the narrator. The moral of the story: Frank > Green sucks. The end! "Frank Green's lime lollipop tasted good, except for the part that had touched the garage floor. Frank Green sucked the end! The end." -- K. I may be indenting this part too far. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I may have missed something important. Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 04:06:02 GMT Jacob W. Haller (spog@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I keep thinking there should be a second parallel United Nations where > > all the delegates would be these lame comic stereotypes. Yakov Smirnoff > > would represent Russia ("in Russia, Russia represents YOU!") and all > > the other seats at Not The U.N. would be taken by other standup comedians > > with similarly one-dimensional acts, although other than Paul Rodrigues > > and Scott Thompson (the extremely Canadian slightly gay one, not the > > annoying one) I don't think we could fill up the whole weird-looking > > building ("In Russia, weird-looking building fills up YOU!") > > I think a more efficient solution would be to have one comedian who does > bad impressions of all the other ones. Then we could replace the entire > U.N. with a single phone booth, which the phone company would then shut > down for sanitary reasons. I like the idea of the world being run by Bob Newhart, who is permanently sealed inside The Sanitary Phone Booth Of All World Government. There could be huge fascist-style posters of a stern Bob Newhart on every street corner, with him drawn in angular red and black with those weird dark pointy parts of his cheeks sticking waaaaaay out, even more than normal. Has anyone ever figured out what those two things on his cheeks were throughout the 1970s? They seem to have vanished in recent years, or possibly someone finally invented some sort of makeup that can actually cover up Bob Newhart-strength discolorations. -- K. I wish I had a disfigurement so I could be on TV. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I may have missed something important. Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 02:58:10 GMT Beable van Polasm (beable@NOS.PAM.beable.com.THANKS) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Fun fact: At Sears they tease you if you try to buy an anvil. > > So STEAL one! Just stick it in your pocket when the shop assistants > aren't looking. I couldn't, because the shop assistant and two cops were right next to me (although I think "assistant" is the wrong word for the guys who float around the Sears tool department.) The cops (who kept eyeing me suspiciously because I'm wearing an almost-cop jacket) wanted to buy some sort of toolkit, and at one point one of them opened one and said "This one's missing the two-dollar hammer!" The other officer, or possibly the shop assistant, snickered and scoffed, "Two-dollar hammer!" in a really sarcastic voice, because everyone knows that Sears would never price a hammer as if it were just a chunk of metal. Then the shop assistant fetched another toolkit and said "This one looks unopened -- I mean IT IS UNOPENED." and you could hear those double hyphens from all the way across the store. Of course, at Montgomery Ward's subsidiary, Lechmere (now thankfully long out of business, although the carpet store with the NO LONGER CONFUSED WITH LECHMERE SALES sign is still down the street) they did rewrap broken things and put them back on the shelf (as I learned when I returned a defective VCR and told them it was defective and the clerk checked "Reason for return: [ ] doesn't like style/color" on the form) but at Sears, when something looks untouched by human hands, it probably is. Addendum: After typing this message (on the train), I went to Sears and exchanged a pair of broken pliers, and the clerk asked me if they were ratchets, because he had to put them through one of three holes in the side of the counter: "TAPE MEASURES", "RATCHETS", and "OTHER". Yes, those are the only three categories of tools at the returns counter at Sears, and yes, the guy actually said "I don't know the name for these." "Flat-nose !!!PLIERS!!!", I said politely. How do you get a job in a tool department and not know what pliers are? That's like if you walked up to Ronald McDonald and said, "Do you work for McDonalds or Burger King?" and he said "DOYYYY, DAWWWWW, DUHHHHHHHH, DURHEY, I ARE CLOWN." > > I'm glad I didn't ask them about the other item I haven't been > > able to find (a big bottle of lye) because it seems I only > > want to buy things that have been declared obsolete now that > > the twentieth century is almost over. > > Lye still exists. You can buy it under the S00PER-SEKRIT name > "DRAIN CLEANER". Look for the magical symbols NaOH which will > guide you in your quest. BUT BE CAREFUL! LYE IS DANGEROUS! No, I want real actual lye, not stuff with green dye in it. That makes it taste funny. > I'm guessing that you're going to make soap, and then spend a > long time "washing your anvil". Well, given that I mentioned in a previous article that I bought a postal scale, combine that with the lye and there can be only one conclusion: I am secretly running a major drug ring and am making glink, the exciting new drug that's three times deadlier than crack, gives you a greater rush than taking all five tablets in a box of Sudafed, and is even more enjoyable than having a TiVo in your brain. Okay, I'm obviously lying. The most powerful drug in my apartment is shaped like Bert and Ernie and that creepy Elmo (I buy the Sesame Street chewable vitamins because all the other brands contain saccharin, sorbitol, and/or aspartame, and if I'm going to buy toddler vitamins I want the ones with the real sugar, dammit!) But I do plan to use the lye as an artistic medium, so I don't want it to contain weird dyes. Or flavor crystals. (One brand of drain opener I've seen in hardware stores is "Double Agent With Nuggets", which comes in a box that was clearly laid out by a graphic artist who was thinking, "Wow, I hope they make a second James Bond movie someday.") -- K. Before you ask about my jacket, it's a blank Detroit police jacket (I think) -- very dark blue (almost black) with horizontal reflective stripes and lots of pockets and zippers all over (very warm and it's got hiding places for all sorts of objects. I have a pad of graph paper in the pocket where the parking tickets are supposed to go.) Some uniform store in Chicago got samples of a whole bunch of different police / fire / EMT uniforms from the manufacturer, and they sold them to a local used-clothing store (with the "SAMPLE" tags still attached) and it was a bargain and now I look vaguely like a cop (without having any actual insignia that could get me arrested) so HEY! WATCH IT BUDDY! I'M COP-LIKE! I'm unclear on the purpose of the tiny zippers in the armpits. Do police officers ever need to be able to turn their body odor on and off at a moment's notice? Is this some new law enforcement technique? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I may have missed something important. Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 02:56:05 GMT David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Could everyone please repost everything they said for the last two weeks, > > only better? And in a smaller font so I can read it faster? > > I would except that would compress it into "AIEEEEE!!!1!". And I've posted > that before. Yeah, but the other times, you said it in big fonts, such as Mecanorma Plumpy. Speaking of Plumpy, I actually saw it on the box of a tomato-squisher gadget at a kitchen-gadget store (I was shopping for a small scale, and they didn't have any, so I went to the office-supply store and bought a postal scale.) It was this extremely battered box (WARNING! BATTERED BOX COULD BE A BOMB!) from Italy (WARNING! FOREIGN BOX COULD BE A BOMB!) for some white plastic meat grinder you were only allowed to put tomatoes in. It's the only time I recall ever seeing that font in the wild. For those who don't remember these important facts: Plumpy was a font sold briefly as press-on lettering by a French company (Mecanorma) circa 1973. It was a font with no capitals (hence it was pretty useless) and the letters were all rounded and had bulgy bottoms and were half-filled with some sort of dark sludge, like the letters just made a boom-boom. Just the sort of thing you want to see on your kitchen gadget. > > Fun fact: At Sears they tease you if you try to buy an anvil. > > Do they ask you 'for what porpoise'? Yes. And what's worse, they also took a guess. And they guessed that I was going to make a sword at Ye Olde Renaissance Festival. I patiently explained that I do not do that at Renaissance Festivals, I'm just happy to have a new way to bother my downstairs neighbors. > > I did eventually find a mail-order anvil supplier over the Internet. > > ...This is now my favorite sentence of the week, solely for its > philosophical implications. The best part is that Northern Tool actually paid to place an advertisement on Google for the keyword "anvil". If you look up "anvil" on Google, you'll see a little box at top right that tells you to buy anvils at Northern Tool. I'd love to see that board meeting: "We could be the only ones advertising anvils on the Internet! And then we'll get 100% of Kibo's business!" I didn't order the anvil from them, I ordered a much smaller one (at the same price) from a place that specialized in jewelry supplies. > > I'm not sure how they ship them, but in case they're delivered by > > air, I better get my tiny umbrella ready, and keep a sign saying > > "(yipe)" in my pocket. > > It's okay, they email them to you. "Receiving file anvil.zip.zip.zip.zip.zip.zip.zip: 1 ounce." -- K. YES, I KNOW THAT DOESN'T ACTUALLY WORK! Stop bothering me with facts, I've got to get off the train to get six copper lobster claws! <-- fact! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I may have missed something important. Date: Thu, 9 Jan 2003 10:41:55 GMT Daniel Buettner (buettner@cse.unl.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I didn't order the anvil from them, I ordered a much smaller one (at > > the same price) from a place that specialized in jewelry supplies. > > Small anvil? Sears didn't have ANY small anvils? Not even > ones attached to the back of metal working bench clamps? > I THINK YOUR SEARS MIGHT BE DEFECTIVE!! (a) I don't have a bench -- or any other furniture, just big piles of loose stuff -- so I don't have anything I could attach a bench vise to, except maybe my thigh, and that wouldn't be any fun to tighten, and (b) when I asked about anvils I got the distinct impression that not only did the "sales" "man" not think they had any, but that he thought I was an idiot for trying to buy a tool at Sears. Later on the Web I did search sears.com for the keyword "anvil" because I had a suspicion that that salesman might be a bozo (this was before I even encountered the one who didn't know what pliers were called) and yes, they do have bench vises with little bitty hunchback lumps that sort of act like anvils. Although I think the only thing you could make with them would be little bitty swords suitable for killing pimentos that are trying to hide inside martini olives. I'm still amazed at how poorly-trained that Sears location's staff is. Not only do they not know what they sell, but they also don't know the names of ANYTHING they sell (I should do some controlled experiments -- hold up a hammer and say "WHICH HOLE WOULD YOU PUT THIS IN?" to see whether hammers are considered ratchets or tape measures) and they take the added precaution of making snide remarks to people who dare to try to buy stuff at the crappy store. The difference between me and them is THEY make fun of ME for not being COOL enough to use only tools that come in blister-pack sets which include a keychain compass, a plastic whistle, and a free AOL disk. I make fun of THEM for not being EVEN MARGINALLY COMPETENT. Also, they mock me to my face, while I'm polite enough to only do it behind their backs. -- K. Ooh, I'm a dork compared to the tool fools at Sears! They sure zinged me good! They're even better with the insults than they are at knowing the names of tools! Unless they cheat and get the zingers out of "The Big Book Of Sears Tool Department Snaps". "YOUR MAMA'S SO NERDY THAT SHE KNOWS WHAT A WRENCH IS!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Two simple requests... Date: Tue, 7 Jan 2003 13:04:12 GMT Hello again. It's me. Remember me? Me. ME ME ME ME ME!!!! <-- me being me! So, because I'm me, I'm requesting two simple favors from all my loyal fans around the world: 1.) I just called up a bunch of reporters and told them that alt.religion.kibology is a cloning corporation and we've produced a million billion zillion clones of Bob Hope for less than a tenth of a cent each, and that there are too many of them to count so we won't let the reporters count them, but if anyone asks you, please tell the reporters that yes, we just made a million billion zillion clones of Bob Hope. Note: The number is "a million billion zillion clones", not "a zillion billion million clones", which would only be half as many. 2.) My favorite hockey team (on the basis of their graphic design, and that nobody else likes them) is currently in the lead in the NHL standings -- but they couldn't pay their players last week because they're bankrupt. They have only a couple days left to come up with a major cash infusion, so if each of you sends me $2,000 I could buy the Ottawa Senators and rename them the A.R.K Death Crabs or some other happy name, and I'd finally get to manage a professional team that plays a sport I barely understand, and because all of you folks would be an important part of the project I'd make sure all of you are allowed to watch the games on TV, if they're on TV. Also anyone who sends in $2,050 instead of $2,000 will get to attend a game, and if they're lucky it'll be on a special promotional night when every fan receives a free handful of Bob Hopes with a pretty cord wrapped around them! Plus at every intermission our mascot will shoot a Bob Hope into the bleachers. We really should take over the Ottawa Senators for those and many other reasons, not the least of which is that I could rename the Corel Centre's WordPerfect Theatre something less stupid. Anyway, all I'm asking, because I'm so nice to all you people at all times every day and always will be, is for you to lie to a bunch of reporters and send me all your money. THANKS!!! Whoops, sorry, I forgot, typing in all caps followed by exclamation pounts is rude. So please pretend I didn't thank you. -- K. YAY I GET A FREE HOCKEY TEAM AND TOO MANY BOB HOPES!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Two simple requests... Date: Tue, 7 Jan 2003 13:26:45 GMT I just wrote: > > [...] if anyone asks you, please tell the reporters that yes, > we just made a million billion zillion clones of Bob Hope. Also, if anyone asks where they all went: They all jumped into the ocean and drowned because they wanted to see Sponge Bob Square Pants. They won't be able to prove that isn't true! Because to do that they'd have to interview Sponge Bob, and they'd drown too. YAY MY PLAN IS MADE PERFECT BY DROWNINGS!!! -- K. Anyway, how could anyone have ever taken the Raelians seriously given that they're from the same area as Cirque du Soleil? The only difference between them is that if you went to a Raelian meeting you wouldn't see any real cloning, but at a Cirque du Soleil performance you wouldn't see anything else interesting either. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Do my homework for me Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 03:24:03 GMT [in which Matt brags about one of his big TV's 349 special features, but fails to impress me because I have one and a half TiVos more than he does] David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > [...] > > > Not that we actually use that much, since to exploit it means > > > changing a bunch of settings every time you watch a widescreen DVD > > > (and we're already messing with the color presets), for a payoff > > > that is not noticeable to anyone but carefully coached nerds, > > > and life is too short. > > > > From now on, whenever I encounter the word "audiophile" or > > "videophile," I'm going to nod knowingly as I translate it in my mind > > as "carefully coached nerd." Good one, Matt! > > For extra fun, translate silently "faux-audiophile" as "carefully coached > nerd with a green magic marker"... Last week, at Matt & Samantha's place, we watched some episodes of "Winky Dink & You" from my collection, and I insisted we play along because otherwise we could not have the fun and Andy Kaufman would chide us by name, but all Matt had for me to doodle on his big TV with was a green magic marker. So when I traced King Kooky's nose and shirt button to make an invisible submarine in which Winky Dink could sail across the moat to rescue Andy Kaufman, the audio suddenly got clearer and I could faintly hear the subliminal messages: "Wrestle me... but only if you're a sexy chick... do not notice the duct tape under my shorts..." So anyway, now we know: Matt keeps a green magic marker near his supposedly awesome TV. But in truth, it's just a black-and-white General Electric 4" set from 1976, and he's made it seem better by tracing over all the wires inside it with his green magic marker. -- K. I'm only being mean to Matt because he didn't have enough plastic wrap to cover the entire giant screen, so I could only play along when Andy Kaufman went up the bottom half of the stairs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Attention: Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 03:27:29 GMT David Pacheco (dpacheco@iname.com) wrote: > > [...] the definition of "preen" includes the meaning "to remove the ticks > and chiggers from one's fur, and then post them to the Internet" You know, I think that might be the 21st century's most important new e-business model. I'm going to invest fifty million dollars in it now, as long as you promise I'll get back ten times that in exactly ten years. It'll succeed as long as your advertising involves hiring two, not just one, person to dress up in a big fuzzy tick suit and wander around Manhattan bothering pedestrians. I suggest getting the Not Tim Allen guy from the live Buzz Lightyear show at Disneyland. > [...] > Speaking of my son, he has now learned to distinguish right from wrong. > I know this, because every time he starts toddling towards the wine > racks with the intent to jiggle each bottle to see if it explodes, he > looks back at me with a very serious look and says "No! No!" while > shaking his head. I nod my head and say "That's right! Don't mess > with daddy's liquor, you little goober, or you will come to know severe > pain intimately, yea, even unto the seventh generation!" and he just > keeps going. He stands there, one hand wagging a finger at me, one > hand trying to tip the racks over, terribly serious look on his face. He's another child whose life will be ruined by the new 7-Up advertising campaign. They've started printing their logo upside-down on the bottles, and the store displays have signs that say "FLIP IT!" in Scott Kim-style lettering that looks exactly as ugly when turned upside down. Apparently this is supposed to be a callback to their 1970s "the Uncola" ad campaign which featured glasses designed to look like upside-down soda-fountain glasses (the sort nobody has used, right-side-up or upside-down, in thirty years.) But now they're just telling you to flip the bottle over a few times before unscrewing the highly pressurized cap. Did "the Uncola" commercials come before or after those animated ones where the message was that if you drank 7-Up, you'd turn into an LSD-inspired neon butterfly? Hmm, maybe we could do some sort of cross-promotion with our eTick business. > He's a smart kid. I took him up to Vasquez Rocks last week, and he > still found his way back home. Well, sure. All he had to do was head directly away from the "Star Trek" fistfight music. I need to visit Vasquez Rock someday, now that I've been to Bronson Film Cave (And it isn't even a cave! It's a tunnel! Why couldn't Lois Lane ever figure out that she could just walk out the back? How come the Riddler never wandered into the Batcave through Batman's wide-open back door?) and I've seen the "Damnation Alley" Landmaster and the Bradbury building and Griffith Observatory and Forrest Ackerman's house before he moved out so, once I visit Vasquez Rock, I will have been in every place robots, Martians, and zombies have ever been. > [...] > Once you meet transdimensional Kibo, you will understand the pain > that can only be achieved by making a pun across all known coordinates > of space, time and nougat. I don't use coordinates for my puns, because it's too hard to find words that sound like "Garanimals" but stupider. > [...] > Also, I've lost 17 pounds, and I went to a seminar last week on > health and workout issues where the speaker--supposedly a PhD in > workoutology--kept mispelling the word "muscle". He warned against > caffeine consumption but someone called him on the fact he had a huge > venti from Starbucks under the podium. 'Bout as sharp as a mouthful of > warm spit, that boy; his head was shaped like an oil drum with ears, > and every time someone asked him a question his brain emitted a > KLANGing noise and stopped functioning for two minutes. That reminds me, I had some Japanese noodles a while ago where the packet's ingredients included "adductor muscle", and I don't whether if they meant shellfish or butts. I recall those also included "cat's ear", which I think is the same as "jew's ear", meaning little black leather fungi that grow on dead trees. But the "adductor muscle" is a mystery. > So last week I learned that working out makes you DUM. Therefore, in > order to further my ambitions of becoming Mr. Universe, I've decided to > read and post to Usenet more often. YAY!!! This will allow us to read your wonderful stuff more often, which makes us SPECIAL! -- K. Are you saying that instead of mud wrestling, this guy participated in dum wrestling? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: You Say You Want a Resolution... Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 03:33:59 GMT Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > In keeping with my resolve to have more kibological things happen to me > when I'm not even trying, I passed this truck on the freeway today: > > http://www.waxie.com/waxie-truck2.jpg > > Waxie - the busy bees of sanitary supply How do you know it wasn't a different truck with exactly the same paint job as the one in Waxie, Inc.'s photo? I doubt they only have one, otherwise it would need to drive around the country for 563 hours a day to deliver thousands of rolls of the waxed toilet paper that comes out of beehives. Just once I'd like to see a brand of toilet paper which guarantees it's NOT made by clouds, teddy bears, or bees. Toilet paper made by humans, for humans. Because my butt is part of a human. -- K. Some say it's the most important part. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: [TWAT]: Genetically engineered soldiers Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 03:56:57 GMT Beable van Polasm (beable@NOS.PAM.beable.com.THANKS) wrote: > > [Australian newspaper article] > -> > -> The Pentagon has launched a series of remarkable medical > -> experiments to find a way to keep its soldiers and pilots awake and > -> alert for up to five days at a time. > > Give them drugs! Pump them full of "goey" pills! Gooey pills? You mean Milk Duds? Maybe they should try Necco's SkyBar. Not only would it be good for pilots because it's a SkyBar and not a Ground Bar, but it contains four different kinds of goo (usually at least two are still liquid by the time it gets to the store, although you need to expect that if any are still liquid, one will have escaped.) > -> The Pentagon's search for an Extended Performance War Fighter > -> concentrates on employing advanced genetics and neurological > -> science, rather than the drugs which have been used since World War > -> II to keep fighters awake and alert. > > Oh, they don't want to use drugs any more. They want to use > genetic engineering and neurological science. > > -> One of its plans for keeping warriors awake is to "zap" their > -> brains with an electro-magnetic energy called TMS. Much of the > -> research is being conducted by Yaakov Stern in the laboratories of > -> the neurological science department at Columbia University. > > So tired... must sleee... BZZZZTTT!! GAAAAHHHH! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!! Yaakov Stern wants the government to find ways to keep people awake? "In Russia, you keep gowerment avake!" I need to go to Yakov Smirnoff's dinner theater in Branson, Missouri someday just so I can see what the menu is like. I bet they don't have any actual Russian food (which comes in three broad categories: piroshki, pilmeni, and watery soup) but just things like french fries and hamburgers with WACKY WACKY names. For instance, "french fries" would be "capitalist fries", because everyone knows that the French government is sort of capitalist. > -> "When he needed it, the pilot could just be zapped during > -> operations," said Dr Stern, a leading research scientist who has > -> spent years mapping the brain with MRI scanners to work out which > -> clusters of neurological cells do what. > > ZAP ZAP ZAP! > FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT! > It's the Neurological Science SHOOOOOW! Then he discovered which cluster of neurological cells, when stimulated, goes "BANG!" causing the soldier's head to explode all over the inside of the Humvee, ruining its resale value on eBay. > -> "I am convinced that we can help the Pentagon. I have identified > -> the parts of the brain that seem to control the response to sleep > -> deprivation, and we have the technology to stimulate that part to > -> improve the resistance to lack of sleep. The generals want a man > -> who is awake and alert for up to a week. We think we can actually > -> do that." > > "And we don't think there's anything wrong with that, honest. Hey > at least we're not producing genetically engineered soldiers!" > > -> Biologists at the US Navy's Marine Mammals Program, which once > -> trained dolphins to place mines against the hulls of enemy ships, > -> is now studying how the animals keep at least part of their brains > -> awake so that even when submerged and asleep they still surface to > -> breathe. Are they implying there will be a really bad movie where George C. Scott makes people stay awake until they start talking like Frank Welker? > -> The idea now is to identify the genetic material which allows this, > -> and find it in human "junk" DNA - those parts of the human genome > -> which so far do not have an identified function. Genetic codes > -> could then be modified to create soldiers who run and run. > > Is this going too far? Is producing genetically engineered soldiers > who can stay awake for a week "wrong" in some way? Have I seen too > many sci-fi movies based on this theme? Just once I'd like to see one based on a more interesting theme. For instance, a movie based on the theme from "Happy Days" would be a good one. I'm not saying it would have to have Fonzie or anything. Just a lot of shots of cameras zooming in and out on a jukebox while Anson Williams sings "The weekend comes! The cycle hums! Ready to race to you!" and you'll know the movie is over the moment John "Bowtie" Barstow joins in and immediately forgets all the words. -- K. Anson Williams could direct the movie about the talking dolphin people! No, wait, I'm sure he'd never be so desperate as to direct something with a squeaky-voiced dolphin. Unless it also had Roy Scheider with dried-up Snack Pack fudge pudding all over his face. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Scientific proof that salespersons are DUMB Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 07:27:40 GMT Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Coincidentally, a couple nights ago I dreamt I was working at my old coffee > shop and reading usenet and Kibo showed up and brought chinese food to all > the customers there, but only because everyone heard that if he didn't > bring chinese food he would cancel the Star Trek franchise forever the enb. Wait... then why did I buy Chinese food? I'd rather cancel any given TV show than pay money for other people to get fat while watching TV! Plus I've wanted to cancel "Star Trek" for years. Then I'll have achieved my lifelong dream of cancelling "Star Trek" and making "Knight Rider" stupid. Also, I'm not cancelling "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?", but I am reducing its budget and retitling it "Who Wants Half A Serving Of Cold Chinese Food?" -- K. And I'm cancelling "Doctor Who" a seventh time, until the BBC agrees that the Daleks should be the good guys and the car from "Knight Rider" is the mentally- challenged robot death machine. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Black Market Liquid Food Date: Thu, 9 Jan 2003 10:51:28 GMT Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > I just received a very hush-hush telephone call from my brother. He was > calling from a phone booth. He said "don't ask questions. Just tell me > which you prefer -- Chocolate or Vanilla Ensure?" Huh? I told him it > doesn't matter. He then went on to tell me that he scored a deal on some > cases of Ensure and he will go to the undisclosed location tomorrow (which > he then proceeded to tell me was the third house just north of the subway on > Lansdowne) but he has to go with "a friend" and then he can get me the stuff > for $20 for case of 24 cans. What?? Well apparently the guy who is selling > off the cans of liquid meal-replacements no longer needs them but doesn't > want to see it all go to waste so he is trying to recoup some of his money. > > Does anyone else envision the cops busting down my door, guns aimed at me, > yelling "DROP THAT CAN!! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR POSSESSION OF ILLEGAL > ENSURE!!" or is it just me? Did you at least ask if it was regular Ensure, Ensure Plus, or new Double Ensure With Nuggets? And why weren't the truly awful flavors, such as that Butter Pecan one, available? Also, it's mean of you not to tell us what you know about that asteroid that's going to wash away the Statue Of Liberty's head and will kill us all unless we outrun the tidal wave on a moped unless we get caught up in the heated office politics concerning who gets the graveyard-shift newsreader job on Microsoft's lame TV news channel. I mean, jeez, that movie made "Meteor" look like "Asteroid", and made "Asteroid" look like "Armageddon", and made "Armageddon" look like "The Fifth Element", and made "The Fifth Element" look like that "Six Million Dollar Man" episode where a mad scientist blasted an asteroid out of orbit so it was going to destroy the world so Steve Austin had to go to the asteroid (which was shaped like an unrolled map) and squeeze one of the mad scientist's nuclear bombs into a narrower shape so that it would push the asteroid back into orbit. But at least it didn't have all those product placements on how we should stock up on Ensure before the world is destroyed. -- K. I kept waiting for the President to pick up a can of Ensure and read all the ingredients aloud to teach us that reading is outta sight! Then Letterman would save the world by changing the asteroid into a harmless steroid. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Add To Cart Until It Explodes. Date: Thu, 9 Jan 2003 12:10:59 GMT Whenever I'm shopping on the Internet, I always wonder, "How much can this Web site's imaginary shopping carts hold before they explode?" So, I like to try to buy 999,999,999,999 of whatever's on sale. And then, if that doesn't make it display negative numbers or bizarre error messages, I try to buy 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999. Well, today I found a site that truly has the capacity I need. I found one that allowed me to order up to 10^300-1 items (that's 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999, 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999, 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999, 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999, 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999, 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 in primitive Earth numbers.) Of course, rounding errors kicked in, and it charged me for an extra one (Waah! I wanted 10^300-1, not 10^300!) but still, it's nice to know that if I ever need to order that many copies of the same book, I can do that, and then I'll never be able to lose them all, assuming they don't just form into a black hole that swallows the entire Universe. This store even sells anvils, and 10^300 anvils would be the greatest "Road Runner" cartoon ever, if Chuck Jones were younger so he could draw that many. I think if I researched this further I'd turn into Harry Stephen Keeler and go around depositing single dollars into banks under the name "John Jones" so that when I'm thawed out 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 years in the future I'd have enough money to buy all the anvils in the world, leading to a perfect Socialist state where everyone had plenty of anvils to eat. Can anyone top the 10^300 figure by finding a Web site that can sell 10^400 items, or better yet, a googolplex? I might want a googolplex of Pez someday. And would there be a price break if I ordered more? -- K. The site that almost goes up to 10^300 abbreviates "discount" as two words. ("ds cnt") And now, a purple Muppet vampire will count to 10^300, and although that may be boring, don't dis Count.