Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I may have missed something important. Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 02:56:05 GMT David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Could everyone please repost everything they said for the last two weeks, > > only better? And in a smaller font so I can read it faster? > > I would except that would compress it into "AIEEEEE!!!1!". And I've posted > that before. Yeah, but the other times, you said it in big fonts, such as Mecanorma Plumpy. Speaking of Plumpy, I actually saw it on the box of a tomato-squisher gadget at a kitchen-gadget store (I was shopping for a small scale, and they didn't have any, so I went to the office-supply store and bought a postal scale.) It was this extremely battered box (WARNING! BATTERED BOX COULD BE A BOMB!) from Italy (WARNING! FOREIGN BOX COULD BE A BOMB!) for some white plastic meat grinder you were only allowed to put tomatoes in. It's the only time I recall ever seeing that font in the wild. For those who don't remember these important facts: Plumpy was a font sold briefly as press-on lettering by a French company (Mecanorma) circa 1973. It was a font with no capitals (hence it was pretty useless) and the letters were all rounded and had bulgy bottoms and were half-filled with some sort of dark sludge, like the letters just made a boom-boom. Just the sort of thing you want to see on your kitchen gadget. > > Fun fact: At Sears they tease you if you try to buy an anvil. > > Do they ask you 'for what porpoise'? Yes. And what's worse, they also took a guess. And they guessed that I was going to make a sword at Ye Olde Renaissance Festival. I patiently explained that I do not do that at Renaissance Festivals, I'm just happy to have a new way to bother my downstairs neighbors. > > I did eventually find a mail-order anvil supplier over the Internet. > > ...This is now my favorite sentence of the week, solely for its > philosophical implications. The best part is that Northern Tool actually paid to place an advertisement on Google for the keyword "anvil". If you look up "anvil" on Google, you'll see a little box at top right that tells you to buy anvils at Northern Tool. I'd love to see that board meeting: "We could be the only ones advertising anvils on the Internet! And then we'll get 100% of Kibo's business!" I didn't order the anvil from them, I ordered a much smaller one (at the same price) from a place that specialized in jewelry supplies. > > I'm not sure how they ship them, but in case they're delivered by > > air, I better get my tiny umbrella ready, and keep a sign saying > > "(yipe)" in my pocket. > > It's okay, they email them to you. "Receiving file anvil.zip.zip.zip.zip.zip.zip.zip: 1 ounce." -- K. YES, I KNOW THAT DOESN'T ACTUALLY WORK! Stop bothering me with facts, I've got to get off the train to get six copper lobster claws! <-- fact! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I may have missed something important. Date: Thu, 9 Jan 2003 10:41:55 GMT Daniel Buettner (buettner@cse.unl.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I didn't order the anvil from them, I ordered a much smaller one (at > > the same price) from a place that specialized in jewelry supplies. > > Small anvil? Sears didn't have ANY small anvils? Not even > ones attached to the back of metal working bench clamps? > I THINK YOUR SEARS MIGHT BE DEFECTIVE!! (a) I don't have a bench -- or any other furniture, just big piles of loose stuff -- so I don't have anything I could attach a bench vise to, except maybe my thigh, and that wouldn't be any fun to tighten, and (b) when I asked about anvils I got the distinct impression that not only did the "sales" "man" not think they had any, but that he thought I was an idiot for trying to buy a tool at Sears. Later on the Web I did search sears.com for the keyword "anvil" because I had a suspicion that that salesman might be a bozo (this was before I even encountered the one who didn't know what pliers were called) and yes, they do have bench vises with little bitty hunchback lumps that sort of act like anvils. Although I think the only thing you could make with them would be little bitty swords suitable for killing pimentos that are trying to hide inside martini olives. I'm still amazed at how poorly-trained that Sears location's staff is. Not only do they not know what they sell, but they also don't know the names of ANYTHING they sell (I should do some controlled experiments -- hold up a hammer and say "WHICH HOLE WOULD YOU PUT THIS IN?" to see whether hammers are considered ratchets or tape measures) and they take the added precaution of making snide remarks to people who dare to try to buy stuff at the crappy store. The difference between me and them is THEY make fun of ME for not being COOL enough to use only tools that come in blister-pack sets which include a keychain compass, a plastic whistle, and a free AOL disk. I make fun of THEM for not being EVEN MARGINALLY COMPETENT. Also, they mock me to my face, while I'm polite enough to only do it behind their backs. -- K. Ooh, I'm a dork compared to the tool fools at Sears! They sure zinged me good! They're even better with the insults than they are at knowing the names of tools! Unless they cheat and get the zingers out of "The Big Book Of Sears Tool Department Snaps". "YOUR MAMA'S SO NERDY THAT SHE KNOWS WHAT A WRENCH IS!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I may have missed something important. Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 03:00:23 GMT Jacob W. Haller (spog@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I may have missed something important since I haven't had much time to > > read alt.religion.kibology lately, what with working on design projects > > and so on. Could everyone please repost everything they said for the > > last two weeks, only better? And in a smaller font so I can read it > > faster? > > For best results, read the following in two-point Times New Roman. > > Thursday, 19 Dec 2002 > --------------------- > <1fnfu8h.1ajzgegz3by2dN%spog@jwgh.org> ... It is FOOLISH to think that > insurance companies should screw you over for FREE! What kind of > business model is THAT? The Internet business model! > <1fnfxp0.14nzbn0uip3cmN%spog@jwgh.org> ... 'Necrotizing' is a funny > adjective that can be inserted into any phrase to make new, > wacky-sounding disease names! Examples: Necrotizing Pudding > Marshmallow, James Necrotizing Tiberius Kirk, Surround Necrotizing > Sound. Does this mean you caught the flesh-eating bacteria when we went to that good restaurant right in front of the construction site where two people got the flesh-eating bacterium (which the newspapers keep calling "a flesh-eating virus") in Coolidge Corner a few weeks ago? (True! Within 48 hours of our dinner at the flesh-eating restaurant, there was also a bank robber complete with exploding red dye pack, and a terrorist bomb scare in my office building, all on the same block of Coolidge Corner, so it was an exciting week at work.) I forget the Latin name of the flesh-eating bacterium, it's something like "fleshivori mortensis" or possibly "killitosis". > Friday, 20 Dec 2002 > ------------------- > <1fnhhg2.1cd1kgc1x291l8N%spog@jwgh.org> ... Nick Bensema claims that he > can't get ginger beer, but he lives right near SCOTTSDALE! I mean, > COME ON! I just claim I can't get spruce beer. What, do I have to start speaking fake French? Can I turn root beer into spruce beer by mixing in some yellow pea soup? > Saturday, 21 Dec 2002 > --------------------- > <1fnkhyr.1h0k659fzsk9eN%spog@jwgh.org> ... I like PNG the SigDuck. I have no idea what you're talking about. I suppose I could look up your article by calling 1-800-DIAL-A-POSTING and saying "less than one fnkhyr dot one h zero k six hundred fifty-nine fzsk nine eN!!! percent spog at jwgh dot org greater than", but it would probably not catch the emphasis on the capital "N" and the computer voice would read me someone else's article, and I'd have to sit there listening to "The Plutonium Atom Totality" as read aloud by a Dalek for three dollars a minute. > Monday, 23 Dec 2002 > ------------------- > <1fnn0ri.kcz8jx50xk5cN%spog@jwgh.org> ... Lots42 makes me quote > Voltaire. Not Voltron, that would have been more like 'Les humains sont > si stupides, parce que leurs cerveaux sont analogues au lieu de > numŽrique.' That reminds me, I need to look up how to say "pliers" in Latin. > <1fno3ia.1d2yvv51a6vp1mN%spog@jwgh.org> ... Haw haw, Smirnoff the > Wizard! In Soviet Russia, lame joke tells YOU! I keep thinking there should be a second parallel United Nations where all the delegates would be these lame comic stereotypes. Yakov Smirnoff would represent Russia ("in Russia, Russia represents YOU!") and all the other seats at Not The U.N. would be taken by other standup comedians with similarly one-dimensional acts, although other than Paul Rodrigues and Scott Thompson (the extremely Canadian slightly gay one, not the annoying one) I don't think we could fill up the whole weird-looking building ("In Russia, weird-looking building fills up YOU!") > Friday, 27 Dec 2002 > ------------------- > <1fnux5t.44vhz7voo28fN%spog@jwgh.org> ... I obviously don't know how sea > chanteys scan / yawl slow yawl slow / I obviously don't know how sea > chanteys scan / suitable suitable morn-ing Speaking of scanning, across the hall from where Boston's South Station Postal Facility used to be is a wimpy little newsstand that always has a sign in its window saying "OPTICAL READERS $5.00", and every time I go past it to mail something I wonder why they're selling bar-code scanners, and then I realize they mean what normal humans call "reading glasses". You know, optical eyeglasses, instead of those X-ray ones they only sell through old comic books. The place across the hall -- which used to be the temporary Postal Facility while they were remodelling the real one to look like it's made entirely out of giant red and blue plastic Legos -- has been cleaned out. Three weeks ago, it had a sign saying it had been relocated, with graffiti on the sign left by irate postal employees to the effect that their credit union's bank machine had been locked up inside the empty post office. Two weeks ago, the sign and the bank machine were gone, except someone had pulled some of the plastic letters off the wall ("__UTH STATI_N _OSTAL FACILITY") to spell out "OOPS" on the inside of the window, and a losing lottery ticket was tucked into "OOPS". Last week, "OOPS" was still there but the lottery ticket had been removed. Today, "OOPS" is gone, and all the windows are a foggy white color as if some disgruntled postal worker tried to blow it up by setting off a hundred bug bombs. The South Station Postal Facility is Boston's twenty-four-hour post office -- every big American city has one that stays open all night (like the one in New York's Penn Station where I inhaled the 'thrax) and Boston's biggest mail processing center is also where the most postal workers have gone postal, and in the best ways (there was that guy shooting at people from his private plane...) So I always enjoy going there because I never know quite what will happen. Also they have two scales instead of one so I can weigh everything twice to see if there's a gravity gradient running between the two ends of the room. But now it's made of giant Legos and makes me worry that it's turning into the end of "Time Bandits". Also, half the commemorative stamps are now in a section named "NEW FOR YOU", which suggests they think I'm the sort of idiot who watches NBC all summer (they used to advertise their reruns as "If you haven't seen it, IT'S NEW TO YOU!") > <1fnuxz5.1jge9lp1vcospkN%spog@jwgh.org> ... The parable of the ant, the > rabbit, the Super 88, and the narrator. The moral of the story: Frank > Green sucks. The end! "Frank Green's lime lollipop tasted good, except for the part that had touched the garage floor. Frank Green sucked the end! The end." -- K. I may be indenting this part too far. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I may have missed something important. Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 04:06:02 GMT Jacob W. Haller (spog@jwgh.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I keep thinking there should be a second parallel United Nations where > > all the delegates would be these lame comic stereotypes. Yakov Smirnoff > > would represent Russia ("in Russia, Russia represents YOU!") and all > > the other seats at Not The U.N. would be taken by other standup comedians > > with similarly one-dimensional acts, although other than Paul Rodrigues > > and Scott Thompson (the extremely Canadian slightly gay one, not the > > annoying one) I don't think we could fill up the whole weird-looking > > building ("In Russia, weird-looking building fills up YOU!") > > I think a more efficient solution would be to have one comedian who does > bad impressions of all the other ones. Then we could replace the entire > U.N. with a single phone booth, which the phone company would then shut > down for sanitary reasons. I like the idea of the world being run by Bob Newhart, who is permanently sealed inside The Sanitary Phone Booth Of All World Government. There could be huge fascist-style posters of a stern Bob Newhart on every street corner, with him drawn in angular red and black with those weird dark pointy parts of his cheeks sticking waaaaaay out, even more than normal. Has anyone ever figured out what those two things on his cheeks were throughout the 1970s? They seem to have vanished in recent years, or possibly someone finally invented some sort of makeup that can actually cover up Bob Newhart-strength discolorations. -- K. I wish I had a disfigurement so I could be on TV. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: It's official. Now I hate "South Park". Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 03:04:33 GMT Ryan W. Mead (ryanmead1985@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Watashi no kyoko taskarawaba*, I remember High Hat. (There was no > "Mr." in his name.) There was if you knew the same creepy teacher/therapist/asshole I did. > I never saw him in puppet form, but in illustrations in books. > His purpose was (and appears to still be) to teach phonics. Again, that's for NORMAL teachers. > I remember a story about him emphasizing the "R" sound in which he > helped a rabbit with red stripes lose the stripes and become a > regular rabbit. So you're saying he taught conformity, plus a tiny amount of phonics? > *Phonetic spelling of Kaga's introduction on Iron Chef, translated as > "If memory serves me right." Why don't they just skip all the chef stuff and let the memory serve the pickled squid? And when are they going to show the episode with Pink Lady Without Jeff? And yes, I have the entire run of "Pink Lady & Jeff" on DVD. My favorite's the one where they're actually allowed to sing a song in Japanese, because it has Robbie The Robot. -- K. Bob Kinoshita is my hero! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: It's official. Now I hate "South Park". Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 03:22:29 GMT phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And how many of YOU had a teacher who taught such important lessons > > about dismemberment fantasies? > > I had a teacher in high school who screwed us out of our feild trip, so > instead he brought in some slides of some pictures he took when he was a > helicopter pilot in The War Against Viet Nam and Sanity. One slide was a > chixor who was carrying around her blue decomposing baby and another one > was one of his comrades who got minced up by the blades of a crashed > helicopter. Is that the kind of teacher you had in mind? Only if he actually killed the baby and the comrade by ripping their ears off with his bare hands, or if he at least ripped the slides up with his bare hands after you saw them. You get half credit if the reason you had to miss the field trip was that he kept shouting "Permission slips are a tool OF THE GOVERNMENT!!!" -- K. Let your conscience be your guide! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: It's official. Now I hate "South Park". Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 03:16:54 GMT [regarding Mr. High Hat, educational hand-puppet] Ted Frank (moe@radix.net) wrote: > > Ryan W. Mead (ryanmead1985@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > I remember a story about him emphasizing the "R" sound > > in which he helped a rabbit with red stripes lose the stripes > > and become a regular rabbit. > > I had a rabbi with red stripes once. Does that make you the big-eared Darrin or the in-the-closet Darrin? I recall that was a pretty lame episode, so I bet it was one of the ones with the second Darrin. It was certainly in color because the stripes drawn on Sam's face were definitely red. I don't recall the details, but I'm sure I can re-create the entire episode: ...Dr. Bombay gives Sam the wrong witch medicine for her witch cold. She breaks out in red stripes during Darrin's presentation to a client. Mr. Tate fires him but the client says "Red striped rashes! What a brilliant new way to advertise my peanut butter!" and Darrin is re-hired at exactly the same salary he's re-hired at every week. Then Endora accidentally duplicates all my E-mail because I changed the time zone on my computer. > According to groups.google.com, Kibo has not made a post about Lardo-brand > candy since January 24, 2002. The fourth anniversary of the original > ark reference to Lardo will be on February 8, 2003. Please light a > candle. But how do I know that the candle won't have been made in a factory that molds candles from pig rectums on alternate days? -- K. I noticed that "beef bacon" is now available even in my local non-kosher supermarket, where it's somewhat cheaper than the "beef fry" at the kosher market. Is either worth trying? Or are they almost as bad as that vegetarian fake bacon? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Do my homework for me Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 03:24:03 GMT [in which Matt brags about one of his big TV's 349 special features, but fails to impress me because I have one and a half TiVos more than he does] David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > [...] > > > Not that we actually use that much, since to exploit it means > > > changing a bunch of settings every time you watch a widescreen DVD > > > (and we're already messing with the color presets), for a payoff > > > that is not noticeable to anyone but carefully coached nerds, > > > and life is too short. > > > > From now on, whenever I encounter the word "audiophile" or > > "videophile," I'm going to nod knowingly as I translate it in my mind > > as "carefully coached nerd." Good one, Matt! > > For extra fun, translate silently "faux-audiophile" as "carefully coached > nerd with a green magic marker"... Last week, at Matt & Samantha's place, we watched some episodes of "Winky Dink & You" from my collection, and I insisted we play along because otherwise we could not have the fun and Andy Kaufman would chide us by name, but all Matt had for me to doodle on his big TV with was a green magic marker. So when I traced King Kooky's nose and shirt button to make an invisible submarine in which Winky Dink could sail across the moat to rescue Andy Kaufman, the audio suddenly got clearer and I could faintly hear the subliminal messages: "Wrestle me... but only if you're a sexy chick... do not notice the duct tape under my shorts..." So anyway, now we know: Matt keeps a green magic marker near his supposedly awesome TV. But in truth, it's just a black-and-white General Electric 4" set from 1976, and he's made it seem better by tracing over all the wires inside it with his green magic marker. -- K. I'm only being mean to Matt because he didn't have enough plastic wrap to cover the entire giant screen, so I could only play along when Andy Kaufman went up the bottom half of the stairs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Attention: Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 03:27:29 GMT David Pacheco (dpacheco@iname.com) wrote: > > [...] the definition of "preen" includes the meaning "to remove the ticks > and chiggers from one's fur, and then post them to the Internet" You know, I think that might be the 21st century's most important new e-business model. I'm going to invest fifty million dollars in it now, as long as you promise I'll get back ten times that in exactly ten years. It'll succeed as long as your advertising involves hiring two, not just one, person to dress up in a big fuzzy tick suit and wander around Manhattan bothering pedestrians. I suggest getting the Not Tim Allen guy from the live Buzz Lightyear show at Disneyland. > [...] > Speaking of my son, he has now learned to distinguish right from wrong. > I know this, because every time he starts toddling towards the wine > racks with the intent to jiggle each bottle to see if it explodes, he > looks back at me with a very serious look and says "No! No!" while > shaking his head. I nod my head and say "That's right! Don't mess > with daddy's liquor, you little goober, or you will come to know severe > pain intimately, yea, even unto the seventh generation!" and he just > keeps going. He stands there, one hand wagging a finger at me, one > hand trying to tip the racks over, terribly serious look on his face. He's another child whose life will be ruined by the new 7-Up advertising campaign. They've started printing their logo upside-down on the bottles, and the store displays have signs that say "FLIP IT!" in Scott Kim-style lettering that looks exactly as ugly when turned upside down. Apparently this is supposed to be a callback to their 1970s "the Uncola" ad campaign which featured glasses designed to look like upside-down soda-fountain glasses (the sort nobody has used, right-side-up or upside-down, in thirty years.) But now they're just telling you to flip the bottle over a few times before unscrewing the highly pressurized cap. Did "the Uncola" commercials come before or after those animated ones where the message was that if you drank 7-Up, you'd turn into an LSD-inspired neon butterfly? Hmm, maybe we could do some sort of cross-promotion with our eTick business. > He's a smart kid. I took him up to Vasquez Rocks last week, and he > still found his way back home. Well, sure. All he had to do was head directly away from the "Star Trek" fistfight music. I need to visit Vasquez Rock someday, now that I've been to Bronson Film Cave (And it isn't even a cave! It's a tunnel! Why couldn't Lois Lane ever figure out that she could just walk out the back? How come the Riddler never wandered into the Batcave through Batman's wide-open back door?) and I've seen the "Damnation Alley" Landmaster and the Bradbury building and Griffith Observatory and Forrest Ackerman's house before he moved out so, once I visit Vasquez Rock, I will have been in every place robots, Martians, and zombies have ever been. > [...] > Once you meet transdimensional Kibo, you will understand the pain > that can only be achieved by making a pun across all known coordinates > of space, time and nougat. I don't use coordinates for my puns, because it's too hard to find words that sound like "Garanimals" but stupider. > [...] > Also, I've lost 17 pounds, and I went to a seminar last week on > health and workout issues where the speaker--supposedly a PhD in > workoutology--kept mispelling the word "muscle". He warned against > caffeine consumption but someone called him on the fact he had a huge > venti from Starbucks under the podium. 'Bout as sharp as a mouthful of > warm spit, that boy; his head was shaped like an oil drum with ears, > and every time someone asked him a question his brain emitted a > KLANGing noise and stopped functioning for two minutes. That reminds me, I had some Japanese noodles a while ago where the packet's ingredients included "adductor muscle", and I don't whether if they meant shellfish or butts. I recall those also included "cat's ear", which I think is the same as "jew's ear", meaning little black leather fungi that grow on dead trees. But the "adductor muscle" is a mystery. > So last week I learned that working out makes you DUM. Therefore, in > order to further my ambitions of becoming Mr. Universe, I've decided to > read and post to Usenet more often. YAY!!! This will allow us to read your wonderful stuff more often, which makes us SPECIAL! -- K. Are you saying that instead of mud wrestling, this guy participated in dum wrestling? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: You Say You Want a Resolution... Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 03:33:59 GMT Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > In keeping with my resolve to have more kibological things happen to me > when I'm not even trying, I passed this truck on the freeway today: > > http://www.waxie.com/waxie-truck2.jpg > > Waxie - the busy bees of sanitary supply How do you know it wasn't a different truck with exactly the same paint job as the one in Waxie, Inc.'s photo? I doubt they only have one, otherwise it would need to drive around the country for 563 hours a day to deliver thousands of rolls of the waxed toilet paper that comes out of beehives. Just once I'd like to see a brand of toilet paper which guarantees it's NOT made by clouds, teddy bears, or bees. Toilet paper made by humans, for humans. Because my butt is part of a human. -- K. Some say it's the most important part. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Scientific proof that salespersons are DUMB Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 07:27:40 GMT Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Coincidentally, a couple nights ago I dreamt I was working at my old coffee > shop and reading usenet and Kibo showed up and brought chinese food to all > the customers there, but only because everyone heard that if he didn't > bring chinese food he would cancel the Star Trek franchise forever the enb. Wait... then why did I buy Chinese food? I'd rather cancel any given TV show than pay money for other people to get fat while watching TV! Plus I've wanted to cancel "Star Trek" for years. Then I'll have achieved my lifelong dream of cancelling "Star Trek" and making "Knight Rider" stupid. Also, I'm not cancelling "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?", but I am reducing its budget and retitling it "Who Wants Half A Serving Of Cold Chinese Food?" -- K. And I'm cancelling "Doctor Who" a seventh time, until the BBC agrees that the Daleks should be the good guys and the car from "Knight Rider" is the mentally- challenged robot death machine. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Black Market Liquid Food Date: Thu, 9 Jan 2003 10:51:28 GMT Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > I just received a very hush-hush telephone call from my brother. He was > calling from a phone booth. He said "don't ask questions. Just tell me > which you prefer -- Chocolate or Vanilla Ensure?" Huh? I told him it > doesn't matter. He then went on to tell me that he scored a deal on some > cases of Ensure and he will go to the undisclosed location tomorrow (which > he then proceeded to tell me was the third house just north of the subway on > Lansdowne) but he has to go with "a friend" and then he can get me the stuff > for $20 for case of 24 cans. What?? Well apparently the guy who is selling > off the cans of liquid meal-replacements no longer needs them but doesn't > want to see it all go to waste so he is trying to recoup some of his money. > > Does anyone else envision the cops busting down my door, guns aimed at me, > yelling "DROP THAT CAN!! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR POSSESSION OF ILLEGAL > ENSURE!!" or is it just me? Did you at least ask if it was regular Ensure, Ensure Plus, or new Double Ensure With Nuggets? And why weren't the truly awful flavors, such as that Butter Pecan one, available? Also, it's mean of you not to tell us what you know about that asteroid that's going to wash away the Statue Of Liberty's head and will kill us all unless we outrun the tidal wave on a moped unless we get caught up in the heated office politics concerning who gets the graveyard-shift newsreader job on Microsoft's lame TV news channel. I mean, jeez, that movie made "Meteor" look like "Asteroid", and made "Asteroid" look like "Armageddon", and made "Armageddon" look like "The Fifth Element", and made "The Fifth Element" look like that "Six Million Dollar Man" episode where a mad scientist blasted an asteroid out of orbit so it was going to destroy the world so Steve Austin had to go to the asteroid (which was shaped like an unrolled map) and squeeze one of the mad scientist's nuclear bombs into a narrower shape so that it would push the asteroid back into orbit. But at least it didn't have all those product placements on how we should stock up on Ensure before the world is destroyed. -- K. I kept waiting for the President to pick up a can of Ensure and read all the ingredients aloud to teach us that reading is outta sight! Then Letterman would save the world by changing the asteroid into a harmless steroid. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Add To Cart Until It Explodes. Date: Thu, 9 Jan 2003 12:10:59 GMT Whenever I'm shopping on the Internet, I always wonder, "How much can this Web site's imaginary shopping carts hold before they explode?" So, I like to try to buy 999,999,999,999 of whatever's on sale. And then, if that doesn't make it display negative numbers or bizarre error messages, I try to buy 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999. Well, today I found a site that truly has the capacity I need. I found one that allowed me to order up to 10^300-1 items (that's 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999, 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999, 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999, 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999, 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999, 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 in primitive Earth numbers.) Of course, rounding errors kicked in, and it charged me for an extra one (Waah! I wanted 10^300-1, not 10^300!) but still, it's nice to know that if I ever need to order that many copies of the same book, I can do that, and then I'll never be able to lose them all, assuming they don't just form into a black hole that swallows the entire Universe. This store even sells anvils, and 10^300 anvils would be the greatest "Road Runner" cartoon ever, if Chuck Jones were younger so he could draw that many. I think if I researched this further I'd turn into Harry Stephen Keeler and go around depositing single dollars into banks under the name "John Jones" so that when I'm thawed out 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 years in the future I'd have enough money to buy all the anvils in the world, leading to a perfect Socialist state where everyone had plenty of anvils to eat. Can anyone top the 10^300 figure by finding a Web site that can sell 10^400 items, or better yet, a googolplex? I might want a googolplex of Pez someday. And would there be a price break if I ordered more? -- K. The site that almost goes up to 10^300 abbreviates "discount" as two words. ("ds cnt") And now, a purple Muppet vampire will count to 10^300, and although that may be boring, don't dis Count.