From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Famke Jansen is Kibo ? Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 03:40:01 -0500 Stephenls (stephenls@shaw.ca) wrote: > > [...] > > I've never seen Kibo and /me/ in the same place! That's because your show is in re-runs on The Family Channel, while mine is in heavy rotation over on Oxygen. No, wait, I didn't say "Oxygen", I mentioned some other channel named after a chemical element. And a really manly element too, so it's not Oxygen or Plutonium. My show's over on Boron, yeah, that's it, Boron. HIGH DEFINITION BORON. Incidentally, there are too many of these "made by women for women" channels like Oxygen and Lifetime and The Food Network and not enough "made by men for women" channels. In fact, I don't think there are any of those. I can't say what the name of the network would be, but the slogan would be "HEY, LADIES, WE'VE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU!" -- K. It would require a nine-inch screen. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The War! I am mentioning... The War! Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 04:47:26 -0500 What I'd like to know is... when would YOU like the war to start? Or, to ask a more useful question, where would YOU like to be the moment the war starts? (I'll add up all the votes and forward them to the person in charge of these decisions, the most important person in America according to the TV news: Michael Jackson. Then he can start the war at a time that's right for you.) I would like the war to start a few days from now, while I am deep in the Diefenbunker. Also I want it to be a nuclear war because that would be okay, as long as the war starts OUTSIDE the Diefenbunker while I am inside. Incidentally, for the next couple weeks, I'm going to be out of the country, in an undisclosed location which may or may not have Mounties riding caribou while playing hockey and calling Fruit By The Foot "Fruit-O-Long". So expect me to make some posts about whatever disturbing local equivalent of Harry Stinson is shown on the local TV channels of this undisclosed location (which may or may not be near the Diefenbunker) assuming that Canada now has Internet access. WHOOPS! I JUST LEAKED THAT I WAS GOING TO CANADA! Great, now the whole country will be crowded by the time I get there. I won't publicly disclose the specifics of the dates and times and places for this vacation (paparazzi, snipers, and that annoying guy who rides his giant tricycle up and down the street while screaming would all love to follow me) but if anyone here lives in the half of Canada that's within easy walking distance of Ottawa, send me E-mail in case I have a spare ticket for a hockey game or anything. I might, I might not, there's a waiting list, I just want to be sure I don't have to scalp it on eBay.CA so that all the other people at the arena wonder if the empty seat next to me is due to cooties or something. Like I said, I don't even know that I'll have a spare ticket, but send mail if you want to be notified of that unlikely eventuality. (Explain why I wouldn't mind sitting next to you in 25 words or less.) Also, what should I visit in the Ottawa/Hull area? I think I've already found the major museums on the map, and I know where the Eternal Flame is (I forget whether it's the 9th or 10th Eternal Flame I'll have seen in Canada) and it's too early in the year to see the Changing Of The Guard or go on an Amphibus tour, but there must be other stuff. Are there any supermarkets with funny signage, or places that make funny noises? -- K. And yes, I'm making the trip just so I can refill my pantry with Fruit-O-Long. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Me and my wire. Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 03:24:38 -0500 Short shameful confession: I mail-ordered a big coil of wire. It came wrapped up as a flat circular package three feet in diameter. I had it sent to my office because this is the sort of thing my apartment's mailroom could have lost, given that it was only three feet across. As I was carrying the big white disc out of the office, more than one person asked me if it was a shield. My one regret in life is that I said "No, it's my cool new belt buckle" and did not think of yelling "HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF INDULGING IN HOPLOMACHIAN ACTIVITY?" until I was already out the door. So now I will never get to use the word "hoplomachian" in a sentence. Please do something that lets me say "hoplomachian" at least twice. Thank you. -- K. You could ask if I know any anagrams of the title of the heartwarming new Family Channel drama, "HALO ON A CHIMP". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: St. Stupid Day Parade Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 05:02:24 -0500 Wiblur the Once (jchapman@aros.net) wrote: > > Is anyone going to the St. Stupid Parade in San Francisco on April 1? > I am considering showing up for it and was thinking it would be fun to > represent Kibology along with any other ARKians that fancy a bit of > strangeness. San Francisco is only strange one day a year now? Sounds like fun, but I don't think I want to leave the United States again so soon. Besides, wouldn't it be funnier if they held St. Stupid parades in really normal places, like Minneapolis or St. Louis? Or better yet, if they held a St. Louis parade in St. Stupid at the same time? If they held one of those St. Stupid In A Really Unpleasantly Normal City parades in Cincinnati, I'd go just so I could be in the parade in a rocking chair on top of a Cadillac, shouting "CADILLAC ROCKING CHAIR CINCINNATI! CADILLAC ROCKING CHAIR CINCINNATI!" because every neurologist knows that saying "CADILLAC ROCKING CHAIR CINCINNATI!" means you don't have a brain tumor. (I still can't believe that, in that incident years ago, one of the other questions was "Who is the current Vice President?" There must be lots of people who get unnecessary lobotomies because of that one. I think they dropped that question from the American version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" because their questions don't go up to $2,000,000.) -- K. P.S. I forget which one of CADILLAC ROCKING CHAIR CINCINNATI!!! I couldn't remember the first time. I remember the doctor reminded me it was one of the ones that starts with "C". Also, as I learned from a song on "Sesame Street", "Cookie Cookie Cookie Starts With C." But "Sesame Street" never taught me anything I needed to know, like CADILLAC ROCKING CHAIR CINCINNATI!!!!!! P.P.S. E, FP, TOZ, LPED, PECFD, EDFCZP. And the bottom line begins with PEZ, but I don't know the flavor. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Announcement, Includes Bitterness Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 05:19:11 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > My sister-in-law keeps sending me Anne Geddes (is that the one who > dresses up kids as flowers and veggies and stuff?) crap. I guess if you > have kids, you are supposed to like seeing them disguised as edibles. > Maybe I am supposed to have fantasies of just being able to water and > fertilize them periodically as my sole obligation toward keeping them > alive. That I could buy into, if it wasn't done in such a cutesy > manner. A.r.k is one of the few places on Earth where people recognize the futility of trying to pretend that babies are inanimate objects which may or may not be edible. As I used to say about Matt & Samantha's Anne Geddes picture before I yanked it off their bathroom wall, "BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BABIES ON THE BOTTOM?" I keep thinking Anne Geddes should get together with William Wegman and produce hundreds of identical photos of sad-looking dogs dressed as unhappy babies dressed as sad-looking dogs. Also throw in Louis Wain so the dogs dressed as babies dressed as dogs will really be dogs dressed as babies dressed as dogs dressed as cats who are on fire in the fourth dimension. And add just a pinch of M.C. Escher so that they can all be falling down the stairs in different directions at the same time. Oh, and add in a Matthew Paris drawing so that in the background there can be a knight with super-skinny legs, a tiny squire and a horse with really great hair. And right now, I just heard that Mr. Rogers died, so put him in too so that the tiny squire can be on top of a giant castle made from an oatmeal can painted blue, while a guy in a sweater spies on the palace intrigue through a trolley tunnel. -- K. Just in case I had anything to do with it, I apologize for killing Mr. Rogers, but I hope I didn't do it because he was one of my favorite people in the whole world. He had a true respect for children, unlike Anne Geddes, who doesn't think children are cute unless they're disguised as stuffed animals. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Cube. (Revised with more lemony kontext) Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 03:53:35 -0500 Ricky Morse (rem14@cornell.edu) wrote: > > [...] > > Note to self: context bad, as it seems to prevent followups... So I was at the shopping mall yesterday, because I thought that would be more fun than going to the learning mall or the vivisection mall, and I had my laptop with me so I typed up the following file named "dumb things at the mall": -> FlipBook: World History: From Homo Sapiens Until Today -> -> ePregnancy magazine -> -> bear-a-phernalia at Build-A-Bear Workshop The first two were in the front half of a bookstore (the front half is where the bad books are.) I was delighted to find out that those darn Homo Sapiens were extinct (probably because they couldn't breed, and I guess they didn't have an adequate recruiting budget) and that you could now be pregnant on the Internet even though very few Web sites stay around for a full nine months. The third was a sign which said "BEAR-A-PHERNALIA" in wacky letters at Build-A-Bear Workshop, which is, I am not making this up, a store which sells limp, gutless teddy bears that you have to shove fiberglas into yourself. They even have a book you can look in to see what names you can give the bear! I was going to buy a bear but the book didn't have a listing for the name I wanted, so I went to Sears and shopped for a rivet gun. Neither store was fun, but if they combined them into "Rivet-A-Bear Workshop", that might be good. Also the book of names for riveted bears could be titled "From Homo Sapiens Until ePregnancy". -- K. One wonders how many people it took to think up the word "bear-a-phernalia". (I am assuming it was thought up, and not just a spelling error. But that could be a stupid assumption. I guess I'm not smart enough to appreciate "bear-a-phernalia"!) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Whoah! Trippy! Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 04:17:51 -0500 Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > I went to bed but couldn't sleep so I got up again and decided to fix myself > some apricot tea. In my kitchen, there is a fluorescent light under the > cupboards that I keep on all the time. Now I don't know if it was a > combination of my eyeballs still being used to the complete darkness nor do > I know if it was some cool new trick that the fluorescent light under the > cupboards recently learned but strange stuff happened... > > I was reaching for the kettle and I noticed this blue streak that followed > my arm. How odd! So I moved my arm back and forth again and it kept > happening. The only way I can describe it is how my ex-husband described > "acid trails." Kinda like there was a somewhat blurred bluish glow the same > shape and size of my arm and hand yet it was following just a split second > after my movements. > > My! But that was an amusing 15 minutes of me standing there in the kitchen, > flailing my arms about and giggling like an idiot! > > ~T (really! I only took *two* Advil!) It's okay. It's only sort of a hallucination. A _real_ hallucination would involve your arm moving through a solid block of ear wax that was singing the theme to "Knight Rider" at triple speed, or possibly a packet of Liptop Cup-A-Soup where the tiny, tissue-paper-like noodles were crushing people while the space between the dots of your TV screen was filled with invisible midgets. I should point out that I've never taken Advil, therefore I can't be insane... YET. -- K. I had half a teaspoon of children's liquid Motrin once, and it made my throat all swelly. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ATTENTION ZIXIA AND JOE MANFRE Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 04:11:21 -0500 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > CONDUCT PROHIBITED AT MY COMPANY > (I am informed) > * Includes, but is not limited to: > * Offensive staring > > Please ensure you stare in a defensive manner at all times. Thanks you. Maybe your company employs Superman. He can fire heat beams from his eyes when he stares at people whose heads he wishes would burst into flame. And because they're heat beams made of X-rays, they can actually pass through his friends to burn the internal organs of bad guys down the hall. This explains why they didn't prohibit farting. Superman emits heat from his eyes, therefore his sphincter is just for looking at things. It's his one weakness: Superman doesn't know how to fart correctly. Luckily, Lex Luthor hasn't figured out how to exploit this. In fact, the idea is so disgusting that Lex Luthor spends all his time figuring out how to NOT exploit Superman's inability to fart. I don't think my office even has a code of conduct. Last I saw, they barely even had a piranha, so fat chance of them ever being able to enforce a code of conduct. (It's a bad sign when fish lie down, right?) -- K. I'd rather be around a piranha than Superman. Superman would be a nuisance because he'd keep leaving his clothes all over the floor of the broom closet. But Supergirl, she'd be great to have around. And there would HAVE to be a video camera in the broom closet to make sure nobody steals any brooms.