Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 04:11:22 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ATTENTION ZIXIA AND JOE MANFRE Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > CONDUCT PROHIBITED AT MY COMPANY > (I am informed) > * Includes, but is not limited to: > * Offensive staring > > Please ensure you stare in a defensive manner at all times. Thanks you. Maybe your company employs Superman. He can fire heat beams from his eyes when he stares at people whose heads he wishes would burst into flame. And because they're heat beams made of X-rays, they can actually pass through his friends to burn the internal organs of bad guys down the hall. This explains why they didn't prohibit farting. Superman emits heat from his eyes, therefore his sphincter is just for looking at things. It's his one weakness: Superman doesn't know how to fart correctly. Luckily, Lex Luthor hasn't figured out how to exploit this. In fact, the idea is so disgusting that Lex Luthor spends all his time figuring out how to NOT exploit Superman's inability to fart. I don't think my office even has a code of conduct. Last I saw, they barely even had a piranha, so fat chance of them ever being able to enforce a code of conduct. (It's a bad sign when fish lie down, right?) -- K. I'd rather be around a piranha than Superman. Superman would be a nuisance because he'd keep leaving his clothes all over the floor of the broom closet. But Supergirl, she'd be great to have around. And there would HAVE to be a video camera in the broom closet to make sure nobody steals any brooms. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 04:17:52 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Whoah! Trippy! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > I went to bed but couldn't sleep so I got up again and decided to fix myself > some apricot tea. In my kitchen, there is a fluorescent light under the > cupboards that I keep on all the time. Now I don't know if it was a > combination of my eyeballs still being used to the complete darkness nor do > I know if it was some cool new trick that the fluorescent light under the > cupboards recently learned but strange stuff happened... > > I was reaching for the kettle and I noticed this blue streak that followed > my arm. How odd! So I moved my arm back and forth again and it kept > happening. The only way I can describe it is how my ex-husband described > "acid trails." Kinda like there was a somewhat blurred bluish glow the same > shape and size of my arm and hand yet it was following just a split second > after my movements. > > My! But that was an amusing 15 minutes of me standing there in the kitchen, > flailing my arms about and giggling like an idiot! > > ~T (really! I only took *two* Advil!) It's okay. It's only sort of a hallucination. A _real_ hallucination would involve your arm moving through a solid block of ear wax that was singing the theme to "Knight Rider" at triple speed, or possibly a packet of Liptop Cup-A-Soup where the tiny, tissue-paper-like noodles were crushing people while the space between the dots of your TV screen was filled with invisible midgets. I should point out that I've never taken Advil, therefore I can't be insane... YET. -- K. I had half a teaspoon of children's liquid Motrin once, and it made my throat all swelly. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 04:47:28 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The War! I am mentioning... The War! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology What I'd like to know is... when would YOU like the war to start? Or, to ask a more useful question, where would YOU like to be the moment the war starts? (I'll add up all the votes and forward them to the person in charge of these decisions, the most important person in America according to the TV news: Michael Jackson. Then he can start the war at a time that's right for you.) I would like the war to start a few days from now, while I am deep in the Diefenbunker. Also I want it to be a nuclear war because that would be okay, as long as the war starts OUTSIDE the Diefenbunker while I am inside. Incidentally, for the next couple weeks, I'm going to be out of the country, in an undisclosed location which may or may not have Mounties riding caribou while playing hockey and calling Fruit By The Foot "Fruit-O-Long". So expect me to make some posts about whatever disturbing local equivalent of Harry Stinson is shown on the local TV channels of this undisclosed location (which may or may not be near the Diefenbunker) assuming that Canada now has Internet access. WHOOPS! I JUST LEAKED THAT I WAS GOING TO CANADA! Great, now the whole country will be crowded by the time I get there. I won't publicly disclose the specifics of the dates and times and places for this vacation (paparazzi, snipers, and that annoying guy who rides his giant tricycle up and down the street while screaming would all love to follow me) but if anyone here lives in the half of Canada that's within easy walking distance of Ottawa, send me E-mail in case I have a spare ticket for a hockey game or anything. I might, I might not, there's a waiting list, I just want to be sure I don't have to scalp it on eBay.CA so that all the other people at the arena wonder if the empty seat next to me is due to cooties or something. Like I said, I don't even know that I'll have a spare ticket, but send mail if you want to be notified of that unlikely eventuality. (Explain why I wouldn't mind sitting next to you in 25 words or less.) Also, what should I visit in the Ottawa/Hull area? I think I've already found the major museums on the map, and I know where the Eternal Flame is (I forget whether it's the 9th or 10th Eternal Flame I'll have seen in Canada) and it's too early in the year to see the Changing Of The Guard or go on an Amphibus tour, but there must be other stuff. Are there any supermarkets with funny signage, or places that make funny noises? -- K. And yes, I'm making the trip just so I can refill my pantry with Fruit-O-Long. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 05:02:26 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: St. Stupid Day Parade Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Wiblur the Once (jchapman@aros.net) wrote: > > Is anyone going to the St. Stupid Parade in San Francisco on April 1? > I am considering showing up for it and was thinking it would be fun to > represent Kibology along with any other ARKians that fancy a bit of > strangeness. San Francisco is only strange one day a year now? Sounds like fun, but I don't think I want to leave the United States again so soon. Besides, wouldn't it be funnier if they held St. Stupid parades in really normal places, like Minneapolis or St. Louis? Or better yet, if they held a St. Louis parade in St. Stupid at the same time? If they held one of those St. Stupid In A Really Unpleasantly Normal City parades in Cincinnati, I'd go just so I could be in the parade in a rocking chair on top of a Cadillac, shouting "CADILLAC ROCKING CHAIR CINCINNATI! CADILLAC ROCKING CHAIR CINCINNATI!" because every neurologist knows that saying "CADILLAC ROCKING CHAIR CINCINNATI!" means you don't have a brain tumor. (I still can't believe that, in that incident years ago, one of the other questions was "Who is the current Vice President?" There must be lots of people who get unnecessary lobotomies because of that one. I think they dropped that question from the American version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" because their questions don't go up to $2,000,000.) -- K. P.S. I forget which one of CADILLAC ROCKING CHAIR CINCINNATI!!! I couldn't remember the first time. I remember the doctor reminded me it was one of the ones that starts with "C". Also, as I learned from a song on "Sesame Street", "Cookie Cookie Cookie Starts With C." But "Sesame Street" never taught me anything I needed to know, like CADILLAC ROCKING CHAIR CINCINNATI!!!!!! P.P.S. E, FP, TOZ, LPED, PECFD, EDFCZP. And the bottom line begins with PEZ, but I don't know the flavor. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 05:19:12 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Announcement, Includes Bitterness Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > My sister-in-law keeps sending me Anne Geddes (is that the one who > dresses up kids as flowers and veggies and stuff?) crap. I guess if you > have kids, you are supposed to like seeing them disguised as edibles. > Maybe I am supposed to have fantasies of just being able to water and > fertilize them periodically as my sole obligation toward keeping them > alive. That I could buy into, if it wasn't done in such a cutesy > manner. A.r.k is one of the few places on Earth where people recognize the futility of trying to pretend that babies are inanimate objects which may or may not be edible. As I used to say about Matt & Samantha's Anne Geddes picture before I yanked it off their bathroom wall, "BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BABIES ON THE BOTTOM?" I keep thinking Anne Geddes should get together with William Wegman and produce hundreds of identical photos of sad-looking dogs dressed as unhappy babies dressed as sad-looking dogs. Also throw in Louis Wain so the dogs dressed as babies dressed as dogs will really be dogs dressed as babies dressed as dogs dressed as cats who are on fire in the fourth dimension. And add just a pinch of M.C. Escher so that they can all be falling down the stairs in different directions at the same time. Oh, and add in a Matthew Paris drawing so that in the background there can be a knight with super-skinny legs, a tiny squire and a horse with really great hair. And right now, I just heard that Mr. Rogers died, so put him in too so that the tiny squire can be on top of a giant castle made from an oatmeal can painted blue, while a guy in a sweater spies on the palace intrigue through a trolley tunnel. -- K. Just in case I had anything to do with it, I apologize for killing Mr. Rogers, but I hope I didn't do it because he was one of my favorite people in the whole world. He had a true respect for children, unlike Anne Geddes, who doesn't think children are cute unless they're disguised as stuffed animals. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 06:30:04 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Mr. Rogers memories Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology I wanted to say how much I liked Mr. Rogers (who died this morning), but I don't have time to say everything good about him that I want to, so instead I'll only say the single bad thing I can say about him, and then you can just assume he was perfect in all other ways. He once endorsed a set of little bath soaps shaped like brightly-colored sea life (fishies, sea horses, etc.) He plugged them on TV and they came in a plastic box with form-fitting spaces for each of the ten or so soaps. On TV, when he took one out of the box, there was another identical one behind it. When my mother bought me a set at the local supermarket, guess how many layers there actually were. That's right, Mr. Rogers taught me that Piaget's concept of object permanence was a sham, and if you can't see what's behind something, it means there is nothing behind it. (And that's why I have never bathed again.) But other than that he was a great guy. His show taught kids three things. (1) He told kids that they were special and people cared about them. (2) He encouraged kids to play creatively and fantasize. And most importantly, the primary focus of the show was (3) learning about feelings. He didn't teach about "manners" or that other charm-school stuff. He didn't teach facts. He simply presented little psychodramas where puppets would act out everyday situations and little prince Tuesday would feel angry or sad or guilty and Mr. Rogers would talk about feelings to help kids understand why they felt the way they did. Absolutely nobody else taught emotional well-being to kids -- there were lots of other shows that taught a mixture of facts and counting and "always say please" and "always share everything, all the time" and "always be nice to everyone, even the bullies" while Mr. Rogers dealt with actual emotional situations in a very careful, thoughtful manner. He respected the kids to an incredible degree, talking directly to them, so that they could feel they were conversing with him, because he had amazing intuition as to what kids wanted to know about and what they needed reassurance about. I've always liked that he tried hard not to make the production values of the show very slick, in order to encourage kids to use their imagination. The fantasy characters in The Land Of Make-Believe were just his "neighbors" in different costumes, and he would occasionally point that out. He worked crude little hand puppets which didn't look "alive" the way the Muppets do, but that wasn't the goal. And every once in a while, instead of acting out the fantasy with the puppets and the full-size castle set, he'd set a little version of the same castle (made from an oatmeal box) on a card table in his kitchen and talk about what they would pretend that day. (Although, even as a child, it bothered me that there was a traffic light in the middle of the "real" part of his living room for no apparent reason.) Mr. Rogers was one of those people you just couldn't imagine EVER getting angry or saying a naughty word, and yet he was clearly a fun guy, who knew how to make people smile, who had a wild imagination, and who was interested in finding out how tofu or trombones were made. And as a kid, you knew that every day he'd come to that special living room with the little trolley going through it, he'd talk to you for half an hour, and then he'd go back to wherever he went the other 23.5 hours or his day, but he'd always remind you that he'd come back. Sure, Captain Kangaroo was (and is) a nice guy. And sure, the original "Sesame Street" had a brilliant wit and style. But absolutely nobody could make kids as happy as Mr. Rogers. On the other shows people tuned in to see the comedy sketches with the wacky puppets. On Mr. Rogers's show, _he_ was the main reason to watch. Other shows were like school. Mr. Rogers's show was about having friends. And of course almost all other children's TV is worthless toy commercials. We need more TV shows that are nice to kids, as opposed to stuff that consists of twenty minutes of shooting at terrorists and then thirty seconds of platitudes. ("Rat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat! Always share!") I could go on quite a while about why Mr. Rogers had the greatest children's TV show ever, but you get the idea. And I forgive him for there not being anything behind the soap. -- K. BOOMERANG! TOOMERANG! ZOOMERANG! ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 23:22:48 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Announcement, Includes Bitterness Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] Oh, and add in a Matthew Paris drawing so that in the > > background there can be a knight with super-skinny legs, a tiny squire > > and a horse with really great hair. > > you might as well put butterfly wings on the knight and squire and > possibly even the horse, then paint it in watercolors and call it > a maxwell parish painting. What if Matthew Paris and Maxfield Parrish switched places? I think it would go something like this: (sound of a lot of Crusaders fighting hippies) And then there was the time I invented a gun that caused Rip Torn to be Rip Taylor, and vice versa. I tested it during the middle of an episode of "The Larry Sanders Show": GARRY SHANDLING Do you think that woman from the network thinks my ass looks big? RIP TORN What that bitch needs is a good kick in the nuts! That's how I dealt with Lucille Ball, and that's -- (ZAPPING NOISE) RIP TAYLOR (holding up a telegram with a noose wrapped around it) Look! A wire hanger! It's a *WIRE* *HANGER*! (he holds up a baby grand piano dressed as a corporate executive) Look! Baby on board! *BABY* on *BOARD*! Get it? GARRY SHANDLING Hey, didn't you used to be evil in a funny way, instead of being not-funny in an evil way? ...but that project was abandoned because, unlike the Matthew Paris / Maxfield Parrish switcheroo, it wouldn't improve the world of fine art prints. I'm still working on an orbital space laser that can turn William Wegman into Wil Wheaton, so that his dogs won't look so bored. > > And right now, I just heard that Mr. Rogers died, so put him in too so > > that the tiny squire can be on top of a giant castle made from an > > oatmeal can painted blue, while a guy in a sweater spies on the palace > > intrigue through a trolley tunnel. I swear that when I was composing this followup and I indented that quote, the first thing I thought it said was "I just heard that Mr. Rogers died, so put him in an oatmeal can painted blue," and I thought "That guy who said that is such a sick jerk!" and then I realized it was me so I guess it was okay to mis-read that sentence in that way. > poor mr. rogers! what with him and the kaptain both being gone (the > kaptain *is* dead, isn't he? BOB HOPE BOB HOPE BOB HOPE!) this leave > michael jackson as the sole celebrity well-known for his love of the > children. Bob Keeshan is dead? Oh no! If true, this means now they'll never be able to make that sequel to "The Stupids"! Unless they can change it so that Tom Arnold spends the whole movie trying to kill Michael Jackson instead of Bob Keeshan. But that might wreck the intricate plotting. I AM GOING TO KEEP TALKING ABOUT THAT MOVIE UNTIL SOMEONE ELSE ADMITS LIKING AT LEAST A PART OF IT. -- K. You gotta admit, having Christopher Lee and Bob Keeshan playing the same character was a brilliant idea, especially because we know that in real life, neither of them is as evil as they seem. I'm sure Bob Keeshan only had Slim Goodbody on his show because someone was holding a gun to Bunny Rabbit's head. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 23:23:42 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Announcement, Includes Bitterness Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Pugg (pugg71@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Babies. > > So the other day I'm shopping at the Martin's (our local version of > Giant Foods) for, oh, let's say ice cream. So, I've got my ice cream > in the cart and I'm walking to the check-out when I spy a display of > pastry boxes. Now, I can take pastry or I can leave it, but this > particular display caught my eye because of the warning printed in > large red type across the back of each box: > > DANGER: CHOKING HAZARD! > > Wondering what sort of pastry might present a choking hazard, I walked > over to the display and picked up one of the boxes. It was a King > Cake, the dense, fruit-cakey pastries served by some Catholics as part > of the celebration of Epiphany. I guess fruit cake could be considered > a choking hazard, but King Cake has something even more dangerous than > bits of green cherries. > > What makes the King Cake such a special treat for Catholics is that a > small figure of the baby Jesus is baked into the cake. Traditionally, > family and friends gather together to share the cake, and whoever gets > the slice containing the baby Jesus is "King for the day." This person > is then expected to host a party, or buy everyone some decent cake, or > something. It actually sounds like kind of a raw deal for the King, > but I'm not going to argue with a centuries-old tradition when it's > not the reason I'm writing this in the first place. > > The reason I'm writing this is the smaller warning that I found on the > box, just below the CHOKING HAZARD! label: > > "Warning! Contains inedible, plastic baby!" > > Which means, of course, that somewhere out there somebody's been > baking King Cakes with EDIBLE, REAL BABIES!! Aiiieeeee!! > > And that's my story. [CURTAIN] The "edible, real baby" ingredient might not be in delicious Joker-colored King Cakes. It might be in some other product. A product they might sell at your local supermarket, if it's anything like the Prudential Star, which it is, except for having a World Trade Center-style skyscraper tower pushing it down into the ground so that the produce department develops large cracks as the supermarket bends. At the Prudential Star, I saw prepared sushi trays where the first ingredient on the list was: "tasteless smoked tuna" I did a bunch of research and found out that this is food science's secret internal euphemism for "this tuna had a weird color, so we put it in a cab with a potato in the exhaust pipe until exposure to carbon monoxide bleached the tuna to not look rancid" -- it's just tuna plus carbon monoxide. In the exact words one foodologist used to describe this technical process for selling people bad tuna, pumping in carbon monoxide is done "to obscure changes in quality". So I have a suspicion that somewhere, someone is baking something which contains both "inedible plastic baby" and "tasteless smoked tuna", as well as perhaps "inedible smoked tuna" and "tasteless real baby". The tasteless baby would, of course, grow up to be the inventor of many supermarket deli items. This market has at least four different signs which say "WARNING: SUSHI PRODUCTS MAY CONTAIN RAW FISH" on the two-foot-wide sushi display. Right in front of the "chicken lobsters". Sometimes shopping for groceries is less fun than I make it seem. I keep dreading the inevitable day they will combine all the departments into "WARNING: CHICKEN LOBSTERS MAY CONTAIN RAW FISH AND BABIES BUT NOT CHICKEN OR LOBSTER." Seriously, the best euphemism the seafood industry could come up with was "tasteless smoked tuna". This seems like about the worst possible way you could describe any gourmet food item, with only "bad-tasting smoked tuna" below it on the list. And the best part was that these were catchall labels put on all the sushi, even though none of the products on display contained tuna (or at least the [ ] TASTELESS SMOKED TUNA box wasn't checked for any of them.) I dislike ingredients lists that offer multiple choices because they can lead to the food packagers forgetting what's in their own products, as well as the supermarket guys saying, "Hey, if we accidentally check some extra boxes with this magic marker, we'll have twice as much fish to sell!" -- K. "There, now this contains TWO kinds of fish, not just scrod!" ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 23:24:45 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Cube. (Revised with more lemony kontext) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [stuff about wacky mall stores, including Build-A-Bear and the > > Sears tool department] > > > > Neither store was fun, but if they combined them into > > "Rivet-A-Bear Workshop", that might be good. > > no, the store would be RIVET-A-ROBOT! > > build your own wacky robot, right in the comfort of your own mall! > perhaps it can be a bear-shaped robot! ROBEAR BERBILS! which are > entirely unlike robear bear'uns, which tend to amass all the honey > in the universe! > > at this point, I will refrain from describing the robear bear'uns > as being piratical or being chased by bees, because this would > cause a meme overload. All's I know is that the "Robear Berbils" store is too close to "Rubber Gerbils", and you might be infringing on their trademark, assuming there is such a store. But it seems like an oddly specific sort of cat toy, even if you define "rubber" to include latex, neoprene, and silicone and "gerbil" to include gerbils and jerboas. I was just at my local K-Mart, which is still having their going-out- of-business-because-we-suck sale, and they sure do have plenty of stuff left (usually when a chain store closes a particular location, most of the merchandise is moved to other stores except for the 10% they don't think would be worth moving, and apparently at this K-Mart nothing was worth moving.) One of the items was a large black teddy bear with a red/white/blue September 11th ribbon crudely glued to its chest. The bear said something like "American Pride" (don't ask where it was manufactured.) I almost bought it, because I sincerely believed that if Osama bin Laden broke into my apartment I could hold up this bear to keep him away, but then I remembered I was only in K-Mart because I hate it, and I left, but not until I was given a free stainless steel knife (it doesn't have a ribbon on it, so it's probably not as good as the bear for defending my country.) Yeah, my K-Mart is so desperate to get people to paw through the remnants of their lousy store that they're letting the "As Seen On TV" lady make speeches and give knives to all the shoppers (in this neighborhood, BAD IDEA.) -- K. "And remember, this knife will never wear out! And if you buy it, we'll give you two identical extra ones for free, but there's no reason you need three because this knife will never wear out! In fact, now that we've given you the little sample knife which will never wear out, you'd have to be a real idiot to buy more of these, unless you realize that I'm a liar and they will wear out! Which they won't because I'm not a liar, YOU'RE AN IDIOT!" ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 23:25:24 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Me and my wire. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > hi, kibo! welcome to usenet! Already I'm hating this. How do I unsubscribe? Is there a severe penalty for early withdrawal? > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Short shameful confession: > > > > I mail-ordered a big coil of wire. It came wrapped up as a flat circular > > package three feet in diameter. I had it sent to my office because this > > is the sort of thing my apartment's mailroom could have lost, given that > > it was only three feet across. > > so, are we to understand that you plan on building a robot in your > livingroom? and it is the kind of robot that can only be activated > by gigawatts of electricity shooting down from the skies and into > your delorean, where the robot will turn into a beautiful woman, as > robots often do? > > please tell me you don't plan on wearing a bra on your head whilst > mouthing the words "now I know what it's like to be god!" I will not admit whether or not I am building Lazlo, The Death Robot in my living room, although I can say it will not have a round shield. > > [...] > > > > My one regret in life is that I said "No, it's my cool new belt buckle" > > and did not think of yelling "HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF INDULGING IN > > HOPLOMACHIAN ACTIVITY?" until I was already out the door. So now I > > will never get to use the word "hoplomachian" in a sentence. > > you are still allowed to wear an enormous white cowboy hat, however. > > WHAT IS IT WITH YOUR RECENT OBSESSION WITH SILENT MOVIES? Mo... vies? Is that a kind of candy? And is there another kind which isn't silent? I KNOW NOT OF THESE MO THINGS OF WHICH YOU SPEAK AND I AM NOT SILENT! -- K. Now we have movies and in the olden days they just had mosaics. So when they invent smellovision and we keep saying "let's go to the smellies!" does that mean that in Pompeii somewhere there would have been smellsaics, where the distribution of the body odor of a hoplomachus would have been simulated by hundreds of bits of different smelly things glued to a wall? That's just stupid! ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 23:26:14 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mr. Rogers memories Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Sean (linwood@mailandnews.com) wrote: > > Related Mr. Rogers notes, just for the helluva it: > *Around 1980 or so, PBS gave him a chance to do a talk show aimed at > adults, called "Fred Rogers and Friends." It was, to put it kindly, not > the best format for him -- watching him use virtually the same manner > and speaking voice to talk with artistes and celebrities was, well, > rather amusing. Are you saying I shouldn't have my own talk show? That's a mean thing for you to say. But I can pretend I have my own talk show anyway, because it's fun to pretend. Now let's pretend I'm interviewing Anson Williams, and I am pretending he's Potsie, and he's pretending to be mad about that, so he's going to pretend to pound some clay. And because you'll never go down the drain because you're bigger than your telescope, I'm going to build a telescope twice the size of Anson Williams so that I can flush him. Pretending is fun! > The capper was his interview with Anthony Perkins, who > talked about his bouts with depression, suicidal feelings, etc., while > Mr. Rogers nodded sympathetically, then said something along the lines > of "You must have some bad feelings about yourself." Especially if this was right after he'd been in that dumb-ass Disney sci-fi movie where he got killed by the robot with propellers for hands, before the big swirly toilet flush thing made the bouncy red rubber ball chase people down the corridors while the robot quoted Oscar Wilde and nobody noticed the giant strings holding most of the characters up. Something I recently noticed in that movie: For the scene where they have dinner with Captain Nemo (Maximillian Schell) in that elegant dining room at the top of the tower, the dining room is this saucer- shaped thing atop a tower made entirely of scaffolding... there's no elevator, no stairs, not even that silly loop-the-loop rollercoaster that ostensibly connects different parts of the ship. So how do they get into the dining room? My theory is that they wished really hard. Later in the movie, when the ship is falling apart, you actually see them climbing up the side of this scaffolding. In the vacuum of outer space. Moments after a scene in which they fight really hard to keep from getting sucked out into the freezing void (in the greenhouse), there's an abrupt edit, and they're all climbing up the outside of the ship quite happily. Also, I'm unclear whether the robot who keeps quoting Oscar Wilde in Roddy McDowall's voice is completely string-powered, or whether he draws power from his own inner source of Ultimate Gayness. (It's the most potent force in the Universe, which is why it also powers the "Knight Rider" car, Dr. Theophilus, HAL 9000, and why the old-fashioned chimp like robots of "Silent Running" and "Battlestar Galactica" are no longer common. Of course, science is working to find a way to combine all world knowledge to build an even more powerful robot powered by a gay chimp, but they're still having trouble teaching the chimps to talk so they can ask them which are the gay ones.) -- K. Now, if Tony Perkins had a kids' show, that would come straight from the Obvious Bag, where his neighbors would be his "mother" and some hand puppets made from taxidermied birds. But instead of the Bernard Herrmann music, it would just be Joe Raposo on a kazoo. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 23:44:24 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: confession Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology "Lleah" (leahverre@attbi.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I like the fact that all kinds of people waft through a.r.k. and some stay a > long time and some don't, and some wander. I like that sometimes the > conversations are silly, like one of the first posts I ever read, and I like > how sometimes it just degenerates into choruses of "HAW HAW!" or "PLORK!" > and I like how even sometimes it just gets bitchy, like a bunch of people > stuck in a log cabin in the middle of Ketchikan, surviving off of canned > asparagus and graham crackers for nine months, and the asparagus is bulging > and the graham crackers are all broken. ...and the poster of Fat Freddy's Cat has started falling apart, and then turned into a Garfield poster, and then before you know it we realize we're still living in ancient Rome and all of history was an illusion, especially the part about there being posters of Fat Freddy's Cat. I actually ran into someone (well, walked past someone) on the street last week who had Phil Dick's exact paranoid-schizophrenic delusion -- he was talking to himself loudly about how reality was an illusion and we were still living in ancient Rome. I did not try to pester him, mainly because I had left my helmet at home under some books because I was trying to straighten out a bend in the big scrub brush. > So the other day Kibo said he'd come back and post some more. I think he's > been busy. I know I've been busy and this is why I've been gone and also > out of touch with everyone in the known universe for so long! Then how do you know I was gone? Which I wan't. I was just posting under my secret other name, which was in either Ancient Roman Language or Something I Think Is Demotic Greek, such as "Valis", "Ubik", or "Fat Freddy". But I won't tell you what my Secret Other Name was since then I'd just have to translate it into English. > Cuz right now? Right after I finish this post? I'm going to rip apart > my office! YAY! I'm going to take all the crap out of the room, > remove the rug, paint it, and redecorate it just like those people on > Changing Rooms, only without the froofy clothing. Yes, my friends > are more important than my office, but this is where my o.c.d. comes > in to play, and until I get this project finished, I am a communication > loser. I cleaned one of my rooms recently so that the electrician could get in to service the air conditioner. Took a while but I eventually found at least half of the floor. > See how I've turned this whole post around to be about me? See how I did > that? I'm so fuckin good at that, man, I totally rule. No, Julius Caesar rules. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE DELUSION!!! Everyone else is doing it these days. Here in this modern year ZERO!!! I know it's the year zero because the newspaper's comic page had to stop printing "B.C." last year. I know they SAID it was because it wasn't funny, but if that were the case, the newspaper's comic page could be reduced to two and a half strips. So they just cancelled "B.C." because it's Year Zero now. This is why Julius Caesar has just changed his name to Emperor Zero so that he can give all of Rome freezer burn. -- K. I recently saw a "Flintstones" episode which had a Time Tunnel in it, where they got sent into the distant future (ancient Rome, Christopher Columbus, the World's Fair in Queens, etc.) with a different continuity problem in every time zone. For instance, the Flintstones had cars and movies, but Columbus didn't, even though he said "I'ma gonna discovera America," which means he had already read about himself in some history book which recorded that the new continent would later be named America even though the book failed to mention that he could have travelled there via a more convenient mode of transportation invented by cavemen, such as a jet plane, or a time machine. This proves that history is a sham! Also they forgot to show what sort of crabby bird was powering the time machine. Double sham! ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 28 Feb 2003 00:36:53 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Announcement, Includes Bitterness Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > As I used to say about Matt & Samantha's Anne Geddes picture before > > I yanked it off their bathroom wall, "BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BABIES ON > > THE BOTTOM?" > > In my defense I have to say that IT CAME WITH THE HOUSE!!!! Then it was okay that all the babies on the bottom were crushed. > (We hadn't bothered to take it down because Sam's mother loves that > Anne Geddes stuff, and we were going to give it to her. But she > never took it.) If you just borrow a baby for a while, I can take a nice photo of the kid and draw devil horns or other Anne Geddes stuff on the picture, and then everyone will be happy, except for the baby. The apartment I had in 1991 (when a.r.k started) came with a tinted black and white print of a drawing of a nun (decoupaged to a little plaque) hanging in one of the closets. My next three apartments didn't come with any free stuff. I'm hoping the next one will come with a full-color nun photo or 3-D naughty nurse interactive DVD or something else good like that. -- K. What's a 21-letter word meaning "gummikrankenschwester"? ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 28 Feb 2003 00:49:18 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The War! I am mentioning... The War! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Eddie '/Hi There!'/ Lowther (edlohi@netscape.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > WHOOPS! I JUST LEAKED THAT I WAS GOING TO CANADA! Great, now the whole > > Also, what should I visit in the Ottawa/Hull area? > > Alert! Eccentric American to purchase > Ottawa Senator's Baskethockey team! Hey, you're making an assumption! I COULD be purchasing the 67s or the Olympiques if I hadn't said I wanted someone to buy me the Ottawa Senators! But nobody did so now I have to go do it myself. And with the amount I'm spending to sit in Section 107, I suspect that I will be single-handedly saving the team from the bankruptcy it sort of almost had last month. This is why I want the nuclear war to start while I'm inside the Diefenbunker, because if it started during the Senators game I would be upset at them sending out Spartacat to break the news that the world had been destroyed. > > [...] Fruit-O-Long. > > Oh, and get some of them Tim Bits, okay eh? I have had Krispy Kremes and White Castles in the same day for the ultimate eating experience here in the United States Of Fast Food. I think the only way to top that in Canada would be to get takeout at a KFC in Ottawa, walk across the bridge, and carry it into a PFK in Hull to make the francophones send for the language police when they see that the little cartoon Colonel Sanders on the bag isn't speaking French. I got a head start today when I ate some Chef Boyardee Beefaroni that were only legal for sale in Canada, not the United States, at my local 7-Eleven. Now they not only have bilingual English/Spanish Pringles but also a full line of Chef Boyardee cans with French on the back. Apparently when the Canadian Ministry Of Food deports icky stale Beefaroni from Canada, it goes to my local 7-Eleven. I also looked through the fishing tackle at the local K-Mart (the one that's going out of business) and they had half a packet (it was ripped) of little dried fish (marked for use as bait only, not for people or pets) which said the dead fish were CANADIAN STYLE. How does one kill a fish Canadian style? Do you trample it with a moose? -- K. Animals I hope to see Mounties riding while I'm in Canada: moose, reindeer, caribou, capricorn, and Choubidou. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 28 Feb 2003 02:37:28 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: more more more Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Two weeks ago (it took me a while to comprehend writing of this complexity), Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote in sci.physics: > > Bill Vajk wants to know about the battery. He is a slime battery. A slime > battery runs on slime. The slime creates slime electricity. The slime > electricity runs around through the slime getting the slime to create more > slime. The little slime keeps creating more slime. Even the little slime > can not stand it. It is torture. At the end God kills the little slime. > Bad angels who are slimey all over take the little slime to hell. The > little slime ends up covered with slime from the bad angels. The little > slime says I would like to know how I can get all this slime off me. It is > not extremely important because the little slime if full of slime. As the > little slime slimes around hell it will some times slip on slime and fall > down. On the ground there is more slime. The little slime gets covered > more with slime. That is not extremely important because the slime on the > ground of hell slimes up the little slime covering the it with slime. The > slime goes through the mouth of the little slime flooding it with more > slime. The slime battery keeps going forever. You know, some day, Kurt is going to be slightly embarassed when he realizes he's been misspelling "limes". Sort of changes the whole effect of that paragraph about making batteries out of limes with copper and zinc nails stuck into them. This will delay popular acceptance of the lime-powered electric car, and the environment will be destroyed forever, unless we can get the public to embrace the power of citrus. > I do not read articles of these physics groups. But using google groups I > can see names of articles and names of people who wrote articles. It looks > like a lot of slime slimed away. I guess they got tired of talking to > slimes. It looks like a lot of new slimes have slimed to these groups. I > guess it will not take a long time until they slime away and more slime > slime to these groups. AND THESE KIDS TODAY WITH THEIR ROCK'N'ROLL LYRICS THAT ARE SO REPETITIVE! > This is what confuses me. Most people do not ever learn. Yeah, most people use the word "slime" the same number of times per year their entire life. But with special people, it's different. Know how you can tell how old a tree is by slicing it in half and counting the rings? Well, with Kurt, you can tell how old he is by counting the percentage of "slime" in his slimy slime slime rants. When Kurt is 99, 99% of the words will be "slime", and then two years later whoa mama. > The slimes are hurting themselves. They could be doing good things and > having fun instead of talking to slimes. It is probably true most slime do > not read articles of most slime. It is probably true a slime gets about 30 > people to read their articles and most of them are slime. Any ideit who > reads this junk is about as much of an ideit as an ideit can get. > > Girls and boys who are good are not suppose to write articles for these > physics groups most of the time. God will tend to send punishment to any > person associated with these physics groups. God will punish people > connected to bad people. I do not read articles of these physics groups > and I try to use power from God to create a curse against any person who > writes articles for these groups. Kurt, I am sensing... anger. Also either self-destructiveness or extreme, extreme stupidity. Or are you trying to get out of this on some technicality like you're not actually "writing", you're "typing"? If so, that would make you Truman Capote, except for all the slime stuff. > If people want to change these groups they probably can. Do not talk to > any person who insults people not having a good reason. Do not read their > articles. Change the people who run the faqy. They are dishonest. Change > the people who run sci physics research. Most of the are associated with > the faqy. They are all dishonest. > > If people do not make changes these physics groups will probably stay like > they are now. These physics groups are like they were 1 year ago. It's too bad you ran out of the word "slime" before the last two sentences. Please try to end your next rant two sentences sooner to maintain an even slime distribution. Thank slime you. -- K. But what's your take on Slurm? ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 28 Feb 2003 02:43:27 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: more more more Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Way back on February 9, in sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Whe o whe the good path was lost. > > When people are dishonest they go on a bad path. They probably can not > ever go back to the path before the bad path. Most of the time punishment > from God changes the life of a person forever. They can not go back like > it was before. > > It is probably true when God creates a curse most of the time people can > not go back like it was before. > > A person needs to do their small part fighting dishonest people or they are > guilty. > > Do not kiss any person who has bodies of animals between their teeth. Dear Kurt, please forgive the lateness of my reply, assuming you even know what year it is, and that this is a reply, and that your name is Kurt. What if the person has lost all their teeth and has only been gumming animals? That should be okay with everyone. > May be some times it is ok to make a mistake. Use the mistake. About 4 > months ago a cute girl who I did not know was at a bar having fun before > getting married. She came up to me and said some thing like - do you want > to bite some thing. I thought she said her neck. I said you want me to > bite your neck. She said do you want to bite candy around my neck. I made > a mistake. But I used my mistake. I started talking to her about me > biting her neck. Because of what she was saying I think it was ok if I bit > her neck. I ate candy from around her neck. I had a lot of fun talking to > the girl because of my mistake. Mistakes are some times good may be. > It is probably good if people fix their mistakes. I used to observe that Archimedes Plutonium was one of the few people who talks about candy more than I do. However, both of our obsessions with sweet tasty candy pale in comparison to yours, Kurt, a.k.a... The Candy Vampire. -- K. KURT, GET AWAY FROM THOSE OOMPA-LOOMPAS! THEY'RE UNCLEAN! ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 28 Feb 2003 19:15:54 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: confession Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > I cleaned one of my rooms recently so that the electrician could get > > in to service the air conditioner. Took a while but I eventually > > found at least half of the floor. > > Kibo's so behind he's not even in the same season the rest of the > Northern Hemisphere is! He's still in summertime, which explains a lot, > actually. It would make more sense if he was experiencing summertime in > ancient Rome, however, but I don't think he'll 'fess up to that. They like to change the filters before they do the switchover to summer. We're currently in the period where the blowers aren't putting out hot air (because the ourdoor temperature has more than one digit) but they're not going to be blowing cool air until about July 47th, because landlords are cheapskates. I just found out that next week Ottawa will be having a much-colder-than- average beginning of March, where it will get down to -17 F (-27 C) on Monday night. That may be unpleasant, unless the city is still warm from the nuclear war which I'm hoping will start while I'm in the Diefenbunker. Why WOULD anyone want to nuke Ottawa, anyway? Are people still upset over the drunken Senators kicking the Stanley Cup into the canal back in 1905? Or did they just build the bunker so that they could have some sort of tourist attraction in Carp? -- K. Fish that things should not be named after: carp, crappies, and tasteless smoked tuna. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 28 Feb 2003 19:18:31 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Announcement, Includes Bitterness Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Jacob W. Haller (spog@jwgh.org) wrote: > > Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Because Kibo doesn't visit the lovely Midwest, you know. It's the scenic > > home of twine and cows. What's not to love? It's terrif! > > I think Kibo should go to the Iowa State Fair. Once I spent almost a whole week in Minneapolis/St. Paul, and ate at at least three different White Castles, but only found evidence of two muggings at the stupid lame Mall Of America. But then a few months later I went up to beautiful Edmonton where I did not find any discarded wallets anywhere in the world's largest parking lot of the West Edmonton Mall, and best of all, I got to go to Klondike Days, which was every bit as cheesy as the Altamont Fair I used to visit when I was growing up in Schenectady, except that it had two or three Canadian army tanks instead of two or three U.S. National Guard tanks that you could look at and/or gently touch as long as you didn't accidentally fire any shells towards the American border, which the tanks were facing, although they were pretty far north of it. I looked at the displays of prize-winning triticale seeds under glass, and the pens where the live bunnies were, and there was a nice diorama illustrating the history of Edmonton's electric bus network. Plus they had a plain old casino on the fairgrounds in case the midway games weren't a big enough ripoff. I wasn't all that excited about Klondike Days, but I wanted to be there that particular weekend because one of the Klondike Days is one of the only two times a year they turn on North America's tallest waterfall. The other day they run it is on Canada Day, but I didn't want to be there after even more mosquitoes had hatched -- there were millions of enormous ones eating me alive in the spring during Klondike Days, especially as I picked a hotel that was out in the swampy flatlands, and of course if I really wanted to go somewhere on Canada Day I could go to plenty of other places where people would get drunk and go insane. Because of the cold snap that will be devastating Ottawa while I'm there next week, I figure people will be really, really, really drunk. Especially at the hockey games, where the weather is so cold that they'll actually have to warm up the ice for best results (hockey is supposed to have ice around -7 C, the ambient temperature will be ten to fifteen degrees below that.) So if I don't come back, you can assume that either I was mugged by fur trappers for my fuzzy fleece overpants, or else I just got so drunk I forgot what country I was from. Maybe that's why the woman at the photo shop across the street from Boston's passport office asked whether I wanted the photo for an _American_ passport. She thought I was Canadian and therefore so drunk I accidentally drove 300 miles to the wrong country to apply for my bright red passport with pages made from dried maple leaves bound in sealskin. Next time I get one of those photos taken (in ten years) I'll try to remember to hold up a can of Molson just to really confuse her. Better yet, a can of Foster's. And a handful of Space Food Sticks. And not the kind of Space Food Sticks they had thirty years ago. The kind they'll have a million years from now! The difference is that they'll come in a box that can shoot lasers to open your other box of Space Food Sticks, so you'll have to buy them in pairs if you want to open them, which you won't. -- K. Handy tip: You can make your own Space Food Sticks by following the recipe for homemade Tootsie Rolls, except make them softer and grosser by blending in some of that runny peanut butter from the third quadrant of a Necco SkyBar. Or, if you have that delusion that we're living in ancient Rome, just soak a Tootsie Roll in liquamen. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 28 Feb 2003 19:18:41 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A question about TV weather forecasters Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Sean (linwood@mailandnews.com) wrote: > > Subject: A question about TV weather forecasters > > Or "meteorologists," for those who are appropriately credentialed. Yeah, it's so hard to pay the dues to join the American Meteorological Society. Even though it's not one of those really tough professions that requires a license from the government, like hair-braiding or palmistry. (If the weatherologists were smart, they'd be making the big bucks telling people's futures.) Seriously, should Lloyd Lindsay Young and Al Kaprielian be telling you when you're going to die from looking at your hand? Of course, you'd get a better value for your money with Al, because the psychic reading would last twice as long, because he'd pronounce it "You're goiiiiiiiiiiing to DIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE NIIIIIIIIICE LAAAAAAAAAAADY SHEMELMEHAYYYYYYYY GLAAAAAAAAAVIIIIIIIIIIN DOUBLE OOOOMEGAAAAAAAA IT'S PHAAAAAAAAAAASING!!!!!!!!!" > If a couple of weather forecasters from competing TV stations were to > meet at a bar or some kind of social event, and there was alcohol > involved, do you think they would start fighting with one another? > > Forecaster #1: Hey, _nice_ forecast last weekend, asswipe. "We could > see 4-6 inches of snow by morning" -- and instead it's sunny and almost > 50. What the hell do you use to create your storm simulation models, > LiteBrite? > Forecaster #2: Shaddup, punk. Everyone knows you couldn't track a > low-pressure system if it came into your living room and sat down on > your couch. > Forecaster #1: Yeah? At least I can _read_ my meteorological > instruments. The only way you know how to tell if the temperature's > below freezing is to have your intern piss out the window and then wait > to see if it turns to ice. > Forecaster #1: Well, I slept with your wife! > > Then they'd start punching each other and wrestling around on the floor. > And then Edward R. Murrow would descend from Heaven and berate them for > betraying their journalistic mission, and they would have no idea who he > was. And then a huge tornado would come out of nowhere and rip their > clothes off. Now I need a lobotomy to get the image of naked Marty Angstrom out of my brain. I'll send you the bill. > Sean ("I know it's a disturbing vision, but it's all I got") Lasnayemere LAAAAASNAYEMEEEEEEEEEERE!!!! IT'S A TWIPLE OOOOOOOOOOOMEGAAAAAAAAAAAA OF HIGH PWESSURE OVER SCHENECTADYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!! -- K. And that's the last time I can ever do that. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 28 Feb 2003 19:41:18 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: more more more Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology [concerning Kurt Stocklmeir's slime-based death chants] David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Kurt, [...] are you trying to get out of this on some > > technicality like you're not actually "writing", you're "typing"? > > If so, that would make you Truman Capote, except for all the slime stuff. > > EVERY TIME A MEME RINGS > AN ANGEL GETS CONFUSED > RING RING THE BANJO > DO WE WANT FRIES WITH THIS? > > BURMA SHAVE "Is Burma Shave thick and slimey enough to support this sexy swimsuit model?" *BLORP* ...and one more person is killed just to make a TV commercial, just another case of snuff masquerading as gunge. Speaking of slime, I just threw out some things that had been in my fridge since the previous millennium. I'm glad it was cold in there! -- K. Given enough time, carrots can get real small! ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 28 Feb 2003 19:53:26 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Children terrified by giant durian. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Jonathan Benney (jdb@student.unimelb.edu.au) wrote: > > Taiwanese children cower in fear under a giant megalomaniac durian: > > http://www.student.unimelb.edu.au/~julienpb/durian.jpg That is a truly wacky yet frightening yet silly yet terrifying yet weird image. And... oh wow, I just realized it's a toilet seat lid. I wonder what's painted on the underside of the lid. Anyone care to volunteer to translate the caption? It's got teeny tiny furigana (Japense phonetic spellings for children who can't read the big words) so obviously the message must be really important if they wanted to ensure that kids could read it. It's not one of those adults-only giant durian jokes. I'm guessing it says something like "Dear kids, if you leave the toilet lid up, Mr. Durian will come out and murder you in your sleep. Sincerely, Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Gahan Wilson." -- K. That photo is just one of the many things that are not right about Japan. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 28 Feb 2003 19:58:45 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Children terrified by giant durian. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Peter S. Housel (housel@cox.net) wrote: > > Jonathan Benney (jdb@student.unimelb.edu.au) writes: > > > > Taiwanese children cower in fear under a giant megalomaniac durian: > > > > http://www.student.unimelb.edu.au/~julienpb/durian.jpg > > The text below the picture says "The name 'King of Fruits' surely is > no exaggeration!". Durian is often called the king of fruit in > Taiwan, though certainly a large fraction of the populace do cower in > fear before it. So if it's a Taiwanese toilet seat, why does it have tiny Japanese writing on it? Is it a multilingual durian potty? Excuse me, I just realized I said "multilingual durian potty". Now I have to remove it from my list of the eight things I've never said. -- K. The others include "janitor in a flute", "Regis Philbin's cloud of mass electrolysis", and "yummy durian". ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 28 Feb 2003 20:07:38 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: confession Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Brian 'Jarai' Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I cleaned one of my rooms recently so that the electrician could get > > > in to service the air conditioner. Took a while but I eventually > > > found at least half of the floor. > > > > Kibo's so behind he's not even in the same season the rest of the > > Northern Hemisphere is! He's still in summertime, which explains a lot, > > actually. It would make more sense if he was experiencing summertime in > > ancient Rome, however, but I don't think he'll 'fess up to that. > > Kibo is the only person in the world whose real life suffers from > continuity problems. This is one of his special powers. The continuity problems with real life are merely signs that reality is all fake, and we're actually not really here, we're in ancient Rome, and it's time to jump up and down on Vedius Pollio's glasses if he's going to show us his aquarium anyway. See? Now it all makes perfect sense! -- K. (I really hope that guy I saw who thought Romans were persecuting him wanders into a.r.k. Because I'm tired of persecuting Kurt Stocklmeir.) ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 28 Feb 2003 21:06:40 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Children terrified by giant durian. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Peter S. Housel (housel@cox.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So if it's a Taiwanese toilet seat, why does it have tiny Japanese > > writing on it? Is it a multilingual durian potty? > > It's not tiny Japanese writing, it's tiny bopomofo, the Chinese > pedagogical equivalent of hiragana. Oh. But I stand by my assertion that this toilet seat is one of the many things that are not right about Japan. Because if anyone _should_ have made a potty seat with a cartoon durian on it, it _should_ have been Japan. Nobody should, but if anyone should, it should be Japan, and they didn't, so they lose brownie points for not making the thing they shouldn't have made. Taiwan, on the other hand, it's okay for them to do incomprehensible things because I think most of their consumer goods are designed by random number generators. "This week, the toilet seats will have a picture of... a unicorn... eating... an umbrella!" With Japan, when they do something like that, you get the idea that they thought about it really hard before they decided that a scary cartoon durian would be the coolest thing ever. But I should have known the cartoon durian couldn't be Japanese, because it doesn't have zero-gravity breasts. -- K. Also, looking at it didn't even give me a single seizure. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 01 Mar 2003 00:21:03 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Apparently Canada is afraid of meat now... Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology And I always thought Canadians ate nothing but meat (in pie, stew, and smoked sandwich form.) But, while doing Web research on what I could or could not pack in my carry-on, I found this on gocanada.about.com: -> How Big Is Your Sausage... -> and where are you hiding it? -> -> If you want to smuggle a sausage into Canada, be aware that Canada Customs -> agents are well aware of all the usual, and some of the unusual, hiding -> places. Canada Customs agents are primarily trained to be on the lookout -> for people trying to enter Canada illegally, or smuggle drugs into the -> country. Beyond these somewhat obvious chores, they are also ensuring the -> safety of the Canadian food supply, by limiting the entry of "...fruits, -> vegetables, meat, eggs, dairy products, animals, birds, insects, plant -> parts, soil, living organisms and vaccines..." But people are meat! Except for the ones that are vegetables. And they're all living organisms! What, has Canada been taken over by robots who won't allow anything more organic than a Tetris brick to slide into Canada? -> Many visitors, and citizens returning from outside the country, -> try to sneak their favourite sausage past Canada Customs to -> avoid loosing their treasure. "Stand back, he's loosing his sausage!" yelled Dudley Do-Right as he hid behind a beaver. -> At Toronto's Pearson Airport, the Customs agents have seen it all. -> One man apparently had an inflated opinion of himself by hiding a -> salami sausage in his pants, and a rather busty-looking woman caught -> the attention of one of the 'sniffer' dogs when she stuffed her bra -> with sausages before proceeding through customs. So the guy in Toronto who insisted on looking through each of my camera lenses last year was just making sure that they were made out of glass and not translucent cotto salami from Trader Joe's? -> Hiding food in luggage is easier to pass off as ignorance when caught, -> although it would have been difficult or embarrassing to explain why a -> person would transport sausage in their underwear. The 'sniffer' dogs are -> well trained to react to the smell of sausage, cheese and other contraband -> foods whether it is in luggage, underwear, or in the loose sleeves of a -> shirt with tight cuffs. Sure, in the United States, they hassle everyone because they think they might be carrying nuclear weapons around with them. But in Canada, they worry about the important things. Like baloney. Hey, is jerky still legal in Canada? Or was it banned at the same time that they declared Slim Jims to be a crime against humanity? Is the reason corn dogs (aka "Pogos") are so popular in Canada because they have that impermeable, flavorless Styrofoam coating so that people can surrepetitiously sneak such past the sinister sausage-sniffing smellhounds? Incidentally, a reminder: Those of you living in or near Ottawa and/or Hull should send me mail in case I happen to have a spare ticket to a hockey game or two next week. Unless you don't like hockey, in which case you're living in the wrong country. Move somewhere where they don't have sports, like Maine! -- K. What about bacon? Is bacon legal? Can I take American bacon into Canada if I exchange it for the circular kind before I eat it? And what about Beggin' Strips? Do highly-trained Canadian dogs know it's not bacon? Or would they just be confused because Beggin' Strips aren't round? And will Ottawa's Chinatown have Canadian Chinese Bacon or Chinese Canadian Bacon? CANADA IS CONFUSING FOR THOSE OF US WHO ONLY THINK ABOUT BACON!