From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: BEEF FOR GIRLS! BEEF FOR GIRLS! It's time for BEEF FOR GIRLS! Date: Sat, 15 Mar 2003 01:42:11 -0500 X-Moral: Boys like girls who have bodies of dead animals between their teeth. A rotten.com citation pointed me to a startribune.com article about this exciting propaganda site: http://cool-2b-real.com Because the whole point of Usenet is to avoid having to go use the Web, I'll quote the relevant parts of the site for you: -> Cool-2B-Real is about real girls like you! Whether you're in school, -> playing sports or just having fun, strive to be the best you can be! -> Real girls are "keepin' it real" by building strong bodies and -> strong minds... and they're feeling great about themselves! Cool! That's, like, so really real and stuff! I want 2B K00L 2! -> Funded by America's Beef Producers(sm) And wow! They must be so totally cool to the max! I'll just click on "Keeping It Real"... -> Cook up some fun with your friends! Real Girls gotta eat! -> Great ideas for after-school snacks, sleepover parties, or -> just plain fun with friends. Tee-hee! I love just plain fun! -> Busy "real girls" need smart food choices for nutrition-on-the-run. Here -> are a few quick, easy and tasty combos - guaranteed to give an energy -> boost for rollerblading, homework, music lessons, dance classes - and -> everything else you love to do: -> -> * A tortilla wrap with slices of lean roast beef and Swiss cheese -> * A barbeque beef sandwich on a roll, an apple or fresh juice -> * A bowl of chili with cornbread muffin and water and pepper strips -> * A taco salad with strips of lean beef and an orange -> * An English muffin pizza with ground beef crumbles and melted cheese Those snack recipes are so radical! I never realized I should stuff my face with beef to be popular while enjoying music lessons, square dance classes, and roller boogieing! Goshers! And to prove it's always right, the site even shows "Cool comments from 'real' girls!" with an exclamation point and quote marks around "real" to make it realer! -> "My best friend Danelle. She is a 'real' girl. She always -> sticks up for herself and does not let anyone make her decisions -> and is serious and nice." OHMIGAWD that's just like me I also do not let anyone make my own decisions for me ever since I read that America's Beef Producers(sm) told me not to! It's triple-awesome that they're thinking just like me only before me! DANELLE I LUV U AND BEEF 4-EVA!! I GIVE BEEF LOTS OF HEARTS AND EXES AND OHS!! -> Variety Always Wins -> -> Girls need 40+ nutrients every day - to grow, move and have fun. No one -> food contains all nutrients. That's why eating a wide variety of foods is -> smart thinking. Foods like roast beef sandwiches, tacos and beef stew have -> zinc, iron, protein and B vitamins; Stuffed peppers have vitamins (A, C -> and more); and pasta and bagels have high-energy carbohydrates. As energy -> requirements increase, so should protein intake. Chow down! Super! Now I want to chow down too! And there are easy keen-a-riffic recipes for light snacks, like "Beef On Bamboo", which involves one full pound of beef sausage mounted on a little stick! Today I'm going make a pound or two of this happy fun time light snack with my Just Like Mommy Brand Easy-Bake Playtime Fun Oven Junior For Girls but first I need to vote in this week's fun poll! -> What type of beef do you most like to eat with your friends? -> -> ( ) Steak -> ( ) Tacos -> ( ) Burgers -> ( ) Subs I am not sure but one of the four must be my favorite otherwise they wouldn't be allowed to have only four items on this poll! Well I'm going to go spend a few hours thinking about whether I like beef steaks, beef tacos, beef burgers, or beef subs best of all! Ta-ta for now! P.S. It's so neat how this site teaches girls to fart like boys! -- K. Please note that all the stuff I quoted is the intellectual property of these people: -> (c)2003 Cattlemen's Beef Board, -> National Cattlemen's Beef Association -> and Circle 1 Network. ...hey, wait, I thought this was trustworthy unbiased factual science on how all girls should mash raw hamburger into their faces all day, but then I saw that it was written by Circle 1 Network! -> Circle 1 Network specializes in marketing -> to kids and tweens, and marketing to families -> through interactive strategies including -> educational games, games for kids, online -> promotions, edutainment and advergames. -> We publish properties for kids of -> all ages, teens, tweens twits, twerps, twinks, and twaddle-twousered terwilligers. Bye now! I gotta eat another steak to stay healthy so I won't turn fat! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Triumph over tyranny assured Date: Sat, 15 Mar 2003 02:17:08 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And is the "Happy Days" episode about the bathtub full of German > > potato salad ("Sit in it!") evidence that World War I continued > > into the Fake Fifties in the 1970s, because they only referred to > > it as "the vinegar and onion kind"? > > By the way, the latest issue of the bozotic monthly apartment > newsletter ("Resident Update", a publication of Cox Custom Media, > Greenville, South Carolina) tells us that we can boil vinegar on the > stove as an excellent non-toxic deodorizer. HEY EVERYONE JOE MANFRE LIVES IN THE SAME BRAND OF APARTMENT BUILDING AS MEEEEE! I find it amazing that every month Custom Cox can manage to cram more vapidity into just four pages of text even though the goofy floral borders never get bigger or smaller. > I can only assume that Lowercase Robert Lindsay, who has no sense > of smell, developed this idea, with an emphasis on "non-toxic" > rather than "deodorizer". Or maybe Dean Lenort invented it to replace the old-fashioned method of boiling hypergolic rocket fuel on the stove to deodorize the area where your apartment building used to be. You can read all about it in your crater's monthly newsletter, published by Cox Custom Caboom. > Another article in "Resident Update" says that we shouldn't steal our > neighbors' newspapers, but we should secure them somehow if it's a > windy day so they don't blow around and litter the neighborhood. Er, > I mean, we should secure the *newspapers* somehow. Yeah, it's windy in my crappy apartment building too. -- K. My favorite part of "Resident Update" is always the anti-burglary tips, like, always lock your door with a key, and don't leave all your jewelry outdoors. It's written in the same tone of voice as "Highlights For Children" except it's for senile people. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sekrit REVEALED! Date: Sat, 15 Mar 2003 02:31:19 -0500 Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Your mother's such a sweet person, so I don't know why she's teasing > > you about your inability to make soup. > > It actually scares me that Kibo has met my mother. And she served him > home-made pickles which he politely ate. And then... I GOT HEPATITIS FROM A DIRTY PICKLE! > She also thinks he is very handsome and reminds me of this all of the time. It's something about my "M"-shaped hairline that drives women mad! I bet Ronald McDonald wishes he could get his hair to make a perfect "M". -- K. HAIR IS A STUPID THING TO HAVE. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo Goes to Ottawa Date: Sat, 15 Mar 2003 02:54:19 -0500 Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > I told the toque-dorque story to CS Ed and he insisted that "toque" was > spelled "tuke". He came home and immediately went to our 33 RPM of "Bob > and Doug McKenzie - Great White North" to prove it. Turns out CS Ed was > wrong, again, and just flew off the handle for no reason, because he's a > knob. I swear I agonized over that spelling the whole time I was in Canada. I had always heard "toque" in the U.S. (and it's spelled that way on the forehead of the binome who wears one on "reBoot", a Canadian show) but in Canada people pronounce it "tuque" (say "took", not "2Q") such as in that Molson commercial where the American makes fun of the Canadian for 29 seconds and then the Canadian pulls the guy's shirt over his head and punches him in the stomach, but then when I was flying home the newspaper on the plane killed a page by printing the local hockey coach's French cuisine recipe and described him as wearing a "touque blanche" but Google says that most French people spell it "toque blanche" so now I don't know what to believe. That's why I'm glad I didn't buy a toque, just a fur-lined knit hat with ear flaps and two big strings that tie into a bow under my chin unless I accidentally tie them to my mittens first. Also, the article says that the hockey coach's favorite food is beef, which means, according to the "cool-2b-real.com" propaganda site, he's a girl, and therefore he only became a hockey coach by accident because he got it confused with ringette. (If the girl version of hockey is ringette, what's the guy version of foxy boxing?) I still can't believe I went outside in a -47C windchill just to look for spruce beer. I didn't find any, which was probably good, because I understand spruce beer turns into a deadly hemlocksicle at -46C. -- K. I now have no further need for the dead rabbit hat, now that I am back in Boston, which compared to Ottawa is the warmest place on Earth. I'm glad I didn't go to Yellowknife, because Boston would give me third-degree burns. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo Goes to Ottawa Date: Mon, 24 Mar 2003 23:02:06 -0500 Etienne Rouette (erouette@infonet.ca) wrote: > > A while back, Kibo said: > > > > French cuisine recipe and described him as wearing a "touque blanche" > > but Google says that most French people spell it "toque blanche" so > > now I don't know what to believe. > > We actually spell it "tuque" never "touque" or "toque." Toque is some kind > of sticky spherical velcro-like thing that grows on small trees. I think > that's what they first used in the Apollo command module when they thought > the had invented velcro. I remember there used to be a fake Velcro named "Velcroix" which I always assumed was from Quebec. So, when making a tuque, do you use Velcroix to stick a toque to the tuque to get that nice fuzzy pom-pom on top? Also, what's with the people who spell it "pom-pon"? Also, given current political matters in the United States, doesn't anyone else think it's weird that Grey Poupon mustard is still pretending to be French (it's made in Oxnard, California) while French's mustard is sending out press releases to let reporters know it's not French? Also, I think you forgot to inform the Canadian government that I've left Ottawa, because the Ottawa Senators are still winning, and they only won those three games I was at because they heard I was in the audience. You should let them know I can't see them any more so that they can stop trying to play good. Just mention it to the government next time they call you at your home phone number that they confiscated from me. -- K. Tonight Toronto is playing Boston, and I'm a hard time figuring out which team I want to see lose. And unfortunately the NHL rules say that if neither team scores, they both win. Stupid rules. There should be a way they can both lose, or at least be killed by the Zamboni. The Leafs are playing in their retro jerseys with the marijuana leaf, but at least the Bruins aren't wearing their dopey Charlie Brown outfits, so I guess I want the final score to be .01 to 0 in favor of Boston. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: short shameful review: teenagers from outer space Date: Wed, 19 Mar 2003 01:22:00 -0500 Talysman the Ur-Beatle (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > the menu on this dvd was kind of neat, since it was designed to look > like a theater ticket. that inspired me to try out the "special > feature" of this three-movie dvd: they threw in a popeye cartoon! so > I watched popeye as cinderella. it broke my brane, however, because > popeye needed to get a can of spinach that was buried under a pyramid > of cans that looked like this: > > --- > | C | > ___ > --- --- > | C || C | > ___ ___ > --- --- --- > | C || C || C | > ___ ___ ___ > --- --- --- --- > | C || C || C || C | > ___ ___ ___ ___ > --- --- --- --- --- > | C || C || S || C || C | > ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ > ^ > | > spinach > > popeye start grabbing cans off the top and tossing them over his > shoulder, where they immediately restacked themselved into another > pyramid. yes, that's right: ANOTHER PYRAMID OF 15 CANS. somehow, > popeye created another can out of thin air. I'd pay a Prince Edward Island Holey Dollar to see him do that enough times to wreck the economy. I don't know what your "C" cans represent, but I'm assuming it's "Campbell's" because it's giving me horrible flashbacks to "Can-Doo", this product placement disguised as a fun family game I had when I was about seven. It was twenty-one white plastic cans (all of which were flat on the back, for no particular reason) which had to be stacked in a pyramid, and then players would take turns removing cans without knocking over the pile of advertisements, and each can was worth a particular number of points dependent on how delicious that flavor of Campbell's soup was. Plus one of the cans was for some related brand of pork and beans (Van Camp, if memory serves) instead of Campbell's soup, and it threw off what could have been a nice Warholesque composition of the child-stacked pyramid of brainwashing. And yes, it was spelled "Can-Doo" and not "Can-Do". I always used to wonder which of the 20 flavors of Campbell's soup and 1 flavor of Van Camp beans contained the doo. -- K. That beige cube couldn't really be pork. However, spinach really does cause 'roid rage. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: How dumb do they think I am? Date: Wed, 19 Mar 2003 01:49:09 -0500 I know the editors of TV Guide think I'm stupid, because their crossword puzzle doesn't contain any words longer than "OH", but... Today I was at the bookstore and the current TV Guide cover said, in giant letters: YOUR OSCAR ISSUE It took real effort not to yell, "FUCK YOU! I'M NOT DUMB ENOUGH FOR YOU TO FOOL ME! I KNOW I WASN'T EVEN NOMINATED!" (I try not to swear at TV Guide in public.) In the future, how should I handle this? Should I just post the swear to alt.religion.kibology in all caps, or should I clean it up so I could actually yell it in the bookstore? It was one of those hippie bookstores with incense and free wireless Internet access, if that helps. They carry Cinefex but not Goalie's World, and they always have lots of copies of "The Anarchist's Cookbook" but they're behind the counter so you can't see how lame the stuff inside is. -- K. Did you know you can make a neutron bomb by rubbing two red playing cards together, except if it's dark on Tuesday? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How dumb do they think I am? Date: Sat, 22 Mar 2003 20:32:24 -0500 Ted Frank (moe@radix.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (I try not to swear at TV Guide in public.) > > I appreciate that, since I recently spent a week defending depositions > at TV Guide's headquarters in Tulsa. What would TV Guide be doing with lawyers? I think it would go something like this... (harp glissandos and Flexitron waviness) "Your honor, although TV Guide bills itself as a 'General Interest' magazine for grown-ups, I will demonstrate that its crossword puzzles are only easy enough for 199,999,997 of the 200,000,000 adults in this country. The other seven people are demanding a mazillion bazillion trazillion dollars in compensation, to be paid in the form of a talking car that will be their friend. I rest my case, no givebacks." > The offices were a warren of twisty passages, all alike -- except for > the giant reproductions of old issues of TV Guide decorating the wall. > I quickly learned to take a left at Lucille Ball and another left > at Starsky & Hutch to get where I needed to go. What's to the left of Lucille Ball? Nothing but Fidel Castro! HA HA POLITICAL FUNNY!!! I almost worded that "What's left of Lucille Ball?" but then the punchline would have been something about those fiberglas-reinforced straps they used to hold her face together under the wig. > I went exploring in Tulsa and went to an Indian restaurant there, which > was like an Indian restaurant in any other town, except that half the > entrees were beef-oriented, and they appeared to leave out the cumin > and coriander from all the recipes so as not to offend the local palate. Did they use whatever that spice is that makes your pee smell like you ate a carload of asparagus even though you didn't eat any asparagus? I get these little microwavable Indian entrees that claim to be "Meatballs Vindaloo" (but inside the box, the name printed on the plastic wrapper changes to "Meatballs Curry") and these aren't bad for Supermarket Indian food (actually pretty spicy) except that they have that funny pee effect, and Indian food shouldn't have that particular excretory effect, just several others. > I went to a Mexican fast-foodery, and got a burrito that was beef, cheese, > tortilla, and nothing else, not even spice. I once went to an Orange Julius and got an Orange Julius that didn't contain any orange juice or powdered eggshells or Mazola, except now that I think about it it wasn't an Orange Julius stand, it was a newspaper vending machine. No wonder I had to tear it into little strips before I could drink it. -- K. I could've split the difference and gone to Taco Bell: Is it shredded lettuce, or shredded newspaper? Science will never know! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How dumb do they think I am? Date: Sat, 22 Mar 2003 20:29:03 -0500 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > [...] > > I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that said "The Clowns Made Me Do It!" > I didn't realize it was talking about the war, but that makes a lot of > sense. Maybe a bumper sticker that says "The Clowns Made Me Do It!" just means that he was forced to put that bumper sticker on his car because a clown with a gun was giving out bumper stickers. That sentence is one of many which almost but not quite became a "Match Game '76" question when my fingers started to type "a clown with a gun was giving out BLANKs", but I don't think anyone here would be dumb enough to play along with my "Match Game '76" questions, so I avoided typing it that way. Actual question from one of yesterday's reruns of "Match Game" (date unknown): "What's green and covered in fuzz? The jolly green BLANK." The woman said "buzz". Then the buzzer said it, too. And even Brett Somers thought she was a moron. Brett Somers! -- K. Remember the big red buzzing "X" they used to superimpose on people's faces on "Family Feud"? In this case, they should have had a tattooist run onto the stage with a needle and enough red ink to cover her face with an "X" forever. I don't know how they could have made her face make a buzzing noise forever, but I bet Goodson and Todman could have done something with Krazy Glue and bees. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Big Explaining (1 of 3) Date: Wed, 19 Mar 2003 01:52:43 -0500 It's about time I explained myself. A couple years back I tried to make visible some of the hidden threads that connect my articles, and people must have learned a lot because they got really quiet after I posted my explanations, and it's high time I did it again. So I spent some time today going through my recent articles and trying to diagram the difficult concepts. These are excerpts (in chronological order) from about half of the articles I posted in the first two months of 2003 (up to my vacation.) The explanations are clear and lucid, written in a style which attempts to combine a newspaper reporter's "inverted pyramid" with Kurt Vonnegut before he got too old to write anything other than "I'm too old to write anything other than 'I'm too old to write anything.'" There are three parts. You may wish to print them out so you can line them up side by side so that when you draw lines connecting the same words in Part 1 and Part 3 you can see where they intersect Part 2, yielding a diagram which may or may not look like and evil polygon. > Date: Fri, 03 Jan 2003 04:10:13 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Story: Einstein's Medieval Christmas (2002) > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > > [...] > > Fun fact: Right now, on my TV, > Barbara Bain is lying about how > much she loves Captain Kangaroo. Oh, great, it's only my first article of 2003 and already I've found one where I can't remember what the heck I was talking about. I realize that I was watching Barbara Bain in something -- probably some kids' show where Barbara Bain tried to abduct children by telling them she was a close personal friend of Captain Kangaroo and not Gerry Anderson -- but I don't know what it was, and I don't think /var/log on my TiVo goes back to January so now we'll never know unless someone has an old TV Guide lying around. (I probably wasn't watching the show live, it had probably been in the TiVo for a day or two, unless it was that "Diagnosis Murder" episode with her which was in the TiVo for almost a year because I was never quite in the mood to see a show which included both Barbara Bain and Barry Van Dyke.) TiVo is a box that fills up with TV when you're on vacation. Barbara Bain used to be the star of lots of TV reruns. Now she's someone who used to be in reruns. Fun fact: Barbara Bain once beat up Barry Van Dyke's father. > Date: Fri, 03 Jan 2003 04:16:46 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Classic arcade games you've never played 2003 - part one > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > > [...] > I want to be really sure before I bury this time capsule containing > thousands of "Baby Geniuses" tapes. > > -- K. > > Also, I will be carving a > hundred-mile-wide triangle > into the earth above the site > to warn space aliens not to > dig there. > > After all, the equilateral > triangle is the universal > symbol for "don't look at this". You see, that was a bad movie. A very bad movie. You might not think a movie where Dom DeLuise gets hit in the crotch with a monkey wrench could be all bad, but there you go. The business about the giant glowing triangle serving to keep aliens from digging there was actually one of the loonier serious nuclear waste-disposal plans to get lots of media coverage several years ago. "Baby Geniuses" is the opposite of a "Baby Mozart" tape. One is a quack thing that will magically make your infant smarter if you were dumb enough to pay money for the tape, while the other will magically make you stupider even if you watch it for free. > Date: Fri, 03 Jan 2003 04:39:39 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: True-life Animal-57 update > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > > [...a discussion of Taco Bell and Velcro...] > > Incidentally, velcro killed Gus Grissom, > and it wasn't even in his taco! During > the investigation, Richard Feynman > demonstrated how much worse the explosion > could have been, by dipping a strip of > Velcro into a taco. Then he spent six > weeks trying to figure out the meaning > of "Go for it!" and "Run for the border!" This, of course, is a reference to the Apollo 1 fire which killed Gus Grissom (where the astronauts had requested extra Velcro all over the inside of the capsule, and nobody had figured out that Velcro becomes a deadly explosive in a pure-oxygen atmosphere like NASA was using) and to Richard Feynman's investigation of the space shuttle Challenger's breakup, in which he dipped rubber rings into his drink, and spent a lot of time worrying that NASA people used the phrase "Go for it!" in conversation. He was oddly fascinated with that phrase. Taco Bell is a fast-food chain that serves things that used to be tacos, before they got small. > Date: Fri, 03 Jan 2003 04:50:01 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Who stole my sweatpants?? > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > > [...] > Here's my suggestion: Get one of those jars of Trader Joe's tomato soup, > the kind that comes in the really tall skinny olive jars that can barely > stand upright. Then bring it home and just wait for it to get spilled. > (Trader Joe's soup is great for spilling.) I guarantee you that the tall > narrow column of no-brand tomato glop will fall diagonally, heading directly > for your favorite article of clothing, especially if it's part of a large > pile of non-tomato-proof stuff. That was a true story involving a day I had to do my laundry a second time because I like to do my laundry right before dinner, which involved stupid yucky Trader Joe's soup. > [...] > Does Lipton still make > Giggle Noodle Cup-A-Soup? > Or did they discontinue it > before it could induce > even a single giggle? Cup-A-Soup is a popular brand of packets of salt mixed with yellow dye and tiny noodles cut from newsprint. Just add hot water, and BAM! you got hot water that looks like pee, with shredded paper dissolving in it. It comes in about a hundred flavors, most of which are the same yellow synthetic-chicken-flavored not-broth but with different shapes of noodles. Different shapes of real noodles would be lame enough, but the different shapes of Cup-A-Soup noodles have no texture, and are usually smaller than lentils (you can get them up a straw easily.) Giggle Noodle has little ":-)"s in it just to make it even more wimpy than soup with rectangular tissue-paper noodles. Noodles are referred to as "alimentary paste" on many product labels in Chinatown. > Date: Fri, 03 Jan 2003 06:31:45 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: sad news from the world of televised science fiction > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > > Bad news for fans of TV sci-fi. > > The actor who played everyone's favorite big-eared supporting character > in a legendary sci-fi series cancelled by NBC after three seasons... is dead. > > I'm referring, of course, to Royce D. Applegate, who played security > chief Manilow Crocker in early episodes of NBC's "seaQuest DSV", > before it was renamed NBC's "seaQuest", and then renamed NBC's > "seaQuest 2032", and then cancelled. > > [...] > The actor's charred corpse was found in the wreckage of his home on > New Year's Day. The cause of the fire is being investigated. > The prime suspect is a superintelligent dolphin, but he isn't talking. That was a true story, except I don't think the animatronic talking dolphin actually set the fire that roasted Royce D. Applegate. NBC's "seaQuest DSV" was a TV show which took place underwater, usually at an amusement park in Orlando. Except that futuristic Orlando was represented by stock footage of Boston, and the crazed Hungarian dictator was represented by William Shatner. Dom DeLuise was in a very special episode of NBC's "seaQuest", which was devoted to showing his family reunion, and a slow-motion volleyball game that went on forever, and something about his wife eating rat poison to stay thin and he had to get the crew of the seaQuest to stop her because he had to live in a plastic bubble because liberals had taken over the world and locked up all the smokers. William Shatner, Barbara Bain, Dom DeLuise, and Barry Van Dyke have never done a science fiction show together, although "Star Trek vs. Space: 1999 vs. seaQuest vs. Galactica 1980" would have starred all of them if it weren't just an idle fantasy of mine. (The Enterprise would win.) > Date: Fri, 03 Jan 2003 06:39:54 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Story: Einstein's Medieval Christmas (2002) > > [...] > So did you like Robert Wise's cameo > in that movie where Christopher Lee > played Captain Kangaroo? And if > Tom Arnold really was his own grandpa, > would he be justified in trying to > kill Captain Kangaroo? Robert Wise directed "The Day The Earth Stood Still", "West Side Story", and a movie where William Shatner wore a giant wad of black Velcro on his head so that people could tell him and the bald woman apart. Beloved children's TV show host Captain Kangaroo (whose real name is Bob Keeshan) and Robert Wise both appeared in "The Stupids", starring Tom Arnold as the only man who has ever figured out what "FATAL ERROR -- DRIVE B" _really_ means. Tom Arnold's character was so stupid that he thought that Christopher Lee and Bob Keeshan were the same evil person, when really Christopher Lee was just a figment of his imagination. He spends most of the movie trying to kill Bob Keeshan. Bob Keeshan and Gene Roddenberry both appeared on the cover of The Humanist magazine, which profiles famous atheists who prove there is no God by making movies which make you say, "GOD WOULD NEVER HAD ALLOWED THEM TO MAKE A MOVIE THIS BAD!" "The Stupids" is actually about 3000% better than "Baby Geniuses" and contains moments of actual entertainment. Same goes for the movie about Shatner and the bald woman. But both were so deeply flawed that they went down in history as famous flops, whereas the much worse "Baby Geniuses" is so bad that nobody's ever heard of it, even me. > Date: Tue, 07 Jan 2003 08:04:24 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Two simple requests... > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > > [...] > > 1.) I just called up a bunch of reporters and told them that > alt.religion.kibology is a cloning corporation and we've produced > a million billion zillion clones of Bob Hope for less than a tenth > of a cent each, and that there are too many of them to count so we > won't let the reporters count them, but if anyone asks you, please > tell the reporters that yes, we just made a million billion zillion > clones of Bob Hope. This is a reference to the Raelians, some bozo religious cult (founded by a French race car driver who moved to Quebec, because apparently France wasn't weird enough) that announced they had secretly cloned a human being. They got lots and lots of respectful TV news coverage from TV news reporters, demonstrating that almost all TV news reporters are total fucking morons who didn't express any skepticism about these nutters who were pretending to have done something which would have been impossible for even a giant pile of Nobel laureates to do with present-day technology. The closest the TV coverage came to being actually good was in the cases where the reporter talked to one cultist who said "We have just cloned a baby with our secret invisible space brain juice laser crystal," and one scientist who said "They might not yet have proved their case," leading the reporter to conclude, "Therefore, there are two sides to every issue, and we may never know whether the Raelians have cloned someone," with the addition, time permitting, of "We must take the Raelians' claim seriously because they say they have fifty-eight billion active members." Bob Hope is really old. > Date: Tue, 07 Jan 2003 08:26:48 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Two simple requests... > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > > [...my imaginary clones] all jumped into the ocean and drowned because > they wanted to see Sponge Bob Square Pants. > > They won't be able to prove that isn't true! Because to do that they'd > have to interview Sponge Bob, and they'd drown too. When I was a kid, strange rumors about little Mikey (from the Life cereal commercials) exploding when the North Vietnamese force-fed him Pop Rocks circulated. In 2003, some really vague story about how some kid jumped off a ship to meet Sponge Bob is going around. It's one of those things which doesn't quite qualify as a real urban legend because you have to be under the age of 8 to care about it or take it seriously, like the one about how convicts are being executed on the set in the middle of dance numbers in "The Wizard Of Oz" or some Quebecois scammers are cloning people. "Sponge Bob Square Pants" is a cartoon about a sponge, who is named Bob, who wears pants, which are shaped like a rectangular prism but are not square, thus destroying all educational value the show might have had if it were shown in geometry class. Geometry is a class they used to have. It taught logic. > Date: Tue, 07 Jan 2003 21:56:11 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: I may have missed something important. > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > > [...] > Stop bothering me with facts, I've got > to get off the train to get six copper > lobster claws! <-- fact! I was shopping for jewelry findings. Oddly, as I type this, I'm on a train coming back from shopping for jewelry findings, except this isn't the same trip. And this time I was buying split rings. Actually I went to look for self-adhesive transparent frogs, but they only had them in purple and teal, so I just bought split rings. Split rings are those keyrings that destroy your fingernails before you can get your keys onto them. Lobster claws are little things shaped sort of like lobster pincers, except more fragile and more overpriced. > Date: Tue, 07 Jan 2003 21:58:15 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: I may have missed something important. > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable > > [...] > > Okay, I'm obviously lying. The most powerful drug in my apartment > is shaped like Bert and Ernie and that creepy Elmo (I buy the Sesame > Street chewable vitamins because all the other brands contain > saccharin, sorbitol, and/or aspartame, and if I'm going to buy toddler > vitamins I want the ones with the real sugar, dammit!) Right after I posted that, Walgreens stopped selling them. This is the same Walgreens outlet that only ever had the one box of White Castles without cheez (which I bought shortly after their grand opening) and basically, every time I say I like something from that store, they see my article and say, "Gee, we better take it away so that Kibo doesn't buy it because we don't want him in here looking at our stuff so he can go home and make fun of it on alt.religion.kibology." Dumbest thing I ever saw at that store: Some sort of small lawn ornament shaped like a rotationally-symmetric, five-winged bee. Apparently the bee's wings all go around clockwise when the wind blows past the odd number of them. Wait, that's wrong. The dumbest things I've ever seen at that store are the clerks. The five-winged roto-bee gets bumped down a few notches for being insufficiently stupid. > Date: Tue, 07 Jan 2003 22:00:28 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: I may have missed something important. > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > > [...] > > I keep thinking there should be a second parallel United Nations where > all the delegates would be these lame comic stereotypes. Yakov Smirnoff > would represent Russia ("in Russia, Russia represents YOU!") and all > the other seats at Not The U.N. would be taken by other standup comedians > with similarly one-dimensional acts, although other than Paul Rodrigues > and Scott Thompson (the extremely Canadian slightly gay one, not the > annoying one) I don't think we could fill up the whole weird-looking > building ("In Russia, weird-looking building fills up YOU!") The guy who performs as "Carrot Top" is actually name Scott Thompson, but he doesn't use his real name because he doesn't want to be confused with someone who is considerably funnier, and gayer, than him. The non-"Carrot Top" one has a tiny role in the awful movie "Millennium" (a movie I am still trying to figure out -- are the sarcastic people with the foam-rubber corners glued to their foreheads supposed to be robots, or just people who underwent some sort of horrible mutation that made their faces more angular than if Vladek Sheybal married Harry Stinson?) Vladek Sheybal is the little rat-faced guy in Gerry Anderson's "U.F.O." and, if I remember correctly, "From Russia With Love". Harry Stinson sells discount real-estate at two in the morning on Toronto's local TV stations, and has a face so triangular it should be printed on Mork's jumpsuit. > Date: Tue, 07 Jan 2003 22:04:36 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: It's official. Now I hate "South Park". > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > > [...] > > And yes, I have the entire run of "Pink Lady & Jeff" on DVD. My favorite's > the one where they're actually allowed to sing a song in Japanese, because > it has Robbie The Robot. > > -- K. > > Bob Kinoshita is my hero! Bob Kinoshita designed Robbie The Robot (for the movie "Forbidden Planet".) He did not design the cheap knockoff of Robbie who starred in "Lost In Space" (their Robot looked fine until they did an episode where Robbie was the guest star and suddenly the Robot looked crappy.) Irwin Allen eventually did hire Bob Kinoshita to work on "Lost In Space" (he designed some more Robbie-styled robots for them) and he also designed for "The Time Tunnel" (which had a lot of matte paintings that looked a lot like the Krellian underground in "Forbidden Planet".) I don't know if he's still alive, but Bob Kinoshita gets a whole pile of Secret Kibo Bonus Points for designing Robbie, the coolest movie robot ever. > Date: Tue, 07 Jan 2003 22:17:55 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > To: kibo@world.std.com > Subject: Re: It's official. Now I hate "South Park". > > [regarding Mr. High Hat, educational hand-puppet] > > Ted Frank (moe@radix.net) wrote: > > > > Ryan W. Mead (ryanmead1985@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > > > I remember a story about him emphasizing the "R" sound > > > in which he helped a rabbit with red stripes lose the stripes > > > and become a regular rabbit. > > > > I had a rabbi with red stripes once. > > Does that make you the big-eared Darrin or the in-the-closet Darrin? > I recall that was a pretty lame episode, so I bet it was one of the ones > with the second Darrin. It was certainly in color because the stripes > drawn on Sam's face were definitely red. > > I don't recall the details, but I'm sure I can re-create the entire episode: > > ...Dr. Bombay gives Sam the wrong witch medicine for her witch cold. > She breaks out in red stripes during Darrin's presentation to a client. > Mr. Tate fires him but the client says "Red striped rashes! What a brilliant > new way to advertise my peanut butter!" and Darrin is re-hired at exactly > the same salary he's re-hired at every week. Then Endora accidentally > duplicates all my E-mail because I changed the time zone on my computer. At the time, I was using an old version of Eudora, which had the quirk that if the last-modified timestamp on my mailbox files didn't match the last date it remembered me reading my mail, it would want to rebuild its index of messages, causing all the mail I had marked for deletion to reappear. Eudora doesn't actually erase anything until you do "Compact Mailboxes", so messages that are marked deleted reappear whenever the mailboxes were re-indexed, which would happen whenever I changed the computer's clock because I was in a different time zone. Computers suck. > Date: Tue, 07 Jan 2003 22:24:14 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Do my homework for me > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > > [...] > > So anyway, now we know: Matt keeps a green magic marker near his > supposedly awesome TV. But in truth, it's just a black-and-white > General Electric 4" set from 1976, and he's made it seem better by > tracing over all the wires inside it with his green magic marker. This refers to a quack product sold in high-tech places like the stereo department of K-Mart, a green magic marker that is supposed to make orchestras perform better if you draw a circle around the edge of the CD where it won't interfere with anything the laser might actually point at. In other words, it works on the same principles as Raelian technology, only different. > I'm only being mean to Matt > because he didn't have enough > plastic wrap to cover the entire > giant screen, so I could only > play along when Andy Kaufman went > up the bottom half of the stairs. Andy Kaufman was like Robin Williams, except that instead of saying "Nano-nano! Shazbot!" he said "Bibi da!" and he didn't survive after he turned sappy and made a terribly unfunny movie about a wacky robot. Also, Robin Williams only did that once. Andy Kaufman did it twice, in a TV pilot as well as the major motion picture. But when they weren't being sappy, Andy Kaufman was funnier. Probably easier to work with, too. [to be continued in part 2] ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Red meat for Austrians. Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2003 21:35:50 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > I discovered this morning that it is pretty easy to entertain James > Vandenberg with a copy of the Outback Steakhouse menu, so I figured > I'd paste it in here for the oohs and ahhs of the other Austrians on > this chatBBS board. I can't wait to go to Austria myself and blend > right in with the locals by ordering Aussie Sandwiches with Aussie > Cheese Fries. I'm just imagining Beable up on his northern Queensland > plantation, tucking into his usual meal of Queensland Chicken 'N > Shrimp and a Queensland Salad. The children make sure to finish their > Mac A Roo 'N Cheese and Kookaburra Chicken Fingers so they can have > their Spotted Dog Sundae. And meanwhile in Canberra, a sixteen- > metric-ounce cut of prime rib is being slow roasted for John Howard > according to the recipe originally developed by Sir Edmund Barton in > his private kitchen. Mmmmm! > > http://www.outbacksteakhouse.com/menu/menuprinterfriendly.asp > > AUSSIE-TIZERS > Bloomin' Onion > An Outback Ab-original from Russell's Marina Bay > > Aussie Cheese Fries > Aussie chips topped with Monterey Jack and Cheddar cheeses and bacon, > served with spicy ranch dressing > > Grilled Shrimp On The Barbie > Seasoned and served with Outback's own Remoulade sauce It's not funny unless you actually do the accent. (yelling) GROILED SHRAWMP ONNA BAWRBWRY, MATE!!! ARRRR!!! And then he went to Canada! (yelling drunkenly) GROILED SHRAWMP 'BOOT A BAWRBWRY, MATE!!! ARRRR, EH!!! > Gold Coast Coconut Shrimp > Six colossal shrimp dipped in beer batter, rolled in coconut, deep > fried to a golden brown and served with marmalade sauce > > Walkabout Soup O' The Day > A unique presentation of an Australian favorite. Reckon! (Bowl/Cup) > > Kookaburra Wings > Known as Buffalo chicken wings here > in the States. Mild, Medium, or Hot > > Too Right French Onion Soup > Our homemade soup with caramelized onions. Topped with a layer of > melted Gruyere cheese. AWR HOIMOOD SOWP WIF CAWRAWLMAILEEZT AWNYAWNS. TAWPT WIF OI LAWYER AWF MOLTED GRAYHAIR CHAISE!!! ARRRRR!!! And then he lived in the future! AWR HOIMOOD SPACE SOWP WIF CAWRAWLMAILEEZT SPACE AWNYAWNS. TAWPT WIF OI LAWYER AWF MOLTED GRAYHAIR SPACE CHAISE!!! ARRRRR 2000!!! > SIDES > Sauteed Shrooms > Jacket Potato > Aussie Chips > Grilled Onions > Fresh Veggies > Caesar Salad > House Salad > Garlic Mashed Potatoes > > BONZER SALADS > Queensland Salad > Seasoned chicken salad served on a bed of fresh greens, with Monterey > Jack and Cheddar cheeses, bacon, chopped egg, tomato and toasted > almonds SAISAWNED CHAYKOYN SOYLAWD SAIRVED AWN OY BOID AWF FRAWYESH GROINS, WOIF MAWNTOIRAY JACKO OIND CHAYDOYR CHOYZOIZ, BOYCOYN, CHOWPPED OIG, TOYMAWTAW OIND TAWSTOD OYLMOINDS!!! ARRRRR!!! OY!!!! ENERGOIZER!!! And then he ate pickles! SAISAWNED CHAYKOYN SOYLAWD SAIRVED AWN OY BOID AWF FRAWYESH GROINS, WOIF MAWNTOIRAY JACKO OIND CHAYDOYR CHOYZOIZ, BOYCOYN, CHOWPPED OIG, TOYMAWTAW OIND TAWSTOD OYLMOINDS!!! ARRRRR!!! OY!!!! ENERGOIZER!!! MMM, PICKLES!!! > Soup 'N Salad > A bowl of our Soup of the Day and our tasty House or Caesar Salad > > Brisbane Caesar Salad > A "Hooley Dooley" portion of our own Caesar salad topped with your > choice: > Grilled shrimp on the barbie > Grilled seasoned chicken breast > Aussie-sized chicken breast > > AUSSIE SANDWICHES > Served with Aussie chips > > The Mad Max > A serious burger. For warriors only, please. Served with bacon, > American cheese, pickles, onions, mayonnaise, lettuce and tomato > > No Rules Burger > Our burger served just right. Choice of toppings: Bacon, Grilled > Onions, Sauteed Mushrooms, Swiss Cheese, Lettuce and Tomato, American > Cheese, BBQ Sauce, Pickles and Onions, Bleu Cheese dressing > > The Outbacker > Old reliable, our burger with lettuce, tomato, onion, pickle and > mustard. Add cheese, at no charge > > Barbie Chook 'N Bacon > Temptingly barbecued chicken breast served with bacon, Swiss cheese, > lettuce and tomato > > Sweet Chook O' Mine > Tender grilled breast of chicken with Swiss cheese, bacon, lettuce and > tomato, with a honey mustard sauce > > LAND ROVERS > Land Rovers are served with a choice of Walkabout soup or salad and > choice of potato, or fresh steamed veggies. > > Rockhampton Rib-Eye > A 14-ounce rib-eye steak > > Victoria's Filet > A 9-ounce tenderloin A NOIN-AWNZ TAINDOYRLOYOYN!!! ARRRR!!! And then he swallowed a bee! A NOIN-AWNZ BZZ TAINDOYRLOYOYN!!! ARRRR BZZ BZZ!!! > Ayers Rock Strip > A 14-ounce New York Strip > > Prime Minister's Prime Rib > A tempting, 16-ounce cut, oven roasted slowly > 12-ounce and 8-ounce cuts also available > > Outback Special > A 12-ounce center-cut sirloin, seasoned > and seared to perfection > > The Melbourne > A 20-ounce porterhouse--it's bonzer! > > Outback Rack > A 14-ounce rack of lamb served with a Cabernet sauce > > Add On Mates > -- Five Grilled Shrimp On The Barbie with any entree > -- Sauteed 'Shrooms, a fair dinkum side GRILLED ON THE BARBIE > > Drover's Platter > Generous portion of ribs and chicken breast on the barbie with Aussie > chips and cinnamon apples > > Ribs On The Barbie > Mouth-watering ribs, smoked and grilled, with Aussie chips and > cinnamon apples > > Botany Bay Fish O' The Day > Fresh catch, lightly seasoned and grilled, with fresh veggies > > Chicken On The Barbie > Seasoned and grilled breast served with BBQ sauce and fresh veggies > > North Atlantic Salmon > Lightly seasoned and grilled, with fresh steamed veggies > > House or Caesar Salad > add to any Grilled On The Barbie Favorite for an additional charge > > Outback Grillers > Tastebud thrillers! Served on a bed of seasoned rice with grilled > pineapple, red onions, peppers, 'shrooms, zucchini and a house or > caesar salad. > > Steak & Veggie Griller > with seasoned sirloin medallions > > Chicken & Veggie Griller > > Shrimp & Veggie Griller > DOWN-UNDER FAVORITES > > Queensland Chicken 'N Shrimp > Seasoned and grilled, over fettuccine Alfredo, topped with a light > lemon sauce > > Alice Springs Chicken > Grilled chicken breast and bacon smothered in mushrooms, melted > Monterey Jack and Cheddar cheeses, with honey mustard sauce. Served > with Aussie chips > > Jackeroo Chops > Two 8-ounce center cut pork chops served with cinnamon apples and > garlic mashed potatoes > > Toowoomba Pasta > Flavorful fettuccine Alfredo mixed with seasoned shrimp, crawfish, > mushrooms, and parmesan > > Walhalla Pasta > Pasta tossed with fresh steamed veggies in an Alfredo sauce, topped > with parmesan. Also available with a grilled chicken breast > > House or Caesar Salad > With any Down Under Favorite for an additional charge > > DESSERTS > Chocolate Thunder From Down Under > Fresh-baked pecan brownie, rich vanilla ice cream topped with hot > homemade chocolate sauce and chocolate shavings > > Sydney's Sinful Sundae > Vanilla ice cream rolled in toasted coconut, covered in chocolate > sauce and topped with whipped cream > > Cheesecake Olivia > New York style with a choice of raspberry or caramel sauce > > Cinnamon Oblivion > Vanilla ice cream covered in cinnamon apples and pecans topped with > caramel sauce > > JOEY MENU FOR KIDS > This special tucker (that's food) is just for littlies under 10. > Includes a beverage too. > > Joey Sirloin > Grilled Cheese-A-Roo > Mac A Roo 'N Cheese > Kookaburra Chicken Fingers > Boomerang Cheese Burger > Spotted Dog Sundae I didn't want to quote all of this, but I had to, just to preserve the part where they assured us that the items on the kids' menu were food. To recap stuff I wrote last year: Outback Steakhouse is not to be confused with Bugaboo Creek Steakhouse, which sounds like a fake Australian place but is really a fake Canadian place. And that's just sad. It's also the place which sponsors my local pornography store. I think that store might have a video titled "Kookaburra Chicken Fingers", possibly with caviar. -- K. Kookaburra, Davey! Don't say "hot dog"! Woof. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Favorite worst stupid action-figure TV commercial Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2003 21:39:58 -0500 Sean (linwood@mailandnews.com) wrote: > > ...would be the Dukes of Hazzard (tm), c. 1980. > > [...] > Enter the Bo and Luke figures, confidently deployed by the two boys, one > of whom replies huskily, "We's a-comin" in pseudo-Southern backwoods > patois. In a trice, the Bo figure is standing atop the shoulders of Luke > (or maybe it's the other way around), so that he might reach his > stranded nubile girl cousin and bring her to safety. I think the show would have been better if Bo and Luke had had little Lego bumps on their shoulders, and holes in the soles of their feet, so that they could do that in live action. > [...] > Yeah, this one just noses out the commercial for the "CHiPs" action > figures, which featured a stirringly dramatic song-over with these lyrics: > > You can pretend that John is serious > In this partnership > And Ponch is out to have some fun > It's CHiPs! It's sad that the people who were paid to write that jingle took it so seriously that they watched enough "CHiPs" to learn everything there was to know about the depths of characterization on that show. Or any other cop show. One's a humorless by-the-book veteran! One's a hotshot young rules-be-damned rookie! Together, they fight crime in (check one) [ ] The Big City [ ] Canada Pretending To Be America [ ] Outer Space [ ] The Wild West [ ] The Lawless World Of The Future [ ] Underwater [ ] Virtual Cyberspace -- K. If I ever meet Conan O'Brien, I want to let him know that, for the past eighteen years or so, one of the TV images indeliby burned into my brain is that freeze-frame of him running towards the camera, wearing an LAPD uniform, and looking as if he's in agony from the effort of running six feet. That was on "Not Necessarily The News", a show that wasn't necessarily as good as the show it was copied from, although Conan's grimace was every bit as disturbing as any of Rowan Atkinson's expressions. I think Rich Hall was supposed to be their Rowan Atkinson, though. I mean, they wouldn't hire someone who looked vaguely like Rowan Atkinson unless they had some sort of secret plan. But "Mr. Bean" could kick the butt of "Sniglets" any day. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: BLOOM COUNTY anyone? Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2003 21:46:13 -0500 John D Salt (john.salt@NOSPAM.btclick.com) wrote: > > I was never a *real* teacher, only a university lecturer (and, by a > commodious vicus of recirculation, I seem to have become one again > last week, although the post is "acting, local, temporary and > unpaid" -- well, not that local, really), a holiday English teacher > of French brats, and an Assistant de Langue in the Pas de Calais. Yeah, I also hated that part of "Gladiator" where Commodius Vicus Of Recirculation ran around in circles in fast motion while "Yakety Sax" played, or rather some cheap knockoff of the middle third of "Yakety Sax" titled "Entry Of The Gladiators". Also nobody ever realized he was a robot even though he kept explaining in a robot voice that his name was "V.I.C.U.S. : Very Intelligent Child-Unit Simulacrum", and then the all-toddler laugh track would go "*click* HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW *click*" when V.I.C.U.S. sprayed the cat with a fire hose because Dad Who Can't Act said "V.I.C.U.S., put the cat out!" -- K. Then Helen Fielding chased them around a while and the animators were careful to draw a highly-visible zipper on the gorilla's chest. Every TV sitcom has done a "Gilligan's Island" parody and an "It's A Wonderful Life" homage, but they seldom realize that every sitcom should just copy from Benny Hill. This would make them much funnier than the same show without the Benny Hill pastiche, and would also make them much funnier than Benny Hill. I like Benny Hill, but you gotta admit, his style is funnier when it appears where it shouldn't be. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: BLOOM COUNTY anyone? Date: Sat, 22 Mar 2003 20:23:00 -0500 Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Every TV sitcom has done a "Gilligan's Island" parody and an > > "It's A Wonderful Life" homage, > > Don't forget the "A Christmas Carol" episode. ARGH! I *HAD*, until you RUINED MY BRAIN!!! Lots of sitcoms have stars or characters named "Carol" just as an excuse to do that episode. "We didn't really WANT to do something so derivative, but we HAD to!" I think Carol Burnett, Carol Brady, Carol Channing, and Marcia Wallace (Carol on "The Bob Newhart Show") should be put in a big glass jar with an inadequate number of air holes poked in the lid until they agree to never again be on TV. Also, Carol Channing has to have face reduction surgery. I like Marcia Wallace, but playing a character named "Carol" is asking for it. Nobody on TV should be allowed to have a name that any references can be made out. Maybe they should just assign random 128-bit binary numbers. Also they should stop confusing us by having some actors playing characters of different names. Every actor should just play a character with the name name as them, except with the word "Super" in front. Goodbye "Fonzie", hello "Super Henry Winkler", and now he can fly! > I simply cannot think of a sitcom which did not have one Very Special > Christmas Episode based off the Dickens classic. Last year I also > noticed that every specialty cable channel has one made-for-TV-movie > based on the novel, always with some sort of very important actor > (Patrick Stewart), a new generational theme ("Scrooge's Rock 'n' Roll > Christmas"), or a Wacky Twist (Cicely Tyson as "Mrs Scrooge"). I just want to know why, now that we're living in what Charles Dickens would have considered to be the future, the story hasn't changed to be about two Ghosts Of Christmas Past and one Ghost Of Christmas Present. > [...] > Okay, back to sitcoms. I'm not sure how any sitcom made before > "Gilligan's Island" could have a "Gilligan's Island" parody, GOOD parodies are always done in advance. Like the "Alien" parody in "Dark Star", or Saturday Night Live's "Little Chocolate Doughnuts" cereal ad or "Gilette Triple-Trac", or the entire movie "Tunnelvision." > but I think the connection between pre-Gilligan and post-Gilligan > is the Shakespeare episode. Every sitcom before 1961 had a Shakespeare > episode, but the trend fell into disfavor when "Gilligan's Island" > overworked the theme because it gave the actors a chance to pretend > like they were acting, and also the dialogue was free because it was > in the public domain. Because "Gilligan's Island" overused the > Shakespeare idea, nothing was left but for sitcoms to do a > "Gilligan's Island" parody. So you're saying "Moonlighting" was defective because they screwed up and did a Shakespeare pastiche (which won an Emmy) instead of the proper "Gilligan's Island" parody? That's a new way to look at why "Moonlighting" was bad. I'm going to add it to my list now. -- K. "Small Wonder" never did any parodies of other shows. This is because the producers were smart enough not to remind the audience that all other shows were better. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: BLOOM COUNTY anyone? Date: Mon, 24 Mar 2003 22:56:39 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Nobody on TV should be allowed to have a name that any references can > > be made out. Maybe they should just assign random 128-bit binary numbers. > > The best binary name of all time is of course FACE from the "A-Team". I > don't know what secret message they were trying to get across with the name > 64206 (or 1111101011001110), but I'm sure that it's an incredibly witty pun > of the type often utilized on the show. But perhaps it could be translated > as something so mundane as "I pity the fool" using an arbitrary base that I > refuse to decipher, but then again this theory falls apart when you realize > that it really wasn't his line anyway. Maybe it would work with the phrase > "I love it when a post comes together" but I don't have the math background > that would allow me to do the proof. Well no matter how you look at it you > have to agree that in this matter I'm almost but not quite fully justified. I think the binary "FACE" pun could only be decoded by a huge steam-powered calculating machine invented by C BABBAGE, once he figures out how to turn the "G" in his name from a musical note into a hexadecimal digit without cheating like the "H" loophole for BACH. Also, someone should tell Babbage that the top 2/3 of the Difference Engine is missing, leaving only part that's mostly load-bearing stuff, and none of the gears will turn because they don't have any teeth and one of the shafts passes through a hole drilled near the rim of that big gear in front. But at least the butt of the Difference Engine looks better now that I took all the dotted lines out, even though it's still covered with Penrose impossible triangles. And of course you have no idea what I'm talking about, but that's okay, just assume it involves a logo and some fonts. Work, work, work. Logos with moving parts are a pain. -- K. Don't ask how the dead cows are involved in this. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.motss Subject: Re: Etiquette Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2003 21:56:11 -0500 In alt.religion.kibology and soc.motss, Gwendolyn Alden Dean (gd35@cornell.edu) wrote: > > David Kaye wrote: > > > > You know, you're absolutely right! Some years ago I commented to my > > then womanfriend that she'd never be very good as a male impersonator. > > Why not? "You don't take up enough room." I kept noticing that men > > on BART trains spread out and take up 3 seats if possible. Women (and > > a lot of gay men) take up one seat, and possibly half a seat if > > necessary. > > There was an an excellent photo-documentary called _This Feminine Position_ > done on this in the early 80s or late 70s by a German photographer. The question is, did it take up one or three square feet of the coffee table? And did the photographer do it just as an excuse to sell a book of "upskirt"s? And what's with these people who, when there's just one seat left on the train or bus, won't take it because they don't want to take The Last Seat (perhaps in case everyone else avoided it because it's the only seat that might ever have gotten dirty) but still stand right next to it to block anyone else from using it, ever? These appear to be people of both sexes. ...ARE THEY? -- K. Real men don't sit in the bus seats facing sideways, because sitting sidesaddle is the girliest way to ride. Unless you have a laptop, in which case you have an excuse to sit there so nobody can read this over my shoulder. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.motss Subject: Re: Etiquette Date: Sat, 22 Mar 2003 20:35:34 -0500 In alt.religion.kibology and soc.motss, David Kaye (sfdavidkaye2@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Real men don't sit in the bus seats facing sideways, because > > sitting sidesaddle is the girliest way to ride. > > You're right. I've ridden the side seats on buses since I was in high > school. For me, I liked the view so much better that way. But I > noticed that only the girls and the geeks ever rode "sidesaddle". > Even today I prefer the side seat if possible. And as Chance would > say, "I like to watch." At the moment I have no choice because I'm on one of Boston's Red Line trains, so all the seats face sideways. (At least it's not one of the older trains where the seats are just a bench running the length of the train so all the people slide back and forth like a half-full box of Cheerios being shipped to the grocery store.) But on days like today when I'm wasting everyone's time posting to Usenet from the train or bus, I sit sideways because otherwise my articles would be filled with HEY YOU! YES YOU LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER! BUZZ OFF! random commands directed to I SAID BUZZ OFF! people looking over my shoulder. BUZZ OFF BUZZ OFF BUZZ OFF! But the main problem with sitting sideways on the train, aside from the fact that the people sitting across from you could look up your dress if you were wearing a dress which is why men must never sit sideways because it gets them a step closer to wearing a dress, is that people walking along the train confuse laptop computers with the handholds on the backs of the seats. People are always grabbing the top of my computer to steady themselves as they walk past. It's gotten so that I seek out this one specific seat (if I'm on the Green Line) where the seat faces sideways but is behind a pair of seats which face forwards, so that people walking past have the two seats in front sticking out in front of my legs (and I also stretch out my legs just to make sure people really get the idea that they should look where they're going and not just grab the glowing handhold that I am typing on.) There's only one seat per train meeting those characteristics -- there is also a sideways seat with only one seat in front of it, and two immediately behind the flexible joint in the middle of the car (occluding my body but not the edge of the laptop that people grab.) I'm getting tempted to run razor wire along the top edge of my computer, or at least have an "accidental" electrical short that leaves the top edge of the case charged up real zappy. Either that or maybe I should wear a dress so that people will steer waaaaaaaay clear of me. I mean, my legs are hairier than Sean Connery's shower drain. Except that because people seem to lose the ability to see the difference between a computer and a steel bar while riding the train, they might still not take the hint that I'M HIDEOUS! STAY AWAY! -- K. I could get a shirt that says "KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY LAPTOP", but then helpful people would keep explaining to me that I probably didn't realize I had a double ententre on my shirt. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo goes to Ottawa (part 3 of 3) Date: Sat, 22 Mar 2003 20:21:25 -0500 Martin H. Booda (booda@datasync.com) wrote: > > I caution anyone who's thinking of trying to duplicate money using those > 3133T High-Resolution copiers to be really really cautious. Make SURE the > area is free of insects or you risk contaminating the DNA of the money and > making BRUNDLEMONEY. And whatever you do don't try it in a storm! If you > leave the copier unattended afterwards an EVIL copy of the money will show > up, rape your yeoman and SPEND ITSELF ON ENLARGING ITS PENIS. I tried to enlarge my penis on a Xerox, but it didn't work because the machine could only scan originals up to eleven inches long. I like to wonder what the world would be like if Canon's copiers really did contain magical circuitry to make dollar bills invisible when copied. (Canon likes to claim this, but Canon sales reps have refused to demonstrate it for me when asked about it at trade shows.) If the machines really could detect and eradicate currency, imagine the power for evil: "Ha! I have stolen this giant bag of loose cash from a very sloppy bank! But alas, I have no means of counting this money in time for dinner. I know! I'll just dump it on top of my Canon copier and push the button!" (robot voice) "I AM MAKING PRECISELY FIVE HUNDRED THIRTY-ONE SOLID BLACK RECTANGLES NOW BECAUSE I DETECT FIVE HUNDRED THIRTY-ONE TWENTY-DOLLAR BILLS. I REFUSE TO COPY THIS TOTAL QUANTITY OF TEN THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED TWENTY DOLLARS." "But how will I hide the money from the cops? I know! I'll just keep this sheet of paper with a picture of a pile of black rectangles on it, and flush all the money down the toilet! Then after the heat's off, I'll reverse the green and black wires leading to the chip that turns money from green to black, make a copy of the black rectangles, and money will come out! Hooray for technology!" Other anti-counterfeiting legends that the makers of copiers like to see in circulation (because they imply that the machines really can make good copies of dollar bills, which they don't) include the one about how all copiers secret embed the machine's serial number in every copy. Of course, that's not as bad as HP giving you some virtual goldfish and then telling you they'll starve unless you make extra copies of all your officework, but at least that plea for overspending is disguised as a "feed the imaginary fish" game, not something just intended to keep you from realizing how poorly color copiers can reproduce things like money. -- K. Here's a crime I haven't heard anyone trying yet: Go to Canada and get $650 worth of loonies, then try to pass them in the States as $1000 worth of Sacagaweas. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo goes to Ottawa (part 3 of 3) Date: Sat, 15 Mar 2003 02:27:05 -0500 Adam (a24061@void.yahoo.void.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > and they didn't have a single coin with my picture on it. > > How can one obtain such a coin? MAKE ME PRESIDENT AND KILL ME! I have spoken. Also please do the opposite of the second half of everything I say in all capitals. But not the first! I don't want to be anti-President, no matter how many lowercase letters are involved. I want to move to Canada and travel back in time 150 years so I can issue my own currency, like the Hudson Bay Company, the Moose Jaw Bread Company, and Canadian Tire. Either that or I should just turn into a silly-ass Scottish sterotype so I could say that Canadian Tire already put me on their money. Sandy McTire is such a Scottish stereotype he's on the verge of crossing over into pirate stereotype. "ARRRRR! AVAST YE SCURVY SCALAWAGS, SHOP AT CANADIAN TIRE! EAT ME HAGGIS, MATEYS!" Also, isn't "Sandy" a girl's name? "ARRRRR! I'M GENDER-AMBIGUOUS! THIS BE NOT A KILT!" -- K. I really liked the Currency Museum, even if the whole museum would be worth less than a dollar if they converted it to American. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Who's Playing Who? Date: Sat, 22 Mar 2003 20:25:29 -0500 On the subway, I like to play a little game called "Who's Playing Who?" The object is to guess which celebrities are trying to play which other celebrities, because everyone in the world around us is really just a cross between two famous people, especially if you use your imagination, assume lots of prosthetic makeup, and have partial aphasia. But it's quite easy. Everyone looks like some movie star who's horribly miscast as someone else. For instance, within the last minute, I saw "Bob Balaban *IS* Salman Rushdie!" and "Greg Brady *IS* Stephen King!" and "Bob Hoskins *IS* Michael Moore!" (You have to yell the word "IS" at the top of your lungs, but without actually saying it out loud if you don't want people to know how weird you are.) It's not fair to pick nondescript-looking people and two celebrities who might cancel out, such as "Ernest Borgnine *IS* Jaye Davidson!" but you'd be surprised what strange pairs of celebrities people do look like. If you're on the same train long enough that you've identified all the people, the next step is to write the actual movies or wacky sitcoms. The third step is to draw a diagram of the conspiracy involving all the celebrities who had to wear disguises as other celebrities just to ride the train to their secret conspiracy headquarters. I hope you've enjoyed today's round of "Who's Playing Who?" Game pieces do not actually talk. -- K. I'm "Richard Moll *IS* Abraham Lincoln!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Damn that cable-stealing Hussein! Date: Sat, 22 Mar 2003 20:39:51 -0500 Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > I rarely watch teevee. Except for Iron Chef and E.R. Well those shows as > well as The Simpsons and King of the Hill (errr... and also South Park and > The Tick.) But now tonight, Saddam Fuckface took E.R. away from me because > he is an egocentric bastard who just wants to monopolize my cable with shit > about the damn war. Yeah, especially when we were trying to watch Jamie Farr on "M*A*S*H". -- K. YAY I JUST MADE A ONE-LINE FOLLOWUP! That's the worst kind! So, send in the Filler Force! (trumpet blows) (tanks rumble in from over the horizon, their turrets blasting streams of Styrofoam packing peanuts, as the troops yell "EXCELSIOR!") (a nerd walks in front of the tanks holding up to big cardboard "1"s. He yells "EXCLUSIVE OR!" and touches the two "1"s to each other, and they explode, leaving him holding a big cardboard "0".) (a guy in a cape and space helmet climbs out of one of the tanks, and holds up a ray gun which has Saturn-style rings orbiting it around all three axes. He fires the gun, which produces a ray which covers the nerd in Bubble Wrap.) ("'Bubble Wrap' is a registered trademark of the Sealed Air Corp.!" yells the nerd, who then dies from breathing the sealed air.) (The Filler Force rejoices! They all get out of their tanks and dance the Batusi. Jamie Farr enters in a dress and dances, but then a guy in a giant foam- rubber packing peanut costume chases him around at triple speed. Then the Earth blows up and everybody dies. The End!) And that, boys and girls, is how filler is made. Are there any questions? "Dear Scientist Kibo, why is filler made, and can it stop?" Heh-heh-heh. Of course it can't, Little Billy, of course it can't. Also, didn't you die when the Earth blew up? "Gosh! I guess I did. Bye!" (Little Billy dies, and instantly his corpse turns into a big cardboard "0". Cookie Monster comes in and eats it. Then he climbs out of the screen and eats you. The End!) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: At last, a beverage just for Archie! Date: Sat, 22 Mar 2003 21:32:15 -0500 Kool-Aid has introduced new Kool-Aid Mad ScienTwists. The package shows the happy, blood-filled pitcher randomly mixing tubes of toxic chemicals together to see if he can accidentally create an acid that can eat through children. There's even a big atom in the logo to show that Kool-Aid Mad ScienTwists are atom-powered and full of radioactive waste. According to my packets of Raspberry Reaction Artificial Flavor (it's not even real Raspberry Reaction flavor!) the benefits of this new product are "Rainbow Powder, Neon Colored Drink, Mega Refreshing Taste!" So I really need "mega" refreshment? I don't think I want to drink a thousand glasses of anything right now, let alone a million. As their Web site says, > You can become a "ScienTwist" when you add water to the rainbow > colored powder that turns a cool neon color! Cool! Now I am a scientist with an extra "w"! But wait... if the drink is a ScienTwist... and when I add water, I become a ScienTwist... OH NO, KOOL-AID MAN IS DRINKING MEEEEEEEE! -- K. Kool-Aid Man was part of Sid Krofft's master plan to encourage kids to destroy their brains with sugar and toxic chemicals so that they'd lose the ability to tell good special effects from cheap ones. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: You know what pisses me off? Date: Sat, 22 Mar 2003 20:45:01 -0500 "Lots42 bomb vice president" (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > I don't mind slang if real words are used. What I do mind is made up > slang, like shizzle dizzle. What the fuck? You're a big doidy. -- K. Eventually we'll have used up all the real swears and then people will have to start using mine. And then I'll be rich! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Wormley is slime Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Sat, 22 Mar 2003 21:51:02 -0500 In sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Blair Houghton is slime. God sent only a small number of girls to these > physics groups > over a long period of time and most of them were slime. God has done a > good job of making these physics groups slimey. > > Blair is a not normal kind of slime. I have known some girls who liked > physics. They were like girls who did not like physics - normal. Blair is > weird. Weird slime. > > Blair is important because she helps to make these physics groups like they > are. She adds weird to the sewer. > > To me weird bad material is cursed more than bad material. Ooh! Ooh! Mister Stocklmeir! Can I be an even weirder kind of slime than Blair? Also, which is better, a small number of big girls or a big number of small girls? -- K. And if Blair is so weird, how did she start such a successful publishing company with Mifflin? And do you like Mifflin, or have you never tried it? It's good on toast, especially with weird bacon. Mmm, weird bacon... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twitch Date: Sat, 22 Mar 2003 20:43:18 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > A muscle in my very muscular upper arm has been twitching off and on > for over 24 hours now. It is very annoying. > > My wife claims she has never had a muscle twitch. I believe she may be > an alien. That's nothing. Lately my head goes "click, click, click, click" while I walk. It started doing this about two weeks ago, while I was in Ottawa. I think I have gravel in my eardrum, or a tooth cavity which has a smaller tooth rattling around inside, or death-watch beetles living in my brain, or something else equally terrifying. Does this mean I'm now only half a Tylenol from being completely insane? Or do I still have to say something about how I have disproved all mathematics if Bob Hope drinks his own urine? -- K. "Bob, give me back my urine!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Twitch Date: Mon, 24 Mar 2003 22:54:23 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That's nothing. Lately my head goes "click, click, click, click" while > > I walk. It started doing this about two weeks ago, while I was in Ottawa. > > I think I have gravel in my eardrum, or a tooth cavity which has a smaller > > tooth rattling around inside, or death-watch beetles living in my brain, > > or something else equally terrifying. > > Um . . . Kibo? Those boots we all know you're fond of wearing? They > wouldn't happen to be hob-nailed boots, would they? Not on my day off. Actually, lately I've been wearing my winter boots -- forest green molded rubber boots (Czech made, purchased in Toronto) because it was slushy here until about a week ago. If it stays warm and dry, I'll switch to my summer jackboots soon. The rubber boots have ordinary wavy moon-boot soles, my summer boots are just flat leather on the bottom. Neither have protruding hobnails, spikes, cleats, Baterangs, or melted wrestwatches sticking out of them. This is because my feet are so huge and heavy that putting metal on the outside of them would cause me to do _less_ damage when kicking. > > Does this mean I'm now only half a Tylenol from being completely insane? > > Or do I still have to say something about how I have disproved all > > mathematics if Bob Hope drinks his own urine? > > Don't worry about that. Worry if he starts drinking somebody else's > urine. Quoting without my punchline so you could say what I implied -- DIRTY POOL, OLD MAN! As punishment, you have to go into the penalty box and sit on Tie Domi's lap. -- K. I was going to say something about all the pictures of dead cows I had to look at at work today, but my keyboard isn't behaving correctly. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Nice Piece of Army Intelligence Date: Sat, 22 Mar 2003 20:41:00 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Courtesy of CNN: > > WAR 'UNLIKE ANY OTHER' > > Well thank GAWD. If wars were exactly like one another, wouldn't > everyone know in advance what was going to happen next? Wouldn't the > emenie have all our best plans? Wouldn't the outcome be assured? Or > in jeopardy? > > "I'll take "Wars Alike" for $500, Alex." Puny Earthlings! Your wars are so alike that you had to resort to numbering two of them! And you got the length of the Hundred Years War wrong! Because of your primitive reliance on using non-descriptive names for wars instead of the scientifically perfected procedure of replacing language with bar codes, we will destroy your planet with our Peace Ray, which will blow up all of you without hurting, damaging, or affecting you in any way! -- K. Also, I think it would be neat if two different World Wars broke out at the same time and then the two wars got into a war over which of them could be named World War III. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Big Explaining (2 of 3) Date: Wed, 19 Mar 2003 02:16:26 -0500 [continued from part 1] > Date: Tue, 07 Jan 2003 22:27:33 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Attention: > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > > David Pacheco (dpacheco@iname.com) wrote: > > > > [...] the definition of "preen" includes the meaning "to remove the ticks > > and chiggers from one's fur, and then post them to the Internet" > > You know, I think that might be the 21st century's most important new > e-business model. I'm going to invest fifty million dollars in it now, > as long as you promise I'll get back ten times that in exactly ten years. > It'll succeed as long as your advertising involves hiring two, not just > one, person to dress up in a big fuzzy tick suit and wander around > Manhattan bothering pedestrians. I suggest getting the Not Tim Allen > guy from the live Buzz Lightyear show at Disneyland. Once when I was in Manhattan there were people dressed as pinto beans advertising something called "beenz.com", which was just like "flooz.com" except different. Both were things where you could convert real money into pretend money via their Web site that wouldn't let you do anything with what used to be your money, or something like that. Patrick Warburton (who played Puddy on "Seinfeld") replaced Tim Allen as the voice of Buzz Lightyear in all the "Toy Story" sequels and spin-offs and live Disneyland show, as well as playing the title character in the short-lived live-action series of "The Tick". > > [...] > > Speaking of my son, he has now learned to distinguish right from wrong. > > I know this, because every time he starts toddling towards the wine > > racks with the intent to jiggle each bottle to see if it explodes, he > > looks back at me with a very serious look and says "No! No!" while > > shaking his head. I nod my head and say "That's right! Don't mess > > with daddy's liquor, you little goober, or you will come to know severe > > pain intimately, yea, even unto the seventh generation!" and he just > > keeps going. He stands there, one hand wagging a finger at me, one > > hand trying to tip the racks over, terribly serious look on his face. > > He's another child whose life will be ruined by the new 7-Up advertising > campaign. They've started printing their logo upside-down on the bottles, > and the store displays have signs that say "FLIP IT!" in Scott Kim-style > lettering that looks exactly as ugly when turned upside down. Scott Kim is an artist whose specialty is writing his name, and occasionally other people's names, in deformed letters say the same thing when you turn the page upside-down. You can read his entire life's work in about five minutes, ten if you go back and read all the names upside-down. > [...] > > He's a smart kid. I took him up to Vasquez Rocks last week, and he > > still found his way back home. > > Well, sure. All he had to do was head directly away from the "Star Trek" > fistfight music. > > I need to visit Vasquez Rock someday, now that I've been to Bronson Film Cave > (And it isn't even a cave! It's a tunnel! Why couldn't Lois Lane ever figure > out that she could just walk out the back? How come the Riddler never > wandered into the Batcave through Batman's wide-open back door?) and I've > seen the "Damnation Alley" Landmaster and the Bradbury building and > Griffith Observatory and Forrest Ackerman's house before he moved out > so, once I visit Vasquez Rock, I will have been in every place robots, > Martians, and zombies have ever been. Vazquez Rock is the crooked sandstone peak that showed up on "Star Trek" many times (especially in the clips in "Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey") and plenty of other things. "The Flintstones In Viva Rock Vegas" had it in the background of every location they went to (different Styrofoam buildings in front of the same damn rock, just how dumb are "Flintstones" fans supposed to be?) Bronson Film Cave was the Batcave, and Electra-Woman's Electra-Cave, and Superman saved Lois Lane from it over and over in the 1950s, and it's really a tunnel, not a cave. Those are two of the items on the list of things I never need to see on TV again. Sure, I love Adam West, but I wish he'd move into a cave that wasn't shared with all the other superheroes. > > [...] > > Once you meet transdimensional Kibo, you will understand the pain > > that can only be achieved by making a pun across all known coordinates > > of space, time and nougat. > > I don't use coordinates for my puns, because it's too hard to find words > that sound like "Garanimals" but stupider. Garanimals were polyester clothes for children where the tops and bottoms were all guaranteed to match as long as they were both from the "giraffe" palette or one of the other one or two color schemes represented by animals. A couple other companies have tried this same scheme of making whole departments of stores color-coordinated so that preschoolers would never have to be embarrassed by clashing shirts and pants, but these attempts (such as the Sears/McDonalds "McKids" product line of ketchup-colored toddler wear) are usually doomed to failure for obvious reasons. (Women with kids don't have time to worry about their kids wearing clashing colors, and very few men with kids care about color harmony, except in the states where kids are allowed to have two daddies.) > Date: Tue, 07 Jan 2003 22:57:02 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: [TWAT]: Genetically engineered soldiers > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.fan.beable > > Just once I'd like to see [a movie] based on a more interesting theme. > For instance, a movie based on the theme from "Happy Days" would be a > good one. I'm not saying it would have to have Fonzie or anything. > Just a lot of shots of cameras zooming in and out on a jukebox while > Anson Williams sings "The weekend comes! The cycle hums! Ready to > race to you!" and you'll know the movie is over the moment John "Bowtie" > Barstow joins in and immediately forgets all the words. John "Bowtie" Barstow is the only human alive to have recorded a vanity album where he sings worse than I will on my vanity album. And I was even planning to sing the "Happy Days" theme before I discovered he had already done it. And boy is he bad. (You can hear him singing it on the third "Annoying Music Show" CD, "Music For People". He's all over the other two as well.) The "Happy Days" theme has been running through my head in weird mutations lately because I just got back from a two-week vacation in Canada where every TV channel, every five minutes, played a Coke commercial with some folk song about hockey ("the tension grows, the whistle blows, the puck goes down the ice") which started repeating in my brain against my will and the only chance I have of killing it is to encourage it to keep turning into the "Happy Days" song (the two have the same scansion) so now I get "the tension grows, the whistle blows, the puck goes down the ice; the weekend comes, a cycle hums, ready to race to you!") At one of the hockey games I was at, they played that song, and the crowd sang along with it very loudly -- unlike "O Canada" where only a few people seemed to be attempting to sing along with the official national anthem, which has now been displaced by the Coke commercial about hockey. This is one of the many reasons how we can tell Canada will never become sophisticated enough to become part of the United States. > -- K. > > Anson Williams could direct > the movie about the talking > dolphin people! No, wait, > I'm sure he'd never be so > desperate as to direct something > with a squeaky-voiced dolphin. > Unless it also had Roy Scheider > with dried-up Snack Pack fudge > pudding all over his face. Anson Williams (who played Potsie on "Happy Days") directed several episodes of NBC's "seaQuest DSV", the show with the talking dolphin and Hungarian William Shatner. The first two seasons starred Roy Scheider (before he got fired for telling everyone in the world that he was trapped on a stupid sucky show) who always performs encased in some sort of thick protective layer of wrinkly brown glop that's designed to cover all the character ravines in his face while simultaneously giving him the skin tone of someone who had a horrible accident with Clairol Just For Men Hair Coloring For Men. If you combined Roy Scheider's goppy brown skin, William Shatner's double-knit polyester hair, Barbara Bain's deli-sliced nose, and Dom DeLuise's fat ass, you'd get a science fiction show titled "EWWWWW!!!!" But "Electra-Woman And Dyna-Girl" already flashed a big "EW" on the screen whenever Electra-Woman drove her Pringle-shaped golf cart through Bronson Film Cave, so maybe this show would have to be called "THE ALL-NEW EWWWWW!!!!" > Date: Thu, 09 Jan 2003 05:51:31 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Black Market Liquid Food > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > > [...] > > Did you at least ask if it was regular Ensure, Ensure Plus, or new > Double Ensure With Nuggets? And why weren't the truly awful flavors, > such as that Butter Pecan one, available? > > Also, it's mean of you not to tell us what you know about that asteroid > that's going to wash away the Statue Of Liberty's head and will kill us > all unless we outrun the tidal wave on a moped unless we get caught up > in the heated office politics concerning who gets the graveyard-shift > newsreader job on Microsoft's lame TV news channel. This is about the movie "Deep Impact", which was an attempt to make the same movie as "Armageddon" except all chick-flicked up with serious maudlin stuff and lots of product placements for Ensure, MSNBC, Ensure, and more Ensure. Also, Easy Reader got to be President. "With Nuggets" is a reference to my favorite drain-opener, "Fast-Acting Double Agent With Nuggets". Ensure is a canned slurry which is a special dietetic blend intended to be used by people who are trying to lose weight, or by people who are trying to gain weight, depending on which end of the can you open to get at the placebo inside. It tastes like Yoo-Hoo with salad oil in it, because it is Yoo-Hoo with salad oil in it. > Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 03:24:44 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Me and my wire. > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > > Short shameful confession: > > I mail-ordered a big coil of wire. It came wrapped up as a flat circular > package three feet in diameter. I had it sent to my office because this > is the sort of thing my apartment's mailroom could have lost, given that > it was only three feet across. > > As I was carrying the big white disc out of the office, more than one > person asked me if it was a shield. > > My one regret in life is that I said "No, it's my cool new belt buckle" > and did not think of yelling "HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF INDULGING IN > HOPLOMACHIAN ACTIVITY?" until I was already out the door. "hoplomachian" means something related to a hoplomachus. A "hoplomachus" (Latin) is a gladiator dressed as a hoplite. A "hoplite" (Greek) is a soldier with a spear and a round shield. So here we have a perfectly good English word which points at a Latin word which points to a Greek word, and this trifecta had been waiting over 2,000 years for me to be able to say it, and I missed my chance, and now I will never get to use the word "hoplomachian" in conversation. Also it says something about me that when I carry oddly-shaped wrapped items, people assume they must be weaponry suitable for use with a time machine. > Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 04:11:22 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: ATTENTION ZIXIA AND JOE MANFRE > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > > [...] > > I don't think my office even has a code of conduct. Last I saw, > they barely even had a piranha, so fat chance of them ever being able > to enforce a code of conduct. (It's a bad sign when fish lie down, right?) The piranha died while I was on vacation (I wrote that when I was on my way to Canada.) They had propped him up so that at least he was upright while sitting on the bottom of the tank, but the last time I saw him (the day before I wrote that) he had stopped breathing and the goldfish were exacting a horrible revenge upon him. I saw a TV commercial for red-belly piranhas while I was in Ottawa, but since I was travelling by plane I didn't feel like trying to smuggle a replacement piranha back into the country. > Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 04:17:52 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Whoah! Trippy! > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > > [...] > > I should point out that I've never taken Advil, therefore I can't > be insane... YET. A popular urban legend: If you've taken more than a certain number of Tylenols in your lifetime, you're legally insane. > Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 04:47:28 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: The War! I am mentioning... The War! > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > > [...] > > I would like the war to start a few days from now, while I am deep > in the Diefenbunker. Also I want it to be a nuclear war because that > would be okay, as long as the war starts OUTSIDE the Diefenbunker > while I am inside. > > Incidentally, for the next couple weeks, I'm going to be out of the > country, in an undisclosed location which may or may not have Mounties > riding caribou while playing hockey and calling Fruit By The Foot > "Fruit-O-Long". So expect me to make some posts about whatever > disturbing local equivalent of Harry Stinson is shown on the local > TV channels of this undisclosed location (which may or may not be > near the Diefenbunker) assuming that Canada now has Internet access. > WHOOPS! I JUST LEAKED THAT I WAS GOING TO CANADA! Great, now the whole You can read all about the Diefenbunker and everything else I saw in the Ottawa/Gatineau area in the three-part classic "Kibo Goes To Ottawa", except for the stuff I'm saying about Ottawa here. I can't decide who the local equivalent of Harry Stinson (from Toronto, remember?) would be, unless it's the Ottawa 67s' scary mascot of a guy encased in a big black blob of foam rubber that's supposed to be an evil hockey puck with giant teeth. But I think even that's not as weird-looking as Harry Stinson. He could be in the Canadian version of "EWWWWW!!!!", titled "EWWWWW!!!!, EH?" > Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 05:02:26 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: St. Stupid Day Parade > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > > Wiblur the Once (jchapman@aros.net) wrote: > > > > Is anyone going to the St. Stupid Parade in San Francisco on April 1? > > [...] > > Sounds like fun, but I don't think I want to leave the United States > again so soon. Besides, wouldn't it be funnier if they held St. Stupid > parades in really normal places, like Minneapolis or St. Louis? > Or better yet, if they held a St. Louis parade in St. Stupid at the same time? > > If they held one of those St. Stupid In A Really Unpleasantly Normal City > parades in Cincinnati, I'd go just so I could be in the parade in a > rocking chair on top of a Cadillac, shouting "CADILLAC ROCKING CHAIR > CINCINNATI! CADILLAC ROCKING CHAIR CINCINNATI!" because every neurologist > knows that saying "CADILLAC ROCKING CHAIR CINCINNATI!" means you don't > have a brain tumor. > > (I still can't believe that, in that incident years ago, one of the > other questions was "Who is the current Vice President?" There must > be lots of people who get unnecessary lobotomies because of that one. > I think they dropped that question from the American version of > "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" because their questions don't go up > to $2,000,000.) I've written about the "Cadillac, rocking chair, Cincinnati" incident many times before, so I don't think I need to repeat it again, except that I like to do that anyway because it helps me remember "Cadillac, rocking chair, Cincinnati" so that I won't have to have brain surgery. Whether or not you can remember those three words is one of the tests they give you while making a snap diagnosis as to whether you have a brain tumor or have just had a mysterious intense pain in one side of your head for the last three days for a perfectly normal reason. > [...] > P.P.S. E, FP, TOZ, LPED, PECFD, EDFCZP. > And the bottom line begins with PEZ, > but I don't know the flavor. That's the Snellen chart used by eye doctors, especially ones in old movies. You should memorize it in case you ever go blind and then decide to join the Army. I've forgotten the name of the other two common types of eye charts (the one with "C"s going in eight directions and the one with the "E"s going in four directions.) The latter was a real pain for me as a child because when the school nurse tested us for vision problems, we weren't allowed to just say "down" or point the direction the "E" was pointing, we had to say "table" if it was going down and "window" if it was going left and "door" if it was going to the right, or some other arbitrary set of four similar pieces of furniture that didn't really look like "E"s. This memory puzzle was like trying to do a Rubik's Cube with an extra rule that said that if you didn't solve it immediately you'd be given nerd glasses. [to be concluded in part 3] ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Big Explaining (3 of 3) Date: Sat, 22 Mar 2003 20:27:22 -0500 [related to my shopping habits, small objects made of weird metal, and the purchasing and/or vending thereof] Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Matt McIrvin won't tell, either, so don't anyone waste your time > > > asking him. But I hope Kibo's busy-ness is not at all related > > > to all the wire, keychain, and lobster claw purchasing he's been > > > doing lately. > > > > Sounds like he's decorating for a wedding. > > The question is just whether he's decorating for his wedding, or YOURS. > > Kibo mentioned years ago that as the leader of his own cult he had the > power to marry anyone he wanted to Bob Hope. Actually, after Kibo was > dissolved in acid and rebuilt by a multiethnic street gang, his advanced > options for 2003 include Super Pursuit Matrimony, or the Hellbouquet, > in which, when nearly defeated, he spins around at great speed and > shoots marriage in all directions at everyone standing in his vicinity. > The result is a lot like the ending of a Shakespeare comedy except > without all the puns about horns. Or actually with all the puns about > horns only now they have rubber squeeze bulbs on them and are honked by > clowns. The clowns of marriage. If there is an odd number of people > then the one left over gets married to Honk, the lovable alien sidekick > from Sid and Marty Krofft's "Far Out Space Nuts." You forgot the part about snapping a hardened eggplant in half and the one who gets the bigger piece also wins a free bonus marriage to every one of the Replacement Potsies from the final nine seasons of "Happy Days". > I hope you're getting all this down. The question is whether we're keeping it down. > I am running out of stuff to say. Here is a picture of a cat jumping in > the air. > > http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/radka_leaps.jpg > > My Dean Martin impression is too bad to actually perform. He was terrible at telling puns about horns. But good with porn about huns. -- K. The phrase "rubber squeeze bulbs" always seems like it should have given Thomas Edison an idea to make electric illumination kinkier. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Big Explaining (3 of 3) Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2003 21:55:52 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > John McHugh (j_mchugh@excite.com) wrote: > > > > Out of curiosity, is there anyone else using a handheld or > > similar device to read USENET? I mean, sure the interface sucks, > > I can't get a monospaced font for Joe Bay's pretty drawings, and > > the line wrap breaks Kibo's signature, but now I can take you > > imaginary people ANYWHERE!!! And there's nothing you can do > > about it. > > You mean, like an abacus, or Etch-a-Sketch? No, no, nobody would ever... My new computer is the same size as and looks exactly like an albino Etch-A-Sketch, except I think the Etch-A-Sketch had better ventilation. I wanted one of those little Sony PictureBooks (the ones that look like a small laptop computer with the top half of the screen cut off) except that because this was an emergency replacement (my iBook broke while I was in a weird country) I just got another (smaller, cheaper) iBook so I could move all my stuff onto it and be up and running the next day. (I don't expect to buy any more computers from Apple, even if they do any more clever things like hiring that guy who invented the Internet.) Does it strike anyone else as suspicious that Al Gore became an Apple board member the same say that George W. Bush pushed the button that started blowing up Iraq? Do you think maybe Bush got confused between "Iraq" and "iMac" and Compaq's "iPaq" and especially the Lite Brite- powere computer from "Wonder Woman", "IRAC"? Incidentally, today on the subway, there was a guy holding a piece of brown cardboard with "FUCK BUSH" written sloppily across it. I looked around to see if George W. Bush was also going towards Harvard on the Red Line, but he wasn't there, so I guess he won't get the message and stop the war instantly. (sound of phone being dialed) "Hello, Pentagon? This is George... We've gotta stop the war. I saw a guy with a sign." "What sort of sign, Mr. President?" "All rectangular and stuff, and the letters were bigger than the ones on TV. They looked like they were written with something." "I see. But, Mr. President, I'm looking out one of the windows here in the basement of the Pentagon, and I see a guy with a large, shiny, professionally-made sign which says 'YAY BUSH!' so it overrides you, Mr. President." "Oh. Is it a real sign, with letters and words too?" "Yes, Mr. President. And it even has an exclamation point." "Well, if you say there's an explanation point, then I guess we have to keep having the war." "Excellent, sir. And one more thing... what subway train did you say you were on?" "The red one. Near that station that smells." "Okay, just one moment... (sound of coordinates being typed into a missile targeting system) Don't worry, Mr. President, that hippie won't bother America again." "Yay! But, and this is just a hypnotheatrical question, what if one of those sneaky protesters tricked me into wearing a 'GIVE PEACE A CHANCE' T-shirt? Would you have to nuke me too?" "We'd consult Mr. Cheney, Mr. President." "Oh, that's all right then. By the way, how did the Pentagon get its name? What's it named after?" "Itself, Mr. President." "But I thought _I_ was named after _myself_." "That's different, Mr. President." (The conversation continues for several more hours, because political humor is so easy to write, especially when it's as profound as this.) So, that's why protesters are silly. -- K. My position on any political matter is determined entirely by what the sloppy cardboard signs say. If someone waved a "VOTE FOR THE BLUE M&M" sign in my face, I'd run right out and vote for there to be nothing but brown M&Ms. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Big Explaining (3 of 3) Date: Thu, 20 Mar 2003 21:25:39 -0500 Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And then there was the time I invented a gun that caused Rip Torn to > > be Rip Taylor, and vice versa. I tested it during the middle of > > an episode of "The Larry Sanders Show": > > I just saw Rip Torn in another fine Z-grade movie he's lent his name to, > "Robocop 3". It was particularly pathetic because you could tell that Rip > Torn's scenes were done separately from the rest of the filming - the film > quality was so different, it was as though they had a dark lens on poor > Rip. And he was the only person in any of his shots, so you got the > impression that Rip was suffering from the heartbreak of stinky armpits > and no other Z-grade actors would go near him. That was one of those very special movies which was released before they finished filming it, like "Alien 3" and "Super Mario Brothers" and especially "Tank Girl". In this case, it was only released because the studio went bankrupt so they HAD to release their factory rejects ("RoboCop 3" had been sitting in the vault for about a year and a half.) I wouldn't call "RoboCop 3" Z-grade because, hey, watch "Tank Girl". But "RoboCop 3" was still around V- or W-grade. You can tell it has pieces missing because it's full of plot points that don't connect to anything (for instance, the girl with the laptop computer programs the evil robot to obey her but then they never actually have a big payoff for that, it just opens a door, no big fight scene attached. A big deal is made out of RoboCop getting a jetpack, and at the end of the movie we see him use it for about two seconds.) I gather they filmed just enough of the money shots in order to make the movie sort of releasable, so while it does have action scenes, they're merely a few token shots of stuff happening, padded out with endless scenes of people talking. And the continuity is all screwed up, a sure sign of attempts to salvage a defective film -- watch the ninja's broken jaw appear and disappear from shot to shot. Who the hell thought it would be impressive to have RoboCop fight a freakin' ninja? Why was RoboCop to stupid to figure out that he could just blow up the ninja, other than that they made the mistake of trying to aim this movie at children when we know that the real Paul Verhoeven brand RoboCop would have just blown up twelve city blocks to take out the ninja along with assorted other people? Oh, and I'd like to add, the Band family's "RoboJox" (eventually released under the title "Robot Jox" to avoid a trademark lawsuit) is actually better than "RoboCop 3" even though it's quite stupid and has a flying car made entirely from folded cardboard and there's the alleged Russian guy who yells "I WEEL KRUSH YIEW, LIYEK BUGGG!" during the thrilling futuristic competition to see who can climb to the top of monkey bars that a shaking camera is looking at. But the Band family gets a brownie point for filming the whole movie before releasing it, unlike "RoboCop 3". And then there's "The Core", which has now missed three or four release dates, because the studio thought the special effects needed reworking, or they wanted to change the premise, or they have to decide what to do about the scene of the Space Shuttle crashing, or they thought people weren't in the mood to see a bad movie. You can tell what time of year it is by which of the various trailers for "The Core" gets aired then yanked -- last fall I kept seeing the one about how Earth was "overdue" for a magnetic pole reversal and now I'm getting the one about how some sort of secret earthquake-producting weapon is "out of control" (you know, as opposed to those tightly-controlled earthquakes.) Posters started appearing about two years ago and keep resurfacing. So it remains to be seen precisely what will be left of the movie by the time they release it, assuming they ever do. Unless, of course, the people who are writing the trailers haven't seen the movie and are just guessing at random premises every time this stinker almost gets released. But I'm fully expecting it to be defective in some major way due to all this foot-dragging and tinkering by the studio. > > And I still can't find a seven-ounce Figgy Fizz bottle cap, even on eBay. > > As a kid, the two neatest things ever were the rock with the glowy- > stones on "Lost in Space", and Bert's bottle cap collection. I had > a fascination with objects with shiny, candy-like buttons. My theory is > that this messed-up childhood is why I like computers so much. If only > the keypads were designed by Sid and Marty Kroftt! Ah, so you're the target audience of that Jolly Rancher commercial. -- K. I should say something stupid here, but I won't because this morning I ran out of stupid. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Big Explaining (3 of 3) Date: Wed, 19 Mar 2003 02:16:28 -0500 [continued from part 2] > Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 05:19:12 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Announcement, Includes Bitterness > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > > [...] > > As I used to say about Matt & Samantha's Anne Geddes picture before I > yanked it off their bathroom wall, "BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BABIES ON THE BOTTOM?" The photo (which was there when they moved in) was of a row of five unhappy babies (in tight-fitting rubber bathing caps) peering over the side of an old-fashioned bathtub that was much too tall for them unless there was a second layer of babies underneath. > I keep thinking Anne Geddes should get together with William Wegman > and produce hundreds of identical photos of sad-looking dogs dressed > as unhappy babies dressed as sad-looking dogs. Also throw in Louis Wain > so the dogs dressed as babies dressed as dogs will really be > dogs dressed as babies dressed as dogs dressed as cats who are on fire > in the fourth dimension. And add just a pinch of M.C. Escher so that > they can all be falling down the stairs in different directions at > the same time. Oh, and add in a Matthew Paris drawing so that in the > background there can be a knight with super-skinny legs, a tiny squire > and a horse with really great hair. photos of babies in humiliating outfits, usually dressed as insects or vegetables ------------> Anne Geddes photos of dogs in outfits that would humiliate them if dogs were capable of humiliation -----------------> William Wegman paintings of hallucinations of nine-dimensional rainbow-colored cats spitting flame at you ----------> Louis Wain engravings of staircases that defy the laws of logic and aren't drawn by Piranesi ---------------> M.C. Escher prominent medieval watercolor artist who had lots of fun with the relative sizes of things to show different degrees of importance ---------------------> Matthew Paris > And right now, I just heard that Mr. Rogers died, so put him in too so > that the tiny squire can be on top of a giant castle made from an > oatmeal can painted blue, while a guy in a sweater spies on the palace > intrigue through a trolley tunnel. guy who knew how to be really surreal without ever disturbing children ----------------------------> Fred Rogers > Date: Thu, 27 Feb 2003 23:22:48 -0500 > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: Announcement, Includes Bitterness > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > > [...] > > What if Matthew Paris and Maxfield Parrish switched places? I think it > would go something like this: > > (sound of a lot of Crusaders fighting hippies) I'd just like to say that I've studied the style and linework of one of those two artists in great detail, and the Crusaders have crushed the hippies. TAKE THAT, ABSTRACT EXPRESSIONISM! > And then there was the time I invented a gun that caused Rip Torn to > be Rip Taylor, and vice versa. I tested it during the middle of > an episode of "The Larry Sanders Show": > > > GARRY SHANDLING > Do you think that woman from the network thinks my ass looks big? > > RIP TORN > What that bitch needs is a good kick in the nuts! That's how I > dealt with Lucille Ball, and that's -- > > (ZAPPING NOISE) > > RIP TAYLOR > (holding up a telegram with a noose wrapped around it) > Look! A wire hanger! It's a *WIRE* *HANGER*! > (he holds up a baby grand piano dressed as a corporate executive) > Look! Baby on board! *BABY* on *BOARD*! Get it? > > GARRY SHANDLING > Hey, didn't you used to be evil in a funny way, instead of being > not-funny in an evil way? > > > ...but that project was abandoned because, unlike the Matthew Paris / > Maxfield Parrish switcheroo, it wouldn't improve the world of > fine art prints. I'm still working on an orbital space laser that > can turn William Wegman into Wil Wheaton, so that his dogs won't > look so bored. Rip Taylor is that "comedian" who likes to throw confetti while screaming and doing more or less the same stuff as Carrot Top, except much gayer (but not as gay as the other guy with the same name as Carrot Top) but, of the three, Rip Taylor has the biggest orange glam wig. I think they turned him down for the role of the Mad Hatter on "Batman" because he was too campy. Rip Torn is a very talented actor who had a great character on "The Larry Sanders Show" (which also featured the not-Carrot-Top Scott Thompson.) Rip Torn had a Rip Taylor wig when he was in one of the "Airplane" movies just to confuse everyone, including Batman. Wil Wheaton is some guy who was on "Star Trek". He is wholly unrelated to "seaQuest" in any way, and therefore can be held above reproach, and is not to be confused with the cheap imitation of his "Star Trek" character who hung out with the talking dolphin. However, Wil Wheaton did appear in a German TV pilot for something called "Mr. Stitch", where he had pink and tan and brown patches painted all over his body, just like one of Dom DeLuise's sons on "seaQuest", so forget the "above reproach" part. He's just as tightly connected to "seaQuest" as Barbara Bain or Barry Van Dyke, if not more so. "Mr. Stitch" was created by Roger Avary, who co-wrote the brilliant "Pulp Fiction". The movie in which John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson have the most brilliant dialogue about hamburgers ever. > [...] I'm sure Bob Keeshan > only had Slim Goodbody on his > show because someone was holding > a gun to Bunny Rabbit's head. Slim Goodbody is this guy who looked sort of like Richard Simmons only with a longer face and somehow managed to have just as much wacky exuberance without seeming as gay as Richard Simmons, Rip Taylor, or that talking dolphin. He taught kids about nutrition and exercise and not doing drugs by prancing ar