From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Last Days Of The Crazy People's Supermarket. Date: Wed, 23 Apr 2003 00:06:28 -0400 As habitual readers know, I like to shop at a supermarket where insane people also like to shop. The one underneath the Prudential building, late at night. Where, in the past, I have bumped into some appallingly interesting characters. But tonight was different. Hardly any crazy people! And hardly any employees! And hardly any food! It was like that scene in "Damnation Alley" where the nuclear war has left the Circus Circus casino standing but there's nobody in it. I couldn't go to the Prudential Star Market yesterday because apparently every year Boston has some quaint little footrace which shuts down everything along the 26-mile route, including my home, my office, and my local market. So instead I went today. Little did I know that it was probably to be my last visit to the infamous "L"-shaped Prudential Star. About two-thirds of the shelves were empty, as the store is in the process of winding down. For the past several months, the replacement market has been under construction. It's a block away from the marathon route to guarantee they never get blocked by the marathon, with the minor side effect that they'll be completely invisible to everyone on Boylston Street, just like the Stop & Shop nobody could see from Massachusetts Avenue -- it went broke and changed into a Bread & Circus, not that anyone can tell because the market is invisible behind boring stores nobody wants to walk past. The Shaw's supermarket chain acquired the Star supermarket chain a few years ago, and most of the other Star markets have been rebranded "Shaw's", except for the "L"-shaped one, because they didn't want to pay for a sign they were only going to use until they vacated the premises (apparently signs are not portable.) So, the market which is closing is one of the last "Star" markets around. The shell of the new market already has a "Shaw's" sign up. The Shaw's logo seems to be undergoing a secret mutation. The current logo is the word "Shaw's" in orange letters, with the "a" shaped like this: ########### ############ ##### ##### #### #### ##### ##### ########### ##### #### But on the not-yet-open market, the logo has this "a": ######### ########### #### ########### ##### ##### ############ ###### #### The other letters are unchanged, so apparently Shaw's thinks that slanted Roman vowels have more sales appeal than italic vowels. At least they're not going back to the logo they had before these two, in which the first "S" was all stretched out so that it could be pooping out vegetables (apparently it was an italicized cornucopia.) I am pleased to be the first one to bring the news of Shaw's new "a" to the Internet, as the Shaw's Web site still shows the logo with the old "a". (The site informs me that I should shop at Star/Shaw's because "We have reduced our energy usage per square foot by 10%", which I think means that they're admitting that their frozen food is usually squishy. Also they are proudly advertising irradiated beef, which I think is their way of letting me know they're going to see if they can get their electricity bill down to zero, keeping the meet fresh by having a guy in a lead suit wave a pitchblende rock over the beef once a week. Anyhow, I expect to be buying soggy frozen food at the almost-but-not-quite Prudential Shaw's instead of the directly-under-Prudential Star soon. (The old market is holding up the basement of the Prudential skyscraper, while the new market is between Hooters and Dick's Last Resort.) Oh, incidentally, while I was walking to the market, a woman leaned out of a car and yelled "DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GET TO HOOTERS?" and it took a real effort of will for me not to yell back "TRY GETTING BREAST IMPLANTS!" -- K. That's what I get for watching all those "Match Game" reruns. I need to lock out that channel before I start re-enacting classic Charles Nelson Reilly / Brett Somers cattiness in public. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Last Days Of The Crazy People's Supermarket. Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:35:42 +0200 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > For the past several months, the replacement market has been under > > construction. > > So are they going to have brand spanking new divider bars, or are they going > to recycle the divider bars from the old store? > > And did you rip off any of the divider bars from the old store? You know, as > a collector's item? The old store, as you would remember if you had been paying attention to me continuously for 14 years without ever once paying attention to anyone else, seldom had divider bars because they would keep vanishing to be replaced by other divider bars, rolled-up brown paper bags with the words "DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR" written on them, or most typically, the simple absence of divider bars. So I don't think they moved the divider bars because they probably already lost them. Also, oddly, they did not seem to move any of the groceries. They just sold off as much of the stock as they could. Meats and deli items had $1.00 coupons attached, and the other stuff they just left on the shelves as the shelves emptied. I was in there again two days ago, and there was little left, but I picked up some bargains. But yesterday was the big day. The new market -- whose name is officially, and I am not making this up, "Shaw's In The City" -- had delivered to every doorstop in my neighborhood a free copy of the Boston Globe to ensure that we got the flyer about yesterday's grand opening (and they also mailed out coupons for free Goldfish crackers.) I went there on the first day, and it is a significantly larger market than the old one (with the usual modern frills like an upstairs coffee bar, more produce, etc.) but on the whole it's not that big a deal. Instead of the old market's convenient "L" shape (which forced me to go past the Twisted Whiskers greeting cards every time I wanted to get anything edible) the new market is an irregular blob of some sort -- I haven't learned the layout yet, but it's not any rectilinear shape, and aisles intersect, terminate, and angle strangely. I told the cashier that it was nice to be there on the first day before the market started smelling funny like the Super 88, and she handed me a comment form. My only comment with regards to the comment form is that there's a really hideous "Y" on the front of it because it was apparently typeset twenty years ago on some photo-lettering machine equipped with a mutant version of Times Semibold Italic that someone had drawn really gangly swashes all over (even the "o" had been redrawn and ruined.) As to the name, "Shaw's In The City" -- naming a supermarket after a cable TV show that was popular three years ago is not a good idea. This means that we'll probably see markets named with semi-puns on the titles of other HBO shows, like "The Soupranos", "Mr. Shop", and "Queer As Fruit". Now that I've had more time to inspect the new logo (with the slanted roman "a") versus the old logo (with the cursive "a") and the ancient logo (with the orange diarrhea) I'd have to say I like the old logo best. In addition to changing the "a" to an awkward-looking form, the other letters (and the two little leaves which represent the apostrophe because the entire logo is supposed to be a really deformed orange) have all been redrawn with slightly different details, to make the lettering a little lighter and with sharper corners. But it worked fine when the letters were stocky and round-cornered, and those letters were well-drawn, but the new ones don't have as much oomph and aren't well- executed. For instance, the arch of the old "h" was more fluid than the new one, and the old "w" had two heavy strokes and one light stroke (suggesting cursive) while the new one has three identical medium strokes (suggesting a designer who was trying to remove all the personality.) -- K. I apologize for the awkward writing style of this article, but I don't have enough time to do justice to this important subject. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gas Station Sign Seen Today Date: Sat, 26 Apr 2003 10:37:35 +0200 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > "Magic Drink, 2/$1.00" > > Does Kibo know anything about this? No, but I'll tell you more if you give me two fifty-cent pieces. Please mail them to Paris, because apparently I am in Paris, because my computer says that's the only time zone left on Earth thanks to some internal bug which destroyed twenty-three twenty-fourths of the world. I think it might be SARS, or worse, AIDSARS. So my apologies if this is posted from 10:37am Paris time instead of 4:37am Boston time, because my computer is stuck in France. -- K. I hear that SARS is just swine flu renamed. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Who voted for him? Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 05:59:55 +0200 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com) wrote: > > This Donald Rumsfeld joker who thinks that only one vase was looted > from Baghdad, who voted for him? As far as I can find out, he hasn't > been elected since before 1969. What's the deal with that? The best thing about all of Baghdad's five-thousand-and-up-years-old antiquities being stolen is that the tablets with stuff like the Code Of Hammurabi are gone. It's the oldest law ever written down, or rather it WAS, because YAY, WE ARE NO LONGER BOUND BY THE CODE OF HAMMURABI! Now we can stop letting our cats stare at our thrones. > Also be careful at http://www.senate.gov/. They've got some > pretty strict alt tags: > > "The seal is kept in the custody of the Secretary of the > Senate. Unauthorized use of this image is prohibited by law." > > Yeah, just put it on the web and then get all upset if anybody pinches > a copy. Do they give you 24 hours to clear your browser cache? What if > you used a proxy server? There could be heaps of Senate Seals in there. Also, I'm sure that looking at the source code of the Senate's Web page is a crime of some sort. Which is why they make you look at the source code to find out what's illegal, because that way it can just say "YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL NOW, PRESS ENTER TO CONTINUE." -- K. Real bank errors are seldom in your favor. And why do I only ever win second prize in these imaginary beauty contests? I'm starting to think that "Monopoly" is not an accurate model of the world in which we live. I'm switching to "The Game Of Life". Or "Stratego". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why did I save this spread from the paper? Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:02:18 +0200 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > For some reason there was a photo spread about the life of Bob Hope in > the paper and I decided to put it to one side for later. (I have no idea > why it was in an Austrian paper as most people here wouldn't really know > him that much.) > > Why did I do this? You bought it so that you could put it to one side. Every question contains its own answer and you owe me ten dollars. Thank you, come again. -- K. HA! HA! I'M ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE PSYCHIATRIST'S COUCH NOW! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hope Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:04:52 +0200 [on the recent discovery that CNN's Web site contained publicly-viewable obituaries for Bob Hope etc. saying they had all died in 2001] Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > "In other news today, Dick Cheney, The Pope, Gerald Ford, > Bob Hope, Ronald Reagan, Nelson Mandela and Fidel Castro > were all killed in a freak gasoline fight accident. Mister > Cheney was the first American to become Queen Consort of > the United Kingdom and was also its favorite grandmother." But then how do you explain that all the others except Ronald Reagan were also Queen Consort of the United Kingdom? It's somewhat plausible in Bob Hope's case, as he's British (and his real name is Leslie) and I can't imagine a British person named Leslie NOT mincing around in a pink tulle dress and going to special parties with Ginger from "The Tomorrow People". I know all British people are drag queens because I've seen every episode of "Benny Hill". Most of the other recent hoopla over Bob Hope being still not dead is because it's the start of a month-and-a-half-long celebration of the fact that he's a hundred years old, or as any reputable news agency would put it, "For the past century, people have been wondering how long ago it's been since he was the world's most brilliant humorist," followed by clips of him telling cutting-edge political satire about how President Eisenhower is only sort of good at golf. And remember, America's military personnel don't do anything important! But Bob Hope, he's the greatest man who ever lived because he told jokes to them, and was then airlifted the hell out of there before the battle resumed! How dare those soldiers impose on the great Bob Hope to entertain them, if they were real heroes they'd be tap-dancing with Phyllis Diller while Bob Hope fought Hitler! -- K. The truly sad thing is that Bob Hope has outlived Dennis Miller's brain. Dennis Miller ACTUALLY used to be funny. But then he started endorsing Bob Hope, THE GREATEST PERSON WHO EVER LIVED! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Spoon! Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:09:53 +0200 Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I bought a Lexan backpacking spoon. For some reason that is the funniest sentence I've heard today. > It won't shatter like regular plastic, and it's slightly lighter > than metal. What about beryllium? The Joker made a whole flying saucer from it that was light enough to be supported by a single string. And what about metallic antimatter? Nothing's lighter than anti-metals. Except for anti-spoons, but there's no such thing as anti-spoons. (And speaking of light metals, believe it or not, at this very moment I'm on the Green Line with a bag of titanium SpaghettiOs. Okay, they're not actually SpaghettiOs, but I bet they're more hyo-allergenic than real SpaghettiOs. If you can even use the words "real" and "SpaghettiOs" together.) > Then I realized I paid $2.50 for a plastic spoon, and I felt sad. Plastic spoons are the best kind. Me and Billy Bob Thornton agree. Plastic spoons good, metal spoons bad. Also me and him, we've got the same skull, but we split on Benjamin Disraeli's hair -- Billy Bob has a phobia about Disraeli's hairstyle, and I've got Disraeli's hairstyle. So this is how you can tell me and the guy from "Armageddon" apart. > Then I realized I am a genius, again. Yes, Miss Granola-Eater, you > see right. I wield a LUXURY HIGH-PERFORMANCE LEXAN BACKPACKING SPOON. I may be from Schenectady, but _you_ own a spoon made by General Electric. ("Lexan" is a General Electric trademark, if your spoon had been made by Dow it would be "Lucite", and evil in a different way. If your spoon were from England it would be "Perspex", and remember that you can't spell "Perspex" without "sex".) Just think, somewhere there are guys in overalls and General Electric hard hats pouring molten slurry into 55-gallon drums, saying "Move yer ass! We gotta ship this raw Lexan to the flatware factory or there will never be enough Lexan backpacking soons!" And then I come in and remind them that "General Electric" officially changed their name to "GE" to save them time during their conversations. But then they realize I used to be a Teamster but I'm not anymore so I don't know which side of the union issue they'd be on but they'd beat me up for either being in the Teamsters or not being in the Teamsters. Also, the word "flatware" bothers me because it implies that us poor people eat with completely flat spoons so the soup slides off because we can't afford the fancy kind of silverware which is round all over. > I can afford the finer things. For $2.50. The spoon's a loss leader. It's the super-sharp plastic knife that'll cost you. Someone has to carve all those little zigzags into the edge. > In other news, my real pseudonym is Flesh-tor, I'm bitter because my > life is slightly closer to what I deserve than to what I'm entitled > to, and I have to lie to be true to myself, so nothing I say is really > a lie. Last night I learned to see beyond the dirt on the outside of my refrigerator, into the miraculous infinite universe beyond. I gotta stop staring at white plastic surfaces with a fake sheepskin texture in low light when I'm overtired and starting to hallucinate. Also, WHY does my refrigerator have a sort of sheepskin texture stamped all over the outside of it? And WHY am I turning into Benjamin Disraeli? -- K. And how come when Superman melts titanium bars with his heat vision, it never turns all purple and stripey? Are we supposed to believe he has MAGICAL heat vision that can melt titanium without anodizing it? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: OW my toof Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:11:20 +0200 "circadian rhyme" (^#*&$@ennui.org) wrote: > > Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > All my wisdom teeth came in mostly straight > > But they came out ALL GAY! STARRING! Tom Kraemer as Charles Nelson Reilly! WITH! Circadian Rhyme as Brett Somers! AND! Kibo! AS! Robin Williams! AS! Mork! IN! "Mork & Match!" "Nano-nano! Wee-wee! Shazbot! Bazooms!" WITH! Special appearance of Gene Rayburn's skull! Kibo IS Robin Williams AS Mork in "Mork & Match", a triumph of the legitimate theatre! Hear what the critics are saying: "LET MEEEEEE OUUUUUT!!!!" And: "Watching reruns of 'Mork & Mindy' made me realize that Uncle Martin on 'My Favorite Martian' wasn't retarded enough, but now Kibo makes me realize that 'Mork & Mindy' wasn't TOO retarded." And: "Never before has so much talent been brought together in one place... Talent for SUCKINESS." -- K. I wish I could spellcheck this, in case I spelled "shazbot" wrong. I also wish my computer's clock didn't want me to have to stay in France all day. Congress should pass a law to make computers illegal so we'll never have computer problems again. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: OW my toof Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 08:33:13 +0200 [on Kibo as Replacement Mork] Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com): > > > > Hear what the critics are saying: > > > > "LET MEEEEEE OUUUUUT!!!!" > > Let me just stop here and say I have laughed so hard I now have a > headache, and I am crying. I read this out loud to CS Ed, who laughed so > hard he farted. The living room is now a disaster area of emotion and > gas, and it's all your fault, Kibo. Hey, the gas ain't my fault -- you know what they say: Whoever typed it in piped it in. > Part of the reason I'm crying is that TechTV promised "Thunderbirds" and > then gave us some crappy re-run involving lamers reading tech scripts they > don't understand on a show that's really an advertisement in disguise. Was one of them wearing a "Wil Wheaton Dot Net" T-shirt they didn't understand, and did they say something like "Yeah, I used to love watching Willie Wheaton's cartoon show on Channel 38 in Boston! Remember the blooper from when the giant snake went down his clown pants and he started screaming with the whistle still in his mouth?" > And not even in a good disguise, like "Unwrapped". I don't think "Unwrapped" is made from product placements because what Bismarck or Twain or whoever else may have said it still holds true: People who love the law and Necco products should not watch either being made. Plus the host clearly thinks candy will kill him if he touches it. I love watching him hold up bags of candy as if they're electrified. > I'm also crying because I have a week until I get paid, which delays my > spending all my money on those cute widdle Zip Zap mini remote control > cars at Le Shack Du Radio. I bought a felt-tip marker today. It says "exposure may cause damage to the kidneys or liver." -- K. I guess it was a bad idea to use it to draw a smiley face on my liver. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Excuse me, but I was on TV last night Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:17:42 +0200 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Channel 6 news, to be exact. They came to my office yesterday to > interview me about my lawsuit against a spammer. Cool! To get the word out, you should E-mail that to everyone in the address book of each of the friends of everyone you know. > I've also been told by reliable sources that the lawsuit was covered > on Channels 2 and 7 and on the radio this morning. You have a channel 6 and a channel 7? Doesn't having channels on adjacent digits violate the Pauli Exclusion Law or at least make it so that there's always a ghostly outline of El Chacal De La Trompeta superimposed on "Knight Rider"? > Have your people get in touch with my people. We'll spend some face > time, maybe do lunch. First I have to know whether looking at you would make face time pass quickly or slowly compared to, say, looking at someone really hideous. -- K. Looking at me makes time go backwards. Don't look at me or you'll turn into a baby before I finish describing what type of White Castle burgers I love best! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: To Kibo: Fix Boston Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:50:26 +0200 [on Boston's Mayor Menino opening an allegedly cool new supermarket] Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > http://www.boston.com/dailyglobe2/114/metro/Menino_s_grehat_escape+.shtml > > The most interesting paragraph perhaps, from the point of view of Kibo: > > "But his main love, he says, is grocery stores. Anticipating a > ribbon-cutting today for a 60,000-square-foot Shaw's Supermarket in Back > Bay's Prudential Center, he displayed a child-like glee, launching into > a comparison of city markets he frequents -- the Hi-Lo and Stop & Shop > in Jamaica Plain, Brookline's Bread & Circus, and the Star Market in his > own Hyde Park." I don't think he really loves grocery stores. I think someone just told him, "If you pretend you care about shopping, voters will say, 'Hey! He goes shopping! And I go shopping! He's a regular person just like me!'" except that the main problem is that regular people don't vote. > I think Kibo should take him to the "88," head over to the seafood > section and yell: > > "HAVE A DEATHCRAB, MR. MAYOR!" Or better yet, we could go to Mei Tung and I could say "It's not the smell of ferret feces, but an incredible simulation!" I haven't been to the 88 Supermarket (the small one) in a few years, but I was at the Super 88 (the large one) a few days ago, and they didn't have the "DEATH CRAB" sign up, but I did make one horrifying discovery -- all the different brands of Japanese curry bricks (brown slabs that dissolve in water to make thick curry sauce) have been reformulated so that they're now bricks of vegetable oil instead of bricks of lard. That sucks! If I wanted curry made from 95% Crisco plus yellowish-brown spices, I could make that myself! I wanted the rich, creamy taste of real Japanese lard! > The mayor of _my_ town, meanwhile, once showed up at a kids' concert and > complained that he didn't have a teddy bear. > > Sean ("The audience was not particularly sympathetic") Lasnayemere So that the kids would know who he was, was he wearing one of those satin sashes that says "MAYOR" in blackletter? Or was he just sucking up to them by attempting to wear a T-shirt featuring something he thought kids today are into, like a picture of The Monkees? -- K. There's a "Galactica 1980" with a Muzak cover of "Daydream Believer" on the soundtrack, and I'm pretty sure they didn't pay the Monkees, because they were so cheap that they were filming the episode in a working International House Of Pancakes during mealtime and it seems that IHOP said "We can't turn off the Muzak just for your TV show, we have pancakes to serve!" I don't think IHOP paid for the product placement, in fact, if anything IHOP should have paid them to omit it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What is Kibology? Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 07:02:05 +0200 leo sgouros (hpappas@comcast.net) wrote: > > RogueCode (RogueCode@insightbb.com) wrote: > > > > Hello all, I recently found a website mentioning someone and/or thing > > called "Kibo". I clicked on a link that brought me to this newsgroup, > > so i decided to ask, what exactly IS Kibology?(the study of Kibo? Whoo!) > > Thanks. > > Kibology is a false picture of the world, thrown upon a lighted screen > in a darkened room, so that the real world is not seen. And it's not even a real screen. It's just a virtual cyberspace image of a projection of the abstract concept of a conventional depiction of the Platonic ideal of something which can only be described as "if this existed, it would probably not be best defined as the exact opposite of a screen." Oh, and also, the real world is made of candy. But not the kind you can eat. It's a mixture of things that just look like candy (such as diabetic candy) and an occasional life-size cardboard cut-out of John Candy, representing the position of a "person" in cyberspace. -- K. P.S. I apologize for spoiling the ending of the "Matrix" sequels. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Saddam played D&D Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 07:12:43 +0200 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com) wrote: > > [from an Australian news story] > -> > -> It is all satisfyingly horrendous - almost the smoking gun. The > -> paintings of naked blonde maidens menaced by dragons and trolls, > -> warriors wrestling serpents and a wet dream of missiles that have > -> been found in Saddam Hussein's palaces and love shack feel like > -> proof of something. They appear to reflect the man's authentic > -> pleasures and interests or, at the very least, the culture of > -> Saddam's court. > > If you keep playing D&D, you might end up being a brutal Middle East > Dictator! Luckily the War on Iraq has destroyed the D&D which was > threatening Middle Eastern youths. "Dungeons & Dragons" is almost as great a threat to the youth of the world as "Pac-Man" and pinball. We should work to make all the major manufacturers of pinball machines go out of business. Oh, wait, too late. Waah! I hope the extermination of pinball as an art form is something Saddam was responsible for, because then I won't feel guilty about my country smashing up his country, because I LIKE PINBALL! I used to like "Dungeons & Dragons", but the problem is that playing it requires friends who can tolerate it. I can't even get people to watch hockey with me, let alone games with completely arbitrary rules. > In Austrian D&D news, crossbows are going to be made illegal after > a boy took a crossbow to school and shot his ex-gurlfriend. He was > wrestled to the ground while attempting to prepare his backup weapon, > a Molotov cocktail. What an arseclown. You know those someone slow kids who think it's funny to say "Hey, do you want a Hawaiian Punch?" while winding up their fist on the off chance that this kid hasn't tried the same stupid trick on you eight times already? They're going to read that news story and larn the phrase "Molotov cocktail" and think it's a cool new way to vary their routine to say "Hey, do you want a Molotov cocktail?" and then punch you in the arm. Either that or they'd just run around saying "COCKtail! COCKtail! COCKtail!" -- K. I think that's how Tom Cruise promoted that movie. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: augh Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 07:22:17 +0200 Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Something I did a while ago, so the numbers may have changed. > > Google Groups: > > agh 298000 > augh 34600 > auugh 1350 > auuugh 1350 > auuuugh 643 > auuuuugh 385 > auuuuuugh 167 > auuuuuuugh 98 > auuuuuuuugh 199 > auuuuuuuuugh 68 > auuuuuuuuuugh 56 > auuuuuuuuuuugh 22 > auuuuuuuuuuuugh 30 > auuuuuuuuuuuuugh 33 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 19 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 23 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 11 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 11 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 22 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 4 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 20 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 12 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 5 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 2 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 2 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 14 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 13 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 9 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 2 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 1 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 3 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 16 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 2 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 1 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 3 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 1 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 1 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 5 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 1 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 1 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 2 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 1 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 2 You're right, the numbers are wrong. They're all off by one. No, by two. Except for "auuuuuuuugh", which is off by three. And you forgot the one and only mention of auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuvuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggghotifutplexdoidywoxwoxpotsiegh but at least there are no mentions of the word which makes computers explode, "Cthulhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh". Oops, I said it. Better send in Professor Quatermass to kill the octopus things that just jumped out of computers onto the faces of all the nerds in the world. -- K. I think it would be funny if Charles Schulz and that bozo who draws "B.C." switched places for a day so that there would be a caveman named Og yelling "Charlie Brown"! Also, if they switched places, the "B.C." guy would hopefully suffocate inside Schulz's coffin, sparing us any more cartoons about cavemen teaching us the New Testament. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My crazy dream Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 07:29:48 +0200 "Lots42 bomb vice president" (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > I had a -dream- that involved eating a bacon sandwhich. That wasn't > even mine. MMmmm, mm! It was tasty! Did the dream end with you going to Bacon Jail in Bacon Chambers for the stealing of bacon, and the illegal consumption of same? And did they put you in the same cell as noted bacon-smuggler Paddington Bear? And if so, did he attempt to wash your prison uniform and make it shrink to tiny size and then grow some weird sort of vegetable they don't have in the United States? Dost thou still covet bacon in the presence of Paddington? Also, why would you dilute perfectly good bacon by putting it between bread? Bacon is perfect on its own, especially because then you can eat a whole package in one sitting. I suppose you could have made a sandwich out of bacon between other bacon, especially if you involve Canadian bacon, but that would be too much work. It's better to just look for a type of bacon that comes on a spool like package tape and unroll it directly into your mouth. -- K. I think that's a scene in the movie "Event Horizon". The part where they have a vision of Heaven. Mmm, cosmic bacon. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Crazy people and retail Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 07:39:47 +0200 "Lots42 bomb vice president" (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Anyone who worked retail can wax poetic about the crazy people that > always come into their store. > > What I'm wondering is do crazy people focus on one store? Or do they go do > their crazy at multiple ones? > > Do crazy people stake out territory? Do they drive away other crazies? "Grr! > Blockbuster is mine! Go harrass Home Depot employees!" The Dunkin' Donuts across from the Boston Public Library, and the (now obsolete) Star Market right near the Boston Public Library are both major wacko hangouts, just like the Boston Public Library. So I think we can conclude that the wackos are drawn to specific areas. It would be interesting to track the movements of these people and draw a map showing the average wacko concentrations in terms of wackos per square foot per hour, and draw contour lines of equal wackosity to look for the exact center of the spiraling vortex of nutzo. I think it would be focused on the reference desk. Also, all Blockbusters attract wackos, and they usually hire 'em. -- K. And you want to see wackos? I have jury duty Monday morning. I will post a full report on all the wackos I encounter. Especially if the wackos elect me foreman again. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Crazy people and retail Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 07:53:11 +0200 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > "Lots42 bomb vice president" (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > [...] do crazy people focus on one store? Or do they go do > > their crazy at multiple ones? > > For the most part I worked the night shift at a small grocery store for > about a year. The place had insanely high prices but was very convenient > for the associated vagrants and college students that made up our primary > customer base. But this "primary customer base" is just the bottom of the Great Pyramid Of Annoying Customers. Above them are 666 different levels of jerks. Fortunately, the large base of the pyramid includes lots of non-jerks, but often you can be overwhelmed by the incredible number of kinds of jerks -- although they're the majority, there's only one kind of non-jerk, so you can get complacent and then be blind-sided by a team of a Type 557 Yeller and a Type 603 Liar, accompanied by a Type 011 Abusive Minor. > In general, the people really didn't seem all that crazy. Oh sure, the old > narcoleptic guy that I've mentioned here before made for a pretty decent > story, and the blind couple that would have us do their grocery shopping up > to and including writing out their checks for them were pretty interesting, > but for the most part the people that were recognizably crazy also tended > to be alcoholic bums. Not much entertainment there. I mean sure, I didn't > really believe that bums would drink an aerosol can of Lysol until I > actually had one ask if we carried it, but that only takes you so far. Why did he want the aerosol kind instead of the liquid kind if he was drinking it? I am unfamiliar enough with alcoholic beverages that I do not know precisely how Lysol is used. Does it go in a shaker or in a blender before you add the grenadine? > So who knows, maybe the crazy people favored other area stores and I was > missing out. Or maybe there was some particularly crazy customer that had > claimed us as his or her own and the others stayed away. Or maybe, just > maybe it could be that being crazy doesn't preclude you from being cost > conscious and they found it worth the extra couple of blocks of walking to > save a few bucks. Actually, ALL the people who drive twenty miles to save three cents are crazy. I believe that's the current diagnostic criterion used by all psychiatrists: "How far would you drive to save three cents? If you're spending more than three seconds thinking about those three cents, you're crazy. The End!" -- K. Also, you're crazy if, when you make your index fingers look like an out-of-focus floating frankfurter, you actually amaze yourself. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I didn't do it! Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 08:01:06 +0200 "Tamara" (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > I had NOTHING to do with the Toronto SARS outbreak. Really. I have > *different* cooties. I do NOT have SARS cooties. Yet. But you see, by going out of your way to not get SARS, you're probably ensuring that someone else will get the SARS meant for you. I guess that makes you bad. Also, although I hope nobody on alt.religion.kibology catches SARS, if they did it would be best if they were a British person who got it from sitting on a filthy British toilet, because it would be fun to say the phrase "arse SARS" over and over. I call dibs on being the first to say "HEY, YOU GOT ARSE SARS!" to anyone who gets arse SARS. -- K. Coincidentally relevant soundbite: "He's the only guy in the world who wears a monocle in his BLANK." -- "Match Game" question on my TV right now. I bet Phyllis Diller says something like "living room" and Brett Somers yells "OH, I GOT IT, I GOT IT, but what's a monocle?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kill Me Now Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 08:11:49 +0200 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > I had to give class presentations all day today. For two classes of > eighth graders, the subject was dating and relationships. Three guesses > as to what the hot topic of discussion was. "Isn't Fonzie dreamy?" and "Would you sleep with Potsie for a million dollars?" and "Would you sleep with Potsie and Fonzie at the same time for half a million dollars?" That's if the kids were held back about twenty grades so that they got to see good TV like my generation. > For the other three classes, which were seventh graders, the topic was > substance abuse. Did you know that marijuana cures cancer? They know > this because doctors are allowed to prescribe marijuana to cancer patients. That's right, because if marijuana caused cancer, it would be stupid to prescribe it to people who had already caught cancer from it, because then they'd get double super cancer. And everything either causes cancer or cures cancer, especially if you watch TV news, therefore marijuana must cure cancer. And it must cure it real good if the government doesn't want you to have any! > Also, I shouldn't believe everything anyone tells me and if I don't know > the current street names for every single illegal drug, then I don't know > enough about drugs to teach about them. Yeah, I bet you don't even know how to spin glink. -- K. Also, you get cancer if you want to stop your computer from doing something but miss the "Cancel" button and click on the "Cancer" button. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Kibo does Jury Duty! Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 08:23:57 +0200 I allegedly have jury duty on Monday morning (in Roxbury this time) unless they cancel it. I expect it won't last long, as I'll get booted out once they see what I put down as my current occupation. Although I'm still working as a graphic designer and Web administrator, I'm currently spending more time doing something else, something sufficiently weird to probably freak out any sane lawyer (although there are lawyers out there who don't understand that they're supposed to use peremptory challenges if they actually want to win.) I haven't got the Web site for my new profession set up yet, and I'm really not ready to tell you folks all about this highly disturbing new job while I'm still in the gearing-up phase, so I'll just say it's something from this list: hockey goalie porn star medieval re-enactor "Star Trek" cast member's ghostwriter secret agent telephone psychic French interpreter Red Adair cat burglar wine critic underwear inspector #37 TV talk show host's sidekick pizza maker lawyer I'll be bringing my laptop to the courthouse so you can expect me to write a bunch of stuff while I'm waiting for them to put me on a jury so they can kick me off. In order for me to have lots of enjoyable stuff to read and comment on, I'd appreciate it if, in the meantime, you folks would go through the above list and explain why I would be great at each and every one of those jobs. -- K. P.S. I admit nothing.