Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Last Days Of The Crazy People's Supermarket. Date: Wed, 23 Apr 2003 00:06:28 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 87 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c019.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051070674 22909 208.192.102.19 (23 Apr 2003 04:04:34 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 23 Apr 2003 04:04:34 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474054 As habitual readers know, I like to shop at a supermarket where insane people also like to shop. The one underneath the Prudential building, late at night. Where, in the past, I have bumped into some appallingly interesting characters. But tonight was different. Hardly any crazy people! And hardly any employees! And hardly any food! It was like that scene in "Damnation Alley" where the nuclear war has left the Circus Circus casino standing but there's nobody in it. I couldn't go to the Prudential Star Market yesterday because apparently every year Boston has some quaint little footrace which shuts down everything along the 26-mile route, including my home, my office, and my local market. So instead I went today. Little did I know that it was probably to be my last visit to the infamous "L"-shaped Prudential Star. About two-thirds of the shelves were empty, as the store is in the process of winding down. For the past several months, the replacement market has been under construction. It's a block away from the marathon route to guarantee they never get blocked by the marathon, with the minor side effect that they'll be completely invisible to everyone on Boylston Street, just like the Stop & Shop nobody could see from Massachusetts Avenue -- it went broke and changed into a Bread & Circus, not that anyone can tell because the market is invisible behind boring stores nobody wants to walk past. The Shaw's supermarket chain acquired the Star supermarket chain a few years ago, and most of the other Star markets have been rebranded "Shaw's", except for the "L"-shaped one, because they didn't want to pay for a sign they were only going to use until they vacated the premises (apparently signs are not portable.) So, the market which is closing is one of the last "Star" markets around. The shell of the new market already has a "Shaw's" sign up. The Shaw's logo seems to be undergoing a secret mutation. The current logo is the word "Shaw's" in orange letters, with the "a" shaped like this: ########### ############ ##### ##### #### #### ##### ##### ########### ##### #### But on the not-yet-open market, the logo has this "a": ######### ########### #### ########### ##### ##### ############ ###### #### The other letters are unchanged, so apparently Shaw's thinks that slanted Roman vowels have more sales appeal than italic vowels. At least they're not going back to the logo they had before these two, in which the first "S" was all stretched out so that it could be pooping out vegetables (apparently it was an italicized cornucopia.) I am pleased to be the first one to bring the news of Shaw's new "a" to the Internet, as the Shaw's Web site still shows the logo with the old "a". (The site informs me that I should shop at Star/Shaw's because "We have reduced our energy usage per square foot by 10%", which I think means that they're admitting that their frozen food is usually squishy. Also they are proudly advertising irradiated beef, which I think is their way of letting me know they're going to see if they can get their electricity bill down to zero, keeping the meet fresh by having a guy in a lead suit wave a pitchblende rock over the beef once a week. Anyhow, I expect to be buying soggy frozen food at the almost-but-not-quite Prudential Shaw's instead of the directly-under-Prudential Star soon. (The old market is holding up the basement of the Prudential skyscraper, while the new market is between Hooters and Dick's Last Resort.) Oh, incidentally, while I was walking to the market, a woman leaned out of a car and yelled "DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GET TO HOOTERS?" and it took a real effort of will for me not to yell back "TRY GETTING BREAST IMPLANTS!" -- K. That's what I get for watching all those "Match Game" reruns. I need to lock out that channel before I start re-enacting classic Charles Nelson Reilly / Brett Somers cattiness in public. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Last Days Of The Crazy People's Supermarket. Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:35:42 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 74 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051418025 9643 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 04:33:45 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 04:33:45 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474388 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > For the past several months, the replacement market has been under > > construction. > > So are they going to have brand spanking new divider bars, or are they going > to recycle the divider bars from the old store? > > And did you rip off any of the divider bars from the old store? You know, as > a collector's item? The old store, as you would remember if you had been paying attention to me continuously for 14 years without ever once paying attention to anyone else, seldom had divider bars because they would keep vanishing to be replaced by other divider bars, rolled-up brown paper bags with the words "DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR" written on them, or most typically, the simple absence of divider bars. So I don't think they moved the divider bars because they probably already lost them. Also, oddly, they did not seem to move any of the groceries. They just sold off as much of the stock as they could. Meats and deli items had $1.00 coupons attached, and the other stuff they just left on the shelves as the shelves emptied. I was in there again two days ago, and there was little left, but I picked up some bargains. But yesterday was the big day. The new market -- whose name is officially, and I am not making this up, "Shaw's In The City" -- had delivered to every doorstop in my neighborhood a free copy of the Boston Globe to ensure that we got the flyer about yesterday's grand opening (and they also mailed out coupons for free Goldfish crackers.) I went there on the first day, and it is a significantly larger market than the old one (with the usual modern frills like an upstairs coffee bar, more produce, etc.) but on the whole it's not that big a deal. Instead of the old market's convenient "L" shape (which forced me to go past the Twisted Whiskers greeting cards every time I wanted to get anything edible) the new market is an irregular blob of some sort -- I haven't learned the layout yet, but it's not any rectilinear shape, and aisles intersect, terminate, and angle strangely. I told the cashier that it was nice to be there on the first day before the market started smelling funny like the Super 88, and she handed me a comment form. My only comment with regards to the comment form is that there's a really hideous "Y" on the front of it because it was apparently typeset twenty years ago on some photo-lettering machine equipped with a mutant version of Times Semibold Italic that someone had drawn really gangly swashes all over (even the "o" had been redrawn and ruined.) As to the name, "Shaw's In The City" -- naming a supermarket after a cable TV show that was popular three years ago is not a good idea. This means that we'll probably see markets named with semi-puns on the titles of other HBO shows, like "The Soupranos", "Mr. Shop", and "Queer As Fruit". Now that I've had more time to inspect the new logo (with the slanted roman "a") versus the old logo (with the cursive "a") and the ancient logo (with the orange diarrhea) I'd have to say I like the old logo best. In addition to changing the "a" to an awkward-looking form, the other letters (and the two little leaves which represent the apostrophe because the entire logo is supposed to be a really deformed orange) have all been redrawn with slightly different details, to make the lettering a little lighter and with sharper corners. But it worked fine when the letters were stocky and round-cornered, and those letters were well-drawn, but the new ones don't have as much oomph and aren't well- executed. For instance, the arch of the old "h" was more fluid than the new one, and the old "w" had two heavy strokes and one light stroke (suggesting cursive) while the new one has three identical medium strokes (suggesting a designer who was trying to remove all the personality.) -- K. I apologize for the awkward writing style of this article, but I don't have enough time to do justice to this important subject. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Last Days Of The Crazy People's Supermarket. Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 14:30:10 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 41 Message-ID: References: <7ooqav03f2gvro7rs7dvgqku2r0q5s1thp@4ax.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b147.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051554494 19224 208.192.101.147 (28 Apr 2003 18:28:14 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 18:28:14 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474587 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > As to the name, "Shaw's In The City" -- naming a supermarket after > > a cable TV show that was popular three years ago is not a good idea. > > A restaurant opened here in Boise recently, with the alluring name of > "Just Toast." I do not know if the name is a tie-in to a TV show, > though "Just Shoot Me" does come to mind. Also, the restaurant does > indeed serve toast, with a variety of jams and other spreads, but it > also serves sandwiches and soup. > > I haven't heard of anyone planning to open a nearby "Just Hashbrowns," > "Just Scrambled Eggs," or "Just Link Sausage." "Just Toast" is a name which is just bland. Wouldn't it be better to go with "Just Crust" or "The Most Toast"? People like rhyming food. And if the point of the toasteria is kitsch, they should name it "Just The Toast, Ma'am" and have a picture of Jack Webb eating toast without displaying any evidence of pleasure or other common toast-induced emotion. Also, I am planning to open "Just Bacon", but only for me. Nobody else can eat there until after I've eaten up all the bacon in the world! But then the restaurant will be renamed "Where The Bacon Isn't". > > I apologize for the awkward writing style of this article, but I don't > > have enough time to do justice to this important subject. > > My students usually say something along the lines of "I know this > isn't very good but I spent a lot of time on it." That's because they're not smart enough to have realized that homework is a complete waste of time. -- K. I was going to present a proof of that, but this margin is too small to contain it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gas Station Sign Seen Today Date: Sat, 26 Apr 2003 10:37:35 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 20 Message-ID: References: <3e9e14e8.523893338@news.eastlink.ca> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b150.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051346138 28926 208.192.101.150 (26 Apr 2003 08:35:38 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sat, 26 Apr 2003 08:35:38 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474323 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > "Magic Drink, 2/$1.00" > > Does Kibo know anything about this? No, but I'll tell you more if you give me two fifty-cent pieces. Please mail them to Paris, because apparently I am in Paris, because my computer says that's the only time zone left on Earth thanks to some internal bug which destroyed twenty-three twenty-fourths of the world. I think it might be SARS, or worse, AIDSARS. So my apologies if this is posted from 10:37am Paris time instead of 4:37am Boston time, because my computer is stuck in France. -- K. I hear that SARS is just swine flu renamed. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Who voted for him? Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 05:59:55 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 40 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051415900 4468 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 03:58:20 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 03:58:20 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474379 alt.fan.beable:64981 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com) wrote: > > This Donald Rumsfeld joker who thinks that only one vase was looted > from Baghdad, who voted for him? As far as I can find out, he hasn't > been elected since before 1969. What's the deal with that? The best thing about all of Baghdad's five-thousand-and-up-years-old antiquities being stolen is that the tablets with stuff like the Code Of Hammurabi are gone. It's the oldest law ever written down, or rather it WAS, because YAY, WE ARE NO LONGER BOUND BY THE CODE OF HAMMURABI! Now we can stop letting our cats stare at our thrones. > Also be careful at http://www.senate.gov/. They've got some > pretty strict alt tags: > > "The seal is kept in the custody of the Secretary of the > Senate. Unauthorized use of this image is prohibited by law." > > Yeah, just put it on the web and then get all upset if anybody pinches > a copy. Do they give you 24 hours to clear your browser cache? What if > you used a proxy server? There could be heaps of Senate Seals in there. Also, I'm sure that looking at the source code of the Senate's Web page is a crime of some sort. Which is why they make you look at the source code to find out what's illegal, because that way it can just say "YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL NOW, PRESS ENTER TO CONTINUE." -- K. Real bank errors are seldom in your favor. And why do I only ever win second prize in these imaginary beauty contests? I'm starting to think that "Monopoly" is not an accurate model of the world in which we live. I'm switching to "The Game Of Life". Or "Stratego". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why did I save this spread from the paper? Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:02:18 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 16 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051416023 4468 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 04:00:23 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 04:00:23 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474380 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > For some reason there was a photo spread about the life of Bob Hope in > the paper and I decided to put it to one side for later. (I have no idea > why it was in an Austrian paper as most people here wouldn't really know > him that much.) > > Why did I do this? You bought it so that you could put it to one side. Every question contains its own answer and you owe me ten dollars. Thank you, come again. -- K. HA! HA! I'M ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE PSYCHIATRIST'S COUCH NOW! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hope Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:04:52 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 44 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051416175 4468 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 04:02:55 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 04:02:55 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474381 [on the recent discovery that CNN's Web site contained publicly-viewable obituaries for Bob Hope etc. saying they had all died in 2001] Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > "In other news today, Dick Cheney, The Pope, Gerald Ford, > Bob Hope, Ronald Reagan, Nelson Mandela and Fidel Castro > were all killed in a freak gasoline fight accident. Mister > Cheney was the first American to become Queen Consort of > the United Kingdom and was also its favorite grandmother." But then how do you explain that all the others except Ronald Reagan were also Queen Consort of the United Kingdom? It's somewhat plausible in Bob Hope's case, as he's British (and his real name is Leslie) and I can't imagine a British person named Leslie NOT mincing around in a pink tulle dress and going to special parties with Ginger from "The Tomorrow People". I know all British people are drag queens because I've seen every episode of "Benny Hill". Most of the other recent hoopla over Bob Hope being still not dead is because it's the start of a month-and-a-half-long celebration of the fact that he's a hundred years old, or as any reputable news agency would put it, "For the past century, people have been wondering how long ago it's been since he was the world's most brilliant humorist," followed by clips of him telling cutting-edge political satire about how President Eisenhower is only sort of good at golf. And remember, America's military personnel don't do anything important! But Bob Hope, he's the greatest man who ever lived because he told jokes to them, and was then airlifted the hell out of there before the battle resumed! How dare those soldiers impose on the great Bob Hope to entertain them, if they were real heroes they'd be tap-dancing with Phyllis Diller while Bob Hope fought Hitler! -- K. The truly sad thing is that Bob Hope has outlived Dennis Miller's brain. Dennis Miller ACTUALLY used to be funny. But then he started endorsing Bob Hope, THE GREATEST PERSON WHO EVER LIVED! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Spoon! Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:09:53 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 77 Message-ID: References: <903f6dfe.0304201327.226f1be1@posting.google.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051416476 4468 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 04:07:56 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 04:07:56 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474382 Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I bought a Lexan backpacking spoon. For some reason that is the funniest sentence I've heard today. > It won't shatter like regular plastic, and it's slightly lighter > than metal. What about beryllium? The Joker made a whole flying saucer from it that was light enough to be supported by a single string. And what about metallic antimatter? Nothing's lighter than anti-metals. Except for anti-spoons, but there's no such thing as anti-spoons. (And speaking of light metals, believe it or not, at this very moment I'm on the Green Line with a bag of titanium SpaghettiOs. Okay, they're not actually SpaghettiOs, but I bet they're more hypo-allergenic than real SpaghettiOs. If you can even use the words "real" and "SpaghettiOs" together.) > Then I realized I paid $2.50 for a plastic spoon, and I felt sad. Plastic spoons are the best kind. Me and Billy Bob Thornton agree. Plastic spoons good, metal spoons bad. Also me and him, we've got the same skull, but we split on Benjamin Disraeli's hair -- Billy Bob has a phobia about Disraeli's hairstyle, and I've got Disraeli's hairstyle. So this is how you can tell me and the guy from "Armageddon" apart. > Then I realized I am a genius, again. Yes, Miss Granola-Eater, you > see right. I wield a LUXURY HIGH-PERFORMANCE LEXAN BACKPACKING SPOON. I may be from Schenectady, but _you_ own a spoon made by General Electric. ("Lexan" is a General Electric trademark, if your spoon had been made by Dow it would be "Lucite", and evil in a different way. If your spoon were from England it would be "Perspex", and remember that you can't spell "Perspex" without "sex".) Just think, somewhere there are guys in overalls and General Electric hard hats pouring molten slurry into 55-gallon drums, saying "Move yer ass! We gotta ship this raw Lexan to the flatware factory or there will never be enough Lexan backpacking soons!" And then I come in and remind them that "General Electric" officially changed their name to "GE" to save them time during their conversations. But then they realize I used to be a Teamster but I'm not anymore so I don't know which side of the union issue they'd be on but they'd beat me up for either being in the Teamsters or not being in the Teamsters. Also, the word "flatware" bothers me because it implies that us poor people eat with completely flat spoons so the soup slides off because we can't afford the fancy kind of silverware which is round all over. > I can afford the finer things. For $2.50. The spoon's a loss leader. It's the super-sharp plastic knife that'll cost you. Someone has to carve all those little zigzags into the edge. > In other news, my real pseudonym is Flesh-tor, I'm bitter because my > life is slightly closer to what I deserve than to what I'm entitled > to, and I have to lie to be true to myself, so nothing I say is really > a lie. Last night I learned to see beyond the dirt on the outside of my refrigerator, into the miraculous infinite universe beyond. I gotta stop staring at white plastic surfaces with a fake sheepskin texture in low light when I'm overtired and starting to hallucinate. Also, WHY does my refrigerator have a sort of sheepskin texture stamped all over the outside of it? And WHY am I turning into Benjamin Disraeli? -- K. And how come when Superman melts a titanium bar with his heat vision, it never turns all purple and stripey? Are we supposed to believe he has MAGICAL heat vision that can melt titanium without anodizing it? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Spoon! Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 20:17:32 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 38 Message-ID: References: <903f6dfe.0304201327.226f1be1@posting.google.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c043.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051488936 11228 208.192.102.43 (28 Apr 2003 00:15:36 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 00:15:36 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474482 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The spoon's a loss leader. It's the super-sharp plastic knife that'll > > cost you. Someone has to carve all those little zigzags into the edge. > > And don't forget, only the diagonal portions of the zigzags are carved > to a razor-sharp edge, so they can never be worn down by ordinary use, > according to the Magical Patented Cutco Formula developed by His > Holiness L. Ron Hubbard. All hail Cutco! Now I'm a sales manager! > All hail Cutco! Now I'm a regional manager! All hail Cutco! Now I'm > Sea Org Vice Admiral, arrrrrrr! Actually, Cutco was originally named "Cuteco", because Hello Kitty used to make those knives herself. She would toil away all day in the basement, using a grindstone to make the edge sharper and sharper, periodically testing its sharpness by plunging it into one of the hundreds of cute fluffy bunnies that live in Hello Kitty's basement. Either that, or Cutco is a front for the Trilateral Commission. Think about it: Cutco's secret "Double D" edge notches have THREE SIDES. So the Trilateral Commission (also known as Habitat For Humanity) is in this up to their eyeballs, and also, Hello Kitty is STILL involved somehow. I'll look up all the details about the interaction between Cutco, Amway, Primerica, Herbalife, and the Olympic Seed Company the next time I find an archive of Grit, the most famous newspaper that doesn't exist. Sure, you've seen ads for Grit. But can you prove there is such a newspaper? Ever since Matt McIrvin observed that THERE IS NO GRIT, I've been looking for evidence of Grit, and I can't find any. Long before the Internet, Grit was the first virtual newspaper. -- K. Grit: A shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a newspaper that does not exist. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: OW my toof Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:11:20 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 44 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051416562 4468 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 04:09:22 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 04:09:22 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474383 "circadian rhyme" (^#*&$@ennui.org) wrote: > > Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > All my wisdom teeth came in mostly straight > > But they came out ALL GAY! STARRING! Tom Kraemer as Charles Nelson Reilly! WITH! Circadian Rhyme as Brett Somers! AND! Kibo! AS! Robin Williams! AS! Mork! IN! "Mork & Match!" "Nano-nano! Wee-wee! Shazbot! Bazooms!" WITH! Special appearance of Gene Rayburn's skull! Kibo IS Robin Williams AS Mork in "Mork & Match", a triumph of the legitimate theatre! Hear what the critics are saying: "LET MEEEEEE OUUUUUT!!!!" And: "Watching reruns of 'Mork & Mindy' made me realize that Uncle Martin on 'My Favorite Martian' wasn't retarded enough, but now Kibo makes me realize that 'Mork & Mindy' wasn't TOO retarded." And: "Never before has so much talent been brought together in one place... Talent for SUCKINESS." -- K. I wish I could spellcheck this, in case I spelled "shazbot" wrong. I also wish my computer's clock didn't want me to have to stay in France all day. Congress should pass a law to make computers illegal so we'll never have computer problems again. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: OW my toof Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 08:33:13 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 49 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051425075 15569 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 06:31:15 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:31:15 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474408 [on Kibo as Replacement Mork] Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com): > > > > Hear what the critics are saying: > > > > "LET MEEEEEE OUUUUUT!!!!" > > Let me just stop here and say I have laughed so hard I now have a > headache, and I am crying. I read this out loud to CS Ed, who laughed so > hard he farted. The living room is now a disaster area of emotion and > gas, and it's all your fault, Kibo. Hey, the gas ain't my fault -- you know what they say: Whoever typed it in piped it in. > Part of the reason I'm crying is that TechTV promised "Thunderbirds" and > then gave us some crappy re-run involving lamers reading tech scripts they > don't understand on a show that's really an advertisement in disguise. Was one of them wearing a "Wil Wheaton Dot Net" T-shirt they didn't understand, and did they say something like "Yeah, I used to love watching Willie Wheaton's cartoon show on Channel 38 in Boston! Remember the blooper from when the giant snake went down his clown pants and he started screaming with the whistle still in his mouth?" > And not even in a good disguise, like "Unwrapped". I don't think "Unwrapped" is made from product placements because what Bismarck or Twain or whoever else may have said it still holds true: People who love the law and Necco products should not watch either being made. Plus the host clearly thinks candy will kill him if he touches it. I love watching him hold up bags of candy as if they're electrified. > I'm also crying because I have a week until I get paid, which delays my > spending all my money on those cute widdle Zip Zap mini remote control > cars at Le Shack Du Radio. I bought a felt-tip marker today. It says "exposure may cause damage to the kidneys or liver." -- K. I guess it was a bad idea to use it to draw a smiley face on my liver. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Excuse me, but I was on TV last night Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:17:42 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 31 Message-ID: References: <2acr9v0scsahj36vr31rrpo4s8v6chv0sc@4ax.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051416944 4468 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 04:15:44 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 04:15:44 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474384 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Channel 6 news, to be exact. They came to my office yesterday to > interview me about my lawsuit against a spammer. Cool! To get the word out, you should E-mail that to everyone in the address book of each of the friends of everyone you know. > I've also been told by reliable sources that the lawsuit was covered > on Channels 2 and 7 and on the radio this morning. You have a channel 6 and a channel 7? Doesn't having channels on adjacent digits violate the Pauli Exclusion Law or at least make it so that there's always a ghostly outline of El Chacal De La Trompeta superimposed on "Knight Rider"? > Have your people get in touch with my people. We'll spend some face > time, maybe do lunch. First I have to know whether looking at you would make face time pass quickly or slowly compared to, say, looking at someone really hideous. -- K. Looking at me makes time go backwards. Don't look at me or you'll turn into a baby before I finish describing what type of White Castle burgers I love best! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: To Kibo: Fix Boston Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:50:26 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 61 Message-ID: References: <20030424062442.04942.00000001@mb-m05.aol.com> <3EA830D3.9090405@hotmail.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051418909 5861 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 04:48:29 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 04:48:29 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474389 [on Boston's Mayor Menino opening an allegedly cool new supermarket] Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > http://www.boston.com/dailyglobe2/114/metro/Menino_s_grehat_escape+.shtml > > The most interesting paragraph perhaps, from the point of view of Kibo: > > "But his main love, he says, is grocery stores. Anticipating a > ribbon-cutting today for a 60,000-square-foot Shaw's Supermarket in Back > Bay's Prudential Center, he displayed a child-like glee, launching into > a comparison of city markets he frequents -- the Hi-Lo and Stop & Shop > in Jamaica Plain, Brookline's Bread & Circus, and the Star Market in his > own Hyde Park." I don't think he really loves grocery stores. I think someone just told him, "If you pretend you care about shopping, voters will say, 'Hey! He goes shopping! And I go shopping! He's a regular person just like me!'" except that the main problem is that regular people don't vote. > I think Kibo should take him to the "88," head over to the seafood > section and yell: > > "HAVE A DEATHCRAB, MR. MAYOR!" Or better yet, we could go to Mei Tung and I could say "It's not the smell of ferret feces, but an incredible simulation!" I haven't been to the 88 Supermarket (the small one) in a few years, but I was at the Super 88 (the large one) a few days ago, and they didn't have the "DEATH CRAB" sign up, but I did make one horrifying discovery -- all the different brands of Japanese curry bricks (brown slabs that dissolve in water to make thick curry sauce) have been reformulated so that they're now bricks of vegetable oil instead of bricks of lard. That sucks! If I wanted curry made from 95% Crisco plus yellowish-brown spices, I could make that myself! I wanted the rich, creamy taste of real Japanese lard! > The mayor of _my_ town, meanwhile, once showed up at a kids' concert and > complained that he didn't have a teddy bear. > > Sean ("The audience was not particularly sympathetic") Lasnayemere So that the kids would know who he was, was he wearing one of those satin sashes that says "MAYOR" in blackletter? Or was he just sucking up to them by attempting to wear a T-shirt featuring something he thought kids today are into, like a picture of The Monkees? -- K. There's a "Galactica 1980" with a Muzak cover of "Daydream Believer" on the soundtrack, and I'm pretty sure they didn't pay the Monkees, because they were so cheap that they were filming the episode in a working International House Of Pancakes during mealtime and it seems that IHOP said "We can't turn off the Muzak just for your TV show, we have pancakes to serve!" I don't think IHOP paid for the product placement, in fact, if anything IHOP should have paid them to omit it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What is Kibology? Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 07:02:05 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 27 Message-ID: References: <3E9E0AF2.9040904@comcast.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051419607 5861 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 05:00:07 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 05:00:07 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474390 leo sgouros (hpappas@comcast.net) wrote: > > RogueCode (RogueCode@insightbb.com) wrote: > > > > Hello all, I recently found a website mentioning someone and/or thing > > called "Kibo". I clicked on a link that brought me to this newsgroup, > > so i decided to ask, what exactly IS Kibology?(the study of Kibo? Whoo!) > > Thanks. > > Kibology is a false picture of the world, thrown upon a lighted screen > in a darkened room, so that the real world is not seen. And it's not even a real screen. It's just a virtual cyberspace image of a projection of the abstract concept of a conventional depiction of the Platonic ideal of something which can only be described as "if this existed, it would probably not be best defined as the exact opposite of a screen." Oh, and also, the real world is made of candy. But not the kind you can eat. It's a mixture of things that just look like candy (such as diabetic candy) and an occasional life-size cardboard cut-out of John Candy, representing the position of a "person" in cyberspace. -- K. P.S. I apologize for spoiling the ending of the "Matrix" sequels. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Saddam played D&D Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 07:12:43 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 45 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051420246 8303 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 05:10:46 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 05:10:46 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474392 alt.fan.beable:64983 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com) wrote: > > [from an Australian news story] > -> > -> It is all satisfyingly horrendous - almost the smoking gun. The > -> paintings of naked blonde maidens menaced by dragons and trolls, > -> warriors wrestling serpents and a wet dream of missiles that have > -> been found in Saddam Hussein's palaces and love shack feel like > -> proof of something. They appear to reflect the man's authentic > -> pleasures and interests or, at the very least, the culture of > -> Saddam's court. > > If you keep playing D&D, you might end up being a brutal Middle East > Dictator! Luckily the War on Iraq has destroyed the D&D which was > threatening Middle Eastern youths. "Dungeons & Dragons" is almost as great a threat to the youth of the world as "Pac-Man" and pinball. We should work to make all the major manufacturers of pinball machines go out of business. Oh, wait, too late. Waah! I hope the extermination of pinball as an art form is something Saddam was responsible for, because then I won't feel guilty about my country smashing up his country, because I LIKE PINBALL! I used to like "Dungeons & Dragons", but the problem is that playing it requires friends who can tolerate it. I can't even get people to watch hockey with me, let alone games with completely arbitrary rules. > In Austrian D&D news, crossbows are going to be made illegal after > a boy took a crossbow to school and shot his ex-gurlfriend. He was > wrestled to the ground while attempting to prepare his backup weapon, > a Molotov cocktail. What an arseclown. You know those somewhat slow kids who think it's funny to say "Hey, do you want a Hawaiian Punch?" while winding up their fist on the off chance that this kid hasn't tried the same stupid trick on you eight times already? They're going to read that news story and larn the phrase "Molotov cocktail" and think it's a cool new way to vary their routine to say "Hey, do you want a Molotov cocktail?" and then punch you in the arm. Either that or they'd just run around saying "COCKtail! COCKtail! COCKtail!" -- K. I think that's how Tom Cruise promoted that movie. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: augh Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 07:22:17 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 79 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051420819 8303 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 05:20:19 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 05:20:19 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474394 Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Something I did a while ago, so the numbers may have changed. > > Google Groups: > > agh 298000 > augh 34600 > auugh 1350 > auuugh 1350 > auuuugh 643 > auuuuugh 385 > auuuuuugh 167 > auuuuuuugh 98 > auuuuuuuugh 199 > auuuuuuuuugh 68 > auuuuuuuuuugh 56 > auuuuuuuuuuugh 22 > auuuuuuuuuuuugh 30 > auuuuuuuuuuuuugh 33 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 19 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 23 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 11 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 11 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 22 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 4 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 20 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 12 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 5 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 2 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 2 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 14 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 13 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 9 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 2 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 1 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 3 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 16 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 2 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 1 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 3 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 1 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 1 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 5 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 1 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 1 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 2 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 1 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 2 You're right, the numbers are wrong. They're all off by one. No, by two. Except for "auuuuuuuugh", which is off by three. And you forgot the one and only mention of auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuvuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggghotifutplexdoidywoxwoxpotsiegh but at least there are no mentions of the word which makes computers explode, "Cthulhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh". Oops, I said it. Better send in Professor Quatermass to kill the octopus things that just jumped out of computers onto the faces of all the nerds in the world. -- K. I think it would be funny if Charles Schulz and that bozo who draws "B.C." switched places for a day so that there would be a caveman named Og yelling "Charlie Brown"! Also, if they switched places, the "B.C." guy would hopefully suffocate inside Schulz's coffin, sparing us any more cartoons about cavemen teaching us the New Testament. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My crazy dream Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 07:29:48 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 28 Message-ID: References: <20030422081659.19017.00000329@mb-m15.aol.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051421270 8303 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 05:27:50 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 05:27:50 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474395 "Lots42 bomb vice president" (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > I had a -dream- that involved eating a bacon sandwhich. That wasn't > even mine. MMmmm, mm! It was tasty! Did the dream end with you going to Bacon Jail in Bacon Chambers for the stealing of bacon, and the illegal consumption of same? And did they put you in the same cell as noted bacon-smuggler Paddington Bear? And if so, did he attempt to wash your prison uniform and make it shrink to tiny size and then grow some weird sort of vegetable they don't have in the United States? Dost thou still covet bacon in the presence of Paddington? Also, why would you dilute perfectly good bacon by putting it between bread? Bacon is perfect on its own, especially because then you can eat a whole package in one sitting. I suppose you could have made a sandwich out of bacon between other bacon, especially if you involve Canadian bacon, but that would be too much work. It's better to just look for a type of bacon that comes on a spool like package tape and unroll it directly into your mouth. -- K. I think that's a scene in the movie "Event Horizon". The part where they have a vision of Heaven. Mmm, cosmic bacon. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My crazy dream Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 14:22:23 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 39 Message-ID: References: <20030428021559.21021.00000219@mb-m18.aol.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b147.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051554026 19224 208.192.101.147 (28 Apr 2003 18:20:26 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 18:20:26 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474585 "Lots42 bomb vice president" (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And if so, did he attempt to wash your prison uniform and make it > > shrink to tiny size and then grow some weird sort of vegetable they > > don't have in the United States? > > No. But part of that happened in real life. Sit down and listen, dammit. > We have two bathrooms and one shower is easier to use then the other so > one gets less clean as time warrants. Up in the corner some dust settled > and a dust bunny formed. On this dust bunny settled a small grey thing. > Teeny tiny. I had no idea what it was but since I was lazy I left it alone. > The next day one side of it had popped right open, leaving little red flaps. > I got so creeped out I used toilet paper to clear out the whole tiny dust > bunny and flushed it down the toilet. Yeah, picking up the WHOLE dust bunny was a lot more work than just throwing out half of it. You had to lift an extra six picograms. > In conclusion, if the news interupts Iraq 24/7 to report giant > grey alien pods are bursting all over Tampa Bay, that's my fault. If only the top edge has burst open, and it's an awkward mixture of silver, black, and bluish-black, I think you're looking at the Tampa Bay Lightning's logo, not a pod. Also, why does the logo have a picture of Florida instead of a picture of Tampa Bay? The Florida Panthers have more right to use the map of Florida, and they don't have a map of Tampa Bay jammed into their cat logo, and the cat is printed in colors that don't look like an accident, and their cat isn't missing the top of his head. So please tell the Tampa Bay Lightning to sell off their little Florida and use the proceeds to buy a top edge for the circle it used to be inside. -- K. "I used toilet paper" -- Lots42 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Crazy people and retail Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 07:39:47 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 31 Message-ID: References: <20030424064907.04942.00000005@mb-m05.aol.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051421869 8303 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 05:37:49 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 05:37:49 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474397 "Lots42 bomb vice president" (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Anyone who worked retail can wax poetic about the crazy people that > always come into their store. > > What I'm wondering is do crazy people focus on one store? Or do they go do > their crazy at multiple ones? > > Do crazy people stake out territory? Do they drive away other crazies? "Grr! > Blockbuster is mine! Go harrass Home Depot employees!" The Dunkin' Donuts across from the Boston Public Library, and the (now obsolete) Star Market right near the Boston Public Library are both major wacko hangouts, just like the Boston Public Library. So I think we can conclude that the wackos are drawn to specific areas. It would be interesting to track the movements of these people and draw a map showing the average wacko concentrations in terms of wackos per square foot per hour, and draw contour lines of equal wackosity to look for the exact center of the spiraling vortex of nutzo. I think it would be focused on the reference desk. Also, all Blockbusters attract wackos, and they usually hire 'em. -- K. And you want to see wackos? I have jury duty Monday morning. I will post a full report on all the wackos I encounter. Especially if the wackos elect me foreman again. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Crazy people and retail Date: Tue, 29 Apr 2003 19:18:13 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 66 Message-ID: References: <20030424064907.04942.00000005@mb-m05.aol.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b167.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051658177 19408 208.192.101.167 (29 Apr 2003 23:16:17 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Tue, 29 Apr 2003 23:16:17 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474721 Rox (roxanne.gray@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Speaking as a former Borders Books employee (from the World Trade Center no > less) I can tell you members of that breed of weirdo have some serious time > on their hands and so spread the kook around. Retail employees bear to > brunt because they don't have bouncers at the door. > > But for your possible amusement I present 2 of my favorite loons > > Example 1 > > A guy walked up to the info desk I was working to ask if we had any foreign > language dictionaries because he needed to translate something. I said sure > we do, what language do you need...at which point he informed me he had a > letter from Jesus Christ at home, he wasn't sure what language it was in and > he needed to know what it said. I must have gotten the "back away slowly" > look on my face because he hastened to tell me that he was NOT crazy--he > didn't think Jesus had written to him personally. I told him we didn't > have any Aramaic dictionaries but I would be happy to try and order one for > him. That seemed to make him really happy, until we looked up the prices. > He decided to try the local library. I wonder why Don never posted the results. > Example 2 > > We had a guy who visited us regularly. We never found out his name but we > called him "The Happy Buddha" because...well he looked the part. He used to > drink those 16 oz frozed mocha nasties like they were shots of Cuervo, three > at a time. His car's interior was covered in tin foil. I never knew if > that was to keep something out or to keep something in. Oh and he also used > to read the Calculus books while quietly giggling to himself. I wonder why Archie never posted the results. > I'm sure he was thinking "Silly Humans and their 'Mathematics'." Puh-lease! What we nutty people are actually thinking is "Silly Earth humans and their primitive Earth 'mathematics'." I mean, it doesn't even have a factor for crispiness, and therefore is useless for calculating the tensile strength of a house made of bacon! > The toy store next to us had to ban him from coming in there because > he used to walk in and stare at the children. Hey! I only did that once! And it was because the first assignment in the "Writing Children's Literature" class was to "go somewhere where there are children and observe the children"! I got ejected from the very same FAO Schwartz store that inspired the book "Toys That Don't Care". Now I can't buy the $200 "Trend Forecaster Barbie"! > And I haven't even mentioned the customer who stalked me, even tracking me > down when I transferred to another state. I hear that you can keep stalkers from coming to your state by wrapping the entire state in aluminum foil. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to translate a letter from Christo. -- K. But if I mistakenly translate one from Crisco, I'll start wrapping baked potatoes in a thousand miles of aluminum foil. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Crazy people and retail Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 07:53:11 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 55 Message-ID: References: <20030424064907.04942.00000005@mb-m05.aol.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051422673 13877 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 05:51:13 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 05:51:13 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474400 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > "Lots42 bomb vice president" (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > [...] do crazy people focus on one store? Or do they go do > > their crazy at multiple ones? > > For the most part I worked the night shift at a small grocery store for > about a year. The place had insanely high prices but was very convenient > for the associated vagrants and college students that made up our primary > customer base. But this "primary customer base" is just the bottom of the Great Pyramid Of Annoying Customers. Above them are 666 different levels of jerks. Fortunately, the large base of the pyramid includes lots of non-jerks, but often you can be overwhelmed by the incredible number of kinds of jerks -- although they're the majority, there's only one kind of non-jerk, so you can get complacent and then be blind-sided by a team of a Type 557 Yeller and a Type 603 Liar, accompanied by a Type 011 Abusive Minor. > In general, the people really didn't seem all that crazy. Oh sure, the old > narcoleptic guy that I've mentioned here before made for a pretty decent > story, and the blind couple that would have us do their grocery shopping up > to and including writing out their checks for them were pretty interesting, > but for the most part the people that were recognizably crazy also tended > to be alcoholic bums. Not much entertainment there. I mean sure, I didn't > really believe that bums would drink an aerosol can of Lysol until I > actually had one ask if we carried it, but that only takes you so far. Why did he want the aerosol kind instead of the liquid kind if he was drinking it? I am unfamiliar enough with alcoholic beverages that I do not know precisely how Lysol is used. Does it go in a shaker or in a blender before you add the grenadine? > So who knows, maybe the crazy people favored other area stores and I was > missing out. Or maybe there was some particularly crazy customer that had > claimed us as his or her own and the others stayed away. Or maybe, just > maybe it could be that being crazy doesn't preclude you from being cost > conscious and they found it worth the extra couple of blocks of walking to > save a few bucks. Actually, ALL the people who drive twenty miles to save three cents are crazy. I believe that's the current diagnostic criterion used by all psychiatrists: "How far would you drive to save three cents? If you're spending more than three seconds thinking about those three cents, you're crazy. The End!" -- K. Also, you're crazy if, when you make your index fingers look like an out-of-focus floating frankfurter, you actually amaze yourself. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I didn't do it! Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 08:01:06 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 27 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051423148 13877 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 05:59:08 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 05:59:08 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474402 "Tamara" (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > I had NOTHING to do with the Toronto SARS outbreak. Really. I have > *different* cooties. I do NOT have SARS cooties. Yet. But you see, by going out of your way to not get SARS, you're probably ensuring that someone else will get the SARS meant for you. I guess that makes you bad. Also, although I hope nobody on alt.religion.kibology catches SARS, if they did it would be best if they were a British person who got it from sitting on a filthy British toilet, because it would be fun to say the phrase "arse SARS" over and over. I call dibs on being the first to say "HEY, YOU GOT ARSE SARS!" to anyone who gets arse SARS. -- K. Coincidentally relevant soundbite: "He's the only guy in the world who wears a monocle in his BLANK." -- "Match Game" question on my TV right now. I bet Phyllis Diller says something like "living room" and Brett Somers yells "OH, I GOT IT, I GOT IT, but what's a monocle?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kill Me Now Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 08:11:49 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 37 Message-ID: References: <1ftmhpy.6xappl5nvkvzN%mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051423792 12759 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 06:09:52 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:09:52 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474404 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > I had to give class presentations all day today. For two classes of > eighth graders, the subject was dating and relationships. Three guesses > as to what the hot topic of discussion was. "Isn't Fonzie dreamy?" and "Would you sleep with Potsie for a million dollars?" and "Would you sleep with Potsie and Fonzie at the same time for half a million dollars?" That's if the kids were held back about twenty grades so that they got to see good TV like my generation. > For the other three classes, which were seventh graders, the topic was > substance abuse. Did you know that marijuana cures cancer? They know > this because doctors are allowed to prescribe marijuana to cancer patients. That's right, because if marijuana caused cancer, it would be stupid to prescribe it to people who had already caught cancer from it, because then they'd get double super cancer. And everything either causes cancer or cures cancer, especially if you watch TV news, therefore marijuana must cure cancer. And it must cure it real good if the government doesn't want you to have any! > Also, I shouldn't believe everything anyone tells me and if I don't know > the current street names for every single illegal drug, then I don't know > enough about drugs to teach about them. Yeah, I bet you don't even know how to spin glink. -- K. Also, you get cancer if you want to stop your computer from doing something but miss the "Cancel" button and click on the "Cancer" button. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Kibo does Jury Duty! Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 08:23:57 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 38 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051424519 12759 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 06:21:59 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:21:59 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474407 I allegedly have jury duty on Monday morning (in Roxbury this time) unless they cancel it. I expect it won't last long, as I'll get booted out once they see what I put down as my current occupation. Although I'm still working as a graphic designer and Web administrator, I'm currently spending more time doing something else, something sufficiently weird to probably freak out any sane lawyer (although there are lawyers out there who don't understand that they're supposed to use peremptory challenges if they actually want to win.) I haven't got the Web site for my new profession set up yet, and I'm really not ready to tell you folks all about this highly disturbing new job while I'm still in the gearing-up phase, so I'll just say it's something from this list: hockey goalie porn star medieval re-enactor "Star Trek" cast member's ghostwriter secret agent telephone psychic French interpreter Red Adair cat burglar wine critic underwear inspector #37 TV talk show host's sidekick pizza maker lawyer I'll be bringing my laptop to the courthouse so you can expect me to write a bunch of stuff while I'm waiting for them to put me on a jury so they can kick me off. In order for me to have lots of enjoyable stuff to read and comment on, I'd appreciate it if, in the meantime, you folks would go through the above list and explain why I would be great at each and every one of those jobs. -- K. P.S. I admit nothing. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Kibo does Jury Duty! Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 14:17:49 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 231 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b147.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051553760 19224 208.192.101.147 (28 Apr 2003 18:16:00 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 18:16:00 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474579 alt.fan.beable:64999 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I haven't got the Web site for my new profession set up yet, and I'm > > really not ready to tell you folks all about this highly disturbing > > new job while I'm still in the gearing-up phase, so I'll just say > > it's something from this list: > > > > hockey goalie porn star medieval re-enactor > > > > "Star Trek" cast member's ghostwriter secret agent > > It's Wesley, isn't it? I wish! I think it's more likely that it will turn out he's been ghostwriting for me (perhaps without my knowing it), because he's a better writer. I have trouble turning out a whole sentence without mentioning that I'm currently drinking blue sugar water or how much I hate live-action movies based on cartoons. > You couldn't be ghostwriting for somebody INTERESTING like > Seven-of-Nine, or Fonzie, or Wally Lewis, or even Potsie. Hey, don't diss Potsie. He directed some of the worst episodes of NBC's "seaQuest" as well as UPN's "Star Trek: Voyager". And for that he has earned a special place in my heart. Potsie, the man who zeroed right in on the episodes which needed his services. Stupid plots need the most Potsie! > No, you had to take money off Wesley to help him fix up his > SAD, SAD website http://www.wilwheaton.net/ > > -> If you have been here before, maybe you'd like to wear this cool > -> new WWDN T-shirt! You can support the site, and look damn good > -> while you do it! > > So if I wear a T-shirt with "WWDN" on it, I'll look "damn good"? > It doesn't even make sense! "What Would Wesley Do", is "WWWD", > not "WWDN". Arseclown. > > Also, if Wesley shows up and makes fun of my website, I'm going to > deny all knowledge of this post. The solution is to just stop updating your Web site. Then people stop even asking you about it after the first four years. It's great. I should add that when Wil Wheaton dyed his hair blue it inspired me to dye my beard red so that people can tell us apart. Sometime when you've got six hours to spare I can tell you a long and complicated story about an obscure historical figure with black hair and a red beard, which leads to horrible things happening. Hopefully if I have the same hairstyle a similar level of excitement will be caused, except in the story I'm thinking of it took over a century before the city burned down because of some guy's two-tone beard. Also, I'm currently drinking blue sugar water, and I hate live-action movies based on cartoons. Incidentally, I should add that, as live-action movies based on cartoons go, one of the very few that are not awful is "Asterix et Obelix contre Cesar" (please forgive my lack of accent marks), starring Christian Claver, an obese Gerard Depardieu, and a dubbed-into-French Roberto Benigni (as "Detritus".) It's not available in English, or with English subtitles, or even with French subtitles, but enough wackiness happens that I was able to enjoy it even though I could only catch little bits of what they were saying. It's also one of those movies where it becomes clear that while Roberto Benigni is fine when he's the center of attention in a movie revolving around his hyperactivity, when he's a peripheral character (particularly when he's a villain) he doesn't always know how to tone it down. He's pretty much the only one in the film who comes across as giving a stupid performance -- everyone else (especially Gerard Depardieu) understands how to play silly comedy with a straight face. In the scenes between Roberto Benigni and Gottfried John (as Caesar), Gottfried John acts circles around Benigni, just by playing it straight to the point of camp, always a better approach than going for an over-the-top spaz-out. Gottfried John is one of those actors who makes anything better whenever he shows up. For instance, he was one of the many good things about "Goldeneye" (the best of the Pierce Brosnan Bond movies) and even the atrocious, idiotic show "Space Rangers" became almost watchable during the filler scenes where Gottfried John played chess with Linda Hunt, another person who deserved better than to be used to kill time in "Space Rangers". Think of it this way: Gottfried John is the answer to the question "What would Patrick Stewart be like if he were Aryan?" and Linda Hunt is the answer to the question "What would Rhoda's mom be like if she were a hobbit?" Speaking of Rhoda's mom (Nancy Walker, today best remembered for appearing in a paper-towel commercial) you need to know that she directed the second-gayest disco musical movie of all time -- "Can't Stop The Music", starring Steve Guttenberg, Bruce Jenner, and Valerie Perrine. (Oh, and the Village People had cameos in it, too.) "Can't Stop The Music" was made in 1980, the same year that Golan and Globus made one which was a million times gayer, "The Apple". Set in the distant futuristic year of 1994, "The Apple" is an all-singing, all-dancing, all-very-very-very-gay movie from those last days of disco, when disco somehow became gay. "The Apple" includes the horrifying sight of Vladek Sheybal singing and dancing in glittery makeup. Vladek Sheybal is one of those "international stars" like Gottfried John who gets to play the bad guy in European movies because he has an accent from a different part of Europe. Vladek Sheybal turns up in any movie that needs a little Russian guy with a rat face. He was in "From Russia With Love" (a Bond film from long before Pierce Brosnan) and he played the doctor in Gerry Anderson's "U.F.O.", a show which was made in 1969 but set in the distant futuristic year of 1980. In "The Apple", from 1980, it looked like 1994 was going to be totally gay. But in "U.F.O.", from 1969, it looked like 1980 was going to be super-mod. All men would wear Beatle wigs and Nehru jackets to work, and women would get purple glam wigs and silver catsuits with a bikini on the outside. The important thing about this is that "Can't Stop The Music" starred Steve Guttenberg, a person who I file in the same slice of my brain as Gilbert Gottfried because I forget the difference between them because I'm not interested in either of them, which means we can now plot this diagram: Gilbert Gottfried (is easily confused with) Steve Guttenberg (who was in a movie directed by) Nancy Walker (who was the larger version of) Linda Hunt (who played chess with) Gottfried John (who has the same name as) Gilbert Gottfried! ...and thus, the Cycle Of Gottfrieds is closed off upon itself without needing to involve either Pierce Brosnan or Sean Connery! All thought about any of those people will eventually turn to Gilbert Gottfried! There is no escape from Gilbert Gottfried! But the odd thing is that, because I'm on jury duty, and wondering whether I'll get booted off the panel for being obviously a counter-cultural free-thinking weirdo, I was thinking about a classic "Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers" cartoon from the '60s, where Fat Freddy puts on a suit jacket and tucks his long hair into his shirt collar because he thinks the cops will beat him if he turns up for jury duty if he looks like a hippie, but then he sees that a hippie's on trial for possession of dope so Freddy wants to be on the jury so he unfurls his hair and rips his jacket open, saying, "SEE? LONG HAIR! 'FUCK' T-SHIRT!" and then the cops beat him. And that cartoon! Which has never been made into a live-action movie! Was drawn by! Gilbert Shelton! And therefore... Gilbert Gottfried (is easily confused with) Steve Guttenberg (who was in a movie directed by) Nancy Walker (who was the larger version of) Linda Hunt (who played chess with) Gottfried John (who has the same name as) Gilbert Gottfried who has the same name as) Gilbert Shelton! HOORAY, GILBERT SHELTON HAS FREED US OF THE TYRNANNY OF THE ENDLESS CYCLE OF GILBERT GOTTFRIED! Also, he drew that "Peed Skills!" poster which Philip K. Dick liked, one of the many valuable public services performed by underground hippie comics artists on the 1960s, just like the "Snappy Sammy Smoot" poster where he said "Don't wee wee on yer tee vee." I don't remember who drew "Snappy Sammy Smoot" but, although it wasn't as funny as Gilbert Shelton's work, I really like the hallucinogenically-glossy visual style, reminiscent of the work of Heinz Edelmann (who designed "Yellow Submarine", a cartoon based on a live-action band.) My favorite moment in "Yellow Submarine" is one of the ones that gets cut off by the edge of the TV screen (and even the letterboxed DVD still cuts off half this joke), when they're in the Sea Of Monsters pushing all the buttons to see what secret weapons the submarine has, and one of the buttons makes a big banner saying "THE ROLLING STONES" pop out of the tail of the sub. Except on the DVD it's more like "OLLING STONES" and on TV it's just a tail fin going into the limbo where the TV picture isn't. ...And that makes it even more surreal! But then the Beatles went into the Sea Of Time, and inspired "Sesame Street", then they made the submarine go too fast, and they all died, because skeed pills. But at least Roberto Benigni and Steve Guttenberg never did a movie together where they would roller boogie, because the lethal combination of spaz rays and dork rays from the two of them would kill everyone involved even if no drugs were involved. All "Simpsons" fans will remember that Steve Guttenberg only became a movie star because the Masons, headed by Patrick Stewart, made it so. And of course this gives us a relationship: Gilbert Gottfried (is almost the same person as) Steve Guttenberg (was made a star by) Patrick Stewart (who is the English version of) Gottfried John (who has the same name as) Gilbert Gottfried! AUGH! THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM THE VORTEX OF GILBERT GOTTFRIED! I AM ON JURY DUTY AND GILBERT GOTTFRIED WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE! Also, Roberto Benigni is in here somewhere. Probably something about him replacing Peter Sellers in the final "Pink Panther" movie, and from there we go to Peter Sellers being in lots of drugged-up psychedelic movies, and then we get to the "U.F.O." episode where the aliens menace hippies who are strung out on LSD in slow motion, who are treated by doctor Vladek Sheybal, but I really don't want to think about this any more because I don't want to win a Nobel Prize for this. Unless the Nobel Prize comes with a certificate which says I don't have to serve on jury duty for the next three years, and I never have to think about Gilbert Gottfried ever again. -- K. Yes, Gerard Depardieu was obese. I think it was done with a combination of foam rubber and pastry. The guy with the red beard did not show up. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo does Jury Duty! Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 21:05:48 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 139 Message-ID: References: <3EABFC77.A92@yahoo.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c043.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051491831 15702 208.192.102.43 (28 Apr 2003 01:03:51 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 01:03:51 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474483 [regarding Kibo's choice of professions] "madge" (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > hockey goalie porn star medieval re-enactor > > > > "Star Trek" cast member's ghostwriter secret agent > > > > telephone psychic French interpreter Red Adair > > > > cat burglar wine critic underwear inspector #37 > > > > TV talk show host's sidekick pizza maker lawyer > > You'd be absolutely mad to take a stand with the Bruins in determined > mode trying to get a little rubber puck through you anyway they can. Women, heh heh heh. Them and their "little rubber puck" and "Bruins are hard to play against." See, the Bruins aren't, how shall I put this, a real team. They'd have a hard time getting the puck past me. Heck, they'd even have trouble getting the puck past Linda Hunt, and she's slightly worse than me, partly because she's dead! Last time they played the Devils, Martin Brodeur went down the street looking for a poutine cart, because they just put his goalie uniform on a blow-up doll and it was stopping the Bruins just fine. And last time the Bruins played the Avalanche, Patrick Roy went out looking for the same poutine cart after putting a strip of Scotch tape across the front of the goal. And in Ottawa, Patrick Lalime stayed home and made his own poutine, after phoning the coach and asking him to just use a laser pointer to draw a frownie face on the ice in front of the goal. The Bruins ain't playing no more hockey this year, they got crushed by the Devils in Round 1. I hear that Joe Thornton is now in Hollywood waiting for Andy Dick to get fired from another sitcom so that he can take over. Sure, he's a fine hockey player, but there are lots of other hockey players, and nobody else looks as much like Andy Dick as Joe Thornton does, right down to the Andy Dick-style smile, pointy chin, and wavy blond hair parted down the middle. I think he has a long career ahead of him as Substitute Andy Dick. And the Devils, they managed to beat the Bruins easily even though their star player is John Madden, who is elderly, fat, and a football player who had a can of Ace True Value housepaint in each hand. > Where would they find a body double for you as a pron star. Billy Bob Thornton? See, Billy Bob Thornton is the more photogenic version of Kibo but Joe Thornton is the sober, manly version of Andy Dick. It always comes down to the fact that anyone can be replaced by a Thornton. Joe Bob Thornton could fill in for Norm MacDonald, and "Babylon 5" producer Ron Thornton must look like someone, but I don't know what Ron Thornton looks like so I'll just guess David Hasselhoff at random. > Well medieval re-enactment of the plague might just attract the white > house and give you an axis of evil designation. That's one of the many reasons Renaissance festivals aren't authentic. Usually fewer than 35% of the attendees are covered with open running sores. Incidentally, the plague responds well to penicillin, so you don't have to be afraid of it unless you're a Christian Scientist or allergic to penicillin or forget to pack any antibiotics in the glove compartment of your time machine. > I can see the title of the book now, "Why do I always get killed wearing > a Yellow crew neck". Yeah, the best episodes are all those ones where Sulu gets killed. Also I really liked the "Star Trek" / "Starlost" crossover where Chekov got into an argument with The Alien Oro over who had the yellower outfit. I think I declared it a tie with regard to the outfits but The Alien Oro definitely had the better back-to-front whole-head comb-over. > You cannot be Secret agent as your uniform gives the game away Mr Avon > Calling. No real secret agent would wear a uniform that says "SECRET AGENT UNIFORM" on it. Therefore, it's the perfect disguise for a real secret agent. Also it confuses the Commies because one of my epaulets says I'm a general and the other says I'm an admiral. And on the back of the jacket it says "EVERYTHING ON THIS JACKET IS A LIE." Always confuse the enemy. > Why you want job phoning psychic's I don't know but they should, "Hey > the next calls from Kibo, don't answer it". Hmm, I suppose I could give people grammar advice on the phone. I'm not that great at it, but I could probably help. > Non !!! I think I'd be a very good French interpreter, and in fact I can interpret French better than most French people, because when I'm translating French I don't just say what the French people are saying, I make up something completely different and much more interesting. For instance, in a movie where Roberto Benigni is dubbed into French, when he yells "MAMA MIA! C'EST BRILLIANT!" I hear "MAMA MIA! CHATEAUBRIAND!" and make up my own plot about wine and steak and ketchup and Lucille Ball. > I don't see you as having pyromaniac tendencies. Red Adair is the OPPOSITE of a pyromaniac. I have the feeling nobody here knows who Red Adair is. That's why you people are not cool. > Once you've stolen one cat the urge diminishes. Now there you're translating a French Roberto Benigni movie literally. He gets imported into France whenever they need to make a movie about a guy stealing cats. But me, I'd translate the French word for "catburglar" as "Hamburglar" and make up a better plot. You see, in France, they don't have hamburgers (they have the Metric system) so the Hamburglar just sneaks into your home while you're asleep and steals your kidneys. While we're on the subject of catburgers, at the Super 88 today I bought a jar of Chinese black pepper steak sauce where the recipe on the back of the jar wants me to add the sauce to "steak (1/2 catty)". What do I do if my steak is completely catty? Put it between Brett Somers and Charles Nelson Reilly? I won't comment on the other stuff you said, because it's time for me to take my gyoza out of the oven and eat them while watching the Senators beat the Flyers. Lately the Flyers have been about ten times as good as the Bruins, so the Senators might only win by three goals. -- K. I'll explain what Linda Hunt and Roberto Benigni are doing in this article tomorrow. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo does Jury Duty! Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 22:16:25 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 48 Message-ID: References: <3EABFC77.A92@yahoo.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c032.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051496071 30779 208.192.102.32 (28 Apr 2003 02:14:31 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 02:14:31 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474489 Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I have the feeling nobody here knows who Red Adair is. That's why you > > people are not cool. > > See, Kibo writes this and posts it to the public webforum here *after* I > already e-mailed him with S00PER SEKR1T Kibological Information which > proves that I indeed know who Red Adair is! He does this to taunt me. > And to piss me off, because he knows how hard it is to piss me off. > But basically I know who Red Adair is and even though I found out while > doing research for this year's entry into a dead pool, dammit, it means > I'm cool, and Kibo's cool, and the rest of you are not. Nobody cool would think Red Adair could ever die. Look at it this way: Bob Hope never dies, and all he ever did was to wear a suit while gently ribbing Vice Presidents. Red Adair, he wrestles burning oil wells to the ground with his bare hands. Red Adair is stronger than Paul Bunyan, Beowulf, and Magnus Arvedsson combined. Red Adair buys chewing gum made from titanium. Red Adair could knock the Moon out of orbit by punching it. Red Adair could never die, be killed, get sick, make a mistake, or lose a bet. If you dropped a nuclear bomb down the back of Red Adair's shirt, it wouldn't even go "Boom!", the bomb would just go "Waah! I'm not tough enough to consider exploding near Red Adair!" Know why they call him "Red"? Because he invented the color red and the other four primary colors, two of which are so manly only he can see them. Red Adair single-handedly built the Rocky Mountains, the Grand Canyon, and Disneyland. Red Adair uses the Eiffel Tower as a toothpick, and has a freckle that's better than the Mona Lisa. Red Adair can rip a phone book in half with his hair. Red Adair has vision that can see through Superman. Red Adair can levitate either by making himself float or by using the power of his mind to move the entire Earth away from him. Red Adair has a License To Kill but he's so cool that he doesn't go around showing it to people like that Connery loser. Red Adair always wins at tic-tac-toe, even when he lets you go first. Red Adair can do all that at the same time even though he's found time during every day of his life to be a charter member of The Clean Plate Club. That's why Red Adair is so tough that Death could never kill him. He would kill Death. He wouldn't just play chess with Death, he'd club Death over the head with a solid gold baseball bat. Red Adair is immortal, invincible, and the subject of this essay. -- K. Red Adair is neat. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo does Jury Duty! Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 14:20:20 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 41 Message-ID: References: <3EABFC77.A92@yahoo.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b147.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051553903 19224 208.192.101.147 (28 Apr 2003 18:18:23 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 18:18:23 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474582 talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Nobody cool would think Red Adair could ever die. > > > > Look at it this way: Bob Hope never dies, and all he ever did was > > to wear a suit while gently ribbing Vice Presidents. > > I really really thought you said bob hope was gently rubbing vice > presidents. > > really. That's how he invented fire. He was only middle-aged back then. Unlike those people who stay middle-aged forever, such as Angela Lansbury and Michael Gough. Except I think Michael Gough is dead, so that's two ways he's superior to Bob Hope. > is red adair cool enough to do that? > > I have to admit, the only person I can think of when you say "red > adair" is that whiney guy who won the math award, then blew up the > dinosaurs. Of course, winning a math award in a "Jurassic Park" movie just requires you to be smarter than Jeff Goldblum's character, who spends all his time saying things like "Science will never know how much one times zero is, because of chaos theory and stuff," so just counting your fingers will beat that, even after the dinosaurs bite off seven of them. Also, you get extra points if you can involve the word "Barbasol". -- K. So when is Dr. Joyce Brothers's hairstyle going to get older? It's been stuck in 1962 forever! Well, since 1962. Unless she invented it. Hey, maybe that's why she's famous! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What happened last time I was on jury duty, two years ago. Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 02:57:42 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 471 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b154.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051426548 13725 208.192.101.154 (27 Apr 2003 06:55:48 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:55:48 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474409 I just looked up the date of my last jury duty and it was only two years ago. Maybe if I'd looked it up sooner I could have been exempt. Oh well, too late for that now. Anyway, in anticipation of the nuf I'll be having on Monday ("nuf" is the opposite of "fun") here's what I experienced two years ago. -- K. The guitar I mentioned is still sitting around. It was supposed to be a prop but it apparently is now a tchotchke. Oh, and the story about the wrong type of credit card? Guess what -- it's two years later and they just sent me another one of the duds. ////////// RE-RUN! ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I survived Jury Duty! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 13 Apr 2001 17:38:35 GMT 7:52 am. I make my way into the building, past the giant line of orange cones and orange cylinders (the really skinny kind) in front of the building. I came by public transportation because the summons said that there was no parking available because I was "encouraged to use public transportation." Also, I don't own a car. 7:53 am. I go through the metal detector. It goes off. The guard asks to see my jury duty slip and tells me to take the elevator to the 2nd floor. He does not scan me to see what I'm trying to sneak in. While he's talking to me, two more people waltz through it and it goes off each time. Both are carrying large objects. I get in the elevator to go one floor, which takes about five minutes (it's one of those elevators that, for safety reasons, will not move for four minutes after any button has been pushed.) I would have taken the large and obvious stairs, but the guard SAID I had to take the elevator. 7:59 am. I get to the jury pool waiting room. I give the officer my form (on which I have written "Occupation: Political Satirist" this time because that's what my most recent business cards were form [the-Election.com] and the new ones I laid out this week [which I'm not allowed to disclose yet] haven't come back from the printer.) The officer remedies some oversights on the questionnaire and asks what city I live in, then gives me a tiny slip on which I am supposed to check whether I am White, Black, or Cape Verdean. I check "White" because I look white. I tell the guy "Wow, this is the quietest I've ever seen it here," because there are only two of us in line and not the usual 500. He laughs and says "That's 'cause we split it up." 8:01 am. I go to the vending machines in a little room off to one side of the jury pool room. I want to buy E6, Chewy SweetTarts, but the spiral clamp things go around and it fails to drop. So I resign myself to getting a second packet of E6, but it turns out there are Nestle Crunch bars hidden behind the only packet of Chewy SweetTarts. I go right past the several large signs that say "NO FOOD IN AREA", sit down, and have breakfast. (Gatorade from the subway station, Lipton Brisk, Nestle Crunch, Chewy SweetTarts, and generic gummi blue fruits from here.) Hey, if they didn't want me to eat in the "NO FOOD IN AREA" area, they shouldn't have put in vending machines that tried to rip me off. 8:03 am. There is a TV in the jury room which is showing "Today" on Channel 7. It tells me, over and over, that it is Friday the 13th 'cause that is so important. Willard Scott wishes some old people a happy birthday (which is represented by superimposing a picture of them on the back label of a jar of Smucker's strawberry jam as part of a bizarre product placement deal to represent centenarians as jam ingredients.) The TV continues to tell me that Michael Skankel, an evil peripheral semi-Kennedy, is going to court at long last over the murder of his neighbor twenty years ago. Gosh, I hope he's getting tried in Massachusetts. And gosh, I'm glad I wrote "Political Satirist" on my questionnaire. Nyah. 8:12 am. I use the men's room, which still has the signs on and above the door which some court officer made himself with his kid's wood-burning set. Mmm! They're scorched in cursive! It must have been a curly forest fire! I change seats to be closer to the silly lavender-carpeted raised stage at the front of the room, so that I can better see the court officer's daily performance of why we shouldn't even try to argue with them about our jury duty. No matter how many times I see it, it just keeps getting better. And I make sure that my seat also has a good view of the Willard Scott TV because I know they're also going to play that tape of local shysters telling us how jury duty is Our Civic Obligation just in case we don't like jury duty but like ambulance-chasers. (My favorite local ambulance-chaser: "We're the larr offices of Dane M. Shulman, and we'll work haaaad to get you the money you deserve.") 8:29 am. I run out of stuff to write about. Interestingly, the big clock here agrees with my wristwatch despite the fact that I like to keep my watch three minutes fast to make me three minutes early for fun things like jury duty. 8:32 am. Channel 7 tells me yet again what a great day it is outside. I wouldn't know. All the windows here have a view of a giant air conditioner suspended in the exact center of the glass. I continue eating my Chewy SweetTarts in the front row to see if the officer will say anything when he makes his speech. But, of course, I was supposed to be here at 8:00, so they probably won't do anything until 8:45 or 9:00. Matt Lauer: "It's Friday, the 13th day of April in the year 2001... of course, that makes this Friday the 13th!" TV is brainy. But then Matt Lauer reassures us that it's mitigated by the fact that it's Good Friday. And Willard Scott further reassures us that we will all someday get really old if we eat Smucker's. Mmm, geriatric jam. Is it always Smucker's, or do they sometimes superimpose the old-timers on other household products? "Here are today's Roach Motel birthdays..." 8:39 am. The SweetTarts were a good purchase because they take a long time to eat, unless I want to spend the day with broken teeth in a court of law. 8:44 am. I go to the bathroom again. That iced tea sure works fast in the morning. I note that the bathroom faucet knobs are spring-loaded to make it impossible for one-handed people to practice any sort of hygiene. When I leave, the TV is telling me how long it takes to paint paisley on an Easter egg. When I come back, the woman is nattering about how much she loves an Easter egg painted to look like a VW Beetle. I have the same instinctive reaction to these eggs as Malcolm McDowell at the end of "A Clockwork Orange". 8:52 am. I finish reading the 39 a.r.k articles that have arrived since midnight. I compose a few replies. However, since I don't have an offline newsreader, I have to save them for later transmission, instead of queueing them for later transmission. (My newsreader doesn't have an offline mode, so before leaving home I simply opened all 39 windows and put the laptop to sleep.) "Today" is still nattering away inanely. This is the worst thing I've seen on NBC since the "Triumph Of The Will"-inspired propaganda piece set to the tune of Beethoven's 9th in the womb-shaped "NBC Panasonic HDTV Theater" in the NBC store in the NBC building in NBC NYC. But that was coupled with getting to go on a desk ride with Conan O'Brien (and the relatively less important Matt McIrvin) whereas the most exciting ride in the jury duty room is Watch The Chewy SweetTarts Not Fall Out Of The Plastic Helix. 8:57 am. "Today" has a story interviewing people who tried to send Al Gore a special mirror that won't reverse left and right, so he could properly act as an "alpha male" after parting his hair the other way in the non-reversing mirror, but, "It's very hard to change the part in a man's hair." (Impossible, if you believe Commander Koenig.) Matt Lauer added, "Kinda confusing, innit?" Now the TV is advertising Conan O'Brien just to taunt me about the lack of late-night-TV-inspired rides in this boring room with lavender carpeting and not one candy shoppe filled with little plastic trash cans with NBC logos printed on them because it's NBC brand garbage candy. I am not making that up, NBC thinks putting the peacock on anything is a good idea. Someone should suggest toilet paper. I wonder if this means Willard Scott will start putting elderly people on trash cans. 9:02 am. They're starting even later than usual. Usually they berate us about how jury duty is a wonderful thing at 8:45. I am starting to lose my faith in the system. There are only about 25 jurors here, so I bet we are all one jury panel. And I am the Walrus, goo-goo-gajoob! Oh, kill me, Regis Philbin's show is coming on, and it will feature an interview with the latest reject from "Survivor". Why can't they make us watch something more exciting, like the CNN Airport Channel? Regis explains how weird it is that Good Friday is also Friday The 13th. I am once again frightened by the contradiction of TWO VERY IMPORTANT RELIGIOUS DOCTRINES!!! THE FLAWLESS CONTINUITY OF THE BIBLE WAS RUINED!!! Regis is now explaining how amazing it is that the Easter Bunny can visit all those homes even though he doesn't have magic reindeer like Santa. "Here's my theory: There's more than one Easter Bunny." Audience: (loud gasp of horror) Kelly explains that because the spy-plane crew released to the Chinese got to "come home to Hawaii", "it almost makes it all worth it." Great flerking schnit, I knew that morning TV was vapid but I had no idea just how vapid. This makes "Highlights For Children" look like "Principia Mathematica". Regis is now talking about how much he likes "Barry Levinson, the famed director." You know, the guy who made "Toys". And he's dropping names. Regis was at a party with JON STEWART! WOW! Regis is telling a story about how George Young once car-pooled with Barry Levinson with "back in 1967 and '68 when everybody was discovering marijuana and dope." Who's George Young, and would someone please help Regis discover marijuana and/or dope? Regis: "Is that an incredible story?" Kelly: "It really is! And what's more amazing is that Barry didn't get sucked into that world of sitting on a lounge chair!" 9:16 a.m. They turn off the TV an we have to take off our hats and stand as a judge (not a court officer) gives us the standard speech about how great jury duty is. However, this time, instead of telling us that jury service used to be three days and is now just one wonderful day, she tells us that many years ago it used to be thirty days. This is followed by a fifteen-minute videotape, which is the same one as always, except that they have reshot the beginning to feature the new Chief Justice of the State Supreme Court. She gives the same speech as the other judge, including the part about how in caveman times people had to serve for thirty days, except that she talks about how jury duty is a "gweat pwiviwedge." Also, they added a line where she apologized for the "less than ideal" conditions in our jury waiting room and assured us that they would renovate it soon. The tape also shows nothing but 12-person juries while it's talking about civil and criminal trials, despite the fact that in this building they only do 6-person juries and no civil trials. Also, it emphasized the importance of reading our Juror's Handbook, which they didn't bother to mail me, and they didn't bother to hand them out when we came in either. Want to bet they also don't mail me the certificate that excuses me from serving again when they accidentally summons me a second time this year? It's not nearly as good a piece of propaganda about the wonders of our jury system as the "Happy Days" episode where Fonzie and Mr. C were on the jury with the racist guy who wanted to convict the black man until Fonzie explained that British motorcycles have the accelerator on the opposite side. 9:41 a.m. The videotape is over and we're told we can go out for coffee because they know they won't call for any juries before 10:15. So I spend a few minutes typing this up and then I finish peeing away the iced tea. I go exploring and can't find the press room immediately (I was hoping to find a place to dial out from my laptop) so I go down the hall and buy a small salad and a can of V-8 at the coffee shop. I go back to the little room with the vending machines and eat the salad. It has croutons supplied in a Baggie. While I was eating another guy came in and struck up a conversation with me. He was a nice guy, but I didn't feel like talking very much right then. I was less than loquacious because (a) I wanted to eat my lunch within the 15 minutes remaining and (b) he wanted to talk about the O.J. trial. And guess what? This guy was retired! What are the chances of bumping into a retired person on jury duty? (This is why Massachusetts sends out summonses every six months even though you're only required to serve every three years -- the moment you turn 65 you start anxiously checking the mailbox every day just to see if you've won a free trip to jury land!) The court officer said they were going to show us a movie on the TV after the propaganda tape, but the screen is just solid blue. In any case, I prefer "Solid Blue: The Motion Picture" to Willard Scott and those other bozos. (Willard was not only one of the original Bozos, but he was also the first Ronald McDonald. Too bad his career bottomed out and he was reduced to being a weather clown instead of a more respectable clown.) I relieve myself again. I don't normally pee nearly this often, but I've very tired (I got very little sleep last night, and also I had to get up eight hours before normal) and so my bladder has no stamina whatsoever and can only contain a teaspoon of iced tea at any given time. I'm also so tired I can't figure out what letter I omitted from "teaspoon", mainly because I didn't omit any. 10:16 am. I check the E-mail I downloaded this morning and see that people are spamming an address I've used only on eBay. And I notice that a lot of the recent spam is addressed to that address and kibo96@aol.com, kibo8@hotmail.com, kibo7@hotmail.com, kibo6@hotmail.com, kibo4@hotmail.com, kibo3@hotmail.com, kibo.maskinteknik@telia.com, kibny@hotmail.com, kibns@hotmail.com, kibnet@hotmail.com, kibneb@hotmail.com ...so I add a new E-mail filter to despam anything addressed to certain of those. I also make a mental note to do a Web search on "kibo.maskinteknik@telia.com", which is a very interesting-looking one. 10:17 am. While I'm typing the above, the court officer pops in a rented videotape, and doesn't even bother to fast-forward past the extended commercial for "Disney's Atlantis" at the start. I don't know what movie this is going to be, but I bet it's from Disney, so I can't imagine it's anything I would want to see. On the other hand, it's free, and I undoubtedly haven't seen it, given that it's a Disney release, unless it stars computer-animated toys. I assume that this videotape is licensed only for private viewing in homes, and not public exhibition in places like state courthouses. I have half a mind to call Disney's lawyers and have them sue the Commonwealth of Massachusetts into the ground for once and for all. The V-8 gave me lots of gas. Or maybe it was the salad with the cucumbers and radishes and stuff. We're now into the fourth trailer ("Disney's Atlantis", "Disney's 102 Dalmatians", "Disney's Aladdin", and "Disney's The Kid") and I have the distinct feeling that this is a Disney brand videotape. Please don't be Pauly Shore in "Jury Duty"! Please please please! It's "Remember The Titans", a film I'm not going to bother paying any attention to. I mean, it's about high school football. Not even real football! The only way to make it less exciting to me would be to make it about elementary school XFL. 10:47 am. I was bored enough that I wrote a fan letter to the guy who animated Clippy the happy paper clip from Microsoft Office. -> I will never understand why Microsoft didn't buy Clippy his own -> Saturday-morning show. I mean, they did "The Adventures Of Rubik -> The Amazing Cube" and I'm sure something like "Clippy And The -> Staple Gang In Outer Space" would have been oodles better. Still no sign of any "jury" or "duty" in my jury duty, just sitting here making loud typing noises while people are trying to watch a movie about the desegregation of high school football. (This particular laptop actually has a very quiet keyboard, I suspect that portable computers are designed with that in mind, as opposed to IBM's desktop keyboards which were originally designed to reassure secretaries who were used to manual typewriters that went "KER!!! CHUNK!!! AHHH!!!" after every key was pounded. My keyboard just makes gentle tapping sounds. And the letters are starting to wear off the "o", "t", and "a" keys. And the right side of the space bar is really shiny.) I think I need to stretch my legs now. 10:54 am. I've moved from the front to the rear of the room. There's less video back here and a window is actual open to let in cool air, which is nice given that the heaters are on (and my laptop is heating up my lap with its lap-shaped metal heat sink.) So, I am sitting on the windowsill about thirty feet from most of the other jurors, who are watching the free movie or reading quietly. Looking out this window allowed me to verify that the back of the building is also surrounded by orange cones. 11:05 am. I spell-check this. I fix "hygeine" and tell this program that no, it should not be "corrected" to "Lippy the happy paper clip." The spell-checker knows "Zippy", though. So I can write about pinheads without fear of false accusation of typos. I note that this room has about 58 Xeroxed signs saying "NO SMOKING / PROHIBIDO FUMAR" where "NO SMOKING" is in Helvetica Black (horizontally squished) but "PROHIBIDO FUMAR" is in what appears to be the medium weight of Linotype Spartan II (horizontally squished.) I wonder where they got it. (Spartan is a Futura knockoff, some variants of which have chamfered angles as in this "M" in "FUMAR". Real Futura and most of its other clones have acute angles in the "M" in the light to medium weights. And this certainly isn't Century Gothic, Avant Garde, Avenir, or any other common geometric sans-serif.) Yesterday I bought eight new rechargeable AA batteries for my camera for this occasion, but I forgot to charge them, so I have to continue using the four disposable ones I bought at the supermarket to photograph their sign advertising "Chicken Winos". (Someone had figured out that the hand-written signs would look neater if they held a ruler up to the sign as they drew. They hadn't figured out that some letters need to have descenders.) I brought some work with me I could be doing right now (a script I need to polish, for actual remuneration) but I'm so sleepy that near the top of this log I typed "write" when I meant "right", and earlier in this sentence I typed "right" when I mean "write". And while I was typing it, they announced: 11:17 am. They told us to go home. We didn't even get to find out whether black people and white people were ever allowed to play high school football together. Nor did I finish my Chewy SweetTarts. I went outside to finish typing this up in front of the giant line of orange cones. I had some errands to run, so afterwards I decided to do things like go to frickin' Sovereign Bank to complain that they had secretly replaced my gold card with an ugly red card. So, because it was a nice day, I decided to walk a roundabout route through downtown Boston. I headed down past the Old State House (unfortunately, they were no longer having that exhibition of pictures of famous Boston fires) and visited the Rand McNally store, where I bought four maps, which I was careful to ensure were NOT drawn by Rand McNally. Three were "iMap" brand maps. I had considered the purchase of a $300 "eMap" handheld GPS-enabled digital mapping unit, but then I discovered that what I needed for walking around big cities were these "iMaps", which are just detailed downtown maps with little Cracker Jack compasses glued to them and a flap listing useful phone numbers. I went around Quincy Market -- which I hadn't been to in a few years because, let's face it, it's only for lame tourists who have never seen a pedestrial mall -- stopping only at the little magic shop at the end, to see if they had any tricks which were lamer than the ones at the professional magicians' shop in the South End (where I had seen the "Pride & Joy" trick, the "lighter and heavier" trick, the "say what is printed beneath your zodiac sign" trick, etc.) but the tourist-oriented shop's small selection of magic tricks were all things which might have actually entertained children, unlike "Pride & Joy". There were two boys in there wearing magician's capes and clear plastic hockey masks strapped to their faces because it appeared they were recovering from either burns or severe bee attacks. The clear Jason masks looked uncomfortable but not as much so as anything Doug Henning ever wore. Then, I walked through Haymarket (which is where local farmers sell vegetables which are less rancid than the ones at the supermarkets -- big city supermarkets get the worst produce) and noted that one of the halal meat markets in that area has a "MEAT BARGAIN BASEMENT", which is a frightening concept in more ways than one. I went to my bank -- the branch where I had opened my account, near North Station -- and there was nobody there to help me, despite the fact that lunchtime is their busiest time of day. (Lots of Big Dig, Inverted Y, and Green Line Superplatform reconstruction workers were in there in orange vests.) There was one woman fumbling with a mouse, but after I tried to catch her eye a few times she left, leaving "Let's see how you did! Your score is: 80%!" on her screen along with an animated picture of a guy jumping up and down spastically (more obnoxious than Clippy) because she passed Fleet's rigorous examination. The other desk had a computer which said "Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to log in." I waited for about 20 minutes, and read the police blotter page of the Beacon Hill Gazette, but nobody even tried to help me, so I left. Screw them and their sovereign attitude. I got on a train and headed for the Berklee College Of Music so that I could buy some guitar strings. Sure, I could have bought the Student Acoustic Guitar Strings at Toys R Us on Tuesday, but I think electric ones would work better. Even though the guitar in question can't ever be plugged in, because first someone smashed the jack for the amplifier, and then someone else put a sticker over the hole and covered it with a thick layer of enamel paint. I just need some strings that won't make people say "Hey! I bet those strings used to be as long as the guitar when they weren't all broken and tangled and rusty and stuff!" when they see them from a safe distance. My computer's battery is running down already... Stupid battery. I don't know if this is the two-year-old or the one-year-old one, but neither is capable of holding a charge for five hours any more. More like two hours at best. And that's with the computer set to run at one-fourth normal speed. (It's not like I'm doing radiosity rendering or anything. I just need a window I can type into, so I don't care if the processor is going slowly. If it goes as fast as I can type, that's fast enough.) I went to either Daddy's Junky Music or the Berklee bookstore, I'm not sure which 'cause I'm writing this in advance, and I bought my guitar strings. Then I probably went home and won a billion dollars from Ed McMahon. -- K. I hope I didn't forget to post this. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: White Castles in the news Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 05:45:06 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 393 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b154.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051436594 13386 208.192.101.154 (27 Apr 2003 09:43:14 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 09:43:14 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474413 Mark Hill kindly sent me this article he said he found in The Chicago Sun-Times: -> -> Police waiting for movement in diamond theft -> -> Published March 7, 2003 -> -> It's not every day that my readers can help solve a mystery. -> -> This one involves a stolen $40,000 diamond and a suspect who is being -> fed sacks of White Castle sliders by Chicago police so they can retrieve it. -> -> And this is your lucky day to play detective chef. -> -> So put on your detective hats, or your chef hats, and think up some -> delicious crime-fighting recipe--you'll figure out why soon enough-- -> to help the police crack this case. Although I generally do not comment on the wittiness of reporters' attempts at puns, I feel I must point out that someone probably snickered for several minutes when they typed the last sentence: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha CRACK the case! I put an ass-crack joke in this serious bastion of journalistic integrity!" Then Roger Ebert came into the office to see what was so funny. Then they both said "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha CRACK the case!" and took turns mooning each other and laughing until they passed out. And when they woke up, someone had put Ebert's hand on the other guy's butt! -> Let's call it "The Case of the Immovable Stone." -> -> According to police and diamond merchants at the Mallers Building--the -> jewelers building at 5 S. Wabash Ave.-- here's what happened: -> -> A few days ago, a man entered the building, walked into one of the -> stores and asked to see some expensive diamonds. That's the first sign something was wrong with this guy. Any sane person would want to see cheap diamonds. I've learned the hard way that it's not a good idea to go into a store, let's say Star Market, and say something like "All these cans of Dr Pepper are the same price! Get me a can of Dr Pepper which is EXPENSIVE! I want to see more digits on the price tag!" -> "He picked one up and then started coughing and covered his mouth to -> cough," said a detective source. "Then he returned the diamond. But it -> wasn't the same diamond. It was a piece of junk. He tried a switch. And -> the jeweler started screaming. They held him until our guys got there." -> -> What did he do with the real stone? -> -> "He swallowed it," said the source. "He just swallowed that big rock -> down. We put him in the 1st District lockup, and we waited for that -> stone to come out, if you know what I mean." -> -> I know what you mean. URGENT NEWS FLASH: REPORTER IS DEMONSTRATING HE UNDERSTANDS THE CONCEPT OF POO. Then Roger Ebert slapped him on the shoulder and gave him a key to the executive washroom so he would no longer have to use the filthy little one for reporters who don't know how poop works. -> "And we've been waiting and waiting, and one poor cop has to examine his -> business if you know what I mean, and still, no stone, if you know what -> I mean," the detective said. -> -> Unfortunately, I know what he means. URGENT NEWS FLASH: REPORTER REMEMBERS THAT HE STILL KNOWS THE CONCEPT OF POO. Then a bunch of people started dancing through the hallways carrying pennants that had "Cubs" crossed out and "Poo Callback" written in. -> "And we're still waiting, if you know what I mean," the detective said, -> "and the guy from the district who's examining the business, with -> plastic gloves, well, it's driving him crazy a little bit." URGENT NEWS FLASH: REPORTER FORGOT TO PROVE FOR A THIRD TIME THAT HE KNOWS THAT "IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN" REFERS TO THE POO THAT WAS REPEATEDLY MENTIONED. Then Roger Ebert took the key away and called the cleaning crew for an emergency executive washroom hosedown. -> There is a word for such a detail, but I can't use it here. Some -> officers at the 1st District are worried about the mental strain on -> their colleague. So I called the poor guy with the terrible job. And then he said "I feel so sorry for you on such a slow news day." -> "Oh God, I'm not going to say a thing," said the troubled officer. "You -> can call my commander." -> -> The commander of the 1st District is John Risley, who was not available -> when I called. But later a source familiar with the search mission -> insisted that the officer volunteered for the duty. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha DOOTY!" -> Are you seriously asking me to believe that? -> -> "Yes," said the source. "He volunteered. Don't you believe me?" -> -> No. -> -> Pat Camden, a Chicago police spokesman, confirmed the problem. -> -> "We've got a suspect with a large 3-carat diamond in him, but he can't -> be charged until that diamond is recovered and it hasn't yet, -> completely," Camden said. "They say it's about $40,000 worth of diamond, -> lodged in his lower intestine, according to the X-rays. Three carats is -> a lot of carats. It's a big stone." 3 carats = a pea. (1 kt is about 6.25 mm in diameter with a normal cut, so 3 kt would be the cube root of 3 times 6.25 mm, or 9 mm.) -> Camden said there are "extenuating circumstances." -> -> Two X-ray examinations on Thursday showed that the rock had not moved. -> Doctors have warned police not to give the suspect any special laxatives -> because that might force the diamond against the intestine and cause -> serious damage. Doctors said it was OK to feed the guy, though. DAMN THOSE DOCTORS NOT ALLOWING US TO STARVE STUPID CROOKS TO DEATH! -> Other police sources said the suspect has made a statement--not a full -> confession, but a little small talk--and they're investigating. -> -> But what can they really investigate until they get that $40,000 diamond? -> -> They could wait for the evidence to appear. But they have to charge him -> soon, so police took the initiative. Like not throwing out the X-rays? -> They ordered up some scrumptious White Castles. And the officer with the -> terrible job started feeding the suspect the sliders. So, these doctors didn't have degrees in nutrition. -> "Just regular sliders, onions, with everything, no cheese," said a cop. -> "The feeling was that a bag of sliders will do the job. We're hoping." I thought so once, too. But I think my system has become acclimated to White Castles and they no longer have any significant effect. Incidentally, "with everything, no cheese" on a White Castle burger means a plain burger with dried onion flakes. (Some areas also add a paper-thin pickle slice that completely dominates the flavor of the burger, and others add a nearly-transparent pink ketchup that tastes like Hawaiian Punch. I don't know which, if either, of those luxurious toppings grace the Chicago version of the Slyder.) I had four of the frozen ones today. I think I microwaved them too long. They weren't squishy enough. -> The White Castle folks sell their product with the slogan "What You -> Crave." And there are many craving-related subjects on their Web site, -> including the "Craver's Hall of Fame," in which this suspect should be -> enshrined once he is charged. -> -> But what if sliders don't work? Then what? -> -> "Red beans and rice from Popeye's, and spicy chicken," said my friend -> George. -> -> "What about some bean soup, that Greek bean soup?" said another -> detective-chef, referring to the delicious fassolatha served at the -> Cambridge House restaurant on Ohio Street. "That'll work." How about some roughage from eating all this newsprint which would otherwise be wasted on a slow news day? -> One person wise in the ways of science suggested Metamucil, served up -> before the suspect goes to sleep. -> -> I figure some boiled dandelion greens with olive oil and lemon might do, -> or Grape-Nuts. -> -> You might have some different ideas to send me. -> -> But hurry. Please, for that officer's sake, if you know what I mean. I forgot what you mean. Are you still talking about Jar Jar? I did a little digging on the Web and found a followup column from two days later. Both are by ace reporter John Kass. ("Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha kASS. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ASS reporter.") He writes for the Chicago Tribune, not the Chicago Sun-Times, which means I have to stop making fun of Roger Ebert (with the Sun-Times) now that I found out that Mark Hill doesn't know where his poop stories are coming from. => As Slyder tales go, this 1 turns out to be a gem => => John Kass => => March 9, 2003 Ah, I see it only took the Chicago Tribune's copy editor two days to look up the spelling of "Slyder"(R) on the White Castle Web site that the guy who couldn't spell Slyder said he was quoting from. => Aveteran Chicago cop called with a tip in the Case of the Immovable => Stone. => => "The eagle has landed," he announced. => => Loyal readers know the case involves a stolen $40,000 diamond, the => fool who swallowed it last week, and sacks of White Castle burgers => used by police in hope of solving the crime. => => "Here's a follow-up," the cop said Friday. "The eagle landed at 0745 => this morning. But is that 0745 AM in the morning or 0745 PM in the morning? Good work, copy editor. => The offender released the diamond." => => You know what he means. NO I DON'T! STOP TORTURING ME! I'M NOT AS SMART AS YOU MR. POOPY REPORTER! PLEASE HELP ME BY SAYING "TURDS" WHEN YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT TURDS! => Police officials confirmed it and said Peter Mannix, 40, of Des => Plaines, was charged with felony theft. He did it to impress a => woman, they said. And that woman's name: Blanca Castilla! And she was married to the inventor of the toilet, B.M. Crapper! And he was the adopted son of the invented of the bra, Boobsie Titzencupper! (Has any woman ever actually been impressed by anything stupid men do to impress them? "WOO I GONNA GET ME SOME CHICKS BY CRUSHING THIS BEER CAN ON MY EYEBALL!") => Were there any words of contrition or cries of pain? => => "The report did not indicate any pain," said a police spokesman. => "But I don't think he got hemorrhoids. And the jewel was recovered." => => So the $40,000 jewelry robbery was solved, although strangely, => police now say the 3-carat gem is valued at only $37,500. => => That's amazing. I thought that diamonds with fascinating criminal => histories only increase in value. => => "Usually, yes," said my friend Moshe, a diamond merchant. "But in => this case, I don't think so." Well, see, the guy ate $2,500 worth of White Castles. Nearly ten thousand. => Wouldn't a bride-to-be relish telling her friends all about her => special diamond? "Ha ha ha ha ha RELISH. Wait, no, that's not even as funny a pun as the ones about poo-poo. Never mind. Roger, get out of my office and go back to your own paper, I don't actually have any White Castles here." => Just to make sure, we called the victim of the theft, Tucker Inc. => Jeweler, at 5 S. Wabash Ave. => => "No comment, no comment!" said a gentleman with a high-pitched => voice. => => Another reporter talked to a Mr. Tucker, who said he didn't want => publicity. When we called back to speak to him, the angry => high-pitched voice guy answered instead. => => "Sir! If you call here again, I'm going to call the police!" And then the reporter was arrested and given free White Castles for a few days just to make sure he hadn't swallowed anything important. => Mannix had been kept in the lockup for days, the diamond stubbornly => lodged in his intestine. This infuriated a police officer whose job => it was to search for evidence at least three times a day. => => Doctors prohibited police from using laxatives for fear of hurting => Mannix. But they allowed tasty treats. The only time it's safe to take laxatives is when you don't need them. (That's Metamucil's whole marketing strategy.) => So the ingenious Central District cops fed him sacks of those => delicious White Castle Slyders. It worked. => => I called White Castle corporate headquarters to congratulate them, => and to nominate Mannix to the White Castle "Cravers Hall of Fame." => => Corporate bosses said that if the public supports his nomination on => their Web site, Mannix might be their man of the year. => => "We've been in Chicago since 1928," said Jamie Richardson, national => marketing director for White Castle. "And because we've been in => Chicago so long, we're not at all surprised at the resourcefulness => of the Chicago police force. => => "And we're so happy that we could be helpful," he said, poignantly. It's the first time White Castle burgers have ever had a beneficial effect. => I had my doubts that White Castle Slyders would work. And to my => everlasting shame, I asked readers to send in their own food-related => remedies to dislodge the diamond. => => I betrayed you, I told Richardson. I betrayed the Slyder craver's => code. Forgive me, please, I cried. => => "Don't feel sad," he said. "Don't worry about it. We know you're a => craver." => => So many readers put on chef-detective hats and sent in home remedies => to dislodge the diamond that I can't possibly list them all. => => Sean Casey, a young golf nut from the western suburbs, suggested 11 => pints of Guinness and a large gyros sandwich. => => "Isn't that a great combo?" Casey asked. Depends. Is a "gyros sandwich" a gyros jammed inside a bulkie roll? Or is it just something you can eat at 0745 in the morning? And what about a gyros donair? => Young moms suggested Gerber's strained prunes. Other folks offered => pineapple, oatmeal, various sausages, spiced cabbages and ethnic => foods from every continent. That's what makes White Castles unique. They have no ethnic flavor of any sort. They were invented at the core of the Earth equidistant from all people who have taste buds. One of the reason you can eat ten of them at a time is that they're made of equal parts air and water and not much else. Also, I want to know the secret laxative recipe from Antarctica that the reporter claims to know. => A Scottish woman said her country's national dish, traditional => haggis--cooked sheep intestines and a treat I have not yet had the => good fortune to sample-- would work. => => Sheila Hagar, a far-flung reader from Milton-Freewater, Ore., said => psychology was the key. => => "Here's what works on my kids," said the mother of six. "The threat => of doing dinner dishes. No matter what's on the menu, if they have => to do dishes that night, they run to the bathroom and stay there, => insisting they're too busy. So put this guy [Mannix] on KP. Six kids => and I have never seen it fail." => => Readers also shared their histories about items they had swallowed => years ago. And the 288-point type on the front page of the Chicago Tribune said: "SLOWEST NEWS DAY EVER" => "In 1942 in Czechoslovakia, I swallowed a round whistle," said => Vlasta Giese, 80. "I rushed to the doctor. He immediately => recommended I eat only sauerkraut, either raw or cooked, and wash it => down with a good Czech pilsner. If I were a doctor and someone swallowed a whistle at age 19, I'd recommend they eat only Thorazine. Also, you're supposed to inhale whistles, not swallow them. => "In a couple of days the whistle came out. End of problem." And then the editor screamed "STOP THE PRESSES!" so they could replate the front page: "TOOT-TOOT FROM POOP CHUTE" => She still eats sauerkraut, "but only the type found in the dairy => section or in glass jars." => => Giese is a true kraut craver, but I'll stick with my Slyders. And => I can't wait to hear the testimony in this case, when it comes to => court. => => I know you crave that testimony too. Actually, I only bought the paper to see if there was a war somewhere. But apparently there isn't. Just people swallowing objects. The world is perfect! Except for the stuff about people swallowing stuff. -- K. The actual Chicago Tribune headline today: "Six Iraqis Die in Blast at Weapons Dump" Ha ha ha ha ha DUMP! Ha ha ha ha DIED! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: also, I apologize... Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 21:41:40 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 11 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c032.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051493984 2185 208.192.102.32 (28 Apr 2003 01:39:44 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 01:39:44 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474487 ...for referring to Joe Bob Briggs as "Joe Bob Thornton". But he really should be a Thornton of some sort. Anyway, now you have another data point regarding the secret compression system my brain uses to store so much data. -- K. That reminds me, I need to trim my hair tonight to avoid the Disraeli 'do. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I still haven't gotten over my previous jury duty. Please help. Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 00:06:11 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 95 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c051.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051502694 15892 208.192.102.51 (28 Apr 2003 04:04:54 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 04:04:54 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474501 I have jury duty tomorrow morning, so I've been re-reading what I wrote about my last jury duty (two years ago) in order to prepare myself to experience the unbelievable horror of doing my civic duty by sitting in an unventilated room with a TV showing "Good Morning America" all day (only the jury waiting room gets the eighteen-hour edition.) I posted the following article in April 2001, and I'm still waiting for answers to these questions. Please give me something to read tomorrow morning other than the weather map on "Good Morning America". Thank you. -- K. If it helps, I like to read things which contain words and pictures. ////////// RE-RUN /////////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Very important, please read, or I will cry. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Thu, 12 Apr 2001 21:26:20 -0400 I have jury duty tomorrow (Friday.) Sure, I deferred it to a Friday, and a Friday that happened to be on the 13th, and a Friday the 13th that happened to be Good Friday, and a Good Friday the 13th that happened to be right before a three-day-weekened for a state holiday (Patriot's Day aka Stupid Marathon Day is Monday) but even under these ideal circumstances they haven't bothered cancelling my juror service. So, I will be bringing my laptop computer in a feeble, desperate attempt to not be bored. What I would like everyone to do is to post a new short story RIGHT NOW so that tomorrow I will have some stuff I can quietly enjoy in the back of the courtroom while some boring person is on trial. In case you don't have any ideas to write about, here are some questions to get you started: * How would the U.S. economy change if people decided to stop wearing clothes except for neckties? * What would happen if L. Ron Hubbard was the host of "Match Game"? * There are some kinds of food it is physically impossible to have sex with. Should scientists remedy this through genetic engineering? * "Star Trek" was cancelled just when it was starting to get bad. What plots would they have done during the fourth season? * Imagine that all inanimate objects could talk. How would you shut them up? * Taco Bell now offers an "improved" version of their fake steak soft taco. It contains tiny cubes of artificial burnt steak ("carnitas style" shoe leather) in a "creamy" "lime" "sauce". Can you devise a method, machine, or deity for punishing all Taco Bell employees worldwide for the screamy slime sludge? * Suppose some people are stranded on a desert island -- a boat captain, a sailor, a rich guy, Mrs. Rich Guy, a bad actress, a scientist, and a brunette. And they were all intelligent. Would that be possible? * In an effort to promote international understanding, the Communists and the Americans cooperate to build a subway linking their two countries. What sort of annoying musicians would hang out in this subway, and what would their personal hygiene be like? * Alfred Hitchcock never got around to completing his final film, a movie detailing the terrifying horrors of blue Jell-O. Can you? * Is Bill Gates a girl? So, please post a short story, a novella, or a film script any time within the next 24 hours, and I will be entertained. I promise to be entertained by whatever you write, unless you don't write something, in which case I reserve my right to not be entertained by whatever you didn't bother writing. Also, when I'm done, I'll tell you all about my jury duty. That will be the sign that it's okay to switch to being boring. -- K. Hmm, I think Terri Tickle is being arraigned tomorrow. ////////// END OF RE-RUN //////////////////////////////////////////////// (I knew I should've paid extra to get a laptop computer that could play DVDs in courthouses, but no, I had to be cheap and get the one that just gets alt.religion.kibology.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I still haven't gotten over my previous jury duty. Please help. Date: Thu, 01 May 2003 20:11:55 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 84 Message-ID: References: <20030428131950.22104.00000207@mb-m12.aol.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b159.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051834198 26047 208.192.101.159 (2 May 2003 00:09:58 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 2 May 2003 00:09:58 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:475023 [when last we left, Kibo wanted alt.religion.kibology to be entertaining during jury duty] "Lots42 bomb vice president" (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Please give me something to read tomorrow morning other than the > > weather map on "Good Morning America". > > Thank you. > > You know how some electrical devices come with computer manuals? How you > open them up and there's pieces of paper lined up with each other and > words are on them? Well, imagine if someone did that but instead put > fiction in them! You know, how some webpages have stories that aren't > true. Imagine if they printed them out in computer manual form! > > What a world that would be, huh? Well, it's TRUE. Yes, wonders like this > already exist. They are called books and there are thousands of them. Like > stories about space battles? Some books have them.What about time travel? > Yes, that too. Or even those cool guys and gals from the tv show 'Buffy > The Vampire Slayer'? Yes, books with original stories of them are out > there also! > > Gosh, the excitement. I think I have to sit down and cry with joy. Well, you see, "Lots42 bomb vice president", if that IS your real name, I considered sitting in the jury pool room (which has no pool) trying to translate "Beowulf" in that unventilated atmosphere surrounded by codgers constantly complaining at full volume about the heat, but it's really hard to do so while someone three inches from your ear is yelling at you: "IT'S TOO HOT! IT'S TOO HOT! THEY OUGHTA FIX THE CONSTITUTION TO DO SOMETHIN' ABOUT THIS! IT'S TOO HOT! WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME, I SAID IT'S TOO HOT!" Just try working out which of Hrghatharghaeiouy and Hrthaghathaeiouw is Beowulf's grandfather's wife's cousin's thane under those conditions, keeping in mind that if you slip up, the whole story is ruined, because while the sissy Vikings spent all their free time carving cute, cartoony chess sets, the Anglo-Saxons devoted all their energy to trying to confuse people. Also "Beowulf" is hard to read because it's an out-and-out rip-off of "The Lord Of The Rings" but with more stuff happening per page. So you see, the anti-intellectual atmosphere of jury duty causes me to seek out forms of stimulation requiring only partial cognition. The choices are watching "Good Morning, America" (because TV is stupid) or reading "O" magazine (because Oprah is stupid) or reading alt.religion.kibology (hi, Lots42!) Of course, there is the drawback that having a laptop computer causes strangers to want to talk to you. Although having a pad of paper and a pencil doesn't make people come up to you and demand to know what you're writing and to whom you're writing and how often you've slept with her, having a laptop computer seems to entitle these people to (a) read over your shoulder and (b) inquire the precise nature of your private business. Wearing a "Red Sox" jersey is a signal that you would be happy if people walked up to you and asked you whether you think the Yankees suck more or less than they used to. Carrying around a cat is a signal that you wouldn't mind people talking to you about kitties. But typing on a keyboard is NOT an advertisement that you can carry on a conversation while you're tying. (And these people act as if I'm the rude one when I give them the brush-off while I'm trying to type. Sheesh, go buy a cell phone.) Back when I had a digital camera but not a portable computer, when I would be reviewing photos on the camera's little screen to kill time on the train, people would ask me, "Is that a DIGITAL CAMERA?" and I'd tell them, "No, it's a GAF Viewmaster with a TV screen in the side of it," but that sort of interruption isn't a big deal compared to people talking at you when you're trying to read or write. Although "Beowulf" can't survive that level of intrusion, alt.religion.kibology is robust and can thrive in even the most idiot-filled environment, although it does slow down my typing. -- K. This article will be reprinted in next month's issue of "O". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Bay City Rollers in BIG trouble Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 14:27:00 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 58 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b147.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051554303 19224 208.192.101.147 (28 Apr 2003 18:25:03 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 18:25:03 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474586 alt.fan.beable:65001 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com) wrote: > > In http://smh.com.au/text/articles/2003/04/27/1051381846622.htm, > Marcus Anthony of Beijing, China wrote: > > -> The media have a responsibility to depict SARS in a balanced and > -> rational way. > > HUHHH?? I thought they had a responsibility to sell as many newspapers > as possible, and to get the TeeVee ratings as high as possible, in > order to "enhance shareholder value". What Marcus is saying is > CRAZY TALK! It'll never catch on! Also, please tell him to choose between "Marc Anthony" and "Marcus Antonius" depending on whether he's part of the vast international conspiracy to conceal that we're still living in ancient Rome or just part of the vast international conspiracy that keeps Shakespeare at the top of the charts. > -> I am an Australian living and working at Beijing International > -> School. Here are some statistics that help give a perspective on > -> what's happening. In China every month 12,000 people die in car > -> accidents, and about 20,000 people die from the various forms of > -> pneumonia; 36,000 people died in workplace accidents in China in > -> the first quarter of this year. Now a hundred or so people die in > -> April from SARS, and the whole country shuts down! > > I predict that the price of rubber duckies and other novelty plastic > toys will SKYROCKET! QUICK! TO THE ONE DOLLAR STORE AND STOCK UP ON > CHEAP IMPORTED CRAP BEFORE THE PRICE RISES DRAMATICALLY DUE TO SUPPLY > SHORTAGES! My local dollar store became a 50c store and then a 25c store and then a 10c store and now it's a non-store. I found it to be quite revealing that they could reduce the prices by a factor of ten and STILL nobody thought the stuff was worth buying. > -> My school community is about 10,000 people, and so far it hasn't > -> had a single incident of SARS. The reality is that in China, if you > -> are healthy you have as much chance of dying from SARS as being hit > -> by the Bay City Rollers' reunion tour bus. > > I can't believe that Marcus is so willing to dismiss the Bay City > Rollers' atrocious bus driving in this way. If indeed BCR's tour > bus is killing 100 people per month, then surely the CHiPs (Chinese > Highway Patrol) should be chasing that bus down Beijing's freeways > until it runs over a poorly concealed ramp which makes it flip over > and crash. Don't forget that it has to explode a quarter-second before it hits the ground. And change from a bus into a Studebaker halfway down. And the explosion has to knock Ponch's shirt off. -- K. "Oh no, a horrible eighteen-car pileup of death! Good thing Dr. Joyce Brothers is here to help!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: How I Spent My Summer Jury Duty, Part 1 of 1. Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 14:31:17 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 312 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b147.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051554562 19224 208.192.101.147 (28 Apr 2003 18:29:22 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 18:29:22 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474588 Today is allegedly a day of no school in this area because it's "Executive Day" (which I've never heard of) but because I'm a grown-up it's jury duty day instead. Here are the notes I took to kill time. 6:54. Woke up. 7:40. I've walked to the Ruggles station and boarded the #23 bus. So far I've made it to Roxbury Community College, which has a huge sign saying "The current time is... 10:45" in two-foot-high red letters. Also, RFC (Roxbury Fried Chicken) is now out of business. I'm the only person on this bus. It's one of the few talking buses and it's talking to me personally. The bus route #23 map (a squiggle with a dot at each end) and the even more pathetic "map" printed on the juror summons (an intersection with street names) show the Dorchester District Court House on opposite sides of the street. Maybe the court house has it confused with the Roxbury Court House on the same route. (I'm going to the other side of Dorchester-slash-Roxbury from the area of Boston-slash- Roxbury-slash-Brookline where I live.) I hope my coconut buns from the Super 88 don't get too crushed in my briefcase. 7:44. Passing the Silver Line at Dudley Square. Still have never ridden the Silver Line. Maybe I will once they build the rest of it. "MAJOR TRANSFER" is flashing on this bus's red LED sign. It's a beautiful, warm day. For some reason it smells like coconut in here. The bus just announced Roxbury District Court House, and I'm being very careful NOT to get off yet. I don't know this neighborhood well at all. Usually I'm underneath it. (There aren't any subway stops in convenient locations here. Part of the reason the hokey fake "Silver Line" [a bus] exists is that Dorchester residents were for some reason upset when the city took out the subway line and rebuilt it elsewhere.) I like this neighborhood. Most of Dorchester/Roxbury always seems relatively suburban for an area that the downtown folks like to consider Boston's ghetto. The atmosphere here actually seems more relaxed and less creepy than downtown. I didn't know "The Mall Of Roxbury" existed. It's a strip mall we're just passing, with a Save-A-Lot grocery store. Now up to the city's obligatory Martin Luther King Boulevard. 7:49. Passing a sticker-covered sign saying "Welcome To Grove Hall", which is apparently the name of this traffic intersection. I better stop typing and start watching for the court house. I definitely smell coconut. 7:57. Arrived at what I think is a courthouse. It's across the street from a store named "Courthouse Convenience" which has a sign saying "WE FIX ALL CDs, DVDs, AND GAMES." Went there and bought something with sugar but not caffeine or carbonation (blue Hawaiian Punch) and some sausage sticks. Two are allegedly chili flavored sausage (I don't mean jalapeno flavor -- I also got one of those -- I mean they show a drawing of a big pot of canned chili on the wrapper.) I'm typing this sitting on the courthouse steps because they won't let us go inside yet. Of course my 8:30 appointment will probably involve me sitting in a corridor or something until 8:45, followed by waiting to be told what to do until 9:30, at which point they will welcome us to jury duty, and then the OFFICIAL waiting will begin. Then they'll send me home around 11:45. I'm on "standby status" on Panel 2. I think the way this works is that everyone's on "standby status", which just means you have to show up and then they'll send you home later if they don't need you. (I don't know what other possibility there could be: "Dear juror, we hereby summon you to jury duty, but please do not report...") 8:08. Went inside and was processed by the metal detector. Several signs said "NO FOOD OR BEVERAGES ALLOWED IN THE COURTHOUSE" but the cop who ran my briefcase through the X-ray machine told me to ignore them. Also, before that, she made the strange comment (after I made the metal detector beep due to the metallic content of my bones) "You're okay, as long as your computer is safe." All the signs in this courthouse are in English, Spanish, and Vietnamese. I didn't know this area had a lot of Vietnamese-Americans; I usually only encounter Vietnamese signs in the part of Chinatown that's all pornography ("The Combat Zone".) The jury pool room is tiny compared to the downtown one. There are only 48 seats. There is a pile of magazines to read, which is a nice gesture, although they're mostly "O". And I mean the Oprah one, not the latex bondage one. They never put men's magazines in waiting rooms, like "Road & Track" or "Guns & Ammo" or "Easyriders". (Some dentists put out "Sports Illustrated", but that's just to torture you because nobody wants to read about last year's football. I don't even get the concept of reading about last week's... TV exists.) The room is equipped with a water cooler and two humming vending machines, all of which are nearly empty. 8:18. Turned in my juror information questionnaire to the officer, was issued a handwritten "Panel #02 Seat #04" card, and was told "Hang onto your card and don't leave the room." At this point I notice that, in the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger, "THERE IS NO BATHROOM!" The coconut bun (made in Toronto) wasn't very good, probably because I forgot I don't like coconut very much. The chili-flavored sausage really does taste like canned chili. Sort of cumin plus liquid smoke and hydrolyzed soy protein. Much better than a Slim Jim, and yes, I remembered to read both the ingredients and expiration date before buying it (I keep finding way-expired sausage in convenience stores, but this stuff still has a year left on its shelf life.) There's a KFC down the street I wouldn't mind eating at, except that I'm not allowed to leave the room. Also, "DERE EES NAW BAWTHRAWM!!!" The jalapeno-flavored sausage stick is better than the chili one. I have a spare chili one I'll save in case I need it later. "Your honor, I find the defendant guilty of trying to give free money to everyone in the world... unless someone in this court has a chili-flavored sausage stick. Why, thank you, young man, you have just prevented a serious miscarriage of justice. Now this is only a silly miscarriage of justice." Then we all laugh and freeze-frame. I miss the days when freeze-framing was the only special effect possible on bad TV. 8:30. The room is now 1/3 full. Of course sending out a summons to arrive at 8:30 means the distribution of arrival times of all the people will form a bell curve centered on exactly 8:30, and I am always in the first percentile to arrive, whether it is a jury summons or a party. ("Oh, did I wake you up?") I figure around 9 or 9:15 they'll play us the videotape of a local ambulance-chaser as seen on TV commercials telling us we have been chosen for the great honor that is jury duty. The blue Hawaiian Punch ("Bodacious Berry") tastes like all the other flavors. 8:34. Nothing new to report. 8:35. See above. 8:36. A piece of chili sausage that was stuck in my teeth comes loose at last. I now have no bodies of dead canned chili animals stuck between my teeth. Uh oh, this means Kurt Stocklmeir will try to kiss me. Eek! This wasn't mentioned in the Juror's Handbook! From that pamphlet: -> Q. What should I wear? -> -> A. Sitting on a jury is a serious occasion. Clothes appropriate -> to such an occasion should be worn. But I don't see a single person in a tuxedo! Furthermore: -> Q. Will I learn anything as a result of being a juror? -> -> A. As a juror, you will have to make difficult judgments involving -> all the human passions -- love, hate, greed, anger, etc. You and -> your jurors are also human. [...much blather follows...] First off, it is unlikely I will have to make any difficult judgments other than whether or not to read "O" magazine before they let me go home. Second, even if I did encounter the thrilling mosaic of human emotions, the only way I would learn something is I were Mork, and I think the other question precludes me dressing up in a red jumpsuit with a silver triangle on it so that I could yell "MORK CALLING ORSON, COME IN YOUR FATITUDE!" at the end of the trial. Also, I have decided not to read "O". Time to read Usenet for a little while. Assuming my computer is safe. 9:09. There are unintelligible announcements over the loudspeakers mentioning "mumble mumble mumble jury duty mumble mumble mumble jurors robble robble robble." They go on and on and everyone ignores them because they can't be important if they weren't made intelligible. You know, like episodes of the new "Twilight Zone". 9:19. Caught up on my Usenet. So when I get home I'll upload the articles I just wrote and then you'll have to catch up on my Usenet. Note that if I did this 24 hours a day you'd never be able to keep up. So just pray I don't get Triple Jury Duty. 9:21. The officer is moving the TV two feet to the left. I think this might mean they'll be starting within the hour. 9:45. The officer just explained (a) the water cooler isn't being refilled due to the state's budget crisis, (b) the bathrooms are not missing, just well-concealed, and (c) jurors are allowed to bring food and drink through the metal detector but nobody else is. Then she turned on the TV (which had a pair of rabbit ears dangling down across the screen) and we saw the same old tape with the Chief Justice who pwonounces it "twial by juwy" and apowogizes for the poor condition of the juwor waiting woom and pwomises it will be fixed weal soon. 9:54. Was about to use the restroom but a judge came in and gave us another pep talk. He left and I ran to the men's room. It had a tampon vending machine but there was an "EMPTY" sticker on it due to the budget crisis. (Maybe they weren't making enough money selling men's tampons.) I just learned that the international symbols for "tampon" and "napkin" are, respectively, "/" and an arrowhead. Oh, I almost forgot, the judge said we'd be here a while before they seated the first jury. This court is hearing criminal cases from the Dorchester, South Boston, and Mattapan. While he was talking I found a sticky thing on my trouser leg. 10:29. Second restroom trip. That blue liquid goes right through me. Turns out the reason there's a tampon dispenser in the room with a stick-man on the door is that there's also a stick-woman on the same door. But then if it's unisex, why are there TWO restrooms in this building which is too cheap to try to sell tampons? And why no condom machine? 10:30. We're given a half-hour break. 10:47. Walked around the neighborhood a little, then came back. Fatal flaw in their master security plan: If you've been given a little yellow jury panel number card, they refuse to X-ray your stuff after your break. So you just have to park where you can go fetch the bomb or gun during the break. Next to the Courthouse Convenience store is "Courthouse Delli". I suspect their sandwiches are dellicious. Down the street is a clone of the "Texas BBQ" place from my neighborhood, complete with the same deformed map of Texas that's shaped more like a profile of Abe Lincoln (with his hat on) than any state, let alone Texas. Oklahoma is now about 500 miles north of Houston. (This neighborhood has a lot of quaint hand-painted signs with genuine hand-made spelling errors -- also on this bus route is an "Aposlolic" house of worship.) Stopped in at the KFC just long enough to ascertain that they don't have Popcorn Chicken at that location at this time. Also, there was nobody eating there, so I figured something else was wrong. 10:59. Wrote a very short story about a horrible incident involving "Dynamite" magazine. It wasn't very good so I'm not going to post it. I may eat my other chili stick now. Mmm, chili stick. Okay, I'm eating it, even though it may cause a serious miscarriage of justice later. I've finally finished my blue drink too. 11:33. Wrote an essay about something irrelevant. Supposedly the most likely thing to happen next is that we'll be either called to a courtroom or dismissed by lunchtime (1:00) so I probably still have another hour or so to go. But my computer's battery is down to about an eighth full. (This is because it's supposed to last for five hours and I've used it for two. If typing words into a window taxes this machine, just think what playing Pac-Man would do.) If I had been smart I would've brought the computer's charger so I could leach power from the district court. If I had been really smart I would've brought my spot-welder in case there were 30-amp outlets here I could use for free. 11:39. The officer just came in and told us there definitely would be at least one trial today. So soon something should happen. 11:43. I just visited the other unisex bathroom, and am reporting the fascinating news that it has no empty tampon dispenser and no condom dispenser. I think the way they made these two unisex bathrooms was to just put an "EMPTY" sticker on the dispenser in the women's bathroom. My briefcase smells like coconut. 12:26. We've been informed that in the first trial, the defendant waived his right to a jury trial, so now we're sitting here to see if that will happen with the second one, then maybe we'll go home. At the same time, a bottle of water was delivered, possibly bankrupting the entire system. The little picture of a battery in the corner of my screen is now entirely empty except for a tiny amount of red battery blood in the battery's butt. I suspect this means I will not be able to write down what will happen during the interesting half of my day. 1:00. We were dismissed. I headed home. 2:14. I arrive home. It took this long because it had gotten very warm all of a sudden (must be in the upper 70s right now) and the #23 bus overheated while I was on it. So I had to wait for the next one, and then the next one was overcrowded because it also had to pick up people from a different broken-down #23 bus, and it was not a happy ride. 2:31. Posted this. -- K. This time they better send me my certificate so I don't have to do this again this year. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: ne.general,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ethics violations. Boston Public Library. Followup-To: alt.sex.fetish.head-librarian Date: Tue, 29 Apr 2003 16:10:04 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 43 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c008.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051646887 7682 208.192.102.8 (29 Apr 2003 20:08:07 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Tue, 29 Apr 2003 20:08:07 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com ne.general:153140 alt.religion.kibology:474701 In three equally important newsgroups (ne.general, alt.journalism.newspapers, and alt.religion.kibology) Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > It appears that our Boston Public Library executive officers have > violated the ethics of reference desk services, readers advisory and > information services by requiring that enquiries be directed to our > BPL President's Offices only to be stonewalled. Public libraries > clientele have a right to legitimately public information even if that > information would be background information about City of Boston and > agencies of the city or Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Don, if it's _public_ information, why are you trying to get it from the library? Public information is everywhere! You should just go read a bathroom wall, or better yet, read the New York Times, which is the newspaper of record, and therefore contains all the news that's fit to print. They even have just enough space left over to print that little box that tells you that they contain all the news that's fit to print, although they don't have enough space to include a comics page to tell you that World War I was won by a beagle. Also, for information about Massachusetts, maybe you should try going over to the library at the State House. That's the library in the big building that has a more rational class of crazy people obsessed with it. > Cc: Board of Library Commissioners > Intellectual Freedom Advocates American Library Association > Inspector General Commonwealth of Massachusetts > Committee on Ethics Massachusetts Legislature > Bernie Margolis Boston Public Library. > Ruth Kowal Boston Public Library > BPLPSA Boston Public Library Professional Staff Association > Editors The Real Sheet newsletter > Mayor's Office Don, you're supposed to be keeping your official Enemies List secret, because if these people see it, they'll just change their names. -- K. Bernie Margolis just changed his name and says you can only reach him by picking up the phone and yelling into it, "OWAH TAGOO SIAM" three times. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Side order of ribs. Hold the SARS. Date: Tue, 29 Apr 2003 19:21:11 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 101 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b167.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051658355 19408 208.192.101.167 (29 Apr 2003 23:19:15 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Tue, 29 Apr 2003 23:19:15 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474723 Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > Yesterday I received fantastic news that the Tularemia that has plagued me > for over 7 months is finally gone. Fool was *so* excited by this news that > he rushed home from work and picked me up and hugged me really hard, > spinning me around and around. > > And fracturing 6 ribs in the process. > > We got home from the ER at Western Hospital at around 5 in the morning. He > feels *absolutely awful* about this. At first I just thought it was just > bruising but then it REALLY started to hurt. He broke 'em. 6 of 'em. 4 on > one side, 2 on the other. Good thing it wasn't 4 on one side and only 1 on the other because that would have caused you to change gender, like in the Bible. Also note that pain didn't exist in the Garden Of Eden, so Adam didn't really mind the whole rib thing, except that Eve kept complaining that S&M didn't work right in this allegedly fun-filled painless partyland. > Today he didn't go in to work, considering we were up all night in the ER. > He's doing a run to the pharmacy in a few minutes to get my happy-pill > prescription filled. Tell him to say hi to Kevin McDonald for me. Also tell him to give Harry Stinson a biiiiiiiig crunchy hug. > So, as for SARS. Well first of all, they didn't even let Fool into the > waiting room at the hospital. They stopped him at the door and told him > he had to wait outside. It's frikken COLD out and we all know how slow > things move in Emergency Rooms. It's something like eighty degrees here now. But I'm on the Green Line so things even out because I'm not moving nearly as fast as an Emergency Room. Also, the local hospital doesn't have an Emergency Room, it has an Emergency Department, because they got tired of jamming hundreds of people into the same broom closet. > By the time I was released, he pretty much looked like Frosty the Snowman. Well, serves him right for eating nothing but Tim Horton's doughnuts while he was waiting until he got really fat. Also Charles Nelson Reilly wants his corncob pipe back. > Remember, this was in the wee hours of the morning. Nothing near the > hospital was open so he just hung around in the parking bay, freezing > his tushie off. > > I was greeted by nurses who might as well have been wearing Hazmat suits. > They put a mask on me and whisked me in where I was examined by someone I > believed was Darth Vader. I was then taken to Radiology where I was met by > even more people wearing silly get-ups. Also, Charles Nelson Reilly wants his green latex bondage hood back. > What is so fucked up about this is that I was at the Tropical Diseases Unit > at General Hospital YESTERDAY MORNING. NOBODY was Hazmatted. And the TD > Unit is a place that specializes in curing people who have really weird and > wonderful germs. I was going to make up a TV show about The Wondrously Wonderful World of Wonderful Germs (sponsored by Dolly Madison Zingers) but I just looked up and didn't recognize the environment and said to myself, "That's odd, I don't remember there being a rail yard before the last stop," and realized I was locked inside an empty Green Line train just past the end of the line. So I had to wait a few minutes for them to let me out. You are the first person ever to have made me miss the last stop. Now I don't think germs are so wonderful any more. > I guess the germs at Western Hospital are bigger and stronger and able to > beat up the germs at Toronto General so everyone has to be extra careful. > > Anyway, I survived. I'm really sore. Coughing is torture. I won't even > begin to describe how much sneezing hurts. > > Dan's gonna be my slave for a very, very long time. About two weeks ago, I was on a Red Line train (a long trip returning from a shopping plaza in Braintree) and there was this crazy guy who went through the whole train and yelled at each passenger individually, "I'M GONNA KEEP YOU IN BONDAGE!" But I ignored him because he didn't look a thing like Diana Rigg. He also shouted "I LOVE SURGERY!" a few times and rambled on about how people in Washington D.C. could beat up people in Boston because we all owned our own houses. So, anyway, you should remind Dan "I'M GONNA KEEP YOU IN BONDAGE!" every day. And if he gives you any guff, you can borrow Charles Nelson Reilly's green latex hood again. And if anyone asks, you love surgery, and your germs can beat up Boston's germs. -- K. If they hadn't let me out of the train, I'd have had to ask alt.religion.kibology for help. And then people would've laughed at me! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Side order of ribs. Hold the SARS. Date: Tue, 29 Apr 2003 21:37:18 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 32 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c027.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051666524 19652 208.192.102.27 (30 Apr 2003 01:35:24 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 30 Apr 2003 01:35:24 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474754 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > About two weeks ago, I was on a Red Line train (a long trip returning > > from a shopping plaza in Braintree) and there was this crazy guy who > > went through the whole train and yelled at each passenger individually, > > "I'M GONNA KEEP YOU IN BONDAGE!" > > That's funny, because about two weeks ago my advisor told > us we had to stop using so much straw in the bricks we make. I'm pretty sure the quote was "I'M GONNA KEEP YOU IN BONDAGE!", not "I'M GONNA MAKE YOU MY APPRENTICE!" Also, how much skill is involved in making bricks other than knowing how much straw to put in (some) and how many Gummi Bears to put in (none)? I can't imagine that as a brick-maker's apprentice your master would have many excuses to whip you. Unless you mean you're apprenticed to the Lego corporation, in which case I imagine men in white coats are hovering over your shoulder with 500-item checklists and micrometers, because those Lego bricks are made with so much precision that if the Danes made cars they wouldn't have to use door hinges, the doors would just pop in and out due to submicroscopically perfect friction-fitting. -- K. Someday I'll have some apprentices of my own. Sooner if they start selling them at Wal-Mart. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: League Update Date: Tue, 29 Apr 2003 19:22:19 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 87 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b167.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051658423 19408 208.192.101.167 (29 Apr 2003 23:20:23 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Tue, 29 Apr 2003 23:20:23 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474724 alt.fan.beable:65012 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com) wrote: > > Team P W D L B For Agn Pts Diff > 1 Raiders 6 6 0 0 1 181 108 14 73 > 2 Roosters 7 5 0 2 0 187 111 10 76 > 3 Knights 7 5 0 2 0 180 134 10 46 > 4 Warriors 7 5 0 2 0 184 152 10 32 > 5 Broncos 7 5 0 2 0 160 141 10 19 > 6 Sea Eagles 6 3 0 3 1 134 134 8 0 > 7 Storm 6 3 0 3 1 150 156 8 -6 > 8 Dragons 6 3 0 3 1 124 142 8 -18 > 9 Panthers 6 3 0 3 1 131 156 8 -25 > 10 Bulldogs 7 3 0 4 0 164 128 6 36 > 11 Cowboys 7 3 0 4 0 151 192 6 -41 > 12 Eels 7 2 0 5 0 146 168 4 -22 > 13 Sharks 5 0 0 5 2 92 156 4 -64 > 14 WstTigers 7 2 0 5 0 112 179 4 -67 > 15 Rabbitohs 7 1 0 6 0 148 187 2 -39 > > Prima facie, it looks like the Rabbitohs are at the bottom. But check > out the "W" for "Wins" column of the Sharkies. Yes that's right, all > the Sharks's points so far have come from Byes, and therefore John > "Sharky" Burrage's team is coming LAST!!! HAW HAW! I have no idea what the logos and jerseys of any of these teams look like, so I'm just going to criticize their imaginary graphic design. Raiders -- Using letters so large that they had to split the team's name across two lines is bad enough, but why did they have to use extra-large lettering for "DERS"? Also, the picture of the spray can shooting a cloud of soccer balls at a cartoon roach isn't as funny as it thinks, unlike most sports logos which are more funny to me than they are to their designers. Roosters -- The googly eyes in the twin "O"s are not working for me. Perhaps they should stop putting little motors in the shirts just to make the eyes spin. Knights -- It's a fine drawing of a knight, except that they'd drawn the suit of armor backwards on him. You can tell by the way he breaks his knees every time he bends his legs. Warriors -- Oh, you can tell they just pasted Mel Gibson's head onto someone else's body. Broncos -- It was cute when the Albany River Rats put the front of the rat on the front of the jersey and the back of the rat on the back of the jersey. The Broncos should do that, or at least use the front of the horse on both sides, because we really don't need to see the horse's hinder from all directions. Sea Eagles -- The speech-balloon where the bird is saying "BLUB BLUB" has to go. Storm -- A mean-looking thundercloud zapping people with lightning and dousing them with water is a great idea. But why is the water so yellow? Dragons -- I really like the fire-breathing dragon, although the mysterious blotch above him fails to completely conceal where the words "DUNGEONS &" used to be. Panthers -- Do the rules permit the pink panther to play while he has a hankie sticking that far out of his pocket? Bulldogs -- Too literal. It should be a picture of a dog, not half a bull and half a dog. Cowboys -- I would think it would cause too many injuries to have real spurs stapled to the jerseys like that. Eels -- I think the main problem here is that the logo includes the motto "WE'RE SLIMY!" Sharks -- I like the logo, but I think the players would play better if the jerseys weren't so uncomfortable -- they should switch to polyester instead of real sharkskin, or at least wear it right-side-out. WstTigers -- Sheesh, win some games and then maybe you can afford to buy a vowel to fnish yr lgo. Rabbitohs -- They clearly just copied their jerseys from a cereal box. Also, nobody wants to see a rabbit making the "oh" face. -- K. I'm rooting for the Rabbitohs even though I don't know what they are. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Don Saklad Does this Better then Me Date: Tue, 29 Apr 2003 19:44:34 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 34 Message-ID: References: <20030429010842.18314.00000337@mb-m29.aol.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b167.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051659758 16977 208.192.101.167 (29 Apr 2003 23:42:38 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Tue, 29 Apr 2003 23:42:38 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474729 "Lots42 bomb vice president" (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > The local library has, for some reason, taken to not locking up their > normal dumpster. So when I can, I peek inside. No boxes of rejected > comics yet! But I hope. Maybe instead of looking in the Normal Dumpster you should stick your head into the Special Dumpster, unless Don Saklad is sleeping in that one. If you wake him up, it won't be pretty. You can learn more about this by playing the children's educational board game, "Don't Wake Don Saklad". (Just to make the game less fun, I'll warn you that he pops up after precisely thirteen turns of the crank every single time. Mechanical pseudo-random number generators work fine only until you learn to count.) I used to read some of Lyndon LaRouche's nutty, nutty "news" magazines in college because the library kept throwing them away (every library in the world was given a free subscription then sent a renewal notice for $500/year.) Sadly, those were the only thing they ever threw out. And LaRouche's political cartoons have never been as funny as even the world's lamest comic book (they usually consist of a drawing of Prince Charles wearing a diaper and a toe tag that says "PRESIDENT BUSH" and a caption of "LOOK! BUSH IS WEARING A DIAPER! HAW HAW WE DRAWED A DIAPER! P.S. HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE BUSH.") Another place you might be able to find rejected comics is behind a comedy club. You could meet a guy whose whole act consists of going up on stage and saying "I like airline peanuts," and then standing there silently for the next five minutes. -- K. Just watch out for any rejected comic who says "LOOK! BUSH IS WEARING A DIAPER! P.S. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE BUSH." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: you know those 5 food groups ?? Date: Tue, 29 Apr 2003 20:51:39 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 272 Message-ID: References: <3eab65b1.1676831@news.dcr.net> <1fu2nzy.9zgl7e16pzgxsN%spog@jwgh.org> <1fu2ul8.wlj6311o3kc52N%mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent> <1fu4bm3.3rosz9kbs6jmN%spog@jwgh.org> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b167.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051663784 5327 208.192.101.167 (30 Apr 2003 00:49:44 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 30 Apr 2003 00:49:44 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474749 [concerning the government's "food pyramid" designed to trick children into eating pyramids] Jacob W. Haller (spog@jwgh.org) wrote: > > Some criticized this as a cynical playing of politics in a bad way with > the health and nutrition of whoever pays attention of these things with > sort of negative implications, but in defense of revising the pyramid > others pointed out that pyramids are supposed to be three-dimensional, > ACTUALLY, and so the whole thing was STUPID AND DOOMED from the START. The best thing about the government's food pyramid is that most of the awful food the government feeds to our children cannot be classified and seems to come from somewhere on the back side of the pyramid, where there is a block for "runny, vinyl-like slurry dipped in silicone lube". I hereby repost an article about elementary school lunches from last year, merely because all the links still work. ////////// BEGIN RE-RUN ////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: food that tastes as good as it looks Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 10 Sep 2002 19:02:43 -0400 "talysman" (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > it's all paid for by your tax dollars (except for you). > > http://www.harrisonburg.k12.va.us/water/2-lunches/taco-patty.jpg > > what, pray tell, is a taco patty? Looks like half of a hamburger puck, probably with some paprika sprinkled on it to make it as flavorfully exotic as school cafeteria food ever gets. Note that it does not include lettuce or cheese, but they give you a paper cup with some cole slaw and/or salad in it, suitable for future assembly, proving conclusively that a taco patty is an essential part of a completely awful meal. > and how come this teryaki bites? > > http://www.harrisonburg.k12.va.us/water/2-lunches/teryaki-bites.jpg Now there's another great example of a complete meal: Some doggie treats, a biscuit, an eighth of an orange floating in Tang, and milk. Plus two napkins for fiber, including the napkin which is tucked under the biscuit to keep the under-biscuit grease from dissolving through the plastic tray. There is also a bigger, prettier version of the same one: http://www.harrisonburg.k12.va.us/water/2-lunches/beef-teraki.jpg Maybe one is an entree and another is a buffet for two, or something. > why does "italian dunkers" look like pieces of bread and a cup of > tomato sauce? > > http://www.harrisonburg.k12.va.us/water/2-lunches/italian-dunkers.jpg Another awesomely nutritious complete feast. Bread AND ketchup! Plus the exercise you get putting the two together to make them soggy! It always amazes me that the government runs so many asinine TV commercials telling kids to eat healthy snacks and obey the Food Pyramid and yet they allow children to be fed crap like this. (Don't even ask about what grade of meat is used in the ones that contain meat. Basically, kids aren't allowed to complain or sue, so they always get the stuff that CAN'T be sold to adults.) I poked around that Web site a while and here are some of my other anti-favorites: http://www.harrisonburg.k12.va.us/water/2-lunches/baked-ham.jpg They must have done a lot of work to get the ham and the bread to be exactly the same color. http://www.harrisonburg.k12.va.us/water/2-lunches/chick-sal-pita.jpg The color isn't accurate because the picture was taken when it had been out of the refrigerator for three days. For an accurate depiction, they should have waited another week. http://www.harrisonburg.k12.va.us/water/2-lunches/bbq-meatballs.jpg Note that, for maximum efficiency, each entree has been assigned a code name, shown in the corner. "Mmm! This is the best-tasting BM I've ever had!" Of course, they can get away with that because only grown-ups giggle when asking for "a plate of BM", kids would never do that. http://www.harrisonburg.k12.va.us/water/2-lunches/sliced-turk.jpg They're not even trying to disguise it as "Soylent Green" any more! Sliced Turk is people! It's people!!! Well, at least it's halal. (I'd hate to see the stretching machine that makes Turkish Taffy.) http://www.harrisonburg.k12.va.us/water/2-lunches/taco-tub.jpg That taco tub would leave one heck of a bathtub ring. Eat one, take a bath, watch as the grease magically transfers itself from inside you to outside you through every pore of your malnourished body. http://www.harrisonburg.k12.va.us/water/2-lunches/MVC-548S.JPG I know this nameless item can't be a novelty plastic barf, because plastic barf is more realistic looking. This barf has corners! http://www.harrisonburg.k12.va.us/water/2-lunches/soft-taco.jpg To properly describe this entree, a new adjective must be invented: "diaprous". http://www.harrisonburg.k12.va.us/water/2-lunches/ham-c-pita.jpg DIAPROUS MAXIMUS WITH GRAVY!!! Now back to what you said, now that we have the vocabulary to deal with it. > and for kibo, here's a nice cheezy meal: > > http://www.harrisonburg.k12.va.us/water/2-lunches/cheese-s-shells.jpg That one's revolting but not diaprous. It's worse than diaprous. It's past vomitrocious and blecchsplosive. It's in the realm of grossness where there aren't even any nonsense words to describe it. What is that dirty, prolate item next to the slurry? My guess is that it's some clown's attempt to make a balloon-animal bacillus. I didn't mention the eight or nine different things which claim to be pizza (solid yellow rectangles with sparkly highlights from the grease pools) but I will quote this page of instructions for lunch ladies everywhere: -> Click "print" when you find the right picture -> -> After it prints... -> -> cut out the picture and laminate it. -> -> A card catalog is a great way to store them. -> -> Now your students will know exactly what they're going to get! "Yay, It's oozing yellow blob day! I wondered what color blob we were going to get, but now I know exactly, it's yellow blob day!" And the site also says, -> As with all material found on the Internet, teachers and parents -> should be very careful in allowing students to explore these sites -> unless direct supervision is provided. This is because the school hates having to pay for a psychiatrist to treat the kids who have come down with hysterical blindness after seeing the close-up of Taco Patty. -- K. I'd hate to see what this stuff looked like before they touched up the photos. ////////// END OF RE-RUN ///////////////////////////////////////////////// If you know of any other Web sites with big glamour shots of inedible school food, please let me know so I can express my outrage. Most elementary schools Web sites have menus without pictures, but I'm hoping to find more poster-size photos of Taco Patty, whatever it is. I've found a lot of other lunch menus but none with pictures. So far my favorite school lunch site is Utah's Olympus Junior High: => Welcome to the "ED Zone!" reads the sign in our school cafeteria.Ê We have => many food choices each day:Ê you can choose from the "Energy Zone," which => offers favorites like nachos, burritos, nuggets, and many others. Every => day the Energy Zone will offer a different item. The Pizza Zone will offer => two different kinds of pizza. The Burger Zone will offer cheeseburgers and => one other hot sandwich every day. And the Sub Zone will offer two => different deli sandwiches or you may chose a salad. With so many choices => to choose from, we are sure to please even the pickiest eaters!Ê So try => school lunch, get excited and hungry!! Note that it's not "chicken nuggets", but just "nuggets". Barf Zone. If I were a kid, I wouldn't be excited just because everything in the school was a "zone" of some type. Although I would enjoy violating the rules by walking through the Burger Zone with a burrito to contaminate it with FOOD FROM BEYOND THE BURGER ZONE. Also note that like too many other places in the U.S., all burgers are cheeseburgers. Here's Hawaii's Sacred Heart School's lunch menu for Thursday, April 23, 2003: -> Cheeseburger -> tossed salad -> oven fries -> Pine tidbits Ê Mmm, wood becomes so much better in tidbit form. And the Hanson School in South Dakota offered this for Wednesday, April 2: => Chicken Stripes => Mashed Potatoes => Carrots-Gravy => Coleslaw => Bread => pumpkin Bar => Milk I'm not sure if the chicken stripes are just printed on one of the other items, or if they just mean that it's a diseased chicken. But at least you get to pick out your own pumpkin from the pumpkin bar. Because nothing is as appetizing as the inside of a raw pumpkin! Except for everything else in the Universe. Two days later they had someone even more frightening: => Cheese Pizza => Lettuce/Dressing => Green Beams => Jello/ Fruit => Milk That's good because green's the one which kills you instantly, whereas orange beams set your whole body on fire. Then the next Wednesday they had: => Chicketti => Cuke Salad => Green Beans => Bread => Milk I don't like the sound of "Chicketti" and I certainly don't like the sound of "Puke Salad". Other entrees that month included "Mr. Rib/Bun", "Brat/Bun", "Pizza Cass." (who choked to death on a ham sandwich), and the groovy "Scalloped Pot/Ham". Somewhere in my book collection is "The School Cafeteria Handbook" from about 1951. It has veal recipes and lots of photos of kids in crew cuts and dungarees washing their hands in trough-shaped steel sinks. I also obtained a copy of the secret cookbook from one of the colleges I attended, which revealed that the "meat" was a mixture of 50% ground turkey and 50% "meat mixture", the end result being that it was 75% turkey and 25% beef at best, although if time allowed they could increase the recursion depth to get 99.9999999% turkey with a homeopathic level of beef. -- K. Interestingly, "Zillions" (a "Consumer Reports" magazine for kids) did an on-line survey about school lunch items and the kids rated veggieburgers slightly higher than real burgers. But what got the highest rating were Oscar Mayer Lunchables (stale bread in a fancy box.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: you know those 5 food groups ?? Date: Thu, 01 May 2003 20:15:02 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 73 Message-ID: References: <3eab65b1.1676831@news.dcr.net> <1fu2nzy.9zgl7e16pzgxsN%spog@jwgh.org> <1fu2ul8.wlj6311o3kc52N%mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent> <1fu4bm3.3rosz9kbs6jmN%spog@jwgh.org> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b159.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051834383 26047 208.192.101.159 (2 May 2003 00:13:03 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 2 May 2003 00:13:03 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:475026 Wiblur the Once (jchapman@aros.net) wrote: > > When my kids were in elementary school, they always complained about > "bad food" (implying more than just poor quality). I always kids of > brushed it off as part of their ongoing campaign to complain about > everything known to man. One of the things I learned at the three colleges I've attended is that all college students complain about how their college has the worst food in human history, when really the stuff isn't significantly worse than Denny's or Swanson's -- not good, but edible. Elementary schools, however, feed kids Grade Z rancidities because they know the kids don't vote or pay taxes, and will forget about it before they do, except for those of us special people who bear grudges from thirty years ago. > Then one day, I went along on a field trip as a parental unit supervisor > choosing the option of bringing our own lunch, as opposed to paying $2.50 > for a mystery meat surprise provided by the school district kitchens. I think that when I was a kid, Mystery Meat Surprise was only $0.75. Also, it was before Textured Vegetable Protein was invented, so because they couldn't put TVP in the MMS, the MMS was all meat, but oh boy what meat. TVP has actually increased the quality. > At lunchtime, we settled in at a park for some munch, when one of the > tykes who had opted for MMS yells: "Yuck, my sandwich is moldy!!!" Sure > enough the meat-like substance had a lovely layer of mold for extra flavor. > All the MMS sandwiches were checked and the majority of them were mold- > encrusted. Most of the teachers sandwiches were moldy as well, which > seemed somewhat satifying, in a perverse kind of way. > > It fills me with pride that the gubment is watching out for the health > and nutrition of our young piples. Also, my daughter and I enjoyed our > nice, fresh sack lunches and only felt mildly guilty about enjoying our > yummy repast as the children of the mold eyed our every bite with envy. Do I have to repost my story about Arby's and the moldy potato? If you people are really good I will open an Army Meal Comma Ready-To-Eat (MRE) right now and describe all the glorious kinds of awful our soldiers endure. -- K. Assuming I don't miss my train stop at the MRE store right between Condom World and the bookstore with a wall of incense vapor blocking the entrance. (One hour later:) The "surplus" store (mostly camping stuff and Nike, a small amount of surplus) was out of all MREs except one vegetarian noodle one that wouldn't be worth reviewing because I think we all know what squishy old noodles with dried peas taste like. I left without buying anything, although the $70 riot shield (still with its original protective plastic film) was attractive. So I checked out the recently-installed underground "C"-shaped Trader Joe's across from where the "L"-shaped Star used to be, then followed the trail of green blobs to the new Shaw's, where I bought some dinner. To get from the old Star to the new Shaw's, there's a trail of green leafikins (the apostrophe from their logo) along the sidewalk, except that the trail ends at Lord & Taylor because Lord & Taylor said "Screw you, you're not defacing our sidewalk just for your non-gourmet suuuuuupermarket." The shape of the Shaw's is still incomprehensible to me -- it's some sort of multiply-concave enneagon, plus a split-level wine department -- but I don't think it's an English letter. Possibly one of the ones Claudius added to the Latin alphabet just so that he'd be famous enough to get his own TV series. But he doesn't have a deli item named after him at Shaw's, unlike "Hail Chicken Caesar Twister" (which is also known as a "c-section") and the even scarier "Buffalo Bob Twister" (Howdy, no! Wood must not eat flesh!) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: you know those 5 food groups ?? Date: Mon, 05 May 2003 01:26:20 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 28 Message-ID: References: <3eab65b1.1676831@news.dcr.net> <1fu2nzy.9zgl7e16pzgxsN%spog@jwgh.org> <1fu2ul8.wlj6311o3kc52N%mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent> <1fu4bm3.3rosz9kbs6jmN%spog@jwgh.org> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b152.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1052112260 18301 208.192.101.152 (5 May 2003 05:24:20 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 5 May 2003 05:24:20 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:475450 Pugg (pugg71@hotmail.com) wrote: > > See, here's the thing, Salisbury State University (which recently > shortened its name to Salisbury University to stop untalented stand-up > comics from saying, "Hey it's great to be here at Salisbury STEAK > university! You must eat a LOT of tee-vee dinners! HAR! HAR! HAR!" > like we hadn't heard *that* a hundred times) actually had pretty good > food. I mean good food. I mean, better than the local restaurants. I > mean, for example, folks from town could (and did) pay $7 a head to > come eat in our cafeteria. I saw nothing unusual about that at the > time. My only complaint was that the cooks, being natives of the > Eastern Shore, substituted "Old Bay Seasoning" for any spice in any > recipe. What is Bay Seasoning, and how moldy was it? > That, and the line for the waffle bar at Sunday brunch was usually too long. We called them "French toast sticks", not "waffle bars". I don't know anything about where Salisbury State University is but I assume it's in the Soviet Union if people had to wait in line for a single French toast stick covered with rancid Bay Seasoning. -- K. And of course people only ever make French toast to get rid of expired bread... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: you know those 5 food groups ?? Date: Thu, 01 May 2003 21:43:23 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 50 Message-ID: References: <3eab65b1.1676831@news.dcr.net> <1fu2nzy.9zgl7e16pzgxsN%spog@jwgh.org> <1fu2ul8.wlj6311o3kc52N%mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent> <1fu4bm3.3rosz9kbs6jmN%spog@jwgh.org> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c038.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051839686 9965 208.192.102.38 (2 May 2003 01:41:26 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 2 May 2003 01:41:26 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:475040 Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > But he doesn't have a deli item named after him at Shaw's, unlike > > "Hail Chicken Caesar Twister" > > My beloved Food 4 Less sells a line of dressings, bagged lettuce, and > salad toppings with a Caesar theme. My favorite product is "Et Tu, > Crouton", boxed stale bread bits with artificial everything. I always > thought the brand was national but no one else I know has ever heard of > it. And now I find out Shaw's has stolen the idea! For shame. "Et Tu, Crouton"? Holy cow. That's one of those things that is only a pun if someone hits you over the head with a brick right before saying it. It's one of the least pun-like attempts at a pun I've ever heard. It's positively Ess Pee Que Arful! I will assume other products in the series include "Veni Vidi Vinegar" and something about something being divided into three parts and something with people lending ears of corn, but I don't have the stamina to think of the names of the last two. Also, I'm not sure how to decline "crouton", other than to say I'm not hungry. (The dictionary claims it comes from the Latin word "crusta", so the proper Latin for "crouton" might be something like "crustula", leading to the possibility of a garlic-flavored cereal named Count Crustula. Or maybe it would be "crustella", which would be a garlic-and-hazelnut spread. I don't know the rules for Latin diminutives so I don't know if it would get "-ula" or "-ella".) > I'm glad the fruity British store won't let them put leafy apostrophes > on their sidewalks. It's great, because if you follow the trail of leafikins, it goes right to the front door of Lord & Taylor and then stops. Possibly the apostrophe-leaves just got confused by the way the "&" or sometimes "+" keeps changing shape. Then the trail resumes on the far side of Lord & Taylor, so if you really can't find the supermarket (it's one block from its previous location, and it's darn big) the interrupted trail of leaves isn't going to help you any. -- K. (I dare you to go to the supermarket, hold up a box of "Et Tu, Crouton", and yell "HOW MANY CROUTONS DO YOU HAVE IN THE VOCATIVE CASE?") ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Today's disturbing TV commercial. Date: Wed, 30 Apr 2003 02:54:19 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 10 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b145.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051685541 13284 208.192.101.145 (30 Apr 2003 06:52:21 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 30 Apr 2003 06:52:21 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474796 A woman is sitting on a hard park bench. But because she's taken a Dulcolax stool softener, the park bench turns into a big armchair. This is the first commercial aimed only at people who are so senile that they think that drugs make puns come true. -- K. Too bad Philip K. Dick's not alive to see it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.arts.tv,alt.fan.tom-servo Subject: Re: Today's disturbing TV commercial. Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Thu, 01 May 2003 20:13:14 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 97 Message-ID: References: <3077-3EB15C3A-10@storefull-2336.public.lawson.webtv.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b159.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051834276 26047 208.192.101.159 (2 May 2003 00:11:16 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 2 May 2003 00:11:16 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:475024 rec.arts.tv:690214 alt.fan.tom-servo:228177 "Live from his Deathbed Mr. Hole!" (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > A woman is sitting on a hard park bench. But because she's taken > > a Dulcolax stool softener, the park bench turns into a big armchair. > > I haven't seen it. How do I know you aren't making this up in an attempt > to be silly like Don Knots? First off, I don't know who Don Knots is, unless he's the guy who sells rope-bondage videos as a front for the Mafia. I assume you meant Don Knotts. Secondly, if I made that commercial up, it would be just as stupid, but there would a subtle clue that it was meant to be stupid and not just accidentally stupid in the way that toilet pill commercials are. Mine would be directed by Ben Stiller and involve Jack Black saying, "Wow! My ass didn't explode today!" and then there would be a close-up of Doctor Don Knotts nodding his head and a star-shaped sparkle would go "DING!" on Don Knott's hypodermic of effervescent Dulcolax (now in lime.) In any case, I realize that I could never make up something which is actually as stupid as the stuff on TV. For the past year, I've been worried about this new "Battlestar Galactica" mini-series, about which I've heard lots of details, all of them stupid. They're trying to double the audience by chicking up the show, so that instead of just manly men shooting at alien space robots, it will now be women shooting at alien space robots (this is akin to how they tried to add girl appeal to hockey by making pink rainbows come out of the puck.) And, believe it or not, Commander Adama spends most of her time coming to terms with breast cancer. That's right, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA IS ABOUT BREAST CANCER. Breast cancer is a serious issue, but shoehorning it into a show about planets blowing up isn't going to raise the quality level. I have nothing against shows about breast cancer, and in the proper setting it would work fine -- the sitcom "Murphy Brown" could have pulled off its season about Murphy's breast cancer if it had attempted it about four years earlier before it got desperate for filler, and Linda Ellerbee did a fine job talking about breast cancer on Nickelodeon. But adding breast cancer to "Battlestar Galactica"... well... that's bad. Even in the context of reviving "Battlestar Galactica", that's bad. I'm sure the producers think this somehow makes it more sophisticated than the original, which was a well-made rip-off of George Lucas's even better-made rip-off of "Flash Gordon". Either that or the "Galactica" producers recently discovered a rough cut of "Star Wars" which contains this scene: GRAND MOFF TARKIN: "Now, Princess Leia, we will blow up your home planet. Lord Vader, we are within firing range." DARTH VADER: "My prostate hurts! Stop the war, let's talk about my prostate problems for an hour!" PRINCESS LEIA: "Did I hear you say you have prostate issues? I have some pamphlets you can read. Also, you're welcome to join the Rebel Alliance's Space Prostate Problem Support Group." DARTH VADER: "Ow! My prostate just got bigger!" Bear in mind that the last time "Battlestar Galactica" was brought back from the dead ("Galactica 1980") the _best_ episode was the two-part epic where they had to rescue Wolfman Jack (as Wolfman Jack) from one and a half Cylons who were trying to overthrow a local radio station very slowly. That was the _best_ episode. Yet, the idea of making "Battlestar Galactica" a show about spaceships fighting breast cancer is the all-time winner in the competition to see who can think up the best way to ruin "Battlestar Galactica" for all genders, ages, and intelligence levels. I've thought and thought and I can't do better than that. I tried adding a flatulent chimp and a superintelligent dolphin to "Battlestar Galactica", but that didn't dumb it up enough. So I tried adding a naked Ed Begley Junior and having Wolfman Jack tell all the viewers they should register for the draft even though no teenager would know who he was, but that didn't make it stupid enough to beat the breast cancer. I tried replacing every word of dialogue with the word "centon". I even tried telling Patrick Macnee to do the opening backstory narration in a sarcastic tone of voice. No matter what I do, I can't come up with an idea stupider than spacemen dressed as King Tut battling killer robots and breast cancer. -- K. Hmm, maybe I could add Matthew Broderick getting a dozen enemas from Hannibal Lecter wearing dime-store gag teeth... No, still not stupid enough. Unless the enema gives him breast cancer in outer space. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: more more more Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Wed, 30 Apr 2003 03:30:51 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 11 Message-ID: References: <01bad80a$7b75cbe0$7d785b0c@oemcomputer> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b145.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051687734 20818 208.192.101.145 (30 Apr 2003 07:28:54 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 30 Apr 2003 07:28:54 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com sci.physics:840135 alt.religion.kibology:474798 Last week, in sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > I do not like pigys, slimeys, foolys and ideitys But how do you feel about the letter "y"? -- K. This is our insane asylm. Notice there is no u in it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Good to see celebrities finally doing something sensible Date: Thu, 01 May 2003 22:25:41 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 170 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c038.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051842224 393 208.192.102.38 (2 May 2003 02:23:44 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 2 May 2003 02:23:44 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:475044 alt.fan.beable:65062 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > It's good to see celebrities finally doing something sensible instead > of the usual nonsense they get up to. > > In http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2003/04/30/1051381998660.html, > "AAP" wrote > > -> Elle 'lined baby's cot with lead' > > I hope she's got her alfoil beanie on. Make that an alfoil brassiere, > because she's got to protect her greatest assets. I've never heard it called "alfoil" before. But it does save time just to use the abbreviation right from the periodic table. What would be the equivalent contraction for tin foil? "stfoil" is hard to pronounce, so I'd suggest "stanfoil". And for lead foil, "pbfoil" is completely unacceptable, but "plumbfoil" has more letters than "lead foil", so we may not be able to do anything about lead foil. > -> Supermodel Elle Macpherson has reportedly lined her baby's cot with > -> lead to shield him from cosmic rays on planes. > > This is totally sensible, because scientists (of SCIENCE) have > never detected any ill effects to babies from lead. That's why > the finest baby eating utensils are made from solid lead. These > weighty implements also build up the muscles of the weak little > buggers. Sure, it'll give him super-strength, but it'll give him eyestrain whenever he tries to see through it. Also, I hear that from flying around above the clouds so much, all that cosmic radiation's made Superman super-sterile. This is why nobody gets pregnant when he sleeps with 47 women in one night. > -> Macpherson, 40, allegedly also used foil blankets to shield herself > -> and sons Flynn, five, and Aurelius, 12 weeks, from radiation, > -> British newspaper The Sun said yesterday. > > It's not just the baby she's shielding! Oh no! She's shielding her > whole family, who will no doubt grow up totally well-adjusted, having > avoided being bombarded with weirdness-inducing cosmic rays. A lot of people are a little out of touch with popular culture and give their kids names which were in fashion several years ago, but in this case, "Aurelius" is about two thousand years too square. "Hi! I'm Elle MacPherson, fabulous supermodel, and this is my dorky son Aurelius! His name makes me seem even more beautiful!" But the kid would get teased even more if she had named him after Marcus Aurelius's son, Commodus. "Ha ha! You're a toilet! And you run around in fast motion like Benny Hill and you're the only Roman emperor to have an Australian accent and you make it clear that the Oscars are rigged!" "How ridiculous and what a stranger he is who is surprised at anything which happens in life." -- Marcus Aurelius, eighteen centuries ago, trying to warn us not to be surprised when supermodels start wrapping their babies in the same stuff used for Caligula's drinking-water pipes. > -> The lingerie designer is said to have spent thousands of pounds on > -> the custom-built cot, > > which weighs thousands of pounds, > > -> which Macpherson's partner Arpad Busson carried aboard a British > -> Airways flight from the Bahamas to London recently. > > Arpad Busson is a well-known weightlifter and strongman. That's why > Elle chose him, because he can heft those chunky lead cots. It's just a shame that she either couldn't afford gold shielding or else she's not culturally sophisticated enough to have seen the "Salvage One" episode where Andy Griffith explains that gold is the best possible shielding from cosmic rays, which is why they have to launch their converted cement mixer into orbit to retrieve a solid gold satellite. (That episode used to play as a "CBS Late Movie" called "Golden Orbit".) > -> Macpherson told BA staff that the cot was designed to deflect > -> radiation from the sun and cosmic rays at high altitude, the paper > -> said. > > And it's not at all to deflect the security machines' x-rays from > penetrating to find her secret stash of nail scissors, oh no. Just > forget that I said that. Supermodels NEED to have neatly trimmed > nails! Take a look at your nails. Are they all chewed and ratty > looking? YOU'RE NOT A SUPERMODEL! [...] I think she could solve all her problems by using silver instead of lead to shield baby's soft spot from the mind-control lasers, because then she could chew on the silver to spare her nails from being chewed, and then she'd get argyria and turn a pretty shade of teal, and her fingernails would get silvery-blue, and then she'd get even more attention for being the only world-famous jet-set supermodel to have a skin color from "Star Trek". > -> "She explained she was worried radiation could harm her little > -> boy," it quoted a fellow passenger as saying. > > -> But BA said it already met requirements to protect passengers. > > -> "Cosmic radiation is all around us - on the ground or in the air," > -> BA health chief Sandra Mooney told the paper. > > This is PROOF that astronauts never went to the moon: > 1. Cosmic radiation is everywhere > 2. The Van Allen Belt stops the radiation from reaching the earth's surface > 3. The Van Allen Belt doesn't reach to the moon > 4. Faraday cages are required to be earthed to be effective > 5. The earth strap connected to Apollo 11 snapped on liftoff, so they > just did a few orbits around the Earth hoping nobody would notice > 6. SOMEBODY NOTICED D00DS! > 7. Q.E.D.!!! > 8. Q!E!D!!! > 9. Don't talk about Fight Club > 10. DON'T TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB! > 11. It's okay to make a movie about Fight Club but. It's okay, the Van Allen Belt burned down in the "Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea" movie. Well, they put it out when it was only half-burnt, but then Irwin Allen cut up the movie and used it as part of the pilot for the TV series "Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea", and then used it again at least once a year, so after three or four times, you can be sure the Van Allen Belt got burned away completely, thanks to Irwin Allen, who ironically does not have any form of deadly radiation named after him. > -> "There's no evidence to suggest a need for special arrangements for > -> babies." > > British Airways has now removed all baby change rooms from its > international flights, because "there's no evidence to suggest a need > for special arrangements for babies". I think they just meant you did not have to pile all the babies on the plane up in the shape of a pentagram to keep the Druidic runestone in the cargo hold from freezing the plane solid in mid-air like they did in that movie where William Shatner helped them put lipstick on the doll as a sacrifice but it didn't trick the magic runestone vapor, or whatever, I couldn't really figure out the plot because I was mesmerized by William Shatner as the defrocked priest who may or may not have had a lead-lined hairpiece to keep the script from beaming deadly stupidity rays into his brain. The title was "Horror at 37,000 Feet" (not to be confused with Shatner's "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet" or Lithgow's "Nightmare at 30,000 Feet") and it also starred Chuck Connors, Buddy Ebsen, Tammy Grimes, Lynn Loring, France Nuyen, Roy Thinnes, and Paul Winfield (who shot himself rather than assassinate Shatner in "Star Trek II") and as TV-movies go, it was unusually entertaining, because although it was super-tarded, it at least had stuff happening (like the guy getting trapped in the little elevator between decks of the 747 while ghost freeze gas seeped in) unlike the average TV-movie, which doesn't have anything happening, ever. Maybe if we're lucky, Elle MacPherson will do a TV-movie where she goes around wrapping babies in lead foil to protect them from a laser pistol wielded by Robin Curtis (who played Not Kirstie Alley in "Star Trek III", and went around shooting babies in "The Unborn II" -- I've never seen the first "Unborn", but I'm assuming it was an equally despicable movie.) -- K. Geez, I wish there were more good movies. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Good to see celebrities finally doing something sensible Date: Mon, 05 May 2003 01:31:47 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 23 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b152.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1052112586 18301 208.192.101.152 (5 May 2003 05:29:46 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 5 May 2003 05:29:46 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:475452 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > [...] > > What *is* scary is that according to Google, my article was the first > and (aside from your reply and this counterreply) so far the only use > of the phrase "is this the line for" in the entire a.r.k archive. > > Aw shit. Now I'll have to make that into a meme. > > Is this the line for making "is this the line for" into a meme? I'm not sure. Whose line is it, anyway? (Kibo puts a traffic cone on his head.) LOOK AT ME I HAVE A TRAFFIC CONE ON MY HEAD! (Buzzer sounds because that was the funniest thing that's ever happened and now the show can end on a high note.) -- K. Is this the line for explaining to Drew Carey why having eye surgery made him stop being famous? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Eat More Sugar? Date: Thu, 01 May 2003 22:57:54 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 92 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c038.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051844157 17372 208.192.102.38 (2 May 2003 02:55:57 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 2 May 2003 02:55:57 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:475053 alt.fan.beable:65064 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > In http://www.witness.co.za/content%5C2003_05%5C14976.htm, > "GWYNNE DYER" wrote: > -> > -> Last Wednesday in Rome the World Health Organisation (WHO) and the > -> UN Food and Agriculture Organisation (FAO) jointly launched an > -> independent expert report on diet which stated, among other things, > -> that free (that is, added) sugar should not exceed 10% of the > -> calories in normal daily food intake. The U.S.-based Sugar > -> Association has gone into overdrive to discredit the report, > -> [...] > -> > -> You have to admire the cheek of industry representatives who can > -> maintain with a straight face that it's perfectly all right for 25% > -> of the average person's calories to come in the form of free sugar, > -> even as they have watched an alarming proportion of the > -> U.S. population turn into blubbery, lumbering Michelin-tyre men and > -> women over the last generation. > > Do you think that Gwynne is being too harsh? It depends. Which version of "O" magazine was he writing this for? Also, it's usually Germans who like to dress up as Bibendum, not Americans. (But, Salvador Dali did have a life-size Bibendum in his garden in Spain.) > -> But then, if the pay was right they'd probably be willing to argue > -> that 25% ground glass in the diet was all right. > > Let's form the "Edible Ground Glass Institute" (EGGI)! There is heaps > of useless glass around - it's not worth recycling it. If we can grind > it up and add it to food for a couple of bucks a kilogram, we can make > squillions of dollars! They already add lots of silicon dioxide (sand) to powdered spices in order to keep them from clumping. And sand is about the same thing as glass, except that it hasn't been cooked. I think what's more important is that we should try to find a way we can leave the more expensive ingredients out of spice jars and just sell the sand without that damn tarragon. > I think that the EGGI, in conjunction with the "Eat Rat Poison It's > Good For You Institute" (ERPIGFYI), can really bring about a > renaissance in food technology. Rather than having people eat things > like "potatoes", or "beef", we can feed them a mix of 25% sugar, 5% > salt, 2% rat poison, and the rest inert filler (sand). Sand is not filler! It's a structural component! > If we add a few grams of vitamin C per kilogram, then we can put a > large banner on the packaging which says "Contains 200% of the > Recommended Daily Intake for Vitamin C!". ...or 1% of the recommended daily intake recommended by wacky Linus Pauling. AND NOW HE'S DEAD! > It sure will be a lot easier to just mix together a bunch of ingredients > in a factory rather than having to grow spuds and raise beeves. You could just have one farm if you cross-breed the spud with the cow to grow beefatatoes. They would be like hash, only natural! > And if people start dying excessively quickly from this new diet > (and HA! What's the chance of THAT happening?), we can just replace > the inert sand filler with Soylent Green. Know what makes me sad? The cover story for Soylent Green (which was not a lie, in the short story, novella, and novel which preceded the movie) was that it was soybeans plus lentils plus some green seaweed (it also came in yellow and red flavors, I forget what was added instead of seaweed.) Well, the artificial meat we're getting now is just made from cheap soybeans, with none of those yummy lentils! And I really like lentils (especially the teeny little orange ones from the Indian grocery store) so it depresses me that we're living in this bleak world of the future where we're getting food that's lamer than Soylent Green. Also, we're not speaking Esperanto, we haven't yet put any Aztecs in a giant spaceship, and George Washington's descendants still haven't built a Transatlantic Tunnel! Does Harry Harrison ever get tired of being wrong? -- K. And how come in 1993 they didn't start selling Soylent Clear during that year that people wanted artificial food with no color? It could have clear sand in it! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: More about disgusting elementary school lunch menus from the Web. Date: Thu, 01 May 2003 23:41:00 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 233 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c038.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051846743 29904 208.192.102.38 (2 May 2003 03:39:03 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 2 May 2003 03:39:03 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:475061 I think this article is somehow lacking, but I'm going to post it anyway just to justify all the research I did. I only ever found that one menu with photos, but there are a zillion others in calendar form. These are notes I took while looking at all of them. You can see me gradually figuring out what a Crispito is. [notes begin] For Tuesday, April 15, Lodi Primary School (Wisconsin) had a "Walking Taco". Brr! Tacos with legs! And on the 4th, they had "Cinderella Cake". CINDERELLA CAKE IS PEOPLE! PRINCESS PEOPLE! Holmen Elementary (also in Wisconsin) seems to be within walking distance, as the "Walking Taco" has strolled over there. It even walked all the way to Mason City, Iowa to visit Newman Catholic. Albion Elementary (Indiana) is the only case I've seen of someone actually renaming "French Fries" to "Freedom Fries" to support America's war against France. Well, technically, they renamed "French Fries" to "American Fries" and then later the same month they renamed "American Fries" to "Freedom Fries" because Albion Elementary is full of Commies who don't like the word "American". Pioneer Regional School (Indiana) has this menu for October 15, 2002: -> Good Luck -> Panther Cross Country -> Harrier Hamburger on Bun -> Spur'em on to Victory Carrot Sticks -> Fast French Fries -> Sure to Win -> Sugar Cookies ...it's accompanied by a picture of a box of French fries with arms and legs. For October 31 they had accurate descriptions of everything: -> Happy Halloween -> Frightening Fr. Toast Sticks -> Scary Sausage Links -> Pumpkin Face Potatoes -> Applesauce -> Yogurt AAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!! YOGURT!!!!! Pioneer's April menu also has one holiday-themed day, but they ruin the joke by explaining it too many times: => April 1 - Tuesday => Possum Stew => Muskrat Salad => Polecat Pudding => * April Fools!! APRIL => See April Fools Day FOOLS (At the bottom of the page the other asterisk admits it's really a hot dog and macaroni and cheese.) Elsewhere on the page, for Friday the 4th and Friday the 11th: => Jr. High Band Contest => Silvercrest Match => Spaghetti w Meat Sauce => Garlic Bread => Time of Triumph => Tossed Salad w/ Drsg. => Dreamscape Pudding => High School Band Contest => Main Street Celebration => "Sub Sandwich" => Noisy Wheels of Joy "Lettuce & => Tomatoes" => Potato Chips => Semper Fidelis Strawberry Yogurt ...but they only bring out such luxurious food on band contest days. For Friday the 25th: => Sub Sandwich => Lettuce & Tomatoes => Pretzels => Graham Cracker Sandwich "Sorry, kids, the band's not playing today. Shut up and eat your pretzels and cracker sandwich. Dr. Kellogg says these crackers will keep you out of puberty, I mean, out of trouble." The only other oddity during the month is Tuesday the 22nd: => Fine Arts Festival => Pianissimo Taco w/ => Salsa & Sour Cream => Crescendo Corn Chips => Paintbrush Carrot & Celery Sticks => Abstract Applesauce The concept of "abstract applesauce" hurts my head. They also have a special day called "breakfast for lunch" (many schools do this) but Pioneer serves a "Panther MacMuffin", which is not only frightening but a trademark violation. And they like to serve something called "No Bake Cookie", which is what Frank Oz yelled when Ernie got fed up and pushed Cookie Monster into the incinerator. Williston (North Dakota) has made-up entrees such as "chili crispitos", "super nachos", "hobo casserole", and "slushburger". I doubt hobos make very tasty casseroles (even if you wash them) and the concept of a "slushburger" is beyond the ability of my brain to comprehend. Maybe it's a sloppy joe (barbecue sauce plus crumbled beef) or maybe it really is just some frost scraped off the freezer walls soaking into some stale bread. St. Robert School (in Flushing, Michigan) has "Galaxy Cheese Pizza" and interesting spellings for all their Mexican-style items, such as "corditas" and "qassadeas". They also have "crispitos" whatever they are. Jefferson (Dubuque, Iowa) has "French Dip With Au Jus", so I suppose they also have chili with con carne with meat, topped with con queso cheese. Ashe (North Carolina) serves a "Pork Chopette" which I am assuming is like "Taco Patty" without the taco part. Memorial (Elkhart, Indiana) has the "Crispito" again, along with a "Wet Burrito". Really. No, I don't know either. What the hell? Morgan (Illinois) offers a "Taco in a Bag". This is so that the cafeteria workers can crush it without getting their hands dirty. Bald Eagle Area Elementary (Pennsylvania) has "Hearty Shin-On Fries". Each item has an adjective attached, from "Golden Chicken Patty" to "Tender Chicken Nuggets". This will teach the kids about adjectives, and about lies. Frenount County School (Wyoming) lists "Broccoli Trees" and the Duchampish "Chicken And Nood". Well, at least that's more appetizing than "Turkey Club Bage". Most of the schools always specify "cheeseburger with bun" because this food is so cheap that sometimes it might not have a bun. (It's called "salisbury steak".) Saboe (in New Jersey) also specifies "fluffy rice" so that you won't think they're serving rice pudding with every meal. They also have "Egg-N-Cheese on Pretzel" and "Rib-A-Que". Not "Rib-B-Que", "Rib-A-Que". The winner must be Sleepy Eye Schools (yes, that's their real name, they're in Sleepy Eye, Minnesota.) They offer high school students the dreaded "Taco Patty" and "Chili Crispitos" as well as "Tator Tot Hotdish" and the horrifying "Fish Nuggest". No, wait, Minnesota Valley Lutheran also has the "Taco Patty" and "Tater Tot Hotdish" in addition to "Tri Tators" and "Beaked Beans". OW! THE BEANS PECKED MY EYE OUT! And as if that wasn't bad enough, a misspelling by Grand Valley High School (Parachute, Colorado) reveals how gross this stuff really is: -> Chicken Nuggets -> or -> Cheesebuger -> or -> Chicken Sand -> or -> Max Pizza Mmm, booger. Mmm, sand. Mmm-m-max Pizza starring Matt Frewer! Remember, these people who can't spell "Skin", "Bagel", "Nuggets", and "Burger" are running your local school. Now to see if I can figure out what these things REALLY are: A Web search on "Crispito" turns up a Tyson Foods corporate page. They come in flavors such as "Very Cherry Crispito", "Chicken Pot Pie Crispito" and a "Chicken Pizza Crispito". Anything pot pie flavored which isn't a pot pie sounds bad. Especially in an egg roll wrapper, since a Crispito is just an egg roll with bad stuff inside. In the case of the dessert flavors, it's just a low-quality blintz (in the same way that the old stamped-out McDonalds pies were low-quality versions of grandma's.) => These tightly rolled flour tortillas are stuffed with a => variety of delicious fillings. They're oil blanched so => they'll be lightly browned and ready for the fryer, oven => or microwave. Crispitos are ideal for breakfast, lunch, => appetizers, desserts and dinner entrees. In the future, all meals will consist of Crispitos. The children are already being indoctrinated. Those that refuse to worship the Crispito will be oil-blanched. (To find lots of school lunch menus just search for the word "Crispito".) Other Tyson products which will be showing up in schools all too soon, according to the Tyson site, are "Chick-A-Ditos" and "Cockadoodles". (The same people who put "Chicken Sand" on the menu will soon be telling kids to enjoy the great taste of "Chicken Cock".) Chick-A-Ditos are triangular chicken nuggets with ranch-flavored breading, and Tyson shoved them in my face while telling me, -> Take a look at the new triangular chicken chunks only kids -> could think of. Cockadoodles are completely different, because they're rectangular chicken nuggets with maple-cinnamon sugar cereal breading, -> Introducing a morning of delight only kids could think of. One of my nightmares has always been that little kids will take over the agribusiness conglomerates. Soon everything will be covered with peanut butter and jelly and blue dinosaur-shaped sprinkles. The photo of Cockadoodles is especially disturbing, as they've posed the stick-shaped chicken nuggets amid a pile of blue and purple stick-shaped artists' pastels. A "taco patty" search found a meat packing company that told me I could get half a hog made into a large quantity of Taco Patty, provided I answered a few questions about disposition of the meat by-products: => Liver:Ê Would you use the pork liver as liver?Ê Or would you => like it made into liver sausage? -- K. And do you want the eyeballs made into Eyeball Taco Patty or just regular Taco Patty? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More about disgusting elementary school lunch menus from the Web. Date: Mon, 05 May 2003 01:20:54 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 195 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b152.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1052111977 18301 208.192.101.152 (5 May 2003 05:19:37 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 5 May 2003 05:19:37 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:475449 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > St. Robert School (in Flushing, Michigan) has "Galaxy Cheese Pizza" > > and interesting spellings for all their Mexican-style items, such as > > "corditas" > > Mmm, flatbread-wrapped meat infused with essence of gunpowder -- the > smell of victory in the morning. I always prefer the brand "Jet-Axe" to "Cordite" when shopping for exploding string, or at least I would if someone would let me implode an abandoned warehouse once in a while. "Jet-Axe" is a cool name because it suggests the awesome manliness of chopping a building down with an axe, Viking-style, with the high-tech power of a supersonic plane, to give you something which is as cool as a Viking flying an F-16 while leaning out the cockpit to slash you with his axe. "Cordite", on the other hand, just sounds like a made-up word with an "ite" put on the end of another word to make it sound geological, like the way if Taco Bell said their burritos were "filled with igneous burritoite" to make them sound like they were _meant_ to contain rocks. 'Cause you can't sue Taco Bell for accidentally putting rocks in your burrito if the rocks are meant to be there. Also, can the Viking be dropping bombs on gym teachers who are buried up to their neck in fire ants? That would increase the kid appeal. Add some TIE fighters and tanks and SWAT guys too and make all the gym teachers cry and say "I'm sorry I gave you that wedgie from now on you can have Oscar Mayer Lunchables for lunch!" because I know what kids really want. > > and "qassadeas". > > Interestingly, the items called "quesadillas" sold at the Hispanic > market nearest to my old apartment were little cakey things, not even > vaguely similar to the tortillas-with-melted-cheese-onions-and-meat > concoctions sold as appetizers at the sort of restaurants whose walls > are covered with faded old metal signs, rusty farm implements and > black-and-white photographs of amateur baseball teams from 1938. I > still haven't figured that discrepancy out. Hmm. I don't think any of the bodegas down the street from me sells fresh warm quesadillas, although it's not like I've actually looked for quesadillas because I don't like queso or armadillos. But I don't live near a good barrio -- my neighborhood isn't like that neat area near MacArthur Park where people sell grilled vegetables on hibachis they set up on the sidewalk. My neighborhood just has lots of canned Goya products, which only barely makes it Hispanic. (South of me is mostly bodegas and iglesias, west of me is Russian and kosher, north of me is hospitals, and east of me is art museums. But I don't know what ethnicity the food in the hospitals and museum cafeterias might be, because I've never been to those hospitals and I like to buy my art in book form so I can look at it while I'm watching TV. Plus the piece of art I'm currently studying is over in Scotland, and no way I'm going to travel that far and find out what a museum-cafeteria version of haggis would be.) (Actually, now that I think about it, a museum-cafeteria version of haggis would probably be a White Castle burger.) > > Memorial (Elkhart, Indiana) has the "Crispito" again, along with > > a "Wet Burrito". Really. No, I don't know either. What the hell? > > Ooh! Ooh! I know what a wet burrito is. It's "wet" because it's > covered with sauce and cheese and thus eaten with a fork, instead of > being a hand-held entree where the dry tortilla is the exterior. So you mean the other kind of burrito can be called "a dry enchilada"? I prefer tamales, myself. Except it's always such a pain having to eat that stuff on the outside that tastes like corn husks. > Actually, the only place I've ever seen "wet burrito" on the menu is > at El Mexicano, a small chain of fastfoodish Mexican joints in the > D.C. suburbs. El Mexicano's signage consisted of the entire name in > uppercase red backlit letters, except for the "l" in "El", which was > green and shaped like a cactus. For this reason, the first time I > beheld the sign it took me a second to realize the cactus was supposed > to be an "l" and that the place wasn't called "E MEXICANO" with a nice > little cactus in the logo to make it prettier. I suspect that when you say "shaped like a cactus" to most Americans, they think of saguaros shaped like a "t", because that's the shape all cacti are in TV cartoons (after all, it's easier to injure yourself on one of those.) So I'm envisioning a sign which says "Et Mexicano", which means they might serve Stacia's favorite "Et Tu Crouton", and their specials of the day would be written on a silver board named the "Et Chasketch". > They could likely have avoided this problem by making the whole > logo green and using lowercase letters except for the initial caps, > or perhaps putting the "E" and "M" in red and using lowercase > green letters for everything else, or maybe by putting a strip of > grass or dirt or something sticking out rightward from the bottom > of the cactus to make it look more like an uppercase L. At least > I assume so. I've often said: Things that are not letters should not be used as letters. Things in the real world are not shaped anything like letters, so to make the visual pun you have to mangle stuff so badly that either the letter won't look like a letter or the other thing won't look like the other thing. My favorite local example is a Vietnamese restaurant that uses a map of Vietname as the "S" in "Saigon", but I can think of at least three other letters or digits that look more like Vietnam than "S" does. For instance, the restaurant could be named "3aigon". In fact, I have no proof it isn't -- I'm simply assuming it says "Saigon", but I suppose I shouldn't, because only bozos assume they know what bad signs say. > Anyway, the food at El Mexicano is actually pretty darned good, > considering that it's cheap fast stuff; they even have the laminated > menu in both English and Spanish because they get a fair number of > Latino customers. What's Spanish for "taco"? > I recommend the Chicken Fiesta platter. > > You might think it's strange to imagine that a place might be called > "E MEXICANO", but then you've probably never been to Altoona, > Pennsylvania, where there's a breakfast-oriented restaurant that I'm > told used to be called "Waffle King" until some legal reason (new > owner? threat from another Waffle King?) forced it to change its name. > So it became "R-Waffle King". > > Really, "R-Waffle King". Altoona is a strange place. Now that my local RFC is out of business, maybe I should see if I can convince them to open an RHOP to serve Roxbury-style waffles. Incidentally, I still haven't found out what local restaurant Lamb-Weston's "02120" model French fries were created for. Their part numbers appear to be ZIP codes, and I live in 02120, but I can't think of any restaurants here which would be classy enough to have their own kind of fries. Maybe it was the RFC. They could have wanted fries that had eleven Roxbury-style herbs and spices instead of Kentucky ones, but I don't know what eleven Roxbury spices would be. Maybe it would be like the New Kids On The Block (they were from Roxbury) plus the Spice Girls but that still leaves one unaccounted for. Oh no, maybe it's me! Maybe I should tell Lamb-Weston I've moved to some other city just so that they'll start putting seasoning based on me in fries somewhere else so that I won't have to think about it any more. But that would involve lying to a tater company and if I got caught they'd get a restraining order saying I couldn't come within 500 feet of any restaurant or store that has potatoes. > > Most of the schools always specify "cheeseburger with bun" because > > this food is so cheap that sometimes it might not have a bun. (It's > > called "salisbury steak".) > > Strange that the meat quality at schools is so bad that hamburgers, > normally a safe choice in most situations, tend to be the most awful- > tasting thing they serve. Or at least that was my experience. The > best thing they served at my high school was the turnover-shaped > burrito-oid thing, ostensibly because had a little bit of seasonings > in it to cover up the taste of the meat. I agree, schools manage to find ways to ruin hamburgers, which is quite an achievement when you consider that I love White Castles. Once when I was in college (at a place which had reasonably good food) I took a survey of what the least popular food item there way, and the winner was "salisbury steak". For those of you who are in countries that don't make up random phrases like "salisbury steak", it means "a hamburger patty served by itself because buns cost money". A salisbury steak is not topped with expensive ketchup and mustard, just with brown gravy (and if you don't have brown gravy in your country, just imagine gravy which tastes brown.) -- K. The one I always hate: "American chop suey". It doesn't taste that bad, but the concept is offensive for multiple reasons: 1.) "chop suey" IS an American invention (San Francisco), 2.) "American chop suey" has nothing to do with "chop suey", and 3.) it's something nobody has ever eaten outside a school cafeteria, unless you count the icky canned version, "Beefaroni". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More about disgusting elementary school lunch menus from the Web. Date: Fri, 02 May 2003 00:33:54 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 40 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c038.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051849917 32445 208.192.102.38 (2 May 2003 04:31:57 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 2 May 2003 04:31:57 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:475070 Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > The sad, sad thing is that my current employer no longer shows pics of > their food, and it's on the Intranet so you couldn't get to it anyway. > But I managed to save a few of the pics which were truly horrific, and I > will post them tomorrow if I remember, which I won't. > The thing is, this cafeteria manages to have food which tastes decent, > but *always* gives you a stomach ache. You could have their salad, or a > baked potato, or ice water, and you get a stomach ache. Fruit Loops do that. And Trix. And Skittles. And all other artificial rainbow-colored candies. I've never been able to figure out precisely which ingredient of these cereals and candies makes my stomach hurt. Does your cafeteria serve mostly blue food? > And every Friday? Tator tot casserole. Yes, it's spelled "tator". > Every Friday. > Tator. ver SATOR TOTI AREPO R EHORS TENET O ESTO OPERA T !!!!!ROTAT ROTATOR TATOR!!!!! T AREPO OWAH O TENET TAGOO R OPERA SIAM ROTAS bum ...imagine that spinning around really fast while zooming in and out as the "Batman" theme plays and you will have seen the inside of my mind. -- K. [15][14] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More about disgusting elementary school lunch menus from the Web. Date: Mon, 05 May 2003 00:34:00 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 67 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b152.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1052109122 31653 208.192.101.152 (5 May 2003 04:32:02 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 5 May 2003 04:32:02 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:475440 talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > ver > > SATOR TOTI > > AREPO R EHORS > > TENET O ESTO > > OPERA T > > !!!!!ROTAT ROTATOR TATOR!!!!! > > T AREPO > > OWAH O TENET > > TAGOO R OPERA > > SIAM ROTAS > > bum > > > > ...imagine that spinning around really fast while zooming in and out > > as the "Batman" theme plays and you will have seen the inside of my mind. > > > > -- K. > > > > [15][14] > > oh no! > > the inside of kibo's mind is actually the 15th and 14th enochian tablet! > and by spinning his head around on the tator axis, he has summoned evil > undead angels led by jack parsons and elrond hubbard who will usher in > the apocalypse by devouring pizza and fung-yuns! Now, suddenly, you understand why I carefully steered our discussion of food to elemetary school cafeteria food to the misspellings on school lunch menus to the phrase "tator tots". All specifically so that I could expose you to the horrors of The Whirling Tator Axis. Fun-Yuns are not involved in this vision of the apocalypse. But Death-Yuns are. Don't eat the Death-Yuns! Unless you have lots of clam dip. Clam dip can smother evil, but only if the evil is in one of the many forms made by Frito-Lay, and only if it's not one of the evil brands of clam dip. (Clam dip made from the fried clams they sell at the White Castle across from the Empire State Building should be safe, because those aren't even clams.) > I think we need to seal the 11:11 gateway using translated evocations > from the voynich manuscript illustrated by luigi serafini! I like the Codex Seraphinianus page where it shows how salami is made. Or am I reading the book BACKWARDS to see the UNMAKING OF ALL SALAMI? EVIL! EVIL! EEEEEEVIL! > quick, someone hand me that emblem of the $25,000 pyramid! That was the second most demonic game show of all time, after "Magnificent Marble Machine". I mean, the power of the Magnificent Marble Machine caused that guy to split his pants. You don't see that happening on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?". -- K. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go swap the cases of all the "HŠxan" and "Incubus" DVDs at Blockbuster. EVIL! And worse, I'm going to switch the cases of "A Hard Day's Night" and "Head". EEEEEEEEEVIL! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: VERY Important Question (MEN ONLY) Date: Mon, 05 May 2003 01:51:35 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 15 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b152.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1052113774 8001 208.192.101.152 (5 May 2003 05:49:34 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 5 May 2003 05:49:34 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:475453 phy (phy00x@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Why do mens underwear have a weinerslot? I always flip mine over the top. That's called an "atomic wedgie" and your arms must be very flexible if you can pull the waistband all the way over the top of your head like that. > Doesn't everyone do this or am I just weird? Someday they'll have underwear which is truly stain-resistant and then you won't have to use the slot _or_ pull down the top. -- K. EWW! PHY, YOU'RE GROSS! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Mister Rogers Date: Mon, 05 May 2003 02:18:38 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 104 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b152.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1052115399 8141 208.192.101.152 (5 May 2003 06:16:39 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 5 May 2003 06:16:39 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:475454 Brian 'Jarai' Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > [article from CNN] > -> > -> PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania (AP) -- Mister Rogers now has an > -> asteroid named in his honor. Yay! Now I can go there and be the king of Planet Nerdo! Okay, so it's just an asteroid, not a planet. But "Asteroid Nerdo" takes too long to say. > -> "Misterrogers," formerly known as No. 26858, honors Fred Rogers, > -> creator and host of public television's "Mister Rogers' > -> Neighborhood." Rogers died February 27 at age 74. But that's not his name! He was either "Mister Rogers" or "Misterogers" (with a missing "r") depending on what graphic you were looking at. "Misterrogers" has an "rr" in it which gives it a piratical pronounciation, "Arrrr, me mateys, arrrrrr! Avast and storm the castle of Misterrrrogerrrrs!" Sophisticated people have eliminated the double and triple "r" from their box of phonemes, as indicated by my latest scientific research involving looking at people's foreheads on TV: CHARLES DARWIN'S THEORY OF EVOLUTION OF SOME PEOPLE by Kibo (8 zillion BC) Australopithecus --> "OY! ENERGIZER!" (7 zillion BC) Charlie Brown --> "AUGH!" (6 zillion BC) Cro-Magnons --> "RRRRR!" (5 zillion BC) Tie Domi --> "RRRR!" (4 zillion BC) Neanderthals --> "RRR!" (3 zillion BC) Gene Rayburn --> "RRR, BLANK!" (2 zillion BC) Pirates --> "ARRR!" (1 zillion BC) David Hasselhoff --> "KNIGHT RIDARRR!" (today) People --> "Hello." (1 zillion AD) Doubledomes --> "Let's go use our time machine to go laugh at pirates!" > -> "I doubt that there are many who have not been touched in some > -> way by the life and work of Fred Rogers," said John G. > -> Radzilowicz, director of the Henry Buhl Jr. Planetarium & > -> Observatory at the Carnegie Science Center, which made the > -> announcement Thursday. I should add that I think Mr. Rogers was somewhere between the people of today and the doubledomes of tomorrow. He hadn't yet evolved the giant eight-lobed brain they will have, but he had evolved beyond the capacity to be a meanie. Also his mind was so advanced that he could actually remember what it was like to be a small child, unlike most of the other people who try to host kids' TV shows. > -> The science center worked with Family Communications Inc., the > -> production company Rogers founded, to produce a planetarium show > -> for preschoolers called "The Sky Above Mister Rogers' > -> Neighborhood." The show now plays at 15 planetariums across the > -> country. > -> > -> "Misterrogers" can be found between the orbits of Mars and > -> Jupiter, and is about 218 million miles from the sun, which it > -> takes about 3 1/2 years to orbit. > > I'm imagining that, twenty years from now, Misterrogers will get just > the right nudge from some other asteroid, and will be sent on a > collision course towards Earth. The resulting impact will wipe out > 90% of the human population. Most of the remaining 10% will undergo a hideous mutation and become very small and floppy, requiring someone to hold them up from below and work their arms for them. However, those people will consider themselves lucky because they'll get to live in big blue castles, once they've eaten all the oatmeal that was in the can. > From the hellish cinder that was our world, a new order will emerge. > The shattered memetic fragments shall align themselves in such a way > that the science formerly known as astronomy will morph into a major > world religon. One of the pillars of this new religion will be that, > after death, people are reborn into the Land of Make Believe as giant > orbitting space rocks. But only if they can get a seat on the little trolley that goes there. Also... Before the apocalypse: The Bible. After the apocalypse: Picture Picture. Now let us watch the sacred film showing unto us the making of tubas. -- K. I had forgotten Mr. Rogers was dead until that mean astronomer reminded me. I'm taking him off my Christmas list and putting him next to Gene Rayburn.