Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Last Days Of The Crazy People's Supermarket. Date: Wed, 23 Apr 2003 00:06:28 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 87 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c019.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051070674 22909 208.192.102.19 (23 Apr 2003 04:04:34 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 23 Apr 2003 04:04:34 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474054 As habitual readers know, I like to shop at a supermarket where insane people also like to shop. The one underneath the Prudential building, late at night. Where, in the past, I have bumped into some appallingly interesting characters. But tonight was different. Hardly any crazy people! And hardly any employees! And hardly any food! It was like that scene in "Damnation Alley" where the nuclear war has left the Circus Circus casino standing but there's nobody in it. I couldn't go to the Prudential Star Market yesterday because apparently every year Boston has some quaint little footrace which shuts down everything along the 26-mile route, including my home, my office, and my local market. So instead I went today. Little did I know that it was probably to be my last visit to the infamous "L"-shaped Prudential Star. About two-thirds of the shelves were empty, as the store is in the process of winding down. For the past several months, the replacement market has been under construction. It's a block away from the marathon route to guarantee they never get blocked by the marathon, with the minor side effect that they'll be completely invisible to everyone on Boylston Street, just like the Stop & Shop nobody could see from Massachusetts Avenue -- it went broke and changed into a Bread & Circus, not that anyone can tell because the market is invisible behind boring stores nobody wants to walk past. The Shaw's supermarket chain acquired the Star supermarket chain a few years ago, and most of the other Star markets have been rebranded "Shaw's", except for the "L"-shaped one, because they didn't want to pay for a sign they were only going to use until they vacated the premises (apparently signs are not portable.) So, the market which is closing is one of the last "Star" markets around. The shell of the new market already has a "Shaw's" sign up. The Shaw's logo seems to be undergoing a secret mutation. The current logo is the word "Shaw's" in orange letters, with the "a" shaped like this: ########### ############ ##### ##### #### #### ##### ##### ########### ##### #### But on the not-yet-open market, the logo has this "a": ######### ########### #### ########### ##### ##### ############ ###### #### The other letters are unchanged, so apparently Shaw's thinks that slanted Roman vowels have more sales appeal than italic vowels. At least they're not going back to the logo they had before these two, in which the first "S" was all stretched out so that it could be pooping out vegetables (apparently it was an italicized cornucopia.) I am pleased to be the first one to bring the news of Shaw's new "a" to the Internet, as the Shaw's Web site still shows the logo with the old "a". (The site informs me that I should shop at Star/Shaw's because "We have reduced our energy usage per square foot by 10%", which I think means that they're admitting that their frozen food is usually squishy. Also they are proudly advertising irradiated beef, which I think is their way of letting me know they're going to see if they can get their electricity bill down to zero, keeping the meet fresh by having a guy in a lead suit wave a pitchblende rock over the beef once a week. Anyhow, I expect to be buying soggy frozen food at the almost-but-not-quite Prudential Shaw's instead of the directly-under-Prudential Star soon. (The old market is holding up the basement of the Prudential skyscraper, while the new market is between Hooters and Dick's Last Resort.) Oh, incidentally, while I was walking to the market, a woman leaned out of a car and yelled "DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GET TO HOOTERS?" and it took a real effort of will for me not to yell back "TRY GETTING BREAST IMPLANTS!" -- K. That's what I get for watching all those "Match Game" reruns. I need to lock out that channel before I start re-enacting classic Charles Nelson Reilly / Brett Somers cattiness in public. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Last Days Of The Crazy People's Supermarket. Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:35:42 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 74 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051418025 9643 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 04:33:45 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 04:33:45 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474388 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > For the past several months, the replacement market has been under > > construction. > > So are they going to have brand spanking new divider bars, or are they going > to recycle the divider bars from the old store? > > And did you rip off any of the divider bars from the old store? You know, as > a collector's item? The old store, as you would remember if you had been paying attention to me continuously for 14 years without ever once paying attention to anyone else, seldom had divider bars because they would keep vanishing to be replaced by other divider bars, rolled-up brown paper bags with the words "DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR" written on them, or most typically, the simple absence of divider bars. So I don't think they moved the divider bars because they probably already lost them. Also, oddly, they did not seem to move any of the groceries. They just sold off as much of the stock as they could. Meats and deli items had $1.00 coupons attached, and the other stuff they just left on the shelves as the shelves emptied. I was in there again two days ago, and there was little left, but I picked up some bargains. But yesterday was the big day. The new market -- whose name is officially, and I am not making this up, "Shaw's In The City" -- had delivered to every doorstop in my neighborhood a free copy of the Boston Globe to ensure that we got the flyer about yesterday's grand opening (and they also mailed out coupons for free Goldfish crackers.) I went there on the first day, and it is a significantly larger market than the old one (with the usual modern frills like an upstairs coffee bar, more produce, etc.) but on the whole it's not that big a deal. Instead of the old market's convenient "L" shape (which forced me to go past the Twisted Whiskers greeting cards every time I wanted to get anything edible) the new market is an irregular blob of some sort -- I haven't learned the layout yet, but it's not any rectilinear shape, and aisles intersect, terminate, and angle strangely. I told the cashier that it was nice to be there on the first day before the market started smelling funny like the Super 88, and she handed me a comment form. My only comment with regards to the comment form is that there's a really hideous "Y" on the front of it because it was apparently typeset twenty years ago on some photo-lettering machine equipped with a mutant version of Times Semibold Italic that someone had drawn really gangly swashes all over (even the "o" had been redrawn and ruined.) As to the name, "Shaw's In The City" -- naming a supermarket after a cable TV show that was popular three years ago is not a good idea. This means that we'll probably see markets named with semi-puns on the titles of other HBO shows, like "The Soupranos", "Mr. Shop", and "Queer As Fruit". Now that I've had more time to inspect the new logo (with the slanted roman "a") versus the old logo (with the cursive "a") and the ancient logo (with the orange diarrhea) I'd have to say I like the old logo best. In addition to changing the "a" to an awkward-looking form, the other letters (and the two little leaves which represent the apostrophe because the entire logo is supposed to be a really deformed orange) have all been redrawn with slightly different details, to make the lettering a little lighter and with sharper corners. But it worked fine when the letters were stocky and round-cornered, and those letters were well-drawn, but the new ones don't have as much oomph and aren't well- executed. For instance, the arch of the old "h" was more fluid than the new one, and the old "w" had two heavy strokes and one light stroke (suggesting cursive) while the new one has three identical medium strokes (suggesting a designer who was trying to remove all the personality.) -- K. I apologize for the awkward writing style of this article, but I don't have enough time to do justice to this important subject. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Last Days Of The Crazy People's Supermarket. Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 14:30:10 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 41 Message-ID: References: <7ooqav03f2gvro7rs7dvgqku2r0q5s1thp@4ax.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b147.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051554494 19224 208.192.101.147 (28 Apr 2003 18:28:14 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 18:28:14 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474587 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > As to the name, "Shaw's In The City" -- naming a supermarket after > > a cable TV show that was popular three years ago is not a good idea. > > A restaurant opened here in Boise recently, with the alluring name of > "Just Toast." I do not know if the name is a tie-in to a TV show, > though "Just Shoot Me" does come to mind. Also, the restaurant does > indeed serve toast, with a variety of jams and other spreads, but it > also serves sandwiches and soup. > > I haven't heard of anyone planning to open a nearby "Just Hashbrowns," > "Just Scrambled Eggs," or "Just Link Sausage." "Just Toast" is a name which is just bland. Wouldn't it be better to go with "Just Crust" or "The Most Toast"? People like rhyming food. And if the point of the toasteria is kitsch, they should name it "Just The Toast, Ma'am" and have a picture of Jack Webb eating toast without displaying any evidence of pleasure or other common toast-induced emotion. Also, I am planning to open "Just Bacon", but only for me. Nobody else can eat there until after I've eaten up all the bacon in the world! But then the restaurant will be renamed "Where The Bacon Isn't". > > I apologize for the awkward writing style of this article, but I don't > > have enough time to do justice to this important subject. > > My students usually say something along the lines of "I know this > isn't very good but I spent a lot of time on it." That's because they're not smart enough to have realized that homework is a complete waste of time. -- K. I was going to present a proof of that, but this margin is too small to contain it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Gas Station Sign Seen Today Date: Sat, 26 Apr 2003 10:37:35 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 20 Message-ID: References: <3e9e14e8.523893338@news.eastlink.ca> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b150.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051346138 28926 208.192.101.150 (26 Apr 2003 08:35:38 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sat, 26 Apr 2003 08:35:38 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474323 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > "Magic Drink, 2/$1.00" > > Does Kibo know anything about this? No, but I'll tell you more if you give me two fifty-cent pieces. Please mail them to Paris, because apparently I am in Paris, because my computer says that's the only time zone left on Earth thanks to some internal bug which destroyed twenty-three twenty-fourths of the world. I think it might be SARS, or worse, AIDSARS. So my apologies if this is posted from 10:37am Paris time instead of 4:37am Boston time, because my computer is stuck in France. -- K. I hear that SARS is just swine flu renamed. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Who voted for him? Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 05:59:55 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 40 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051415900 4468 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 03:58:20 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 03:58:20 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474379 alt.fan.beable:64981 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com) wrote: > > This Donald Rumsfeld joker who thinks that only one vase was looted > from Baghdad, who voted for him? As far as I can find out, he hasn't > been elected since before 1969. What's the deal with that? The best thing about all of Baghdad's five-thousand-and-up-years-old antiquities being stolen is that the tablets with stuff like the Code Of Hammurabi are gone. It's the oldest law ever written down, or rather it WAS, because YAY, WE ARE NO LONGER BOUND BY THE CODE OF HAMMURABI! Now we can stop letting our cats stare at our thrones. > Also be careful at http://www.senate.gov/. They've got some > pretty strict alt tags: > > "The seal is kept in the custody of the Secretary of the > Senate. Unauthorized use of this image is prohibited by law." > > Yeah, just put it on the web and then get all upset if anybody pinches > a copy. Do they give you 24 hours to clear your browser cache? What if > you used a proxy server? There could be heaps of Senate Seals in there. Also, I'm sure that looking at the source code of the Senate's Web page is a crime of some sort. Which is why they make you look at the source code to find out what's illegal, because that way it can just say "YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL NOW, PRESS ENTER TO CONTINUE." -- K. Real bank errors are seldom in your favor. And why do I only ever win second prize in these imaginary beauty contests? I'm starting to think that "Monopoly" is not an accurate model of the world in which we live. I'm switching to "The Game Of Life". Or "Stratego". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why did I save this spread from the paper? Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:02:18 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 16 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051416023 4468 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 04:00:23 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 04:00:23 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474380 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > For some reason there was a photo spread about the life of Bob Hope in > the paper and I decided to put it to one side for later. (I have no idea > why it was in an Austrian paper as most people here wouldn't really know > him that much.) > > Why did I do this? You bought it so that you could put it to one side. Every question contains its own answer and you owe me ten dollars. Thank you, come again. -- K. HA! HA! I'M ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE PSYCHIATRIST'S COUCH NOW! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Hope Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:04:52 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 44 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051416175 4468 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 04:02:55 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 04:02:55 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474381 [on the recent discovery that CNN's Web site contained publicly-viewable obituaries for Bob Hope etc. saying they had all died in 2001] Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > "In other news today, Dick Cheney, The Pope, Gerald Ford, > Bob Hope, Ronald Reagan, Nelson Mandela and Fidel Castro > were all killed in a freak gasoline fight accident. Mister > Cheney was the first American to become Queen Consort of > the United Kingdom and was also its favorite grandmother." But then how do you explain that all the others except Ronald Reagan were also Queen Consort of the United Kingdom? It's somewhat plausible in Bob Hope's case, as he's British (and his real name is Leslie) and I can't imagine a British person named Leslie NOT mincing around in a pink tulle dress and going to special parties with Ginger from "The Tomorrow People". I know all British people are drag queens because I've seen every episode of "Benny Hill". Most of the other recent hoopla over Bob Hope being still not dead is because it's the start of a month-and-a-half-long celebration of the fact that he's a hundred years old, or as any reputable news agency would put it, "For the past century, people have been wondering how long ago it's been since he was the world's most brilliant humorist," followed by clips of him telling cutting-edge political satire about how President Eisenhower is only sort of good at golf. And remember, America's military personnel don't do anything important! But Bob Hope, he's the greatest man who ever lived because he told jokes to them, and was then airlifted the hell out of there before the battle resumed! How dare those soldiers impose on the great Bob Hope to entertain them, if they were real heroes they'd be tap-dancing with Phyllis Diller while Bob Hope fought Hitler! -- K. The truly sad thing is that Bob Hope has outlived Dennis Miller's brain. Dennis Miller ACTUALLY used to be funny. But then he started endorsing Bob Hope, THE GREATEST PERSON WHO EVER LIVED! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Spoon! Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:09:53 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 77 Message-ID: References: <903f6dfe.0304201327.226f1be1@posting.google.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051416476 4468 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 04:07:56 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 04:07:56 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474382 Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I bought a Lexan backpacking spoon. For some reason that is the funniest sentence I've heard today. > It won't shatter like regular plastic, and it's slightly lighter > than metal. What about beryllium? The Joker made a whole flying saucer from it that was light enough to be supported by a single string. And what about metallic antimatter? Nothing's lighter than anti-metals. Except for anti-spoons, but there's no such thing as anti-spoons. (And speaking of light metals, believe it or not, at this very moment I'm on the Green Line with a bag of titanium SpaghettiOs. Okay, they're not actually SpaghettiOs, but I bet they're more hypo-allergenic than real SpaghettiOs. If you can even use the words "real" and "SpaghettiOs" together.) > Then I realized I paid $2.50 for a plastic spoon, and I felt sad. Plastic spoons are the best kind. Me and Billy Bob Thornton agree. Plastic spoons good, metal spoons bad. Also me and him, we've got the same skull, but we split on Benjamin Disraeli's hair -- Billy Bob has a phobia about Disraeli's hairstyle, and I've got Disraeli's hairstyle. So this is how you can tell me and the guy from "Armageddon" apart. > Then I realized I am a genius, again. Yes, Miss Granola-Eater, you > see right. I wield a LUXURY HIGH-PERFORMANCE LEXAN BACKPACKING SPOON. I may be from Schenectady, but _you_ own a spoon made by General Electric. ("Lexan" is a General Electric trademark, if your spoon had been made by Dow it would be "Lucite", and evil in a different way. If your spoon were from England it would be "Perspex", and remember that you can't spell "Perspex" without "sex".) Just think, somewhere there are guys in overalls and General Electric hard hats pouring molten slurry into 55-gallon drums, saying "Move yer ass! We gotta ship this raw Lexan to the flatware factory or there will never be enough Lexan backpacking soons!" And then I come in and remind them that "General Electric" officially changed their name to "GE" to save them time during their conversations. But then they realize I used to be a Teamster but I'm not anymore so I don't know which side of the union issue they'd be on but they'd beat me up for either being in the Teamsters or not being in the Teamsters. Also, the word "flatware" bothers me because it implies that us poor people eat with completely flat spoons so the soup slides off because we can't afford the fancy kind of silverware which is round all over. > I can afford the finer things. For $2.50. The spoon's a loss leader. It's the super-sharp plastic knife that'll cost you. Someone has to carve all those little zigzags into the edge. > In other news, my real pseudonym is Flesh-tor, I'm bitter because my > life is slightly closer to what I deserve than to what I'm entitled > to, and I have to lie to be true to myself, so nothing I say is really > a lie. Last night I learned to see beyond the dirt on the outside of my refrigerator, into the miraculous infinite universe beyond. I gotta stop staring at white plastic surfaces with a fake sheepskin texture in low light when I'm overtired and starting to hallucinate. Also, WHY does my refrigerator have a sort of sheepskin texture stamped all over the outside of it? And WHY am I turning into Benjamin Disraeli? -- K. And how come when Superman melts a titanium bar with his heat vision, it never turns all purple and stripey? Are we supposed to believe he has MAGICAL heat vision that can melt titanium without anodizing it? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Spoon! Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 20:17:32 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 38 Message-ID: References: <903f6dfe.0304201327.226f1be1@posting.google.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c043.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051488936 11228 208.192.102.43 (28 Apr 2003 00:15:36 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 00:15:36 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474482 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The spoon's a loss leader. It's the super-sharp plastic knife that'll > > cost you. Someone has to carve all those little zigzags into the edge. > > And don't forget, only the diagonal portions of the zigzags are carved > to a razor-sharp edge, so they can never be worn down by ordinary use, > according to the Magical Patented Cutco Formula developed by His > Holiness L. Ron Hubbard. All hail Cutco! Now I'm a sales manager! > All hail Cutco! Now I'm a regional manager! All hail Cutco! Now I'm > Sea Org Vice Admiral, arrrrrrr! Actually, Cutco was originally named "Cuteco", because Hello Kitty used to make those knives herself. She would toil away all day in the basement, using a grindstone to make the edge sharper and sharper, periodically testing its sharpness by plunging it into one of the hundreds of cute fluffy bunnies that live in Hello Kitty's basement. Either that, or Cutco is a front for the Trilateral Commission. Think about it: Cutco's secret "Double D" edge notches have THREE SIDES. So the Trilateral Commission (also known as Habitat For Humanity) is in this up to their eyeballs, and also, Hello Kitty is STILL involved somehow. I'll look up all the details about the interaction between Cutco, Amway, Primerica, Herbalife, and the Olympic Seed Company the next time I find an archive of Grit, the most famous newspaper that doesn't exist. Sure, you've seen ads for Grit. But can you prove there is such a newspaper? Ever since Matt McIrvin observed that THERE IS NO GRIT, I've been looking for evidence of Grit, and I can't find any. Long before the Internet, Grit was the first virtual newspaper. -- K. Grit: A shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a newspaper that does not exist. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: OW my toof Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:11:20 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 44 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051416562 4468 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 04:09:22 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 04:09:22 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474383 "circadian rhyme" (^#*&$@ennui.org) wrote: > > Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > All my wisdom teeth came in mostly straight > > But they came out ALL GAY! STARRING! Tom Kraemer as Charles Nelson Reilly! WITH! Circadian Rhyme as Brett Somers! AND! Kibo! AS! Robin Williams! AS! Mork! IN! "Mork & Match!" "Nano-nano! Wee-wee! Shazbot! Bazooms!" WITH! Special appearance of Gene Rayburn's skull! Kibo IS Robin Williams AS Mork in "Mork & Match", a triumph of the legitimate theatre! Hear what the critics are saying: "LET MEEEEEE OUUUUUT!!!!" And: "Watching reruns of 'Mork & Mindy' made me realize that Uncle Martin on 'My Favorite Martian' wasn't retarded enough, but now Kibo makes me realize that 'Mork & Mindy' wasn't TOO retarded." And: "Never before has so much talent been brought together in one place... Talent for SUCKINESS." -- K. I wish I could spellcheck this, in case I spelled "shazbot" wrong. I also wish my computer's clock didn't want me to have to stay in France all day. Congress should pass a law to make computers illegal so we'll never have computer problems again. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: OW my toof Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 08:33:13 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 49 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051425075 15569 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 06:31:15 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:31:15 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474408 [on Kibo as Replacement Mork] Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com): > > > > Hear what the critics are saying: > > > > "LET MEEEEEE OUUUUUT!!!!" > > Let me just stop here and say I have laughed so hard I now have a > headache, and I am crying. I read this out loud to CS Ed, who laughed so > hard he farted. The living room is now a disaster area of emotion and > gas, and it's all your fault, Kibo. Hey, the gas ain't my fault -- you know what they say: Whoever typed it in piped it in. > Part of the reason I'm crying is that TechTV promised "Thunderbirds" and > then gave us some crappy re-run involving lamers reading tech scripts they > don't understand on a show that's really an advertisement in disguise. Was one of them wearing a "Wil Wheaton Dot Net" T-shirt they didn't understand, and did they say something like "Yeah, I used to love watching Willie Wheaton's cartoon show on Channel 38 in Boston! Remember the blooper from when the giant snake went down his clown pants and he started screaming with the whistle still in his mouth?" > And not even in a good disguise, like "Unwrapped". I don't think "Unwrapped" is made from product placements because what Bismarck or Twain or whoever else may have said it still holds true: People who love the law and Necco products should not watch either being made. Plus the host clearly thinks candy will kill him if he touches it. I love watching him hold up bags of candy as if they're electrified. > I'm also crying because I have a week until I get paid, which delays my > spending all my money on those cute widdle Zip Zap mini remote control > cars at Le Shack Du Radio. I bought a felt-tip marker today. It says "exposure may cause damage to the kidneys or liver." -- K. I guess it was a bad idea to use it to draw a smiley face on my liver. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Excuse me, but I was on TV last night Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:17:42 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 31 Message-ID: References: <2acr9v0scsahj36vr31rrpo4s8v6chv0sc@4ax.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051416944 4468 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 04:15:44 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 04:15:44 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474384 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Channel 6 news, to be exact. They came to my office yesterday to > interview me about my lawsuit against a spammer. Cool! To get the word out, you should E-mail that to everyone in the address book of each of the friends of everyone you know. > I've also been told by reliable sources that the lawsuit was covered > on Channels 2 and 7 and on the radio this morning. You have a channel 6 and a channel 7? Doesn't having channels on adjacent digits violate the Pauli Exclusion Law or at least make it so that there's always a ghostly outline of El Chacal De La Trompeta superimposed on "Knight Rider"? > Have your people get in touch with my people. We'll spend some face > time, maybe do lunch. First I have to know whether looking at you would make face time pass quickly or slowly compared to, say, looking at someone really hideous. -- K. Looking at me makes time go backwards. Don't look at me or you'll turn into a baby before I finish describing what type of White Castle burgers I love best! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: To Kibo: Fix Boston Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:50:26 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 61 Message-ID: References: <20030424062442.04942.00000001@mb-m05.aol.com> <3EA830D3.9090405@hotmail.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051418909 5861 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 04:48:29 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 04:48:29 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474389 [on Boston's Mayor Menino opening an allegedly cool new supermarket] Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > http://www.boston.com/dailyglobe2/114/metro/Menino_s_grehat_escape+.shtml > > The most interesting paragraph perhaps, from the point of view of Kibo: > > "But his main love, he says, is grocery stores. Anticipating a > ribbon-cutting today for a 60,000-square-foot Shaw's Supermarket in Back > Bay's Prudential Center, he displayed a child-like glee, launching into > a comparison of city markets he frequents -- the Hi-Lo and Stop & Shop > in Jamaica Plain, Brookline's Bread & Circus, and the Star Market in his > own Hyde Park." I don't think he really loves grocery stores. I think someone just told him, "If you pretend you care about shopping, voters will say, 'Hey! He goes shopping! And I go shopping! He's a regular person just like me!'" except that the main problem is that regular people don't vote. > I think Kibo should take him to the "88," head over to the seafood > section and yell: > > "HAVE A DEATHCRAB, MR. MAYOR!" Or better yet, we could go to Mei Tung and I could say "It's not the smell of ferret feces, but an incredible simulation!" I haven't been to the 88 Supermarket (the small one) in a few years, but I was at the Super 88 (the large one) a few days ago, and they didn't have the "DEATH CRAB" sign up, but I did make one horrifying discovery -- all the different brands of Japanese curry bricks (brown slabs that dissolve in water to make thick curry sauce) have been reformulated so that they're now bricks of vegetable oil instead of bricks of lard. That sucks! If I wanted curry made from 95% Crisco plus yellowish-brown spices, I could make that myself! I wanted the rich, creamy taste of real Japanese lard! > The mayor of _my_ town, meanwhile, once showed up at a kids' concert and > complained that he didn't have a teddy bear. > > Sean ("The audience was not particularly sympathetic") Lasnayemere So that the kids would know who he was, was he wearing one of those satin sashes that says "MAYOR" in blackletter? Or was he just sucking up to them by attempting to wear a T-shirt featuring something he thought kids today are into, like a picture of The Monkees? -- K. There's a "Galactica 1980" with a Muzak cover of "Daydream Believer" on the soundtrack, and I'm pretty sure they didn't pay the Monkees, because they were so cheap that they were filming the episode in a working International House Of Pancakes during mealtime and it seems that IHOP said "We can't turn off the Muzak just for your TV show, we have pancakes to serve!" I don't think IHOP paid for the product placement, in fact, if anything IHOP should have paid them to omit it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What is Kibology? Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 07:02:05 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 27 Message-ID: References: <3E9E0AF2.9040904@comcast.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051419607 5861 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 05:00:07 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 05:00:07 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474390 leo sgouros (hpappas@comcast.net) wrote: > > RogueCode (RogueCode@insightbb.com) wrote: > > > > Hello all, I recently found a website mentioning someone and/or thing > > called "Kibo". I clicked on a link that brought me to this newsgroup, > > so i decided to ask, what exactly IS Kibology?(the study of Kibo? Whoo!) > > Thanks. > > Kibology is a false picture of the world, thrown upon a lighted screen > in a darkened room, so that the real world is not seen. And it's not even a real screen. It's just a virtual cyberspace image of a projection of the abstract concept of a conventional depiction of the Platonic ideal of something which can only be described as "if this existed, it would probably not be best defined as the exact opposite of a screen." Oh, and also, the real world is made of candy. But not the kind you can eat. It's a mixture of things that just look like candy (such as diabetic candy) and an occasional life-size cardboard cut-out of John Candy, representing the position of a "person" in cyberspace. -- K. P.S. I apologize for spoiling the ending of the "Matrix" sequels. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Saddam played D&D Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 07:12:43 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 45 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051420246 8303 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 05:10:46 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 05:10:46 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474392 alt.fan.beable:64983 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com) wrote: > > [from an Australian news story] > -> > -> It is all satisfyingly horrendous - almost the smoking gun. The > -> paintings of naked blonde maidens menaced by dragons and trolls, > -> warriors wrestling serpents and a wet dream of missiles that have > -> been found in Saddam Hussein's palaces and love shack feel like > -> proof of something. They appear to reflect the man's authentic > -> pleasures and interests or, at the very least, the culture of > -> Saddam's court. > > If you keep playing D&D, you might end up being a brutal Middle East > Dictator! Luckily the War on Iraq has destroyed the D&D which was > threatening Middle Eastern youths. "Dungeons & Dragons" is almost as great a threat to the youth of the world as "Pac-Man" and pinball. We should work to make all the major manufacturers of pinball machines go out of business. Oh, wait, too late. Waah! I hope the extermination of pinball as an art form is something Saddam was responsible for, because then I won't feel guilty about my country smashing up his country, because I LIKE PINBALL! I used to like "Dungeons & Dragons", but the problem is that playing it requires friends who can tolerate it. I can't even get people to watch hockey with me, let alone games with completely arbitrary rules. > In Austrian D&D news, crossbows are going to be made illegal after > a boy took a crossbow to school and shot his ex-gurlfriend. He was > wrestled to the ground while attempting to prepare his backup weapon, > a Molotov cocktail. What an arseclown. You know those somewhat slow kids who think it's funny to say "Hey, do you want a Hawaiian Punch?" while winding up their fist on the off chance that this kid hasn't tried the same stupid trick on you eight times already? They're going to read that news story and larn the phrase "Molotov cocktail" and think it's a cool new way to vary their routine to say "Hey, do you want a Molotov cocktail?" and then punch you in the arm. Either that or they'd just run around saying "COCKtail! COCKtail! COCKtail!" -- K. I think that's how Tom Cruise promoted that movie. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: augh Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 07:22:17 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 79 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051420819 8303 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 05:20:19 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 05:20:19 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474394 Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Something I did a while ago, so the numbers may have changed. > > Google Groups: > > agh 298000 > augh 34600 > auugh 1350 > auuugh 1350 > auuuugh 643 > auuuuugh 385 > auuuuuugh 167 > auuuuuuugh 98 > auuuuuuuugh 199 > auuuuuuuuugh 68 > auuuuuuuuuugh 56 > auuuuuuuuuuugh 22 > auuuuuuuuuuuugh 30 > auuuuuuuuuuuuugh 33 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 19 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 23 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 11 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 11 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 22 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 4 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 20 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 12 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 5 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 2 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 2 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 14 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 13 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 9 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 2 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 1 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 3 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 16 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 2 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 1 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 3 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 1 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 1 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 5 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 1 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 1 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 2 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 1 > auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh 2 You're right, the numbers are wrong. They're all off by one. No, by two. Except for "auuuuuuuugh", which is off by three. And you forgot the one and only mention of auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuvuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggghotifutplexdoidywoxwoxpotsiegh but at least there are no mentions of the word which makes computers explode, "Cthulhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh". Oops, I said it. Better send in Professor Quatermass to kill the octopus things that just jumped out of computers onto the faces of all the nerds in the world. -- K. I think it would be funny if Charles Schulz and that bozo who draws "B.C." switched places for a day so that there would be a caveman named Og yelling "Charlie Brown"! Also, if they switched places, the "B.C." guy would hopefully suffocate inside Schulz's coffin, sparing us any more cartoons about cavemen teaching us the New Testament. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My crazy dream Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 07:29:48 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 28 Message-ID: References: <20030422081659.19017.00000329@mb-m15.aol.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051421270 8303 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 05:27:50 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 05:27:50 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474395 "Lots42 bomb vice president" (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > I had a -dream- that involved eating a bacon sandwhich. That wasn't > even mine. MMmmm, mm! It was tasty! Did the dream end with you going to Bacon Jail in Bacon Chambers for the stealing of bacon, and the illegal consumption of same? And did they put you in the same cell as noted bacon-smuggler Paddington Bear? And if so, did he attempt to wash your prison uniform and make it shrink to tiny size and then grow some weird sort of vegetable they don't have in the United States? Dost thou still covet bacon in the presence of Paddington? Also, why would you dilute perfectly good bacon by putting it between bread? Bacon is perfect on its own, especially because then you can eat a whole package in one sitting. I suppose you could have made a sandwich out of bacon between other bacon, especially if you involve Canadian bacon, but that would be too much work. It's better to just look for a type of bacon that comes on a spool like package tape and unroll it directly into your mouth. -- K. I think that's a scene in the movie "Event Horizon". The part where they have a vision of Heaven. Mmm, cosmic bacon. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My crazy dream Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 14:22:23 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 39 Message-ID: References: <20030428021559.21021.00000219@mb-m18.aol.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b147.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051554026 19224 208.192.101.147 (28 Apr 2003 18:20:26 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 18:20:26 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474585 "Lots42 bomb vice president" (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And if so, did he attempt to wash your prison uniform and make it > > shrink to tiny size and then grow some weird sort of vegetable they > > don't have in the United States? > > No. But part of that happened in real life. Sit down and listen, dammit. > We have two bathrooms and one shower is easier to use then the other so > one gets less clean as time warrants. Up in the corner some dust settled > and a dust bunny formed. On this dust bunny settled a small grey thing. > Teeny tiny. I had no idea what it was but since I was lazy I left it alone. > The next day one side of it had popped right open, leaving little red flaps. > I got so creeped out I used toilet paper to clear out the whole tiny dust > bunny and flushed it down the toilet. Yeah, picking up the WHOLE dust bunny was a lot more work than just throwing out half of it. You had to lift an extra six picograms. > In conclusion, if the news interupts Iraq 24/7 to report giant > grey alien pods are bursting all over Tampa Bay, that's my fault. If only the top edge has burst open, and it's an awkward mixture of silver, black, and bluish-black, I think you're looking at the Tampa Bay Lightning's logo, not a pod. Also, why does the logo have a picture of Florida instead of a picture of Tampa Bay? The Florida Panthers have more right to use the map of Florida, and they don't have a map of Tampa Bay jammed into their cat logo, and the cat is printed in colors that don't look like an accident, and their cat isn't missing the top of his head. So please tell the Tampa Bay Lightning to sell off their little Florida and use the proceeds to buy a top edge for the circle it used to be inside. -- K. "I used toilet paper" -- Lots42 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Crazy people and retail Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 07:39:47 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 31 Message-ID: References: <20030424064907.04942.00000005@mb-m05.aol.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051421869 8303 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 05:37:49 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 05:37:49 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474397 "Lots42 bomb vice president" (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Anyone who worked retail can wax poetic about the crazy people that > always come into their store. > > What I'm wondering is do crazy people focus on one store? Or do they go do > their crazy at multiple ones? > > Do crazy people stake out territory? Do they drive away other crazies? "Grr! > Blockbuster is mine! Go harrass Home Depot employees!" The Dunkin' Donuts across from the Boston Public Library, and the (now obsolete) Star Market right near the Boston Public Library are both major wacko hangouts, just like the Boston Public Library. So I think we can conclude that the wackos are drawn to specific areas. It would be interesting to track the movements of these people and draw a map showing the average wacko concentrations in terms of wackos per square foot per hour, and draw contour lines of equal wackosity to look for the exact center of the spiraling vortex of nutzo. I think it would be focused on the reference desk. Also, all Blockbusters attract wackos, and they usually hire 'em. -- K. And you want to see wackos? I have jury duty Monday morning. I will post a full report on all the wackos I encounter. Especially if the wackos elect me foreman again. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Crazy people and retail Date: Tue, 29 Apr 2003 19:18:13 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 66 Message-ID: References: <20030424064907.04942.00000005@mb-m05.aol.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b167.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051658177 19408 208.192.101.167 (29 Apr 2003 23:16:17 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Tue, 29 Apr 2003 23:16:17 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474721 Rox (roxanne.gray@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Speaking as a former Borders Books employee (from the World Trade Center no > less) I can tell you members of that breed of weirdo have some serious time > on their hands and so spread the kook around. Retail employees bear to > brunt because they don't have bouncers at the door. > > But for your possible amusement I present 2 of my favorite loons > > Example 1 > > A guy walked up to the info desk I was working to ask if we had any foreign > language dictionaries because he needed to translate something. I said sure > we do, what language do you need...at which point he informed me he had a > letter from Jesus Christ at home, he wasn't sure what language it was in and > he needed to know what it said. I must have gotten the "back away slowly" > look on my face because he hastened to tell me that he was NOT crazy--he > didn't think Jesus had written to him personally. I told him we didn't > have any Aramaic dictionaries but I would be happy to try and order one for > him. That seemed to make him really happy, until we looked up the prices. > He decided to try the local library. I wonder why Don never posted the results. > Example 2 > > We had a guy who visited us regularly. We never found out his name but we > called him "The Happy Buddha" because...well he looked the part. He used to > drink those 16 oz frozed mocha nasties like they were shots of Cuervo, three > at a time. His car's interior was covered in tin foil. I never knew if > that was to keep something out or to keep something in. Oh and he also used > to read the Calculus books while quietly giggling to himself. I wonder why Archie never posted the results. > I'm sure he was thinking "Silly Humans and their 'Mathematics'." Puh-lease! What we nutty people are actually thinking is "Silly Earth humans and their primitive Earth 'mathematics'." I mean, it doesn't even have a factor for crispiness, and therefore is useless for calculating the tensile strength of a house made of bacon! > The toy store next to us had to ban him from coming in there because > he used to walk in and stare at the children. Hey! I only did that once! And it was because the first assignment in the "Writing Children's Literature" class was to "go somewhere where there are children and observe the children"! I got ejected from the very same FAO Schwartz store that inspired the book "Toys That Don't Care". Now I can't buy the $200 "Trend Forecaster Barbie"! > And I haven't even mentioned the customer who stalked me, even tracking me > down when I transferred to another state. I hear that you can keep stalkers from coming to your state by wrapping the entire state in aluminum foil. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to translate a letter from Christo. -- K. But if I mistakenly translate one from Crisco, I'll start wrapping baked potatoes in a thousand miles of aluminum foil. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Crazy people and retail Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 07:53:11 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 55 Message-ID: References: <20030424064907.04942.00000005@mb-m05.aol.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051422673 13877 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 05:51:13 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 05:51:13 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474400 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > "Lots42 bomb vice president" (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > [...] do crazy people focus on one store? Or do they go do > > their crazy at multiple ones? > > For the most part I worked the night shift at a small grocery store for > about a year. The place had insanely high prices but was very convenient > for the associated vagrants and college students that made up our primary > customer base. But this "primary customer base" is just the bottom of the Great Pyramid Of Annoying Customers. Above them are 666 different levels of jerks. Fortunately, the large base of the pyramid includes lots of non-jerks, but often you can be overwhelmed by the incredible number of kinds of jerks -- although they're the majority, there's only one kind of non-jerk, so you can get complacent and then be blind-sided by a team of a Type 557 Yeller and a Type 603 Liar, accompanied by a Type 011 Abusive Minor. > In general, the people really didn't seem all that crazy. Oh sure, the old > narcoleptic guy that I've mentioned here before made for a pretty decent > story, and the blind couple that would have us do their grocery shopping up > to and including writing out their checks for them were pretty interesting, > but for the most part the people that were recognizably crazy also tended > to be alcoholic bums. Not much entertainment there. I mean sure, I didn't > really believe that bums would drink an aerosol can of Lysol until I > actually had one ask if we carried it, but that only takes you so far. Why did he want the aerosol kind instead of the liquid kind if he was drinking it? I am unfamiliar enough with alcoholic beverages that I do not know precisely how Lysol is used. Does it go in a shaker or in a blender before you add the grenadine? > So who knows, maybe the crazy people favored other area stores and I was > missing out. Or maybe there was some particularly crazy customer that had > claimed us as his or her own and the others stayed away. Or maybe, just > maybe it could be that being crazy doesn't preclude you from being cost > conscious and they found it worth the extra couple of blocks of walking to > save a few bucks. Actually, ALL the people who drive twenty miles to save three cents are crazy. I believe that's the current diagnostic criterion used by all psychiatrists: "How far would you drive to save three cents? If you're spending more than three seconds thinking about those three cents, you're crazy. The End!" -- K. Also, you're crazy if, when you make your index fingers look like an out-of-focus floating frankfurter, you actually amaze yourself. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I didn't do it! Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 08:01:06 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 27 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051423148 13877 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 05:59:08 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 05:59:08 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474402 "Tamara" (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > I had NOTHING to do with the Toronto SARS outbreak. Really. I have > *different* cooties. I do NOT have SARS cooties. Yet. But you see, by going out of your way to not get SARS, you're probably ensuring that someone else will get the SARS meant for you. I guess that makes you bad. Also, although I hope nobody on alt.religion.kibology catches SARS, if they did it would be best if they were a British person who got it from sitting on a filthy British toilet, because it would be fun to say the phrase "arse SARS" over and over. I call dibs on being the first to say "HEY, YOU GOT ARSE SARS!" to anyone who gets arse SARS. -- K. Coincidentally relevant soundbite: "He's the only guy in the world who wears a monocle in his BLANK." -- "Match Game" question on my TV right now. I bet Phyllis Diller says something like "living room" and Brett Somers yells "OH, I GOT IT, I GOT IT, but what's a monocle?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kill Me Now Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 08:11:49 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 37 Message-ID: References: <1ftmhpy.6xappl5nvkvzN%mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051423792 12759 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 06:09:52 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:09:52 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474404 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > I had to give class presentations all day today. For two classes of > eighth graders, the subject was dating and relationships. Three guesses > as to what the hot topic of discussion was. "Isn't Fonzie dreamy?" and "Would you sleep with Potsie for a million dollars?" and "Would you sleep with Potsie and Fonzie at the same time for half a million dollars?" That's if the kids were held back about twenty grades so that they got to see good TV like my generation. > For the other three classes, which were seventh graders, the topic was > substance abuse. Did you know that marijuana cures cancer? They know > this because doctors are allowed to prescribe marijuana to cancer patients. That's right, because if marijuana caused cancer, it would be stupid to prescribe it to people who had already caught cancer from it, because then they'd get double super cancer. And everything either causes cancer or cures cancer, especially if you watch TV news, therefore marijuana must cure cancer. And it must cure it real good if the government doesn't want you to have any! > Also, I shouldn't believe everything anyone tells me and if I don't know > the current street names for every single illegal drug, then I don't know > enough about drugs to teach about them. Yeah, I bet you don't even know how to spin glink. -- K. Also, you get cancer if you want to stop your computer from doing something but miss the "Cancel" button and click on the "Cancer" button. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Kibo does Jury Duty! Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 08:23:57 +0200 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 38 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c062.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051424519 12759 208.192.102.62 (27 Apr 2003 06:21:59 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:21:59 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474407 I allegedly have jury duty on Monday morning (in Roxbury this time) unless they cancel it. I expect it won't last long, as I'll get booted out once they see what I put down as my current occupation. Although I'm still working as a graphic designer and Web administrator, I'm currently spending more time doing something else, something sufficiently weird to probably freak out any sane lawyer (although there are lawyers out there who don't understand that they're supposed to use peremptory challenges if they actually want to win.) I haven't got the Web site for my new profession set up yet, and I'm really not ready to tell you folks all about this highly disturbing new job while I'm still in the gearing-up phase, so I'll just say it's something from this list: hockey goalie porn star medieval re-enactor "Star Trek" cast member's ghostwriter secret agent telephone psychic French interpreter Red Adair cat burglar wine critic underwear inspector #37 TV talk show host's sidekick pizza maker lawyer I'll be bringing my laptop to the courthouse so you can expect me to write a bunch of stuff while I'm waiting for them to put me on a jury so they can kick me off. In order for me to have lots of enjoyable stuff to read and comment on, I'd appreciate it if, in the meantime, you folks would go through the above list and explain why I would be great at each and every one of those jobs. -- K. P.S. I admit nothing. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Kibo does Jury Duty! Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 14:17:49 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 231 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b147.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051553760 19224 208.192.101.147 (28 Apr 2003 18:16:00 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 18:16:00 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474579 alt.fan.beable:64999 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I haven't got the Web site for my new profession set up yet, and I'm > > really not ready to tell you folks all about this highly disturbing > > new job while I'm still in the gearing-up phase, so I'll just say > > it's something from this list: > > > > hockey goalie porn star medieval re-enactor > > > > "Star Trek" cast member's ghostwriter secret agent > > It's Wesley, isn't it? I wish! I think it's more likely that it will turn out he's been ghostwriting for me (perhaps without my knowing it), because he's a better writer. I have trouble turning out a whole sentence without mentioning that I'm currently drinking blue sugar water or how much I hate live-action movies based on cartoons. > You couldn't be ghostwriting for somebody INTERESTING like > Seven-of-Nine, or Fonzie, or Wally Lewis, or even Potsie. Hey, don't diss Potsie. He directed some of the worst episodes of NBC's "seaQuest" as well as UPN's "Star Trek: Voyager". And for that he has earned a special place in my heart. Potsie, the man who zeroed right in on the episodes which needed his services. Stupid plots need the most Potsie! > No, you had to take money off Wesley to help him fix up his > SAD, SAD website http://www.wilwheaton.net/ > > -> If you have been here before, maybe you'd like to wear this cool > -> new WWDN T-shirt! You can support the site, and look damn good > -> while you do it! > > So if I wear a T-shirt with "WWDN" on it, I'll look "damn good"? > It doesn't even make sense! "What Would Wesley Do", is "WWWD", > not "WWDN". Arseclown. > > Also, if Wesley shows up and makes fun of my website, I'm going to > deny all knowledge of this post. The solution is to just stop updating your Web site. Then people stop even asking you about it after the first four years. It's great. I should add that when Wil Wheaton dyed his hair blue it inspired me to dye my beard red so that people can tell us apart. Sometime when you've got six hours to spare I can tell you a long and complicated story about an obscure historical figure with black hair and a red beard, which leads to horrible things happening. Hopefully if I have the same hairstyle a similar level of excitement will be caused, except in the story I'm thinking of it took over a century before the city burned down because of some guy's two-tone beard. Also, I'm currently drinking blue sugar water, and I hate live-action movies based on cartoons. Incidentally, I should add that, as live-action movies based on cartoons go, one of the very few that are not awful is "Asterix et Obelix contre Cesar" (please forgive my lack of accent marks), starring Christian Claver, an obese Gerard Depardieu, and a dubbed-into-French Roberto Benigni (as "Detritus".) It's not available in English, or with English subtitles, or even with French subtitles, but enough wackiness happens that I was able to enjoy it even though I could only catch little bits of what they were saying. It's also one of those movies where it becomes clear that while Roberto Benigni is fine when he's the center of attention in a movie revolving around his hyperactivity, when he's a peripheral character (particularly when he's a villain) he doesn't always know how to tone it down. He's pretty much the only one in the film who comes across as giving a stupid performance -- everyone else (especially Gerard Depardieu) understands how to play silly comedy with a straight face. In the scenes between Roberto Benigni and Gottfried John (as Caesar), Gottfried John acts circles around Benigni, just by playing it straight to the point of camp, always a better approach than going for an over-the-top spaz-out. Gottfried John is one of those actors who makes anything better whenever he shows up. For instance, he was one of the many good things about "Goldeneye" (the best of the Pierce Brosnan Bond movies) and even the atrocious, idiotic show "Space Rangers" became almost watchable during the filler scenes where Gottfried John played chess with Linda Hunt, another person who deserved better than to be used to kill time in "Space Rangers". Think of it this way: Gottfried John is the answer to the question "What would Patrick Stewart be like if he were Aryan?" and Linda Hunt is the answer to the question "What would Rhoda's mom be like if she were a hobbit?" Speaking of Rhoda's mom (Nancy Walker, today best remembered for appearing in a paper-towel commercial) you need to know that she directed the second-gayest disco musical movie of all time -- "Can't Stop The Music", starring Steve Guttenberg, Bruce Jenner, and Valerie Perrine. (Oh, and the Village People had cameos in it, too.) "Can't Stop The Music" was made in 1980, the same year that Golan and Globus made one which was a million times gayer, "The Apple". Set in the distant futuristic year of 1994, "The Apple" is an all-singing, all-dancing, all-very-very-very-gay movie from those last days of disco, when disco somehow became gay. "The Apple" includes the horrifying sight of Vladek Sheybal singing and dancing in glittery makeup. Vladek Sheybal is one of those "international stars" like Gottfried John who gets to play the bad guy in European movies because he has an accent from a different part of Europe. Vladek Sheybal turns up in any movie that needs a little Russian guy with a rat face. He was in "From Russia With Love" (a Bond film from long before Pierce Brosnan) and he played the doctor in Gerry Anderson's "U.F.O.", a show which was made in 1969 but set in the distant futuristic year of 1980. In "The Apple", from 1980, it looked like 1994 was going to be totally gay. But in "U.F.O.", from 1969, it looked like 1980 was going to be super-mod. All men would wear Beatle wigs and Nehru jackets to work, and women would get purple glam wigs and silver catsuits with a bikini on the outside. The important thing about this is that "Can't Stop The Music" starred Steve Guttenberg, a person who I file in the same slice of my brain as Gilbert Gottfried because I forget the difference between them because I'm not interested in either of them, which means we can now plot this diagram: Gilbert Gottfried (is easily confused with) Steve Guttenberg (who was in a movie directed by) Nancy Walker (who was the larger version of) Linda Hunt (who played chess with) Gottfried John (who has the same name as) Gilbert Gottfried! ...and thus, the Cycle Of Gottfrieds is closed off upon itself without needing to involve either Pierce Brosnan or Sean Connery! All thought about any of those people will eventually turn to Gilbert Gottfried! There is no escape from Gilbert Gottfried! But the odd thing is that, because I'm on jury duty, and wondering whether I'll get booted off the panel for being obviously a counter-cultural free-thinking weirdo, I was thinking about a classic "Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers" cartoon from the '60s, where Fat Freddy puts on a suit jacket and tucks his long hair into his shirt collar because he thinks the cops will beat him if he turns up for jury duty if he looks like a hippie, but then he sees that a hippie's on trial for possession of dope so Freddy wants to be on the jury so he unfurls his hair and rips his jacket open, saying, "SEE? LONG HAIR! 'FUCK' T-SHIRT!" and then the cops beat him. And that cartoon! Which has never been made into a live-action movie! Was drawn by! Gilbert Shelton! And therefore... Gilbert Gottfried (is easily confused with) Steve Guttenberg (who was in a movie directed by) Nancy Walker (who was the larger version of) Linda Hunt (who played chess with) Gottfried John (who has the same name as) Gilbert Gottfried who has the same name as) Gilbert Shelton! HOORAY, GILBERT SHELTON HAS FREED US OF THE TYRNANNY OF THE ENDLESS CYCLE OF GILBERT GOTTFRIED! Also, he drew that "Peed Skills!" poster which Philip K. Dick liked, one of the many valuable public services performed by underground hippie comics artists on the 1960s, just like the "Snappy Sammy Smoot" poster where he said "Don't wee wee on yer tee vee." I don't remember who drew "Snappy Sammy Smoot" but, although it wasn't as funny as Gilbert Shelton's work, I really like the hallucinogenically-glossy visual style, reminiscent of the work of Heinz Edelmann (who designed "Yellow Submarine", a cartoon based on a live-action band.) My favorite moment in "Yellow Submarine" is one of the ones that gets cut off by the edge of the TV screen (and even the letterboxed DVD still cuts off half this joke), when they're in the Sea Of Monsters pushing all the buttons to see what secret weapons the submarine has, and one of the buttons makes a big banner saying "THE ROLLING STONES" pop out of the tail of the sub. Except on the DVD it's more like "OLLING STONES" and on TV it's just a tail fin going into the limbo where the TV picture isn't. ...And that makes it even more surreal! But then the Beatles went into the Sea Of Time, and inspired "Sesame Street", then they made the submarine go too fast, and they all died, because skeed pills. But at least Roberto Benigni and Steve Guttenberg never did a movie together where they would roller boogie, because the lethal combination of spaz rays and dork rays from the two of them would kill everyone involved even if no drugs were involved. All "Simpsons" fans will remember that Steve Guttenberg only became a movie star because the Masons, headed by Patrick Stewart, made it so. And of course this gives us a relationship: Gilbert Gottfried (is almost the same person as) Steve Guttenberg (was made a star by) Patrick Stewart (who is the English version of) Gottfried John (who has the same name as) Gilbert Gottfried! AUGH! THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM THE VORTEX OF GILBERT GOTTFRIED! I AM ON JURY DUTY AND GILBERT GOTTFRIED WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE! Also, Roberto Benigni is in here somewhere. Probably something about him replacing Peter Sellers in the final "Pink Panther" movie, and from there we go to Peter Sellers being in lots of drugged-up psychedelic movies, and then we get to the "U.F.O." episode where the aliens menace hippies who are strung out on LSD in slow motion, who are treated by doctor Vladek Sheybal, but I really don't want to think about this any more because I don't want to win a Nobel Prize for this. Unless the Nobel Prize comes with a certificate which says I don't have to serve on jury duty for the next three years, and I never have to think about Gilbert Gottfried ever again. -- K. Yes, Gerard Depardieu was obese. I think it was done with a combination of foam rubber and pastry. The guy with the red beard did not show up. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo does Jury Duty! Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 21:05:48 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 139 Message-ID: References: <3EABFC77.A92@yahoo.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c043.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051491831 15702 208.192.102.43 (28 Apr 2003 01:03:51 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 01:03:51 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474483 [regarding Kibo's choice of professions] "madge" (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > hockey goalie porn star medieval re-enactor > > > > "Star Trek" cast member's ghostwriter secret agent > > > > telephone psychic French interpreter Red Adair > > > > cat burglar wine critic underwear inspector #37 > > > > TV talk show host's sidekick pizza maker lawyer > > You'd be absolutely mad to take a stand with the Bruins in determined > mode trying to get a little rubber puck through you anyway they can. Women, heh heh heh. Them and their "little rubber puck" and "Bruins are hard to play against." See, the Bruins aren't, how shall I put this, a real team. They'd have a hard time getting the puck past me. Heck, they'd even have trouble getting the puck past Linda Hunt, and she's slightly worse than me, partly because she's dead! Last time they played the Devils, Martin Brodeur went down the street looking for a poutine cart, because they just put his goalie uniform on a blow-up doll and it was stopping the Bruins just fine. And last time the Bruins played the Avalanche, Patrick Roy went out looking for the same poutine cart after putting a strip of Scotch tape across the front of the goal. And in Ottawa, Patrick Lalime stayed home and made his own poutine, after phoning the coach and asking him to just use a laser pointer to draw a frownie face on the ice in front of the goal. The Bruins ain't playing no more hockey this year, they got crushed by the Devils in Round 1. I hear that Joe Thornton is now in Hollywood waiting for Andy Dick to get fired from another sitcom so that he can take over. Sure, he's a fine hockey player, but there are lots of other hockey players, and nobody else looks as much like Andy Dick as Joe Thornton does, right down to the Andy Dick-style smile, pointy chin, and wavy blond hair parted down the middle. I think he has a long career ahead of him as Substitute Andy Dick. And the Devils, they managed to beat the Bruins easily even though their star player is John Madden, who is elderly, fat, and a football player who had a can of Ace True Value housepaint in each hand. > Where would they find a body double for you as a pron star. Billy Bob Thornton? See, Billy Bob Thornton is the more photogenic version of Kibo but Joe Thornton is the sober, manly version of Andy Dick. It always comes down to the fact that anyone can be replaced by a Thornton. Joe Bob Thornton could fill in for Norm MacDonald, and "Babylon 5" producer Ron Thornton must look like someone, but I don't know what Ron Thornton looks like so I'll just guess David Hasselhoff at random. > Well medieval re-enactment of the plague might just attract the white > house and give you an axis of evil designation. That's one of the many reasons Renaissance festivals aren't authentic. Usually fewer than 35% of the attendees are covered with open running sores. Incidentally, the plague responds well to penicillin, so you don't have to be afraid of it unless you're a Christian Scientist or allergic to penicillin or forget to pack any antibiotics in the glove compartment of your time machine. > I can see the title of the book now, "Why do I always get killed wearing > a Yellow crew neck". Yeah, the best episodes are all those ones where Sulu gets killed. Also I really liked the "Star Trek" / "Starlost" crossover where Chekov got into an argument with The Alien Oro over who had the yellower outfit. I think I declared it a tie with regard to the outfits but The Alien Oro definitely had the better back-to-front whole-head comb-over. > You cannot be Secret agent as your uniform gives the game away Mr Avon > Calling. No real secret agent would wear a uniform that says "SECRET AGENT UNIFORM" on it. Therefore, it's the perfect disguise for a real secret agent. Also it confuses the Commies because one of my epaulets says I'm a general and the other says I'm an admiral. And on the back of the jacket it says "EVERYTHING ON THIS JACKET IS A LIE." Always confuse the enemy. > Why you want job phoning psychic's I don't know but they should, "Hey > the next calls from Kibo, don't answer it". Hmm, I suppose I could give people grammar advice on the phone. I'm not that great at it, but I could probably help. > Non !!! I think I'd be a very good French interpreter, and in fact I can interpret French better than most French people, because when I'm translating French I don't just say what the French people are saying, I make up something completely different and much more interesting. For instance, in a movie where Roberto Benigni is dubbed into French, when he yells "MAMA MIA! C'EST BRILLIANT!" I hear "MAMA MIA! CHATEAUBRIAND!" and make up my own plot about wine and steak and ketchup and Lucille Ball. > I don't see you as having pyromaniac tendencies. Red Adair is the OPPOSITE of a pyromaniac. I have the feeling nobody here knows who Red Adair is. That's why you people are not cool. > Once you've stolen one cat the urge diminishes. Now there you're translating a French Roberto Benigni movie literally. He gets imported into France whenever they need to make a movie about a guy stealing cats. But me, I'd translate the French word for "catburglar" as "Hamburglar" and make up a better plot. You see, in France, they don't have hamburgers (they have the Metric system) so the Hamburglar just sneaks into your home while you're asleep and steals your kidneys. While we're on the subject of catburgers, at the Super 88 today I bought a jar of Chinese black pepper steak sauce where the recipe on the back of the jar wants me to add the sauce to "steak (1/2 catty)". What do I do if my steak is completely catty? Put it between Brett Somers and Charles Nelson Reilly? I won't comment on the other stuff you said, because it's time for me to take my gyoza out of the oven and eat them while watching the Senators beat the Flyers. Lately the Flyers have been about ten times as good as the Bruins, so the Senators might only win by three goals. -- K. I'll explain what Linda Hunt and Roberto Benigni are doing in this article tomorrow. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo does Jury Duty! Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 22:16:25 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 48 Message-ID: References: <3EABFC77.A92@yahoo.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c032.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051496071 30779 208.192.102.32 (28 Apr 2003 02:14:31 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 02:14:31 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474489 Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I have the feeling nobody here knows who Red Adair is. That's why you > > people are not cool. > > See, Kibo writes this and posts it to the public webforum here *after* I > already e-mailed him with S00PER SEKR1T Kibological Information which > proves that I indeed know who Red Adair is! He does this to taunt me. > And to piss me off, because he knows how hard it is to piss me off. > But basically I know who Red Adair is and even though I found out while > doing research for this year's entry into a dead pool, dammit, it means > I'm cool, and Kibo's cool, and the rest of you are not. Nobody cool would think Red Adair could ever die. Look at it this way: Bob Hope never dies, and all he ever did was to wear a suit while gently ribbing Vice Presidents. Red Adair, he wrestles burning oil wells to the ground with his bare hands. Red Adair is stronger than Paul Bunyan, Beowulf, and Magnus Arvedsson combined. Red Adair buys chewing gum made from titanium. Red Adair could knock the Moon out of orbit by punching it. Red Adair could never die, be killed, get sick, make a mistake, or lose a bet. If you dropped a nuclear bomb down the back of Red Adair's shirt, it wouldn't even go "Boom!", the bomb would just go "Waah! I'm not tough enough to consider exploding near Red Adair!" Know why they call him "Red"? Because he invented the color red and the other four primary colors, two of which are so manly only he can see them. Red Adair single-handedly built the Rocky Mountains, the Grand Canyon, and Disneyland. Red Adair uses the Eiffel Tower as a toothpick, and has a freckle that's better than the Mona Lisa. Red Adair can rip a phone book in half with his hair. Red Adair has vision that can see through Superman. Red Adair can levitate either by making himself float or by using the power of his mind to move the entire Earth away from him. Red Adair has a License To Kill but he's so cool that he doesn't go around showing it to people like that Connery loser. Red Adair always wins at tic-tac-toe, even when he lets you go first. Red Adair can do all that at the same time even though he's found time during every day of his life to be a charter member of The Clean Plate Club. That's why Red Adair is so tough that Death could never kill him. He would kill Death. He wouldn't just play chess with Death, he'd club Death over the head with a solid gold baseball bat. Red Adair is immortal, invincible, and the subject of this essay. -- K. Red Adair is neat. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo does Jury Duty! Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 14:20:20 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 41 Message-ID: References: <3EABFC77.A92@yahoo.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b147.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051553903 19224 208.192.101.147 (28 Apr 2003 18:18:23 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 28 Apr 2003 18:18:23 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474582 talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Nobody cool would think Red Adair could ever die. > > > > Look at it this way: Bob Hope never dies, and all he ever did was > > to wear a suit while gently ribbing Vice Presidents. > > I really really thought you said bob hope was gently rubbing vice > presidents. > > really. That's how he invented fire. He was only middle-aged back then. Unlike those people who stay middle-aged forever, such as Angela Lansbury and Michael Gough. Except I think Michael Gough is dead, so that's two ways he's superior to Bob Hope. > is red adair cool enough to do that? > > I have to admit, the only person I can think of when you say "red > adair" is that whiney guy who won the math award, then blew up the > dinosaurs. Of course, winning a math award in a "Jurassic Park" movie just requires you to be smarter than Jeff Goldblum's character, who spends all his time saying things like "Science will never know how much one times zero is, because of chaos theory and stuff," so just counting your fingers will beat that, even after the dinosaurs bite off seven of them. Also, you get extra points if you can involve the word "Barbasol". -- K. So when is Dr. Joyce Brothers's hairstyle going to get older? It's been stuck in 1962 forever! Well, since 1962. Unless she invented it. Hey, maybe that's why she's famous! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What happened last time I was on jury duty, two years ago. Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 02:57:42 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 471 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b154.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051426548 13725 208.192.101.154 (27 Apr 2003 06:55:48 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 06:55:48 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474409 I just looked up the date of my last jury duty and it was only two years ago. Maybe if I'd looked it up sooner I could have been exempt. Oh well, too late for that now. Anyway, in anticipation of the nuf I'll be having on Monday ("nuf" is the opposite of "fun") here's what I experienced two years ago. -- K. The guitar I mentioned is still sitting around. It was supposed to be a prop but it apparently is now a tchotchke. Oh, and the story about the wrong type of credit card? Guess what -- it's two years later and they just sent me another one of the duds. ////////// RE-RUN! ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I survived Jury Duty! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 13 Apr 2001 17:38:35 GMT 7:52 am. I make my way into the building, past the giant line of orange cones and orange cylinders (the really skinny kind) in front of the building. I came by public transportation because the summons said that there was no parking available because I was "encouraged to use public transportation." Also, I don't own a car. 7:53 am. I go through the metal detector. It goes off. The guard asks to see my jury duty slip and tells me to take the elevator to the 2nd floor. He does not scan me to see what I'm trying to sneak in. While he's talking to me, two more people waltz through it and it goes off each time. Both are carrying large objects. I get in the elevator to go one floor, which takes about five minutes (it's one of those elevators that, for safety reasons, will not move for four minutes after any button has been pushed.) I would have taken the large and obvious stairs, but the guard SAID I had to take the elevator. 7:59 am. I get to the jury pool waiting room. I give the officer my form (on which I have written "Occupation: Political Satirist" this time because that's what my most recent business cards were form [the-Election.com] and the new ones I laid out this week [which I'm not allowed to disclose yet] haven't come back from the printer.) The officer remedies some oversights on the questionnaire and asks what city I live in, then gives me a tiny slip on which I am supposed to check whether I am White, Black, or Cape Verdean. I check "White" because I look white. I tell the guy "Wow, this is the quietest I've ever seen it here," because there are only two of us in line and not the usual 500. He laughs and says "That's 'cause we split it up." 8:01 am. I go to the vending machines in a little room off to one side of the jury pool room. I want to buy E6, Chewy SweetTarts, but the spiral clamp things go around and it fails to drop. So I resign myself to getting a second packet of E6, but it turns out there are Nestle Crunch bars hidden behind the only packet of Chewy SweetTarts. I go right past the several large signs that say "NO FOOD IN AREA", sit down, and have breakfast. (Gatorade from the subway station, Lipton Brisk, Nestle Crunch, Chewy SweetTarts, and generic gummi blue fruits from here.) Hey, if they didn't want me to eat in the "NO FOOD IN AREA" area, they shouldn't have put in vending machines that tried to rip me off. 8:03 am. There is a TV in the jury room which is showing "Today" on Channel 7. It tells me, over and over, that it is Friday the 13th 'cause that is so important. Willard Scott wishes some old people a happy birthday (which is represented by superimposing a picture of them on the back label of a jar of Smucker's strawberry jam as part of a bizarre product placement deal to represent centenarians as jam ingredients.) The TV continues to tell me that Michael Skankel, an evil peripheral semi-Kennedy, is going to court at long last over the murder of his neighbor twenty years ago. Gosh, I hope he's getting tried in Massachusetts. And gosh, I'm glad I wrote "Political Satirist" on my questionnaire. Nyah. 8:12 am. I use the men's room, which still has the signs on and above the door which some court officer made himself with his kid's wood-burning set. Mmm! They're scorched in cursive! It must have been a curly forest fire! I change seats to be closer to the silly lavender-carpeted raised stage at the front of the room, so that I can better see the court officer's daily performance of why we shouldn't even try to argue with them about our jury duty. No matter how many times I see it, it just keeps getting better. And I make sure that my seat also has a good view of the Willard Scott TV because I know they're also going to play that tape of local shysters telling us how jury duty is Our Civic Obligation just in case we don't like jury duty but like ambulance-chasers. (My favorite local ambulance-chaser: "We're the larr offices of Dane M. Shulman, and we'll work haaaad to get you the money you deserve.") 8:29 am. I run out of stuff to write about. Interestingly, the big clock here agrees with my wristwatch despite the fact that I like to keep my watch three minutes fast to make me three minutes early for fun things like jury duty. 8:32 am. Channel 7 tells me yet again what a great day it is outside. I wouldn't know. All the windows here have a view of a giant air conditioner suspended in the exact center of the glass. I continue eating my Chewy SweetTarts in the front row to see if the officer will say anything when he makes his speech. But, of course, I was supposed to be here at 8:00, so they probably won't do anything until 8:45 or 9:00. Matt Lauer: "It's Friday, the 13th day of April in the year 2001... of course, that makes this Friday the 13th!" TV is brainy. But then Matt Lauer reassures us that it's mitigated by the fact that it's Good Friday. And Willard Scott further reassures us that we will all someday get really old if we eat Smucker's. Mmm, geriatric jam. Is it always Smucker's, or do they sometimes superimpose the old-timers on other household products? "Here are today's Roach Motel birthdays..." 8:39 am. The SweetTarts were a good purchase because they take a long time to eat, unless I want to spend the day with broken teeth in a court of law. 8:44 am. I go to the bathroom again. That iced tea sure works fast in the morning. I note that the bathroom faucet knobs are spring-loaded to make it impossible for one-handed people to practice any sort of hygiene. When I leave, the TV is telling me how long it takes to paint paisley on an Easter egg. When I come back, the woman is nattering about how much she loves an Easter egg painted to look like a VW Beetle. I have the same instinctive reaction to these eggs as Malcolm McDowell at the end of "A Clockwork Orange". 8:52 am. I finish reading the 39 a.r.k articles that have arrived since midnight. I compose a few replies. However, since I don't have an offline newsreader, I have to save them for later transmission, instead of queueing them for later transmission. (My newsreader doesn't have an offline mode, so before leaving home I simply opened all 39 windows and put the laptop to sleep.) "Today" is still nattering away inanely. This is the worst thing I've seen on NBC since the "Triumph Of The Will"-inspired propaganda piece set to the tune of Beethoven's 9th in the womb-shaped "NBC Panasonic HDTV Theater" in the NBC store in the NBC building in NBC NYC. But that was coupled with getting to go on a desk ride with Conan O'Brien (and the relatively less important Matt McIrvin) whereas the most exciting ride in the jury duty room is Watch The Chewy SweetTarts Not Fall Out Of The Plastic Helix. 8:57 am. "Today" has a story interviewing people who tried to send Al Gore a special mirror that won't reverse left and right, so he could properly act as an "alpha male" after parting his hair the other way in the non-reversing mirror, but, "It's very hard to change the part in a man's hair." (Impossible, if you believe Commander Koenig.) Matt Lauer added, "Kinda confusing, innit?" Now the TV is advertising Conan O'Brien just to taunt me about the lack of late-night-TV-inspired rides in this boring room with lavender carpeting and not one candy shoppe filled with little plastic trash cans with NBC logos printed on them because it's NBC brand garbage candy. I am not making that up, NBC thinks putting the peacock on anything is a good idea. Someone should suggest toilet paper. I wonder if this means Willard Scott will start putting elderly people on trash cans. 9:02 am. They're starting even later than usual. Usually they berate us about how jury duty is a wonderful thing at 8:45. I am starting to lose my faith in the system. There are only about 25 jurors here, so I bet we are all one jury panel. And I am the Walrus, goo-goo-gajoob! Oh, kill me, Regis Philbin's show is coming on, and it will feature an interview with the latest reject from "Survivor". Why can't they make us watch something more exciting, like the CNN Airport Channel? Regis explains how weird it is that Good Friday is also Friday The 13th. I am once again frightened by the contradiction of TWO VERY IMPORTANT RELIGIOUS DOCTRINES!!! THE FLAWLESS CONTINUITY OF THE BIBLE WAS RUINED!!! Regis is now explaining how amazing it is that the Easter Bunny can visit all those homes even though he doesn't have magic reindeer like Santa. "Here's my theory: There's more than one Easter Bunny." Audience: (loud gasp of horror) Kelly explains that because the spy-plane crew released to the Chinese got to "come home to Hawaii", "it almost makes it all worth it." Great flerking schnit, I knew that morning TV was vapid but I had no idea just how vapid. This makes "Highlights For Children" look like "Principia Mathematica". Regis is now talking about how much he likes "Barry Levinson, the famed director." You know, the guy who made "Toys". And he's dropping names. Regis was at a party with JON STEWART! WOW! Regis is telling a story about how George Young once car-pooled with Barry Levinson with "back in 1967 and '68 when everybody was discovering marijuana and dope." Who's George Young, and would someone please help Regis discover marijuana and/or dope? Regis: "Is that an incredible story?" Kelly: "It really is! And what's more amazing is that Barry didn't get sucked into that world of sitting on a lounge chair!" 9:16 a.m. They turn off the TV an we have to take off our hats and stand as a judge (not a court officer) gives us the standard speech about how great jury duty is. However, this time, instead of telling us that jury service used to be three days and is now just one wonderful day, she tells us that many years ago it used to be thirty days. This is followed by a fifteen-minute videotape, which is the same one as always, except that they have reshot the beginning to feature the new Chief Justice of the State Supreme Court. She gives the same speech as the other judge, including the part about how in caveman times people had to serve for thirty days, except that she talks about how jury duty is a "gweat pwiviwedge." Also, they added a line where she apologized for the "less than ideal" conditions in our jury waiting room and assured us that they would renovate it soon. The tape also shows nothing but 12-person juries while it's talking about civil and criminal trials, despite the fact that in this building they only do 6-person juries and no civil trials. Also, it emphasized the importance of reading our Juror's Handbook, which they didn't bother to mail me, and they didn't bother to hand them out when we came in either. Want to bet they also don't mail me the certificate that excuses me from serving again when they accidentally summons me a second time this year? It's not nearly as good a piece of propaganda about the wonders of our jury system as the "Happy Days" episode where Fonzie and Mr. C were on the jury with the racist guy who wanted to convict the black man until Fonzie explained that British motorcycles have the accelerator on the opposite side. 9:41 a.m. The videotape is over and we're told we can go out for coffee because they know they won't call for any juries before 10:15. So I spend a few minutes typing this up and then I finish peeing away the iced tea. I go exploring and can't find the press room immediately (I was hoping to find a place to dial out from my laptop) so I go down the hall and buy a small salad and a can of V-8 at the coffee shop. I go back to the little room with the vending machines and eat the salad. It has croutons supplied in a Baggie. While I was eating another guy came in and struck up a conversation with me. He was a nice guy, but I didn't feel like talking very much right then. I was less than loquacious because (a) I wanted to eat my lunch within the 15 minutes remaining and (b) he wanted to talk about the O.J. trial. And guess what? This guy was retired! What are the chances of bumping into a retired person on jury duty? (This is why Massachusetts sends out summonses every six months even though you're only required to serve every three years -- the moment you turn 65 you start anxiously checking the mailbox every day just to see if you've won a free trip to jury land!) The court officer said they were going to show us a movie on the TV after the propaganda tape, but the screen is just solid blue. In any case, I prefer "Solid Blue: The Motion Picture" to Willard Scott and those other bozos. (Willard was not only one of the original Bozos, but he was also the first Ronald McDonald. Too bad his career bottomed out and he was reduced to being a weather clown instead of a more respectable clown.) I relieve myself again. I don't normally pee nearly this often, but I've very tired (I got very little sleep last night, and also I had to get up eight hours before normal) and so my bladder has no stamina whatsoever and can only contain a teaspoon of iced tea at any given time. I'm also so tired I can't figure out what letter I omitted from "teaspoon", mainly because I didn't omit any. 10:16 am. I check the E-mail I downloaded this morning and see that people are spamming an address I've used only on eBay. And I notice that a lot of the recent spam is addressed to that address and kibo96@aol.com, kibo8@hotmail.com, kibo7@hotmail.com, kibo6@hotmail.com, kibo4@hotmail.com, kibo3@hotmail.com, kibo.maskinteknik@telia.com, kibny@hotmail.com, kibns@hotmail.com, kibnet@hotmail.com, kibneb@hotmail.com ...so I add a new E-mail filter to despam anything addressed to certain of those. I also make a mental note to do a Web search on "kibo.maskinteknik@telia.com", which is a very interesting-looking one. 10:17 am. While I'm typing the above, the court officer pops in a rented videotape, and doesn't even bother to fast-forward past the extended commercial for "Disney's Atlantis" at the start. I don't know what movie this is going to be, but I bet it's from Disney, so I can't imagine it's anything I would want to see. On the other hand, it's free, and I undoubtedly haven't seen it, given that it's a Disney release, unless it stars computer-animated toys. I assume that this videotape is licensed only for private viewing in homes, and not public exhibition in places like state courthouses. I have half a mind to call Disney's lawyers and have them sue the Commonwealth of Massachusetts into the ground for once and for all. The V-8 gave me lots of gas. Or maybe it was the salad with the cucumbers and radishes and stuff. We're now into the fourth trailer ("Disney's Atlantis", "Disney's 102 Dalmatians", "Disney's Aladdin", and "Disney's The Kid") and I have the distinct feeling that this is a Disney brand videotape. Please don't be Pauly Shore in "Jury Duty"! Please please please! It's "Remember The Titans", a film I'm not going to bother paying any attention to. I mean, it's about high school football. Not even real football! The only way to make it less exciting to me would be to make it about elementary school XFL. 10:47 am. I was bored enough that I wrote a fan letter to the guy who animated Clippy the happy paper clip from Microsoft Office. -> I will never understand why Microsoft didn't buy Clippy his own -> Saturday-morning show. I mean, they did "The Adventures Of Rubik -> The Amazing Cube" and I'm sure something like "Clippy And The -> Staple Gang In Outer Space" would have been oodles better. Still no sign of any "jury" or "duty" in my jury duty, just sitting here making loud typing noises while people are trying to watch a movie about the desegregation of high school football. (This particular laptop actually has a very quiet keyboard, I suspect that portable computers are designed with that in mind, as opposed to IBM's desktop keyboards which were originally designed to reassure secretaries who were used to manual typewriters that went "KER!!! CHUNK!!! AHHH!!!" after every key was pounded. My keyboard just makes gentle tapping sounds. And the letters are starting to wear off the "o", "t", and "a" keys. And the right side of the space bar is really shiny.) I think I need to stretch my legs now. 10:54 am. I've moved from the front to the rear of the room. There's less video back here and a window is actual open to let in cool air, which is nice given that the heaters are on (and my laptop is heating up my lap with its lap-shaped metal heat sink.) So, I am sitting on the windowsill about thirty feet from most of the other jurors, who are watching the free movie or reading quietly. Looking out this window allowed me to verify that the back of the building is also surrounded by orange cones. 11:05 am. I spell-check this. I fix "hygeine" and tell this program that no, it should not be "corrected" to "Lippy the happy paper clip." The spell-checker knows "Zippy", though. So I can write about pinheads without fear of false accusation of typos. I note that this room has about 58 Xeroxed signs saying "NO SMOKING / PROHIBIDO FUMAR" where "NO SMOKING" is in Helvetica Black (horizontally squished) but "PROHIBIDO FUMAR" is in what appears to be the medium weight of Linotype Spartan II (horizontally squished.) I wonder where they got it. (Spartan is a Futura knockoff, some variants of which have chamfered angles as in this "M" in "FUMAR". Real Futura and most of its other clones have acute angles in the "M" in the light to medium weights. And this certainly isn't Century Gothic, Avant Garde, Avenir, or any other common geometric sans-serif.) Yesterday I bought eight new rechargeable AA batteries for my camera for this occasion, but I forgot to charge them, so I have to continue using the four disposable ones I bought at the supermarket to photograph their sign advertising "Chicken Winos". (Someone had figured out that the hand-written signs would look neater if they held a ruler up to the sign as they drew. They hadn't figured out that some letters need to have descenders.) I brought some work with me I could be doing right now (a script I need to polish, for actual remuneration) but I'm so sleepy that near the top of this log I typed "write" when I meant "right", and earlier in this sentence I typed "right" when I mean "write". And while I was typing it, they announced: 11:17 am. They told us to go home. We didn't even get to find out whether black people and white people were ever allowed to play high school football together. Nor did I finish my Chewy SweetTarts. I went outside to finish typing this up in front of the giant line of orange cones. I had some errands to run, so afterwards I decided to do things like go to frickin' Sovereign Bank to complain that they had secretly replaced my gold card with an ugly red card. So, because it was a nice day, I decided to walk a roundabout route through downtown Boston. I headed down past the Old State House (unfortunately, they were no longer having that exhibition of pictures of famous Boston fires) and visited the Rand McNally store, where I bought four maps, which I was careful to ensure were NOT drawn by Rand McNally. Three were "iMap" brand maps. I had considered the purchase of a $300 "eMap" handheld GPS-enabled digital mapping unit, but then I discovered that what I needed for walking around big cities were these "iMaps", which are just detailed downtown maps with little Cracker Jack compasses glued to them and a flap listing useful phone numbers. I went around Quincy Market -- which I hadn't been to in a few years because, let's face it, it's only for lame tourists who have never seen a pedestrial mall -- stopping only at the little magic shop at the end, to see if they had any tricks which were lamer than the ones at the professional magicians' shop in the South End (where I had seen the "Pride & Joy" trick, the "lighter and heavier" trick, the "say what is printed beneath your zodiac sign" trick, etc.) but the tourist-oriented shop's small selection of magic tricks were all things which might have actually entertained children, unlike "Pride & Joy". There were two boys in there wearing magician's capes and clear plastic hockey masks strapped to their faces because it appeared they were recovering from either burns or severe bee attacks. The clear Jason masks looked uncomfortable but not as much so as anything Doug Henning ever wore. Then, I walked through Haymarket (which is where local farmers sell vegetables which are less rancid than the ones at the supermarkets -- big city supermarkets get the worst produce) and noted that one of the halal meat markets in that area has a "MEAT BARGAIN BASEMENT", which is a frightening concept in more ways than one. I went to my bank -- the branch where I had opened my account, near North Station -- and there was nobody there to help me, despite the fact that lunchtime is their busiest time of day. (Lots of Big Dig, Inverted Y, and Green Line Superplatform reconstruction workers were in there in orange vests.) There was one woman fumbling with a mouse, but after I tried to catch her eye a few times she left, leaving "Let's see how you did! Your score is: 80%!" on her screen along with an animated picture of a guy jumping up and down spastically (more obnoxious than Clippy) because she passed Fleet's rigorous examination. The other desk had a computer which said "Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to log in." I waited for about 20 minutes, and read the police blotter page of the Beacon Hill Gazette, but nobody even tried to help me, so I left. Screw them and their sovereign attitude. I got on a train and headed for the Berklee College Of Music so that I could buy some guitar strings. Sure, I could have bought the Student Acoustic Guitar Strings at Toys R Us on Tuesday, but I think electric ones would work better. Even though the guitar in question can't ever be plugged in, because first someone smashed the jack for the amplifier, and then someone else put a sticker over the hole and covered it with a thick layer of enamel paint. I just need some strings that won't make people say "Hey! I bet those strings used to be as long as the guitar when they weren't all broken and tangled and rusty and stuff!" when they see them from a safe distance. My computer's battery is running down already... Stupid battery. I don't know if this is the two-year-old or the one-year-old one, but neither is capable of holding a charge for five hours any more. More like two hours at best. And that's with the computer set to run at one-fourth normal speed. (It's not like I'm doing radiosity rendering or anything. I just need a window I can type into, so I don't care if the processor is going slowly. If it goes as fast as I can type, that's fast enough.) I went to either Daddy's Junky Music or the Berklee bookstore, I'm not sure which 'cause I'm writing this in advance, and I bought my guitar strings. Then I probably went home and won a billion dollars from Ed McMahon. -- K. I hope I didn't forget to post this. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: White Castles in the news Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 05:45:06 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 393 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b154.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1051436594 13386 208.192.101.154 (27 Apr 2003 09:43:14 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 27 Apr 2003 09:43:14 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:474413 Mark Hill kindly sent me this article he said he found in The Chicago Sun-Times: -> -> Police waiting for movement in diamond theft -> -> Published March 7, 2003 -> -> It's not every day that my readers can help solve a mystery. -> -> This one involves a stolen $40,000 diamond and a suspect who is being -> fed sacks of White Castle sliders by Chicago police so they can retrieve it. -> -> And this is your lucky day to play detective chef. -> -> So put on your detective hats, or your chef hats, and think up some -> delicious crime-fighting recipe--you'll figure out why soon enough-- -> to help the police crack this case. Although I generally do not comment on the wittiness of reporters' attempts at puns, I feel I must point out that someone probably snickered for several minutes when they typed the last sentence: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha CRACK the case! I put an ass-crack joke in this serious bastion of journalistic integrity!" Then Roger Ebert came into the office to see what was so funny. Then they both said "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha CRACK the case!" and took turns mooning each other and laughing until they passed out. And when they woke up, someone had put Ebert's hand on the other guy's butt! -> Let's call it "The Case of the Immovable Stone." -> -> According to police and diamond merchants at the Mallers Building--the -> jewelers building at 5 S. Wabash Ave.-- here's what happened: -> -> A few days ago, a man entered the building, walked into one of the -> stores and asked to see some expensive diamonds. That's the first sign something was wrong with this guy. Any sane person would want to see cheap diamonds. I've learned the hard way that it's not a good idea to go into a store, let's say Star Market, and say something like "All these cans of Dr Pepper are the same price! Get me a can of Dr Pepper which is EXPENSIVE! I want to see more digits on the price tag!" -> "He picked one up and then started coughing and covered his mouth to -> cough," said a detective source. "Then he returned the diamond. But it -> wasn't the same diamond. It was a piece of junk. He tried a switch. And -> the jeweler started screaming. They held him until our guys got there." -> -> What did he do with the real stone? -> -> "He swallowed it," said the source. "He just swallowed that big rock -> down. We put him in the 1st District lockup, and we waited for that -> stone to come out, if you know what I mean." -> -> I know what you mean. URGENT NEWS FLASH: REPORTER IS DEMONSTRATING HE UNDERSTANDS THE CONCEPT OF POO. Then Roger Ebert slapped him on the shoulder and gave him a key to the executive washroom so he would no longer have to use the filthy little one for reporters who don't know how poop works. -> "And we've been waiting and waiting, and one poor cop has to examine his -> business if you know what I mean, and still, no stone, if you know what -> I mean," the detective said. -> -> Unfortunately, I know what he means. URGENT NEWS FLASH: REPORTER REMEMBERS THAT HE STILL KNOWS THE CONCEPT OF POO. Then a bunch of people started dancing through the hallways carrying pennants that had "Cubs" crossed out and "Poo Callback" written in. -> "And we're still waiting, if you know what I mean," the detective said, -> "and the guy from the district who's examining the business, with -> plastic gloves, well, it's driving him crazy a little bit." URGENT NEWS FLASH: REPORTER FORGOT TO PROVE FOR A THIRD TIME THAT HE KNOWS THAT "IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN" REFERS TO THE POO THAT WAS REPEATEDLY MENTIONED. Then Roger Ebert took the key away and called the cleaning crew for an emergency executive washroom hosedown. -> There is a word for such a detail, but I can't use it here. Some -> officers at the 1st District are worried about the mental strain on -> their colleague. So I called the poor guy with the terrible job. And then he said "I feel so sorry for you on such a slow news day." -> "Oh God, I'm not going to say a thing," said the troubled officer. "You -> can call my commander." -> -> The commander of the 1st District is John Risley, who was not available -> when I called. But later a source familiar with the search mission -> insisted that the officer volunteered for the duty. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha DOOTY!" -> Are you seriously asking me to believe that? -> -> "Yes," said the source. "He volunteered. Don't you believe me?" -> -> No. -> -> Pat Camden, a Chicago police spokesman, confirmed the problem. -> -> "We've got a suspect with a large 3-carat diamond in him, but he can't -> be charged until that diamond is recovered and it hasn't yet, -> completely," Camden said. "They say it's about $40,000 worth of diamond, -> lodged in his lower intestine, according to the X-rays. Three carats is -> a lot of carats. It's a big stone." 3 carats = a pea. (1 kt is about 6.25 mm in diameter with a normal cut, so 3 kt would be the cube root of 3 times 6.25 mm, or 9 mm.) -> Camden said there are "extenuating circumstances." -> -> Two X-ray examinations on Thursday showed that the rock had not moved. -> Doctors have warned police not to give the suspect any special laxatives -> because that might force the diamond against the intestine and cause -> serious damage. Doctors said it was OK to feed the guy, though. DAMN THOSE DOCTORS NOT ALLOWING US TO STARVE STUPID CROOKS TO DEATH! -> Other police sources said the suspect has made a statement--not a full -> confession, but a little small talk--and they're investigating. -> -> But what can they really investigate until they get that $40,000 diamond? -> -> They could wait for the evidence to appear. But they have to charge him -> soon, so police took the initiative. Like not throwing out the X-rays? -> They ordered up some scrumptious White Castles. And the officer with the -> terrible job started feeding the suspect the sliders. So, these doctors didn't have degrees in nutrition. -> "Just regular sliders, onions, with everything, no cheese," said a cop. -> "The feeling was that a bag of sliders will do the job. We're hoping." I thought so once, too. But I think my system has become acclimated to White Castles and they no longer have any significant effect. Incidentally, "with everything, no cheese" on a White Castle burger means a plain burger with dried onion flakes. (Some areas also add a paper-thin pickle slice that completely dominates the flavor of the burger, and others add a nearly-transparent pink ketchup that tastes like Hawaiian Punch. I don't know which, if either, of those luxurious toppings grace the Chicago version of the Slyder.) I had four of the frozen ones today. I think I microwaved them too long. They weren't squishy enough. -> The White Castle folks sell their product with the slogan "What You -> Crave." And there are many craving-related subjects on their Web site, -> including the "Craver's Hall of Fame," in which this suspect should be -> enshrined once he is charged. -> -> But what if sliders don't work? Then what? -> -> "Red beans and rice from Popeye's, and spicy chicken," said my friend -> George. -> -> "What about some bean soup, that Greek bean soup?" said another -> detective-chef, referring to the delicious fassolatha served