From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The maze that will solve ALL world problems! Date: Fri, 09 May 2003 01:01:45 -0400 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The idea that instead of punishing bullies we should just have all the > > kids play in a giant Maze Of Tolerance is a very "Davey & Goliath" way > > of dealing with the issue: "Davey, he's only bullying you because > > he's lonely and doesn't have any friends. If you agree to be his > > friend, he'll stop beating you up!" Shyeah right. > > Actually, a look at the Web site of the people promulgating this > recess-defunning concept -- http://www.peacefulplaygrounds.com/ -- > seems to indicate it's largely an excuse to sell stencils for painting > things on the pavement: > > http://www.peacefulplaygrounds.com/stencils.htm Oh. Well, that's worse. Now instaled of the bullies extorting money from the wimps, now the stencil companies of the world are tricking schools of the world into spending money on stencils instead of on the kids' education. > Wow! The way those numbers and letters managed to be square and curvy > at the same time is vastly reducing the amount of spare energy and > unchecked aggression that fills my seven-year-old self! I have to guess what they look like, because I'm in a subway tunnel now and there doesn't seem to be any Internet here. Also, I'm sitting directly across from a guy who is staring at me while angrily muttering "STUPID! STUPID!" to himself, although I don't know whether he means me or him. I think this is where I change trains. Okay, now I'm in a place that has no Internet but also no "STUPID! STUPID!" so now I can concentrate on imagining the square, curvy letters. They could be rectangles with rounded corners... or obrounds (rectangles with semicircular caps on two sides)... or superellipses (the shape of TV screens)... or maybe just each letter is a pentagon with a blob growing out of one side. The possibilities are endless! For some reason, pavement stencils are never shaped like actual fonts. They're always these strange sub-typewriter-quality monospaced block letters. Why do they have to be monospaced? Small stencils are available shaped like actual printing fonts (Franklin Gothic, etc.) but big ones tend to be these blocking things (which are harder to read because all the letters are essentially the same shape -- rectangles.) > I can see that in a few years the net result of Peaceful Playgrounds > will be a bunch more of those mysterious playground-pavement markings > that are never used for anything, kind of like the ones at my elementary > school. TOYNBEE IDEAS IN KUBRICK'S "2001" RESURRECT DEAD IN SCHOOL PLAYGROUND > We knew how to use the little hopscotch courts, but lord only > knows what the series of rectangles going down the sidewalk, turning > around and coming back again, was supposed to be for. They show you how to get to the *N*E*W* supermarket which is somewhere inside Lord & Laylor's "misses" department. > And I've sometimes wondered if one of the tests for becoming a gym > teacher is that you have to be able to identify what every one of the > random colored lines all over the basketball courts is supposed to be for. I think what they do is just ask the guy "How many bases are on a baseball diamond?" and then no matter what he says, they try to start an argument about whether there are three or four bases and if the guy backs down he doesn't like sports enough to be put in custody of six-year-olds. Also he has to know which beer is the official sponsor of each sports league. > Another nice thing on that stencil page is the colorful map of the > continental U.S., on which they were careful not to mark down the > names of any of the states, either because the giant block letters > were too big to fit or because they didn't want to hurt Little Johnny > and Little Susie's self-esteem by enforcing a rigorous phallocentric > heterodoxy under which only one person's opinion about which state is > represented by which outline is the correct one, thereby oppressing > people who subscribe to other ways of knowing by crushing their > dissent and removing their First Amendment rights by dictatorial fiat. > Who are you to say Texas can't *be* Michigan, or South Carolina can't > *be* Uruguay, or Alaska and Hawaii aren't actually part of the Lower > 48, just because some dead Eurocentric males drew some lines > somewhere? Free your mind, man! They should also make all the states equal in area, like in the maps in "The State Of The World Atlas". Plus it would make them match the blocky stencil lettering once they all became dented rectangles. -- K. Plus I start too many sentences with "plus". Minus I have a grammar problem. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The maze that will solve ALL world problems! Date: Fri, 09 May 2003 02:19:29 -0400 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > Actually, a look at the Web site of the people promulgating this > recess-defunning concept -- http://www.peacefulplaygrounds.com/ -- > seems to indicate it's largely an excuse to sell stencils for painting > things on the pavement: > > http://www.peacefulplaygrounds.com/stencils.htm > > Wow! The way those numbers and letters managed to be square and curvy > at the same time is vastly reducing the amount of spare energy and > unchecked aggression that fills my seven-year-old self! Okay, I'm not on the subway any more, so I went and looked at that Web page. Joe, they trolled you! Those are the most obviously fake stencils I've ever seen! Not only are they made out of granite with bevelled edges, but the little triangle at the center of "A" is magically suspended by an invisible force field! Whoever drew those FAAAAAAAKE stencils didn't have the first clue what stencils look like. But they sure got you good! HEY EVERYBODY JOE GOT TROLLED BY A STENCIL COMPANY! Another way you can tell that the stencil pictures are fake is that they show letters in ITC Bolt Bold (a real font), whereas real stencils just use fake fonts (and the photos on the site, showing a referee applying stencils to pavement, do indeed show garden-variety block-letter stencils just like the brown cardboard ones you can get at OfficeMax. The kind that have pieces which can't levitate in the middle of holes.) My guess is that the Web site couldn't be bothered to take photos of the stencils so they just threw together those fakes and slapped a font into a rectangle, applied the "Emboss" effect, and gave up. (Someone seems to have gotten a discount on a Bitstream font pack, the one containing Bolt Bold and Ondine.) ITC Bolt Bold is best known as the font that Vulcans spoke in during "Star Trek: The Motion Picture", until the recent director's cut of the film changed the subtitles to a less illegible font. Bolt Bold dates from the early 1970s. Once I saw a phototype catalog from either 1972 or 1976 which showed two custom-designed fonts made exclusively for use at the Democratic and Republican national conventions -- the fonts were named "Democratic Party" and "Republican Party" and both looked exactly like Bolt Bold. I have no idea if that was the phototype company's attempt at political satire in font-catalog form, or just a reflection of the sad curvy blockiness of the 1970s. The two major political parties no longer use these fonts, because it was so hard for them to stencil the fonts while suspending the little triangles inside the "A"s telekinetically. -- K. BLOCKY CURVES FLOATY MIDDLE STUPID LETTER ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The maze that will solve ALL world problems! Date: Fri, 09 May 2003 01:27:07 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So you're saying dodgeball would be fun if it didn't have any rules > > and the bad kids could hit you with baseball bats if they wanted to? > > If, when I was a kid, dodgeball hadn't had any rules, I would have > made use of the non-rule that says "Any player who wishes not to be a > player can leave the gym and go to the library and read or something." > > Of course, the other kids would have made use of the non-rule that > says "If you want to pound that dorky Holmes kid with a baseball bat, > the library is not out of bounds." > > As it was, dodgeball had rules, and our gym teacher kept making up new > rules to try to limit misbehavior and wildness like "If you fall over, > you're out", which I thought was a great rule because after that I > would intentionally fall over. And that is why you can never be in the NHL. The next time the L.A. Times and The Hockey News publish a joint edition shamefully listing the names of all the "johns" and "divers" mixed together on the front page, you're going to get a lot of phone calls asking which you are, and you'll have to explain that you're just one of the two. Either that or just change your name to "Rich Cousteau" to make it obvious. And if you do go find a prostitute, wear a wetsuit. Me, when I played dodgeball, I'd just hide behind something. And then at the end it would just be me and a couple of other weaklings on the opposite side, and the final part of the game would last for hours. But once I did get to bean someone really good when he decided to tie his shoe at center court in the middle of the game. I couldn't have used your strategy because I kept getting kicked out of the library, but that's another story. I think having to deal with irate librarians is a better way to toughen up your character than getting hit in the face with a rubber ball. Matter of fact, almost anything is a better way to build character than just getting hit with projectiles. Like, in baseball, it's supposed to be wrong to try to throw the ball directly at the batter, even though he's armed with a bat and wearing a hard helmet. Why is the point of dodgeball to throw things and unprotected people? Dodgeball might become fun if you were allowed to wear a Redman suit while playing it. Matter of fact, almost anything is more fun while you're wearing a Redman suit. -- K. After all, they must be cool and trendy if Andy Dick has one. His was blue, though. I'd want the original red one. And cleats, too. Gotta have cleats. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The maze that will solve ALL world problems! Date: Sun, 11 May 2003 19:34:34 -0400 Gregory King (greg@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > I think part of the reason I liked dodgeball is that my gym class didn't > own any standard inflatable rubber playground balls, so we always played > dodgeball with volleyballs. Although volleyballs are still pretty hard, > even when they are old and abused like the ones we used, they do have a > relatively low terminal velocity, so it's hard to throw it hard enough to > be undodgeable, and if you do get hit, it doesn't hurt so much, unless > you're like my friend Matt and your strategy is to put your face directly > in the trajectory of the ball and hope that your glasses protect you from > injury. Nowadays they're supposed to use softer (under-inflated) rubber balls with cloth covers to make them not hurt. Such a thing was unheard-of when I was a kid. Anyone of my generation lives in perpetual fear of those balls. Just go into any sporting-goods store, find a properly over-inflated playground ball (the kind with the nasty texture), bounce it on the store, and watch all the thirty-somethings cringe out of pure reflex. That sound strikes fear into the hearts of all those my age. It's a sort of "SMACK!" coupled with the sound of the deadly ball ringing like a bell to get "SPANGGGGG!" Really, try the experiment. Men's neck muscles will tighten up more than if they heard a gunshot. I imagine the cloth wrapper on the newer, softer balls may indeed reduce the size of the bruises you get on your forehead, but I doubt it would eliminate the horror of seeing the bigger kids hurling large objects directly at your face. BURLAP PELOTA JACKET CANNOT REDUCE OUCHIE > We also had the rule that catching the ball resurrected everyone who was > out on your side. This means that letting wimpy kids like me throw the > ball could have disastrous consequences, but it also led to a new ruse > for getting people out. If you lobbed a ball at someone in a high arc, > they would probably concentrate on catching it and not notice someone > else hurling a ball right at them. HA HA SUCKER!! It resurrected _everyone_? Geez, that would make the game go on forever. I suppose that was the point. The gym teacher could go phone in his football wagers while the kids did "Throw ball, get hit, repeat until bell rings." That rule would ruin any real sport (imagine if the baseball score reset to zero every time someone caught a ball) so it would _really_ ruin a fake sport like dodgeball, ringuette, or "Magic: The Gathering". > Oh, and I also never hated gym teachers when I was a kid. I think this > is because: > 1. I knew it wasn't their fault that I was fat and slow. No, but it was their fault the kids on the football team got a free lifetime supply of steroids -- the better to pound you with! > 2. They seemed to put a reasonable amount of energy into making sure > that the fat and slow kids only got picked on a little. > 3. I was too busy hating the MEEN kids who were good at sports. > 4. No one told me that hating gym teachers was fun. It's not fun, it's just the way it is, like the way you have dreams about going to school in your underwear even though it never actually happens. Two-thirds of boys spend all of fourth grade drawing pictures of tanks running over the heads of gym teachers who have been decapitated by ninjas that will be their friend, and the other third are the the kids who fantasize about beating up ninjas. I wasn't really in either group -- I fantasized about the two groups of kids beating each other to death so that I could be the class's sole survivor and inherit 30 times 128 crayons to become the Crayola King Of Schenectady. Assuming they didn't all have the _same_ 128 colors. -- K. SOMANY CRAYON COLORS INDESK STATUS SYMBOL ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The maze that will solve ALL world problems! Date: Mon, 12 May 2003 23:11:05 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > I never hated my elementary school gym teacher, Mr. Bogus (I don't > know if that's how it was spelled, but that's how it was pronounced). > Disliked, yes, perhaps even despised at times, but mostly he was just > doing his job which was to make me, personally, miserable. And then they made a movie about Mr. Bogus, and it made EVERYONE miserable! Especially when "Mr. Bogus" was shown in a double feature with "Drop Dead Fred" on the same screen at the same time! While the audience was pelted with dodgeballs! > And I don't even remember most of my junior and senior high gym teachers, > so I must not have hated them much, except the one I had in ninth grade. > He was the wrestling coach and his curriculum was: > > Week 1: Basketball, touch football > Weeks 2-37: Wrestling > Week 38: Baseball, volleyball > > And his philosophy of teaching wrestling to ninth graders was: find > the nerdiest kid in class, find the nastiest, wiriest, strongest, > meanest kid in the same class who weighs about the same, and pair them > off for weeks 2-37. > > When nerdy kid complains during weeks 3-37 that the other kid is > regularly beating the shit out of him, point out that they weigh about > the same and therefore are evenly matched and so nothing needs to be > done. > > I hated that guy. We never had to wrestle much, except that in elementary school there was way too much John Malkovich-style Indian leg wrestling. Incidentally, why does that bizarre non-sport get blamed on the Indians, and are they the Native American ones or the ones with the curry? > Karma didn't arrive until 12th grade, when instead of sticking all > boys in one gym class called "Phys Ed" and all girls in another gym > class called "Phys Ed", they had multiple phys ed subjects like > basketball, aerobics, yoga, etc., and you could sign up for what you > wanted, and some of those classes were COED and one of the ones I took > even had this HOT FEMALE BLONDE for a teacher. The whole scheme broke > all the rules of gym that have existed since time immemorial and the > school imploded into a black hole and we all died the enb. We got a choice of bowling or swimming. And then the second half of the semester, we had to do the other one. I think the bowling was only in there because the school was getting kickbacks from the bowling alley to brainwash us into loving bowling by exposing us to mandatory bowling. Didn't work. I really liked bowling before the class, but now I'm not so thrilled. The joy of bowling is lost when your gym teacher makes you do it. HOBSON CHOICE BOWLOR SUFFER TENPIN RUINED It's no fun to bowl in front of a guy who's grading you. Sometime I need to march into that old school and demand to see my permanent record to find out what my bowling scores were. I suspect the reason I didn't become valedictorian was that I threw a few gutter balls. Also they kept trying to teach square dancing in elementary school and -- ack -- ballroom dancing in high school. Even if an opportunity were to arise where I would need to know the fox trot today, I wouldn't be able to remember how it went twenty years ago. I think it was something involving trotting. -- K. Also it was a lot like ringuette, only without the ring. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The maze that will solve ALL world problems! Date: Thu, 15 May 2003 03:33:35 -0400 > talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > > > there was also a "let's take kids out to a mobile laboratory from the > > U of Urbana with big satellite antennas on top and make them > > manipulate a ball bearing through a maze" day, but that only happened > > once, and only me and a couple other kids got to do that, and I have > > no idea what that was all about. Testing you for telekinetic powers. Of course, we already know you aren't precognitive because you didn't announce that I was going to say that before I said it. So that makes _two_ things you're not good at! Although it's possible that instead of sucking at telekinesis you were able to move the marble with your mind but terrible at doing simple mazes, but that would still make two things, what with your nonprecognition. I bet if I flipped a coin a hundred times and you called "heads" or "tails", you'd be wrong 100% of the time! Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > Hey, one of the spacerriffic things we did at Space Camp involved > using a pencil to complete a simple maze on paper, except it was > situated in such a way that we couldn't actually see the maze directly > but could only look at it in an angled overhead mirror. This would > have made an excellent additional sport for high-school gym class, > particularly given that I wasn't very good at Mirrored Outer-Space > Maze-Doin' either. This whole area of "make kids do things backwards so that they'll all become ambidextrous" shows up in lots of places when you enter the world of avant-garde teaching. I remember some plastic toy sold to schools with a workbook -- it was a pane of translucent red plastic named "Miro", and the point is that you would set it up next to something and trace the reflection with your hand on the other side of the red thing. I'm really not sure what that accomplished. And then in a later grade the art teacher read "Drawing On The Left Side Of The Brain" and had us copy pictures that were turned upside down, which was actually a useful technique for people like graphic designers (turning a picture upside down forces you to treat it as a series of abstract shapes and shifts around all the optical illusions normally introduced by your brain, so you can concentrate on spotting asymmetry or lumps. When drawwing lettering, I often turn things upside down -- but only after drawing them -- because that's the easiest way to discover defects that my brain would otherwise ignore.) > Speaking of which, sometimes I wonder whether the only reason gym > class ever involved softball or baseball games was so the other kids > could signal their opinion of your athletic prowess by how far out in > the outfield they stood when you came up to bat. They let you go up to bat? Wow. You're a total jock. > You can add me to the list of Kibologists who had to do the run-under- > the-parachute thing in gym class. Apparently running under a > parachute was the Peaceful Playgrounds of the Cold War era, except > created by a military-surplus distributor rather than by somebody > trying to sell stencils. I'm just upset that the cafeteria didn't serve food as good as K-rations. And now I'm sad that I'll never know precisely what K-rations and C-rations taste like, because the local surplus stores just have MREs, most of which are less than five years old. (K-rations and C-rations were eliminated long ago.) > [...] we barely coordinated kids got to spend our time doing easier > things such as the crab walk and the Roly-Poly. The Roly-Poly might > have gone by other names in other jurisdictions; it was this thing > where you'd lay on your back and then hold your legs apart up in the air > and start rolling around that way, My precognitive abilities are telling me what Dave DeLaney is about to say. Unless he's already said it, in which case my precognitive abilities are doubly useful because they work on both the future and the past! > which would cause you to sort of flop around like a four-sided > Dungeons & Dragons die. I have no idea what this is supposed to accomplish, other than keeping the kids busy while the gym teacher's assistant helps Joe Friday search all their lockers for dirty joke books which he will then burn in the middle of the cafeteria while standing on a table yelling at the kids about how they've ruined their minds forever with those toxic dirty jokes. -- K. FRIDAY SWIPES ALLTHE EIGHTH GRADER HAZMAT ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The maze that will solve ALL world problems! Date: Tue, 13 May 2003 23:29:44 -0400 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > I'll always have fond memories of our elementary school "sports day", > which was the day each year when we got to spend the entire day > outside engaging in quasi-athletic activities. My favorite example > was Single-Pin Bowling On The Asphalt Basketball Court, which tended > to be followed up with Attempting To Toss A Softball Into An Old Tire > Hanging On The High Fence Around The Asphalt Basketball Court. I'm jealous. You got to grow up in Mayberry and I grew up in Schenectady, which doesn't even have a sitcom based on it. > There were a couple of unfortunate examples of actual athletic activities > we had to engage in during "sports day", such as relay races, but I have > mostly blocked those out of my memory in favor of the much fonder > memory of being rewarded with lots of those cheap customized plastic > ribbons such as you can find in the big barrel o' cheap customized > plastic ribbons at the Boston Children's Museum. This is because everyone's a winner! At least when they're children. It's around age 10 or so when they stop lying and admit that only two or three people in the school are good at sports. I notice those of us reminiscing about the unpleasantness of school gym classes are old enough that we didn't have to experience many of the "non-competitive" games they stress these days -- I did have to play one of the stupid run-under-the-Vietnam-surplus-parachute ones once, but for the most part I was only exposed to games designed to teach you that "sports" was synonymous with "trying to hurt people." > [...] But then, I managed to avoid taking gym class during my last > three years of high school (which was barely enough to make up for > the brutal punishment of having gym class for first period every day > in freshman year) My school scheduled all the gym periods either right before or right after lunch. Which leads to the dilemma: Would you rather not want to eat because you just got socked in the stomach, or would you rather eat a hearty lunch and then get socked in the stomach? > [...] It couldn't have been any less athletically enlightening > than that thing we did one day during a touch-football lesson, where > we were supposed to run toward the gym teacher and then he'd give us a > little nudge to the side and we would make a quick turn and run off in > the direction he pushed us in, but it didn't work for me, as I just > fell over immediately when he gave me the little nudge. Again, you'll never be in the NHL, even if, as I said last week, you might be a diver and not a john. Punching someone in the face, that gets a little penalty. Shoving someone, that's fine. But falling down easily when someone gently nudges you, that makes the NHL very upset. -- K. LEAGUE ORDERS MURDER OFEASY DIVING MANFRE ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The maze that will solve ALL world problems! Date: Mon, 12 May 2003 22:55:26 -0400 Andrew Pearson (apearson@pt.lu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I wasn't really in either group -- I fantasized about the two groups > > of kids beating each other to death so that I could be the class's > > sole survivor and inherit 30 times 128 crayons to become the > > Crayola King Of Schenectady. Assuming they didn't all have the _same_ > > 128 colors. > > I say, Kibo old chap? Wouldn't that be pointless given that no living > person would survive to appreciate your greatness? Or where you planning > to arrange the corpses of your erstwhile classmates around the edge of > the room? Perhaps you could have coloured them in with magic markers > first, then arranged them into a rainbow. > > I ask only out of fear. What are you, yellow with fear? No, you can't be, I took your yellow. I bet that makes you green with envy! Except I already have your green. You can be blue about that. Or rather, you could if I didn't already own your blue. I think you still have fuschia. > Is your new secret project to troll all of usenet into killing each > other in an almighty fistfight so that you can inherit all the detritus > and sit as undisputed king atop a great heap of rickety old computers, > StarTrek action figures with suckable candy protusions, Pez dispensers > and long sentences lightly scattered with commas? A "Star Trek" action figure you could lick? Hmm. I hate to think what the top of Picard's head would taste like after a long day yelling at Wesley for saving the ship without his permission. -- K. BALDIE PICARD TOSSES WESLEY OUTTHE WINDOW ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The maze that will solve ALL world problems! Date: Sat, 10 May 2003 00:52:25 -0400 Xaonon (xaonon@hotpop.com) wrote: > > I liked dodgeball, but I was too good at dodging and not good enough at > throwing. Half of the games would end with me on one side and about ten of > the other team on the other side, and I would regret not having telekinetic > powers with which to throw all the balls at them at once, because there's no > way to hit someone who's *expecting* to be hit. At most you can aim at one > guy and throw it at another, but faking them out only works the first time. I think that was the first draft of the screenplay for Chevy Chase's "Modern Problems" -- he was going to just use his telekinetic powers to win The World Dodgeball Championship so that the dodgeball team could save the orphanage run by The Nuns Who Like Dodgeball, but then they changed it to just have him using his telekinetic powers to make a ballet dancer's testicles explode for no reason, because that's the sort of guy Chevy Chase is in that movie. Also they didn't want the movie to be crushed by that other movie coming out the same weekend about the big dodgeball championship, but they also changed their plot and made Stallone a boxer instead of a dodgeball player. This means that there are no movies about dodgeball championships or telekinetic dodgeball cheating, although there's still a chance they could make a sequel to "Flubber" where Robin Williams sprays Wil Wheaton with magic dodgeball-playing juice that makes the game take a turn for the spaztacular. ("Flubber" is one of those movies where, while watching it, I simply decided I waswatching a completely different movie. In my brain, the movie became "Flubberella", with a young Jane Fonda flying through outer space in a translucent green rubber catsuit. But the mood was spoiled because she kept yelling "Shazbot!") Anyway, Xaonon (whose name is strikingly similar to a "Doctor Who" character except spelled funny), my own personal offensive strategy for playing dodgeball was similar to yours except without the over-thinking. I would look directly at the person I was trying to throw the ball at and then just throw the ball at someone else because it's hard to aim when the bigger kids are about to throw rock-hard overinflated rubber balls at your face from two feet away. I think once I accidentally hit one of The Nuns Who Like Dodgeball. That may be a lie. In my entire life, I may have never been near a _real_ nun. -- K. SPAZZO DOOFUS THROWS RUBBER SPHERE BRUISE ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Humor, includes WebTV Date: Fri, 09 May 2003 01:32:29 -0400 Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > > > [...] > > I think it's just a coincidence that Ms. Classical Beauty of America's > > name is Ashlee Bullock. Maybe her name should be Ashlee Heifer? > > Jesus. That's as bad as David Carson on alt.obits; he claims to be a > great Christian but most of the time expounds upon how ugly a lot of women > at Wal-Mart are. I sometimes forget how charming you can be. Yeah, Beable Dot Com Dot Invalid, if that _is_ your real name, open your eyes and you'll see that _everyone_ at Wal-Mart is repulsive! I think Wal-Mart is full of the same people who used to use the restrooms at the Wendy's on 7th Avenue before they closed it. And if you want to see real Walter-Reed-museum-quality deformities? Trader Joe's in the frozen food aisle. I don't mean the shoppers, I mean the things in the rice bowls. Some of those lumps are shapes so weird that not even topologists can bear to look at them. Of course, Trader Joe himself never saw anything wrong with these amorphous yet stringy blobs of indestructible meat, because his head was shaped like the middle stage of that diagram of how to turn a sphere inside-out through the fourth dimension, with a wad of bubble gum stuck to one of the blebs. -- K. P.S. We seem to have wandered away from the original topic, which was, does WebTV make people fat, or is it the other way around? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Humor, includes WebTV Date: Fri, 09 May 2003 23:06:12 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And if you want to see real Walter-Reed-museum-quality deformities? > > Trader Joe's in the frozen food aisle. I don't mean the shoppers, > > I mean the things in the rice bowls. Some of those lumps are shapes > > so weird that not even topologists can bear to look at them. > > WELL! I found a statue of The Virgin Mary that looks like a POTATO! > What do you think THAT means? It depends on whether slicing it up would yield communion wafers or potato chips. Or something halfway between the two, like those "vegetable chips" Trader Joe's makes from some weird vegetables that have less flavor than potatoes. -- K. VIRGIN POTATO GRANTS WISHES ONLYTO LOSERS ^ slice here (for nutrition purposes, this article counts as 2 servings) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More soda sensations Date: Fri, 09 May 2003 01:42:40 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (spog@jwgh.org) wrote: > > Today's selection is 'non-alcoholic sangria SENORIAL Natural and > Artifical Flavor Sangria Flavored Carbonated Beverage'. I've had that. It's not bad. It actually has somewhat of a cheap-red- wine-sediment flavor, not Kool-Aidy at all. I managed to get a slight buzz off it, so I think it may contain a small quantity of actual wine, possibly on the order of 2 proof. (That's legally considered "non-alcoholic", even if it has more active ingredients than the average dose of cootie spray.) I don't drink, and I'm really skinny, so it doesn't take much to make my brain get all buzzy. > Before even opening it, there were several things I liked about this one: > > * It's made from both natural AND artificial Sangria! > > * The bottle is sort of shaped like a little wine bottle, instead of the > soda bottle-shaped soda bottles you usually see! Quite sophisticated. > The use of lower-case letters emphasizes that this is not one of your > STUPID BABYISH SODA-POPS FOR KIDS. > > * It doesn't have a twist-off cap, so you know that the beverage maker > was focused so much on making it a great soda that they couldn't be > bothered with fripperies like making it easy to open! I've only seen it here in plastic soda bottles with twist caps. They sell it at the local drugstore, right next to that revolting tamarind-flavored brown drink and the even more revolting V-8 carrot-and-pineapple-juice-like-substitute-blended-from-concentrate- pink-slime-in-a-bottle. (But when it comes to awful V-8 products, Canada is king, because they have a new one called "V-Go", which is something like regular V-8 with green peppers and a bunch of corn syrup in it.) > The first thing I noticed upon opening the bottle is that the stuff is > really fizzy. It's even fizzier than Dr Pepper, which is so fizzy that > they have to put a warning label on it explaining that the bottle could > explode at any moment, killing you and everyone you care about, so be > careful for gosh sakes! However, I have a mop at hand for just such > soda-related disasters, so I was able to clean up with a minimum of fuss > and effort. If you enjoy that effect, you should try the one-liter plastic Polar sodas. I don't know how they manage to do it, but whenever you open one of those, you get a super-dee-duper geyser squirting out from under the cap in all directions, and possibly also into the fourth dimension, because the jets are so powerful that they can go through anything, even stuff that hasn't yet been discovered. I think they pressurize all the bottles with a bicycle pump or something. > Next, on to the smell. It smells quite grapey. Now, to decant into a > handy pint glass ... hm, that's a nice dark red color, enough to make me > wonder if it actually smells like cherries. Another whiff confirms that > I was right the first time and it is in fact more grapelike. Must be > the FD&C red #40. > > Now for the taste. Quite nice! The grape soda taste is there, but it > has a slight tang of something alcoholic that makes it more interesting > and tasty (even though I don't as a rule like alcoholic beverages). The > aftertaste reminds me of eating those little grape-flavored hard candies > that come in small round tins. My guess is that it's grape-flavored soda with some wine-barrel-bottom sediment stirred in. Now, if you want something scary, I can go over to Chinatown and get you one of the jars of fire-engine-red lumpy "Fermented Sediment". It's apparently rice that's been subjected to the same process used to make other kinds of rancid slime, plus nuclear-strength red dye to keep you from finding out what color it _really_ is. For added fun, you could get a copy of The Sausage Maker catalog and order a big sack of Fermento, and sprinkle Fermento on everything you eat from now on. Also get some natural casings and stuff everything you eat into one before you eat it. It's kind of hard to get a whole soft pretzel into a hog middle, but it's the only way you can incorporate pretzels into an all-sausage diet. Fermento! Ask for it by name! And hog middles! Ask for them by odor! -- K. I see from my records that it was August 18, 2001, when I got lightly buzzed off the non-alcoholic sangria, and this is what I learned: "Never attempt to drink a bottle of sangria and typeset Chinese at the same time." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: More soda sensations Date: Fri, 16 May 2003 23:51:19 -0400 Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > "Beable van Polasm" (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com): > > > > > > I don't drink, and I'm really skinny, so it doesn't take much to > > > make my brain get all buzzy. > > > > EAT, Kibo! Why won't you EAT SOMETHING?! Why are you trying to KILL > > Tamara's mother? EAT! You so SKINNY! > > I am a bad person. My mom made some (non-perishable) treats for Kibo the > other month and I have not yet sent them off to him. She, too, thought he > was too skinny. Handsome, but skinny. > > Would everybody PLEASE just eat *something* to get her off of our backs?? Today I ate three breaded "veal" patties (you know, those oval fried ones that used to be 10% veal and 90% beef hearts, but now they don't even contain beef hearts, nowadays they're beige inside) and two tubes of stupid Hershey's Portable Pudding and oh yeah a bottle of iced tea and half a tube of Spree (they're the same as SweeTarts except without the missing letter, and slightly chewy.) But the night's still young. Lately I've been living off a combination of tacos and chicken nuggets with sour-cream-based ranch-style sauce for dipping. And where the hell is that stewed peacock you people promised me? -- K. I need to lose more weight, I'm going to play the lead role in the Broadway hit "The Terror Of Tommy Tune." It'll just be me and a bunch of wacky midgets. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: important shatner news! Date: Fri, 09 May 2003 01:50:44 -0400 Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I still don't believe that news story about Microsoft introducing > > an "iLoo" public toilet in England. I mean, who would want to use > > a keyboard that someone had been typing on while pooping? And > > worse, who would want to use a toilet a nerd had been sitting on? > > I think they took a page from 7up's experimental cousin "dnL" and > created a product whose logo is intentionally upside-down. > > The toilet is really "007!" When you get in and sit down, Pierce > Brosnan reminds you to buckle your safety belt! Or whatever it is they > call them over there. They don't call them anything. They call them something which rhymes with what they would call them if they actually called them something. So, for instance, if the Brits wanted to call safety restraints "shouldergirdles", they'd never call them that, they'd say "older turtles". But it wouldn't be confusing because turtles would be called something else, and all the other nouns would play musical chairs, and only the least popular word would fall out of the dictionary, and it would probably just be something with one of those "ae" ligatures they still use in Aengland. The Romans would call a shoulder belt a "scapulare" and the barbarians would say "baldric". Me, I just think of the car plus shoulder belt as "a purse you sit inside". I suspect the iLoo doesn't really have a seat belt, unless people tend to fall off the toilet when they stumble across a particularly salacious Web page. Also, KITT had a "laser restraint system" that could hold you in your seat with not just a laser, but a magic laser. But KITT didn't have a computer you could actually use, so I don't know why he needed a laser restraint system. -- K. LINKED TOILET CAUSES STINKY SPAMMY EMAILS ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: serving food to kids and other captives Date: Fri, 09 May 2003 03:12:00 -0400 talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > I wanted to find some more pleasing pictures of school lunches > for kibo, so I've been snooping around a bit, but apparently > school cafeterias don't put up web pages that use the keywords > "bad spoiled rotten yuck". I did find this interesting page: > > http://www.ext.vt.edu/pubs/preschoolnutr/348-653/348-653.html > > this is some sort of directions on how to teach preschool kids > about bad food, apparently so they will be easier to handle > in gradeschool cafeterias. [...] > > -> Germs are both good and bad. Some good germs live > -> in the gastrointestinal tract of the body to help > -> make vitamins. > > some germs are, apparently, tiny shoe-making elves, except that > they make vitamins instead of shoes. with tiny hammers. also, > some good germs that make vitamins accidentally make a bubbling > potion instead, then they drink it and turn into mister hyde. > > I think "gastrointestinal tract" is not quite the kind of word > that 2-6 year olds are going to understand. Yeah. They should have just said "the big funny Slip'N'Slide water flume ride that goes from your mouth to your pooper!" > -> Good germs are also used to make some foods, such > -> as pickles. > > mmmm. pickled paramecium! Wait, wait. Which are they calling a germ, the cucumber or the vinegar? > -> Bad germs that make you sick are carried by > -> dirt. Some bad germs eat sugar and decay > -> teeth. > > would these be *pickled* decay teeth, or just the ordinary brand > of decay teeth? why do germs eat decay teeth if they have no teeth > to chew the teeth with? Also, why should anyone eat wheat germ? > -> Most germs need food, moisture, and warm > -> temperatures to grow. Animal protein foods (milk, > -> meat, fish, poultry, eggs) provide food and > -> moisture for harmful bacteria to grow at warm > -> temperatures in the danger zone from 40¡-160¡F > -> (4¡-71¡C). > > oh, yeah, kid... you aren't allowed to graduate from preschool > until you memorize the fnarrenheit AND centipede degree range > of the danger zone. I think the kids are still hung up on the word "protein", unless the teacher stopped to explain that "protein" is the stuff that's not in the school's tater tots. > [...] > > I also like the breakdown of activities for each age group. the > three-year-olds get to look at dirt, which can be fun, and also > get to hear "Betty Bacterium Bugs The Baby" during storytime. if > you're four, you get to "make a germ squirm". and *this* list > is great! > > -> * How do salad bar sneeze guards protect food > -> from grownups? from children? The secret reason children never infect salad bars is that kids hate salad, even in bar form. > -> * How do waiters/wiatresses in restaurants keep > -> hands clean? By peeing on them in the restroom. > -> * Who should wear plastic gloves? Acrobats who do handstands in the gym's shower. > -> * When are plastic gloves no longer safe? After they've touched your hands. > -> * When is licking fingers safe? Not when you've been handling bacon and there's a cat nearby. I think cats' tongues are made out of emery. KITTYS JAGGED TONGUE CAUSES FINGER OUCHIE > -> * What do workers wear at fast food restaurants > -> to keep hair out of food? (hats/hairnets) Although the word "wiatresses" is very nice, I prefer this lesson: -> Never taste a food that looks (moldy, bruised, wilted, dirty), -> smells (putrid, sickening), or feels (slimy, dry) funny. Blue cheese meets all three qualifications. It says right here in print that blue cheese is bad because it looks moldy, smells sickening, and feels slimy! Hooray! At last I have proved that it is all you people who like cheese who are wrong! -- K -- POTATO TOTLET RANCID TATERS CRISPY JACKET DONATE DIZEEZ FROZEN CENTER TOKIDS LIVERS ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: fpcg version 2.0 Date: Fri, 09 May 2003 03:23:49 -0400 Conmidhe (ark.15.conmidhe@spamgourmet.com) wrote: > > Today I went and bought the chili plants for this years front porch > chili garden. 6 of them in all. 1 habanero, 2 red chili (that's > southernese for cayenne), and 3 cowhorn chili (jumbo cayenne). What? No anaheim? No poblano? Only one habanero? C'mon, you gotta at least have a whole bunch of habaneros if you want to make something strong enough to beat the watery hot sauce they sell at the supermarket. If you don't plant an adequate amount of habaneros you may wind up with only enough spice to make the sort of "hot sauce" that comes in packets with Wendy's chili (the packets contain 50% borscht, 50% maple syrup, and the remainder is spice.) > the fpcg v2.0 is now in place and should do well if all these tornados > will go around my porch....and hopefully the rest of the house as > well. I doubt your six chili plants are strong enough to keep it away. You need the kind that come in a tin can with a screw top and a picture of a bomb falling on Vietnam on the side. -- K. PEPPER GARDEN CAUSES STORMS LITTLE BOTHER ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: fpcg version 2.0 Date: Fri, 09 May 2003 14:15:35 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > What? No anaheim? No poblano? Only one habanero? > > I made the mistake of making a quart of salsa with only one big poblano > and one medium jalape–o because they smelled so nice and fresh they > fooled me into thinking they'd be plenty. It was still hot enough that > people only ate a tiny bit of it, leaving it all for me afterward, Yay! Your plan worked! The thing about spicy food is that some people like their food to contain less than one-millionth the capsaicin concentration that other people like. It's a pretty amazing differential. I like my food to be pretty hot (but not so hot as to keep me from eating large quantities) but bear in mind that I have more taste buds than you and thus the amount I consider to be pleasantly painful might not be as bad for you. Unless I've already killed off all my extra taste buds in the name of equality. > but then I never got around to buying any serranos to season it properly > before I finished eating it. The funny thing was, even though I went to > the grocery store where all the Mexicans in Newburgh go to buy all their > wacky root vegetables, the cashier had no idea what tomatillos were, and > one woman had even come up to me while I was picking them out to ask me > how you eat them. Whenever you go to an ethnic grocery store and buy something that freaks out the cashier -- like the time I bought the pair of giant frozen frogs in Chinatown -- that means either you've broadened your horizons a whole lot, or else they're trying to warn you that nobody, and I mean nobody, would want a frog that's been in the freezer than long. > I saw the most incredible white-trash hair creations at that store, but > even the most intricate combovers were eclipsed by this one woman's hair > all pulled up, sprayed, and mashed into an enormous flat bun that looked > like a giant wind-up key sticking out of the top of her head. That wasn't a store! You discovered the secret portal to the bridge of the "Next Generation" Enterprise! Get out of there quick before the French guy with the British accent starts quoting Shakespeare at you to disguise the fact that no new literature was generated between the 17th and 24th centuries after they accidentally ruined Earth history during one of their time-travel misadventures! > Hmmm, now I think I have to go buy some serranos and tomatillos to add > to the boring canned salsa that's been sitting in the refrigerator for > the past three weeks. And what brand of refrigerator is it? Let me guess... -- K. BORING CANNED CHILIS REPOSE INSIDE MAYTAG ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: fpcg version 2.0 Date: Sat, 10 May 2003 20:56:02 -0400 [on secret salsa recipes of the ancients] Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > SALSA SECUNDUS > On a harsh prison planet (or some kind of choppy food thing), combine: > 3 large whole tomatoes, but not whole because you've > cut them into quarters now, haven't you? That's okay then. Most prison planets don't have whole tomatoes. Only ketchup. The kind in clear bottles that have been sitting on the top shelf of the supermarket exposed to the fluorescent lights until the ketchup has turned the color of hoisin sauce and contracted into a hollow bottle-shaped leathery mass. There oughta be a law in the Constitution about the quality of ketchup on prison planets! > Hot peppers of whatever sort equivalent in volume to about > half a tomato, or more, or less, depending on how hot you like it. Now here's where I start getting confused. You see, tomatoes are solid all the way through (well, semi-solid) but peppers are hollow inside. So are you saying to get one of those big round peppers the size of a tomato but only a twentieth the mass, or are you saying I should stuff lots of little peppers inside the big pepper to equal the guts of the tomato? > Also if you don't like it hot (some do), don't put the seeds in. Actually, I thought the spiciest part was supposed to be the placenta. Yes, a pepper has a placenta. (Now your love of salsa is RUINED!) The placenta is the stringy white stuff on the inside, it's where the oil lives. > Also if you don't like running around crying and yelling OW OW OW > MY EYES OH THE PAIN, THE PAIN OF IT ALL you shouldn't touch your > eyes after chopping hot peppers. You can wipe off the painful hot > stuff by rubbing your fingertips on some tomato guts, if no prisses > are watching. I don't like this remake of "American Pie". It's not even as good as the original, and the original was a terrible movie in all respects. I mean, an entire school of cool teens who wear nothing but plaid shirts with no logos? And a magical beer glass that changes into a blue plastic cup and back several times before the obvious payoff? > An onion. Yes, "an onion". If you really like strong oniony flavor > use a gigantic white onion (or a yellow onion, on account of the war), > or a mid-size red onion (I like those), or if you don't like them so > much go for a smallish Vidalia onion. Cut it up a bit. I like dried onion flakes better. They have a different sort of crunch and a little bit more of a garlicky flavor. > a tablespoon of lime juice, or the juice of one lime (better) > a little salt, like a quarter of a teaspoon, or less, because you > can always add more later BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE IT AWAY! IT'S NOT > POSSIBEL, EVAR!!!1! Sure you can. You can just run it through that big machine Howard Hughes built that filtered out all the salt in the entire ocean, leaving him with ten pounds of gold. Also, between the lime and the salt, your recipe is in danger of turning into a margarita. If you dump in a can of fluorescent pink strawberry slime don't expect me to dip my Dorito in it. > Also, if you have access to jicama, peel some of that and slice > it up, byatch! Eh, a jicama is just a sort of off-brand turnip. > Oregano's not bad. Half a teaspoon. Fresh oregano is awesome. I think we're coming to the scene where Tommy Chong tries to get you to snort the bag of laundry detergent. > If you don't hate cilantro, and you have some, toss in a smallish > handful or so. WAAH! MY HANDS ARE TOO BIG TO MAKE SALSA! But it's okay for me to have Man Hands because I hate cilantro. Even if you call it "Chinese parsley" and put it all over a "Chinese sandwich" at that insipid restaurant that used to be next door to my mail drop. > As many crushed garlic cloves as you are interested in (maybe none, > maybe several. A garlic *bulb* has dozens of *cloves*, and you > should peel the cloves before crushing). "Here, Cheech, try this. It's a clove cigarette. It's full of cloves." > Chop it all up kind of coarsely, give it a stir, and let it sit > around in the fridge (or room temperature -- it's acidic and hot) > for a few hours, if you want. Or just start eating it. How can you eat salsa without first making some chicken nuggets to dip into it? Please post a recipe for making chicken nuggets. The ones shaped like five-pointed stars, not the ones shaped like blobs. I'm ambivalent about the ones shaped like one of those drumsticks that Fred Flintstone eats all day without ever making more than one bite mark appear in it. > Tomatillos are a bit more work, really, since you have to peel > them, kinda braise, boil or steam them, and *then* chop 'em up. > But they are good too. You can make your own tomatillos by cross-breeding tomatoes and armadillos. It takes a pretty good mad scientist to do that. > On fruit in salsa: > > What the hell, right? Tomatoes are fruit. So far I've had > mango and pineapple in salsa, and they were both good. I think you may have had lime juice in your salsa, too. If you can't remember which ingredients you've added so far, maybe you shouldn't be working with hot pepper. Either you'll keep adding pepper over and over, or else you'll be so absent- minded that you'll add dirt to it, or worse, flubber. -- K. JOEBAY FORGOT SALSAS SECRET RECIPE NODIRT ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: RABBIT CRIMINALS! Date: Fri, 09 May 2003 14:28:50 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > An estimated 40,000 Queenslanders own rabbits, contrary to State Law > which declares the rabbit to be vermin, and illegal to keep except > under very stringent conditions for research purposes. These stringent > conditions state that rabbits must be kept in a concrete room with > walls at least one metre thick, and require a licence to be obtained > for the keeping of rabbits. They're taking "Monty Python And The Holy Grail" a little too seriously. Just because "Monty Python" depicted a deadly vorpal bunny, that's no reason to assume it could happen in real life. Real life only mimics more realistic British comedies, like "The Benny Hill Show". > It is difficult to understand why some Queenslanders would break the > law in this manner, when it is common knowledge that rabbits are > noxious vermin. If they love rabbits so much, why not move to one > of the other States of the Federation which allow the keeping of > rabbits? Or why not keep guinea pigs, and glue large floppy ears > onto them and pretend they are rabbits? Because they smell worse than rabbits. Guinea pigs pee and rabbits don't. That's why rabbits are always so high-strung. On the Spectrum Of Animal Stinkiness (with ferrets being at the top and turtles being at the bottom), guinea pigs are in the middle with cats, but rabbits are down by the volvox. (An ice cream truck drives past, its music box playing the classic song: "Down by the volvox, early in the morning...") Volvox are the bounciest microbes, even in song form. -- K. MIDGET SOCCER GOALIE BLOCKS VOLVOX GLOBES ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: RABBIT CRIMINALS! Date: Fri, 09 May 2003 22:53:15 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > On the Spectrum Of Animal Stinkiness (with ferrets being at the top > > and turtles being at the bottom), guinea pigs are in the middle with > > cats, but rabbits are down by the volvox. > > IT'S TURTLES ALL THE WAY DOWN IN THE UNIVERSE OF ANIMAL STINKINESS!!1 That's a rather quaint view of our Universe. Modern science has determined that, although the world is on the back of a big fat turtle, which is on a smaller turtle, which is on a teensy turtle, all the way down, the original concept must be revised to include some girl turtles and some black turtles and some gay turtles to make the theory more correct in a politically correct sense, like all other science. And although turtles are the world's cleanest animal (because every turtle dunks its tiny houses in water every day) near the bottom it probably does start to smell after a long weekend. This is how we know the world is at least three days old. STINKY BOTTOM TURTLE BURIED UNDERA STENCH > What about turtal guts? Is that stinky? I think someone should print a coffee-table book of things kids write in those museum visitor books. Then they should print a coffee-table book of reviews of the other book that people wrote on Amazon.com. And then the two books could be switched and nobody would know the difference. -- K. run, it's an earthquake! one of the turtles moved and the San Andreas zipper opened! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: RABBIT CRIMINALS! Date: Sat, 10 May 2003 21:00:31 -0400 Gregory King (greg@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think someone should print a coffee-table book of things kids write in > > those museum visitor books. > > Can you include things like field trip thank you letters in that coffee > table book? A while ago at a grocery store I saw: > > "Thank you for showing us the vegetables and cake. We liked touching the > lobster. We liked your pretty yummy apples! We liked the ice in the > freezer." Well, at least "our apples are pretty yummy, and you might enjoy touching our lobsters" would be a better slogan for the market than "our most important special is you!" Before that market went out of business, I wanted them to do at least one TV commercial so I could see which sub-Ben-Stiller-level celebrity to bellow "Our most important special is... YOUUUUUUUU!!!!" I'm guessing a local baseball player from the wrong locality. Like a Toledo Mud Hen. But what sort of class gets lousy lame field trips to the supermarket? I assume the teacher had just run out of nicotine gum. Unless this was in some quaint part of the country where the supermarkets are too primitive to sell nicotine gum, in which case the teacher just needed a new bar of Lifebuoy to wash out someone's mouth for using a dirty word like "rumpus" or "nicotine". > I would buy a book like that, and then I would use it as a tourist guide > so that I could visit the places with the stinkiest turtal guts and the > lobsters that are the most fun to touch. Hey, I've been to the museum that says "DO NOT CLIMB ON THE LOBSTER" and the museum where the guest book said "I GET TO SEE THE GUTS OF A TURTAL" in the same day. And that made them both better. So your new book should group these things in ways that makes it easy to visit places of equal wackiness so that you can enjoy multiple forms of wackiness back-to-back to conserve your valuable wackiness time. Of course, it would be even better to enjoy two wackies simulatenously... "Wow! I visited Philadelphia's Pretzel Museum and the Alberta Telephone Museum at the same time! By splitting myself into two people I was able to produce concentrated wackiness! All the laws of physics are wrong! But wait, I just remembered the Pretzel Museum closed a few years ago... oh no, that means that the museum I visited was... A GHOST!" -- K. TWISTY SNACKS MUSEUM CLOSED PHILLY BORING ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: RABBIT CRIMINALS! Date: Fri, 09 May 2003 22:42:36 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (spog@jwgh.org) wrote: > > Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > MIDGET SOCCER > > > GOALIE BLOCKS > > > VOLVOX GLOBES > > > > Hi. What's with the new stinger at the end of your posts? We'd turn it > > into a meme but the rest of us aren't smart enough to do it consistently > > or correctly. > > I think Kibo has gotten a job writing copy for some new, hyper-large > candy valentine hearts. (Yes, the all-powerful Necco lobby has finally > gotten to him!) I don't like Necco hearts. See? REVILE NECCOS CHALKY HEARTS FLAVOR OFBONE So there. -- K. Which would win in a fight between "stingers" and "zingers"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ATTN: FELLOW ALCOHOLICS Date: Fri, 09 May 2003 14:42:56 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Jeremy Impson (jdimpson@acm.org) wrote: > > > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@NOkey-net.net) wrote: > > > > > > Calvados is great, but it isn't sweet. It's made from APPLES! APPLES! > > > > Sweet bad. Apples aren't quite understood by this unit. > > Unit? What's to understand? Calvados is a kind of applejack, > and applejack is a kind of brandy. Daron (a brand of calvados) > is one that I've tasted and enjoyed, and it's not too expensive. > The only other brandy I've liked that was at all affordable was > Courvoisier, which is what The Ladies' Man drinks. From now on I'm going to imagine that you look like Sheldon Leonard so I can call you "Big Max Calvados". Now if you'll excuse me I've got to go park my motorcycle next to a billboard that says "DRINK CALVADOS", then I'll trip over the ottoman. Just beware of any liqueur made entirely from walnuts! Also, I may not know my liqueurs, or even how to stop spelling "liqueueur", but I know Apple Jacks taste _bad_ because real apples aren't fluorescent pink. -- K. ESCHEW CEREAL APPLES ARENOT BRIGHT SALMON ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ATTN: FELLOW ALCOHOLICS Date: Fri, 09 May 2003 23:00:55 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, I may not know my liqueurs, or even how to stop spelling > > "liqueueur", but I know Apple Jacks taste _bad_ because real apples > > aren't fluorescent pink. > > Applejack is not a liqueur! It's a brandy! GRR! I think you misspelled "Applejack! Brandy! Twenty-three! Pip! Pip! Applejack!", Dexter. Now tell the chimp to hurry up and put "The Mod Squad" and "Mission: Impossible" on the air. And it's not a brandy, it's a breakfast cereal! You should agree with me there because it means you're allowed to have it for breakfast. -- K. BRANDY CEREAL ITSALL ONEBIG MESSOF TOXINS ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Theme song from a parallel universe Date: Fri, 09 May 2003 23:13:50 -0400 [regarding the lame old sitcom "It's About Time"] Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > My father has an old picture of himself dressed as a caveman > (Flintstonian ragged clothing, papier-mache club) from some college > theme event inspired by that sitcom. I never did hear the whole > story about that. You think there _is_ a whole story about that? I suspect if you put every episode of "It's About Time" together you still wouldn't even get one whole story, let alone one that would explain your father dressing up as Barney Rubble yet still managing to produce offspring. In fact, I doubt "It's About Time" contained enough material to inspire anyone to dress up in their everyday clothes, let alone a home-made Bedrock uniform. Let's put it this way -- there's a reason Irwin Allen's "The Time Tunnel" is considered the funniest show about time travel. -- K. TICTOC TUNNEL CAUSES SPARKS ANDBAD LAUGHS P.S. You said "papier-mache", using a poncy French spelling instead of the proper English spelling of "paper-mache"! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Theme song from a parallel universe Date: Sat, 10 May 2003 21:04:11 -0400 Jeremy Impson (jdimpson@acm.org) wrote: > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > My father has an old picture of himself dressed as a caveman > > (Flintstonian ragged clothing, papier-mache club) from some college > > theme event inspired by that sitcom. I never did hear the whole > > story about that. > > Possibly you *are* the whole story about that. Well, this means that the next time he twirls his spaghetti in the wrong direction using a salad fork instead of a pasta fork at one of my elegant dinner parties, I'm gonna yell "Hey Matt, were you born in a Flintstones house?" Then I'll have him blacklisted by the papier-mache club and he'll have to go to Plaster Fun Time like the rest of us peons. -- K. HISHAT MELTED STORMS DAMPEN PAPIER MACHAY ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Really Big Show. Date: Sat, 10 May 2003 01:10:22 -0400 John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: A Really Big Show. May 9, 2003. > > Here is something that was put on the Internet by a person who > likes to make fun of me. It obviously is a hoax. > > ..................................................................... > ..................................................................... > > From: T > Subject: John F. Winston: "unplugged" > The 1st Annual John F. Winston Reunion, Retreat, and Convention > will be held at the Marriot Hotel and Convention Center in San > Francisco, CA July 25, 26, and 27 > Card-carrying members and affiliates of the following > organizations (in no particular order) are invited and encouraged > to attend: > Extra-Terrestrials > Disciples of Nostradamus > Citizens of Atlantis > International Brotherhood of Mediums, Channelers, and Soothsayers > Men (and women) In Black > Trekkies of Earth > Sub-terranian Dwellers > Trekkies of Earth > Sub-terranian Dwellers > Black Helicopter Pilots Association > Civilian Employees of the Air Force at Groom Lake(Area 51 Division) John, if you hadn't said it was a hoax, you'd be receiving a big envelope of money in the mail right now. But sadly, you tipped me off before I could mail it. Now I don't know where to go for my summer vacation! Also, I'm not sure which kind of sub-terranian dweller I may or may not be. Please explain the difference between the two types of Trekkies, the two types of sub-terranians, and how to tell all four of them apart in a dark dilithium mine. > Scheduled events include: > > Friday July 25 9AM---1PM Orientation and Brainwashing > for Dependants and Press > Friday July 25 2PM---6PM Channeling Seminar Speaker: > Lady Kadjina > Friday July 25 6PM---8PM Dinner Main Ballroom > Friday July 25 9PM--11PM Making Spooky Faces-An > Instructional Lecture Speaker: Jesse Ventura > Friday July 25 11PM-11:30 PM Saving Money by Channeling Down > the Center Speaker: Carrottop > Saturday July 26 8AM--9AM Continental Breakfast in the > Alpha-Centauri Lounge > Saturday July 26 9AM-12 N SubTerranean and Atlantean > Artifact Exhibition > Saturday July 26 12 N---2PM Men In Black Chili Cook-off > Sponsored by Ray Ban Night Vision Sunglasses > Saturday July 26 2PM---3PM Windsor Pilates in a Low-G > Environment > Instructor: Seven Of Nine > Saturday July 26 3PM---5PM Advancing Science Through Cattle > Mutilations Video and Discussion Group > Saturday July 26 5PM---7PM Dinner Main Ballroom > Saturday July 26 8PM---9PM Lecture: "Close Encounters > of the Fourth Kind" Windsor Pilates! That's where they nail someone to a cross that has big rounded feet while Jean Stapleton sings, right? Or am I confusing my obscurities again? If I did, please let me know whether or not I did on purpose, because I'm all confused now, probably because I missed the orientation. > Relaxation > Techniques for A-al Probe Volunteers Speaker: Jim Fox Mulder > Kirk > Saturday July 26 9PM--11PM "Hiding in Plain Sight" Flight > and Avoidance Techniques Speaker: The Predator > Saturday July 26 11PM--12 M The Effects of Earth > Atmosphere on Space Vehicles Speaker: Leader of the Greys > Sunday July 27 8AM---9AM Continental Breakfast in the > Orion Belt Pavillion > Sunday July 27 9AM---12 N Predicting the Future For > Fun and Profit Speaker: Lady K > Sunday July 27 12 N----2PM Crop Circles For the > Hobbyist - New and Exciting Designs for Home Decorating > Sunday July 27 2PM----4PM Designer Foil Beanie Show - > See The Latest Fashions in High Frequency Protection > Sunday July 27 4PM----6PM Air Show by the Romulan > Flight Demonstration Team > Sunday July 27 6PM----8PM Dinner Main Ballroom > Sunday July 27 9PM---10PM John F. Winston Award > Ceremony and Debriefing But it doesn't say which room the Romulan air show will be in! Oh well, I guess it doesn't matter, given that you can't see their spaceships until right before the Enterprise blows them up. And the Enterprise won't be there because it's over at that other hotel in Las Vegas. > Special Guest > Presenters Include: The Ghostbusters, Sigourney Weaver, and Bill > Shatner > LifetimeAchievment Award will be presented to Ray Walston by Alf Just Bill Shatner? Not any of the more important "Star Trek" cast members, like that handsome devil who played transporter chief Lt. Kyle? > Group discount accomodations are available through Gene Rodenberry > Tours Inc. and Hotels.com > Please, no open containers or coolers permitted > > John Winston. johnfwin@mlode.com In space, nobody needs a cooler. -- K. SAAVIK GAVEME ELEVEN FINGER VULCAN SALUTE ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo's Top-Secret Project Date: Sat, 10 May 2003 21:03:10 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Pugg (pugg71@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > So, Kibo, do we ever get to hear what the top-secret project is? > > Judging from his new signature formula, it obviously has something to do > with the I Ching, but I can't figure out which letters are supposed to be > solid and which are supposed to be broken because in Comic Sans MS > they're all exactly the same thickness. Hey! Are you accusing me of using the I Ching to generate surrealist fiction because I'm secret Philip K. Dick and have the delusion that we're still living in ancient Rome? If so, I'll have you know the guy who was raving about that in front of the Boston Public Library was nearly ten feet away from me while I was following him! So, there is no conspiracy to cover up the fact that some crazy guy's delusions may or may not be true! I'm just playing along with his hallucinations in order to make the conspiracy think that I think the guy is only hallucinating seeing ancient Rome! The little sixlets are not a signature, they're merely filler and a small part of a wholly unrelated plan to conquer the world. Also, your computer has an ugly font installed. My computer has hundreds of fonts, but I only use the one that's not ugly. -- K. GROSSO SANSES THANKS TOYOUR EMMESS EYEEEE ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: YAY FOR AIRBAGS Date: Sat, 10 May 2003 22:26:43 -0400 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > I'm alive. > > I'm fine now but the doctor says to expect to hurt all over tomorrow and > take lots of Tylenol 3. > > Details redacted for personal safety. Available on request. Glad to hear you're alive and that nobody secretly replaced your airbag with a whoopee cushion. Then later, Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Utilizing two different varieties of LONG NOSE PLIERS just now, > I was even able to straighten out my glasses. Why did you say "LONG NOSE PLIERS" in big fat letters? Oh, I know, does this have something to do with your SECRET PROJECT? You're knitting a pile of rebar into either your own hockey goalie mask or a fireproof hose for Red Adair, right? Incidenally, I keep wondering why there is "Tylenol 3" but no "Tylenol 2". And if it's so good, why is the original Tylenol still on the market? I don't take any of them because they don't work on me. I just think of them as Necco conversation hearts without the stimulating reading. -- K. LITTLE CHALKY TABLET WITHNO HEARTY SAYING ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A can of dog food Date: Sun, 11 May 2003 19:47:22 -0400 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > > > A can of dog food costs about a dollar. But if you think about it, > > that's SEVEN DOG DOLLARS!! I don't spend seven dollars a meal on > > myself! And I weigh about ten times as much as my dog, which means > > that a can of dog food is actually worth SEVENTY HUMAN DOLLARS!! > > That's why I don't eat dog food - it's too expensive. > > That reminds me of one of the "chili booths" at last weekends cookoff. > > This one group of people simply set up a card table, made up a monstrous > batch of margaritas, and then offered a margarita to anyone who was willing > to have their Polaroid taken while eating a tablespoon or so of Alpo. I > believe the total was around 60 or so before they ran out of film for the > camera. That didn't stop people from participating in this gastronomical > delight, but it did take some of the fun out of it. > > No word on how their "chili" fell in the final rankings. Do you really think that Alpo is any different from the brown stuff inside the three-for-a-dollar individually-wrapped supermarket burritos? The ones where the wrapper has to be a different color for each flavor because nobody who likes those could be smart enough to read? The ones that consist of ninety percent folded cardboard and ten percent brown meat gel applied with a butter knife before being lovingly sealed up by a robot cramming the whole burrito through a little tube into the wrapper sideways? The ones where, after microwaving, the top half of the burrito comes out dry and brittle but the saggy bottom that leaks is floating in a puddle of bright orange oil? I think the Alpo by itself might be preferable to the Alpo inside the crumpled cardboard wad, but it's a close call. Alpo is probably better because it costs a whole dollar a can. And don't get me started on the unholy hybrid of the two: canned tamales. (Those are one of those strange foods that I enjoy even though I know it's really vile. I think there must be a secret additive.) But I prefer the deluxe-quality two-dollar burritos from the gas station. They're Exxontastic! -- K. FOLDED BOARDS AROUND CANNED DOGGIE DINNER ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: american money Date: Wed, 14 May 2003 02:36:48 -0400 talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > ok, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the U.S. treasure > department's new money. I'm talking, of course, about the > 18 cent piece dienniad that will replace all dimes currently > in circulation by 2005, followed by the 29 cent hexatridekad > that will replace all quarters in 2007. I mean, first of all, > although efficient, they aren't really as useful as kibo's > negative pennies; second, the names just suck. I think they > should revive the name of the old "bits" and call them ekabits > and hyperbits, myself. I have a photo of a ten million adopengo (2 x 10^25 pengo) Hungarian bank note. I snapped it while I was in the Bank Of Canada's Museum Of Currency. But it was a very cold day in Ottawa and as I was walking back to the hotel a penguin tried to crush me by sliding a big block of ice onto me while playing annoying music over and over. Fortunately I escaped and my photo was recovered, once I transferred the files onto a new computer due to snow damage my laptop suffered at the hands of the evil penguin. Anyway, "ado-" is a great prefix, because it's not just 10^19, it's 2 x 10^19, which is double gigantic. So we should immediately convert all our money into ekabits and negative pennies. (Negative pennies look just like scissle, except that when they touch regular currency there is a little explosion, vaporizing both items.) In addition to my old idea of negative pennies, I also think we might need negative Disney Dollars. (You'd only be able to redeem them at places that aren't Disneyland.) > also, despite the greater efficiency of a coin system that uses > only pennies, nickels, dienniads, and hexatridekads, I think > we're only opening ourselves up to an international currency > race. canadia will almost certainly adopt an 83-cents canadian > coin (the octotroon) as a retributive move to strengthen their > own coin system, although we will still laugh because it will > be worth less than the next US coin, the vigintunium (51 cents.) That one's made from the newly-discovered element vigintunium, which has a half-life of a millionth of a second, to keep the economy moving. > [...] we might even see other countries introduce even weirder coins > into circulation, such as intravenous coins! Sorry. > small coins from bosnia that will have pictures of imaginary > islands with french names that sound dirty. russia's new coins > will all look like parameciums and amoebas. saudi arabia will > probably introduce a spiked ball currency that will punish the > greedy by firing poison into their palms. SPIKED RIYALS PUNISH GREEDY FIRING POISON That was TOO EASY. Please try to use only words that I will have a harder time jamming into such an annoying format. And hurry up -- I can only do this in every article for the next six to eight months before people start to get sick of it. -- K. But the Museum Of Currency would still rather display the deadly currency that would kill all visitors instead of getting a current U.S. dollar coin. (Maybe they can't afford to spend $1.50 on a real dollar.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: american money Date: Thu, 15 May 2003 04:35:31 -0400 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Please try to use only words that I will have a harder time jamming > > into such an annoying format. And hurry up -- I can only do this in > > every article for the next six to eight months before people start to > > get sick of it. > > Has it been five months, 29 days, 18 hours and 32 minutes already? > How time flies. Oh, if only I had a nickel for every time I wasted sarcasm on the Internet. So, here's the deal. I can't stop doing it until everyone else starts doing it so that I have to stop and switch to making fun of what losers everyone else is for doing something so dorky. Also you all have to be really enjoying writing things in that cryptic format so that I can explain the really boring story behind it to ruin all your fun. It's mean of you not to play along when I want to be mean to you! -- K. SECRET PLOTBY KIBOTO BOTHER PEOPLE BOXILY (I couldn't have thought of the word "boxily" in a million years if "Battlestar Galactica" weren't on my TV right now.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: american money Date: Mon, 19 May 2003 00:59:13 -0400 Tim Chmielelewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, here's the deal. I can't stop doing it until everyone else starts > > doing it so that I have to stop and switch to making fun of what > > losers everyone else is for doing something so dorky. Also you all > > have to be really enjoying writing things in that cryptic format so > > that I can explain the really boring story behind it to ruin all your > > fun. It's mean of you not to play along when I want to be mean to you! > > Yes and have a Happy Dot Com! > > Thanks. Hey, that's a really annoying catchphrase. I think I'll start saying it, just to annoy people. Thanks! I'm glad you invented it! -- K. "Have" a "happy" dot "com"! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: american money Date: Fri, 16 May 2003 04:06:27 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > if only I had a nickel for every time I wasted sarcasm on the Internet. > ^^^^^^ > [ decoy ] You see, in the olden days, duck decoys were a form of legal tender. "I'm going to the store, loan me a string of ducks," you'd say. Real ducks were worth more than decoys because you could eat them but real ducks were also worth less than decoys because they could poop, so it all evened out. This is where the expression "getting all your ducks in a row" comes from. You'd need to line up a hundred of them beak-to-tail on the same string to pay for a common household implement such as a dunking stool or trebuchet. > > So, here's the deal. I can't stop doing it until everyone else starts > > doing it so that I have to stop and switch to making fun of what losers > > everyone else is for doing something so dorky. Also you all have to be > > really enjoying writing things in that cryptic format so that I can > > explain the really boring story behind it to ruin all your fun. It's > > mean of you not to play along when I want to be mean to you! > > play along? we're SAVING! we took your idea of ternary currency to > heart, and we're hoarding all these posts as positive pennies. posts > with no tators are zero-value in the new economy, and non-Kibo posts > with no tators aren't currency at all. we're gambling on the future > value of these cryptograms, ready to trade them off against negatives > when they arrive! > > 'course, none of us know what a negative penny will look like. > probably some bozo will just post something so massively broken the > whole thing will collapse. > > > SECRET PLOTBY > > KIBOTO BOTHER > > PEOPLE BOXILY > > > > (I couldn't have thought of the word "boxily" in a million years if > > "Battlestar Galactica" weren't on my TV right now.) > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > [ another one ] > > see, we all wouldn't fall victim to his FIENDISH plots if just once in > a while we'd pay attention to the hidden meanings. "boxily" and > "Battlestar Galatica"? in a CYLON'S PINK TUTU! he's been watching > Tron again, and it's worth MONEY to us this time! > > BOXLEITNER QUADRANTES > ADDSWEALTH FORBETTORS > IMMERSEDIN POPCULTURE > ABERRATION WHOOOOOOPS > IDESTROYED THEECONOMY Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Ten-letter words aren't legal, especially because Bruce Boxleitner doesn't even speak Latin, you bozo! LEVATE DALOCV LVDERE NESCIS IDIOTA RECEDE And now you owe me a zillion denarii, a barrel of lupins, and a roast peacock in jellyfish sauce. You can pick up the latter at my favorite restaurant. It's of the ones that is in compliance with the anti-gambling laws because there's not a single gameboard around whenever the local centurions drops in, and the menu is conveniently carved in giant letters on the tabletops: ABEMVS INCENA PVLLVM PISCEM PERNAM PAONEM Of course it's a little hard to read because they sniffed away the start of "habemus" and swallowed the middle of the tripthong in "pavonem". But still, I win again! Somehow, I always manage to get to the end of what I'm typing before you people even begin reading it. A clear victory for me. You should just give up and hand over all your money to me now, because trying to hang onto it will warp your brain. SPERNE LVCRVM VERSAT MENTES INSANA CVPIDO And now you know the rest of the story, thanks to a volcano conveniently preserving some useful insults and two-thousand- year-old dinner menus that can be sung to the tune of a backgammon board. I'll translate those tomorrow, if you leave the fish guts off my peacock. -- K. TIMEOF CHRIST ZINGER STINGS MODERN NIMNUL ...and we're done! That was too easy. Let's move on to hneftafl. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Julius Kibo (was: Re: american money) Date: Tue, 20 May 2003 18:30:25 -0400 And now, by popular demand, or rather, because one person here failed to express a total lack of interest... Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > > BOXLEITNER QUADRANTES > > > ADDSWEALTH FORBETTORS > > > IMMERSEDIN POPCULTURE > > > ABERRATION WHOOOOOOPS > > > IDESTROYED THEECONOMY > > > > Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Ten-letter words aren't legal, especially > > because Bruce Boxleitner doesn't even speak Latin, you bozo! > > > > LEVATE DALOCV > > LVDERE NESCIS > > IDIOTA RECEDE > > > > And now you owe me a zillion denarii, a barrel of lupins, and a > > roast peacock in jellyfish sauce. > > oh no! the nominative singular (wait, dative? accusative? genitive? > [hurh, hurh] argh, I'm only making things WORSE for myself!) in there > means he's talking to *ME*, and not all you other lamers as well, and > everything I already owe is now in double-hock, and Kibo'll have me > thrown into the Marshalsea! That one said, in the sophisticated language of two millennia ago: RISEUP GOHOME NEWBIE PLAYER GOAWAY RETARD That's a loose translation, except for "retard". > there's only one thing I can pay this back with: > > bozocity. > > better get me thinkin' cap on. ETHUL! whut brand a' bozocity do we > have in supply today? THINK, Ethul, THINK! But Vivian Vance is dead. She died of woe because she had a name that couldn't be spelled in Scrabble without using a blank for the third "V". Of course, if she had lived in ancient Rome, you would keep spelling her name in Scrabble just to use up all those "V"s that shouldn't be there. I'm not sure what shape a Roman Scrabble board was, but I bet it would make a slightly more sophisticated kind of poem, if you don't mind that every sentence has to end with someone yelling "TRIPLE WORD SCORE!" Another popular Roman game was "Hungry Hungry Hippos", which they played with Christians. > > You can pick up the [peacock] at my favorite restaurant. It's one > > of the ones that is in compliance with the anti-gambling laws > > because there's not a single gameboard around whenever the local > > centurions drops in, and the menu is conveniently carved in giant > > letters on the tabletops: > > > > ABEMVS INCENA > > PVLLVM PISCEM > > PERNAM PAONEM > > fish? picenium bozonium? nah, 'cos the fish barrel's already full of > lupins. Ethul, you're supposed to be HELPING. They left out an "h" and a "v" for space reasons. So I feel entitled to do the same sort of cheating in this translation: WEHAVE DINNER CHIKEN FISHES PIGLET PEACOK So you see, when they came by to check on whether or not people were gambling in the restaurant, all the gamblers would have to do is drop the dice (three of them) into a wine cup, swallow all the tokens, and just pretend the gameboard was a menu. However, I wouldn't eat at that restaurant very often because I like beef better than misspelled backgammon. > > Of course it's a little hard to read because they sniffed away > > the start of "habemus" and swallowed the middle of the tripthong > > in "pavonem". But still, I win again! Somehow, I always manage > > to get to the end of what I'm typing before you people even begin > > reading it. A clear victory for me. You should just give up and > > hand over all your money to me now, because trying to hang onto > > it will warp your brain. > > ETHUL!!! the vast gravitational attraction of Kibo's gold hoard is > pulling me brainstem apart! HURRRY! I got all this gold by inventing a magnet that attracts all the gold in the world. I did this at an abandoned amusement park built by Vikings in the year 1000 this weekend. While I was visiting the Norumbega Tower, I found all sorts of excitingly authentic Viking relics: For instance, a flask of mead inscribed "MILLER", and a small box of "MARLBORO 100S", a strand of ribbon with a series of deflated pink latex balloons attached (perhaps to celebrate the birth of a really sissy Viking warrior), and most curiously, the lower half of a totem figurine of some god wearing white spandex with blue superhero boots. As near as I can tell, some guy in 1893 was impressed with how much money the Columbian Exposition had made (1892, for the 400th anniversary of that dude with the girly hair blundering into the important part of the world) so he decided to start his own cheap knockoff, namely an amusement park devoted to the imaginary Viking conquest of Massachusetts in the year 1000, so that the payoff (the 900th anniversary) could be a few years after he got the bogus history entrenched in people's minds via a large bronze plaque explaining all of it. (Apparently Leif Erikson himself chose the site of where an amusement park would be built 893 years later. But then the Vikings conveniently chose to move from the United States to Iceland in the 1300s, because they thought it was someone else's turn to have the country with the good weather.) Thanks to Matt & Samantha driving me to the Norumbega Tower, I was able to use a slide projector filled with holograms, some glow-in-the-dark paint, and a tank of helium to scare away all the teenagers from the abandoned amusement park so that I could take advantage of a convenient local legend to build my magnet to attract all the gold in the world so that I could use the money to destroy the space program because there are plenty of problems right here on Earth, and also, I kidnapped the Monkees right before the big sing-off. > > SPERNE LVCRVM > > VERSAT MENTES > > INSANA CVPIDO > > ETHUL!!! now that *cupid* you've always been moaning about's been > crushed by the insane mentes of his filthy lucre! HURRY!!! NOW!!!!! This one's too easy! Every word has an English cognate! "Spurn", "lucre", "invert"/"convert"/"divert"/"revert"/"pervert", "mentality", "insane", and the common everyday word "cupidity". Put 'em all together, shake really hard, and you get: ESCHEW WEALTH INSANE DESIRE TWISTS BRAINS Those three all came from gameboards or tabletops in Rome and Pompeii. It seems that when playing this particular variant of backgammon (the kind which had a third row so that they could use three dice so that they could say "Wow! This is New Improved Super Backgammon!") if you went over to some Roman dude's house and asked to wager some quatloos over a friendly game of Super Backgammon, he'd say, "Sure! But we're going to use MY gameboard!" and he'd orient it so that the insults were facing you. Except in the case of the one that just talked about sauteed peacocks, which wasn't intended to make people lost, just to make them hungry. Now stop asking me to translate Latin because you're making me feel like the new Joe Friday instead of the good one. You know, the one who was cool because he didn't act or ever make a sentence. The new one travels around giving Latin lessons to people (he's done so in two episode so far, and they've only aired about ten) which proves that TV can always find new ways to make Joe Friday even squarer. Used to be Joe Friday gave you a stern talking-to about drugs. Now he just talks about the declension of "Praetorum". And yet he still can't tell a Pericles helmet from a Roman one. > > -- K. > > > > TIMEOF CHRIST > > ZINGER STINGS > > MODERN NIMNUL > > NIMNUL... NIMNUL, NIMNA, NIMNI, NIMWI, NIMWIT. Ethul, I'm BLOCKING. > THINK!!! Oh no! Bruce Utting's brain's filesystem is blocking! And his mind's locked in a race condition! A RACE CONDITION! BRUCE, THAT MEANS YOU'RE A RACIST! You're just jealous of those of us who have a heritage that's 30% Roman, 20% Viking, and 50% Orkan. I do NOT tip my tripla to you, sir! > okay. Kibo's on a Latin rush and wants fealty. all I have to work > with are the crumbs dug from the chiselled inscription in his > table-top, some sort of Roman font, a little swirly in the S though > the particularly discrete serifs are a nice touch. ETHUL, SHARRUP > ABOUT ROMANS AND FEALTY! ROMANES EUNT----- hey, waitaminute. > > *whisperwhisperwhisperwhisperwhisperwhisper* > > ahem. > > Ladies and Kibologists, oh, and, uhr, Ladies who -are- Kibologists, > yet who somehow still remain Ladies, it gives me great pleasure to > frantically throw something together at short notice and hopefully > clear the venue before those calling "Author!" manage to lay hands on > anything that could leave a bruise. REAL weapons don't leave bruises, or any other chunks of solid matter large enough to see without a microscope. REAL weapons go "BOOM!", not "BRUISE!" > The dramatic arts present us with many treasures of our culture, many > glories indeed that have delighted and aroused and stirred over the > centuries, and it is from this rich ancestry that I hope to entertain > you in this brief passage of the cess, sorry, *news*-spool before > fleeing once more into the night. > > And so I give you, a mere 549 days after it could possibly have made > any sense: > > > > JULIUS KIBO > > > > > DRAMATIS PERSONAE > > KIBO. > > [...] > > Kibo I see a note writ darker than any demi-bold. Speak, and be > told why you should seek a job far from pen or screen. Mining > mud could possibly your worth redeem. Bravo! Although your play was too long for me to quote or read any of it other than the speech above, I thoroughly enjoyed it, except that it should have been "Titus Andronicus" so that at the end I could declare "WHITE CASTLES FOR EVERYONE!" Now, WHITE CASTLES FOR EVERYONE! Chow down and later I'll explain where Bob Hope went. Also, you should mention that Cymbeline invented the hovercraft just to make Matt McIrvin happy. -- K. Except nobody would believe Shakespeare wrote a play called "Cymbeline". You'd better think of a more plausible name for a fake Shakespeare play... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Julius Kibo (was: Re: american money) Date: Tue, 20 May 2003 21:24:43 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now, WHITE CASTLES FOR EVERYONE! Chow down and later I'll explain > > where Bob Hope went. > > That's a rather -- tender -- subject. A true White Castle aficionado would never insult a White Castle burger by calling it merely "tender". They're in a realm which is so far beyond "tender" that even the term "semi-liquid" doesn't apply. White Castles have a texture like wet cotton candy, only even better. Remember the old Wendy's commercials where they told you that their burgers were good because they would squirt beef blood all over nuns' habits? Well, White Castles are more moist than that. They actually become more solid when you put ketchup on them. > Also, a movie theater in Palo Alto is doing a massive Bop Hope > Centenary thing. Several days of nothing that doesn't have Bob > Hope in it! So they're shutting down the concession stand? -- K. What, you thought the salty yellow grease on the popcorn was something harmless, like a petroleum chemical blend? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Julius Kibo (was: Re: american money) Date: Fri, 23 May 2003 01:12:31 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Remember the old Wendy's commercials where they told you that their > > burgers were good because they would squirt beef blood all over > > nuns' habits? > > WhaaaaaaAAaAaa? You spelled "no" all wacky. > I'd love to see it. It was circa 1983 or 1984, during the Dark Ages of hamburger commercials, shortly before Wendy's re-invigorated the genre by showing senile dwarves yelling "WHERE'S THE BEEF?" and also shortly before Burger King killed the genre again with "Where's Herb?" The premise was that, while wacky music played, various people would bite into Wendy's burgers, which would squirt beef juice on their clothes, to show how "juicy" they were. The commercial ended with a nun getting hamburger spooge all over her upper frontals (probably the result of God punishing her for eating at Wendy's, although I don't know if Wendy's is a venial sin or a mortal sin. Probably venial, because the hamburgers aren't that good.) They had the mistaken impression that equating their hamburgers with sponges dripping with cow oil would make them appetizing. But then, a year or two later, wacky hamburger commercials were forgotten as people turned to the Noid, Max Headroom, Godzilla, and the California Raisins to advertise cheap pizza, New Coke, Dr Pepper, and themselves. I have the distinct impression that sometime within the last twenty years many, but not all, members of the advertising profession have figured out how to make commercials that aren't as memorably dopey. Now they're mostly just boring, even the ones that still have nuns and monks acting like regular bozos. > > > [Joe Bay wrote:] > > > Also, a movie theater in Palo Alto is doing a massive Bop Hope > > > Centenary thing. Several days of nothing that doesn't have Bob > > > Hope in it! > > > > So they're shutting down the concession stand? > > Nope. > > There's some kind of nasty root-beer-and-gray-meat concoction, though. How do you make a Bob Hope float? something something something NATALIE WOOD!!! -- K. And why does Dr Pepper come in a vending machine? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: the secret of the iLoo Date: Thu, 15 May 2003 04:29:27 -0400 talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > some of you may remember Kibo and I discussing the iLoo not too > many threads ago; Kibo expressed doubts that the story was true, > while I dug up a story on MSNBC about the iLoo. my reasoning at > that point was this: if MSNBC (co-owned by Microsoft) reports > that the Microsoft Network has built their own internet-enabled > portapotty, it seems likely that the story is true. > > but I was wrong. > > and then I was right again. [...] > > and now they are changing their story. You know, if it had been a really slick, clever company, like those geniuses that make that beer that makes you sexy, I would be cynical and assume that Microsoft's deliberately adopting this strategy of "Our UK division is lying, it's a hoax!" "No, our US branch is lying, it's not a hoax!" in order to glom up media coverage for free with this wacky, wacky Microsoft-vs-Microsoft war of stupid words. But this is Microsoft we're talking about, and I think they honestly don't know whether or not they are manufacturing a computer system FOR ME TO POOP ON. > http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/businesstechnology/134731106_iloo14.html > > -> Microsoft admitted yesterday that it may have > -> misled the public about its quirky plan to install > -> an Internet kiosk and surround-sound speakers in a > -> British portable toilet. > > a cover-up! > > -> The "iLoo" project became the butt of jokes around > -> the world after it was disclosed two weeks ago. > > haw haw he said "BUTT!" and then he disclosed it! > > -> On Monday the company said it was just a > -> joke. Then yesterday it changed the story and said > -> iLoo was a real project, but executives killed it > -> after reading the news coverage. > > I think this was the same policy they used when announcing > security problems. first, they announce they are going to > fix the security holes with a month-long concentration on > security. then, they announce it was all a joke. and then, > they announce it *wasn't* a joke, but MS executives decided > that security wasn't a good investment. My take on this is that the "iLoo" announcement is worded in such a way that it could only be a joke. It's full of "Match Game" level double-entendres, and they couldn't possibly name it "iLoo" and publicly advertise that name without (a) trademarking it (which they haven't) and (b) getting sued by Apple (which they didn't) -- after all, everyone knows Apple's been working on a toilet-shaped computer for years. Oh, sure, it won't technically be a _working_ toilet, but Apple's new computer will be shaped even more like a toilet than most toilets are. Plus the advertising campaign will say something about "the two-ply paperless office of the future." I think that someone at MSN UK was trying to post a wacky (although their precise motives will never be known) and they actually managed to troll some of the management of MSN UK and Microsoft USA into fighting over one of the stupidest subjects possible. Mainly, this business shows that Microsoft management is so incredibly dorky that they can't spot even juvenile humor. If the sentence "MSN is also in talks with toilet paper manufacturers to produce special web paper for those in need of URL inspiration" didn't clue them in that this wasn't a serious press release, then I suspect that I could walk into the headquarters wearing a rainbow clown wig and no pants and they'd look to see if I had an appointment. > -> [ ... ] > -> Microsoft acknowledged yesterday that it goofed up. > > -> "We apologize for our mistake and are working on > -> making sure it doesn't happen again," said Lisa > -> Gurry, MSN group product manager in Redmond. > > that's a confusing statement. how do you work to make sure > that you don't lie again? can't you just say "we won't lie > again"? or maybe Lisa means that Microsoft is working to > make sure that no one accidentally builds an internet toilet > again. I think she said that they are making sure that they will never, ever apologize again. > further down in the article... > > -> Other companies provide digital advertising > -> displays in urinals so the concept wasn't too > -> far-fetched, but it still drew potty jokes such as > -> the one about Microsoft's new Pee-C. > > I still think my linking the iLoo to the Urine Control system > was much funnier than ... OH WAIT! I GEDDIT! PEE! SEA! The press release from the UK used the term "WWW.C", but then Jack Paar quoted it and got kicked off the Internet. > -> After a few weeks of wisecracks, Microsoft's > -> spokesmen on Monday said the iLoo was a joke. > > I think they just couldn't think of a snappy comeback, so they > pretended they had made the first joke. "SEE! haw haw! those > comedians were laughing WITH us, not AGAINST us!" > > -> "I can confirm it was an April Fools' joke," Noury > -> Bernard-Hasan, a director in the public-relations > -> division, told the CNET news Web site. > > that's one hell of an april fool's joke! played in mid april! > I bet they used Microsoft Outhouse^WOutlook to keep track of > April 1st! tight planning, fellahs! "Mid"-April? The press release was dated April 30, and posted May 2. Them's kalends, not ides. Unless Microsoft has renamed all the calendar months and changed their lengths to jam in four extra ones with the word "extreme" in their names, but I don't think they're scheduled to announce the Microsoft Calendar until after they've gotten the legislation passed forcing us to use it, sometime shortly after the second noon of the first day of Intercalarius Daffodil 39/X. > -> Yesterday the company revised its story. Gurry > -> explained to reporters that it was real, and the > -> U.K. group has leeway to do its own projects, but > -> that executives in Redmond decided the iLoo was > -> inappropriate. > > "it's been real, folks, but we're taking our potty and calling > it quits. smell you later!" I suddenly had a vision of Microsoft executives marching down the hallway in V-formation without swinging their arms or bending their knees, while chanting "THE iLOO IS INAPPROPRIATE! THE iLOO IS INAPPROPRIATE! INAPPROPRIATE! INAPPROPRIATE!" and then smoke would come out of their ears and they would go on a rampage and chase Richard Benjamin into a room with a convenient rack of clearly-labeled beakers of Throwing Acid. By the way, has anyone ever noticed that the guy who wrote "Jurassic Park" totally ripped off the guy who wrote "Westworld"? > -> "It didn't really map to our global branding > -> objectives," Gurry said. > > I hope they mean branding their *product*, otherwise I don't > want to know about their branding objectives. [...] I don't plan to buy a Microsoft spanking machine, let alone anything that would chase me around the apartment with a branding iron, a hot poker, David Spade's Tazer, or a bag of 1,000 spring clothespins. SPANKY DEVICE ONSALE EIGHTY LASHES REBATE > [...] > this story feels incomplete. to really make it complete, Apple > needs to slap a "look and feel" lawsuit on Microsoft, for using > the letter "i". Hey, I already said that a whole page above this. Go back and read it! -- K. "Microsoft Windows: Sit on it!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Reporting garbage truck drivers Date: Fri, 16 May 2003 04:10:46 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > revjack (revjack@revjack.net) wrote: > > > > I'm about to report the Ice Cream Man, or rather, his truck. > > It plays a ghastly Casio style version of "Turkey in the > > Straw" at what I'm guessing is 110 decibels. And it is > > driven very slowly throughout the neighborgood and into the > > next town, so I can hear it for about an hour and a half. It > > is so loud that you cannot have a conversation with a person > > when it drives by; you have to stop and wait. I can > > literally hear it in the next town. > > The ice cream truck that comes through our neighborhood is apparently > driven by a guy who Just Doesn't Get It. It's one of those little > golf-cart type trucks, but he cruises through here at about 30 miles > per hour. I think someone needs to have a chat with him about his > target market and the profit motive. I'm not going to say how happy I am that last year's ice cream truck is gone from my neighborhood, because I don't want to jinx it. > On the other hand, maybe he's just using the ice cream truck as a > cover, as in "Reservoir Dogs." And as in that Cheech & Chong movie. And as in "The Ice Cream Man" with Clint Howard. Don't mess with your guy, because he might be Clint Howard and then his tag-a-long brother (the bald one _with_ the hat) will want to be in any movie you put Clint in. I've always found it amusing that the voice they dubbed in for Baby Baalok on "Star Trek" (Vic Perrin attempting to talk like an alien space baby) sounded exactly like the way Clint Howard grew up to talk. Clint's a cool guy, even if he was on "Space Rangers" (with Linda Hunt, Gottfried John, Cary Hiroyuki-Tagawa, and special guest star Claudia Christian.) Were the casting directors unable to hire any actors who looked like normal people? The shape of Clint Howard's head fascinates me. He has a head designed by Bil Keane but with eyes by Margaret Keane. I look like him reflected in a fun-house mirror, but he looks like me reflected in a crazy-house mirror. In any case, the best movie about an ice cream truck is "The Ice Cream Man" just because Clint Howard kills people with ice cream cones, just like Schwarzenegger in "Last Action Hero". And the best comedy sketch about a TV show about an ice cream truck is the sketch in "Tunnelvision" about the guy pitching a show titled "The Million Dollar Ice Cream Truck" that gets rejected because someone on TV ate an ice cream cone last week. -- K. I still want to do a show called "The Twilight Cone" where Baby Rod Serling would wail, "Waah! My ice cream cone fell on the ground -- OR DID IT?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Happy Fun Paranoia Date: Fri, 16 May 2003 04:14:28 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > I have a court date of July 2 for my lawsuit against a Charleston > company that wouldn't stop spamming me. Would you like to be next? Huh? See, if they _stopped_, it wouldn't be spamming. Saying a spammer won't stop is like saying "This water's too wet!" It's what makes a spammer a spammer. His defense will be: "Your honor, I'm a spammer, and according to the dictionary, I'm _required_ to send too much mail forever and ever!" ...and you'd better hope he's not smart enough to yell "CASE CLOSED! Q.E.D.! I WIN, NO GIVEBACKS!" after that or you'll be in trouble. Especially if his lawsuit was printed out in the Venice font in purple and green 24-point letters. And hopefully he won't be smart enough to say "I don't _not_ move that the plaintiff's name be legally changed to 'Please Spam Me Harder Sir!'" because if you don't realize you need to object to the double negative, the spammer will be legally entitled to request that the entire courtroom rise to point at you and yell "HAW HAW!" So be careful. These spammers think they're clever folks. And that makes them much more dangerous than if they actually were. -- K. If you need an expert witness to testify that he was detained by the Canadian government for using SpamAssassin to tidy up his mailbox, sorry, but I want to stay home and watch your trial on TV. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why aren't Vikings more popular on ARK? Date: Sat, 17 May 2003 00:50:38 -0400 Tim Chmielelewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > The word 'viking' comes from an old English word meaning pirate. OH YEAH, WELL, THEN WHY ARE THERE STILL PIRATES??? Also, I'd just like to point out that I can go all the way to Norumbega for free, because I have a bus pass. Norumbega was a mythical Viking settlement in North America. You can see it on some 400-year-old maps showing bogus coastlines of the New England area. (This was in the days when cartographers could get away with just guessing what was between Maine and Virginia.) Norumbega's location varied depending on whom you asked, but it's often considered to have been on the Charles River just west of Boston (i.e. in Newton.) Today Newton has a Norumbega Park, which is near but not quite in the same place as the amusement park which was also known as Norumbega Park: [from defunctparks.com] -> -> Norumbega Park opened in June of 1897 in the Auburndale section of -> Newton, Massachusetts. The amusement park was built by the directors -> of the Commonwealth Avenue Street Railway in an attempt to increase -> patronage and revenues on the trolley line running between Boston -> and Auburndale. The park's name was taken from Norumbega Tower, a -> huge stone structure located across the river in Weston, built to -> honor the Viking explorers who had sailed up the Charles River -> around 1000 AD. Incidentally, the Green Line "A" trolley was removed because they didn't want Vikings riding into downtown Boston on the trolley. So today we just have buses going to and from Newton. Because Vikings hate having to ring for stops. And it's great fun to give tourists directions involving "follow along where the 'A' trolley tracks used to be before they took them out, then turn at the imaginary Viking settlement..." Newton is one of 28 suburbs of Boston named Newton, because the Puritans thought nobody would ever need to go outside Boston, so when the city overflowed and people went out and started a whole bunch of suburbs, because Boston had been the only city until then each the new towns were just named "New-Towne", which is now spelled "Newton". The most prominent one of those was renamed "Cambridge" because it wanted to pretend it was part of England to make it seem like Harvard was just as good as Oxford. That also solved the problem of Cambridge getting confused with the other Newton, which is, well, adjacent. Boston is the sort of city where not only do streets intersect themselves, but neighboring towns have identical names. So I commend the people of Cambridge for stealing a name all the way from the other side of the Atlantic Ocean. Allegedly John Smith was the first one to decide to call this entire region "New England" instead of "Norumbega" -- if you look at maps from the 1590s, they often have made-up stuff between New France (Quebec) and Virginia, and it's all labelled "Norumbega" with a city on a river in the middle. The big city was said to be chock-full of gold, like all nonexistent cities. Why the city of Norumbega is supposed to be Newton, I don't know -- there's nothing on these maps that looks anything like Massachusetts (i.e. no Cape Cod) so the fantasy city clearly can't be any real place. But apparently Newton had one of those old colonial-era stone towers that later people decided would be a better tourist attraction if they said it was a Viking tower (like that one in Newport, which was actually built by Benedict Arnold -- not the famous one, but one of his ancestors.) The Abenaki (a Vermont Indian tribe) were the people who had been using the name "Norumbega" for this corner of the country, and they supposedly got the name from the Vikings long before, according to those people who work hard to convince themselves that the Vikings got here before the Native Americans did. Maine also claims to have been the site of the city of Norumbega, and worrying about whether it was in Massachusetts or Maine is like asking who would win in a fight between Luke Skywalker and Wesley Crusher. And of course the Space Vikings from Space Norumbega would kill them both. -- K. And that's all I know about Norumbega, and most of it's probably wrong even though it would still be all untrue even if I got it right. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Something I Like About Gardening: Date: Sat, 17 May 2003 01:31:06 -0400 madge (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > HarCo Industries (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > Subject: Something I Like About Gardening: > > > > Deciding who lives and who dies. > > You are a gardening god. > > If you see any ant that talks or looks like Woody Allen please start the > stomping immediately. What if there's also an ant that talks like Dave Foley? Should we crush them both, or put them in a box and shake it up really hard to see if we can cross-breed them to give birth to the world's first Jewish Canadian? No, wait, William Shatner's Canadian and Jewish. Well, still, I'm sure they'd give birth to something at least as weird as him. But if anyone sees an ant that looks and talks like Potsie from "Happy Days", you need to yell "Hey, look! I'm crushing Antson Williams!" and then crush Tiny Potsie. Be sure to squish him before he can say "Sit on it!" because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to sit on it because an ant told you to. -- K. The Woody Allen ant was red and the Dave Foley ant was blue and I suspect that the people who made knockoffs of "Anaconda" with Wil Wheaton and "The Core" with Wil Wheaton would have done one too if they'd had a green ant suit in his size. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Waiting Room / Depression 13 Date: Sat, 17 May 2003 01:40:53 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > robert lindsay (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > > > but a unemployed genius. and I don't even have any mad science > > theories. I used to have a cape, but it was just black & white. > > ARK CONTEST FOR THE SECOND HALF OF MAY > ====================================== > > Help invent some mad science theories for Robert Lindsay! Dear Robert "Space Is My Middle Name" Lindsay, Enclosed please find some new theories. You can have them because I already have too many. 1. "Blowing up the Earth would be the only way to disprove my theory that we're not living on Earth, we're living on the Sun. So choose one -- blow up the Earth or admit I'm right." 2. "Rabbits have cows inside them. But to see the cows, you have to cut really carefully or it kills the cows and turns them into rabbit guts." 3. "I have discovered a new letter between 'G' and 'H'. It looks exactly like a 'W' but sounds like an 'R', although it can only be heard by people wearing this five-hundred-pound hearing aid that covers their entire body from the waist up and doesn't work if they're wearing pants." 4. "The square root of negative one isn't imaginary, it's just very small, so it has to be written on paper that has more stripes than even college-ruled." 5. "I have a theory that the Nobel Prize is always given to the biggest bozo in the world." -- K. I have lots of capes. What are the rules for deciding which cape to wear to match each theory? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ads before movies Date: Sat, 17 May 2003 02:50:23 -0400 Lothar Kondolian (l_kondolian@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Saw the new Matrix yesterday. It wasn't as bad > as the reviews made it sound, really. > > But: Problem: ads mixed in with trailers before > movies. What the fuck?!??? I paid to sit > there! I will not stand for this. I'm boycotting > every product I'm forced to pay to sit through > ads for before movies. I just canceled my Amex > Blue card. I'll never watch Friends on my local > WB affiliate EVER, and I'm gonna take a whiz in > a bottle of powerade and return it to the shelf > of a local 7-11. Maybe even a dump. You guys > should all do the same, and tell everyone you > know to do the same, too. Yeah, and 'cause of all those product placements in the movie itself, you should also poop on every product that was plugged in the film, even 'nmap'. And you should buy Wil Wheaton's new book. -- K. If I were on "Star Trek", instead of a foam-rubber muscle suit under my uniform, they'd probably make me wear the exact opposite. "Rrr! I am the alien from The Planet Of Concave Biceps!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: That annoying Julius Kibo mailing list thing Date: Tue, 20 May 2003 15:42:39 -0400 "Lots42 The Library Avenger" (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Subject: That annoying Julius Kibo mailing list thing > > Please take me off of it right -now-. > > And don't send me weirdness like that again, thank you very much. I have no idea what you're talking about. Also, I am not the same person as Julius Caesar, even if we have the same birthday and have never been seen together and sometimes dress alike for no reason other than to freak out people who are easily disturbed. I'll drop by your house and ask you what the heck you're talking about. -- K. One difference: I have better taste in women than Julius. Also, I have better hair than Otho, and a smarter horse than Caligula. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pop Psychology Quiz #1 Date: Tue, 20 May 2003 18:32:01 -0400 revjack (revjack@revjack.net) wrote: > > Okay: > > You move into a new house. You like this house. > > This house is the only house on the new street. > > The street hasn't been named yet. New! Street! Smelly dead dinosaur goodness! > > Due to complex municipal rules, YOU get to name the street. > > What do you name the street you live on? You chould call it "Sesame Street" because then you'd never have to have your trash picked up, you could just leave it sitting out front forever as long as there were a big moldy puppet in the trash can. But that answer was too easy, and we must remember that there are no easy answers in life, especially not ones that are too easy. So I'm going to declare that I never said that. > (street, place, lane, avenue, circle, mews, whatever) "Avenue Of The American Gladiators". Then dress up as spandex and whenever any strangers wander onto your street, whack 'em with a big padded stick. (That would have been too easy to say ten years ago, but now it demonstrates my awesome cultural recall of things that were popular over ten years ago. I think the show is actually still on, it's one of those shows that never gets cancelled because nobody cares about it enough to make the network executives aware they haven't cancelled it yet.) -- K. In any case, because you have the only house on the street, you can also pick a house number. I suggest "infinity". Then you can hear the mailman whine about having to walk that far. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sweet barking Monaco forever Date: Tue, 20 May 2003 18:34:02 -0400 [regarding a funny shopping list that Kerri found] talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > N. Gergen (gergen@armory.com) wrote: > > > > talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > > > > > I think kerri should send this shopping list to FOUND magazine, > > > so the entire world can enjoy dog-in-a-can. > > > > Am I too paranoid because I deliberately write my shopping lists as > > vaguely as I can so that if I should happen to lose the list nobody > > would beable to find anything on it to make fun of? > > no, you're not being paranoid *enough*. > > I never write down my shopping lists. this is because I went to a > secret monastery in the himilayas or may be on 16th street where > I was trained in an ancient and powerful mnemonic technique that > makes me a MAN ABOVE OTHER MEN. or, at least, above shopping men. > > the key to this technique is to -- well, of course, I can't tell > you... but I can give you a hint that it involves walking around > muttering to yourself "the HEAD OF LETTUCE leaps from my foot to > the atrium, where it lands on a PACKAGE OF HOT DOGS, but thor the > god of thunder picks up both and cooks them in a pot with CREAM > OF TOMATO SOUP, which bubbles until a raven flies out of the soup > and lands on a ROLL OF TOILET PAPER, which edgar allen poe uses > to STRANGLE THE GUY WHO THOUGHT CARROT TOP SHOULD BE ON TEEVEE." > > but already, I have said too much. All's I can say is that if Found magazine prints six lists this month saying the same wacky thing, it'll prove that people know what to do when they find the ones I've been "accidentally" leaving all over the place. It's part of my master plan. Sooner or later the White Castle corporation will realize that lots of people with the same handwriting love White Castles without the cheese, and they'll start shipping extra cases of them to supermarkets in areas where people have really nice handwriting. -- K. This is why your mnemonic technique is lame, because it can't make OTHER people think about stuff you like. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Said "Peanus Enhancer" on Television Date: Tue, 20 May 2003 19:03:31 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > A reporter from the local FOX news afilliate channel station thingy > place interviewed me yesterday, for a piece on spam and my pending > lawsuit against a Charleston, SC, company that wouldn't stop spamming > me after I asked them nicely to stop. About halfway through the > interview, I heard myself say "peanus enhancer," and immediately > thought, "Oh, hell. They'll never air that." > > Sure enough, I now have a videotape of me saying "peanus enhancer." Big deal. I've been exposing myself to nuns but you don't hear me bragging about it. > Another Highlight: I called spammers "antisocial misfits" because I > drew a blank when trying to recall the word "sociopath." That's better because the Fox audience probably doesn't know the word "sociopath" (they'd think it's some sort of maze around the Kremlin) but the word "misfits" would ring a bell because of that old Rankin-Bass special about the Island Of Misfit Toys. If it was on PBS, you'd have to appeal to the fans of "The Prisoner" by saying "unmutual". > The guy interviewing me reminded me of no one so much as William Hurt > in "Broadcast News." When he would get bored with what I was saying, > his eyes would glaze over and you could quite clearly see that his > mind, in the words of John Hiatt, had gone fishin'. And THAT'S when you should just work the word "peeeeeeeenis" into a sentence where he might not notice it. For instance: "I have filed a lawsuit in superior court peeeeeeeeeeenis." Or: "To deal with spam, I use a program called SpamAssassin which the Canadian peeeeenis government hates." You have to pronounce it with first a rising intonation, then a falling tone, then another rising tone towards the end of the "e"s, in much the same way Brett Somers emphasizes the word "bazoooOOOOOoooooms" on our favorite TV game show. Better yet, just go to the interview with a blue 3x5 card with the word "bazooms" written on it in magic marker and keep holding it up and yelling "DING!" > PS: I also thought they would cut out the part where I said, "I don't > care if you've found a cure for cancer. If I didn't ask for it, it > doesn't belong in my mailbox." They're going to use that in a different show. Well, just the part where you say "I DON'T CARE IF YOU'VE FOUND A CURE FOR CANCER!" three times while the camera slowly zooms in on your face through a dark haze while creepy music plays to warn people to lock up their kids because Fox news thinks someone could be made scary under the right conditions. I'm still upset that when I was on "Chronicle" they only did that a little. I never saw the episode where they interviewed Archie so I have no basis for comparison, but I was expecting to be given the full TV-reporter treatment. I stopped doing interviews (for the most part) because I concluded that reporters (especially in print) tend to just make up quotes and facts in order to write whatever the hell story they want, so unless they can promise me up front that they'll pervert the story into an _interesting_ fabrication I won't talk to them. TV just edits you to make you look like a bozo, but print edits out _everything_ and puts in other stuff. -- K. Incidentally, last night I had a dream that Andy Richter was trying to kill me. That could make a good TV news segment: "Sitcom star tries to murder a local man... but did it really happen?" It would end with an assurance that although it _might_ not have happened, there are two sides to every story, so BEWARE!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I Said "Peanus Enhancer" on Television Date: Tue, 20 May 2003 21:34:30 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I stopped doing interviews (for the most part) because I concluded that > > reporters (especially in print) tend to just make up quotes and facts in > > order to write whatever the hell story they want, > > You got that right. In the newspaper story about my lawsuit, not one > of the quotes attributed to me actually came out of my mouth. They > were close to what I said, but not direct quotes--more like > paraphrases of what I had said. I was tempted to add "and I am picking my nose right now" to your paragraph, but in my journalism class I took an oath to only use my journalistic powers of distortion, innuendo, libel, slander, and fabrication for good, never for evil. Also, I edited out the paragraph where you said you were turned on by Don Adams's bell-bottoms in "The Nude Bomb". Shame on you for saying that. > Also, the factual inaccuracies have a long shelf life. Apparently, the > newspaper article went out over the AP wire and was picked up by a > bunch of papers all over Idaho, each of which dutifully reprinted the > error that I was suing for $100. Now, what kind of bozo would sue for > $100? It's $1000, and I demand a retraction. You should demand ten retractions, because they'll only give you a tenth of what you ask for. Either that, or just sue the AP, and then Reuters will write a very nice article about you. -- K. We could see if we could get Archimedes Plutonium to sue the Associated Press (in his favorite purple or green lawsuit font) so that Reuters can go to town with "AP sues AP!" and then Roddy McDowall can yell "AP must not sue AP!" and then they can drive around a vacant lot in an old school bus. Just out of curiosity, how is it that in those movies, the school bus survived both times the Earth was destroyed by nuclear war? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Mmm, now it tastes like rotting flesh plus bleach! Date: Tue, 20 May 2003 20:53:32 -0400 Another reason I'm glad I live in one of the higher-quality parts of the world, and also, I'm glad I own a Brita pitcher. -> Body in Pipe an Unsavory Addition to Water -> Tue May 20,10:35 AM ET -> -> MANILA (Reuters) - Millions of people in Manila have been drinking -> super-chlorinated water this week as the body of a teenager remained -> stubbornly stuck in a major supply pipe. -> -> Manila Water Co dumped large doses of the disinfectant into a reservoir -> serving the eastern part of the Philippine capital after the young man -> fell into an aqueduct on Saturday while picking fruit. Sadly, some of the fruit also fell in, and the durians counteracted all the disinfectant. -> The company has insisted the water supply is safe as it tries to dislodge -> the body. Health officials agreed that the chances of contamination were -> slight but urged Manila Water to work faster. -> -> "We will have to fish out the body first," Dr Concepcion Quizon, chief -> executive assistant to Health Secretary Manuel Dayrit, told reporters on -> Tuesday. "The public will not feel good or right using the water." Why? It's chlorinated! Everyone loves the taste of chlorine, even without bits of decaying human flesh floating in it! And chlorine plus corpse is twice as good ... HERE ON PLANET EWWWWW! -- K. And over at the Wonka factory, they're still trying to find the fat German kid's corpse. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Cockroach Stigma Date: Tue, 20 May 2003 21:14:58 -0400 Seen on Yahoo News: -> And if You Go on Vacation, You Can Just Squash 'Em -> Mon May 19,11:05 AM ET -> -> By Belinda Goldsmith -> -> CANBERRA (Reuters) - Dog too demanding? Allergic to cats? Then how about -> coming home to a lovable, giant cockroach? -> -> Workers in Australia's pet industry say the demand for insects as pets has -> risen in the past five years because of more cramped living -- and so has -> the number of people befriending cockroaches, with the biggest of the -> species native to Australia. -> -> "Admittedly they are a bit of an unusual pet, but the kids can play with -> them without getting hurt and they are very low maintenance," said John -> Olive, one of the major suppliers of giant cockroaches to the pet market -> within Australia. -> -> "I'm surprised more people don't want them as pets." Yeah, and I'm surprised kids can play with them for more than ten seconds. "Here, kid, play with this giant roach and--" *SQUISH!* "Okay, here's another one to--" *SQUISH!* "Stop that! I only bought you ten and they have to last all day!" -> But roach-lovers are not settling for second best and befriending any of -> the little critters that scuttle around your kitchen at night or the -> offensive brown things with huge wings that fly in when you open the -> balcony door in summer. ...when it's dark on Tuesday except when the player to the dealer's left has two pair, in which case this becomes the rarely-seen "Star Trek" / "Time Tunnel" crossover episode, where giant roaches kill Robert Duvall and escape into the Time Tunnel, coming out on the "Laverne & Shirley" street on the backlot, which this week is a 23rd-century 1930s gangster planet, where Kirk and Spock are challenged by the roaches to a game of Fizzbin with the highest stakes of all, until McCoy says, "Dammit, Jim, just squish 'em!" and Kirk sets the Enterprise's phasers on "squish" to kill them all, except that Spock goes blind, but it turns out that he forgot have a third eyelid that keeps them from going blind so he can see again once he remembers he never could have gone blind. The End. -> They want the world's biggest cockroach, the giant burrowing cockroach or -> rhinoceros cockroach that is native to Australia, and found in the warm, -> northeastern state of Queensland. -> -> "These really are charming creatures. They're clean, they're not stinky at -> all and there really is nothing horrible about them except for the name -> cockroach," Sue Hasenpusch, from another supplier, the Australian Insect -> Farm, told Reuters. -> -> These gigantic cockroaches, officially called Macropanesthia Rhinoceros, -> grow as big as the palm of a hand, measuring about three inches and -> weighing just over an ounce. They are also known to live up to 10 years. -> -> Huge and shiny with spiky legs, they can be kept in a medium sized tank -> with four to five inches of sandy soil at room temperature, surviving on -> dry eucalyptus or gum tree leaves. Yeah, they can be kept at room temperature, which makes them so much better than all those other pets you have to keep in a pottery kiln or tank of liquid helium. -> They don't seem to mind handling and some cockroach owners even say their -> animal hisses softly when stroked. -> -> Animal trainer Steve Austin, who has kept giant cockroaches, said they -> were quite clever animals, wingless and slow moving. Yes, but do they make rattling noises while they run in slow motion even though only one of their five legs is bionic, and do they get orders from a guy whose action figure has an exploding briefcase? -> Within seven days, he managed to train a group of cockroaches to come when -> they were called, climbing over small obstacles and through a hoop, to -> reach some food six feet away. -> -> "They certainly won't be greeting you at the door with a newspaper in -> their mouth like a dog, but they can respond as a pet as much as a fish, -> coming when called," Austin told Reuters. The Six Million Dollar Man must be on some serious bionic drugs if he thinks he has Aquaman's power to make fish come when called. -> "They have a certain intelligence and they are getting quite well known as -> pets now although it is still a new thing." -> -> He brushed aside suggestions these giant cockroaches were dirty in any way -> or spread disease -- unlike some of their smaller cousins who thrive in -> sewers and rubbish tips. -> -> "They're no dirtier than a domestic rat or mouse," he said. That's why people keep paying Orkin to come to their houses and put rats in! -> Fans of giant cockroaches are quick to distance themselves from the -> household pests and some pet shops rename them litter bugs, rain beetles -> or macrobugs to escape the cockroach stigma. Ah, yes, Robert Ludlum's latest novel: "The Cockroach Stigma". This reminds me of that city that tried to beautify itself by holding a contest to come up with the prettiest synonym for "sewage". I could invent ten thousand highly-marketable new names for cockroaches right now, but I won't bother, because I'm all pooped out. -- K. Okay, I'll just list the first ten: roostereefers funbugs six-legged ravioli squishems creepy huggies verminotaurs heel-size footsnacks bugaloons very special vermin crunchy cushions ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Graham Garden Date: Tue, 20 May 2003 21:49:45 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > That British scientist who invented Beagle 2, Colin Pillinger, > is that actually Graham Garden? I don't know who you're talking about, unless you're referring to a geneticist who secretly cross-bred Graeme Garden of "The Goodies" (the one who looked like Isaac Asimov except silly) with Graham Chapman of "Monty Python" (the gayest one) to get this Graham Garden person. And I don't know what "Beagle 2" is unless it's the starship which Charles Darwin was trying to fly to Alpha Centauri until that evil stowaway, Dr. Lamarck, sent it off course, leaving them marooned on a flat-floored cardboard planet at the mercy of an unending series of guest stars wearing wetsuits with stuff glued on, with only the precocious little boy and the sassy robot to ward off the monsters. I would guess that Colin Pillinger is a cross between Colin Baker from "Doctor Who" and John Dillinger (the Ned Kelly of the civilized world) but then that could be linked to the "Doctor Who" audio drama that just came out with Bill Oddie of "The Goodies" which would result in the Colin Baker / John Dillinger person being a close relative of the Graeme Garden / Graham Chapman person, and that would get confusing, so I'll just ask you to pretend that Tim Brooke-Taylor is Tim Allen as "Tim Taylor" on "Home Improvement" and we won't even try to work "Not The Nine O'Clock News" into this even though it contained Pamela Stephenson who was on "Space: 1999" and may or may not have been a cross between Skip Stephenson from "Real People" and Pamela Anderson from "Baywatch" and also if Darth Vader married Ella Fitzgerald he'd be Darth Fitzgerald. So please stop talking about things I don't know anything about. -- K. Of course, I do know everything about almost everything else, except why nobody has ever pointed out that Rich Hall was just a cheap imitation Rowan Atkinson. Incidentally, Rowan Atkinson of "Not The Nine O'Clock News" was in the "Doctor Who" parody "The Curse Of Fatal Death" even though he wasn't one of the Goodies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Grocery Store: Working to make sure you don't die Date: Fri, 23 May 2003 01:14:03 -0400 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > I saw an odd sight at the grocery store. Since I had taken an Ultram > it took me a moment to figure things out. They had stacked soda containers > (the twelve pack fridge/fitting ones) up very, very high next to the very > last cash register. > > This looked unstable so I pointed it out. A friendly employee informed > me that (A) nobody ever uses the cash register so if it falls, no deaths > and (B) it's supposed to be an American flag. > > Granted, painkiller drugs and all but using grey boxes to make an > American flag doesn't really work. That wasn't the American flag. That was the USAir flag. The American flag is just a red "A" being molested by a blue "A", which is why they had to change the New York City bus logo to that thing in the hole to make it clear that the buses were really a subway and not planes. Speaking of grocery stores etc.: I mentioned about two years ago that they had been dynamiting cliffs around the corner from my apartment. They're still building the plaza there. It's going to eventually have a supermarket, but I don't know if it will be a Star/Shaw's (there's already one within walking distance) or a Stop & Shop (there's already one within walking-too-far distance.) But the Walgreen's drug store (which replaces the temporary miniature Walgreen's which replaced the Brooks drugstore) is now open. However, when they dynamite the cliffs, it made this huge pile of rubble, which they didn't remove from the area -- they just piled it up on top of the cliffs. So there's this huge mountain of jagged boulders at one end of the block (precariously balanced uphill from the new plaza -- I want to see what happens the next time we have an earthquake) and another two sides are blocked by the construction so to get to the Walgreen's I have to walk all the way around this giant block that has rocks that want to kill me. I bought a bottle of vitamins shaped like gummi bears, and for some reason they included a free deck of tiny playing cards which can only be used for "Old Maid" (due to the presence of wacky cartoon stereotypes instead of suits and numbers) and I'm not sure, but I think this might be the lamest possible way to get kids to enjoy nutrition. "Now, Junior, if you don't take your candy-based vitamin, I won't let you play this highly specific card game even if you're already holding the tweezers you'll need for these cards." Or maybe the approach is supposed to be, "You can't have a candy-based vitamin UNLESS you play this card game which is so boring that it must be educational." Then I went to the Star/Shaw's half a mile away, and they had exciting new Spanish-language Kool-Aid packets! The flavors are "Jamaica" (red) and "Tamarindo". That's right, there is a tamarind- flavor Kool-Aid. And it's the color you'd expect Tamarind-flavor Kool-Aid to be -- fluorescent brown! Well, actually, I haven't rehydrated it yet, but the picture on the package shows a glass of bright tan liquid, and in any case, I'm sure it will taste brown. It might be better than that repulsive Jarritos tamarind soda, but still, it's a flavor that's so inherently icky that not even the Kool-Aid company could figure out how to make it a pretty color. Sid Krofft: "This artificial raspberry flavor tastes like windshield wiper fluid!" Marty Krofft: "That's because it IS windshield wiper fluid! But the kids won't care, because it's such a pretty shade of blue!" Sid Krofft: "Yeah, but what do we do about this tamarind stuff?" Marty Krofft: "Oh, I don't care, let it stay brown. We're only marketing it to fool the Hispanic community into thinking we love them and care about them. 'Cause they'd say we were racists if we didn't even try to get their kids addicted to this tooth-rotting brain-addling chemical-laced sugar water." -- K. To avoid being sued by the same people who won against McDonalds, let me just say that Sid & Marty Krofft are wholly fictional. However, this conversation actually took place: (Scene: Interior Green Line trolley.) Driver (voice-over): "We are going express. Next stop, subway." Person 1: "Where's Subway?" Person 2: "Where it goes underground. The train trolley, not the surface trolley." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kookie Monster. Date: Fri, 23 May 2003 01:16:34 -0400 gorski (gorski@special.special.vnet.net) wrote: > > K is for Kibo, that's good enough for me, > 'Cause Kibo, Kibo, Kibo DOESN'T RHYME, DAMMIT! Yeah, and K is also the hardest letter to make with your genuine Sesame Street Brand Letter Bender that was included with that album. X was also a problem. But it was still a value-added feature because you could clean your pipe with it, assuming you were a four-year-old who smoked. So you see, about a thousand years ago, give or take a few dozen centuries, there were these Space Vikings who were fighting the Land Vikings for control of Norway. The leader of the Space Vikings, the benevolent and munificent Kibo, was engaged in fierce battle against the scummy Land Vikings, and his army was having trouble beating them because he was so benevolent and munificent. Kibo stood shoulder-to-shoulder with his master archer, Einar, who drew back his longbow in preparation to shoot the leader of the Land Vikings, Horned Bob Hope. But one of Bob Hope's minions loosed an arrow which struck the shaft of Einar's bow as he was drawing it taught, and Einar's bow went "KABLAM!" and burst into a shower of what appeared to be ten handfuls of dry linguine. Kibo turned to Einar and asked, "Pray tell, what hath burst so loudly?" and the war paused for a moment so that Einar could say most dramatically, "Norway... from thine hands." But Kibo would have none of it. "Here, thou shalt continue the fight with my own bow," he said to Einar as he unfolded his royal pocket bow. But it had been in the pocket of his robe for too long, with eighteen gummi bears stuck to it, and had become rather moist. Einar notched an arrow into the little bow and gently pulled back on the sinew, but the entire bow stretched like damp chewing gum, and the arrow fell to the ground. "IT'S TOO MOIST!" yelled Einar, "THE KING'S BOW IS TOO MOIST!" and so Kibo cried, "A BOW! MY KINGDOM FOR A DRY BOW!" Then they and everyone else who saw this happen were massacred, and then later someone who said he saw it made up a twenty-thousand-line poem which rhymed "Kibo" with "dry bow" ten thousand times. -- K. I have a theory that the REAL TRUTH behind the saga of Olaf and Einar is that after Olaf jumped over the side of the boat, when he sank straight to the bottom in his chain mail, he didn't drown, he just walked to Boston to start an abandoned amusement park. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Diane... Date: Fri, 23 May 2003 02:44:56 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Jeremy Impson (jdimpson@acm.org) wrote: > > > > I am holding in my hands a small box of chocolate bunnies. > > If you luv something, let it melt. If it doesn't resolidify from its > gelatinous-dodecahedron state, it was never yours to begin with, Dear Jodie Foster, You flew your giant time-travelling gelatinous dodecahedron into my peanut butter! Also, why the hell didn't you call 9-1-1 when you opened the door of the panic room to get the insulin? I don't think we should send you on any more space dodecahedron trips because if you get stranded on an alien planet you might not be bright enough to call 9-1-1. So instead we're going to send William Shatner. He's got lots of spaceflight experience and he was the host of "Rescue 9-1-1" and also his hairpiece can stop meteors better than any deflector shield. And next time, we're not just having Tucker Smallwood operate the giant dodecahedron-dropping gizmo, we're bringing in the rest of the cast of "Jabberwocky", especially Dirty Frank. "Dis sure is da biggest dodecahydrant what I ever saw!" Then they'd go to a planet where tiny peanuts chase them around while yelling "GIBBER GIBBER GIBBER", and then a hippo will say "tweet", and finally the aliens will impart the secret of how cardboard boxes are made as they all go on a long tour of the planet where cardboard boxes are made. But the chair inside the dodecahedron will get crushed against the ceiling because it's not wearing underwear. -- K. Leah, please explain how this all makes perfect sense so they don't think the two of us are completely insane. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Diane... Date: Fri, 23 May 2003 19:01:58 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Jeremy Impson (jdimpson@acm.org) wrote: > > > > I am holding in my hands a small box of chocolate bunnies. > > If you luv something, let it melt. If it doesn't resolidify from its > gelatinous-dodecahedron state, it was never yours to begin with, Dear Jodie Foster, You flew your giant time-travelling gelatinous dodecahedron into my peanut butter! Also, why the hell didn't you call 9-1-1 when you opened the door of the panic room to get the insulin? I don't think we should send you on any more space dodecahedron trips because if you get stranded on an alien planet you might not be bright enough to call 9-1-1. So instead we're going to send William Shatner. He's got lots of spaceflight experience and he was the host of "Rescue 9-1-1" and also his hairpiece can stop meteors better than any deflector shield. And next time, we're not just having Tucker Smallwood operate the giant dodecahedron-dropping gizmo, we're bringing in the rest of the cast of "Jabberwocky", especially Dirty Frank. "Dis sure is da biggest dodecahydrant what I ever saw!" Then they'd go to a planet where tiny peanuts chase them around while yelling "GIBBER GIBBER GIBBER", and then a hippo will say "tweet", and finally the aliens will impart the secret of how cardboard boxes are made as they all go on a long tour of the planet where cardboard boxes are made. But the chair inside the dodecahedron will get crushed against the ceiling because it's not wearing underwear. -- K. Leah, please explain how this all makes perfect sense so they don't think I'm completely insane. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Real Names Style Question Date: Fri, 23 May 2003 02:46:18 -0400 John D. F. Stone (jdfs@softhome.net) wrote: > > There are probably some experts on style in this newsgroup. > > "John Stone" is a common name. There's one in rec.arts.tv. There's a > John D. Stone who has posted to alt.religion.mormon and a John David > Stone who has posted to comp.lang.scheme. There are at least two > Sheriffs named John Stone, but I don't think either is on UseNet. > > When I replied to John rec.arts.tv Stone, I demonstrated my unsameness > by using the name "John D. F. Stone", but now I'm unsure of how to > format it. > > John D. F. Stone > John D.F. Stone > John D F Stone > John DF Stone > J.D.F. Stone > JDF Stone > etc. > > (You can tell me to call myself "etc.", but you will not win.) If I were you, I'd call myself "John 'Lenny' Stone" just so that I could keep calling the other guy "John 'Squiggy' Stone". If you did that a few thousand times it might catch on, or at least drive him to change his real name to get you to stop. In case you don't like the whole "Lenny & Squiggy" thing, you could use a completely different pair of fictional characters. For instance, "John 'Laverne' Stone" and "John 'Shirley' Stone". > [...] > > I don't want to call myself something silly like "A Bug Goo". Yeah, it would be better to choose a name that would get more respect, like "THE Bug Goo". -- K. I still want to know why not one person in the whole phone book is named Captain Super Diaper Baggy Dimples Six The Second. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Real Names Style Question Date: Fri, 23 May 2003 19:13:38 -0400 John D. F. Stone (jdfs@softhome.net) wrote: > > There are probably some experts on style in this newsgroup. > > "John Stone" is a common name. There's one in rec.arts.tv. There's a > John D. Stone who has posted to alt.religion.mormon and a John David > Stone who has posted to comp.lang.scheme. There are at least two > Sheriffs named John Stone, but I don't think either is on UseNet. > > When I replied to John rec.arts.tv Stone, I demonstrated my unsameness > by using the name "John D. F. Stone", but now I'm unsure of how to > format it. > > John D. F. Stone > John D.F. Stone > John D F Stone > John DF Stone > J.D.F. Stone > JDF Stone > etc. > > (You can tell me to call myself "etc.", but you will not win.) If I were you, I'd call myself "John 'Lenny' Stone" just so that I could keep calling the other guy "John 'Squiggy' Stone". If you did that a few thousand times it might catch on, or at least drive him to change his real name to get you to stop. In case you don't like the whole "Lenny & Squiggy" thing, you could use a completely different pair of fictional characters. For instance, "John 'Laverne' Stone" and "John 'Shirley' Stone". > [...] > > I don't want to call myself something silly like "A Bug Goo". Yeah, it would be better to choose a name that would get more respect, like "THE Bug Goo". -- K. I still want to know why not one person in the whole phone book is named Captain Super Diaper Baggy Dimples Six The Second. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: something I really like about a.r.k Date: Mon, 26 May 2003 18:18:49 -0400 Last week, I claimed I was exposing myself to nuns, and not one person took it seriously (or if they did, they didn't say anything.) And also not one person thought it was a weird lie (or if they did, they didn't try to top it.) So, the conclusion I reach is that a.r.k is the only place were the practice of flashing nuns is commonplace but not serious. One of the great things about a.r.k is that a.r.k is a place where it just doesn't matter what nuns are looking at. Another one of the great things about a.r.k is that nobody seems to have made fun of that news story last week where some congressman claimed that Michael Jackson visited him wearing a Spider-Man mask to complain that there weren't enough Taco Bells in town. I really appreciate that nobody stooped to making light of that serious incident, and I call dibs on doing so. -- K. Also, does anyone know the name of that convent across the street from my window? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Stan The Blue Man is back! Date: Mon, 26 May 2003 18:40:23 -0400 Mark Hill alerted me to this item in the Billings (Montana) Gazette: -> Libertarian may run again -> -> Gazette State Bureau -> -> HELENA -- Libertarian Stan Jones of Bozeman said Tuesday he is strongly -> considering running for governor next year. -> -> "I'm going to do a little more exploring," he said. "Right now, all -> indications are that I will run. I need to see how much support I -> can get." Dear Stan Jones of Bozeman, The only support you ever got was support in the form of "we're pointing at you and laughing because you were stupid enough to permanently dye yourself light blue." Then you went on TV and talked to the reporter from "The Daily Show" who made fun of how blue you are. Then, months later, you called a press conference to deny that you were ever blue, and claimed that all the photos of you being blue were fake, although you didn't say how all those TV interviews were done. So now, if you want any more support, you'll have to dye yourself bluer, and then deny it even harder. -> He ran as a Libertarian candidate for governor in 2000, getting 2 percent -> of the vote, and as the party's standard-bearer for the U.S. Senate in -> 2002, polling 3 percent, despite spending very little money. -> -> Jones gained national attention as a U.S. Senate candidate in 2002 because -> his skin had turned blue-gray. Jones began taking colloidal silver, a -> natural anti-bacterial of silver, in 1999 because he feared the -> disruptions from Y2K might put the supplement in short supply because of -> what some feared would be a worldwide disruption of computer systems. His platform of "I'd better poison myself because computers might cause bacteria someday" is certainly original. So between him and Joe Biden, who was mainly famous for plagiarizing speeches from other politicians, I'd have to vote for... oh... um... can I write in Bubbles The Chimp? -> Jones said he hopes he will be able to participate in all televised -> debates. In the 2002 Senate race, Baucus refused to participate in -> televised debates unless all four candidates, including the two minor -> party ones, got to take part. "We've combined Jim Backus with the hearty taste of back bacon to bring you delicious Baucus, a Montana-only regional breakfast treat. From the same folks who brought Massachusetts the hearty flavor of Saugus, the cross between sausage and fungus." -> Born near Bozeman, Jones, 64, graduated from Montana State University and -> went into the U.S. Air Force, serving in Europe and Vietnam before -> retiring as a lieutenant colonial. He worked in the shipbuilding industry -> in Seattle. Jones has owned his own businesses and taught classes for the -> University of Washington, UCLA and MSU. ...and never once learned that three zeroes in a row on a calendar doesn't mean you should drink toxic metals. But still, I'm impressed that he helped defend the Galactica from those Cylon Base Stars as a Colonial Lieutenant. (Good work, reporter. Don't dye yourself any stupid colors, okay?) -- K. What a bluetard! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The Special Show! Episode #9: The Pickle Episode! (new) Date: Mon, 26 May 2003 22:50:23 -0400 I just wrote this because inspiration struck. It has all the usual tropes from "The Special Show!" because I know exactly what you people like. I also put the previous episode (Halloween 2001, all about anthrax) on my Web site ( http://www.kibo.com/kibofic#special ) in case you forgot how wonderful its celebration of anthrax was. Yay for anthrax, pickles, Einstein, superheroes, and/or Vikings! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Kibo presents ------------------------- THE!!! SPECIAL!!! SHOW!!! ------------------------- "The Pickle Episode!" broadcast on May 26, 2003 (C) Copyright 2003 James "Kibo" Parry FADE IN. (We are in an insane asylum. Everything is covered with white padding. A NURSE, who looks like a female version of 400-pound Gerard Depardieu, wheels in a white plastic TV set on a rolling cart. She stops the cart so it is facing sideways -- we can't see the TV screen.) NURSE (talking to the camera) You were very good today and you ate all your applesauce. So now you get to watch "The Special Show". (She switches on the TV.) CUT TO: (A Viking ship on the high seas. Our host, KIBO, is standing on the prow, in a fur cape and horned helmet.) KIBO (to the camera) Hello, I'm Kibo, and welcome to "The Special Show", the only TV show produced exclusively for people who are special and/or very special. (The ship's STENOGRAPHER looks up from her keyboard.) STENOGRAPHER (to Kibo) Does "and slash or" count as one word or two? KIBO I get paid by the word, don't I? STENOGRAPHER Two, then. KIBO Please read that back. STENOGRAPHER The nurse said, "You were very good today and you ate all your applesauce. So now you get to watch 'The Special Show'." Then she turned on the TV but it was facing away from us so that we don't know if you're supposed to be on the TV screen or if you just happen to be sailing this Viking ship around somewhere else at the same time that the nurse was turning on the TV. In other words, it's unclear whether you're fictional or real relative to the asylum. KIBO Good, that will confuse people who think too much. (to the camera) Tonight's episode may shock you. It may inform you. It may even be something that nobody will understand but you. Now, listen closely to the announcer. CUT TO: (BLACK SCREEN) ANNOUNCER (voice-over) The following is a true story. CUT TO: (EINSTEIN is writing on a pad of paper while seated at a small desk. There is a loud fart noise. He looks into the camera.) EINSTEIN (proudly) I farted! CUT TO: (BLACK SCREEN) ANNOUNCER (voice-over) The following is also true. CUT TO: (A CLOWN is riding a penny-farthing bicycle down the street. He waves at us. The bicycle is towing a little red wagon filled with human skulls.) CUT TO: (BLACK SCREEN) ANNOUNCER (voice-over) And following is true. CUT TO: (Close-up of CHIMP screeching, seen through a window in something green and lumpy. With a whoosh, CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that the chimp is inside a pickle inside a plastic wrapper marked "CHIMP IN A PICKLE, 25c".) CUT TO: (BLACK SCREEN) ANNOUNCER (voice-over) And that is why you should never believe your TV when it tells you something is a true story. (pause) The following is a true story. CUT TO: (Interior of an office. A CONGRESSMAN is sitting behind a huge desk. A small sign on the desk reads "LOCAL CONGRESSMAN".) (In the corridor, MICHAEL JACKSON enters. He is wearing his shiny red Panamanian dictator outfit, with the gold-plated codpiece and one rhinestone glove. He puts on a Spider-Man mask and enters the office.) CONGRESSMAN Who are you? MICHAEL JACKSON I'm Michael Jackson, and I want you to build more Taco Bells near here. CONGRESSMAN Okay. (MICHAEL JACKSON exits. SPIDER-MAN swings in through the window. He puts on a Michael Jackson mask.) CONGRESSMAN Who are you? SPIDER-MAN I'm Spider-Man -- excuse me, I mean I'm Michael Jackson -- and I want you to ban Taco Bell. CONGRESSMAN Okay. (SPIDER-MAN takes off his mask.) CONGRESSMAN Wait a minute, you're not Michael Jackson, you're The Amazing Spider-Man! (SUPERMAN enters, smashing through a wall.) SUPERMAN And I'm Superman! CONGRESSMAN Holy cow! At last we can answer the question, "Who would win in a fight between Spider-Man and Superman?" ANNOUNCER (voice-over) Yes, who would win in a fight between Spider-Man and Superman? SUPERMAN I can bend steel in my bare hands! CUT TO: (FUZZY-EDGED FLASHBACK) (At the beach, SUPERMAN picks up a submarine and ties it into a balloon animal, then tosses it to a woman in a bikini, crushing her.) CUT TO: (Office, continued) SPIDER-MAN I can make string! (He squirts some limp string onto the floor.) SUPERMAN I can kill people just by looking at them! CUT TO: (FUZZY-EDGED FLASHBACK) (SUPERMAN and a BURGLAR -- who is wearing a striped shirt and domino mask and is holding a bag of cash in each hand -- are standing a block apart. SUPERMAN looks at the BURGLAR. A red line is drawn between them for a tenth of a second. It goes "beep". The BURGLAR's entire body bursts into flame and he rolls around screaming while SUPERMAN watches.) CUT TO: (Office, continued) SPIDER-MAN I can make string with BOTH hands! (He squirts two jets of string onto the floor.) SUPERMAN I am completely invulnerable and indestructible! CUT TO: (FUZZY-EDGED FLASHBACK) (SUPERMAN is in Paris) GENDARME Superman! Ze Eiffel Tower, she is going to explode! SUPERMAN (pushing him aside) Stand back, Frenchy! (SUPERMAN grabs one leg of the tower, lifts the whole tower, and shoves it up his butt. It disappears inside him. There is a muffled "bang".) SUPERMAN (being cool) Eh, I could do that all day. CUT TO: (Office, continued) SPIDER-MAN My mask has sunglasses built in. SUPERMAN I can lift up the entire Earth and hurl it into the Sun. CUT TO: (FUZZY-EDGED FLASHBACK) (SUPERMAN bends over and grabs the Earth. He lifts it up, twirls it above his head, and hurls it into the Sun. SUPERMAN is left standing in outer space. He points at the Sun and laughs.) CUT TO: (Office, continued) SPIDER-MAN My unitard has lines on it. SUPERMAN Oh, heck with it, I'll just crush your head and turn it into a diamond. CONGRESSMAN (boredly) I've seen you do that trick before. SUPERMAN A baseball diamond. (He squeezes SPIDER-MAN's head, and there is a crunching sound and smoke comes out, and lo and behold, his head turns into a tiny baseball park, complete with tiny players playing the World Series.) (MICHAEL JACKSON pokes his head in through the door.) MICHAEL JACKSON Hey, has anybody seen my chimp? I think I left him in a pickle. (EINSTEIN also appears in the doorway.) EINSTEIN Excuse me, but I farted. In a pickle. CUT TO: (The screeching CHIMP is still behind the window in the pickle, but now he's waving his hands in front of his face because of the swirling yellow vapor inside the pickle. CAMERA PULLS BACK to show the clown on the bicycle riding up to the pickle. He opens the front of the pickle like a door and gets inside with the chimp. He pulls down a roller shade to cover the window. The shade says "DO NOT DISTURB". The theme from "Love Story" begins to play.) CUT TO: (Office, continued) CONGRESSMAN This is starting to get a little weird. SUPERMAN Yeah, and I'm tired of baseball. I think I'll crush his head into something else. (SUPERMAN crushes SPIDER-MAN's head again. It turns into a TV set. The screen fills with static for a moment and then displays the title, "THE SPECIAL SHOW".) ANNOUNCER (voice-over, on TV) THE!!! SPECIAL!!! SHOW!!! CONGRESSMAN I don't think we're allowed to watch that. Only very special people are allowed to watch "The Special Show". SUPERMAN Then why isn't anyone stopping us? CONGRESSMAN (close-up) I don't know. They're letting us watch for some reason... (CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that the CONGRESSMAN is in a straitjacket in a padded cell. SUPERMAN is there too, in a red and blue straitjacket fastened with glowing green Kryptonite bicycle locks. The TV set is sitting on the floor, with SPIDER-MAN's empty leotard attached to the bottom of it.) SUPERMAN Hey, Spider-Man escaped. CONGRESSMAN I guess that means he wins! (CAMERA PULLS BACK through a window and is now outside the padded cell. Two PSYCHIATRISTS are taking notes on clipboards.) FIRST PSYCHIATRIST Looks like we caught another two. SECOND PSYCHIATRIST And we got a free TV set. FIRST PSYCHIATRIST Can I take that empty unitard home for my kids? SECOND PSYCHIATRIST Sure, why not? Spider-Man doesn't need it -- he's just a fictional character. (SUPERMAN puts his face up to the window.) SUPERMAN Hey, let us out! (EINSTEIN's face also appears in the window.) EINSTEIN Fart number three! (The CLOWN rides his bike through the corridor past the padded cell. He is still towing the little red wagon, but instead of a pile of human skulls, KIBO is sitting in the wagon. KIBO gets out and the clown rides away.) KIBO I'd just like to take a moment to say that although this entire episode has been claimed to be a true story, it was only partly true, and in should in no way be held against the excellent quality of television journalism. And now, the news. CUT TO: (TV news broadcast. The two ANCHORS are shuffling stacks of papers and tapping them against the desk to square them up. The FIRST ANCHOR looks at the SECOND ANCHOR and thumps the papers against the desk very hard. The SECOND ANCHOR looks back and thumps the papers harder. They go back and forth a few times until the FIRST ANCHOR smashes the desk. He jumps to his feet and starts running around in circles with his fists over his head.) FIRST ANCHOR I win! I win! SECOND ANCHOR Our top story tonight... A traffic accident has killed over five hundred billion people. We go live to the scene of the accident. (The two ANCHORS walk out the door. CAMERA FOLLOWS them down the street. They walk across town. They keep walking for eighty minutes. Every moment of it is shown. They arrive at a stretch of pavement with a red "X" painted on it.) FIRST ANCHOR We have arrived at the scene where the accident was. SECOND ANCHOR And now, back to the studio. (They walk back to the TV studio. It takes another eighty minutes. They arrive just as two sweaty TEAMSTERS are pushing a new newsdesk into place, and they take their seats behind it.) FIRST ANCHOR This is the fourth desk used in tonight's episode of "The Special Show". SECOND ANCHOR It must be the show's main recurring theme. EINSTEIN (popping out of a desk drawer) I farted! MICHAEL JACKSON (in another drawer) I like Taco Bell! EINSTEIN Ay chihuahua! FIRST ANCHOR And now, the camera will pull back to reveal that this all takes place inside a giant pickle. SECOND ANCHOR Because, after all, the whole world is a pickle, and we're all chimps. MICHAEL JACKSON You don't look like chimps. EINSTEIN And this TV news studio doesn't look like the kind of TV news studio made entirely out of pickle guts. FIRST ANCHOR Camera will pull back now. SECOND ANCHOR Camera will pull back now. (A pause -- nothing happens.) EINSTEIN Sorry, we have to stop the show. I ran out of farts. (The ANCHORS and MICHAEL JACKSON groan and walk off the set. EINSTEIN climbs out of the desk drawer. He walks over to the camera and addresses it directly.) EINSTEIN It was a bad idea to base an entire episode on the idea that I, Albert Einstein, fart constantly. After all, I, Albert Einstein, fart no more often than any other great scientist. (STEPHEN HAWKING zips past in a wheelchair making a constant fart noise.) EINSTEIN See what I mean? Also, I don't get why the clown had all those skulls. It would have been funnier with just one skull. (He pulls a skull out of his pocket and holds it up. It has a little signpost attached to it saying "BOB HOPE'S SKULL". BOB HOPE enters. His head is all limp and floppy.) BOB HOPE Hey, give me back my skull. EINSTEIN Okay, I guess you're old enough to have it. (He hands BOB HOPE his own skull. BOB HOPE looks at it and is startled by what he sees. CAMERA ZOOMS IN on one eye socket of the skull and inside is the screaming CHIMP.) BOB HOPE (freaked out) Eww! (He hurls the skull to the floor, smashing it. Then he squirts string all over it from his wrists.) EINSTEIN Wait a moment -- I've got it! BOB HOPE What? (EINSTEIN lifts his leg and farts very loudly. Instantly, CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that everything we've seen is inside a pickle in a plastic packet marked "WORLD IN A PICKLE, 25c". A hand reaches into frame and unwraps the pickle. We see that it is KIBO. He takes a bite out of the pickle.) KIBO (with his mouth full) I hope you've enjoyed the show so far, and learned something too. And now, a further exploration of the nature of the Universe, styled as a lesson in mathematical topology. CUT TO: (The rolling hills of the English countryside) ANNOUNCER (voice-over) What would "The Benny Hill Show" be like if the Universe were a Mšbius strip? ("Yakety Sax" plays while several women in their underwear chase a fat guy across the field at triple speed. They exit out of the left edge of the frame and re-enter at the right edge, but now they are all inside out. They fall down in the middle of the field and flop around aimlessly.) ANNOUNCER (voice-over) Ladies and gentlemen, "The Benny Hill Show" has been cancelled because Benny Hill got turned inside-out again. Now back to "The Special Show". CUT TO: (KIBO finishes eating the pickle) KIBO Well, we've all learned several things today. First, that the Universe may or may not be a pickle, and second, that the Universe may or may not be a Mšbius strip. In either case, it's always great to see Benny Hill doing what he does best, which is running around inside-out. And we've also learned that in a fight between two Spider-Man and Superman, there would be no real winners. They should forget their differences and team up to host a talk show. CUT TO: (SPIDER-MAN and SUPERMAN are sitting in chairs on a talk show set.) SUPERMAN Tonight's topic: Who's gayer, Batman or Robin? SPIDER-MAN Hmm... it depends. Do you mean the animated Batman or the Adam West Batman? SUPERMAN The classical Batman. SPIDER-MAN The "Batman" of Petronius? That was plenty gay. SUPERMAN I think you're thinking of the "Satyricon" of Petronius. SPIDER-MAN Oh. Well, what was the title of that two-thousand-year-old Latin story about Batman and Robin having a wild gay orgy? SUPERMAN I don't know. I don't read stupid comic books. SPIDER-MAN (turning to the camera) That's right, and neither should you. Reading comic books will make you stupid! CUT TO: (EINSTEIN is at his desk. He picks up a comic book and starts reading it. Immediately he becomes an idiot, and begins waving his arms around and drooling.) EINSTEIN Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (EINSTEIN drops dead. The two PSYCHIATRISTS rush in and check his pulse.) FIRST PSYCHIATRIST He's dead. SECOND PSYCHIATRIST He seems to have suffered from a fatal case of ruptured innards. FIRST PSYCHIATRIST Sadly, he became so stupid he forgot how to fart. SECOND PSYCHIATRIST We'll have to dispose of that comic book without looking at it or touching it. But how? FIRST PSYCHIATRIST I know! I've got Silly Putty! (He pulls a large wad of Silly Putty out of his pocket and covers the comic book with it.) SECOND PSYCHIATRIST That stuff doesn't really work. If it really did take pictures from comics, there wouldn't be any pictures left on the comics. It only works in the TV commercials. FIRST PSYCHIATRIST Yes, but we're on TV, so everything will work just as well as in TV commercials. (He peels the putty off and shows that it now has a reversed picture of the comic book, and the comic book is now blank.) SECOND PSYCHIATRIST Wait a minute... there are no commercials for Silly Putty! (With a "ding", the picture disappears from the Silly Putty and reappears on the comic book.) BOTH PSYCHIATRISTS (together) Augh! We looked at it! Duhhhhhh! Duhhhhhhhhhh! Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (They flail their arms and drool. CAMERA PULLS BACK through a window to show that the two PSYCHIATRISTS are in a padded cell, and two NAPOLEONS are looking in.) FIRST NAPOLEON Ze stoopeed psychiatrists! SECOND NAPOLEON Now zey are dumbair that evair! FIRST NAPOLEON Hey, what eez zat string? (He grabs a tiny red fiber sticking out of the floor and pulls. One of the walls unzips and falls away, revealing the highly-magnified inside of a pickle.) BOTH NAPOLEONS (together) Augh! Ze episode, it ees coming true! (The CLOWN on the bike enters, towing a wagon containing EINSTEIN, the CHIMP, and MICHAEL JACKSON wearing a Spider-Man mask.) CLOWN This has been a true story. And now, the big ending. (CAMERA FOLLOWS the CLOWN as he and his passengers ride past the edge of the corridor set, past various TV cameras and lights and the two TEAMSTERS, and then beyond that stuff there is blackness, so that as they past the last of the cameras and lights the bike falls off the edge of the Earth. The CLOWN, EINSTEIN, the CHIMP, and MICHAEL JACKSON scream as they fall to infinity. They dwindle to dots and disappear into solid blackness. CAMERA PANS back to the TV studio.) KIBO That was tonight's episode of "The Special Show". And now, a documentary about how pickles are made. CUT TO: (Grainy, scratchy, washed-out eight-millimeter film footage of an assembly line. Green sludge is being poured into a big machine which is stamping out pickles that go down a conveyor belt. We watch pickles going past for several hours.) FADE OUT. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -- K. I can't believe I called dibs on Michael Jackson just for this. What was I thinking? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.exploding.kibo,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: On Talking 30 Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 27 May 2003 03:09:22 -0400 In alt.exploding.kibo, "Myself" (ujadulzu@tiadskxt.com) spammed: > > On Talking > > You talk when you cease to be at peace with your neighbors the nuns across the street, because you pose naughtily in a manner that gives them ever-so sinful > thoughts; and when you can no longer dwell in the apartment because the nuns called the police, you have to sleep in an abandoned car in your own filth and the > solitude of your heart you live in your lips and sound like David Doyle with strep throat because you put your lips on the car because it was cramped and this new disease > is a diversion and a pastime. Also you can stretch out by putting both feet into the glove box if you don't have all ten toes any more. > And in much of your talking, thinking is half way to using the power of your brain to make people's heads explode. But the police and nuns would object if people were > murdered; for thought is a bird of space that, in a cage of truth, has its cage lined with a newspaper of harmony to catch its droppings of unimpeachability in this > cage of words, may indeed unfold its wings, but cannot flush the newspaper of harmony before its vapors of obsequiousness attract the vibrator-like buzz of a blue-bottle > fly. But the great flying panda of cosmic intelligence can shower us all with flaming toilet paper that has karmic squeezability. > There are those of you who seek the talkative through the mouth of a clown at Jack In The Box will get diseases from the invisible spittle that flies from the clown, who has a > fear of being alone. The silence of their loneness Ranger, a Scottish lake monster who shoots Indians, is why Leonard Nimoy cannot take pictures of it, and never even > reveals to their eyes their naked self and they would not like to see even your half-naked self if they're like those nuns who have to look in my window as the convent won't let them > escape. They don't even want to see the Loneness Ranger naked, much less Leonard Nimoy, even if he's dressed as a burger clown. > And there those, and without knowledge or forethought, join Leonard Nimoy's secret other convent, because they mistake his clown suit for a Flying Nun outfit, but open at the back to > reveal a truth which they themselves do not kick really hard, but instead point and laugh, and why they don't like Leonard's cheeky bum, his Vulcan logic doesn't permit him to > understand. It is a little-known fact that he can immobilize a nun by performing the Vulcan Face Pinch with his butt cheeks. > And there are those who have the truth within them, which feels sudden clownburger indigestion, causing them to drop their towel or binocs depending on which side of my street they're on. > but they tell it not in words. In the bosom of such as Leonard Nimoy, clownburgers never fully dissolve, they lodge in places that not even nuns can see through binoculars. In > these the spirit dwells in rhythmic silence. THE END! I apologize if this didn't make much sense, even though the 2/3 of it I added was the most coherent part. Normally I would have only added 1/2, but normally I don't have to deal with the phrase "thought is a bird of space". > http://www.LordShivaTemple.org > http://www.PrideAndHonor.org > > webwriter@lordshivatemple.org Hey, I just went to www.LordShivaTemple.org, and it said -> I am sorry that you have come to our page as it is currently down. -> -> Someone has seen fit to hack our page and remove our contents and place -> filth. We have taken down our page till such time as we are able to get it -> replaced. -> -> We have also been made aware that the same person who hacked us -> has been spamming newsgroups and user groups as well as message -> boards and other avenues of information. This is not an action we -> condone nor support. We are sorry if you have reached our page -> in such manner. alt.exploding.kibo is NOT an "avenue of information". It's barely even an avenue of Kibology! -- K. Shiva is only famous because he drank homemade medicine because he was afraid of the Y2K bug.