From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: overheard candy discussion Date: Sun, 29 Jun 2003 20:23:59 -0400 Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > M&Ms are illegal in Canada. Like most of the English-speaking world, > > Canada is controlled by the Nestle cartel, and therefore they have > > Smarties. > > > > Here in the U.S., we have anti-Smarties, which are little pills of > > compressed sugar, sort of like Pez except not compressed a tenth as hard. > > We only call those sugar pills "Smarties" [...] > > we must be weird, then, or unduly influenced by Austria, 'cos we have > M&Ms, Smarties, and Pebbles, though M&Ms only hit the local market in > the late 80s. Yes, but in the U.S., "Pebbles" is a cereal made from Rice Krispies soaked in fluorescent dye in order to faithfully re-create the diet of our cavemen ancestors -- Fruity Pebbles and Cocoa Pebbles are advertised with an endless series of commercials which always end with Fred Flintstone yelling "BARNEY! MY PEBBLES!" and then lots of little kids at home asking, "Daddy, who were the Flintstones?" There was also a Vanilla Pebbles around 1990, but I think it died a quick death. However, Vanilla Coke -- which has been on the market in bottle form for a year -- has now turned into "Coke V", in an effort to trick people into buying it by accident a second time, as if once wasn't bad enough. The bottles say "Coke" with a big "V" spray-painted across them, so I assume the new ad campaign will feature Marc Singer and Jane Badler having a contest to see which one can do the least amount of acting while fighting with laser swords aboard a flying saucer. (Pepsi has to introduce Grape Pepsi now, so that the "Coke V" commercials can have Jane Badler saying "Please, darling, sour grapes are out of season!") > > I still have some of the medium gray [M&Ms]. I deeply disturbed > > Leah once by sending her some gray M&Ms. (A few malls have "M&Ms > > Colorworks" stores, which are just shops which stock about twenty > > weird colors of M&Ms so that you can buy candy that matches your > > hair or for any other weird illogical reason you could have for > > wanting abnormal M&Ms.) > > I was gonna troll the other guitarist at church into providing me with > a bowl of brown M&Ms as a condition of having me play, but you've just > given me a better idea. and hey: ideas taste BETTER when they come > from Kibo! Sometimes food tastes good, but the idea of that food tastes bad, and vice versa. In a few cases, the idea of the food tastes bad and the food itself tastes bad but the two are completely different. I'm sure you can name some examples, or at least the idea of some examples. Also, the phrase "providing me with a bowl of brown M&Ms" is probably just a euphemism for whatever sort of perversion occurs in your twisted culture of rockin' altar boys. This is why the Catholic church should be disbanded and replaced with something more logical, such as a weekly "Star Trek" convention. -- K. And if you want an idea that tastes really bad, tonight I'll be working with molten bronze. I'm sure molten bronze would taste even worse than it smelts. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: overheard candy discussion Date: Tue, 01 Jul 2003 22:27:35 -0400 Andrew Pearson (apearson@pt.lu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] quick death. However, Vanilla Coke -- which has been on the market > > in bottle form for a year -- has now turned into "Coke V", in an > > effort to trick people into buying it by accident a second time, as > > if once wasn't bad enough. > > [...] > > Also, of course, CokeD: Durian flavour. > > Or CokeP? I'm sure that people would swig that down by the gallon. Pea > flavour, of course. The Jolly Green Giant would drink nothing else. Here is the complete list: CokeA -- with the rich creamy taste of asafetida! CokeB -- with the sparkling flavor of bluebana! CokeC -- with the classic flavor of Classic Coke, except much sweeter! CokeD -- with a delightful twist of durianana! CokeE -- stung with the shocking tang of electricity! CokeF -- with a fruity blast of frog! CokeG -- with a surprise hint of goat! CokeH -- with a heavenly swirl of hamster! CokeI -- the first Coke to be sold in ingot form! CokeJ -- with the jaunty juice of juniper berries! CokeK -- the only Coke Kibo doesn't refuse to drink! CokeL -- with the effervescent zing of lychee! CokeM -- with the full-bodied flavor of marionberry and/or marionbernana! CokeN -- with the nougaty taste of fresh nougatine! CokeO -- with the full-bodied aroma of orangutana! CokeP -- with a pleasing aftertaste of Plexiglas! CokeQ -- with a savory swig of Desmond Llewellyn's corpse! CokeR -- bursting with a medley of raspberrynana, raspbana, and razzlebana! CokeS -- warning: CokeS will become weaker near kryptonite. CokeT -- with the tangy zip of turnips! CokeU -- you can earn a PhD by just drinking six bottles! CokeV -- the first Coke just for vampires! Now with 50% less garlic! CokeW -- the only Coke with an extra "with an extra!" CokeX -- it's not just clear, it's invisible, flavorless, and odorless! CokeY -- because you love Coke! Everyone loves Coke. It says so in the Cokestitution! CokeZ -- Zoundz! Coke Z haz a zavory zowie of zebranana! -- K. Never drink a Coke with a vowel in it on days ending in "Y". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: overheard candy discussion Date: Tue, 01 Jul 2003 22:25:53 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (spog@jwgh.org) wrote: > > Yesterday I sort of dozed off for an hour or so, and I woke up to find > that WFMU was broadcasting what appeared to be the sound of one or more > people swishing saliva around their mouths over and over and over. I > kept listening for a while, but it just kept going, for minute after > minute after minute. Dag speculated that he was waiting for someone to > call up the radio station to tell him to cut it out. > > Finally, some music starting playing, and I thought that was that, but > the gross swishing sound continued underneath the music, and this > continued for at least the next song or so. Eventually I got sick of it > and tuned out. I did tune in later, though, and got to hear the set list. > > The DJ explained that he wanted to do a watermelon-themed show, and he > had prepared a list of watermelon-themed songs that he was going to > play, but then when he arrived at the studio he was unable to find most > of the songs because of TECHNICAL INCOMPETENCE, or something, so he was > in a foul mood. He rambled on about this for several minutes while > playing mellow jazz instrumentals in the background. > > This was not related directly to the decision to play ten minutes of a loud > recording of different people eating watermelon, which is what the swishing > sound apparently was, but I think the connection is THERE to be MADE. You should switch to listening to Dr. Demento instead of Dr. Obnoxio. If I were a DJ and I tried to annoy my listeners by playing ten minutes of chewing noises, I'd get lynched, unless I barricaded myself in the booth, and I checked, usually there's a big glass window that the cops can shoot you through, so that's why I never pursued a career in radio. Also, if watermelons were involved, they'd send R. Lee Ermey in to kill me with (a) a grenade, (b) a TOW missile, (c) a ninja star, and (d) a Roman pilum, in that order. That man sure does a good job of keeping our country safe from an invasion of melons. -- K. And that just might be the only good show ever aired on any of those bogus documentary channels. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: overheard candy discussion Date: Sun, 29 Jun 2003 20:29:26 -0400 Tim Serpas (wretch@io.com) wrote: > > talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > > > WOMAN: run up front and get the no-caffeine M&Ms! > > GIRL (after running up and back): they don't have no-caffeine M&Ms! > > WOMAN (angrily): then get the KOSHER ones! > > While picking up jelly beans for roommate: > WOMAN: Those are Circus Peanuts. > GIRL (sixish): What do they taste like? > WOMAN: They're kind of hard to describe.... You'll > just have to try them yourself one day. That's child abuse! She should have forbidden the girl to ever try them, because then the parent could be held blameless if the kid got brain damage from the acetone-based orange circus peanuts, and that would also help educate the girl 'cause it would make her even more likely to try circus peanuts and other new things. Of course, because kids have such weird preferences in food, the six-year-old might actually like the awful things. It's an important part of childrens' education to introduce them to all sorts of foods, half of which are awful things that only children like, and the other half of which are delicious things that only grownups like. That way you can tell the kids have reached adulthood when they have to eliminate all items from their diet and replace them with a completely different set. If you find someone who can simultaneously enjoy circus peanuts and capers, run away, because it's someone who doesn't know whether or not they're a grown-up. -- K. If I ever start a restaurant, the kids-only menu will feature Cap'n Kibo's Toddler Platter: Circus peanuts, canned ravioli, FrankenBerry, and Hi-C. Served in a divided plate so the foods won't touch, with an empty section for the No Gravy. However, adults should ask to be seated in the "No Damn Kids!" section where uniformed security guards will keep the kids from interrupting your smoking, drinking, and cursing. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Great Morinda Date: Tue, 01 Jul 2003 22:29:07 -0400 Gregory King (greg@flyingpawn.com) wrote: > > Stacia (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Etienne Rouette (erouette@infonet.ca) wrote: > > > > > > Mexican-sounding name and was deep-fried dough in an elongated > > > shape with chocolate or sugar on the inside was. > > > Was it chichimanga? Chihuahua? Can't remember. > > > > OK, so everyone who got trolled, just line up to the left over there, > > and make one big group post instead of a bunch of little ones so we don't > > waste any more time. Your cooperation is appreciated. > > I think the | > word Etienne| > was looking | NEXT! > for is | > "Choco Taco"| I think the secret French | word Etienne said Caesar | was looking up in his dictionary for is ilarious Benny Hill pastiche in that damn Asterix movie was "Choco Taco" | Oops. I think I might have made one of those lines a little too long. Let me try again so that my followup isn't giving everyone the finger sideways. I think the defnition of the | word Etienne would say if he | was looking into a Choco Taco | NEXT! for islands of deliciousness is | "Choco Taco, tu eres merde grande!" | -- K. I'm sure Etienne's happy that Spartacat never bazookas a Choco Taco in his direction. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: [HAMMOND]? Headlines? Date: Tue, 01 Jul 2003 22:34:17 -0400 [on this being the day the late George "Cubey" Hammond promised us that he would be front-page news in every newspaper] Andrew Pearson (apearson@pt.lu) wrote: > > [...] > > La voix du Luxembourg is all about new bus schedules. I'm sure that's more relevant to the future of science than George Hammond would have been. Quantum-mechanicists have to ride the bus like everybody else, you know. Hammond, of course, was outside the scientific mainstream because he rode a Vespa. > Anything shown up in the States? Here in the United States, we eliminated news long ago. Now there are dispensers giving away Archie comics on every street corner. They're free except you do have to put fifty cents into the machine to get it open. Also there is some fine print that says that if you touch one, it will sign you up for overpriced long-distance phone service. They can get away with that because nobody here knows how to read, and therefore everything is legal because the Founding Fathers made the mistake of writing the laws down instead of just preserving them as an oral tradition. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the bookstore, which is really just an old burned-out building with a single M&M on the floor. I hope I'll have time to finish reading my new M&M this weekend. -- K. Okay, just got back from the bookstore. It was a Borders, so it had that standard Borders phenomenon where I waited in line behind several other people, half of whom got frustrated and left before they could reach the cashier, so I got to the head of the line really quickly because the line moved so slowly. "It took 4 years before Einstein's theory was recognized. I'm in my third year of publication (on the internet). That makes one year to go before I'm headline news in every newspaper in the world." -- George Hammond (June 30, 2002) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: So many dead birds, so little time? Date: Fri, 04 Jul 2003 04:22:07 -0400 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > I've been seeing a whole lot of dead birds on the ground in the past > few days. Well, at least more than I usually see -- I know I've > spotted three or more dead birds in the past week, when normally I see > maybe one a year, if that many. Remember, I live in a big urban area > and don't have a tendency to go tromping around in the woods or > anything; these birds were all found dead on the pavement in my > neighborhood. > > I can't shake the gnawing feeling that this is some kind of harbinger > of imminent doom. Well, it is, unless we can assemble a crew of people to go to the center of the Earth and blow up the evil part of the core of the Earth in order to instantly fix the weather everywhere on Earth. But I didn't know you live in London -- everyone knows that any disturbance of the Earth's core causes birds to crash into things in London, people with packmakers to drop dead in Boston, the Space Shuttle to crash-land in the Los Angeles drainage canals "CHiPs"-style, and most importantly, the Colosseum explodes because it's a "collecting dish for centrifugal energy". That claim is given twice in the "Cinefex" article on "The Core", so I'm revising my odds on whether "The Core" (which looks to be a super-tarded tupidfest) is or is not sillier than "Deep Core" (which has Wil Wheaton.) I think I need to rent both movies (once I can find a store that can rent or sell me "Deep Core" -- it doesn't seem to be in any of the stores around here) and closely scrutinize them to see which one is the least plausible depiction of a completely realistic journey through boiling rock in a submarine with a power drill in its nose, then I would use a power drill to drill a hole to the core of the Earth and drop both movies in to see which one causes the Earth to explode, unless the seaQuest can stop me, because I understand that it's fallen through the Earth's mantle _again_. Damn that Roy Scheider and his inability to keep his submarine in the ocean! -- K. Since Mark Hammill took Roy Scheider's submarine to another planet, where would Andy Dick take Wil Wheaton's giant drill? And more to the point, how can I work Andy Dick into this article somewhere? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: So many dead birds, so little time? Date: Tue, 08 Jul 2003 23:37:01 -0400 talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I've been seeing a whole lot of dead birds on the ground [...] > > > I can't shake the gnawing feeling that this is some kind of harbinger > > > of imminent doom. > > > > Well, it is, unless we can assemble a crew of people to go to the center > > of the Earth and blow up the evil part of the core of the Earth in order > > to instantly fix the weather everywhere on Earth. But I didn't know > > you live in London -- everyone knows that any disturbance of the Earth's > > core causes birds to crash into things in London, people with pacemakers > > to drop dead in Boston, the Space Shuttle to crash-land in the Los Angeles > > drainage canals "CHiPs"-style, > > there's no way the space shuttle would crash, because the skilled > shuttle pilots could steer it by shifting the fuel back and forth > between the wing tanks! they would just land on the freeway instead! "NASA, we have no coins for the tollbooth!" "Endeavour, you'll have to improvise. Try to file down the secret Congressional Medals Of Honor that are hidden under your seats so that a robot arm can automatically award them to you posthumously after you crash." "Okay, we're using the token lady astronaut's nail file to try to reduce these to the size and color of quarters..." "Endeavour, hurry! You are only three miles from the tollbooth, and at your speed of Mach 10 you will be there in exactly five minutes!" "HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII***KA-BOOM!*** Now THAT was a close call!" "Endeavour, this is the current President of the United States. You are our nation's greatest heroes and I've got cold brewskis waiting for you! And I'm very proud of you, son." > > and most importantly, the Colosseum explodes because it's a > > "collecting dish for centrifugal energy". > > those blasted romans! always collecting our centrifugal energy! > I bet they will use it to create the world's most powerful arbalest! First they collect all our urine, then they collect all our centrifugal energy. They're stealing our wee-wee and our whirliness in order to turn the Colosseum into the world's largest all-yellow spin-art machine in order to trick Rudy Guiliani into coming to Ancient Rome to shut down this perverted whirl-a-wee art exhibition, and then they'll make fun of him for not wearing a Triscuit-like toupee! This segue allows me to finally explain those verses by Martial I quoted in the thread about how smelly Rome was. Last week, I wrote: -> And even the Romans thought fish sauce stunk, or at least the smart -> ones did. Let's ask Martial to drop us some zingers: -> -> Unguentum fuerat, quod onyx modo parva gerebat; -> olfecit postquam Papylus, ecce, garum est. Loosely translated (largely due to my own ineptness with Latin), it comes out as something like "It was ointment carried in a small onyx jar. After Papylus smelled it -- behold! It's garum!" -> Of course, without knowing Papylus's taste in perfume, I don't know -> whether that was a condemnation or a recommendation -- I can imagine -> some Romans would enjoy walking around with fish guts in their hair -> all day. They'd smell almost half as bad as Thais: -> -> Tam male Thais olet quam non fullonis avari -> testa vetus, media sed modo fracta via, -> non ab amore recens hircus, non ora leonis, -> non detracta cani Transtiberina cutis, -> pullus abortivo nec cum putrescit in ovo, -> amphora corrupto nec vitiata garo. -> Virus ut hoc alio fallax permutet odore, -> deposita quotiens balnea veste petit, -> psilothro viret aut acida latet oblita creta -> aut tegitur pingui terque quaterque faba. -> Cum bene se tutam per fraudes mille putavit, -> omnia cum fecit, Thaida Thais olet. "Thais smells worse than a penny-pinching fuller's broken jar [of old urine] in the street, worse than a goat that just made love, worse than the mouth of a lion, worse than a dog pelt being tanned across the Tiber [the tanneries were kept across the river in the smelly industrial district], an aborted chicken rotting in an egg, a jug contaminated by moldy garum. She tries to change her odor: Whenever she undresses for a bath she's covered with depilatory, talc, vinegar, and three of four coats of mashed fava beans. She thinks everything's perfect after these thousand tricks, but when all is done, Thais still smells Thais-tacular." I suspect having a primitive version of a Taco Bell side dish packed into her pores is one of the reasons Thais had B.O. I don't know whether she was a real person or if Martial was just picking random names to insult. (The people he hates tend to have Greek names.) A fuller was someone who cleaned/toughened/dyed wool, and urine was part of the process. You have to admire the Roman fullers' business model of setting up public piss-pots so that they could sell customers a service which involved using the costumers' own urine. "Pee here, for free! Then pay us to soak your clothes in your own pee!" Hopefully nobody continues that form of business, especially at Taco Bell. > > That claim is > > given twice in the "Cinefex" article on "The Core", so I'm revising my > > odds on whether "The Core" (which looks to be a super-tarded tupidfest) > > is or is not sillier than "Deep Core" (which has Wil Wheaton.) > > > > I think I need to rent both movies (once I can find a store that can > > rent or sell me "Deep Core" -- it doesn't seem to be in any of the > > stores around here) > > have you tried netflix? I've been considering signing up with them, > since they apparently have many obscure movies. it's also like the > TiVo of mail-order video rentals. Hey, no way am I ever renting anything through the Postal Service. I've been a Book-Of-The-Month Club dupe once in my life, and once was enough. Also, I'd keep making the mistake of throwing bad movies in a trash can instead of a mailbox after watching them. I have a real TiVo, so all I have to do is wait for some channel to become bankrupt enough to have to show "Deep Core", and my TiVo will force me to watch it, whether or not I want to. Except that one of the four disk drives in my TiVos is getting sick, so it's possible that I'll get half of "Deep Core" followed by a system meltdown and a fire that will destroy the entire apartment building, hopefully including the damn laundry room. > > and closely scrutinize them to see which one is the least plausible > > depiction of a completely realistic journey through boiling rock in > > a submarine with a power drill in its nose, then I would use a power > > drill to drill a hole to the core of the Earth and drop both movies > > in to see which one causes the Earth to explode, unless the seaQuest > > can stop me, because I understand that it's fallen through the Earth's > > mantle _again_. Damn that Roy Scheider and his inability to keep his > > submarine in the ocean! > > didn't the glassbottom submarine go to the earth's core, too? they > couldn't seem to keep that submarine in the ocean, either. always > having to fight off space aliens and toy dolls. come to think of it, > the man from atlantis kept having to fight aliens as well. what is > it about the ocean and aliens? The glass-fronted SeaView from Irwin Allen's "Journey To The Bottom Of The Sea" is allowed to fight a different guest star from outer space and/or Hell every week, because that show isn't a serious educational program like the scientifically-accurate "seaQuest DSV", which always ended with an embarrassed-looking Dr. Bob Ballard explaining to the camera precisely how true all of the science on the show was. ("Although scientists have not yet defeated Satan at the bottom of the ocean, with continued oceanic research someday we might. Join us next week for another highly plausible adventure on 'seaQuest DSV'.") The difference between "The Core" and "Deep Core" seems to be similar (although I haven't seen either movie) -- both are dopey bozofests about wacky adventures inside the molten core of the Earth, but "The Core" was made by people who were convinced they were making the most serious piece of realism since "2001" (the director tended to get really irate in interviews when he kept insisting the entire movie was 100% scientifically accurate, and he also seems to have convinced the actors of this, as they kept going on talk shows trying to explain to incredulous hosts that the Earth's core really could cause deadly beams of space light to slice the Golden Gate Bridge in half) while "Deep Core" doesn't have that air of pretentious stupidity around it, just good honest action-movie stupidity. "Deep Core" was made by people who were trying to make a movie really fast while "The Core" was made by people who thought they were doing important work in the field of exploding-planet research. As far as "The Man From Atlantis", remember that "seaQuest" also featured a guy with gills in his armpits so that he could swim like a fish. Kevin Costner also played on in "Waterworld", but let's leave him out of this because we're only discussing things even more ridiculous than "Waterworld". The episode of "seaQuest" where Roy Scheider's submarine fell through the Earth's crust (and dialogue made it clear that eventually the submarine fell all the way beneath the _mantle_) was a pretty typical second-season "seaQuest" episode, in that it involved the submarine being chased around underground by giant worms that fired laser beams from their heads. That was a few weeks before Mark Hamill came in from outer space and abducted the submarine to fight a water on an all-underwater planet that had no submarines of its own, and then the seaQuest was destroyed and everyone was killed, but then ten years later the aliens revived them in whatever spot on Earth where their happiest memory was, so Commander Ford woke up in the shower, just like the guy who played "The Man From Atlantis" did on "Dallas" after the writers realized that TV shows don't need to make any sense. Sadly, "seaQuest" was such a laughing-stock that the network only renewed it twice (probably only keeping it on the air in order to suck up to its creator, Steven Spielberg.) If NBC's "seaQuest" had remained on the air for a fourth season (after its "seaQuest DSV", "seaQuest", and "seaQuest 2032" phases) I'm sure they would have done an episode where the seaQuest travelled back in time to ancient Rome to keep the Romans from stealing all the urine from future Taco Bell restrooms. After all, the _did_ do one where Neptune threw his giant trident at the submarine. Oh, and there was that one about the pushme-pullyu squid that caused the "seaQuest" crew to hoard its glowing poop (which was referred to endlessly as "fish poop" because the extent of Dr. Bob Ballard's scientific advising didn't even cover explaining to them that squids are not fish.) Why do I have to keep reminding you people of these details? You people aren't as familiar with everything that was wrong with "seaQuest" as you should be. You probably don't even remember that the "fish poop" episode had a scene where special guest star Yaphet Kotto said to Roy Scheider, "Feel my buttocks!" I am not making up _anything_ about "seaQuest". -- K. Still, at least I didn't have to pay to watch it by mail. P.S. A warning to anyone who watches movies with me in the next few weeks: I just got a tape of an extremely rare and extremely, extremely, extremely bad movie. It's based on a series of trading cards and stars Anthony Newley and a bunch of midgets dressed as diseased babies. I suspect it will make "Baby Geniuses" seem cute. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: So many dead birds, so little time? Date: Sat, 12 Jul 2003 22:04:47 -0400 Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [some dead guy wrote:] > > > > "Thais smells worse than a penny-pinching fuller's broken jar [of old > > urine] in the street, worse than a goat that just made love, worse > > than the mouth of a lion, worse than a dog pelt being tanned across > > the Tiber [the tanneries were kept across the river in the smelly > > industrial district], > > Oh God. > > My current place of work is on a Superfund site that was once the > location of a tannery. > > When the wind is right, you can tell, and it will doubtless be so until > the year 50,000. JUST FOR MATT! Mystery Science Fiction Theatre 50,000 presents: The Terror Of The Terrible Terrier Tannery! "Hello, I'm Truman Bradley, and these are my two wacky robots, Bowlie D. Pinback and Tors. If you'll just follow me to my lab-o-ratory table, I'll show you something most interesting." "I don't think you could call that mostly interesting." "Quiet, Bowlie. This is my new invention, it's a mechanical arm that saves you time by turning the pages of Scientific American magazine." "Wow! That is a great time-saver! I'm going to use mine to turn the pages of my new issue of Cat Fancy!" "Sorry, Tors, but it only works on Scientific American. In fact, it only works on this one issue from August, 1953." "Hey, Truman, I see from the flashing signal that Martial is calling. you'll have to push the button because my arms fell off again." *click* "Hello there, Matt Of The Three-Toned Hair. Martial The Martian here, and I'm still stranded in Ancient Rome with Clovis and his head of clover--" (Clovis sneezes due to giving himself hay fever) "--and Captain Super Diaper." "I am Captain Super Diaper, because I am wearing a super diaper!" "Shut up, you. Matt, this week, instead of showing you a bad movie, I'm going to read you some poetry about wet dog fur that smells like your office, and just for good measure, the poem is also going to mention goat sex. And I don't mean the one with the dot-C-X in it, either." (a light begins flashing and Matt screams.) "Oh no, we've got Poetry Sign! Aaaaaaaaaaah!" (Matt and the robots run into the ampitheatre. A guy in a filthy toga is reading filthy poetry about odors. Matt and the robots make incredibly funny remarks for the next thirty minutes. Then the funny stuff stops and Gene Rayburn enters.) Gene Rayburn: "At the Roman Colosseum, after the lion fought Gloria, the lion smiled, because he was GLAD-HE-BLANKED-'ER." Brett Somers: "OH I GOT IT I GOT IT!!! He MET her." (A buzzer sounds for eight hours. Then Marc Anthony and Brutus enter and stab Brett Somers. Victor Mature and Alan Ladd enter and stab them. Shakespeare enters and stabs everyone. Russell Crowe dies, even though he's not in this. Matt points out that Russell Crowe was standing in front of a Roman soldier wearing sneakers. Kibo holds up the book "The World Of Roman Costume" and turns to page 121 to show a photo of a statue of a Roman empress who is clearly wearing sneakers. History is ruined!) Matt: "Oh, poo, history is ruined!" Bowlie: "And 'Match Game' is REALLY ruined!" Tors: "I thought the death of Brett improved it, actually." Matt: "Can it, you guys. I'll have to build a time machine so that we can go down to Ancient Rome to stop Martial and Clovis and the Captain from ruining Roman history just to make us listen to some bad poetry." (The hex-field view-screen opens up, and then a curtain behind it rises. Martial is standing behind it.) Martial: "Hey! I heard that! My poetry isn't bad!" Matt: "Yoru spelling is atrocious. I ran your poems through my spell-checker and every word was flagged." Martial: "That's because I'm writing in Latin, not stupid English, you barbaribozo!" Matt: "Nevertheless, your poems stink worse than if McDonalds had McGarum." Tors: "What's garum?" Bowlie: "You know the 'Star Trek' episode 'The Corbomite Maneuver', where Baalok offers Kirk a glass of tranya? In the episode 'Bread & Circuses' they did the same scene, except they changed 'tranya' to a different nonsense word, so William Shatner was offered a sparrow cooked in garum." Tors: "Oh." (Captain Super Diaper accidentally dumps a five-gallon amphora of garum down the back of his diaper.) Captain Super Diaper: "Oh no! I just invented diaper gravy!" Matt: "Diaper? I hardly knew 'er!" (Shakespeare enters and kills everyone again. The end.) -- K. If you weren't Matt, you just wasted your time reading this. And even if you ARE Matt, you'll waste your time if you read the following: One of the five standard punchlines was invented almost 2000 years ago. I'll let Petronius not only tell the joke, but explain it: -> Non minus et Trimalchio eiusmodi methodio laetus: "Carpe!", inquit. -> Processit statim scissor et ad symphoniam gesticulatus ita laceravit -> obsonium, ut putares essedarium hydraule cantante pugnare. -> Ingerebat nihilo minus Trimalchio lentissima voce: "Carpe! Carpe!" -> Ego suspicatus ad aliquam urbanitatem totiens iteratam vocem pertinere, -> non erubui eum qui supra me accumbebat, hoc ipsum interrogare. -> At ille, qui saepius eiusmodi ludos spectaverat: "Vides illum, inquit, -> qui obsonium carpit: Carpus vocatur. Ita quotiescumque dicit 'Carpe', -> eodem verbo et vocat et imperat". (The slave slicing Trimalchio's meat is named something like "Cutter", so Trimalchio is yelling "Cut 'er, Cutter!") ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: So many dead birds, so little time? Date: Tue, 08 Jul 2003 23:34:09 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think I need to rent both movies (once I can find a store that can > > rent or sell me "Deep Core" -- it doesn't seem to be in any of the > > stores around here) > > Hypothesis: The stores are filing it based solely on the name. > Conclusion: Kibo's not looking in the right stores. Yes, thanks to the Internet, it's now possible to slander people by claiming they never shop for pornography! "Hey you, get off the Internet, you prude!" > > [...] > > And more to the point, how can I work Andy Dick into this > > article somewhere? > > Dave "make sure you use a text-based lubricant" DeLaney You slimey slimes should stop sliming your slimey slime all over my theories in the faquy, the faquux, and the faqzafazool. -- K. This information was brought to you by the letter "q" and the number "blorch". (I honestly have no idea what that means.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: So many dead birds, so little time? Date: Sat, 12 Jul 2003 21:40:33 -0400 Bill Marcum (bmarcum@iglou.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Yes, thanks to the Internet, it's now possible to slander people by > > claiming they never shop for pornography! > > Thanks to the Internet, there's no need to go out and shop for it! Yes, but Internet porn will never take the place of actually running your hands along the supple curves as you fondle an actual printed magazine. The way the ink-smelling clay-coated pages give you paper cuts; the way the staples in the middle never keep the pages from falling out, unless there's a centerfold you want to remove undamaged; the rip-proof plastic wrapper you strain your fingers trying to pull open, as it emits a foul stench of other people's cigar smoke. That's what's great about real printed pornography. Wait, that sucks. Internet porn rules! Except that I think I've only been mentioned in the print version of "Playboy", not the on-line version. But since I'm never going to pay to subscribe to their Web site (anyone who would pay to look at porn on the Internet needs to be told how to find groups.yahoo.com) I'll never know if the Web edition said the same thing about me as the print edition. I'll go to my grave thinking that Hugh Hefner was covering all the bases by saying one thing in print and another on the Web. -- K. If you print out this article and read it, it'll change to being about the planet Tralfamadore. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: It's a cereal, and also a BAD IDEA! Date: Fri, 04 Jul 2003 04:40:23 -0400 So I've gotten half my work for the day done, and I'm taking a break, and I'm about to snack on: MONOPOLY CEREAL! Or, as the box calls it, CEREAL EDITION MONOPOLY! Yes, who wouldn't enjoy a cereal with the great taste of a tedious, strategy-free board game about Depression-era New Jersey? It has marshmallow pieces shaped like cards. That makes it just like Monopoly! Except I think it has less flavor than the real cards. Why did I waste money buying this when I could have, for the same price, bought up all of Baltic Avenue? I don't know! Maybe it had something to do with wanting to brag about being the first on my block to try this exciting new cereal based on a board game your grandpa liked. Or maybe, just maybe, I thought it might actually be good! Naah, the first one. HA HA I AM EATING MONOPOLY AND YOU AREN'T! But... nowhere does the box explicitly say that "Cereal Edition Monopoly" is based on "Board Game Edition Monopoly"... oh no! I might be eating a cereal that was based on "TV Monopoly", which ran for six episodes in the late 1980s! The one that had a theme song with words! Or rather, with a word! M! O! N! O! P-O-L-Y! M! O! N! O! P-O-L-Y! MONOPOLYMONOPOLY, MONOPOLYMONOPOLY! M! O! N! O! P-O-L-Y! It's sort of like the "Ghostbusters" song only without all the stuff about Ghostbusters. And also it has an orgiastic female moan whenever they get to the letter "O". (I don't want to know what happens in the recording studio when they get to "P".) And my favorite detail about Cereal Edition Monopoly? Not only is it one of the most unambitiously-designed theme cereals I've ever seen -- the pieces representing the car, thimble, etc., are squares with pictures printed on them and the pieces representing the cards are squares with stripes on them -- but they can't even make good squares. The box shows Mr. Monopoly up to his neck in square cereal pieces with square marshmallow pieces, but in reality the cereal squares are horribly deformed trapezia and the marshmallow squares are all shaped like boxer shorts. There are also some unidentified pink blobs which might be either red hotels or possibly Zantac. I can't figure out at all what pictures are on the printed pieces, because all the pictures are centered on the corners of the pieces, so they look like this: +------+ |=/ <;\ | \ (ACTUAL SIZE AND ACTUAL LEVEL OF DETAIL) |% )@\ +----------+ The taste is almost exactly like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, except without any cinnamon, and with some of those Styrofoam-ish marshmallows that make creaking noises when you eat them. The only good thing I can say about this cereal is that it has sugar on it. But if really enjoyed the taste of sugar on cardboard, I'm sure I could have independently invented the recipe "DUMP SUGAR ON CARDBOARD." -- K. Could someone please tell me what job the dog has that entitles him to collect $200 every payday so that he can buy up all those tenements? And why doesn't the cannon ever break out of jail by blowing holes in the wall? Also, does Donald Trump think he's the dog, or the wheelbarrow? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Scary Airspace Date: Sat, 12 Jul 2003 22:06:14 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > So, this helicopter just flew by, visible from the > window, and it was towing this ENORMOUS McDonalds > flag advertising their website. But the thing is, > it was national-flag-shaped, and I hadn't really > noticed until just now that they have almost exactly > the same colors as the Soviet flag. > > The flag flying from the helicopter, though, had the big "M" > more centered, and inside a yellow circle, and no text inside > the arches. I think it's the McD "smile" logo. No, the "smile" logo is a rectangle with one parenthesis sunk to the bottom. The circled "M" is a new logo to represent McWireless -- certain McDonalds locations are offering wireless Internet access to anyone who wants to pay to use their laptop computer at McDonalds instead of doing something more logical, such as using their laptop computer anywhere else. The logo is allegedly supposed to look like an "@", but it's bad because it doesn't look like an "@", and even if it did, I think it might be someone else's trademark already. In fact, if you flip through the current Boston Yellow Pages (the Verizon ones, not the no-brand ones) you might even be able to find a picture of an American flag with a circled "@" where the 50 stars should be. I make no apologies for my philosophy of using lots of solid black in phone book ads. (Good typographic design normally involves careful use of whitespace; phone book ads also benefit from a bunch of blackspace, because they're jammed up against a whole lot of clutter. I also like to put big sweeping curves into things I design for the phone book, because they have to be jammed into boxes that are adjacent to a bunch of other boxes, so having a big swoosh of black cutting through your box is a great eye-magnet.) Anyhow, I dug up the press release about McWireless yesterday because I was looking for those dopey photos of Ronald McDonald surfing the Internet -- and I learned that Ronald McDonald is officially referred to as the "Chief Happiness Officer" of McDonalds. That was mentioned in a press release where their board of directors was unveiling their new slogan (which was go great that I've already forgotten it) accompanied by the headline "FALL MARKETING OFFENSIVE ON SCHEDULE." (And yes, their new "marketing offensive" was created by an ad agency in Germany.) In any case, I guarantee you that I'll never post to alt.religion.kibology from McDonalds. I won't even EAT there, so why should I pay them for lame Internet access? -- K. As if using public wireless networks isn't already risky enough, now you can get packet-sniffed at the same time as you get dysentery. "Hey! I was surfing for porn and some clown stole my password!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Las Vegas, NV Date: Sat, 12 Jul 2003 22:09:06 -0400 Jim Blackburn (taeHAWHAW1fra001@sneakemail.com.invalid) wrote: > > Blue Man Group covered me with ticker tape onto which they forgot to print > stock quotes. Was this the late-night performance where they get completely naked? Or am I confusing them with one of the two different Cirque du Soleils that performs in Las Vegas? We have a Blue Man Group in Boston and/or Cambridge as well, unless they've finally been driven out of town. But we've managed to keep Cirque du Soleil out of this area, probably because we're close enough to Quebec that they can smell the poutine vapor wafting across the border, carried through New Hampshire by the bad weather coming down from Canada, so they would get homesick and go back to Quebec. -- K. Suppose Blue Man Group and Cirque du Soleil got into a fight with some of those silver robot mimes from the subway and a Butoh troupe. Would anyone win? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Short, Shameless Review: Pinellas Park Library Date: Sat, 12 Jul 2003 22:12:00 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > "Lots42 The Library Avenger" (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > Now this is a library. It would make Don Saklad weep with joy. > > It has specific sections for everything. Buffy novels, Dr. Who, > > Rolling Stone magazines, puzzles, sci-fi, star trek, star wars and > > on and on and on. It's just wonderful. I wish I lived next door to it. > > Did anyone else notice the library offerings deemed praiseworthy by > Mister Forty-Two? Kevin? Matt? Did I miss the mention of classics > of literature, new works of fiction and non-fiction, rare periodicals, > collections of poetry, research materials, art compendia? Those > things that in my day made a library great? > > Now it's the inclusion of a dedicated Buffy-novel section. And on and on. > > Weep, WEEP for the next generation! Yeah. Lots2 left out all the important things you can get in any reputable bookstore, such as graphic novels, Chris Isaak CDs, coloring books, Nintendo games, books that come with a Koosh tied to them, books on tape, Bill Cosby, pop-ups, Deepak Chopra, Frappucino, and bookmarks made from real dollar bills. Know what depresses me? I'm still trying to get the first volume of that damn three-volume series of Latin poems I've been reading, and most bookstores don't even have a section for classical literature. Barnes & Noble has "Penguin Classics" section, but they're all the red-stripe ones (written in English) or yellow-stripe ones (Tolstoy, Dumas, and things translated from other random languages); the purple- stripe ones (translated from Greek or Latin) are filed under "History", which is a really stupid place to put poetry. Basically, Barnes & Noble separates things by how old they are -- current stuff is "Fiction", stuff from 20 years ago is "Literature", stuff from 100 years ago is "Classics", stuff from 400 years ago is "Shakespeare" (he has to be kept from touching from people like Christopher Marlowe) and stuff from 2000 years ago is "History". And they absolutely will not carry anything written in a dead language, it's an English-only store. Borders has a different system. They have a section named "Classical Studies". It's books about music. The Latin and Greek translations are in "History". I haven't checked to see how far apart they have to keep Shakespeare, Marlowe, and Bacon. But I've been doing most of my book-shopping at Borders lately 'cause they do at least have books in funny languages (recently I've bought one bilingual Old English book, one Middle English book, and several bilingual Latin ones. I shall not attempt Greek.) The "History" sections in chain bookstores like this are just catch-all dumping-grounds for any sort of stuff geared to any particular region or ethnicity. The "Medieval History" subsections are always severely contaminated with crapola about wytchkraft, modern novels set in the imaginary Middle Ages, and sometimes even the coin-collecting books and some of the travel books get put there because they don't know where else to put them. The "Ancient History" section is relatively free of stuff that doesn't belong there (except that all the ancient literature gets put there) until you get to the end of the shelf where the stuff on Egypt is kept, and suddenly it's mostly junk. You know, "books" that consist of a box of rubber stamps with the Hieroglyphic symbols for "A" through "Z" sold as "Write Your Name In Hieroglyphics". I don't object to bookstores having stuff about magical pyramid powers that allow you to speed-seduce people, I just find it insulting that they take Henry Ford's approach and make the word "History" synonymous with "Bunk". And don't even get me started on all the "Shakespeare For Dummies" stuff in the "Shakespeare" section. You, too, can read Shakespeare without ever having to read what he wrote! -- K. I like the used bookstores that actually throw out the stuff they don't think anyone needs, such as "Your 1973 Aquarius Horoscope". The ones that are selective have all sorts of good reading, while the ones that just fill up their shelves with whatever comes in eventually become nothing but books nobody wants. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Long Lost Summers Date: Sat, 12 Jul 2003 22:15:01 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Does anyone (or anyone's children) catch fireflies in old mayonnaise > jars anymore? No, they use NEW mayonnaise jars. Also they don't catch fireflies, because fireflies went extinct in 1979, on the same day that "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" premiered. But kids do indeed still catch creepy-crawlies in food containers. Then they sell the jars to Taco Bell to put refried beans in. > Break a popsicle in half to share with a friend? I have never, ever, EVER been able to break a Twin Pop down the middle without both halves shattering and falling off the sticks, so I'm GLAD those went extinct in 1980, on the same day that "Galactica 1980" premiered. > Put the popsicle stick down on the sidewalk to attract ants and then > incinerate the ants with a magnifying glass and the Incredible Power > of Our Friend the Sun? Magnifying glasses are unnecessary for this in our modern era, thanks to the Earth's ozone layer having been peeled back like the skin of an orange in 1981, on the same day that "Galactica 1980" was cancelled. > Go swimming in a "crick?" Today our modern creeks are protected from the environment by a thick layer of plastic on top of them. But if your kids have a chainsaw they can still slice through to see the slurry beneath. > Scare the crap out of your big sister by coming up to her with a June > bug concealed in your grimy fist? June bugs are so last month. > Put a paying card in the spokes of your bike to make that cool flappy > sound? I keep my paying cards in my modern futuristic wallet, thank you very much. I take them to stores and slide them through highly technological machines that ask me whether I want to "ENTER O YES" or "CANCEL X NO". > Make s'mores? Why make them when you can buy a cereal that's supposed to taste like them? I think there's a Gatorade in S'Mores flavor, too. > Run through the sprinkler in your underpants? Well, we can still make that joke, because urinary incontinence is still funny. -- K. And now I'm going to go wee. "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" That joke comes courtesy Benny Hill, master of the use-mention distinction in excretory contexts. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Another Question Date: Sat, 12 Jul 2003 22:17:26 -0400 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > While on our road trip we chanced to see a large al-yoo-minee-yum > tanker truck which bore the legend: "Food Grade Liquid." > > Eeeuu. That *sounds* really bad--- but do any of you know what "food > grade liquid" actually is? Milk is a food grade liquid, one > presumes--- but why not just say, for example, "Milk?" Because it can't be milk because "food grade liquid" means it's not food, in the same way that "cheese food" means "not cheese", and "semi-precious" means "not precious" aka "driveway gravel soaked in dye", and "laser-printer quality" means "not a laser printer and therefore not laser-printer quality", and "gold-filled" means "filled with brass". "Food grade liquid" is probably just an emulsifier added to another emulsifier to create goop with no nutritional value, no flavor, no color, and no texture, but they put it in a truck anyway just to make really messy accidents so they can get on TV when the truck crashes. Incidentally, was it a plain aluminum truck, or a duraluminum truck? The difference is that when they're extruding the aluminum, they add dur to it. This is done by having a guy dressed as a wizard waving his wand over the molten metal as he yells "DUR! DUR! DURRRR!!!!" -- K. Some cheaper companies dress him as a pirate instead of a wizard, but that doesn't work as well because molten aluminum hates pirates. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: *fwooOOOM!* death by grill Date: Sat, 12 Jul 2003 22:18:08 -0400 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > Having refinanced our home, the lovely wife and I had some extra moneys. > Rather than something practical, we bought a new grill. > > The past few nights have been a meat filled orgy of deliciousity. > > Thursday: sausages > Friday: bratwurst, steak, chicken, hot dogs > Saturday: hot dogs > Sunday: flesh of Christ > Wednesday: steak > Thursday: steak > > However, it nearly killed me last night. > > Its suggested method for cooking said steaks is to leave both dampers > open, to get the grill good and hot (700+). Sear steaks 1.5-3 minutes a > side. Close dampers, leave steak in grill another couple minutes until > done. > > In BIG LETTERS with those instructions is a warning about closing the > dampers when the grill is so hot. Before opening the lid, be sure to > open the dampers first to avoid FLAMING DEATH! I recently bought a blowtorch. A safety sticker on the back of it says "Do not use while sleeping." I can't figure out whether this is because maybe Sears sells the same propane bottles as grill accessories, or whether they just think I'm stupid enough to kill myself but smart enough to file a lawsuit. You didn't say what sort of gas your grill uses. If it's propane, you might want to switch to one that you're allowed to use in bed. And if your grill runs on natural gas, you might get better results with an unnatural gas -- I hear that MAPP gas can do a steak in two seconds. It's called MAPP gas because it's what the Christian Scientists use to pump up that big globe in the Mapparium. Someone else in the Boston area can explain the Mapparium to you people. And to me. Frankly, I can't figure it out. What does it do, and why? -- K. Speaking of blowtorches, I finally got a can of pickle, but now I need something to keep it warm in. Does anyone have a recommendation for a model of Betty Crocker crockpot that resists hot sulfuric acid?