Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: So many dead birds, so little time? Date: Tue, 08 Jul 2003 23:34:09 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 33 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c018.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1057721638 13193 208.192.102.18 (9 Jul 2003 03:33:58 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 9 Jul 2003 03:33:58 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:483122 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think I need to rent both movies (once I can find a store that can > > rent or sell me "Deep Core" -- it doesn't seem to be in any of the > > stores around here) > > Hypothesis: The stores are filing it based solely on the name. > Conclusion: Kibo's not looking in the right stores. Yes, thanks to the Internet, it's now possible to slander people by claiming they never shop for pornography! "Hey you, get off the Internet, you prude!" > > [...] > > And more to the point, how can I work Andy Dick into this > > article somewhere? > > Dave "make sure you use a text-based lubricant" DeLaney You slimey slimes should stop sliming your slimey slime all over my theories in the faquy, the faquux, and the faqzafazool. -- K. This information was brought to you by the letter "q" and the number "blorch". (I honestly have no idea what that means.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: So many dead birds, so little time? Date: Sat, 12 Jul 2003 21:40:33 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 36 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c009.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058060419 26189 208.192.102.9 (13 Jul 2003 01:40:19 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2003 01:40:19 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:483626 Bill Marcum (bmarcum@iglou.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Yes, thanks to the Internet, it's now possible to slander people by > > claiming they never shop for pornography! > > Thanks to the Internet, there's no need to go out and shop for it! Yes, but Internet porn will never take the place of actually running your hands along the supple curves as you fondle an actual printed magazine. The way the ink-smelling clay-coated pages give you paper cuts; the way the staples in the middle never keep the pages from falling out, unless there's a centerfold you want to remove undamaged; the rip-proof plastic wrapper you strain your fingers trying to pull open, as it emits a foul stench of other people's cigar smoke. That's what's great about real printed pornography. Wait, that sucks. Internet porn rules! Except that I think I've only been mentioned in the print version of "Playboy", not the on-line version. But since I'm never going to pay to subscribe to their Web site (anyone who would pay to look at porn on the Internet needs to be told how to find groups.yahoo.com) I'll never know if the Web edition said the same thing about me as the print edition. I'll go to my grave thinking that Hugh Hefner was covering all the bases by saying one thing in print and another on the Web. -- K. If you print out this article and read it, it'll change to being about the planet Tralfamadore. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: So many dead birds, so little time? Date: Tue, 08 Jul 2003 23:37:01 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 222 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c018.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1057721811 13193 208.192.102.18 (9 Jul 2003 03:36:51 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 9 Jul 2003 03:36:51 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:483123 talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I've been seeing a whole lot of dead birds on the ground [...] > > > I can't shake the gnawing feeling that this is some kind of harbinger > > > of imminent doom. > > > > Well, it is, unless we can assemble a crew of people to go to the center > > of the Earth and blow up the evil part of the core of the Earth in order > > to instantly fix the weather everywhere on Earth. But I didn't know > > you live in London -- everyone knows that any disturbance of the Earth's > > core causes birds to crash into things in London, people with pacemakers > > to drop dead in Boston, the Space Shuttle to crash-land in the Los Angeles > > drainage canals "CHiPs"-style, > > there's no way the space shuttle would crash, because the skilled > shuttle pilots could steer it by shifting the fuel back and forth > between the wing tanks! they would just land on the freeway instead! "NASA, we have no coins for the tollbooth!" "Endeavour, you'll have to improvise. Try to file down the secret Congressional Medals Of Honor that are hidden under your seats so that a robot arm can automatically award them to you posthumously after you crash." "Okay, we're using the token lady astronaut's nail file to try to reduce these to the size and color of quarters..." "Endeavour, hurry! You are only three miles from the tollbooth, and at your speed of Mach 10 you will be there in exactly five minutes!" "HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII***KA-BOOM!*** Now THAT was a close call!" "Endeavour, this is the current President of the United States. You are our nation's greatest heroes and I've got cold brewskis waiting for you! And I'm very proud of you, son." > > and most importantly, the Colosseum explodes because it's a > > "collecting dish for centrifugal energy". > > those blasted romans! always collecting our centrifugal energy! > I bet they will use it to create the world's most powerful arbalest! First they collect all our urine, then they collect all our centrifugal energy. They're stealing our wee-wee and our whirliness in order to turn the Colosseum into the world's largest all-yellow spin-art machine in order to trick Rudy Guiliani into coming to Ancient Rome to shut down this perverted whirl-a-wee art exhibition, and then they'll make fun of him for not wearing a Triscuit-like toupee! This segue allows me to finally explain those verses by Martial I quoted in the thread about how smelly Rome was. Last week, I wrote: -> And even the Romans thought fish sauce stunk, or at least the smart -> ones did. Let's ask Martial to drop us some zingers: -> -> Unguentum fuerat, quod onyx modo parva gerebat; -> olfecit postquam Papylus, ecce, garum est. Loosely translated (largely due to my own ineptness with Latin), it comes out as something like "It was ointment carried in a small onyx jar. After Papylus smelled it -- behold! It's garum!" -> Of course, without knowing Papylus's taste in perfume, I don't know -> whether that was a condemnation or a recommendation -- I can imagine -> some Romans would enjoy walking around with fish guts in their hair -> all day. They'd smell almost half as bad as Thais: -> -> Tam male Thais olet quam non fullonis avari -> testa vetus, media sed modo fracta via, -> non ab amore recens hircus, non ora leonis, -> non detracta cani Transtiberina cutis, -> pullus abortivo nec cum putrescit in ovo, -> amphora corrupto nec vitiata garo. -> Virus ut hoc alio fallax permutet odore, -> deposita quotiens balnea veste petit, -> psilothro viret aut acida latet oblita creta -> aut tegitur pingui terque quaterque faba. -> Cum bene se tutam per fraudes mille putavit, -> omnia cum fecit, Thaida Thais olet. "Thais smells worse than a penny-pinching fuller's broken jar [of old urine] in the street, worse than a goat that just made love, worse than the mouth of a lion, worse than a dog pelt being tanned across the Tiber [the tanneries were kept across the river in the smelly industrial district], an aborted chicken rotting in an egg, a jug contaminated by moldy garum. She tries to change her odor: Whenever she undresses for a bath she's covered with depilatory, talc, vinegar, and three of four coats of mashed fava beans. She thinks everything's perfect after these thousand tricks, but when all is done, Thais still smells Thais-tacular." I suspect having a primitive version of a Taco Bell side dish packed into her pores is one of the reasons Thais had B.O. I don't know whether she was a real person or if Martial was just picking random names to insult. (The people he hates tend to have Greek names.) A fuller was someone who cleaned/toughened/dyed wool, and urine was part of the process. You have to admire the Roman fullers' business model of setting up public piss-pots so that they could sell customers a service which involved using the costumers' own urine. "Pee here, for free! Then pay us to soak your clothes in your own pee!" Hopefully nobody continues that form of business, especially at Taco Bell. > > That claim is > > given twice in the "Cinefex" article on "The Core", so I'm revising my > > odds on whether "The Core" (which looks to be a super-tarded tupidfest) > > is or is not sillier than "Deep Core" (which has Wil Wheaton.) > > > > I think I need to rent both movies (once I can find a store that can > > rent or sell me "Deep Core" -- it doesn't seem to be in any of the > > stores around here) > > have you tried netflix? I've been considering signing up with them, > since they apparently have many obscure movies. it's also like the > TiVo of mail-order video rentals. Hey, no way am I ever renting anything through the Postal Service. I've been a Book-Of-The-Month Club dupe once in my life, and once was enough. Also, I'd keep making the mistake of throwing bad movies in a trash can instead of a mailbox after watching them. I have a real TiVo, so all I have to do is wait for some channel to become bankrupt enough to have to show "Deep Core", and my TiVo will force me to watch it, whether or not I want to. Except that one of the four disk drives in my TiVos is getting sick, so it's possible that I'll get half of "Deep Core" followed by a system meltdown and a fire that will destroy the entire apartment building, hopefully including the damn laundry room. > > and closely scrutinize them to see which one is the least plausible > > depiction of a completely realistic journey through boiling rock in > > a submarine with a power drill in its nose, then I would use a power > > drill to drill a hole to the core of the Earth and drop both movies > > in to see which one causes the Earth to explode, unless the seaQuest > > can stop me, because I understand that it's fallen through the Earth's > > mantle _again_. Damn that Roy Scheider and his inability to keep his > > submarine in the ocean! > > didn't the glassbottom submarine go to the earth's core, too? they > couldn't seem to keep that submarine in the ocean, either. always > having to fight off space aliens and toy dolls. come to think of it, > the man from atlantis kept having to fight aliens as well. what is > it about the ocean and aliens? The glass-fronted SeaView from Irwin Allen's "Journey To The Bottom Of The Sea" is allowed to fight a different guest star from outer space and/or Hell every week, because that show isn't a serious educational program like the scientifically-accurate "seaQuest DSV", which always ended with an embarrassed-looking Dr. Bob Ballard explaining to the camera precisely how true all of the science on the show was. ("Although scientists have not yet defeated Satan at the bottom of the ocean, with continued oceanic research someday we might. Join us next week for another highly plausible adventure on 'seaQuest DSV'.") The difference between "The Core" and "Deep Core" seems to be similar (although I haven't seen either movie) -- both are dopey bozofests about wacky adventures inside the molten core of the Earth, but "The Core" was made by people who were convinced they were making the most serious piece of realism since "2001" (the director tended to get really irate in interviews when he kept insisting the entire movie was 100% scientifically accurate, and he also seems to have convinced the actors of this, as they kept going on talk shows trying to explain to incredulous hosts that the Earth's core really could cause deadly beams of space light to slice the Golden Gate Bridge in half) while "Deep Core" doesn't have that air of pretentious stupidity around it, just good honest action-movie stupidity. "Deep Core" was made by people who were trying to make a movie really fast while "The Core" was made by people who thought they were doing important work in the field of exploding-planet research. As far as "The Man From Atlantis", remember that "seaQuest" also featured a guy with gills in his armpits so that he could swim like a fish. Kevin Costner also played on in "Waterworld", but let's leave him out of this because we're only discussing things even more ridiculous than "Waterworld". The episode of "seaQuest" where Roy Scheider's submarine fell through the Earth's crust (and dialogue made it clear that eventually the submarine fell all the way beneath the _mantle_) was a pretty typical second-season "seaQuest" episode, in that it involved the submarine being chased around underground by giant worms that fired laser beams from their heads. That was a few weeks before Mark Hamill came in from outer space and abducted the submarine to fight a water on an all-underwater planet that had no submarines of its own, and then the seaQuest was destroyed and everyone was killed, but then ten years later the aliens revived them in whatever spot on Earth where their happiest memory was, so Commander Ford woke up in the shower, just like the guy who played "The Man From Atlantis" did on "Dallas" after the writers realized that TV shows don't need to make any sense. Sadly, "seaQuest" was such a laughing-stock that the network only renewed it twice (probably only keeping it on the air in order to suck up to its creator, Steven Spielberg.) If NBC's "seaQuest" had remained on the air for a fourth season (after its "seaQuest DSV", "seaQuest", and "seaQuest 2032" phases) I'm sure they would have done an episode where the seaQuest travelled back in time to ancient Rome to keep the Romans from stealing all the urine from future Taco Bell restrooms. After all, the _did_ do one where Neptune threw his giant trident at the submarine. Oh, and there was that one about the pushme-pullyu squid that caused the "seaQuest" crew to hoard its glowing poop (which was referred to endlessly as "fish poop" because the extent of Dr. Bob Ballard's scientific advising didn't even cover explaining to them that squids are not fish.) Why do I have to keep reminding you people of these details? You people aren't as familiar with everything that was wrong with "seaQuest" as you should be. You probably don't even remember that the "fish poop" episode had a scene where special guest star Yaphet Kotto said to Roy Scheider, "Feel my buttocks!" I am not making up _anything_ about "seaQuest". -- K. Still, at least I didn't have to pay to watch it by mail. P.S. A warning to anyone who watches movies with me in the next few weeks: I just got a tape of an extremely rare and extremely, extremely, extremely bad movie. It's based on a series of trading cards and stars Anthony Newley and a bunch of midgets dressed as diseased babies. I suspect it will make "Baby Geniuses" seem cute. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: So many dead birds, so little time? Date: Sat, 12 Jul 2003 22:04:47 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 154 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c009.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058061873 1606 208.192.102.9 (13 Jul 2003 02:04:33 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2003 02:04:33 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:483629 Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [some dead guy wrote:] > > > > "Thais smells worse than a penny-pinching fuller's broken jar [of old > > urine] in the street, worse than a goat that just made love, worse > > than the mouth of a lion, worse than a dog pelt being tanned across > > the Tiber [the tanneries were kept across the river in the smelly > > industrial district], > > Oh God. > > My current place of work is on a Superfund site that was once the > location of a tannery. > > When the wind is right, you can tell, and it will doubtless be so until > the year 50,000. JUST FOR MATT! Mystery Science Fiction Theatre 50,000 presents: The Terror Of The Terrible Terrier Tannery! "Hello, I'm Truman Bradley, and these are my two wacky robots, Bowlie D. Pinback and Tors. If you'll just follow me to my lab-o-ratory table, I'll show you something most interesting." "I don't think you could call that mostly interesting." "Quiet, Bowlie. This is my new invention, it's a mechanical arm that saves you time by turning the pages of Scientific American magazine." "Wow! That is a great time-saver! I'm going to use mine to turn the pages of my new issue of Cat Fancy!" "Sorry, Tors, but it only works on Scientific American. In fact, it only works on this one issue from August, 1953." "Hey, Truman, I see from the flashing signal that Martial is calling. you'll have to push the button because my arms fell off again." *click* "Hello there, Matt Of The Three-Toned Hair. Martial The Martian here, and I'm still stranded in Ancient Rome with Clovis and his head of clover--" (Clovis sneezes due to giving himself hay fever) "--and Captain Super Diaper." "I am Captain Super Diaper, because I am wearing a super diaper!" "Shut up, you. Matt, this week, instead of showing you a bad movie, I'm going to read you some poetry about wet dog fur that smells like your office, and just for good measure, the poem is also going to mention goat sex. And I don't mean the one with the dot-C-X in it, either." (a light begins flashing and Matt screams.) "Oh no, we've got Poetry Sign! Aaaaaaaaaaah!" (Matt and the robots run into the ampitheatre. A guy in a filthy toga is reading filthy poetry about odors. Matt and the robots make incredibly funny remarks for the next thirty minutes. Then the funny stuff stops and Gene Rayburn enters.) Gene Rayburn: "At the Roman Colosseum, after the lion fought Gloria, the lion smiled, because he was GLAD-HE-BLANKED-'ER." Brett Somers: "OH I GOT IT I GOT IT!!! He MET her." (A buzzer sounds for eight hours. Then Marc Anthony and Brutus enter and stab Brett Somers. Victor Mature and Alan Ladd enter and stab them. Shakespeare enters and stabs everyone. Russell Crowe dies, even though he's not in this. Matt points out that Russell Crowe was standing in front of a Roman soldier wearing sneakers. Kibo holds up the book "The World Of Roman Costume" and turns to page 121 to show a photo of a statue of a Roman empress who is clearly wearing sneakers. History is ruined!) Matt: "Oh, poo, history is ruined!" Bowlie: "And 'Match Game' is REALLY ruined!" Tors: "I thought the death of Brett improved it, actually." Matt: "Can it, you guys. I'll have to build a time machine so that we can go down to Ancient Rome to stop Martial and Clovis and the Captain from ruining Roman history just to make us listen to some bad poetry." (The hex-field view-screen opens up, and then a curtain behind it rises. Martial is standing behind it.) Martial: "Hey! I heard that! My poetry isn't bad!" Matt: "Yoru spelling is atrocious. I ran your poems through my spell-checker and every word was flagged." Martial: "That's because I'm writing in Latin, not stupid English, you barbaribozo!" Matt: "Nevertheless, your poems stink worse than if McDonalds had McGarum." Tors: "What's garum?" Bowlie: "You know the 'Star Trek' episode 'The Corbomite Maneuver', where Baalok offers Kirk a glass of tranya? In the episode 'Bread & Circuses' they did the same scene, except they changed 'tranya' to a different nonsense word, so William Shatner was offered a sparrow cooked in garum." Tors: "Oh." (Captain Super Diaper accidentally dumps a five-gallon amphora of garum down the back of his diaper.) Captain Super Diaper: "Oh no! I just invented diaper gravy!" Matt: "Diaper? I hardly knew 'er!" (Shakespeare enters and kills everyone again. The end.) -- K. If you weren't Matt, you just wasted your time reading this. And even if you ARE Matt, you'll waste your time if you read the following: One of the five standard punchlines was invented almost 2000 years ago. I'll let Petronius not only tell the joke, but explain it: -> Non minus et Trimalchio eiusmodi methodio laetus: "Carpe!", inquit. -> Processit statim scissor et ad symphoniam gesticulatus ita laceravit -> obsonium, ut putares essedarium hydraule cantante pugnare. -> Ingerebat nihilo minus Trimalchio lentissima voce: "Carpe! Carpe!" -> Ego suspicatus ad aliquam urbanitatem totiens iteratam vocem pertinere, -> non erubui eum qui supra me accumbebat, hoc ipsum interrogare. -> At ille, qui saepius eiusmodi ludos spectaverat: "Vides illum, inquit, -> qui obsonium carpit: Carpus vocatur. Ita quotiescumque dicit 'Carpe', -> eodem verbo et vocat et imperat". (The slave slicing Trimalchio's meat is named something like "Cutter", so Trimalchio is yelling "Cut 'er, Cutter!") ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Scary Airspace Date: Sat, 12 Jul 2003 22:06:14 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 57 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c009.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058061959 1606 208.192.102.9 (13 Jul 2003 02:05:59 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2003 02:05:59 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:483630 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > So, this helicopter just flew by, visible from the > window, and it was towing this ENORMOUS McDonalds > flag advertising their website. But the thing is, > it was national-flag-shaped, and I hadn't really > noticed until just now that they have almost exactly > the same colors as the Soviet flag. > > The flag flying from the helicopter, though, had the big "M" > more centered, and inside a yellow circle, and no text inside > the arches. I think it's the McD "smile" logo. No, the "smile" logo is a rectangle with one parenthesis sunk to the bottom. The circled "M" is a new logo to represent McWireless -- certain McDonalds locations are offering wireless Internet access to anyone who wants to pay to use their laptop computer at McDonalds instead of doing something more logical, such as using their laptop computer anywhere else. The logo is allegedly supposed to look like an "@", but it's bad because it doesn't look like an "@", and even if it did, I think it might be someone else's trademark already. In fact, if you flip through the current Boston Yellow Pages (the Verizon ones, not the no-brand ones) you might even be able to find a picture of an American flag with a circled "@" where the 50 stars should be. I make no apologies for my philosophy of using lots of solid black in phone book ads. (Good typographic design normally involves careful use of whitespace; phone book ads also benefit from a bunch of blackspace, because they're jammed up against a whole lot of clutter. I also like to put big sweeping curves into things I design for the phone book, because they have to be jammed into boxes that are adjacent to a bunch of other boxes, so having a big swoosh of black cutting through your box is a great eye-magnet.) Anyhow, I dug up the press release about McWireless yesterday because I was looking for those dopey photos of Ronald McDonald surfing the Internet -- and I learned that Ronald McDonald is officially referred to as the "Chief Happiness Officer" of McDonalds. That was mentioned in a press release where their board of directors was unveiling their new slogan (which was go great that I've already forgotten it) accompanied by the headline "FALL MARKETING OFFENSIVE ON SCHEDULE." (And yes, their new "marketing offensive" was created by an ad agency in Germany.) In any case, I guarantee you that I'll never post to alt.religion.kibology from McDonalds. I won't even EAT there, so why should I pay them for lame Internet access? -- K. As if using public wireless networks isn't already risky enough, now you can get packet-sniffed at the same time as you get dysentery. "Hey! I was surfing for porn and some clown stole my password!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Las Vegas, NV Date: Sat, 12 Jul 2003 22:09:06 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 25 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c009.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058062131 1606 208.192.102.9 (13 Jul 2003 02:08:51 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2003 02:08:51 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:483631 Jim Blackburn (taeHAWHAW1fra001@sneakemail.com.invalid) wrote: > > Blue Man Group covered me with ticker tape onto which they forgot to print > stock quotes. Was this the late-night performance where they get completely naked? Or am I confusing them with one of the two different Cirque du Soleils that performs in Las Vegas? We have a Blue Man Group in Boston and/or Cambridge as well, unless they've finally been driven out of town. But we've managed to keep Cirque du Soleil out of this area, probably because we're close enough to Quebec that they can smell the poutine vapor wafting across the border, carried through New Hampshire by the bad weather coming down from Canada, so they would get homesick and go back to Quebec. -- K. Suppose Blue Man Group and Cirque du Soleil got into a fight with some of those silver robot mimes from the subway and a Butoh troupe. Would anyone win? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Las Vegas, NV Date: Tue, 15 Jul 2003 22:11:52 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 68 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b163.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058321496 15153 208.192.101.163 (16 Jul 2003 02:11:36 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2003 02:11:36 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:484062 Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Suppose Blue Man Group and Cirque du Soleil got into > > a fight with some of those silver robot mimes from the > > subway and a Butoh troupe. Would anyone win? > > Survival Research Laboratories and Mummenschanz would team up and kick > their asses. Only to meet their greatest challenge: the acrobatic > dancing aliens from the planet Koolamon on "Starman." Not that > "Starman," the other one. [...] > > (Starman may have been the inspiration for "Prince of Space" and also > Space Chief in "Invasion of the Neptune Men," unless it was the other > way around; these episodes are from later than those movies, which were > also probably TV adaptations, but I think the series was pretty > long-running. To add to the confusion, "Prince of Space" is sometimes > titled "Starman," but it's clearly not the same guy. Definitely the > same genre, though. Starman differs from the others in that while he > is wearing street clothes instead of his superhero leotard, he is still > the most supercool stone-faced guy in the universe and does not do any > bootblacking.) I swear that while the subway train was shaking my computer up and down when I tried to read the phrase "instead of his superhero leotard" directly above the phrase "the universe" like that, my brain saw "in his urine-soaked leotard", and that made "Starman" even more Japanese. In any case, if you're going to keep reminding me of all the horrifying details of all the bad DVDs we've watched, I'm going to stop showing you any more bad DVDs. You'll just have to watch my VHS of "The Garbage Pail Kids" over and over. Or at least until you can explain it to me. I would also like you to explain why the bus I'm currently on (the free shuttle between Andrew station and South Bay Plaza half a mile away) has a logo for some regional transit authority which is nowhere near here, but I don't know which it is because the logo is so horrible. It either says "M/RTA", "NVRTA", "/WRTA", or maybe "MVRTA" ("Mohawk Valley Regional Transportation Authority"?) This is because it looks like this: /|/|/RTA ...except all joined together into one big squiggle. Maybe it's the same company that makes those Russian hockey jerseys I like. Wait a second, I just remembered I have a magnifying glass: # # ########### ## ## ## # # ## # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### # # # # ## ## # # # ##### # # # # # # # # So, Matt, please explain that logo instead of explaining about Japanese men prancing about in leotards. -- K. I agree with Herb Lubalin that Avant Garde Gothic should not have been allowed to fall into the hands of people such as bus companies. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: Las Vegas, NV Date: Tue, 15 Jul 2003 22:30:29 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 37 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b163.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058322613 23892 208.192.101.163 (16 Jul 2003 02:30:13 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2003 02:30:13 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:484073 While I was on a bus, I wrote: > > I would also like you to explain why the bus I'm currently on (the free > shuttle between Andrew station and South Bay Plaza half a mile away) > has a logo for some regional transit authority which is nowhere near > here, but I don't know which it is because the logo is so horrible. [...] > > > # # ########### > ## ## ## # # ## > # # # # # # # # # # > # # # # # #### # # # > # ## ## # # # ##### > # # # # # # # # Now that I'm home and connected to the Internet, by a process of elimination I decided it says "MVRTA" because www.mvrta.com has the closest equivalent of that logo, even if the one on the Web site is all melted-looking and not the blocky ITC Avant Garde Gothic Bold Trainwreck thing that's on the buses. So it says "Merrimack Valley Regional Transportation Authority", meaining the bus somehow serves that part of the boondocks way up north near New Hampshire by going back and forth between a subway station and a mall, both of which are in South Boston. I wonder if this means that somewhere in Lawrence, Methuen, or Haverhill there's a bus driving through the wilderness with a sign that says "Super 88 Supermarket". -- K. Rule of thumb #728: Your official logo should never be inspired by your beloved childhood Slinky raping some consonants. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Short, Shameless Review: Pinellas Park Library Date: Sat, 12 Jul 2003 22:12:00 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 82 Message-ID: References: <20030707094233.03488.00000383@mb-m12.aol.com> <3f09b406.149617228@news.eastlink.ca> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c009.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058062306 1606 208.192.102.9 (13 Jul 2003 02:11:46 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2003 02:11:46 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:483632 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > "Lots42 The Library Avenger" (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > Now this is a library. It would make Don Saklad weep with joy. > > It has specific sections for everything. Buffy novels, Dr. Who, > > Rolling Stone magazines, puzzles, sci-fi, star trek, star wars and > > on and on and on. It's just wonderful. I wish I lived next door to it. > > Did anyone else notice the library offerings deemed praiseworthy by > Mister Forty-Two? Kevin? Matt? Did I miss the mention of classics > of literature, new works of fiction and non-fiction, rare periodicals, > collections of poetry, research materials, art compendia? Those > things that in my day made a library great? > > Now it's the inclusion of a dedicated Buffy-novel section. And on and on. > > Weep, WEEP for the next generation! Yeah. Lots2 left out all the important things you can get in any reputable bookstore, such as graphic novels, Chris Isaak CDs, coloring books, Nintendo games, books that come with a Koosh tied to them, books on tape, Bill Cosby, pop-ups, Deepak Chopra, Frappucino, and bookmarks made from real dollar bills. Know what depresses me? I'm still trying to get the first volume of that damn three-volume series of Latin poems I've been reading, and most bookstores don't even have a section for classical literature. Barnes & Noble has "Penguin Classics" section, but they're all the red-stripe ones (written in English) or yellow-stripe ones (Tolstoy, Dumas, and things translated from other random languages); the purple- stripe ones (translated from Greek or Latin) are filed under "History", which is a really stupid place to put poetry. Basically, Barnes & Noble separates things by how old they are -- current stuff is "Fiction", stuff from 20 years ago is "Literature", stuff from 100 years ago is "Classics", stuff from 400 years ago is "Shakespeare" (he has to be kept from touching from people like Christopher Marlowe) and stuff from 2000 years ago is "History". And they absolutely will not carry anything written in a dead language, it's an English-only store. Borders has a different system. They have a section named "Classical Studies". It's books about music. The Latin and Greek translations are in "History". I haven't checked to see how far apart they have to keep Shakespeare, Marlowe, and Bacon. But I've been doing most of my book-shopping at Borders lately 'cause they do at least have books in funny languages (recently I've bought one bilingual Old English book, one Middle English book, and several bilingual Latin ones. I shall not attempt Greek.) The "History" sections in chain bookstores like this are just catch-all dumping-grounds for any sort of stuff geared to any particular region or ethnicity. The "Medieval History" subsections are always severely contaminated with crapola about wytchkraft, modern novels set in the imaginary Middle Ages, and sometimes even the coin-collecting books and some of the travel books get put there because they don't know where else to put them. The "Ancient History" section is relatively free of stuff that doesn't belong there (except that all the ancient literature gets put there) until you get to the end of the shelf where the stuff on Egypt is kept, and suddenly it's mostly junk. You know, "books" that consist of a box of rubber stamps with the Hieroglyphic symbols for "A" through "Z" sold as "Write Your Name In Hieroglyphics". I don't object to bookstores having stuff about magical pyramid powers that allow you to speed-seduce people, I just find it insulting that they take Henry Ford's approach and make the word "History" synonymous with "Bunk". And don't even get me started on all the "Shakespeare For Dummies" stuff in the "Shakespeare" section. You, too, can read Shakespeare without ever having to read what he wrote! -- K. I like the used bookstores that actually throw out the stuff they don't think anyone needs, such as "Your 1973 Aquarius Horoscope". The ones that are selective have all sorts of good reading, while the ones that just fill up their shelves with whatever comes in eventually become nothing but books nobody wants. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Short, Shameless Review: Pinellas Park Library Date: Tue, 15 Jul 2003 22:14:59 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 72 Message-ID: References: <20030707094233.03488.00000383@mb-m12.aol.com> <3f09b406.149617228@news.eastlink.ca> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b163.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058321683 15153 208.192.101.163 (16 Jul 2003 02:14:43 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2003 02:14:43 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:484064 [regarding my complaint about the "crapola" that gets filed under "History" in bookstores] Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > I get depressed looking in the science section, too. Usually there at > least ARE some science books in the science section. But science > popularizations are a distressingly uneven lot, and it's impossible for > the casual reader to tell the good popularizations from the crap. > There's a long-standing tradition of fringe characters taking their > revolutionary theories to the masses through popular literature when > the entrenched vested interests point out that they have no idea what > they are talking about, and also a whole sub-industry (going back at > least a century, and probably longer) devoted to books about how > scientific breakthroughs of today are just starting to prove the > existence of God. > > The books for kids tend to be better than the ones for adults. No wonder Achimedes Plutonium is better-educated than we are! I suppose I could start doing my book-shopping in the children's section, but I doubt I could find a "Beowulf" in Old English for children there, unless it's a comic book based on the really, really, really terrible movie that had the "Highlander" guy AND NO FREAKIN' DRAGON! (From the same people who brought you a remake of "Star Wars" without spaceships and "Gone With The Wind" without the Civil War and "Fight Club" without anything disturbing, it's "Beowulf" without the dragon!) I think that one of the reasons that children's non-fiction and literature tends to have relatively high standards of quality is that writing for children requires the author to write carefully and think about every sentence, every phrase, and every word (just as a good writer of instruction manuals would), whereas for adults, you can get away with typing out junk as fast as you can. This is one of the many reasons I've seen so many grown-ups reading "Harry Potter" books on the subway -- sure, they're children's literature, but they're well-written enough that some people might prefer well-written children's literature to sloppy grown-up literature. That, and a lot of people are bozos. -> Harry Potter Fan's Magic Attempt Sets House Ablaze -> -> Thu July 10, 2003 10:59 AM ET -> -> MADRID (Reuters) - A woman set her Madrid home on fire as she cooked -> up a potion in an attempt to imitate the fictional wizard Harry Potter, -> emergency services said. -> -> The 21-year-old was rescued Wednesday by firemen and treated for minor -> injuries, but half her home was destroyed. -> -> The ambulance service said she had told them she was trying to emulate -> the boy magician, hero of the books by J K Rowling that have been a -> sensation among adults and children alike. -> -> For want of more magical ingredients, the woman cooked up a potion of -> water, oil, alcohol and toothpaste, local media reported. It was unclear -> what spell she was trying to weave. The "make half my house disappear" spell, silly! -- K. People who think "Harry Potter" spells really work are dumb, especially if they don't realize you can't just substitute regular toothpaste for the Harry's magickal booger-flavored toothpaste! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Short, Shameless Review: Pinellas Park Library Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2003 03:46:17 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 56 Message-ID: References: <20030707094233.03488.00000383@mb-m12.aol.com> <3f09b406.149617228@news.eastlink.ca> <1fy0aui.l7vc7wicqhhyN%gergen@armory.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b167.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058082363 20752 208.192.101.167 (13 Jul 2003 07:46:03 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2003 07:46:03 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:483674 N. Gergen (gergen@armory.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Know what depresses me? I'm still trying to get the first volume > > of that damn three-volume series of Latin poems I've been reading, > > and most bookstores don't even have a section for classical literature. > > Gripe, gripe, gripe! And you live how far from Cambridge? Not to > mention all those other places with Latin mottoes in "your fair city". > They just don't write themselves, eh? It's like you're just writing this > stuff to comp... uh, never mind. Cambridge is on the far side of the river! Where it smells like wet dogs being made into shoe leather! > Maybe my sister has some Latin books lying around, she does that sort of > thing for a living. That is, she's a Classics grad student; that is, she > teaches Greek and Roman mythology to freshman. Which doesn't really mean > that's her "profession", more like she's a "sales associate" for dead > languages. Hey, does she give lessons? Will she do Latin instruction in my home? I have some equipment, but is there an extra charge if she has to bring her own whip? > I've never understood the allure of Latin. You can't hit on chyks with > it, at least those that aren't zombies. Oh, come on. There's a "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episode where Wesley has just returned from Starfleet Academy and after having not seen him for a year, Captain Picard greets Wesley in Latin just to see if he's become fluent in that tongue. So if Patrick Stewart can hit on Wil Wheaton in Latin, surely I can use it to pick up sexy chicks, or at least Radcliffe chicks. I'm going over to Bartley's right now to carve "ABEMUS INCENA BURGER BURGER BURGER BURGER" into the table. > And you can't watch stuff like fake game shows with people dressed up > as insects and fake exercise shows where some guy force feeds people > ice cream covered in soy sauce in order to keep your language skills > fresh... Yeah, the Romans didn't have any sort of sadistic entertainment like that. > > I like the used bookstores that actually throw out the stuff they > > don't think anyone needs, such as "Your 1973 Aquarius Horoscope". > > What about the ones that have a decent selection but half of the books > are in four foot stacks on the floor? Hey, this isn't a bookstore! Get out of my apartment! -- K. And don't let the neighbor's cat in or we'll never find her! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Long Lost Summers Date: Sat, 12 Jul 2003 22:15:01 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 63 Message-ID: References: <3f0f6baf.255015783@news.eastlink.ca> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c009.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058062486 1606 208.192.102.9 (13 Jul 2003 02:14:46 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2003 02:14:46 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:483633 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Does anyone (or anyone's children) catch fireflies in old mayonnaise > jars anymore? No, they use NEW mayonnaise jars. Also they don't catch fireflies, because fireflies went extinct in 1979, on the same day that "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" premiered. But kids do indeed still catch creepy-crawlies in food containers. Then they sell the jars to Taco Bell to put refried beans in. > Break a popsicle in half to share with a friend? I have never, ever, EVER been able to break a Twin Pop down the middle without both halves shattering and falling off the sticks, so I'm GLAD those went extinct in 1980, on the same day that "Galactica 1980" premiered. > Put the popsicle stick down on the sidewalk to attract ants and then > incinerate the ants with a magnifying glass and the Incredible Power > of Our Friend the Sun? Magnifying glasses are unnecessary for this in our modern era, thanks to the Earth's ozone layer having been peeled back like the skin of an orange in 1981, on the same day that "Galactica 1980" was cancelled. > Go swimming in a "crick?" Today our modern creeks are protected from the environment by a thick layer of plastic on top of them. But if your kids have a chainsaw they can still slice through to see the slurry beneath. > Scare the crap out of your big sister by coming up to her with a June > bug concealed in your grimy fist? June bugs are so last month. > Put a paying card in the spokes of your bike to make that cool flappy > sound? I keep my paying cards in my modern futuristic wallet, thank you very much. I take them to stores and slide them through highly technological machines that ask me whether I want to "ENTER O YES" or "CANCEL X NO". > Make s'mores? Why make them when you can buy a cereal that's supposed to taste like them? I think there's a Gatorade in S'Mores flavor, too. > Run through the sprinkler in your underpants? Well, we can still make that joke, because urinary incontinence is still funny. -- K. And now I'm going to go wee. "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" That joke comes courtesy Benny Hill, master of the use-mention distinction in excretory contexts. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Long Lost Summers Date: Tue, 22 Jul 2003 21:38:37 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 28 Message-ID: References: <3f0f6baf.255015783@news.eastlink.ca> <3f0f7a09.258690467@news.eastlink.ca> <3F0FA610.E7B5CD7F@pt.lu> <8uqvgv437nier3kukvbpv1afrjtgbp2af4@4ax.com> <5cq5hv4b9i2v6cdnjhlajii95qkd1kp49v@4ax.com> <3f12ed12.64542266@news.eastlink.ca> <7c26hv0jr3cud862ku639d5tspb2jc281l@4ax.com> <3f130e87.73107543@news.eastlink.ca> <1fycyfp.orb93v10zswumN%mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent> <3f19f8b9.84134539@news.eastlink.ca> <1fye4hv.mktee7rsh6nhN%mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b161.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058924317 32318 208.192.101.161 (23 Jul 2003 01:38:37 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 23 Jul 2003 01:38:37 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:485000 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > I have discovered that my new house has a built in day spa in the > laundry room. While you do laundry, pulsing water massages you all over > your aching, sore, not in the mood to do laundry or mop gallons of water > off the laundry room floor body. Uh... Paula... that's a washing machine. -- K. I was going to put in a big block of filler here to make this article longer, but I didn't, because I was busy thinking about how I can schedule my laundry for as few days as possible per year. I think I've got it down to a rigorous schedule which will leave me with free time all the time except for every fifth Thursday morning at 3am, unless I miss a session, in which case my clothes explode. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Another Question Date: Sat, 12 Jul 2003 22:17:26 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 31 Message-ID: References: <3f0b407e.251113612@news.eastlink.ca> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c009.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058062631 1606 208.192.102.9 (13 Jul 2003 02:17:11 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2003 02:17:11 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:483634 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > While on our road trip we chanced to see a large al-yoo-minee-yum > tanker truck which bore the legend: "Food Grade Liquid." > > Eeeuu. That *sounds* really bad--- but do any of you know what "food > grade liquid" actually is? Milk is a food grade liquid, one > presumes--- but why not just say, for example, "Milk?" Because it can't be milk because "food grade liquid" means it's not food, in the same way that "cheese food" means "not cheese", and "semi-precious" means "not precious" aka "driveway gravel soaked in dye", and "laser-printer quality" means "not a laser printer and therefore not laser-printer quality", and "gold-filled" means "filled with brass". "Food grade liquid" is probably just an emulsifier added to another emulsifier to create goop with no nutritional value, no flavor, no color, and no texture, but they put it in a truck anyway just to make really messy accidents so they can get on TV when the truck crashes. Incidentally, was it a plain aluminum truck, or a duraluminum truck? The difference is that when they're extruding the aluminum, they add dur to it. This is done by having a guy dressed as a wizard waving his wand over the molten metal as he yells "DUR! DUR! DURRRR!!!!" -- K. Some cheaper companies dress him as a pirate instead of a wizard, but that doesn't work as well because molten aluminum hates pirates. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: *fwooOOOM!* death by grill Date: Sat, 12 Jul 2003 22:18:08 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 52 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c009.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058062673 1606 208.192.102.9 (13 Jul 2003 02:17:53 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2003 02:17:53 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:483635 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > Having refinanced our home, the lovely wife and I had some extra moneys. > Rather than something practical, we bought a new grill. > > The past few nights have been a meat filled orgy of deliciousity. > > Thursday: sausages > Friday: bratwurst, steak, chicken, hot dogs > Saturday: hot dogs > Sunday: flesh of Christ > Wednesday: steak > Thursday: steak > > However, it nearly killed me last night. > > Its suggested method for cooking said steaks is to leave both dampers > open, to get the grill good and hot (700+). Sear steaks 1.5-3 minutes a > side. Close dampers, leave steak in grill another couple minutes until > done. > > In BIG LETTERS with those instructions is a warning about closing the > dampers when the grill is so hot. Before opening the lid, be sure to > open the dampers first to avoid FLAMING DEATH! I recently bought a blowtorch. A safety sticker on the back of it says "Do not use while sleeping." I can't figure out whether this is because maybe Sears sells the same propane bottles as grill accessories, or whether they just think I'm stupid enough to kill myself but smart enough to file a lawsuit. You didn't say what sort of gas your grill uses. If it's propane, you might want to switch to one that you're allowed to use in bed. And if your grill runs on natural gas, you might get better results with an unnatural gas -- I hear that MAPP gas can do a steak in two seconds. It's called MAPP gas because it's what the Christian Scientists use to pump up that big globe in the Mapparium. Someone else in the Boston area can explain the Mapparium to you people. And to me. Frankly, I can't figure it out. What does it do, and why? -- K. Speaking of blowtorches, I finally got a can of pickle, but now I need something to keep it warm in. Does anyone have a recommendation for a model of Betty Crocker crockpot that resists hot sulfuric acid? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: *fwooOOOM!* death by grill Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2003 02:59:45 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 61 Message-ID: References: <1fy0599.1hdagozm9b2gmN%gergen@armory.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b167.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058079573 636 208.192.101.167 (13 Jul 2003 06:59:33 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2003 06:59:33 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:483665 N. Gergen (gergen@armory.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Speaking of blowtorches, I finally got a can of pickle, > > but now I need something to keep it warm in. Does anyone > > have a recommendation for a model of Betty Crocker crockpot > > that resists hot sulfuric acid? > > What? You mean they aren't all made of ceramic any more? I think we > used one-a them in class. Try a thrift store, I'm sure they'd even > have some that you could use in your sleep. > > Unless there's a secret collector's market in Boston for appliances > colored Avocado or Harvest Gold. I have no idea what those things are made of. I've never bought any cooking appliances except for lots of aluminum foil, and one saucepan I replace every couple months because I accidentally destroy it. > Oh, and sulfuric? I guess it takes all kinds... I remember using > hydrochloric but these days I prefer phosphoric... that's another > story... and it probably doesn't have much to do with non-ferrous > metals. I'm using Sparex #2 (sodium bisulfate) on my silver. It was either that or citric acid, and I didn't want to be around any raw materials that might spontaneously evolve into Sour Patch Kids which might then evolve into Garbage Pail Kids. So, yeah, I'm going to cook a pot of hot, tangy sulfuric acid salt. You got a problem with that, buster? If so, I won't invite you over for a gourmet dinner cooked entirely with aluminum foil except for the Hamburger Helper made in a crockpot that's been filled with hot drain-cleaner enriched with the delicious tang of argyria. > So does this mean that if the revolution comes, you're going to hop > on the T and shout "The meat-bots are coming! The meat-bots are coming!" I think it would be more like "Huzzah! I have a blowtorch! Fine silver melts at 1761 degrees Fahrenheit -- DO YOU?" -- K. I just realized that when I opened my clogged sink drain with Drano last night, I never even considered using the sodium bisulfate or the lye I've been using on my metals. What sort of fool am I to have lye but not use it? Any problem can be solved with lye! P.S. I'm really disappointed that was your reaction to my mention of having a "can of pickle" instead of a reference to Leah's famous attempt to eat a "can of pickle". Please make more callbacks because otherwise I'll forget about important historical events such as Leah's pickle. Thank you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: *fwooOOOM!* death by grill Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2003 04:08:54 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 73 Message-ID: References: <1fy0599.1hdagozm9b2gmN%gergen@armory.com> <1fy0eap.uoagka1mnsvyxN%gergen@armory.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b167.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058083721 5626 208.192.101.167 (13 Jul 2003 08:08:41 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2003 08:08:41 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:483677 N. Gergen (gergen@armory.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > What sort of fool am I to have lye but not use it? Any problem can > > be solved with lye! > > Uh-huh, sweet little lye flakes. I once heard a painful anecdote > involving a brewery worker, a potty break and a stray lye flake. I don't have the flake sort of lye, unless you count that box of Monopoly-flavored cereal I ate last week. I have liquid lye with green dye in it ("Pequa" brand drain opener) which works just great for etching aluminum to make it all pearly. And hell yeah is that stuff dangerous. You can burn yourself without even touching it because the fizzy bubbles jump out of the glass and onto your skin from several inches away. I need to get some long tongs (I haven't been wearing my hazmat suit because I don't want to get caustic burns on my beautiful hazmat suit.) So tell us the story about the lye guy. You can swallow a quart of blood before you get sick. > > P.S. I'm really disappointed that was your reaction to my mention of > > having a "can of pickle" instead of a reference to Leah's famous > > attempt to eat a "can of pickle". Please make more callbacks > > because otherwise I'll forget about important historical events > > such as Leah's pickle. Thank you. > > SORRY! I haven't been to Trader Joe's in at least six months. What > about you? At least three, four months. I've been getting my office snacks at Walgreen's instead because I decided I'd rather live off Kool-Aid squeeze bottles, V-8, and Hormel canned chili rather than pay for one of Trader Joe's surprise items. ("What will the taquitos taste like this week? Find out for three bucks! That's a small price to pay to discover what's turned icky since your last visit!") And when I buy groceries on the way home from work, now I walk the half mile to Stop & Shop #1 (the one with the weird half-covered parking lot with the walkway down the middle, I always refer to this wonder of International Style architecture as looking like a "Captain Scarlet" miniature) rather than going to Trader Joe's. Trader Joe's is responsible for me getting extra excercise. On the other hand, after going to the Stop & Shop, I have to wait for the bus in front of that pet-care place which always has the murals of horribly deformed dogs painted on the front window. At least they change them every few months so it's been a while since I had to look at that bulldog riding the pogo stick that was supposed to be a bicycle in a universe that hasn't even discovered orthogonal perspective. > I tried looking for those pickles when she first wrote about them, but > all I found was the botulism soup from Germany. I never found them here, either. They may have been exclusive to Trader Joe's West, but if so that's the only difference I've been able to find between the two divisions. Maybe we should get Trader Joe's to merge with BAP*GEON to see how they resolve the conflicting boundaries. You can swallow a teaspoon of Trader Joe's soup before you get sick. > Last time I was there they had savory puffed corn snacks called "Veggie > Booty" and "Cheese Booty" with a pirate on the bags saying various > pirate-y things. Don't forget the pretzel sticks with a drawing of the gayest guy ever to wear lederhosen. -- K. And "Cat Cookies For People". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: *fwooOOOM!* death by grill Date: Tue, 15 Jul 2003 22:08:06 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 54 Message-ID: References: <1fy0599.1hdagozm9b2gmN%gergen@armory.com> <1fy0eap.uoagka1mnsvyxN%gergen@armory.com> <1fy0ied.5mit7dobj7b3N%gergen@armory.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b163.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058321270 15153 208.192.101.163 (16 Jul 2003 02:07:50 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2003 02:07:50 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:484060 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > N. Gergen (gergen@armory.com) wrote: > > > > Here's where I'd continue my exploration of grocery store layout > > if I weren't so damn sleepy. Here's what I'm working on so far: > > grocery store entrances used to have entrances perpendicular > > to their fronts, but not anymore. Unless the Midwest subscribes > > to a different grocery store design trade magazine than the > > West Coast. > > A data point for your scientific inquiry: > > The older Albertson's in Boise have the doors perpendicular to the > front of the building. The newer ones, built in the last couple of > years, have the doors parallel with the front of the building. Sadly, > there is nothing but silence about this vast right-wind conspiracy. I know not of this "per-pend-ic-ular" of which you speak, Earthman. I shop at the Prudential Shaw's which is shaped like a fake rubber vomit made from origami, and does not contain your Earth perp-end-i-culars. It is a proper futuristic space supermarket, because in space there is no "up" or "down", and no "right" or "wrong", therefore it is impossible for this supermarket to contain a "right" angle. That would be wrong. And then there's the Bread & Circus down the street -- it's a circle; and the Star up north somewhere between Arlmont and Belmington -- it's an equilateral triangle. (Cue a Dalek shouting "E-QUI-LA-TER-AL TRUMPS PER-PEN-DIC-U-LAR!" over and over until it explodes. Except in the Bread & Circus, where they have to play the "Star Trek" gladiatorial combat music instead.) So here's a different data point which is completely useless because it's data for something irrelevant: I was just at my favorite art-supply store buying some walnut scraps and aluminum tubes (yes, just like Saddam Hussein) and the clerk at the checkout was, as usual for this store, a college-age female with multicolored spiky hair and a torn T-shirt. However, it was a desert camouflage T-shirt being worn inside-out. I figured if I pointed out that it was inside out she'd yell "DURHEY, YOU'RE VERY OBSERVANT, EIN (long pause) STEIN!" because it must be on purpose. Is this a new thing? Or an old thing I'm too square to have noticed? Does this mean that "Back To The Future II" is finally coming true and we'll all get futuristic Eighties-style segmented-shoulder jackets with primitive Votrax speech synthesizers? -- K. I should add that this is the same store where a clerk once asked me, "Are you a scientist?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: *fwooOOOM!* death by grill Date: Tue, 15 Jul 2003 23:44:38 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 35 Message-ID: References: <1fy0599.1hdagozm9b2gmN%gergen@armory.com> <1fy0eap.uoagka1mnsvyxN%gergen@armory.com> <1fy0ied.5mit7dobj7b3N%gergen@armory.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c010.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058327064 16720 208.192.102.10 (16 Jul 2003 03:44:24 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2003 03:44:24 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:484094 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I was just at my favorite art-supply store buying some walnut scraps > > and aluminum tubes (yes, just like Saddam Hussein) and the clerk at > > the checkout was, as usual for this store, a college-age female with > > multicolored spiky hair and a torn T-shirt. However, it was a > > desert camouflage T-shirt being worn inside-out. I figured if I > > pointed out that it was inside out she'd yell "DURHEY, YOU'RE VERY > > OBSERVANT, EIN (long pause) STEIN!" because it must be on purpose. > > Is this a new thing? Or an old thing I'm too square to have noticed? > > Maybe there was a stain on the outside. Duuuuuude, it's an art-supply store. You're REQUIRED to have eight colors of glop all over your body in order to be not kicked out of there as a poseur. And in any case, it was a camo shirt. I think this is just a new style that people like you aren't cool enough to embrace. However, I have decided to form a focus group to determine whether to authorize myself to adopt this style in order to be "cool", which Webster's dictionary defines as "possessing coolness" in slang which is permissible to be used in many informal venues if moderation is observed. Harumph. -- K. All good speechwriters know to rely on a public-domain "Webster's Dictionary" and not any of those _proprietary_ ones full of made-up words people invented after 1800. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: *fwooOOOM!* death by grill Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2003 23:18:09 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 29 Message-ID: References: <1fy0599.1hdagozm9b2gmN%gergen@armory.com> <1fy0eap.uoagka1mnsvyxN%gergen@armory.com> <1fy0ied.5mit7dobj7b3N%gergen@armory.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c015.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058498270 379 208.192.102.15 (18 Jul 2003 03:17:50 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 18 Jul 2003 03:17:50 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:484482 Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Duuuuuude, it's an art-supply store. You're REQUIRED to have eight > > colors of glop all over your body in order to be not kicked out of > > there as a poseur. And in any case, it was a camo shirt. > > Since you have not called dibs on this GENIUS! idea, I'm going to patent > the food-spill camo shirt. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude, you are almost as cool as Ronald McDonald. He thought of that idea long ago and even extended it to his shoes and hair. Ketchup is his secret to keeping his new dreadlocks so light'n'poofy. > Soon I shall be up to my nipples in money. He did that, too. I hear he sleeps in a giant bowl of breaded, deep-fried money. -- K. And then there's paisley. Proof that William Morris was thinking, "What can I do to disguise the fact that I get really sloppy when I eat paramecia with my hands?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: *fwooOOOM!* death by grill Date: Tue, 15 Jul 2003 22:05:05 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 76 Message-ID: References: <8grtgv8cgjomdjnhakk1c4sjp7agh14v0n@4ax.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b163.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058321092 15153 208.192.101.163 (16 Jul 2003 02:04:52 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2003 02:04:52 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:484057 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > PS: Did you notice how quiet it's gotten in this thread. I don't think > > many Kibo people cook. I think they heat things up and eat them out of > > the cans they came in. > > Or maybe they cook but aren't willing to get into an argument over their > method of cooking versus another's. That's what rec.food.cooking is for > and it gets plenty nasty enough without having the Kibological version of > it, thankyouverymuch. It's because everyone here already understands that the one true correct method of cooking is to line a disposable pie pan with foil, dump the food in, put foil over the top, and cook it for 60-120 minutes at 350 degrees F until everything gets nice and moist. You get good chewy pasta that way (but you have to be sure to get all the noodles coated with sauce before you wrap them up.) Makes great squishy vegetables if you bake them for a couple hours, too (I like my broccoli mushy.) Almost all eatables can be cooked by slow-baking (a method I like because I get distracted by things like writing this junk, if you overcook something by 30 minutes it's still edible) and the only equipment needed are the disposable pie pan (which you re-use) and some throwaway foil. (Don't recycle! Recycling scrap aluminum will just enourage World War II to happen again.) For liquids such as soup, line the pie plate with foil, dump in the can of soup, and bake a while. You will need to stir it afterwards to dissolve the skin, but it works fine. Of course overcooking a cream soup can curdle it, but on the stove top that would happen in moments, whereas in the oven it takes a lot longer to ruin something. For fried food, such as breaded chicken whatevers, you just put a flat piece of foil on one of the oven racks (not all the way across -- don't cover the entire surface, just the middle 2/3) and spray it with spray oil. Then spread out the box of chicken nodules and give them a light spray of oil too. Bake at 350 for a while or 400 for a shorter while. (A guy here in the subway is playing "Greensleeves" on a guitar, in the typical oh-so-slow fashion, because everything in the Middle Ages happened aaaat aaaaa slowwww paaaaace.) I have not tried the traditional method of wrapping a fish in foil and running it through the dishwasher, partly because I don't eat fish that's not breaded and fried, and partly because I never use my dishwasher. And I certainly am not going to try Archimedes Plutonium's crazy scheme of putting a cod in the microwave until it explodes, because whoever heard of fine cuisine which involved a microwave? How nutty is that? -- K. One of my current favorites: Bag of chicken tortellini; Can of chicken a la king. Spray foil-lined pan with oil, add tortellini, cover with chicken a la king (make sure they all get wet), cover with another piece of foil that's been sprayed, bake for 60-90 at 350. This also works with canned chili over macaroni, but you absolutely must add a little extra water (so that the insides of the hollow noodles can get steamed) and you may not use chili with beans in it (beans and noodles clash.) Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go buy a crockpot to not cook food in. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: *fwooOOOM!* death by grill Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2003 23:16:43 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 43 Message-ID: References: <3f14ccdb.187366909@news.eastlink.ca> <8gpahv4va36jbhute5frpdgf4h357qskqn@4ax.com> <2m1bhv0fsod21qjr3kfe54hcuu4s0cjvre@4ax.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c015.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058498185 379 208.192.102.15 (18 Jul 2003 03:16:25 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 18 Jul 2003 03:16:25 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:484481 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > [from an cooking magazine's article on how to cook pork:] > > > > The texture is chewy-tender, with a good "squeak" between the teeth, > > This is 1 theory that I believe may not be cursed or rotting, but don't > tell Kurt. I think well-cooked pork should not only squeak between the teeth, but also squeak everywhere else. Going in, coming out, everywhere in between. I don't understand why people get so insistent that all meat in the world must be cooked to exactly the same temperature. Is it no longer allowed to order your steak cooked well-done if the guy next to you wants his medium? > > and a sensation like that of biting into a > > crisp apple, the mouth flooding with juice. > > York! Porkermint! Patties! "When I bite into a York Porermint Patty, I get the sensation that I'm skiing naked down a mountain of lard..." -- K. I was going to make a "SENSations" joke just for Etienne, but then I remembered that being unable to find the Jersey Redemption Table is NOT FUNNY. Why do they have to make it so hard to get rid of Maple Leafs jerseys? P.S. Between the time I composed this on the train and the time I posted it from home, I stopped at the market and bought some pork chops, and made myself some nice chewy pork chops with wasabi and barbecue sauce. Side dishes were a packet of Japanese pickled bamboo, some artificial potato chips, and some kosher red licorice to complete this perfectly balanced meal. In fact, since it was my first meal of the day, it was a complete breakfast, and I did it without any help from Kellogg's. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: *fwooOOOM!* death by grill Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2003 22:54:07 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 51 Message-ID: References: <8grtgv8cgjomdjnhakk1c4sjp7agh14v0n@4ax.com> <3f14ccdb.187366909@news.eastlink.ca> <8gpahv4va36jbhute5frpdgf4h357qskqn@4ax.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c015.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058496829 10062 208.192.102.15 (18 Jul 2003 02:53:49 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 18 Jul 2003 02:53:49 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:484471 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Even people who say they cook don't really cook; they assemble meals > from prepared ingredients. Or worse, they assemble meals from unprepared ingredients, which is why that Greek diner in Cambridge will serve you a hamburger they grilled with the plastic wrap still on it. > And the more they do it, the more difficult it becomes to find food > in its raw state. The local Albertson's even has a whole cooler devoted > to something they call "Meal in a Minute." The cooler's contents change > every day, but a typical meal in a minute would be some sort of > microwaveable entree, a pre-mixed salad, prepared salad drressing, > microwaveable rice, and a Pudding Pop. Yours include Pudding Pops? Oh man. At the Shaw's I have to do so much work to get a TV dinner and a Pudding Pop from separate shelves! But Shaw's still wins because they have the "Hail Chicken Caesar Twister", which is a more bozotic name than anything Albertson's might sell, even if they've added a third or fourth clone of Dr Pepper named something like "Dr Aepper". > Don't even get me started on brined pork, the most egregious example > of catering to people who don't cook. Pork is much leaner than it was > 30 years ago, yet people still believe that pork must be cooked to 180 > degrees. People try to cook a pork chop, it turns into shoe leather, > and they don't buy any more pork chops. So Hormel and most of the big > pork producers have begun brining the pork, so you get the privilege > of paying for up to 12% saltwater. Yeah, they should leave the brine out to make it easier to turn it into shoe leather, because meat SHOULD be dry and chewy! > PS: My wife worked with a woman who thought it was a stunning > achievement to heat two Marie Callenders Frozen Dinners, make a salad, > and slice some French bread for her an her daughter. French bread's easier to slice than normal bread because of the diameter. Of course, that wasn't good enough for the people who invented breadsticks, and then those tiny little twig-shaped pretzels the size of breaded hairs. I don't know what the next stage down from those would be. Maybe those extruded cardboard hyphens La Choy calls "chow mein noodles"? -- K. I put a lot of thought into whether to call them hyphens or dashes. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: *fwooOOOM!* death by grill Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2003 01:35:05 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 95 Message-ID: References: <8grtgv8cgjomdjnhakk1c4sjp7agh14v0n@4ax.com> <3f14ccdb.187366909@news.eastlink.ca> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c010.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058333689 25736 208.192.102.10 (16 Jul 2003 05:34:49 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2003 05:34:49 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:484115 [regarding Kibo's secret ultra-easy new discovery that soup can be baked] talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > [...] > I'm thinking of trying it when the temperature here drops below > 100 degrees sometime this september. Fahrenheit or Celsius? > in the meantime, my cooking style for soup would be to buy the tomato > soup that comes in a plastic jar and doesn't need mixing, just pour > it in a bowl and microwave; That's dangerous. If it's soup with dark cubes of beef-flavored Animal 57, they can scorch before the rest of the soup gets warm. I learned this from eating at Dunkin' Donuts long ago where the "beef barley" soup was a cup of ice-cold gelatin globs with tiny little blackened leather dice at the bottom. (A few Dunkin' Donuts keep the soup warm in a real pot, but most microwave frozen cups.) Bear in mind that people like to bake French onion soup (the kind with the stinky barf cheese on top) so it's silly that they don't do this with other flavors. > my method for cooking pasta is to buy microwavable pasta from walgreen's; > my recipe for macaroni involves microwavable macaroni; Baked pasta rules because it's always al dente. And you don't have to drain it, you don't have to wash the tomato sauce off the sides of your saucepan, you don't even need to watch it cook. And of course people bake lasagna; Why don't they bake the other shapes of the same stuff? (Spaghetti you don't want to bake, because it fuses into knotted bricks, but things like ziti work great once you learn how to keep them moist.) > and my recipe for scrambled eggs and french toast involves walking > to Lyon's. Scrambled eggs require an actual pan on top of the stove. I should make some sometime, I haven't made myself a Shanghai omelet in a while. > when I have a clean skillet, I sometimes dump in a can of rosarita > refried beans, cheese, and la victoria salsa, stir it into a most > satisfying glop, and use that to make burritos. in the microwave. > but this requires more dishwashing than I'd like to do, hence my > interest in the kibo cookery method. Some canned food, such as roast beef hash, comes out better when overcooked to get crusty, but other stuff, such as stuff with beans in it, requires care. Taco filling can be baked (I get the kind that comes in a big margarine tub) just as canned refried beans or chili can, but you have to be careful not to do it any longer than necessary (typically 15-30 minutes at 300 to 350) or it'll get dry. > my recipe for chicken and fish is to never eat it or allow it in > my apartment. ok, I will actually accept tunafish in the form of > a sammich, mixed thoroughly with mayo and diced pickles. but other > than that, fish tastes too fishy for me. and besides, I don't have > a microwave. If you don't like the flavor of fish, check your market for fish cakes (round things that are 95% mashed potatoes and 5% fish stick paste, coated with breading), spray 'em with oil and bake them until they get crispy on the outside and still moist on the inside. Or just buy fish sticks. The ones that say "no minced pieces -- made from whole fillets" (i.e. the fish is sliced up but not ground into library paste) are the good ones, and someone (Gorton's, I think) now has a "super crispy" variety covered with little spherical cereal puffs which have the result of each fish stick being a big ol' Rice Krispies treat with a tiny amount of fish inside (not enough to spoil the nice flavor of the fried candy breading.) Remember, a fried fish stick dipped in tartar sauce isn't all that different from tuna salad (if you're the kind of person who puts bread crumbs into the tuna salad, which I assume you are because Starkist gives out bread crumbs with their boxed tuna salad kits) so to save a lot of work, just throw a sheet of foil in the oven, bake some fish sticks, dip 'em in a tub of ranch or tartar sauce, and you're done. > and chicken to me is like cheese to kibo. which is why I don't > experiment with exotic meats, because everyone says "try this, it > tastes like chicken!" GEE, TRY THIS! IT TASTES LIKE STRYCHNINE! > and how about some of this VOMIT? it tastes exactly like PEA SOUP! So, what about turkey? It's like chicken but stronger. And what about duck, which is chicken squared? And goose, which is chicken 2000? -- K. And what do you think of lamb? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: *fwooOOOM!* death by grill Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2003 22:49:28 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 141 Message-ID: References: <8grtgv8cgjomdjnhakk1c4sjp7agh14v0n@4ax.com> <3f14ccdb.187366909@news.eastlink.ca> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c015.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058496560 10062 208.192.102.15 (18 Jul 2003 02:49:20 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 18 Jul 2003 02:49:20 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:484470 talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [regarding Kibo's secret ultra-easy new discovery that soup can be baked] > > > > talysman (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > > > > > I'm thinking of trying it when the temperature here drops below > > > 100 degrees sometime this september. > > > > Fahrenheit or Celsius? > > ha, you can't troll me. all the months are measured in celsius, > except Messidor. Don't forget Intercalarius. It's the only month to be named after a programming language. Speaking of which, why do we have days of the week with Viking names ("Wednesday", "Thursday") and Roman names ("Saturday") but all the months still have their moldy old Roman names? I know the French attempt to give all the months silly French names about what method you're allowed to use to cook your lobster during that month failed, but how come the Vikings never managed to get a month named after Loki or Sigurd or Olaf? And what about Einar? Would he get February named after him and go running around yelling "IT'S TOO SHORT! MY MONTH IS TOO SHORT!" in uppercase runes? > [...] > > what I actually fix is cream of tomato soup, which I understand is > one of your least favorite soups because it doesn't have actual chunks > of tomato in it (at least, not the campbell's variety.) Actually, no I just hate tomato soup because I hate tomato soup. I don't mind a tomato-based soup that has meat and noodles and vegetables in it, but the light pink stuff that tastes like ketchup with skim milk in it is blecch. All pink food is bad, except for Pez. > > [...] > > I learned this from eating at Dunkin' Donuts long ago where the > > "beef barley" soup was a cup of ice-cold gelatin globs with tiny > > little blackened leather dice at the bottom. (A few Dunkin' Donuts > > keep the soup warm in a real pot, but most microwave frozen cups.) > > how do you know they weren't just playing D&D when there were no > customers? you probably cost some poor teenager his *only* chance > at a vorpal blade! Pfah. I could make him one if he weren't so cheap to try to get it from Dunkin' Donuts. Also, now that you've pointed out the connection between the two cults, I'm never eating at Dunkin Dungeons & Donut Dragons again. I don't want to go insane and jump off the top of the World Trade Center like Tom Hanks. Oh, wait, it got blowed up... and that's a good thing, because it will keep Tom Hanks from committing suicide! Yay! No, wait again, nobody likes Tom Hanks any more. Let's rebuild the World Trade Center and put a Dunkin' Donuts hanging off the edge of the roof with a big hole in the floor just for him. > > [...] > > > > If you don't like the flavor of fish, check your market for fish cakes > > (round things that are 95% mashed potatoes and 5% fish stick paste, > > coated with breading), spray 'em with oil and bake them until they > > get crispy on the outside and still moist on the inside. Or just buy > > fish sticks. > > this would all sort of defeat the purpose of my avoiding fish. > besides not liking the flavor, I once had a pet fish! and he died! > he was only four years old! I still remember him greeting me when > I came home from work every day. (I know you people don't believe > this, but it *actually happened*. he waggled his tail and was happy > to see me!) Was it a black gourami? If so, I have a jar of delicious food you might enjoy. It says "CREAMED GOURAMY FISH" and it's got a picture of a pretty aquarium fish on the front. Apparently they're sort of grayish-beige inside, like soynut butter. > > so to save a lot of work, just throw a sheet of foil in the oven, > > bake some fish sticks, dip 'em in a tub of ranch or tartar sauce, > > and you're done. > > oh, good, you left out the part where I had to eat them. I was > worried there for a moment. Eat? No, intravenous, my friend. A fish stick can be jammed directly into a leg vein for the ultimate experience in fried fish! That's the only choice now that Buzzy's is gone. > [...] > and now, the government has declared chicken skin to be POISON! Are you saying that goose bumps are the new cooties? > > And what do you think of lamb? > > I've had lamb maybe three or four times, one of which doesn't count > because I only ate it because a ouija board told me to. I don't > think I gained any magical powers, though. stupid ouijeez! the other > times were in greek thingamabobs, and I didn't mind it. Well, then, you're less discriminating than Caligula. > since I eat hamburger but not steak or ribs, and I eat cotto salami > and pastrami made of turkey, but not turkey, I'm sure some people > are coming to the conclusion that I only eat heavily-processed meats. > and some people would be right. this is why I am waiting for Squeat! > to make it big, so I can have the least-meatlike meat possible. Squeat? Vas ist das "Squeat"? Is it like Quorn that makes rubbery squeak-toy noises when squozen by a version of Mr. Whipple made entirely from mildew now that he's dead? I can't believe they still sell Quorn. Either everyone's been ignoring it completely so the supermarkets can't get rid of it, or else people have been buying it without heeding my warning that IT'S MADE FROM STUFF THAT GROWS IN THE GROUND! EWW! -- K. And what's with that town that's proud to have the same name as the mildewburgers? Isn't there a line in a Shakespeare play where Cymbeline conquors Quorn? Is that why Spock talks about "the Cymbeline blood- worm" at the beginning of the episode with Nomad? So why did "Star Trek" screw up and make a reference to a Shakespeare play that's MORE obscure than "Star Trek"? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: *fwooOOOM!* death by grill Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2003 01:53:23 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 57 Message-ID: References: <8grtgv8cgjomdjnhakk1c4sjp7agh14v0n@4ax.com> <3f14a8de.178154472@news.eastlink.ca> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c010.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058334838 24430 208.192.102.10 (16 Jul 2003 05:53:58 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2003 05:53:58 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:484118 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > > > Eb Oesch (ericboesch@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > When real people go camping, they eat bad food made tolerable by > > > hunger. > > > > You're camping with the wrong people. For dinner on my last camping > > trip, we had salmon filets cooked over alder wood, shrimp pad thai, > > garden salad, sourdough bread, and panna cotta with strawberries. > > What group was this? The Fagelah Society of Boise? Was the theme > from "Deliverance" playing somewhere in your brane?! > > There is camping food, and there is pretentious GAY camping food, > Kevins. Camping food is hot dogs and beans and chili and s'mores and > beer and chips. Sometimes stew, but that's as fancy-schmancy as it > should get. Otherwise you run the risk of having your straight card > revoked by the park rangers. Darla, where can I get hot dogs that aren't gay? Also, your S'mores are SO GAY. I mean, they teach Girl Scouts how to make them, so that proves it. Speaking of things that straight people have to avoid in order to not get recruited by the vast gay conspiracy, I'm watching the Bravo network's new show "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" -- which is about a team of five extremely fashionable gay guys who go into a straight slob's home and throw away all his underwear with salad tongs while making fun of everything he owns -- and so help me, I'm enjoying it. Does this mean I might be in danger of turning gay, or does it mean I like watching people's laundry skills be insulted, or does it just mean the "Seinfeld" rerun wasn't on because the baseball game ran long? To maintain my straightness, do I need to delete Bravo from my TV, along with the openly gay channels such as The New TNN ("Spike"), and put a square of black cardboard over the middle of the screen in case an old "Hollywood Squares" episode comes on, and a square of black cardboard over the upper right for "Match Game '76"? Now if you'll excuse me, I have to turn off Bravo before they show another forty-seven reruns of that documentary series about the private lives of Cirque du Soleil. Hmm, over on NBC, Conan O'Brien is sharing a pink Hostess Sno-Ball with Antonio Banderas. Suddenly, TV makes the Internet seem NOT GAY! -- K. Also, is Popeye still gay, or did that just last until he got sick of drinking orange juice all day? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: My deepest apologies. Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2003 01:57:15 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 22 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b167.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058075821 23558 208.192.101.167 (13 Jul 2003 05:57:01 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2003 05:57:01 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:483659 A few days ago I mentioned I had a somewhat rare videotape of an extremely obscure baaaaaad movie starring Anthony Newley as the owner of a magical antique shop, co-starring a cast of midgets in foam-rubber diseased baby suits. Well, just now, this appeared across the bottom of Headline News: -> GARBAGE PAIL KIDS New series of potty- -> humored stickers out in Aug after 15 yrs I'm sorry! I didn't realize that the trading-card company would revive their lame product just because I mentioned them. Nothing moves as fast as a bad idea over the Internet. I promise I will NEVER again mention anything like "The Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie" without first thinking about the potential damage I may cause. -- K. You know, Andy Dick would be great in a live-action "Tennessee Tuxedo" movie. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The new "Garbage Pail Kids" Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2003 02:36:31 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 154 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b167.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058078177 31858 208.192.101.167 (13 Jul 2003 06:36:17 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2003 06:36:17 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:483663 I found the wire-service article on the tragic events I may have caused. -> Garbage Pail Kids back after 15 years -> -> ASSOCIATED PRESS -> -> NEW YORK -- Long before South Park or Beavis and Butthead -> entertained kids with lowbrow toilet humour, there were the -> Garbage Pail Kids. Now, the grandfather of gross-out is making a -> comeback. "Meet The Feebles"? Mel Brooks? "Mad"? Shelly Berman? Lenny Bruce? Le Petomaine? "Titus Andronicus"? Chaucer? Petronius? -> After being off the market for 15 years, a new series of the -> hugely successful stickers that entertained children in the -> mid-1980s with depictions of bodily functions will be released in -> August by The Topps Co. Wait... stupid bubble-gum trading cards from the 1980s are being credited with inventing sick humor? Are they seriously claiming that kids didn't like to talk about doo-doo before 1988? I know I sure did, until at least... um... what year is this? -> Garbage Pail Kids still maintain a cult following, with several -> dedicated fan Web sites and an active trade on Internet auction -> sites. WOW! IT MUST BE A HUGE POP-CULTURE PHENOMENON IF THERE ARE WEB PAGES ABOUT IT AND PEOPLE SELL STUFF ON eBAY! Does this remind anyone else about those bozotic newspaper and magazine articles from 1996 about how everyone on the Internet must love Kibo because there's a chat room named after him? HOORAY, IN FIFTEEN YEARS I'LL BECOME OVERRATED AGAIN! -> But will the stickers, originally conceived as a spoof of the -> wildly popular Cabbage Patch Kids, find an audience among a jaded -> generation raised on the hyper-potty-humoured Jackass and the -> sophomoric Sponge Bob Square Pants? Kids love to pay money to buy stickers that parody a brief fad from long before they were born! I mean, only someone of about age 6 to 9 (with way too much disposable income) would want to buy these stickers, and the Cabbage Patch Dolls were a fad just after Rubik's Cube and Pac-Man but just before New Coke and Max Headroom. Or maybe they just think the people who trade used stickers on eBay will buy up all of these in the hope that they'll double in value if they don't chew the gum for fifty years. -> "I think gross-out has always been and will always be of interest -> to kids," said Arthur Shorin, chairman of Topps, whose Manhattan -> headquarters is crowded with mountains of candy and collectible -> cards. "Garbage Pail Kids was a phenomenal fad -- it really struck -> a funny bone -- and we expect kids will still enjoy them because -> it's a spoof on real life." In most states, you can be committed to a psychiatric institution for saying that the Cabbage Patch Kids were "real life". -> The new series finds plenty of new things to make fun of, like -> Fartin' Martin, who gaseously propels himself on a Razor scooter, -> or the heavily pierced Metallic Alec, who is pulled out of his -> shoes by a magnet. -> -> They even take a shot at the bespectacled child wizard -- Harry -> Potty -- toilet plunger in tow, doing his business in the loo. Harry Potty! It's like they're making fun of how lame "Mad" is by doing a parody of "Mad" by doing exactly the same lame, obvious "jokes" they do! (Remember, the "Mad" philosophy: The fewer letters you have to change to make a name into something else, the funnier that makes it! This is why the film "Mississippi Burning" was the Emerson college humor magazine's favorite movie, because all they had to do was draw a "P" on the ad to make instant hilarity.) -> To help modernize the series, Topps also plans to launch a Web -> site in August that will let youngsters create their own Garbage -> Pail Kids and take a tour of a Garbage Pail Kid city. Okay, but I am officially starting a rumor that Anthony Newley's corpse is in a freezer directly underneath the "Butt-Pirates Of The Carribean" ride. -> Not all the ideas are new. About two-thirds of the series is made -> up of art drawn for stickers 15 years ago that were never -> released. That's how we KNOW it's great! TAKE THAT, MISS PIGGY! -> The maker of baseball trading cards and Bazooka bubble gum made -> millions of dollars on 15 different series of Garbage Pail Kids -> from 1985 through 1988, Shorin said. The unreleased art was drawn -> for the 16th series, which never saw print because the stickers' -> popularity had waned. -> -> Garbage Pail Kids suffered a backlash of sorts from parents who -> thought gross-out humour was detrimental to children -- something -> that probably spurred their popularity. -> -> "I would get letters all the time from parents saying, `This is in -> poor taste.' Well, of course it's in poor taste!" Shorin said. -> ``But it's not in wrong taste; we would never do that." What, precisely, is "wrong taste"? Oh, I get it, he's making fun of New Coke. -> Some are still skeptical about Garbage Pail Kids. -> -> "I'm kind of surprised they're releasing it, because I think kids -> may be beyond this," said Mark Long, author of Bad Fads and -> operator of the Bad Fads Museum Web site. -> -> Shorin argues the stickers' unsavoury concepts can actually be -> educational for children. -> -> "Garbage Pail Kids deals with bodily functions and death and -> dismemberment, which kids are very much aware of, but it deals -> with it in a humorous way, which helps kids confront these things." Yeah, the kids gotta learn to laugh at dismemberment. That's what school needs -- less math, more dismemberment. "Now, class, throw away your boring 'Dick And Jane' books, and let's watch Roger Corman's version of 'Titus Andronicus'." -- K. I don't think he filmed one, but I could easily be wrong. I mean, the Shakespeare play is public- domain, therefore Corman probably did make a film of it one afternoon. Incidentally, the director of "Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie" died last week. YAY! I HOPE HE WAS DISMEMBERED! I'm told there was also a TV cartoon series. I don't know anything about it, such as whether any of the animators got made into hot dogs at the end of Corman's "Titus". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The new "Garbage Pail Kids" Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2003 23:21:08 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 93 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0c015.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058498450 379 208.192.102.15 (18 Jul 2003 03:20:50 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 18 Jul 2003 03:20:50 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:484483 Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I found the wire-service article on the tragic events I may have > > caused. > > > > -> Garbage Pail Kids back after 15 years > > > > [...] > > > > I'm told there was also > > a TV cartoon series. I don't > > know anything about it, such > > as whether any of the animators > > got made into hot dogs at > > the end of Corman's "Titus". > > I remember when I was a wee lad of twelve or so reading a listing for it in > "TV Guide" and then it didn't air. One moment while I look that issue up in my microfilm archive... MOVIE -- "Roger Corman's Titus" Dom DeLuise, Ezio Greggio, Peter DeLuise, Michael DeLuise, David DeLuise, Mark Hamill, Anthony Newley. The insane host of a demonic cooking show eats people for two hours while wearing a T-shirt that says "Shakespeare wrote me." Directed by Henry Winkler as Roger Corman. > I did want to see it, as I was a big fan of the trading cards, Ooh! Do you have the misprinted Saturninus where Alan Cumming's name is spelled "Pee-wee Herman"? Do you still have the bloody Zip-Loc bag the cards came in? > but at the same time, memories of the horrid movie still lingered. > Maybe it wasn't listed and my brane is making things up. I always > assumed that the animators took to long to produce it and it got > released five years later as "Ren and Stimpy". You mean "Family Dog". > Oh wait! Here we go: > > From http://us.imdb.com/Trivia?0186747 > > ->> "Garbage Pail Kids" was produced, and CBS implied the full season's > ->> worth of episodes were completed, but Action for Children's Television > ->> barred the program from ever airing because of blatant commercialism, > ->> though they never screened any of the episodes that had been made. > > Blatant commercialism? Well, my goodness, I'm glad that that was prevented > from ever occuring on a Saturday Morning Cartoon. Sure, cartoons about > plastic toy transforming robots, plastic toy hypermuscular warriors, > plastic toy rock star dolls, plastic toy military dol^Waction figures, and > plastic toy novelty rotating puzzle cubes are one thing, but a show about > trading cards packaged with plastic toy gum? What kind of message would we > be sending to our children? > > -- Awful Schwaful --- To be a proper Garbage Pail Kids character, half of your name has to be printed bigger than the other half, to help kids understand which part is the name and which part is the description. Like, "Fartin' Marvin" would have "Marvin" printed in oversize lettering so that the kids would know that "Fartin'" was a nickname he earned through years of hard work, not a name that his parents actually put on his birth certificate in an effort to make their hideous baby become the best farter in the world. Of course, the real reason the printed the cards this way was so that when they ran out of ideas after the first ten, they could just double the number of cards by having both "Fartin' MARVIN" and "FARTIN' Marvin", who have completely different real names and different nicknames, and one is a Marvin who farts and the other is a Fartin' who marvins. It doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense, because kids will buy anything! -- K. (As if anyone really thinks the target audience of the re-issued sticker packs is anyone other than stupid grownups who believe eBay is a way to sell unopened packs to other idiots who will sell them to other idiots until people realize the cards are worthless as collectibles because they're being produced for sale to collectors, and therefore are not rare...) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The new "Garbage Pail Kids" Date: Tue, 22 Jul 2003 21:33:52 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 54 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b161.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058924032 32318 208.192.101.161 (23 Jul 2003 01:33:52 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 23 Jul 2003 01:33:52 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:484997 John Druid (jd@narris.org) wrote: > > Of course, when I was a kid, I spent gobs of cash (well "gobs" for a > ten year old) on Wacky Packages, and stuck them all over my notebooks, > dresser, bedroom wall, and who knows where else. Maybe I'm biased, > but I felt the Wacky Packs had a certain charm that these dopey > Garbage Pail Cards didn't. Short shameful confession: Although I never went near any Garbage Pail Kids stuff, I did buy one packet of Wacky Packages before deciding it wasn't worth it to get some of those "Mad" style pun-like concepts with a Hamming distance of 1 from the proper nouns in question. (If you liked the movie "Mississippi Burning", you'll love "Mississippi Burping", which must be a great pun because they had to do so little work to change that letter! And I had to do even less work to quote it!) Shorter, more shameful confession: Once my mother gave me a sun hat with Wacky Packages printed all over it. > I could see kids today getting suckered into buying a new generation > of this crap. After all, they've been suckered into buying those > crappy Eminem CDs. Yeah, and you can't even stick those on things. Stickers are the ultimate toy from a marketing standpoint, because the kids MUST dispose of them immediately, and this transforms the stickers into ads for your product, and the company is legally in the clear because they can't get sued if they print an ad on a sticker and some kid puts it somewhere ads aren't supposed to be, like over the peephole in the door of the neighbor's apartment. -- K. How about a "Wacky Packages" movie? It would be just scenes of Bob Saget stuffing his face with cereal and then yelling "EWW, THESE AREN'T CHEERIOS, THEY'RE (pause) DREARIOS!" Then he'd flail his arms and yell "WHOA! WHOA! (pause) WHOA!" and then fall down. Then someone would say "Are you okay?" because it's only funny if he didn't get hurt. And let's not forget The New TNN's wacky parody of the "Wacky Packages" movie, which would really be a knockoff of "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" -- in TNN's version it'll be five extremely gay men making fun of floral-print codpieces, titled "Tacky Packages". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Tennessee Tuxedo: The Motion Picture! (was: My deepest apologies.) Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2003 03:35:06 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 83 Message-ID: References: <3412hvoo0je0d4svvmq9ans94uh7fqhc1v@4ax.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0b167.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1058081692 15192 208.192.101.167 (13 Jul 2003 07:34:52 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 13 Jul 2003 07:34:52 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:483671 John Druid (jd@narris.org) wrote: > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > You know, Andy Dick would be great in a live-action > > > "Tennessee Tuxedo" movie. > > > > With Bob Hope as Mr. Whoopee. > > Too bad Chris Farley is dead. He would have been my choice for > Chumley. > > Now, who plays Stanly Livingston? You gotta think like an executive. "Who would appeal to the Teens Of Today in the mind of a studio executive who hasn't been in the same room with a Teen within the last ten years, let alone Today?" But I've made my choices and I'll stand by them even though these three people are people who can be actually entertaining, unlike the people who would actually be in a "Tennessee Tuxedo" movie. Andy Dick IS Tennessee Tuxedo! Jack Black IS Chumley! Ian McKellen IS Stanley Livingston! With, for the first time, thanks to computer technology... a FOUR DEE VEE AHR BEE BEE! (If Andy Dick is unavailable, get French Stewart. If Jack Black is unavailable, get Tom Arnold. If Ian McKellen is unavailable, get Steve Martin. If all of them are unavailable, just get Robert Smigel to act out the movie with hand puppets shaped like those people.) This movie will make the live-action "Garfield" look as lame as the live-action "Scooby-Doo"! It'll make the live-action "Flintstones" look as dated as the live-action "Jetsons"! It'll make the live-action "Mr. Magoo" look like something other than what it is, and then Leslie Nielsen will trip over it and show the audience a giant disclaimer apologizing for the entire movie! It'll be the greatest movie ever based on a barely-animated cartoon from the studio that