From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Kibo to appear in the next "Matrix" film! Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 03:28:42 -0400 So Keanu Reeves turns to me and says, "No, Kibo, _you_ can do the fake booger scene!" I know he wouldn't lie to me because nobody's ever lied to me when they appeared in a dream before. So don't you go calling my dream a liar just because it told me that Keanu was such a nice guy he'd let me have the fake booger scene as a showcase for my talents. Oh, and I suppose I should add a spoiler warning before I tell the big revelation: ------- SPOILER FOLLOWS ------- Apparently there will be a "fake booger scene" in the next "Matrix" movie. -------- END OF SPOILER -------- You're welcome. -- K. I think it's a cyberbooger. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: An idea for scientists to steal. Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 03:40:49 -0400 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > 1. ThinkGeek is selling this gadget where you can shoot a laser at a > surface and it will tell you the surface temperature, using > technology similar to the "sensors" that Mr. Spock was always > looking at in his big silver ViewMaster thing: > > http://www.thinkgeek.com/gadgets/electronic/5d95/ > > 2. The Cockeyed.com guy has put together pictures of food with the > calorie counts added, but he had to omit some calorie counts > because he lacks the technology to be able to judge a meal's > calorie count by just looking (or pointing) at it: > > http://cockeyed.com/science/food/food1.html > > Scientists, I think you can see where I'm going with this, because > your giant branes have giant mind's eyes, so I'll stop now and let you > get to work on inventing it. Report back to me on your progress at > least once a week until you're done. Ideally I'd like mine to be > either silver or a nice forest camouflage design. But you already can tell how hot food is by looking at it. If it's glowing red, it's pretty hot. If it's glowing orange, it's even hotter. If it's glowing white, then it's very very hot and probably you should turn the oven down. Why else do you think they still sell those indigestible, toxic little silver balls (nonpareils) in the cake topping aisle? It's so that you can cover your food with them and watch them glow (you want the .999 fine silver ones, they go up to about 1760 degrees F, the sterling silver ones will melt at only 1640 degrees, and they taste kind of coppery, like the lemonade from Taco Bell.) More to the point, what we really need is a gun that can make food taste better due to being bombarded with protons and neutrons that can spontaneously assemble into calories, because we all know that calories are the part of the food that tastes good. This gun that makes anything taste yummy could be a potent force for good, or in the wrong hands a force for evil, and if Lenny Bruce were alive today he'd write a children's movie about it but then Disney would steal the title for a movie about a guy farting in outer space. -- K. I think fine desserts should be served on litmus paper so that the citrus juice could turn it pink in places and the baking powder could turn it blue in other places and after you ate the whole cake you'd have a piece of psychedelic art you could frame. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: In Toronto, it is too dark to read Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 03:53:46 -0400 Two weeks ago, Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > On Thursday, Fool played hooky from work. He's an engineer at a power > plant. He put himself to use around the house by changing the direction of > the doors on our fridge so that they swing out towards the wall instead of > away from the wall. About an hour after struggling with this task, the > power went kerplooie. His sister said that maybe he blew a fuse because he > had the doors off of the fridge for a long time and the motor was running > constantly. Could be, we said. Since the fusebox is downstairs, we > couldn't go check until the downstairs people came home from work. Oh well. > It was daytime. No big deal. > > Fool's sister then decided to go off to school. She returned home a short > while later and said "Sorry for accusing you for blowing one of the fuses! > The whole city is blacked out!" We both kinda went "WOW!" and she said > "Well not the ENTIRE city, y'know." > > About an hour later, my sister called and I said "Guess you're blacked out, > too" and she said "Yeah, so is Ottawa, New York, Detroit, Cleveland..." > > HOLY SHIT! Fool's sister ran around laughing because she is new to the city > and thought this was SO exciting! > > My family thought it was highly suspicious that Fool just *happened* to > take that day off from work since he rarely takes any time off. I had to > admit that it seemed a bit fishy. > > However, we concluded that it was Fool's ineptness at fixing the fridge that > inadvertently shut the entire grid down. > > We are now on rolling blackouts. Right now, obviously, we have power. Who > knows what tomorrow will bring. It has been an interesting few days, that's > for sure. Subways shut down, streetcars abandoned on their tracks, stores > closed and dark, not many ways to get around unless you walk because the > diesel buses on the makeshift surface routes are crammed full of people and > the wait is more than a half an hour at most times. > > We're just waiting for the zombies to come out after dark... In Boston, I missed the big blackout. The main effect it had on me was to make me write to Conan O'Brien saying "You should have blackouts more often. Your thrown-together improvised show transmitted from the darkened empty room was very special. TV is more entertaining when it's all screwed up like that." When I heard on the news that Ottawa was where most of the looting was, it boggled my mind. Ottawa is the kind of city where you could keep people from looting your store by putting up a sign saying "NO LOOTING, PLEASE." Also I was jealous that a bunch of Ottawans got to loot Ottawa and I didn't. I wanted to go steal that funny-looking rock from their science museum. It's the funniest rock ever! But that same weekend, there was a weird little lightning storm over Mission Hill. I went out on my balcony (I live on the 7th floor) and took lots of photos of the lightning. It was just one tiny cloud lighting up over and over, just south of me. The lightning kept hitting the basilica across the street, which I why if you listened closely you could hear me yelling, "STUPID GOD! YOU MISSED ME AND YOU HIT YOUR OWN CHURCH!" Also that weekend, they opened a brand new Stop & Shop supermarket around the corner from me. It's not a Super Stop & Shop, just a regular one. But, like all new supermarkets, it was equipped with cheeseless White Castle burgers (three boxes) which will never be restocked now that I've bought those. The plaza it's in is still under construction, and the spacious lobby has several signs saying "NO CONSTRUCTION WORKERS OR EQUIPMENT PERMITTED IN LOBBY," which means that this building could break up the Village People if they ever went shopping in my neighborhood. -- K. Oh, also, I recovered from a concussion. JAKE, GET A CAR WITH TALLER DOORS! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Bumblebees implicated in TERROR ATTACK Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 04:01:48 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > Somehow, this conspiracy theory about BUMBLEBEES causing the WTC Terror > Attacks has gotten splurted all over the InterNet. Now if you like > conspiracy theories, you'll probably want to know about this. [...] > > > +--------+ > |\ \ > | \ \ > | +--------+ > | | | > + | GRAIN | > \ | OF | > \| SALT | > +--------+ YIKES! ORTHOGONAL PERSPECTIVE HAS TURNED ALL THE WORLD'S SALT INTO CALCITE! This means that from now on, if you hold a glass of salt water (such as Lipton Cup-A-Soup) in front of your eyes, you'll see double. And due to the Pauli Exclusion Principle, which says that no two things can be the same thing, if salt is now calcite, this means that what used to be calcite is now something better, like maybe gold or better yet, electrum or even mithril. But then what has all the mithril turned into? Hmm, maybe it wraps around, so that if everything becomes one thing better, there's nothing left for mithril to become except for the very worst thing there is, so mithril would turn into Price Chopper's generic imitation of Spaghetti-Os. You know, the ones in the tomato sauce the color of Thousand Island dressing. -- K. Also, if bumblebees are so smart, how come they're called bumblebees? I think we should cross-breed killer bees and bumblebees to make an insect which is as lethal as it is funny. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What time is it? Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 04:26:12 -0400 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > When the battery and the charger sort of melt themselves into one > semi-amorphous blob, it's time to buy a new cordless drill. Why? While they're molten you can just mold them into a new drill, or anything else you want. If you were clever you'd shape the blob into something better than any drill ever, such as a machine that can make any size of any shape of hole in anything from any distance by speech command, so you could tell it, "Make a Gary Coleman-shaped hole in Roseanne Barr and then let's see him walk through her," instead of doing something boring like pouring your old drill down the toilet. > But hey, I suppose I should be happy I still have electricity! My only > question is, why was Boston spared from the Great Blackout of '03? I > could have gone home early yesterday, dammit. Yeah, well, ever tried to buy a new drill during a blackout? My experience is that most stores these days are staffed by people who don't know how to sell you for things if the cash register doesn't light up. The only exception is those wacky medievalists guys at the local "Dungeons & Dragons"- oriented gaming store ("The Compleat Strategist") who still write out sales receipts by hand on one of those little pads. (But no, it's not covered with little hexagons.) -- K. It's on the same block as the local ballet-supply store AND the Mapparium. Makes you think, doesn't it? I hear that if you go into the middle of the Mapparium and turn on a flashlight, the radiation will bounce back from all the shiny glass and incinerate you. This is why the continents still have the world of 1935 painted on them, because the painters would have to hang a drop light from the North Pole, vaporizing them. It's like an echo chamber except with light instead of sound and French West Africa instead of Nunavut. (The Mapparium is a thirty-foot-wide walk-through glass globe which illustrates the Christian Science church's view of the world -- outdated and backwards. It has a little walkway through the middle of the multicolored globe, which seems like it should contain a chocolate waterfall and dancing Oompa-Loompas.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibological diseases Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 04:44:08 -0400 David Bromage (dbromage@omni.com.NOSPAMTHANKYOU.au) wrote: > > What would be the most Kibological disease. Paradoxical diarrhea, particularly if the paradox is that it's a completely asymptomatic form of diarrhea. Why, you might have it right now without realizing it! It tends to strike unexpectedly while eating candy shaped like Jar Jar. The only antidote is to eat Yoda really fast. -- K. He like chicken tastes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Reinventing alphabets in my sleep Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 04:55:11 -0400 A couple of weeks ago, Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > A couple of [more] weeks ago, after studying the Greek alphabet for a while, > I briefly had a dream in which nothing of substance happened, except that > I learned of an alternate reality somewhere, where the letter "E" had > never been invented. > > Imagining such a universe was obviously too complicated a proposition for my > unconscious brain, so all I remember is having seen the letter F. > > But if I ever get a time machine, guess what the first thing I want to > try is. Dear Nick Bnsma, When you travel On Beyond Zebra to go help Emperor Claudius screw up the alphabet, remember that you won't be able to return when your plutoniumium-powered time machine turns into an ordinary "tim machin". You'll need to get help from The Electric Company's "Letterman", but he won't exist either because he has an "e" in his name. In fact, all that will be left will be wurches and zits. Matt McIrvin will have a good laugh over that, unless he already made exactly the same reference two weeks ago, which I can be forgiven for not noticing because I'm catching up by reading only the good parts of each thread, and his followups aren't as good as exactly the same followups made by me, because I'm me and he's not even me. -- K. I suspect the result of your experiment would be that the Greek alphabet would turn into the GRQQK ALPHAB3T and your new alphabet would never catch on because it would get negative feedback when it got put up for sale on eBay. (The sequel to "Gladiator" is about some guy named Pertinax shopping on eBay.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The beard thing. Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 05:07:18 -0400 Okay, I don't look good without a beard, and I got tired of the off-black Abe Lincoln beard, so I dyed part of it orange, which I like much better, but I'm probably going to get sick of that too, and I don't have any other ideas for looks that would look good on me. Any suggestions? I've pretty much decided that the black-hair-and-orange-beard is my standard look from now on (having two colors of hair adds a lot of definition to my face), but for variety I've been varying the amount and color of the orange part, and I'd like to change to something completely different every once in a while. (It's easier to change beard color than hair color, because my beard grows back really fast when I shave it. Lately I've been bleaching and then dyeing it every two weeks, so it has bright orange on top with brownish-black underneath, which is a nice sort of bronze calico-cat look.) -- K. "In hunc dixit Licinius Crassus orator non esse mirandum, quod aeneam barbam haberet, cui os ferreum, cor plumbeum esset." -- Suetonius