From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Kibo to appear in the next "Matrix" film! Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 03:28:42 -0400 So Keanu Reeves turns to me and says, "No, Kibo, _you_ can do the fake booger scene!" I know he wouldn't lie to me because nobody's ever lied to me when they appeared in a dream before. So don't you go calling my dream a liar just because it told me that Keanu was such a nice guy he'd let me have the fake booger scene as a showcase for my talents. Oh, and I suppose I should add a spoiler warning before I tell the big revelation: ------- SPOILER FOLLOWS ------- Apparently there will be a "fake booger scene" in the next "Matrix" movie. -------- END OF SPOILER -------- You're welcome. -- K. I think it's a cyberbooger. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo to appear in the next "Matrix" film! Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2003 19:07:33 -0400 "robert lindsay" (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [regarding the famous "fake booger scene" in the third "Matrix" movie] > > > > I think it's a cyberbooger. > > [...] > > I also think at least half the bonus disk will be devoted to the > virtual cyber booger. Actually, I think they'll be using cyberboogers as a replacement for those eight "SECURITY DEVICE ENCLOSED" stickers which almost completely cover the average DVD case these days. Has it ever been pointed out to The Security Industry Of America (a division of Mark VII Productions) that anyone who is smart enough to realize that the tape is there to give them the idea that they could just steal the DVDs without the tattle-taped case if only they could get past this impenetrable barrier of some stickers is also smart enough to realize that a little degausser will fit into any pocket large enough to contain a DVD? Or was The Security Industry Of America not allowed to watch the scene in "Fight Club" where they took the bulk-eraser into Blockbuster? Hmm, perhaps the industry forced us all to convert from watching VHS tapes to watching DVDs just because that scene of all the tapes being blanked out scared the pants off them. "People will get home with a copy of what they think is 'Baby Geniuses' but it'll really just be nothing and their day will be ruined in the wrong way!" Also, I fail to understand why the DVDs have shrink-wrap over the "SECURITY DEVICE ENCLOSED" stickers, because it's not like there are any crooks armed with knives that can only slice open a DVD through a single layer of clear plastic but not two layers of it. And what's the deal with those DVDs where the menu has two items and one is magenta and one is lime green to tell you which of the two you're pointing at? Am I supposed to just guess which of the two colors was the designer's idea of a relatively important color compared to the other? Is that supposed to be a fun game to keep me entertained until I can figure out how to play the "Mr. Show" episodes hidden behind the bad menu system? So anyway, cyberboogers. My understanding is that the scene involves me having to hide the secret plans in my nose, disguised as a booger. These are the plans that reveal the Matrix's flaw -- a large unguarded exhaust port at the end of a long trench. Putting a proton torpedo into that thing will kill thousands of people and their robots, but it will be okay because fifteen years later George Lucas will re-release the film with an orange ellipse drawn on the film around the same explosion to make it a cyberexplosion, and the cyberbooger will be changed from a cyberbooger to an _extreme_booger because the prefix "cyber-" will have lost all meaning by then. -- K. Am I even allowed to make a Jack Webb reference in the same paragraph as a "Fight Club" reference? Would that make Jack Webb call me the modern equivalent of a Commie, namely, a guy who _lies_ on the _Internet_? ----- SPOILER FOLLOWS ----- The above article was about the "fake booger scene" in the next "Matrix" film. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: An idea for scientists to steal. Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 03:40:49 -0400 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > 1. ThinkGeek is selling this gadget where you can shoot a laser at a > surface and it will tell you the surface temperature, using > technology similar to the "sensors" that Mr. Spock was always > looking at in his big silver ViewMaster thing: > > http://www.thinkgeek.com/gadgets/electronic/5d95/ > > 2. The Cockeyed.com guy has put together pictures of food with the > calorie counts added, but he had to omit some calorie counts > because he lacks the technology to be able to judge a meal's > calorie count by just looking (or pointing) at it: > > http://cockeyed.com/science/food/food1.html > > Scientists, I think you can see where I'm going with this, because > your giant branes have giant mind's eyes, so I'll stop now and let you > get to work on inventing it. Report back to me on your progress at > least once a week until you're done. Ideally I'd like mine to be > either silver or a nice forest camouflage design. But you already can tell how hot food is by looking at it. If it's glowing red, it's pretty hot. If it's glowing orange, it's even hotter. If it's glowing white, then it's very very hot and probably you should turn the oven down. Why else do you think they still sell those indigestible, toxic little silver balls (nonpareils) in the cake topping aisle? It's so that you can cover your food with them and watch them glow (you want the .999 fine silver ones, they go up to about 1760 degrees F, the sterling silver ones will melt at only 1640 degrees, and they taste kind of coppery, like the lemonade from Taco Bell.) More to the point, what we really need is a gun that can make food taste better due to being bombarded with protons and neutrons that can spontaneously assemble into calories, because we all know that calories are the part of the food that tastes good. This gun that makes anything taste yummy could be a potent force for good, or in the wrong hands a force for evil, and if Lenny Bruce were alive today he'd write a children's movie about it but then Disney would steal the title for a movie about a guy farting in outer space. -- K. I think fine desserts should be served on litmus paper so that the citrus juice could turn it pink in places and the baking powder could turn it blue in other places and after you ate the whole cake you'd have a piece of psychedelic art you could frame. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: An idea for scientists to steal. Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 20:25:47 -0400 Andrew J. Zimolzak (zimolzak@msu.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Why else do you think they still sell those indigestible, toxic little > > silver balls (nonpareils) in the cake topping aisle? It's so that you > > can cover your food with them and watch them glow (you want the .999 fine > > silver ones, they go up to about 1760 degrees F, the sterling silver ones > > will melt at only 1640 degrees, and they taste kind of coppery, like the > > lemonade from Taco Bell.) > > How many of them do I need to eat to go crazy? Crazier than, say, a > French monarch. Depends. If you're already a Libertarian from Wisconsin who wants to run for state senate on the platform of "I dyed myself a funny color just for you," you don't need to eat many. But otherwise the silver doesn't make you crazy, just blue. If you want to go crazy, you need to eat lead paint. This is why all those Roman emperors were insane, because Romans loved red paint, so they hired Sherwin-Williams to drench the top half of the world in it, and they all went nuts causing the Empire to immediately collapse a couple thousand years later, unless you care that there's still a Pontifex Maximus speaking Latin atop Rome's Vatican Hill, in which case it still hasn't collapsed, no matter how insane John Paul II is from drinking red paint all day. On the other hand, everyone knows that the only reason Napoleon didn't conquer Russia was that his mean had tin coat buttons so all their clothes fell off when the tin crumbled away in the cold, and tin is the main ingredient in modern "lead-free pewter", so if you're trying to make yourself into an insane dictator by eating lead, you can do it by eating regular pewter, but don't eat the lead-free kind by mistake or you'll just grow buttons in your stomach. > > More to the point, what we really need is a gun that can make food > > taste better due to being bombarded with protons and neutrons that > > can spontaneously assemble into calories, because we all know that > > calories are the part of the food that tastes good. > > Um, Kibo? A gun that adds calories to things is called a HAIR DRYER, > and it runs on electrons. Using protons and neutrons to make calories > would be more expensive because they're bigger than electrons. Also, > a proton/neutron gun would break down twice as often as a hair dryer > because the former would require twice as many moving parts. But I thought the easiest way to add calories to your hair was to use a conditioner. You know, that greasy slime made from 50% lard and 50% unmentionable goo. > With a little imagination, though, you can invent recipes that > actually have negative calories AND great taste. You may have heard > of the popular whiskey and soda diet. The classic formulation won't > work, of course, unless you add below-zero ingredients like ice for > negative calories. Exercise can help you lose weight, too but it > works because your muscles run on negative calories, which it combines > with positive calories. The body excretes the by-product as sweat. > Therefore, exercise takes longer to make you dizzy than whiskey and > soda. I'm sorry, but thiotimoline-flavored rice cakes just don't sound good to me. A real man's recipe would have lots of calories and nothing else. Like, for instance, a stick of butter with a strip of bacon running down the middle, breaded with Sugar Corn Pops and then deep-fried in red-hot molten lard topped with wasabi mayonnaise and crushed Pringles. NOTE: HAIR CONDITIONER MAY NOT BE SUBSTITUTED FOR ANY OF THE INGREDIENTS IN THIS MANLY MAN MEAL. I'M TALKING TO YOU, SWANSON'S. > Hope this helps, It didn't, and now I am painfully hungry, so I better go to the new supermarket to see if they have any new flavors of White Castles I could eat. -- K. Well, why AREN'T there Bacon White Castles or Cool Ranch White Castles? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: An idea for scientists to steal. Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2003 19:19:14 -0400 [concerning attempts to compose a haiku about that crazy guy who ran for office in Montana or Wisconsin or Wackotopia or wherever it was after he poisoned himself with homemade medicine that made him turn blue forever] N. Gergen (gergen@armory.com) wrote: > > Now that I've been awake for more than a few hours, my creative... > uhhh... precious bodily fluids... have started to flow: > > Autumn's blue skies mean AUTUMN' SBLUESK IESMEAN > Colloidal silver doofus COLLOID ALSILVE RDOOFUS > yearns for Senate halls. YEARNSF ORSENAT ESHALLS > > I cheated in the Kibo-friendly version. I'm not sure which one is the friendly one. The capitals are scaring me. Also your gameboard would take 75% longer to play on than a normal one with six six-letter words, increasing the chances that you'd get caught gambling and then forced to fight a heavily-armed Alan Ladd while you're armed only with a swizzle stick with a little trident on the end but there's an olive permanently stuck on the pointy part and also it was soaked in garum. SILVER REMEDY CAUSES LOONIE TOTURN BLOOIE I cheated too, by making mine rhyme. Making it not rhyme would have been too hard. -- K. I was going to try to do one shaped like a hnefatafl board, but we've unearted ones in many different shapes, so it's clear that they could be any shape. So how come nobody's ever spotted Vikings playing hnefatafl on a board shaped like Hello Kitty? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: In Toronto, it is too dark to read Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 03:53:46 -0400 Two weeks ago, Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > On Thursday, Fool played hooky from work. He's an engineer at a power > plant. He put himself to use around the house by changing the direction of > the doors on our fridge so that they swing out towards the wall instead of > away from the wall. About an hour after struggling with this task, the > power went kerplooie. His sister said that maybe he blew a fuse because he > had the doors off of the fridge for a long time and the motor was running > constantly. Could be, we said. Since the fusebox is downstairs, we > couldn't go check until the downstairs people came home from work. Oh well. > It was daytime. No big deal. > > Fool's sister then decided to go off to school. She returned home a short > while later and said "Sorry for accusing you for blowing one of the fuses! > The whole city is blacked out!" We both kinda went "WOW!" and she said > "Well not the ENTIRE city, y'know." > > About an hour later, my sister called and I said "Guess you're blacked out, > too" and she said "Yeah, so is Ottawa, New York, Detroit, Cleveland..." > > HOLY SHIT! Fool's sister ran around laughing because she is new to the city > and thought this was SO exciting! > > My family thought it was highly suspicious that Fool just *happened* to > take that day off from work since he rarely takes any time off. I had to > admit that it seemed a bit fishy. > > However, we concluded that it was Fool's ineptness at fixing the fridge that > inadvertently shut the entire grid down. > > We are now on rolling blackouts. Right now, obviously, we have power. Who > knows what tomorrow will bring. It has been an interesting few days, that's > for sure. Subways shut down, streetcars abandoned on their tracks, stores > closed and dark, not many ways to get around unless you walk because the > diesel buses on the makeshift surface routes are crammed full of people and > the wait is more than a half an hour at most times. > > We're just waiting for the zombies to come out after dark... In Boston, I missed the big blackout. The main effect it had on me was to make me write to Conan O'Brien saying "You should have blackouts more often. Your thrown-together improvised show transmitted from the darkened empty room was very special. TV is more entertaining when it's all screwed up like that." When I heard on the news that Ottawa was where most of the looting was, it boggled my mind. Ottawa is the kind of city where you could keep people from looting your store by putting up a sign saying "NO LOOTING, PLEASE." Also I was jealous that a bunch of Ottawans got to loot Ottawa and I didn't. I wanted to go steal that funny-looking rock from their science museum. It's the funniest rock ever! But that same weekend, there was a weird little lightning storm over Mission Hill. I went out on my balcony (I live on the 7th floor) and took lots of photos of the lightning. It was just one tiny cloud lighting up over and over, just south of me. The lightning kept hitting the basilica across the street, which I why if you listened closely you could hear me yelling, "STUPID GOD! YOU MISSED ME AND YOU HIT YOUR OWN CHURCH!" Also that weekend, they opened a brand new Stop & Shop supermarket around the corner from me. It's not a Super Stop & Shop, just a regular one. But, like all new supermarkets, it was equipped with cheeseless White Castle burgers (three boxes) which will never be restocked now that I've bought those. The plaza it's in is still under construction, and the spacious lobby has several signs saying "NO CONSTRUCTION WORKERS OR EQUIPMENT PERMITTED IN LOBBY," which means that this building could break up the Village People if they ever went shopping in my neighborhood. -- K. Oh, also, I recovered from a concussion. JAKE, GET A CAR WITH TALLER DOORS! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: In Toronto, it is too dark to read Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 20:28:59 -0400 [concerning a head injurry I suffered from Jake's stupid car in Providence] kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > > > I am a little concerned that if you visit Providence while unconcussed > > you won't agree to go to the Providence Place Mall any more, but what > > must be, must be. > > No no no no. Don't worry. What we DO is, we go to the Providence Place > Mall, but you guys dress as women. And then we spend the afternoon > having a rollicking good time in the ladies' lounge, punctuated by a > delightful snack in the Nordstrom cafe. I'll even steal the white > egg-shaped piece of furniture with the hole in it that Kibo liked so > much, and bring that into the lounge, too. It wasn't egg-shaped, it was football-shaped. The Jestons aethetic displayed in that piece of furniture required it to be either really symmetrical or really asymmetrical (like a wad of chewing gum), and this was the former. It was a big prolate ellipsoid with a sort of superelliptical hole through the middle, standing on some sort of tulip-chair type pedestal. I think it was intended to be a coffee table that you could never set anything on top of (only in the hole) so that if you wanted to display you collection of art books you'd have to be holding them in your hands and pass them out to the guests as they arrive. It was so retro-futuristic that it made Martin Landau's office on Moonbase Alpha look actually outdated instead of outdated-but-futuristic the way it normally does. It should have been accompanied by a very large computer covered in spinning reels of tape with one giant blinking red light that yelled "KER-BLEEP! KER-BLEEP!" in a German accent and dispensing ration coupons for you to use to purchase leaded petrol to fly your Bell & Howell jetpack through the Transatlantic Tunnel. > The only way to get us out would be for the presumably MALE security > people to dress up as women, too, because they wouldn't be allowed > into the ladies' lounge as MEN, of course, and then they would come in > and oust us. And that would be worth it to watch, right there. > > Oh, and, Jake, then you can figure out just what the dispenser is on > the men's room wall next door. OK? All's I know is that the men's room definitely wasn't as swanky as those photos you took of the various suites within the ladies' room. I think your photos demonstrated that at least half of Rhode Island is within that one restroom. You can tell it was super-classy because they had so many furnished rooms in there but not one of the pictures on the wall was an Anne Geddes print of babies in unnatural costumes that make them cry. The men's room, I think, just had something like a Hand Sanitizer dispenser saying "You must rub this all over your body after walking through this filthy, filthy restroom." Also, you failed to mention how much time we spent trying to figure out in what order the "sale" signs were printed by how progressively degraded the typeface was. There were the ones that had the correct font, and there were the ones where they tried to fake it with a different font but had to substitute a third font for the "a" that didn't match, and then there were the ones where they forgot to install their fonts and they turned into the stretched-and-squashed fake Helvetica that Adobe Acrobat uses to simulate all other fonts. -- K. If a prolate ellipsoid with a superelliptical hole in it isn't the shape of the future, I'll eat my hexaflexagon. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Bumblebees implicated in TERROR ATTACK Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 04:01:48 -0400 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > Somehow, this conspiracy theory about BUMBLEBEES causing the WTC Terror > Attacks has gotten splurted all over the InterNet. Now if you like > conspiracy theories, you'll probably want to know about this. [...] > > > +--------+ > |\ \ > | \ \ > | +--------+ > | | | > + | GRAIN | > \ | OF | > \| SALT | > +--------+ YIKES! ORTHOGONAL PERSPECTIVE HAS TURNED ALL THE WORLD'S SALT INTO CALCITE! This means that from now on, if you hold a glass of salt water (such as Lipton Cup-A-Soup) in front of your eyes, you'll see double. And due to the Pauli Exclusion Principle, which says that no two things can be the same thing, if salt is now calcite, this means that what used to be calcite is now something better, like maybe gold or better yet, electrum or even mithril. But then what has all the mithril turned into? Hmm, maybe it wraps around, so that if everything becomes one thing better, there's nothing left for mithril to become except for the very worst thing there is, so mithril would turn into Price Chopper's generic imitation of Spaghetti-Os. You know, the ones in the tomato sauce the color of Thousand Island dressing. -- K. Also, if bumblebees are so smart, how come they're called bumblebees? I think we should cross-breed killer bees and bumblebees to make an insect which is as lethal as it is funny. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Bumblebees implicated in TERROR ATTACK Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 20:22:42 -0400 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, if bumblebees are so smart, how come they're called > > bumblebees? I think we should cross-breed killer bees and > > bumblebees to make an insect which is as lethal as it is funny. > > Like Chuck Barris? I don't think he cross-breeds bees. If he did, his vanity movies would be funnier than "The Gong Show Movie" and that one George Clooney produced which I didn't see because if George Clooney was involved in any way, well, that can't be good. (I decree that no Batman may be involved in non-Batman projects!) But I do think bumblebees should be cross-bred with just about everything. Think how funny bumblegiraffes would be, tripping over things and getting their necks tangled in trees. Or the fearsome bumblehippo -- scientists say it's impossible for it to fly, but it could if it really wanted to! And even bumblebarris and bumbleclooney and bumblebatman would be improvements. Hell, if I were a criminal, I'd just laugh at Batman, but I'd run away from Bumblebatman. While laughing. -- K. From the makers of "Bee In A Balloon", it's new "Bumblebee In The Batcave!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What time is it? Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 04:26:12 -0400 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > When the battery and the charger sort of melt themselves into one > semi-amorphous blob, it's time to buy a new cordless drill. Why? While they're molten you can just mold them into a new drill, or anything else you want. If you were clever you'd shape the blob into something better than any drill ever, such as a machine that can make any size of any shape of hole in anything from any distance by speech command, so you could tell it, "Make a Gary Coleman-shaped hole in Roseanne Barr and then let's see him walk through her," instead of doing something boring like pouring your old drill down the toilet. > But hey, I suppose I should be happy I still have electricity! My only > question is, why was Boston spared from the Great Blackout of '03? I > could have gone home early yesterday, dammit. Yeah, well, ever tried to buy a new drill during a blackout? My experience is that most stores these days are staffed by people who don't know how to sell you for things if the cash register doesn't light up. The only exception is those wacky medievalists guys at the local "Dungeons & Dragons"- oriented gaming store ("The Compleat Strategist") who still write out sales receipts by hand on one of those little pads. (But no, it's not covered with little hexagons.) -- K. It's on the same block as the local ballet-supply store AND the Mapparium. Makes you think, doesn't it? I hear that if you go into the middle of the Mapparium and turn on a flashlight, the radiation will bounce back from all the shiny glass and incinerate you. This is why the continents still have the world of 1935 painted on them, because the painters would have to hang a drop light from the North Pole, vaporizing them. It's like an echo chamber except with light instead of sound and French West Africa instead of Nunavut. (The Mapparium is a thirty-foot-wide walk-through glass globe which illustrates the Christian Science church's view of the world -- outdated and backwards. It has a little walkway through the middle of the multicolored globe, which seems like it should contain a chocolate waterfall and dancing Oompa-Loompas.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibological diseases Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 04:44:08 -0400 David Bromage (dbromage@omni.com.NOSPAMTHANKYOU.au) wrote: > > What would be the most Kibological disease. Paradoxical diarrhea, particularly if the paradox is that it's a completely asymptomatic form of diarrhea. Why, you might have it right now without realizing it! It tends to strike unexpectedly while eating candy shaped like Jar Jar. The only antidote is to eat Yoda really fast. -- K. He like chicken tastes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Reinventing alphabets in my sleep Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 04:55:11 -0400 A couple of weeks ago, Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > A couple of [more] weeks ago, after studying the Greek alphabet for a while, > I briefly had a dream in which nothing of substance happened, except that > I learned of an alternate reality somewhere, where the letter "E" had > never been invented. > > Imagining such a universe was obviously too complicated a proposition for my > unconscious brain, so all I remember is having seen the letter F. > > But if I ever get a time machine, guess what the first thing I want to > try is. Dear Nick Bnsma, When you travel On Beyond Zebra to go help Emperor Claudius screw up the alphabet, remember that you won't be able to return when your plutoniumium-powered time machine turns into an ordinary "tim machin". You'll need to get help from The Electric Company's "Letterman", but he won't exist either because he has an "e" in his name. In fact, all that will be left will be wurches and zits. Matt McIrvin will have a good laugh over that, unless he already made exactly the same reference two weeks ago, which I can be forgiven for not noticing because I'm catching up by reading only the good parts of each thread, and his followups aren't as good as exactly the same followups made by me, because I'm me and he's not even me. -- K. I suspect the result of your experiment would be that the Greek alphabet would turn into the GRQQK ALPHAB3T and your new alphabet would never catch on because it would get negative feedback when it got put up for sale on eBay. (The sequel to "Gladiator" is about some guy named Pertinax shopping on eBay.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The beard thing. Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 05:07:18 -0400 Okay, I don't look good without a beard, and I got tired of the off-black Abe Lincoln beard, so I dyed part of it orange, which I like much better, but I'm probably going to get sick of that too, and I don't have any other ideas for looks that would look good on me. Any suggestions? I've pretty much decided that the black-hair-and-orange-beard is my standard look from now on (having two colors of hair adds a lot of definition to my face), but for variety I've been varying the amount and color of the orange part, and I'd like to change to something completely different every once in a while. (It's easier to change beard color than hair color, because my beard grows back really fast when I shave it. Lately I've been bleaching and then dyeing it every two weeks, so it has bright orange on top with brownish-black underneath, which is a nice sort of bronze calico-cat look.) -- K. "In hunc dixit Licinius Crassus orator non esse mirandum, quod aeneam barbam haberet, cui os ferreum, cor plumbeum esset." -- Suetonius ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The beard thing. Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2003 18:39:04 -0400 Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, I don't look good without a beard, and I got tired of the > > off-black Abe Lincoln beard, so I dyed part of it orange, which > > I like much better, but I'm probably going to get sick of that too, > > and I don't have any other ideas for looks that would look good on me. > > Any suggestions? > > And a day after he wrote that, two teenage girls in Providence walked > past him and one said "HEY, COOL MUSTACHE!" and the other one looked > and said "YEAH!" I like your version of the story better than the one I posted, because yours has them talking in all caps. But I believe the first female said "WHOA", not a mere "HEY" at the thrilling sight of my awesome visage. -- K. It must be college move-in day, because deafening music that sounds like "THUMP THUMP THUMP" is now coming from all of the apartments adjacent to mine. Damn kids! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The beard thing. Date: Thu, 28 Aug 2003 01:33:13 -0400 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > [...] > > Louis Braille was originally blinded as a small boy by an anvil. > > He used this same anvil later in his life to invent braille. Is this why Ted Turner removed all the scenes of anvil violence from the old cartoons he shows all night, so as not to offend any blind people who are watching cartoons at 3:30am? Also, how does this relate to the story of Sigurd cutting the anvil in half after he finally trash-talks Regin into making him a really good sword? If there was some mix-up so that Louis Braille tasted Fafnir's roasted- heart juice instead of Sigurd doing it, would Louis Braille still get the ability to hear birds talking about Regin plotting against him, or would have have to fondle the birds to find that out? Curiously, most sources -- in fact, all of them -- spell the word "anvil" as "awl" when telling the story of Braille's life. But they're really the same thing, if you consider that an anvil is just a really fat awl. In fact, when they make awls, they sell the factory rejects as anvils, Nerf balls, spaghetti, or underpants, depending on their shape, texture, flavor, and cleanliness. -- K. If Sigurd had had a microwave oven, his hands would've stayed clean, so he never would have heard the birds revealing the spoilers about the twist ending. Let this be a lesson to all: COOK YOUR DRAGON HEARTS THE OLD-FASHIONED MESSY WAY! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The beard thing. Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 20:30:53 -0400 HarCo Industries (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, I don't look good without a beard, and I got tired of the > > off-black Abe Lincoln beard, so I dyed part of it orange, which > > I like much better, but I'm probably going to get sick of that too, > > and I don't have any other ideas for looks that would look good on me. > > Any suggestions? > > How about the long-braided-warrior-type-look. Sorry, my hair's not long enough for that. I have to keep it short so I can put my Viking wig over it those times that I dress up like a Viking with long braided warrior hair. Also I have to keep my hair sort because it gets all weird and lumpy and looks like Mo Rocca's wig on "The Smoking Gun: The TV Show" if I let it grow. This is why I've been focusing on making my beard a brighter color to distract attention away from the other parts of my head. When I let me beard grow, it gets those two points in the front, medieval-style. Usually at that point I trim it back a little because otherwise the points in front start moving around and being asymmetrical. So far the best suggestion I've heard is the beard of bees. I wouldn't use actual bees, I'd just bleach some yellow stripes into the beard. Of course, then people would keep asking me if I'm Savalom Glitz, and then after that "Doctor Who" would get really, really bad. -- K. I still want to get bright orange contact lenses. Does anyone make contact lenses with dichroic glass? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The beard thing. Date: Thu, 28 Aug 2003 23:06:20 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also I have to keep my hair sort because it gets all weird and lumpy and > > looks like Mo Rocca's wig on "The Smoking Gun: The TV Show" if I let it > > grow. This is why I've been focusing on making my beard a brighter color > > to distract attention away from the other parts of my head. > > Setting your beard on fire would have a similar effect. Yeah, but only before I go to the hospital, where I'd be just another burn victim who doesn't rate a visit from Fonzie, or even Replacement Fonzie. So today I was walking through Providence (Rhode Island, as if you need to be told) and these two nice-looking college-age gals are walking past in the other direction and one of them blurts out, "Whoa, nice mustache!" and I turn to look just as the other one turns to look at me and she says "YEAH!" with this huge smile. So I think I'll keep the orange facial hair. Of course I know they weren't being ironic because they were probably from RISDI and therefore love anything asymmetric and orange. As to why they didn't see the bottom half of my facial hair, that's a mystery. -- K. (currently, no parts of my body are on fire.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: An Useful Resource Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 06:40:51 -0400 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > http://www.HollywoodIsCalling.com [...] For a mere 20 bucks > (same cost in town) you can receive a 15 second phone call from such > luminaries as Lorenzo Lamas, Todd Bridges, Richard Hatch, Fred "Rerun" > Berry, David Naughton or many others. Why there may even be a highly > Kibological celebrity available among the 23 choices that the article in > the paper mentions but I wouldn't know as I haven't actually visited the > web site myself. Ricard Hatch *is* highly Kibological! He teaches the art of love *and* he made a snazzy trailer for his own "Battlestar Galactica" revival! He's like if Wil Wheaton made an underground "Star Trek" episode while making people hug! But a fifteen-second phone call... for $1.33 a second ($4,800 an hour)... that's weak. Tell you what. Pay me the same twenty bucks and I'll spend a whole minute writing you an E-mail. And while I can guarantee you that it takes Todd Bridges at least fifteen seconds to remember both his first and last name ("Hello, this is Todd... uh... um... *click*") I promise you that for $20, I will write you a whole message, with a sentence in the middle, even if it means spending an extra six seconds to put in the last couple words. > Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with this service in any way, shape or > form and will receive no remuneration if anyone happens to utilize this > service. However, if people use my new service, I will pay Dean Lenort a tenth of a percent of half the profits (after taxes and spending most of them) for spurring me to think up this idea all by myself. Note: Kibo requires payment in real money but Dean Lenort might get paid in corroded old Byzantine Empire coins that have been soaking in my bathtub. > Note: The above disclaimer not required by Leader Kibo. > > Also-Note: The note stating that the disclaimer wasn't required IS > required by Leader Kibo. That's another problem with having a "real" celebrity like Fred "Rerun" Berry make a phone call for you. There will be a disclaimer that any opinions he expresses do not represent the opinions of the sponsors his TV show used to have back when I could even remember what the name of it was. With Kibo, all legally-binding disclaimers are silently implied, to save you time. (By accepting a phone call from Kibo, you are agreeing to the license, which means Kibo can come over and watch your DVD collection whenever he wants to, or twice as often if you have a giant TV.) -- K. And here is what a typical Byzantine Empire coin looks like: (-- K.) I'm gonna sue Justinian. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: An Useful Resource Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2003 18:49:19 -0400 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > > > > > http://www.HollywoodIsCalling.com [...] For a mere 20 bucks > > > (same cost in town) you can receive a 15 second phone call from such > > > luminaries as Lorenzo Lamas, Todd Bridges, Richard Hatch, > > > > Ricard Hatch *is* highly Kibological! He teaches the art of love *and* > > he made a snazzy trailer for his own "Battlestar Galactica" revival! > > He's like if Wil Wheaton made an underground "Star Trek" episode while > > making people hug! > > Maybe *that* Richard Hatch is highly Kibological, but the Richard Hatch > employed by the HollyWoodIsCalling folks is the one that is best known for > being naked on a television show that I never actually watched. OH NO! The uninteresting fat naked ambi-gay child-abuser from a stupid boring fake "reality" show which used body doubles for the "competitions" and all the news media insisted we all loved the show when the truth is very few people really cared! I had managed to forget that there was a guy on the first "Survivor" show named "Richard Hatch" until YOU reminded me, CURSE YOU, DEAN DAMNORT!!! > And no, this is not a reference to some bizzaro universe where > Battlestar Galactica was done with an all-nude cast, Hey, if that happens in The Other Universe, then _this_ one's the Bizarro universe. Come on, we're talking naked Jane Seymour. > because that is something that I might actually have watched. Then how do you know they weren't naked on the real show? Well? HA HA! I HAVE PROVEN THAT DEAN LENORT MAY HAVE ONCE SEEN A TV SHOW!!! > HAW HAW!! Kibo doesn't know the difference between his Richards Hatches! HA HA! YOU MISSPELLED "HA HA!" > > [...] > > > > However, if people use my new service, I will pay Dean Lenort a tenth > > of a percent of half the profits (after taxes and spending most of them) > > for spurring me to think up this idea all by myself. Note: Kibo requires > > payment in real money but Dean Lenort might get paid in corroded old > > Byzantine Empire coins that have been soaking in my bathtub. > > Since I obviously deserve a much larger cut of the imaginary profits from > this imaginary service I have no other recourse than to sue you back into > the stone age! You can expect an official looking package from the > Plutonium Atom Foundation that will not only include some fine legal papers > done up in a nice 18-point Futura font done with gold ink on some high > quality black paper, but it will also contain a durian so that you'll > realize just how serious I am. If things go as expected, I anticipate > taking over your imaginary grocery store in lieu of other imaginary forms > of payment. "Plutonium Atom Foundation"... that vaguely rings a bell, let me look it up... nope, it wasn't mentioned in "USA Today" as ever having been a cyber-meme, therefore it can't have ever been as cyber-famous as The Lesser Richard Hatch. Also, tell me more about this font which contains a durian. -- K. I'm glad I got the autograph of the correct Richard Hatch. Next I'll have to try to get the autograph of at least one of the Wil Wheatons. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: An Useful Resource Date: Mon, 01 Sep 2003 06:50:54 -0400 Summary: reposted to fix a mistake in my example of why bad grammar is good Ben Wolfson (wolfson@uchicago.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > OH NO! The uninteresting fat naked ambi-gay child-abuser from a stupid > > boring fake "reality" show which used body doubles for the "competitions" > > and all the news media insisted we all loved the show when the truth is > > very few people really cared! > > THIS SENTENCE NO MAIN VERB! The verb in that sentence is "ambi-gay". However, I still don't know which word is the verb. Also, the stuff I said: Not a sentence! A sentence fragment! You can't point to a thing which isn't a sentence and complain about it not having a verb. Do you go to the supermarket, cut open cans of SpaghettiOs, dump them on the floor, and yell "THESE SPAGHETTIOS NO MAIN VERB!"? A big wet pile of the letter O is not a sentence, and you'd be crazy to dive into it to look for a verb! -- K. Remember, we're using the Internet, not Grammar! Say this: "Hey kids, which would you rather do today... use the Internet, or use Grammar?" and see if any of the very perceptive children choose the boring one. Grammar is for people who can't think of _original_ ways to ruin other people's fun! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I give up Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 20:45:19 -0400 made (deletethisbit.itsreallyhere@yahoo.com) wrote: > > [...] > > You don't have to see Kibo to believe in Kibo. --- St. Agnetha of Abba The story I most often hear is that I've been appearing in people's dreams holding a thousand-foot long scroll of green-bar papyrus, and I yell, "In hoc .signature vinces!" One of the old coins I've been scrubbing -- probably from the mint of Constantine or one of his successors, because of most the ones in this hoard have been from around that era -- has a pretty typical flip side showing two little stick-figures with shields and crested helmets standing on either side of a Roman army standard (signum), but because the artist in this case wasn't very good (and reduced the soldiers to stick-figures) he didn't attempt to draw anything complicated on the signum's banner (such as the chi-rho Constantine claimed he saw on the banner in his dream) and instead just decorated it with a little circle. So it's two soldiers under the flag of Donutopia. v --- |O| <-- In hoc signo krispy kreme! --- o o o | | Now we know why the original Dunkin' Donuts were shaped like the letter "Q". It was so that they could use them to spell out "SPQR". But they had to change it because Dan Aykroyd sued them because it was a letter of his Decibet. This banner not to be confused with Zeno's flag, which has a negative doughnut if you believe Douglas Hofstadter, and I don't know if I do because he keeps telling me everything he says is twice as big a lie as everything Epimenides says just because he wants to find out if I'm one of those explody-head robots from "Star Trek". -- K. Now if you'll excuse me, I must roll a ten-sided die to determine what to tell Spock the next time he asks me the last digit of pi. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I give up Date: Thu, 28 Aug 2003 01:22:44 -0400 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > This banner not to be confused with Zeno's flag, which has a negative > > doughnut if you believe Douglas Hofstadter, and I don't know if I do > > because he keeps telling me everything he says is twice as big a lie > > as everything Epimenides says just because he wants to find out if I'm > > one of those explody-head robots from "Star Trek". > > Actually he wants to find out if one of your coins is a magikal wishing coin > that cuts everything in half. Or not. And you'll eventually end up smelling > of cinnamon. Hey, I divorced her years ago, obviously shortly before I married Juliet Landau. But I think I'm divorced from her too. It's hard to remember. What's a good way to find out if I'm married right now? -- K. All I found was one of Douglas Hofstadter's coins that lets me wish that my wish not be granted. It has a picture of nude planaria descending a four-dimensional staircase. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I like onions Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 23:50:48 -0400 In sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Onion are good. Animals are bad. I don't like this new sequel to "Zardoz". > People with dogs and cats are not suppose to let their animals have babies > because there are an extreme number of dogs and cats. Yeah, but have you ever seen what happens when you accidentally let a few chives go to seed in your garden? CHIVE CITY, BABY! -- K. "Onion are good." is a great new bumper sticker, unless he's talking about the Web site. It are overrated. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: be happy there is some justice Followup-To: sci.physics Date: Thu, 28 Aug 2003 00:14:46 -0400 In sci.physics, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > copy right > > This just happened to me. I was at a bar drinking coke. A beautiful girl > kept flirting with me. She came up to me and started talking to me. When > she came up to me my mouth was ful of ice. To talk to her I needed to spit > ice to my glass. When I did I spit all over my face. > > for an ad on tv for tissue paper girls carry around > > A guy is drinking some thing. A girl goes up to the guy. The mouth of the > guy is full of ice. When he spits > ice to his glass he spits all over his face. The girl says - o you just > spit all over your face. The girl gives the guy some tissue paper and > walks away. What have you done with the old Kurt? He used to just keep posting stuff about "slimey slimes sliming their slimey slime on slimey slimes" and cursing his own theories. You're some guy who talks about liking onions and works for the advertising industry coming up with exciting new TV commercials that are just as dumb as the real ones. How much do we have to pay you to make sure that the old Kurt stays where he is? I like you better. Please post more erotic fiction about spitting on your own face in order to get girls to give you free Kleenex. -- K. Also, please post something about getting free duct tape. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.materials,sci.physics,sci.bio.misc,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: handle on pots, rivets & strength Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Thu, 28 Aug 2003 00:55:49 -0400 In the pot-related newsgroups sci.materials, sci.physics, and sci.bio.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (a_plutonium@dtgnet.com) wrote: > > I have a Wolfgang Puck 6 liter pot with 2 handles and I am guessing the > fastener is called a rivet. Two rivets for each handle. What I am > concerned about is what > material metal are those rivets for they are a dull gray whereas the > rest of the pot is stainless steel shiny. I have another pot that is > made in Italy of stainless steel > and its rivets are also stainless steel. I wonder if any pot > manufacturer is using > some lead alloy for their rivets. I do not want any lead in my cookware. Yeah, but I think you've already been outvoted on that matter. I recall voting for both lead and durian juice to be in all your cookware when the petition came around. As far as whether your pot contains lead, here's a suggestion: IF IT SURVIVES BEING HEATED, IT AIN'T LEAD, DOPE. Lead melts at a temperature that can be easily produced in your kitchen. Try holding a match to your pot for several minutes and if your fingers burn instead of the pot, we'll both be happy. > I wonder about the strength of a rivet fastener for pots compared to say > if the handles were integral to the pot, such as the porcelain handles > are integral to the > rest of the piece. So that if a pot were designed that all of its steel > is one piece > and not separate pieces that need fastening. Which is stronger, the > riveted handle > or the handle that is part of the steel. It depends. Precisely how many hundreds of pounds of food does your pot need to contain? > And a question for biology in that in pots, it seems that these rivets > collect > food that is not easily washed off and where black scum builds. "black scum"... that phrase seems oddly familiar... Oh, I get it! The reason Kurt Stocklmeir's been posting about different stuff lately is that the original Kurt Stocklmeir is now posting as "Archimedes Plutonium". Kurt, please give Archie back his iMac. And I hope you didn't get your slimey fingerprints all over it or he'll have to soak it in the sink with his pots and pans. > So I wonder > what is the very best design in pots for its handles such that it is > strong and > safe. As to safety, you might want to try to remember what sorts of pots they allowed you to handle when you worked at Dartmouth. I bet they only gave you round ones and didn't let you wash any of those brownie pans with the sharp corners. > Perhaps the world is ready for a new and fresh look at pot handle > design. Naah, we're not ready for something so far-out. Let's just hear some more about your idea to land the Moon on Iowa and drive it around the country to escape the solar flares caused by terrorists turning Jupiter to salt and dropping it into the Sun or whatever else your simple plan is this week. > And while on this subject, I find the lid business of pots and pans with > much > defects in design. Such that when water boils the lid design allows a > lot of water > to escape and drip down the outside, whereas a great design would have > the > water recycled inside the pot. Um, Arch, the pressure cooker was invented long before you washed your first pot. > Archimedes Plutonium, a_plutonium@hotmail.com > whole entire Universe is just one big atom where dots > of the electron-dot-cloud are galaxies The Universe isn't just dots! It's got pots in it too! Repeat after me: DOTS AND POTS! DOTS AND POTS! -- K. DOTS AND POTS! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: zero godz Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2003 02:17:07 -0400 In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > No science in any of tese off topic post. > Get your dumb fuckng buttholes out of here . > I will come ram your key boards up your asses and you can type wile you > walk. > Im going to start conecting your shit to so many fucking sick places > your mailer will hurnia !! > You may or may not fear god but dont fuck with me : )) > Im fucking getting a bit pissed abou you fucking dumbfucks haging out > here. > FUCK OFF OR PAY UP MOTHERFUCKERS > ass grass or gas ,,,no fucking body rides free in here. > This is your only warning...... > Post again and I start fucking with your shit and you aint been fucked > till the giant fucked ya. > Go ahead ,,,next poster under this tred gets a slap,,,,the next gets > his head handed to him. You spelled the following words wrong: "I", "love", "Battlestar", "Galactica", "and", "want", "to", "marry", "it", "right", "now", "no", and "givebacks". -- K. "Your Mailer Will Hurnia" was the best movie about Harvard students learning valuable lessons about the human condition, certainly better than that one with the guy from "Gigli" who can't even figure out that he's in Toronto and not Cambridge. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: USA Today shows evidence of almost understanding the whole Internet thing Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2003 18:14:53 -0400 Summary: HOORAY I AM WRITING A REALLY VAPID ARTICLE ABOUT HOW VAPID I AM! But I can admit that here in this header because nobody reads the Summary: header. from http://www.usatoday.com/tech/webguide/internetlife/2003-08-28-net-fad-history_x.htm -> WEB GUIDE -> -> Posted 8/28/2003 2:51 PM Updated 8/29/2003 2:19 PM -> -> Rummaging through the recycle bin of Net obsessions -> -> Good news: Net fashionistas have already declared the "flash mob" -- -> in which participants follow instructions given by e-mail and -> mobile phone to gather, annoy passersby, and disperse -- passe'. -> Like a vapid-but-catchy summer anthem (here's looking at you, -> Nelly), a sartorial whim that everyone follows and then rapidly -> drops (hello, mood ring!), or the desperately annoying catchprase -> on everyone's lips (whassuuuuup indeed), various cybercultural -> oddities (a.k.a. memes) over the years have made a fleeting impact -> on Net culture, and sometimes beyond it. What year was that, when you could have said "everyone follows" the mood ring? Was this article written by someone who mistakes watching "That '70s Show" for riding in an actual time machine? Also, I'm not aware of the word "memes" meaning "cybercultural oddities". Last I heard, "memes" was one of those words used by psycho-linguistic theorists to mean something else, namely, nothing. -> Consider if you will: -> -> * The Dancing Baby. Created in 1996 to demonstrate a software -> program by Autodesk, the baby took on a life of its own in 1997. -> Back then, when highly realistic moving graphics were innovative -> and the Net was not yet mainstream, Netizens passed along the baby -> because he represented a geek show as well as a freak show. His -> fame peaked when he was featured on the television show Ally McBeal. Because EVERYONE watched "Ally McBeal"! But nobody watched those TV commercials the baby was in that ran 24 hours a day on every channel. I recall a summer where the dancing baby ad for Blockbuster and another for pizza ran during the same programs. And how come nobody but me remembers when Andy Dick tried to do the dancing baby's act but his diaper fell off during the American Comedy Awards? -> * HampsterDance. The (intentional) misspelling wasn't the only -> thing annoying about this chirpy fad. This raises an important philosophical question. Is there such a thing as an "intentional misspelling"? In other words, does the writer of a word or the reader of the word hold the ultimate authority over that word? This illustrates the fundamental philosophy of postmodern approaches to modern literary criticism, as exemplified by... There! I've now become more annoying than HampsterDance! -> Canadian Deidre LaCarte built a personal Web site in the summer of -> 1998 in a competition with her sister and her best friend to see who -> could get the most traffic. She won. Named for LaCarte's -> 2 1/2-year-old pet hamster, Hampton Hampster, the HampsterDance site -> features animated critter dancing to a 20-second music loop (a clip -> from Roger Miller's Whistle-Stop from the 1973 soundtrack of -> Robin Hood). For reasons unknown it hit the big time, showing up -> in e-mail inboxes as that cute link you just had to see. ...because EVERYONE loved the dancing baby, therefore EVERYONE loved the dancing hamster! It was exactly the same thing, but different! -> It has even been featured in a TV commercial by Internet access -> provider EarthLink, and there was a CD released. Its fame has faded, -> but it lives on the Web at hampsterdance2.com. -> -> * Mahir "I Kiss You" Cagri. Mahir Cagri, an accordion-playing, -> fun-loving guy from Izmir, Turkey, created a Web page in 1998 with -> the greeting 'I Kiss You.' As with most Web pages it lived in -> relative obscurity -- until late 1999, when a hacker took the -> already kitschy page, added music and certain risque' elements, and -> sent the URL out to the world. Unlike some unwitting Net celebs -> (such as the Star Wars Kid), Cagri welcomed the fame and created a -> music video, My Name is Mahir, that wasn't exactly a hit. One -> Internet company even flew him to the USA in the middle of the -> dot-com boom to be their representative. You can still see Mahir at -> ikissyou.org. I take it this is an unusually slow news day, even by USA Today standards. "I hereby declare that everyone in the world used to love _________, but now everyone in the world is sick of _____________. Go here to look at the __________ I've just told you you're sick of." That sentence wasn't grammatically proper, but what the hey, I'm only talking to an imaginary USA Today writer. (The article had no byline, therefore I assume nobody wrote it.) -> Other Net insta-celebs include Webcam doyenne Jenni (Jennifer -> Ringley) of jennicam.com; proto-spammers Canter and Siegel, known -> as the "green card lawyers" for a notorious ad posted to thousands -> of Usenet groups in the mid-'90s, and once-ubiquitous cult figure -> "Kibo" (James Parry), who would join the discussion when his name -> was invoked in Usenet newsgroups of the late '80s and early '90s. Hey, I'm still ubiquitous if you live in 1996, when the news media thought "The Internet" was a collection of discussion groups with names like "alt.*" and "rec.*" read by thousands of people. Then in 1997 they realized there were millions of people using something called the Web where there was more stuff. My point is that you have to be a real bozo to claim I ever achieved any actual fame (beyond a centerfold in "Wired" magazine) -- claims about Kibo being famous say more about the mass media failing to keep up with the evolution of Internet culture (and all ripping off their story ideas from "Wired") than anything about me. I'll give USA Today a Secret Bonus Point for realizing that I'm _not_ as important a person as, say, Jennifer Lopez. But then I'll give them a Secret Punishment Point for thinking I was ever famous in any way beyond this weird avalanche of undeserved attention I had for the year after "Wired" published an article on me. -> * All Your Base Are Belong to Us. This is an example of a saying or -> idea that rockets across the Net and becomes as familiar as an -> actual person. (The term spam, when used in reference to junk -> e-mail, is the most famous and successful of these.) Please tell me more. Who is this person who is exactly as famous as the abstract concept of spam? -> The phrase, derived from a bad Japanese-to-English translation in the -> game Zero Wing, started showing up in the far corners of the Net in 2000 -> and shot to Web superstardom the following spring. Dear SomethingAwful.com, Why do you keep your site in "the far corners of the Net" instead of out in the open where the nameless USA Today reporter could have found it? -> People picked up the phrase and created a panoply of Web sites using it; -> they built Internet billboards, they morphed photos, they even put -> together music videos. But like other flashes in the pan, it retreated -> as quickly as it had appeared. Yeah, I can't even find a single "Internet billboard" these days. But I can still see several Internet water towers and Internet freight yards behind the text of this cyber-window. Now if you'll excuse me, like other flashes in the pan, I must retreat across the pan, because that's what flashes do, according to the experts at USA Today. Hey, "being Slashdotted" is the term for when someone's little Web site is overwhelmed by visitors following links from a popular site like SlashDot. What's the term for when USA Today links to your vanity site and you don't even notice until Vince Lavers tells you about the article and then you go look at the logs and notice "oh, yeah, there was a lot of activity a few days ago but it hardly really matters in the grand scheme of things, what with all of us being completely preoccupied with some incredibly minor fad that we're not aware of right now but which USA Today will say we were all obsessed with when they write a timely article about it seven years from now?" Just think, in 2010, USA Today will be anonymously decrying how in 2003 all people spent spent all their time talking about Jennifer Lopez. I'm glad I've never mentioned her. -- K. Not that I'm bitter about how I never get any attention. I'm just bitter because I never deserved the attention I used to get! Hey, someone should write an article about that. Preferably in "Reader's Digest", because I've never been mentioned in there, unlike "Playboy" and "Mechanical Engineering" and "The Schenectady Gazette". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: USA Today shows evidence of almost understanding the whole Internet thing Date: Mon, 01 Sep 2003 18:19:27 -0400 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] This illustrates the fundamental philosophy of > > postmodern approaches to modern literary criticism, as exemplified by... > > There! I've now become more annoying than HampsterDance! > > No, not yet you're not. But you *are* more annoying than Humpty Dumpty. The magazine, or the potato chips? I don't find the magazine very annoying, although I never can remember the difference between it and "Children's Digest", just like I can never remember the difference between "Highlights For Children" and being given a slow-acting sedative in an ugly-looking wrapper that only changes once every 38 years. The potato chips aren't very annoying either, although their Ringolos are scientifically designed to scrape the roof of your mouth raw when you eat them, but if you confuse Ringolos with real potato chips, you've got bigger problems than having a bloody mouth. -- K. Am I annoying you yet? Am I annoying you yet? Am I annoying you yet? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: USA Today shows evidence of almost understanding the whole Internet thing Date: Mon, 01 Sep 2003 00:03:15 -0400 David Sewell (dsewell@virginia.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > My point is that you have to be a real bozo to claim I ever achieved > > any actual fame (beyond a centerfold in "Wired" magazine) > > You achieved impressive contrafactual fame. Remember, when TIME magazine > discovered the Internet in 1994 and solicited input into their Person of > the Year competition in the form of an online ballot, you would have won > if not for TIME's nefarious post facto decision to disallow ballot > stuffing. Yeah, but I'd also win _every_ election if not for that other rule that the winner has to get the most votes. > Also, does proleptic fame count? As in the fact that by the year 2103 > more people will know Kibo's role in Internet history than, say, Ted > Nelson's? I agree, not a lot of people will remember "Sea Hunt" in 2103. But I doubt they'll remember me either, unless I get some coins minted. Just think, future archaeologists will dig up our stuff... they'll find lots of toilets, dirty diapers, the animation of the dancing baby and the dancing hamsters, and coins. So I have to get on coins. If I were on all coins starting next year, the archaeologists of 2103 will conclude that Abraham Lincoln and his wife George Washington were emperors of the United States for hundreds of years, then they died of extreme old age and then Kibo took over. -- K. I suppose the backs of my coins should show me slaughtering someone, if I want to make sure coin collectors will think they're cool. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Now that's very special (was: USA Today) Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2003 18:26:02 -0400 About two minutes ago, I posted: > > Hey, "being Slashdotted" is the term for when someone's little Web site is > overwhelmed by visitors following links from a popular site like SlashDot. > What's the term for when USA Today links to your vanity site and you don't > even notice [...] Right after posting the article, I flipped back into my Web browser to go open up the USA Today article so I could take a picture of it for posterity, and every time I tried to access usatoday.com, I kept getting: +------------------------------------------------------+ | Error | +------------------------------------------------------+ | | | [!] The attempt to load 'Accessing URL: | | http://www.usatoday.com/tech/webguide/interne | | tlife/2003-08-28-net-fad-history_x.htm' failed. | | | | [ OK ] | +------------------------------------------------------+ So. USA Today links to kibo.com, and nothing happens. I post a link to USA Today, and they go down instantly when hundreds of billions of Kibo fans throughout the USA (where the Internet is) follow that link simultaneously like the ultra-fast lemmings that Internet users are. YAY! I HAVE SUPERCYBERSLASHDOTTIFIED USA TODAY'S CYBERWEB NEWSLINE ELECTROPAPER! This proves that I am still the most important person in the world, if your world consists of those two Web sites. In fact, that goes double for those of you whose world consists only of my lame Web site. -- K. (Actually, it was a little "cartoon hand in a stop sign" icon, not an exclamation point, but I don't know how to draw one of those with brackets around it.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Now that's very special Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2003 19:51:35 -0400 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > OH NO! NOW KIBO IS LESS COOL THAN THE ONION AND ONLY SLIGHTLY COOLER > THAN NAKED PICTURES OF MARINA SIRTIS! But I'm still cooler than pictures of her with her clothes on, acting. Now, as for Patrick Stewart, I'm less cool than pictures of him acting, but cooler than naked pictures of him. Also it must really bug him whenever he opens up the newspaper on this birthday and sees that the only other celebrity born on that day is me. At least I have him to look up to, but _he_ was born on the same day as a _nobody_! I'm glad whenever I look at the list of who else was born that day, there's nobody who isn't famous. > I am disappointed that the USA Today article didn't see fit to mention > Archimedes Plutonium, who was ACTUALLY ON REAL ACTUAL TEEVEE FOR REAL! > And then later was investigated by the police to see if he was an insane > murderer, but it turns out he wasn't! I guess USA Today just doesn't > CARE about ACTUAL FLASH-IN-THE-PAN INTERNET CELEBRITIES. Well, see, I was on the same TV program about a week before or after Archie. I forget which order they showed the two episodes, but let's assume mine was first, because otherwise my theory will be wrong. After they showed my episode, USA Today watched it and said, "Hey! Kibo's not famous any more! Therefore, everyone who comes after him on this show must be even less famous than Kibo isn't!" The show used me as an example of the scary weirdos who might take over the Internet if we relax our vigilance. The footage was mostly me walking around Harvard Square ignoring the homeless. I was wearing a blazer. Also, I was on TV once before the Internet happened, but we won't count that because I think everyone else who's been to Sears has also been on a TV. -- K. Good thing I'm not famous, or every time someone mentioned me on the Internet it would get forwarded to a million people, crashing the entire Internet. The only people that famous are Anna Kournikova, Michaelangelo, and Penis Enlarger. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's Probably A Bad Sign Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2003 19:25:47 -0400 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Theresa Willis (tdwillis@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > When the ER doc examining your eye shouts "Hey, you guys, get in here! > > You gotta see this!" > > > > Sure, everything is OK now, but at the time it was a bit > > disconcerting. > > Kind of like when the Ear Nose and Throat specialist asked if he could > keep copies of my sinus x-rays for his teaching files. So what was the > deal with your eyes? Did they not realize you were wearing the white > opaque contacts? What's worse is when the receptionist yells "Hey, you guys, get in here! You gotta see this!" when you come in. That's never happened to me, but still just to make sure I'm never going to the doctor again. Paula, when the doctor asked if he could keep copies of your X-rays, did he phrase it like "Can I keep copies of your sinus X-rays for my... (pause) ''teaching files''?" or "Can I keep copies of your sinus X-rays for my... uh, uh, um, teaching, heh heh heh heh, heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, files?" I'll bet you a dollar he's stalking the inside of your body. -- K. Especially if that was the first time you found out he'd been X-raying you through your bedroom wall. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: It's Probably A Bad Sign Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2003 21:18:54 -0400 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > I had an infected eyelash follicle looked at in the ER once, the > doctor gave me some antibiotic ointment and she told me "apply it just > like you were putting on eyeliner". Right, like I'm some kind of goth > or a chyk or something. Doctors are dumb. Well, she wanted to make sure you didn't accidentally put it up your butt. -- K. Speaking of hairy eyeballs, who decided that the new computer-animated "Garfield" movie should be promoted with a poster showing an extreme close-up of the cat's hairy eyelids? Aren't cartoon characters supposed to have shiny white vertical stripes on their eyelids, not shag carpeting? Is the new Garfield wearing an eye toupee? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: still a ZOMBIE Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2003 19:56:54 -0400 Conmidhe (ark1.20.conmidhe@spamgourmet.com) wrote: > > Apparently the local fire dept. is in real big hurry for me to stop being > UNDEAD. They came by again today to check on me and this time they brought > along a couple extra guys and a wagon to haul me off in. They were muchly > disappointed to see me not all the way dead yet. Ah! At last "Conmidhe"'s real name has been revealed. And I don't blame you for using a pseudonym, with a real name like "Bob Hope"! -- K. Don't worry, when I die, I'll make sure everyone knows about it. I've already paid the producers of "America's Funniest Home Videos" to show the tape of however I wind up dying. Wait, that guarantees nobody will ever see it. Do you think they'd show me being horribly killed if I approached the producers of a more popular program, like "Friends"? I suppose it depends on how I get killed, and whether a cute monkey is involved. On second thought, I better just never die. There's already too much sickening stuff on TV, like "Friends". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Doll has bee Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2003 20:09:27 -0400 Andrew J. Zimolzak (zimolzak@msu.edu) wrote: > > [Australian news story] > -> > -> 'Smart' doll can see and read > -> August 20, 2003 > -> > -> [...] > -> > -> Cindy Smart, who "sees" via a camera located under a bee on her > -> overalls and has a computer "brain" that can recognise more than 600 > -> words and objects, was launched for the first time outside the United > -> States at Myer Melbourne yesterday. > > Apparently, a few U.S. news sources covered this toy after its release > here about a year ago, but nobody mentioned that it had bee. Depend > on the media in the People's United Republics of Austria to present > unbiased coverage of what has bee. > > By the way, if she has her camera located under a bee, how come she > doesn't just say "Bee, Bee, Bee," all day long? Also, wouldn't you have to take the overalls off to have sex with her? Or isn't it that kind of doll-with-a-camera-in-it? One thing that's puzzled me for a while is that women and girls are often terrified of critters like bees, spiders, dragonflies, etc. Yet when you look at what critters are put on women's jewelry and clothing, insects and spiders are at least as common as kitties and doggies. My conclusion is that 3-D bees are scary and evil but 2-D bees are cute. Apparently bees can be cutened by just running over them with a tiny steamroller. Could someone please explain the rules for which insects are cute in which dimensions? Would 1-D bees be super-cute and would 4-D bees be so scary you'd die if you just thought about them? -- K. And why are some people afraid of dragonflies? They don't _do_ anything! (Except when they breathe fire.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Doll has bee Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2003 20:20:35 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Andrew J. Zimolzak (zimolzak@msu.edu) wrote: > > > > By the way, if she has her camera located under a bee, how come she > > doesn't just say "Bee, Bee, Bee," all day long? > > Or, more accurately, "Bee butt, Bee butt, Bee butt." That's implying that the bee on her Oshkosh Bee-Gosh overalls is facing outwards. Quite an assumption to make, given that the doll is made by the Taiwanese manufacturer Manley Toy Quest -- their principal business is making those sets of military vehicles sold at K-Mart, the giant boxes which contain two tiny plastic Jeeps and 48 little plastic traffic cones which are as wide as they are tall and the box usually says "Copyright 2003 BC". No, wait, that's Boley. Or Doley or Loley, I never can figure it out give that weird font they used four thousand years ago when they printed all their cardboard boxes. Manley Toy Quest is a different maker of cheap imported toys. The doll in question is sold through the Home Shopping Network and a variety of Web sites that only sell "As Seen On TV" stuff. So I have no idea in what geological epoch the Cindy Smart doll claims to have been copyrighted. Could be Triassic for all I know, which would explain why you quoted her saying "butt" three times. Also, Manley doesn't make any toys which are manley. Their toys are all girley or babyey. -- K. I miss Manley Hubbell. What ever happened to him? Did he leave on a Voyage To Gravolti, the planet where punctuation marks are plentiful? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: PLEASE EXPLAIN Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2003 20:28:34 -0400 "revjack" (revjack@revjack.net) wrote: > > http://revjack.net/cstpb030822.gif > > I donut get the funny. The joke is that, see, when you make out with a mermaid, you think she's a sexy woman, and then you discover that she has no genitals because she's a fish. That's funny because the guy in the story almost has sex but can't really, which is the only thing funnier than sex. I like the way the fish at the upper right is drawn. His spikes and fins are interchangeable! Also, he's mauve because he is secretly a superintelligent Bumble Ball! Why did they always involve mauve? (The phrase "involve mauve" is the sort of almost-rhyming clang association that would get quoted a lot if only more people were insane. Please go insane so that you can quote me more often.) -- K. Wait... cartoons are meant to be funny? Even on the Web? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: a news story I missed back in February 2003 Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2003 20:54:04 -0400 From the Olympian (Washington state), last Febrary: -> -> Kibo Klinger has seen some difficult cases as a veteran certified -> therapist at Providence St. Peter Hospital. -> -> Many arrive in wheelchairs. Some are aided by walkers. Others are -> hooked to bulky medical equipment. -> -> But Kibo knows just what to do. -> -> His method of treatment is as natural and effective as the sight of -> a dog's wagging tail. -> -> When Clara Robinson, a lymphedema patient from Sault Ste. Marie, -> Ontario, rolls her wheelchair toward him for a dose of comfort, -> Kibo positions himself for maximum reachability. -> -> He lets Robinson massage his silky ears, then offers his old -> standby remedy -- a long, soulful gaze. -> -> "I'm so thankful they do this," said Robinson, referring to the pet -> therapy program that employs Kibo, a 10-year-old beagle. Hey! I'm twice as old as that! -> [...] -> -> -> "This is his job," said Kibo's housemate and working partner, -> Judith Klinger. "He stands there and people fawn over him all day -- -> it's so tough to be him." Yeah! And yet what with claiming to be a dog, I still can't get out of the Army! (Jamie Farr proved it: Lenny Bruce's material only worked in the Navy.) -> Kibo is one of 23 dogs who are registered and active as Pet -> Partners at Providence St. Peter. -> After an hour or two of tending to patients, Klinger said, Kibo -> is usually exhausted. When he gets home, he sleeps long and hard. Actually, it's usually dachshunds that do that. -> The work is stressful for animals, Sabia said. It's important to -> include only those dogs who enjoy the work. -> -> Klinger said Kibo is very enthusiastic when he knows he's heading -> for the hospital. -> -> "But," she said, "I confess that I bribe him. We go to McDonald's -> afterwards. He gets the burger; I get the fries." That's punishment, not a reward! I'd rather go to White Castle any day. Although I don't know if they allow dogs to run around in their restaurants the way McDonald's does. -- K. Do you like how I added "(Washington State)" so that you wouldn't think I was reading mythological newspapers from ancient Greece this time? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Doggy Mystery Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2003 21:03:01 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > So I noticed the other day that my dog had been digging in one of the > flower beds. There was slight depression next to the border, and a > clump of dirt and soil aid nearby. He has dug a hole in one of the > other beds so he can get out of the heat and lie in cool, clammy dirt. > But this new disturbance didn't look like a particularly comfy bed, so > I poked around with a shovel. > > And turned up a 1-pound loaf of what appears to be wheat bread. Mom! Kevin's weighing yard loaves again! > Yesterday, I saw him nosing around the base of our Hawthorne tree, so > I poked around there with a shovel. Mom! Kevin's playing "shovel poker" but this time he left out the apostrophe! > And turned up a dinner roll, also wheat. Mom! Kevin can tell which meal a yard roll goes for just by looking at it! > CURSED THEORIES > > 1. A very big squirrel dragged both items into the yard and Reggie > buried them. (I have seen a squirrel on the back fence eating a whole > piece of pizza. But a 1-pound loaf of bread?) Mom! Kevin used the phrase "a whole piece" in a sentence! > 2. Someone walking by our place threw the items over the fence. (If I > wanted to poison a dog, I might consider soaking a loaf of bread in > antifreeze. But why not hamburger and rat poison?) Mom! Kevin's asking rhetorical questions about White Castle again! > 3. Reggie has figured out how to bake stuff in my Kamado. Mom! Kevin's trying to bake things inside an iguana-style dragon again! -- K. Mom! Kevin called me repetitive! AGAIN! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bubbly Milk Date: Mon, 01 Sep 2003 18:48:32 -0400 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > MILFORD, New York (AP) -- Adding bubbles to milk is tricky. Pump in > too many, and it foams over. Add too few and why bother? George and > Mary Ann Clark, husband-and-wife entrepreneurs, have spent the past > seven years trying to find the balance. Last week, they started > production on a carbonated milk-based drink called Refreshing Power > Milk -- RPM -- and they already have orders coming in from school > districts. > > http://www.cnn.com/2003/EDUCATION/09/01/carbonated.milk.ap/index.html > > Pepsi and Coke are already test-marketing carbonated milk drinks with > wacky, edgy names like Zombie Moo Jooz on a Stick. George and Mary > should've thought about that before spending seven years coming up > with their Refrshing Power Milk. > > I expect a full report from one of the Kibo-people food testers, if > not from K himself. But be careful. Some of these products are > available only in schools, and I expect you can get arrested, shot, or > both for being on school property without permission these days. Once every six months, "Omni" magazine used to print an article about how scientists have at last solved the problem of getting kids to buy more milk by doing a billion dollars' worth of research into how to get bubbles in it. The articles would always breathtakingly describe the three flavors it would come in and tell you that you'd be able to get it really soon. Then six months later carbonated milk would be re-discovered. And re-re-discovered. And so on. Eventually, "Omni" went out of business around the time people realized the 1980s should be declared finished. Now, CNN Headline News has been filling this important void by bringing us that same "news" story every six months, on basic cable. If it's summer, it's time once again for food vaporware in the form of carbonated milk that nobody asked for, nobody would like, and nobody is selling! There seems to be a large collection of people who keep inventing this stuff because they think it must be a great idea (because it combines two things that people normally want to keep really separate) and they always fail to sell any of it and the news media can't remember more than five months so every six months, bingo, another identical news story. CNN Headline News now just rotates through a handful of stories: Carbonated milk is just around the corner, household robots are just around the corner, 3-D TV is just around a 3-D corner, and look at the waterskiing squirrel. This is why I'm going to call my cable company and demand that they give me the pricey premium channels without the worthless basic channels. -- K. And now, some reruns, because I want to become CNN Headline News: ////////// EXCERPTED RE-RUNS BEGIN, IN NEW IMPROVED SOUND-BITE FORM ////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New blue food! In convenient slime form! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 1 Jan 2002 06:32:54 GMT Jym Dyer (jym@econet.org) wrote: > > =v= In Pittsburgh, hometown of the Heinz pickle empire, they're > test-marketing green ketchup and have more colors waiting. A little late for that, isn't it? It's been on sale everywhere in the U.S. for about two years. You're going to be sooooo embarassed when you realize that the rest of us have been enjoying green and even purple ketchup all day every day while you've been sitting at home eating your Space Food Sticks and Reggie bars and watching the Dumont network and voting to re-elect President Dewey. We're all having fun covering everything in our homes with fluorescent ketchup and you're not! I guess that makes you bad. -- K. Oh, and heads-up on the whole carbonated milk thing. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Warning: Do not read this article. It's about scientists and babies. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Thu, 7 Jun 2001 05:58:27 GMT l'AFP wrote (via ClariNet): > > US use of dead babies for nuclear experiments is well-documented: official > > WASHINGTON, June 6 (AFP) - The United States has acknowledged > for years that it used corpses of babies in nuclear experiments > conducted for two decades from the 1950s, a US Energy Department > official said Wednesday. It's the ATTACK OF THE FIFTY-FOOT RADIOACTIVE DEAD BABY!!! Now that's a SICK idea. They should be ASHAMED of themselves for doing that. [...] > In June 1994, then energy secretary Hazel O'Leary collected some > 11,000 documents detailing experiments on stillborn and other dead > babies by nuclear researchers working for the US military. This was back when the US Military needed to improve their atomic bomb in case the Soviets ever built a bigger version of the Berlin Wall out of dead babies. Sure, a regular atomic bomb would blow up the dead babies, but it wouldn't make them any deader. And science was working to fix that. In fact, I think they still are. That, and they're trying to find a way to get people to buy carbonated milk. [...] ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mensa logo Date: 1998/03/13 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, rec.org.mensa Because Matt McIrvin is too lazy to explain my posts, I will start explaining his. Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Here's my entry in the "Design A New Mensa Logo" contest: > > > > ############ ################## ###### ######## # ####### AAAAAAAAAAAA > > # # # # #----- # # # # A__________A > > # ### # ###### # ##### ##### A A > > Strange... When I look at it, I get a sudden need to ride a trolley in > San Francisco. He is referring to great actor Paul Muni, who was the first husband of Kleo Muni, who married Philip K. Dick (only he didn't know it 'cause he was on acid.) PKD married her because she looked like Linda Ronstadt and Valerie Bertinelli combined. > And to read lots of science-fiction stories about alien orgasms and ads > for the Amazing Bone Fone and true science articles about psychic > warfare and how carbonated milk is coming next year. Here Matt's talking about Omni, the only magazine to be projected on a giant geodesic dome at science museums and Chuck E. Cheeses everywhere. [...] ////////// EXCERPTED RE-RUNS END, BECAUSE NOBODY WANTS TO READ ABOUT CARBONATED MILK, MUCH LESS DRINK IT, AND OOPS JUST I WENT AROUND A CORNER AND THESE SLASHES GOT ALL WEIRD AND STUFF \\ \\ \\ \\ \\\\\\\\\ \\ \\ The preponderance of "Omni" articles on carbonated milk (which I now \\ regret teaching Matt about, probably on the first day I met him) are \\ also why, for the past 12 years, I have been occasionally mentioning \\ the ultimate scary meme, something so disturbing that it's never even \\ been on TV: carbonated urine. \\ \\ DON'T THINK ABOUT CARBONATED URINE! \\ \\ -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bubbly Milk Date: Tue, 02 Sep 2003 02:08:19 -0400 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The preponderance of "Omni" articles on carbonated milk (which I now > > regret teaching Matt about, probably on the first day I met him) > > I think originally learned about imminent introduction of carbonated > milk from "National Geographic World" in the early 1980s. Or either > that or it was that version of Consumer Reports for kids that was > called "Zillion$" (pronounced "zillions"). Definitely it was one of > those magazines my family subscribed me to when I was a kid. It's hard to tell those apart, especially if you factor in all the other supposedly-educational magazines like "Pennywise" that claimed to teach kids valuable lessons about money but were really just pictures of products you might be interested in purchasing, like carbonated milk. You know, if carbonated milk had any appeal at all, they'd call it "EXTREEEEEEME CARBONATED MILK!!!" but I've never heard it called that, because apparently it's something even the marketing hypesters can't pass off as being extreeeeeeme! Other long-extinct kids' magazines of the 1970s and 1980s: "Odyssey", which was a science magazine, and "The Electric Company" (I think they might still print "Sesame Street", but there's no point now that Elmo's taken over.) I always liked the page numbers in "Sesame Street" (they were always pictures of things you could count, such as Big Bird blowing a monotonically-increasing series of soap bubbles.) But "Zoobooks" is still around. All twelve or however many issues they ever printed are still in circulation, advertised at 3:30 in the morning when kids are flipping channels looking for material for their essay on "Tigers Are Big". Speaking of "Sesame Street" magazine, was there ever a "Canadian Sesame Street" magazine where Big Bird was crossed out and Basil, Dodi, and Louis were pasted in? Also, if we connected the homes of "Sesame Street" (Astoria, New York), "Sesame Park" (some location in Toronto, I guess) and "Sesame Place" (an amusement park between Philadelphia and Baltimore) would that triangle be as powerful as the Bermuda Triangle, or would it be just a stupid imaginary triangle delinated by puppets? At the rate they're adding new Muppets, will it be long before the three sets of them can link their fuzzy arms and spread out from these three vertices to trap all the toddlers in the country within the Muppetriangle? The only "Canadian Sesame Street" I've seen (the videotape "Basil Hears A Noise") was terrifying, especially because it had a guest appearance by Elmo. Also, all the Muppets had "Kids In The Hall" accents and they got the last letter of the alphabet wrong. In the U.S., we can sing "...X, Y, and Zee, now I know my ABC, next time won't you sing with me," but in Canada they have to sing "...X, Y, and Zed, now my ABC's been said, next time won't you sing with Fred," which is only applicable to Canadians who know a Fred. Do they even have Freds in Canada? (I bet there's a special tax on them.) -- K. I think that in a fight between Abelardo and Louis, Abelardo would win in about two seconds, except Louis has a less irritating voice. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: old children's magazines (was: Bubbly Milk) Date: Wed, 03 Sep 2003 02:53:56 -0400 Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Other long-extinct kids' magazines of the 1970s and 1980s: "Odyssey", > > which was a science magazine, and "The Electric Company" (I think they > > might still print "Sesame Street", but there's no point now that > > Elmo's taken over.) I always liked the page numbers in "Sesame Street" > > (they were always pictures of things you could count, such as Big Bird > > blowing a monotonically-increasing series of soap bubbles.) > > Odyssey was specialized towards astronomy, at least when I read it. Well, > that and nine panel comics about a robot travelling into antimatter > universes and rooting for the Milwaukee Brewers. You're right, astronomy is not science. I had it confused with astrology. > Other kids magazines besides "Highlights for Children" included: > > "Ranger Rick": Conservation is fun. Give a hoot, don't pollute, etc. And raccoons are your friends! Even though they wear the same domino masks as all the jewel thieves in crummy Disney comedies, and even though they will eat your hands when you try to pet them and then you die of rabies. > "Enter": My favorite from the Children's Television Workshop, though it > never had it's own television series. Had programs for various home > computer platforms (they even added a Timex Sinclair 2068 section after I > sent them a whiny letter). Later, as it's popularity waned, it was made > into a section of "3-2-1 Contact", though that section disappeared and was > replaced by a section for "Square One Television". I don't remember that magazine at all. Probably a good thing I never saw it, because I might have written in saying "I don't have a Timex Sinclair 2068! Please remove that section!" and then they would have done it, and if I signed my letter "No givebacks!" you'd be unable to undo it, especially because I called no boomerang zones. > "3-2-1 Contact": I think this was actually advertised as, "For graduates > of The Electric Company" unless it was "The Electric Company" that was > advertised as "For graduates of Sesame Street". Perhaps both are true. I never had "3-2-1 Contact", but yeah, "Sesame Street" was supposed to prepare your mind for the psychedelic assault of readin' power that was "The Electric Company", the grooviest, funkiest, Morgan Freemanest way to learn that reading is cool even though Fonzie wasn't involved. If Morgan Freeman and Henry Winkler had a cool-off, Easy Reader would win and Fonzie would have to wear a tu-tu for the rest of his life. > "Boy's Life": The magazine for boy scouts and cub scouts and, yes, even > Webelos. Had tales of True Scout Courage, as well as instructions to build > pinebox derby cars, better fires, or robots out of an old trash can, some > motors, and PVC pipe. Didn't really read it much as I didn't really care > for being a scout. I once drew some cartoons they didn't, or wouldn't, print. > "Jack and Jill" and "Humpty Dumpty": I vaguely remember these, though I > know one of them reprinted Tin Tin comics. I think they always had ads for > Keane art on the back cover. Printed on newsprint, nothing glossy. One of those two magazines is the reason why, to this day, I hate "Tintin". I also hate his baby hair and his "WOAH!" and "BOUM!". I think it was French class that taught me to hate "Asterix", though. That, and that movie Etienne recommended. Hey, if Snowy and Ideefixe got into a fight, who would care who would win? > "Peanut Butter": From the fine folks at Scholastic... was more of a > monthly activity book than anything else. A bunch of little cardboard > figures to punch out, comics, and games. > > "Weekly Reader": OK, not really a magazine, just a folded over sheet (or > two) of newsprint to pretend like it was a REAL newspaper for kids! Looks > like they're still around: > > http://www.weeklyreader.com/homepage.asp The other Scholastic/Xerox brand publication I remember circa 1975 was "Wow" (as I once mentioned, it was advertised as "Wow Is Mom Upside-Down", or possibly vice-versa if they were making a dirty joke for the six-year-olds in their target audience.) All I remember about it is that the graphic design was a total rip-off of "The Electric Company"'s rip-off of the whole Milton Glaser / Peter Max / Heinz Edelmann drug-induced aesthetic. > > Speaking of "Sesame Street" magazine, was there ever a "Canadian > > Sesame Street" magazine where Big Bird was crossed out and Basil, > > Dodi, and Louis were pasted in? > > Somewhere I still have an issue of the Arabic version of "Sesame Street" > magazine that has the noseless biped version of Snuffleupagus (sp?). And > it's read from right to left because the middle east is closer to Japan > than we are. Bert wasn't seen pictured with any ne'er do wells, no matter > what wacky internet trends of yesteryear not mentioned by USA Today would > lead you to believe. Noman the camel. He made international news when Saddam Hussein's troops annexed Kuwait (they stole the Noman puppet, temporarily halting the production of "Yaya Simsim".) Every licensed local version of "Sesame Street" has a different mentally- challenged child-proxy critter in place of Big Bird. In Mexico and South America, it's Abelardo Pajaro (big green parrot with a REALLY ANNOYING VOICE) and in Canada, it's Basil the big dumb bear. Noman is theirs. "Canadian Sesame Street" is an oddity in that it was first made from 3/4 American footage, with the Spanish stuff replaced with French stuff (Louis the otter is bilingual) and the letter "zee" changed to "zed". But even though it satisfied the rule that all Canadian TV has to have crudely-pasted-in "Canadian Content" (like the "Great White North" segments they added to "SCTV") it wasn't enough and there were worries that Canadian children would see too many American hand puppets on TV, so the program was retooled as "Sesame Park", an entirely Canadian production. Then I think it died and now the Canadians _only_ have access to American "Sesame Street", just as God intended. -- K. ...although I don't think he's the one controlling Elmo. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Bubbly Milk Date: Mon, 01 Sep 2003 19:29:06 -0400 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) found an important news story: > > > > MILFORD, New York (AP) -- Adding bubbles to milk is tricky. Pump in > > too many, and it foams over. Add too few and why bother? > > Back in my day, we bubbled our milk ourselves. And it was easy to do. > I can't remember whether that was before or after we walked 15 miles > to school in a blizzard. Damn memory ain't what it used to be. Too > many chilblains. Whatever they are. Chiliblains are those things they serve at Taco Bell. The word "blain" is a cross between "bean" and "plain" to show that the chili has hundreds of beans in it and therefore tastes like plain beans, not chili. A chiliblain is a wet bag of chili wrapped in a soggy, translucent rice-flour tortilla that stretches and droops when you pick it up, so that it not only drips straight down, but drips in every other direction at the same time. It's the saggy dinner that leaks! Also, if you ask them to leave out the cheez, instead they insert a hard plastic rectangle stamped "THIS IS WHERE THE CHEEZ WOULD HAVE BEEN" to make sure there's no empty space, because nobody likes biting into empty space when they're all set to bite into a big gross thing. As far as fizzy milk goes, Taco Bell scientists are trying to find a way to combine carbonated milk with chocolate milk, but it's a difficult process. Stir them together too quickly, and it splashes all over the kitchen. Stir too slowly, and you die of old age. And why bother? -- K. Also, isn't there already a thing called a "milkshake" which has bubbles in it, except around Rhode Island where it has coffee in it? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Map cake event. Date: Mon, 01 Sep 2003 19:16:39 -0400 [Guess what. Don found a Web page that mentions the Boston Public Library.] Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > Would that map cake be considered a kind of kibological event ?... at > http://www.ksg.harvard.edu/rappaport/charterday/past.htm Well, it _would_ have been, if you had never found out about it. Curse you for retroactively crashing this elegant party which was a really great party because it had a custom-decorated cake and not one of those solid-color ones! But thanks to you finding out about it, now the wacky blue party cake from last year is _ruined_! Also, that photo of Mayor Menino cutting the "map cake" outside the BPL looks dangerously close to a photo of people eating pastry on the same sidewalk behind the library where the homeless people try to avoid freezing to death. But I know that Mayor Menino would never be so crass as to eat this gaily-decorated cake in the bums' alley. Nice view of the rusty iron bars on the window behind him, though. It would have been more photogenic if he'd been on the Boylston Street side of the library in front of those big granite slabs they put up to keep crazy people who hate the BPL from driving car bombs into it. Speaking of which, Don, why are you suddenly so interested in researching the side of the library that isn't protected from those? Or the photo could just show them in the library's secret courtyard, as it claims to, if we assume that the things in the background that look like a lamppost and a phone booth are really just potted plants. -> The Boston Public Library hosted Boston's 372nd Birthday Party -> in its renovated courtyard. Mayor Thomas M. Menino presided over -> the event, cutting a giant flatcake decorated with a map of Boston -> and its neighborhoods and leading celebrants in singing -> "Happy Birthday" to Boston. Of course, if Boston had a 372nd birthday party almost a year ago, that means that there's a 373rd one this week. But this time, Don, we're not going to let you know which major public library in central Boston will be hosting it. It could be at either the Mary Baker Eddy Library For The Betterment Of Humanity(TM) or the Boston Public Library, and until you figure it out, you won't get to watch us having cake while you stand on the other side of the street in front of the Dunkin' Donuts! As far as last year's used-to-be-secret-from-Don giant-flat-cake party went, it was delicious, although I picked all the Helvetica off my slice before I ate it. I feel sorry for the people who had to eat Deer Island and Spectacle Island. (No matter how much frosting they dump on Spectacle Island, it still tastes bad.) According to the Web page, after the cake party, those of us in the know as influential movers and shakers in the Boston Public Library Conspiracy went to church for "a special interfaith service", meaning "a political photo opportunity": -> The service marked the debut of the hymn "O Boston!" I don't recall whether Archimedes Plutonium sang that or just composed it. -- K. I like how the Boston Map Cake faithfully depicts the Earth's polar ice caps covering Cambridge and Roxbury. Good thing I live in the part of Boston which is on the Equator. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Map cake event. Date: Tue, 02 Sep 2003 22:04:05 -0400 [regarding Don Saklad asking about a little party at the Boston Public Library threw last year] Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > You see the guy in the blue blazer in the background of that first > photo? The one with the casually attentive gaze? Who looks as if he > has a thin wire running into his ear and a lapel microphone? > > I'd bet dollars to doughnuts he has a picture of Don in his breast > pocket. I'll bet you credits to navy beans he _is_ Don Saklad. Oh, and that wire from his ear doesn't disappear into the part of his clothing you think it does. I think this year I'll go to the party and wave a reporter's notebook and yell at the mayor, "Mayor Menino, what are your feelings concerning the tragic death of Don Saklad?" And if he says anything other than "Wuh?", such as "I would enjoy that immensely" or, more tellingly, "No comment!", then he'll have accidentally let it slip that he's secretly planning to run Don Saklad over with his mayormobile (powered by burning copies of the library's financial records.) Hey, what Saklad-proof disguise should I wear _if_ I attend this year's? I'm not saying I _am_ going, or whether I'm getting to ride in the front or the back of the mayormobile. But what disguise should I wear? -- K. Gas mask? Ringo Starr? Brenda Starr? Urkel? Man From Glad? Psychedelic haberdasher? Glowing blue alien brain that yells "I wager ten quatloos that Matt McIrvin will also use the phrase 'I'll bet you credits to navy beans' in reply to Kevin's article!"? Sponge Bob Death Pants? Niels Bohr? The Burger King after he became a Hare Krishna? A giant flying slice of olive loaf? Ringo Bohr? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Map cake event. Date: Tue, 02 Sep 2003 07:11:26 -0400 Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > Perhaps leaving your car, returning to your car or whenever you walk > on the little street around back of the lib, Blagdon Street, > it would be nice to bring sandwiches for the guys resting by the grating, > by the ventilation there. Perhaps it would be nice for you to be buying me a car, renting me a car, or giving me a car for the next time I feel like going on a drive to the wino district. Also, I'm not sure they could afford to buy any of the sandwiches I'd be selling. I mean, fat chance of the winos springing for the focaccia. -- K. Of course, not all of them are winos. Some are just weirdos who feel they have to spend every moment near the Boston Public Library. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Did I or did I not imagine this commercial? Date: Tue, 02 Sep 2003 04:31:11 -0400 ...so the guy in the commercial for a sleazy-seeming local furniture store wants to tell me how cushy the leather sofas he pretends he's manufacturing himself are, and he reminds us that babies have really soft bottoms. Then he says his sofa is made from "baby-soft leather"! I was going to preserve that ad for posterity (I have a couple hundred archived as evidence of my brilliant thesis that TV commercials might sometimes be stupid) but I was distracted by other matters and forgot to copy it to a tape before clearing my TiVo's scrollback buffer. So we may have to wait for it to show up again before we know whether or not I hallucinated an ad for "baby-soft leather". I'm pretty sure I didn't, as I think it would be unlikely for a hallucination to contain commercials (although I did once imagine an entire twelve-hour PBS pledge break. It was still shorter than a real one.) -- K. How many babies does it take to shingle a sofa? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Magician David "Diapers" Blaine Date: Tue, 02 Sep 2003 06:59:46 -0400 This just in: Alleged-magician-who-is-really-a-carnival-geek David Blaine has announced that his next trick will be to live in a clear plastic box hanging from a crane (in London) for 44 days. Although "trick" might be too strong a word for his disinteresting exhibitionism. Reuters informs us: -> Blaine will eat no food and will have one tube for water and another -> for urinating. Uh, yeah. 44 days without food. That's more implausible than "The Mark Of Gideon." Next they'll expect me to believe that the chicken pot pie the founder of the "Breatharians" was seen eating was made out of some sort of baked air. As far as having one tube for drinking and another for urinating... Well, if we're lucky Robert DeNiro will "fix" Blaine's plumbing. -> "I consider this to be the most difficult thing I'm ever going to do -> in my lifetime," he said. Wow! Not only is he going to do it, he's going to do it IN HIS OWN LIFETIME! That makes him so much better than those other magicians who do cool stuff after they're dead, or the ones who can pull rabbits out of hats before they or the rabbits are born. -> Blaine will be allowed to take diapers, a journal, some pens, lip balm, -> a pillow and a pad to lie on into the box. He said he currently weighs -> about 205 pounds and expects to lose about 45 pounds during the stunt. Okay, so he's bringing a little notepad, a few skinny pens, a tiny Chapstick, and a giant pile of diapers into his 44-day box. So I think we can guess how he's smuggling his food into the box. EWW! For 44 days, he's going to eat SECRET DIAPER BURGERS! I suppose they could be diaper peanut butter sandwiches, too, or anything else flat enough to fit into a folded-up diaper in a 44-day supply of Creepy-Looking Carny-Geek-Size Diapers. Diaper Pop Tarts, diaper bologna, diaper bacon, diaper funnel cake, even handfuls of diaper gummi bears. -- K. So let's see -- Harry Houdini: Promised he could escape from anything. David Blaine: Promised to wear diapers in public for a long time. Gee. I'd be more impressed if he could actually do a trick as snazzy as when Dick van Dyke made his thumb disappear. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Magician David "Diapers" Blaine Date: Tue, 02 Sep 2003 22:00:08 -0400 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Uh, yeah. 44 days without food. That's more implausible than > > That's the point. > You're not going sell a lot of tickets to: > > "Magician David Blaine holds his breath for ten seconds !!!" Okay, sure, you can go pay to see a guy pretending to do nothing for 44 days if you like that sort of nothing. Me, I say that his act -- even if it isn't an obvious fake -- makes him the SINGLE LEAST INTERESTING PERSON ON THE PLANET. Everyone else does stuff other than pooping in a glass box for 44 days. So far today... let's see... (Jack Palance voice) I woke up! And I brushed my teeth! With a... _toothbrush_! And then I rode the subway! Then, the subway went..