From:         James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups:   alt.religion.kibology
Subject:      I'm getting married... again!
Date:         Fri, 19 Sep 2003 03:03:21 -0400

I just thought I should break the news here before you read it in
the New York Times:  I'm getting married again, and this time, it's
to the pleasant and multi-talented Jennifer Lopez, best known as
the actress who plays "J.Lo" and was previously almost engaged to
Ben Affleck.  She's charming and witty and... OH HELL WITH IT, I CAN'T
KEEP THIS UP, I WAS LYING!  I WAS ABLE TO PRETEND I WAS MARRIED TO TV'S
TORPID AND ANGULAR CLAUDIA CHRISTIAN FOR YEARS, AND THEN I WAS ABLE TO
PRETEND I WAS MARRIED TO TV'S BLAND AND ANGULAR BARBARA BAIN FOR YEARS,
BUT I CAN'T STAND EVEN ANOTHER MINUTE OF PRETENDING I OR ANYONE ELSE
CARES ABOUT THE WORLD'S WORST ACTRESS AND WORLD'S WORST SINGER,
JENNIFER LOPEZ, WHOEVER SHE IS!

And yes, she's even less talented than _me_.  Haw haw!

So just to reiterate, I almost pretended to be married to Jennifer
Lopez, except that I couldn't because even thinking about her for
another second made half of my brain throw up all over the other half.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to stop pretending I'm married
and go back to pretending to be single.  Woo!  Hey ladies, I'm single!

                                                -- K.

                                                   P.S.  Dear TV news,
                                                   SHUT THE FUCK UP!
                                                   I wanted to hear about
                                                   new flavors of carbonated
                                                   milk, not Jennifer Lopez!