Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Apparently my local Usenet server is acting up... Date: Wed, 01 Oct 2003 05:16:57 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 17 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-6.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1064999815 31438 192.74.137.186 (1 Oct 2003 09:16:55 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 1 Oct 2003 09:16:55 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491770 It looks like none of the articles I've posted over the past 48 hours has shown up, even on the same server, so I'm going to repost about eight articles through a different server. With my luck, this means you'll see two copies of everything. If that happens, I just want you to know it is entirely not my fault that I seem repetitive. -- K. It looks like none of the articles I've posted over the past 48 hours has shown up, even on the same server, so I'm going to repost about eight articles through a different server. With my luck, this means you'll see two copies of everything. If that happens, I just want you to know it is entirely not my fault that I seem repetitive. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: A very important spelling lesson for everyone who isn't me Date: Wed, 01 Oct 2003 05:17:42 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 90 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-6.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1064999860 31438 192.74.137.186 (1 Oct 2003 09:17:40 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 1 Oct 2003 09:17:40 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491771 [reposted due to server problems] In case you haven't already seen the most important news story I'm going to quote today: -> -> Cops: Man Steals ID Of Sex Offender -> -> Alleged Fake ID Scam Backfires -> -> POSTED: 11:38 p.m. EDT September 26, 2003 -> -> CLINTON, Conn. -- A good rule of thumb for an identity thief is not -> to steal the name of someone whose reputation is worse than yours -- -> such as a sex offender. ...or a game show host. -> Police said James Perry stole the name and identity of a neighbor -> who turned out to be a convicted sex offender. Note that I spell my last name with an "a" just to ensure that this sort of thing can't happen. If any beloved television game show hosts want to steal my identity, they're going to be tripped up by the non-standard spelling of my name. Unless the United States is annexed by Wales, in which case I'll be stuck with the same name as two-thirds of everyone else. But until that happens, remember, my name has an "A" and you can't have it. Even if you're A.A. Milne, Chester A. Arthur, or Isaac Asimov, you can't have my "A", you have to have a different one. This is because "A" is not equal to "A" because one of them's on the previous line and the other's on this line even though "this line" isn't on any one line. Unless you count that "this line" as the "this line" that that means but that "that" doesn't modify the "that" that does that to that. -> Perry stole the identity of Robert Kowalski in order to obtain a -> driver's license, police said. Perry was living in Florida at the -> time and Kowalski was his neighbor. -> -> Perry had four drunken driving arrests which he believed would make -> it difficult to get a license legally in Connecticut, police said. He should move to Massachusetts. Here the difficulty of getting a license has nothing to do with how many drunk driving arrests you have. It's just arbitrary. "What? Your height is an odd number of inches? You'll have to come back on Saturday the 39th at 27:95pm because we're only serving people whose heights end in 0, 2, 4, 6, 8, and especially 10." -> Perry moved to Connecticut about a year ago and things went well -> until Perry was arrested for disorderly conduct. -> -> A routine computer check found that "Kowalski" was a convicted sex -> offender in Michigan and not registered as required with the state -> of Connecticut. -> -> Every bit of identification in his possession labeled the suspect -> as "Kowalski," but man himself was adamant that he was not a -> convicted sex offender, police said. Well, that's better than those people who are uncertain whether or not they're a convicted sex offender. -> Finally, a check of his fingerprints revealed "Kowalski" to be -> James Perry. "Damn fingerprints! I wish the things were never invented!" I always wonder if cutting off both my arms would make a crime spree easier enough to get away with that it would offset the difficulty of having to pick up the loot with my toes. -> Perry was released from Superior Court in Middletown Thursday on a -> promise to appear for his next court date Oct. 10 on charges of -> criminal impersonation, with charges of identity theft and forgery. -> -> Copyright 2003 by The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This -> material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or -> redistributed. I didn't do it. Some other guy did it. His name is Pames Jerry and he lives at 1234567 Fake Street in Anaheim. If you don't believe me, you can call him at KL5-5555. -- K. After 6pm, KL5-49. (Cut to basset hound not reacting) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: The "Do Not Call" list: It's all a big ol' conspiracy! Date: Wed, 01 Oct 2003 05:18:28 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 43 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-6.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1064999905 31438 192.74.137.186 (1 Oct 2003 09:18:25 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 1 Oct 2003 09:18:25 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491772 [reposted due to server problems] So -- because of all the recent media coverage over whether people like AT&T have the Constitutional right to annoy you as much as they want -- I was looking at the Federal Trade Commission's "Do Not Call" Web site (www.donotcall.gov), and I noticed this code on the page: Mm-hmm. It's one of those invisible, single-pixel "Web bugs" that's used for collecting statistics on who's visiting how often, and so on. But what's interesting about this is that it's an offsite one, where the statistics get collected by this other site, at aens.net. Guess who aens.net is. HINT: Their business consists 50% of phoning you at home during dinner, and 50% of selling phone service to other people who call you up at home during dinner. In fact, I may have even mentioned them in the first line of this article. Visit www.aens.net, or do a 'whois' lookup, to find out who aens.net is. (The "A" stands for another acronym, because I guess they couldn't figure out how to register a domain name with an ampersand in it.) Does anyone else think it's highly questionable for the "Do Not Call" list's Web site to be clandestinely providing visitor-tracking data to a phone company? I think this is proof of what James Coburn and Lily Tomlin have been trying to warn us about for forty years -- AT&T has taken over the United States government. Sure, AT&T tried to reassure us by changing their Death Star logo to pastel blue a couple years ago, but I'm onto them. Starting today, I no longer believe that AT&T is my best friend! No Christmas card for them! -- K. Also, in other news, I think Microsoft might not care about me as a person. And the Spice Girls look like they might be wearing makeup! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The "Do Not Call" list: It's all a big ol' conspiracy! Date: Wed, 01 Oct 2003 16:26:55 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 41 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-5.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065040016 22512 192.74.137.185 (1 Oct 2003 20:26:56 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 1 Oct 2003 20:26:56 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491832 Matthew Flaschen (superm40@comcast.net) wrote: > > Just in case anyone's really curious, AT&T was contracted to > administer the Do Not Call List. However, this doesn't give them the > right to call anyone on it. This probably explains the code however. Yeah, I know AT&T Government Services is the hosting provider for the FTC. But still, (a) the government shouldn't have put a list of names and numbers relating to regulation of phone company marketing in the care of a _phone company_, and (b) it doesn't explain the reference to aens.net, which is in a different IP address range (AT&T Enhanced Network Services) presumably outside the FTC's control, and (c) it doesn't explain why they'd need to clandestinely track visitors by logging hits to a second server. If the FTC wanted to know how many visitors they had to their site, they could just look at their server log. There's no reason to farm out some statistics to another server operated by a different branch of AT&T. Under what circumstances _could_ it be right to have this list designed to regulate phone companies being administrated by a phone company? (And not just a consortium of phone companies, but a single one -- think of the competitive advantage it could give AT&T to know in which regions this sort of thing is more popular or less popular, before the list is distributed to their competitors.) -- K. It's not like AT&T has ever tried to go counter to the government's wishes before, say in the period of 1974 to 1984 between the time the government started trying to break up AT&T's monopoly and the time they sort of succeeded... I think this is why nobody cares much about the failure to break up Microsoft. The lesson learned from AT&T is that this would just result in several evil companies which would pester the consumers even more. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: burning off warts Date: Wed, 01 Oct 2003 05:20:21 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 45 Message-ID: References: <618e71c0.0309262345.1b0e1915@posting.google.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-6.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065000019 1571 192.74.137.186 (1 Oct 2003 09:20:19 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 1 Oct 2003 09:20:19 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491773 [reposted due to server problems] In sci.med, Archimedes Plutonium (a_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I wore a pair of latex gloves for about 2 weeks Even while you were bathing? Or do you just not bathe? Or do you wear rubber gloves all day AND not bathe? > and it appears as > though > a wart sprung up as an aftermath. So this is one of those warts that goes "sproingggg!" and not one of the more ordinary ones that goes "poit!"? (NOTICE I AVOIDED MAKING THE OBVIOUS COMMENT ABOUT WHAT THE GIANT WART INSIDE YOUR RUBBER GLOVES REALLY IS. THIS IS BECAUSE I AM SENSITIVE TO YOUR FEELINGS EVEN IF YOU ARE A HUMAN WART.) > This is not the first time such a > thing has happened and I recall the last time it disappeared after > about > 4 or 5 months. Arch... that's the way warts often work. Can someone please get the King Of Science an encylopedia that goes all the way up to "W"? It might be hard to find one formatted the way he likes, with one word by itself every few lines, but anything would be an improvement over whatever he's been using, which predates the invention of the letter "W". > But I was wondering what the oldtimers did for warts. Since medical > attention was not widely available. I wonder if they heated a small > piece of iron and burned off the top of the wart? Just the opposite of > modern day practice of freezing off the wart. I think the best practice is to cover them up by wearing ten pairs of latex gloves at the same time. Then, if a gal can feel your pea-size wart through all the latex, marry her, assuming your kink is okay with her. -- K. Just don't let Don Saklad near your wedding cake. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: burning off warts Date: Wed, 01 Oct 2003 15:55:21 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 54 Message-ID: References: <618e71c0.0309262345.1b0e1915@posting.google.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-5.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065038122 558 192.74.137.185 (1 Oct 2003 19:55:22 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 1 Oct 2003 19:55:22 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491825 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > In sci.med, Archimedes Plutonium (a_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > But I was wondering what the oldtimers did for warts. > > I wish Kibo had mentioned straw, so I could say: > > Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts. Ooh, looks like fun, let me play: Baggy underpants? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on St. Nap red nuyg gab. Makes perfect sense if you assume that "nuyg" is some sort of magical word which not only means something but can make anything around it automatically become grammatical, a sort of "wild card" meme. So, for instance, while visiting Saint Nap's cathedral for a prayer siesta, you could say: "Elevator operators inside oranges with purple greens shan't Flintstones the roiling nougatplasm auto-indexing invisible Tetris the chimp." ...and it would make people think you were speaking in tongues because it makes no sense whatsoever, but if you said "Elevator operators inside oranges with purple greens shan't Flintstones the roiling nougatplasm auto-indexing invisible Tetris nuyg the chimp." ...it would be deeply meaningful, and they'd have that chimp arrested on this sound evidence. There's only one catch. You can't put "nuyg" in a sentence which already means something, or worse, in a sentence which already has another "nuyg", or you'll cause a conceptual overload, and the sentence will make everyone who hears it permanently lose eighty-four percent of their brain, unless you put all the "nuyg"s in that sentence in quotes, especially if it's dark on Tuesday, in which case, nuyg. Here's another example of how "nuyg" can make a broken palindrome okay: "Falun Dafa? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on a fad nulaf nuyg!" If it wasn't for "nuyg", we'd have no way of knowing that Falun Dafa was not just stupid, but _too_ stupid a fad! -- K. It's as dumb as that fad for straw! These kids today, what with their be-bop music and their straw... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: International contole rods useless Date: Wed, 01 Oct 2003 05:22:23 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 28 Message-ID: References: <7ce4e226.0309281133.639798a9@posting.google.com> <21219-3F776919-354@storefull-2157.public.lawson.webtv.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-6.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065000141 1571 192.74.137.186 (1 Oct 2003 09:22:21 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 1 Oct 2003 09:22:21 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491774 [reposted due to server problems] In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > they absorb the nurtons energy ,,,so cold ffusion would be like using > controle rods for fuel SO fill it with tommattoes or pancakes will do HU > ! > The fusion pancake self cooks ??? > Forget nuke fuel ,,,retards found a way to fision da fucking pancakes > !!! > It dont matter if the atoms are too far apart because some dumbfuck > dont know they are . > fuck off Ah! Nurtons! Earth humor, ahr ahr! I tip my tripla to your nurtons, doo-dah! Now if you'll excuse me I have to go use rays from my finger to fision da fucking pancakes! BEEEEEEEEP! Whoa, shazbot! Looks like my nurtons bit the big one! Nano-nano! Also, do you count your own tommattoes, or hire a proffessionnall bbookkeepperr? -- K. God bless "tj" for inventing a wonderful new nonsense word for our amusement. Kudos to "tj"'s nurtons, and nurtons to all! NURTONS R CCOOLL! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: John Lennon is Dead . Date: Wed, 01 Oct 2003 05:23:40 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 98 Message-ID: References: <1ecpwgf6gfhi2.dlg@__.Jeff.Relf> <13458-3F7A26D3-637@storefull-2155.public.lawson.webtv.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-6.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065000218 1571 192.74.137.186 (1 Oct 2003 09:23:38 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 1 Oct 2003 09:23:38 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491775 [reposted due to server problems] In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > 32 bill cash and 3 million acres at lumber and pulp value 70,000 per > acre plus. > Rockeffeler 251 bill and Im # 2 richest that ever lived and Im from > Cannada and besides > WHO cares what forbs says based on stocks. You have 32 billion? Well, that makes you pretty ri-- WAIT, you said you're Canadian? Oh. 32 billion CANADIAN dollars, that's not rich. 32 billion Canadian is equivalent to a tiny amount of real money; In fact, it's so small that Canada has a coin for it. The "boonie" is $32 billion, and you get them in change when you spend a "goonie" ($64 billion) or a "floonie" ($160 billion). They are equivalent to the American nickel, dime, and quarter. You're not rich until you get at least a "gazoonie", that's the one that has a picture of the Queen in silver with a hole drilled through her head and a smaller Queen sticking through her temples in gold with a smaller Queen impaled on that one in platinum. Also, every gazoonie comes with a free slice of pizza from Pizza Pizza, and can be redeemed at any Ottawa-area Pizza Pizza except the one at the Corel Centre. Just because you paid several gazoonies for an Air Canada Club seat at the Senators game, that doesn't entitle you to a free slice of pizza without driving back towards civilization. > I dont sell stocks . > I dont mean the bettles I mean the micro boys. What's your favorite Bettles song? I like "Yallo Sumbareen" and "She Luvs U Yaeh Yhea Yahe" and "All U Loev Is Knead" and "Opps I Did It Agen". (You know, if you were Chaim Topol, Ming The Merciless would have destroyed the Earth by now.) > Paul allen ,,hell ,,simberg was in here yesterday > from nasa and a few boat boys are in here now. malone is in here ,,now > and then . > Uncle Al once told Bill he wasa moron..LOL > A china man in texas is the second richest man alive with 170 billion > easy. I think even malone is richer than bill gates. That's because his stupid bar charges so much for a burger and a beer just because the bar inspired part of the design of the set of a highly unrealistic sitcom. > I live on rattle snake island in lake eire . > I dumped a billion into cleveland. > I bought 600,000 acres in the amazon this year. > Dose Fraser ring any bells ?? Yes: DING-A-LING! DING-A-LING! DING-A-LING! > try nexfor....nexus ,,,fraser . > type fraser billionaire in google . > WHO owns M and M ? Bernard Lee and Judi Dench? > Forbs wount show the real top 10 because they dont know. The China > dragon lives in texas ! He spent 100 million on his garden. > I spent 250 million on my deckhouse. Did you use all 52 cards before it fell down? > IF and i do all the time ,,,show people how to make millions from dirt > poor ,,its easyer than finding a job I bet. > YOU live where 1 million bucks a mile is on the beach Pulp Prices by > Grade/ton > Address:http://www.paperage.com/foex_pulp2.html Changed:8:57 AM on > Tuesday, September 30, 2003 > Nope. Pulp is only 10c. It says so on the DVD cover, right above whats-her-name's fake Betty Page hairdo. Incidentally, if you drive a little too far for that slice of pizza, it won't be "cheese pizza", it'll be "pizza fromage", 'cause in Quebec they use the Metric system. You don't know what you're gettin'! -- K. I do actually own a DVD of "Fiction Pulpeuse". It's just like the American one except you can remove the card from under the clear plastic and flip it over to make the box speak French. I haven't listened to the French audio track so I don't know if they replaced the McDonalds speech with Pizza Hut to continue the "Demolition Man" tradition of assuming that things have to be changed to pizza to make French people understand them. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: John Lennon is Dead . Date: Fri, 03 Oct 2003 00:11:54 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 77 Message-ID: References: <1ecpwgf6gfhi2.dlg@__.Jeff.Relf> <13458-3F7A26D3-637@storefull-2155.public.lawson.webtv.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-4.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065154316 13968 192.74.137.184 (3 Oct 2003 04:11:56 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 3 Oct 2003 04:11:56 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491977 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > In sci.physics, "tj Frazir" (GravityPhysics@webtv.net) wrote: > > > > I dont sell stocks . > > I dont mean the bettles I mean the micro boys. > > What's going to happen when tj hears about how Paul McCartney died way > back in 1966 and was replaced by a Canadian military policeman named > William Sheppard? Yeah, but now that you've blown his cover, he'll have to erase his identity and be known as "Blank Reg", driving around in a pink van providing free pirated music to all. > I was skeptical until I found an analysis with FULL > LEGAL VALUE: > > http://digilander.libero.it/p_truth/ I'm deep underground at the moment, so I can't http: over to Italy to see whatever ptruths are at this psecret psite. I'll just close my eyes and imagine Ennio Morricone music playing as a curvaceous female secret agent in a tight black leather catsuit with gold pinstripes and giant shoulders seduces Paul McCartney into admitting he's really dead and then they have sex in a giant goldfish bowl with millions of dollars in play money floating in it and the soundtrack is a chorus going ba-bappa-ba, ba-bappa-ba, ba-bappa-ba... (Incidentally, if you like that genre of ultra-mod French-Hyphen-Italian movies such "Barbarella" and "Danger: Diabolik", I highly recommend Roman Coppola's "CQ", an obscure recent film about someone attempting to make another one of those films in 1969. And they even hired John Philip Law to play The Chairman Of Earth!) > I'm not sure if that legal value is valued in Canadian Legal Dollars > or some more realistic unit of legality though. Caveat emptor in all > Trajan caps! I've always thought that that should be printed on American Legal Dollars instead of "Novus Ordo Seclorum", "E Pluribus Unum", and "666". Kurt Vonnegut is famous for observing that American currency has lots of nonsense words on it, and this subject even came up on my TV last night: Martian Barry Morse explaining American currency to Martian Carroll O'Connor: "It's an ancient language. They use it to impress each other." That's from one of the few original "Outer Limits" episodes which isn't very good; The plot consists of Barry Morse having a device which can play a film clip backwards and forwards at different speeds. It's hard for people my age to imagine that this was ever considered a new and freaky thing in the olden days, let alone as recently as when these episodes were made in the 1960s. The whole episode consists of Barry Morse and Carroll O'Connor watching Grace Lee Whitney shoot her boyfriend forwards, backwards, in slow-motion, and in fast-motion, but at least like most "Outer Limits" episodes it still has clever writing and great acting. Where were we? Oh yes. So Paul McCartney shot Matt Frewer, and because Barry Morse was tampering with one of his "Space: 1999" gadgets, it caused Matt Frewer to jump back and forth in time so he got all stuttery, but then Ennio Morricone's "Spazio: 1999" music started playing instead of Barry Gray's "Space: 1999" music, and Barry Morse and Barry Gray had to face each other in gladiatorial combat in a giant fishbowl filled with play money. -- K. If "Caveat emptor" won't fit, they could just print "Cave canem" on the money, in order to fool people into thinking it's priceless Flintstones cave-money! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm getting married... again! Date: Wed, 01 Oct 2003 05:26:14 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 25 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-6.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065000371 1571 192.74.137.186 (1 Oct 2003 09:26:11 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 1 Oct 2003 09:26:11 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491776 [reposted due to server problems] Last week, "roger n. tospott" (^*&#$@ennui.org) wrote: > > My god... Kibo's pretending to be Ben Affleck. It's a desperate cry > for help! INTERVENTION!!! Ben Affleck? Oops. I wanted to be Jack Black, 'cause he's got two K's in his name, which makes him funny, but apparently I picked the wrong number out of the catalog, BK7164 instead of BK7614, and I almost became Ben Affleck for a day. Also, I was only pretending to be pretending to almost be married to Jennifer Lopez. However, I might be pretending I wasn't only pretending to be pretending to be pretending to be married to Jennifer Lopez. My head hurts. What time does this bus get to Gnezdovo? -- K. Short shameful confession: I can't even tell Ben Affleck and Matt Damon apart. I am missing the brain lobe which lets people recognize the bland. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm getting married... again! Date: Wed, 01 Oct 2003 05:26:35 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 62 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-6.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065000392 1571 192.74.137.186 (1 Oct 2003 09:26:32 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 1 Oct 2003 09:26:32 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491777 [reposted due to server problems] The Avocado Avenger (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > CARES ABOUT THE WORLD'S WORST ACTRESS AND WORLD'S WORST SINGER, > > JENNIFER LOPEZ, WHOEVER SHE IS! > > The world's most annoying celebrity. She must be paying megabux for the > PR, though - who else with a size 6 ass can get publicity about having a > huge butt? Please. How do they measure ass size? Is it with some extra-big Brannock device? (A "Brannock device" is that weirdly-shaped cast-metal thing with the slider they use on your feet at the shoe store. It always looks like the sort of relish tray your grandma would use to keep the sweet relish from touching the semi-sweet relish while being able to carry two types of relish around the house at one time in order to provide a choice of relishes in the attic or basement during any relish emergency.) > Anyhow, I will marry the first man to agree with me that the Jennifer > Lopez video they show on Noggin ad nauseum is so stupid it creates a > vacuum of stupid with a big stupid sign flashing "STUPID" in a retro > swirly hypnotizey stupid font designed by Dr Stupid, Medicine Woman. So, Noggin shows nothing but huge-fanny videos? Does that mean there's a channel named "Butt" where they just show that clip of David McCallum with a giant head from the "Outer Limits" episode "The Sixth Finger"? > > P.S. Dear TV news, > > SHUT THE FUCK UP! > > OOh. Good luck with that, Kibo. Well, NBC's signal vanished while I was typing this, but "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" was three minutes from over, so all I missed was most of the performance by whatever lame garage band got to close his show tonight. I like how not only is Conan O'Brien's house band really great, but he makes that obvious by having crappy guest bands at the end of every single episode. Maybe if I had written this article a few hours earlier I could have taken out the eleven o'clock news, except I was actually watching the news today to see if I was on it, which I wasn't, because I didn't do anything. Also I didn't get caught for the stuff I didn't do. And I can prove it by showing the jury a tape of the news with me not on it! -- K. I bet the font you described is in use somewhere at every science museum worldwide, because all science museums think that "science" and "hippies" are synonymous. Boston's has all sorts of groovy psychedelic lettering, except for the "Mathematica" exhibit which was designed with IBM's money and therefore conveys the hideous sterility and tediousness of all math. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm getting married... again! Date: Wed, 01 Oct 2003 15:42:26 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 43 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-5.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065037348 32526 192.74.137.185 (1 Oct 2003 19:42:27 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 1 Oct 2003 19:42:27 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491824 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (A "Brannock device" is that weirdly-shaped cast-metal thing with the > > slider they use on your feet at the shoe store. It always looks like > > the sort of relish tray your grandma would use to keep the sweet relish > > from touching the semi-sweet relish while being able to carry two > > types of relish around the house at one time in order to provide > > a choice of relishes in the attic or basement during any relish > > emergency.) > > Damn! Just when I'd figured out the difficulty rating of the Brannock > device, along comes Kibo and explains it, and now I have to figure out > the difficulty rating all over again, starting with whether it's now > LESS difficult or MORE. It depends on how much your grandma loves her relish. > All I know is, the Brannock device is at least 1.5 points less > difficult in Syracuse than anywhere else. Lots of other things are less difficult in ancient Greece. That's why those Pericles helmets have so much empty space at the top -- so their brains could expand into them if they had some sort of brilliant Archimedean insight. But then along came Herodotus and confused them with his wacky stories about giant gold-digging ants chasing camels, and Aristotle told them that women had fewer teeth than men, and the Greeks' heads withered and that's why when Hero invented the perpetually-drinking bird and all the beer tap hovering in mid-air, the Romans didn't take his inventions seriously, and you can tell that because archeologists haven't discovered any Spencer Gifts shops from that era. The poor guy invented 3-D TV filled with tiny robots powered by a pattern of cereal falling on the floor, and yet he didn't get any respect because everyone knew Greeks were stupid. -- K. But that's not the real reason they threw the Antikythera Device into the ocean. It's because they wanted to see time fly, and they wanted to bother Richard Feynman. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I'm getting married... again! Date: Thu, 02 Oct 2003 01:57:11 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 35 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-4.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065074232 10040 192.74.137.184 (2 Oct 2003 05:57:12 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 2 Oct 2003 05:57:12 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491883 Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Rich Holmes (rsholmes+usenet@mailbox.syr.edu) wrote: > > > > > > All I know is, the Brannock device is at least 1.5 points less > > > difficult in Syracuse than anywhere else. > > > > Lots of other things are less difficult in ancient Greece. > > MUST -- NOT -- RESPOND -- TO -- BLATANT -- TROLL... > > Aw hell. > > SYRACUSE IS IN PERSIA, NOT GREECE, YOU PUKEY STUPID. No it isn't. It's in upstate New York. That's where Cornell is! It's right next to Utica, which was the ancient name for Troy, a city made famous for the Battle Of Thiotimoline, where 300 Persians massacred 20,000 Spartans, which is why the U.S.C. basketball team still wears giant red scrub brushes on top of their basketball helmets. DUH-HUH! -- K. I liked the scene where Utica stopped Anton Chekov's pain by rubbing her bald head against him, but then after the third movie they renamed her character to "John-Boy Picard". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Good quote from a book I am reading Date: Wed, 01 Oct 2003 05:27:14 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 46 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-6.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065000432 1571 192.74.137.186 (1 Oct 2003 09:27:12 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 1 Oct 2003 09:27:12 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491778 [reposted due to server problems] Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > Tim Chmielewski (usenetspamtrap@timchuma.com) wrote: > > > > The book is "Elbert Hubbard's Scrap Book", but I don't think it has been > > published for a few decades now. > > Elbert Hubbard was the ______________ of the Gilded Age. Tony Robbins? > Isaac Asimov? Norman Vincent Peale? Martha Stuart? Something like that. You > decide. Paul Harvey. The two neat facts about him are (a) if he had spelled his name "L. Bert Hubbard" he could have accidentally made a fortune when stupid people sent their money to the wrong guy, and (b) know the "100% Colombian Coffee" logo that appears on coffee packages with the little picture of that imaginary Juan Valdez guy and his probably-imaginary mule? That's Elbert Hubbard's fault. You see, Elbert Hubbard's writings were so popular in the olden days, that he decided that for his publishing empire (Roycroft Press) he should pay to have a custom typeface designed to give all the Roycroft products the same faux-antique look. So he hired American Type Founders (in Boston) to design a lumpy typeface for him, which was sold under the names "Roycroft" and also "Buddy". Decades later, when the International Typeface Company was founded (circa 1970), their original library was padded out with a few clones of old metal fonts, and one of those, "ITC Gorilla", was "Roycroft" under a third name. The official design specs for the "100% Colombian Coffee" logo specify that it must only be typeset in that font (and yes, I have indeed read about what you are and are not allowed to do with that little cartoon of Juan freakin' Valdez.) And NOW you KNOW the REST of THE sto RY! -- K. As to why the faux-antique font is named "Buddy" and "Gorilla", I don't know. Neither is one of those euphonious typeface names like "Fupper Fono". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Good quote from a book I am reading Date: Wed, 01 Oct 2003 16:11:10 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 37 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-5.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065039073 28790 192.74.137.185 (1 Oct 2003 20:11:13 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 1 Oct 2003 20:11:13 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491826 [concerning Elbert Hubbard's private font] Tim Chmielewski (usenetspamtrap@timchuma.com) wrote: > > Here's a sample of the book if you want to confirm the fonts (633kb, JPG) > http://www.timchuma.com/photos/kibology/beestory.jpg That's ATF's Bookman (or its predecessor, Antique Oldstyle) with Fred Goudy's ATF Cushing Oldstyle Italic being used in place of the italics (because Bookman didn't have a true italic, just a sloped roman probably drawn by Benton's Delineator machine.) Cushing was a publisher in Massachusetts who commissioned several typefaces from ATF, and the one that looks like a condensed Bookman is the one Fred Goudy drew the italics for, although at least one biography of Goudy mistakenly shows an earlier Cushing typeface.) However, the backwards line at the very top faintly showing through from the back of the page is the Buddy/Roycroft/Gorilla/Juan Valdez font. Next time you scan me something, don't make me use my X-ray vision to see the good part. Hubbard's unique approach to typographical spacing is evident here, what with lines being padded out with spaces inserted after most of the opening quote marks (but not before the closing ones) and with one line tightened up by removing the spaces in "againstHim" and "Providence.We". Looks like someone was too lazy to use thin spaces, and didn't read the part of the catalog that had ATF's "Self-Spacing" Bookman. -- K. However, despite saving the bee, seconds later Elbert Hubbard caused a volcano to erupt. He must've been screwing his sister. That's why there's no statue of him at Brown University. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Good quote from a book I am reading Date: Fri, 03 Oct 2003 00:14:04 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 84 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-4.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065154444 13968 192.74.137.184 (3 Oct 2003 04:14:04 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 3 Oct 2003 04:14:04 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491979 (Concerning curly old fonts, such as ATF Bookman) Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > [...] my least favorite typographical activity among amateurs is > putting things in all caps using a swash cap font. What I really hate is when some 1970s photo-lettering company would take a random font, let's say Helvetica, and then doodle on the film for thirty seconds to turn it into a swash font. So you'd get these perfectly straight-sided characters with awkwardly mismatched, lumpily- drawn curlicues stuck on them, such as Meola Bookman, Helvetican Flair, and so forth. Then people would use those bumpy swashes in all caps just to annoy both of us. And I'm not kidding, there really was a knockoff of Helvetica with curly deedlee balls tied to every letter. Letters with awkward lumpy parts added by amateurs are painful to look at. It's like that DaVinci sketch of the Mona Lisa where some other idiot thought she'd be improved if she were holding a giant quill pen drawn in the wrong color of ink. (And that's why that picture went to Glens Falls instead of the Louvre.) As to why people typeset things in all-caps with all swashes, we probably have to blame that on Hermann Zapf's design of ITC Zapf Chancery which was done with the intent of making that sort of horror possible (the swashes are designed not to collide very much) and then Adobe's decision to make it one of the standard PostScript "core" fonts and Adobe supplied people with _only_ the swash caps and not any of the other ones Zapf drew. Because this was the only script font in most PostScript laser printers during the desktop-publishing revolution (late 1980s, early 1990s), the dearth of fonts caused all those core fonts to be overused (Helvetica, Times, Palatino, etc.) but none more so than ITC Zapf Chancery Medium Italic With Swash Caps. I've often wondered if Zapf is ashamed of that font being so popular, especially in this bastardized version. He's done some of the greatest calligraphy of all time, but one of his best-known works is this blocky, angular, chubby script font. (It was apparently designed at the instigation of Photo-Lettering Inc.'s Ed Rondthaler, which is why it became one of ITC's early releases, getting back to the story about why Elbert Hubbard's private font became ITC Gorilla. I don't know how much of the design was actually Rondthaler's versus Zapf's.) In my view, any time ITC Zapf Chancery is used in all caps, you can make it look better in caps-and-lowers, and you can make it look best by replacing it with one of Zapf's good calligraphic scripts, such as Palatino Italic (note how similar it is to ITC Zapf Chancery, but without the blockiness) or Medici Script or Zapfino or pretty much anything else. Monotype's "space-alike" knockoff done for Microsoft, Monotype Corsiva, is also a better design than the ITC Zapf Chancery it was intended to emulate, as they based the style on Cancellaresca Bastarda (by Giovanni Mardersteig, if memory serves.) Heck, even Futura Demibold Script is more fluid than ITC Zapf Chancery. After ITC Zapf Chancery with its "all-caps-permitted" swashes became ubiquitous, people started designing other fonts to be used the same way. But of course the true sign of typographic ineptness is when someone uses a script or blackletter font which _wasn't_ designed that way in all caps, and either the letters scribble all over each other or they have big gaps between them filled with loop-de-loops. Florid caps are designed to be followed by lowercase and only lowercase; Plain caps can be used in all-caps (although you should loosen the letterspacing a little compared to how they'd be set with lowercase.) I once designed some "Bad Typography Bingo" cards where one of the spaces was "SwashLock", anything where letters have overlapping swashes. I never posted them because it just didn't seem like the game was any fun, the cards took the spontaneity out of travelling around mocking other people's signage. (If you need props to help you mock stuff, you're not really qualified.) -- K. So how do you feel about the overuse of those weird ITC Avant Garde Gothic ligatures in the 1970s? There were three cliche's in book cover design in the 1970s: Bookman with lots of swashes, ITC Avant Garde Gothic with lots of ligatures, and the "Chariots Of The Gods" look with condensed slab-serifs with enormous shadows. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Teenagers... Date: Wed, 01 Oct 2003 05:31:03 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 166 Message-ID: References: <3F68825C.7020401@hotmail.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-6.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065000663 1571 192.74.137.186 (1 Oct 2003 09:31:03 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 1 Oct 2003 09:31:03 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491780 [reposted due to server problems, and me accidentally pushing the "mail it but don't post it" button the first time so that Mark Hill was the only person to enjoy this masterpiece] Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > "swt" (swt2@cox.net) wrote: > > > > [ There are an estimated 1.2 people who will get the joke in that > > last paragraph. My friend claims that the writers for Frasier > > refer to obscure jokes as the 'Ten Percent Jokes', meaning only ten > > percent of the audience will 'get' them. I think ark should come with > > an APPLAUSE sign, a LAUGH sign, and a TEN PERCENT JOKE sign. Of > > course, even the lighting of the TEN PERCENT JOKE sign is a good > > reason to light up the TEN PERCENT JOKE sign, so it might get stuck > > in the on position and burn out. ] > > Kibo is... > > the guy who gets the 0.000000001% jokes. That's right. I get at least 0.000000001% of every joke. Sometimes I even make 0.000000001% of a joke. (Oddly, making 0.000000001% of a joke in bad taste can make people madder at me than if I made a whole joke in good taste.) I don't usually classify obscure pop-culture references by percentages. They are best measured with my Degree Of Difficulty scale, which is like "warp factors" on classic "Star Trek" in that it's an exponential scale, and like "warp factors" on modern "Star Trek" in that 10.0 represents infinite difficulty, also known as "The McIrvin Limit" in honor of the first person to mathematically prove that it was impossible for even him to understand me. It's like the Mohs Hardness Scale except it doesn't measure hardness, it measures difficulty. Here are some examples of various people, places, and things I might mention around here, and their degrees of difficulty: Kibo 1.0 (because presumably all of you know I'm me) George W. Bush 2.0 (current President of a country with nukes) Fonzie 3.0 (most beloved TV character of all time) Henry Winkler 4.0 (some obscure Shakespearean actor) Charles Nelson Reilly 5.0 (Broadway theater director, "Match Game" panelist, and a guy who sold Bic disposable pens while dressed as a gay banana) Vercingetorix 6.0 (died slowly in Julius Caesar's dungeon, and was played by Christopher Lambert in a movie where Klaus Maria Brandauer was drunker thank any other actor has ever been, including the entire cast of "ElectraWoman & DynaGirl") Dora Lee Hall 7.0 (her unlistenable vanity albums were sold on the back of the box of Solo plastic cups in the 1970s) Linn-Boyd Benton 8.0 (invented the pantograph punch-cutting machine and father of Morris F. Benton, most influential typeface designer of the 20th century) Zondar The Big 9.0 (mentioned in passing in a "National Lampoon" article in an issue published after people stopped caring about that magazine even though it had added lots of nude photos) Ath Ith 9.5 (a name a guy I knew in college once said he found on a list of names when he worked as a telemarketer) Anakhieqi 9.9 (the person who was represented by the 7,347th "eye idol" found in The Temple Of The Eyes at Agatha Christie's husband's 1937 excavation of the 5600-year-old Tell Brak site in Syria) By calibrating everything else to that list, you can quickly estimate that, for instance, Pulgasari must be about 6.0, and therefore he would score 5.9 or 6.1 if Communist movie monsters are more or less obscure than some guy who was just like "Asterix" only even less funny. The question would hinge on whether this particular Communist movie monster was more like a gay soft-shoe-dancing banana or a woman who thought she had musical talent because she was married to someone who owned a machine that could crap out plastic coffee cups which couldn't stand up on their own unless you bought the plastic cup holder, sold separately. For homework, compute the degrees of difficulty to these references, and show your work: Mr. Spock Wesley Crusher Wil Wheaton The Frito Bandito Burlap doors Ben Franklin Ben Franklin, nude Ben Franklin, nude, behind a burlap door That college student who got her picture on the "Golden Dollar" coin because nobody knows what Sacagawea looked like Zymurgy as a concept other than a Scrabble word Dan Rather Dan Rather's medication Dan Rather's medication's medication The smell of vaporized aluminum foil Yogi Bear doing stuff Yogi Bear not doing stuff A Brannock device Jack Palance saying "AHRRRRR!!!" Jack Palance saying "AHRRRRR!!!" while standing directly beneath a sign saying "HE IS QUOTING HIS BEST LINE FROM THE MOVIE 'SOLAR CRISIS'" Holly Palance as Lois Lane Agfa's anti-product-placement in "One Hour Photo" Santa Claus Mike Bent, Boy Scientist The Very Hungry Caterpillar "Toynbee Ideas in Kubrick's '2001' Resurrect Dead on Planet Jupiter" Arglo Also, I may have made up the name of the 7,347th eye idol, but it'll be damn hard for you to disprove my claim, because you'd have to be above 9.9 to do so. So even if you could disprove it, nobody would understand you. This means that if anyone ever comes up to you and says "Geeble woxwox flurp inkle slunch puh bazpacho," they might be speaking total nonsense, or they might be disproving everything I ever said, and you have no way of telling the difference. -- K. What I really like doing is estimating the degree of difficulty for references to events that never happened. For instance, if Bob Hope returned from the dead and had Jesus powers and used them to cancel all TV programs except reruns of a special he aired in 1973, that would be degree of difficulty 1.7, because most of you would find out about the ruination of television and religion at the same time. But if Charles Nelson Reilly ate some dry toast, that would be degree of difficulty 8.7, unless you happen to be his butler or toaster repairman. The question is, if the two events happened at the same time in the same place, what would be the degree of difficulty of a reference to Bob "Jesus" Hope transubstantiating himself into Charles Nelson Reilly's dull breakfast? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: A Single Penny Date: Thu, 02 Oct 2003 01:46:56 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 75 Message-ID: References: <1g26bgp.kffye01k1kgayN%yoof@jwgh.org> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-4.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065073617 5289 192.74.137.184 (2 Oct 2003 05:46:57 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 2 Oct 2003 05:46:57 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491881 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > [...] > > A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for > the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies > before! What was the point of this? > > "Look at it." he said. "What do you see." She read the words "United > States of America." > > "No, not that; keep looking." > > "One cent?" "No, keep looking." > > "In God we Trust?" "No," "What?" > > "You see that picture of a harmonica on the back? I made my first dime > playing the harmonica in the red light district, and I make millions > this very day from my harmonica plants in China. This harmonica is > found on every single American penny, and yet nobody notices! Who am I > --" > > Arlene looked puzzled. "Harmonica? You mean the picture of the Lincoln > Memorial?" > > Now it was the man's turn to look puzzled. A frown creased his face. > "Memorial? What are you talking about?" At her urging, he examined the > penny with a magnifying glass and verified that the little statue of > Lincoln was visible inside the Memorial. > > A week later, the man had Arlene and her entire family whacked. If > you're reading this, it means he finally got me too. If Rod Serling wrote glurge, you'd be him. Then you'd see yourself in the mirror and there would be a scary music sting! Then you'd fall out a window or something to wrap up the story really fast and the camera would pan over to a handsome, well-dressed man named B. E. Elzebub smiling as he flips a penny at the end of this episode, "A Penny's Worth Of Evil!" Short shameful confession: You know those people who walk up to you on the street and tell you a made-up (usually somewhat implausible) sob story about how they need an extra ten dollars to hire someone to come out and get their car keys out of the sewer grate or whatever because they have three kids and believe in God? I enjoy playing along with those people even though I know they're usually scammers, because I get entertainment out of watching poorly-thought-out minor scams (it's like if "Mission: Impossible" were written by the people from "Space: 1999" and starred those bad actors from "Space: 1999"!) so this week when a guy in a business suit (carrying his jacket draped over his shoulder on a hot day) told me he needed $13.50 to get his car's flat tire repaired because he had two kids (and was carrying his jacket because he didn't think of leaving it in his imaginary car) and couldn't leave his cell phone with the garage as collateral and had two kids, I thought he looked like a relatively nice guy as scammers go so I gave him $20 and then he decided he was saying "$30.50" and I was mis-hearing "13.50" so I gave him a second $20 and he started giving me the usual speech about how he wanted my address so I could pay him back and I told him not to because I was giving him the money because he REALLY NEEDED IT, and this pained look crossed his face like he was about to cry and got all freaked out by the fact that I just gave him $40 and he started explaining to me that it was all a scam and I told him he could keep the money and I think I blew his mind. Sure, $40's a lot a money for me to part with, but I only do this once in a while, but it was great to finally see one of these people's scams crumble under the unrelenting pressure of Unconditional Niceness, and beside, I got to write that really long sentence about it. And that is how I out-glurged a professional scammer. -- K. Also, now I don't have to give anyone any more money for the next six months. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: A Single Penny Date: Thu, 09 Oct 2003 22:02:23 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 41 Message-ID: References: <1g26bgp.kffye01k1kgayN%yoof@jwgh.org> <3F818BA0.24B386C2@bestweb.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-1.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065751348 18242 192.74.137.181 (10 Oct 2003 02:02:28 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 10 Oct 2003 02:02:28 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492686 alt.fan.beable:67797 [concerning those mean vegetarians being cruel to plants by eating them] Paddy Smith (pjsmith40@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > > > Surely there are some other > > > kingdoms of food besides plants and animals. > > > > Mushrooms, smut, and Marmite. > > Yay! The day of Quorn is come! Kibo will have to repent of his merciless > ribbing of hair-fungus-based foodstuffs now! It's the only truly > cruelty-free food there is. Well, it's cruelty-free as long as you don't feed it to anyone you care about. If you really love them, you wouldn't force them to eat food that was originally intended to be eaten only by nematodes. And smut definitely involves cruelty, especially to the people who have to eat the birthday cake afterwards, even if it's one of those videos that has a guy farting on an all-Quorn cake. You know, the sad thing about the Internet is that there's a 99% chance someone somewhere is reading this and thinking, "Wow, cool, a newsgroup just for people who like talking about people who like farting on Quorn!" -- K. The other 1% chance is that farting on Quorn is irrelevant because it's all already secretly farted on at the factory. Then, weirdos would only get turned on by the idea of finding some fantasy Quorn that hasn't been farted on. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick Subject: Re: A Single Penny Date: Tue, 07 Oct 2003 21:36:13 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 32 Message-ID: References: <1g26bgp.kffye01k1kgayN%yoof@jwgh.org> <3F818BA0.24B386C2@bestweb.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-8.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065576970 28488 192.74.137.188 (8 Oct 2003 01:36:10 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 8 Oct 2003 01:36:10 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492444 Glenn Knickerbocker (notr@bestweb.net) wrote: > > I have a vegan friend who won't even eat HONEY because it's the product > of "animal slavery." I see, so, if we pinned little American flags on all the bees to make sure that they realize they're free, your friend would enjoy eating bug shit? Maybe you should point out that even when your friend is eating a bowl of raw millet or whatever that the vegetables and grains they're eating had to be harvested by HUMAN ANIMALS who are slaves to their crops! And whenever they're drinking water, it's water FISH could have been swimming in if they weren't drinking it! By drinking that glass of water, they caused the ocean to be eight ounces smaller, making all the little fishies feel cramped and penned in! Just like we took away 99.999% of the land the American Indians owned, your friend is taking away 0.00000000000001% of the water the fish want to cavort in! -- K. Speaking of honey-style goo: I just bought a tube of epoxy (well, two tubes of half of epoxy, actually) in a box marked "MOLECULAR CONNECTER" (yes, spelled that way.) I would like to know if there are any consumer products which can't be advertised as having molecules that might sometimes be touching each other. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Child Abuse Date: Thu, 02 Oct 2003 02:10:36 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 45 Message-ID: References: <1g268fy.7gzaj61e7pjv6N%mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-4.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065075037 8909 192.74.137.184 (2 Oct 2003 06:10:37 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 2 Oct 2003 06:10:37 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491885 Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > There is a boy on Mimi's swim team named Jihad. He was born before > 9/11/2001, but his parents have obviously kept calling him that even > after the fact. What's wrong with that? I'd think that it would be really cool for him to hear his name on al-Jazeera all the time! The only problem is that every time he fills out a Web form asking for a catalog to be mailed to "Jihad", the catalog will arrive with "G. Had" printed on it, because the entire business world is run by people who cannot figure out how to get text from Microsoft Outlook into Microsoft Excel without randomly deforming it. And the name would be even easier for people to respell if he had a middle name and a last name like "Jihad Ghod Gzus". The real child abuse here is that the parents are making the kids swim in that public pool filled with public pee. -- K. How come Conan O'Brien never brings on the guys who make fun of his name any more? I always wanted them to do "Hey Conan, where's your ability to learn simplified T-mazes through cannibalism?... Conan The Planarian!" "Hey Conan, where's your secret Twinkie stash?... Conan The Breatharian!" Unfortunately, I think "Weird" Al Yankovic already called dibs on "Hey Conan, where's your Don Saklad?... Conan The Rare Books Curator!" Wait, I think I messed that one up. That's why I'll never be "Weird". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Child Abuse Date: Thu, 02 Oct 2003 02:33:53 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 49 Message-ID: References: <1g268fy.7gzaj61e7pjv6N%mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-4.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065076435 10431 192.74.137.184 (2 Oct 2003 06:33:55 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 2 Oct 2003 06:33:55 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491886 Kenton Cernea (bluethree@bluethree.us) wrote: > > Paula (mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent) wrote: > > > > There is a boy on Mimi's swim team named Jihad. He was born before > > 9/11/2001, but his parents have obviously kept calling him that even > > after the fact. > > It is now your obligation as a PATRIOTIC GOD-FEARING AMERICAN to > change Mimi's name to Crusade. You DO love America and apple pie and > Little Baby Jesus, DON'T YOU??? Yeah, but then Ted Turner will cancel her if she doesn't love pro wrestling enough, and she'll have to go on to be the creepy boss in "Office Space" or that guy who hosts "Conquest", the show that's just as much fun as watching any other medieval re-enactment with a cast of people who have no clue what they're doing and no reason for doing it other than because the host thinks swords are really boss. If Mimi's father really is The Equalizer, hopefully the tip of her nose won't turn into two tips side-by-side like his did. But if Mimi is the Brady Dad, you can tell her I agree with Robin Williams about Agfa. In any case, if you're going to name her after a sci-fi spinoff series that got cancelled due to not containing enough pro wrestlers, you have a few other options available -- you could call her "Galactica 1980" (hey, I think we all agree that show needed pro wrestlers, especially in the episodes with Wolfman Jack) or maybe even "Assignment: Earth", provided you replace all the wineglasses in your house with two-dimensional ones painted on the secret door to your freaky-looking Transporter. Do you have a black cat who can turn into a sexy woman? -- K. To make this a callback: Next week on "Conquest", Peter Woodward teaches ordinary shoe salesmen to kill with a Brannock device! Also, why was Robin Williams so concerned with Agfa's obvious incompetence? He could have made a fortune selling copies of that magical cheap point-and-shoot camera he used which somehow had a 10x optical zoom in the hole-in-the-corner _viewfinder_! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: "One Hour Photo" (was: Child Abuse) Date: Fri, 03 Oct 2003 02:13:42 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 69 Message-ID: References: <1g268fy.7gzaj61e7pjv6N%mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-2.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065161625 28827 192.74.137.182 (3 Oct 2003 06:13:45 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 3 Oct 2003 06:13:45 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492009 Tim Chmielewski (usenetspamtrap@timchuma.com) wrote: > > I thought it was strange that there wasn't a scene in the movie where Sy > fiddled around in Photoshop with some of his "extra prints", maybe Adobe > would have complained or something if it did. Are you kidding? Sy didn't need any of that electronic felgerkarb! He's got things like an actual physical red-eye removal pen. (Writing death threats with a red-eye pen is a brilliant idea.) Of course, that ties into his Kubrick-style nightmare where two elevators' worth of blood come out of his eyes, which is a callback to the opening narration about how red-eye happens, which was deleted from the movie before we saw it, and you can't hear that narration because it's only available on a "Superbit" DVD which is the label that takes the marketing position "We leave off all the extras so that the movie can have a higher bit-rate" when really it means "The studio was too cheap to pay to transfer the deleted scenes so they fobbed the release off on Superbit." Also, I don't think Sy would ever own a computer. He'd think that computers are just for kids and that he was too old to ever learn to "surf" the "web", and besides, he made sure that every one of his photos was printed perfectly and was an accurate reflection of reality and to take a hair out of the picture if there _really_ was a _real_ hair on the lens would be a SIN AGAINST REALITY! (Remember that his livelihood depended on people _not_ buying digital cameras. And certainly many people who work with high- quality photo prints all day are leery of digital photos simply because, although they may have as much resolution as most film photos, they don't have quite the same look as the ones photographers are used to.) I really liked the amount of research that the writers and Robin Williams put into that characterization. I used to have _that_ job. And if they had asked me what one line should be put into the movie, I would have said, "Fucking Agfa!" and yes, for me, the highlight of the movie is that it actually does contain the line "Fucking Agfa!" And I did indeed buy a pair of rubber gloves (actually, half a pair, because they were shared with the other operator) for use in mucking out the used silver solution because management was too cheap to buy us gloves. The only difference would be that I was really happy when I got laid off, while Sy clearly loved his job, so if there were Pringles product placements, I would have a scene where I refused to ever eat the salt-and-vinegar-flavored ones because they smell like photo developer, while Sy would be rolling around in a wading pool of them like in "Patch Adams" only even more horrifying, if that's possible. "Patch Adams" is one of those movies where I was hoping that if I wished really hard, I could walk into the screen and punch Patch in the face over and over until he died. The movie failed to win me over and I did not come out of it saying, "Yay! He practiced medicine without a license and one of his patients died and eventually everyone else in the world realized that this made him the best person ever!" I'd rather hang out with Sy than Patch, especially because that way I wouldn't have to enter The Imaginary Movie World Where Everyone But The Main Character Is A Total Moron, which was also the setting of "Simone". -- K. (Close-up of Kibo pushing a button on his keyboard. The button has the words "MAKE EVERYONE ELSE STUPID" molded directly into it. Then, his digital creation, Kay One Bee Zero -- or "K1B0" for short, GET IT? -- takes the stage and begins to sing, and nobody notices that K1B0 is flickery transparent blue because all the concert-goers had to promise to face away from the stage for the entire duration of the concert.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Child Abuse Date: Fri, 03 Oct 2003 00:53:17 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 33 Message-ID: References: <1g268fy.7gzaj61e7pjv6N%mmmtoblerone@earthlink.ent> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-4.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065156796 9467 192.74.137.184 (3 Oct 2003 04:53:16 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 3 Oct 2003 04:53:16 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491994 Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, why was Robin Williams so concerned with Agfa's obvious > > incompetence? He could have made a fortune selling copies > > of that magical cheap point-and-shoot camera he used which somehow > > had a 10x optical zoom in the hole-in-the-corner _viewfinder_! > > I thought I was being a gigantic geek for even bringing that up. Yes, but I was too polite to say that in public. But if you insist... HEY EVERYONE MATT IS A GIGANTIC GEEK FOR POINTING OUT A TECHNICAL FLAW WHEN WE WERE WATCHING MY DVD OF "ONE HOUR PHOTO" EVEN THOUGH HE DIDN'T NOTICE THE ONLY OTHER MISTAKE IN THE WHOLE MOVIE WHEN THE TOYOTA'S DOORS AUTOMATICALLY LOCKED AT THE WRONG SPEED! Is that better? Or do I have to send you a gift basket of Agfa, A&W, and Taco Bell products? -- K. If I ever make a movie, there has to be an Agfa product placement where, during a crowd scene, we hear a dubbed-in voice: "Hey, look, an Agfa camera-- OW IT STABBED ME AND NOW I'M DEAD!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Hair functions as antennae which aided telepathy Date: Thu, 02 Oct 2003 08:28:24 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 98 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-1.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065097706 24672 192.74.137.181 (2 Oct 2003 12:28:26 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 2 Oct 2003 12:28:26 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491895 alt.fan.beable:67716 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > Those wacky Raelians! > > http://www.carm.org/rael/raelian_nutshell.htm > > -> Samson was a telepathist and was instructed to not cut his hair > -> because hair functions as antennae which aided telepathy. It was > -> through telepathy that the aliens kept in contact with and guided > -> Samson. > > So THAT'S what happened! And after Delilah gave Samson a hair cut, > he couldn't communicate with the aliens by telepathy any more, so > he turned stupid. See, that's why Kirk is a better captain than Picard, because he wears that giant brain amplifier on top of his head. Picard's as dumb as Ilia! I would assume that the precise arrangement of the hairs in the 'do or hairpiece is an important factor if the wavelength of Brain Rays are similar to the spacing of the hair grid. Thus, we can tell that Kirk is tuned into Brain Rays at the same frequency as Brillo, and in "10" Bo Derek could listen to Brain Rays that sounded like those beaded curtains they use to keep stray thoughts from wandering into Gypsy fortune-tellers' parlors, and in antiquity, Otho was receiving the same Brain Rays as most modern plastic Easter baskets, which must have annoyed him because it wouldn't be time for Easter for another few centuries. Because I have a sort of Nixonian 'do, I guess that means I can only receive Brain Rays that can be accidentally erased by my secretary accidentally pressing a foot pedal twelve feet away from her desk and accidentally holding it down for eighteen and a half minutes while she's stretched like Reed Richards, who receives dark Brain Rays from above and light Brain Rays from the sides. But that's not what I really want in life. I don't care a whit for whether or not I'm receiving Brain Rays. What I really want to be able to do is to shoot rays out, with my LaserBrain! You see, this morning, I determined that if I were to host a TV talk show devoted to serious discussion of major issues, having a LaserBrain would enhance the show a lot. For instance, this is the script used for all odd-numbered episodes: KIBO'S COMPLETELY SERIOUS TALK SHOW ----------------------------------- KIBO: (asks a question) GUEST: (says something) KIBO: (says something smart) (A large photo of Kibo's smiling face slides across the screen from right to left, with animated rainbow-colored beams shooting out in all directions.) ROBOT VOICE: LaserBrain! GUEST: Wow, Kibo, you're smart! Too bad I just have an ordinary RefrigeratorLightBrain. (opens his mouth wide to show the tiny dim bulb) KIBO: (says something sympathetic) GUEST: (says something pathetic) KIBO: (says something smart) (The photo of Kibo's smiling face slides past again.) ROBOT VOICE: LaserBrain! KIBO: That's all we have time for. Good night! GUEST: (starts to say something stupid but the screen goes black) Even-numbered episodes would use almost the same script, except the robot voice would be a Japanese robot voice yelling "LaserBrain DISCO TIME!" and we'd dance to the crazy music and light show coming out of the picture of my head superimposed on us. And remember, the LaserBrain special effect would only happen right after I said something brilliant, so we couldn't use it more than about ten times a minute. I get great ideas like this because I have a LaserBrain! -- K. It's good that my brain is special. I'm constantly reminded of that because it's written on this little card I carry around. So that I won't lose it, I keep it pinned to both of my mittens at the same time. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Hair functions as antennae which aided telepathy Date: Fri, 03 Oct 2003 00:18:15 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 70 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-4.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065154695 13968 192.74.137.184 (3 Oct 2003 04:18:15 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 3 Oct 2003 04:18:15 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491981 alt.fan.beable:67721 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > KIBO'S COMPLETELY SERIOUS TALK SHOW > > ----------------------------------- > > Wait, you left out the Quizno's commercial that comes on in the middle: > > SMARMY DOOFUS: Were you raised by wolves or something? > > KIBO: [looks wistful] Why, yes--yes, I was. > > (A large photo of Kibo's smiling face suckling alongside several wolf > cubs slides across the screen from left to right, with animated > rainbow-colored beams shooting out in all directions.) > > ROBOT VOICE: LaserBrain! Does that make me Romulus or Remus? I hope I can be a Romulan, because then I could be Andreas Katsulas, the big-faced guy who played the wacky Romulan ambassador on "Babylon 5". I don't want to be Reman, because then I'd have to be in that movie that almost but not quite contained a cameo by Wil Wheaton, and I'd have to wear a Max Schreck mask and I'd probably get disintegrated by deadly green Thorazine Snowflakes. That's why the Romulan Senate was meeting in the Pantheon, because they thought the they were safe because the glowing green Thorazine Snowflakes shooting up out of the Double-Helical Snowflake Shooter would go right up and out the oculus, but they didn't know that Thorazine Snowflakes automatically call a Romulan Boomerang Zone on all oculi, making the green stuff bounce off the empty hole. It also explains why in that movie the awesome majesty of alien worlds 300 years in the future was represented by driving a dune buggy around in the desert while overexposing the film because the Romulan Boomerang Zone causes the awesome majesty of alien worlds 300 years in the future to be replaced with cheap footage of people driving around a vacant lot, "Dollman"-style. Where was I? Oh yes, I was at the art-supply store. It carries hockey souvenirs but not any art supplies I actually need (I have a hunch it's a Canadian chain because there are hockey pennants everywhere, and everything is labelled in English and French.) They were selling these Halloween lawn ornaments which were flat plastic cutouts of ghosts with traffic lights embedded in their bellies. The top light said "BOO", the middle one said "EEK", and the bottom one said "SCAT". And I don't know about you, but I don't want kids doing any sort of scatting on my lawn, whether they're dressed as Mel Torme' or someone from a German kaviar video. Also, because it was a Halloween traffic light, "BOO" was orange, "EEK" was purple, and "SCAT" was green. Remember, kids, you can get a ticket for scatting through an orange light. So I need to go home and check the mirror to make sure I don't have any little stencils that say things like "SCAT" behind the multicolored rays of genius emanating from my LaserBrain! -- K. If a kid shows up as "Mel Torme' in a German kaviar video", I'm going to lock myself in the cellar until Steven Spielberg outlaws Halloween forever to prevent terrorists from dressing like kids dressed like terrorists. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: test news Date: Fri, 03 Oct 2003 00:22:47 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 22 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-4.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065154966 13968 192.74.137.184 (3 Oct 2003 04:22:46 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 3 Oct 2003 04:22:46 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:491984 In alt.religion.kibology, chelito@eromaker.es wrote: > > darnier test news > perd—n por las molestias It's working, although it turned everything into French but spelled wrong. > -- > Chelito > Fotos Eroticas > http://www.personal.able.es/ensoriano Oh, yeah, brilliant advertising strategy, you _wish_ we're so stupid that we'll all follow links in .signatures of phony test-post spam written in some weird alien language. (I think it's Pornuguese.) -- K. Besides, if your photos were truly erotic, we'd have already found them ourselves. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Students Comment on the WebTV Version of Mr. James Parry's Web Site Date: Fri, 03 Oct 2003 01:38:32 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 132 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-2.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065159564 16835 192.74.137.182 (3 Oct 2003 05:39:24 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 3 Oct 2003 05:39:24 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492001 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > I've been talking to my tech-writing students this week about page > design, including designing for the web. It seemed appropriate to send > them to the WebTV version of Kibo's site Uh-oh. Paula's going to say this is child abuse, especially if you've renamed any of the students to Jihad McWebTV. And even if your students are adults, it's still child abuse because my WebTV page will damage their children's chromosomes. Expect to be sued, assuming any of your students survived. > (http://www.kibo.com/webtv/webtv.html) and ask them to comment in an > online discussion forum. So far, nausea seems to be a recurring theme > in their comments. Just to make this more entertaining, I'm going to pretend you're not teaching tech writing, but second grade. That way I can imagine a roomful of kids yelling "EWW GROSS!" and "THIS SITE LOOKS LIKE A BOOGER THREW UP!" Plus, that way they'd be the correct age range for WebTV. > In spite of the instructions telling them that the assignment is worth > "8 bajillion bozo points," some students seem to be taking this > assignment waaaaay too seriously. I only hope that Kibo can learn from > their comments. Only if you tell me whether or not they were using real WebTVs in order to experience the full horror of the tag and the tag and the constantly-diagonally-scrolling background. Also I hope all the computers had really big speakers. And if there are any differently-abled students in your class, the Americans With Disabilities Act will send you to jail for discriminating in favor of the blind and deaf. And in jail, the only computer you'll be allowed to have will be a WebTV! > "I went there for about five minutes but had to leave because it made > me sick. The background color is a horrible choice, when it is put in > combination with the black text it makes it almost impossible to read. > Kibo can't really expect anybody to read through all that crap, > especially with the background the way it is. I can't tell whether he > is just color blind or if he is trying to make his page that ugly in > an attempt to spoof other poorly designed pages on the web. It is a > good thing that he isn't trying to make a living off of this page > because he would be broke." So this student is admitting not reading the whole thing? Excellent! A+ for being too smart to finish your dumb assignment! > "As to the aspects of web design that the author is making fun of, the > over use of colors and flashiness seems to be part of it. I think a > lot of websites make the mistake of trying to make everything colorful > and interesting, but too many of them go overboard, and this > guy...holy cow! I was also extremely annoyed by having to move the > page back and forth just so I could read the damn thing. And, I've > been to "normal" websites where that was an issue as well." Used the word "holy" in relation to my page and/or my cow. That's a good start, but then they used the word "damn" which cancelled it out, and that made my imaginary cow cry when she got cancelled. Still, an A+ for saying I was "trying to make everything... interesting." > "I'm still trying to keep my lunch down. Next I'll have to go into > class and try and fight the headache that site gave me. AUGH! That was > way too much work. I had to stop reading as well. HE did well on the > first few pages- keeping the text in the page so you didn't have to > move it back and forth, the colors were o.k., and it wasn't too busy. > Once you clicked into the Web t.v. page, it was a whole other story. > It made me sick to my stomach. I didn't get too far. I don't > understand why he would do o.k. at the beginning and then switch to > that hideous format. His information must not have been that important > or he wouldn't have put it in a format that his readers could not > stand. WE couldn't even make it through the page. He used humor and > satire to get us that far, and for me it worked. I gigled at his > comments and was interested to see what was next. But, once I got > there I couldn't get out quick enough. It leaves me still wondering > what was so funny and important, but i can't go back to that page in > fear of losing my lunch." A+ just for the phrase, "I'll have to go into class and try and fight the headache..." That should be on motivational posters outside every classroom. Except sheet-metal shop, which should just have a warning label, like big skull and crossbones with the end of one of the bones missing. > "Simplicity would have been key for the maker of this site." The words "been key" would sound funny if Peter Sellers said them in the same accent he used for the word "monkey". And everyone loves Peter Sellers, so A+! > "I couldn't stay on long because I was getting funny looks from the > people around me in the computer lab. The only message I got from this > web site was that Jesus loves me, but He must not love me too much for > allowing me to view the site." Brilliant! A+ for forsaking religion just to get out of reading the rest of my site! > More helpful advice as it becomes available. That's not a sentence. YOU FAIL! -- K. It's noteworthy that your tech-writing students never said anything about the _writing_ style on my hideous page. I guess you forgot to teach them that the best way to read a page like that is to hit the "View Source" button that real WebTVs don't have. You might also suggest running the page through a number of different browsers (especially older ones and the WebTV emulator) as well as a few syntax-checkers (especially Bobby) to demonstrate the importance of testing to prevent this sort of design from ever happening again. If you were really mean the follow-up assignment would be "Re-design this page so it looks nice." Also, tell that first student that Microsoft's WebTV division paid me a million dollars to make that page. Wait, they wouldn't believe a million. Tell them it was 8 bajillion. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Students Comment on the WebTV Version of Mr. James Parry's Web Site Date: Tue, 07 Oct 2003 21:40:10 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 80 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-8.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065577208 28488 192.74.137.188 (8 Oct 2003 01:40:08 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 8 Oct 2003 01:40:08 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492446 barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > [one of Kevin S. Wilson's students reviewed Kibo's "WebTV-only" page:] > > > > "I absolutely love it.(?) I love satire, and this site absolutely > > exudes it. It seems to me that this is a critical look at webtv and > > its inherent evils. As an educational tool about the evils of improper > > design I think it is magnificent. Now can anyone come to campus and > > drive me home? I can't see--think I'm going blind." > > He knows how to bullshit his way through college, that's for sure. He > has the makings of a future academic. Naw, he (or she) is obviously a genius. There's only one way to settle this debate over how much of a genius this super-genius is. I say we should invite him or her to alt.religion.kibology for further testing and experimentation. Kevin, I suggest that you assign that student to hang out here and entertain us while all the other students have to translate "Moby-Dick" into Old English or something. > I little knew what a fine skill I possessed when I used to ace high > school AP English essay tests on books I had never read, nay, not even > the Cliff Notes. It was so easy to do I disdained it and never took a > single literature class in college. Only when I found Usenet did the > pleasure of it return. The college course which ruined my love of literature forever was one taught by a professor who also happened to edit a prestigious literary magazine (secretly published at that school.) One assignment was to read the magazine's slush pile. After about the fifth feminist sherotica fantasy story about a woman raping a mentally-retarded, drooling, child-like man, I was forced to admit that the one about the woman who spent the whole story standing in a supermarket fondling a white eggplant was the best. It was actually a pretty good story, a well-written character study of someone engaging in this very abstract sexual fantasy. But the others were mostly women making helpless men their sex toys. Then I got a job in a typesetting shop. Because we were always depserate for business (that's another story), we had a policy of not refusing to print pornography (unlike some of the classier shops.) Now, people printing ordinary vanilla porn either have the money to buy their own equipment, or else they're such shoestring operations that they just Xerox their porn at the public library. So what we got were the locally- produced gay porn and lesbian porn magazines with pretensions of being high-quality literature (i.e. printed on something better than a Xerox.) A few hours of having to proofread orientation-inappropriate literary "erotica" (to check that none of the punctuation marks disappeared) and then checking the Dmax of the fleshtones of the shaved genitals with an X-Rite transmission densitometer will ruin anyone's appreciation of the finer points of prose and/or porn. A co-worker at the shop invited me to help him read the slush pile for a respectable science fiction magazine (known for being more literarily- oriented than commercial) and, not having learned my mistake, I agreed, and I spent an afternoon sorting sci-fi stories into piles of "NO", "NO (POSS. CHILD AUTHOR)", "NO (TREK-FIC)", "NO (ADAM & EVE)", "NO (NOT A STORY)", "NO (GETS TO TRAVEL BACK IN TIME TO BE FRIENDS WITH ELVIS, GENE RODDENBERRY, AND/OR GEORGE GERSHWIN)", and "NO (LIKE 'THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME' WITHOUT THE DANGER)". That day is the reason I still sometimes yell "RELEASE THE A3 DEER!" at inappropriate moments, assuming there are any inappropriate moments to yell "RELEASE THE A3 DEER!" So now I have sworn I will never again read or write anything with any sort of literary quality, and have instead devoted my life to enjoying trash that doesn't even want to get taken seriously as a quality product of a serious author, because good writing sucks when it goes wrong. Failed art is painful, but trash is easy to love unconditionally. (Kibo sings three choruses of "I Love Trash!" in an Oscar The Grouch voice, but then someone complains that Kibo's face is covered with shaggy orange-brown hair and he has to stop because everyone knows that Oscar never had orange-brown facial hair.) -- K. RELEASE THE A3 DEER! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Students Comment on the WebTV Version of Mr. James Parry's Web Site Date: Thu, 09 Oct 2003 21:01:09 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 37 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-1.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065747665 1215 192.74.137.181 (10 Oct 2003 01:01:05 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 10 Oct 2003 01:01:05 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492672 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Kevin, I suggest that you assign that student to hang out here and > > entertain us while all the other students have to translate "Moby-Dick" > > into Old English or something. > > I forgot to say in my earlier followup that there seems little point > in translating "Moby-Dick" into the language in which it was > ORIGINALLY written. That's not Old English! That's just Vintage English! Old English _always_ has cool stuff like Vikings and dragons and lots of magical dismemberments. Vintage English is merely anything old enough that the words "cool", "gay", and "ass" meant the wrong things, and people spelled "car" with a hyphen. And everything that's now spelled with a hyphen had a swung dash. Old English has fire-breathing dragons, Vintage English has guys with muttonchops and swung dashes. > Also, you misspelled "Olde English." Puh-leeze. If I made an effort to write everything in authentic runes, sooner or later I'd accidentally stumble across the particular subset of the futhark that would cause the yggradsil to fall down, crushing Middle-Earth between Asgard and whatever the othergard whose name I can't remember is. And if I used Ogham, every one of my articles would have to be all edge, and would look like a blank window with a fringed border made of Woodstock-speak. And I certainly can't post anything written in blackletter, because that might accidentally summon up Twisted Sister, whoever she is. -- K. However, I can do Braille Cuneiform. That's where you hold out your fingers and I pound a chisel into them. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Students Comment on the WebTV Version of Mr. James Parry's Web Site Date: Thu, 09 Oct 2003 20:54:46 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 109 Message-ID: References: <0td8ovc9ou7qdrko12ssahuqtbmble2irr@4ax.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-1.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065747287 1215 192.74.137.181 (10 Oct 2003 00:54:47 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 10 Oct 2003 00:54:47 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492670 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Kevin, I suggest that you assign that student to hang out here and > > entertain us while all the other students have to translate "Moby-Dick" > > into Old English or something. > > Introducing students to Usenet at a state university is the sort of > thing that results in outraged letters to the editor in the local > paper. You first. Oh, as if there's anyone here on Usenet who didn't start when they were supposedly learning stuff in college. What, do you think people have computers in their _houses_ now? Hmm, I guess the WebTV fans must have discovered the Internet on their own, as they don't have WebTVs in colleges, not even any of the colleges that would admit WebTV users (a WebTV wouldn't be much help at the Future Bartenders Of America Institute Of Lower Canada.) Incidentally, speaking of little academies, I still miss the Mansfield Beauty Academy which vanished from downtown Boston a few years ago. I always admired their chutzpah in not only naming themselves after someone who was famous for being sexy two generations ago, but also used her large-breasted torso as their emblem -- the shocking detail being that they chose to prominently display a headless torso of the only movie star to die by decapitation. Of course I never enrolled in their silly girlie school, but I admired the sheer tastelessness of having Jayne Mansfield's mutilated corpse as their logo. Also, how come there was a place to teach 1950s-style "beauty" to women but no place to teach 1950s-style "cool" to guys like me who want to be told it's okay to go around saying "Ayyyyyyy!"? There are lots of people who would pay just to get the little card for their wallet saying, "This card certifies that ____________ has completed Cool School and therefore, he is NOT A NERD. By reading this card, you agree to SIT ON IT!" > > The college course which ruined my love of literature forever was one > > taught by a professor who also happened to edit a prestigious literary > > magazine (secretly published at that school.) One assignment was to > > read the magazine's slush pile. > > Don't tell the people who pay my salary now, or my former clients from > my self-employed days, but the bulk of my graduate education consisted > of reading short fiction written by my peers and then talking about it > in workshops. I did that as an undergrad. That makes me a few years more advanced than you! Also, it was stuff written by my peers, who are obviously better than anyone else's peers. > I'll always remember Margo, a redheaded, angry young woman who would've > been a lesbian if her angry, bitter, blackened soul wasn't such a turn-off > to both men and women. When her advances toward a womon in the poetry > program were spurned, she cut her hair until it was slightly longer > than Sinead O'Connor's, then died it a sickly orange. From all > appearances, she had cut her hair with a pair of sheet-metal shears. I look like I cut my hair with a single sheet-metal shear. > So one day it's Margo's turn to hear criticism and commentary about > one of her stories, a charming tale of child molestation, rape, and > revenge entitled "The Evil that Men Do." (Note the subtle > foreshadowing in the title, and the nod toward Shakespeare that > establishes the story's pedigree as Serious Literature [tm].) Though > authors were generally discouraged from defending their stories from > criticism, it was expected that the author would share with the class, > as necessary, some insight into the story's meaning, its genesis, or > its intent. What did Margo have to say? > > "I showed this story to a friend of mine last night. She read it, and > immediately ran into the bathroom and threw up." > > She said this with an excited gleam in her eye, with an arched eyebrow > and a smug set to her lips that clearly indicated that she could think > of no higher praise an author could receive. > > For years afterward, my buddy from those workshops and I would > compliment each other's writing by saying "It made me throw up." He > wanted to include a reference to Margo's school of literary criticism > on the dedication page of his first novel, but apparently someone > talked him out of it. Best reaction I ever got was in a comedy-writing workshop where I had just done a piece of abstract performance art and one of the gals ran out of the room crying. When she came back in, she apologized, explaining that I merely reminded her of a child molester. The props involved were a flashlight and a featureless cardboard box with a crank mounted on one side. Even my imagination cannot conceive of this weird new form of child molestation involving crank-powered cardboard. I guess it would have to be something like a cross between a spanking machine and an organ grinder. -- K. Stuff written by students in writing workshops is generally not all that bad, compared to stuff submitted to slush piles. However, I did find "RELEASE THE A3 DEER!" to be funnier than anything from the comedy workshop, even though it was meant to be a serious tale of mankind's future of manly adventures. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Students Comment on the WebTV Version of Mr. James Parry's Web Site Date: Sat, 11 Oct 2003 21:00:35 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 35 Message-ID: References: <0td8ovc9ou7qdrko12ssahuqtbmble2irr@4ax.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-4.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065920431 5428 192.74.137.184 (12 Oct 2003 01:00:31 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 12 Oct 2003 01:00:31 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492945 Obfus Kataa (vapaa@finhut.fi.example.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Even my imagination cannot conceive of this weird new form of child > > molestation involving crank-powered cardboard. I guess it would have > > to be something like a cross between a spanking machine and an organ > > grinder. -----------------------------------------------------^^^^^ > VVVVVV > You misspelt orphan[!|.] > Is "misspelt" a verb or an adjective? I hope not. It probably isn't any sort of part of speech, it's just a word. Unlike Finnish, English doesn't have no grammar. While I'm typing this, I'm on a subway train looking at a poster which shows two pretzels, captioned "www.2Pretzels.com". That's all it says. I have no idea why they're trying to sell me (unless it's very small quantities of pretzels) and I don't know why they'd tell me to go to "www.2Pretzels.com" when there's no way to access the Internet from underground. And there's no way I'll remember to visit "www.2Pretzels.com" once I get to the surface. So I will never know the answer: Is the "2" a number or a preposition? -- K. "Pretzel" is a funny word. Other funny words include "uvula" and "nukular". For example, "When President Bush had a pretzel caught in his uvula, he passed out and fell on the nukular button." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Students Comment on the WebTV Version of Mr. James Parry's Web Site Date: Sat, 11 Oct 2003 20:58:45 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 33 Message-ID: References: <0td8ovc9ou7qdrko12ssahuqtbmble2irr@4ax.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-4.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065920321 5428 192.74.137.184 (12 Oct 2003 00:58:41 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 12 Oct 2003 00:58:41 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492944 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I still miss the Mansfield Beauty Academy [...] > > I admired the sheer tastelessness of having Jayne Mansfield's > > mutilated corpse as their logo. > > That reminds me -- there's a day care center just outside downtown > Baltimore called the Jonestown Day Care Center & School. Their phone > number is (410) 727-8607, if you want to ask them anything about what > sort of fruit-flavored-cold-drink service they provide for the kids. That's nothing. I just walked past the Arnold Schwarzenegger Likes To Crush Babies Between His Butt-Cheeks Day Care Center. And the really odd part is that the logo was a picture of a giant baby crushing Arnold between its butt cheeks while the tiny Arnold was crushing Michael Jackson, who was crushing a white grape under his stiletto heel. Okay, I made that up just to top you. But I only cheated to ensure that I WIN I WIN I WIN! Yay! I don't know why all those people in my neighborhood wasted three hours watching the Red Sox play the Yankees today when they could just have watched me, because I'm more likely to WIN WIN WIN! -- K. Also I don't involve any scary mascots, unless someone starts dressing up in a giant Spot head and running around yelling "WAAH!" while people beat him with baseball bats on Lead-Filled Aluminum Bat Day. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Students Comment on the WebTV Version of Mr. James Parry's Web Site Date: Tue, 07 Oct 2003 21:38:31 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 66 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-8.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065577108 28488 192.74.137.188 (8 Oct 2003 01:38:28 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 8 Oct 2003 01:38:28 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492445 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > of his web site> > > More from the discussion board: > > "I did like the part with Bob Hope falling on his head though. That > was neat." It was a very tidy head injury. Not like that video of that time those two skydivers collided, causing each of their helmets to come out the other's butt on its way to a different time zone. > "Besides the flashing neon colors and Bob Hope falling down video, I > noticed the "Macarena" song playing in the background. That was when > the speakers were turned off." My WebTV-only page performs a valuable public service by making people aware that shoddy American computers have parts which vibrate freely so that, when playing a loud noise (with the speakers off), you can hear the entire computer resonating and eventually breaking. > "The best thing I could get out of this site was that this designer > dislikes Mac's and Webtv." Don't forget Windows and UNIX. And students. > "I got the exact opposite opinion about WebTV from the webpage because > the story tells about the evils of WebTV. I think that a major part of > the satire is the wickedness of WebTV. But you're right, at first > glance he really seems to think WebTV is cool. Without reading the > story you don't get that. So, another problem with this webpage is > that visitors to the site get contradictory information from the text > vs the background content. Webpages should be consistent just as any > other technical document should." Oh no! Now I'll have to go to Sarcasm Jail! > "I absolutely love it.(?) I love satire, and this site absolutely > exudes it. It seems to me that this is a critical look at webtv and > its inherent evils. As an educational tool about the evils of improper > design I think it is magnificent. Now can anyone come to campus and > drive me home? I can't see--think I'm going blind." Give that student an eBay-style "A++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++" for noticing one of the many things my Web site is exuding! > "I think when he made this web page the idea of people closing the > browser was not in the front of his mind. Because as soon as I had > seen enough (which did not take very long) I closed that window hoping > to never have to open it again. (Nice try though, he was creative I'll > give him that) Maybe Bozo should read Mike Markel's book." So, the first sentence of this paragraph means my brain is facing the wrong way? Hmm, I had been wondering why my eyes were in the back of my head. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go drink a glass of air. Anyone got fifty pounds of walnuts? -- K. If any of your students get that reference, yell "HAW HAW YOU'VE SEEN BLACK AND WHITE TV AND THAT MAKES YOU TOO OLD TO BE A WEB DESIGNER! GO MAKE SCRIMSHAW!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Students Comment on the WebTV Version of Mr. James Parry's Web Site Date: Sat, 04 Oct 2003