Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Scam of the day Date: Thu, 09 Oct 2003 00:40:21 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 33 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-3.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065674420 13982 192.74.137.183 (9 Oct 2003 04:40:20 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 9 Oct 2003 04:40:20 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492572 You know the new U.S. $20 bills that are about to go into circulation? With the festive Carribean color-wash behind Andrew Jackson? The ones where they've redrawn the portrait to make him look even more stoned? In order to accustom us to what the new $20s will look like so that we won't think the real ones are counterfeit, they've been promoting them by having a bunch of them given away on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" every day this week. Except... the Treasury Department won't start issuing the bills until tomorrow! So, Meredith Viera is clearly waving around handfuls of counterfeit money! And that means that now I'm going to think all of the real Pez-toned $20s are counterfeit because this incident has taught me that SOME TV MIGHT SOMETIMES BE FAKE, EVEN IF REGIS PHILBIN ISN'T INVOLVED! Also, I have a hunch that Regis Philbin's old game show, Woody Allen's "What's My Perversion?", might have been staged! The new $20 is the world's only currency to feature an emaciated, uncombed guy saying "...wuh?" And he just keeps getting more disheveled. A hundred years from now, there will probably be a $25 bill where they keep redrawing the picture of Schwarzenegger to make him look dazed enough to match. It would show a picture of him and Jesse Ventura and Sonny Landham trying to fight the Predator, except they'd all be stumbling around aimlessly saying "...gaw?" while the Predator says "...uh-doy?" -- K. They'll also keep redrawing the portrait on the $3 to keep Jar Jar up to date with the ever-changing standards of extreme gayness. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Students Comment on the WebTV Version of Mr. James Parry's Web Site Date: Thu, 09 Oct 2003 20:54:46 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 109 Message-ID: References: <0td8ovc9ou7qdrko12ssahuqtbmble2irr@4ax.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-1.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065747287 1215 192.74.137.181 (10 Oct 2003 00:54:47 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 10 Oct 2003 00:54:47 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492670 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Kevin, I suggest that you assign that student to hang out here and > > entertain us while all the other students have to translate "Moby-Dick" > > into Old English or something. > > Introducing students to Usenet at a state university is the sort of > thing that results in outraged letters to the editor in the local > paper. You first. Oh, as if there's anyone here on Usenet who didn't start when they were supposedly learning stuff in college. What, do you think people have computers in their _houses_ now? Hmm, I guess the WebTV fans must have discovered the Internet on their own, as they don't have WebTVs in colleges, not even any of the colleges that would admit WebTV users (a WebTV wouldn't be much help at the Future Bartenders Of America Institute Of Lower Canada.) Incidentally, speaking of little academies, I still miss the Mansfield Beauty Academy which vanished from downtown Boston a few years ago. I always admired their chutzpah in not only naming themselves after someone who was famous for being sexy two generations ago, but also used her large-breasted torso as their emblem -- the shocking detail being that they chose to prominently display a headless torso of the only movie star to die by decapitation. Of course I never enrolled in their silly girlie school, but I admired the sheer tastelessness of having Jayne Mansfield's mutilated corpse as their logo. Also, how come there was a place to teach 1950s-style "beauty" to women but no place to teach 1950s-style "cool" to guys like me who want to be told it's okay to go around saying "Ayyyyyyy!"? There are lots of people who would pay just to get the little card for their wallet saying, "This card certifies that ____________ has completed Cool School and therefore, he is NOT A NERD. By reading this card, you agree to SIT ON IT!" > > The college course which ruined my love of literature forever was one > > taught by a professor who also happened to edit a prestigious literary > > magazine (secretly published at that school.) One assignment was to > > read the magazine's slush pile. > > Don't tell the people who pay my salary now, or my former clients from > my self-employed days, but the bulk of my graduate education consisted > of reading short fiction written by my peers and then talking about it > in workshops. I did that as an undergrad. That makes me a few years more advanced than you! Also, it was stuff written by my peers, who are obviously better than anyone else's peers. > I'll always remember Margo, a redheaded, angry young woman who would've > been a lesbian if her angry, bitter, blackened soul wasn't such a turn-off > to both men and women. When her advances toward a womon in the poetry > program were spurned, she cut her hair until it was slightly longer > than Sinead O'Connor's, then died it a sickly orange. From all > appearances, she had cut her hair with a pair of sheet-metal shears. I look like I cut my hair with a single sheet-metal shear. > So one day it's Margo's turn to hear criticism and commentary about > one of her stories, a charming tale of child molestation, rape, and > revenge entitled "The Evil that Men Do." (Note the subtle > foreshadowing in the title, and the nod toward Shakespeare that > establishes the story's pedigree as Serious Literature [tm].) Though > authors were generally discouraged from defending their stories from > criticism, it was expected that the author would share with the class, > as necessary, some insight into the story's meaning, its genesis, or > its intent. What did Margo have to say? > > "I showed this story to a friend of mine last night. She read it, and > immediately ran into the bathroom and threw up." > > She said this with an excited gleam in her eye, with an arched eyebrow > and a smug set to her lips that clearly indicated that she could think > of no higher praise an author could receive. > > For years afterward, my buddy from those workshops and I would > compliment each other's writing by saying "It made me throw up." He > wanted to include a reference to Margo's school of literary criticism > on the dedication page of his first novel, but apparently someone > talked him out of it. Best reaction I ever got was in a comedy-writing workshop where I had just done a piece of abstract performance art and one of the gals ran out of the room crying. When she came back in, she apologized, explaining that I merely reminded her of a child molester. The props involved were a flashlight and a featureless cardboard box with a crank mounted on one side. Even my imagination cannot conceive of this weird new form of child molestation involving crank-powered cardboard. I guess it would have to be something like a cross between a spanking machine and an organ grinder. -- K. Stuff written by students in writing workshops is generally not all that bad, compared to stuff submitted to slush piles. However, I did find "RELEASE THE A3 DEER!" to be funnier than anything from the comedy workshop, even though it was meant to be a serious tale of mankind's future of manly adventures. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Students Comment on the WebTV Version of Mr. James Parry's Web Site Date: Sat, 11 Oct 2003 21:00:35 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 35 Message-ID: References: <0td8ovc9ou7qdrko12ssahuqtbmble2irr@4ax.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-4.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065920431 5428 192.74.137.184 (12 Oct 2003 01:00:31 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 12 Oct 2003 01:00:31 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492945 Obfus Kataa (vapaa@finhut.fi.example.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Even my imagination cannot conceive of this weird new form of child > > molestation involving crank-powered cardboard. I guess it would have > > to be something like a cross between a spanking machine and an organ > > grinder. -----------------------------------------------------^^^^^ > VVVVVV > You misspelt orphan[!|.] > Is "misspelt" a verb or an adjective? I hope not. It probably isn't any sort of part of speech, it's just a word. Unlike Finnish, English doesn't have no grammar. While I'm typing this, I'm on a subway train looking at a poster which shows two pretzels, captioned "www.2Pretzels.com". That's all it says. I have no idea why they're trying to sell me (unless it's very small quantities of pretzels) and I don't know why they'd tell me to go to "www.2Pretzels.com" when there's no way to access the Internet from underground. And there's no way I'll remember to visit "www.2Pretzels.com" once I get to the surface. So I will never know the answer: Is the "2" a number or a preposition? -- K. "Pretzel" is a funny word. Other funny words include "uvula" and "nukular". For example, "When President Bush had a pretzel caught in his uvula, he passed out and fell on the nukular button." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Students Comment on the WebTV Version of Mr. James Parry's Web Site Date: Sat, 11 Oct 2003 20:58:45 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 33 Message-ID: References: <0td8ovc9ou7qdrko12ssahuqtbmble2irr@4ax.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-4.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065920321 5428 192.74.137.184 (12 Oct 2003 00:58:41 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 12 Oct 2003 00:58:41 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492944 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I still miss the Mansfield Beauty Academy [...] > > I admired the sheer tastelessness of having Jayne Mansfield's > > mutilated corpse as their logo. > > That reminds me -- there's a day care center just outside downtown > Baltimore called the Jonestown Day Care Center & School. Their phone > number is (410) 727-8607, if you want to ask them anything about what > sort of fruit-flavored-cold-drink service they provide for the kids. That's nothing. I just walked past the Arnold Schwarzenegger Likes To Crush Babies Between His Butt-Cheeks Day Care Center. And the really odd part is that the logo was a picture of a giant baby crushing Arnold between its butt cheeks while the tiny Arnold was crushing Michael Jackson, who was crushing a white grape under his stiletto heel. Okay, I made that up just to top you. But I only cheated to ensure that I WIN I WIN I WIN! Yay! I don't know why all those people in my neighborhood wasted three hours watching the Red Sox play the Yankees today when they could just have watched me, because I'm more likely to WIN WIN WIN! -- K. Also I don't involve any scary mascots, unless someone starts dressing up in a giant Spot head and running around yelling "WAAH!" while people beat him with baseball bats on Lead-Filled Aluminum Bat Day. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My Students Comment on the WebTV Version of Mr. James Parry's Web Site Date: Thu, 09 Oct 2003 21:01:09 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 37 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-1.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065747665 1215 192.74.137.181 (10 Oct 2003 01:01:05 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 10 Oct 2003 01:01:05 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492672 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Kevin, I suggest that you assign that student to hang out here and > > entertain us while all the other students have to translate "Moby-Dick" > > into Old English or something. > > I forgot to say in my earlier followup that there seems little point > in translating "Moby-Dick" into the language in which it was > ORIGINALLY written. That's not Old English! That's just Vintage English! Old English _always_ has cool stuff like Vikings and dragons and lots of magical dismemberments. Vintage English is merely anything old enough that the words "cool", "gay", and "ass" meant the wrong things, and people spelled "car" with a hyphen. And everything that's now spelled with a hyphen had a swung dash. Old English has fire-breathing dragons, Vintage English has guys with muttonchops and swung dashes. > Also, you misspelled "Olde English." Puh-leeze. If I made an effort to write everything in authentic runes, sooner or later I'd accidentally stumble across the particular subset of the futhark that would cause the yggradsil to fall down, crushing Middle-Earth between Asgard and whatever the othergard whose name I can't remember is. And if I used Ogham, every one of my articles would have to be all edge, and would look like a blank window with a fringed border made of Woodstock-speak. And I certainly can't post anything written in blackletter, because that might accidentally summon up Twisted Sister, whoever she is. -- K. However, I can do Braille Cuneiform. That's where you hold out your fingers and I pound a chisel into them. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: welcome to hell! Date: Thu, 09 Oct 2003 21:06:04 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 38 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-1.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065747961 1215 192.74.137.181 (10 Oct 2003 01:06:01 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 10 Oct 2003 01:06:01 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492673 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > oh yeah, and some dumb freak is now governor. his first act will be to > announce the outsourcing of california's government to a cartel of power > companies, lead by Enron (which apparently still exists. why, I don't > know.) > > citizens will now be required to tithe 60% of their income, but this will > be in exchange for unlimited power from 1am to 5am weekdays during the > month of april. power during other time frames will be available at a low > cost per second. > > I, for one, welcome our new corporate overlords. I imagine that those who have a President's Council On Physical Fitness certificate signed by Schwarzenegger's autopen will be given preferential treatment, while those of us who have the President's Council On Academic Fitness certificate signed by some nerd will be the first against the wall for death by dodgeball. (I don't remember who signed the Reagan-era "Academic Fitness" certificates, it was probably Buzz Aldrin, Woody Allen, or Max Headroom.) If I were Governor of California, the first thing I'd do would be to divide up the state. Many people have suggested breaking it up into North California and South California, but that's just stupid. It should be divided into Disney, Not Disney, and Trader Joe's, and then Trader Joe's should be declared to be an enemy nation and the state would hire a mad scientist to move the San Andreas Fault to cause just The Nation Of Trader Joe's to float out to sea, so it would wind up in Japan, where gross food is normal. -- K. Some people want Hollywood to secede from L.A., but that's silly, because then one of the two would have a subway system nobody rides. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: welcome to hell! Date: Thu, 09 Oct 2003 21:18:49 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 42 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-1.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065748727 21688 192.74.137.181 (10 Oct 2003 01:18:47 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 10 Oct 2003 01:18:47 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492679 "swt" (swt2@cox.net) wrote: > > I thought that Governor Schwarzenegger's first act would be to force his > wife, the lovely and talented Skeletor, to EAT A SANDWICH. You know very little about proper nutrition. Anyone who's an expert in this field, like Governor Schwarzenegger, knows that the best way to gain weight is to take steroids. > I was going to quote the Conan line "All that mattered was that two stood > against many", but I think the quote might be a total confabulation; the > only google result it brought back was an old post by me. Those who cannot > remember history are condemned to watch it again! I just think of him trying to explain to Martians, "California is a state on our West Coast, and Schwarzenegger is... oh, heck with it, here's a dog licking peanut butter off a picture of Steve Allen." > And if you can't imagine a right-wing movie star becoming a successful > California governor, I suggest you watch Bedtime For Bonzo. Watch the > remastered DVD edition, where subtitles like "THIS MAN HELD THE NUCLEAR > FOOTBALL" scroll by every so often. And don't forget that one where he may or may not have married his daughter, Shirley Temple, long before she grew up to be elderly and took command of the UN's Black Helicopter Task Force. Still, he was at least a passable B-movie actor, unlike Nancy Davis, who was like Majel Barrett without the zany madcap flamboyancy. If you don't believe me, watch her face never move in "Donovan's Brain". In fact, the brain acts circles around her face. > Also: Who turned the hippies against Prop 54? I thought everyone at Trader > Joe's was *against* racial profiling. I don't know what Prop 54 is, unless it's a hermorrhoid cream that turns you into Herman Munster. -- K. Trader Joe's sells pastry shells filled with it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: MOUSE! OVEN!! Date: Thu, 09 Oct 2003 21:46:08 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 34 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-1.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065750369 14953 192.74.137.181 (10 Oct 2003 01:46:09 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 10 Oct 2003 01:46:09 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492683 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > > > MOUSE!! OVEN!!! MOUSE IN OVEN!! OVEN MOUSE!! MOUSE!! OVEN!! GAAAH! > > MOUSE!! DEAD!! IN OVEN!!! DEAD MOUSE IN OVEN!!! GAAAAH!!! HELP!!! > > OVEN MOUSE!!! GAAAH!!! > > You'll need two leaves of basil, a pat of butter, some oregano, and a little > bit of flour... I just remembered why I never eat at Subway. So is the oven electric, gas, microwave, or Easy-Bake? When I had a mouse problem in my oven, it was an electric oven, and you know how slow those are at heating up -- the mouse could get out several minutes before the burners started glowing maroon. That's why I swore I would never again live in an apartment with an electric range, because that kind of stove gets laughed at by mice. Mice are smarter than electric appliances. By the way, Tam, don't forget to check the following other items around your home for dead mice: * bathtub * freezer * medicine cabinet * VCR * WalkMan * car gas tank * toothpaste tube * your fuzzy slippers * cats ...and of course any loaves of bread Mark McKinney may have given you. -- K. How do you know it was a mouse and not a rat? (Sometimes they shrink when you cook them.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: MOUSE! OVEN!! Date: Sat, 11 Oct 2003 20:53:28 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 43 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-4.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065920004 5428 192.74.137.184 (12 Oct 2003 00:53:24 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 12 Oct 2003 00:53:24 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492941 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry" (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > By the way, Tam, don't forget to check the following other items around > > your home for dead mice: > > > > * bathtub * freezer * medicine cabinet * VCR * WalkMan > > * car gas tank * toothpaste tube * your fuzzy slippers * cats > > O great. Feed my phobia Kibo. My down-the-street neighbour told me to just > get used to the fact that we have mice. My upstairs neighbour, the > vegetable-throwing chyk, wants to do home renovations such as putting up > netting on the vents and sealing cracks with a plaster gun because she said > she used to live with rats in Montreal and that was a good solution to the > problem. "sealing cracks with a plaster gun" and "she used to live with rats in Montreal" are both useful euphemisms for something, but I don't know what. Maybe we could just use them as universal euphemisms, suitable for insertion into _any_ sentence where the meaning isn't yet vague enough to get past the network censors! > Me? Well I'm just about to cross that fine line and go live in a cardboard > box on Queen Street West. > > ~T (then I will be infested with homeless people, hookers and crack dealers) And homeless mice. And mice on crack. And mouse hookers. (Their pimps are rats. However, in cities where the rats are the hookers, the pimps are nutria. And when nutria become hookers, capyberas are the pimps. At the very top of this hierarchy is Mr. Snuffleupagus.) -- K. Other places to check for mice: * inside potato chip bags * beer cans * inside the scary Blue Jays mascot costume * inside any watermelons that roll down the stairs * earmuffs * in your Pez dispenser * hair gel ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: MOUSE! OVEN!! Date: Sat, 11 Oct 2003 20:44:01 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 29 Message-ID: References: <3F86FB87.D30EBE6F@pt.lu> <3F8853BC.42F7C968@pt.lu> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-4.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065919437 5428 192.74.137.184 (12 Oct 2003 00:43:57 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 12 Oct 2003 00:43:57 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492939 [on the difficulty of making nerd jokes around people who are insufficiently nerdy] Andrew Pearson (apearson@pt.lu) wrote: > > Oh dear. I can imagine that one going down like a lead balloon at the > festive board. "... so the field service engineer decided to do some > preventative maintenance on the PDP 11 and Emily was breathing a > gas/air mixture controlled by the machine. So - no she's a monkey - was > a monkey. ... eh? Asphixiated I imag... but... but we haven't got to the > best bit yet!" While I was reading that on the Red Line, the subway train was bouncing around enough to shake the letters out of alignment, and for some reason the "f", "c", and "l" consonants from "field service" wandered over to where "lead" should have been, and my brain somehow read your sentence as "going down like a fecal balloon", which is a really disturbing idea, and shame on you for mentioning it. I wonder how much helium you can pump into a hoverturd. If Goodyear advertises their tires with a blimp made out of rubber, will Taco Bell advertise with a bloated turdblimp? -- K. And what, pray tell, does this have to do with Julius Caesar putting the mouse in Tamara's oven? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: MOUSE! OVEN!! Date: Fri, 10 Oct 2003 02:47:38 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 20 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-1.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065768457 1589 192.74.137.181 (10 Oct 2003 06:47:37 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 10 Oct 2003 06:47:37 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492728 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I just remembered why I never eat at Subway. > > Well, I've reduced mine because nobody remembers how to cut the bread right > any more. Damn all middle management drones anyway. But I thought that you once said we could go into any Subway and demand "the old cut" to get the good cut, assuming there ever was a good cut. Has Subway slid so far into babarism that they've forgotten how to slice bread? Do Subway employees go around saying things like "I have Tetris on my cell phone! It's the greatest thing since... uh... have any cool things ever been invented before my little Tetris?" -- K. TOYNBEE IDEAS IN SUBWAY MOUSEWICHES CAUSE DECLINE AND FALL AND BLACK DEATH ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: MOUSE! OVEN!! Date: Sat, 11 Oct 2003 20:28:08 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 71 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-4.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065918515 5428 192.74.137.184 (12 Oct 2003 00:28:35 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 12 Oct 2003 00:28:35 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492935 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > > > [at Subway restaurants] nobody remembers how to cut the bread right > > > any more. Damn all middle management drones anyway. > > > > But I thought that you once said we could go into any Subway and demand > > "the old cut" to get the good cut, assuming there ever was a good cut. > > Yes. But only, and this is the tricky part, so long as there is anyone there > who has ever learnt how to do it. > > (Because they have rules against handing the bread and the knives over the > counter to the customer so that the customer can demonstrate for the hapless > drone in equstion...) Well, then, the solution is clear: skip the drones and head right for the queen bee herself. She'll either know how to slice bread properly, or she'll sting you to death, and either way your sandwich problem will be, as that obnoxious newscaster on Channel 5 says at least once a day, "Oh! Vee! Ay! OVA!" Not only has this guy embraced the lowest level of hoomer -- pretending to misspell sumthin' in order to mock the stoopid -- but he has only figured out how to do one word, and he duzzit every day since obviously we're not smart enough to memember it. Every time the last run of a ball game is skored, that game is "Oh! Vee! Ay! OVA!" I predict that someday this guy will have to cover women's basketball and will get fired after he says the game is "Gee! Oh! En! Ay! Dee! Ess!" > > Has Subway slid so far into babarism that they've forgotten how to > > slice bread? > > About three years ago, at this point. And what does my elephant have to do > with it, anyway? Hey, get your elephant off my dragon! Also, that laurel wreath ain't foolin' anyone. You'd be better off in a completely invisible toupee, like Oh! Tee! Aitch! Oh! OTHO! > > TOYNBEE IDEAS IN SUBWAY MOUSEWICHES > > CAUSE DECLINE AND FALL AND BLACK DEATH > > Dave "I'm crushing your puny mousewich LIEK BUG" DeLaney If there's one thing I can say about the movie "Robot Jox", it's that I was really freaked out when the script doctor accidentally crashed an a.r.k gathering for two seconds while he was walking through Harvard Square. Excuse me, I meant Aitch! Ay! Vee! Ay! Dee! Ess! Cue! You! Ee! Ay! Aitch! BURN IT DOWN BURN IT ALL DOWN I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE HERE AT HARRRRRRVARRRRRD! Whoops, I just collided at least three different kooks, one Emperor, one Dictator*, one bad newscaster, one sci-fi author, and a dead mouse. At this rate, if we keep piling up random memes, sooner or later the pile will reach sentience and Kay! Arr! You! Ess! Aitch! Why! Oh! You! Ell! Why! Ee! Kay! Bee! Oh! Gee! Aitch! -- K. * The guy who wore the salad on his head to camouflage his baldness so that women would find him more attractive while he was raping them wasn't an Emperor, therefore he wasn't as cool as the guy in the poem "The Emperor Of Ice Cream". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: MOUSE! OVEN!! Date: Sat, 11 Oct 2003 20:36:45 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 40 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-4.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065919001 5428 192.74.137.184 (12 Oct 2003 00:36:41 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 12 Oct 2003 00:36:41 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492936 [concerning a crispy critter in Tam's food-kiln] Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: > > Kurt (kurtpw@nospam.optushome.com.au) wrote: > > > > Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > > > > > MOUSE!! OVEN!!! MOUSE IN OVEN!! OVEN MOUSE!! MOUSE!! OVEN!! > > > GAAAH! MOUSE!! DEAD!! IN OVEN!!! DEAD MOUSE IN OVEN!!! GAAAAH!!! > > > HELP!!! OVEN MOUSE!!! GAAAH!!! > > > > Grate a little parmesan on top, serve on a bed of leafy green vegetables > > and drizzle with olive oil. > > (what is that, Rat Caesar?) No, the leafy green vegetables go on _top_ of the Caesar -- see my previous message in this thread. And _why_ must you people turn everything into a discussion of Julius Caesar? Are you trying to distract me from whatever I happen to be reading this weekend? > question: if you've GOT all those ingredients, what the BLOODY HELL > are you doing eating mice in the first place? Appetizer, silly. Dipped in honey and rolled in poppy seeds, eaten while reclining on a marble couch and debating the finer points of the differences between several varieties of wine they haven't made in 2000 years. Frankly, I think they all taste like vinegar, except for the ones that have completely evaporated. -- K. If it had been an Easy-Bake Oven, the mouse would still be alive, and probably very happy to be experiencing the gentle heat of the same sort of light bulb you use to keep the inside of your refrigerator from warming up. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: A Single Penny Date: Thu, 09 Oct 2003 22:02:23 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 41 Message-ID: References: <1g26bgp.kffye01k1kgayN%yoof@jwgh.org> <3F818BA0.24B386C2@bestweb.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-1.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065751348 18242 192.74.137.181 (10 Oct 2003 02:02:28 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 10 Oct 2003 02:02:28 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492686 alt.fan.beable:67797 [concerning those mean vegetarians being cruel to plants by eating them] Paddy Smith (pjsmith40@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > > > Surely there are some other > > > kingdoms of food besides plants and animals. > > > > Mushrooms, smut, and Marmite. > > Yay! The day of Quorn is come! Kibo will have to repent of his merciless > ribbing of hair-fungus-based foodstuffs now! It's the only truly > cruelty-free food there is. Well, it's cruelty-free as long as you don't feed it to anyone you care about. If you really love them, you wouldn't force them to eat food that was originally intended to be eaten only by nematodes. And smut definitely involves cruelty, especially to the people who have to eat the birthday cake afterwards, even if it's one of those videos that has a guy farting on an all-Quorn cake. You know, the sad thing about the Internet is that there's a 99% chance someone somewhere is reading this and thinking, "Wow, cool, a newsgroup just for people who like talking about people who like farting on Quorn!" -- K. The other 1% chance is that farting on Quorn is irrelevant because it's all already secretly farted on at the factory. Then, weirdos would only get turned on by the idea of finding some fantasy Quorn that hasn't been farted on. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Sorry, this is for nerds. Date: Fri, 10 Oct 2003 02:41:00 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 22 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-1.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065768060 32698 192.74.137.181 (10 Oct 2003 06:41:00 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 10 Oct 2003 06:41:00 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492727 For those of you who are still snickering over my recent "cdr" reference, here's a headline on CNN.com right now: -> 54 killed, mainly schoolgirls, in Java bus crash Those constant bus errors and NullPointerExceptions are why the Sun license says you can't use it to power your personal nuclear reactor, but they never mentioned anything about using it on manly schoolgirls. Excuse me, on mainly schoolgirls. Hopefully their bus was powered by a very old Mac, so the bus error would only have caused the detonation of one "Spy vs. Spy" bomb. If it was an Atari ST, it would have been two bombs. Or one 3-D bomb if you had the Tektronix stereo goggles hooked up. -- K. Of course, NullPointerExceptions never actually occur, because there are no pointers in Java. Poor Spot! He wasn't allowed to use Java because he was half pointer, and half manly schoolgirl! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Ow my face hurts Date: Sat, 11 Oct 2003 22:35:17 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 129 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-1.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065926172 31430 192.74.137.181 (12 Oct 2003 02:36:12 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 12 Oct 2003 02:36:12 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492952 Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > As I approach the landmark 40th year of orbiting the sun, or indeed > just marking time on this piece of dirt called Earth, I've noticed > that things aren't like they were 20 years ago. Like my beard getting > all grey, along with a lot of my other hair. > > Shameless vanity caused me to buy some Grecian Formula 16, which has > done a pretty good job of keeping my hair not too grey, but it doesn't > work on facial hair. You need to buy special stuff for that, and > apparently I have some sort of reaction to it. First time, it was > OK. Second time, some irritation. Third time, Ow Ow Ow. See, that's what happens when you turn off "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" before they give you those tips at the very end. > So, after putting up with the irritation and resulting rash for a > week, I shaved off my beard. That was a chore in itself, but trying to > keep the already angrified skin calm was trouble. I now have an angry > red patch on my face that almost exactly matches where my beard used > to lie. Applying some vitamin E cream hasn't helped too much so far. You could try buying some aloe vera gel at Trader Joe's. It's in the drink aisle. > If my rash doesn't clear up over the weekend, I suppose I'm off to the > dermatologist. But since I always ask for medical advice from ARK > before consulting the pros, I figgered I'd ask. For future reference: Look for hair dye that doesn't have fine print on the box saying not to use it on facial hair. Either buy Just For Men Mustache, Beard, & Sideburns, or just find something in the women's section without the warning. (They know that men use the stuff; Most boxes of hair bleach now have a little photo of a wannabe-Aryan guy with a platinum crew-cut staring over the shoulder of the much larger fake blond chick.) Either I'm not susceptible to irritation, or I've been very good at avoiding the bad stuff, because none of the various dyes I've used on my facial hair have caused any problems. The main bother is that most bleaches suitable for facial hair have lots of ammonia, so you have to have ammonia directly beneath your nose for half an hour, which is really unpleasant (you get used to it after you do this a few times) but you want to avoid the "no ammonia" bleaches because either they're incredibly weak (the ones that are just peroxide) or too caustic to put on your face (the ones that are lye-style drain cleaner.) If you must bleach your facial hair, suffer through the ammonia. (Dyes generally don't have as much noxious fumery compared to the bleaches.) Also, don't do the dye right after shaving or shampooing, because that'll make it more likely to irritate your hair. And whatever you do, don't put dye on your face if you have a scab or zit, because the results are too gross to consider mentioning here. Currently I've been using Clairol XtremeFX Industrial Blonde bleach (which has two large male heads and one small female head on the box, possibly indicating a straight guy and a gay guy to cover all bases) and L'Oreal Feria Power Reds R75 Flaming Red Bright Copper Red (I think this is the same shade Bozo uses. It's just plain orange dye.) Because these are women's products, each comes with four or five little tubes that have to be mixed together to make you feel special -- the Feria R75 has a jar of brown goop, a squirt bottle of white goop, a squeeze tube of orange dye, a squeeze tube of "aromatic aura" I threw away, and the usual pair of plastic gloves and free samples of generic shampoo and generic conditioner. The stuff for men tends not to come with as many accessories, except that they give you a little brush if they think you're going to put it on your mustache. My advice is to forget the brush, throw out the stamped-out Saran Wrap gloves, put on a pair of real rubber or plastic gloves, and rub the stuff in with your fingers. Just be sure to wash it out in the recommended time or less so that it won't stain the skin. A box of women's hair bleach or hair dye is enough to do your beard several times over if you mix small quantities of the stuff in a paper cup so that you can close up the little bottles and save them. It works out much cheaper than the men's products, because they have to give you enough product to cover a whole Marge Simpson 'do. (Otherwise big-haired women wouldn't be able to freak out the white tiger enough to make it drag Roy offstage to end the show early so the audience could get back to playing the sit-down slots.) Basically, if you buy your beard dye in the women's section you get the same stuff that's in the men's aisle, except packaged differently (you get a larger quantity of goo, and it takes more mixing) and the women's aisle has a larger selection of colors. Men's hair dye tends to just come in browns and blacks. (Just For Men's "Maxim" magazine-branded hair dye had a "Red Rum" color, but that one shade disappeared from stores really fast. The "Maxim" dyes were the same as the other "Just For Men" products except that the boxes always had photos of football players radiating "OKAY FOR STRAIGHT PEOPLE TO BUY" vibes.) Women's hair dye is available in a remarkable gigantic palette of colors, although you have to bear in mind that the color swatches on the boxes are always lies -- they tell you "If you put this orange dye on dark brown hair, you get bright orange hair!" which is not true (you get dark brown hair with orange highlights) because none of the dye products will actually bleach your hair appreciably, hence I buy both bleach and dye to turn my facial hair bright colors instead of its natural brown with gray stripes. A box of bleach ($10) and a box of dye ($8) are enough to redo my beard every two weeks for several months. Colored dye is one of those things which is really a unisex product but they do their damndest to fool you into thinking the men's and women's stuff are somehow different, like they do with glue guns. (Men's glue guns are black with orange trim, women's glue guns are pastel colors and slightly smaller. Really, stores think we need gender-specific glue guns. If it's for men it's for "repairs" and if it's for women it's for "crafting".) Hair dye has a second bozo dimension of fake specialization in that it also pretends to be just for white people, just for black people, just for Hispanics, etc., as if black dye has to have different identical-looking secret ingredients if it's going to be near pink or brown skin. How come there aren't separate toothpastes for men and women? Things like deodorant and soap come in both unisex and gender-specific versions (usually distinguished by adding different perfumes) but toothpaste and mouthwash and so on all seem to be unisex. You'd think there would be barbecue-flavored toothpaste for men and amaretto for women, or something. Anyway, Tom, that's what works for my beard, but it might just be that your face is just more sensitive than mine. You're probably one of those people who has to use shaving cream when he shaves. -- K. At the Walgreen's downstairs from the office, the "Just For Men" products are really well-hidden, and are nowhere near the shampoo, shaving stuff, or women's hair dye. They're seven feet off the floor, above the pantyhose-and-diaper aisle. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Ow my face hurts Date: Tue, 14 Oct 2003 23:22:46 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 46 Message-ID: References: <3F8ACD64.DEA97A82@bestweb.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-5.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066188165 4469 192.74.137.185 (15 Oct 2003 03:22:45 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 15 Oct 2003 03:22:45 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:493148 alt.fan.beable:67850 [concerning the culinary genius of Archie Plutonium, master egg-boiler, king of the paper cup, lord of the microwave] The Avocado Avenger (stacia@world.std.com) wrote: > > Glenn Knickerbocker (notr@bestweb.net) wrote: > > > > Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > > > > > [...] Also, if you are going to microwave scrambled eggs in > > > a paper cup, you need to put a plate on top of the microwave > > > turntable as well as on top of the cup, > > > > WRONG! When you microwave scrambled eggs, you have to do it in my best > > Rubbermaid bowls so I can be pissed off at you for the next 15 years! > > Uhm, hello, people? Can someone explain to me why I was not notified > that Glenn is now gay as a picnic basket? No one fills me in on anything > anymore. And I could have gone and sent all sorts of heterosexual porn > like photos to Glenn and never realized I was committing a major faux pas. Stacia, he's obviously hetero. He said he was into Rubbermaids, not Rubbermen. He's probably so straight that he doesn't even have one life-size Tom Of Finland statue in his front yard. His closet is full of cute little French maid outfits in shiny latex for prostitutes to wear while he watches them re-enact the all-spanking version of "Upstairs, Downstairs". > Tragic. Quite frankly, it's this kind of insensitivity that has turned > ARK into the cesspool of bad manners and hygiene it's become. If a.r.k is a cesspool of hygiene, you must admit that it's the best cesspool hygiene has ever soaked in. -- K. "cesspool" has two pairs of double letters, which makes it better than the word "hygiene", which is one of those words nobody can spell because no matter how you spell it, it still looks wrong, and therefore is. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: Ow my face hurts Date: Sat, 11 Oct 2003 22:51:56 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 41 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-1.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065927114 6989 192.74.137.181 (12 Oct 2003 02:51:54 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 12 Oct 2003 02:51:54 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492955 alt.fan.beable:67833 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > Tom Kraemer (tkraemer+ark@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I now have an angry red patch on my face [...] > > Have you tried rubbing the inflamed skin with LARD? Because that might > help. And even if it doesn't, we can all snicker "HAW HAW! TOM KRAEMER > IS A LARD FACE!" And it'll make it more interesting when you go to the > doctor and tell her that you rubbed LARD on your face. Just be sure to get facial-quality lard. Usually it's really expensive unless you go to a kosher supermarket, because kosher markets won't sell any low-quality lard. Go in and tell them you need a five-pound brick of facial-quality lard, and ask them if they have one with the breathing holes already poked through it. (You need to wear it until it melts completely, so you'll have to stand in a wading pool in your front yard to catch the drips, and for highly technical reasons it won't work in the back yard.) Next go to the Franklin Park Zoo, put on a gorilla costume, and break into the enclosure where the gorilla used to live before he escaped. Hop in and out over the railing a few times while shouting "Look at me! I am escaping again and again!" in a gorilla voice. Afterwards, go into any local Mafia-run newsstand that sells candy and ask, "Do you have clown-size lollipops? I need a dilly of a lolly!" If the clerk doesn't get your lollipop right away, spread a lace doily on the counter and say, "Don't delay, put the dilly of a lolly on my dainty doily, dummy!" Also, use a toy gun to pretend you're robbing him. Then find the original manuscript of Steve Martin's "Cruel Shoes" and hold a razor blade next to it while yelling "DING DONG! DING DONG!" -- K. "Damn deez doilies!" -- poem by R. P. Feynman. Hey, did he ever do anything besides writing poetry? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Siegfreid comments on Roy and Tigers Date: Sat, 11 Oct 2003 23:16:49 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 33 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-1.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065928607 17093 192.74.137.181 (12 Oct 2003 03:16:47 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 12 Oct 2003 03:16:47 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492961 "swt" (swt2@cox.net) wrote: > > Siegfried and Roy: They're grrrrrRRRRREEAT! You misspelled "FAAAAAAAABULOUS!" Also, "Put a tiger in your tank top covered with glittery sequins!" I tried to work "Bubble Tape. For you, not for them!" into this too, but I couldn't think of a way to make Bubble Tape commercials dumber, even after factoring in the vision of hell in the movie "Event Horizon" where Satan shows a video clip of people dancing around in their underwear while eating Bubble Tape and ketchup. I even tried to build an entire town out of nothing but Bubble Tape and Bubble Wrap and Bubble Yum in hopes that Mr. Bubble would move in and be my friend long enough to tell me what to do to tie Bubble Tape to Siegfried & Roy, but it didn't work because the Bubble Yum was full of tiger eggs because I forgot to stop at the Mirage gift shop to buy some of the magic powder that keeps tigers away. Fun fact: "Bubble-B-Gone" is a herbal anti-burping medicine for babies but "Bubble-B-Gone" is a silicone mold release spray. The only way to tell them apart is by whether you're shopping in a store that sells quack medicine or plaster-casting supplies for making your own Hummel figurines. If it's a store that sells both -- RUN! -- K. I hear that Schwarzengger's funny accent is the only reason he drives a Hummer -- He actually went to the dealer asking to drive around a giant plaster statue of a toddler fishing. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Now wasps are out to get me Date: Sat, 11 Oct 2003 23:40:08 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 48 Message-ID: References: <5WBhb.274965$Lnr1.247810@news01.bloor.is.net.cable.rogers.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-1.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065930005 9028 192.74.137.181 (12 Oct 2003 03:40:05 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 12 Oct 2003 03:40:05 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492969 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > Maybe they read Usenet and know how much I hate them. I managed to find a > way to escape my apartment today, despite the newly-painted floor, and went > for a walk. Only to be attacked by wasps. Not one. Not two. Perhaps > about 15 of them. And they kept trying to get in my hair. I mean, really > trying to get IN my hair. I was flailing my arms around and running in > circles because I am so deathly afraid of them but they FOLLOWED me for two > full blocks! Swarming around my head! I was running and crying and waving > my arms around like some lunatic and they just kept following me, buzzing > around my head. By the time I got home, I was shaking so bad that I could > barely get the key in the door. > > I think I just experienced a nervous breakdown. > > From today forward, I am boycotting Pert shampoo. Girlie shampoos tend to have flower smells that bugs think are real purty. This is why, after washing your hair, you should wash your hair a second time to get rid of that smell. That's the only possible reason why the bottle always says "Lather. Rinse. Repeat." Of course, then you have to get rid of the aroma from the second shampoo, so you just have to keep repeating until you've used up the whole bottle, then shave your head. You could also consider, instead of spraying your hair with Final Net, switching to Black Flag, Deep Woods Off, or a flaming Citronella tiara. And remember, "Pert" is "Twerp" spelled backwards! With two letters transposed. And with an extra letter which isn't really a letter but two letters even though its name says it's two of a different letter than the one it looks like it's two of, and its name is three syllables instead of one or two. Think about how hard they tried to disguise the "Twerp" in "Pert" next time you're enjoying a cool refreshing "Ssips" drink box. I can't believe they haven't changed that name yet. (Their Web site says they're only distributed in the eastern half of the U.S., so up in Toronto you might get a different brand, like "Enirus" or "Elknits".) -- K. The "Ssips" company should publish bad music, like the Solo cup company did with Dora Lee Hall's vanity albums, because you could play a "Ssips" record backwards to invoke the dark power of Brett Somers. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: What creatures will swarm on Tamara next? Date: Sat, 11 Oct 2003 23:56:00 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 43 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-1.std.com X-Trace: pcls3.std.com 1065930966 2871 192.74.137.181 (12 Oct 2003 03:56:06 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 12 Oct 2003 03:56:06 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:492973 So far we've heard about: * attack of the flying watermelons * invasion of the suicidal, leaf-shaped mice * wasps that like to nest in hair I put this question to the peanut gallery: What will go after Tamara next? I'm thinking something in the whole salamander / skink / anole category. Anoles would be good because they can change color from greenish-brown to brownish-green very slowly, so sleazy pet stores sell them as "American chameleons" (even though they're nothing like real chameleons) and Tam could probably make a few bucks selling them as even rarer "Canadian chameleons", provided she paints a little maple leaf on each of them to make them a proper Canadian souvenir. Also we haven't heard much about bears in the Toronto area lately (other than Carlton, who seems to be harmless except if you're carrying your popcorn past him while dressed as Spartacat) so I think we're about due for a swarm of bears swooping into Toronto. Them and pterodactyls. -- K. Speaking of deadly WASPs and other such made-up ethnic subcategories, would you say those new iPod billboards are silhouettes of BAPS or Club Kids? They all have giant hair but we may never know which they are unless we spot Martin Landau or Macaulay Culkin in the background. Every time I see one of those ads I think the opaque person against the neon color is about to do improv comedy by putting the iPod atop their head, causing Clive Anderson to buzz. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What creatures will swarm on Tamara next? Date: Tue, 14 Oct 2003 23:38:13 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 60 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-5.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066189087 11397 192.74.137.185 (15 Oct 2003 03:38:07 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 15 Oct 2003 03:38:07 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:493147 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > [thing which have menaced Tamara lately] > > > * attack of the flying watermelons > > > * invasion of the suicidal, leaf-shaped mice > > > * wasps that like to nest in hair > > > > And have you ONCE offered to save me?!? Nope. [...] > > Thanks, Kibo. You are my knight in shining armour. One does not send a knight to kill a mere mouse. That is a job for a boy, or perhaps some poisoned Kellogg's Sugar Smacks. Or both -- send the boy to kill the mouse after informing him that if he fails, he'll be forced to eat a deliciously deadly bowl of Sugar Smacks. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go slay a dragon for selling bootleg Rolexes. > > And now I have a cold [...] > > A-HA! Kibo missed the important feature of this series, namely that the > assailants are getting smaller in each round. Having jumped from wasps > straight to viruses, we can only guess that the next thing to attack Tam > will have to be the plutonium atom in the center of her brane. After > that, she will be beset by a plague of Zeno's Paradoxes. I don't think you can have more than one of those. In fact, I think you can only have point nine nine nine nine nine repetend nine of those. Perhaps she'll just be engulfed by a swarm of giant repetends. It could be worse, she could get attacked by Hero's Paradox, where no matter how many times she tried to behead the giant mouse, it would keep drinking after her sword went clear through its neck. To protect yourself from that sort of thing, keep checking your basement to make sure no guy in a toga is installing a boiler filled with fifty gallons of mercury in your basement so that he can open your front door whenever he wants to. If you find Hero sneaking mercury into your basement, you have to get rid of the mercury in a safe manner, such as by pouring it down the sink, and then challenge the guy in the toga to a game of Twister because everyone knows you can't play Twister without your toga falling off. When his toga falls off, check him for wads of tissue paper, then buy him a one-way ticket to Marseilles so that they can toss him off a cliff. That will not only get rid of him, but also prevent you from catching the plague from those viruses. -- K. I really like the idea that in the olden days miracles were faked through the use of common household vats of deadly boiling mercury. Also, in the first century, Hero could not only turn water into wine, but could turn it into multiple vintages, with portion control as good as modern Weight Watchers. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: What creatures will swarm on Tamara next? Date: Tue, 14 Oct 2003 23:31:15 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 38 Message-ID: References: <3F8A081A.6B44@mindspring.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-5.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066188670 11397 192.74.137.185 (15 Oct 2003 03:31:10 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 15 Oct 2003 03:31:10 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:493145 pete (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Speaking of deadly WASPs and other such made-up ethnic subcategories, > > My high school gym teachers came up with a variation on dodge ball, > called "nationality ball". I hear that the German team always loses nationality ball because everyone knows all Germans are faaaaaaaat. Also they have trouble running in those leather gym shorts. Except the French team always loses too because they keep surrendering. And the Canadian team loses too because it's not hockey. And the American team loses too because they spend all their time thinking up mean things to say about all the other teams. Was nationality ball supposed to teach you togetherness and unity, or just racism? ...Hmm, that's really the same thing depending on where you draw the line at who you have togetherness and unity with, and how hard you throw the ball. Another bad variation of dodgeball I hope nobody ever invents is debutante ball. You'd have to throw like a girl. A _rich_ girl. -- K. Still, it could be worse. We could be living back in Viking times when the kids would play games which hadn't yet evolved into the modern, pleasant sport of dodgeball, such as "catch the red-hot mace". And your gym shirt would be stitched to your flesh just to make it as painful as possible when you took it off -- that was back when playing "shirts vs skins" meant one team had to play without skin. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Since When Is "Nougat" a Count Noun? Date: Tue, 14 Oct 2003 23:33:45 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 27 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-5.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066188820 11397 192.74.137.185 (15 Oct 2003 03:33:40 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 15 Oct 2003 03:33:40 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:493146 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > On my desk are three happy, happy fun-size Fast Break candy bars, > recently liberated from the Administrative Assistant's office (that > will teach her to take a day off). The key ingredients are listed on > the label: milk chocolate, peanut butter, soft NOUGATS. > > One nougat, two nougats, three nougats, four. I'm very confused, and > somewhat saddened. When did "nougat" cease being a mass noun, like > water, air, corn, quorn, and meat? Well, when referring to a box of candies, you can call them "pralines" if more than one is a praline, no? And therefore, if more than one is nougatine, you can say "nougatines", no? And if you can say "nougatines" you can also say "nougats" if the candies are just like nougatines except not all iney. What I always want to know is, how come Necco SkyBars never come right out and admit they're full of oldgat? -- K. Never have I tried a Fast Break. I once made the mistake of eating a Three Musketeers and thus I have learned that not all candy contains any candy. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Since When Is "Nougat" a Count Noun? Date: Wed, 15 Oct 2003 02:50:45 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 78 Message-ID: References: <3f8cd8fa.13582871@news.eastlink.ca> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-5.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066200637 6232 192.74.137.185 (15 Oct 2003 06:50:37 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 15 Oct 2003 06:50:37 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:493224 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.moc) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > What I always want to know is, how come Necco SkyBars never come right > > out and admit they're full of oldgat? > > Because they are not. They are full of yummy fudge, yummy caramel, > yummy vanilla, and yummy peanut. You are confusing ice cream sundaes with an extruded brown wax bar containing five leaky blisters exuding congealed goo full of black gunk, yellow glass, white plastic, and oh-so-runny peanut water. Trust me, I've actually purchased a SkyBar about twenty feet away from the only machine in the world that makes them (and yes, they really only do fire it up two or three times a year, Marc Summers told me that on "Unwrapped" before he ran away screaming to wash the SkyBarf off his hands.) > You are SUCH a poseur, claiming to > know everything about yummy yummy candy! I know everything about yummy yummy candy. And I also also know everything about awful awful Necco products ducts. YOU are no expert on vile candy-shaped bars, never having walked past the Necco factory on one of the rare days they spoil fifty gallons of peanut butter in preparation for stamping out all the peanut-butter segments for next year's SkyBars. > PS: How about them Sox?! If I hear the phrase "cowboy up" on more time, I am going to throw Don Zimmer at Pedro Martinez over and over until Pedro looks like that Picasso-esque portrait of him that they tried to paint on the front window of the Fenway Star Market last year. Other phrases I never want to hear again: "boots on the ground", "SkyBar", and "cowboy boots on the ground throwing up a SkyBar." Fun fact: At the precise moment when Don Zimmer went postal at the Red Sox / Yankees game this weekend, I was about two blocks away, buying Velcro. (I live within walking distance of Fenway Park.) However, the fact that the baseball game got stupid did not affect the purchase price of my Velcro, therefore Don Zimmer is not as important to this story as my Velcro. Velcro is expensive! Anyway, none of that matters because the Senators are doing pretty well so far this season, although it's just started. Can someone please invent a special new ray gun that makes pre-season games count in the standings? Poor Felix Potvin. After only one and a half games the Bruins management have already decided they don't love him. Even though I root against his team, I feel sorry for him, what with him getting me that $20 discount on my Senators jersey. I approve of his new goalie mask, although I don't know what the hell it's supposed to be. Some sort of bearigator? Shouldn't it be a picture of an antique animated cat fighting the Kaiser, or at least Anson Williams? Also, someone should tell Magnus Arvedson that I'm not going to become a Vancouver fan just because he decided to move there. Maybe if Lalime went with him, but not just for Arvedson. He didn't even break his stick over Tie Domi's head when he had the chance last year! Darn nonviolent muscleman. How is he going to keep being famous for being big and strong and talented when he doesn't beat up the little players once in a while? Prediction: By the end of the season, there will be an incident where a hockey player and a baseball player somehow get into a fight at the same game. (Football and basketball players won't be involved because they'll all be in jail by then.) Also, Dany Heatley and Teemu Selanne will be visiting an amusement park and die in a tragic bumpercar accident. Parts of their first names will survive, but not enought to make a whole word. -- K. How come the Red Sox don't get an extra run whenever one of them slides into Don Zimmer? After all, he has the plate in his head... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Since When Is "Nougat" a Count Noun? Date: Thu, 16 Oct 2003 00:42:47 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 32 Message-ID: References: <3f8cd8fa.13582871@news.eastlink.ca> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-2.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066279364 20946 192.74.137.182 (16 Oct 2003 04:42:44 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 16 Oct 2003 04:42:44 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:493361 Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [on the Necco SkyBar] > > > > containing five leaky blisters exuding congealed goo full of black > > gunk, yellow glass, white plastic, and oh-so-runny peanut water. > > Wait, what does the fifth blister exude? It's just a blister. It's not supposed to be there. There are only four blisters pictured on the wrapper, but by the time you get the bar it's usually developed assorted blisters, rashes, and ingrown toenails. Remember when I pointed out that in the first "Happy Days" episode about Mork, he mentioned that his favorite Orkan soft drink, pinjy, "comes in five flavors: shazba, gizba, bezba, and sheeshmani" and Joanie asks for a case of sheeshmani without even asking why four equals five on Ork because Robin Williams blew his line and nobody but me noticed because it was completely nonsensical? Well, I am sorry to say that, for the duration of the sentence fragment Glenn quoted, I was almost Mork. I FEEL LIKE A NIMNUL! -- K. I hear the Necco company's original name for the product was "ScatBar", but that made lots of Germans write complaint letters about how it didn't have enough caviar. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: How to wipe out aids. Date: Wed, 15 Oct 2003 02:08:21 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 11 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-5.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066198092 23850 192.74.137.185 (15 Oct 2003 06:08:12 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 15 Oct 2003 06:08:12 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:493195 Don Saklad (dsaklad@nestle.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > Know before you go. > > Get tested together before you have sex. Does this only apply to sex in the library, or is it for real sex too? -- K. "Book sex" ain't the real kind. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: No Segway Date: Wed, 15 Oct 2003 03:16:37 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 35 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-5.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066202190 30718 192.74.137.185 (15 Oct 2003 07:16:30 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 15 Oct 2003 07:16:30 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:493247 Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > [...] > > Dude, Vespas are cool, whereas Segways are for dorks. Someone > riding a Vespa looks stylish and awesome, while someone riding > a Segway looks like a douchebag. How could you forget that George Hammond was a proud Vespa owner? I suppose you can't remember because your brain isn't fully cubical. Your head is probably the shape of the Segway's "frowney" icon. [George Hammond on his college days:] -> -> I didn't live on campus.. I lived with an old maid Aunt a mile away -> by Elm Park. Rode my Vespa-220 up the hill to Olin Hall every -> morning for 4 years... casing out every broad on the street all -> the way. Ahhhh.... those were the days! There wasn't even a helmet -> law for motorcycles. Never spent any money on condoms either. So, Joe, what's _your_ excuse for being too cheap to buy condoms? > Segways are one of the STUPIDEST INVENTIONS EVER, and anyone > who bought one should be required by law to surrender all their > income to someone else who isn't a moron who will manage it for > him/her. I can think of at least three stupider inventions: That "special" effects button on Japanese video cameras to let you shoot in negative. The machine that makes all the SkyBars in the world. And the crotchless hat. -- K. It was made out of a mixture of antimatter and Jell-O. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pop Waver brand popcorn: Don't buy it Date: Wed, 15 Oct 2003 04:26:19 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 47 Message-ID: References: <20031014211153.09528.00000158@mb-m27.aol.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-5.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066206371 25225 192.74.137.185 (15 Oct 2003 08:26:11 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 15 Oct 2003 08:26:11 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:493251 "Lots42 The Library Avenger " (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Don't buy Pop Weaver brand popcorn. Especially not the Extra Butter kind. > Their bags leak and the butter will burst into flames and kill your microwave Doodles "Pop" Weaver was a great actor, however, he should be held blameless in your accusation that he's leaking deadly butter all over your puny microwave, because, that's obviously not butter! It's some sort of sulfur-colored axle grease. I'm not saying I don't like the yellow slurry as much as real butter, I'm just saying that using the same term for the two is a crime against butter as we know it. The bizarre attempts at needless product-differentiationship and one- upmanship in microwave popcorn are astonishing: Every brand comes in "Super Butter", "Ultra Butter", "Double Secret Ultra Butter", "Nuclear Butter", "Butter Hell", and "Lite Butter Hell". Of course they all taste the same (they taste like yellow!) and of course they don't tell you you can cook ordinary, non-bagged popcorn in a microwave if you know how. (It involves putting the kernels into a bowl, putting Saran Wrap over them to keep the steam in, then nuking it, and you get clean popcorn. Then you can put a real topping on it, such as garlic butter, buffalo wing sauce, or White Castle juice.) Know what I miss? The original Jiffy Pop. The kind that would do terrible things if you owned an electric stove. I liked it because I think electric stoves are evil. They're so slow and the burners glow that weird Barbie color that can't decide if it's magenta or tangerine. The original Jiffy Pop was a masterpiece of product design -- a small package taking up little space in the supermarket, then inflating to giant size in your kitchen. Everything should be a large amount of product in a tiny package, instead of the other way around. Would you believe I just bought a bag of potato chips containing a negative number of them? After bringing the bag home, it decreased the total amount of food I had. Jiffy Pop was cool. Microwaves are just for losers and burritos. Real men cook with gas, except for burritos, which they cook in the microwave, but that's okay because they cook their burritos right at the gas station where they bought them. I have a hankering for a three-pound Exxon beef'n'bean masterpiece right now. -- K. I heard that if you put Jiffy Pop into a whoopee cushion you get perpetual motion and the scientific community suppressed this because it's too noisy. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pop Waver brand popcorn: Don't buy it Date: Thu, 16 Oct 2003 01:03:30 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 41 Message-ID: References: <20031014211153.09528.00000158@mb-m27.aol.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-2.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066280603 20946 192.74.137.182 (16 Oct 2003 05:03:23 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 16 Oct 2003 05:03:23 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:493367 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > you can cook ordinary, non-bagged popcorn in a microwave if you know how. > > (It involves putting the kernels into a bowl, putting Saran Wrap over them > > to keep the steam in, then nuking it, and you get clean popcorn. > > How big a bowl should I use, and how much popcorn? What happens when the > volume of popped popcorn pushes the Saran Wrap off the bowl? Will > popping of the unpopped kernels still continue? Don't try to make it work like Jiffy Pop. Don't try to make _anything_ work like Jiffy Pop. Jiffy Pop is magic and cannot be faked by mere mortals. Saran Wrap does not survive contact with hot substances, even delicious ones. You need a large enough bowl to contain the popped popcorn without it hitting the plastic wrap. Put a little popcorn in the bottom, stretch the plastic wrap over the top to contain the steam, then nuke it until most of the kernels pop (don't take your eyes off it.) There will be some scorched, unpopped kernels at the bottom, but duh, don't eat those. You can't get all the kernels to pop, so don't overcook it or you'll burn the ones that do pop. Also, it works best if you dress up like Orville Redenbacher, Otis Spunkmeyer, Duncan Hines, Dolly Madison, or other fictional character who spends their life extruding junk food from a giant machine. -- K. This Halloween, you could go trick-or-treating as Dolly Madison, which is easy to do -- just paint your face orange on one side and magenta on the other. Then follow some little kids around so you can show up right after any of them uses the words "blockhead", "Great Pumpkin", "augh", or "wump", except after "c". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Pop Waver brand popcorn: Don't buy it Date: Thu, 16 Oct 2003 00:53:28 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 38 Message-ID: References: <20031014211153.09528.00000158@mb-m27.aol.com> <151020032348478566%rrlindsay@comcast.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-2.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066280001 20946 192.74.137.182 (16 Oct 2003 04:53:21 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 16 Oct 2003 04:53:21 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:493362 "robert lindsay" (rrlindsay@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Know what I miss? The original Jiffy Pop. The kind that would do > > terrible things if you owned an electric stove. [...] > > I had a eletric stove as a kid. I can attest that jiffy pop would burst > into flame with distressing regularity. And that's why NASA hired you to design the space station. To make it every bit as safe as Mir. I think Val Kilmer should have smuggled some popcorn aboard Mir to play a hilarious practical joke during one of the times Mir burst into flames. Mir would have swelled up good. Except the Russians would probably have been happy about it, because it would have made their space station a lot bigger, and would have kept them from having to eat any of the mold growing on the walls. So it would have been a bad practical joke because people would have liked it. > Plus, if my dad caught us with flaming jiffy pop, we were sure to get > spanked. You have to be careful saying stuff like that on the Internet. A few single-bit transmission errors and you could wind up saying something like "...my dad caught us with flaming yiffy porn," and then suddenly the newsgroup would be full of people asking if your Pink Panther costume is anatomically correct. -- K. The Pink Panther was cool, especially the way he taught children about the importance of taking LSD before going to the boring bookstore. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exploding Popcorn Aftereffects Date: Thu, 16 Oct 2003 01:20:21 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 59 Message-ID: References: <20031015154040.17326.00001091@mb-m16.aol.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-2.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066281616 5667 192.74.137.182 (16 Oct 2003 05:20:16 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 16 Oct 2003 05:20:16 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:493369 "Lots42 The Library Avenger " (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > So I emailed the company and detailed how I believed that their product > destroyed my microwave. > > They would like to offer me a coupon for a free purchase. > > Ok, what the fuck? What, you wanted them to give you a Pop Weaver brand microwave oven that would hose down your face with flaming butter no matter what you cooked, even if it didn't contain any butter-like ingredients and you hadn't pressed "Start 'n' Squirt" yet? > Let us examine how this is stupid. The popcorn outsmarted you and triumphantly destroyed your favorite appliance, so don't question the brainy popcorn's master plan for you. I would suggest you don't let the popcorn know you're suspicious, slowly back away from the popcorn while whistling nonchalantly, then run for your car and drive to a state that doesn't have any popcorn, like Maine. Well, technically, they might sell popcorn at Bampy's, but I'm sure it's too old and soggy to pop, given that they sold me a rancid Slim Jim. How old does a Slim Jim have to be to spoil? Wouldn't it have to evolve into a food product before it could spoil? I didn't know they were making Slim Jims way back in the Cretaceous, but I have proof because that one tasted bad. > One: I believe their product's defect killed my microwave. Why would I want > more of a defective product? To kill microwaves? Also, why didn't you write to the makers of your oven as well? It seems like a non-defective oven should be able to survive a fake butter incident. You should also write to Ralph Nader, just in case he's "hip" enough to know that they sell popcorn for microwaves now. > Two: My microwave is dead. I cannot use it on popcorn. So? The package doesn't say "popcorn _must_ be cooked before eating." Go ahead and swallow the kernels whole. And if you survive, you can write to them to get a second packet of free popcorn! > In conclusion, there is some idiot in Pop Weaver hq somewhere who is being > mocked in this very post. Yeah, but he or she is probably waiting by the company's inbox giggling at the thought that they're about to receive another letter from you, saying that you broke your toaster oven when the coupon burst into flames. -- K. What's with the funny extra space in your name's hinder? Are you and lowercase robert two-space lindsay just trying to waste spaces so that someday they'll all get used up and the rest of us willbeforcedtotypelikethisyouweenie? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Exploding Popcorn Aftereffects Date: Thu, 16 Oct 2003 20:38:56 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 30 Message-ID: References: <20031016181346.07004.00000129@mb-m18.aol.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-2.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066351130 8922 192.74.137.182 (17 Oct 2003 00:38:50 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 17 Oct 2003 00:38:50 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:493441 "Lots42 The Library Avenger " (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > > > > What's with the funny extra space in your name's hinder? > > If I knew what a 'hinder' was I would attempt to answer your question. While > also mentioning cute puppies. Well, let's find out what the panel said: (Various 1970s celebrities say: "Fanny." "Keister." "Caboose." "Rump." "Derriere." "Hindquarters." "Buttocks." "Bottom." "Botty." "Bum." "Sit-Upon." "Rear End." "Tuchis." "Glutes." Lots42 gets the buzzer each time, until we get to Brett Somers, who has been yelling "OH I GOT IT I GOT IT!" for the past ten minutes, although the answer written on her blue card is "Where am I?" Gene Rayburn rules this as a match for Lots42's state of confusion and awards him the day's big prize -- fifty dollars -- and then all the celebrities take turns spanking him on the hinder, fanny, keister, caboose, rump, derriere, hindquarters, buttocks, bottom, botty, bum, sit-upon, rear end, tuchis, and glutes. But it turns out his pockets were filled with cute puppies, all of whom are now crushed. Poor Spot!) -- K. Fannie Flagg said "Ass", but Ass Flagg said "Fanny". Then she wrote that children's book about eating green tomatoes in a box, with a fox. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: check out my bitchin' head crest! Date: Thu, 16 Oct 2003 20:27:15 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 45 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-2.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066350430 19728 192.74.137.182 (17 Oct 2003 00:27:10 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 17 Oct 2003 00:27:10 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:493439 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > I was reading this article on the discovery channel's website about some > recent unusual findings on the pterosaur (flying dinosaurs, for those of > you who were never four-year-old boys.) > > [...] pterosaurs apparently had highly elaborate crests on their > heads, like cartoon paleontologists have been saying for years. pterosaurs, > according to this one guy named "S. Christopher Bennett", probably used > their crests to attract mates and intimidate rivals. > > "I know if I had one of those, women would be throwing themselves at me, > convinced of my sexual prowess and reproductive fitness, and men would > shrink from me, sure that my strength greatly exceeded theirs." > > yes, those are QUOTE MARKS. it sounds like something we'd say when poking > fun at a newspaper article about science, BUT NO, a scientist actually > said that. > > they've all gone insane. Hey, chicks dig guys with big crests on their heads. If you don't believe me, I can loan you a centurion helmet. I haven't yet determined whether they prefer medieval knights, Vikings, or Romans, but I'll keep you apprised of my research, unless Tamara locks me in her basement so I can fight off her giant mice with my sword. (And don't get me started on whether or not Vikings had horns on their helmets.) You know, if Darth Vader had glued a shoe brush to the top of his helmet, society would have collapsed because all the women in the galaxy would have wanted to have sex with him and nobody else would have gotten any. So it's no wonder that scientists have all gone insane, given that they all have shiny bald heads with no brightly-colored scrub brushes on top. This is why punk rockers who have Mohawks should become scientists so that they can be cool. -- K. So when Gomez and Morticia used to play "spin the arbalest", was that kinky enough, or was that kinky? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Appparently people in Quebec don't like masturbation Date: Thu, 16 Oct 2003 22:50:56 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 27 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-2.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066359050 19680 192.74.137.182 (17 Oct 2003 02:50:50 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 17 Oct 2003 02:50:50 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:493461 -> Slang crosses up GM -> -> By Maryanna Lewyckyj, Toronto Sun -> -> It's game over for the Buick LaCrosse in Canada. A General Motors -> executive yesterday admitted that the future Buick model -- which is set -> to debut late next year -- will be re-named in Canada after GM learned -> LaCrosse is a Quebec slang term for masturbation. Dear General Motors, Please find enclosed one (1) guide to Quebecois slang: hockey = real sex lacrosse = masturbation ringuette = girl-on-girl action five-pin bowling = drinking light beer while having sex in a canoe curling = falling asleep before sex "elb" = some form of sex absolutely nobody is interested in Sincerely, Your pal, Michael "Wanky" Moore. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: David Blaine survived, and now someone must fill the void. Date: Wed, 22 Oct 2003 00:46:11 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 47 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-6.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066797962 21356 192.74.137.186 (22 Oct 2003 04:46:02 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 22 Oct 2003 04:46:02 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:493986 MAGICIAN David Blaine somehow survived his MAGIC TRICK where he performed an amazing ILLUSION that he was in a plastic box without eating for 44 days while chatting happily on a cell phone and wearing diapers. Excuse me, MAGIC diapers. How on Earth could he have done this ILLUSION without dying? And how was I able to see him in my living room unless he used MAGIC to put himself inside a little glass and plastic box with knobs on it and a "Magnavox" logo at the bottom of the screen? Is "Magnavox" the same thing as MAGIC only not so MAGICKAL? Anyway, now people in London don't have anyone to throw things at while he's not doing anything. So I must fill this void, as people are desperate to see someone not doing stuff. I hereby announce my new COMPLETELY NON-FAKE ILLUSION which is THE WORLD'S REALEST TRICK: ---> Kibo will now be sealed inside an inescapable, indestructible, <--- ---> invisible box for 45 days, without doing ANYTHING STUPID! <--- ---> How will Kibo be able to avoid doing anything stupid while <--- ---> trapped in this box with only a giant pile of adult-size <--- ---> diapers and a computer connected to alt.religion.kibology? <--- The world's eyes and ears are now turned to Kibo. Six billion people pay close attention while they wait for Kibo to not do anything stupid... "Ladies and gentlemen, Kibo has entered the magical invisible box. And, oh no, he's put one of the diapers on his head. And now he's running around in circles yelling 'DIAPERS! DIAPERS! DIAPERS!'. And he's posting to alt.religion.kibology about how everyone is watching him yell 'DIAPERS! DIAPERS! DIAPERS!' And he's also pointing out that the moment he thought of doing this trick it counted as a stupid act and therefore this performance was over before it began. Oh, the humanity! And now, back to the newsdesk for a report on a possible new health threat to your children -- could they someday get high from carbonated milk? Sounds farfetched, but scary!" -- K. Seriously, why did David Blaine have to wear diapers? Are they what gave him the magical diaper power to sit around for 44 days? Or was it just that he couldn't install an actual camping toilet in his plastic box because only 44 days worth of diapers would be big enough to contain 44 days worth of magical Twinkies? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: David Blaine survived, and now someone must fill the void. Date: Thu, 23 Oct 2003 00:25:54 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 38 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-8.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066883143 21020 192.74.137.188 (23 Oct 2003 04:25:43 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 23 Oct 2003 04:25:43 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:494104 "Jeremy D. Impson" (jdimpson@acm.spam.org) wrote: > > Today at work I got an email with a subject "ACTION ITEM: DO NOT USE > PRINTER" from my sec'y. Fortunately she didn't ask for status on the item. I think you should change it to "AUCTION ITEM: DO NOT USE PRINTER" and sell the Do Not Use Printer on eBay. It could be one of those HP LaserJets with the special rubber rollers that decompose into black chewing gum when the printer has its fifth birthday. Some sort of Hewlett-Destructo-Packard brand rubber-like substance. I've seen latex catsuits that lasted longer than that! Speaking of not doing things at work, today I spent much of the day testing a natural-language search engine that connects to an empty database. This means people will be able to type "Where do I get a toupee for my doll?" to do a search for "toupee and/or doll", assuming the database ever contains anything other than a whole lot of files about "to come" and "see also: to come". And assuming the words "toupee" and "doll" somehow get into at least one of these documents instead of the stuff about "chmod o+x" that's supposed to go in there. At least my hands are no longer sore from building the auction item I was working on for the past four days. It's a hat and I guarantee that it will survive a few thousand years without disintegrating, unless you hold your head inside a dragon's fiery maw long enough for the metal to go all runny. (HP has claimed the gooifying of the rubber rollers in printers like mine is due to the heat of the printer running, but since I've only printed three reams of paper on it over several years I don't think it's been warm very often, but maybe I should check it to make sure it's not infested with tiny dragons. After all, it did have a bitter gourd vine growing through it once, and that's almost as bad.) -- K. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go practice saying "Gnezdovo". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I saw Kibo on Friday Date: Wed, 22 Oct 2003 01:47:45 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 40 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-6.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066801655 12816 192.74.137.186 (22 Oct 2003 05:47:35 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 22 Oct 2003 05:47:35 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:493991 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > It was rather odd seeing Kibo sitting in a clean room in east central > Florida when I'm given to understand from this chat room that he's > generally based in Boston. But as I walked into this large room there was > Kibo sitting on a large mobile platform near the wall. Kibo didn't say > anything to me or to anyone else while I was there, but that could have > been because of something done by the Japanese guys that were pushing a > large rack of electronics away from Kibo's proximity as I walked up. > > Perhaps Kibo has the flu or something as there were ropes around Kibo's > perimeter to keep people from getting too close. I'm still trying to start the rumor that the only reason they named the space station module after me was because I won a wasabi-eating contest, not something about how easy it is for an on-line poll to go horribly wrong. Of course, I cheated by eating the kind of wasabi sold in the United States. The kind which does not actually contain any wasabi, just horseradish and green pond slime, because the Japanese government has forbidden them to export any of the real stuff, even if the packages are labelled in Japanese. Check the ingredients at your local Asian grocery store -- all the imported wasabi is fake. To get the real stuff, you have to go to Japan, or Seattle, because the only real wasabi farm in America is in the state of Washington. Anyway, that's all I know about space stations. That, and Mir smelled funny because they forgot to open the doors once a day to air it out. -- K. I can't wait until I can move into my space station module and eat that cool astronaut food, like White Castles that come in little silver toothpaste tubes that look like they could be filled with toxic Bubb-A-Loons but just contain yummy White Castles. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I saw Kibo on Friday Date: Thu, 23 Oct 2003 04:34:00 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 50 Message-ID: References: <3F9748CD.A9FC5BAC@io.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-2.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066898039 15258 192.74.137.182 (23 Oct 2003 08:33:59 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 23 Oct 2003 08:33:59 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:494115 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > I'd just like to say that my local Walgreen's has a small fridged > foods section where they kept boxes of White Castles. I was pleased to > witness the phenomenon of seeing two shelves of White Castles - one > plain and one with cheez - turn into one shelf of cheez White Castles > and no plain ones were ever seen again. That's just not right. They recently opened a Walgreen's and a Stop & Shop up the hill from me, and the Walgreen's has only stocked the cheez-flavored ones, but the Stop & Shop has White Castles with and without cheez. However, they've jacked up the price so that the cheez-free ones cost just as much as the cheez ones -- FOUR DOLLARS AND NINETEEN CENTS for six. It's no wonder the good kind tend to disappear, given that nobody's going to want to buy them at that price. For the price of those six White Castles, you could buy a real hamburger! (Or half of one, if you're at Cheers.) This new plaza also has a Citizens Bank. Unfortunately, because all these stores were opened in 2003, they're all "fun 'n' friendly" in that super-cloying 2003 retail way. The Citizens Bank has the word "hello" printed on its front door in giant lowercase letters, like the store thinks it's running MacPaint. And the Stop & Shop not only has only about half the floor space devoted to groceries (it's a relatively small supermarket, but it has to have a Dunkin' Donuts counter and a large, unvisited florist department anyway) but at the exit there's a really disturbing sign saying something like "Thank you for choosing Stop & Shop today". This sign is a four-foot-square slab of translucent cherry-red plastic, with a faint, ghostly image of a shopping cart etched into the back of it. It's like if the Blob engulfed someone who was shopping and digested the person but not the metal cart. It's very disconcerting to see this big red weird propaganda square staring at you on the way out. And like all other new supermarkets (such as the giant Prudential Shaw's) they put in a Coinstar machine, but didn't realize they'd need to have a separate phone line installed just for it, so for the first few weeks the Coinstar machine was unusable. (And it still is much of the time, because they don't empty it often enough. Memo to all businesses: If you can't take any more money because your money box is full, either figure out how to empty the box, or devise a competent business plan that doesn't prevent people from giving you money when they want to.) -- K. And memo to White Castle Inc.: You could put the cheez slices in a separate little packet inside the box, and then we could all enjoy them with or without cheez as we pleez. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I saw Kibo on Friday Date: Thu, 23 Oct 2003 18:16:30 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 24 Message-ID: References: <3F9748CD.A9FC5BAC@io.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-7.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066947431 2937 192.74.137.187 (23 Oct 2003 22:17:11 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 23 Oct 2003 22:17:11 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:494172 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And like all other new supermarkets (such as the giant Prudential Shaw's) > > they put in a Coinstar machine, but didn't realize they'd need to have > > a separate phone line installed just for it, so for the first few weeks > > the Coinstar machine was unusable. > > Do you mean the change-counting machines? What does it need a phone > line for? So that it can phone home to (a) inform headquarters that it needs its coin box emptied within the next several weeks and to (b) check that Congress hasn't decided to switch the sizes of pennies and quarters. Duh! -- K. I think they also need to be able to shut the thing down remotely in case it goes berzerk and starts turning people upside down and shaking them. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I saw Kibo on Friday Date: Thu, 23 Oct 2003 00:22:33 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 38 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-8.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066882952 21020 192.74.137.188 (23 Oct 2003 04:22:32 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 23 Oct 2003 04:22:32 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:494102 Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > To get the real stuff, you have to go to Japan, or Seattle, because > > the only real wasabi farm in America is in the state of Washington. > > Takes two years for the real wasabi to grow to a harvestable size. Takes > two seconds to put green food color on horseradish. Wow, you spill paint slowly. I could dye a whole bucket of stuff green in half a second, even by accident! I suppose if it had been up to you, the movie "The Andromeda Strain" would be six hours long instead of just seeming like it, especially the part where they try to figure out how two microscopic spots of green paint could get inside the satellite. And now that we know how you spill green paint, please don't tell us about "pea green paint", or I'll have to chase you to the horizon at triple speed while Bill Clinton plays a song whose title would be an awesome Scrabble word if he had been brave enough to pass that law making proper nouns with a space in the middle legal in Scrabble. -- K. "YAKETYSAX" might be the best Scrabble word I've mentioned pretending to play today, but when it comes to words I've actually played, in high school people refused to play "Hangman" with me after I chose these three secret words: "STRENGTHS", "RHYTHMS", and "SYZYGY". Never play a word game against Kibo unless you want to be a LQQZER. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My First Encounter with B1FF!!1! Speak in the Wild Date: Wed, 22 Oct 2003 01:59:15 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 20 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-6.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066802344 12816 192.74.137.186 (22 Oct 2003 05:59:04 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 22 Oct 2003 05:59:04 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:493993 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > I got a paper from one of my tech writing students the other day that > contained the following phrase: > > 2 U > > I'm going to see if I can get him expelled. Y? SURLY THEY WEAR THE 1LY STUDDENT WH0 WAZ PERSEPTIV ENUF 2 LUV MY SUPPER-KEWL wEBtV WEBB PAGE ,,,,,,,,, U R A EV1L D00D, D00D !!!!!!!!!1 -- K. Don't go getting all Dean Wormer on my proteges! P.S. "1LY" is an improved way to spell "0NELY", in case you're too smart to figure that out. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Path: nntp.TheWorld.com!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: OK, my health update Date: Thu, 23 Oct 2003 00:27:34 -0400 Organization: http://www.kibo.com Lines: 40 Message-ID: References: NNTP-Posting-Host: pip1-8.std.com X-Trace: pcls4.std.com 1066883243 21020 192.74.137.188 (23 Oct 2003 04:27:23 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@TheWorld.com NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 23 Oct 2003 04:27:23 +0000 (UTC) X-Newsreader: none X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl X-Special-Header: u Xref: nntp.TheWorld.com alt.religion.kibology:494105 Rose Marie Holt (rmholt1@mindspring.com) wrote: > > I am going to have surgery in which someone will be monkeying around > with my bowels. Ask for Dr. Zaius. He does good work, especially with his toes. > This means I get to be in the hospital for a few days. I will pay you $50 if you post to alt.religion.kibology from the operating table to let us know whether the general anaesthetic is a complete sham like Mike Wallace probably said it was at one time or another, I don't know, I'm just guessing, but I've heard it's all faaaaaaaake. > Date is Nov 3. I hope it works. Nothing serious, just a little messing > with the Feng Shui in there. See, that's why the anaesthetic doesn't work. General anaesthetic doesn't involve Feng Shui, it involves Tai Chi -- if you don't believe me, check out Boston's monument to the invention of general anaesthesia smack in the middle of the Tai Chi zone of Boston's Public Garden. You can find it by going to where they dipped those poor baby ducks in bronze, then head west past Cheers to where all the people seem to be stuck in slow motion as if they're Lee Majors exercising underwater. > Otherwise my health is real good - my energy level is way up and I can > actually get with the concept of a 24 hour day. 24? That's all wrong! Didn't you hear? The President changed the circadian rhythm to 25 hours a few years ago! You've been missing out on an extra hour, every day! Just think of all the time you could have wasted if you had been aware this hour existed! -- K.