Date: Fri, 24 Oct 2003 01:44:59 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibology, Employment, & Big Throbbing Advice Needed Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > [...] also I would get promoted to CSR II at evaluation in April, > > and to CSR III the next year. > > You know what you get to do at level III? You get to make your own scenarios! (Sorry, someone had to say that.) > All the work that the level I people should have done but skipped > because they're pressured to pass on calls that take more than one > minute, and the level II people were too incompetent to figure out! I just realized that "CSR III" stands for "level 3 customer support representative", and not "Captain Shazbot Ray", which would be something I can fire from my fingers to turn people into nimnuls. And now I'm depressed to find out that there's no such thing as a job which involves firing my Captain Shazbot Ray at customers until I reach Level III so I can make my own scenarios. Now I'm going to go jump into the hole where the World Trade Center used to be. -- K. A good title for this essay would be: (a) "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Morks" (b) "Dungeons & Dorks" (c) "Shazbot, The Happy Half-Elf" (d) "It's a real shame that Tom Hanks movie can never be shown again" PUT YOUR PENCILS AND DICE DOWN. ----------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 24 Oct 2003 02:23:50 -0400 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: SToP THe PReSSeS!!! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology DAVID BLAINE JUST ARE SOME FRUIT SALAD! Thanks for the special report, CNN Headline News. Now that you told me that important fact, you only need to put 29 minutes and 57 seconds of filler around that actual news item. -- K. He also ate a bagel and even cheese! Eww. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The stupidest thing in the Brookstone catalog. Date: Sat, 01 Nov 2003 22:26:08 -0500 Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > We received a Brookstone catalog in the mail, and it was, naturally, > time to decide what the stupidest item for sale in it might be. > > After long deliberation, I finally decided that it was the glowing orb > that changes color to reflect the Dow Industrial Average. > > I am, however, delighted to live in a world in which anyone who needs > a glowing orb that changes color to reflect the Dow Industrial Average > will find a willing vendor. > > The homeland security alert level option is a nice touch. I refuse to buy one until they make it so that it also changes shape to reflect the age of the box of baking soda in my fridge, and changes volume to reflect who will win the Stanley Cup, and changes odor to reflect how much I regret buying the stupid thing. -- K. "orb" sounds so much better than "toy ball that can't be used as a toy ball." ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I met Beez! Date: Sat, 01 Nov 2003 22:27:15 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > Well, just to be clear here, I was just at a going away party where the > guest of honor happened to be wearing a wedding dress - the wedding of the > presumably happy couple was actually some time ago. And while there very > well may have been some artsy-fartsy type reason why she was wearing a > wedding dress at her going away party, and I may have even heard it, but my > logical military-industrial-complex type mind refused to commit any > information of this sort to memory. > > I did however think the vintage motorcycle goggles were a nice touch. Never mind that. Who got whipped? -- K. a.r.k, your newsgroup for vague allusions to how much fun S&M is, or rather how much it would be if we weren't all total nerds. Fun fact: Seconds after I typed that, Abraham Lincoln walked past me. (It's the day after Halloween, but that doesn't matter because I'm in Harvard Square, one of those places where every day is Kinky Lincoln Fetishists' Day. Maybe I shouldn't have bleached my beard.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Too Cool Date: Sat, 01 Nov 2003 22:28:24 -0500 "swt" (swt2@cox.net) wrote: > > "Whosetitanelbow" (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > > > Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > > > > > Eh, your earlier stuff was better. [WACKY BOING] > > > > > > Here is my diagram in which I summarize everything I know about being > > > cool: > > > > > > SO UNCOOL IT'S SORT OF COOL @ <- Nethack player > > > \ @ <- snail > > > _\| _______ * <- Kurt Vonnegut's ASCII-hole > > > .' '. <- barbarino opti-cool > > > INCREASINGLY | SORT OF | <- barbarella illusion: > > > UNCOOL ^ * ^ INCREASINGLY COOL <---> > > > | LAME | <- barbie >---< > > > liber- ---> '._______.' <- TRAGICALLY HIP > > > tarianism ^ > > > | /( o\ <- cool/anticool > > > YOU ARE HERE \o )/ dualism > > .<---PERTH ^ > | > \___But having determined your position, > _ ..._ you've changed your velocity. So > .' _ `. <-- Bee now you're over here: \ > : /_/_ : in a \ > :=O(_))))-: balloon ___/ > `. \_\ .' *<-------' > `-.:.-' Well, I'm glad to see that the special effects in this new "Blake's 7" movie are faithful to the original show. I can still see the big shimmery circle around the Liberator as the spiky yet completely two-dimensional spaceship slides across the screen. But this time they forgot to tint the spaceship's "O" green to keep it from being a 100% black and white photograph. "Blake's 7" fans demand no less than 5% color photography, and certainly no more! -- K. However, I'm still unclear on which Space Commander Travis was the less pathetic villain -- The one with the hole in his eyepatch and a heavily-padded butt, or the one with the even bigger hole in his eyepatch and no acting ability whatsoever. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: E=MC^psycho Date: Sat, 01 Nov 2003 22:29:55 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Anyhow, we also had "Secret Witch" day. Three days of putting > Halloweenie trinkets on people's desks with a clue about who we are. > My Secret Witch forgot until mid-day, when they managed to care enough > to buy a Reese's from the vending machine and put it on my chair. The > clue? "I can make three loops with my tongue." > Yes, that's right, I got the psychotic-yet-forgetful Secret Witch. > Why, oh why, can't some psychotic woman hit on me when I'm NOT at > work? Because you're in a part of the country that doesn't have a Harvard Square. But never mind that. What size and style of Reese's was it? Was it one of those rectangular packets with two large candies? Or was it a single piece of the candy? Was it fun size? Funner than fun size? Funnest size which is so much fun you need an electron microscope to find it? Creamy? Crunchy? Chunky? Explody? Could've been worse, could've been a factory reject Necco SkyBar with all four segments filled with the rancid peanut butter sludge. (Actually, I think the goo doesn't even count as peanut butter, just peanut ghee. Ghee goo -- gaah!) The Necco factory is a short walk from Harvard Square, if you want to get all your weirdness for the year in one day. -- K. I wish the woman with the fluorescent rhodonite skin would shut up and burn Harvard down already. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: E=MC^psycho Date: Tue, 04 Nov 2003 02:11:25 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > [concerning the inside-out Reese's candy nobody loves] > > The outside is a strange color, too, did you notice that? Sort of a > matte beige. A completely fake color with no equivalent in reality. > And the inside is a rehydrated, formerly powdery dark brown substance > which Hollywood movie studios must use when they need edible dirt. > Except it's not edible. But every day, most Americans eat something that's not edible. I'm talking about those orange cubes with one fuzzy black corner that pass for carrots in Campbell's soup, and that gravel they glue on soft pretzels at the mall, and the dark thing that runs along the back of shrimp, and the particle-board pellets separating the marshmallows in Lucky Charms, and the ground-up teeth they put in Orange Julius drinks. But that's beside the point. Which movies have you seen about edible dirt? -- K. I have no tolerance for Orange Julius. However, I just might be Orange Lucius or Orange Gnaeus. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: E=MC^psycho Date: Tue, 04 Nov 2003 02:03:32 -0500 kerri (kerri9494@hotmail.com) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > But back to Reese's. Those inside out peanut butter on the outside > > Reese's are DISGUSTING. I expect Kibo to post about them forthwith. > > They are so double plus vile that it makes my eyes water to even talk > about them. > > The peanut butter outside is a hydrogenated blob of ferret musk, while > the so-called choklit inside tastes like charcoaled corn-dog batter > rolled in extra salt. Stacia, why should I post about how awful they are when everyone else already hates them? That wouldn't hurt _anyone's_ feelings! I can only post about how gross they are if someone, somewhere, is enjoying having one in their mouth so that they can do a proper spit-take and run to wash their mouth out with nickel pickle. > They were the most popular candy I gave out this year. YAY! SOMEONE LIKES THEM! Okay, I haven't actually tried any of these candies, but I would like to say I had the idea for them several years ago, because I'm evil. The orange parts are made from congealed grease scraped off the machine that makes Taco Patty, except that they add more lard to make sure this candy can't be confused with Lardo, which is only 99% lard. Then, a dirty hypodernic needle found in a Chik-Fil-A restroom is used to inject the things with a mixture of used crankcase oil, extract of plantar warts, and whatever godless brown toxin is used to make Sixlets. Okay, I'll stop here, because now we're back to nobody liking them. Anti-Reese's are now officially the worst thing in the world. AND THAT MEANS PEOPLE MUST LIKE ME BETTER THAN SOMETHING! HOORAY FOR HOW INCREDIBLY AWFUL THIS CANDY I'VE NEVER TRIED IS! > I would rather eat a radioactive New Jersey clam belly dipped in sour > milk and coated with a full tablespoon of chili-pepper seeds, > accompaied by a garnish of julienned durian. The seeds aren't the spiciest part. Also you can't julienne a durian -- that's be as implausible as carving waffle fries out of pudding. > But Ut Oh Oreos are pretty good. What about "Oops! All Berries!"? -- K. And "Shit, It's Quorn!" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: E=MC^psycho, Secret Witch Update!!!1! Date: Sat, 01 Nov 2003 22:31:09 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > My Secret Witch forgot until mid-day, when they managed to care enough > > to buy a Reese's from the vending machine and put it on my chair. The > > clue? "I can make three loops with my tongue." > > Today's clue: "I was almost ordained as a minister last month." > This is shaping up to be a real hootenanny. A defrocked > (pre-frocked?) near minister who practices tongue gymnastics? I want to know how you can be almost a minister. What, did she forget to stamp the postcard before she sent to to the Universal Life Church? Did she mistakenly send Ivan Stang $19 instead of $20? Was she so behind the times that she tried to send a self-addressed stamped envelope to PO Box 722, Boston 02116? When Pope John Paul II abolished the office of advocatus diaboli just so that nobody would stop him from canonizing Mother Theresa the moment she died, did the unemployed advocatus diaboli start following this woman around slapping her hand away from the mailbox whenever she attempted to send in an application to one of these fine organizations? Tell you what, Stacia. I hereby ordain the woman as a Ministron and/or Gender-Neutral Priestoid of Kibology. So as long as you don't tell her that, your Secret Witch can also be your Secret Minister. Don't let her know that she has the power to marry you! She could marry you to something like a Zip-Loc bag of gummi worms and it would be legally binding, at least on the Internet! -- K. (On the Internet, not everything is legal, but everything is legally binding.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Instant Review: New $20 Bills Date: Sat, 01 Nov 2003 22:56:11 -0500 Jacob W. Haller (yoof@jwgh.org) wrote: > > Does dipping a twenty dollar bill in grape juice really make it harder > to forge? Yes, because Polident is an essential part of the counterfeiting process. If your bills are sparkling clean, they must be fake! > Also, did Alexander Hamilton's shoulders really look like that? I'm more concerned that he's sucking his Everlasting Gobstopper too hard. It might explode in his mouth... if he's lucky! Otherwise, he'll wind up swallowing his own face! > INSTANT REVIEW ends here, but some additional notes: > > I did a little poking around the web to see if I could find pictures of > the new $20 bill, and I found one on the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and > Printing's website, MONEYFACTORY.COM (classy!): > > http://www.moneyfactory.com/newmoney/images/currency/big_bill_front.gif Do the new bills really have that giant margin? The previous bills all had big margins to help you not notice that American money is so poorly- printed that the plates shift around a lot (the fronts and backs had different large margins to make it less likely that you'll notice there's no registration between the front and back, let alone between the green and the black) but the bill in this picture has even bigger margins. The bills might be harder to counterfeit if they tried printing on more than just the middle third of each side. > I am interested to note that they felt it was necessary to put > 'SPECIMEN' in bright red letters on the image they put up of the new > unforgeable money. Yes, because forgers think they're being clever when they take off the word "SPECIMEN", but it really is on all the real bills. If you get one that doesn't say "SPECIMEN", it's worthless, and you should send it to me for disposal. -- K. "SPECIMEN" is on the money because we've switched from the gold standard to the golden shower standard. Next time your doctor asks you to give a specimen, charge $20 for it. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibotrix Date: Sun, 02 Nov 2003 03:12:24 -0500 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > "Lots42 The Library Avenger " (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > > > If Kibo woke up in a strange cocoon, next to uncountable thousands of > > other cocoons filled with people...he'd probably think 'Damn, this is > > going to take a lot of explaining to do on A.R.K.' > > no, he'd just say "last night I dreamed I was Sir Richard Burton. again. > and again. and then Mark Twain taught a troglodyte to perform stand-up > comedy on his space steamboat until he was attacked by a lesbian airplane > pilot." Which Sir Richard Burton? The one who was married to Liz Taylor or the one who drew the picture of himself making an obscene gesture which one of the editors of "The Book Of Lists #3" attempted to re-draw from a memory of hearing a rumor about it? And can Liz Taylor be Lez Taylor, airplane pilot, at the same time also being Joan Crawford, Teacher Of Trogs And Other Olodytes? And can Mark Twain be some sort of Ziff-Davis tradename for a bogus suite of tests for flatbed scanners' standards-compliance? And can the space steamboat have a big disco where Yogi Bear hangs out? This isn't very good, so I'm not ever going to post this. Also, Lots42, fix the spacing in your name already or I'm going to take away your black leather trenchcoat and replace it with something dorkier, like a T-shirt with a photo of yourself holding a coffee mug with a photo of yourself captioned "WORLD'S MOST RADICAL GRANDMA". -- K. Waking up in a strange cocoon makes me grumpy. However, waking up in a familiar cocoon is fine. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Austrian Evel Knievel Date: Sun, 02 Nov 2003 03:23:28 -0500 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > my newsreader's font size is still pretty small for someone with eyes as > feeble as mine, so I thought this thread topic was "autism's evel knievel'. > which, I must say, sounds like a great idea for a new daredevil's act, > assuming he's legitimately autistic. > > I'm not sure what it would involve, though. would he rock back and forth on > his motorcycle and screech whenever you said the word "touch"? I'd feel pretty ripped off if I paid just to see him ride up to the row of school buses and say "Thirteen, definitely thirteen buses, yeah, gotta watch 'Match Game'," and then ride away. Unless, of course, he was laughing maniacally while accompanied by a bunch of floppy bats made from sections of neoprene wetsuits glued to dowel rods being waved by people crouching behind those chest-high brick walls that are everywhere in the Muppet world and also in "Peanuts", which proves my theory that Charlie Brown isn't real, he's just a hand puppet. Now give me my money and color me gone, suckers, I gotta go watch "Match Game"! (Kibo peels away on his motorcycle and everyone else goes home disappointed as Kibo rides towards the sunset. Then, when nobody is looking, Kibo jumps his cycle over the Sun.) -- K. Actually, I don't think a real autistic savant would like "Match Game". They'd probably prefer a game show based on "Cootie" so they could see Jamie Farr not rolling that sixth six six over and over and over and over. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: I swear, I had little to nothing to do with this. Date: Tue, 04 Nov 2003 01:48:07 -0500 Boring little news flash: -> FCC Wants to Fine AT&T Over 'Do Not Call' -> Mon Nov 3, 4:52 PM ET -> -> By JONATHAN D. SALANT, Associated Press Writer -> -> WASHINGTON - AT&T faces a $780,000 fine for reaching out and -> touching consumers who had asked to be left alone, federal -> regulators said Monday. Oh no! The giant phone company could go bankrupt if they accidentally write an extra nine zeroes on the end of the check when they pay the fine! And then thousands of complete assholes would be out of work! -> The Federal Communications Commission said it was the first major -> penalty for violating do-not-call rules for telemarketers. -> -> The FCC said AT&T made 78 phone calls to 29 consumers who had -> asked the company to leave them alone. The proposed fine is -> $10,000 per call. 78 calls to 29 consumers? Hmm, apparently by this metric I've been several thousand consumers during my lifetime. I don't know whether or not AT&T has tried to call me because I decided to modify my phone in a very special way around the time the government was thinking it might be a good idea to regulate telemarketing. (My phone has a little switch on it which I only turn on by special appointment. And you can only make the special appointment by calling me. Which you can't. Because I'm too important to ever have to use a phone. Nyah.) -> "This puts telemarketers on notice that we will take all -> measures necessary to protect consumers who chose to be left -> alone in their homes," FCC Chairman Michael Powell said. -> -> The fine is based on alleged violations of FCC rules that -> require companies to maintain lists of people who have said they -> do not want to be called with sales pitches. It is separate from -> the do-not-call list maintained by the Federal Trade Commission, ...you know, the one maintained by the FTC at http://www.att.att.att.com/att/a/t/and/t/att/ftc/att/donotcall.att. -> which allows consumers to put their numbers off limits to a -> variety of companies. -> -> AT&T spokesman Bob Nersesian said the company plans to respond -> to the complaint and has 30 days to answer it. The company -> issued a statement Monday saying it had not seen the specific -> allegations. I don't recall receiving a copy of this statement. Oh, wait, it must be because I had my phone turned off when they auto-dialed everyone today. -> "We set a very high priority on respecting do-not-call requests -> and have even urged our customers to sign up for the FTC -> do-not-call list," the statement said. In a related story, Ronald McDonald emphasized that he always tells people to boycott fast food, and a Disney spokesliar insisted that they only ever asked people to watch German kaviar porn. -> "We want to stress that this FCC investigation is not based on -> the nationwide do-not-call list that went into effect in October." However, Disney's recommending a German kaviar video which _is_ based on the nationwide do-not-call-list. -- K. Is "German kaviar video" redundant, or are there any gross people outside Germany? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I swear, I had little to nothing to do with this. Date: Fri, 07 Nov 2003 02:58:01 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > However, Disney's recommending a German kaviar video [...] > > Is "kaviar" a metaphor for something else? Yes. Except "metaphor" isn't the right word for "secret code euphemism used for something else because if the box actually gave you a clue what was on the tape you'd run out of the pornography store screaming and crying and would then poke your eyes out like Tieresias so you'd never have to watch one of those tapes if you accidentally bought it." Let's just say that "kaviar" is the German porn industry's term for something that can't even be mentioned on the Internet. -- K. And it has nothing to do with accelerator pedals, birthday cakes, white eggplants, TIE fighter control panels, or a talking sweater that knits other sweaters from angora fur. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Charbroiled oven mice Date: Wed, 05 Nov 2003 01:08:20 -0500 Tamara (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > In my previous post, I neglected to mention the wee mishap that happened > while I was out at the video store last night. > > I was going to make baked potatoes for dinner. I bought some nice spuds Were they old-fashioned VHS spuds or those new DVD spuds that don't let you skip all the commercials underneath the skin? > and coated them in butter and wrapped them in foil and chucked them into > the oven. Then I left Fool in charge while Joe and I went out to the video > store. > > We came home a half an hour later to FIRE!!! Fool was running around > frantically dousing everything with water and trying to stop the smoke alarm > from screeching. There was water EVERYWHERE! > > What had happened was that some butter dripped onto the bottom of the oven > and it started to get all smoky. Fool decided to take the potatoes off the > rack and place them on a cookie sheet to stop the smoke. On an UNWASHED, > OILY COOKIE SHEET!! Which promptly burst into flames. Next time, use the microwave. Microwave ovens do great baked potatoes. Just be sure to wrap the aluminum foil around the potatoes really tightly before cooking them for fifteen minutes at full power or higher. Also, if you have any of those DVD potatoes, turn off the kitchen lights so you can watch the fireworks. > There is a very good reason why I don't let him anywhere near the kitchen. So what DID you rent at the video store? WHY aren't you telling us? WHICH was it, "Baby Geniuses" or "Baby Geniuses 2: Superbabies"? -- K. Was it the special Toronto edition of "Baby Geniuses" where all the babies are dubbed by Don Cherry, Mike Bullard, and Harry Stinson? (Oops, I think I accidentally wrote a sketch for "Royal Canadian Air Farce".) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Why I'm even more disenchanted with my new local Stop & Shop supermarket. Date: Wed, 05 Nov 2003 01:25:06 -0500 Okay, so it smells less like rotting horse heads than the old Calumet market did, but the new semi-supermarket-size Stop & Shop still isn't very good. Another Stop & Shop I sometimes visit, the one at South Bay Plaza (by the Super 88 Supermarket) sells store-made chicken pot pies which I never buy because (a) they're watery and made with grade Z chicken thigh and/or butt meat, and (b) more than once I've seen pot pies in that store with bright green penicillium mold growing underneath the plastic wrap. I was hoping the standards might be better at the new store because it's not old enough to have had much time to learn to suck, but alas, that's not the case. About a week ago they had some refrigerated "SCOTCH MEAT PIES" which looked quite good (especially as the ingredients did not contain any sort of vegetables or potatoes to contaminated the nice beef pies) and I bought a pair (they come in twos) and when I got home and ate them... ...and inside, THEY WERE THE RUNNY CHICKEN-VEGETABLE-SOUP ONES! So I figured they put the wrong sticker on and vowed to wait a while before giving them a second chance. A week later, I bought another package of the "SCOTCH MEAT PIES" and they were also the runny chicken pies with the chewy grayish-brown chicken wads inside. This means that either Stop & Shop doesn't know the difference between ground beef and a can of chicken-carrot soup, or else they're selling week-old deli products as if they're fresh. Or perhaps it's a formal policy to always put the wrong stickers on the deli products in an effort to destroy the American way of life. I wish I was deathly allergic to chicken, carrots, and water so that I could sue Stop & Shop for different three reasons after I died. -- K. This is the market that had moldy bagels in the bread section less than a week after they opened. I missed their first day of business, so I don't know if the bagels were fresh then, or if they trucked in pre-moldied ones from South Bay Plaza. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why I'm even more disenchanted with my new local Stop & Shop supermarket. Date: Fri, 07 Nov 2003 02:46:59 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.moc) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > it smells less like rotting horse heads than the old Calumet market did, > > but the new semi-supermarket-size Stop & Shop still isn't very good. > > Okay clearly this is a naive question, but why do you shop at these > horrible places? I have it on good authority that Bahstan is a pretty > big ol' city, and I figure therefore that there must be some large, > well-lit, well-stocked, frequently inspected and fairly > quality-consistent food emporia in the area. Why then do you persist > in shopping at smelly smaller stores that are stuffed with moldy, > insect-infested, soured, expired food-like substances that one day > will most certainly make you terribly ill? Or at least gross you out > beyond even your ability to describe? Is it *just* for our > entertainment? You are some kind of really great guy. Really. > Because I laugh my not inconsiderable ass off at this shit. Amazing. Well, see, those of you who live in the Midwestern fly-around states (the ones the plane takes a couple extra hours to go around to avoid passing over them when it goes over a bunch of fly-over states on its route between the only two important cities in North America, Hollywood and Boston) don't realize that in big cities, all the produce is horrible because we don't cotton to farmers around here, and most of the other supermarket products are also rancid, because that way they hope you won't notice that the produce is rotten. Also people pee all over everything all the time (especially in Hollywood) and dump their kitty litter out the window, or if they live on the ground floor, they go into the supermarket to do it. Also there are rotting corpses everywhere from all the drive-by shootings (they don't get cleaned up because there's always a garbage strike.) So if you live in one of those uninhabited fly-around states (such as Iowa, Montana, or Quebec) you can't truly appreciate the never-ending wonders which festoon the only two real cities. The reason I occasionally shopped at Calumet (which was small, pricey, and really smelly) was that it was one block from where I live. That's where this new Stop & Shop is. Usually I prefer to buy my groceries at the giant new Shaw's Market at the Prudential Center (the replacement for the odd L-shaped Star Market which used to be full of crazy people whenever I went there at midnight) or the smaller Star by Fenway Park. All the other markets in the area are also the same two chains (Star is Shaw's, Stop & Shop is the only other option) because the only other flavors of supermarkets (such as Foodmaster or Save-A-Lot) are out in the suburbs. Oh, there are Trader Joe's locations all over now, but they don't really count as quality supermarkets. There are also a number of Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, kosher, and hippie grocery stores in Boston and Cambridge, but none of those have the kind of frozen White Castles I like. (Tip: if the box says "White Castle" in Cyrillic, don't buy it.) Here is my list of the all-time smelliest supermarkets in the Boston area: 1.) Mei Tung. I haven't been there in a few years. The times I've been there, it smelled like Walt Disney did a science experiment involving a roomful of mousetraps loaded with poo. 2.) Calumet. Smelled like the floors were mopped with a wad of oozing ground beef on a stick. I'm so glad it's gone. 3.) Parts of the Super 88 Supermarket. However, it's so huge that you can spend all day there without ever accidentally wandering into the Fish Stink Zone, the Meat Stink Zone, or the Aisle Of Jars Of Foamy Purple Stuff Which Used To Be Fermented Shrimp. I haven't found out what's going to be put in where the Prudential Star was. Shortly before that location closed, I noticed the floor was starting to collapse in the produce section, so I hope they're not going to use that space for any sort of store that sells heavy stuff. Like, maybe they'll open a new Beadworks location there, but they'll have to be careful to keep only a teaspoon of beads in stock or the store will fall into the core of the Earth, destroying three dollars' worth of glass beads priced at twenty thousand dollars. -- K. If you really want to hear about stores that suck, ask me, "Kibo, what was Lechmere?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why I'm even more disenchanted with my new local Stop & Shop supermarket. Date: Fri, 07 Nov 2003 02:19:02 -0500 Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > ...A week later, I bought another package of the "SCOTCH MEAT PIES" > > and they were also the runny chicken pies with the chewy grayish-brown > > chicken wads inside. > > > > This means that either Stop & Shop doesn't know the difference between > > ground beef and a can of chicken-carrot soup, or else they're selling > > week-old deli products as if they're fresh. > > Or the Stop & Shop Executive Who's In Charge of Meat-filled Pastry > Products took a wrong turn somewhere during his/her visit to Scotland, > and wound up staying at a guest home run by a particularly penurious > pensioner, who used runny, carrot-fed chickens in her Scotch pies > instead of paying a few more pence for beef. And the S&SEWICoMPP was so > impressed he decided that Stop & Shop should follow suit. And a > marketing injustice was born. That Scottish tradition dates back to the days of old Caledonia, as evidenced by this inscription found in an old Roman fort: ABEMUS INCENA PULLUM PULLUM STOPUM SHOPUM BURMUS SHAVUS Below it there was something along the lines of "Aemilius Celer wrote this entirely by himself with his eyes closed and both hands tied behind his back and anyone who doubts that he is the greatest, and most succinct, sign-writer of all time will be cursed with a plague of boils not unlike the ones which killed all the chickens that had to be made into Stop & Shop's pies." > I thought the Scots' skinflint reputation was overdone, until I stayed > at a B&B in Edinburgh, and the landlady once came in and asked me why I > had the light on in my room during the day. "Well, I'm trying to read," > I explained, "and even though it's day-time, there's not still not > enough sunlight coming through the windows for me to see very well." > "It's just that it adds to our electrical bill, keepin' it on during the > day," she said. "Perhaps you could go and read in the city library." It's possible that electricity is incredibly expensive in Scotland. That's why they've never been able to afford any of life's luxuries, such as cameras that can take photos of the Loch Ness Monster in color and/or in focus. -- K. Then Aemilius Celer put down his brush, and Pee-wee Mussolini and Replacement Fay Wray came in and she asked, "But where are my sons?" and Hannibal Lecter said "I'm gonna make 'em taste these meat pies!" and everyone screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" From a movie based on a supermarket advertising flyer written by William Shakespeare with his eyes closed and both hands tied to Aemelius Celer's bedposts. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Who's Going to Eat All of This Cottage Cheese? Date: Fri, 07 Nov 2003 03:20:00 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > What was I thinking when I bought a 2-lb vat of cottage cheese? I > mean, besides "Mmmm . . . cottage cheese." Here, Mr. Paradore, I'm giving you back the purple polyester clip-on bow tie and the orange polyester double-knit vest and the shovel because I QUIT! And I hope you and your supermarket chain never go out of business after any difficulties with those pesky child labor laws! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go home and let my AFL-CIO membership lapse! P.S. I'm going to tell everyone in the world about your watermelons. > It's yummy with tropical fruit cocktail, and I've been eating it > nearly every day as a satisfying side dish with my lunch. But, my > goodness, two pounds is a lot of cottage cheese. > > Also, large curd cottage cheese is Just Not Right. I was going to say something about the famous "large curd" segment of "Tandid Tamera", but I don't think I could get the letters to swap around right. I'm not a genius like Allen Tunt. So I'll just mumble something about this paragraph almost containing a reference to a throwaway line in an early-1980s issue of "National Lampoon" and leave well enough alone. -- K. And now, Allen Tunt will eat a Large Curd Lemon Tart. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: _%f!r$ ChristinaAguilera at her hotest _%f!r$d@ Date: Fri, 07 Nov 2003 03:37:12 -0500 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > "whatever" (zvepuatp@xteotaso.com) writes: > > > > She has never been this bad yummy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > > NEW MEME DETECTED!!: > > --> SHE HAS NEVER BEEN THIS BAD YUMMY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Acting class, week three: Say "Oh, I'm gonna give you such a bad yummy!" with every possible intonation. Sexy, scary, boring, pedantic, and so on. That comes between week two (when you practice lying on your back and saying "HA! HA! HA!" as loud as you can to strengthen your diaphragm if you just do this for eight hours a day) and week four (when you practice being a tree. Not acting like a tree. BEING a tree.) Other places this meme will show up include: * Signs taped to pyramids of cans at the supermarket * Commercials for Chick-Fil-A involving Christina Aguilera having sex with a chicken * USA Today's weather map * That new Fox sitcom that really, really, really wishes it were "The Royal Tennenbaums" * inside William Shatner's hair (where he stores memes for the winter) ...and then it will officially be over and we can focus on using the next cool new meme. I don't know what it will be. All's I know is that it probably won't be "Hey, Pantocles, where's your pants?" -- K. ...that's because Pantocles always wears pants. Also nobody knows who he is because Shakespeare forgot to publish that play about him. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New reality TV show idea that would actually be watchable. Date: Thu, 13 Nov 2003 00:41:01 -0500 Now here's an idea that will knock the television industry on its-- (Kibo is about to say the word "ass" but the picture freezes with the sound of a phonograph needle being dragged across the Victrola, which is what happens in every TV commercial that doesn't feature the word "ass".) Excuse me. I would like to tell you my idea, and this time I promise not to almost use the word "ass". I hereby claim dibs on being given a billion dollars for thinking up this new reality TV show idea. If you do anything about this article, you owe me a billion dollars. Know those Navy SEALs who travel around browbeating liars who pretend to be SEALs until they cry like little girls? Every week, send them after a different spammer. I would watch that. And if you don't agree that my idea of SEALs chewing out spammers is the greatest idea in human history, think about this: Jesse Ventura is a SEAL, and you know this idea is great because this show wouldn't turn out stupid even if Jesse Ventura were in it! At last, we've found a respectable use for Jesse Ventura! -- K. For variety, every once in a while it should be the Toronto Maple Leafs instead of SEALs. Or instead of spammers.