From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why I'm even more disenchanted with my new local Stop & Shop supermarket. Date: Fri, 07 Nov 2003 02:19:02 -0500 Sean (linwood17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > ...A week later, I bought another package of the "SCOTCH MEAT PIES" > > and they were also the runny chicken pies with the chewy grayish-brown > > chicken wads inside. > > > > This means that either Stop & Shop doesn't know the difference between > > ground beef and a can of chicken-carrot soup, or else they're selling > > week-old deli products as if they're fresh. > > Or the Stop & Shop Executive Who's In Charge of Meat-filled Pastry > Products took a wrong turn somewhere during his/her visit to Scotland, > and wound up staying at a guest home run by a particularly penurious > pensioner, who used runny, carrot-fed chickens in her Scotch pies > instead of paying a few more pence for beef. And the S&SEWICoMPP was so > impressed he decided that Stop & Shop should follow suit. And a > marketing injustice was born. That Scottish tradition dates back to the days of old Caledonia, as evidenced by this inscription found in an old Roman fort: ABEMUS INCENA PULLUM PULLUM STOPUM SHOPUM BURMUS SHAVUS Below it there was something along the lines of "Aemilius Celer wrote this entirely by himself with his eyes closed and both hands tied behind his back and anyone who doubts that he is the greatest, and most succinct, sign-writer of all time will be cursed with a plague of boils not unlike the ones which killed all the chickens that had to be made into Stop & Shop's pies." > I thought the Scots' skinflint reputation was overdone, until I stayed > at a B&B in Edinburgh, and the landlady once came in and asked me why I > had the light on in my room during the day. "Well, I'm trying to read," > I explained, "and even though it's day-time, there's not still not > enough sunlight coming through the windows for me to see very well." > "It's just that it adds to our electrical bill, keepin' it on during the > day," she said. "Perhaps you could go and read in the city library." It's possible that electricity is incredibly expensive in Scotland. That's why they've never been able to afford any of life's luxuries, such as cameras that can take photos of the Loch Ness Monster in color and/or in focus. -- K. Then Aemilius Celer put down his brush, and Pee-wee Mussolini and Replacement Fay Wray came in and she asked, "But where are my sons?" and Hannibal Lecter said "I'm gonna make 'em taste these meat pies!" and everyone screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" From a movie based on a supermarket advertising flyer written by William Shakespeare with his eyes closed and both hands tied to Aemelius Celer's bedposts. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Why I'm even more disenchanted with my new local Stop & Shop supermarket. Date: Fri, 07 Nov 2003 02:46:59 -0500 Darla Vladschyk (DarlaVladschyk@hotmail.moc) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > it smells less like rotting horse heads than the old Calumet market did, > > but the new semi-supermarket-size Stop & Shop still isn't very good. > > Okay clearly this is a naive question, but why do you shop at these > horrible places? I have it on good authority that Bahstan is a pretty > big ol' city, and I figure therefore that there must be some large, > well-lit, well-stocked, frequently inspected and fairly > quality-consistent food emporia in the area. Why then do you persist > in shopping at smelly smaller stores that are stuffed with moldy, > insect-infested, soured, expired food-like substances that one day > will most certainly make you terribly ill? Or at least gross you out > beyond even your ability to describe? Is it *just* for our > entertainment? You are some kind of really great guy. Really. > Because I laugh my not inconsiderable ass off at this shit. Amazing. Well, see, those of you who live in the Midwestern fly-around states (the ones the plane takes a couple extra hours to go around to avoid passing over them when it goes over a bunch of fly-over states on its route between the only two important cities in North America, Hollywood and Boston) don't realize that in big cities, all the produce is horrible because we don't cotton to farmers around here, and most of the other supermarket products are also rancid, because that way they hope you won't notice that the produce is rotten. Also people pee all over everything all the time (especially in Hollywood) and dump their kitty litter out the window, or if they live on the ground floor, they go into the supermarket to do it. Also there are rotting corpses everywhere from all the drive-by shootings (they don't get cleaned up because there's always a garbage strike.) So if you live in one of those uninhabited fly-around states (such as Iowa, Montana, or Quebec) you can't truly appreciate the never-ending wonders which festoon the only two real cities. The reason I occasionally shopped at Calumet (which was small, pricey, and really smelly) was that it was one block from where I live. That's where this new Stop & Shop is. Usually I prefer to buy my groceries at the giant new Shaw's Market at the Prudential Center (the replacement for the odd L-shaped Star Market which used to be full of crazy people whenever I went there at midnight) or the smaller Star by Fenway Park. All the other markets in the area are also the same two chains (Star is Shaw's, Stop & Shop is the only other option) because the only other flavors of supermarkets (such as Foodmaster or Save-A-Lot) are out in the suburbs. Oh, there are Trader Joe's locations all over now, but they don't really count as quality supermarkets. There are also a number of Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, kosher, and hippie grocery stores in Boston and Cambridge, but none of those have the kind of frozen White Castles I like. (Tip: if the box says "White Castle" in Cyrillic, don't buy it.) Here is my list of the all-time smelliest supermarkets in the Boston area: 1.) Mei Tung. I haven't been there in a few years. The times I've been there, it smelled like Walt Disney did a science experiment involving a roomful of mousetraps loaded with poo. 2.) Calumet. Smelled like the floors were mopped with a wad of oozing ground beef on a stick. I'm so glad it's gone. 3.) Parts of the Super 88 Supermarket. However, it's so huge that you can spend all day there without ever accidentally wandering into the Fish Stink Zone, the Meat Stink Zone, or the Aisle Of Jars Of Foamy Purple Stuff Which Used To Be Fermented Shrimp. I haven't found out what's going to be put in where the Prudential Star was. Shortly before that location closed, I noticed the floor was starting to collapse in the produce section, so I hope they're not going to use that space for any sort of store that sells heavy stuff. Like, maybe they'll open a new Beadworks location there, but they'll have to be careful to keep only a teaspoon of beads in stock or the store will fall into the core of the Earth, destroying three dollars' worth of glass beads priced at twenty thousand dollars. -- K. If you really want to hear about stores that suck, ask me, "Kibo, what was Lechmere?" ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: I swear, I had little to nothing to do with this. Date: Fri, 07 Nov 2003 02:58:01 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > However, Disney's recommending a German kaviar video [...] > > Is "kaviar" a metaphor for something else? Yes. Except "metaphor" isn't the right word for "secret code euphemism used for something else because if the box actually gave you a clue what was on the tape you'd run out of the pornography store screaming and crying and would then poke your eyes out like Tieresias so you'd never have to watch one of those tapes if you accidentally bought it." Let's just say that "kaviar" is the German porn industry's term for something that can't even be mentioned on the Internet. -- K. And it has nothing to do with accelerator pedals, birthday cakes, white eggplants, TIE fighter control panels, or a talking sweater that knits other sweaters from angora fur. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Who's Going to Eat All of This Cottage Cheese? Date: Fri, 07 Nov 2003 03:20:00 -0500 Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > What was I thinking when I bought a 2-lb vat of cottage cheese? I > mean, besides "Mmmm . . . cottage cheese." Here, Mr. Paradore, I'm giving you back the purple polyester clip-on bow tie and the orange polyester double-knit vest and the shovel because I QUIT! And I hope you and your supermarket chain never go out of business after any difficulties with those pesky child labor laws! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go home and let my AFL-CIO membership lapse! P.S. I'm going to tell everyone in the world about your watermelons. > It's yummy with tropical fruit cocktail, and I've been eating it > nearly every day as a satisfying side dish with my lunch. But, my > goodness, two pounds is a lot of cottage cheese. > > Also, large curd cottage cheese is Just Not Right. I was going to say something about the famous "large curd" segment of "Tandid Tamera", but I don't think I could get the letters to swap around right. I'm not a genius like Allen Tunt. So I'll just mumble something about this paragraph almost containing a reference to a throwaway line in an early-1980s issue of "National Lampoon" and leave well enough alone. -- K. And now, Allen Tunt will eat a Large Curd Lemon Tart. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: _%f!r$ ChristinaAguilera at her hotest _%f!r$d@ Date: Fri, 07 Nov 2003 03:37:12 -0500 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > "whatever" (zvepuatp@xteotaso.com) writes: > > > > She has never been this bad yummy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > > NEW MEME DETECTED!!: > > --> SHE HAS NEVER BEEN THIS BAD YUMMY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Acting class, week three: Say "Oh, I'm gonna give you such a bad yummy!" with every possible intonation. Sexy, scary, boring, pedantic, and so on. That comes between week two (when you practice lying on your back and saying "HA! HA! HA!" as loud as you can to strengthen your diaphragm if you just do this for eight hours a day) and week four (when you practice being a tree. Not acting like a tree. BEING a tree.) Other places this meme will show up include: * Signs taped to pyramids of cans at the supermarket * Commercials for Chick-Fil-A involving Christina Aguilera having sex with a chicken * USA Today's weather map * That new Fox sitcom that really, really, really wishes it were "The Royal Tennenbaums" * inside William Shatner's hair (where he stores memes for the winter) ...and then it will officially be over and we can focus on using the next cool new meme. I don't know what it will be. All's I know is that it probably won't be "Hey, Pantocles, where's your pants?" -- K. ...that's because Pantocles always wears pants. Also nobody knows who he is because Shakespeare forgot to publish that play about him. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: New reality TV show idea that would actually be watchable. Date: Thu, 13 Nov 2003 00:41:01 -0500 Now here's an idea that will knock the television industry on its-- (Kibo is about to say the word "ass" but the picture freezes with the sound of a phonograph needle being dragged across the Victrola, which is what happens in every TV commercial that doesn't feature the word "ass".) Excuse me. I would like to tell you my idea, and this time I promise not to almost use the word "ass". I hereby claim dibs on being given a billion dollars for thinking up this new reality TV show idea. If you do anything about this article, you owe me a billion dollars. Know those Navy SEALs who travel around browbeating liars who pretend to be SEALs until they cry like little girls? Every week, send them after a different spammer. I would watch that. And if you don't agree that my idea of SEALs chewing out spammers is the greatest idea in human history, think about this: Jesse Ventura is a SEAL, and you know this idea is great because this show wouldn't turn out stupid even if Jesse Ventura were in it! At last, we've found a respectable use for Jesse Ventura! -- K. For variety, every once in a while it should be the Toronto Maple Leafs instead of SEALs. Or instead of spammers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: there were two guys performing nut rolls, and one was a salted. Date: Sat, 15 Nov 2003 02:03:08 -0500 Seen on smh.com.au: -> Nut rolling stunt artist in breakfast endurance test -> -> A wacky artist will spend 12 days in a bath full of baked beans, -> with chips shoved up his nose and 48 sausages wrapped around his head, -> in a bizarre tribute to the full English breakfast. -> -> Mark McGowan, 37, began his stunt today in the shop window of the -> House Gallery near his home in Camberwell in south London. -> -> "We don't support our culture enough, so I thought I'd celebrate a -> part of it by turning myself into a traditional English breakfast," -> the artist told reporters. Traditional English breakfasts involve things going up your nose? Hmm, I guess that explains a lot about Prince Charles. Is he still squirting toothpaste up his nose? And does he still use that kind of toothpaste that has giant halftone dots going the wrong direction? -> His aim is to spend eight hours a day, for 12 days, in the bean bath. Oh. In other words he's only going to spend _four_ days in the bathtub. That's hardly newsworthy! I just spent five days in oatmeal. No, wait, it wasn't actually oatmeal. Well, whatever it was, it's not supposed to be here, so I should be given my own newspaper article. -> "I suppose I am the British alternative to David Blaine but sitting -> in a plastic box is nothing compared to what I will be doing," -> he said, referring to Blaine's bizarre stunt where he spent 44 days -> of voluntary starvation locked in a perspex box next to the River Thames. -> -> Mr McGowan first hit the headlines earlier this year when he used his -> nose to push a nut 11km through London to 10 Downing Street to protest -> against student debt. ...and by the time the two of them got there, Archie Plutonium had worked out a new theory involving a giant atom in a bathtub full of baked beans. -> His latest project was prompted by criticism of the English diet by -> a friend who was visiting from Italy. -> -> "I took him to a traditional English pub but he started to complain -> when he saw the menu," he said. -> -> "There were things like eggs, chips and beans or steak and mushroom -> pie with chips and beans, but he didn't seem impressed by the cuisine. -> I suppose he would have preferred mozzarella." Here in the U.S., for breakfast we have a thing called "breakfast". It usually involves cereal, which comes in 487 different flavors each with a different openly gay cartoon character on the box, such as Count Chocula, Frankenberry, BooBerry, or King Vitaman. And in the commercials we're always told that these cereals are "part of a complete breakfast", but they never say that about bathtubs full of beans that have touched naked performance artists all day. -- K. If I really wanted to see completely pointless performance art, I could go down the street to see Blue Man Group, except that they charge money to waste your time watching them, so instead I'm watching TV because at least it has hockey fights. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: there were two guys performing nut rolls, and one was a salted. Date: Sat, 15 Nov 2003 02:16:00 -0500 The page at smh.com.au that had the story about the British guy sitting in a bathtub full of baked beans also contained a link to this other exciting article from everyone's favorite useless wire service, l'AFP: -> Herrings converse via flatulence, researchers find -> -> Herrings appear to be sociable fish who like to communicate among -> themselves and use their natural flatulence to do so, a team of -> British and Canadian researchers has reported. Science proves it: Fish seldom employ _artificial_ flatulence. -> A report in the British review Biology Letters described how the -> researchers studied the sounds produced by two kinds of captive, -> wild-caught herring. -> -> "At night herring squeeze bubbles out of their swim bladders through -> an anal pore, producing sounds not unlike people blowing -> raspberries," the team of three recounted. Science proves it: It takes three people to hear a fish fart. -> The Pacific species (Clupea pallasii) were found to emit distinctive -> bursts of pulses, known as fast repetitive tick (FRT) sounds, mostly -> at night, lasting between 0.6 seconds and 7.6 seconds in the 1.7 to -> 22 kilohertz bands. -> -> "Digested gas and gulped air transfer to the swim bladder ... do not -> appear to be responsible for FRT sound generation," the report said. Science proves it: Whoever measured the amplitude of the burst of pulses and then denied that the obvious bio-gaseous actions were the cause of it, supplied it. -> It was the same story with Clupea pallasii's Atlantic cousin, Clupea -> harengus. -> -> "Atlantic herring also produce FRT sounds and video analysis showed -> an association with bubble expulsion from the anal duct region," the -> researchers found. Science proves it: Fish have anal ducts, but ducks have anal fish. -> "The functions of these sounds are unknown but as the per capita -> rates of sound production by fish at higher densities were greater, -> social mediation appears likely. Science proves it: Two-headed fish fart twice as loud. -> "These sounds may have consequences for our understanding of herring -> behaviour and the effects of noise pollution." -> -> AFP QED! AFP! FRT! QED! -- K. Give that wire service the Nobel Prize For Encouraging Scientists Who Spend All Day Thinking Up Acronyms That Almost Spell "Fart" So They Can Talk About Their Fish Fart Fetish! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Another plausible dream concept. Date: Sat, 15 Nov 2003 02:21:54 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > I swear I am not making this up. > > Most of the dream, in which apparently I was a high school student > again, was just about me being late to school and having to drive > there in the red car that I had back in high school. I went to put my > shoes on, and had some difficulty putting my right shoe on but got it > on. > > Then it got interesting: I had to take a box of cereal to school with > me, and so I put a somewhat dingy sock on my left foot and STUCK MY > FOOT IN THE CERAL BOX, right down into the corn flakes, so I could > carry the cereal that way on my foot. It occurred to me that having > my foot in the cereal that I was going to eat was kind of gross, but I > reflected that my grandmother carried cereal on her feet the same way, > so it must be okay. > > Frantically, still running late, I went running out to my car, with my > shoe on my right foot and the cereal box on my left foot. > > Thus concluded the dream. Okay, I'm taking away that Nobel Prize I awarded to l'AFP for helping those three scientists to invent a new fetish involving listening to farting fish, and now I'm giving it to you for coming up with a brand-spanking-new fetish that will appeal to cereal-lovers, people who spend all day telling kids that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, people who like flooring accelerator pedals while crushing corn flakes with the other foot, your grandma, and Anthony Hopkins wearing crazy joke teeth. -- K. Unless he's busy giving Matthew Broderick another corn-flake enema. ("Mommy, what's Hannibal Lecter doing to Inspector Gadget?") ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: ARK TROOPERS DEPLOY! Date: Sat, 15 Nov 2003 02:36:20 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (usenetspamtrap@timchuma.com) wrote: > > The new Star Wars cartoon series "Clone Wars" does not have an evil > space pirate named Kibo, but it does have crack Ark Troopers who are > under the command of Obi Wan Kenobi. And don't forget that "Indiana Jones And His Desktop Adventures" (from LucasArts Games) has a character named after my arch-enemy Xibo, although I don't think he's ever actually mentioned by name (his name is visible in binary dumps of the data files. Not that I'm admitting I'm so nerdy that I read through every game with a sector editor before playing it just to reduce the fun.) I haven't tried that trick on "Yoda Stories" (the same game with different graphics of Cabbage Patch Dolls hopping around) mainly because I'm not sure where my old Windows 95 Pentium 166 computer is. (It was the only game I ever got running on that thing.) Also I hear that "Pajama Sam in Life's Rough When You Lose Your Stuff" and "Putt-Putt: Pep's Birthday Surprise" may contain a hidden mention of Kibo, possibly somewhere in the closing credits, so be sure to play the games all the way through. They're the best "Star Wars" games ever. > I like the cartoons more than the first two "prequel" films as they seem > to be closer to the original Star Wars movies - and have no JarJar Binks! The original had Jar Jar! He's in the background of the cantina scene, just like the Nemoidians. If you look closely, you can see him playing a game of "Baby Elephant Walk" with his drinking buddies C-3PO, Boxie, Patrick Macnee, and Dave Thomas. -- K. Also, has anyone ever noticed that you can't spell "obiwankenobi" without "obi" and "enobi"? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Jonathan Brandis, 1976-2003, Star of Seaquest Date: Fri, 21 Nov 2003 04:48:52 -0500 The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Frankly, I think we need to re-calibrate the Death Ray. This just isn't > the swift, vengeful coincidence I expect from such a high-tech piece of > equipment. Let's hit it with a mallet. Yeah. I think we were only trying to kill the following people from NBC's "seaQuest DSV": * Roy Scheider * Roy Scheider's makeup man * The psychic dolphin * The psychic dolphin's makeup man * All the writers and producers except Lee Goldberg (HI LEE!) * The network executives who put the show on the air * Bob Ballard, for failing to explain the show's science to me * Steven Spielberg, for putting his name on the show even though it sucked worse than the stuff he actually directs * Almost everyone else involved with the show, except Joanthan Brandis, Michael Ironside, and Ted Raimi, who radiate a combination of talent and watchability no matter what sort of futuristic space turd they're starring in. Oh, and let's also exempt Royce D. Applegate, because he's already dead, also having died prematurely under mysterious circumstances. So now "SeaQuest DSV"'s curse has killed twice. Who will be next? Will Peter DeLuise die of a rare plaid form of skin suffocation? Will Roy Scheider break his hip when he falls off his shoes? Will special guest star Dom DeLuise, living in a space-age plastic bubble, drink too much bubble tea and drown in his bubble teepee? Man, I'm mean-spirited tonight. I'll apologize to Jonathan Brandis for making light of his TV show once he comes back from the dead to explain to me these puzzling contradictions that prove the "seaQuest DSV" curse is really THE ONLY THING SCARIER THAN A CURSE -- A CONSPIRACY: [From the Associated Press, today] -> -> Television and Film Actor Jonathan Brandis Dead at Age 27 -> The Associated Press -> Published: Nov 21, 2003 -> -> LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Jonathan Brandis, who from an early age appeared -> in a string of roles on television, commercials and film, including -> the starring role in 1991's "The Neverending Story 2: The Next Chapter" -> and two seasons on Steven Spielberg's "SeaQuest DSV," has died. He was 27. -> -> The county coroner's office is investigating the Nov. 12 death, which -> was reported by the Los Angeles Police Department as a possible suicide, -> Lt. Ed Winter of the coroner's Investigations Bureau said Thursday. Problem #1: Why did the Associated Press choose to COVER UP his death for nine days? That's three whole news cycles! Problem #2: It wasn't Steven Spielberg's "seaQuest DSV", it BELONGED TO THE WORLD. A shining vision of how we can all solve our problems by living in a submarine with a dolphin also living in the submarine so that we can get advice from talking dolphins without ever having to go outside. Problem #3: Are they saying that it wasn't him but his EVIL TWIN who appeared in one of the THREE seasons of "seaQuest DSV"? His character was definitely in all three seasons, because otherwise the submarine would have exploded, because he was the show's Wesley Crusher and only he could save the submarine from the disastrous results of his science experiments. Also in the third season apparently he gained the ability to teleport due to sloppy editing when the third-season opener was chopped down from two hours to one with a pair of garden shears (he somehow managed to go from a maximum-security prison to interrupting a global summit meeting between scenes.) ARE THEY NOW TRYING TO PRETEND THERE WAS NO THIRD SEASON OF "SEAqUEST"? The character he played was poorly-written, but well-acted. And now THEY rubbed him out! I suspect the French or Australians did it, because anyone else who watched every episode of "seaQuest DSV" knows that France and Australia are evil countries who keep trying to take over the ocean, with the only thing stopping them being one submarine which can rule all the oceans at once because it's really long and has its own dolphin. That's why Jonathan Brandis's character had to teleport from jail to the summit meeting so that he could inform the world that the dictator of Australia was trying to flood the world with his subduction ray but fortunately they could save the world now that the submarine was back from the alien planet. NOT MAKING UP!!! Fun fact: One of Jonathan Brandis's earliest TV appearances was on a special with creepy magician Lance Burton (every photo in his press kit is the same photo, with different feathered hair pasted on -- yes, I have a Lance Burton press kit) hosted by Marc Summers, who went on to do that show that had kids going down slides into vats of pudding, and is now on a show about how pudding is made, and as I've observed before, Marc Summers is still grossed out. Oh, John Astin was in that special, too. So, in descending order of coolness, that special contained John Astin, Jonathan Brandis, Marc Summers, and Lance Burton and his hair. That's the sort of random combination of cast members that could only have been selected by a network executive twirling a giant spinner while going down a slide into a vat of chocolate-covered chimps aboard a submarine in outer space. -- K. My fondest Jonathan Brandis memory is that I actually watched all of "Sidekicks" just to see him convince Chuck Norris to beat up Joe Piscopo.