Date: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 05:44:54 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A wonderful Candles site Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology In alt.pets.parrots.african-grey and alt.religion.kibology, Dana Qualls (bestreferrals@hotmail.com) spamvertised: > > If you're lookig for great smelling candles then you need to visit > www.americancandles.us. I just receive my oreder of their cherry pie > candle and lemon pound cake candle and they are terrifc. I can't > believe that the my husband actually put the pie candle in the > refrigerator, thinking that it was real. Well, I'm glad you were able to find true love with someone as stupid as you. > These candles are great. I'll take one of the lemon pound cakes, with a lemon pound spammers. -- K. P.S. We cannot be fooled, we know that www.americancandles.us isn't a real Web site because there's no such thing as ".us". ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 05:48:52 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Stupid Thanksgiving News Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > I'll just make this brief, because it's so dumb, I'm not sure I can > really do justice to its dumness. While at mom's on Thanksgiving, we > watched the local news on Topeka station KSNT, an NBC affiliate. The > lead story on Thanksgiving? A local woman's kitchen sink drain was > clogged that morning. > No, I'm not joking. They had a film crew there and everything, > awaiting the arrival of the local plumber. Even had an interview with > the woman, with her name superimposed on the screen and the caption, > "Drain clogged on Thanksgiving" under it. > The plumber was interviewed, and noted that, "Yeah, she was a little > worried, what with relatives coming over and all." > KSNT doesn't appear to have online archives, and I bet this story is > the reason they don't. And it's a very good reason, because that wasn't an important news story, like if _my_ kitchen sink drain was clogged. Which it has been for the past five years. (Not that it matters, as I stopped washing dishes around that time.) -- K. But they never put me on TV, even when my vomitorium drain gets clogged during Saturnalia. ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 05:58:29 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: INSTANT REVIEW: DavidAE Traditional Toasted Corn Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology "rone" (^*&#$@ennui.org) wrote: > > David's attempt to get into the Corn Nuts market is familiar, Poor David! "Waah! I paid to park in the Corn Nuts Plaza parking lot but they locked me out of the Corn Nuts Market! Now I'll have to go to the Corn Nuts 7-Eleven instead, and all they have is Corn Nuts flavor Gatorade and vice versa! My Christmas dinner is ruined!" > in the way that drinking Mad Dog 20/20 is reminiscent of drinking wine. It's all the same to me. Tastes like paint thinner with purple paint in it. This is good, because if I ever actually got drunk, everyone would regret it. > The kernels are smaller than Corn Nuts, and probably that's why they're > sweeter; the ears weren't left on the stalks long enough for the > sugars to turn into starch. Another result of their relative youth is > that the crunch is more gentle. In summary, it's like Corn Nuts > geared towards the average sorority girl: smaller, sweeter, softer. At last, we now know the target audience for Corn Nuts. The question is, what's the target audience for Wheat Nuts? Constipated rodents, or jewelers who need filler pellets to mix with the polish in their rock tumblers? > I expect that the BBQ-flavored ones must be truly wretched. Only until you eat them, and then the "w" goes away. -- K. "Hey, look, Bert, I barfed up a letter!" "Wow, Ernie, it's a 'w'! That's my favorite letter to find in vomit!" (They sing a song about barfing the alphabet. Then a giant pinball ball crushes lots of tiny psychedelic hippies, and Elmo show and won't go away.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 06:07:02 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: More Stupid Thanksgiving News Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > This isn't news, but it's stupid. For the second time in three years, > I wound up in the Emergency Room over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend. > I have some lovely bronchitis (again) and generally feel blah and > unwholesome. I didn't know if I was going to post about this or not, > but I decided to, because there was one amusing thing in the Emergency > Room - Puritan Brand Cervical Scrapers. And that, Stacia, is why I will never again eat anything shaped like Jar Jar. I hope you've recovered by now, or at least survived. I think last week I finally recovered from the Jar Jar incident several years ago. At the moment, I'm just happy that not only did I forget to get the flu this year, I also managed to avoid getting a flu shot! I WIN! In other news, I got to see my favorite hockey player playing goal tonight even though he had the flu, because the backup goalie fell down and hurt himself during the warmup. Unfortunately, the game ended in a tie, even though the opposing team's goalie tried a wonderful new strategy of skating directly away from his own goal for twelve feet and then falling down and watching everyone else racing past him. My only regret is that I had to watch the game on TV instead of going to the arena and catching Lalime's flu just like the other 18,000 fans. -- K. I think the main reason Raycroft fell down tonight was that his skates are really Puritan Brand Cervical Scrapers. ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 06:20:26 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The TRUTH! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > I found this quote on the web: > -> > -> "All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed, > -> second it is violently opposed, and third, it is accepted as > -> self-evident." -- Arthur Schopenhauer, Philosopher, 1788-1860 > > This is the ST00PIDEST idea I have ever encountered, and I am going to > PUNCH ANYBODY IN THE HEAD who agrees with it, although it's obviously > totally correct. I prefer to think that the stages of Kibological Truth are this: 1.) A scientist files a petition to form a hypothesis, which must be approved by 2/3 of all the scientists in the world who aren't insane. 2.) The Doomsday Clock is moved one minute forwards or backwards, depending on whether the hypothesis should become a law. 3.) If the hypothesis becomes a law, all the Nobel laureates and supermodels vote on whether that law should be called a theory or a theorem. 4.) The theory or theorem is diagrammed by circle-intersectologists at The Venn Corporation. If the resulting diagram does not get sued by MasterCard or the "Collective Bargaining" postage stamp from the mid-1970s, the Venn Diagram is published as a "Fold-In" on the back page of "Scientific American". 5.) The Army keeps copies of "Scientific American" out of the hands of foreigners unless the theory or theorem is proven false. If it is falsified, the defective magazines are then distributed to scientists in evil countries. 6.) If the false theory or theorem is determined to have been wrongly declared false, the Doomsday Clock is reset to blinking "12:00" and all the scientists who aren't insane get hitsies on the Nobel laureates, unless any Nobel laureates are sane, in which case play passes to the player on the dealer's left, unless it's dark on Tuesday. 7.) If it's dark on Tuesday, the bill becomes a law, but then the duck's beak becomes a bill. Then Chico Marx asks, "Why a duck?" and none of the scientists laugh until Abbott & Costello begin doing their utterly hilarious "Who's On First?" routine. 8.) Once it's determined who's on first, the results are written on a baseball which is then launched into the Sun to keep anyone from reading it. All memory of the theory or theorem is erased from all scientists in the world, but not from Jack Webb. 9.) Jack Webb, keeper of the theory, knows that he knows what he knows because, as he says, "Cogito, ergo sum-sa-sum-sum!" Then he sends all the hippies in the world to the same prison where all the mad scientists are kept. If there isn't room for the hippies, the mad scientists are released. 10.) The mad scientists propose a completely different theory, which is obviously wrong, therefore the original theory must be right. Everyone celebrates by getting drunk and putting their head in the cyclotron. -- K. And that's why 99% of your tax dollars go to funding scientific research. ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 06:29:40 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: RaNtRaNtRaNtRaNt!! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology "Tamara" (tamaraharris@rogers-removethis-.com) wrote: > > I just finished a phone call with a job applicant of mine. She had the > unfortunate incident of having to talk to my idiot-brained EX-associate (the > CNN browser guy who likes to destroy VCRs with a screwdriver) and she told > me that he told her that HE is the BOSS and makes all of the business > decisions and that *I* am his "TADPOLE!!" > > A TADPOLE!!! > > Me, the one who has been in the industry for NINETEEN FUKKEN YEARS!! His > TADPOLE?!? I think he was actually referring to his boyfriend Tad. > Someone call the police. There's gonna be some bloodshed in this > neighbourhood any moment now. I tried to call the Toronto police, but for some reason the red button on the phone called Colonel Sanders instead. So then I tried dialing "911" but that made the "976-11-11" jingle start running through my head and the only way I could get it out was to go all the way to the Corel Centre box office to buy a hockey ticket to get a coupon for a free slice of pizza from a non-numeric pizza company, but the coupon could only be redeemed in the basement of the West Edmonton Mall, and when I got there one of the dolphins had eaten it, and I couldn't beat up the dolphin until he coughed it up because that would have distracted Canada's only three policemen from coming to your aid, unless the dolphins are protected by Mounties instead, but probably not because that would be silly. > Thanks. > > ~T (his TADPOLE?!?) I forget -- does your tail get absorbed by your body, or does it just fall off? -- K. Maybe you should actually play along and act like a frog -- when he tries to pick you up, piddle in his hand. ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 06:46:40 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My trip to Sexpo 2003 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > It's been almost a week since I went to Sexpo or "Health, Sexuality & > Lifestyle Expo" (http://www.sexpo.com.au) in Melbourne, Austria, but I > haven't got around to writing about it yet. That's good, because if the first thing you did afterwards was to write an essay about it, we'd think you were a nerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd. Me, I would've done something else right after the expo, but only because I would have already posted to the Internet during the show (from my waterproof laptop.) > I went last year to meet Ron Jeremy and give him the comic strips a > local cartoonist had drawn of him. One of the porn actresses said he has > a big collection of stuff like that. Despite what Kevin S Wilson has > claimed, he did not fudge my ear. Did he at least chant "Milk, milk, lemonade! In the ear, fudge is made!"? > My reason for going this year was different, I wanted to meet the > operator of another forum (URL supplied on request) I participate in and > some of the 'young ladies' he was meant to be bringing along. So after > stopping to watch the floor show (beats me why they had a female > stripper on ladies day) and walking around a bit I met up with the > operator at the stand - George. I had to go away and come back to meet > his girlfriend (Bridgette) who I also knew through the forum. > > For some reason he only asked my forum name and not my real name, which > considering what the forum was about was understandable (it is not a > fetish site.) So, you're posting to alt.religion.kibology under your real name because you're suffering from the delusion that this isn't a fetish site? Hmm. I guess you'll be the only one who's not turned on when I post the story I just wrote about six invisible nurses, a giant sheet of flypaper, and a pair of robotic long underwear. > I was surprised that he said he missed my posts on their > forum and that I should particpate more. (It is mainly a review-based > site and I haven't been doing many reviews.) Seeing as the forum > originally started out as a 'dreambook' that only had one page, then > went to the Delphi forums and now has its own server I can see why they > need solid members. > > Some of the stalls where interesting (it was mainly a sex-shopping show > as the main sponsor is a sex shop), including Mark Brandon Read > (Chopper) and Mark "Energizer! Oi!" Jackson who were selling their one > wine. I thought it was only a Chopper sitting at the stand, so when he > moved I ran away holding my ears (he didn't look too happy their > either.) Jacko! Wow! You met the co-star of "The Highwayman", a show which also featured the equally talented Sam J. Jones and Claudia Christian! Jacko was the inspiration for my new haircut! Well, he wasn't, but I had to blame it on someone. It was getting so that I could only style my previous hair into "Moe Howard as Spock", "Moe Howard as Caligula", "Hitler Jr.", or "Squiggy", so I cut it very short and now I've discovered that not only is the top of my head shaped sort of like Babar's or possibly E.T.'s, but I suddenly have a desire to put on a muscle shirt and throw giant flashlight batteries at people while yelling "Oi, Ennajoiza!" > They also had a "demonstration" area which had a peep show where you > could see a woman talking on a mobile phone, S&M shadow puppets and > behind a red curtain you almost couldn't see through with something > going on between two women. > > One of the stalls also had a "Stubbie Glove" that I bought my dad. What does it take for lube -- Stubbie Tustard? > The rest of the stalls weren't really that interesting, except for the > couple where you could get a photo with one or two nude women. > Unfortunately the exhibit where you challenged the pimp to a game of > Daytona for one his ho's. > > As this is turning out to be a lot more boring than I thought it would, > I'll just end it here. Oh, no you won't, not until you tell us what a "Stubbie Glove" is. Is it endorsed by James Doohan, Harold Lloyd, and/or Gary Burghoff? -- K. And why wasn't I invited to appear at the expo? I was Moe Howard as Caligula!!! ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 06:54:19 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: At least it's not an ice cream truck saying "AYLO!" Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > [from an Australian newspaper] > > Jingle Bells jangles nerves of sales staff > Linz > December 4, 2003 > > An Austrian trade union has claimed the repetitive playing of Christmas > carols in department stores is "psycho-terrorism" for salespeople. Yeah, but so is showing them movies where that guy from "The Black Hole" pretends his mother's killing people. > The Union of Private Employees is appealing to department store owners to > use moderation and play Christmas music for only a few hours each day. > > From morning to night, for weeks before Christmas, there was the same > Christmas music in department stores over and over again, said Gottfried > Rieser of the Union of Private Employees. > > "Many staff in the retail sector suffer psychologically from it," Mr > Rieser said. "They get aggressive. On Christmas Eve with their families, > they can't stand Silent Night or Jingle Bells any more." But everyone loves "Jingle Bell Rock"! It's the rockingest sort of musica nausea ever! > The union is also calling on stores to confine Christmas music to > departments where Christmas gifts were sold. "You don't need Gently Falls > the Snow in the sausage section," Mr Rieser said. I call dibs on the title "Gently Falls The Snow In The Sausage Section" for the next story I ghostwrite for Harlan Ellison. > His union had already tried without success to take legal steps. > > The criticism was rejected by employers' spokesman Franz Penz. I call dibs on misspelling his name "Franz Peniz" for the next time I have to make up last names for old "Saturday Night Live" characters once Dana Carvey gets so desperate for work that he starts making porno movies instead of just fart movies. > He said modern CD players enabled department stores to play a large > number of tunes. > > "It practically doesn't happen that the same Christmas tune is played > over and over again." FAO Schwarz never plays Christmas carols. Instead, they play "Welcome to our world, welcome to our world, welcome to our world, welcome to our world, welcome to our world of toys! Welcome to our world, welcome to our world, welcome to our world, welcome to our world, welcome to our world of toys! Welcome to our world, welcome to our world, welcome to our world, welcome to our world, welcome to our world of toys!" It's like a parody Weird Al Yankovic would do of "It's A Small World After All" after being dropped on his head several hundred thousand times. -- K. Australia has a sausage section? ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 07:06:39 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Elevators Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > Tiny elevators make me scared. The tinier the elevator, the dumber the conversations you overhear: SHE (looking at video-store flyer): "Have you seen 'Grease'?" HE: "NO! And I don't want to!" SHE: "Why?" HE: "I think it's pretty GAY!" SHE: "But it's a JOHN TRAVOLTA movie!" HE: "I only like him when he's a bad guy." So there you have it, folks. Good John Travolta is gay but Evil John Travolta is straight. That's why there's nothing gay about him in "Battlefield Earth". His bulging codpiece was only stuffed with manly stuff, including a rubgy ball, one of Ted Nugent's crossbows, and a life-size bust of Jack Palance. -- K. That was the same elevator in which I heard people excitedly discussing who would win an upcoming XFL game. ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 07:14:02 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Source: www.google.com (image tab) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Source: www.google.com (image tab) > > That's the complete citation for graphics that not one, but two > students included in papers I graded this weekend. > > As gently as possible, I explained to them that citing google as the > source for the graphics was a little like checking a book out of the > library, photocopying a grapic out of it, and then citing the library > as your source. So, next week, you'll get lots of papers that say "Source: library". Also, did you check their research by going to www.google.com, clicking the image tab, and using your browser's "View Source" command? -- K. And were those two graphics nude? ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 07:21:26 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: What's on in PERTH Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > STOP PRESS! > > Semi-interesting thing happens in Perth. > > > In the CBD of Perth, just near an area called Westralia Square, there is a > huge hole about three storeys deep where a building used to be. It is now > quite derelict, full of weeds and rubble. I don't know what a "CBD" is. I'm guessing it's a children's book written entirely in one-letter words about what happens when you accidentally have your genitals stepped on by a dominatrix in spiked heels. Either that or it's the text message Twiki sends to your pager whenever he wants you to notice that the Venerable Bede has entered the room after being unthawed in the 25th century. > As part of the 2003 so-called Awesome festival > (http://www.929.com.au/awesome.php, but don't bother because many of the > useful "links" are not actually links at all), some dude is filling it up > with oversized beach balls. I found this out by accident one day when I took > the wrong bus back from Curtin university and walked by it, noticing that it > was about one sixth full. "Brilliant!" I thought. "That's not something you > see every day! I'll come back in a week or so and see it when it's nearly > finished." > > So on Saturday I went back. It is still about one sixth full, although now > many of the balls have burst and sit in puddles of mud. Of the balls that > have survived, they are now scattered randomly throughout the site, many > hidden in long weeds or behind rubble. In short, the whole scene looked > utterly depressing and tragic. We saw the artist in action, he was slumped > dejectedly in a deckchair filling a ball from a small pump. When it was full, > which took about 15 minutes, he tossed it into an enclosure and grabbed a > new, deflated ball from a box. I estimated at this rate it would take him > about 3 years to blow up enough balls to fill the site, assuming that no more > burst. And that looks like a pretty big if. I read a medical case study where a guy had noisy pockets of air jumping around under the skin of his butt cheeks and it turned out he blew up a lot of balloons and somehow air was migrating from his lungs to his butt. I am not making that up. This is why, if the beach ball guy is smart, he'll blow them up while standing on his head so that the air bubbles just go into his brain. > Anyway, huzzah for art and the turgid miasma of existence or whatever. I say that when the giant ball pit is full, you should put on a giant clown suit and jump into it while yelling "Welcome To Giant Chuck E. Cheese!" -- K. Then a giant rat would come in and touch the tiny pizza. ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 07:31:38 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Library babble Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > If I ran the world, any library patron who donates five paperbacks or two > hardbacks will get a coupon. This coupon will allow them to evict any one > patron for the day. If the patron has kids, the kids must go with. Hey, cool, I have enough spare books here that I could own the whole library! I could be the only one in the library for the next several years. Of course, I wouldn't want to actually move into the public library, because even if I kicked everyone out, their farts would linger. Libraries are filled with a mixture of people and their farts. -- K. If you pumped all the farts out of the public library into some sort of "Ghostbusters"-style fart trap, I think you'd get a solid block of fart you could cut with a baloney slicer so that you could put it in envelopes and mail it to the Library of Congress, our nation's official fart repository. ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 07:41:57 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: KILL THE HAGGIS!! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > [frpm an Australian newspaper] > -> > -> US tourists want to hunt wild haggis > -> > -> One-third of all American visitors to Scotland believe haggis is a > -> real animal, according to a survey. > > Quite right too! Haggis ain't made of PLANTS, dude! Haggis isn't a > conglomeration of plankton! It's an ANIMAL, or parts thereof. Och, lad, that's wrong! Haggis ARE plankton! Mind your grammar, y' non-Scots pants-wearing girlie man! Ahrrrrrr! > -> Almost one in four (23 per cent) of those questioned said they had > -> come to Scotland under the belief they could hunt and catch > -> Scotland's most famous dish. I want to know about the other ten percent who think haggis are real but they're not allowed to hunt them. > -> [...] > -> > -> About 1000 Americans took part in the survey, which was launched in > -> the summer when haggis maker Hall's teamed up with a US tourism > -> association website. Hall's asked Americans considering a trip to > -> Scotland why they wanted to come and what they expected to see. > > I WANT TO SEE WHAT'S WORN UNDER THE KILT!!! > > NOTHING! IT'S ALL IN PERFECT WORKING ORDER, LASSIE!! Och, ye're nae man enough t' suckle m' sporran, y' shiny-legged piano-player! > -> One American tourist believed that haggis was a wild beast of the > -> Highlands, no bigger than a grouse, which only came out at night. > > Only ONE believed that? Obviously more information needs to be spread > around about the blood-curdling screams of the haggis. Also, have you > heard of bunyips? What about dropbears? I've only heard of chocolate drops and gummi bears, while George Burns. > -> Another claimed haggis was a creature that sometimes ventured into > -> the cities and was similar to a fox. > > Why would you eat it if it was similar to a fox? Maybe, but I won't eat real haggis, because I know it's just Animal 57 in its raw state before it's molded into neat cubes. > -> [...] > -> The recipe for haggis varies but it can be made using a sheep's > -> stomach bag filled with a mix of sheep's liver, heart and lung, > -> oatmeal, suet, stock, onions and spices. Big deal. Turds can be made from that stuff too. -- K. That's not to say they _should_ be. ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 08:30:15 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: there were two guys performing nut rolls, and one was a salted. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Steve Christensen (stnchris@xmission.com) wrote: > > Since you tend to remember events/people better when your emotions are > running high, why not do what I do? > > Every time I meet someone new I give them a meat cleaver and ask them > to chase me around the room. Benny Hill music not included. That's fine and dandy for the face problem. But what about that other special little hole in my brain that causes me to not be able to remember that Brian Posehn's name is Brian Posehn? I don't want him chasing me around with a meat cleaver, because he's too scary to have doing that. Can't we just start a petition to change his name to "That guy from 'Mr. Show'"? How many signatures does it take before a petition like that becomes a law, 100 or 200? -- K. Benny Hill would never run with a meat cleaver. However, that would be the ending of every episode of "The Lizzie Borden Show" if she were a fat British guy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 08:34:14 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: An answer to the question, "I am wear?" Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Julie d'Aubigny (kali.magdalene@comcast.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I expect that that's not the stupidest detail I'll discover in that > > building, but it will take me another few years to find all the stupid > > parts, especially the well-hidden ones which protrude into the fourth > > dimension. > > Be careful with that. One misstep through the fourth dimension, and you > might find yourself in a place where Archie Plutonium is *right*. If I did, I'd take lots of photos during my time in THE STUPIDEST DIMENSION IN NORTH AMERICA. -- K. Then Rod Serling would call it "A dimension of sight... A dimension of sound... A dimension of mime," and he'd narrate the rest of the episode by waving his arms and grimacing. ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 08:38:05 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Free Supermarket Ham Inquiry Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Kevin S. Wilson (rescyou@spro.net) wrote: > > Yesterday I won a Subway Sub Party from the Subway in the > Education Building next door. Free 6" Subway subs for 10 of my closest > friends or co-workers as the case may be. Cheap bastards didn't even > include chips and drinks. But did they remember to specify 6" _long_, or are you going to go in and demand ones that are 6" _tall_? (If they try to stand them on end, just start screaming and crying, or better yet, do something really childish, like Mike O. Any sort of tantrum will help you get what you want at any time, even in Subway.) -- K. Wasn't this a "Seinfeld" episode? And is there anything that wasn't? ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 08:48:36 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: OK, that's enough thanks Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology [concerning the big snowstorm Boston just had] Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Having escaped by the sliding back door, I start to crawl toward the > shovel to free the front door: > > http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/crawling.jpg > > (By working all day, Sam and I managed to free the car on the right.) > > > Adding to the pile: > > http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/pile.jpg > > (photos by Kibo) What? You didn't use the caption I wrote? "La la la la la I am holding the really light little camera and you are shovelling la la la la la la I WIN!" -- K. I have two feet of snow on my balcony, but I'm not allowed to dump it over the seven-story edge, and I'm not going to move it into my toilet one raisin scoop at a time, so I may just have to shine my photo floodlight on it until it all evaporates and flies back to Canada. ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 23:30:54 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hey, you damn bacteria! Get out of my lungs! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology "swt" (swt2@cox.net) wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > > > Get a pot of really hot water, drop a > > > spoonful of Vicks in it, and inhale the fumes. Mmmmmmmmmmm. Now > > > if I could just sleep with a boiling pot of water under my head... > > > > There's a mechanical thingy that looks like a glass teapot but bigger, > > called a "vaporizer". > > Those things are nice, especially if you live in the desert. I'm not sure > what the difference is between a "humidifier" and a "vaporizer", except that > the latter sounds like something Marvin the Martian would threaten > Scientologists with. And he'd win, too, because he'd be holding a big stick with a picture of Patrick Lalime's eyes on it so that they couldn't sneak up on him. > > That solves this exact problem. Set one next to your > > bed, fill with water with a teaspoon of Vicks, plug it in, and walla. > ^^^^^ > I love Vicks! I wear it like cologne! But do you pronounce it like bologna? You should, so that people won't mis-hear you saying "I wear it in my colon". Because that's not where it's meant to go, according to the part of the label that would be in seventy-two-point type if the jar were big enough. > Sorry to hear so many posters are under the weather - here's hoping you all > feel better soon. You should all treat yourselves to some egg nog with 7-up > in it. Or try some nice Jello, it's easy to keep down (as long as you don't > wonder what it's made from). Point of grammar: It's not "what it's made from", it's "from whom it's made". And don't forget, there's always Ko-Jel. There may always be _room_ for Jell-O, but there always _is_ Ko-Jel. If you don't believe me, go to the market and make a chalk mark on the frontmost box of Ko-Jel, then watch it not go anywhere. -- K. I still want to find a way to make a tofu substitute from pure polywater. It could be called "No-Fu", and a serving would sell for more than a solid gold couch. ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 23:32:02 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: give thanks for D2 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > [...] > > when are game designers going to learn that I just want to run around > pretending to be an elf? You need a _game_ to do that? I thought you just needed a funny hat and a sense of joie-de-vivre that goes beyond the mercurial into the destructively insipid. Also some of that special pantyhose for men. The kind where the control top has a "Black & Decker" logo. -- K. Me, I'm a knight, or possibly just Tom Selleck in "Runaway". When the cast of the remake of "Ocean's 11" sets off the massive (yet localized) electromagnetic pulse made from bubbly water and neon, I'll be the only one protected by a full-body Faraday cage. However, despite the fact that I'm highly qualified, I will still refuse to take a job guarding the Excalibur casino. If I want to dress funny in public, I'll do it on the subway like everyone else. ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 23:34:04 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: give thanks for D2 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > Julie d'Aubigny wrote: > > > > Don't be ridiculous! The Romans would never play a game that has > > firearms; they don't even know what a firearm *is*. They'd all be caught > > up in "The real Roman Empire isn't like this!" and they could tell, > > because they LIVED IN IT. Allegedly. > > ARE living in it. We, I mean, they, ARE. Living in it. The real Roman > empire. And there aren't any firearms here. Yet. > > But just wait until I get my hands on some. I want to know why you two have a definition of "firearms" which doesn't include Hero of Alexandria's flamethrower (it was sort of like Truckasaurus, only with a ship instead of a giant robot) or my personal favorite, the ballista. Sure, there's no actual combustion involved in a ballista, but you have to respect any sort of gun that makes square holes in people. There's a nice cow skull that was dug up in England -- it's got dozens of little square holes punched in it because the soldiers were having target practice. You can imagine the sound it makes when a metal spike goes through bone. Mmm! <-- no, that's not the sound. -- K. To keep the barbarians out, I've surrounded my apartment with pointy quincunctes hidden under the snow. Take that, Asterix! Take that, Gerard Depardieu! ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 23:35:05 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: on my desk, as far as I can see Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Worst User Interface Ever: > The store has a flashlight that hangs plugged into the wall, in case of power > outage. A few weeks ago, when a helpful raccoon volatilized himself (or > herself, it appears there wasn't enough left to tell) in the neighborhood > braker box and took the whole neighborhood down, Sunday mid-evening, I got to > [...] > unplug said flashlight from the wall, then totally fail to figure out in > the dark how to turn it on: pushing the slide-switch produced - nothing. > Prssing on said switch and on the little plastic dot - nothing. Squeezing, > shaking, turning round about - nothing. > > Several minutes later, it finally transpired that the solution was "take > the electrical-plug prongs and fold them back so they are flush with the > surface of the flashlight"; doing this with the switch slid to "on" did a > hey presto, flashlight came on! My emergency kit (purchased during a two-day outage a few years ago) includes a lantern-shaped fake lantern which runs off four "D" batteries and has two fluorescent light tubes where the white-hot asbestos would normally be. It has a switch which, if rotated one way, makes both tubes light up, and if turned the other way, makes one tube light up. But all four batteries are wired in series without any sort of voltage regulator or anything (as near as I can tell) so you get exactly the same brightness whether you're feeding all the battery power into one tube or splitting it between the two. I eventually decided that the advantage of lighting up only one tube is that it makes shadows a little less fuzzy. > User interfaces that need to be figured out in the dark ought to have, oh > I don't know, GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ARROWS POINTING TO "HERE, FOLD THIS BACK!", > perhaps? Been having condom trouble? -- K. If your flashlight had enough glow-in-the-dark stuff on it, you wouldn't need to turn it on. ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 23:35:53 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: on my desk, as far as I can see Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > My Games Magazines are packed away in paper sacks in a closet shelf. > [...] Somewhere in there is the issue which lists me on the very last > page as having been a runner up in a Games contest. I bring this up > all the time because it solidifies my status as a nurd. You're not a nerd until you do the puzzles before the issue gets published because you're operating the high-resolution imagesetter that's rasterizing the artwork. (The guy who did some of the technical artwork, such as those sunflower- shaped crossword puzzles, was in this area and sometimes he'd have the stuff mastered at the imagesetting shop where I worked.) I have never tried to read Games magazine since, for the same reason I can no longer eat artificial vinegar-flavored potato chips. I have nothing against Games, it's just that I now have this Pavlovian association between flower-shaped crosswords puzzles and getting acid under my fingernails. -- K. And I still say Robin Williams should have killed the Agfa guy. ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 23:45:39 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: If they were to ever stop posting... Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Somebody wrote: > > Somebody else wrote: > > > > Okay, how many of you out there play the little game in which you open > > a post without looking at who wrote it, then read a bit to see if you > > can correctly identify the author? > > That's not a GAME, that's the way Usenet is properly DONE. I'd say > more, but I'm still recovering from the mental imagery of you > passionately ripping off your bodice. > > Stacia I'm guessing that the first person is puzzle maven Eugene T. Maleska, and the second one is... oh, I don't know... who would fantasize about Eugene T. Maleska with his shirt not on? I'm going to guess that Stacia is Alan Cumming. What do I win? -- K. It's the "T." that keeps crossword puzzle expert Eugene T. Maleska from being confused with Eugene Maleska, underwear model. Also you don't want him to cook for you because Oreos would keep turning up tucked into everything. ----------------------------------------------------- From: Tue, 09 Dec 2003 23:55:50 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Yum! Parasitic twin update. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > Long John Silvers doesn't even exist in this state anymore. Grr! And how > > come Roy Rogers is only on the east coast and St. Hubert is in Canada and > > Pizza Lazizza, Taco Ticos, Big Donald, McBurger, and Herfy's are only in > > Saudi Arabia? I demand a much wider variety of food that will kill me > > dammit! > > WE HAVE YOUR LONG JOHN SILVERS > IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE THEM EAT AGAIN > LEAVE A LARGE ARTHUR TREACHERS IN AN > UNMARKED MALL TO THE EAST OF DOWNTOWN > FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS WILL FOLLOW > > BURMA DAVE Schwa, I'll have you know I have St.-Hubert food in this very room. It's a can of their instant poutine gravy from a supermarket in Montreal. I wish my neighborhood had a KFC, or even a PFK. This neighborhood is actually pretty underdeveloped (we just got the supermarket and so on, so maybe it's no longer officially considered a ghetto.) I like KFC, but I think the closest one is way across Dorchester, unless the one in Cambridge is closer. Fried chicken is not something you can make at well as home as they can in their oversized pressure cookers. It's about the only type of fast food that you can't improve on yourself. As far as Arthur Treacher goes, I doubt he'll show his face in public now that he's got the Web's single worst search site named after him. You know the one I mean. The one that can't give a good answer to any question and protests a little too much when you ask it how gay it is. -- K. "Pizza Lazizza" would be a good word to play in Scrabble if proper nouns were allowed and if spaces were allowed and if you could play twelve letters at a time and if there were another four "z"s.