From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My trip to Sexpo 2003 Date: Wed, 10 Dec 2003 00:29:12 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh, no you won't, not until you tell us what a "Stubbie Glove" is. > > Is it endorsed by James Doohan, Harold Lloyd, and/or Gary Burghoff? > > It is a glove made of neoprene that is stuck to a cylinder of neoprene > that you can hold a can/bottle of beer with (a one-armed man gave me a > demonstration.) > > I think it is meant to be a novelty item more than anything. I'm sure all the other rubber goods at Sexpo 2003 also say "SOLD AS A NOVELTY ONLY", but you must have drunk a lot of that special one-handed beer if you started buying that line. I now have a vision of you running down the aisles yelling "YAY, THE TROJAN BOOTH GAVE ME A BALLOON!" followed by "WOW, I KEEP LICKING, BUT THIS SQUISHY PINK JELL-O POPSICLE WON'T MELT!" I bet most of the other exhibitors at Sexpo could have told you that you don't need a special beer can holder (you just set it on top of her head.) And, hypothetically speaking, if the rubber mitt glued to the thing really were intended as a beer-holder for people who can't hold a beer can with only one hand, why should they have to go to Sexpo to buy it instead of the normal places where one-armed guys buy stuff, like Home Depot? -- K. Guys who only have one finger shop at the Apple store. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: on my desk, as far as I can see Date: Wed, 10 Dec 2003 04:22:58 -0500 David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > > > User interfaces that need to be figured out in the dark ought to > > > have, oh I don't know, GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ARROWS POINTING TO "HERE, > > > FOLD THIS BACK!", perhaps? > > > > Been having condom trouble? > > Wasn't actually using them. > > (I suppose that's "trouble" in a negative sort of sense though.) I was thinking more of the sort of situation where you cover your hands in paper cuts from the sharp, untearable corners of the packet trying to get it open before it's too late, and then the stewardess gives you a packet of peanuts you can't open, and the plane's in-flight movie is just the VCR blinking "12:00 12:00 12:00", and then the plane has to circle the earth an extra time because the elderly pilot left the plane's turn signal on, and also there was a chicken crossing the runway. > > If your flashlight had enough glow-in-the-dark stuff on it, > > you wouldn't need to turn it on. > > Dave "my dog has no ___BLANK___!" DeLaney Poor Spot! He has no off switch! And now we're all sorry you turned him on! -- K. The paper cuts wouldn't be such a problem if condoms and Band-Aids were the same thing. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: At least it's not an ice cream truck saying "AYLO!" Date: Wed, 10 Dec 2003 04:32:02 -0500 Whosetitanelbow (crgre02+usenet@newsguy.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > But everyone loves "Jingle Bell Rock"! It's the rockingest sort of > > musical nausea ever! > > My only hope for the season is that everyone has the chance to hear "Sleigh > Ride" about forty thousand times, by the approx. forty thousand original > artists. And you have now guessed my second least favorite Christmas song. Care to try for the trifecta? Hint: He's little, he's a drummer, he's a boy, his song sucks, especially the chorus stating "RUM PUM PUM PUM, ME AND MY DRUM" as if it's deeply meaningful and not a load of pum. I was in Walgreen's a couple days ago and they were playing some really disturbing folk song about how a guy wouldn't mind "if I lost my eyes", "if I lost my legs", etc., working up to how he'd only mind "if I lost my mouth and all my teeth, north and south" because then he'd have to stop singing his CRAPPY CRAPPY SONG! It wasn't the work of subtle musical genius that "My Ding-A-Ling" is. Oh my word, I just Googled for those lyrics and the CRAPPY CRAPPY SONG is "Moonshadow" by CAT STEVENS! You know, Yusef Islam himself! -> MOONSHADOW -> (Cat Stevens) -> -> I'm being followed by a moon shadow -> moon shadow - moon shadow -> leaping and hopping on a moon shadow -> moon shadow - moon shadow -> and if I ever lose my hands -> lose my plough, lose my land -> oh, if I ever lose my hands -> oh, if... -> I won't have to work no more -> and if I ever lose my eyes -> if my colours all run dry -> yes, if I ever lose my eyes -> oh if... -> I won't have to cry no more -> yes, I'm being followed by a moon shadow -> moon shadow - moon shadow -> and if I ever lose my legs -> I won't moan and I won't beg -> oh if I ever lose my legs -> oh if... -> I won't have to walk no more -> and if I ever lose my mouth -> all my teeth, north and south -> yes, if I ever lose my mouth -> oh if... -> I won't have to talk... -> Did it take long to find me -> I ask the faithful light -> Did I take long to find me -> and are you going to stay the night -> I'm being followed by a moon shadow -> moon shadow - moon shadow -> leaping and hopping on a moon shadow -> moon shadow - moon shadow... So, on the site of the old Brooks drugstore (where I once heard "Turn On Your Heart Light" coming on the Muzak right as a guy vomited on the floor) they've built a Walgreen's with even worse Muzak. This is what I get for going shopping just before midnight -- the Muzak dee-jays (if you can call them that) have a certain pile of songs to play every day, and they always put the worst ones at the end (I suppose it helps the stores get rid of the customers when they want to close for the night.) -- K. People who hate Cat Stevens because he became Yusef Islam are hating him for entirely the wrong reason. I mean, MOON FREAKING SHADOW!!! I'd rather listen to that ice cream truck another year. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: New Internet - you're not invited Date: Wed, 10 Dec 2003 08:55:30 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > [...] > > Well if you don't like those options you could always consider choosing > what's behind door number 3. But if when I ask you whether you want to > switch doors or not you had better answer correctly or Matt McIrvin will > come storming into the room with Marilyn Vos Savant on his shoulders and > they'll both yell obscenities at you as she pelts you with a series of > bizarre objects from her oversized purse. So this produces an equivalence of: Matt McIrvin = Abbie Hoffman Marilyn Vos Savant = Garry Shandling's mother And this is also given: "It's The Garry Shandling Show" = "The Burns & Allen Show" From which it follows: the woman in the bad movie = Gracie Allen about Garry's buzzing penis However, all scientists and other nerds know: Gracie Allen < Graham Chapman Leading to the inescapable conclusion: Monty Hall < Monty Python Q! E! D! ... BUCKO! -- K. Anagrams of "Dean Lenort": Lean Denort Deal Nenort Deat Lenorn Eth Den. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Boston isn't the only city with wacky traffic engineering projects! Date: Wed, 10 Dec 2003 09:17:34 -0500 Robert Synnott (synnottr@tcd.ie) wrote: > > There's been much complaining on this group about Boston's traffic problems. > Well, you should all come and have a look at Dublin for REAL engineering > weirdness! Yeah, but unlike Dublin, Boston is on constant alert for terrorist activity! This weekend I went to the mall (the one at Lechmere with the giant scary Christmas ornaments bouncing up and down constantly) and then the next day I looked at CNN.com and there was a story with a headline like "TERRORISTS MAY LIKELY BE POSSIBLY TARGETING RANDOM THINGS IN AMERICA" and the only illustration in the article was a photo of the inside of the mall I had just been to. I couldn't see myself in the photo, but maybe I was behind one of the Christmas ornaments. CNN has tried to scare me about terrorists before, but this was the first time they essentially said, "HEY KIBO! WE HOPE NO TERRORISTS READ OUR WEB SITE BECAUSE WE JUST GAVE THEM THE IDEA OF BLOWING UP YOU AND THE REST OF SEARS!" (Do you have Sears in Ireland? If not, where can you buy easily-popped inflatable mattresses?) > a) The Dublin Port Tunnel. Vast, hugely expensive tunnel from a motorway to > Dublin Port, designed to carry lorries between the two. The drilling of the > first tunnel was completed recently, and it turns out to be too low to > allow passage of the size of lorries that will be dominant by the time the > system is complete. This was noted in the design phase, but would have cost > a whole 18million euro (out of the hundreds of millions put into the > project) to fix. The solution? The tunnel that was originally meant to be > the other lane will now be a higher, two-lane tunnel, so there will be TWO > incredibly dangerous narrow two-lane tunnels for things to crash in. Yay. Cool! That means Jean Reno can fly a helicopter that can split into two mini-copters that each fit into a different tunnel! It would be like the car in "Team Knight Rider" that could turn into two motorcycles, except with the guy from the remake of "Rollerball" flying it. I don't know if Tom Cruise would still chew the "RED LIGHT! GREEN LIGHT!" gum. He might switch to a different explosive snack food, like Jiffy Pop. > b) LUAS. A light rail system currently under construction. Interesting in > that: > 1) Dublin already had a tram system, but we got rid of it in the > early > 1900s > 2) There will actually be two lines, which won't meet. And the > reason they > won't meet? They are TWO DIFFERENT TRACK GAUGES! Why? Nobody knows. It's > just the way it is. > 3) It has given CIE, the transport authority, an excuse to hide all > the bus > stops, as work on the lines continues in front of them; finding the new > locations are an exercise for the traveller. > 4) The electric lines will make it impossible for big parades (St. > Patrick's Day, Gay Pride etc.) to use the main street. Presumably all big > parades will be moved to the suburbs, or something. "LUAS" is a good acronym, but not as good as "SNJLRTS", which they were building in Camden, New Jersey a while ago. Oh, wait, I just Googled "SNJLRTS" and it seems they've changed its name to "The River Line". It must have flooded. > c) DART. A rapid electric rail service, in operation for the last 20 years > or so. Not wacky in itself, but has these interesting features: > 1) We use the same rail gauge as Russia and nobody much else. > Therefore, a > lot of the maintainance equipment is bizarre soviet-era stuff. > 2) The newer trains (from Japan) have, among other things under > them, boxes > labeled "LUBE", "SAND", and "NO SAND". I think I sort of understand the > first two, but "no sand"? That's what you throw if a "NO FIRE" is burning out of control. > 3) The system is computer-controlled, and you can see when the next > train > on either a TV screen which shows all the trains it can fit, or an LED > screen which shows only trains arriving in the next 47 (repeat, > FORTY-SEVEN) minutes. Again, we don't ask why. Because that's the length of a "Star Trek" rerun. The idea was that the TV screen would show "Spock's Brain" in its entirety between each two train runs. It was a clever idea, because you'd be able to say "They're up to the part where the woman yells 'Brain and brain! What is brain?' so the train will be here in half an hour." > 4) Some of the trains talk. > 5) Besides the ancient Soviet trains and the new Japanese ones, > there are > two (only) carraiges going around that seem to have been an experimental > concept (they form parts of trains made up of Japanese carraiges). They > have doors which open outwards, INCREDIBLY bright Star-trek shuttle style > lighting, and make a loud whining sound. See? My theory that Ireland is part of "Star Trek" is true! That's why they hired that Irish transporter chief even after that scandal where Hannibal Lecter caught him massaging the inside of his own anal cavity in "The Road To Wellville". Could be worse, the train system could have been based on "The Road To Wellville" instead of "Star Trek". > 6) The rail system that all this replaced was BATTERY powered; the > trains > would run their diesel engines all night in an outer suburb, then run off > the batteries all day. As the day went on, the heating would switch off and > so on to conserve power. This is one of the more interesting systems of > exporting pollution I've heard of. It makes sense when you consider that they only want the train engines to make loud noises at night when everyone's asleep. Speaking of batteries, I just noticed that my Nikon camera's batteries are both "UTLRA"-powerful according to the labels printed by the Chinese people who make bootleg Nikon parts. > d) Motorway expansions. At the same time as we're being told not to use > cars, the motorway system is being expanded hugely. There is one town > north of Dublin which was bypassed first with a dual-carraige-way, then a > motorway, and now the original motorway has been further bypassed. > > e) Imaginary subway. There is much talk of the subway (originally LUAS was > going to be one). A surprising amount of money has been spent on this thing > that DOESN'T EXIST! Boston has more than one of those. There's the "Circumferential Transit", which are buses that take the same routes as the other ones but cost more because they're pretending those buses are a subway, and then there's the "Silver Line", which doesn't exist (although they turned on the animated electric signage in the stations about five years ago.) > f) Cycle lanes. These are often disrupted for a bit in the middle for no > reason, making cycling terrifying. > > g) Buses. A few new buses can talk! Yay! These are meant to say things like > "Keep your feet of the seat" and "Now arriving at Xanadu" but one NiteLink > (late night; 12:30-4:30) bus I was on had been reprogrammed by the insane > bus-driver to say "The wheels on the bus go round and round" in its Dalek > voice every five minutes; she grinned insanely every time this happened > (the bus driver, not the Dalek). Also, there are some fun, fun articulated > buses. *shudders* All the buses here mispronounce street names. I live near Tremont Street, which the locals normally pronounce "Tree-mont". The bus says "Tray-mont". Apparently it has a Quebecois accent. > Anyway, whose city has even more dodgy transport? Los Angeles? Chelyabinsk? (I don't know anything about the transportation in Chelyabinsk, except that you don't want to ride an elevator if you're wearing felt boots while the serial dentist is on the loose.) -- K. And what about those "turbolifts" on the Enterprise? They don't even have nineteenth-century emergency brakes! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Boston isn't the only city with wacky traffic engineering projects! Date: Thu, 11 Dec 2003 18:44:51 -0500 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Speaking of batteries, I just noticed that my Nikon camera's batteries > > are both "UTLRA"-powerful according to the labels printed by the > > Chinese people who make bootleg Nikon parts. > > are those batteries dressed in colorful rubber suits? Since when have the Chinese subsidiaries of AC Delco (General Motors) ever done anything that cool? These batteries aren't even up to the level of cool of "Spectreman", the guy with the stained leather suit with the large holes ripped in both armpits from the fact that he keeps accidentally heiling Hitler when he has to contact the Overlord on Planet Nebula, which isn't a planet or a nebula but two planets glued together like some sort of cosmic peanut. > and are they able to expand to several times their own size to fight > invading giant monsters hatched by dragon momma? My camera can transform from an irregularly-shaped brick into a thing that looks like Berrocal threw up. It's got a swivel in the middle, and the flash pops out like the spoilers the Chicago street gang added to KITT in the 1986 season of "Knight Rider". Also the interface requires me to keep doing things like holding down "FUNC 1" while simultaneously turning the unlabelled thumb wheel with the other thumb of the same hand. The camera's like the sort of puzzle that you only buy for other people as a Christmas stocking stuffer on the principle that if you can't give a good gift, you might as well give one that will make the frustration last the longest. I love my camera (I think it's the last Nikon model to have a four-color sensor instead of the RGB sensor) but its user-interface is extremely Japanese. And the manual is more Japanese. The whole kit is so dripping with Japaneseness that I keep expecting Mr. Vermont to show up and start yelling at me about how I should be lifting barbells while eating curry. -- K. If you were going to name a Japanese curry after any place in the world, why the hell Vermont? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: give thanks for D2 Date: Thu, 11 Dec 2003 18:47:59 -0500 "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Talysman the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@globalsurrealism.com) wrote: > > > > > > when are game designers going to learn that I just want to run > > > around pretending to be an elf? > > > > You need a _game_ to do that? I thought you just needed a funny hat > > and a sense of joie-de-vivre that goes beyond the mercurial into the > > destructively insipid. > > no, that's not the kind of elf I wanna be, MISTER! > > the kind of elf I'm pretending to be is buff, and bad-ass with a > martial arts staff. [...] So you'd be like Robin The Boy Wonder except without the ability to grow up normal someday after moving out of Bruce Wayne's secret Batcave? You're saying you would live in Neverland? I don't know which is scarier, you living in the one with Michael Jackson, or you living in the one with Robin Williams. > it does not necessarily have to be the kind of elf who rides a skate- > board, although that's ok. lately, I've been pretending to be a > viking instead of an elf, which leads me to wonder if there are any > games that let you pretend to be a dwarf. I mean FPS games dedicated > to dwarven ideals, not necessarily a game like Golden Axe, where > pretending to be a dwarf entailed rolling around on the ground. Space Vikings are the only ones who get to sit at the Cool Table Of The Universe. Space Vikings are cool, Space Vikings are blue, and Space Vikings have the ability to punch through anything. With their minds. Space Vikings can ride even the tiniest skateboards, even if three of the wheels have fallen off and the fourth is covered in a mixture of bubble gum and bubble wrap. Space Vikings can skate on anything. Even that soggy ice at the Air Canada Centre. They can skate right across Tie Domi's giant head without even feeling a bump. > in this game where I'm a viking, I have to fight a bunch of dwarfs, > and they are pretty damn tough. they keep flying through the air and > head-butting me, sometimes knocking me into bottomless pits. I'm not > entirely happy about this. If you fall into a bottomless pit, just make your neck really long so that you float upwards out of the pit, then fall back in over and over until you can find the Reese's Hyphens and get back to your flying decontamination shower unit. (The sad thing is, I bet _everyone_ here knows which game I'm describing for which platform at which level of suckiness. And I have a confession to make: I almost tried to play it once, but it doesn't really count because it was the marginally less tedious version with the orthogonal perspective like "Zaxxon" without the "Zaxxon" part.) > the main reason I am currently pretending to be a viking (again!) is > because, in the game where I pretend to be an elf, I got to the one > part where there's all these ridiculously hard traps. the very first > trap is a BEARTRAP. the only way past it is to keep jumping at it and > dying multiple times until you magically make it past. That's "Pitfall", another Atari cartridge that was almost as much No Fun as the one with the Reese's Goddamn Hyphens. Heck, I'd rather play the "Strawberry Shortcake" cartridge instead -- it contained no frustration because it also contained no game either. It was more of a "HA HA HA LOOKIT THEM DANCE!" experience, if you can call watching a stick figure's knees shaking in place to the tune of "BURP BURP BURP BURP BURP BURP BURP BURP BURP BURP BURP BURP" a legitimate form of dance and not merely a tragic waste of perfectly good electrons. > > Also some of that special pantyhose for men. The kind where the > > control top has a "Black & Decker" logo. > > or an NFL logo. Are you saying Joe Namath wouldn't have developed bad legs if he had worn pantyhose? > > Me, I'm a knight, or possibly > > just Tom Selleck in "Runaway". > > knights are terrible because they have to wear ostriches on their > heads. also, they have to dance to David Bowie songs, which only > diminishes both parties. Not a whole ostrich! I only bought two packets of red ostrich feathers. But I haven't stuck them into the sanguine helmet yet because I still haven't decided which shade of red or sanguine to use for the surcoat for that suit. I like having my feathers color-coordinated just like a real killer ostrich, thank you very much. -- K. Owner of the world's only high-tech gambeson that can also be used as a flotation device in case I ever need to jump into the sea when Einar breaks my bow. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Christmas Day ideas Date: Thu, 11 Dec 2003 19:18:42 -0500 dogsnus (dogsnus@micron.net) wrote: > > Treading on dangerous ARK ground, I'm going to ask > a serious question, fully expecting anything and everything > in response. > > What is open on Christmas day when one is not spending > it with family and doesn't want to stay home and cook? The Super 88 Supermarket is open 365 days a year if you want to come to Boston just to buy Chinese groceries. Also, I think they leave eBay running during Christmas. > I'm near New Orleans, and for the life of me, I can't > find anything on google that tells me what is open on Hmas and > what isn't unless I know beforehand what I want to look > up. Specifically. > I'd like to find some restaurants open on that day as > well as some entertainment that isn't too freaky or boring. > (The freaky part leaves out the French Quarter.) There are probably some pornography stores and hookers outside the French Quarter. I think those keep the same hours as Chinese grocery stores. I do know that the scabrous guy who runs one of the local adult shops has refined preferences regarding Chinese cuisine because I once heard him explaining loudly, "You know what 'MSG' stands for, don'cha -- Mudder Fucking Garbage!" > In a city the size of N.O. there has GOT to be something > open on Hmas. > Right? > What about things outside of the city? > If I can't find something agreeable to do, I'm going > to go fishing in the Gulf, if it's not raining. I wonder if McDonalds is open on Christmas? It would be fun to do a photo essay on the people who would be eating there then. And I bet they'd all have either just been to the porn store, or were about to go to the porn store. -- K. Most casinos will probably be open, too, if you want to gamble your presents away in December to simplify next year's taxes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: KIBO...where is Diaper Man (on Space 1999)? Date: Tue, 16 Dec 2003 03:15:46 -0500 Lulu (abuse@spamabuse.org) wrote: > > Kibo, I hope you can help us. > > I bought the Space 1999 megaset for my husband's birthday, all on the > basis of your mention of a man on one of the "special feature" docu's > who walked around in the background wearing, iirc, a "Big Gold Space > Diaper." > > We're almost all the way through the set, but we have yet to find Diaper > Man! Instead, we have to sit through endless promos where Barbara Bain > (your ex, I understand) and Martin Landau look uncomfortable with each > other as they tell us that the new season will be NEW! IMPROVED! > LEMON-FRESHENED! PINA COLADA-SCENTED! with Maya, the Wonder Woman of > Outer Space, and stuff blowing up and everything. Now, that's all well > and good, but dammit, WE WANT DIAPER MAN! > > Can you please tell us exactly where we will find him? I thank you. He's in Year Two towards the end of the set, if I recall correctly. I just glanced at the DVD sleeves. I think "A Matter Of Balance" (disc 13) is the episode. I'm not sure which disc had the interview where Captain Gold Lame' Diaper strolled around in the background. That may have been the same interview where the bee kept trying to eat Maya's big hair. Trust me, you won't miss Captain Pee-Colored Shiny Diaper Baldo when you get to that episode. The whole episode consists of him stalking and hypnotizing a woman because he needs to switch places with her to escape from his dimension (where men wear diapers.) But she never thinks to tell Martin Landau, "Commander, a man is stalking me. A bald man in a big gold diaper!" A lot of "Space: 1999" episodes revolved around some Moonbase Alpha woman being stupid and gullible and putting them all in danger, because female astronauts are all idiots. Here's a generic "Space: 1999" plot: A flying cloud of three dots possesses a troubled teenage girl, then the camera tilts back and forth as the Moon bounces around. Then the bad stuff goes away all by itself. Compare it with the far more sophisticated yet still colonated "Star Trek: Enterprise": A flying cloud of billions of super-realistic dots engulfs the Enterprise, and the only way the crew can escape is by giving each other erotic massages. It's not to be confused with the much more ambitious "Lexx": The crew gives each other erotic massages, being sure everyone gets at least one straight one and one gay one, then a flying cloud of really good-looking dots with giant genitals gives them all more erotic massages, then they all put on latex gas masks and strap themselves to tables where revolving robotic knives give them more erotic massages, then they all get sex changes so they can give each other different erotic massages. Gerry Anderson was trying to make a "Space: 1999" movie (presumably it would be moved to a more recent futuristic year) recently but I think he may have given up because "Lexx" probably taught him that he'll never be able to sell it to Germany unless they have at least one scene where Barbara Bain has an erotic encounter with revolving robotic knives a week, and she can't do that because her hairdo would break the knife blades. The "Watch 'Space: 1999' on Channel 10" promos all over those discs got me laughing after the first two or three because Martin Landau kept looking more and more uncomfortable, while Barbara Bain seemed to be not taking it seriously at all and trying to crack him up. And I got a little electric thrill when I finally got to the one for Channel 10 in Albany, which is where I saw most of the episodes when they were new. I should watch all sixteen DVDs again just so I can memorize where Captain Super Baggy Space Diaper Dork is, in case someone else ever asks me "Kibo, where is Diaper Man (on 'Space: 1999')?" -- K. Or I could just change my name to make sure nobody else ever says that sentence, because I believe the Universe is scheduled to explode when someone says it the third time. Sincerely, your pal, Captain No Diaper. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kinky for governor Date: Tue, 16 Dec 2003 03:20:30 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > barbara@bookpro.com wrote: > > > > I just found out that Kinky Friedman is running for governor of Texas, > > with the slogan "Why the hell not?" He's got a point. > > THANK YOU VERY MUCH! > You're welcome Kinky! > THANK YOU VERY MUCH! > You're welcome Kinky! > ... > etc! I thought it was I'm Kinky! THANK YOU SIR MAY I HAVE ANOTHER! I'm Kinky! THANK YOU SIR MAY I HAVE ANOTHER! I'm Kinky! THANK YOU SIR MAY I HAVE ANOTHER! ... with Ping-Pong paddles and a whip that has a rubber chicken tied to the end. And of course there's a ten-minute drum solo that doesn't involve any actual drums. -- K. I'm voting for Frank Zappa for governor, and the Trachtenberg Family Slideshow Players for President. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Sharp, pointy eye stuff Date: Thu, 18 Dec 2003 04:03:12 -0500 Wiblur the Once (wiblur@comcast.net) wrote: > > Well, once again, I get to have sharp, pointy things poked into my eye. YOUR KINK IS NOT OK!!!! > my surgery is Monday morning, so I will have to take a few days break > from ARK, but will be back as soon as the hurty stops. Okay, everyone, we have four days to get into our monkey suits, and from now on we have to type in blurry letters. > For those not in the know, about this time last year, they went in and > removed a membrane from over my retina that was clouding things up. Well > it seems that I had another kind that grew in and was causing the retina > to get all bendy, with the bad eyesight and stuff. Hopefully, this will > be the last time and no other members of the membrane family will stop by > for a visit. Like the memtung, memstummach, and mempeanus? -- K. Weren't those all Hanson songs? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable Subject: Re: MS Swat Date: Thu, 18 Dec 2003 04:06:15 -0500 Beable van Polasm (beable+unsenet@beable.com.invalid) wrote: > > [Reuters article] > -> > -> Microsoft has announced that its latest version of Office software > -> inadvertently contained a font featuring two swastikas, and said it > -> would offer tools to remove and replace the characters. > > SWASTIKA REMOVAL TOOLS! I wonder what they will replace them with? A little picture of Jeffrey Tambor as "Hankler"? > -> The swastika was included in a font that was derived from a > -> Japanese font set, said Microsoft's Office product manager, Simon > -> Marks. > > -> A form of the swastika has been used in Buddhism to symbolise the > -> feet or footprints of Buddha. > > Because Buddha was a NAZI! Most large Chinese grocery stores have a lot of vegetarian entrees covered with Nazi symbols to indicate they're suitable for people who want to get really fat eating nothing but veggies, like Buddha. -- K. Why would a font need TWO swastikas? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Song to celebrate the release of Baby Geniuses 2 Date: Fri, 19 Dec 2003 01:47:09 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > You could probably get the Village People to sing > it as they are doing stuff all else at the moment. > > You may want to cover your ears when Kibo finds this > post and starts screaming (it's not as bad as JAR JAR PR0N though.) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! JAR JAR PORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, at least now we can all go see "Baby Geniuses 2". > DIAPER GRAVY! > > Where can you find torture, search the world for bad films, > learn science, crotch whack-ing? > Where can you begin to make your nightmares all come true > on the couch or on the floor? > Where can you learn to cry, play in shorts or eat pies, > study bad baby movies? > Sign up for the big baby or sit in the blue pram > when your friends and others meet. > > DIAPER GRAVY, yes, you can cough and you can wheeze. > DIAPER GRAVY, yes, you can turn your mind too ghee. > DIAPER GRAVY, come on now people, bake a clam! > DIAPER GRAVY, can't you see this song is bland! > DIAPER GRAVY, come on, protect the concession stand. > DIAPER GRAVY, come on and join your fellow spam. > DIAPER GRAVY, come on now people, bake a clam! > DIAPER GRAVY, DIAPER GRAVY > > They want you! They want you! They want you to watch Baby Genuises 2! > > If you like adventure don't you wait to enter the video store fast. > Don't you hesitate, there is no need to wait; > they're signing up new viewers fast. > Maybe you are too young to rent it today > but don't you worry 'bout the thing > for I'm sure they will take a rain check on it for you. > > DIAPER GRAVY... > > They want you! They want you! They want you to watch Baby Genuises 2! > They want you! They want you! They want you to watch Baby Genuises 2! > ..But..but..but I'm afraid of babies! > ..hey..hey..look, men... > I get car sick even watching it on the TV! > They want You! - Oh my goodness! > They want you! - What am I gonna do in a pedal car? > They want you! They want you! > DIAPER GRAVY! > > DIAPER GRAVY!.. (fade out) That's the worst parody of the theme from "Ghostbusters". On the other hand, that song contains more uses of the phrase "diaper gravy" than any other song, even those by Baby Frank Zappa! -- K. (cut to Valerie Perrine looking very uncomfortable about being the only real woman in the hot tub in the YMCA while Steve Guttenberg disco-skates across the intersection of Christopher St. and Total Dork St.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Song to celebrate the release of Baby Geniuses 2 Date: Fri, 19 Dec 2003 01:57:34 -0500 Tim Chmielewski (chuma@dcsi.net.au) wrote: > > You may want to cover your ears when Kibo finds this > post and starts screaming (it's not as bad as JAR JAR PR0N though.) WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A MINUTE! I tried screaming just to entertain you, but then I looked up the movie on IMDB.com, and I regret to inform you that "Baby Geniuses 2" is scheduled for release on April 15, 2004 (and after having missed its previous release dates in 2002 and 2003, I have my doubts.) So they're no way I'm going to scream just for you unless you can prove that "Baby Geniuses 2" is actually released, unless the Jar Jar porn involves him getting his whole head inside E.T. So I take back any screams I may have uttered and will go back to being perfectly happy all day, every day, until at least April 15, 2004. -- K. Have I mentioned lately that I love all of you? Even you, Tim! ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: H! Date: Fri, 19 Dec 2003 02:16:49 -0500 Keltie (keltie@magma.ca) wrote: > > So I hear that putting things out to ARK makes them go right. Well, > please cure my long-term headache. And if that doesn't work, please send > the death ray to put me out of my misery. THINGS THAT CAN'T BE USED TO DRILL A HOLE IN YOUR SKULL TO CURE A HEADACHE. A LIST. CHAPTER ONE. A tennis ball. An oven mitt. Spanish moss. Raw bacon. Cotton candy. Bacon-flavored cotton candy. Barney the Dinosaur's foam rubber underwear. Tribbles. A volvox. "No More Tears" shampoo. Oatmeal. Wax lips. Hello Kitty stickers. A weather balloon (with or without Patrick McGoohan inside.) Jell-O with fresh pineapple. Santa's beard. Boogers. THE END. CHAPTER TWO. Another volvox. THE END. YOU'RE WELCOME. -- K. Everything else can be used to drill a hole in your headache. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Question... OF SCIENCE!!! Date: Fri, 19 Dec 2003 02:51:29 -0500 John Schmidt (js@saltmine.radix.net) wrote: > > In a double-blind study to test a new medication for > diabetics, what do the researchers give the control group? Diabetes. -- K. At least when you donate blood, you get orange juice, a sugar cookie, AND diabetes. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: STORY (new): "Spot's Tenth First Christmas" Date: Wed, 24 Dec 2003 22:58:20 -0500 It's Christmas, so you know what that means: It's stupid story time! All hail me and my awesome improvisational powers! It's hard to believe I've been Internetting these every year since 1991. I must be some sort of super-creative genius to be able to write two pages of text once a year. You can find the same story (and all the ones from previous years) at: http://www.kibo.com/kibofic/spot_xmas_10.shtml Spot's Tenth First Christmas -- or -- QUEER EYE FOR THE SPOT GUY A wacky romp involving terrifying accurate stereotypes written Christmas Eve, 2003 Copyright (C) 2003 James "Kibo" Parry "Ding dong," said Spot's boring, fiercely heterosexual doorbell. Spot got up from his plain ordinary heterosexual armchair and walked across his completely heterosexual foyer to open his house's bland, entirely heterosexual door. There were five allegedly fabulous gay guys there! "Hello, Spot," said the one who looked like Peter Davison with Bob Hope's nose, "We're the Fab Five and you're on tonight's episode of 'Queer Eye For The Straight Dog'." "Wow!" said Spot, "This is the greatest honor I've ever received -- I've been called 'straight' on TV!" "And, Spot, we're going to cure you of that nasty homophobia by rearranging your furniture and cutting your hair. Suddenly all your gay friends will stop just pretending to be attracted to you." "WOW!" yelled Spot, who expressed excitement through repetition. The Fab Five introduced themselves. There was Carson, who looked like Peter Davison With A Special Nose, and Ted, who did not have human emotions about anything other than wine, and Jai, who was the token Hispanic guy except in the one episode where he was played by a token black guy to keep the show from being even whiter than "Seinfeld", and there were two others whose names Spot couldn't remember so let's just say they were a guy with mechanical claws for hands, and Hawk from the old "Buck Rogers" show. "Let's get started!" said Claw Guy, as they set about throwing out everything Spot owned that couldn't be made fabulous. They began using the word "product" in every sentence, and kept talking about the "color story" of all of Spot's products. Jai went straight for Spot's collection of classic record albums and pulled out a "Firesign Theatre" album, then rubbed it in a very special way to turn it into a "Fierstein Theatre" recording of Harvey Fierstein having phone sex with Tom Carvel. "Eww!" screamed Spot, "I thought you guys were supposed to be making me LESS homophobic!" "I think you need the full cure," said Hawk, "right, boys?" The five of them lunged at Spot and stuffed him into a moldy old mail sack which they tossed in the back of their unmarked black van and drove away. Jai whispered in Ted's ear, "Oh, Ted, are you sure we have space to keep another straight in our dungeon?" "We can always put in a mirror to make it look bigger." The Fab Five all laughed at Ted's hilarious joke about how straight people always think that you can put in a mirror to make a room look bigger. Then, while they were stuck in traffic for the next six hours, they mocked the way straight men shave. Of course, during those six hours, they each got five o'clock shadow (except for Carson, who was too blond to grow facial hair, and Hawk, who had feathers instead) so they got out their special male versions of Lady Remington razors and trimmed away their stubble, always moving the razor in the most efficient gay shaving pattern (alternating knight's moves and boustrophedonic fractals, while keeping the pinkie finger sticking out.) When they got to the "Queer Eye" dungeon, Spot was released from the sack, and he was surprised to discover they had somehow given him several hickies through the burlap. "Which leather straitjacket should we put him in?" asked Jai, "The black one with the black paisley, or the black one with the black polka dots?" Carson said it didn't matter, as long as it was tight enough to make it physically impossible for him not to turn gay. So, they put one straitjacket on his front paws and the other on his back paws. Then they wrapped him in flypaper and Christmas tinsel and hung him upside-down over a hot stove. Spot yelled, "Hey! Is THIS really what gay guys always do behind closed doors in groups of five?" "Yes, Spot," said Ted without looking up from the wine label he had been reading for the past hour, "This is the only thing gay guys ever do." "Wow! I have been sadly misinformed about the activities of your organization, which are weirder than I thought but not icky in any way, shape or form!" "Now hold still, Spot, so we can tape these electrodes to your eyeballs..." "This feels great! I never knew the Stockholm Syndrome could be so enjoyable, and (bzzt) YAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!!" Then, the Fab Five further humiliated Spot by treating him like a human. They made him walk around upright, sleep outside of a cage, and eat high-quality beef with a knife and fork. By now, Hawk and Claw Man had completed drawing their giant wall map of Spot's erogenous zones, and had located all 68,327 of them, including the one which made his leg rotate in circles when rubbed, and the one which made his leg detach and fly around the room in loop-the-loops. Spot's training was now complete, and he was just as gay as he could get in this story! "YAY!" squealed Spot as he used the letter "Y" as a gay vowel, "I AM EVER SO GAYYYYYYY! (bzzt) YAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!" Now that Spot was totally gay, it was time for his dinner break (wine, cilantro, and bruschetta served off the body of Andy Dick.) Then they put him in the sack again and drove him back to his house to see the fabulous makeover they had somehow given it while they weren't anywhere near it. Spot marvelled at how different the "before" and "after" pictures were. The "before" version of the room was dingy and cramped, while the "after" version was colorful and spacious! "Hey, wait a minute!" yelled Spot, "All you guys did was to lower the camera, turn on the lights, and smear Vaseline on the lens! 'Queer Eye For The Straight Guy' is RIGGED! You guys are ruining gayness for gay dogs like me!" Spot ran out of his faux-fabulous apartment to escape from the gay fraud! He ran and ran while Carson, Ted, Jai, Claw Man, and Hawk chased him, but he escaped by running down the frozen seafood aisle of the local supermarket, and all the gay guys were distracted by a sign that said "SHRIMP POPPERS". Spot got away while they were cramming fried shrimp up their noses. (Carson got seven up there.) Spot had a problem. He was completely gay, but he now realized that all this "gay" stuff had been invented by the cable TV networks just to trick straight people into watching boring shows about fake redecorations accomplished through camera tricks! Because there was not really such a thing as being gay, Spot was very sad about being gay, and vowed to get his old homophobia back. He went home and tried to de-gay his house by hosing it down with beer (because gay guys drink 3,851 different kinds of wine but never beer.) He tried to straighten himself out by watching the straightest TV show he could find in order to undo the effects of "Queer Eye". But the only other show that was on was "Star Trek", which was just for lesbians. Spot cried! "WAAH! I'M TOO GAY!" Then he remembered that he still had electrodes attached to various body parts. That gave him a great idea! He could give himself electroshock while looking at extreme gay porn, and after a few hours of that, he'd be cured of his total gayness! Spot went over to Gaytown (the suburb which took up precisely 10% of the city) and bought all the gay porn he could afford, then spread it out on his floor and prepared to shock the gay vibes out of his tender body. He stared at a centerfold of Scott Thompson exploring the inside of Dave Foley and gave himself shock after shock, but it wasn't working! And worse, the shocks kept erasing the part of his brain that was supposed to be remembering this was supposed to be a Christmas adventure! Spot cried! "Waah! I'm too gay to have a Christmas adventure!" "Ding dong!" said Spot's sexually-confused doorbell. "Ding dong! Ding dong, dearie!" Spot got out of his ambiguous armchair, trotted across his home's latent threshold, and opened the vague door to see his neighbor, Albert Einstein, standing there in a Santa suit. It was made entirely from transparent latex! "WAAH!" cried Spot, "I DIDN'T ORDER A GAY EINSTEIN!" "It's okay, Spot. My equations prove that gayness is just another dimension. You got your north, your south, your east, your west, and you're gay." "Huh?" asked Spot, because dogs can't hear apostrophes. Then Einstein kissed him. "EWW!" yelled Spot, "EINSTEIN GERMS!!!" It was Spot's gayest Christmas ever! Of course, it didn't compare to the Valentine's Day he spent in Charles Nelson Reilly's bathyscaphe, but that's another story. THE END. -- K. Notice I got through the whole story without mentioning Adam West. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo's favorite food in the news Date: Wed, 24 Dec 2003 23:11:59 -0500 Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > This story has it all (for extremely small values of all)! Greed, White > Castle hamburgers, gambling and tales of tobasco sauce. Why it's a > Kibological cornucopia of delights! > > -> Hungry for action > -> > -> Wall Street traders escape dull days > -> > -> By NANCY LEINFUSS > -> Reuters News Service > -> > -> NEW YORK -- Wall Street is known for its hearty and sometime insatiable > -> appetite for risk and money. But burgers are also on the menu. > -> > -> A group of Goldman Sachs & Co. traders, many of them gamblers by nature, > -> decided to put each other to the test during a slow time last week. > -> > -> And after placing an order of 1,000 White Castle burgers to an > -> astonished store manager, the traders were off to the races devouring as > -> many of the chain's mini-burgers as they could stomach in hopes of > -> capturing the title: "King of the Castle." 1,000! That must have filled up TWO of those shoe boxes they come in! > -> The winner: A trader on Goldman's junk bond desk who wolfed down 35 > -> burgers, according to a Goldman source. A Goldman spokesman declined to > -> comment. > -> > -> "Indeed, 1,000 burgers were sold at Castle 58, across from the Empire > -> State building," said Jamie Richardson, director of marketing for the > -> Columbus, Ohio-based White Castle, the oldest hamburger chain in > -> existence. It's technically not directly across from the Empire State, it's kitty-corner from it, half a block southeast on Fifth Avenue. It's my second favorite White Castle, even if it also has Church's Fried Chicken and of course you have to remember to ask them not to put the transparent magenta sugar-based ketchup on the burgers. Apparently New Yorkers like Kool-Aid-flavored ketchup, and ketchup-flavored Kool-Aid. (Remember Fleer's "tomato gum"? NY White Castle's ketchup is that color and that flavor.) > -> Richardson said that while the company does not endorse any official > -> eating contests, it does take pleasure in satisfying its customers' > -> appetites. You can't tell, but he had a weird grin when the said "appetites". Then he rubbed his crotch and yelled "HEYYYY CUSTOMERS I GOT SOMETHIN' FOR YOUUUUU!" > -> "We encourage people to enjoy and savor our product but not to the point > -> where their cravings take on such an extreme that mayhem ensues," > -> Richardson said. "We don't sponsor eating contests, but we're happy to > -> satisfy people's cravings. Now and then the temptation is too great, and > -> we can certainly understand that too," he said. > -> > -> Founded in 1921 by Bill Ingram, the fast-food chain has remained private > -> and is now run by the founder's grandson, Billy Ingram. More than > -> 500,000 burgers were sold last year at more than 380 restaurants across > -> the country, and the company was the first to cross the billion mark in > -> hamburger sales. > -> > -> Mini-burgers have figured in other Wall Street competitions. > -> > -> "Thirty-five White Castle burgers is a lot," said another Wall Street > -> trader. "I participated in an eating contest like that just a few months > -> ago. I got as far as 17 burgers and started turning sweaty and green so > -> I had to stop," said the contestant, who stopped just short of the 18 > -> burgers needed to win. Thirty-five is a disturbingly large amount. I can manage eight at the most. And it's relatively easy for me because I'm so skinny (that actually gives you an advantage in eating contests because you have more room to expand.) > -> In another example, two years ago at Prudential Securities, one trader > -> was challenged to eat 30 White Castle burgers in 30 minutes. > -> > -> Not only did the contestant rise to the occasion, he wrapped up the > -> contest in just 24 minutes, a bond trader said. > -> > -> "A bunch of traders with some idle time on their hands is a recipe for > -> all kinds of odd behavior," said one bond trader, who watched in > -> disbelief as the Prudential trader polished off the White Castle > -> burgers, also fondly referred to as "belly bombers." > -> > -> The eating contests recall the excesses captured by Michael Lewis book > -> about 1980s Wall Street culture, Liars Poker, in which members of a > -> mortgage bond desk held eating contests. > -> > -> Away from burger-eating contests on Wall Street, one Chicago-based > -> trader recalled a challenge by one of his colleagues daring him to > -> polish off a bottle of hot sauce. And he was grinning when he said "polish" and then he yelled "HEYYYYY COLLEAGUES, I GOT SOMETHIN' HOT AND SAUCY FOR YOUUUUUUUU!" > -> "There have been all sorts of weird contests over the years. At my last > -> job one trader challenged another to drink a bottle of Tabasco sauce. > -> And in another, people challenged each other to chug down a gallon of > -> milk," the debt trader said. "There was all sorts of betting going on." Stockbrokers GAMBLING? I am SHOCKED and my world view is SHATTERED by this discovery of an extreme new level of OBVIOUSNESS!!! > The obvious conclusion is that Kibo needs to become a Wall Street trader so > that he can get in on this action. Of course once they find out about his > aversion to cheese they'll have his Achilles heel well in hand, but that's > just how the anatomical cliche crumbles. You know, I still have about a dozen of those Jar Jar Binks Monster Mouth Candy Tongue lollipops if you guys want to have a contest I won't try to win. Just start licking, and I'll join in after you guys get hospitalized. -- K. If White Castle had a clown mascot, who would it be? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Kibo's secret uncovered. Date: Wed, 24 Dec 2003 23:17:00 -0500 Joe Manfre (manfre@world.std.com) wrote: > > Hey, here's some news from Boston that I think finally reveals why > Kibo was buying cloth and puppetry supplies for some secret proejct a > while ago: > > -> BOSTON (Wireless Flash) -- A ballsy man in Boston is testing the > -> boundaries of acting -- by making his testicles do the work. > -> > -> The man, who calls himself "Sackie Gleason," runs a website called > -> testicletheater.com, where he puts his testes to the test by dressing > -> them up in costumes and making them act out scenes from "Macbeth, > -> Enter The Dragon" and "Thelma And Louise." > -> > -> Sure, it's nutty but Gleason sincerely believes his "multi-talented > -> testicles" expose the works of Stanley Kubrick, John Cassavettes and > -> Sam Peckinpah to a new audience. > -> > -> That doesn't mean Gleason wants to keep his testicles confined to a > -> film set. His true love is the live stage and he gleefully admits his > -> testes thrive during "live theatrical interpretations on request." Sorry, that's not me, because if I were to do any Shakespeare play with my body parts, it would have to be "Titus Andronicus", although I suspect that the audience wouldn't appreciate me serving them delicious pies afterwards. Of course, I could use the same script for an "American Pie" scene, but that would be lowbrow humor compared to the classy scenes of murder, rape, mutilation, and cannibalism in "Titus Andronicus". Oh, wait, they weren't mentioning "Macbeth", they were talking about some new thing called "Macbeth, Enter The Dragon". I'm not sure what that is but I think it involves Orson Welles as Bruce Lee. -- K. Besides, everyone here knows that I'm busy starring as two of the three members of "Blue Man Group". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Soda Gone Missing Date: Wed, 24 Dec 2003 23:23:26 -0500 Schwa Love (schwa242@yahoo.com) wrote: > > So, is Pepsi Blue dead and gone? I haven't seen it in a while, but then > again, I haven't looked too terribly hard. If it's gone, I'm glad. It tasted too much like a mixture of vinyl, Lysol, Barbasol, Bismol (without the Pepto), and last year's jack-o-lantern. The blue one I miss is the concentrated syrup for the Little Hug drinks. You probably know the Little Hug drinks -- watered-down fake Kool-Aid that comes in little plastic hand grenades for ten cents each in the poverty aisle of the supermarket. A couple months ago I saw they were selling the syrup in gallon bottles, and it came in both blue raspberry and red raspberry flavors. It's the same super-acidic, super-dyed syrup that comes out of Slush Puppie machines and I love it (don't ask how little I dilute it. Let's just say I'm no Dr. Bronner.) But when I finished off the first gallon bottle, I couldn't find the stuff again. It had disappeared from that market, and I haven't seen it at any others. Did they manufacture this stuff for only one week as part of the world's least funny practical joke? -- K. And no, I don't care for Za-Rex. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: How did you people forget to make fun of this? Date: Thu, 25 Dec 2003 00:29:51 -0500 The guy who "invented" Sea-Monkeys (which are ordinary animals found in the wild) died this week. He had been in both the KKK and the Aryan Nation. So, how come nobody here has posted an analysis of the conspiracy to raise a Master Race Of Tiny Shrimp That Will Gradually Take Over Comic Books? He also invented X-Ray Specs, but I'm not sure what kinky purpose he was intending them for (he wasn't perverted in as obvious a manner as the guy who created Wonder Woman.) The guy's name was Harold Von Braunhut, which is an anagram of "Unborn Tudor Halvah" and "Hobo Van Lard Unhurt". Neither makes sense. "Amazing Live Sea-Monkeys" turns into "Male Mayonnaise Viz Kegs" and "Enslaving Mama Size Yoke". Those don't make sense either. This is because dead Neo-Nazis aren't very good at anagram games. -- K. "Mangey Vice-Like Amazons" might work if you allow "mangy" with the extra "e" for extra eroticness. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go film "Mangey Vice-Like Amazons". ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Early Reaction Theatre Date: Thu, 25 Dec 2003 00:38:33 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > they blew up Osama with a WW2 grenade. No, it was with a candestick, in the drawing room. Incidentally, was it ever actually illegal to sit in any room of a mansion other than the sitting room? Also, was the drawing room a room in which you were supposed to doodle, or was it a robotic room that had arms that would doodle on you? In either case, right after Osama got the grenade stuffed into his mouth, that's when Al Gore shot Captain Picard with the crossbow and then the Enterprise blew up FOREVER. -- K. Why are we even bothering trying to kill Osama bin Laden when "American Idol" is still on TV? I say everyone who has even SEEN that show should be killed. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: My fish Date: Thu, 25 Dec 2003 00:43:26 -0500 Lots42 The Library Avenger (lots42@aol.comaol.com) wrote: > > My fish knows that the blue tube near his bowl contains his food. Dear Al Eisen, This is the worst "2000 Flushes" commercial ever. > He gets excited if you grab it. > > That sounded very dirty. Does being a total pervert make you feel awkward? Tell us about your childhood. When did you first notice you were turned on by that thing around Kermit's neck? Now look at these ink blots and tell me all the sickest, most disgusting things you can think of. -- K. It's really sad that part of my brain is devoted to remembering the name "Al Eisen". He's like Al Einstein without all the other letters, and his genius wasn't in advanced theoretical physics, it was in pouring dye down the toilet. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: The Howard Menger Story. Parts 7 and 8. Date: Thu, 25 Dec 2003 00:57:26 -0500 John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: The Howard Menger Story. Part 7 and 8. Dec. 22, 2003. > > This talks about potatoes with a high percentage of protein. Watch out, John! You're venturing into Hanna-Maria's territory now that you're onto the whole "Space Potato" conspiracy! Watch out, Hanna-Maria might try to zap you with a ray of purple and green plad neutrons! > ..................................................................... > ..................................................................... > > Subject: Howard Menger - Part 7 > Howard Menger's claimed liaison with the space people - and > there were many more contacts - continued until the late 1950's. A > month after his assumed visit to the Moon, Menger met Carla (Connie) > Baxter, whom he married after divorcing Rose, his wife of 17 years, > in 1958. Connie helped Howard run his sign-painting shop in > Somerville, New Jersey, and also became deeply involved in his less > down-to-earth pursuits. [...] All sign-painters, letterers, and poster artists are from outer space. If they're not, then why do sign-making shops always have the worst signage? > [...] > NEBEL: Did you notice what they wore? > MENGER Sr.: To a certain extent, yes. As far as I could see, they > wore something similar to ski-suits, tight at the wrists and ankles [...] Uh-oh. Modified ski-suits. Now you've tied Archimedes Plutonium into your web of conspiracy. See the old article I've appended after this one. > [...] > In 1957, a large number of dehydrated vegetables, fruits and > nuts were found in Thompson's home at Plukemin, New Jersey, > as well as in open fields near High Bridge, which he says he > was 'drawn to by apparent telepathic means'. The food appeared > to have undergone an odd, 'freezefried' process. A potatoe > (believed to have come from the Moon!) was given to Menger, > who suggested that it should be analysed by a professional > labatory. Samples were taken to LaWall-Harrison Consultants in > Philadelphia. Analysis revealed: > Total weight of sample 5.20 grams > Moisture 7.23% > Ash 4.49% > Fat (ether extract) 0.95% > 'N' as Protein (NX 6.25) 15.12% But the only known human food to contain 4.49% ash is cat food! Perhaps you have Animal 57 on your hands. -- K. I wish I hadn't already picked out next year's Halloween costume, I'd like to be an Animal 57 Space Potato. //////////// re-run begins, which contains another re-run ////////////////// Newsgroups: sci.misc, sci.chem, rec.bicycles.marketplace, alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TREK 7600 Re: Concordia, Canada FLEA MARKET, for sale books, VCRs, CDs, more Followup-To: alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics Josh Hesse (00093182@bigred.unl.edu) wrote: > > "Concordia" (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > > > [...Archie's list of garage sale items, which he's been posting > > repeatedly under other people's names...] > > > > Descente USA Olympic ski suit of early 1990s, black with red liner, > > has USA logo on back. Bought it from a Vermont Olympic candidate. > > Have altered it to my taste. > > Uh... Um... How? > > Wait, forget it, I don't want to know. > > -Josh "Sorry I even asked." I think Archie's writings from February 1998 contain vital clues as to where the hole in Archie's rubberized spandex suit is, and the smash hit pop-culture meme that emerged from it: /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ re-run /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New patent: Human and pet STRAIGHTJACKET: empty our prisons Newsgroups: alt.torture, alt.sex.bondage, alt.religion.kibology, alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics Followup-To: alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics Date: Wed, 18 Feb 1998 05:06:52 GMT In sci.engr and sci.bio.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Yesterday, Sunday, Dartmouth experienced something strange with its > Network that discouraged me from posting to Usenet. The lines were down > or something but I could not see my posts anywhere. Mental note: Cut Dartmouth phone lines again. > Today is a national holiday of presidents day. And today while in bed > in my sleeping bag I thought of this new invention. The straight-jacket > has not been improved upon much. But if it were it could offer a > solution to the prison systems of the world via letting the prisoner > back into the general public. Prisoners in the USA cost on average > $100,000 a year to maintain. So this is a huge problem. My solution is to make them all college students, as it only costs about $20,000 a year at good colleges and $1000 a year at community colleges. This could also empty out our mental institutions as we could hire the insane and have them wash dishes or something. But only the prisoners would be forced to eat food that had been touched by the crazy people. > I propose to construct a tough plastic shell, some tough plastic all > weather shell, that allows the occupant enough freedom to be functional > but not enough to allow full freedom that citizens get. It allows them to dance, play basketball, and have a full, active social life, but prohibits choice of religion! > If you construct a tough plastic shell with the butt area cut out to > poop, but the leg ankles such that it is hard to get free unless you > cut off the feet, then this straight-jacket will hold the individual. Ah, but there's a flaw in your reasoning: Prisoners would just cut off their feet. And it costs over $100,000 just to re-attach ONE foot! > And if the prisoner does not have own family to take care of him/her > drop them off on an island, tropical island and go make a living. > > A similar device would be very good for pet retainers, given more > degrees of freedom. And possibly when modified, even a babysitter > playpen for a toddler. > > New Straight-Jacket, I reserve the 1 full year from today 16 February > 1998 to patent the NEW STRAIGHTJACKET WITH VARIABLE DEGREES OF FREEDOM. Archie, I believe someone's already patented (a) the body cast, (b) the erotic mummification process, and (c) the spanking machine. Just remember, any true scientist always test his invention on himself first. -- K. followups to alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Two sheets to the WANGER Date: Thu, 25 Dec 2003 01:13:47 -0500 Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > Jeremy D. Impson wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > THIS DID NOT WORK > > > > NOW IT DOES > > And that's how we create memes! So much meme this has never been this bad yummy all over your dot-com. > > Try to make a parachute that will carry an egg safely to the ground. > > OK, Kibo, have you regaled the newsgroup with your story about this yet? No, because it wasn't a parachute, it was a flight stabilization and impact absorption system. I took the view that expending the impact's kinetic energy by having the back of the missile spray rice pudding ten feet into the air would keep the egg on target, unlike a parachute which would have landed gently some distance from the target where I had computed a ballistic trajectory. So, my egg vehicle was a re-usable missile, provided it was reloaded with rice pudding after each flight. It was a metal missile (with tail fins attached to a streamer for stabilization) with a lump of plumber's putty to make a deformable nose-cone. The tube was lined with bubble wrap so that the egg could move up and down with friction. Underneath the egg, the tube was filled with the most viscous substance I had on hand, the college's own brand of rice puddding. So, on impact, the putty squashed, the egg pushed down, the pudding squirted up, and the missile was left standing on its nose right at the middle of the target. However, I was docked points because I got the wrong numbers when I calculated the elastic modulus of the plumber's putty by jumping off the bed onto it. (I say to hell with the bad math, my vehicle was experimentally proven!) This is one of those events that every college thinks is unique to them, like the legend about the library slowly sinking under the weight of the books, or the idea that their cafeteria food is worse than everyone else's. I want to start the only college that doesn't think there's anything unique about itself, and is very proud of that. -- K. Okay, now I've told the rice pudding story at least twice, and the watermelon and cottage cheese stories eight times each. But I still refuse to tell about the time I got anthraxed.